Mufti Menk – Dealing with Difficulty #14 In-Laws
AI: Summary ©
The speaker advises against negative language and working towards family members' goals, emphasizing the need to work towards one-on-one goals and achieve their uniqueness. They stress the importance of addressing challenges and being charitable, and offer advice on navigating the different generations. The speaker also emphasizes the need to address relationships based on the generation and offers guidance on being a good mother in law.
AI: Summary ©
Assalamu alaikum Warahmatullahi Barakat. Welcome to this episode
of dealing with difficulty.
It's not easy to deal with people who
may not be your family members,
but as we grow older
and we get married, or our children get
married,
we have family members who come in,
who are
new members to the family. We welcome them.
And even prior to welcoming them, we were
showing their family the good side of our
family in order for them to accept the
proposal or to let this marriage happen.
And that good side, unfortunately,
after the marriage is forgotten, because the term
in laws comes in many cultures with a
negative stigma, which is unfair.
These are good people, but we've come in
with a preconceived
idea that these people don't like me.
They they are there to destroy me maybe,
or they are there to make my life
difficult,
and that's not the case. So today we
want to talk of some of the difficulties
and how to deal with them. Number 1,
let's lower our expectations
of one another.
When there is something to be done, let's
try and do it ourselves.
Try not to change things too suddenly
within the home
just because a daughter-in-law came in, or a
little in law came in, be it a
son-in-law or whoever it may be. What we
need to realize is
welcome these people. Welcome whoever they are. Talk
to them. Understand that, you know, this is
the way it's going to be.
Many people don't want to live with an
extended family primarily because expectation
is too high.
That's the main reason that people don't want
to live with extended family.
I don't mind doing things but it doesn't
have to be at your timing and exactly
your way of doing things.
People were brought up differently.
Just like your son was brought up differently,
your daughter in law is also brought up
slightly differently. And sometimes a little bit more,
especially when cultures begin to change and we
have a cross cultural marriage. So to take
this into consideration
is very important.
If we really love our children, and we
really would like
goodness for them, then we should help them
to the best of our abilities. The same
applies to a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law.
Let's never say negative things about our in
laws, even if we're going through a phase
initially
of
the teething issues that require lots of navigation,
lots of patience.
Let's never say negative things because when we
speak to others
and tell
them negative things about our in laws, what
would happen? It would remain, and it would
become a rumor, and it would become an
idea in the hearts and minds of those
whom we spoke to, and they may have
spread it to a larger circle that these
people are bad. And that would be a
terrible seed to sow. When it grows something,
it's going to be a cactus,
a very difficult plant to navigate.
Remember to start with dua.
Pray to Allah. Supplicate to Allah.
Connect with Allah. Ask Allah to soften the
hearts. Ask Allah to grant love and
and goodness
between you and your extended family members, your
in laws, whoever else it may be. Ask
Allah to grant goodness. Many of us
don't have Allah in the equation. We've never
asked Allah, oh Allah soften her heart or
his heart or their hearts. O'Alla bring us
together and help us when we make a
dua. With the dua, we should be working
towards
achieving what we asked Allah for. That's something
many people don't know. When you ask Allah
for something,
you need to work towards
achieving what you are asking Allah that you
want. Because Allah has given you capacity,
energy. Allah has given you ability to a
great degree. And the giver is ultimately Allah.
So ask Allah, then work on the goodness.
There is no room for laziness when it
comes to marriage. You're married.
You're a husband. You're a wife. Don't be
lazy. Get up. Do whatever you have to.
And Insha'Allah, in this way, your sacrifice will
be rewarded by goodness. People appreciating
you in a much bigger way.
Those who
lays around and are very
very easy going, don't want to be told
anything, are the ones who find it difficult
navigating through relationships.
I'm not saying one is right and one
is wrong, but definitely
each one comes at a price.
But if we're going to get up and
we're going to do whatever we have to,
fight the laziness,
build a routine to the best of our
abilities,
then InshaAllah people begin to appreciate us, we
see the light, we get into this beautiful
routine. Some people say I go to the
gym every day for half an hour. Mashallah,
it's amazing. It's a beautiful habit. I would
encourage it, inshallah, by the will of Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. But
that having been said, well, sometimes we sleep
for the rest of the day. Then what
happens?
People start spreading rumor that this person's lazy,
this person sleeps all day and that's not
true. So I've already addressed the issue of
not saying negative things. If there is something
you could suggest, you could present an opinion,
you could advise, but don't impose.
That's one very important factor.
When it comes to the relationship between husband
and wife, inshallah, we'll speak about that in
another episode. But today we want to address
the issue of the in laws.
Like I said, start off with
prayer, lower your expectations,
supplicate to Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,
fight off laziness,
try to have a good understanding and perception,
especially those who are the mothers in law.
Those whom,
someone has come into their home.
We need to make sure we have a
big heart. We need to make sure we
are understanding and easy going. If you're not
easy going,
you will not be liked. People won't want
to communicate with you. They won't want to
talk to you. They won't want to come
to you. They will want to live totally
separate.
The reason is we're so difficult. We're so
tough. We our expectations are so high. We
say so many bad and nasty things about
this particular child to others.
And this is why we we address those
who are mothers in law because
they're older
and they're more set in their ways and
habits. And they do have an expectation
to a degree. May Allah Almighty make it
easy, but that doesn't make them bad.
We just need to know how to navigate
through the different generations.
Each generation has its uniqueness.
It comes with the roles being fulfilled in
a unique way. There was a time perhaps
where,
our fathers and grandfathers
had a system that worked for them. They
fulfilled each other's rights. And beyond the rights,
they fulfilled roles in their own unique way.
Nowadays, you have a working class wife, for
example,
which is not necessarily a bad thing, but
at the same time, you're going to have
to navigate through the challenges of the relationships
based on the uniqueness
of what is going on. And that's not
easy. So what do you expect from this
new generation?
It it's something different. It's something that might
not be in sync with your thinking,
and you have to realize this. Similarly,
for the young ones who've just gotten together
in marriage, or you are a couple living
with your extended family or interacting with them,
you need to learn how to communicate with
them. They are different. Offer them respect and
kindness.
One thing, don't scream and yell and don't
use abusive words.
Don't say nasty things about them behind their
backs to others. All of these things have
negative
effects on your relationship.
So we need to go easy on each
other, say good things,
work hard inshallah, try and offer respect and
kindness.
The worst thing to do is to swear.
The worst thing is to scream and yell
at one another.
That is something that will destroy the relationship.
Let's understand
we're different, we've come from different backgrounds,
we will offer each other some advice, some
opinions, some ideas,
but we will let them navigate through the
challenges of their life, Inshallah in their own
unique way. Similarly,
whether they live with you or they don't
live with you, is something
that should not be an issue.
Many people say, well, you know, I need
someone to look after me and to take
care of me. Well then you need a
caregiver or a helping hand. If
your daughter-in-law does it for you, Alhamdulillah.
You're fortunate, but it's not
a duty.
And therefore we need to make sure we
realize that
we cannot impose that. You cannot look for
someone thinking, I'm looking for a helper. Imagine.
What was that all about? May Allah Almighty
grant us goodness in our relationships. I hope
these few words can help us deal with
some of the difficulties
that we face
in these situations and scenarios.
Remember,
be charitable and charity begins at home. You
say a kind word, say it to those
whom you live with, those who are connected
to those whom you love. Because you love
someone in a different way when they're your
parent, and you love someone in a different
way when they're your spouse.
The fact that your son or your daughter
is fulfilling the rights of his or her
spouse
is something that should make you happy, not
sad. May Allah bless you all.