Zia Sheikh – Parenting Advice 11112016
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AI: Transcript ©
Displeasure and different languages have different words nowadays
amongst the teens the word is whatever That's
that's off in American terminology.
All right, whatever So no sign of displeasure
should come to you against your parents Well,
I've been her mama and do not scold
them But all of them are golden Karima
and say to them noble words say to
them nice words And this is specifically a
last one off that I was talking about
old age There will come a time when
these parents that are young right now They
will reach old age and that's the ultimate
test for you That what are you going
to do when they reach that old age?
They will some of them will reach an
age which is known in Arabic as other
little more Other little more means that they
become childlike again they Became young and they
reached their peak and then they start declining
After their 40s and their 50s they start
declining and their joints start hurting then by
the 70s if they get to that age
75 80 then dementia starts to set it
set in and They start forgetting things and
they will even forget the names of their
loved ones They will forget the names of
their grandchildren They will forget and a person
will come to them who is very near
and dear to them and they will forget
who this person is a very frustrating time
for everyone, but at that time That is
the time in which they must be shown
the most love and the most affection and
the most mercy Thinking back to I was
Helpless at one time I was a baby
at one time I need to do to
be clean at one time.
I need to be bathed at one time
I needed diapers changed at one time.
I need to be fed at one time
This is the same opportunity for me to
pay back my parents for what they did
to me For me when I was young
And lower your shoulder to them out of
respect for them out of humility for them
and Make dua for them make dua for
them.
What is the dua?
Allah have mercy on them just like they
raised me when I was small have mercy
upon them now So this is one verse
of the Quran and the next slide we
have the hadith of the prophet alayhi salatu
salam in which the kabah or the major
sins are mentioned and one of the major
sins that are mentioned is the Hukooq al
-walidayn.
Hukooq al-walidayn means to be disobedient to
your parents.
So it's not a minor sin It's not
a small sin to be disobedient to your
parents and to show disrespect to the parents
It is a major sin To a point
that Allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala He tells us
in the Quran that if our parents are
non-muslims, we still have to be good
to them The only line that we draw
is that if they make us disobey Allah
subhanahu wa'ta'ala If they make us disobey
Allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala if they make us
disobey Allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala Then that is
where we draw the line and we do
not listen to them But other than that
if they tell us to do the shopping
We have to do it if they tell
us to take us to take them to
the doctors.
We have to do it all of their
commands we have to obey and Make sure
that we listen to them.
But the only line that we draw is
the disobedience of Allah subhanahu wa'ta'ala So
even with non-muslim parents Next slide.
Okay.
So here on this slide we have Examples
of parents that are mentioned in the Quran
Interacting with their children.
The first one is look man And look
man is a lengthy piece of advice that
is given in sort look man in which
a parent is talking to his Child and
giving a lot of advice so that Advice
is something that requires a lecture by itself.
So inshallah in the future.
I'll be giving a lecture about it There's
the second one is Shuaib alaihissalaam and Dawood
alaihissalaam There's a very famous story.
Dawood alaihissalaam was a king and Shuaib alaihissalaam
was also a king.
Dawood was the father and Suleyman was the
son and Both were very wise Both were
very wise and they used to pass judgments
for the people that used to bring cases
to them there's a beautiful story in the
Quran in which Allah says The
story the summary of the story is that
Dawood alaihissalaam passed a judgment and then Suleyman
alaihissalaam his son disagreed with him and Gave
him his own opinion What do we learn
from this we learn that sometimes the parents
they can listen to their kids, too The
kids are not always wrong So what was
the story the story was that a man
came?
To Prophet Dawood alaihissalaam, and he gave him
he put a complaint in he said I
have all of these crops that I've been
working on for the whole year and my
next-door neighbor he has sheep and all
of the sheep came and in one day
they destroyed my whole year's work and Now
I'm going to be penniless because my crop
has been destroyed So Dawood alaihissalaam he passed
the judgment He said to the owner of
the sheep give your sheep to him Give
your sheep to the owner of this field
Because his crops have been destroyed so it
only makes sense that he should take the
sheep Suleyman alaihissalaam, he's young 15 years old
14 15 He's sitting there and he says
to his father that oh father.
I think that if we do it this
way It might be better because you're taking
away the sheep from this person and you're
taking away his livelihood so then What what
Benefit is this causing this is actually going
to harm this person.
So what should we do?
We should do this and This is the
opinion of Suleyman Suleyman says take the sheep
and give them to the owner of the
crops and he can use The sheep take
the milk from them sell the milk take
the wool sell the wool and benefit from
the sheep for as long as the second
person who owned the sheep he goes back
to the crop grows the crop and Puts
it as it was before and gives it
back to the owner of the crop and
then he takes back his sheep So Allah
subhanahu wa'ta'ala says fafahamna ha Suleyman We
made Suleyman understand the right decision to make
and Dawood alaihissalaam accepted his decision Dawood alaihissalaam
accepted his decision and then Basically the lesson
we learned from this is that the young
Can give advice to the old and the
old can take advice.
It shouldn't be always one-way traffic No,
you have to listen to me because I'm
older than you This is the general trend
that we have right have respect to my
opinion.
No have a two-way conversation It's important
to have a two-way relationship bilateral relationship,
especially when the kids are getting into the
teens It's very difficult for a one-way
traffic and one-way command There has to
be a friendship to such a degree that
the kid or the young person the young
man now is able to share his opinions
and to share his thoughts and to take
ideas from the parents and That will only
happen when that bilateral relationship is occurring.
The third Incident is Shoaib alaihissalaam is above
Shoaib alaihissalaam and his daughters the story is
that Musa alaihissalaam ran away From Egypt, you
know, we know the story Don't want to
get into too lengthy, but it's accidentally he
killed a person.
So he ran away He went to a
place called Median in Median.
He saw that these two girls young young
ladies are Taking a flock of sheep and
they're they're standing to one side While all
the rest of the community are bringing their
sheep and giving them water and then going
away And then he says to them.
What are you doing here?
I mean, it's strange in a job of
men that women are tending to sheep so
That He says to them what's going on?
So they respond by saying that our father,
he is a very old man So we
have to do this work for him So
he took the sheep from them gave them
the water and then Gave the sheep back
and then go back went back into the
shade where he was sitting so these girls
they went home and The father was astonished
that how come they came back early today
when it usually takes them so long So
then they related the whole story about what
happened.
So the father sent the girls go bring
him back so they brought him back and
Here again, we find that the daughters So
the whole story was exchanged between Musa alaihissalam
and Shoaib who's the father The whole story
was exchanged that how he got to Median
and then after that story was exchanged One
of the daughters says to him to her
father.
Yeah, I bet it's the jiff.
Oh my father.
Why did you hire him?
He doesn't she actually says hire him.
It's not even a question.
It's a command.
It's the jiff hire him in the hair
of my Is that a jiff tell how
you let me the best person that you
can hire is the one who is going
who is strong And I mean who's trustworthy
So the father was asked the question How
come, you know, he is strong and how
do you know he's trustworthy So she responded.
She said that when he was feeding our
sheep with water He picked up the lid
of the well with by himself Which is
something that a few men have to do
so he's going he's strong and he's Amin
Because when I went to call him when
we went to call him because you told
us to bring him he Didn't tell us
to walk in front of him he walked
in front of us and He told me
told us To throw stones in the direction
that we wanted him to go So because
if he was walking behind then he could
be looking at them, right?
he could be he could be looking at
the girls, but he insisted that he walk
in front and they should be behind him
and They should throw stones in the direction
where he needs to go So from this
we find out he's trustworthy and he's not
a person who is evil in his intent
so immediately he hired him and then he
also offered one of his daughters in marriage
and They basically got married and he stayed
for eight or ten years in the service
of Shoaib alaihissalam before he left But the
point here is again girls are Telling their
father to do something bilateral relationship It's not
always one-way traffic that the father or
the mother commands and tells and orders There
has to be such a relationship that the
kids also feel comfortable advising the parents So
this is the second incident and the lesson
we learn from the Quran The story of
Ibrahim alaihissalam, Ismail alaihissalam very famous, you know
We know that they together built the Kaaba.
All right, this was something that was done
together Something we learned from this is that
the parents they should try to involve their
kids in helping them out and doing things
a father son bonding moment Washing the car
together for example, okay doing the gardening together
mowing the lawn together Helping out to pull
the weeds doing it together rather than sending
the kid out to do something Have both
of you do something and this will give
you a chance to bond and this is
what Ibrahim alaihissalam and Ismail alaihissalam did when
building the Kaaba The other incident is of
course Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala commanding Ibrahim
alaihissalam to slaughter his son and he doesn't
just walk in and say to Ismail Come,
let's go.
I'm supposed to slaughter you Okay, he says
He says to him that oh my son
I saw you in my dream that I
am slaughtering you.
So think about that What's your opinion?
So it's not always a command even though
he knows that this is a command an
amr from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala but
he doesn't impose that command upon his son
rather he allows him to make his own
decision and Helps him and makes him think
about it So, what does he say?
Oh my beloved father do as you've been
instructed Satajiduni inshallahu minasabineen You'll find me from
amongst the patient people.
So again, we find from this the father
-son relationship How is it that the command
of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala is not
imposed rather it is taught it is instilled
and it's something that It's not the imposition
of it is is not appropriate the the
the way that it's done is that the
children are encouraged and that Tarbiyah is done
in such a way that they feel that
Islam is part and parcel of their life
the obedience of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
is part and parcel of their life and
they should not disobey Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala and The first thing that comes is
through being a role model yourself So if
you for example, I'm not praying your Salat
and you tell your kids to pray the
Salat it's never going to work If you
yourself smoke and you expect your children not
to smoke and you tell them no Don't
smoke is a very bad habit and dad.
Why are you doing it?
This is what the question it's kind of
hypocritical to think that my children should not
do what I do So main thing the
children they will take their parents as role
models negatively or positively if you want our
kids to See us in in the state
of a good role role model, then we
should come to the masjid we should bring
them to the masjid pray with us let
them pray with us and When we do
this then they will see us as inshallah
good role models The second the next one
Yaqub alaihissalaam and Yusuf alaihissalaam.
I don't want to go into the make
the lecture too lengthy But this story of
Yusuf alaihissalaam.
It's a beautiful beautiful story and it has
so many lessons and Particularly the lessons of
a father who loves his child so much
Now the first thing that the surah starts
off with is Yusuf alaihissalaam seeing a dream
and in that dream He sees that there
are إني رأيت أحد عشر كوكباً والشمس والقمر
I saw 11 stars and the Sun and
the moon and I saw them all prostrating
to me So the first thing that the
father says Yaqub alaihissalaam says to Yusuf يا
بني لا تقصص رؤياك على إفوتك فيكيدوا لك
كيدا Don't tell your brothers about this dream.
Otherwise, they're going to plot against you so
Sometimes and the children need to understand this
that the parent always wants good for the
children even though it seems like That you
know, why did my father tell me to
do that?
It was only a dream.
Let me just tell my brothers It was
a beautiful dream.
I saw the 11 stars and the Sun
and the moon all prostrating to me How
much of a more beautiful dream can that
be why shouldn't I tell my brothers about
this But Yaqub knows the temperament of his
brothers that's why he says don't tell them
about this dream till he tells Yusuf don't
tell them about this dream and Then of
course they get separated and then the love
that the father had for the child It
is expressed throughout the surah how he was
Missing him how he longed for him how
he wanted him to be back again by
his side All of these things are expressed
and then you would assume That the brothers
that actually got rid of Yusuf alayhis salaam
and ditched him in the middle of the
desert into a well The father would have
some kind of enmity towards them, right?
But we see again that There is no
enmity Expressed from Yaqub alayhis salaam towards his
other children In fact, there's one part in
surah Yusuf in which Yaqub alayhis salaam says
to his sons When you go to the
king don't enter through one door but enter
through different doors And the scholars the Mufassireen
they explain why did Yaqub alayhis salaam say
that Because all of the brothers mashallah, they
were very handsome Of course, they were the
brothers of Yusuf alayhis salaam, right?
Yusuf was handsome by himself and his handsomeness
his beauty was you know, it was incomparable
but of course his brothers were just as
handsome or not as handsome, but very handsome
in comparison to others So Yaqub alayhis salaam
when he told his sons Don't enter into
one door.
He didn't want the people's eyes to focus
on this group of 11 youths Coming into
the door at one time and then becoming
the victim of what's known as Ain, Nazar
what we call so Despite the fact that
the brothers had done a very bad thing
with Yusuf alayhis salaam the father being the
father still wants good for them and The
biggest lesson we learn from this is that
You know when you're you have difficult times
in your relationship with your parents, but remember
That that difficulty should not translate into the
relationship being broken up Because ultimately whether you
think it or not as children The parents
will always want good for you They will
always want to protect you from any harm.
They will always be worried about you Okay,
and the frictions in relationship occur throughout one's
life And that will happen always in a
parent and children relationship But the parents will
always want good for the children Nobody will
want bad to happen to their own kids
and sometimes Especially from the women we get
women for example, they will say things against
their children Badwa, they curse their children's may
Allah destroy you or and things of that
nature But ultimately that's not something that they
actually mean It's just something that passion that
they have it comes to the surface sometime
But that's not what the parents mean We
should never think that my mother wants to
destroy me and she wants something bad to
happen to me That is not what?
Ever we should think that our parents want
from us and there are countless examples of
this again and again that we will find
and Then the last thing is the Prophet
Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam and Fatima radiyallahu
ta'ala anhuha You know the time of
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was a
time when?
the the girls and The women were despised
and they were buried alive and people when
they used to have daughters They used to
become upset and they used to be embarrassed
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam showed by
example how he loved his daughters and Particularly
it's mentioned about Fatima radiyallahu ta'ala anhuha
the youngest daughter the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa
sallam How he used to love her so
much?
It is mentioned in the hadith that Her
actions and the way she walked and the
way she talked were exactly like the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam This again that shows
that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was
a good role model for her so she
learned from him the actions and she put
them into practice and the riwayah goes on
to say that whenever she used to come
and He was sitting He used to stand
up and he used to kiss on the
forehead and he used to make her sit
in the place where he had been sitting
So he showed such respect to his own
daughter in a time when daughters were despised
and daughters were hated and daughters were buried
alive the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is
showing by example that this is how you're
supposed to treat your daughter and She in
turn whenever the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
used to visit her She used to stand
up She used to kiss him and she
used to make him sit in the place
where she had been sitting so again the
role model The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
showing her how to act and she is
acting What she learned from the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam And then there are so
many beautiful stories about how the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam used to tell her his
secrets and used to sit her on his
lap and They used to share you know
Talks with each other and one of the
things that is a beautiful story once the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he Gave her
the secret that there was you heard his
time of death is going to be very
very close and When she heard this she
started crying and the wives of the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam are watching what's going
on?
And he's talking to her in secret So
she starts crying of course, he becomes upset
when he sees her crying and he says
to her something else in her ears and
She started laughing So the wives of the
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam afterwards used to
push her and say what was that secret
that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam He
said both things secretly to her that he's
going to die first and foremost and the
second secret Which I'll explain in a minute
So the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam used to push her that what
was that thing that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam said to You that secret that
made you cry and then made you laugh
What was that thing and she wouldn't expose
the secret?
She kept it secret until the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam actually passed away And she
said at that time that now the Prophet
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was gone I will
tell you the secret that he gave me
the first thing that he told me was
that his time of death was getting close
and that was what made me cry and
Then when he saw me crying he said
Amma tardayna an takuni sayyidata nisa'i ahlul
jannah Doesn't it please you that oh Fatima
that you will become the queen of the
women of the people of paradise The the
the woman leader of the women of paradise
and that made me overjoyed and I expressed
my happiness In front of him at that
time.
So again, the relationship is such that they
are sharing and talking in an intimate way
and sharing secrets with each other and this
is how a relationship of a father and
a child should be and This is so
important, especially with daughters Daughters are very very
girls Are very very what do you call?
gullible and naive and If they do not
get love from their parents They will search
out and seek love from other people Very
important to understand this That if as fathers
we do not shower love upon our daughters
show appreciation for them Mashallah, you look so
beautiful in the hijab Mashallah, these clothes look
so nice on you.
Mashallah.
You're looking great today I'm so happy that
you prayed all of your all of your
salats today this longing for appreciation and longing
for the acceptance from the parents It's something
that girls, you know aspire to it's something
that they want and if they don't get
it from us Then the first person in
high school that showers praise upon them They
will become victims of that person's advances So
it's important for the parents for the fathers
in particular to have this relationship in such
a way that they praise their girls and
and you know express Their happiness at seeing
them.
They express their happiness of them wearing a
hijab they express their happiness that they've learned
a new surah and That relationship should be
so close just like we see the closeness
of the relationship of the Prophet Alayhi Salatu
Wasalam But that inshallah we finish but again
the summary is that our relationship with our
kids should be a cordial and a loving
Relationship.
All of that is found in the Quran
I pray that Allah SWT gives us the
ability to understand and practice what has been
said and heard If we have any Q
&A send it forward inshallah, if it's written,
okay, so no questions inshallah, so inshallah Hopefully
inshallah.
We'll have another lecture in the next couple
of weeks Jazakum Allah Khair