Lecture by Mufti Menk on Saturday 17th March 2018.
– – – – – – –
An evening of practical advice on marriage, families and relationships. Dealing with difficult issues while keeping a mentally sound state of mind.
Mufti Menk – Marriage & Relationships – Part 2
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of avoiding mistakes and showing a keen interest in relationships, including avoiding mistakes and giving back to children. They stress the need for parents to involve their children in the decision making process and avoiding mistakes. The speakers also emphasize the importance of self control and forgiveness in marriage, and stress the need for everyone to accept and resolve issues related to divorce. They stress the importance of finding the right person and building relationships, and emphasize the need to make it easy for someone to determine who they are.
AI: Summary ©
So, hello, second shift for your talk in the first segment.
In your talk, you mentioned something very, very intriguing. That, to be honest, didn't really make sense to me as well. And I'm sure it didn't make sense to a lot of the people. You mentioned that there's three types of people. There's people that are married, there's people that are not married, and there's people that are married and not married at the same time. Could you please elaborate on this for us inshallah?
Mila al Rahman al Rahim, Al hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah. Allah Allah.
I recall saying that right at the beginning, do you remember
I said, there are people who are married, there are people who are not married. And there are people who are neither married nor not married. And I even said that there will be some from among you who understand that. So for example, the Quran speaks about it. And I said that Allah speaks about it. Allah says falletta me lucre Lal, maley, Fatah, ruha, kalamalka, under certain circumstances, when a person treats his wife in a way that he's married to her, but he's not divorcing her, he doesn't get along with her, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her. But he's just holding her for some reason, either to punish her to say, you're not going to be divorced, I'm not going to divorce you.
And you can just stay. And sometimes it's just because of ego, arrogance, whatever, just the delay. So Allah says, Do not turn to such an extent where you leave her hanging. And hanging there would mean that she's neither married, to be able to enjoy a beautiful marital relationship with someone, nor is she unmarried, that she can go to marry someone else. So she's hanging in the middle in a way that is very, very dangerous. And that would be very simple to keep a person in that type of a, you know, situation, also, sometimes you have, and this is something that probably some of you might be in right now. And you might know about it, you have a situation where you're married to someone, but
they,
for example, for some reason, live far away. And for some obstacle, whether it is man made by you, or something you can do nothing about, they cannot come and live with you.
Neither do they want to release, you know, sort the problem out by perhaps agreeing on some something that is, you know, acceptable to both parties. So in both those cases, we would say the person is neither married nor not married, you have, you know, a scenario where someone has promised to marry you, for example, and you're sitting in waiting for them. And they they're just delaying they say tomorrow, next year, the following next month, following month, you know, the proposal will come, we're going to come and they keep you waiting. Now in that case, you're not married, right? But it's quite similar in the sense that you either being fooled, or you are being foolish, one of
the two. Yeah. So you need to know that there is definitely this third category. People who are neither married, that they can enjoy relationship, nor are they unmarried, that they can marry someone else, although Adam
Schiff. Now, there's a lot of use in the crowd. I'm sure there's a lot of young sisters, young brothers in the crowd. And I think from around the age of 1617, maybe even younger, a lot of us start looking forward to getting married 1212.
Okay, maybe if you're 12
that's just a joke. Actually, I just wanted to see if people were actually listening, and they were, but I think you're right, like, you know, about from 12 they start developing interest and doing things and sometimes, you know, they start engaging in immoral behavior from even earlier than 12. I mean, I've come across cases, and that's why we're talking about it, but marriage I think a little bit later. And, you know, it depends on your, your environment, and so on. Anyway, go on. Let's see. So I want to I want to lay out a little scenario in Sharla. And this is a very realistic scenario. This is a sister. She's seen a brother at university or college, seeing immediate just with her eyes
like that. Yes, I see you. Okay, she's seen him. He's a good looking brother, Mashallah. He's practicing he praises Salah, and she would like to marry him.
It can also go the opposite way where the brother has seen a practicing sister, and he likes her. He likes the way she looks. From what he's seen. She is practicing, she observes the hijab etc. He would like to marry her. in this society share what is the best way for people to actually go about approaching each other because less
Say for example, we go by the traditional way or the Strictly speaking, I just thought of something, you know, in the Arabic alphabet, there is a scene. Yes, a scene so she's seen him.
So immediately after the scene, what is there in the Arabic alphabet? Shane? What's the difference between a sheen and the seen?
three dots? Yes. Right. So she needs to take all those three. inshallah, and then she'll have a sheen, and the sheen is obviously a relationship were seeing and then you add the h4, honey, you become your honey inshallah, right? So basically, you making it halaal. It's also the h4 halaal. Right. And the first tip is you get your family involved, your family members involved, someone, like I said earlier in my speech, don't donate your heart or mind to someone because they're going to hurt you. Before you donate your heart and mind, ask yourself two things. Is this within the pleasure of Allah? And have I involved? My folks, your folks, it's a very broad term. The reason is
some may be they may not have parents, some might have whoever else it is your folks. So you involve your folks from the initial stage, someone important in your family who has a bit of authority would actually need to know that the scene would like to be converted to machine, you know, sorry to say that, but you have to, there's no other way of it. You Yes. What do you want to say? But chef, let's say the father is not on the scene, he's on the sod.
Okay, you're getting a bit clever now, but that's fine.
So May Allah bless you, my brother, you know, all of us. I mean, say I mean, a May Allah bless whoever is in that scenario, as well, because it's quite difficult. So you need to involve your brother, maybe that's why I have done something quite realistic in my speech a little bit earlier, by speaking about how important it is to have a relationship with your children, as parents. That's why I stressed on it so much that if your child comes to you and tells you, you know, I've seen someone you need to show an interest in this. And I'm not just saying it out of, you know, imposing, I've done it in my own life, where you know, you have someone coming to say, look, I'd like you to
find out more about this person. Okay, we'll find out more about this person. And then some hannula things develop, they got further and so on until it had, you know, whatever Allah subhanho wa Taala told us to do, we had to do. The reason is, we as parents, and I'm speaking as a parent, we tend to forget that the children are just an Amana. They're not my belonging. No, Allah allows me to say my child, but he is in control of that particular child's entire life, he can take the child away, he can make the child a means of your * on earth, so to speak. But
we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala, to make it easy for us to communicate with our children, when they say something, listen, carefully, interact, engage. And like I said earlier, don't begin to engage with your children, when there is a problem alone, it should have started a long time back, we only try to involve and interfere in their lives when something happens that we don't agree with. And then we say, you should be doing this, I'm your mother, I'm your father, you are not my mother for all these years, you will not my father for all these years in the sense that you didn't fulfill what Allah told you to fulfill. And you're trying to come in involve right now by issuing an
instruction. And I want to add, those who have a beautiful relationship with their children that is, you know, hands on
their children will always make them happy by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala in the sense that they will be beautiful communication, give and take, and you would not hold on to an opinion just because of your ego. But rather, you would ask yourself, you know, what is this? does Allah allow it? Is it okay? You know, am I just being a racist? Am I being someone who's just, you know, denying the reality and so on. So you have to involve a person of your family, unfortunately. And having been trying to help people for so many years. I've seen that where
you do not involve your family, you're actually heading towards disaster, some form of a problem a challenge. Not everyone is strong to go through things on their own. Not every time is it permissible to actually do that. But, you know, you have to involve your folks. and thereafter, they will have to show a keen interest and bring the guy home. That's something that's that I always put forward as a challenge. bring him home. Let's meet him. If he's serious, he will come. If he's not, you know what? He's not going to come. He's gonna say today, tomorrow, the next day, next month. No, he's not going to come. We serious and then they say no, I'm 15. And you know what, the guy I want
to marry is 16. And, you know, we were gonna come around, we need to do our nikka. Now, shake help us. And I'm like, hey, relax. Oh, man. You have to have a bit of self control here.
You can't just say I'm about to go for this as Haram. So che che help us, you know, the shake begins to shake at that point, man.
It's not easy to help, because what do you want me to do you have your desires that you're not able to actually control in the sense that, you know, you don't have restraint, which is part of your Eman supposed to be. And you just come in to say, and a lot of the times, you know, parents are not always wrong. When they tell you listen, this is not going to work. A lot of the times they are right, and unfortunately, I said it earlier, we learn through mistakes. A lot of the times when a parent especially one who's been really good to you, they've they've worked their life, to let you go to school, they've paid your fees with almost all their salary, or whatever else it was they
looked after you they tried their best they provided for you, they kept you in a beautiful way. So involve them in this decision of marriage. When they tell you look, daughter or son, I'd really don't think this is the right thing. I think you're making a big mistake, you need to consider what they're saying speak to them, they might have a very, very good point. And you will have to let go. You know, I always tell people,
how many women are there Earth are men, let's say if the population of the globe is what, six, 7 billion? Let's say Haha, for example, you know not to be,
you know, different. Let's just say 3 billion men, 3 billion women from 3 billion.
You can't see anything besides one palace. That's it one word. That's it. And you're just looking and you're not. There is no marriage. Yes, once you're married, I'm sure it's your spouse and Hamdulillah, you know, but you're not married, and you just close to the degree that you can't even you cannot even see the weaknesses. Sometimes when we desperately want something, we are blinded to the weaknesses of that particular thing. We can't see it. So I want this desperately. But because my parents are not so happy, I begin to fight my parents. And in the process, I've actually blinded myself from all the weaknesses of this person that are glaring me in the face, to the degree that
one day, if it does happen, then it has in some people's case. And then they say, Oh, no, they regret and before you know it, it's all broken. So I want to give a piece of advice to the parents whose children may have gone through something they were not too happy with. And then they come back, either divorced or with a broken relationship, open your arms except your child back. Because you know what, forgive them, they made a mistake, they learned the hard way, but they're still your child, Allah brought them back, it's your responsibility. It definitely is. A lot of people, their ego prevents them from forgiving their own children. And so therefore, I know of a lot of cases
where a person goes away, perhaps they might have had a shirt or a reason. And the folks might not have had a shirt or a reason to block it. So they decided to shift the wellI to someone else who was an imam of the masjid or someone, you know, the the the, whoever else would do that. And they got the Nika done, and they began to live. And then what happens is, and this is not one case, and I'm not speaking of a specific case, while llahi 1000s 1000s you have the parents who then say, That's it, cut the relation completely. We don't want to know this person, hang on, hang on, hang on.
They may have children, those are your grandchildren, they may have a very good relationship, they may be so happy, happier than they would be had they married the person you had, it has happened. A lot of people look, you know, a lot of people in their families very, you know,
out of concern. They have an idea. You know, my daughter's growing up. And you know, my brother has a son or my uncle, he's got a grandson. This person's got a cousin, I saw that guy, you know, and I've you paid it up in your head. And so when your child comes up with something, it's no way why because I've got a dream. Sometimes we unfortunately even communicate that dream to the parent of that person way before our child even knew what marriage was all about. Well, I think this is realistic. And so we find it so difficult to pull the plug because we feel embarrassed. For that reason we chop off our own child gone. What I want to encourage myself in yourselves where your
children have made a mistake. Learn to embrace them, forgive them, they will probably come back you might have a day when you can quickly say, I think I told you and don't harp on that. You know, you have, for example, a daughter or a son. They married someone you really warned them about and they still married them. And then when they come back every day, you tell them I told you I didn't tell you now suffer. I told you Didn't I tell you? No sir. That is absolute nonsense. The reason is your job as a parent is not to keep on making your child feel bad about a mistake.
They made, it's over. It's done. You told me once Now, come on, let's move on. So my brother, as you can see, it's very, very, you know, difficult scenario. But I really pray, number one, that we are rightly guided number two, that we can take our parents seriously. Number three, that the parents can take their children seriously. And number four, when a scenario of this nature does come up, let's be realistic, you know, ask for guidance. We're living in an environment where we cannot deny that the ways of getting to know a person who you would be wanting to marry have changed within the Islamic framework. But it's not exactly the old way, you know, the conventional way. It's now
changed, people meet each other and they speak and they talk and they, like I said earlier, if you don't communicate, you're not going to be able to get what you want. May Allah make it easy,
is a color picker. And
there is another question to do with infatuation. So let's say there is a young man or a young woman, and she's seen this one man. And that's it. That's the guy for me. He has one my heart, and they are stuck on this one person. They don't want to let go. And as you said, you know, they they can't let go of, they're looking over the the person's bad habits. They're just looking over it because they're so infatuated. And kind of they feel like they've fallen in love with this person. What advice could you give to someone in that situation, a young person in that situation, not everyone you're impressed with initially is actually the ideal spouse, they might be good at the
Union University or wherever else, they might be good at the workplace. But if you were to visit their home and see how they lived, and meet their folks and their broader family, you will definitely wash your hands off the ideas that you might be developing in your mind. I'm not saying they're not a good person, but the environment is such you know, I have within my own home, sometimes comments fly that, you know, had this person known how you live, perhaps how difficult it is to live with you, they would have never shown an interest in you, you know, you have comments flying around in the extended home. And so, it is quite true that someone sometimes we meet them at
a common place where everything in that particular place is connected to a certain topic that that is of concern to both of us. So for us, it seems so good Mashallah, wait, you haven't seen the real, the real them, you know, when they're not made up number one, when they're just get up early in the morning, when, how they how, for example, how disinterested they might be in cleaning up after themselves, and so many factors. So I think from the initial stage, I've said it, I'm repeating it, don't donate, I'm using the word donate because people give donations, you know, don't donate your heart or your mind to someone until you really, really have answered a few questions. And one of
them would be it needs to be kept within the framework of Allah subhanho wa Taala His pleasure and then involve your folks. And then at the third level, you would want to actually take it a step further and I want to raise one very interesting point. That's come to mind if you don't mind. Of course. There is shavon
shavon beautifies things that are haram you need to know this. And what does he use? He uses halal bait you know when you go fishing in Africa we fish a lot Mashallah. We actually go I'm talking of real fish. Come on guys. So what we do is we get the best bait right? And we have a rod and we cast it in Mashallah. And you have fish what do they do? They see they see a worm they see the bait they are confused, they bite what was our intention to catch shavon uses the same plot with us. So it looks like food it looks like something good once you bite your court and then they bring you in they rope you in slowly but surely, and you come up and suddenly that's the fish as you get out of
the water what happens you die Subhana Allah so this is what happens to us. So it starts in a haram way you see for example a brother a sister Mashallah good really good he job excellent that handler Salah beautiful Mashallah you know, everything's in order Wow, soft spoken very helpful. Mashallah. Up to that point and hamdulillah good Subhanallah you know, whenever I say Mashallah,
there's a WhatsApp clip someone sent to me of a guy who keeps saying Mashallah, brother Have you seen that WhatsApp clip?
I think some of you have right, keeps coming to my head and I think Mashallah brother Subhana Allah
sorry, first of all, for just adding that I thought it would be a bit of flavor for those of you who might know it. So
I know we're talking about so you can see the guy as well. I hope he's not sitting in the crowd. Okay.
Okay. So So the point I'm raising is you say Mashallah, you're excited, and so on.
And then, you know you exchange numbers or somehow you get into contact with the person. And guess what shaytan does shaytan makes this guy get you up for Salah.
So he messages you early in the morning, five o'clock at Caravaggio. Wow. Come on.
I've known of a case where they turn on the live videos to prove that I'm reading Salah. Wow.
And you feel so good motion. You did the Salah for the sake of Allah. I'm not saying no, but the guy woke you up number one. Number two is after a time he starts telling you, you know what,
you need to give up your bad habits and you need and you tell him and each one of you, you've helped yourself improve, perhaps from a religious perspective, that was in a way a good thing. But the fact that it happened such that you are now donating your heart before you involve your folks. And your your argument is but this person brings me closer to Allah and then you bite and what happens? Your life is gone. SubhanAllah you've grown in your building and you're taken out of the water, perhaps you might start Xena and you don't even know. And then you will tell us about Elijah for him? Didn't you hear the lecture we heard the other day not gonna do it again. Sharla the following day. Okay,
let's get up for tahajjud. Now we do tilba Subhana Allah. Now, if you notice, on one hand, it's a good thing to be reminded about doing a good thing and you feel like you've improved as a Muslim, but because you gave your heart away, that was cheapens plan. So that's why Allah tells us involve a third party. And make sure that the person doesn't abuse or use intentionally or unintentionally. Sometimes it's unintentional, I do know, you have a genuine relationship, you really believe someone's good, they've helped you with your project, they might have helped you at school, we're being realistic here.
And you start developing feelings you need to watch out at that stage, you're still in control, people say, but I am not in control of my feelings. Initially you are let's not lie, initially you are, but it's how you allow it to go further, that would actually make you enslaved by those feelings. So we need to know that it is just an example I gave that sometimes shaytan does use a trap. Be careful of these traps. Like I say, while it's good to encourage one another to become better muslimeen. But don't ever let that make you come out of the water itself. And then you know, you've committed something that's major, May Allah forgive one and all I mean, I mean, so mostly,
sometimes a situation happens where we've actually spoken to by let's say, they make a mistake, they go into the marriage, it goes wrong, they split from each other, they are now divorced,
the brother can very, very easily get married again, you know, he can move on. And in a lot of cases, unfortunately, the sister is left in a situation where she's finding it difficult to get remarried.
How can you know, we advise the sisters in this situation, and especially our parents in the community to actually accept these people. I think it's not a question of advising the sisters more than it is advising the brothers and the families of those brothers. The reason is, my brothers and sisters, this is a very emotional issue. It's very close to the heart of a lot of us. Because you know, the divorce rates are high. Not because people are bad, but because shapen is bad. So what shaytan makes us do is when we're getting married, he makes us ignore the guidelines that we were taught, and therefore we ended up marrying the wrong person. When you find out it's the wrong
person. You try to resolve the matter, I have to say that because it's the first step, you have to try to resolve the problem and solve it and make sure that you know you, you actually
come to terms with the fact that I need to correct myself give each other a little bit of time. It brings me also to another point that sometimes
what we do is the minute we have one misunderstanding we say right, that's it, I want out of this marriage, not realizing that we're going to have a misunderstanding with everyone with our own brothers and sisters and parents with those whom we love with everyone. We have a few misunderstandings, you don't break relationships simply because you've had two or three misunderstandings or one. But that's what people are doing. However, if it is a major matter, you can see that both of you are heading in different directions.
There are steps to follow. After that. We're very respectfully your pathways
when you engage in
or when you officiate your nikka or your marriage, you've entered into territory that will give you greater access to acts of worship that will result in your entry in general that's why some people say half your Diem right you know why? Now I've got in laws bro to get along with your in laws ism.
Mission it's a mission for me to be able to pull that through. I deserve Jelena guys come on, come on, man, half my Amanda, whatever I've done in the past Salas, a car, whatever else, I mean, that was easy. By the way, it wasn't as bad now who getting along there, bro, you know, you gotta say Mashallah, you know, you gotta try your best. So it's an act of worship. Why is it called half the deen by some because it's not a joke. It's difficult, it's hard, you got new relatives, you got a whole line of them before when you traveled, you just had to buy a gift for one or two people. Now there's a line of people, if you miss one out this and I knew she was bad, you know. So it's really
difficult. And you know, as you have all the relatives, and you have to try and make amends. And you know, you have to work your days of eat out because as you grew up, you had eat with it with your folks all the time. Now that you're married.
What's gonna happen?
Where do we do the eat? It's a question that's resulted in divorce. I've had the cases. Well, you have to, you have to learn to Hello.
That's where you do the EDC, Mashallah, they don't even want us to tell you. So
you have to actually learn to come to an understanding and an agreement, either, this IID will first go to my folks. And in the afternoon, especially when you're living in one city or nearby. We'll go to my folks. And in the afternoon, we'll go to your folks. And next, we will first go to your folks and then we'll come to mind. Why don't you share it out? The problem is no, we've had it for 30 years before I married my family. I'm never compromising that. In that case, on the day of each mother goes her way father goes his way. or husband goes his way wife goes her way. Is that it?
Come on, you're adults, you're adults. And there are two families, you need to look after yours and hers. It doesn't mean she's a wife. So that's it. She has to do as I say, No, you need to have a good understanding. It's a day of each make each other happy. What is the day of it all about to spend the day of joy and happiness in the obedience of Allah with your family? What else do you want? That's what it is actually, therefore, it's a day of happiness, joy, primarily pleasing Allah, you will do an extra rabada or to like the Salah, the hookah, etc. And then you you are with your family. And she is also part of your family and her family is also part of your family, whether you
like it or not. So you have to actually build these relations. Now, why am I saying this because we're getting to divorce. When you do the nikka. And the marriage, there is a door of worship, acts of worship that are open that were not open before.
When you have your children to allow them to visit your in laws is a great act of worship because sometimes you might not get along with them completely. But you have to they have a right they are the grandparents or the uncles and aunts from the other side. You know you might want to minimize if it is very bad influence. But generally if they are slightly different, you have to put a lid on your ego and you have to understand they are the grandchildren of these people as well. It's an act of worship, half your deen you see. Now when you end up divorcing someone, there are doors that open up for ibadah and worship that will never opened before. Such as
speaking good about your ex Allahu Akbar, Allahu Akbar.
Allahu Akbar, that's a big one. You have to go out of your way to engage in an ibadah known as saying good about someone behind their backs.
Someone asks you what happened?
The correct answer is look, Mashallah good person, I hope I was a good person as well. We didn't get along.
You know, it's a respectful answer. It might not be exactly as I said, but respectful. And if someone is keen on getting married to your ex, and they want to know the details, if they were serious issues that need to be mentioned privately to a person because we're not allowed to lie. When someone is about to enter into marriage with someone else you need to know are they asking you genuinely because they would like to know, because half of them they just asked you but they've already made their minds up. You know? If that's the case, say look, you know, what, didn't get along with me perhaps get along with you? What law had happened at the time of the Sahaba of the
Allahu anhu many times when some of them would say to the others Why don't you marry such and such a woman she was married to me didn't get along with me but I'm sure she was a very good person. She'll get along with you a low level and then we claim to be good Muslims Wow, Mashallah. We think it's all about I'm here and it's just Salah after Salah. I don't care how I speak to someone how I've seen people who are outwardly extremely pious, extremely. And I think to myself sometimes that you know what
That reward is going to someone else, because you're busy backbiting you're busy.
You know, I received a message a few moments ago from a friend of mine in Nigeria. And I'm going to say this because perhaps they can benefit, we can all benefit. And the idea of the message was perhaps good in the sense that they wanted to say, look, as Muslims in our weddings, we should try and have a bit of modesty and you know, we should behave in a more respectful way, etc. Up to that point, I agree. I would say that right now that as Muslims, we should be right, we all would agree, try and have your, you know, the day you sowing the seed of your entire future, why do you want to make it the displeasure of Allah, that's the most powerful way of looking at it. I'm about to sow
the seed for the rest of my life, the deer and the predestiny, everything is coming into effect today, I'm going to be having children inshallah, the future is going to be coming in sha Allah, Allah knows about it. And on this day is the same day that everything I've done is within the displeasure of Allah, that embarrassment of the thought should be enough for me to be able to hold back and say, hang on, I can do anything but not today.
Even if I'm a weak Muslim, you get my point. I might be weak, I'll do anything, not today.
By right, we're not supposed to be doing anything. Anyway, any day. It's always supposed to be within the pleasure of Allah. But I'm talking of if you have a weakness, try and catch it on that day. The problem with weddings is even those who don't generally have weaknesses, they tend to think this is the, you know, when you're on diet, what do you call the one day, cheat day, right? They tend tend to think, Okay, this is the cheat day you can do as you want. That's wrong. So we sold the wrong seed. So I received a message, it was okay. But then they had a photograph of people. One example and another example, an example of someone who wasn't a Muslim. And there was a picture of
perhaps a wedding scene. And another example of people who are Muslim, and there was a picture of a wedding scene, and they were trying to show you look how bad the Muslims have become, and look at how and yet these are known people in society. For me, that is such a big backbiting issue that all your reward has gone to those people, they probably will come out of whatever they were doing more clean than any one of us who've been forwarding those messages about them, trying to give an example yet. The fact that we mentioned names and had pictures is what rendered it a crime in the eyes of Allah. It became backbiting belittling someone for what, probably the people who are forwarding
messages might have in their private lives, greatest sins than that. So if you want to correct someone go back to Marbella calm, go back to the Hadith of the Prophet Salaam, where he generalized it, he said, Look, my brothers, my sisters, there are people perhaps we need to do this, we need to make sure that we have, you know, a link with Allah, we need to make sure that we don't do the wrong thing, etc. So when a person is divorced, one of the greatest acts of worship is to watch the mouth to to hold yourself back from saying that which is evil, don't be evil. Secondly, if you have children, one of the biggest acts of worship from you that will get you in Sharla into Jenna, is if
you can put a lid on your ego and allow access to the father or mother of the child, depending on who has that custody.
It's not a joke.
Not many people, even religious who read 10 Salah a day, when it comes to a matter of this nature. They say no, I know what I'm doing. What happened? What happened to all your Salah when I say 10 By the way, we're talking of the forest as well as the sun and the Nuffield and everything else. But this is the thing I was testing you with. There was a divorce that happened. How dare you decide that that's it, the children are mine and not yours.
Allah gave them to you as a test. Come on, you have to change. You have to put a lid on your ego. The world is struggling and suffering you cannot allow that to happen to you. You might be diagnosed with the biggest disease tomorrow morning or tonight. And then what are you going to do? May Allah grant cure to all of us who are struggling in one way or another with our health say I mean?
So that's another point regarding your children.
And thereafter.
Remember,
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam married a few times.
All of his spouses besides one
were previously married. How's that? We ever thought of that? I think a lot of people forget all of the spouses besides one I should have a Lavina she was the only one who was never married before the rest of them, either divorced or widowed. Where are the men from amongst us and more than the men? Here comes the father and the mother of this guy. He is interested he wants to marry someone and they are okay. They even meet her and after that they say Wow, what a lovely
Choice you've made and so on. And thereafter when they find out she was previously married, they say no, no, no, no, no. You know what, this is not going to happen, because it's a disgrace. How are we going to face our cousins? How are we going to face my brother and so on? While law when the children did things they did it without consulting you not even bothered about you? Why are you bothered about someone else? do what is right? Are you not enough? A leader within your home to be able to lead the way for your own house? could look camera and we could look
at all of you are shepherds, and each one of you is responsible for his flock?
I don't have to worry about what the world is going to think. And we say no. Why? But she's a divorcee. Go back to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. Look at his marriage starting with Khadija been to Hawaii literally laquanda and look at the others. And look at the Sahaba of the Allahu Allah boom.
Where are we?
It will happen in your own home some time later. It may because the tables turn and then what? Too late. We've already destroyed people's lives. We've blocked and stopped. So I call on parents with a passion.
Be careful. To be judgmental. Sometimes a person who's divorced may be a million times better than an idea you have in your mind for your child. While law Hey,
by the way,
on a CV, when you have experienced I think you're given preference.
By Allah subhanho wa Taala. Bless us.
That's a good one.
Hello, parents. So just to conclude, I'd like to ask you one last question. We've spoken a lot this evening about marriage, we've spoken about for example, let's say you see a brother or sister they're practicing Mashallah. But at the same time, we've also said, Don't just take everything at face value. What advice mostly Could you give to all of the youth out here that are here that have taken the time out to come and listen to us? May Allah bless them?
What advice could you give them? that these are the pointers? If you see these specific things, she's the one. If you see these specific things, he's not the one.
Okay, those pointers were given by Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam way back. And the thing is, it's difficult to just tell the brothers and sisters that you know what, he's the one or she's the one because sometimes the eyes through which we're looking are actually deceived by the surroundings. What that means is, I can look and I can say, Wow, why, because what have I seen, I might have seen a proper dress code, I might have seen, oh, well, this person's read their Salah, I might have heard them speak softly to me or to anyone else, you know, but I don't know if that is actually the person because you never know who a person is. Unless you've lived with them, traveled
with them done business with them and interacted with them in a big way. Right? So it might be
we will never be able to say that's the right one. Sometimes you get a feeling and maybe it can come through later on. It has happened to people where you know you you've just met someone and in your heart, there's a feeling that you get, but you need to make a lot of number one number two is before you actually say that is the one get your get your folks involved that someone find out a little bit more. Because for me to show you for the moment that you're seeing me every day, the best part of me is not so difficult. If I interact with the people at my workplace for five hours every day, I can show them the best side of me go and ask my wife she'll say
you don't even want to begin to know who this guy from who he really is. Okay, sorry. That's not me. I'm just talking about an example guys, right? But, but, but it's a fact that sometimes you don't know you really don't so it's not easy like I said to just say that's the one but get people involved find out before you donate your heart notice it's the fifth time I'm saying this tonight before you give your heart away to someone find out a bit more Be realistic don't just look at someone and say wow, you know Wow, because the wow Subhanallah it's actually very dangerous Subhanallah you can drop straight through.
We are taught that look a person marries for a few reasons. Some people marry for looks. They see you and they say wow and the next thing the rest of the letters of the alphabet are in order. You know it's all done Mashallah.
What did it start with? I just looked at her she was so gorgeous. Angela, some people marry full looks. So what happens as the looks diminish and they do diminish as you age Mashallah.
For a person who has looked beyond your physical, you know, your body, they will be able to see the beauty increase as time passes. As you age. They
Find you more beautiful, they find you such a lovely person, their bond with you is filled with Rama and mawatha and Sakina. It's filled with that mercy that love, you know, you look at how this person sacrifices for me and I sacrifice for them. We've had children, we've been through ups and downs, we've gone through it, and we love each other, we actually appreciate each other. I've kept myself from sin, because I appreciate my spouse, and I don't want children to come between us. So the love increases. But if it's just merely outward looks, you might be in for a high jump, you know, you might be really getting into something very, very dangerous. So some people marry just for wealth.
And I've seen this growing. I saw once a
video someone sent to me
trying to prove a point of some materialistic people. Not everyone, but it's just an example. They were doing a, you know, one of those surveys or maybe not a prank, but they were just trying to figure out something like a social experiment, social experiment. Exactly, exactly.
So what they did is they had a guy asking a woman who was dressed in a very different way, let me not use a bad word, okay.
And he, he tried to like sort of draw her attention and to make her come towards him. And she just flicked at him, you know, like,
I'm not even interested. And he just walked a few steps. he flicked the remote. And here's his little
Lamborghini.
And the woman turns around and she smiles at him.
What happened?
marrying my Lamborghini chick, may Allah subhanho wa Taala protect us. If that's what drew you to someone, just the Lamborghini he had the car and the wealth he had made sure that there is something beyond that, that has drawn you to that particular person, because I've given you an example of looks of wealth, some people just because of lineage, ooh, I'm marrying the daughter of x. You know who that is? That's a big person. You know, he's the chief of that particular company and cetera, et cetera. So you marry them. You don't know you're probably just going to be enslaved in today. And you'd have to look and see. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. To your own spouse, so holla Well, we do that
anyway. Don't read humbler? But, but it's good for us. It's done out of love. I really wouldn't mind I really wouldn't mind if my wife were to phone me now. And tell me move to the left. I had moved to the left even if there's no place out of love. That's it. So what if that makes her happy makes you happy? You know, people might say this guy is a chicken. I don't mind being called a chicken. I'll even quack quack for you a little bit. So long as she's happy. Mashallah, yeah, if that's what makes your marriage Let it be. I'm telling you and I know that you might be surprised it's a reality. SubhanAllah it's a reality. However, let's get to the real real beans. The Hadid says of Barbie
data, Dini Teddy Bhatia duck, if you want true victory, and success, success will come if you've chosen the dean, if you've chosen the character, the conduct the dean, that which Allah has asked you to look at. So that doesn't mean that you just pick someone whom you say, look, the dean is really good. But you see,
I really cannot get along with this person because I don't know. There has to be a bit of chemistry. Allah has made everyone handsome and pretty. There's no one who's ugly and not good looking. But it's in the eyes of the beholder. I might like a person of a certain, you know,
size shape, and it's okay, it's fine. It's my liking, alas, put it in my heart. But someone else might like something totally different. I mean, sometimes you find the young people saying, Oh, she's hot. And you try to think what? You know, it just goes to show.
So the Hadith says if you want success, you can look at the family if you want. You can look at the wealth if you want but that's not the deciding factor. You have to look at looks as well. You have to do because there has to be a bit of chemistry. I mean, I can't tell you listen, marrying you but you know what you're gonna have to put on a niqab in the bed as well.
The guy by the way, isn't that biology shit? Sorry, biology Subhan, Allah Subhana Allah, Allah subhanho wa Taala guide us imagine one of the guys in the wife tells you Listen, don't don't like what you look like. You got to cover your face. I mean, May Allah forgive us might be a silly example, but I'm drawing it in order to show you that there has to be a slight bit of chemistry. And then inshallah you know, you get the people to confirm it, your family inshallah involved and so on. As time passes, and you're making an istikhara brother, we'll spend two minutes on this. I've just thought of something very important
as time passes, and you're making an istikhara
one of two things is going to happen. Either things are going to become easy or things are going to become difficult. If things become easy, that's the response of your istikhara positively, if things are going to become difficult, it's the response of you is to Hara negatively. Remember, when you make a do our wish, the harder we all have a miss understanding that you're going to dream something 99% of the time you don't dream anything. Remember that. So it's not like, you know, a revelation is going to come through your dream. And you see that, that that's it? No, you did not read the meaning of the dua. That's why you don't even know what you asked Allah for.
That says, oh, Allah, if this is good for me, make it easy for me, give me Baraka in it and let it happen for me. So you get up in the morning, and everything is not happening. Why? Because the other part of the drive that you made in the two hours is Oh, Allah, if it's not good for me create a barrier between me and it, take it away from me make it difficult to make me happy with what you've decreed. So everything becomes very, very difficult. That's the response of your DC hora. It's in the two hours to go back and read the DA. And you'll understand people say, you know, it's becoming so difficult, but I've dreamed and I've had so many dreams, my sister, my brother, a lot of the
people have already slept with each other before they're doing is taharah Do you not think your istikhara is gonna be tainted with whatever has happened? I mean, you crazy watching her talking to her or him every single day thinking that that's not going to have an impact about your dreams and everything, your thoughts and whatnot, you need to know what's the meaning of istikhara. And if you've already made your mind up, don't waste your time making it harder.
Because then you're not going to follow it. And another very interesting point is
istikhara. You know, for those of you who might not know what it is, it's to seek the guidance of Allah regarding a matter that you are confused about. So if you're not confused about it, it's inapplicable. You don't have to do it. I'm not confused. Things are one plus one is two. I don't need to do any staccato for that. Because it is to see, but where I'm confused you saying, oh, Allah, I don't know, you know, please guide me helped me. By that time, have you? Or have you not donated your heart? If you have? I don't see how it's applicable. To see, if you haven't becomes applicable, then you if it's a no, you're gonna back off. The problem is a lot of us. We put the
cart before the donkey. And what do we do? We try and do any staccato, and everything is already over. It's all decided and done. So my brothers and sisters,
I go back quickly to recap, the question that was asked about when do you know that it's right, there comes a stage during the whole process, when you know it's right.
And sometimes
people get engaged.
It's not wise to prolong an engagement.
Actually, if you prolong an engagement, what you're asking for is shapen to come in, because they say you can marry four years from now. But I know who I'm going to marry. And it's going to be four years. Imagine all those four years, what's going to happen?
Do you think the young men and women today the majority of them have the capacity to stay away? Completely? Let's be realistic. Minimum is there'll be sharing images and having video talks. And sometimes, you know, the guy will loosen the button, it's reality. And the next thing she'll say, Oh, I like your chest and then you take off his jersey. And it happens. Why? Because Japan is there. And who is to blame the people who have decided to delay. That Nika when they knew we're happy that this side is happy that sides happy. But no, four years later, you have to get your job. And I've interviewed parents whom themselves have not had jobs when they were married. It's ironic.
Our own parents when they married, they didn't own a home.
They didn't really have a solid income. They probably never had proper jobs. But Mashallah they married? They were happy they had us we were okay. When we want to marry. They say no, the guy needs a job. I mean, where's the Wait, why is it so much, you know, hypocrisy.
So we need to know, if an engagement has happened.
And you begin to have negative thoughts.
Break it? Did you hear what I just said? Break it.
Cancel it. It's easier to break it at that stage than to wait to get a niqab done and to to have children innocent ones, we're going to be caught in the turmoil.
So my beloved parents, if your children want to call off the engagement, support them, talk to them initially, you might want to know why you might want to guide them. Yes. But if they want to call it off, don't say I spent so much money because you're gonna spend even more money and then it's gonna break when it's gonna make you cry. tears of blood. So rather do it now. mela somehow
What's Allah guide us and help us? It's a very tough topic, but I have not minced my words.
I think if we were to play in one sentence, it would be. don't donate your heart without knowing what you're donating to 100% Zach, I love it. That's the message I've been driving home today.