Marriage & Relationships – Part 1

share this pageShare Page
Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Series:

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

Lecture by Mufti Menk on Saturday 17th March 2018.
– – – – – – –
An evening of practical advice on marriage, families and relationships. Dealing with difficult issues while keeping a mentally sound state of mind.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:07--> 00:00:10

Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

00:00:12--> 00:00:37

smilla rahmanir rahim In the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala Most Gracious, Most Merciful Alhamdulillah All praise is indeed due to Allah subhanho wa Taala Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah Allah Allah He was happy ah many blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his household companions, may Allah subhanho wa Taala, bless them, bless every one of us, grant us goodness in this world, and the next,

00:00:38--> 00:00:40

my brothers and sisters,

00:00:41--> 00:00:42

from amongst us,

00:00:43--> 00:00:47

there are three types of people when it comes to marriage.

00:00:49--> 00:00:50

Those who are married,

00:00:51--> 00:00:54

those who are not married, who knows what's the third one?

00:00:55--> 00:01:44

Those who are neither married nor not married? You might be confused. What does that mean? Well, those in that condition know exactly what I'm talking about. You're neither married, nor are you not married. And that is a category mentioned in the Quran. And Allah subhanho wa Taala speaks about those that are neither married nor not married. That's a very interesting way of starting because if you're not married, Subhanallah, I'm sure you would be interested one day, I hope in getting married. And for that to happen, you would need to look for a spouse. And we have two things. One is what the Quran and Sunnah teach us regarding choosing your spouse and how it should be done. The

00:01:44--> 00:02:37

guidelines. And secondly, we have society and community, the cultures, the knowns, as time passes, there are different ways of meeting up, there are different ways that you get to know one another a potential spouse, it's not exactly as it used to be a long time ago. So within that beautiful framework, how exactly to be able to get to the situation, or to be able to get to the stage where we become halaal for one another, that also is part and parcel of what we need to know, we cannot deny that the globe has changed, we cannot deny that the methods of getting yourself acquainted with another person have actually changed. And if we do not embrace this change within the limits and the

00:02:37--> 00:03:33

scope of Islam, we would actually be creating stress, and causing depression and the harm in the hearts and minds of those who our loved ones to us. So for example, if you have a parent who has this ideal idea in their heart in their minds, it's something very ideal. I have my child, I have my daughter, I have my son, for example. And I really believe that I would like them to get married in a specific way to a specific person. And I'd like it to happen, the way I have planned it all out. And if you're thinking that it's going to work according to your plan alone, then you're definitely not being realistic at all. You're not being realistic at all. You need to know we all have plans,

00:03:33--> 00:04:02

not just for marriage, we all have plans, but the almighty his plan will always go beyond what we have planned. And we need to adjust the plan as time passes for our children. I'm addressing here, our parents, those who are parents, I'm a parent, and I'm sure from amongst us there are a lot of people who are parents and inshallah would be parents may Allah bless those who don't have offspring with those who will be the coolness of their eyes, I mean,

00:04:04--> 00:04:43

and so as time passes, we definitely need to adjust this dream adjust this plan of hours because your child happens to go to school, your child happens to come back perhaps they are on the public transport or perhaps walking to school coming back in a country like this. Perhaps they interact with people after school, maybe at the workplace, maybe at the university and there is a little bit of feedback from the sound my brother's slight bit of feedback if you can deal with it. You may if you cannot, we don't mind actually speaking with it. inshallah.

00:04:44--> 00:04:46

Can you hear me too? Am I the only one

00:04:47--> 00:04:48

I'm the only one

00:04:49--> 00:04:55

Okay, so in that case, if they drop it too much my brother we might spoil the sound so leave it as is inshallah I take back my

00:04:56--> 00:04:58

suggestion Baraka Luffy

00:05:00--> 00:05:16

Sorry about that. But I am normally a person who prefers to stop things and sort them out than to live my entire life regretting that I didn't say anything you know. So that teaches us another thing, even if you want to marry someone, brother, sister, open your mouth, if you don't, don't expect people to actually just like, you know, look at you.

00:05:18--> 00:05:29

And then when they get married, but I wanted to marry you, you know, you didn't tell me so Pamela. So, we just go to actually, in fact, we can draw that lesson from this by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala.

00:05:31--> 00:05:58

I think we've dropped the sound a little bit too much. Now. I don't know. That's what I think. I'm not trying to be a fussy mother in law or a father in law. And I heard brother Moosa earlier saying your mother in law might be here. I tell you something. Those mothers in law that are here today are the best mothers in law. Do you know why? They've come here? Subhan Allah, may Allah subhanho wa Taala. Bless us all. I think we've dropped it a little bit too low, so we can return it to where it was. I regret having spoken.

00:05:59--> 00:06:02

Okay, so my brothers and sisters.

00:06:03--> 00:06:36

I think, if I can pause for a moment, there's something on my mind right now, based on what brother Moosa had just said, you know, when we speak of mothers in law, I promise you, it is just a stigma that's attached but in real life, it's not true. It is not true. I've known of a lot of mothers in law being absolutely superb human beings, those who are really great in the character and conduct and I'm sure I'm actually screaming now my voice I've raised it a lot. So if we can raise this inshallah so that I can speak

00:06:38--> 00:06:39

once again regret

00:06:40--> 00:06:43

so and I'm sure it's actually gone even further down, Mashallah.

00:06:45--> 00:07:12

Subhan Allah, you know, we're going to be battling with the sound right up to the end, I have a feeling but it's fine. I'm one not to really get so upset, you know. So we've actually made it much worse than it was to see. I sound like I'm actually Spaceman and I think it happens in our relationships as well where when we want to solve a problem, people react in a way that you know, you say something and they sort of raise it to the degree that it makes it worse. My brother let's go back to me well

00:07:16--> 00:07:19

sometimes Mashallah, that was quite good for a moment hamdulillah

00:07:22--> 00:07:56

you know, if you have to comment about the salt for example, in the food and someone says, right, you put the salt from now on, you know, that's what happens. So, I might have to step down and do the salt myself. But it's good. I think we're there handle I'm happy I'm satisfied. Mashallah. JazakAllah Hey, my brother's May Allah bless you with gentle fair dose. And may Allah give you Jenna first in the dunya inshallah, may your life be such that it's like a little mini prelude to the real paradise that's to come by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So, in order to build relationships, and we're talking about marriage and relationships, we need to acknowledge when a person is actually

00:07:56--> 00:08:34

trying to do something based on what you said. So sometimes in the home, you might pass a comment or someone says something, and the other person's really trying to be the way you would like them to be or trying to do what you'd like them to do. And because it takes a while to adjust, it sometimes takes a bit of a while to get it to that, you know, to fine tune it. And we get upset in the interim, making matters worse, you've just got to remain cool and calm. And you've just got to wait for it in sha Allah by the will of Allah, it will come and you know, we will all be rewarded for it. So I was speaking about the goodness of your in laws. We need to change that narrative. I believe

00:08:34--> 00:09:09

that by becoming people who are the best to their children in law, we need to promise ourselves and Allah subhanho wa Taala that I'm going to be the best father in law in the case of a female, the best mother in law Subhan Allah, I'm going to be the best because a lot of the complaints and you know today I received five emails just before I came from the 1000s of emails, five were picked up being related to marriage and relationships, and all of them complaining about certain things and I'm going to get to that in Sharla

00:09:10--> 00:09:27

if I can, is the light disturbing you? Am I just being a nag Subhana Allah, I really don't know what to say Subhanallah because I can see everything behind me but I cannot see myself. So I don't know if that thing's flashing every now and again. Or it's just me. May Allah forgive me.

00:09:28--> 00:09:29

Am I showing my true colors here?

00:09:33--> 00:10:00

Anyway, my brothers and sisters we're enjoying this evening. I'm trying to concentrate. That's what I'm trying to do. And you know, we want to stick to the topic, but unfortunately, we've just kicked off so one or two minor adjustments, it's fine. I am driving the latest motor vehicle, you know, most comfortable S Class Mercedes for example. And there is a little adjustment to be done on the wheel. I'd rather stop and adjusted and enjoy the ride than to actually just go all the way up north and you

00:10:00--> 00:10:06

Then complain about how it was wobbly. May Allah subhanho wa Taala, grant us ease. So my brothers and sisters,

00:10:07--> 00:10:29

many times we end up complaining about people and we promise that we don't want to be like them and we end up becoming worse than them without realizing it. Because we pointing fingers not knowing that the way to change is actually to begin with yourself. In Allah, Allah yovani Rama be comin had

00:10:31--> 00:10:31

been

00:10:32--> 00:11:11

forcing him, Allah will not change the condition of a nation until and unless they don't change themselves, each individual needs to change himself. And I've come across many people who don't believe in that verse. They don't they say, well, there's a problem there. Why should I change myself? Well, that's a law your maker telling you, you have to adjust yourself, when there is an issue. And the problem, it might be that that person is harassing you troubling you making your life difficult, but you need to at the same time, look at how you are reacting how you are perhaps you might have caused a situation and now you're sitting with it, and you're just blaming everyone else,

00:11:11--> 00:11:49

because they've become worse than you, they've become worse than you as a result of what you triggered off. And this is why it's important for us to know that Allah subhanho wa Taala keeps reminding us about ourselves, you know, if you have to adjust yourself, you have to become more conscious of yourself, you have to develop yourself, and so on. It's the beginning point, it might not solve the whole problem. But the minimum is, it's going to make you look at matters from a different light. It's going to make you look at things from a different light. I'm in a situation, for example, I love my spouse, but I'm having an issue with the broader family. Well, I can tell

00:11:49--> 00:12:34

you, I'm going to have to live with that to a certain degree. And what that degree is, differs from situation to situation and perhaps will also differ based on the how I deal with it. So if I deal with it in a proper way, perhaps I will be able to minimize the issue. And I will be able to look at it with a broad heart. You know, when you hold everything in your heart, you become a person filled with hatred filled with so much of negativity, because you're holding too much. You don't need to hold so much. You need to learn to let go of things. It's like when you arrive at the airport. And you're told you only allowed one piece 20 kilos, have you heard that? Nowadays, they may allow you

00:12:34--> 00:12:44

to pieces 23 kilos each. If one of them is more than 23, you you have a problem. And if both are more than 46, you're going to have to shed some of it. Now.

00:12:45--> 00:13:22

Those of you who visited India, perhaps I'm going to give you that example India and Pakistan, perhaps even Bangladesh. I'll give you the example. Those of you who visited folks maybe who live in some of those countries, don't you notice that sometimes out of their love, they give you things that you don't know how you're going to take back some kind of law. And then you start packing things into your bag and you were promising before the journey that I am going I'm not going to be a typical traveler where my my bags are more than my own weight. SubhanAllah you know, I mean, I we I don't know the last time I checked, I think I was somewhere between 75 and 80 I think. And I can

00:13:22--> 00:13:52

tell you something, my bags weigh less than me. Always. When you're gonna say Are you crazy? 70 kilos of weight? Well, we all promise that we're not going to be typical when we watch other people. But guess what happens? You end up picking up things and you bring them to the airport and you say inshallah light will go and you try to make a plan and you go this way. And you stand that way and you smile at the people trying to look at it. And then when they tell you there is a problem, you have to remove five kilos. And then you say, well, maybe I'll take it in my hand.

00:13:53--> 00:14:31

What are you doing? You're making a plan, you have excess baggage. That's what it is. We have excess baggage in our relationships. We have to make a plan shed something you have to shed it whether you like it or not. Or you have to take it in your hand luggage man, Allah subhanho wa Taala forgive us. You have to release certain things. It's a weight. It's a burden. Just like when you've arrived there and you need to now get rid of 10 kilos for example, or five. You open your bags and you start thinking right these peanuts, we don't need them. We get them back in England. These pistachios we get them back in England, I have a policy. Any one of my relatives gives me pistachios, peanuts,

00:14:31--> 00:14:58

etc. Things that I can get at my destination. I tell them listen, I'm giving it away, I'll carry nothing. And when I go there, I'll purchase whatever you've given me the equivalent of it and give it it's cheaper and better for me two ways. One is weight wise and even monetary wise Subhanallah I gave someone else a gift and then when I got home, I bought a similar gift and gave it because you could get it there. I remember one brother who told me and it's a true story. He had visited India and when he returned

00:15:00--> 00:15:40

The journey back, he was told you need to shed so many kilos and there was no relative of his at the airport to give it back to just quite a bit. opened his bags, what did you see? Literally peanuts, pistachios, everything else? And he told me he told himself now I'm going to take all this out and give it away to some cleaners. But you know what, let me just pay for it just pay for the overweight and go. So he told him what will it cost? Here's my card, sometimes a card, you know, you're not carrying the cash. So you don't realize how much is gone, you know. So what happened? He took his bags, he paid for it a large amount of money, large sums of money. And he regretted it because when

00:15:40--> 00:16:11

he saw the SMS on his phone, he he thought to himself, Oh, I can't believe it. I paid for the peanuts, and the pistachios and all these other little nuts and so on. And it's so much of money, I could have bought that 10 times. And the worst was when he got to England, all his little kids and grandkids and everybody else. They had these sweets and peanuts all around everywhere on the floor, he gathered all of them and said, Listen, guys, you've got to eat every single beaner because you don't know what it cost him.

00:16:12--> 00:16:38

And I'm thinking to myself, Brother, you should have just shredded, giving it away, leave it somewhere, it would have helped you, you'd have saved money you'd have you had a better journey, you wouldn't have had worries. And when you see people actually wasted you would not be feeling like so let down so to speak because of the value of what you purchased, or what you paid for. The same applies in our relationships with Allah He my brothers and sisters, I have learned from it myself.

00:16:39--> 00:17:20

If you want to lead a positive life, you need to be prepared to let go of petits let go don't hold it against the people, we all have weaknesses, myself included, we have weaknesses, some of them are not so you know, small, some of them are big weaknesses. So as much as you can let go, let it go, it will help you, it will really help you and think of the good of people go out of your way to think of the good what goodness does this person have. And I do know, if you're being oppressed. And when I talk about oppression here, I'm talking of you really are struggling with your mind, you're really you've tried to forgive as much as you can, and you're struggling so much, it becomes much more

00:17:20--> 00:17:33

difficult to actually live with such people. So we need to promise that we are going to become we are going to become the best to those whom we live with wherever they are. Is that a good enough promise?

00:17:34--> 00:17:37

Very few people said yes. Is that a good enough promise?

00:17:38--> 00:17:46

Yes, it is ahead of you knows there. But I think it's just the sarcastic guys whom I must have irritated by my sound story. May Allah forgive me.

00:17:48--> 00:18:15

So my brothers and sisters, we all need to promise all of us young and old, you go home, make sure you know and you understand that you have pledged that you're going to make life good and easy and facilitated for those whom you live with. Because charity definitely begins at home. It definitely begins at home, if you're not the best to those whom you live with, trust me, you're not going to be the best at all.

00:18:16--> 00:18:39

The Prophet sallallahu wasallam says, the best of you are those who are best to their wives, their family members. So that's what happens, it's not going to be easy. That's why you're considered the best. Because you're different. People are going to think differently, but to be able, if I'm thinking of how to make life easy for you, and you're thinking of how to make life easy for me, then Subhanallah we have a brilliant relationship, it's going to be beautiful.

00:18:41--> 00:19:07

When Allah subhanho wa Taala make it easy. Now I want to go back back to choosing a spouse. So we have the proper teachings of Islam. And we need to understand that Islam does not dictate every step as to how you will get married No. But rather it lays a framework. And with that framework, you are allowed within that framework to adjust things

00:19:09--> 00:19:26

as per the changes in society and community unconditioned that they don't go beyond the framework. So there was a time when introductions were made by parents and family members. And I'd like to think that it still happens that way. Right? So you have parents and family members

00:19:27--> 00:20:00

who introduce the son or the daughter to someone whom they believe is perhaps a prospective spouse. And then the two of them meet number one, we need honesty. If you are having a relationship with a third party, Please be honest. Please come out clear to your parents to everyone else to say you know what, I am having a relationship with another person and I won't be able to consider this because the biggest punishment and I'm saying this based on based on what comes to me in

00:20:00--> 00:20:42

terms of queries and those who seek help. The biggest sin is when you're marrying someone knowing that you are involved with someone else, stuff. And people are doing it to please their parents, it is a disease, I'm sure a lot of you know exactly what I'm talking about. So my beloved parents don't push your children to the degree that you've, you've issued a death sentence to someone else's daughter, or to someone's son, when your daughter or son was involved with a third party, and you blocked it squashed it. And sometimes, the way you dealt with it, they didn't even have the courage or the guts to let you know that there was something else going on. How many of us have heard of

00:20:42--> 00:21:14

those whom, out on their honeymoon, they're busy texting or sexting someone else. And that's supposed to be a honeymoon. It's a reality. When we talk about marriage and relationships, in this day and age, we have to raise these issues. Because if we don't, who is going to raise them. So my beloved parents, you are a criminal, if you've done that criminal, and I promise you, that would be so bad, because you have messed up and ruined the life of an innocent child, someone else, you've ruined their lives to the degree

00:21:15--> 00:21:22

that you don't even realize they could have been happier with someone else. And they would have been happier, had they not even been married.

00:21:24--> 00:21:44

So this is why we say the first step, just be honest, you come forth, and you said, You know what, unfortunately, or fortunately, whatever it is, I'm not interested here. I'm involved somewhere else. I'm interested in a third party, my parents are forcing it on me. And now we have a bigger problem where the guy says, Yeah, I know that they're forcing you but I don't care. I don't mind. It's fine.

00:21:45--> 00:22:26

What are you talking about? I've come across such cases, whether it's for immigration purposes, whatever other purpose it is, we're law II, this is criminal behavior. This is absolutely unacceptable. It is against the basic rights of a child to choose the spouse, it's a basic right? You're never allowed to impose a decision of who to marry. As a parent, that's not a right that Allah has given you. The child has a right to refuse, and to reject and to say, No, I'm not interested, and so on. You have to open your ears, you have to listen attentively. What do they want? What are they seeking? So that's step number one, the introductions used to be made, I think

00:22:26--> 00:22:44

there are still made in a lot of communities, and introduction is made. If you don't get along, perhaps the first person introduced to you, you're allowed to meet them. And the meeting is not just a little tray that you pick up, and you pass from one corner of the room to the other. And they supposed to size you up in that moment, and then say, huh,

00:22:45--> 00:22:46

that's not how it works.

00:22:49--> 00:23:06

You have every right to talk to communicate, to interact, to see to look. And they have a right as well. You need to talk, communicate, interact, see, and look. And you need to know that until you're not satisfied. Don't nod your head don't.

00:23:08--> 00:23:45

And many of us sometimes we say and I'm going to say this because it is definitely something that is affecting a lot of us. Sometimes you have a good child really good Mashallah. And they say that, you know, I want to please you, I'll do whatever you say. So that says right, Mary there and you said, okay, you need to know, the Almighty the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam as well has said, Have you looked at her? So the companions is no I didn't. He says, Go and look at her. Go and see her. Make sure that you look at her because there is something in the eye, which means you might pick up something that you don't like. And you can say no, because you are going to punish someone else's

00:23:45--> 00:23:55

child by not having communicated correctly with them and just nodded your head. And then when you marry say, Oh, no, man, I regret I shouldn't ever have done this panela.

00:23:57--> 00:23:59

So my brothers and sisters,

00:24:00--> 00:24:01

it's important for us.

00:24:03--> 00:24:40

When we want to obey what our parents are saying, and parents are very important. Remember the most important people in your life, your parents, you need to take their guidance, what they are telling you is not revelation from the heavens, they could be making a mistake, remember that but generally out of their love for you, they will be guiding you in the right direction, hopefully, but sometimes they're making a mistake because they don't know what society is all about. If the generation gap is beyond 20 years, I've noticed that before we used to say 40 years, and usually it's beyond 20 years, I mean, I was one of those few who already had children at the age of 20. Mashallah.

00:24:42--> 00:24:45

But not everyone has that SubhanAllah.

00:24:46--> 00:25:00

So, once there's a generation gap, it's difficult. It's very difficult for us to understand each other. And this is why we need communication with our children such that we should allow them to disagree with us so that we can guide them

00:25:02--> 00:25:32

Did you hear what I'm saying? I know there is a lot of disturbance in the front. It's disturbing me too. But it's okay. That's what life is all about right? Mashallah, we get disturbed we enjoy it, we crack a joke about it and then we get back on track inshallah. So, so my brothers and sisters, remember this, Allah subhanho wa Taala is so merciful, we as parents in this day and age should definitely allow our children to disagree with us. And we should engage them in discussion. Because if we don't, we're going to lose them.

00:25:33--> 00:26:13

people cry, tears, I lost my child, I lost my my son, for example, they they no longer want to listen to me, they no longer want to live with me, they whatever else, sometimes they've left the faith, they've done this and that, you know what? Too late? You're trying to develop a relationship. Now, when all these years you had to develop it, and you did not? What's the point of coming to cry now, my parents, the age has changed. You have to be in such communication with your children that when they have a problem, they can tell it to you, your son should be able to come to you and tell you how he's struggling with pornography. I don't think many parents can actually boast that type of

00:26:13--> 00:26:53

a close relationship. I don't think so. That means we are guilty, because then they will turn to others, they will turn to others. We need to have a good relationship respect. Indeed. That's why today, you are my witness, I said the most important people are your parents take their guidance. They mean Well, sometimes out of the difference, perhaps in thinking and understanding the generation, perhaps they might say something that you don't agree with, they might say something wrong, but there needs to be communication. And you need to understand that at the end of the day, these are my folks, these are my parents and dear parents, learn to forgive your children, learn to

00:26:53--> 00:27:18

excuse them, learn to let them make mistakes. Sometimes, I'd rather have a child who's made a mistake and come back from that mistake than have a child whom I tried to impose on, on them an ideal set of living such that they became depressed, and they are now on lifetime medication. And it has happened and it continues to happen. Because of how we treat our children.

00:27:19--> 00:27:27

They are so far from us. But that's the gift that Allah bestowed you with. I always look at those who don't have children. And I say thank Allah.

00:27:29--> 00:27:30

And they say What do you mean?

00:27:33--> 00:27:34

So I say,

00:27:35--> 00:28:06

while we're making dua, that Allah bless you with children, perhaps he has not given you the children in order to save you from what other parents are going through. It's easy to have a little child, initially, the struggling is only with perhaps a few things, as they grow older, certain things happen, it becomes very tricky, it becomes very difficult. You're living in fear what's going to happen to my child, I hope they don't fall into the bad company, or into drugs or into an addiction, or the gangster life, etc.

00:28:08--> 00:28:14

So it's important for us to know that Allah subhanho wa Taala, when he blessed us with children, we need to be hands on.

00:28:16--> 00:28:25

Those who don't have children, for example, I was saying, I tell them, firstly, thank Allah because we have to thank Allah, whatever Allah has bestowed upon us.

00:28:27--> 00:28:28

And secondly, understand

00:28:30--> 00:28:38

that those who do have children sometimes are totally depressed because of what has happened and transpired in their relationship with their own children.

00:28:39--> 00:28:44

May Allah safeguard us in our offspring, and this is the reason why we're here today to discuss this matter.

00:28:45--> 00:28:52

And to be able to hear from you inshallah, we're going to be having three sessions, they're going to be interactive, we want to hear from you.

00:28:54--> 00:28:56

Because we want to be able to speak to one another.

00:28:58--> 00:29:41

And I'm definitely a person who promotes a strong relationship whereby, if your child has a problem, they should be able to tell you listen, that you know what, I have a problem. And I'm struggling with x, y, and Zed. And I definitely need you to help me. If you don't have that relationship, your child is going to seek help from someone who may not be genuine, perhaps their friends, perhaps someone else. Anyway, getting back to the the the choice of a spouse, like I had said at the beginning, initially, when there is an introduction, that was one way of doing things. That was one way of doing things. So panela, the introduction comes in. And it's either Yes, or it's no, you

00:29:41--> 00:30:00

might meet once, you might meet twice. Someone might ask, how many times Am I allowed to meet a person? You can meet them as many times as you want on condition that it is within a framework? What is that framework? You don't just say, right? I need to meet this person love. So let's go out now and we'll go out. We'll spend the evening once, twice.

00:30:00--> 00:30:45

And you know, you've you've already had intimate relations and then you decide not good enough. That's that's not that's not pure, that's not clean, that's not moral, that's not Islamic values, but rather, respectfully you interact with them come to your home, you go to their home, perhaps you know, they will be the broader family, or at least a member or two of Muharram, etc, etc, you know, roundabout nearby, etc, in order to ensure that nothing happens that is not meaning befitting a believer. We don't want the devil to creep in. And then you may speak, you may interact. And remember, the golden rule. My brothers and sisters, I found this a lot with some of those, you know,

00:30:45--> 00:30:52

younger people who interact either at the workplace or at the universities with a person of the opposite sex before you donate your heart to them.

00:30:54--> 00:31:17

Get your folks involved. Before you donate your heart to someone, get your folks involved. What does that mean? Subhanallah Let me explain. You see, the mind and the heart are the most powerful organs that you have. The minute you give someone control of those two, they can damage you destroy you, and really break you to pieces shredded. So be careful. Be very careful.

00:31:19--> 00:31:27

The heart and the mind. You don't give them to anyone besides Allah, Allah should hold that and that's it. If a relationship is within what Allah wants,

00:31:28--> 00:32:02

then inshallah you will be happy within what Allah wants, you can give it. But there are young people at the age of 14 1620, they've donated their hearts to someone, and they know that they're going to have a real uphill struggle with their folks. Rather, before you gave that heart, you should have at least got your folks involved, or you should have had your plan in place. You don't give the heart until you get the marriage done. Because I know of a lot of predators a lot when I say a lot, I mean in their 1000s they will come and say I love you. And at the same time they're saying it to another 20 people.

00:32:04--> 00:32:18

And then they say I love you, I really I adore you, I miss you, etc. And what happens we our emotional selves, we don't get those statements at home. We don't get them at home. So when we hear it for the first time from someone, something happened,

00:32:19--> 00:32:21

you know, Mashallah tabarrok Allah.

00:32:22--> 00:32:55

And you start thinking, wow, wow. And then they say it again. Wow. And then you start pouring your heart out and giving them details about your life. All this is wrong, because you're not supposed to donate all of that before you get your folks involved. So it's a mistake, because now they can hold you a transom completely. You've given them too much detail of your life to let go and they were busy doing it with so many others it has happened and you're busy fighting know the guy is dedicated and you don't know and vice versa. It's happening the other way around as well.

00:32:57--> 00:33:35

So you need to make sure that you don't just fall prey to a statement or to you need to make sure that you don't give too much to someone. Information about yourself your heart your problems, your issues you don't need you need to understand there are some people definitely that do exist on earth who are genuine. Like every one of us seated here right? Because if I were to ask you brothers and sisters who from amongst you a believes he or she is absolutely genuine, put up your hand. I think the whole whole even the people outside on the street will be saying, Yeah, you know, Mashallah, Mashallah. So I don't even want to ask you the question. It's ironic how we all feel were genuine.

00:33:35--> 00:33:46

But in actual fact, if you search your life or your relationships, we are not that genuine. May Allah make me as genuine. As I come out to be Mohammed, I mean,

00:33:47--> 00:34:11

the same with every one of us. May we be genuine you know, you care for someone, you have to care you have to watch your mouth how many of us every other word is a swear word. And we want our relationships and our marriages to work. every other word is a swear word. I promise you not only is the angel writing that but you are missing yourself, your heart your relation with Allah your spirituality,

00:34:12--> 00:34:17

your piety and your physical relations with those around you. They don't like you.

00:34:19--> 00:34:29

And what are you teaching your children when they watch you swear every other word is a swear word. Whatever language it is in. Even in English, I've come across people

00:34:30--> 00:34:44

young people, they want to say how are you and they pepper it with so many swear words that sentence is longer than it was but there are three F's in a two B's in there a few other swear words and whatever and not the bees that give you honey know.

00:34:45--> 00:34:47

Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us is

00:34:49--> 00:34:51

finally there's a bit of light Mashallah

00:34:53--> 00:35:00

and that's what happens you might start off in the dark, but inshallah you know the lights will come on at some stage. You need to keep trying by the

00:35:00--> 00:35:34

Allah subhanho wa Taala This is the beauty of speaking and saying things, your relationships and I haven't broken my relationships with the brothers did you notice that? I gave it to them about the sound about the light and things came right? I'm satisfied with the sound satisfied with the light What else? Mashallah. May Allah bless you guys, may Allah subhanho wa Taala make this small distraction, a means of lesson for every one of us. I mean, and I love you guys, we're loving all the brothers, the sisters, the volunteers, those who have made the time to come today, I'd have loved to meet every one of you. But unfortunately, you know, we're human beings and there's nothing

00:35:34--> 00:35:39

grand about a guy like me, you know, if you really want it's the clock is the clock, you know?

00:35:41--> 00:36:22

May Allah Subhana Allah Allah bless us all. So we have a second issue that needs to be addressed when it comes to the marriages. The one was the introduction made by the parents, I've given you one or two points that I felt were important, there is a lot more to say, but we're not going to be able to cover it. Just in this first session. If someone would like to ask a question, we will be opening the floor for that later on. But the second is, when your child or when you have met someone, your child will come to you and I promise you, I want the parents to listen very attentively. Your child will probably come to you and say

00:36:23--> 00:36:30

you know dad, I said I've been to the university for three years. There is a specific brother

00:36:32--> 00:36:40

now many families the minute the girl says this it's piano literally it's piano it's like the trumpet is be beginning to be blown because

00:36:41--> 00:37:17

you don't know is it the angel blowing the thing? Or is it the Devil May Allah forgive us? But it's like a little piano that happens in the home they start screaming How could you ever how they did I send you to the unit? I know you sent me to the unit to study I've been studying I've been trying my best but I cannot help but to let you know there is a brother Mashallah, you know, he fulfills his Salah. He's really very, very, I haven't even communicated with him, but he's very upright, and I've been noticing, I cannot help but notice, I mean, it's a real life. It's a real world out there. You know? May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us ease nowadays, even if you lower your gaze, you notice

00:37:17--> 00:37:23

things Mashallah. May Allah subhanho wa Taala. Grant us, you know, the good understanding?

00:37:24--> 00:37:26

Wow, I see the lights doubled.

00:37:30--> 00:38:09

Oh, it's called light upon light, by the way. That's right. And in order to appreciate that light, they made it dark for us at the beginning, right? Subhana Allah, but my brothers and sisters, do you see how sometimes you may have met someone, and you go up to your parents and you really want to tell them? Listen, there's a very good option. And your father just says no parents from amongst us here are who will hear this later on. We just say no, I'm not entertaining this not realizing that who you have in mind is worse than the person whom this child of yours is trying to show you. So take a moment to fulfill what Allah has placed on your shoulders.

00:38:10--> 00:38:46

By finding out who it is, and being genuine about it, you really have a problem. Look, I've met them Mashallah lovely brother, I do agree. But I found x, y and Zed. And I really think it's going to be a difficulty hardship. It's not going to be so easy because of what talk to your child convinced them. And on the other hand, we've told the children not to give their hearts before they involve their folks. The problem is when they're trying to involve their folks, the folks are simply not having it. And this is not one case. 1000s of cases literally 1000s I would not be wasting my time speaking about it here. If it wasn't such a big problem.

00:38:48--> 00:39:31

huge issue. And then people come about No, they're not from the same tribe. They're not from the same race. They're not from the same caste. They don't speak the same language. Do you know what? That those statements are? Jaya. helia. Those statements are Jamelia. That means ignorance. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam at that time, the Maha jurien and unsolved they were from totally different places they intermarried. What else? You had companions who came from elsewhere? Some from Africa, some from Europe. What happens? They married. They intermarried. It goes to show laughably rbn Allah jameela Jamil Allah Arabi in LA taqwa. The Hadith says well, Ali Abdullah

00:39:31--> 00:39:59

Abdallah Ashworth, there is no virtue of an Arab over a non Arab or vice versa and no virtue of a white or a black or black or a white except by taqwa the closeness to Allah which is known by Allah alone. So you need to make sure that outwardly the person needs to have two qualities either attackmen carbona de novo wahoo Luca who was a widow who if a proposal has come in your direction from a person whom you are satisfied

00:40:00--> 00:40:14

With their level of Deen, which means their closeness to Allah, their religion, they don't have to be, you know, so pious, but on an acceptable level, perhaps they read their Salah, they're responsible in their relationship with Allah. And secondly,

00:40:16--> 00:40:29

their character and conduct is of an acceptable level. If you have those two and let it happen, and you know what the Hadith says, If you don't, oh, this is my favorite part. Do you know why it's my favorite part?

00:40:31--> 00:41:14

We say it, we repeat it and we see parents do exactly the opposite, and face the same consequences mentioned by the prophets of Salaam and they blame everyone else. So the Hadith says, If good character came to you with decent Deen, now what does good character mean? You need a responsible guy, responsible person. So you have responsibility, Mashallah. They are responsible, and they have been the good character, I can talk to a young man for a few moments, and I can have an idea of how he carries himself. For example, I may not know the details, I could find out, you could go deeper and deeper. And don't just be satisfied that the statement uttered by someone you know what, yeah,

00:41:14--> 00:41:28

this guy is like that. No, sometimes they have ulterior motives. I've known of many cases of people whom the parent asks one of their relatives or brother or sister or someone that, you know, my daughter is interested in this guy.

00:41:30--> 00:41:31

And they say, No, he's on drugs.

00:41:32--> 00:41:50

But you know what he's not. So why did they say that? Because they were eyeing out the same child for their daughter SubhanAllah. Wow. It's a reality. You may not like what I just said, there are some from amongst you who are really, really, in that situation. So panela

00:41:52--> 00:42:15

where people just come and say nasty things. They've said it about me and about you. Anything. They can say, this guy's like this. This guy promotes violence, he hatred. And you know, it's not true. It's absolutely false. But why do they say it because of some weakness they have? You need to help them. The problem is you've just destroyed someone's life by lying. You speak the truth?

00:42:16--> 00:42:51

If you don't know, say, look, I really don't know. And if you know something, you say, Look, I know something. It doesn't mean they're still like that. But I do know, perhaps some time back, this was the issue and the problem. But the difficulty is, as soon as the child raises an issue at home, that you know, I'm interested in someone, close it. Why are we living in a world where we interact with people, you probably have the best child, it doesn't mean that because she has come up or he has come up to you with some suggestion from the school or the workplace that they're already having an affair, it doesn't mean that it doesn't mean that they've started in a haram way. Not necessarily.

00:42:52--> 00:43:07

You have to take it seriously. You have to communicate, you find out and if that person happens to be genuine, if that person no matter who they are, where they come from, if they happen to be genuine, sincere.

00:43:08--> 00:43:33

Guess what, you're going to have an uphill task trying to say no, now, because you have a line is assumed on one side, and you have your ego on the other SubhanAllah. Like I said, you might have had your dream, but you have to adjust it as time passes. Because now something I didn't calculate has just happened, how should I deal with it, we're living in the real world, you're going to have to deal with it by

00:43:34--> 00:43:56

you're going to have to deal with it by facing it. By understanding it. Like I said, look at the guidelines of the dean, and try your best to help your child, my beloved children, definitely take what your parents have to say seriously. And if they don't, if they don't listen to you at all, try again and keep trying.

00:43:57--> 00:44:26

You know, I've gotten myself involved with 1000s of cases for the sake of Allah 1000s of cases where I've communicated with parents, sometimes with the children, sometimes with a third party, and so on. And sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn't help. Sometimes you look like the bad one. And sometimes, really, they appreciate what you've done for them. All of that is on one side, we did it for the sake of Allah, but what I learned is, the way you react

00:44:27--> 00:44:41

will determine the future. So that Hadith and I will end with this where the prophet SAW Selim says, if there is Dean and hulak let it happen. If you don't take confit natten, fill out the facade.

00:44:43--> 00:44:54

There is going to be lots of problems and issues and great facade chaos and corruption on Earth, which means your life is going to be turned upside down.

00:44:55--> 00:44:59

And I promise you, every one of you you would know

00:45:00--> 00:45:26

Examples within your minds. When I say every one of you I mean it. You would know examples within your minds of people whose parents did not entertain something that they had imposed their own ideas on their kids and rejected, for example, their their decent ideas. And what happened, the whole world turned upside down. Why the blame game begins. But that's not what it's all about.

00:45:28--> 00:46:10

No problem is sorted out or solved by blaming people. It doesn't. You need to take responsibility. You need to say, you know what, I'm sorry, what I did was wrong. And I'm not saying that a specific party is wrong. It's different depending on each case. But what definitely is the case whoever is wrong, normally becomes arrogant. They become very arrogant and they become filled with ego. They don't want to admit I was wrong, whether you're a parent or a child, whatever your case is. But that will destroy us learn to clip that ego a little bit, learn to admit, look, I was wrong. And in that way, we will be able to build our relationships in Sharla. We still have a second segment and the

00:46:10--> 00:46:40

third segment of this beautiful light upon light spring, and I pray that we can all benefit from it. I've said as much as I could, but before I go, I sincerely seek forgiveness from the brothers or sisters whoever they were in the background, whom I actually addressed publicly about the sound and the lights, but I think it helps so Allah bless you inshallah. Allah Allah Masha Allah brothers, Mashallah. Mashallah Allah bless you. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.