Haleh Banani – Friendship In Islam

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			friendships have a profound impact on our lives. So whether you're five or 50, the friends that you
choose will affect your life, we can impact our children until the age of about 12 or 13. And after
that, it is the friends that they choose the environment that they have that will affect them. So we
need to set the example about how to choose our friends, by choosing the right people. We have to
teach our children how to choose their friends wisely. And we need to set the example by choosing
our friend. I would like to ask you what kind of a friend are you? Do you give yourself with no
strings attached? Or are you calculating to get the maximum out of each person? Do you forgive or
		

			make excuses for your friends? Or are you constantly seeking out their flaws? Are you there when
they need you? Or are you there only for when they're having parties? Because when you are able to
be there for a friend when you are able to lessen a burden from someone that Allah will lessen the
burden that you have on the day of judgment? Do you protect your friends and stand up for them when
others are talking about them? Are you the first one to take part in the backbiting binge? Do you
keep their secrets? Are you the first to share everything that they have told you? We have to keep
in mind that the secrets that our friends share with us are an Amana and we have to safeguard these
		

			are mine us?
		

			do you encourage your friends to make advancements and to succeed in this dunya? Or the hereafter?
Or are you somehow preventing them from moving ahead? Now I'd like to ask some questions about the
kind of friends you have. Who are you surrounding yourself with because this is going to impact your
mood, it's going to affect your religion and it's going to affect your dunya and the affair. So I
want to have you reflect on the kind of friends that you have. Do the friends that you have give you
support and a peace of mind or are they always draining you? Are they negative and they are just
draining you of your energy? Do your friends live according to the Quran and Sunnah? Is that their
		

			primary goal? Or are they more concerned about keeping up with the latest fashions and fads? Do they
remind you of the hereafter? Do they help you in making advancements in your deen? Are they somehow
distracting you and taking you away from the deen because ultimately your friends are either
encouraging you and taking you towards Jannah. Or they're distracting you and taking you to the
hellfire. And we have to be very cautious about the friends that we are choosing to spend our time
with. Now I'm going to talk about some of the characteristics that are needed in order to be a good
friend. The first thing is being there for them and the way you can be there for them is to listen.
		

			Now, listening is an art. It's an art that very few people have mastered. Many times when you're
talking to someone, they are too busy thinking about a response or too busy or too consumed about
themselves. So it's really important to learn how to actively listen actively listening means that
as you're listening, you reiterate what you have heard from the person so that there's no
miscommunication. Another thing that you can do by being there for them is anticipating their needs,
realizing where they are and what they need, before they even ask, we need to anticipate the needs
of the people around us so that we can be there for them because it's really, really difficult for
		

			some people to crush their price and to actually ask for help. Allah says in the Quran, that Allah
loves those who do good and this is inserted our lm Ron i a 134. So any kind of hair that you do any
kind of good ask that you do for your friends, you are rewarded for it. Another way that we can help
our friends is by visiting them by keeping in touch with them. There's some times there's some
individuals that you will only hear from them when they need something. Have you had that
experience? You never you don't hear from them. But as soon as they need something, you get that
phone call. Now how nice is it if you can maintain this relationship and nurture it and nourish it
		

			and so that when you are in need or you want something that it's not something awkward that you keep
this bond and this relationship now visiting them
		

			very essential, especially if they're sick and you go and you pay them a visit. The Prophet
sallallahu Sallam said that a person who is visiting the sick, whether it's their friend or going to
the hospital, or whoever it is that 70,000 angels pray for for their forgiveness. How many of us
need that? How many of us need that da for from the angels, that Allah forgives us, we're always
airing so if we can get into the habit of visiting our friends, then we get so much reward.
		

			The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, a story of a man who is on his way to visit a friend, and a lot
of send an angel to wait in his path, as the man passed by the angel have asked him say, Where are
you going? And he said, I'm going to go visit my friend. And he asked them, are you going back to
him? Because you gave him something and you need repayment? Do you need anything from him? And you
said, No, no, it said, Why are you going to visit him? He said, I'm going because I love them for
the sake of Allah. And at that point, the angel told him that I am a messenger. And Allah has come
to tell you that he loves you because you love him for the sake of Allah.
		

			So this is a reminder to us that anytime we're visiting a friend, and we're doing it for the sake of
Allah, Allah loves us because we're doing this. There's another Hadith of the Prophet salallahu
alayhi Salaam, that says that individuals who love each other for the sake of Allah, they will be
rised on pillars of light, and the prophets and the martyrs will ask, Who are these people, they
will be envious of them. So imagine the prophets that we know looking at seeing these people on
pillars of light and wondering who are they. And Allah says that these are individuals who love each
other, simply for the sake of Allah. So we need to establish these kind of relationships and loving
		

			for the sake of Allah. In order to be a good friend. The second thing that you can do is to be
loyal. There's so many people who have friendships, and then they cut it off for the smallest things
for the silliest thing. If there's a little misunderstanding, or there's some kind of incident that
happens, they're very quick to end the relationship. So we need to be loyal and feel that this
relationship needs to be preserved. And if we have that mentality, our friendships will last for
years and years, a way to be loyal is to never ever gossip about your friends, have you noticed a
friend that gossips about someone else. And when they gossip, you can be pretty sure that they are
		

			going to sit and gossip about you. So try to build loyalty by not talking about your friends and not
sharing their secrets because, like I was saying that secrets are an Amana. If you share your
friend's secrets and tell others about it, it will really destroy the relationship because you will
lose the trust of the individual. So make sure that you are being loyal by not gossiping about them
and not sharing their secrets. Another way to be a good friend is to defend them. So if someone is
talking about them, you talk about their good traits and you defend your your friend, the Prophet
sallallahu Sallam said that none of you truly believes until he wants for his brother, what he wants
		

			for himself. And this is really something easy to say. But implementing it is challenging. Imagine
yourself you're at work and you have your Muslim brother or sister and they may get that promotion
Are you going to be just as happy for them. And this is something that we have to work on our heart
we have to realize that you know Allah is our Rosa right he is the one who provides that he sustains
us. So, if your friend happens to get that job, but that was his risk instead of getting upset, then
you are happy for him. Another example is when a friend of yours gets married Are you going to be
just as happy for them? Many times people have a hard time being happy or wanting the same fair
		

			goodness for other people than they want for themselves. So, we need to become aware of this.
Another thing you can do is to forgive when you forgive, you will establish better relationships
because many times what happens is that people do make mistakes, they are falling into error, they
may say things that hurt you they may end up lying they many things may occur, but if you forgive,
then you will find that you are mending. It's kind of like stitching, the the relationship, the last
thing you can do as far as having good relationship with your friends, if things go wrong, and there
is some kind of misunderstanding, the best thing is to try to resolve it. I've seen that it's very
		

			ambiguous that people deny the problems that you see someone acting differently towards you and you
go up to them wanting to resolve it and saying, you know, is there something wrong
		

			And many times the person will completely deny it and say, No, no, no, I'm just busy or no, no,
you're just imagining, and no one is, no one is really focused on resolving the problem, maybe
there's this fear of a bigger problem being created. So I think if we are mature in dealing with
problem resolution, conflict resolution, that the person who's approaching that one is kind and
gentle and inquiring to really preserve their relationship, and the person who is hearing this is
wise and mature, and feeling that, okay, this information, maybe if I share this thing that is
bothering me about the person, we can resolve it, and we can overcome it and have a better
		

			relationship, I think we really have to have this mentality, because by denying the problem, it's
not going to go away, it's just going to get, you know, it's just going to pile up. And many times
this happens within marriages, where a problem just goes on and on a person is not sharing is not
resolving it. And the person is just denying No, no, there's nothing wrong. No, then why is it that
you're not giving salami? Why are you acting differently? So why would there's something going on
there, and it's just best to share and express in a gentle loving way, so that the problem can be
resolved. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said that the doors of Paradise are open Mondays and
		

			Thursdays. And those individuals who did not associate anything with him will be forgiven, except
those who hold grudges against another Muslim brother or sister. So imagine, and they will not be
forgiven until they reconcile and he repeated that three times that until they reconcile, they will
not be forgiven until they reconciled, they will not be forgiven. So this is giving the importance
of the brotherhood and sisterhood in Islam, that we do not break these bonds of friendships. This is
telling us how important it is to keep the bonds of friendship, that we should do our best to
maintain it, even if something goes wrong. Ask for forgiveness for hurting a person's feeling. Even
		

			if you weren't wrong. Even if you didn't do anything. I think it never hurts to apologize for making
someone feel bad. I think especially when you have a close friend of yours, and you have heard them
in some way, just find a way to win their heart back, maybe give them a gift, maybe do something
special for them, invite them for lunch, and do this in order to salvage your friendships. Rather
than having broken friendships here and there. Because a lot of times what people do is that as soon
as something goes wrong, they just end it with this person. And then they go to the next person,
then the next person, and so they have a trail of broken friendships, what we need to do is try to
		

			establish very strong bonds with every single person and make them last. The Prophet sallallahu
Sallam also said that you should not stop talking to a friend of yours for more than three days, you
should not exchange them for more than three days. Because if this happens, then these friendships
are falling apart. And if two people are meeting, the one who initiated the salon, the one who
initiate being friends, once again, that's the one who is the better of the two. So this is the way
we need to be competing, we need to compete in pleasing Allah by showing forgiveness by mending our
friendships. And by keeping these bonds of sisterhood. Another characteristic you can have and being
		

			a good friend is to encourage your friends. And the way you can encourage is by acknowledging their
good trades. So if they have some good positive Chase, tell them about it. Let them know and let
them feel good about it. Because many times people are suffering from maybe low self esteem, maybe
they're having a bad day, maybe they are focusing on the negative things in themselves. And by you
acknowledging the positive traits that they have, they will be more enthused about being being a
better person, they'll feel happier and better about themselves. Another way that you can provide
encouragement is by advising them because as our friends we are a mirror to one another. The Prophet
		

			sallallahu Sallam said that your friend is a mirror to you. So we have to be there for them. If we
see something with a lot of wisdom, and gentleness and compassion, advise them and you can tell when
the advice is genuine, is when you give it with such compassion. And with such humility. It's not
about Oh, I know and you don't know or I'm better than you in any way. Because if someone comes
across that way, it will not be taken. It will just they will shine from the advice but when you
give it with all
		

			Your love to you, I love you so much and I care about you and I want the best for you, then you will
be, they will be more likely to take the advice from you. It's very important to keep in mind that
when giving advice, you have to make sure that you're following that advice yourself in certain
Baqarah Allah says alphabet Lumina shaytani r rajim Bismillah Ar Rahman AR Rahim, attack Moodle and
then service delivery with sound and pusaka
		

			lu l kita. A fella ta Caillou. So saying you're giving advice to other people, but you're not.
You're not taking it yourself? Well, this is very shameful. So whenever you want to give advice,
make sure that you are following it yourself. Allah says many places in the Quran that we need to do
honorable maruf and nahan, and Mancha, which is we are encouraging that which is good and forbidding
that which is wrong. And if we stop doing that, if we start feeling like oh, it's not my problem, or
why do I care, or that's their life, and we will become disconnected. And you see that happening in
many of our communities. That is, you see an individual taking the wrong path. And people are just
		

			just indifferent. They're completely indifferent towards the end, they just let each person take
these paths. And what ends up happening is that you have a society with many people that have gone
astray and no one really caring because people are more focused on their self. And this becomes a
very egocentric way of looking at things. And as a oma, we need to be more in tune with the needs of
our community, we need to be in tune with our sisters in our slum and with our brothers in this
time. If we see that someone was praying before and they're not praying, eating encouraged them see,
Brother, you know, this is this is the way to genda. And this is the first thing you're going to be
		

			asked about. If you see a sister who had maybe put her put on his job and took it off. He to go up
to them and share with them, see what happened. What is it that caused you to do this and encourage
them that maybe you can take this step again, and maybe you can make a change. If we're not aware of
these things that are happening in our community, and we are just indifferent towards them. Then you
will see a breakdown of the Islamic or man this unfortunately has happened in many places. So we
need to use our hikma use the examples of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam to know how to give
advice because sometimes what happens is that there are individuals, let's say in the mosque, and
		

			we've called them the mosque, police, right, they just designate themselves as the person who is
going to tell everyone Oh, your job is you know, is to see through or you need to pull your scarf
down or stand here, make your foot like this, and they go, and it's kind of like attacks and people
don't like that. And this is this is not the right approach. When we look at the example of the
Prophet salallahu alaihe salam. And the way that the way that he gave his advice was was with such
warmth, and with such hikma that everyone was very receptive to it. So if we want to establish the
Sunnah, if we want people to be better Muslims, then we need to apply the right methodology because
		

			that is the key to get the right methodology of correcting those around us. Help your funds, get
closer to Allah. But make sure that you gauge where they are at first, before giving the Dow before
changing, people are encouraging that make sure you find out where they are and where what level of
information they have. I have had some really funny experiences because I'm not fluent in Arabic, I
will have individuals come to me and they want to give Dawa, they want to help me in some way Get
closer tell us. So they start off and say, let me teach you the five pillars of Islam and they start
you know, sharing with me. And so this is humorous. And what happens is that usually if a person
		

			doesn't find out what this person knows already, then they end up saying things they may offend the
person they may say things that is basically not very useful. So we need to find out where a person
is that what they already know before trying to give more information. And we need to make sure that
we are encouraging our friends and helping them for the hereafter. So if you have CDs you could
share with your friends if they're a TV station that you tell them watch this program, come to this
conference. Let's go to this high locker this class together, encourage them in different ways so
that both of you can go in this path together. Stay tuned as I will discuss with you how to choose
		

			those friends who will have a positive impact on your life.
		

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			Dune satellite channel. Welcome back. The first section we talked about what characteristics that
you need to have in order to be a good friend. And those four being there for them as far as
listening and helping them visiting them being loyal. Another thing you could do is defend them, be
forgiving, make excuses for them, resolve problems with wisdom, and encouraged them. And you can
encourage them by giving good advice, encouraging them to become a better Muslim. Now I'm going to
discuss with you how you can choose your friends because what like I was saying, friends have such
an impact on our life. So we have to be selective, we have to choose people who are going to have a
		

			positive impact in our life.
		

			As parents, we need to be aware of the kinds of friends that we are surrounding ourselves with
because this is setting an example for our children. Because basically the friends that we choose,
we are saying that we approve of their behavior we approve of how they live their life. So if they
have a lifestyle, that's very different from let's say, the Islamic lifestyle that we want our kids
to, to have, then there is going to be an in congruence see and so we need to be cautious that we
choose individuals that have the same moral background. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam said that you
are likely to follow the religion of your friend. So be careful who you befriend. This is a kind of
		

			a warning that if you are friends with an individual who is not at all practicing, who may be doing
a lot of things that are wrong, then this is going to have an impact on you. And you may be pulled
in this direction. Allah says in the Quran, that friends on that day will be enemies to one another,
except for the Alamo taco and those who have Taqwa. So imagine all these people that you may be
spending time with, you're enjoying their company, you're hanging out together. But on that day, if
they are not righteous, and they're not leading you to the right path, you're going to become
enemies, you're going to be so angry at the person who got you to go to the clubs who got you to, to
		

			start smoking, who got you to do the bad things that you're you're now going to be punished for. So
we need to surround ourselves with those individuals who are pulling us in the right direction who
are encouraging us and making us have a better status and the hereafter, the characteristic we need
to look for in a friend. And the first and foremost is a person who has good character, because the
prophet SAW that a Salaam said that nothing is weightier on the scales than a person with good
character. So on that day of judgment, when we have our scales, the thing that's gonna weigh the
heaviest is a person who has good luck and good character. So we need to choose those people and
		

			surround ourselves with those people that have the best character. The Prophet sallallahu Sallam was
asked by an individual, what is the best thing that a person can be given? So you may think, well,
maybe it's maybe it's status, maybe it's good, looks good education opportunity. But what did he
says the thing that is best given to a person is good manner. So this is a best risk. If you are
able to have that log and have good character, this, this is the best sustenance. The Prophet
salallahu alaihe salam uses the example of a good friend being like a musk seller, a person who
sells perfume, and a bad friend being like a blacksmith. So with the musk seller that you either you
		

			benefit either way, either you're getting the perfume, or you're just enjoying the aroma, and with
the blouse, but with the blacksmith, you are either being burned, or you're getting discolored and
having the bad smell. So we need to surround ourselves with those musc sellers or like with good
friend, we're going to have a beautiful impact on our life.
		

			The next characteristic to look for in a person is that they are righteous. When a person is
righteous, they will impact you so strongly. And this is what happened in my own life is that I was
not always as practicing until I was surrounded with with righteous friends and they were the ones
who encouraged me. And they're the ones who motivated me to be a better person. I started meeting
many American Muslims who had changed their entire lives who were learning Arabic memorizing varad
giving classes and it made me start reflecting on my own self that I was born Muslim and I hadn't
taken the time to study or to reflect. I was always into my own secular studies and I think
		

			By having these rights as friends, it motivated me, it made me feel that if they can do it, I can do
it. And it became, it became like a competition. That's when you're not competing for the worldly
things. It's not for the status. It's not for the house, the car and all the things that people
usually competed, you're competing in a righteous deed. And that's when, when my life changes when I
started having friends, that they were doing so many good things, and they were really righteous.
And it made me feel like I need to work on myself and become a better person. But what happens is
that if the people around us are much worse off, we're always going to feel complacent, we're going
		

			to feel that we're better. We don't do this, we don't do that. And we're not moving ahead. So we
really need to surround ourselves with good friendships and other traits. Look for his sincerity.
Look for friends who are sincere. And you will find that this friendship will last a lifetime when
you have genuine friendship for the sake of Allah. And I remember the first 12 years that I was in
America, I had no Muslim friends, none whatsoever. But they're the ones that I did have that were
Muslim, were not very practicing. So when I tasted what it was like to have Muslim friends for the
first time, it changed me so much. And I think when you see the sincerity, you see the the
		

			camaraderie, it's, it's truly amazing. The last characteristic to look for is choosing people who do
not have envy and jealousy. When you find a person who is genuine, and who is really happy for your
successes, who's not feeling any kind of jealousy for any advancement that you make, that this
person is a true gem. Sometimes friends can be an anchor, and they're preventing you from moving
ahead, especially religiously, they may not be that practicing and as you are trying to soar.
They're like an anchor weighing you down. So sometimes you find that you need to distance yourself
in order to be able to soar. This concludes our session on friendship in Islam, we discussed on the
		

			characteristics for being a good friend, and the characteristics to look for in choosing a friend we
need to always surround ourselves with the best of people. And the analogy that comes to mind is
like having two coins. If you take a gold coin and a silver coin, you put them together and you rub
it together for a moment, you will find that there's no difference. But if you look at it on a
microscopic level, you will see that some elements of the gold coin is on the silver and some
elements of the Silver's on the goal and this is how our friends are like that they are leaving
impact on us. So let's surround ourselves with people who have who will leave that positive impact
		

			so it's like a law fair and As salam aleikum
		

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