Yousef Bakeer – Tarbiyah Tips When Raising Girls
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hula Shaadi color wash had ana Muhammadan rasul Allah subhanaw
taala says in the Quran. Yes, you heard Lavina Turco on it duckula
Ha ha call to call to mutran. One more tonight and to mostly moon.
He says all believers have taqwa in Allah subhanaw taala which
means that we should be conscious of him, we should be aware of him,
and we should protect ourselves from his punishment and his wrath.
And we shouldn't allow ourselves to die, except in the state of la
ilaha illAllah Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
I began my hotbar by asking Allah Allah subhanaw taala first and
foremost, to send blessings and prayers upon our beloved prophet
muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Allahumma salli wa sallim
wa barik ala Nabina. Habib, you know, Mohammed in Walla early, he
also have your son in the Sleeman kathira. And my bad, my dear
brothers and sisters in Islam as salaam alaikum, Warahmatullahi
Wabarakatuh.
In my past hotbar, I spoke about this idea of tarbiyah.
So the title of my last quarter was what are we preparing our
youth for?
And I asked this question. And I said that 101 tarbiyah
is asking ourselves as parents, we should always be concerned about
what is the purpose of our Tobia? Where are we actually exactly
preparing our youth for? And I spoke in my first hotbar, about
how to raise real men. And I spoke about this idea of teaching our
youth, our sons, how to be uncomfortable, because we we
definitely see, even in workplaces there is you know, this high rate
of turnover from the fresh graduates that coming into a
workplace, or there's high rates of divorce when it comes to the
first five years of marriage. And if you really ask yourself what is
the reason behind this? Well, there are different reasons. But
on the top of this list, is that our youth did not learn how to be
uncomfortable. So what happens is when first when they first
encounter an issue or a problem or a challenge, they quit.
So I spoke about this I elaborated a lot on this and I give some
examples from the Sunnah and from the Quran about how Allah has
shaped the character of the prophets and how the prophets
themselves went through, you know, journey of hardships just for them
to be
ventually those prophets that we look up to.
In today's hotbar, I want to talk about what exactly are we doing to
prepare our daughters
to becoming responsible, slash successful wife and mothers,
future successful wives and mothers? Why exactly we're doing.
First, did we ask ourselves this question? Because sometimes we
get, you know, lost in the process, taking care of your child
is different than raising your child. Taking care of your child
is basically you're concerned about all the daily logistics,
dropping them off from school, picking them up, you know,
providing for your children, this is great, Mashallah. But that's
taking care of your child. You didn't do any teddy bear yet. The
tarbiyah is the hardest job in the world, how to invest in your
children's personal development and character development, and
what is your goal and how you're going to get to that goal? Well,
when it comes to our daughters, I have four or five teddy bear tips
for you today in sha Allah, Allah, that we all can benefit from being
the light Allah, when it comes to when it comes to raising our
daughters. Number one, tip number one, first and foremost, we really
need to teach our children that their honor, and their worth is
not determined, by the way they look.
And I'll repeat it again, their honor, and their value, their
worth is not determined by their external beauty. Because what
happens is, we live in such a hyper sexualized society that
enforces this idea of being attractive, your values coming
from being attractive, the more attractive you are to men, the
more respect you get. And it's sad, and it's there. And our
daughters are facing this, this this challenge, even in social
media industry, in order for them to get you know that high social
status, just like those influencers, they need to look in
a certain way, or they need to dress in a certain way. Rather,
our dean is teaching us that your external, you know, beauty, does
not determine who you are really, what determines that your value
and your worth, is your relationship with Allah subhanho
wa taala, first and foremost, and your character.
So that is something that is so many, you know, daughters, our
daughters are really facing this, from the sacrificing this pressure
from the society. And we really need to focus on this idea of as
long as you fulfill your duties towards Allah subhanaw taala. And
you carry a good character, this is what matters.
This is what matters. You know, the effect of this as well is that
you will see a lot of our daughters trying to seek
validation from others on social media, posting all of these
pictures just try to fit in, try to just because the society is
telling us we have to look in a certain way, then I have to look,
you know, that way. So I get this respect and this attention. So I
go and try constantly seeking validation from others. Number
two,
and I think it's as important as the first point,
which is, sometimes we pressure our daughters to be, you know, to
change who they are. What I mean by this, the society has specific
standards
on what it means to be, you know, strong and what it means to be
weak, certain definitions that we inherited from society, that we
want to implement it within our daughters. I'll give you an
example.
For example, some of us we pressure our daughters, well,
don't be emotional. Don't be sensitive, because this is a sign
of weakness.
Rather, don't show emotions be strong, because this is what
society defines as strength.
Well, when we look at the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam
traditions will be surprised because he defined it differently.
Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam one time when he when his son passed
away,
and Sula Salah Salem started crying
and then when you know when
that when the men the Arab men at that time just looked at the
Prophet and the found him, you know, crying they didn't process
this. It's like what are you doing? You're crying, you're a man
you're crying. What is that? They didn't process this. And then
Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam connected this showing emotions to
Rama to Mercy. And what mercy is mercy is an extra a godly
attributes. Mercy is one of the characteristics of Allah subhanho
wa Taala that He is the Most Merciful. So here Rasul Allah is
defining things differently different than what society is
teaching us. In another hand, we tell our boys, you know, you can
show your emotions because you're strong. But if you show some
anger, you know, from the outside, we'll look at you as someone who
okay, you're harsh, you're tough you're, you're a tough man, and
that's a sign of strength. Now looking at the prophets of Allah,
Allah Selim traditions, you will find this is absolutely wrong as
well. Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam said, Les Sal kawaii you be
Surah wala Kyndall kawaii Manyata, Malik, NAFSA indelicato. He said,
The Strongest Man is not really the one who wrestles The Strongest
Man is the one who is able to control their anger.
So you see what I'm saying. There are absolutely different
definitions and what it means to be strong, and what it means to be
weak. So why we're going through that trap and putting so much
pressure on our daughters to change who they are. So don't be
emotional, don't even cry, you can do that.
They will, they will you will be taken advantage of. We hear this
constantly. And what's what's actually happening is adding
tremendous pressure on their shoulders.
Tip number three, well.
Some of us we make this common mistake again, when raising our
daughters. Either we tell them, like I said, just share some
characteristics of men that we believe that these characteristic
signs of, you know strength, which I explained that all of these
standards are messed up in through the lens of the sunnah of Prophet
Muhammad Sallallahu sallam. But now there is another approach that
I really think that's harming our daughters as well, is this idea,
no differences at all. You don't need to be like a man, for you to
be as strong. But you don't really acknowledge that there are
differences at all, no differences. And it will give you
an example of this so can actually highlight what I'm trying to
explain.
Experts say that in any interaction of men and women,
there is this cycle that they call it the Crazy Cycle.
So what does this mean exactly? They say that most of women look
in a relationship when it comes to relationship with men. Look for
more of care and love. They want to be cared for, they want to be
loved for
while men, they look for respect. Again, that's just the case study.
Even if this is not very accurate, that's fine. But the thought
process behind it is very accurate. This is exactly what I'm
trying to get across. So they say what how this, you know, crazy
circle functions. They say. Now, whenever the man feels
disrespected,
he shows harshness and toughness towards the woman. And at this
woman, she's getting less care and less love. And when she gets less
care and less love shows more harshness. So the man feels more
disrespected. And so he shows more of harshness, and it's a cycle
it's ongoing. And so experts say the only way to solve this is to
break that cycle. We ask women to show unconditional respect. We ask
men to show and receive unconditional love and care.
No, you no excuses for not showing those items. Well, even we can say
well, but also men. Also men look for love and care and also women
look for respect. I get I get this point. But my main point about
this example is the thought
Process Understanding our Differences, Understanding our
Differences. For the sake of time, I really think this is
a conversation that we need to continue in sha Allah Tala and
future hobas. But for today the last, you know, tip therapy a tip
when it comes to our daughters, one of the common mistakes that in
my opinion, it's really damaging our daughters is this idea of go
and get a degree just in case you feel in your marriage
relationship.
This is very problematic in my opinion, why because you are
setting up for failure, they are going to use that degree to fail.
Rather we say go and get this degree because you need to develop
as a person it's for your own personal development, it's for
your own worth. It's basically to help you see the world view
differently you are going to be indicated it's for your own self.
So this is we see this as a repetitive behavior where we
actually emphasize the idea that your degree is your support once
you get married once the go with this conditioning idea. If I only
feel then I have something you know as a backup, then they're
gonna use that degree to fail a colocar we had our stuff for Allah
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