Maryam Amir – Hating yourself and your relationship Islam
AI: Summary ©
The segment discusses the importance of praying for oneself and others, affirming one's spiritual and religious identity, and finding one's own success in life. The segment also touches on the cycle of anxiety and suicidal thoughts when faced with difficult situations and the importance of belief in Islam, including the holy spirit, which is the source of spiritual energy. The segment also touches on the importance of rewiring one's actions and finding one's own success in life.
AI: Summary ©
With Islam, we're gonna have a conversation about how to heal and
rewire our spiritual relationship with Islam, and how to implement
those changes into better habits. For after Ramadan,
Salah, Adan, all over Tiktok. There is a phrase that is often
under a video where there is a believer, a Muslim who is trying
to do something good, but who may be in the video of doing something
that other Muslims are trying to also call out. So, for example, a
Muslim woman who doesn't typically wear hijab is doing a get ready
with me so that she wears hijab and goes to the message, there is
a viral video of a woman who doesn't wear hijab on a plane, and
in the next clip, it transitions to her in front of the cab, but
wearing hijab. And all the comments, so many comments are,
are you actually Christian? Are you being a hypocrite, wiring even
a song, and most especially, even the Champon is confused. Even
Satan is confused, even Champon is confused. When we see that phrase,
and then we see so many people say that phrase, some people laugh it
off. But what does it feel like to be the individual who is working
on developing a relationship with her Creator, and in the process,
being told that she confuses Satan. If Satan was confused, it
was, it would be because he's actively trying to take every
single one of us away from God, and yet we still keep trying. And
the time of the Prophet, peace be upon him. There was a man who
would drink alcohol, companion of the Prophet, sallAllahu alayhi,
was sent them. And there are certain conditions in which this
requires a public response. And so there was a public response to
that. And the companion started cursing him. They cursed him. And
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam ended a number of
different narrations. Responded in different ways. One, the Prophet,
peace be upon him. Said, do not aid Satan against your brother.
And another narration, he affirmed how much this companion love Allah
and His messenger. In another narration, the companion started
making dua against him, and the Prophet, sallAllahu, alayhi
wasallam stopped them and instead said, ordered, commanded that they
make dua for him, this interaction is one which the Prophet salallahu
alayhi wa sallam has established for those of us who are navigating
what it means to have a spiritual a religious identity, and a place
where, often we're Not necessarily encouraged to seek it, or
especially when we've gone through some sort of trauma, when we look
at a person who prays, a young man who prays all day and all night,
and he's always in the masjid, and he's giving charity, and he is
constantly reciting of Quran, and yet he came from a family that
encouraged this, who was very healthy in their relationships,
who modeled what that relationship with God and the masjid looked
like from a place of care and nurturing and love and hope, we
might all say, mashallah, what an incredible brother, and that is
true, masha Allah. But what about the brother who comes to Salah and
he can just do his obligations. Every time he comes to stand and
pray, he begins to shake with anxiety. He has to fight himself
internally to just pray in the first place. And yes, it could be
because of laziness, and yes, it could be because of being busy,
but for this brother, it's because he's gone through something that
makes praying so hard because the way he was taught about Allah's
panawata was one that was so filled with pain that it took,
it's taken years to navigate what having a relationship with Allah
actually looks like.
Is this the person who people on the outside are going to say
mashallah brother?
Perhaps not, because they don't know what he's gone through. But
what do you think Allah sees
when both of them come to him and when Allah knows the realities of
what both have experienced? Sometimes because of community
messages, we may not always feel like we deserve to have space with
Allah, but Asmaa binturo may throw the Allahu anha, who was one of
the first believers to accept Islam, she made, she made Hijrah
from Mecca to Abyssinia, and years later, she made Hijrah again, from
Abyssinia to Medina. In Medina, the companions had already been
there for around seven years. They had gone from Mecca to Medina for
some time. So almaram, he sees her now. AMR is promised paradise.
Amar is a man who shaytaan runs away from. Almara is one of the
best examples of our ummah. And when he recognizes who Asmaa is,
his statement to her, is we God?
Here first, we have more of a right to the Prophet sallallahu,
alayhi, wasallam than you do. This narration is in Sahih al Bukhari
Asmaa all the Allahu. Anha could have said, You are a man promised
paradise. I have nothing to say in comparison to that, you are right.
You do have more of a space. She could have responded by saying
that this man is the one who revelation has affirmed so I have
no right to respond in any way out of the status of whom she's
speaking to, out of the even the physical status this man was
enormous. Was physically huge. She could have been afraid or shied
away, but instead, she spoke to him about why she was angry that
they were far away from the Prophet sallallahu alayhi said
wala Aman and the Companions who were with him had the privilege of
being with the Prophet, peace be upon him, as he mentored them, as
he supported their community. And so Asmaa said that she's going to
go to the Prophet, peace be upon him and tell it like it is, tell
him exactly what Amal RadiAllahu, Anhu said, and when she did, the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi, he was sent him responded by saying that
Amar and his companions do not have
the Prophet. Omar and his companions do not have more of a
right to the Prophet PC upon him than Asmaa and her companions.
Asmaa and were companions those who came on the ship, they made
Hijrah twice, and they get double that reward. And so when Abu Musan
Asha Adi was a famous campaign of the Prophet, saw who was on that
ship with Asmaa and the community of believers who came with them
heard this, they were so overjoyed that they kept coming to her,
asking her to repeat the narration over and over and over again, by
speaking her, her, her, by affirming that she deserved to be
a part of this space as much as the believers that came first. She
gave a she gave a very strong voice to a a community of
believers who came later into an established community. So whether
you are someone who is a convert and coming in you, or whether you
are someone who's gone through trauma and you're now trying to
navigate what that looks like in your relationship with Allah,
whether you are someone who has gone through things that people
may say, Oh, you have a past like, what are you doing here? And they
may look at you in a certain way, whatever your background is,
remember the words of Asmaa Aldi Allahu, anha, that you have a
right. You don't just have a right. This isn't, this isn't just
a right to be here, but that this is and God given right, that this
is the Prophet sallallahu. So affirmation that anyone who seeks
Allah, the Allah says that over and over again, anyone who turns
to him that he accepts their repentance, he accepts that
they're turning to him. And sometimes, when we're talking
about something like repentance, we make it sound like you've done
something wrong, and you need to be asking for forgiveness, which
all of us do, of course. But also, what about when you have been
wrong? When we're looking at, for example, who Allah is in our
lives, we sometimes have internal conversations about who Allah is
based on the fact that we've heard certain things about who Allah is
to justify emotional manipulation or spiritual abuse. I had a young
man approached me after a lecture, and he asked me, should I still
prive because my mom tells me that I'm gonna go to * anyway,
because I don't listen to what she wants me to do. That parenting
tool of weaponizing * or Allah subhanaw taala or Islam as a
technique to control a child's actions, behavior, decisions in
life
is going to impact the trust or the mistrust that they develop
towards Islam and towards our Creator. Consider a young man who
told me that he had been sexually abused. Now, if you have gone
through sexual abuse, especially as a child, especially in the
space of religion, let's say a Quran teacher. And when this takes
place, and you do tell your parents, and you are told to hide
the sins of the Quran teacher, to not tell anyone, and that doesn't
impact the Quran teacher in any way, but it does impact you for
the rest of your life. What message does that give for someone
who's trying to navigate the relationship with Allah, when in
that relationship, they are being told that their abuse isn't is it
doesn't even matter, especially because it's in the space of
Quran, one person who responded to an individual who went through
this said, Allah always wants things to happen for a reason.
This happened for a reason that Allah knows. It's a wisdom from
Him. And so the young man responded, did Allah want me to
get sexually abused? Another friend that another sister, a
sister who spoke with me, she told me that she had gone through a
very difficult time of depression. She questioned whether or.
She should continue to stay alive. In the hospital, they told her she
was not allowed to wear her hijab because it could be used as a
tool. And when she came out of the hospital, she decided to remove
her hijab, because in that tide, she just didn't have the emotional
capacity to navigate hijab while she had just tried to unalive
herself. People at her Masjid knew what happened. People in the
masjid were aware of what she had forgotten. No one had tried to
reach out to her for this reason. But when they saw her remove her
hijab, all of a sudden, all the conversations that she was engaged
with were, why did you remove your hijab? Don't you know that hijab
is an obligation? Do you still believe in Islam? Are you still
Muslim? Let's have some tea so I can talk to you about the
importance of hijab, inviting her to their homes so they can affirm
the importance of hijab. They were there when she removed her hijab.
But why were they not there when she tried to remove her life those
messages in those critical spaces of pain and trauma and shame and
abuse, of course, are going to impact the way someone sees their
relationship with who Allah is. When Allah Kanawha Taala is not
only taught to us in this way, when these messages are given in a
way that affirm some of the self doubt that we have internally
about ourselves, it can be difficult for us to feel like
we're ready to connect to Allah. It can be difficult for us to even
try, because, as many young people have told me, when they try to
make dua, they say, what's the point when I know that Allah just
wants to punish me? They wonder, Should I even try? Because I know
that Allah is always angry with me. They hate themselves for
something that they've done or something that has happened, and
this misplaced self loathing then is cast onto who Allah is. And so
instead of knowing that Allah is the One who is always there for
them, that he is the refuge, that he is the safe space, that he is
your safe space. The internal conversations they have about who
who they are to Allah is how they assume Allah sees them, when in
reality, Allah, penu taala is Al raqid Al rabid is, yes, the one
who watches. But why does he watch? Because he watches what he
cares about. He watches whom he cares about. He is there because
he is the nurturer, the Sustainer, Al Wadud, the source of love, and
as salam, the source of peace. So when we're talking about
reconnecting to Allah after we've gone through this type of pain, we
also need to navigate what the prophets themselves went through
to help us reaffirm that belief. So first of all, acknowledge the
fact that you struggle in your relationship with God. Accept that
now, what do we do about it? Allah SWT in the Quran, he says, Yo,
man, I am there. Oh, man, what a Ben ilaman, a talking about the
Day of Judgment, it's a day that that all these material types of
wealth or other people are not going to be of any benefit, except
for the one that comes with Al bin Salim. Al bin Salim is often
translated as a pure heart, someone who has a pure heart,
which then means, often to those who hear pure heart that this is
the person who doesn't commit sin, that's a person who doesn't make
mistakes. It's a person who is so pure and righteous. But the
scholars of tips here talk about bin sarib. They explicitly say
it's not someone who doesn't ever commit sin, because we will all
commit sin. That's explicitly mentioned. We will commit sin, but
then said he is somebody who comes to Allah affirming the fact that
Allah has no partners. They don't worship anyone except Allah
directly. They only worship God. They don't worship anyone else but
God directly. And number two, that they have an affirmation, that
they have conviction that there is a hereafter. This is a person who
has but bin city. Now if sometimes you have doubts, when you have a
bin Salim, when you believe in Allah, when you believe in the
hereafter, maybe you're laying in bed at one night, in the middle of
the night, and you're thinking, is this really real? Is it really
going to be a hereafter? And you wonder whether or not this is the
truth, then consider that the companions went to the Prophet,
peace be upon him. And so he from Muslim, a group of them went and
told him, sallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam, we have these thoughts
about Allah that we can't even say out loud. And the Prophet, peace
be upon him, responded with basically saying, for real, you
have that? And they said, Yes. And the Prophet, sallAllahu, alayhi
wasalam, told them that is clear faith, the fact that you're even
concerned is a sign of the clarity of your faith. In fact, the toad
that the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him, made most frequently was
the prayer yamu an libel, follow dinik o Turner of hearts, keep my
heart firm on your path. Why would the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon
him, a literal prophet of God receiving revelation.
Actively in conversation with Angel Gabriel. Why would she
SallAllahu, alayhi wa sallam. Make this so many times, it's such an
invitation to all of us to recognize that there are going to
be times that we feel our faith waiver or even have these doubts.
What do we do when we go through that process? We go back to
affirming our belief by asking for God to keep our beliefs strong in
the Quran Prophet Abraham Ibrahim alaihi salam is quoted to ask
Allah to show him how Allah raises the dead. This is a prophet of God
who has seen miracles in his life, who was in a physical fire that
God made cool. He has seen miracle after miracle. He is the friend of
Allah, and yet he sends to Allah show me how you raise the dead.
And when Allah responds, Abu almit, which, of course, Allah
knows that Ibrahim, alaihi salam, believes, don't you believe? Of
course, God knows Ibrahim believes, and he knows all our
hearts. But what does Ibrahim say in response, of course, but just
to liya pura Mata in Napa Nabi, so that my heart has that
reassurance. And why would Allah record this conversation in the
Quran? How many conversations that Allah sign up with Alad record in
the Quran that didn't have to be there? He recorded this
conversation, and it's a form of comfort for all of us when we are
struggling and need that reassurance, that even the friend
of Allah
asked to see that reassurance, it's part of our our profits have
shown us that asking for that reassurance, that receiving that
reassurance, that affirming that reassurance, is a part of our
faith. So the first part of navigating how we can reconnect to
Allah is the way we have these internal conversations with
ourselves that Allah is not who we think we are. Allah says that he
is as we think he is. I am as my servant thinks I am when I make
dua, and I'm praying to Allah. And I used to do this. I used to make
dua, and I used to say, oh, Allah, please give me. And I'd ask for
something in my heart. The exact thoughts I would have is, why
would Allah give this to me when I know that he wants to give it the
exact opposite to punish me. He knows what I want I'm asking for
that. He knows how badly I want this, so he's either gonna never
give it to me, or give you the exact opposite, because he wants
to punish me. That is the thought I used to have when I used to make
dua to Allah in the moment of prayer,
Allah says I am as my servant thinks I am. So if that's the way
I'm thinking about Allah, then how can I expect that my jaw will be
answered in a way that I'm hoping for? Of course, we know that Allah
may protect us from something by not giving us something, but he
will always give us something better or in a different way, or
protect us from some sort of, some sort of trial or tribulation, or
give it to us in the Hereafter, he always promises to answer, coming
to Allah with that affirmation internally, knowing that if I hate
myself, it doesn't mean Allah hates me, but if I struggle with
who I am, it doesn't mean that Allah is struggling with who I am,
that it doesn't mean that if I think about something I did 10
years ago, 10 months ago, 10 days ago, that Allah is only thinking
about that what see yourself in the lens of everything you've done
wrong instead of everything you're doing right, the fact that you're
still trying despite the mistake, the fact that despite what you
went through on that day, you still held the door open for
someone who was trying to walk through building a bunch of
groceries. Why are you measuring yourself in a deficient way,
instead of measuring yourself in the way in which will build hope
with your Lord when you know that he wants you to win, Allah wants
you to win. This is why, when he has that angels write your deeds
on the right, the angel on the right doesn't write your good deed
as just a good deed. Yes, it can be written as just one good deed,
but it's written as one to 700 to so many more times. Why? Because
Allah wants you to win. And when we change that internal narrative,
it can then change our action. SubhanAllah. Allah is not just
amazing in every way because he's Allah, but he is obviously also an
Hakim, the most wise, and els fabier The all knowing.
Today, researchers talk cognitive behavioral researchers, therapists
talk, when addressing trauma and navigating healing, how to change
action that we can't change our feelings. So what do we do?
Instead, we focus on the action. When we focus on the action that's
going to impact our thoughts, which will impact our feelings.
Meriam, are they? Hassan, Virgin Mary in the Quran, how does the
conversation with Angel Gabriel? How does it how is it described?
She is given the glad.
Glad tidings of a baby.
Her reaction from an angel Jibreel
telling her about the glad tidings is not Allahu Akbar. I've been
chosen by God. Allahu Akbar. Angel Jibreel is talking to me and Salah
Alhamdulillah, I'm going to become a mother. Her reaction is, how is
this possible? And no man has touched me, Allah could have
described for us any of her conversation between that moment
to the moment of her birth, any thoughts she had, any words she
said. What Allah recorded is her words of pain and grief, this
calling out to Allah, yet any Mitsu kabanah, I wish I had died
before this and I had been something that was never
mentioned. Now, scholars talk about why she said that, that she
was, of course, physically in labor. It's very, very painful,
and many women say that they don't know if they're gonna make it. So
that's one aspect of the physical two. She's alone in the desert.
What is that like for a young woman who has never even been in a
relationship, and now all of a sudden, she's giving birth. And
also she was the model of religious connection, the very
first woman to ever be accepted into a space in which men had only
previously been worshiping in beitoul milkdis, and she is the
model of purity. What are people going to say about purity, and
even the model of purity is accused of this, her emotional
grief, her physical pain, her calling out to Allah, is what
Allah, Spano Tala chose to have transcribed for all of humanity
until the rest of time. What does that say about when you are going
through your own emotion.
And then what does Allah do? He affirms that takhazeni, he affirms
the fact that she said he acknowledges her sadness. And then
what he tells her to take action by doing what? Shake the date palm
tree. A woman giving birth, none of us can shake a date palm tree,
and they should get a ball. That does just not going to happen from
the bottom of the happen from the bottom of the deep, start going to
rain down on this if we touch the truck. So she's literally in
labor,
giving birth to a baby, and she needs to shake the date palm tree.
What would what happens to a person who's having thoughts of
cyclical anxiety? What happens to a person who is actually having
suicidal thoughts. What happens to a person who is catastrophizing a
situation and all of a sudden they have to focus on an action,
their thoughts will be cut off. It doesn't mean those thoughts don't
come back, but the cycle is cut. The action is the focus, and that
is literally what Allah shows us in her story, she focuses on the
action, and then she's told to take some time to relax, to drink,
to eat, and then once, then she goes out to her people, and she
calls people to Allah, not by speaking herself, by holding her
baby, and Jesus is the one who speaks as an infant. Yes, it's a
miracle, of course. But also Allah could have chosen Prophet
zakiriya, Prophet Zechariah, to bring out that baby. Allah
commanded angel Gabriel to bring out that baby. He commanded Virgin
Mary. He commanded Meriam alaiha Salam, in the vulnerable moment of
her out of her briefing, to go out. She is the one who had a role
to play, and you are the one who has a role to play. The second
thing that you need we need to focus on, after the internal
conversation is, what is my role? What is my action? What is the
action I'm going to focus on? What is something you can tangibly do?
One maybe read up Quran in translation, one page a day,
translation of the Quran, one page a day, one verse a day. Take
action towards God. If you can't pray every single one of your
prayers, yet, what prayer are you going to pray every single day and
build upon that? Someone I know approached me at a conference, if,
like, maybe seven years ago, she told me she didn't pray at all,
and I asked her to send me a message every single day that she
prayed the whole for six months. No, actually six months, she had
done by three maybe it was like a month and a half. All she did was
pray the whole. And she tried once in a while to pray another prayer,
but realistically, she just wasn't doing it. She did that until she
made it a habit, and then she added another, and then she added
another. Within a year and a half, she's praying all five prayers,
and Masha Allah, she's stuck with praying all five prayers. Yes, of
course, we should pray all our prayers on time. Yes, of course,
we're going to be responsible for our prayers. But at the same time,
what about coming to Allah with what one can do and building on it
until it becomes your soul craving it, your heart begging for it.
Because you know that this is the way that Allah loves to have a
conversation with you, so focusing on that action sometimes, when
we've had experiences that are really painful, when it comes to
religion, we have all those associations that are painful. We
need to rewire what those experiences are, and so we need to
take action in a new way.
Today, what that looks like is taking the Quran with you to a
cafe, ordering your favorite drink and reading the Quran in a cafe
with the words of ALLAH, going to the beach and praying on the
beach, rewiring your experiences with salah, going into the
mountains and making the Kiran, talking to Allah, Spano Tala while
you're surrounded by the trees, away from experiences that may not
have been positive for you in your associations with prayer in your
home, home, have a space that has a nice scent, maybe bake some
cookies or use some essential oil, but a scent that you associate
with, something you love, and work on praying in that corner, in that
spot, in a place that you feel a little comfortable, that you
enjoy, that you that you're that you're physically enjoying, so
that your heart can suddenly begin to enjoy it,
too. One of those ways of rewiring our internal conversation with
Allah is getting to know who he truly is, away from the messages
we've been given about Boogie is and an amazing resource is
reflecting on the names of Allah. It's a book by Dr Jina and
Youssef. You can take one name a week, as salam, the source of
peace, look for who assalam is in your life, in every part of your
life, and spend a week making dua to Allah by that name,
specifically to get to know who he is by all of His Names. And the
third part is building an entire support system for you to navigate
one go to therapy. Therapy is so critical Muslims. Dr Rania, a
scholar who is in the mental health field at Stanford, she
talks about how Muslims were the first ones to build centers that
were not just physical hospitals, but also mental hospitals. Muslims
were the one to build this. So why do we have so much stigma
surrounding mental health? Yes, when you climb a mountain and you
have a rope, you need to hold on to Quran and fasting and salah.
All of that is that rope that you pull yourself up by. You pull on,
you hold on to, that rope of that connection with Allah. But like
you have to wear shoes, you need a backpack with supplies. All of
those things are therapy. It's self care. It's having a support
system that can help you navigate as you're working through your
healing process. And please know that your support system includes
the angels. The angels of Allah are commanded to do nothing. Well,
they have many, many different commands, but these particular
angels in the Quran, Allah talks about and ladina yacht. They want,
the ones who are holding up the autoship Allah, the throne of God,
they believe in Him. And what do they do? They praise Him. And
what's the next part of after praising Him, we are still a few
ladina Amen, and they are asking for the forgiveness of the
believers, making the whole rest of this person the next is praying
for the believers, for their forgiveness, for them to be
entered into paradise with their loved ones. These angels can do
nothing except
what Allah commands them to do. They are doing nothing except
praying for din ladina and din ladina and who those who have
believed, that's why I believed, are not in mominin, this, this,
this tense, is someone who embodies belief in their actions.
It's not that mohsinin, those who strive to do the best possible in
their actions. No Vilna Dina and are the people who believed in
their hearts but their actions struggle to catch up. Sometimes,
that is Vilna and someone who believes, but they struggle with
the action. When you focus on rewiring your internal
conversation, you focus on the action you can do consistently, to
come closer to Allah's panawata Allah, and you surround yourself
with the tools that you need, what's a privilege, honestly, to
be able to do so. So I recognize this, but seeking therapy, having
a support group, and even if you don't feel like you tangibly, have
that, knowing that Allah's panawata Allah has sent a legion
of angel has commanded a legion of angels just to pray for you.
Please know that it all accumulates into one verse, all of
this we can take into pull in no swaleti, one, key one, and that he
didn't mean that my life, my death and everything in between, my
prayer, my sacrifice, is only for God, which means that you working
on your healing is an act of worship with the right intention,
which means you trying to navigate what it means to be Muslim in the
workspace at school, making bulldo in a bathroom in public, whatever
that is, that's a form of worship. You taking care of your younger
siblings, or if you have young kids, and exhausting, as
exhausting as it might be and you might not even have time for
yourself, it's an act of worship. All of your life is an act of
worship with the right intention. Allah chose Mariam, alaihi salam
for a reason, and he chose you, he tells us, in the Quran, huwaji
tabacon, who wanted to back home.
Um He has chosen you. Why did he choose you? Imam of Talbot, he
mentions for a quality that you may not even see within your own
self, but he knows you have You've been chosen to be a part of this
ummah for a reason. Allah sees you, he hears you, he knows you.
He loves you, and He wants you to win Subnautica. Barry manier.
Thank you so much for joining us today. You can find me on Tiktok
and Instagram and YouTube, AT T H, E M, A R, Y, a m, a m, I R. I'm
the creator of body, the woman Quran reciters app. Body is an app
which features women from all around the world, including women
with disabilities who have incredible recitations and
certifications in Quran. And one of the reasons we created Claudia
for women is for women who have navigated trauma or some sort of
painful experience when it comes to religion. And we're so grateful
that since the release of the app, so many women have told us it
helps them. Come back to the Quran again. You can download qadia, q,
A R, I, a H, on Apple Play and Google stores on Google Play and
Apple stores. And you can learn about the tower on www dot q, A R,
I, a H, dot, a P, P on the F, H, Q,
make sure to catch the next episode next week in sha Allah
Robel akini
IN THE.