Abdur Rahman ibn Yusuf Mangera – Q&A The Second Wife Discussion the Husband
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I feel uncomfortable when my husband talks about second wife,
should I feel bad and selfish?
Hmm, this is an interesting question. You see, the way I look
at this is that they should be honest. And many of you may agree
or disagree with me because you're women, right? But to be honest, if
you can get that out in the open, then you know what your husband is
thinking, number one is good for you, though, it's very difficult
for you to maybe deal with that in the beginning. But the main thing
is that, if you're going to shut it down completely, and not even
let him, you know, speak about it, then what happens is, he has all
of these ideas, and if he can't voice them to he's gonna voice
them to others, and may even be led into that, if you know what
he's thinking about. And you can have a frank discussion you can
protest, or do you want you can say no, right? You have the right
to do that. But to at least listen to it and to help him understand
maybe, or for you to understand your biases. I think that's a very
healthy conversation. Having said that, that doesn't mean that men
should be tormenting their wives, right? Always with this or
blackmailing their wives with this and bringing it up every second
day, it's not a nice thing to do at all. And you're talking about
it every day is stupid. I mean, can you got nothing else to speak
about in life? Right? Right. But I'm not talking to men. today. I'm
talking to women today. Right? So if it is a discussion that you
have once in a while, because something happened outside, and
somebody else spoke about it, so he needs to come and vent his
ideas or whatever, then I don't think a woman should I know,
that's very difficult asking you to do that. I know, it's very
difficult asking you for that. But I know couples who do this
discussion, we've had this discussion, and they're a healthy
couple generally, because it's there's no taboo subject, there
shouldn't be a two it's a halal thing. So why should they be a
taboo subject, maybe you got it wrong, you know, like, maybe your
biases are too much. Because a lot of the time, what I've noticed is
that one of the reasons why women so feel so bad about it, is
because they feel that there's something wrong with them. And
that's why their husband is even thinking about that. But you must,
I'll tell you, like nearly 100%, that that is not the reason for
most cases, it meaning in the desires that people have, men have
a natural desire, that's why Allah has allowed it. Men have a natural
desire to want more than one, even if he's got the best one. And the
second and third, and even maybe a fourth will not be the best one
and will be inferior is just something that is is a desire that
men have. And if you don't talk about these things, men will go
into *, men will do a lot of the they'll flirt at work,
and all of these kinds of things. You're wondering why all of these
things are happening. I'm not blaming you for that. This is men
and the taqwa should obviously govern these things, but a
dissident discussion, if your husband wants it needs to be done
in a decent way. And you can lay your parameters down and say,
Look, I don't want you bringing this up every day is stupid to do
that. Right? Because that's to men. I don't find it easy to talk
about this. But I'm willing to talk about it, just so that we can
go through these issues. Right? I'm willing to learn I'm willing
to maybe correct some of my ideas doesn't mean I have to agree,
right? To let you but the I can't I can't have that. So this is a
very important discussion that needs to be had in the house.
Because I guarantee there's so many men, when you sit when men
men speak, they have this. It's just the natural state and man and
that's why because it leads people generally to if a person doesn't
have a way to deal with these issues, because it will lead to
flirtation, it will lead to heart arms and everything like that.
Right? Generally, what what I'm trying to say is that, despite the
fact of how bad wife, a woman feels, of a husband, even thinking
of another, Why did Allah allow it for the men to even do it? Didn't
Allah think of the thoughts of women, her feelings of women, if
he, if you look at just the feelings own, how bad they feel,
how I shall be alone, I used to be, and it's not, you're not
abnormal for thinking that way. Meaning you're not abnormal for
thinking bad of your husband having another way. You're not
abnormal, as normal, that is normal, right? What's abnormal is
if you allow him to have another husband, you'd be very brave to do
that. Right? So you're not abnormal. But despite that,
despite that being such a norm and such a nature, Why did Allah allow
men to have three more than one, four? Why because the danger in
not allowing that is worse than the danger in the woman's
feelings.
Because the danger here is that he's going to commit Zina if he's
not allowed, and that's why you have so many husband wives
breaking up today. They find somebody else at work if find
somebody on Facebook wives or husband, you know, it's just
getting really messed up.
So, conversation has to happen. Very important, of course, with
within reason, though, right?