Maryam Lemu – Ask Me Anything #01
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AI: Transcript ©
Assalamu alaikum This is meriam lemo Live at 8pm. As promised, I will wait a moment as more people hop on so that we get to chat and talk and hang out. I am so excited. Oh, I see z Nasser. Let's see could Lord bourassa please? Hey,
Salaam Alaikum Khadija marfo Here we go. They just all hopping on him. I'm so excited. hamdulillah I've not been live in such a long time. So this is really, really feeling very new for me. I actually fell off the radar for some time, and I was trying to get my mojo back. Alhamdulillah last week was really an eye opener, I had a chance to sit with my husband. And it feels how I describe it to some of my friends. Like he took a toilet bowl cleaner and use the inside my brain to get rid of all the junk and all the crap that I've been keeping in there. It was very cleansing and Alhamdulillah it's just given me I think this feeling of start afresh. I think with obviously a lot
of you know my part my dad passed and I was just stuck like a car stuck in mud. I was moving. I was busy, but I wasn't going anywhere. And so this was really a great opportunity for him to try and start eliminating what are the things bothering you Marian one by one and Alhamdulillah I just feel so good. And I'm so excited. He pushed me He's like, Okay, so what do you want to start with? And I just felt you know what, I'm gonna go live and hang out with my peeps, and have a chance to just feel alive again. So those of you who have shown up in less than one minute we've got 75 people on board already. May Allah bless you. Thank you, everyone, for showing up today. I'm really excited
about this opportunity for us to chat. Yes, I hope you can all hear me. Could you just send a wave if you can hear what I'm saying? Just wave I see a lot of waves already. Okay, cool. You're EMA. Oh three. Thanks for that wave. Maryam. Perhaps I love you too. Thank you, as salaam alaikum O que EA Good to see you girl.
You know I'm a big fan of yours right? I'm so happy you've joined me today. Let's see who we got who we got here. Cool. Gaffey. Ha Mashallah. Oh Mohammed kyrou I'm so glad you made it out in Malaysia this ridiculous hour of the morning. It's good Alhamdulillah it See All right, Mashallah. So many questions like literally my dm, I just thought it was going to crash. And I know, we're not going to even do half justice to the questions that were asked. So I know, we're going to have a lot of sessions in sha Allah where I get to connect and answer as many as I possibly could. For some of the questions I had to get expert from my husband to get a man's perspective. So So it helped me and
I'll be sharing that with you. Insha Allah. Oh, gosh, I see somebody who said I should get a shout out a shout out. All right. I'm Dr. JACK. Hello. Hi. And thank you.
Let's see Halima Shu urim oh three you're all welcome just like human level higher and and into that too. Thank you. Thank you. May Allah bless you all. As much as you oh my gosh, I wonder if it's at the salon was one of my son's Yes, give me a thumbs up Absalon if I'm right. It's so good to see you guys. Alhamdulillah one of my favorite sons my shirt now. Okay, so the questions I'm going to go, I'm diving right into them, because they were just too many questions. Some were heavy duty questions. However, I will try and cover as many as possible. And we may get questions as we go along. So hopefully we will flow and go with the questions that they come. Now I had to write these
things down. So here we go. Why do good women get bad husbands? That was one of the questions however, I added and vice versa, because we've got good men out there who also get terrible wives. So based on the little I know, let me put it that way.
The first thing I believe is that there wasn't enough background checks done. My husband always preaches, investigate, investigate, investigate during the courtship period. So why do women and men get bad spouses? I believe not enough was done during the courtship period to truly get to know this person well. So the background checks were really important. And then the most important is what did
You ignore what what the red flags that you saw that you just chose to look the other way? From? Because you were so head over heels in love that you felt Oh, no, you know what we'll cross that bridge when we get there, or I will fix them after the marriage. Unfortunately, many whose marriages are on the rocks, you find by the time you start peeling the layers to find out what went wrong, what happened? The worst thing is you get to find out that they did see the signs because I often ask Didn't you see a warning sign? Wasn't there a time where you felt uncomfortable about something. And unfortunately, many of us just sweep it under the rug. Because we feel what is involved in
cutting that relationship off is too heavy, sometimes maybe too painful, and an experience they don't want to go through.
Unfortunately, for some, it's actually a different story. I can tell you a story of one of the students from our school who graduated years ago, and during the courtship period, she saw some signs. However, the wedding invitation cards had gone out. And I've shared this story before the wedding invitation cards had gone out. And when she told her mom, she was uncomfortable about this or that
the mother was like, Don't you dare think about cutting this out cutting it off now, like so much has been spent. Do you know who your family is we've invited so and so I mean, everybody who's a somebody is coming for the wedding. And I won't ever forget the day that I flew back from South Africa straight from the airport, I went to the wedding reception, because I wouldn't miss that wedding for the world.
I got there and the bride there she was from a distance looking absolutely stunning. And as she walked over to me, she literally, I can't tell you collapse in my arms, crying like she didn't care about her makeup just smearing down her face. She was crying. And I just knew that day that something was terribly wrong. Unfortunately, within the first day, on the first day of the wedding, he told her he had other girls that she shouldn't think that this wedding means he's going to stop the relationship and all sorts of other things. I asked her when she called out to me because she couldn't run the home that you know, didn't you see the sign? And she said I did. Unfortunately this
was the situation. So
the advice I would give is do your homework, do your background checks, ask others check out their social media pages look at how read about how they think what kind of things they like, because we do present to the world though a different image of ourselves on social media them the reality, however, look everywhere and ask as many people as possible sometimes maybe their best friend may not be truthful with you. But if you dig deep enough, ask family, ask families who know them, you may be able to take some dirt, and then
sometimes wipe good or bad good women are good men end up with bad spouses is they chose to settle you know, because they couldn't find anybody else or they panic, they felt their time was running out and they just wanted to make a decision because this may be the best I can do and they just go ahead and dive into the marriage. Then I want to also this is for the ladies in particular what message are you sending out the reason why I asked that you may be a very good person, but your dressing could attract the wrong kind of guy and you want a certain kind of guy, but what your your vibe is giving the wrong message. What about the company you keep the people who hang around you,
your friends are a reflection of you or what you find acceptable.
So if you are not, you know the same as your friends or you you don't support their lifestyle, just know that people but at the same feather flock together So, people are going to see your friends and assume you are exactly the same. So be very conscious of this and be sensitive about this. So the company you keep and then they they do is declara before entering the relationship because that is so critical. Many of us do is the Hara with our mind already made up that you know this is the one we want to marry I remember I did a study and I was quoting my husband and I was saying to Allah Allah you know so it is the one I want Allah you know he's the one for me please Allah let him be
the one the sign that I see I literally was praying for that I thank Allah that I had wonderful, loving people who were around me who were also helping me with istikhara the correct istikhara don't go into is the istikhara with your mind made up unfortunately you're not going to see any results that you really probably should see or signs you probably will end up ignoring them.
Like my husband always says is you're looking for Mr. Right or miss right but are you right are you
Correct in the first place. So those are questions, you should also ask yourself, the final point on this because I'm not going to kill it. This isn't a lecture, we're just chatting and having fun.
Why do good women and why do good men end up with bad spouses? Sometimes you married the right spouse, however, you ended up neglecting them. Or you took them for granted. You took the relationship for granted. And unfortunately, your spouse got fed up and changed. Either every effort you put in at that point to try and draw their attention to you have them find you attractive was too late because you had lost their heart. So there is a possibility and unfortunately, we get angry about that. And we see as if they're a bad person because they are ignoring us. So sometimes you need to check yourself and see what you do. Let's see somebody said, but I thought Islam doesn't
allow dating or courtship. Islam allows courtship. Unfortunately, these days, this generation use the word dating freely. It's an important word. A lingo used in the west for sleeping with someone you go on a date, you end up in bed, and I really feel quite uncomfortable. When I hear people say dating and I correct them. I was like, no, it's courting.
seeing somebody with the intention of getting married is courting. That's it. So that's why I'm a bit more old fashioned. I prefer to use the word courting. So yes, courting is actually allowed in Islam. It is highly, highly, highly encouraged in Islam. So please, caught, however, caught the right way the halloway. What I mean by that is these days, we find people just driving together with no third party, my father want me during our courtship, he said, Don't ever allow Shay term to be the third in the room. So temptation is really high, you're head over heels in love, you feel this is it. And you might sometimes get into lust, because literally, that's what what's happening. I
mean, Cupid is the shooting his arrows, and you're in love with this person, you believe you'll spend the rest of your life together. And sometimes it starts to get a bit physical. So I always say no touching, no testing, no feeling, no nothing, no, no testing beforehand. And while I'm on that, because I just have a I have a premarital course coming up, and I talked about this in depth. However, I also noticed in our weddings, we do a lot of like pre wedding receptions. And then you see the bride and groom, holding each other dancing together. Now I'm talking from an Islamic perspective, not from any other faiths. So if you're not a Muslim, please don't be offended. I'm
just trying to make sure I carry some people along. There is no physical contact between you and the person you plan to get married and make sure no matter what, that Allah puts his stamp before the marriage, and then of course, inshallah after the marriage, so just wanted to say that now. Next question. I see why are relationships failing? Seriously, we've seen two month marriages, and I've heard of less than ones my husband and I have dealt with. It's just so sad. It's so tragic to see the condition of marriages today the state of our relationship. So I wrote down a few things with regard to that. And first, I think, and my husband shared this with me is lack of preparedness. A
lot of us go into marriage unprepared, ill prepared, we don't have all the right tools. We need to make sure that we are ready for the long haul that we have ready for the marriage. But one thing that is so important,
is you find the premarital counseling is missing. Now, I love what goes on in the Christian faith because the pastor ain't gonna marry you off unless you have done your premarital, like there's a checklist, you know, with the blood groups, your genotype test, as well as the premarital counseling. You've got to do that. And I wish in the Muslim oma, we will standardize this in some countries and I think they'd be Mohamed Kira, you can help me because I know you're on their day in Malaysia. I did some research and I heard that Malaysia has that now as a policy that it has to be done before you get married. So someone is asking me how do we join the premarital class? I will be
sharing that with you when the time comes inshallah so don't worry, it's coming. It is 70 Episode 70 videos that I recorded. It was a labor of love. But I have squeezed everything in me that I can imagine that I believe I have to share with you things I wish I knew before I was married. And things that I've learned after marriage that I wish I had done during the courtship period. So it's coming, however, premarital counseling from the right people.
From the right people, someone was sharing with me, they went with their partner
To beat for a premarital counseling session. And all this gentleman was saying, and I bet in good faith
was how she has to be submissive, how she has to do the cooking, and please her husband. And she said from beginning to end, I dreaded getting married because it just sounded like I was going to be a glorified slave and a glorified FIDE housewife. Like there was no given take, there was no mutual. My husband was just talking to me earlier. And he was saying, you know, he was talking to someone, and he was sharing how if you were actually to go through the rights of women in Islam in marriage compared to that of men, you will know they have more rights, we are protected more, we have more things that come our way than the other way around. However, that's not what is told to us,
especially during premarital counseling, which unfortunately, doesn't happen. Ah, here we go. Mohammed kyrou. Yes, it's true in Malaysia, you have to attend marriage counseling sessions before the Imam approves it. Absolutely. And I just wish we could standardize this and make it universal as part of the law, and then do the genotype test as well, because so many kids are hurting, because nobody asks and does the test beforehand. So premarital counseling from the right person, right. And then, unfortunately, many people don't many young
individuals who are getting married, didn't see the right example in their parents to start with. And unfortunately, that's a tragedy, I shared my story, which many of you have seen on my YouTube channel, Facebook, and so on, where I grew up seeing a beautiful relationship. And I saw my parents in love until my mother passed with their 50th year 50th year of marriage. That example, set the right foundation for me, but like we run a school and I see a lot of children hurting a lot of children damaged because of the dysfunction going on in the homes. So you wonder what do they have as a model of an ideal marriage and ideal relationship? I have a boy who was crying, literally
shedding tears, about how badly his father beats the mother, and how he stumbled across * in his father's laptop. And then you wonder like, What on earth? are we teaching our children? What are they seeing, because it's not what we say to them, it's what they see.
I also remember this boy sharing with me because when they go home on holiday, we always give them books to take home to their parents. And he said on that particular holiday, we gave them two books, ideal Muslim wife, and ideal Muslim husband, two books written by my late mother, a layer haha. And he said he read those two books before he got home. He said he was so disgusted with his father because the father was doing nothing. He wasn't fulfilling any of his obligations to the mom. So unfortunately, that's something we have to be conscious about that many who are wanting to get married, haven't seen the right example. Another thing too, is, sadly, many go into relationships
with baggage with excess baggage, scars and unhealed wounds from things and experiences they went through either they went through or experienced witnessing and then a dysfunctional family. And this has caused them a lot of pain. However, you also have personal trauma they've been through where they have either been through psychological abuse, sexual abuse, some kind of abuse, any kind of physical abuse, and they haven't dealt with that they haven't healed. And unfortunately, this manifests itself in the relationship. So these are things that are really, really important to make sure if you are yet to get married, you have to work on your baggage, you have to shed that load.
There are professional counselors who can help you sometimes you can speak to individuals, because that also lightens your load. There's a girl who came to me recently, again, in our school, and she's been sexually abused over and over by her cousin. And she's was only in JS to when she realized that what he's been doing to her is very, very wrong. She broke down she was having a nervous breakdown. She was having issues beyond what you can imagine and I was like, come let's talk to your mom about this. Let's talk to your parents and she was literally frightened to death at the whole thought of it and I was like but you have to tell somebody. She said I've told you I said no.
You need to speak to a loved one. Well, I II that day I regretted having called her grandmother because I asked her Who will you talk to eventually said my grandma, and we call them at grandma. She came I sat down with her with the girl and I said your granddaughter
wants to tell you this something and she started talking to her. And when she finished talking, the grandmother said, this is the last time you're ever going to speak about this again. She said, Today it's over. Don't ever tell a soul again. And she said, You know what happens if you tell Mama,
Mama is gonna fight with her sister, that is the mother of her cousin. Omar is going to fight with her sister, it's going to cause a family fight. And you will be responsible for this. So you don't want that to happen to you. And you could see this girl saying No, I don't. And oh my god, I my heart broke. I couldn't imagine how much more baggage this girl was carrying.
The grandmother left. And I had to detox her of that whole concept. However, all I could do is what I could do in my circle of influence. I counseled her heavily involved another colleague of mine who is also very good at counseling, and we did our best. She's now ingest to win Allah Al Hamdulillah. I was so happy this term, she wrote me a love letter, expressing how much she feels free and light, having somebody that she was able to trust and confide in and talk about this. And I told her what she needed to do to make sure she does not ever go back to the house because she said during holidays, her mother used to take them there and leave them there. So I told her, all you do is just
say a number and you're not going and ask your mom to call your grandma and ask her why you can't go. Yeah, I know. Alhamdulillah she said everything was sorted out and we continue to pray. And of course, I asked her to continue to take her tears to Allah and ask him to lighten her load and fight her battles for her. Whoever has caused her pain. May Allah guide them and forgive them because forgiveness also helps one lighten the load. So my emphasis is on drop your baggage, you need to let it out. Find a way to make sure you're not carrying a burden that you're not meant to bear because it has a high chance there's a high risk that it will manifest itself in your marriage. And
unfortunately your spouse or your children end up becoming victims of what you may have gone through
then
expectations unrealistic expectations. What did you get married because our topic is why our relationship failed relationships failing. I think expectations is also another reason we talked about premarital *, you know, go not doing premarital, but I think having unrealistic expectations. Many are lost in fantasies of romantic novels and movies and, you know, indian films we watch and whatever else Hollywood and they are percept their image and the image they portray of what marriage is meant to look like. And then of course, on social media, we follow people and we see the image they post for us of what they want us to believe is their ideal marriage. They may be
absolutely miserable, you don't know. But that's the image they want to portray to the world. And that's your fantasy, which you take into the marriage. However, it may not be realistic. So expectations are also another big deal. Then superficial priorities. Unfortunately, we have this superficial lifestyle that we want to lead and we want to outdo the other couple, or you know, compete with others. There is no relationship you can compete with accept yourself to be very honest, just keep working on outdoing your relationship each and every day. If you want your marriage to work, then you fight to make it work. The moment you look outdoors, the moment you look
at the other side of the fence that in your opinion is greener, you that's a recipe for disaster. So be very careful with superficial priorities that you set for yourself for your marriage. And then sadly, we focus so much on that one day.
That one day in our lives instead of the substance needed. The background, the the details, we need to have to prepare for the long haul for the left have been happily ever after. So it's more than glam versus the substance that we focus on. So make sure you do not put as much emphasis on the wedding. And trust me most of weddings today are about your parents trying to show off and outdo the next family or the last wedding. It's all about the bling bling again the superficial. Well I one thing I love that one of my sons said to me is Mama.
I don't want no fancy wedding. I don't want no reception. If we can find a tree by a stream and threw a mat on the floor or fabrics on the floor and we sit down and have a picnic and call the mom and let him do the nigga for us there. That would be perfect. We can all wear jeans. Everybody laid back. No need to put
Fancy makeup and so on. It's like my bride, my wife is not going to make me put on so much makeup that I don't recognize her. And I was like, oh god, I love you for saying that.
So these are all things that we need to keep in mind. And then I think another thing about our culture that has seeped in, and it's made to look as if it's religion today, like we have to that is if the bride is getting married, she sets up everything for the groom. So what on earth is he supposed to be? I mean, to me, I think you're not a man, if your wife has to bring everything who has to do up, you just pay for the rent, or build the house, she takes care of everything. What kind of ridiculous culture have we adopted? I have no idea where this came from when I got married almost 30 years ago, this was not the norm, your father will only take care of your room. That's all. By
the time I came back, like 20 years later, we've adopted this culture that I think is really becoming a burden. And unfortunately, if the bride does everything, She practically owns you. She brings even food items. So what on earth do you bring? Well, what happened to being a responsible, proud husband? I'm sorry, I hope I'm not offending anybody by saying this. But I just find these things to be so ridiculous. To me. This is what causes Rainey. disrespect. Yeah, let me use English disrespect, because it's like, I don't know. Anyway, that's just my opinion. I'm sorry if I've offended anybody.
Another reason why a lot of relationships are failing is we want instant gratification, we're not ready to put in the hours needed to make a marriage work. No marriage runs on autopilot. Unfortunately, a lot of people think you get married. And of course, the misconception that you get married, and half of your ibadah is taken care of Nananana. No, you get married, and you fulfill your obligations to your spouse, and then half of your ibadah is taken care of. So I just needed to clarify that. So you get married, and you think the marriage will just run on autopilot. It doesn't work that way. I learned the hard way. And I've shared this with you folks. In a lot of my videos. I
went in with false expectation, hopeless romantic fantasies about how I thought marriage would be because I saw my parents marriage work. So well, I thought mine would happen the same way. I didn't know the behind the scenes, the work, the effort that they put in to make the marriage work. And that's something Alhamdulillah after about six turbulent years, we were able to start finding our groove, and Alhamdulillah. But I will never say our marriage is running on autopilot. Not for a moment, not for a second, do I ever take our marriage or my husband for granted, we still work we still put in today's Sunday, we weren't going to go out anywhere. But I just loved when I saw my
husband come into my room smelling so fresh wearing the shirt, and his trousers looking so clean. And I was like we could be in our raggedy pajamas spending the whole of Sunday doing nothing. But we make the effort to still look good for one another. So I had to dance for him just to make sure he knew I really appreciated his effort. Oh, did I say that.
So effort, instant gratification. We are in a generation where with a click of a button, we're able to get results instantly. And that instant gratification. And this adrenalin filled supercharged world that we live in, unfortunately, doesn't go in line with how marriages work, we need to work at it, we need to polish it, we need to nurture it. And that's why I always always use the example of marriage is like a garden. And of course, we all want a thriving garden, which means we put a fence around it. And we guard it jealously, we protect it and everything we have planted in it. And we make sure we nurture the soil, we put fertilizer, there's lots of sunlight, water, and we plant
seeds. While we're doing that we remove weeds starting with the weeds within ourselves, our own bad habits. And then we give each other constructive feedback with those weeds of things we don't like that we want to remove. And then we add nutrients by recognizing and acknowledging the good things that our spouse is doing so that they can continue it or improve upon it. So that for me is my two cents when it comes to that. We lack staying power and commitment. That's another big concern as to why relationships are failing. We're not looking long term. Like I said, think forever after. If you go around my house, you will see plaques everywhere, and little posters and reminders and they live
happily ever after. And I'm in this for life. These are things that I tell myself I am now 100
And 10% committed like divorce is not an option. We die together, we perish together. I mean, we're gonna make this thing work, whatever it takes. So that is that. And then let's see perseverance. I mean, that's also in line with the staying power. I think another reason why a lot of marriages are failing is we've let social media take our lives and overtake it, and swallow us and consumers so much that we don't pay attention to our spouse. Many spouses are on their devices, while they're in the same room. They're in the same house and they're communicating with each other. I'm telling you this, because this is the kind of feedback my husband and I get when we counsel couples, you hear my
spouse is locked himself in the room, and he's sending the messages he only comes out to eat, and then he's back on his phone. And, you know, the giving the unseen, more priority over those who matter most those who you would want by your bedside when you lie on your deathbed. So distractions social media, marriages aren't working today, because we dive into this world. And again, it's this voyeurism where we are looking at other people seeing what they're doing, envying them, looking at our spouse, our house, our car, and nothing is good enough for us. And then we start to want more. And we start to find this sense of discontentment and dissatisfaction. So this is something that I
caution. And of course, there's a lot of fitna, because the pop ups the things you didn't solicit that keep coming up on your screen and distract you. So be very careful and learn to be the one in charge of social media, because social media can easily consume you and your family and your children. We see this all the time.
Then, yeah, living like the Joneses wanting to be like others comparison the ground is the grass is greener. However, let me tell you one of the most important reasons, one of the biggest reasons why a lot of marriages don't work today. And that is because we do not fulfill our obligations to our spouse, again, like Muslims, as Muslims, we have rights, and we have responsibilities. And we are going to have to answer to our life we do not fulfill our obligations to our spouse, it's really important that you know your rights, and you know your obligations, because ignorance is not an excuse. And you will answer it to your maker for what you did, or what you didn't do to your spouse.
So read, go on instant gratification, click on that button, and you get the answers. What are the rights? And what are the obligations of a spouse in a marriage? And I think that's all I want to say on that particular topic. I hope I've answered the question. Well, here we go. There's another one. So what if I want to have *? Or with multiple partners before marriage? Doesn't that make me more experienced so that I can satisfy him more?
Interesting question. Now, let me see some of the comments.
Yes, can I post this on my Instagram page in sha Allah, I will definitely do that.
Here we go. Couples refused to attend counseling prior. Absolutely. And it's their loss because it makes a tremendous difference. couples that attend premarital counseling, are 80% more likely to see their marriages work compared to those that don't. And that's really a tragedy. It's very disturbing.
Here we go. Let's see more comments. Wow, thanks a lot. I love the feedback. Awesome. So I'm going to shoot
up and down a bit and see even 15 years ago, it was only the bridegroom, brides room and her kitchen that her parents furnished. I don't know what has happened to us, and who is going to stand up and say, You know what, let's stop. We need our Muslims in the mosque saying Enough is enough. I swear to God, we need to make sure we start talking about it more often let people feel like wimps, if they have to allow their brides to bring the stuff into the home, I know it's one of the things my voice said like my bride is gonna bring a pin into my house. I'm gonna have everything set up. And I love that I don't get why there's no dignity and pride in doing that. Anyway, it's a different
world. So let me answer the question. So what if I have * or I have multiple partners before I get married? Doesn't that make me more experience so that I can satisfy him more?
Well, let's start with this regardless of your faith and I know I have a lot of non Muslim followers here. Regardless whether you're Muslim or non Muslim or a Christian. All our fates say premium.
marital * is forbidden. So let's start with that. It's about our relationship with our maker. However, some people are not God conscious or not God fearing. So let's say that's not the issue. You're not concerned about that. What about the risks?
What about the risks, the health risks to you? The risks of STDs and the high risk that you may get something, especially in this day and age, however, what about the risks to your partner, my husband and I dealt with case where the lady, this lady reached out to us, and she said that her spouse was intimate with her. And then he traveled. However, before he traveled, he gave her a small package. And after he left, she opened the package thinking it was a sweet present or something nice. It was some pills.
What kind of pills? She now called him to ask, what is this? And what did he say? Yeah, it's a pill to treat an STD.
What about the risk that you would be hurting someone, an innocent person who has not been promiscuous, who has not been snooping around, let me use that word. This is so disturbing. However, let's say, forget the risks, right? You're not afraid of God, you're not afraid of the consequences of you catching something or giving your spouse something, then
there is a high risk of comparison. Now, let me share with you what I mean by that high risk of comparison, you've tasted before hand, you felt around, you've tasted. And you know what this feels like, what this tastes like, and then you try somewhere else, even if it's with one partner, before you get married.
Most likely, once you get married to this person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with, you're going to compare, you're going to find that the stunts maybe the bedroom acrobatics, that this one could do this one can't, maybe it will be a question of size, you start to compare the size of this to the size of that one, and you're no longer satisfied. In other words, it will make you discontent. You need to know that if you do something before marriage, because you believe because I'm going answering a question that someone actually asked that it will make you more experienced for your partner, it's not worth the risk, because the cost is very high. The risk with
your maker, your relationship with your maker, the risk of catching something or giving them something and the risk that you will never be satisfied with your spouse because you're always going to compare them if they are not up to or better than what you had before.
Unfortunately, you find that it's hard to be content, and like my husband described it once. It's an ending First, you will never be satisfied, you will always be thirsting for something more. And the chances of someone who has slept around before marriage have continuing after the marriage more than 60%. So the chances of infidelity becomes so much higher. And this does it does not apply to one particular gender. This applies to both. So yes, it doesn't matter who you are, you are most likely going to be looking for Why? Because you've got an ending first. So you got to watch that.
And I am old school like seriously, I am so old school, I'm boring. Because I believe in the courting, I believe in the Shakedown shouldn't be the third in the room, which protects me from the fitting of finding myself in a situation where I'm not satisfied with my husband. So just saying, that's all I gotta say for that.
Another question, but before I go that let me see if there are comments I need to answer.
Okay, we need to talk about * life and marriage. What I would ask you to do is send me a DM or send a message in the comment section after the program, because I've written down a whole bunch of questions, and I'm not even covered 30% of the questions that came through, because those who joined me early like I said, My dm was just bursting with questions so I can only cover so much. Before we finish. Let me see. Oh, we're almost done. All right.
Yes, absolutely. This gentleman, Mohammed kyrou said learn together in experience, as experience is the best teacher and you learn to experience and know what your spouse likes, and what they don't like and you learn together as the magic marriage progresses. Trust me, you will be a professional you will have a PhD in that department. You got nothing to worry about. So don't look for any shortcuts or Expo before the marriage. Trust me on this one. Alright, so somebody is asking how do I know if I'm addicted to social
Media. And what do I do?
The first thing I want to ask you is do you check your phone as the first thing you do when you wake up to see whether there are new posts, any alerts and so on? Then you got a problem. Before you pray before you greet your loved ones. Do you check your phone? Before you do anything else? As you open your eyes? You got a problem? And do you check to see throughout the day, just check at random to see if you have any alerts that have come in that you have missed. Or you go through feeds and stories and statuses to see what's going on. You got a problem? Trust me. You got an addiction?
Do you scroll endlessly? Like with no direction? Like I'm just going through? Just chilling, watching seeing what's happening out there? Problem?
Do you feel you're missing out on something? If you don't check your phone? If you don't check to see what's the discussion? What's the buzz? It's really important that you check yourself Why? Because most likely, you've got a problem. So can you find yourself in a situation where someone says, I'm going to take your device away from you for three days? What's going to happen to you?
If even the thought of one day is going to kill you, the thought of hours away from you is going to destroy your life like everything will come tumbling down. You got a problem? Do you find yourself maybe you're in the middle of prayer and then alert goes off, you hear a notification sign a symbol or sound and you get distracted, your mind starts focusing. And as soon as you finish your prayer, you pick up your phone to see who sent you a message that you got a problem. So you need to work on that now what to do. First you need to know the effects of this addiction because it is consuming your life. I call it just a wasted life because there's so much more you can be doing than following
other people who are going to take you nowhere and watching them living their best life while I'm just a big loser sitting there, admiring them and wishing.
Anyway, that's just my opinion. Again, sorry if I've offended anybody, but do a research. Just click on Google effects of social media addiction and you're gonna see a whole bunch of stuff. And then start living deliberately be more conscious, have goals for yourself, have goals for your life, because you will be so busy being busy with your life and important things you're not going to have any time to be following people who aren't benefiting you. If you look at my phone, some people will say it's utterly boring. All I do is I've got motivational quotes, inspirational quotes, and then people who are inspirational or motivational people whom I admire. I love their message. So I follow
Oprah Jay Shetty, Mufti menk, Omar Suleiman yasir Qadhi, and then inspirational quotes, my peaceful mind peaceful life, stuff like that. And I just get a dose Dose of Inspiration reminders. And for me, that keeps me on track, it reduces my distractions. A lot of people asked me to follow them and reluctantly for some I do, however, have to follow, I just scroll quickly, because I've got a life, right? Anyway, that's just my opinion. Please don't be offended if I'm saying something that you don't like. But I'm just sharing my two cents since you asked me to answer your questions.
And so use social media mode is a tool for learning for growth, for education, than for following people following going to take you nowhere. And that means See, someone said, Here's another topic. Let me see. Here we go. The New School isn't taking us to the right direction. Yeah, I totally agree.
Old School is still the best.
Although in, you know, like, we still talk about the good old days, because every generation will talk about the good old days, except, you know, like our father's generation because they had it so, so beautiful. The Age of Innocence. But today, I worry about how our children will raise their children. When I see how a lot of parents my age have dropped the ball out. They're the ones who are addicted to social media, and a lot of stuff *. I mean, we talk to parents, we talk to people our age, and they're the ones who already have kids that didn't ask to be born, who are having big issues. And you're like, Okay, you can't give what you don't know what you don't have. So
what are you teaching? What example are you setting our kids are not going to do what we say they're going to do what they see. So we need to be very careful and conscious of this. And I love there are some like okay, there's this alum, more so who I just saw following me one of my sons graduated from us.
And these are young, dynamic individuals who've got their life together, who are working towards living their best life and evolving into the best version of themselves. So for the young generation, I am so sorry, on behalf of my generation, for dropping the ball and raising you into what I call the Indonesian generation, who want a quick fiscal fix, who wants a shortcut who want instant gratification gratification? Honestly, May Allah forgive us all for our shortcomings for not doing right by you and doing right by ourselves.
However, we are now responsible, we take responsibility for our lives. That's what Allah wants us to do. So we've been born, let's see our parents messed up. Alright, take Get your act together, take charge of your life and make something out of your life. There are simple guidelines follow the guidelines in the faith of the teachings and examples of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. And whatever your religious teachings are, right, there is the first blueprint why because we're going to go back to our maker. And if we follow those simple guidelines, it's the formula for the best life, in our religious books, we are pushed, to evolve to grow to be best at being the most useful.
That means we have to push ourselves for excellence in everything we do. mediocre is not good enough, managing is not good enough, always do your best, be the best at being the best. work on yourself grow so that you can give the very best to the world. So please, for those of this generation,
please fix the wrongs that we did for you. We may have damaged you, we may have been raised you in dysfunctional homes, we have may not have protected you enough from the different abuses out there. But we ask you to please do better than us. It is every parent's dream and wish that their children will be better than them greater than them. And it is my prayer that you will be the light. If some of us have dropped the ball and just have been carrying candles around or blowing out candles. So be that light be the beacon of hope. And there is an opportunity for you to be better than the previous generations, you have so much more opportunities than we had, you'll have more at your fingertips.
If you can use it for a force for change, positive change, you can change the world I know it sounds so dramatic and shishi Fufu. But we are we see people making changes one person at a time. And it has a domino effect. Because you find individuals who are a ray of light, who are inspiring people all over the world. And that's all it takes. So start with your own circle of influence, you be different, and then shine your light brightly. That's my advice to this generation.
So I will go into the next question. But let me see a few of the comments. I have an addiction. I asked you please share it with me on my dm. In the next session, we'll be talking about addiction to *, and *. That's a big topic. I can't cover it all today. But you're not alone. Whatever addiction even if it's on drugs, you're not alone, I promise you. So we will do our best to make sure we talk about these issues because they're relevant. They're happening. They're real. They're destroying us. They're destroying our families. So let me see, may Allah protect us all mean amen to that?
Sounds like I have a problem. All right, I guess that's the social media and some are saying I have an addiction to my social media. It can be fixed Trust me. So we'll work on that in sha Allah.
Yes, I might actually cover that in my premarital, I cover all addictions, and I share some links to some sites that might be able to help you. So we'll go through that in sha Allah when I share my premarital course coming up. Here we go. Women push their men to the outside world due to pride and this feminism of a thing. Some of this, some take this feminism thing, I think to another level. So absolutely. I got a problem with that word To be honest, because I live believe in living in a world of synergy. My husband does not complete me, but he supports me he uplifts me, as I said when for those who joined us late like, up until last week, I was in a slump I was at one of my lowest of the
low and my husband recognized that he sat me down and taught us he used like a toilet brush. That's how I felt like to clean the crap in my head and help my mind clear up and now hamdulillah I can see the light. I cannot live without him unless Allah calls in or calls him home or tries me one way or another but I'm
We complement each other. So for me, I live in a world where I work with men, and we support each other, we respect each other. And we all have our strengths that we bring to the table. And I believe in synergy, you know, one plus one equals three. My idea your idea brings a third better idea. So sincerely this issue to do with feminism is affecting a lot of men and pushing them away. Yes, I believe in being a strong woman, my husband continued to push me to, like, marry him, you can do it, you got it. And he allows me to change lightbulbs and change tires and do all those things. However, it does not make him less of a man. And it does not make me more like a man. He just lets
me do these things because they are skills for life that I need that he knows, will help me live and thrive whether he's in my life or not. So for me compliment each other and stop flexing muscles. I think everybody was created male and female so that they can get to know one another. So that not so they can fight one another so they can live in peace and harmony together. That's just my honest opinion.
Next question. Somebody said Why are you in a hurry? I
can listen to you for hours. Let me see what time it is. Oh, my goodness, we're almost one hour through. Anyway, I'll stop soon. But let's continue. Thank you. Thank you for your kind words. I mean, our 471 May Allah bless you. May Allah bless you. Let's see here. Yes. Latifah it's social madness.
Okay, love the comments. Love the comments. Oh, I see a good friend. Dr. Good to see you, darling.
All right. Alright, here we go.
respecting other people's religion talk about this. This is another comment that came in my dm. Actually, I think it was in the comment section, respecting other people's religion. For me as a Muslim, this is so simple, because I just look at the example that our Prophet Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam set for us. And you hear of examples of this pagan neighbor he had, who kept throwing trash over the fence into his compound. And he would just pack it up and clean it not say nothing, no fight with her, he would receive a barrage of insults, he would never retaliate. And then one day, he didn't see the trash no more. And he asked after her, and he found out she was ill and he paid
her a visit. And for me,
that means you can live in peace and harmony with someone of another religion. Another example and respecting in particular other religions, that Muslim refugees of persecution were given Shelter by an Abbess, Sydney and Christian King. So imagine Muslim refugees of persecution, they were running for the allies, and they went to a Christian King, who gave them shelter. So for me, it's a message that I have to respect all religions. And then I know of the story where there was a funeral procession, a Jewish funeral procession, and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam stood up as the body was passing him. As the procession was passing, and his companions were asking, Why are you standing up?
He said, I am respecting a body that has a you know, somebody who had died. So for me, these are just all examples that tell me to respect all faiths.
If not, it's a poor representation and a poor image of you who you are and a poor representation of your faith. Whichever faith you are, if you don't respect other faiths, you do not risk you're not representing you're not an ambassador of your faith. And for me using the word ambassador, I know my lord has says, I said, I'm his Khalifa, I'm his ambassador. I'm His representative. And I know my Lord would never disrespect other religions, especially a Harlem Kitab
were prophets were sent to those religions. Let's never forget that. prophets were sent. These are people of Allah with messengers of Allah with messages from our load. So who am I to disrespect? My loads message, and they are unlucky to have they are all people of the book. So for me, that's my two cents contribution to that. That's that question answered. Let's see. All right.
What is the best advice or characteristics of an ideal Muslim woman from childhood to motherhood? This is a long one. I'm so sorry, who ever sent me this question? I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to answer this question another time. So forgive me, and then what do you do when your dad or your parents do not allow inter tribal marriages? The first question is, what is their reason? Is it about the person or is it really only about the
Try because last time I checked, I know it says in the Quran that Allah has created us into nations and tribes so that we may know one another, not so that they will be prejudice against one another. So if this is Allah's injunction for us that he has created us into nations and tribes, so that we may know one another, which means we can marry one another. Of course, as I know you, if I fall in love with you, I marry you these things happen, then definitely what is the reason behind the prejudice? So what do you do when your dad or your parents don't allow into tribal marriages? I think it's important they understand that they are not better than our Creator, who has created
those tribes. He has not given us any superiority. Allah has not put any tribal, any race above any other. So with that in mind, it's almost as if they are doing something against Allah's wishes. I don't mean to offend your parents, or speak ill of them. But literally, this was the question you asked. If you can speak to an aunt or an uncle, someone they respect, a friend of theirs or a community leader or a religious leader, maybe an Imam that they respect, or scholar that they may talk to who would be able to give them the best advice. Next question. Moving along. How do I stop pleasing people and be myself? Oh, gosh, I relate to this so much. I was a Yes girl. I was a Yes
girl so much that I became a doormat. People were just wiping their feet on me let me sip a bit of water.
Excuse me.
People were just wiping their feet all over me because I couldn't say no. Alhamdulillah I've been blessed with strong people in my life. Elia hameau.
A good friend, Nora ODU was one of those who was always saying Why do you have to say yes, when I can tell you're not happy to do it. My husband who had said it more than 100 times before then I didn't listen to him until someone else from outside like, Why do you keep saying yes, but there's no pleasure in it. And so there's no reward, you're doing it, but you're not getting rewarded for it. Because your heart isn't into it. You're not making the right intention. Like my husband says, when you're going to do something where really your heart isn't into it, at least do the in do the right intention. Do it as a sadaqa make the right near. However,
your question is how do I stop pleasing people and be my self, I would say self and self awareness is very, very important. Because if you are self aware, it helps you know yourself better and be more confident with yourself. And it helps you love yourself. So that's important. And it helps you know your strengths and your weaknesses. Because the moment you know your weaknesses and are able to identify them, you most likely do what it takes to break those things and conquer that weakness. Self Awareness is something you can learn. And thank goodness for YouTube and platforms that allow us to learn about it. So I will number one, ask you go on YouTube.
Just type in what's self awareness, learning to master self awareness, things like that. Go on TED Talks again, do a search on YouTube on self awareness. And then read books, listen to audibles audiobooks, and then go on Google and research self awareness. That, to me is the beginning. Because when you become self aware, you start to graduate into self love, right? So self love is number two, you need to stop seeking external validation. Why is this important? Many of us say yes, because we don't want to disappoint others. We don't want them to maybe disconnect from us. We don't want to be ostracized by them, we want to belong. And we just want to make people happy, but not at the cost of
your happiness. So if you love yourself, so you have self love, not being selfish love, not talking about that kind of self love. But if you love yourself, then you will do what makes you happy, honestly makes you happy. So that's another one. And you can also go on YouTube and look under self love, self love, and learn to appreciate yourself your worth, so that people don't take you for granted and exploit you. And sadly, like my husband pointed out before we started the session, sadly, a lot of people who exploited our loved ones, our family, our parents, our siblings and so on. And so it's important that you know, sometimes the nicest in the house is the one who is treated
the worst, who's taken the most advantage of which is so sad. You think because I'm so nice. You treat me well and you want to exploit me. So that's something you need to learn. You have enough self love, self confidence because you have a lot of self awareness. It helps you learn the beautiful word no and
genuinely Be respectful but tell them no and let them know you're No means no. And this applies to children as well. Many parents don't know how to say no. Not to their kids because they don't want their kids being mad at them. We'll talk about parenting another day. So love yourself and love your company so that if they all dump you and abandon you, you're not going to feel bad because you enjoy your own company.
Yes, I think that is all on that topic. And how can I improve myself and make an impact? Here goes another question. And someone said, I hardly Odia Ohm Fatima. I hardly respond to your dm even though I know you have a ton of DMS. Can I have your email? Absolutely. I promise you emails are easier for me.
Maryam [email protected], you can send me an email there. Let me say I am so sorry. Well, I, I do get overwhelmed. Because I wear multiple hats, and I have a full time job. And other side things I do. And I've always promised myself, I'm not going to be a slave to my phone to social media, I'm not going to let it consume me that I'm going to lose myself. I'm not going to let it consume me so much that it dilutes the quality of what I give my loved ones. So that's why Unfortunately, they start to pile up and some go to the bottom. And then I'm not I honestly don't mean to ignore you. But send emails why because my husband also helps me go through my emails. And we talk about this. And
sometimes he responds on my behalf. Sometimes he forwards it to me. He says this is what I suggest. And we often think alike, and then I add my two cents and then send it off to you. So I would advise you to please send me an email. I am so so so sorry about that.
Somebody said many scholars have ethnic prejudices. Absolutely. And that is the tragedy. Isn't that the hypocrisy? Like you know the religion or are supposed to know the religion and be exemplary models of the faith more than even us laymen? Well, I'm a layman. So What I don't get is why they have this prejudice. It's really sad. The worst place I received prejudice I went through prejudice in my life, was when I went for my first touch. I've only been 401. So that experience a lie among God, forgive me. I say Dhamma is just one I was supposed to do. I've done my one. But I won't lie to you. I was traumatized by that experience because of the level of racism that I experience. It was
so horrible. Anyway, that's another story. Okay.
Let's see here. What else do we have? Mohammed kyrou. I am funny, okay.
If a guy's father says he would not allow his son to marry a girl because her father commit Zina, but she's a good girl. Can they decide to go ahead and see what did you say? If a guy's father says he will not allow his son to marry a girl because her father commits sinner, but she's a good girl, can they decide to go ahead, I would ask you to do your research, know a lot about the family and the kind of family you're marrying. Because you know, it's a package. It's not just isolated, the person may be a good person. And if they have the ability, let me use my husband as an example. When he married me, he told his family, he's marrying me. And I'm not marrying them and marrying him. And
nobody can Poconos in our relationship. So he put a fence around the relationship. And he made sure I did the same with my family. So they respect boundaries. So there was no book losing no interfering, nobody could come and infect our relationship, when it came to our family, our loved ones, and everybody knew their boundaries and where not to cross. If you are able to set those boundaries with your spouse, sorry with your family, and they will respect your boundaries, and you do your istikhara and you marry that person because of their good character. And you have other loved ones supporting you. Do your str And may Allah guide you to make the right decisions. I think
you know where I'm headed.
That scholars need to start talking about parents role in raising issues of wedding ceremonies and culture. Absolutely. Absolutely.
Okay. Oh kyuki A who wrote that? Okay. Yes, here we go. Right. The next question, how can I improve myself and make an impact? The first advice I will give you is focus on your self development, your personal growth, your own capacity building, learn skills that are relevant and in line with the thing you are passionate about. The thing you want to do because you obviously can't do everything, but you can do a lot. So focus on that.
And building yourself like you may need to develop skills, public speaking skills, organizational skills, money management skills. So financial literacy, whatever it is, that will help you improve yourself so you can make an impact. So, develop your skills, do research, what do I need to be the best in this thing I want to do and start working on it. So you got to do your homework first, build yourself from within.
Then social skills, that's an important skill. No matter who you are, no matter what you do develop social intelligence, emotional intelligence, EQ, just go on. Go on YouTube, go on Google and just check EQ, every human being needs that interpersonal skills, whatever profession, whatever field, whatever kind of an impact you want to make in the world, you need those qualities, then read a lot, watch, and listen as much as you can. And never forget this acronym ke y. The key to life, the key to life is keep educating yourself. Never be stagnant, never stopped with your education and never stop where your teacher stops. Go beyond the classroom. So that you have extra to offer. So to for
me, that's the best advice I can give you. And I love this quote that I came across that said, if you're the smartest in the room, you're in the wrong room. So if you're with your friends, and you happen to be the smartest in the room, trust me, you're in the wrong room, you need to move around the people who know so much more so that you can learn from them be inspired by them. So that's another advice I will give you on how to improve yourself and make an impact. And then
think about what you're concerned about. If you want to make an impact. There are many areas but what are you most concerned about? And what is the area that has the most need, fulfill a void? See what you're worried or concerned about? And do they need that service you have to offer then develop fine tune yourself, make sure you're not average, you're not just mediocre, not just manage, manage, you have to be the best at being the best. So push yourself. You don't have to be the best. But be the best at being the best pushing yourself. excellence in everything you do. Let that be your focus. Let that be your anthem, let that be your mantra. And like me, I can give you an example.
What am I passionate about? premarital. And marriage. I know how important premarital is, which is why a lot of marriages are not working. So I'm passionate about that. But I'm also passionate about seeing marriages work. So I focus on sharing my worst mistakes, my stupidest mistakes, and my best practices, and the fun things we do to spice up our marriage, of course, and the premarital, and I'm passionate about helping people find the purpose and direction and meaning to their existence. So I'm into sharing life skills, and you know, helping people live their best life and evolve into the best version of themselves. So do your research and be very proficient at it. And don't wait. If
you're in secondary school right now and you're listening. Don't wait till you graduate. Don't wait till you graduate before you become that person. Before you do that thing you're passionate about. Don't wait till you graduate. This is one thing I learned from my youngest son. He's in university now. But he said, If I could have started in secondary school, what I'm doing now Oh my god, he is into motivational speaking and so on. But he used to spend hours on video games and he said, My God, what a wasted life. He said I think of the hours I played video games. And if I could have been reading these books, today, he eats books. He's so hungry for books, he said he wishes there will be
a library in journals like you will have anything you want in general insha Allah, but read, keep growing, keep developing yourself and don't wait always have this hunger to grow and learn, change so much. Listen to this change so much that your friends will have to be reintroduced to you. Why because they're not going to recognize you. And at that time, you can be selective because some may not be able to keep up with you. You are no longer in the same league intellectually, or based on your vision based on your purpose, but that's good. You don't want people who weigh you down or they're not going anywhere and they're going to slow you down and they're going to try and
discourage and stop you. So develop a thick skin because on this journey of personal evolution, to achieve your best self and live your best life. You need to develop a thick skin and be ready for negativity, be ready for disappointments and be ready that you will fail. Now ever see failure as a challenge as an opportunity to learn and grow and make sure you don't make the same mistakes again, and then hold on tight to Allah allow us rope through that journey. Hold on tight to Allah Israel. Now. I see I have gone one
Our 14 minutes. Let me just get a survey from people and see if I should continue for just another 30 minutes till 830 or have you had enough we should stop now and then continue another day?
How can we find Oh, somebody is asking t m. t Malik 22? How can we find good brothers? For our sisters to marry many sisters are struggling. Meeting good brothers. Oh my goodness. I do cover that in my premarital course. I share links on sites. Yes, this modern time we are living in if you can't get somebody through word of mouth through referrals, which is the best way to find a spouse. best best number one way to find a spouse is through referrals through word of mouth, from good people, people you respect people who come from respectable homes. That's what I'm talking about. If you can't Alhamdulillah you can attend and be part of groups or organizations where you are able to find
people who offer matchmaking services, let me put it that way. Or you may have something in common. I know a friend who met her spouse because the they were part of a book club. So there are places where people who share similar interests with you hang out. But there can be organizations that offer such services. And modern day luxuries include online matchmaking services, and there are Hello matchmaking services that you may be willing to try. And I have a friend who's found his spouse to be in Sharla on that site, and another couple, my husband and I did their premarital counseling and just before they got married, they asked us to do another premier final final just
before final words of advice. And they met again, on an online matchmaking service much most match is the most popular. However, there are a bazillion others do your research, check the rating, check the comments, some are not successful. However, I just love the fact that they are Hello, because you are allowed to have a word leave with you while you're having communication. So there's no inappropriate kind of communication going on between you and that person.
Okay.
How do we become better at public speaking, you can go on YouTube, best school in the world. And it costs hardly more than the data you will consume. Yes, you can go on YouTube, you can watch TED Talks. And you can go on Google and read books. TED talks have a book. In fact, I love TED Talk books because you get hacks on what the best TED Talk speakers do to captivate their audience and so on. So what I would suggest is check out TED Talks, try and see if you can find the book online by Ted Talks. Otherwise, there are many other tips on Google that will give you advice on how to be a good effective speaker. But there's nothing better than then practice and ask for feedback, practice
and ask for feedback. every opportunity you get. Just do it. Alright, here we go. So let me see. Did I get a thumbs up that people want me to continue?
I got a thumbs up plenty. Oh, please continue. Continue. Continue. Okay. We shall continue in sha Allah, I think I've seen enough.
Is it a paid course? Yes, it is. I put in a lot of hours and it cost a lot of money to, to call this guy to record 70 episodes of me. So yes, but inshallah, if I'm not the one who's going to set the price. Actually, I'm doing it through another company. So they are the ones to tell us what it will cost. Alright, continue, please, we shall continue.
Somebody is asking for my email. Again, it is Marian [email protected]. So let's continue.
This is a divorcee Who said I recently started working with the government, and also started my own business. I have ambition to make my business standard and really, really be good at my job. Before I re marry. Her problem is her parents are putting pressure on her and giving her a timeline to get married. How do I do it without disrespecting them?
Interesting question.
The key is, are they putting pressure on you for the wrong reasons? are they putting pressure on you to marry the wrong person? That's one question I would like to know more about. So this could mean you know that we should have a more private discussion where I may be able to hit the nail on the head. So are they putting pressure on you to marry the wrong guy? Is that why you don't want to get married now because if you are
running a business already, and you have just gotten a job with the government, you that doesn't stop you from getting married. Now during the courtship period. You can discuss this this gives you an opportunity before you get married, to talk to your spouse to be about
The fact that you are doing this and you want to make sure that nothing is going to be jeopardized after the marriage that you want to continue this. And my husband added something just before we started, when I read this question to him, he said, you know, you can actually make sure that during the nikka when everybody sees and you have a gazillion witnesses there, that when he is you, he's asking the gentleman about you your hand in marriage, then do you agree that she will continue working and this and that, and I love that, because you can do those things, you can improvise this freestyle, I've seen all sorts of wedding receptions because you can freestyle and make sure that
it's added why because this is a contract in the eyes of Allah in the with witnesses. So that's something you can make sure you take care of beforehand. So that premarital is actually eight let that not be something a hindrance to you getting married. And then I was also thinking if the right man comes, don't put your life on hold. Because you've got your personal things you want to do. Like me, I my life Caden, my whole world came alive after I got married, though I got married at a very young age, but like it's my husband's support, and push that's making me do what I'm doing today. So
go if the right guy is there, go for it. All right, go for it. Now, let me see. What else did I want to advise you?
Uh huh. And also as a divorce See,
your parents actually don't have a say in who you remarry. And we just mentioned that you can ask what scholar ask scholars about this, but based on the little I know, I mean, obviously, they can force you to marry anybody, not even if that's your first marriage, but they don't have a say they are meant to welcome you back home and give you shelter, and not be too eager to kick you out. However, they may know that, you know, it's like if the right guy is there go What are you waiting for? So that's just one thing I want to say about that.
Then there is a big question that I postponed. It was actually the first question, but let me see what it says here. A Salaam Alaikum. I want to get married now. But my mum and dad are separated. That is a Muslim, a mum's
Mum, their family, Christians. I think if I understand your feeling, they don't talk to each other. Now, what will I do? What will you do? I would say?
I mean, they may not talk to each other, but you are their child and parenting is for life. So I would say talk to both and make sure you get their blessings. If you can. Excuse me, let me take a sip of water.
Thank you.
Yeah, you haven't said you are not talking to them, but they are not talking to each other. So you talk to each parent and ask for their blessings, and do your istikhara make sure you're making the right choice. And may Allah make it easy. I hope it's that easy. For you.
Alright, so here is the question. Any advice for a woman whose hubby takes a second wife on short notice? Without signs of something wrong? Hmm, big question. I think so many women are like, Hey, I been there done that. Yes, any advice for women whose husbands take on a second wife without notice? I have a dear friend who found out through her friend who sent her Facebook picture that her husband had gotten married a week earlier. Sometimes if you look at your own situation, you might say, it might have been worse. Mine wasn't that bad. I mean, I just couldn't imagine what that would be like.
The first thing to note, whether it's with when everything seems okay, and they just see me want to marry a second, second wife, or third or fourth? Or you just find out and they never even gave you that notice. Of course, we have to recognize that it's permissible, right? We're not going to challenge Allah. Now what their motive is that's between them and Allah. Because I know a lot of people go into polygamy today for the wrong reasons. And that's the tragedy, but that is their, that is for them. Most important thing is your circle of influence, what you can do not your circle of concern, their relationship with their maker, their motives for getting married. A lot of people
will say, you know, it's for the intimacy to have somebody use the word to have a different flavor every night. That's not why we go into polygamy. That's not why polygamy was prescribed for us. So that's a topic for a different discussion. today. It's about advice for women whose husband take a second wife, I'll go second, third or fourth. And with or no note on short notice or
When everything seemed Okay, they just suddenly take on another wife. In addition to it's permissible, I want to advise you don't change who you are. Because of that. It is painful, it can be very devastating, it can be very shattering. Somebody recently who was talking to me was saying, it felt like the world was crumbling around me, like my whole world came tumbling down, especially because what she thought was that they had a perfect relationship. And they'd been married for many years. And then he said, he was gonna bring in another wife, and she just felt totally, like, insecure, she felt his self esteem had just shattered, and so on. So, don't change your brand, your
good qualities, what your spouse knows you for, because they are bringing in another wife, maintain dignity throughout this process, throughout this period, and just know that this is most likely for life, this person is going to be part of your family, and they lived happily ever after. You need to have the right mindset. And don't draw the children into the battle. It is not their fight, don't make your children resent their father because he marries another wife. I remember how beautifully one of my friends broke the news to her children, that her husband was going to bring in another wife, however, they are going to have more siblings and their family is going to be bigger. And she
just the kids were quite young. And she just painted this beautiful picture of a big happy family. And they're going to be having family meetings, and this and that. So it's all about your attitude, your level of maturity, your mindset, and the dignity with which you hold and can conduct yourself. So don't draw kids into the battlefield we have seen and many might relate to this, where mothers turn the children against the Father, and the new wife that comes in or the new wives that come in, and they're going to be dead and gone. And they're gonna leave a huge mess. dysfunctional children or kids that hate one another. Trust me, this is something you want to be very careful about. And
then ignore small talk, ignore petty gossip that goes on. And that's the devil at work, people are going to come and tell you Oh, do you know she did this or she did that. Don't allow yourself to stoop down to listening to petty talk and gossip. reduce the volume that is so important. And then be the tie that buy in sometimes it's hard because the other person has bad manners, and is not working on trying to be respectful, and is not interested in peace. That becomes very hard. And sometimes you just do your thing, let them do their thing. But don't compound issues. Don't try and show off pictures or try and compete with them. In. In the Northeast, there is a word in house a
culture that's called Kishi, which means jealousy if I'm not mistaken, and Keyshia is like your rival. You know, the one who comes in
that there's jealousy between you, I find that what to not be constructive not be helpful. I know some of you have seen this show on DSTV, called Sister Wives. And in that show what what I found so interesting was that the wives help the husband select the go through the whole process of selecting who's going to come and join their family. Unlike that is ideal. That's how it's supposed to be you know, that we are becoming a bigger family. And we're working together, there's synergy, there's harmony, and it's less likely there would be rivalry, because I was in this whole thing from the beginning. And from the onset, you said you were gonna do this. So it's just something I thought was
really nice. And I love the term sister wife, because it just makes things you know, easier to handle that this is a sister coming in, to add value, not take my husband away or steal him from me, that's just my thought. Anyway, I've not been through it. So forgive me if I seem insensitive, or if I have this superficial fantasy about how it should be. But I know a little bit about the faith and how we are supposed to do it. And we're not meant to make the spouse feel small, or that they are no longer, you know, the fairest of them all. They're not supposed to be broken. They're not supposed to feel terrible. When it comes to polygamy that I know for sure. Because I watched it in my family
and how my father related with my mum and my stepmom may Allah be pleased with all of them. May Allah forgive all of them. However, I really saw him making a conscious effort to be just to all of them. And we were able to go It was something we looked forward to when we would go and stay with my stepmom especially when my dad traveled with my mum. We would go and stay at my stepmoms house and she pampered us and took
Very good care of us. And they Allah bless her but for me
and my half brother, may Allah have mercy on him, he passed away. But it was like he was raised by my mum. When she traveled, she took him along. When we went on holidays to overseas, my mum would bring him along with us. So for me, that's what I saw. It was there was a lot of peace of my mom and my stepmom got along so well, until she passed. my stepmom always said that Ayesha has always been kind to her, and they never had conflict. So for me, that's how I grew up. That's what I saw in polygamy. And I believe it's about intention. It's about being conscious and deliberate, and making an effort. And if everybody goes in, the person coming in, doesn't act like you know, I am the
fairest of them all. And I will show you the pictures I took with your husband. And this and that. I mean, let nobody come in with fitna, this is not what it's meant to be, be like, that's not what it's supposed to be. Anyway, that's just alright. The thing about polygamy, if I may add for the men is, of course, we talked earlier about you have to fulfill your right your obligations to your spouse, you have rights and obligations, you have to fulfill your obligations to one spouse, however, you go into polygamy, you have to fulfill those same obligations times two, or three or four. Not it reduces when you add, no, they have full obligations. And those full rights and
obligations are justice, equity, respect, love, intimacy, I mean, those things have to still be done fairly, and equally and justly.
So it's a lot more responsibility.
Excuse me.
But don't beat yourself up. This is hard to say, What did I do wrong? It's all my fault. Or what happened, excuse me.
Don't beat yourself up. However,
I still say check yourself, because in some cases, you chased him away. In some cases, you stopped working on yourself, or you develop certain habits that turned him off. There are some cases so it's not in blue, in black and white. But make sure you don't beat yourself up when your spouse says they're going to go into polygamy, especially when you know you've done everything right. However, check yourself in case you're the one who pushed him away.
And then keep making yourself a better person, like my husband said, don't just stop there and say, Oh, it's not worth it anymore. continue to grow, continue to improve yourself, and in his words, rise above the politics of polygamy. So I have gone through the questions I was planning to cover today. And I see my time is up. However, next time, we will be talking about a lot of questions that came to do with infidelity, homosexuality, * in marriage, and mothers and daughters. Let me just see last comments before I go.
Looking forward to your matchmaking forum. Oh, I would love to go into that. But that's a big monster in itself of need to be someday, because I talked about it with my husband. I was like, you know, I actually had a job when I was living in the States, which was a matchmaking service that I worked for. However, it wasn't an Islamic matchmaking service, but it was a matchmaking service with people who were intending to get married. Let me put it that way. And I got a lot of experience then and hamdulillah I got people who might put together that got married. But I get very scared because I see the kind of people out there today who are getting married for the wrong reasons. But because
our focus and energy right now is on the premarital, and making the marriage work. For now I'm gonna take on what I can chew. And not more than that. But May Allah bless you. Who knows what could happen, it may still work out.
I know you will be diligent in screening. That's right.
All right. Let's see what do you advise my friend who is in her late 30s divorced with no kids. She has met several unsuitable brothers and is now thinking to remain single.
and accept companionship of friends and family. Be single and hopeful. Don't stop working on yourself. Don't stop improving yourself. Don't stop growing. Don't put your life on hold thinking, you know, happily ever after is after marriage. So continue to live if you want to go on that destination that you said, Oh, it's when I get married. I'll do that with my spouse do it. Don't wait. Do it with your friends. However, don't stop searching. Because this has been prescribed for us from our Lord for a reason. So continue to stay single and hopeful and don't settle till the right one comes and continue to pray. Search in the right places. Insha Allah, Allah Allah will show
her the one he created just
For her in the right time, because a lot of time is the best. So that's what I would say about that.
What's the course about please? It is premarital. It is a 70 episode, video course that I've created with tips that I have to share on everything I could think of related to what you need to know before you get married. So I hope it helps a lot of people.
All right.
When am I going live again?
Maybe we'll schedule next weekend. Or I would say look out for the poster because I do have a couple of events I've accepted. So look out for the poster on my page, and inshallah I will let you know in good time once I fixed the date.
Here we go. What's your view on living together under the same roof?
What's your view of living together under the same roof before marriage? Absolutely not. I hope that's not what you meant. When you if you mean in polygamy, I highly, highly discourage it. It takes a lot of work and a lot of people who have a lot of faith, a lot of self confidence to cope, it causes a lot of friction. If I may advise, just try not to. It causes a lot of trouble for men. Have mercy and make sure you don't keep them together. Let me put it that way. How do you heal a broken heart? I think Allah is the best healer and take your tears to him. And then move on. Continue to learn continue to grow, learn new things. I always believe in new learning because it's
a big distraction. But learn to let go. Otherwise, you're going to be on around about with no exit. If you allow yourself to dwell in sorrow or self pity, and feel sorry for yourself you're going to get in you could spiral into depression which could destroy you. And that's a problem that you it's a monster you don't want to ever face. So take your tears to Allah and ask him to lighten your load and put light in your heart and bring you happiness and peace of mind. Just take your tears to Allah. Alright, I think I gotta say goodbye.
I really enjoyed the conversation and so did I may Allah bless you.
Yes, so goodbye from me to Zack Millau hiren for attending, thank you so much. I will see you next weekend. Insha Allah if all goes well, to make more live streams. I will try and do that. Yes, sir. Iman Have a wonderful evening, just qumulo hieronder Allah bless you all Salaam Alaikum. And over an out from me