Edris Khamissa – Parenting in the 21st Century – Episode 1

			parenting in the 21st century by Idris camisa, and shimmy maka three at a time when many parents are
feeling helpless. The aim of these recordings is to offer practical solutions to real problems sugar
		

			parenting in the 21st century. Idris camisa, is an international consultant in Education and Human
Development. He began his career as a teacher of English. His passion and expertise for the subject
culminated in his nomination as the chairman of the English Society of South Africa.
		

			He has conducted numerous workshops in Australia, the United States, Canada, England, the Middle
East, Nigeria, Lusaka, Mozambique, Bangladesh, Malaysia, and throughout South Africa. He was one of
the founding members of the AMS South Africa. He is an advisory member of ebern, which is the
international Board of educational research and resources. He is the co author of the labor manual
for Muslim schools, his expertise in software development, and curriculum design. His creativity
made him a dynamic lecturer in didactic and methodology at itsa, which is the International Peace
University of South Africa. He also conducts in service training for business corporations, as a
		

			parenting expert and a marriage counselor. he conducts workshops on these topics. Youth Leadership,
is another area of his focus. He's a regular guest on National and Community Radio stations, he's
attendees at his workshops, find his programs are life changing. He believes that we should take
ownership of our lives. This is clearly evident in his personal empowerment seminars, and workshops.
This is the first in a set of CDs on parenting in the 21st century. Now, I know that we've done a
set of CDs on parenting. We've covered numerous topics on this. And I think I actually thought we've
covered all that was required, what is the need for a new set of CDs as salaam alaikum shamima? I
		

			think it's a good starting point. The critical aspect is that you and I need to recognize the fact
that we as education is being involved in the community, you and I are aware that the landscape has
changed completely. The landscape in our homes, the landscape in our environment, has changed. The
challenges that parents face today is unlike the challenges they face in yesteryear. And when I had
to look at those four CDs, which is also a very useful, I must say and very well received. I think
that we need to reinforce some of those points, but more importantly to add other dynamics, other
topics, because if you look around, many parents are raising their hands, what can I do? They talk
		

			about, you know, today's kids, today's kids, but kids are saying today's parents, today's parents,
so somewhere in between these a solution to this and I believe very strongly that parents can hone
the skills, parents can inshallah develop
		

			some ideas, and they must not give up and be a pessimistic. And often when they give up what they
are really doing. They're telling the kids, you know, in the end to whatever you want to do. And
unwittingly, they are incubating monsters. And I think we need to recognize that we need to
recognize that when you have kids is a huge Amana. And Allah has given you this responsibility.
After all, we are reminded that the parent cannot live anything better behind the pious children.
And how do you do it, he doesn't happen by chance. And we want to offer solutions. We want people to
rekindle the passion for parenting. We want parents to understand the life full of children,
		

			inshallah, and once they do that, then the home itself can be transformed. To a home in which kids
and parents enjoy a harmonious relationship with the home can once again be a sanctuary. So what we
sing Idris is that we're going to provide solutions to the parents on exactly what they can do in
the home. I think more to take control of what's happening in the home. Now what I'm going to do is
I know you've done a two day seminar in London, on parenting in the 21st century. I just want to
read a few paragraphs.
		

			In your introduction, and you can give me your response to that inshallah. As 21st century parents,
we face a unique set of challenges, the rise of modernity, like all eras before it has both its
upsides and its downsides. In general, we know more about human beings and how they grow and develop
than at any other time in history. And yet, we seem to be losing a whole host of parental
institutions that seemed obvious to parents of generations past. On top of this, many aspects of our
current cultural Malou are pushing us towards states of chronic stress and reactivity, which
interferes with our otherwise naturally wise and loving hearts. The nuclear family has lived modern
		

			day parents without the support of extended family. And you're going to discuss this in detail for
me, please, the work of child rearing used to be spread out in days gone by. In addition, new
parents could learn more things from the more experienced members of the family, and ideally receive
transmissions from the eldest. This kind of support is largely lacking in our culture today, we all
want what is best for our children. And so we try to keep up with the latest science and information
about how to best support them. But there is also an endless stream of data pouring through the web
that we can't possibly keep up with. Couple this with anxiety about wanting to get it right as a
		

			parent, and you have a very powerful force that keeps us separated from our natural capacity to read
our children's needs, and respond appropriately. information can be helpful, but relationship is
ultimately not a logical equation to be figured out in the head. From this deeper understanding, we
can begin to choose consciously What news structures will bring out the best in each of us and
create a nourishing home where everyone will thrive. Nigeria's I gave quite a bit in this
introduction, I need you to talk about the new generation of parents, then I need you to talk about
		

			the extended family the absence of the extended family inshallah.
		

			Yes,
		

			shamima. I mean, you are as an education is, you would know that the family dynamics have changed
radically.
		

			Not only we have the challenge of a nuclear family, often within the nuclear family, it's often one
active parent, then we have issues of divorces a widower, a widow, also, one individual trying his
or her utmost to reach the children. These are great, great challenges. In fact, he creates a lot of
frustration.
		

			We have heard the saying they takes a whole village to bring up a child. And we need to recognize
what it means. Firstly, in a village, every child is known inverted commas, by the bus driver, by
the cafe owner, by the neighbor, by the uncle. And each one of them would regard himself as a
responsible being a trying to inculcate certain values, and especially when they are seen by the
children of other parents, they make sure they behave in an impeccable way, they become almost like
they externalize a conscience. But today, it has become often and understandably, the sole
responsibility of the mother and the father, to nurture and to inculcate those values. But the
		

			family dynamics, the issues within the family has a profound profound, profound impact either
positively or negatively. And unwittingly, what we have also done is cut ourselves off. And one of
the things that I often say that you can some people would like to insulate an isolate the children,
but I think it's far more important for us to accumulate our children so they can deal with
challenges. So there's one dynamic
		

			and it's true, as I've said in the introduction, that all of us want the best for our children one
that but you cannot be passive about if you want the best. The Quran is very, very clear, to save
yourself and your family from the fire of *. Now the word save it's an imperative it means you
got to do something, you cannot be a remote controlled parent and hope suddenly everything is going
to happen because many parents they
		

			erroneously, that if I feed and clothe my child and I give my child shelter, that's a sum total of
my responsibility. But you and I know that parenting goes far, far beyond that. It requires a parent
to understand the life full of children is also understand the dynamics in society, to look at the
media, and many of those things that have a profound impact on the psyche and attitude of children.
The other aspect, you spoke about this new generation, and one of the things that inshallah we have
an opportunity, we need to discuss this, the whole issue of instant gratification, that parents say,
you know, what, I had a difficult childhood, I had many, many challenges. But I do not want my son
		

			and daughter to go through what I've gone through. But the reality is, is precisely the challenges
that Allah has put upon you, has made you into a resilient father, a resilient mother was able to
cope with the challenges today precisely because of those challenges you've been through. Now, you
find that because we want to make life easy for children, I'm not suggesting that one has to be
oppressive. One has to create unnecessary problems, but children need to appreciate everything
they've got. And doing so what you are doing, you are really developing a child with courage, with
resilience with an attitude of appreciation and gratitude. Otherwise, as a friend of mine, said,
		

			Actually, it was Shiraz, Patel's father, who said that we are incubating monsters, and this is
what's happening unwittingly. And they say the following something that I often say that in giving
our children are what we did not have, we have forgotten to give them what we had. And the other
issue is the whole issue of relationships. And something that you and I need to discuss and being an
educational is that you are in a dynamic one must say no need to blush shamima mother's reality is
that at those schools, I think the focus is so much on the IQ, that you have forgotten the EQ. And
studies have shown that the EQ is what twice the IQ and academic success is not a precursor for real
		

			success. But if we can give children EQ the emotional quotient, inshallah, they will be able to cope
with relationship dynamics, they will able to cope inshallah, with dealing with other people, and
also dealing with themselves. And so it's true, what I've said in introduction, I don't think any
person can argue against that. Now, no appearance of today want to get it right. That's always the
talk amongst the young parents, their guiding principle, and the Guru has become as to Google.
		

			And I see a problem with that. Because what about the principles and the values of extended family
members? And I just feel sometimes that Islamic values are lost as well, because children as of
today, I think, Mom, you know, that was during your time. These are different times, where the child
teens, they're looking at Google when the child's needs to be potty trained. They're looking at what
Google says. Now, if you cast your mind two years back, I don't know even about 30 years back and
you look at the youth, then I just seem to feel that things were a little different. I'm not talking
about the advancement of science, I'm not talking about technology. I'm talking about the basics in
		

			bringing up your child. Some of it's been lost, how can we get that part back in? Because potty
training? Okay, you know, there's a lot out on Google telling you how to do it. But why aren't we
looking at the older folk in the family to ask them? I know, there's the nuclear families now. But I
mean, the extended family members are still there, why aren't we using them? You know, shamima, it's
a very profound observation. Because while there is
		

			a plethora of information in Google, but the wisdom of grandparents or uncles whatever is something
that you cannot quantify. And also, they understand the children, they have got a face to face
interaction, they knew exactly some of the mistakes they have made. And we do not use that as a
resource. Because grandparents, and they have, you know, the experience, and they can certainly what
also happens, I know of many a grandparent sometimes feel so intimidated by his own kids or his
daughter in law, or you know, or grandchildren. They find it difficult to share any wisdom because
they feel that, you know, I've read a book, I've been through Google, so I know. But every child is
		

			unique and that's fundamental. Hello
		

			Ali also reminded us that because times are going to change, and whilst Islamic values are going to
be the same, so you got to be very, very guarded how you bring up children. And I think that's
important. Perhaps our young parents must do mixture.
		

			read your books on parenting, it's important. They they empowering themselves, the young parent. So
they read the books they check in on Google on how to parent, but combine that with the values from
your grandparents, from your parents, as well. And take a mixture of the two, there are some things
that our grandparents will tell you on parenting that you will realize is really outdated. But there
are those things that they can tell you, that's going to help you improve your parenting style.
Absolutely. And
		

			I recall I mean, if you look at the things that I speak about, it comes from my own observation of
children. It comes from my observation as an educationist, but also, it's some things that I've
learned, I also look at the net, I also surf the net, and Alhamdulillah these so much of
information, there is also practical wisdom, I just share one with you. And for me, this was really
a life changing statement that was made. And I know of many parents who have come to my workshop,
when they hear me say this, and they apply the principles of it, you find that they come back and
they tell me you know, brother Idris, my whole life has been transformed. I came from a home where
		

			there was it was a site of contestation and struggle. Now there's so much of harmony. And what is
it? I remember this? And I say it when I mentioned the city and what No, it's not so much for me
		

			to be waxing lyrical about myself, Oh, it is you're a master and whatnot. No, it's not about that.
There was I was conducting a workshop in London. And one of the statements I made is that parenting
is not so much your relationship with your child, but your relationship with your spouse. And I
found that life changing, it's a paradigm shift. And some things you often say that children mimic
adult behavior. So this lady who gave my first workshop that she gave me my second workshop, she
said to me, brother agrees, I've got another commitment today, but I want to stand up and share
something with you. He said that you said something that really changed my home, I saw only one
		

			thing I jokingly said no the many thing. But this is one point. She said when you said to us, my
husband was also present, that parenting is not so much your relationship with your child, but your
relationship with your spouse, then my husband and I began to reflect on our relationship. And we
realized there are many things that we need to do differently. And we began to be self critical and
critical of each other. And we began to change the dynamic. And when we change the dynamic, we found
a subsequent or consequent change in our churn in terms of attitude and the behavior. So I think as
parents listening to this, or potential parents, it is so fundamental, that when you want your
		

			children to grow up in an environment where they can learn sound values, they can only mimic you. So
I think it's important that as parents, you need to model that behavior. You can look at your own
dynamic and when parents have that relationship, inshallah, then kids would also want to embrace the
sacred institution of marriage, they want to embrace the etiquette that parents display, they want
to embrace the attitudes of parents towards a wider society. So really, it can be life changing.
Okay, next, we're moving on to a segment that we're going to discuss for the next couple of minutes.
And this is the factors contributing to successful parenting.
		

			Now, I'm going to read you a few points. And then you're going to just elaborate for me, successful
parents and their children are partners in discipline. Successful parents know that discipline is a
teaching process. Discipline is not just punishment.
		

			Yes, you know, the important thing is that there are partners. And in my own interaction, many
parents often often the mother says, My husband does not play his part. He comes home, and he
doesn't want to get involved in the nurturing and rearing of children, because he says, You know
what? I've done my bit in the workplace, it's your responsibility. But that's not the prophetic way.
I recall that. I conducted a workshop in one particular city in South Africa and had about
		

			80 Odd Parents have 40 husbands 40 wives, and I put them to groups of eight each and ask them to
write down for me 10 things that will make you happy at home, and you will not believe it. The each
of the groups got up to share the 10 things. And you will not believe it that the husbands or
fathers said things that none of it was repeated by the wives. husband is the same. When I come
home, the food must be ready, the house was very clean.
		

			The kids must be ready to go to sleep. And I don't read anything negative.
		

			Look at that respond. That was the general principles enunciated by our male counterparts. But the
mothers, they said no, they said my husband comes home, he must share how he spent his day. He must
surprise me Get me some chocolates, get some flowers.
		

			I mean, buy me flowers, you know, some roses, as it were. And some of them even said that they must
hug me. And they must even give me a sensual massage anyway. And but look at the difference. Look at
the fundamental difference. And something that hopefully we're going to speak about what are the
fundamental differences between men and women? And so that is one aspect the whole issue that women
want their husbands to get more actively involved? And why that is important Shamim I know you want
to raise another question is the fact that one of the four reasons. One of the four reasons why they
are divorces in other in our homes, is when the mother and father do not subscribe to the same
		

			philosophy as to how to bring up the child.
		

			We know that discipline is a teaching process. Now I know they have the young parents that say,
because I was over disciplined or my parents were very strict. I've decided to let my children free.
And that's the home was no discipline. Now, how do you get the young parents understand that
discipline is not the same thing as punishment? When you punish the child? That's not the only form?
A what are some of the things that I could do to discipline the child? And tell me from which age we
could start? Yes, it's a loaded question. I see. I'm sweating. Now, Jemima, you are giving me some
challenging questions. Right. Now the whole issue when you speak about is the teaching process. And
		

			that's important, because when ever your child does something wrong, is an opportunity.
		

			When you punish a child, you are suppressing that you are instilling fear. But it's important to get
to know what was the motivation behind an action, what motivate the child to do whatever he has
done. It's an opportunity to teach some lessons. And once the child internalizes the lesson,
inshallah, he would not repeat those negative things because discipline is essentially, it's about
rewarding good behavior. And secondly, disciplining negative behavior, you cannot ignore it. And
that's important. The other important thing that you asked from what age now there's a point I
mentioned earlier on, that when kids grow up, kids soak in experiences. So when parents themselves
		

			are disciplined, they organize kids.
		

			Look at the parents that got parents are the first peers for the child. And children, Allah has put
the fitrah the innocence of childhood, do whatever he sees the parents doing, especially in the
first seven years of its existence, they soak in experiences. So that is fundamental is thoughts of
parents own self discipline. The other important dynamic, you spoke about the difference between
punishment and discipline, discipline, it's about teaching a child self control, discipline, it's
about controlling your knifes discipline. Some people say comes from the word disciple. Now you find
when children are able, for example, to exercise, self discipline, in your absence, then you are one
		

			as a parent, because what happens when kids do things to appease the parent for the rest of their
life, that means when the pins are not going to be there, the great chance is the parents, kids
themselves will be almost like a animal loose in the, you know, in society. And I think it's
important when kids understand exactly why a parent says this is important to ask this question to
say to the child, okay, fine. You have done this. What Why did you do this
		

			and you'll find there are many ways to discipline the child. A child
		

			of two years old, also has the intellect and the wisdom to learn things, you cannot ignore it. Now
you need to be appropriate. I'm not suggesting that every time your child does something wrong, you
need to be punitive not speaking about it. And it's a big difference between being punitive and also
disciplining.
		

			Successful parents also understand that their behavior and emotions affect their children's behavior
and emotions. So to the environment in the home.
		

			Yes. Now you find that
		

			kids, you know, when they grow up in a, in a particular home environment, you find that many a kid
today can sense the tension at home, because it is very sad. shamima sometimes it is, the angry
father will come home because of the stresses of life and modernity. He comes home, and it's almost,
		

			you know, like a bull. He comes there. He's smiling. The whole of society. His persona, outside is a
loving, endearing one. And when it comes, oh, he gives went to his frustration. And you find that
has a profound impact on the ethos, the tone, the culture tone, the sphere, the same child that is
laughing with the mother, the same mother was smiling with the child suddenly says that is coming
that is coming. The sphere. The environment at home is an environment that sometimes is
claustrophobic. There is a constraint silence, there is intimidation. There are no conversations,
but purely interrogations. I think sometimes that comes from wanting your child to be perfect. You
		

			there's the the new generation that wants to get everything right. You know, they know that their
parents made mistakes, they know that their grandparents made mistakes. How do we get these young
parents to understand that, yes, you going to make mistakes as well, because in their quest to be
these perfect parents, they making bigger mistakes, because they wanting their husband to see that.
This is clean child, he's not crying, he's not having attention. He's not asking for sweets, and
children being children, they'll be the day that the child will have the off day. I've seen two year
old little boys mimic the dad so beautifully, that I've seen two year old little girls mimic the
		

			Mum, absolutely beautifully as well. So what You have taught, you know, you spoke about earlier
where the children are modeling behavior of the parents, we seen that, but how do we get parents to
enjoy the parenting and not just wanting to get it right? You see Alhamdulillah? I'm glad you
mentioned that because it reminds me of something else. I think today, there's so much of focus on
achievement, right? So much of focus on outcome, be not focusing on the process. The Allah judges us
by our effort, not the outcome, you find many at home with the kids behavior is impeccable. And we
asked those parents, how did you do it? He says, No, I did it through Allah's mercy. I always pray
		

			to Allah, I pray for my children. And I have not read any books on parenting. But there are some
things that we believe strongly in our homes and my wife, and I subscribe to that philosophy. And
because our focus is on achievement, we're putting a lot of stress on that. And as a result, we have
forgotten that every kid has different capacities, no two children are the same. And I think that is
very important that we need to enjoy parenting, and we need to enjoy it, you're going to smile,
you're going to laugh, you're not going to be you know, trivial. You're not going to diminish the
self esteem of the children, there's going to be laughter in your home, there'll be a sense of
		

			enjoyment. There'll be a culture of wild the excitement to see the Father, the excitement to see the
mother. And nothing is more gratifying to a child than to see a parents that are happy.
		

			How do you get parents to focus the attention and energy on positive aspects of children's behavior?
Because there is the culture of Don't do that. Don't touch that. How do you change it to do that,
rather than the don't.
		

			Psychologists have said shamima that 85% of parents say things that are negative to the child. And
only 15% that is being said to them is positive. We always say Don't, don't, don't don't, we are not
praising good behavior. In fact, we reprimand them for negative Ba, but we never catch our children
doing good things. And that's very important, very critical. So we need to be very, very positive.
		

			regarding those aspects, and I think, also, that you need to give children what I regard as positive
attributes, you got to give themselves believe, if you are going to say things, for example, you
know what, shamima, you have been an irritation, you are going to never be successful. And what
happens, those words uttered by your parents will lead to a negative self talk. And that self talk
would be a self fulfilling prophecy. So I think it's important for us to be positive, to enjoy the
processes, and in our children, our children, they are going to make mistakes, allow them to make
mistakes, with one particular caveat to provision that they do not repeat the mistake because we are
		

			told as a Muslim, you know, stung by the same old twice.
		

			Successful parents also learn from their children, you know, in this journey of parenting, what can
the parent learn from the child in order to alter your style of parenting? That's the point, you can
only learn from your child. If you listen with your heart, in these empathy, you understand the
stresses of children. I mean, I was shocked to learn, the children of six today are often going
through stressors because of pressure from the parents. And our surprise also, that even if you got
some pets at home, and when there are stressors in the home, the pets that you have also have
stress, and they also need some kind of medication for them to cope with it. So I think many parents
		

			sometimes forgets that his attitude, his anger, his demeanor, really affects children. He assumes
that no the grow out of it, no, they soak in those experiences. And suddenly, you wonder Now, why is
it that this child of mine that was relatively quiet or reticent now gets into tantrums? He seems to
have so much of anger, and what should you do about it? Okay, I want to move on to a scenario now
and I'm going to a very small baby of about six, seven months.
		

			This baby's now realized that if I cry, I'm going to get picked up,
		

			baby, that's your first start of attention. In other words, the baby's realized that if I don't cry,
for the attention, I'm not going to get it. Children are in born.
		

			In order to get food and feel warm, they know they miss crying, the parent knows I must take care of
the child. Now that is right from birth. But now moving on to about a six month old baby, this baby
has now realized that if I'm going to kick my feet and have a cry in order to be carried, Mom's
going to carry me dad's gonna carry me somebody is going to carry me How does this develop a
reaction pattern to misbehavior.
		

			Hiroshima, a parent more than anyone else needs to get to know the child, you need to be vigilant.
Studies have shown shamima that when kids cry, if you suppress those tears, if you reprimand the
child said, Please keep quiet. Or you put in the child's mouth, the pacifier like the dummy. And
what happened, the same kid was not allowed to cry freely, who grew up with tantrums. I think it's
important to distinguish between tears of pain, tears of anxiety, and those other tears that create
a reactive pattern. And and you make a very critical observation, you find that many parents, or
take the kids for a drive will have the chair, the baby chair in the car. And what you do is because
		

			you don't want the child to cry, you give the child treats or something to eat now, and you find
that oh my gosh, the car is in a mess. But you have taught the child something that my parents will
take me to the car, I can get whatever I want. So kids can also begin to manipulate. And often, you
know, especially when they're about two years old, but children may not have the ability to
articulate, they form as you rightly said, is done to rudimentary things is to crime. And you cannot
go to the other extreme of ignoring that because what will happen
		

			the child will not have any belief in the parent because kids in our lives put in them this kind of
innocence, that the smile
		

			that is can be manifest in the child. When the child sees the father mother is something so
beautiful. It's a child can from you know
		

			from crying, suddenly sees a father is happy to see the child and all two Muslim go to the other
extreme that the child is carried all the time, all the time. And as a result, what happens? There's
almost a kind of emotional dependence, there is a kind of physical dependence the child has for the
rest of its life, you know?
		

			Thanks for the answers to that question. It is now you know, little children will push their parents
buttons, how does the parent stay calm, when the buttons are being pushed? Be it a two year old, a
three year old, whatever age a little child, his
		

			parents buttons are pushed when they themselves have a low EQ. Now, EQ is really about being smart
about your emotions, something we'll discuss in great detail. You ought to know whether your buttons
are being pushed, you should know exactly what is your level of that emotion, you got to understand
the child. Because I think it's important that we create a sense of calmness. And also remember that
I'm the adult, so I'm not competing with the child. That's significant. Because the moment you see
yourself in competition, remember, children are children, they are growing up, they're going to
learn how to deal with the emotions, they're going to learn how to deal with the other is about
		

			teaching them about relationship dynamics. So you as a parent needs to model that behavior. Yes,
when your buttons are pushed, when you manifest the debt by being angry, shouting, being short
tempered, what are you doing, you are killing the spirit of the child, you are suppressing that
individualism, and more importantly, the child will never grow up having any kind of confidence,
then you wonder why your child does not talk to you about the challenges he faces much later in his
life. What I found worked with a little child is that when they having that little tension, if you
just change the focus towards something else, either the child's crying for their particular toy, in
		

			a toy store, and all you need to do is change the focus for them to forget that this is what they
are insisting they want. I've seen that work. Rather than stand at a store and say to the child, you
embarrassing me. That is practical wisdom. But also, again, there is a balance, you cannot always do
that. Because kids are the grew up, they realize that being manipulated, they realize it, that
distraction is also important, because a child can be easily distracted. But your distraction must
be done in a very, very positive way. How can a parent anticipate problems as your child's growing
up? You know, there's going to be the times the child's going to plan the full flow and scream and
		

			cry, you know, that child's going to start crying for sweets and cooling can chocolate and ice
cream. You know your child's going to start to play school and pull another child here. What What
can you do to anticipate these problems so that you're not devastated that How could my child have
caused me an embarrassment at play school?
		

			Many a parent, and especially if it is your first child, the point that you made at the
introduction, you need to speak to your own parents, they will tell you exactly the kind of
experiences that you might be exposed to. You need to speak to your friends. And because we'd not
speak to them, we almost create a situation that the challenges you face. You think it's only unique
to you. And and that's my grave concern. My grave concern is that not being a parent reads about
parenting. Not many parents know the Islamic principles of parenting. Not many people know about the
prophetic methodology. And I think it's important, it is imperative that we need to do that. And,
		

			and therefore you anticipate it and one classic example is the whole issue about a preteens and
teenagers and something would not speak to our children about make them understand that they be
going through a phase that's gonna be very challenging and demanding of them and to create some kind
of empathy and understanding.
		

			Now one of the areas of concern for a parent is when a child has tantrums, there's disobedience in
the home, fighting between friends even fighting amongst siblings, arguments in the home and even
power struggle amongst children. Now what up proactive strategies to deal with this, if you can just
give me at least two, two To start with, you know, daily rate guideline to the parents. I think
		

			As parents, as I said early on, you need to see it through the child's perspective. And the moment
it's a power struggle, it becomes a problematic the moment it becomes like, I'm gonna, I'm the
winner, the child must be the loser. Or in this when the child feels that the parent themselves is
chastising me, right. So there has to be the time where you allow the child to win as well,
absolutely. And what happens is this, that some children grow up and say, You know what, my dad
never saw it from my perspective. And they find they've been cheated. I recall that I was dealing
once with a few siblings, and all of them were professional people. And they had some dynamics in
		

			that relationship. And the mother was also at that meeting, and I got a shock of my life and one of
the siblings turn to the mother. Now, the sibling is a mother, she's a professional person, to say
to a mummy, you never liked me. The mother got a shock of her life. And also, I noticed that you
look at your other grandchildren, but you don't have a relationship, my own child. And she was quite
hysterical, the girl and the mother got a shock of her life. And I thought I'm dealing with the
dynamic amongst the siblings. So I think it's important that parents need to understand how they are
perceived by the children, their perception is their reality. So I think it's important to be
		

			observant, it's important for you to listen. And you'll find that when a child says But Dad, you
never, ever listened to me. You always say that Fatima is right. Fatima is right. And I'm never
right.
		

			How do you not let misbehavior on the part of your child, prevent you from enjoying them, you know,
you get so caught up in the naughtiness that you forget to enjoy them. If you can just give me some
strategy on how a parent can still make sure that they enjoying the child. Okay, this is
fundamental. Now, you and I know that kids wouldn't misbehave. And you need to be very circumspect
in terms of how you react to each of this. Now, if you're going to allow it to impact on the child,
and begin to almost despise the child, you know, we are reminded by Nabi sallallahu, wasallam to
despise the action and not the individual. And I think that's important because the worst thing
		

			ever, is when there is a degree of animosity, a degree of acrimony, when the relationship becomes
adversarial, and these this kind of deep resentment, and this deep resentment can impact on the
child's behavior and attitude. And sometimes the child would behave in such a way to exert some kind
of revenge. The parent can say to the child, I love you, but I don't like what you've just done.
Absolutely. Now, just one last bit on this whole idea we've been talking about.
		

			What about having a sense of humor and laughing and giggling with your little baby? You know what,
Sameera?
		

			I've heard very few people give a talk about Nabi sallallahu, wasallam and his sense of humor. And
they were Sahaba amongst him that added tremendous sense of humor. And the notion we have, that if
you are a Muslim, that you must walk around as if you're constipated. I want to be Salah loudly.
Islam is always smile. He had a sense of humor. And he had that this notion is that you got to be
unhappy. This is Islam, you know, brothers, Islam, we walk around with that kind of extreme view.
And we see this haram haram brothers Haram, everything is haram. Now, that's not the notion of
Islam. I'm not saying these latitude, in that sense, but I think it's important to share with kids
		

			what is allowed to, to laugh, to giggle to wrestle with them to run. And if you look at if you
haven't profound understanding of Nabi sallallahu, wasallam none of his wives for example, feared
him, his kids loved him, the kids of Medina enjoyed him. And he showed empathy and a deep, deep
understanding, let us rekindle that love Let us understand who this beautiful prophet of Allah was
the best of our last creation. So to conclude, we are saying that successful parents know how to
appreciate their children, even when they are misbehaving. And most importantly, successful parents
are open to change, and willing to listen to their children and to listen to what's happening from
		

			the child's perspective. That's, I think, an appropriate conclusion to the first CD, the idea of
winning, to listen, willing to listen with your heart, with your mind understanding the context
		

			Understanding your child and most importantly, understanding yourself.