Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Q&A The Second Wife Discussion the Husband

I feel uncomfortable when my husband talks about second wife,

should I feel bad and selfish?

Hmm, this is an interesting question. You see, the way I look

at this is that they should be honest. And many of you may agree

or disagree with me because you're women, right? But to be honest, if

you can get that out in the open, then you know what your husband is

thinking, number one is good for you, though, it's very difficult

for you to maybe deal with that in the beginning. But the main thing

is that, if you're going to shut it down completely, and not even

let him, you know, speak about it, then what happens is, he has all

of these ideas, and if he can't voice them to he's gonna voice

them to others, and may even be led into that, if you know what

he's thinking about. And you can have a frank discussion you can

protest, or do you want you can say no, right? You have the right

to do that. But to at least listen to it and to help him understand

maybe, or for you to understand your biases. I think that's a very

healthy conversation. Having said that, that doesn't mean that men

should be tormenting their wives, right? Always with this or

blackmailing their wives with this and bringing it up every second

day, it's not a nice thing to do at all. And you're talking about

it every day is stupid. I mean, can you got nothing else to speak

about in life? Right? Right. But I'm not talking to men. today. I'm

talking to women today. Right? So if it is a discussion that you

have once in a while, because something happened outside, and

somebody else spoke about it, so he needs to come and vent his

ideas or whatever, then I don't think a woman should I know,

that's very difficult asking you to do that. I know, it's very

difficult asking you for that. But I know couples who do this

discussion, we've had this discussion, and they're a healthy

couple generally, because it's there's no taboo subject, there

shouldn't be a two it's a halal thing. So why should they be a

taboo subject, maybe you got it wrong, you know, like, maybe your

biases are too much. Because a lot of the time, what I've noticed is

that one of the reasons why women so feel so bad about it, is

because they feel that there's something wrong with them. And

that's why their husband is even thinking about that. But you must,

I'll tell you, like nearly 100%, that that is not the reason for

most cases, it meaning in the desires that people have, men have

a natural desire, that's why Allah has allowed it. Men have a natural

desire to want more than one, even if he's got the best one. And the

second and third, and even maybe a fourth will not be the best one

and will be inferior is just something that is is a desire that

men have. And if you don't talk about these things, men will go

into *, men will do a lot of the they'll flirt at work,

and all of these kinds of things. You're wondering why all of these

things are happening. I'm not blaming you for that. This is men

and the taqwa should obviously govern these things, but a

dissident discussion, if your husband wants it needs to be done

in a decent way. And you can lay your parameters down and say,

Look, I don't want you bringing this up every day is stupid to do

that. Right? Because that's to men. I don't find it easy to talk

about this. But I'm willing to talk about it, just so that we can

go through these issues. Right? I'm willing to learn I'm willing

to maybe correct some of my ideas doesn't mean I have to agree,

right? To let you but the I can't I can't have that. So this is a

very important discussion that needs to be had in the house.

Because I guarantee there's so many men, when you sit when men

men speak, they have this. It's just the natural state and man and

that's why because it leads people generally to if a person doesn't

have a way to deal with these issues, because it will lead to

flirtation, it will lead to heart arms and everything like that.

Right? Generally, what what I'm trying to say is that, despite the

fact of how bad wife, a woman feels, of a husband, even thinking

of another, Why did Allah allow it for the men to even do it? Didn't

Allah think of the thoughts of women, her feelings of women, if

he, if you look at just the feelings own, how bad they feel,

how I shall be alone, I used to be, and it's not, you're not

abnormal for thinking that way. Meaning you're not abnormal for

thinking bad of your husband having another way. You're not

abnormal, as normal, that is normal, right? What's abnormal is

if you allow him to have another husband, you'd be very brave to do

that. Right? So you're not abnormal. But despite that,

despite that being such a norm and such a nature, Why did Allah allow

men to have three more than one, four? Why because the danger in

not allowing that is worse than the danger in the woman's

feelings.

Because the danger here is that he's going to commit Zina if he's

not allowed, and that's why you have so many husband wives

breaking up today. They find somebody else at work if find

somebody on Facebook wives or husband, you know, it's just

getting really messed up.

So, conversation has to happen. Very important, of course, with

within reason, though, right?