Yasir Qadhi – Shattering Taboos Around Intimacy – Like A Garment

			Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu Welcome to the third and final series of shattering taboos
about intimacy. This last segment is a little bit difficult because one of the most sensitive areas
that I've come across and many of us preachers and scholars and daughter have come across is the
issue of certain verses in a hadith not being understood properly. And in fact, causing sometimes
even crises of faith in our sisters and sometimes brothers as well. For example, Allah says in the
Quran that men have the degree over women, or that the Hadith of the Prophet salallahu it who said
them, they're always misquoted or used by abusive husbands that, you know, if you don't answer the
		

			call of the husband, and the woman's going to be, you know, cursed until fudge and whatnot, and men
become angry and irritated, and they just throw this at their wives that you're going to be crushed
if you don't, if you don't answer my call. And these texts, instead of bringing about some type of
marital bliss, they actually become sources of problems for couples. And sometimes those problems
get to even a theological level where some people might even end up rejecting these verses, if not
the faith itself, because they don't quite understand and realize brothers and sisters that it's
never appropriate to misquote a partial Hadith or verse in isolation of the rest of the text. Yes,
		

			it is true that some verses might mention the privileges of one gender. But there are other verses
mentioned other things as well. Don't just quote one heavy and ignore 10 others. So the same book
that might mention this, Heidi also mentioned, for example, the Profit System saying that the best
of you are those who are best to their wives, and I am the best to my wife. That's what he said, the
best of the men are those who are the best to their wives and the ending of the profit. So lessons,
what better way that the Federal pilgrimage that Allah will ask you about your wives and how you
treated them. And the verse in the Quran that Allah subhana wa tada says, What a hoonah Miss Lula de
		

			la hinda, Bill Maloof, and the wives as well have obligations due to them, just like they have
obligations to give to their husbands, the both of them, they have to give similar rights to one
another bit and modeled off in accordance with the culture and the custom of the time. So brothers
and sisters, these topics obviously cannot be discussed in a lot of legal detail in these short mini
series, I just want to point out a number of things. Firstly, advice to the husbands, you will never
obtain marital bliss, by being nasty and mean to your wife, you're never going to attain happiness
by cutting half a verse or half a hadith and throwing it in anger at your wife as if you think that
		

			you have the right to judge her and past Allah's verdict on her. So if there are problems, and if
there are issues, the way to solve those issues is not to become nasty and mean and abusive. And
just to hurl around and headache at her as if that's going to solve the situation that's not going
to solve the problem. And secondly, brothers and sisters, realize that a lot of times problems are
coming from two ways. In other words, as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. And generally
speaking, there are causes that are from both partners may be even more from the partner that's
getting angry. So the question arises, why then is the in this particular case, if the husband feels
		

			angry that his needs have not been met, and she quotes this edit against the wife, then the husband
needs to think well? What might be the causes for this? Am I doing something as well that maybe she
doesn't feel the need to to be romantic with him? Am I being
		

			somebody who's not taking care of her emotional or physical needs? It's a two way street. And rather
than immediately jump to anger, try to talk and converse and find out what is going on. And I always
suggest that couples that are in trouble, they should go for marital therapy, simple videos are
these types of online instructions, much less Do It Yourself books are not going to solve the
problem. Go to people who are trained to go to licensed Muslim therapists who know how to understand
our our heritage and can help you out to overcome these things. Also, and I'm not going to deny that
yes, the Quran and Sunnah does have certain legal rulings that might seem to say that the husband
		

			has certain privileges that the wife doesn't have, but it's a two way street. The wife as well has
rights and obligations. So do not just quote one side of the equation without quoting the other side
of the equation. And lastly, brothers and sisters, a marriage can never flourish. If you're looking
at the letter of the law and not the spirit of the law. A marriage can never succeed.
		

			You're just obsessed with your rights. And you're not concerned with the rights of the other party.
Even if you feel the either party, even if you feel that the other partner isn't doing his or her
job. Firstly, ask yourself, Am I doing my job. And if you feel that you are, that's a different
situation, take it to a counselor, what not. But if you feel that you know what, maybe I myself also
have some issues, try to work on the marriage from the two way street. And I also have to say,
never, ever underestimate the power of kindness, of love, of mercy of gentleness, our prophets of
the love that he was send them said that kindness is something that beautifies whatever it is in,
		

			and harshness is something that scars everything that is in in one head. He said, Never his kindness
and gentleness added to something except that it beautifies it. So how much more so in a marital
situation, that kindness has to exist, you cannot have a healthy marriage that is based upon a legal
checklist, you have to do this, you have to do this, you have to do this, what type of marriage is
that, even if there are legal requirements, those legal requirements have to be a framework upon
which love and kindness exists. And not just a checklist of do's and don'ts. So brothers and sisters
do not misuse and abuse these ahaadeeth to cause some type of emotional trauma to your partner,
		

			these ahaadeeth exists and I'm not stuck with a lot of denying them, they're there. But there are
other ahaadeeth as well that it can be used by both sides. And the point of this, these ahaadeeth
were never used, or the Quran was never used to make one of the partners make the other one feel bad
to use these Quranic verse as tools as weapons to emotionally beat the other. These verses are meant
for their own genders to know their own rights, not for the other gender to use as a tool to bang
the other gender into submission, men should hear the verses about them, women should hear the
verses about them. And they should act in accordance with their belief in Allah subhanahu wa Tada.
		

			Also a very, very, very explicit point needs to be said here, brothers brothers in particular.
		

			If in case your wife for whatever reason, does not wish to engage in intimacy, that is between her
and Allah subhana wa Tada. And yes, if she doesn't have an excuse, then that's not something
positive. And they do, they're very, very clear that that's not something she should do. But that
does not give you the right to be abusive, that does not give you the right to curse or be vulgar,
that does not give you the right to be physical. And especially let me say this explicitly, that
does not give you the right to force yourself upon her. When she has said no, then that is something
that if she does not have an excuse, then she is sinful for refusing without a legitimate excuse. I
		

			will be the first to say that, but you are sinful if you abuse her saying no and use it against her
in a physical manner that is between her and Allah subhana wa Tada. And she will have to answer our
Prophet system did say that if the woman refuses without any valid reason, then the angels are angry
with her until sought after fudger. So yes, that is a spiritual thing the angels will curse with the
angels are angry with her that is a spiritual, he did not say husbands have the right to go
physically abused them. No, he didn't say that he did not say husbands forced yourselves on them. If
they say that they are not interested or they're not going to do that. They need to be advised by
		

			third parties. Sometimes the husband isn't the right person to even give that advice. They need to
be they need to discuss with their husbands later on what is going on. Most likely, it's a two way
street. They feel that their needs are not being met. And so they feel that this is something that
they're going to do in return. And of course, theoretically speaking, emotionally speaking, it's not
healthy. If a partner uses * and denies it as a weapon on the other that's not healthy in a
marriage. Nonetheless, if one partner decides to do that, it doesn't allow the other partner the
right to force himself or herself sometimes on the other partner. That is something that is not
		

			allowed in this religion. And it is a type of Ridwan, a type of transgression that the shediac will
not forgive. So bottom line brothers and sisters that it is true that there are verses and a hadith
that talks about the legal framework of marriage, and these need to be taken in the overall context.
Each partner has a list of do's and don'ts that is applicable to them. These do's and don'ts should
not be used as battering tools to hit the other person emotionally with them and say do this or else
that's never going to bring about a successful marriage. And if these issues are surfacing, problems
are happening. Both parties should calm down and be very, very frank and gentle and ask what is
		

			going on? Why is this taking
		

			Is there something that I have done that is causing this or an open up and try to go to a marital
counselor or a therapist and open up as well. And obviously the last point, you know, as obviously a
religious teacher, I have to tell you, this is a very necessary point, the both of you, husband and
wife to turn to Allah subhana wa tada for prayer for the, for guidance, the both of you should raise
your hands up and make dua to Allah to soften both of your hearts and to better the marriage, it
doesn't make sense to win an argument by losing the marriage, rather, the marriage has to be
maintained as much as possible. And that is the ultimate goal of the shediac. Well, that brings us
		

			to the conclusion of our three part series. Now I know from the feedback, we've been getting in the
comments that a lot of you want to go into more detail and want to study this and obviously, you
know, an in depth environment. And while this is the the last of our three part series, it is not
the end of our journey, we do have a fourth bonus video, where we talk more about the enhancements
that we've done to our likely garment program and system and not hit big O Allah has joined our team
as well. And she is a licensed mental health counselor, who, as we said, has written deep Islamic
guide to the Gottman Institute. And she's also counseled many, many couples as well. And that
		

			hamdulillah I'm very happy to say that from the last launch of like a garment. We've actually done
extensive surveys. I'm very proud that we have a team that has done exhaustive surveys of 3000
couples, well, 3000 people, some of them couple, some of them singles, 3000 people have taken our
online surveys, a very exhaustive survey. And we've heard you we've heard, what are the points that
you wanted to hear what are the points that were missing? What are the issues that needed further
clarification. And so at Hamdulillah, we're launching an enhanced version of like a Garmin where
we've taken all of that feedback, and we have a new team as well, we've modified we've subtracted
		

			we've deleted we've added an additional load to either we're very, very confident present the latest
version. Until then, I'd like to ask you that you send us via the comments and the feedback. The
number one lesson that you've learned in this video, or overall in the three part series. Lastly,
brothers and sisters make dua to Allah subhana wa tada to protect you from Hadrian minor sins to
bless you with all blessings of this world in the next and of the greatest blessings as our prophets
have always said. I've said this whole world is just a temporary enjoyment, but the best and the
most blessed enjoyment that Allah can give us with is a righteous spouse a good partner in our
		

			lives. So make dua to Allah that Allah blesses you with a righteous partner if you're not married,
if you're single, may he bless you with the comfort of your eyes and the coolness of your heart. If
you're already married, may he bless you with beautiful marriages that will sustain in this world
and keep you all the way to the next is that como la halen, Santa Monica
		

			Catherine