Ismail Kamdar – Marriages are not built on Fiqh – Izzah Academy

			This is one area where we are failing today as a community. I see this online.
		

			I'm talking about marriage, it's fine to do and the importance of other binocular advantage. So the
other day I posted on Twitter, that you cannot build a marriage around. You has to be built on
compassion, and kindness. And some people didn't understand what they meant by that. So I just want
to explain what you buy that you see fit when it comes to personal relationships, establishes the pm
when it establishes what you can take the person to quote, he didn't do this. She didn't do that. It
doesn't establish how do you build a beautiful relationship that doesn't come from fear that comes
from other than o'clock. Right? Being a gentleman towards your wife, being submissive towards your
		

			husband, having a good character, being kind, being compassionate, being just being merciful being
forgiving. That's how you build in a marriage, just how you build a relationship. And that doesn't
just apply to the husband, wife relationship with your children with your parents, you nowadays, we
have so many people who are focused only on the adding this may be a problem with our education
system, that unfortunately, in many parts of the Western world, the madrasa only teachers. So we
think of Islam only terms of rulings. So like I have, like the other day a man came to me and he's
like, do I have to take my wife out to a restaurant? I mean, there's nothing in the Quran Hadith
		

			that says I have to do that, right? Well, there's nothing in the Quran or Hadith that says a lot of
things. That's not how you build a relationship, you build a relationship based on, on being kind to
each other. If this is something that makes your wife love you more, and makes her want to be with
you more and increase it increases the muhabba between you, and you can afford it, then hamdulillah
go ahead and do it. Because technically, the Hadith does say the best money is the money you spend
on your family. And this is the Hadith. So we can use that hadith over here and say that yes, this
is spending money on your family in a way that increases love. And so so often these days, we get
		

			caught up in the technicalities. You know, what's the definition of this? Is it what is it? Is it
moku? Is it haram?
		

			My advice is as long as it falls within the broad category of Halal focus on doing what would make
the relationship struggle. And this is really having good character values. And again, the Hadith
comes to mind.
		

			The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam when he advised women to look for a husband what two
qualities that she that he asked me what to look for in a husband. He said when a man comes to you
with a proposal, who is pious and has good character, except the proposal, Notice he didn't just say
piety, he said piety and good character. Because you cannot build a marriage without good character.
Right? If you look at the role of a man in a marriage number one is to provide. We spoke earlier
about miserliness versus generosity. A miserly man is not going to provide for his wife and children
in a way that brings about love. He's going to be miserly towards him. So generosity is part of the
		

			good character, the husband has to have. He needs to be generous to his wives and to be generous to
his children. He needs to be generous towards his community. Part of good character is courage. A
man needs to protect his family, you can't protect your family without courage, part and good
character is being trustworthy and honest, you can't build a relationship without trust and honesty.
So a lot forms the foundation of our relationship. And when we understand this,
		

			things like marriage, parenting, the relationship with our siblings, the relationship with our
neighbors, all of these things become so much easier when we look at it not from the lens of fake or
from the lens of other vendors, that you want to be a refined gentleman. In your dealings with
everybody. You want to be someone of impeccable character, somebody who your character makes people
love you, and they make people love Allah and B, people love this religion. Right? This is the type
of character we need to aim for your son in our character perfection in our character. We may not
get there, but that's what we aim for. We continuously try to improve so we can get to that level.
		

			And when you build your relationships on a clock or adapt when you build upon having good character
and having good manners, then you will build a beautiful fabric, you will build a beautiful
community, you will build a beautiful, but it starts with how we deal with each other. It starts
with wanting best for each other and having these good manners towards each other. That is the
foundation of every relationship.
		

			Mashallah, yeah, I totally agree. And I feel like this is a misconception and maybe how some Muslims
have learned but you know, I'm always big on analogies and parables and things that make I think it
makes it easy to understand. So I view fit as a vessel, right? It stabilizes the vessel. And then
what you got to put in it is all of the beautiful character in the manners and everything like that,
right? So if you just have a vessel and there's nothing in it, then it's okay. It's a good vessel. I
mean, it's in
		

			terms of sturdiness, but it's not really, you know, there needs to be more to it, right. So that's
like fifth that establishes the limits, the rules, the boundaries. And then within that there are
things that go along with that, like love, we have, like having love for your wife and in love, even
if not in the sense of affection, but loved the the good of your wife, you were concerned for the
welfare of your wife, in this life and the hereafter, and you're merciful to your wife, or genossen,
generous to your wife, and so on. Those aren't studied in fifth, because they're, those are inward
qualities, right? And they can't be measured. Fifth is like things that you can measure, you know,
		

			like, this is the dowry, this is the
		

			steps when there's divorce, and this is how the divorce is initiated, and so on. And there's all
those rules, right?
		

			But like, how nice Are you supposed to be to your wife, you mean, you can't like measure that it's a
qualitative, it qualitative quality.
		

			So, you know, that doesn't do that. And also, it's also very diverse of interest that ALLAH SubhanA,
Allah knows that human beings are diverse and unique. Not every two humans are the same. So Allah
revealed to us a Sharia, where the boundaries are clear. But within the boundaries, there's lots of
rooms for different personalities. So you may have one couple, where they are more romantic with
each other. And that works for them. And you have another couple that's more professional with each
other, you can say they're both doctors, they both have this professional mindset. You don't as
romantic, but they love each other detail for each other, and that works for them. And both of those
		

			relationships will be perfectly halal, because they fit within this boundary. This is the beauty of
Fichter in traces this large boundary, and whatever is within it becomes halal, right. And people,
often what we see now these people are trying to find a one size fits all solution that all men must
be like this, all women must be like this. Every management's look like this. But that's how the
real world is every family is unique, every individual is unique. And Allah caters for this with the
medical of the Sharia in that it is built in a way that no matter what your personality is, like,
you know, if you and your and your spouse work together to find how to make things work for you, as
		

			long as he falls within that category of Halal if your business is entirely opposite, as long as he
falls within the category of halal and what the fic does to me is it it establishes, you know, the
know goes establishes when you can take someone to court establishes when you can say okay, this
person has crossed the line. But as long as they within that line, it's their own business how they
do things, right. And I've seen this in my in my own life that so many families I know are so
different in their lifestyles, and in the way that their families work. But as long as they're doing
it within the boundaries of Halal It's nobody else's business. It's all a matter of being
		

			compassionate to each other, being kind to each other being understanding towards each other. All of
this is, is part of an image of Allah made our religion was tricky. Imagine if Allah revealed, you
have to have, you know, this amount of romance in your marriage and you have to have that amount of
money that you spend on your wife and you have to buy her XYZ you have to have a certain amount of
money, you know, before you get married. Imagine if all religion was that strict, nobody would be
able to practice it. It is part of Allah's mercy if you let all of this open, if all of this open
for people to use their common sense, the manners into character to build relationships, and the
		

			fifth is there to make sure that there's no abuse. That's what the fic is therefore jailed. So we
have these no go zones, and what's beyond that will be considered abusive on either side, and
anything in between hamdulillah and do what works best for your family.