Habib Bobat – Myth 7 I Married You Not Your Family

			It is day seven of the marriage installment and today we are looking at another myth. Today's myth
reads, I married you, not your family.
		

			And just before we go into today's myths, let's just recap yesterday's one. Yesterday we discussed
it. It is a myth to believe that the partner does not have to put in a lot of effort to see a good
marriage. And we said that men love is a verb which requires action, which requires constant effort.
And we gave you the example of a gardener that has to work in his garden throughout the year, he
cannot take a break, because if he does do that, then he finds himself in the problem. Today's most
I married you, not your family. Well, that is a myth. In the starting people are willing to wage
wars with each other. And they said, Yeah, as long as you and I were happy, don't worry, we will, we
		

			will will weather the storm. You don't have to worry about your mother, and you don't have to worry
about my father. We'll just we'll just get along with everything in Sharla. But little do they
realize that once they are married, they cannot live without the family they have to keep the tie
they have to maintain that relationship. And especially when the first child comes when the first
child is born into the relationship. Automatically the families come from both sides and if they are
not on good terms and that very same baby can become the means of two families fighting and two
families distancing themselves from each other. Now what role does the family play in in our life?
		

			That's a question we need to ask. And Allah subhanaw taala in the Quran states for Allah who nessa
bone will say Hara. Allah says that one of the boundaries that we have given human beings is that we
have given him relatives by born. And by marriage, there's two relatives with the loss of Hannah
Natalia is talking about in this verse, nessa urban means the bond that you share with your parents,
the blood relation that we talked about, was so raw is through the in laws and outlaws that we
become family. So the husband needs to understand that he cannot, he cannot borrow his wife's family
out of
		

			his wife's life, he cannot say to her, that Yeah. From now on, you can talk to your brother, you can
talk to your mother, and you can talk to your father, if you want to stay with me, you must stay
with me. But you can involve your parents parents in my house. That is being selfish, because the
husband needs to understand that just as he is important to the wife. Likewise, her parents are also
important to her in her life. And it's two different relationships. The relationship that she enjoys
with her parents and our family is different to the relationship that she enjoys with you. It is
totally selfish, to put your partner in a compromising situation where you have to choose between
		

			one and the other, you can't do that, you just can't do that. That is being foolish, you can't say,
choose me or choose your family, you need both. She needs her parents, her siblings in her life,
just as she needs you. And what you need to understand is that both relationships are totally
different, you cannot equate them, you cannot put them in the same scale, you cannot put them in the
same basket, they are not the same, they are different. The relationship that she has with her
brother is totally different to the relationship that she has with you. And likewise, the wife needs
to understand that the husband also has a duty towards his parents. And also, he is also very close
		

			to his family members. And she cannot say either choose me or your mother. Because I just can't stay
any longer in this house. Because that is wrong.
		

			So we need to work around our issues. We cannot say either this or either that we can't the minute
we bar family out of our lives, then this, you will definitely definitely experience problems and
turbulence between the two of you. You will definitely and it's because
		

			your family is very close to you. But sometimes you ask a question, and Marana the family, they're
not what they supposed to be. They keep on interfering. They are nosy they're always nitpicking in
mind, always they always minding our business. Well, we have to understand that no matter how cruel
the parents may be, it may appear to be at the end of the day. Your wife or the husband is not going
to upend the name. It's just the nature of that relationship. It's one unique relationship in the
world. And no matter no matter how angry you get with mommy and daddy, but at the end of the day,
you're still gonna love them two days down the line two months down the line.
		

			Three months down the line, you're going to forget about what happened between the two of you, and
you're going to get a patch up again. And you're going to love your parents, because that's just the
nature of the relationship. So if you say to your spouse, no, I'm never going to speak speak to your
parents are never going to come to your house. Then no matter how lovey dovey, you may be amongst
yourself that outside hinderance is always gonna take the happiness in your family. So we have to
understand that families play a very important role in our lives. And both partners need to
understand that we need to keep good terms with both family members on her side and on his side. And
		

			I know, I know it sensitivity, we get nosy family members, we get difficult ones, we get some people
who are very fussy in the family. But think about it like this, are you going to sit in five to
10 2030 people for the rest of your lives? Or are you just going to take it as such that look, these
people, we can't change them. Rather, what we can do is try and work around them in sha Allah. So
it's not that you're going to come into contact with them. 24 seven, it's, it's those brief, awkward
moments that you have with them at family functions, or every other function that you have. Are you
popping into your endless house every now and then it's for the short while but I mean, come on for
		

			the rest of your life, we're going to carry on fighting with everybody. Anybody say in a family are
going to pick up, take, take two arms at a bus stop, don't talk. I mean, you'll have four friends
left. And like how you have with your own friends, you have disagreements, and you don't agree with
certain things doesn't mean you break your friendship, you overlook that uneasiness, and you still
regard him as a friend or regard her as your friend. So that's how life is we have to understand
that we cannot borrow the family out of American life. It's important that we be kind to both of
them. It's important that we attend family functions on both sides. Some people are very unfair,
		

			very selfish, my family, you must come here, you must come otherwise I never speak to you.
		

			And if it's their family, not have to come.
		

			To come to come. So that is a problem. Attend functions on both sides. And pop in regularly to pay a
visit on both sides. And if there's anyone seeking a family, make it a point to go and visit. Invite
the family over now and then and remember, do acts of kindness for the pleasure of Allah not to
score points. Yes, you kinda have to your family. You You don't even look at my family. Yeah. Talk
to me.
		

			Oh, my Oh my so it's not it's not a pleasurable state to be in. Allah Subhana Allah give us an
understanding. So don't fight. Don't fight it out. Remember, we cannot bar our family members out of
our lives. And there's a beautiful narration that I came across. It was the night of hafs out of
YOLO Thailand. And the Prophet of Allah came to spend the night with her. And the Prophet of Allah
Salallahu alaihe salam came in the house and she said, Olivier for last Allahu alayhi. Salaam, will
you allow me to go and visit my family? When you allow me to go and visit my family? And the Prophet
of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said,
		

			he said, no problem. No problem, you can go or have sir. Now, I want to just think for a moment. The
Prophet of Allah didn't make a big fuss, come to in so many days.
		

			Well, basically, if he had nine wives, then each wife would get her turn in nine days isn't.
Although you would visit each one every day. There's a different method, but spending night was just
once in every night night. So she could have said, You know, I mean, the prophet of Allah could have
said, I come to you in so many days. And that also Nihongo to father, someone. The Prophet of Allah
was understanding. He understood, he understood her feelings. He understood her needs, and he
allowed her. So it's totally wrong. And we need to also understand that some people are selfish.
They limit contact between the wife and her parents in terms of even social networks like that. You
		

			can WhatsApp your mother, or you can talk to your brother. He can talk to your sister. Yeah, you're
talking to talk to me. I'm everything of yours. You get some selfish people like that. But really,
it's not nice. Allah subhanaw taala give us the understanding. So the myth is, I met you, not your
family. It's a mess. Leave it as a mess.