Ibraheem Menk – In Laws In Marriage!

			Sisters in Islam, your marriage is between you and your spouse. And try by all means not to let a
third party get involved in your marriage. Oftentimes I find messages, emails from people who say
that we got our parents involved all so and so has been interfering in our marriage. And it has
caused us problems to the extent where it is irreparable, we cannot go on further we need to divorce
now it has reached the point where we can't carry on. And this is a problem that is a common theme
in many marriages. Now, I'm not saying that all in laws are outlaws, as they say. But well intended
people getting together. And wanting to form that marriage can have problems. It is already
		

			difficult when it is only just to have you in your marriage. But it becomes harder when your mother
in law is involved in your marriage as well. And your father in law is involved in your marriage as
well. And your uncle in law is involved in your marriage as well. So what we need to do is ensure
that we keep our families in check my father, my father and my mother, I should keep them in check.
Not my wife, I shouldn't accept expect her to keep them in check. Because she cannot it is not her
position to do so. But I need to have a relationship with my parents such that I can tell them that
mom, dad right here right now I think you need to take a step back. And many of us don't have the
		

			courage to do this. This is a big problem in our marriages where our mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts
are getting involved. A woman messages me recently, my me and my husband, we get along, we have no
problem. And my sister in laws are telling my husband to divorce me, what place do the sisters have
in the marriage, the sisters of the husband have no place in that marriage whatsoever. This is not
even the mother and the father. So this is a problem. And often times as children, we feel it is
impossible for us to approach our parents, but there is a respectful manner in which to discuss
issues. If it does not work once, try again, if he does not work the second time, try a third time
		

			and a fourth until you can get them to understand. And one of the major underlying causes for this
is that we want to live together even though we have the means. Now I'm not saying if you get too
long, this is wrong. By all means live together. If you understand boundaries, and you can look
after each other and live with each other in peace harmony, then that is fine if you can live with
each other with the love that is meant to be then and Hamdulillah. But generally by and large in the
first two years of marriage, the couple are getting to know each other, it is difficult. They have
lived a single life all their lives, all they had to care about was themselves. And now they've got
		

			to worry about they've got each other to care about. So they are getting to know each other it is
not easy to get up every day and look at the same face over and over and over again. That person has
the irritating parts as it is. They have the irritating qualities and this is why the hadith of
Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says Leia for a mirror in Kenya, I mean how Hulu can all be I
mean that a believer does not harm. A believing man does not harm a believing woman in marriage. If
he dislikes a certain characteristic of hers, then he loves others. So he should focus on that which
he loves. Meaning there are characteristics that you will dislike in your spouse, you won't like
		

			them. But if it is difficult for you, the two of you to get along with each other what have when you
have in laws to deal with as well. And not only in laws but interfering in laws Rasulullah
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam visits the house of Ali of the Allahu Anhu. And when he gets through the
House of Ali Ali was the son in law of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam married to the
daughter of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Fatima will be Allah, Allah and anha he gets to
the house and he finds that alley is not there at the time of the ruler at the time where people
would usually take rest. So he says ain't it ain't no UNMIK. He didn't even say a mahadi He says
		

			where is the son of your uncle? Referring to Ali ibn Abi Talib Radi Allahu Anhu why? Because even if
he is not your even if he's not your spouse before he is your spouse, he is your
		

			Uncle He is your relation. So you have that blood between you. And this draws our attention to
something else. Before we when when a couple get married and they marry into the relations, then not
only is there the relationship of marriage, but there is the relationship of blood as well. And
these relationships often times are strong, and they bring families and bond them even further
together. But when there is a problem, then we need to remember we need to remember that Allah
ultimately is our real bond. That blood that Allah subhanaw taala placed in our veins that we share
is the real bond. So it doesn't matter what happens between these couple this couple we were family
		

			anyways, we will remain family ain't up No, I'm Nick way is the son of your uncle. Meaning even
though you may have had a problem here, you already sensed that perhaps there is a problem, because
Ali is not at the hole at the home at a time when people are usually wrong. So she says that Harada
called domine waha Raja, he made me angry and he left the home. So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam tells one of the people that was waiting outside that go and look for him. You see, the hikma
the wisdom of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. One, he says go he says that stranger away.
Why? Because that stranger has no place hearing what's happened in the house of Ali Ibn Abu Talib of
		

			the Allahu Anhu. So go and look for him. That is your job. Go far away from here. He sent him away
in order to ensure that gossip doesn't spread in community because one person hears it. We're not
saying bad about the Sahaba the Allahu Anhu let's not get this wrong. We're not saying that he would
have done that. But the Sahaba Radi Allahu Anhu will not infallible. They made mistakes as well. So
in order to ensure that Ching Bom did not get there and whisper, he sends him away, and he tells him
You go and the Hadith actually mentions that Fatima Hara the Allahu Allah when explaining to her own
father, her own father. She never explained the details. She simply said, but what could have been
		

			you by email who che? Something happened between me and him verbally so he made me angry for her
Raja so he left the house. So she didn't even explain to her own father. What had happened between
them. Why? Because it was unnecessary for him to know. He didn't need to know what happened between
them. He all he needed to know there was an issue so he left the home. And this was Rasul allah
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, what happens with
us, we go we have a problem between husband and wife, husband goes to his parents wife goes to her
parents, and they begin to fill the years with all sorts of things about the spouse. So you are now
		

			generating creating hatred within your family for your spouse, you may forgive your spouse, they
will not forgive your spouse. Why? Because you have harmed my son, you have harmed my daughter. So
there is wisdom in keeping silent remaining silent. In fact, Allah subhanho wa Taala after
mentioning the very different stages in which a man can come together and mend his ties and his
relationship with his wife, he says the right at the end, we're in give through Shinnecock obey EMA
for the US or how come I mean, well, how come I mean actually, and if you fear the tool, now split
and divorce, then send a referee from her family and a referee from his family. At that point, when
		

			they're about to split, that's only when the third party comes and gets involved. Up until that
point, it is between the husband and wife, they should try and resolve the issue, communicate, talk
to each other, try and resolve the issue, if you cannot and it reached the point of divorce, then
you involve a referee from his family and a referee from her family. Now, having said that, you see,
we are talking about in laws, and someone may assume that he is negatively speaking about them. Yes,
they are negatives that we need to address. But there are a lot of positives as well. So at this
juncture, the two families can benefit that marriage. Why? Because they now know that the two are
		

			about to split. There was a lot of goodness, maybe 10 years, 20 years they lived together, and now
they've had a problem. We need to help them carry on on the journey. So there are positives as well.
When the children are there the inlaws help in a very great way
		

			So let's not forget that there are positives but we are highlighting the negatives today because it
has become a serious reason for divorce in many communities across the globe, so at the end of that
hadith Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam goes to the masjid, he goes to the masjid. In fact,
the man comes back and he says, Look, I found the ally in the
		

			house of Allah subhanho wa taala. So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam goes to the masjid, and
he finds Alia or the Allahu Anhu lying down there taking his nap there, and his top part of his
garment had fallen off his body, and his shoulder had gotten dirty or his body had gotten slightly
dusty. So Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he begins to dust off the dust he takes off the
dust. Look at the kindness and gentleness of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam being the
Messenger of Allah subhanho wa Taala in his status at his status, and regardless of it, he's dusting
off the shoulder or the body of, of Ali Radi Allahu Anhu. And then he says come about to rub tone to
		

			rob get up oh dusty one get up Oh, dusty one why, telling him that you are dusty in a nice way
drawing this attention to him that you are dusty. Come get up and go back to your home alley. All
the Allahu Anhu would love to be called about Torah. After that. Torah was the name the nickname
that he loved after that, why? Because of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam gave him that name.
So he simply sin Valley Radi Allahu Anhu back home. Sometimes issues don't require for us to get
involved, ask the details, find out what happened. Even good people have problems. Sometimes the
husband is good, the wife is good, oftentimes, both of them are good. They simply cannot see eye to
		

			eye on certain issues. And they will find their way we don't need to get involved in everything that
happens. And this is part of the reason why living with in laws can become a problem. Because when
you are living together, the mother sees everything that the wife does to the husband, the father
sees everything that the husband does to the wife, etc. They see the marriage in front of them. So
it becomes an issue, it becomes an issue. This is one of the reasons. So if you have the means, then
try by all means to live separately. If you cannot live in harmony with each other. If you cannot
live in harmony with each other, if you don't have the means try and make your way in life and ask
		

			Allah subhanho wa Taala to grant you, the Sabra and patients to bear with that situation. In
addition to this, try to have communication not only with you and your spouse, open those doors of
communication, not only with the husband and wife, but the doors of communication should be open in
a respectful manner between the inlaws and the couple as well. Why because they are living together.
So they need to understand each other in a respectful manner. The minute someone raises their voice
say we will not continue this conversation right now. We will continue later, but continue later.
These are hard, difficult conversations to have. It's not easy. There's a lot of emotions, emotions
		

			are running high, but they need to be had you are living with each other. Why do you want to reach
the point where the husband now says, I don't want you to live in the home? Or I don't want to live
with my parents or the parents say get out of the home? Why do you want to reach a point where they
can't talk to each other anymore? In fact, you'd rather and it is better for you to sit down
together and discuss and communicate and have fortnightly arrangements where you sit and raise
issues or monthly arrangements where you sit and you raise issues that you may have in order to
resolve your problems. May Allah subhanahu wa taala grant us families that are strong families that
		

			love each other families that can resolve our issues while through their own earning hamdulillahi
rabbil aalameen