Edris Khamissa – Marriage Counselling

			Salam aleikum, viewers at home welcome back. I'm sure you had a very refreshing break. Now we're
going to be tapping into marriage counseling. What is it about? Do we need it? How do you know when
you need it? Well, we have a special guest. Idris camisa, who will be helping us answer or rather
best answer our questions regarding marriage and marriage counseling As Salam aleikum Idris Welcome
to prime line, while he comes Salam wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Now, you know, for marriage
counseling to happen, you know, there's this notion that you need to be married first. Is that true?
No. In fact, I would argue, and we have written a book on premarital counseling, I think people
		

			normally have a romantic notion of marriage, they do not understand the prosaic reality, that you're
gonna go through tensions. And it's about
		

			disagreeing without being disagreeable. It's about understanding the dynamics of relationships, to
know people come from diverse backgrounds. And it's so critical in the initial years, to understand
each other, what makes her laugh, what makes her cry, what motivates her or him, and the ability to
talk, and to listen with empathy. So I would argue that we need to have premarital counseling, I
feel it should be mandatory. In fact, I've told scholars that they must not perform in the car until
the couples have gone through that process. But you find today, young people say Daddy, no, I want
to marry her. I'm in love Daddy, I'm in love this my bed bear your name. Say all those things. And,
		

			and parents, you know, through coercion or whatever they given to that and the same couple within
three months. Say, Daddy, I should have listened to you, you know, and it is something that we need
to look at. So I would argue that premarital counseling should is a must. And in fact, one of the
things that I do is the fact when couples want to get married, again, them 100 questions, you need
to ask each other. Now you may say 100 questions, perhaps you look at those 100 questions and say,
You know what? For me, I think there's 90 questions I can compromise. But these 10 It is
fundamental. My wife and I or my future husband and I need to be like minded. Otherwise, you're
		

			going to have issues you know. Now, as a marriage counselor, probably you've dealt with probably at
this point, I can mention three phases, a phase where somebody is able to come for premarital
counseling, a phase where somebody found themselves married, decades down the line in the on the
brink of a divorce. And it's like, now they're going into marriage counseling. And then you get
others who feel like okay, it's not always that you have to wait for like, you know, treat something
rather treat like something sometimes find that, like, find a cure without the need of being
diagnosed with something you get those with those mentalities. In your experience? How have you
		

			dealt with those three phases? One is someone who comes for pre marital marriage counseling, the one
who's on the brink of divorce, and others who feel like you know what, just because it's good
doesn't mean doesn't need fixing. In fact, when people come to me for premarital counseling,
		

			the question I asked them is, before I talk to you, what is your biggest concern about your future
partner? What is it? And that is very revealing. Sometimes suddenly, they say, You know what, I'm
concerned about the temperament of this person. They have anger issues. I say, Listen, that needs to
be sorted out before you marry. Because anger is a very dangerous weapon. In the words could hurt.
There could be snarling words or petty words, right? They could damage you forever. Right? And the
person might say, You know what, I'm only anxious about marriage. I think he and I, we have this
chemistry. I said, anxiety is okay. It's not an issue. And what I would do, then I would meet the
		

			mum and dad of the respective couples, I'll share with them what my observation is, in fact, not
Zana just wrote a book is called pre marital conversations and beyond. People have found it quite
didactic and instructive, right. So that's the first write. The second is when people have issues.
One recommendation I always make you do not go to a counselor when you begin to despise each other.
When you have become so toxic, and that is problematic. It's very difficult, not impossible, to turn
it around to transform that. In fact, I argue that when couples come to you, we should not put a
lesser plus, we need to look at the underlying reasons why this has happened. You know, the four bed
		

			signs in a marriage is when there is contempt, disdain, stonewalling, you know and defensiveness.
That's a very
		

			At bedtime, right? So I would recommend one of the things that I would recommend, from the earliest
time of your marriage, I say to you and the person I said, you know, what, have a romantic dinner at
least once a week and talk about what went well celebrate that. And also share, what is some of your
concerns. And that way, what happens? It can be cathartic, but it's healing, but you are rectifying
things as you're going along. But if you leave it, and you ignore it, if you sweep it under the
carpet, the same issues could be a recurring nightmare. And because we're self made separation,
right. The other issue is, you know, in terms of those couples who feel, sometimes you know what, I
		

			don't think it helps go into someone else. It does help you know why. Because sometimes, if you're a
dominating person in the marriage, your spouse may feel intimidated,
		

			may not express everything. And with the counselor with an objective voice, sometimes that person is
comfortable. And that objective voice can give this people perspective. And you know what, I've
learned one thing, you know, that when you're counseling, you got to counsel both people, it takes
two people to make a happy home. It takes two people to make a sad home. And I really believe that
the many divorces have taken place, they ought to have gone for intervention. And you know what, as
I said, I'm not here to put a Leicester Plus, I'm here for them to celebrate and make the life
ahead, the best years of their life, you know, speaking on divorce, I mean, if we were to speak
		

			stats, I think divorces are like rapidly occurring, where as you go to Africa, you'll hear Auntie's
here on the side saying, well, let's see how long it lasts. That's the conversation that's
normalized within communities. Now, when we speak of challenges in a marriage, is it there? Because
now we're seeing these divorces? Is marriage a challenge or it's the people in this union that poses
a challenge, ultimately resulting in divorces do in fact, you'll find that without, you know, being
facetious, or making an indictment on young people, I really believe many young people because some
of them grew up at the time of instant gratification, getting whatever they want, whenever they want
		

			to, did not know how to negotiate, how to persevere, to understand what is delayed gratification, to
have a reciprocal understanding of the other, it's often about yourself, your self absorbed is me,
myself, I write, there's one issue. The second issue is about communication. You find, you know, and
I would recommend this, you know, you know, Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a very
romantic husband, in fact, on to write a book, a very romantic husband, he was expressive, and he
was, you know, he showed affection. In fact, when couples come to me, and they say to me, please,
you know, we're going to get married next week. Give me us give us advice. So I'll tell the man I
		

			want you to be as romantic as possible. Make your wife the senior share the epicenter of your life
be romantic bakery says Happy right here and be excited, you know, we have become ready with is a
cultural impediment or not become home, we are so preoccupied that you forget the person waiting for
you, right. The second important thing that I always recommend is to understand the other to
understand the other that we are perhaps different individuals. Now, the there are many, many
reasons for divorces. Right? The critical thing for me is the lack of affection. The other aspect is
the four major reasons that have been cited globally is the overzealousness of the in laws
		

			interfering in law. What did you cook today? My husband my son likes the food this way what Oh,
right one, the other one is issue of money is also a very big issue. The third issue is infidelity.
And the fourth issue is of course, you know issues of drugs, whatever. Now when it comes to
infidelity now I'm to share with you a statistic that is quite revealing 75% of people who celebrate
who separated because of infidelity regretted it. They said you know what? That was an aberration.
He was gently a good person, he made a mistake. So forgiveness is important. The other important
aspect is living consciously and with intentionality. Your home must not be a graveyard, is a place
		

			that there is love. There is affection, so, so the to the men, I would say, be romantic and loving
to the woman what I would say to her, I said, give your man respect
		

			and respect his family, he'll die for you. You know, that's that one particular difference. The
other important aspect reasons for divorce, of course, is, you know, besides infidelity issues or
drugs, issues of * addiction, the other important aspect is when a partner doesn't
fulfill their responsibility. And sometimes you find, without passing judgment, lots of men are
masculine, did you know they are normal, that that the man, you know, I mean, a person of courage, a
person that is confident, a protector of the woman, you understand? So there are different dynamics,
each one is unique in its own way, you know, now a lot of people speak on, you know, youth is a
		

			sense of that notion that we have options in terms of our social media access when we interact with
opposite *. And then you have the as you highlighted family, and then there's also financial
obstacles, how does one then overcome them? Do you have to identify them for what it is to best
overcome them, or there is a way of overcoming them? I think you see, an important thing is this, I
say that the adults live in one world, and the youth. In another world, the youth live in a virtual
world, they're more concerned about the likes from people that don't even know it's about image and
image in a while. So it is important, but the critical thing is not your image is about who you are
		

			as an individual. So I think what is important is this, then say an apple doesn't fall too far from
the tree, right? So it's very, very important for the mom and dad to be those role models. And to
show Yes, Mommy and I can disagree, but we never rude to each other. We are respectful to each
other, you understand. And she's I accept her point of view, right? The other important aspect is
this, that we do not have enough conversations with our children, we do not understand the
experiential world for our children. And therefore you find today, it's very, very sad. And I say
it, you know, and without being a prophet of doom, that I say that the OMA is bleeding, our homes
		

			are become dysfunctional. Our youth, many of them are rudderless. Our fathers are no more the people
of moral authority, as it were. And you write that there are so many divorces, in fact, unbeknown to
people, when I go for a Nikka, and are often chosen as a guest speaker, they got good taste, they
choose me, besides my looks and everything else, you know, I mean, they say camisa. So when I go
there, I would shed a tear. Let's say Allah helped this marriage, you know, and you know, what, in
the end, you know, it reminds me
		

			of a story yourself gathering the same image on the top right? For me, I don't need time required
talent.
		

			You know, in fact, this couple went to this fortune teller, and they asked her for this, listen,
Carolina, you're gonna get married, right? She says, Well, that's good. Tell us how you see our
future as well, for the first 30 years of your marriage, you're going to be unhappy. There. He says,
What happens after that, he said, You get used to it. And that's the point. We have gotten use to
toxic relationships. We need to assert ourselves, you know, we need to assert ourselves. And Gone
are the days you cannot tell a woman or a man who is going through an oppressive relationship, to
tell him, you know, forgive and be patient make supper, you got to give them solutions. You got to
		

			help them sometimes our parents, you know, sadly, we aid and abet our children to do the wrong
things, you know, and, and it's important, you know, to listen to both perspectives, you know, now,
Mr. camisa, you have a conference that we're going on on the fourth of December. Can you just tell
us a bit about that, just that our viewers are more engaged and probably attend this conference in
question. Let me give a little background about the conference. I've been involved with a number of
these conferences, different parts of the world, right, Malaysia, Africa, in the UK, and twice in
South Africa. And I was drawn to it when the organizer is a friend of mine sajit from the UK,
		

			invited me for the conferences and I had the good fortune of sharing the platform with Sheikh Omar
Solomon and others. It was really a wow factor. When I saw how beautifully and professionally it was
done, and I saw how dynamic it was done, that each speaker was given a brief right and you are so
inspirational, how it brought the families together, there are different kinds of programs you also
have sold seekers and people looking for partners in the relationship right. All of these things
have taken place. And then you the question to be asked is who should attend. I say to everyone,
even though you are happy, learn the other skill. So you could teach even if you're ahead
		

			RPC how you could up your game and continue to improve. And if you're a young person looking for a
spouse, it's an opportunity for you to go there an opportunity to listen to dynamic speakers from
different parts of the world who speak to you, not in a patronizing way, or pontificate in a way
that is uplifting and right. And it's taking place December 4, at the convention center in Cape
Town. And we are so excited. I've come here for three days to
		

			Johannesburg, and I'm so excited, you know why I'm so excited, I would like to control me.
		

			Oh, me, I'm so excited. Because I an ex prime, right you watching at the moment is going to be one
of our partners. And I know, we're going to share with you all the promotional material. And I must
commend both of you, I was watching both of your I like the ambience or like the synergy there. And
you're doing great work. So my brothers and sisters, December the fourth,
		

			fourth, and you have an opportunity of transforming your marriage, just give you one little example,
one of our speakers is going to be Maryam Lemo, from Nigeria, or she's brilliant, and hella bananas
from America. And so hello, banana was telling me that when she was in South Africa, she was doing,
she did a presentation. And after a presentation, a lady came to her and said, you know, sister,
today was a day I was going to leave my husband, your talk touched my heart so much. It has
rekindled my passion for him. And for the institution of marriage. You know what I'm saying? So it
is not there just for for a function to you know, get the numbers is far from it. And if I was not
		

			involved in counseling, if I do not know, the condition of the community, I would not sacrifice my
time. Right now I'm not getting paid for this right to promote these programs. And I have no doubt
it will be transformational. Long as you come there with an open heart. You know, Mr. camisa, you a
lot of things motivational speaker, you teach you you empower the youth as a marriage counselor on
that note, what is your closing commentary? My closing commentary is this. I think as adults must
promote the institution of marriage, we owe it to our children, we owe it to our youth. And also I
think schools madrasahs need to speak about it. Need to speak about the joys of marriage do not
		

			allow the frightening statistics of divorces to impact on you. In fact, today companies have realize
business companies, if my staff are happy at home, they're far more productive at all, you know, in
the workplace. And I'll also say to people happiness is self inflicted and not created by this. If
you're not a happy person, you cannot make someone else happy. If you'd not love yourself, you
cannot love other people. Does that tell us so much for joining us. Inshallah we'll see you on the
fourth of December inshallah. Next time, I'll send you autographed. Oh
		

			thank you so much. It was such a joy interacting with your guys. Okay, keep well, and you'll see me
more often. And I don't want to be a recurring nightmare. But thanks, viewers at home that would
that was it is camisa speaking on marriage Now you heard him. Now happiness is self inflicted. Don't
wait for other people to create a version of what your happiness should be. On that note, we'll take
an eight bit ad break. We'll be back just after this