Haleh Banani – Two of the most common parenting mistakes

			Two of the most common parenting mistakes that parents make it, parenting is one of the most
difficult jobs on the planet, and many people are overwhelmed. They're overwhelmed with the
responsibility. A lot of times they're self doubt and parenting Have I done enough? Am I doing too
much, and the worries, you just go on and on and on? Now, there are some mistakes that we can avoid,
we can really be watchful and avoid some of these pitfalls, that one of the things I hear most from
the parents that come in and they see me and they're so devastated by what their kids are going
through is, you know, am I doing the right thing? Am I am I overreacting, my under reacting, what do
		

			I need to do? And so one of the things that I
		

			notice is that there are two major mistakes that are done. Okay. So the first mistake is basically
under estimating a problem under estimating and where you feel like you don't give it much
importance, you don't think it's such a big deal. And because you've underestimated the issue, what
ends up happening is that you don't take the necessary actions you don't do what is really needed.
And so an example of this, I'll give you,
		

			I'll give you two examples, one of the most common things that are underestimated if your child says
that, you know, I hate my family, I hate you guys. And that is a lot of times just dismiss, like,
Okay, he's just being a brat, or she's just so on under, she doesn't appreciate and what's wrong
with her, you know, it's very common to just dismiss a statement like that, but we really need to
reflect and think about this, right? I mean, if she's saying, or if your son or daughter, if they're
saying that
		

			they hate the family, there's something going on, you need to really reflect on this and see, you
know, what is what is the environment at home, like, I mean, is there is there a lot of fighting is
there a lot of you know, criticism, and if there is, then it makes it very unpleasant to be in a
home like that. And so dismissing it, and just labeling the toddlers, you know, oh, they're just so
ungrateful, or they're such such a bad kid. That means you are not looking at this as an opportunity
to find out more and find out, you know, why? Why is it that they no hate being in that family. And
sometimes, the answers that you come up with are, are actually just very, very heartbreaking. And I
		

			am, you know, I'm not going to get into all the heartbreaking stories that I have heard. But you
know, you really need to find out what is causing your child to hate the family, because that's not
normal. It's not normal. I mean, it's, it's normal, from time to time to be frustrated from your
family, it's normal to,
		

			to feel maybe overwhelmed, but to have an ongoing feeling of like, I hate this family, there's,
there's something definitely wrong, and you need to get to the bottom of it. Another thing that is
underestimated, and many times people just, you know, shrug it off, is when your child says, You
know, I just I just want to die. I want to kill myself like that is something that almost every
parent that has come in, and has had a child who has said that they say that they just want
attention. You know, that's all they just want attention. They are making it up. And they don't
realize how critical it is when someone expresses this. So you need to really like that is not
		

			something to underestimate that is not something to just kind of shrug your shoulders and say, Oh,
my, this child is just so weird. And they just want attention. Well, yes, they need attention, they
need professional attention, they need your attention, they need you to take this very seriously and
find out what is at the bottom of all of this, whether it's depression or anxiety or whatever it is
that they're going through, don't write it off as just some something stupid that they're saying,
really, you know, give it give it that time and attention that it requires. Now another mistake that
is done is that you overestimate a problem right over estimate and over react. Right What is an
		

			example of this is basically when someone let's say your your child comes late, they have a curfew,
and maybe they're like, you know, half an hour late an hour late, and then you just explode. Right?
You have to really realize that many times yourself you were at a dinner party, you went shopping
whatever it is, he lost track of time. I mean, this happens I understand that there needs to be
there needs to be rules that you want to have some discipline you want boundaries, I get all that
okay, but to just lose it and to overreact because
		

			Something like that. It's just you're not going to come across as as a reasonable parent, right? So
you really need to reflect on that hear them out, right? I mean, they there might be a legitimate
reason why they are late, you know, it's sometimes it's, you know, car issues sometimes, you know,
they needed to drop off their friend they needed you know, something, I don't know, the, the game
they were playing on overtime, whatever was just, you know, be able to listen and not just
overreact. Another example, of, of overreacting is if the, you know, grades go down, when grades go
down, like parents just, you know, they lose it. And I had a client recently Tell me, I mean, she's
		

			in her 30s. But she was saying how she was always a good student always doing really well. And then
she started doing horrible at school and her parents, they didn't ask, you know, what's going on? Is
there anything that is troubling, you know, they just got angry, mad yell punished, you know, and
it's just, it's really sad, because she was actually being molested, you know, she was going through
such turmoil, such difficulties, and no one really cared, no one cared. Now, that might be an
extreme example, right. But another example is, is there fighting in your home are you and your
spouse, constantly yelling, screaming and creating chaos, right, because if that is the case, that
		

			is a main reason, kids, they just can't focus, they will tell me, the more that are like they're
fighting all the time. Like, there's no peace, I can't focus, I can't sit down, I don't even have
the motivation. Right. So as parents, if you're expecting your kids, let's say to do well, and you
want them to be happy and be grateful for, you know, the the family that they have, and you don't
want them to take their life than you really you need to do your part to create a home that is, you
know, that is loving, you need to really work on that because they're not going to, they're not
being raised in the vacuum they're being raised in, in your marriage, in the marriage that you are
		

			providing them. And, and this is usually many times as a toxic relationship. So do your part in
fixing that. And I know a lot of parents that don't want to hear that. They're like, you know what,
I'm just going to ignore, I'm just going to ignore my spouse, I don't even care. I'm just here for
the kids. But you know what, unless you take that initiative and fix your marriage, I know that
yesterday was you know, the about the marriage, but I can't tell you how important it is in raising
your kids. And if you put the time and effort and energy in improving that, then guess what your
kids are going to benefit, right? So I have a lot of free resources for you on how the banani.com
		

			you can go to the courses, many videos that are better for free that just help yourself, help
yourself, get yourself to a better place. I know that it's very difficult right now, with the
pandemic. And so many people who even had good marriages are now really suffering. And guess who
suffers while your marriage is falling apart? The kids suffer, right? And so if you're getting mad
at your kids, because their grades are not as good, or they're not behaving properly, I really want
you to look at yourself and your marriage and see, you know, what, what's the home environment and
if there's anything you can do to improve it, thank you for tuning in. And remember that two things
		

			two common mistakes one is
		

			under estimating a problem which is you know, just thinking you shrug it off not a big deal. Oh, my
child said they want to kill themselves. They just want attention. never the case you need to really
take it seriously. And if they are seeking attention you better give it to them right because this
is something that is that unfortunately doesn't end well if you really don't take action. And
another thing Another common mistake is overreacting over estimating you know they come late from
their curfew and then it's just like this they eat on you go crazy on that more grades get a little
bit low and you go crazy. It's really about hearing them out and find out get to the root of the
		

			problem because there's always an explanation, okay. Insha Allah, that Allah helps us in raising our
kids in the best way and in a way that is pleasing to Him. Check out halekulani.com under courses,
many free resources that you can benefit from inshallah, take care Salaam Alaikum