Edris Khamissa – Tap into your potential – 15.05.2014

			It's just continue on 11 so don't worry Kumara Metro la hora de la masa Hello Mr. haben Welcome to
our radio Islam international and a very warm welcome to our guests whom we are speaking to after a
very long time. It is camisa salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. walakum salam wa Salama
Rahmatullah, aka my Bella Milena. How are you? Very well. hamdulillah sugar My beloved Idris by how
are you?
		

			reciprocal?
		

			Mashallah. Yeah, it is a the love is reciprocal. And we should all not feel free to ever say I love
you. Absolutely. And I hope at least from our example, the spouses will tell each other then go on
to Darling, I love you. I hope they don't die of shock, you know?
		

			Yeah. You know, like the example that you give in your workshops that the wife says, Is there
something wrong? What is it now? Have you smashed the car game?
		

			That's true. That's true. How are you keeping it this way? I anila. Very well. monona. How are you
doing? Very well, from the massacre. It's been a very long time since we've spoken. And there's a
lot of catching up that you have to do. The lots of calcium just finished a program. Yeah, with the
sisters in Durban. I did this talk 20 steps in on parenting. And umbrella. You know, it's very
deceptive. And umbrella, you know. So I just finished off with that. And so it's going great in and
hungry MasterChef. That's good.
		

			catching up on your social cases that you've been working on, and that you have been through some
lessons for us?
		

			Yes, Tina, maulana the what is very, very, for me, a very grave concern, again, is that the people
have lost the respect for the sake of the institution of marriage, you know. And, and, and parents
are not playing the part in really getting the couples together. Because it's your daughter, your
take aside or it's your son, your thicker side is about taking sides is about looking at the
institution of marriage, and seeing how best we can work on that. So that is one issue that is
become very, very common. And, and again, as I always said, that we should make premarital
counseling mandatory, you know, that people need to go for this. And it's important that they
		

			understand what's expected for them, because many of them do not have realistic expectations, you
know. So I think that's the area that is of concern. The second thing that I am dealing with, and
it's also of a very great concern, is
		

			the whole issue of parenting, I find that, you know,
		

			that couples themselves, having difficulty bringing up children, they don't seem to understand them,
there's no empathy. And secondly, on the part of children themselves, they've got little or no
respect for their own parents. So this is the second issue.
		

			The third issue also has become very common, I don't know what is what it is, you know, on the, from
the perspective of men, that when these a medical issue, they don't want to go there go for
counseling, they say no, nothing wrong with me, or I'm not mad or whatever is some of the math is
not my madness, you know, it's about you need a Senate, you need some kind of sanity to prevail. You
need to have someone who understands the dynamics of marriage and to help people to reconcile and
understand. So the end goal, marriage is a partnership, you know, you cannot be passive, and expect
things to happen. So that, to me is a very, this has been an issue I've been dealing with for a
		

			very, very long time. And it's difficult to advise the woman alone except to give her some coping
skills and how sometimes she must become thick skin as it were, and continue to do what is right,
and pray that the husband comes around. And so this is the third issue. That is quite problematic,
right. The fourth issue that I want to speak about
		

			is the fact that you know, if you look at us in this country, you look at us as Muslims, I think,
you know, we need to understand, and we did speak about in passing the other day, we should look at
that our young people must understand and that we are growing up in a rural society that we need to
impact on the lives of other people. We need to do things that are right. And, and it's really,
really critical. I mean, the the whole issue I think we had the Muslim community must stand up in
the speaker.
		

			What's happening in Nigeria? You know, although I know it's a quite a complex conundrum, but the the
kind of things that they are saying about about Islam, and Boko Haram is really, to me, it's a
group, you know, that
		

			we need to openly critically chastise, you know, and see quite clearly is not part of Islam because
they are those individuals who are not necessarily anti muslim. This can really, you know, make them
rethink their perspective on Islam. And then they are those who are having sama phobia that they can
use this for mileage in terms of the antipathy towards slamming.
		

			Okay, so these are fuel Platinum issues. It's just gone 26 minutes after 11am going to welcome our
listeners to SMS on 0731738461. And you can call us on a 1185415 point Miss to the operator today is
Muhammad Bilal
		

			was awaiting your calls, you're most welcome to participate in the discussion. It is my
		

			respect for the sanctity of marriage Respect for Marriage in itself. And for the Institute of
marriage. The reasons if you have been through so many counseling sessions, perhaps some reasons
that you are finding common traits why respect is, is not being afforded to manage as it is supposed
to be? You said there is multifactorial. The One reason is
		

			that when you look at your marital relationship, and if you say that my husband is completely wrong,
and I'm completely correct, I have an issue with it. Because it often takes two people, yes, someone
is a perpetrator, the other is a victim. There's one issue. The other issue is the inability to talk
about our challenges or inability to talk about the issues that are impacting on the marriage, to
have a reasonable conversation without it becoming into an argument. The third thing is that I think
sometimes young people especially have unreasonable expectations of marriage, they have a singular,
		

			you know, pure, romantic notion about marriage. And that's the third, the fourth issue is also I
think what is becoming a recurring theme, which are many omitted to mention early on, is the the
role of both adoption laws and mothers in law, that seems to be an on ongoing issue. And you know,
and sometimes some men
		

			have a inadequate understanding of Islam, yes, in agenda lies beneath the feet of the mother, but to
allow your mother to run roughshod over your your wife, or destiny, that's unacceptable, you know,
she must, she ought to have the maturity, to treat them with dignity and understand that the young
girls are going to make mistakes. So, so then that is another issue. And of course, the other issue
is,
		

			when sometimes, because of economic constraints, people are forced many often to, you know, get into
credit, get into unnecessary stress, and purely to lead a life that's outside the financial reach.
And therefore they get into
		

			getting into accounts and always so it's a lot of factors there. And I think, you know, the only the
last, the most important The bottom line is, I think we have forgotten that we are mortal beings, we
have forgotten that, you know, we're going to die. And as a result, we are concerned so much about
the the heavenly earthly joy on this earth, you know,
		

			this has been reminds me of a Hades in even a matter that we studied while we were in madrasa.
		

			And this hadith mentions that the most important covenant or agreement that you have to live up to
is the agreements that you have made to your wife, or the promises that you have made to your wife
before marriage. And,
		

			and the reason for this hadith is that because we have taken our wives, as husbands, we have taken
them and we have made an agreement with them, they have given up certain of the rights of the
privileges, and they have sacrificed in order to fulfill pay sight of the covenant of nica. And so,
it is the husband's responsibility also to fulfill his side of it and this is something that we have
forgotten and we fail to realize, and it is, it is maybe it is this glorified or this
		

			romanticized image of marriage or this idea of marriage that we have fallen for forgetting what
marriage is essentially about
		

			a very powerful reminder and statement. And if we understand the true nature of it, I remember my
friendship barber mentioned is the Quran, they say that when when the marriage takes place ally is a
witness to that marriage. And once allies everywhere we understand that play such a powerful
statement. And I think we understand the nature of the continent, the nature of the agreement, truly
understand, truly there is, therefore you don't understanding is the one thing but truly understand,
I think it must impact positively on your behavior. And
		

			therefore, I mean, I find it very hard to understand why spouses In fact, it's also
		

			I know, some systems are telling me, you're getting more and more cases where husbands are
complaining that their spouses or their wives are in or bashing them up, you know, you may have
learned karate Samia, what I don't know. But the point is, is that
		

			if he truly understood the nature, I think all of us would be far more moderate and far more
circumspect in our behavior, and will show a lot more love and affection. You know,
		

			this issue of spousal abuse the other way around also is a major, a major problem a woman abusing
the husbands in
		

			Nigeria, we have heard about it recently, as well, huge problem, but basically it is by how do we z
inculcate this respect for manage?
		

			I think,
		

			in many ways, the most important thing is about the upbringing, the most important thing
		

			is about the value they espouse at home, because kids really are a miniature
		

			reflection of the home as I grew up older, they would either embrace the worst or the best of their
own parents. And I think that is
		

			quite fundamental, is very, very important. Secondly, I think, you know, parents instead of them
enjoying that, which is good and formula is wrong. Sometimes some parents either consciously or
unwittingly, really creating a problem in the marriage themselves. The third thing is this is
something that I feel strongly about, I mentioned it so often, is that we need to really, you know,
ensure that these are proper education for young people, they need to go through a cause they need
to go through premarital counseling, the respective them in laws need to also be part of the
process. So these key expectations on the part of all parties that can either cause
		

			friction or they themselves can create happiness at home. So they those things need to be done. And
again, also an under the olema dream, where there's an opportunity these issues need to be
discussed. And also I think, you know, the bottom line is they said we are growing at a time of
instant gratification, and there's so much of impatience so much impatience
		

			regarding that, you know,
		

			it's just a it's just continue six minutes before 12 we need to take a short break for some errands
now, and inshallah we'll come back we'll go on to the second topic that you were mentioning respect
for parents, and we'll be speaking about that in some houses. childlessness. Please SMS any
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			is
		

			23 minutes before 12 Welcome back to our Mr. Carnegie slump. So my name is Jude hsrp. And you're
listening to my guest Idris camisa. We speaking about a few things. Respect for Marriage was our
first topic and now we're going on to respect for parents it is by Welcome back.
		

			Yes, on the aspect of respect for parents, it is by you've had some experiences with people who who
have forgotten about us.
		

			No mana by the Maulana as this got 10 minutes to do I will complete my program. Yeah. Okay. Mona,
what has happened is
		

			when the wife showed respect to the husband,
		

			is unlikely for children to show respect, right? Now, what is worse?
		

			When, in our days, when we did anything wrong, it was done either in the cloak of darkness, or away
from people. But today, these almost a defiance that the fellas can see nothing and do nothing. And
then some parents are just resigning themselves, what can we do? This the time we are living
		

			these a lot of that disrespect. I mean, in terms of choice of
		

			partners in marriage, the parents have no say nothing.
		

			It also in terms of discipline, parents cannot discipline the kids. Sometimes because either the
party the father or the mother is overly indulgent, and doesn't want that discipline to take place.
		

			And, And fourthly, the whole issue of young people showing respect to nobody, you know, the the lack
of social ethic, we have lost it, we I don't have manners, and, and the whole of the many things
that we do. And, and it's a reminder, you know, just speaking to the appearance, he has said to
them,
		

			as you're growing up,
		

			sometimes we think that our parents are being unreasonable. But when we do the presentation, when
after they pass away, what they have said suddenly becomes like pearls of wisdom, you know,
		

			it's very, very important that we understand that you know, so this is the nature of things. So the
the issue of respect, is thrown out of the window, and the end and etc, is evident. And
		

			some parents are embarrassed about you, some men are in escalated, and they cannot even assert
themselves.
		

			And
		

			it is by the other issue since we have just a few minutes left the men not wanting to go for
counseling and he has a point that you made that people feel that a good golfer constitutes a sign
that I'm mentally disturbed or something like that. The importance of going for counseling, what
does counseling actually mean? You know what Mawlana I find
		

			a lambda light thank Allah and Allah bless Tamika plank, Caroline and everyone else that is doing
the work that I found and Allah knows best from my hive. The vast majority people have come to me
Alhamdulillah they're together.
		

			Right counseling is an opportunity, where you hear a third voice, whose objective who wants to look
at the nature of the issues the underlying issues in the marriage and is prepared to help. And
sometimes you may not realize it, that sometimes you think you have a full understanding of your own
relationship or marriage project through discussion through questing, and what Nigeria is, my gosh,
the person is light. And also you begin to look at each other on a much more favorable light. And
that is fundamental. And, and counseling is not about putting a lesser plaster day there is, is
really helping people to forgive, and rekindle the passion and love, and you take the relationship
		

			to another level. And that, to me, is fundamental, you know,
		

			this, this counseling that we go for, people would look at it as a threat upon the marriage and look
at it as a threat upon their own dignity or status, but it is not so. And counseling can be
beneficial, it can be hugely
		

			progressive for the marriage also in with the marriage will grow a lot. By Absolutely, I wonder what
you saw, right? Is that I think, you know, I, I don't think counselors betrayed the confidence of
the people that counseling or speak about it and say, you know, I went to so and so person came to
me today, and they've had a big problem and whatnot, you know, I don't think people will do that. If
you do that the burqa will go out of
		

			right. And it's an opportunity. And in fact, even people who are psychologists themselves also need
to go for counseling themselves, to offload because revealing is a healing. So that is that
critical. And it's an opportunity to really take your relationship to another level. Otherwise, you
can take each other for granted, you know,
		

			and about young people, and you're speaking about the plural society
		

			that we are living in and for us to understand our responsibility towards the greater society as
well. important points there. It's very, very important. I mean, you find
		

			that if you look at our universities, wherever we go, I mean, there is a notion that we have what
you call a ghetto mentality, you know, yes, they will serve as Muslims, they gravitate towards each
other. But you got to make sure that we engaging you know, we engage others, the people get to know
about the deen of Islam, and they must see us as self absorbed, inshallah a no exclusive group. And
I think it's important, especially with the global media, that we need to project what true Islam is
all about. And we know that the Sahaba it was to the conduct, that people embraced Islam, it wasn't
through the lengthy speeches was about through the conduct of the manner, the disposition, how they
		

			related to people, and people got to know what Islam is all about. Nothing is important, especially
men throughout the world, where people look at Muslims or suspicion that Allah forbid that we in
this country, we also seen with the same kind of lens, or painted the same brush, and I think we
must say it's a wake up call, and also in terms of at home, our relationship with our servants, to
an extent we treat them with dignity and all that, you know.
		

			Okay, thanks for your time this morning. And before I finished my Can I just say a few, my advices
or just a few, okay, this Tuesday Alhamdulillah at the LMA Hall from nine to half past 12 being a
program on relationships, and people could register the door at half past eight, this LMA, Hall this
Tuesday, then on Friday night as the
		

			this may Addabbo, Hall Bohol in benoni, and being a program and then this weekend, on the 24th of
May we are doing a program is called I just have one life is only for the sisters and on Sundays for
the sisters and the brothers. Whoever wants to know more about it, they can contact me or
		

			they can either contact me inshallah and we look forward to in any shall on Thursday. Reconnect I'm
doing a free program and that alone for the day and for the students on the art of public speaking
shala Okay, so back when I was hidden, it is pay for your time and
		

			there was a police officer speaking to us this morning she can just even for your time, as well
today and she confessed to the operator Brother Mohammed below from Geneva sat under my silica Santa
Monica rahmatullah wa barakato.