Yasir Qadhi – The Definition of REAL Men
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
We wanna begin by saying the Quran makes
a distinction between
zakar and rajul,
between being a male and being a man.
And this is the key point between healthy
masculinity
versus toxic masculinity.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions there's something called
biological
male.
Allah says that,
For every species we created into 2. And
Allah says in the Quran that,
We created you the male and the female.
So the 2 genders
is very clear and Allah made us either
XX or XY. We are either 1 gender
or the other gender, male or female.
And generally speaking, the Quran does not praise
being
a male.
Being a male is a circumstance of birth.
But there are verses in the Quran that
praise masculinity,
praise being a rajul.
So,
not every male
is a man.
Not every male
lives up to being a praiseworthy,
masculine
man.
So we in Islam
firmly believe, in contrast to much of modern
culture, that there is something called healthy masculinity.
There is no question about it. So before
we get to toxic masculinity,
let us look at the Quran
and derive from the Quran
what the Quran describes as positive masculinity,
healthy masculinity.
And there are many verses in the Quran.
And without a doubt these verses are meant
to praise something that is obviously beyond the
biological
circumstance of being born
into 1 gender because you didn't choose which
gender you're born in. You cannot be praised
for something that you're not in control of.
So when Allah praises something, Allah is praising
that which
a particular person has chosen to do. When
a person
born a male
starts acting like a man, then Allah praises
those manly
characteristics.
So what is praiseworthy
masculinity
in the Quran?
So an example of where Allah praises masculinity
in the Quran
is Surah Yusuf. When Allah says, wamaarsallamankabblika
illa rijalannuhiilayhim.
Every prophet we sent before you was of
the rijal.
They displayed masculinity.
Right? Now by the way, there's a theological
controversy. Have there been any female prophets or
not?
And we're not gonna go there. There's 1
scholar that said there's 1 female prophetess, Mariam
alayhis salaam. And even if you say there
was
the the default of prophets, they have been
men, obviously. Even if you say that Mariam
was a prophetess, the default is that Allah
Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala chose men to be prophets.
And Allah is praising this by saying that
every prophet before you acted like a man
should act. Every prophet
displayed masculine traits. Every prophet was a rajul.
Every prophet had what it means to be
a rajul. And in the famous
conversation of Surat Al Kahf, when the 2
people are arguing,
1 of them says,
How can
you reject Allah when He blessed you? He
gave you all of this and He made
you into this masculine
characteristics. Allah blessed you to be a rajul.
And how can you reject Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala? So Allah is praising the fact when
a person acts like a rojul, this is
something that is praiseworthy.
What are some of these characteristics that Allah
praises? Notice, number 1,
Allah praises,
Of
the believers are men
who have fulfilled
what they promised Allah they would do.
What did they promise Allah to do? To
defend the Prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam to
death, to defend Islam even if their lives
were lost.
And Allah praises the martyrs of Badrul Uhud,
Allah praises the martyrs of khandaq, and Allah
says, There are those, they made a promise
to Allah and they acted like a man
to fulfill that promise. And some of them
even passed away and became shuhada
when they fulfilled that promise. So
the first characteristic in our list today, and
I'm just quoting all the verses not necessarily
in their tardeeba and ura, I'm just quoting
them. The first characteristic
is
bravery
to the point of losing one's life in
the defense of one's family and faith and
religion.
The first characteristic of being a man
is
sujaa,
courage,
is to fulfill your
promise to protect.
I promise to protect, I will protect you
to the end.
This is what Allah is praising. Minal mumineena
riqaalun
sadaquma ahadullahalay
Of the believers are real men.
They made a promise,
they made a commitment,
they said they would fight to death and
they fought to death and Allah praised them
for that commitment.
This is 1 aspect
of positive
masculinity.
Another that the Quran mentions that in Surat
At Tawbah, Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala says,
That as you know there was a controversy
amongst the Munafiqoon
who created another masjid and the prophet wasallam
was forbidden to pray in that masjid. And
the prophet was said,
it was told in the Quran, if you're
gonna pray then pray in masjidquba.
Don't pray over there. If you're gonna pray
another another masjid other than your masjid, then
go to masjidquba.
And Allah says
what's going here? That Masjid that was built
from its 1st day upon taqwa
Something's wrong with this. Where's our AV guy?
No, no, this is the better 1. Where's
our AV
guy? Not here.
No, no, the AV guy. Okay khair, when
they come. It's not the battery. Interesting liraf.
That masjid that was built upon taqwa Allah
says,
In that masjid
are men.
Masjid al quba,
there are men.
You RasulAllah
don't go to the other masjid.
That masjid,
they might be
males, but they're not men.
You should go to the masjid of men.
So why is the masjid of the munafiqun
criticized
the implication
they're not masculine? You're not worthy to go
there. You should go to the masjidah of
real men. So what was the other group
doing?
Hypocrites,
conniving,
lying,
double, crossing,
right? You're not acting like a man, you're
not a gentleman,
this is not what you're supposed to be
doing.
And as for the people of Quba, they
were gentlemen,
they were fulfilling their covenants,
they were worshiping Allah, they were constant in
their prayer. So Allah said, In Masjid Quba
they are the real men.
Not this masjid, the munafiqoon,
that are lying, double crossing,
playing games, playing drama. They're not acting like
a gentleman should act. So Allah talks about
akhlaq,
real akhlaq.
And Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala criticizes
those that are double faced
as saying, you're not acting like a man.
That's not how a man asks, acts. That
on the 1 hand you pretend as if
you're friendly as the munafiqun pretended, right? And
on the other hand you go and backstab.
That's not gentlemen.
The people of Quba, they are the real
men. The people of Quba are, and then
Allah mentions, there are also people
who, fihirijaron
yuhibuna anya tataharu.
There are people who love to purify themselves
before coming to pray. This is an interesting
characteristic
of a man. Allah says
basically,
the men are those who are following the
sharia down to the smallest detail.
They're making sure they do wudu properly because
the people of Quba were praised
for doing wudu every time they come to
the masjid. Even if they had wudu, they
would do wudu.
So they're demonstrating
piety
to the small issues.
And Allah says this is manhood,
that you are
lowering yourself for the sake of Allah, following
the most minute details for the sake of
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. Notice by the way,
I'm jumping the gun here, In all of
these verses,
real manhood
is not being contrasted with women,
is being contrasted with men who don't live
up to real manhood.
A real man is not competing against a
woman.
That's where toxic masculinity comes. There is no
competition.
If you feel you're so threatened as a
man that you have to compete against a
woman, well then I'm sorry you've lost the
plot.
That's where toxic masculinity
comes. Notice all these verses. The competition is
against losers amongst the men.
The competition
is amongst those who are born male,
but they're not living up to the positive
characteristics of masculinity.
That's your competition.
You see, sisters and brothers,
there is no war between the genders as
feminists want you to believe. We don't believe
there is 1. The sharia doesn't posit 1.
There is no war. There is no battle.
We're on the same team. The problem comes
amongst men and women when you start positing
the battle.
The problem comes when you take each other
as the competition, then as they say, all
* breaks loose. Sorry to be blunt here.
That's the reality.
Once you start wanting to compete on the
genders,
you've lost the plot. The Quran
never brings up Rujula
as a category
distinct to unutha, distinct to femininity. There is
no competition there.
Yes, male and female, that's the distinction that's
biological
at birth. Male and female, you didn't choose
that, and each 1 is equal in the
Quran. But rujula
as a praiseworthy
characteristic
is not used in contradistinction
to unutha, in contradistinction
to femininity.
There is no competition. It is used as
a distinct category of males
who are
exemplifying
positive
masculine traits. Is that clear?
Another example in the Quran, Surat Anur, Surat
Anur.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says,
Rijal.
Rijal.
And without a doubt,
Allah is using the term rijal
the same way that we would say in
English to 1 another, be a man.
How we say that, be a man. That's
literally what Allah is saying. These are men.
There is positive masculinity.
Read the Quran. Allah is praising Rujula.
But again, be a man, not against a
woman. Be a man a'e. When Allah made
you a male, live up to the characteristics
that make masculinity
positive.
This is what is being right now, I
forgot to translate. What is Surat Anur saying?
To to rehash because I don't want to
go over the whole tafsir,
that
men are those
who are always coming to the masjid,
and
leaving their businesses
when it's time to pray,
and preferring the prayer of Allah and the
dhikr of Allah when it's time to pray
over their businesses.
And then Allah says, and they fear none
except Allah.
Men fear
none but Allah,
this is masculinity.
By explicit testimony of the Quran.
You want to be a man?
First and foremost
this ayah,
prioritize the worship of Allah over your wealth
and fame,
Prioritize the dhikr of Allah.
You said,
They're mentioning Allah morning and night.
And Their tijara,
their businesses, their 9 to 5 jobs don't
stop them from doing zikr of Allah, don't
stop them from worshiping Allah and establishing the
prayer.
And they fear none except Allah.
And again, there's nothing to do with women
in this ayah, absolutely nothing. It's not against
women. Women can also make dhikr. Women can
also go to the masjid. Has nothing to
do with women. It's to do with men
who prefer their businesses over the masjid. Those
aren't real men. With men who are cowards,
those aren't real men. With men who are
not doing dhikr, Allah is saying that's not
being a man the way I want you
to be a man.
So the Quran explicitly says masculinity
over here has to do with
a sense of bravery.
You're not scared of anyone or anything.
You're not scared of any being other than
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
And 1 other verse we'll mention and then
I'll mention 5 points because I know time
is limited. I'll mention 5 points of toxic
masculinity specifically. What is toxic
masculinity? Another verse that praises manhood,
wajaaarajulummin
aqosalmadinatiya'sa.
A man came running from the other side
of town.
Allah calls him a man.
A man came running.
And in the other verse, wajaamin aqsmadi rajulunyaasa
Same thing. The 1 of them is the
Musa story and the other is Surah Yaseen
story.
The same concept is there. And Allah calls
the both of them men. A man came.
In both of these stories,
what characterizes
that man?
Bravery,
to stand up against his people,
to
stand up for the truth
at great cost.
So much so that 1 in Surah Yaseen,
he's killed,
and Allah calls him a man.
That's that man
who enters Jannah.
Why does he enter Jannah? Because in his
bravery,
he stood up and he spoke the truth.
And he said to the people, I'm telling
you to follow the Prophets.
I'm telling you they're speaking the truth. He
was a nobleman of his own
town. He was of the elite of his
own town.
And the townspeople
felt betrayed
when 1 of their leaders
says follow the prophets of Allah, and they
started ganging up on him, and they started
beating him up until they ended up killing
him, and Allah called him a man.
Once again, not in contrast to a woman,
in contrast to cowards amongst the male
gender,
in contrast to those who know the truth
but don't speak the truth.
They're scared.
So notice here, in all of these verses,
sorry to be blunt here,
number 1, there's no there's no notion of
going to the gym and having big biceps,
not a single aya or hadith about
masculinity being
2 hours at the gym. Not that going
to the gym is wrong. Don't get me
wrong here.
There's no question physical strength is overall positive.
Don't misunderstand me.
But
fact of the matter,
toxic masculinity
prioritizes
physical strength, whereas the Quran
is exclusive
about spiritual strength.
Just being factual here.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed
with
the physical.
Obsessed to the point of it becoming a
fetish, to the point of becoming
narcissistic actually, aoodhubillah.
All they're worried about is that muscular chiseled
out, going to the gym, eating their, you
know, protein shakes, whatever it might be. All
they wanna do And the Quran never mentions
protein shakes.
The Quran mentions praying regularly in the masjid.
Oh man, if you cannot wake up and
pray fajr in the masjid, you're not a
man. It's as simple as that. You can
go to the gym 10 hours a day.
If in your heart you're scared of the
cancel culture,
you're scared of what people will say by
the testimony of the Quran, your biceps can
be, I don't know, 40 inches whatever it
is, you are not a man.
Real men
are not worried
about the gossip of society.
They're not worried about Kira Waqaal.
They're not worried about the cancel culture.
Real men only fear Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
And in order to do that, you don't
need biceps,
you need strength of the qalb.
That's what masculinity is.
So the Quran is clearly praising
rujula.
And as I explained,
rujula
is not the chromosomes.
Rojula
is not in contradistinction
to being female.
There is no competition.
Rojula is
finding
what characteristics
Allah has generally
given more of within 1 gender, and then
maximizing it to perfection.
That's what rujula
is.
That's what rujula is. Now,
what then
is toxic masculinity? Now obviously this is a
modern term,
and the Quran doesn't have toxic masculinity,
but 1 could derive there's something called
toxic masculinity from the sunnah. 1 could derive
it. And again, this derivation, I
understand it raises eyebrows and whatever. I mean,
it is what it is.
Much can be said. Time is always limited.
And,
anyway,
is it okay and permissible to
find references to modern notions in classical understandings
of the Quran and sunnah?
I'm of those who's open to this idea.
What's wrong with that? But obviously the conservatives
find that to be very problematic and they
don't wanna they don't wanna rethink through the
past. That's fine. That's on them. But in
my humble opinion, you can find
a understanding of toxic masculinity that is blameworthy
in the seerah,
in the
sunnah.
And that is in the famous incident,
Sahib Bukhari mentions it, that
a group of women complained to the prophet
sallallahu alaihi Wa Salam that their husbands had
abused them,
physically abused them.
And so they complained, they lined up outside
the house of the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam,
And they're complaining that you need to do
something at Rasulullah.
Our husbands are physically abusing us.
And the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam called
the people of Madinah. He gave a khutba,
not on jum'ah. He gave a special khutba.
And he said,
in this morning, today,
a number of ladies came
complaining that their husbands
abused them.
Then what did he say?
These are not the best of your men.
To me, this is an example of toxic
masculinity.
He's criticizing
something that a man should not do.
These are not the best of your men.
Shouldn't be
doing this. It's not praiseworthy.
Using your physical strength in this manner? That's
not being a man. In that sense, like
we're saying, that's not being a man. It's
literally that tone. It's like these aren't the
best of your men.
To me this is an example of toxic
masculinity,
where 1 finds that, yeah, there are things
you can do as a man,
some might consider manly,
but they're not Islamically positive masculinity.
So what are some examples that come to
mind? And again, this is just a tentative
list, and maybe in the q and a
or discussion we can do, more. So III
was thinking about this for a while. Obviously,
this topic that a lot of us are
involved in because of the
zeitgeist of the time. But so 1 of
the things that I think is an example
of of toxic masculinity
is
power dynamics and control.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed with dominance.
It wants to control
the feminine,
control the female,
control the wife and daughter, and it promotes
the idea that a man should be
aggressive
in that notion of control.
And in my humble opinion,
the Quran and the Sira
is not about control,
It is about leadership through respect and collaboration.
There's no question leadership. For those who attended
yesterday, I don't wanna go over that whole
talk I gave at INT.
I don't wanna go over that whole talk.
Please don't go. Yeah. Don't go over that
whole talk. So
I just summarize some aspects of that. We
can do that, but without a doubt,
the Quran
talks about
male leadership
in a marriage. There's no question about this.
Leadership
is not the same as *.
Leadership is not the same as being bossy.
So the Quran is talking about healthy masculinity
and the seerah teaches us that leadership comes
not by raising your voice and screaming and
shouting, but by earning the respect of your
wife.
Your wife genuinely
respects you
and gives you that authority because you have
earned it
by virtue of the fact you are acting
the way a husband should act.
Yes. You're still the leader. No question about
it. That's what the Quran. I'm not mincing
my words here. 2 people can't drive the
same boat. 2 people can't drive the same
ship. 2 people can't steer the same car.
There's no question the Quran has.
But
that daraja and that is
not done
by flexing your physical muscles in the face
of your wife. What type of leadership is
that? It has to come genuinely. And we
know this from the corporations that we all
know.
Genuine leadership
that works is a leadership that the people
respect, not a leadership that they despise and
hate, not a leadership that is threatening to
fire every worker. When you respect your boss,
when you respect the company CEO, when you
respect the ethos, you will give your full,
and the whole company will flourish.
And when that respect isn't there, you're just
waiting to leave, that company is not gonna
flourish. So toxic masculinity versus
Islamic healthy masculinity.
The second point
about toxic masculinity, I would say, is the
overall
rigidity
when it comes to gender roles.
That toxic masculinity
wants to
be
super strict according to
the letter of the law that they have
read.
And whatever they think a man should do,
even down to the minutiae of the lists
of what a man or woman should do,
they wish to enforce in their personal lives.
Whereas healthy masculinity
is flexible
in understanding
gender roles, acknowledging that at times a man
can be a caregiver to the children. At
times a man can also do the chores
of the household. At times a man can
also do whatever is typically what the woman
does. It's not gonna hurt your manhood. But
a toxic masculine trait, I'm never gonna do
the dishes. I'm never gonna take care of
the kids. I'm never gonna do this and
that. As if you have to prove
some list you made in your head.
So toxic masculinity
is obsessed with a rigidity
of gender roles.
Whereas real human beings understand
sometimes we have to swap roles, not a
problem. It doesn't hurt my manhood if I
have to do what generally my wife does.
And once in a while if I'm sick
or whatever, if my wife has to do
what I have to do, no problem. It
doesn't hurt my manhood in this regard. So
understanding
the human reality of lived experience
rather than wanting to enforce a strict notion
of what it means of gender roles. And
we We talked about gender roles yesterday as
well, so wait. I don't wanna go there.
But I think this is another example of
toxic versus healthy masculinity.
There is no question there are default roles.
There's no question. But these default roles,
you can modify them if time and place
need you can change them. You can swap
a few hours, a few days. It's not
gonna hurt my manhood to do so. But
to be obsessed, I'm never gonna, it's not
yet. That's your job to do. You're not
gonna flourish in this regard. That's not real
masculinity.
And we find this in the seerah of
the prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam. Without a
doubt, the default is that our mothers
were the caretakers.
Our mothers took charge of the home without
a doubt. Yet our prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam, we all know that he would also
do his own chores. Nothing. There's no there's
no hurt to your manhood. He would stand
up and go milk the goat which was
considered a feminine task. He would stand up
and get water from he wouldn't just tell
his wife, oh, give water to me from
he would go and get his own water.
Even though the cultural norms of the time
were that the woman serviced the husband. That's
the cultural norm. But again, it doesn't hurt
my manhood to be nice to my spouse.
Doesn't hurt my manhood to organically modify those
culture rules. So this is a second example
of toxic versus,
healthy masculinity.
A third manifestation
and example
is
the false notion
of toxic masculinity
that men
should not display emotions,
that men should be stoic,
that men cannot have feelings,
cannot
be hurt, cannot
cry even,
and this
is patently false.
The prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam cried multiple
times in public,
multiple times.
His son is dying in his hand and
the tears are coming from his face salallahu
alayhi wa sallam. And even the sahab are
like
you also cry?
Because they hadn't usually seen him cry, right?
But I mean your son is dying in
your hand, you're not gonna cry?
I mean there's a problem if at that
stage you think your masculinity
prevents you from shedding tears, then you have
a serious problem. And that's what our prophet
said
that
crying is Allah's mercy He has placed in
the hearts of His servants. If you if
your heart is that cold
that you need to prove your manhood
And the other example of alakra comes when
the the the the the chieftain came
and the prophet was throwing
Hassan up in the air and he was
kissing Hassan, right? And the chieftain in his
harshness he goes you pick your kids up
and kiss them? That's a feminine thing.
I have 10 children.
I have never once picked them up and
kissed them
because he needed to prove he's a man.
A man doesn't pick up the kids. A
man doesn't kiss children. That's a woman does
that.
And our prophet said,
what can I do if Allah has removed
all compassion from your heart?
You're that hard hearted, you're that arrogant, that
stuck up that you think being a man
means you can't show love to your kids,
can't play with your wife and children, then
what can I do?
This is toxic masculinity. These are examples of
toxic masculinity where you need to make a
point, a man doesn't do that.
What world are you living
in? Again, we see this in reality.
And now to be fair
and to be accurate,
please don't misunderstand me.
Generally speaking, and this is reality,
men have a higher level
of emotional tolerance than women.
And that's factually correct. We all know this
even biologically, scientifically.
But to claim that men shouldn't have emotions
is what I'm talking about.
To claim that men should never display emotions,
men should never be vulnerable, men should never
cry, men should never show compassion.
This is what I'm talking about. I'm not
saying the 2 are the same. Clearly, they're
not the same, And there is hikmah in
this because 1 of the 2 genders
needs to be more logical and rational, and
1 of them needs to be more loving
and empathetic. And the 2 comes together, we're
great on a team. You need that team
for the children. You need 1 of them
that's more concerned about long term, even if
it means they have to go to sleep
and wake up and go to their work
the next day, and the other 1 spends
the whole night away because the the son
or daughter is in fever. You need that
yin and yang. You need that opposite to
in order for the team to flourish. So
I'm not saying, don't misquote me, that men
and women have the same
emotional,
makeup. Of course they don't. But what I
am saying, they're both emotional,
and to claim that the 1 is not
is toxic masculinity,
and to claim that men should never be
vulnerable, should never display emotion. No.
Agreed. And I'll say this bluntly. The bar
is generally higher for men. That's very true,
and there's nothing wrong with this, and it
doesn't make women lesser. As I said, there's
no competition. The problem comes when you think
there's competition. We need our mothers to be
more loving. We need our wives to be
more empathetic. That's the reality. That's yin yin
yang is there. But to claim that men
should never display emotion, and to display emotion
is a sign of weakness. That is what
I'm saying is toxic masculinity.
It's okay to
let loose
and especially in front of your wife to
find that safe comfort zone with your wife
and spouse. Our prophet
sees Jibreel, and he's petrified.
Who does he go running home to? Not
Abu Talib, who was his father figure,
not ummit Talib, who is his mother figure,
not any of his cousins that he grew
up with. He goes running home to Khadija,
trembling,
so frightened.
And
Khadija
hugs him because every man here knows
you need the love of your wife when
you're most down,
and that comforts you like nobody else can
comfort you.
You need your wife to literally just hug
you and tell you I'm here. It's okay.
It's all gonna be good.
There's nothing wrong with that.
And to presume there's something wrong with that
is toxic masculinity. Is that clear? Right?
Now, how often does that happen? Once every
5, 10, 20 years in the sea, they're
like, yeah. Okay. Shouldn't happen every single time.
But every once in a
while, life gets tough, and you need just
cheering up. Even in the battle on
the Hudaybiyyah,
right, when the prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam
saw none of the sahaba respond to his
call,
He couldn't let out in front of the
sahaba.
Because again there is an element, the bar
is higher. So I am being blunt here.
The bar is higher amongst men. A real
man, without a doubt, on the default, the
bar is raised higher, but
you need safe space. So what does he
do? He goes
to Umma
Salama and he opens up to her
and he confides in her and she can
see the distress
and the pain,
vulnerability.
That pain, she can see it because a
man needs a woman,
and there's nothing wrong with lowering that guard
in front of your wife to find that
comfort, to find that wisdom.
Any man who thinks that's a problem,
without a doubt that's toxic masculinity
there. Okay? So that's point number what?
What number is that?
Guys nobody's taking notes,
it's all good.
Now we move on to number 4 then.
Number 4,
a 4th point,
the mechanisms of conflict resolution.
I would say
this is an obvious distinction between toxic masculinity
and healthy masculinity.
When conflict happens, how do you resolve it?
Toxic masculinity
is done by flexing
the muscles
literally and metaphorically,
raising the voice,
giving commands,
expecting
blind obedience,
shouting,
threatening,
divorce, if you don't do this, ta da
da.
I challenge you to find 1 instance in
the seerah in which the prophet said to
his wives, If you don't do this, I'm
going to divorce you.
It's not what a man does.
Constantly threatening your wife with a divorce. What
type of marriage is gonna last like that?
What type of bravery is that?
Wallahi, it is the essence of cowardice, and
you are not a man. If every time
an argument happens, you threaten your wife. If
you dare do this, matunkutalaq
they're doing it. This is Pakistani drama. It's
not real life. And honestly our Pakistani dramas
are big fitna because they miseducate
about fiqh and about how a marriage should
be. Com complete disaster. Well, anyway, that's all
different topic altogether.
What was I saying about Pakistani dramas? Q
and A.
We still have 5 minutes. No. No. I'll
ask you about Okay.
I don't watch Pakistani dramas. Then how do
you know?
Somebody in my family does.
Used to. Right, Jacob? And it's like, I
just don't understand. It's always the same routine.
Line always the same thing over and over
again. Seriously, just anyway. Okay.
Enough of Pakistani dramas. Where was so point
number 4 was what? Conflict resolution. How do
you think a man,
a real man, resolves conflict?
Men, how do you think a man should
resolve a conflict?
Tell me.
Communication. Exactly.
Communication.
Talk.
Empathy.
Understanding.
Shura.
Don't threaten.
Raise your
voice. Give empty. What type of
you are the boss. If you have to
tell your employees, I am the boss, you've
lost your boss status.
You understand what I'm saying here? Any boss
that goes in and threatens the employees, I'm
your boss. I'm gonna fire you. All the
employees have lost their respect.
You don't need to mention you're the boss
if you're really the boss.
And without a doubt, a man is a
leader in a marriage. I'm not gonna mince
my words here. I don't care about political
correctness.
I believe in the Quran, and I believe
in biology, and I believe in genuine healthy
masculinity and femininity.
A man is the leader,
but if he needs to say he's the
leader, he's not a leader.
If he needs to constantly
flex that he's the leader, he's failed in
be yeah. He's failed in being the leader.
A leader doesn't need to boast he's the
leader.
A leader acts like 1. And when he
acts like 1,
then those that should follow understand, and they
follow
because these earn the respect of those that
need to follow.
So conflict resolution is done from within, not
from without. It is done
talking, dialogue,
empathy.
That's healthy masculinity.
Because in the end of the day, your
wife is not your enemy. She's on your
team. She's on your team. You are 1
group.
If you need to take your wife as
an enemy, you've lost the entire marriage.
So
toxic masculinity
resolves conflicts
via
aggressiveness,
via threats,
via raw displays of power.
And real men,
healthy men.
And that's why,
again, the interesting incident of the.
It is funny. It is what it
is. Where Abu Bakr as Siddiq visited,
the house of Aish radhiallahu anha, his daughter,
when the prophet was there, and he heard
our mother Aisha
raising her voice
loudly,
rebuking, getting angry,
and the prophet is silent.
Right?
This is an awkward incident, but it's in
our books. I'm not inventing this up.
This is a real man.
I'm I'm sorry to be blunt here. This
is a real man.
What does he lose? Let's let your wife
get angry for whatever. We don't even know
the reason. It's not our business to know
the reason, by the way. But any married
couple, you know this. Sometimes your wife is
irritated for a legitimate reason.
Let her express some frustration.
You don't lose your manhood. You don't lose
your masculinity.
And the process is silent.
Abu Bakr radiAllahu an loses the temper, and
he barges in.
It's his daughter's house, and he knows that
it's his daughter. There's no aura there means
he He barges in,
and he raises his hand
to smack his own daughter
and say, How dare you raise your voice
above the voice of Rasulullah Sallalahu Alaihi Wasallam?
Are you not terrified? Allah will punish you
with an adab.
And as He raises his hand,
Aisha jumps up, she doesn't know what to
do, she runs behind the Prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam. The same 1 she's screaming at, now
she runs behind him to protect. Right? And
so the process embraces himself up to physically
protect his wife when they're having an argument,
and now some physical pain will come,
this is what you call a man.
Brothers, you're listening to me.
This is a gentleman.
Between husband and wife, let it be. No
big deal.
But now and this is not a threat,
but it's his own father, and he has
the right in that culture. He has the
right to discipline his daughter. I'm not gonna
sugarcoat it. Times were different back then. Okay?
Even when we were growing up, our parents
disciplined us, by the way. Right? Only now
in the last 15 years, in my generation
and in your generation, you know how the
world was back then. Only now our kids
are gonna call 911 because they've been taught
via Disney and whatnot. Otherwise this was the
reality for 10000 years. No problem.
Parents discipline their kids. Okay. And in this
case Abu Bakr feels entitled. I'm gonna discipline
my daughter. How dare you do this? This
is not how you treat your husband. Right?
The father says to the daughter,
that's a different dynamics.
As for the husband,
Chuubchab, quiet.
No need to, because in the end of
the day, he is in charge, and he
doesn't need to prove it by raising his
voice. And this is wisdom, and this is
long term.
You see all of this taking place here.
Right? So anyway, point number 4. Last point
I'll mention before Asif Bayh kicks me off
the stage.
Last point I'll mention
is what I'll call
perceptions
of strength, what it means to be strong.
How do toxic
masculine people
portray their strength, and how does healthy masculinity
portray their strength?
Toxic masculinity goes back to my point what
I that I said 20 minutes ago.
Toxic masculinity
is obsessed with physique
to the point of it becoming narcissistic.
Wallahi, it's a sickness.
The level that is rampant amongst your generation.
And again, please don't misquote me.
I'm not saying
being physically strong is unhealthy.
I am saying to be obsessed with the
physical completely
and ignore the spiritual is not Islamic masculinity,
and that is the default of masculinity of
our times.
That's what I'm saying.
To be obsessed
with physical
power, with dominance,
with a stoicism,
with a veneer of I'm not gonna have
any, you know, emotions.
Whereas
healthy
masculinity
takes into account the physique and the physical
body is secondary.
That's not the main expression of masculinity.
It's about
genuine
confidence in yourself and your abilities and your
leadership.
It is in understanding
the role Allah has given you and accepting
that role without needing to shove it in
other people's faces, but in acting the part
that Allah has given you. Oh men, you
are the kiwam in the marriage. You don't
need to prove it. Allah has given you
that right and biologically
men and women, wallahi, you don't have to
be a Muslim.
Biologically,
if a man acts like a man in
a relationship,
the woman as a default will act like
a woman, and the marriage is gonna flourish.
And women, if you act like a woman,
the default is you're gonna bring out the
positive characteristics of healthy masculinity. This is the
reality.
Right? So I wanna conclude on this point,
and that is that
healthy masculinity
and healthy femininity
feed into each other in a positive synergy.
Healthy masculinity
and healthy femininity
are not at war with 1 another.
Rather,
the 2 of them come together
is the pinnacle
of beauty,
and of love, and of marriage, and of
relationship.
Toxic femininity
and toxic masculinity
are at war with each other,
And there is no peace between these 2,
and no marriage will ever flourish if these
2 characteristics are found.
And
society hurts when these 2 traits come out.
So we must be opposed
to the toxic strands
and embrace the positive
and understand
the strength of a man and the strength
of a woman
comes from totally different areas,
and the 2 of them are equally strong
in the eyes of Allah if they claim
what is rightfully theirs. When a woman acts
like a woman, a woman's ultimate power is
in her femininity,
not in her competing with masculine traits.
And if a woman
empowers herself through femininity,
then the strongest man becomes her servant.
She will
literally
control
the man she wants,
not by competing
with his masculine characteristics,
but by showing her femininity.
And that every man here knows. It's a
secret we don't like to tell the other
side.
Every man here knows. If a woman
really wanted to control your heart, the way
to do so is not gonna be like
acting like a man. There is no competition.
You're gonna lose love. You're gonna but if
a woman
genuinely captures your heart through her feminine charm,
her halal sehar, I call it halal sehar.
Right? If she were to do that,
no man
can possibly
face that and not melt.
But the problem comes with femininity sorry, with
feminism.
Feminism has posited this war between men and
women.
And feminism has claimed that a woman needs
to prove her value
in accordance with the parameters of being a
man.
And so once you change the parameters, how
much do you earn? How much is this?
How much is that? What is your education?
What is this and that? That's not how
a woman proves her worth vis a vis
a man. Again, don't misunderstand me. I'm I'm
not saying about careers and educate. I'm saying
that's not competition.
We're not interested in that as competition.
Competition doesn't exist. We're on the same team.
If a woman acts like a woman, a
man acts like a man, the 2 will
come together in the most sweet and beloved
relationship,
and that is how a successful marriage takes
place.