Bilal Dannoun – Finding the Perfect Partner

			Li
		

			Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah and welcome to living Muslim. May Allah subhanho wa Taala reward you
all for joining us. Today we're speaking about marriage and as marriage plays a very big role in the
life of every single believer. We're here today to ask the question, what is the Hillel wedding? And
how can I have a halal certified wedding? Joining me today in the studio is my very special friend
and our very D guest chef Bilal Dunoon, who was also known on the streets as the love doctor Chef
vilella. salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah and thank you so very much for joining us, when it comes
Salama kettle and Jessica, mala halen, for having me on your show, Jeff, I feel I feel very special.
		

			I'm falling in love all over again, just having you here. It's a real, it's a it's a real honor to
have you share her marriage is a real big thing. And the wedding is a really big thing. But before
we go to the wedding, I wanted to ask, what are the some of the things one should look for when
they're looking for a partner when they're looking for a spouse? What are some of the high level
things that people should be looking for? Absolutely, it's, it's very important that you are in a
very healthy marriage, you don't want to end up in a toxic marriage, because that's going to have a
ripple effect, it's going to affect every other part of your life is going to, it's going to accept
		

			affect your emotional state, it's going to affect your physical state, it's going to affect your
career. So you do want to be married to the right person. And you do want to do your due diligence
or in other words, do your homework, making sure that you are marrying a person who's going to give
you that happiness and that fulfillment that you're looking for, in your future. Somebody that, you
know, if Allah is to bless you with children, you can say I honestly would love for my children to
be like that person. So it is really, really important that you invest time, money, whatever it is,
that's going to ensure that you're going to marry somebody who is a triple m, triple m a triple m,
		

			that's right. A triple M is light in Russia, okay? This is like, This stands for Muslim marriage
material. Okay? You want somebody seriously that, that is really going to make you feel good about
you, you know, somebody that that is going to be your number one fan that you actually truly feel
that that person is my number one fan. Gosh, this is too much man, do these people really exist?
Absolutely, absolutely. But you just need to do your homework. I mean, let's think about it, brother
hubless. I mean,
		

			you know, we before we get into any career, we go to university, we go to school, we go to
university, we go to college, we go to tape, so panela any any sort of work that you want to do any
sort of career that you want to take that you ensure that you do your homework that you you get some
training, you do some courses, and marriages, no difference in this day and age whereby,
unfortunately, I know in the Western world, 50% 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Well, and these
are people who, you know, who were very, very happy, you know, once upon a time, and then so and
then they end up in divorce. And that can be quite devastating in many ways. How much should one
		

			investigate? Or how high should the bar be? I know, sometimes people the criteria is so high, they
never end up finding a partner. I think you need to be reasonable in your expectations. Generally
speaking, the older you get the more pickier you become how high? Well, there's a saying that Subhan
Allah that I endorse, and that is
		

			prior to marriage, open up your eyes. 100% look for absolutely everything, ask all the questions
that are important to you. But after marriage, close your eyes 50% because none of us are perfect.
And a perfect marriage really is about two imperfect people that never give up on each other. So
it's all about asking the right questions, asking, you know, asking, you know, having maybe a short
list for yourself, knowing what you want. And as the saying goes.
		

			If you don't know what you want, you're going to get what you don't want.
		

			You with me? Yeah, you know, so you know, you want to make sure that that you are marrying that you
put down even if you have to put it on a piece of paper. And take a note of the things that you do
want and ask yourself, does this person meet the things that I really want in, in a marriage? But
when it comes to engagement, what is the Islamic perspective of engagement? And how long should one
be engaged for an engagement in Arabic is as known as the hip but not to be mistaken for the in a
hot bath which is a sermon.
		

			So the hits, but the engagement is whereby somebody a suitor, and then a boy, you know, who's ready
to get married has come forward and asked for a woman's hand. And there's been an acceptance on the
part of the woman and her family.
		

			Once there is an acceptance that yes, we accept you to be in the process of now getting ready and
getting to know our daughter, and then there is a marriage after that, then Subhanallah that
actually is the engagement period and in during this period, the No, no other suitor can come along
and ask for her hand. So that's what engaged means. So is that like, it's all put on hold? Yeah,
absolutely. And she, and she can call it off, and he can call it off. As soon as there are some red
flags, there might be some red flags, and either one of them or both of them, and they decided
they're not compatible. And it's really important that just because you've made that commitment,
		

			just because you've gotten engaged, it doesn't mean that you need to follow through, it doesn't mean
that you have to That's it, follow through with this marriage, if you feel that you're not yourself
around that person, if you don't feel comfortable. So there's no religious obligation, as in that
there is no it's a very informal, it's a formal but informal agreement agreement at the same time,
whereby, hey, this woman has been spoken of. So everybody back off, you know, that we're not, we're
not accepting any more, you know, door knocking, so to speak, okay? And, and then until either she
breaks it off, or he breaks it off. Because you do find that, and I've come across, you know, a few
		

			of these scenarios where, you know, I'll come across a young guy who's really stressed out, and
they'll say, you know, what's going on, and he's having some issues with his fiance, I guess, if you
like, that's right.
		

			But I cannot I feel that he feels that he's religiously obliged to marry her, simply because they're
now engaged. So I think going back to what you were saying that you don't necessarily have to go
through, rather, the engagement is a period to see, will this work out? Absolutely not? Absolutely.
because how else are you going to get to know her from an Islamic perspective, and you're not
allowed to be alone with her, you know, alone, you know, with with the opposite gender. So yes, the
engagement period allows you to get to know this person. And you can ask all the questions that you
want pertaining to your goals, your vision, your objectives. And you did ask a question earlier, it
		

			How long should you be engaged for Islam did not specify a period of engagement. So as long as it
takes to know that this person is the right person, as long as it takes for you to be maybe
financially ready, okay. So there isn't a minimum number of, you know, days, weeks month, what have
you. But then again, you don't want to be prolonging the process too long, as soon as you have
determined and found that you know what this person is right for me, Chef, I just want to go back
very quickly, you said something that
		

			that engagement is a period where either the man or the woman can turn around and say, Look, this is
not going to work. Now you do tend to find, unfortunately, you know, in our community that there is
a big stigma for the woman, where you know, she doesn't want to go ahead with it, she's maybe not
happy with the person, it almost becomes impossible for her to sort of speak up, what is the best
way for a woman to turn around and say, Look, this is not going to happen? Is this something that
she has to say directly to the, to the young men? Or? Or does she tell her father and then her
father deals with it, whatever is going to be the best outcome for her with it. And it may be it may
		

			be in her best interest to go through her father and say, Dad, look, things aren't really looking
too good for this for this gentleman. And I'd like you to speak to him and tell him Look, that we've
now we're pulling the plug in, in in the best possible way. And, and it's about accepting, and it's
about moving on. And and and there's no hard feelings, usually no hard feelings, there shouldn't be
any hard feel. Because again, you know, unfortunately, you do find that, you know, when an
engagement doesn't work out, you do find that there is some bitterness, this family will no longer
speak to this family anymore. And you know, it's like this really big. But I mean, from what you're
		

			saying, one should just let it go and move on. Absolutely short term pain is better than long term
pain. So you want to cut your losses, you want to basically you don't want to enter into a marriage,
and then you're going to have to go through all the expenses. And, and, and and what comes, you
know, with getting married and emotions and all of that and building all of that up and then and
then saying, You know what? I never really wanted to be in this in the beginning. Well, why didn't
you say something? Yeah, I think you need to be brave. I think couples in a fiance's need to be
brave and say look, you know, I don't think you are right for me. I you're an excellent person. I
		

			mean, you can have two beautiful people but they're just not compatible. Yeah. compatibility.
		

			is very is something that the scholars of Islam have spoken about. And that compatibility is
something that you will find out by discussing and having a dialogue about, you know, what it what
is it that you know, that you really are looking for? In your marriage in your future? Okay, so I've
chosen my partner, we've got engaged, we're happy, we're gonna go ahead with it. Excellent. Now
where to from here?
		

			You know, islamically? What's the difference between a kk get proctored? Right? And the wedding? Is
there a difference between the two? is absolutely the the kk as you called it, or the cat * tab,
also known formerly as the kneecap, okay, then the cat is the contract itself, the marriage contract
itself, right? So islamically? Is that the word?
		

			Only? I don't know if the word the word wedding is correct. But once I do that, are we islamically
married as islamically? You are, but there may be some conditions, there may be some conditions
whereby, okay, we've engaged in a in an Islamic contract, and then the care her Islamic contract
means that there are there is the, you know, the Wali who is usually the father, if he's still
around, you know, if he's not around, it could be her brother to represent her and then it needs to
be some representation for for the woman, be it the father, be it the brother beat, the grandfather
beat the paternal uncle, be it, you know, she could be a divorcee. And it could be her son. Okay, if
		

			there's nobody to be her when he then it becomes the mmm or the chef or the celebrant, right? There
has to be two Muslim male witnesses, there has to be a dowry or a Dao that's written down in the
contract. So it's quite a serious engagement here. It's a formal, it's a formal contract. Now what
happens?
		

			Everybody's going to do a little bit differently, some people will, will have this contract done and
they will have an actual party or a celebration of some sort. And then they just move out. That's
it. It's done. That's really it's a combo. I think, you know, where exactly you know you do your
cake a, you have a little bit of a ceremony and that ceremony, by the way, is known as the William
the William it is the wedding feast or the banquet. And this is also part of Islam. It's a sonet to
have a banquet. It's a Sunnah. And actually, according to some scholars, it's actually obligatory to
publicly announce and declare that you're getting married in a marriage shouldn't be some secretive
		

			thing that you know, that you do. And this reminds me of the Hadith that's found in Bukhari Hadith
of the companion Abdullah bin outh. He came from from Mecca to Medina and then when he was in
Medina, Subhana Allah he was actually offered somebody one of the unsired or the one who was a very
rich man, there was a there was a man in from amongst the onside he offered he actually got offered
one of his two wives back then they had you know, when the Muslims came to Medina, they had nobody
and this man said, Look, choose one of my wife's off divorce and you can marry her after her head
and say this man Abdurahman in half He said, No, no, no, I just want to go to the marketplace he
		

			goes to the marketplace and he works for a few days and then you know, it comes back and says the
prophet SAW Selim and and he's got this you know, yellow, yellow dust on him, you know in the scent.
And the prophet SAW Selim says to him
		

			Did you get married because it was a cultural thing that you you'd apply you'd cake on this this
descent you know I mean, you know you can just like every groom you know puts on his you know, his
best Chanel yeah you know, whether it's what is it I Chanel or
		

			whatever it is that you put on
		

			some panel so when that when the process of him he realized he realized that he had it on he goes,
did you get married so you got married? He said What did you give her as a gift? He said I gave her
some gold equivalent to the weight I think it was of a date or the date seed and then the process I
sell him he said he said to him, Olin well I will be sure that give a wedding banquet or a wedding
feast even if it's a sheep so that's that that's the actual the Islamic way that's the actual face
now. So some people will do all together at once in some cultures they will do the kk as you said
first and then they will actually do the winning face maybe they might even do that month down the
		

			track. Because what see once you now islamically have gone into kk you can actually you know hold
hands be alone go out and about you want to choose your furniture, you want to go to different
receptions What have you so one can do his kk
		

			and delay, say having his walima absent some time. So to maybe give a scenario maybe one you know
he's got an engaged he likes his partner she likes her partner. There's really no reason for them to
not get married, but they may be cannot afford to say let's say move out at the time. So they may do
their kk then just to make all of them
		

			The interactions Hillel absolutely and then maybe not move out into some time later where they may
do a will Lima whatever it is six months or even a year down the track, this is fine. That's right.
And some people some people might might do their kk for example today and then they will Lima
tomorrow. Or they might do you know, far apart so it all works. Okay. But there's no there's no
restriction. There's no hard and fast rule. But but the hard and fast rule is to be married there
are certain requirements that you have to meet according to Islamic Sharia. Okay, and the sun there
to celebrate your kk on your nikka is something called a willing a wedding or the wedding chef, the
		

			golden question, what is a Halloween wedding? Or what is the ideal Halloween wedding? Well, I guess,
what were some thoughts? I guess what we have to Yeah, I guess what we have to keep in mind here is
the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala always, always building out. Our found are found having strong
foundations in everything that we do. Okay. And so, the same applies with a wedding with a wedding,
you got to have like strong foundations. You don't want to build your marriage, on weak foundations
on displacing a lot. Okay? You don't want to be doing things that bring about the anger of Allah at
the end of the day. Who's going to bless your wedding. Lord, Allah subhanaw taala. Who's going to
		

			bless your wealth? Allah subhanaw taala, who's going to bless you with children? Allah subhanho wa
Taala. So we need to keep the end in mind always. So you don't want to get off the wrong foot. You
don't want to do that. I mean, you know, we don't we don't want to go to the details now of you
know, Muslims, generally speaking, they know what's highlighted. And they know it's Haram. As a
professor Selim said Hillel is clear. And Haram is clear. Yeah, there are some doubtful matters. And
when you are in doubt, ask in a pick up the phone call, call your local Imam or your chef, you know,
pick up the phone or go to the nest, you go to the Islamic Center, ask, Hey, I'm about to perform in
		

			a wedding. And I really want to please Allah subhanaw taala because I want him to bless my marriage.
Like I want to be in a blessed marriage. You know, when you get married, as you know, Brother
hubless, that when you get married, that you completing half of your faith half of your deen so you
know, you do want to start
		

			the biggest acts of a bear that you will probably.
		

			And that's what the process sent him said, he said when the servant of Allah marries by doing so he
perfects half of his Deen half of his religion, because there's a lot of things you cannot implement
in the in till you get married. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely love the fact that you now that you are
married, that you're responsible for your wife, you're responsible for, you know, your children,
that the wife is also responsible towards her husband and her family. So an Islamic an ideal Islamic
wedding is one whereby, you know, there is a feast, okay? You have invited your friends, you're not
you're not and you're not restricting it to a certain cohort or group of people. So I'm only
		

			inviting my rich friends, for example, because you know, they're going to bring me the good gifts,
you're there, no flowers, no gifts.
		

			You know, we've ordered those gift cards everywhere. You know what I mean? But, but you know, we
want to invite everybody and we and we want to maintain that unity in the community and invite even
you know, with Muslims, inviting non Muslims to our wedding. So they can see I've conducted many
marriages, where there are non Muslims that are present. And they say, Wow, that was interesting. We
never, we never, we never knew this, we learnt a lot today from this experience. So this experience,
this wedding experience that you have,
		

			and we're talking here about when and where in Australia, we're living in the West, you know, it's
so important for the west to see our true colors. Who are we, you know, how do we celebrate? How do
we celebrate, you know, and, and, and, and, and I think there's, there's a lot, there's a lot that
they can learn that is a form of power in and of itself, you know, because the celebrant, usually
we'll talk about, you know, beautiful things related to love marriage, the husband's rights, the
wife's rights, the duties, how to maintain a very, very healthy marriage. And when people hear that
and they go, Wow, we had a different image of Islam and marriages and and we get I get it all the
		

			time, you know, people non Muslims coming up to me, Hey, you know, we never knew that. We didn't
want to really expecting that we didn't know what to expect, you know, so Well, look, we are we are
out of time. I really would like to thank you for coming in my last part Allah reward you, brothers
and sisters, I guess there you have it, you know, marriage is a big thing. So please do take the
time to think about who you're going to marry. And I think the golden rule here is, no one can sort
of really tell you how to have your wedding and what you should and what you shouldn't do. But I
think the golden principle is always ask yourself, would Allah be pleased with my gathering? Yeah.
		

			So ask yourself, you know, at my wedding, if the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was to
come as a guest, would he be pleased with this gathering? Would he be pleased with what's happening
there? And I think that is the magic.
		

			Hillel wedding, right? So if you want to make your you know if you want to make your wedding
definitely halal certified, ask yourself will the Prophet smile If you came to this place? Or would
he frown? We ask Allah Subhana Allah to bless all of our marriages to bless all of our weddings to
make them as halal as possible. Once again, Chef, thank you so very much for coming in and up until
next time assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa