Ahmad Saleem – Understanding The Psychology of Your Teenagers
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses how their child was ignored and ignored in a strange number, leading to a problem between her father and her daughter. They emphasize the importance of parenting for children during Christmas, and emphasize the need for boundaries and avoiding the "by default" approach to parenting. The speaker also emphasizes the importance of providing support and guidance for children, particularly for teenagers. Additionally, the speaker emphasizes the need for parents to provide safety and support for children in parenting.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah Nura,
Nura.
Just a few weeks weeks back at 9:45pm, at night, I started getting
a phone call from one particular number. Again and again and again,
I started getting a phone call at 945 from a number that is a strange number. And I ignored it the first time, the second, the third and the fifth. And finally, I decided that I will pick up the call, it must be something urgent.
And a father on the other side
tells me that
my daughter has decided Allah help her that she is no longer interested in Islam.
And she finds Christianity as the true religion.
Because how women are treated in Christianity.
And this mind you this person said to me that his daughter has gone through the entire system of Islamic schools entirety all the way until grade 12.
And in grade 12, she was exposed to the public school system. And that's where this problem happened.
And on my communication with the Father, I recognized that there was a massive gap between what the needs of that girl was, and what were the father in all good intention. And the mother with all good intention we're trying to provide.
The when I asked, What was the source of this, when did this problem started, they said was started about, you know, one year, year and a half ago, when she was still in Islamic schools.
And I said to him, then what did you do? And they said, Oh, we went and we picked up some books on Islam from a bookstore. Namely, some things related to Shirahama deedat Rahim Allah Who Ramadan once, yeah. And we gave it to her in terms of proving why this is the right religion, and that is the right religion. And then we watched a whole bunch of videos together, and so on and so forth.
During my conversation with him, he also explained to me that his wife is going through cancer, and you know, may Allah cure her. And she was going through some difficult time. And I took the opportunity to explain to her that, you know, when you got the news that your wife was sick, did you guys go to chapters, or indigo and picked up a book on cancer, and let's watch a couple of YouTube videos on cancer and let's cure this woman's cancer.
We don't do that with physical ailments.
But we feel very much entitled
that I can just do that with somebody's Iman, no problem. I'm fully qualified to answer this.
And more importantly, the disconnect between the need and the requirement that she needed and the answers she needed.
And the answers that she was given only propelled her further
and distanced her further from faith.
And then that led to us and Mike, my experience that I've been having, in the same Masjid Hall every Saturday morning at 930 are on 3434 teenagers from this community, and listening to their journals, because I have promised them that I will not expose anything that they write to me in the journals. But if you only read their journals, it's very, very, very clear to any an average person, that we have a massive disconnect, and a huge gap in how we parent our children.
Huge things that they describe, yes, there is an exaggeration, but there are 34 of them. And when I read the journals, and 18 of them have the same problem with their father, there is something there that we need to address.
And because of that, we started these communications with Shahar bridge and the board over here. And you know, we have decided that we will do like a parent workshop on December 24 over here and open panel discussion and an intensive workshop on parenting for parents so that during the day of Christmas, when ellebra everyone is celebrating their Christmas, we're discussing how we can celebrate our children together in sha Allah and that will take place in this mosque. You'll hear a little bit more about it. What I wanted to do today was show you a little bit of the glimpse of what I will be covering in that workshop so that you know we're able to walk away with some benefit
today.
Those of you that cannot attend, but those of you that can attend that you will benefit. Inshallah, first we need to understand that, you know Dr. Haim good not who's a psychologist for, you know, education psychologist, he's written very interesting books, the parent and the child, the parent and the teacher, and he has a beautiful book called the parent and the teenager, it's like almost a reference manual, you can, you have to purchase it for four or $500, but you can access it in your local library for free. He says something in there so powerful, he says, as parents, our need is to be needed by our children.
As parents, my need is that I get significance from my child, that I have spent so much money, and the mother has gone through so much pain
to bring them in this world.
So I am in need of significance from that child.
That teenager,
and the teenagers need is not to be in need of you.
That teenager does not want anything to do with you.
That his need, because he's trying to establish himself, like you in this world without your shadow.
And that's where the CLR takes place.
I want How dare you buy a jacket without my permission?
One of the Fathers said in that journal.
You know, the child decided to go and pick up a jacket and the color that they wanted and choose and stuff came home, the father cut the jacket with the scissors on this premise. How dare you buy a jacket without my permission? My brothers and sisters, this is all happening in our houses. Let's not consider this. Oh, it's you know, like, it is our dirty laundry. And we all know it each one of us Noid. And if it's not happening in your house, you know houses in which this is happening.
Their need is they don't want to be no, they don't want any need from you.
And that is always that battle that takes place. So in the basic sense, the child when they become teenager, or let's see the word actual word that is used in psychologies, adolescence, right, right around 1011. They start happening, and there's a journey of adulthood. And there are three stages of adolescence that they go through. And from 1112, until late 17, sometimes early 1617 1718, they stabilize. And if you can withstand
these 50, these five to six years of transformation with your child, without chastising him without blaming him,
then you will have a very fruitful relation with your children in the future Insha Allah, but oftentimes we lose it. So the first thing that you're going to understand from the teenage psychology is they're going to become sensitive.
There's an epidemic. We're all worried about a pandemic, but there's an epidemic amongst the teenage specifically teenage girls, Muslims included.
And that is related to self harm.
Because they're so highly sensitized, and they have a need to feel these feelings. And they'll do anything
to create a sense of that field because they're very sensitive.
And so many times it happens that the parents that bring a child in a counseling session, and I asked the parents, can you please leave? And I'll ask the girl, can you please roll up your sleeve, I just want to see if you're doing any self harm. And oftentimes the parents that bring their child, sometimes their teens, they're cutting themselves.
And they're hiding.
That feeling that highly sensitive and you know what we say? We don't add any we don't help.
The statements that parents say, oh, you know, she's become quite sensitive nowadays, or he's become quite sensitive, or he makes a drama out of everything.
You know, you know, do a Ducati mud crew. Don't Don't Don't let it to Sandali I know your job. You know, don't do these things to me. That's the nature of that teenager.
He is going to be sensitive. And you have to be sensitive towards that.
You have to help them come out of this. And you we don't help when we chastise when we make fun. When we mock. When we look down upon when we talk about. You see there's a difference
To you, you can talk to your teenager. Many parents never talked to their teenagers. They talk about their teenager.
And the reality is our children are teenagers. They hear this. Oh, my mom was talking to this person, my dad was talking to this person about me. They hear it.
So many times, somebody's going to call me the father and he's talking, or the mother negatively about their teenage daughter or son and they're sitting right in front of me.
This is something very dangerous. Don't talk about your teenagers to other
park to them.
Many times I try once I traveled in a hotel, they had a very beautiful card, it said, if you are pleased with us, talk about us.
If we've done something wrong, talk to us.
You see, when our team does something wrong, we never talk to them.
But don't go to Ragini era like we don't even talk to them hook who cares? When was the last time you had a conversation with your child about the needs and once? When was the last time you had a conversation about your with your child about certain Fatiha something that we're supposed to recite 17 times at a conversation? You see something that can be conveyed through conversation should never be conveyed through instruction.
i Our problem as a culture is we haven't changed that. So we think instruction is the only primary mode of dissemination of information.
That's not true. That is the least effective form instructing someone
that is why Allah subhanaw taala in Quran he strikes examples, right? He gives you methyl in number 13 hieratic dunya Emma in Anza La La gives you examples. Allah could have said don't get involved in dunya and do worship to me.
Done, but Allah has given us more than 34 parables that I thought were urbane unselfie the Quran, why?
And what those those instructions talk about those Antheil there's parables, the same thing. Allah is your lab. Don't get involved in dunya. But through examples, the conversation is important to understand that your child is going to be sensitive. That is the net result of teenagehood can do anything about it. Once you understand that you don't overreact. We don't overreact to their reaction we like okay, no problem. I understand you're going through a little bit. I'll give you some space.
We all know a teenager wants a walk out on you let him walk out.
We make the scene worse. No, how dare you talk to me like that.
He is trying to establish himself as an adult.
Our responsibility is I understand your fear. I have six children, I understand and three teenagers. I understand the fear. i My heart is drowning when I see my daughter or my son and it's 225 and they're not out of the school and my brain goes like where are they?
I understand that pain.
But what we can do is let my fear overtake my emotions
and make their life miserable.
You're afraid of that.
Make dua to Allah Oh Allah protect him. If Allah protects your child,
there's nothing you can do.
I talked about it before and this member 15 year old teenager
living in a non Muslim House, who watches some YouTube video. And Allah guides him to Islam. This child works night shifts
at his uncle's gas station so he can earn $700 so he can pay the tuition to go to an Islamic school at age 15. He has no members of his family who are Muslims. Allah took him out of that.
If Allah can protect him, Allah can protect our children to our reliance or Allah has to be important.
And I'm not saying that now. Because you don't want to hurt and do you know there's a difference between you being firm?
Right Subhanallah we think sensitivity. Oh, I don't want to say I don't want to hurt my child. Let's take him to Black Friday sale. 50% off make him feel good. I'm not saying you do that.
I'm not saying that you listen to every single demand of your teenage daughter or son, no, you don't do that. But understand you set your boundaries, but do not react when they react.
That is what is not acceptable, because you're an adult and they're not. You should understand better, we should understand better. Next part, self image. They're very concerned about their self image.
Do not break their self image.
Do not tell people Oh, you know, subhanAllah my son, he, you know, subhanAllah he doesn't have any time. All he does is sleeps all day. And casual conversation when we're sitting with our friends and family and we say this, we shatter that child's existence.
And the words that come out of the parents mouth are like permanent glue, that self image is going to attach himself to this child, and he will see the rest of his life as a person who always sleeps. As a person who never listens. In this conversation that I was having with the father. Hey, oh, my daughter. She doesn't listen to the ditatoo No problem. Can you give the phone to your daughter
spoke to her for three minutes. She never once said no to anything. And then she the same father told me she will never ever ever stepped foot in the masjid. Dadada three minutes later, she was ready to come and meet me in a masjid
I gave the phone phone back to the Father and I said should I book an Uber or Kareem or something? You know something? This was not should I book some car for you? So that
your daughter comes to the masjid because you just told me she doesn't listen? So why are you some so calm about it? And then if I was like no, no, no, but sometimes she listens
to do not create
you know they call it the fame image the the thing that you become famous for don't make a negative thing about your child and make her or him famous from that.
The oh this person kinda well, who kinda well, he kinda that's all we do. We don't recognize that these statements we make Oh, Mashallah. Ha hee hee a chakra didn't?
What does that mean? A bucket rare shatter.
He's very smart, Mashallah. The rest are dumb.
These statements Be very careful what we say to our children. These statements make a huge impact. It's coming from you, as a parent, it's coming from a grandparent. Those statements make their life or break their life. They make the belief structure of how they're going to interact with this world.
That don't take it very lightly what we say and what we do not say to them.
Then understand, no matter how many times you tell the teenager do not do this. It's not I mean, the hustle clique. is smarter. Yeah, Habib, I love you. Please listen to me, don't do this. He is going to do it.
He doesn't care about your experience. From the psychology of that child. He wants to get first hand experience.
But you as a parent, your responsibility is to provide that safety net. You tell him that this is the wrong thing to do. He is going to go and do it that is in his fitrah
that is in his nature. He is going to do it. But you be there to support him when he falls.
Don't just say an apple truck. I told you last Monday. You didn't listen. I told you what happens when you tell the child don't run don't run don't run the child is running. It's no don't run don't run he fells.
What do we say? I told you I told you so. You didn't listen. And now the child is physically hurt, emotionally hurt and we respond by saying Good for you.
We're fulfilling our need. Good for you. You fell
but that's in a physical sense for a small child. Likewise our teenagers they fall
and they're terrified to come in tell you oh Baba, I fell.
Oh mama I fell. They're terrified because they know that you are rip them apart.
Give them the comfort and the confidence they require to make mistakes in this lives. See as it is Muslim parents living in Canada. Your child is tethered to you until the age of 18.
This is your opportunity to be their safety net because after
You're 18 Legally, you cannot do anything.
You cannot sit in a conversation to the doctor, you would go to the doctor, the doctor is going to ask you to leave. He's an adult, she's an adult. Privacy, no matter what you are who you are.
So use this opportunity of that legal bondage that you have with your child and nurture that learn love. Last thing I leave with is Allah subhanaw taala has made us and hear my words very carefully, that Allah has made us.
Allah has given us children, and he has not made you responsible for your children.
As soon as they become by live,
right, as soon as they get in Sharia, we cause the cliff Micallef. He becomes responsible in the eyes of Allah.
I'm gonna look where I'm at who why
this is not the thing. We think, Oh, if he does anything bad, I lose Riley, I am going to be held accountable law. The minute they become 1314 barrel, they are fully responsible for their actions. You cannot ask them not to do these things. You can tell them this is haram. This is not allowed. Allah is going to be displeased with this. But if they choose to do it,
you can't do anything about it.
And the last thing you want is you will be the source of them conforming and the minute you are gone.
So many families we know the father left, the father died. The daughters took off her job said I'm Ali
because the hijab is not from the heart.
The Salah was never from the heart. It was from the hopefully I will um, it was from the fear of the job. They should not be praying for you. At 1415 They're praying for Allah.
Your job is to create the alumna of Allah in their heart.
Oh my I have a teenager coming up. I already see some trends. As a father, I'm giving an example. As a teenager I start seeing some trends. Wait a minute. I did 11 He was praying all fire praise what's happening he's moving around now.
He's not like he's skipping prayers. He's praying in his room. He's doing things. You see signs.
You can say so late. You can go upstairs in the room and check his bathroom, the sink, oh, it's dry matter what but you did not do will do. That is not going to help your child
because he doesn't pray for you. He needs to pray for Allah.
You as a parent, we as parents as society as a masjid when somebody comes in, we should be careful about instilling the amount of Allah subhanaw taala in their hearts. That is our focus