Yasir Qadhi – Resolving Marital Conflicts

			We typically overlook that which is positive, and we take it for granted. And we concentrate on that
which is negative, that which is positive with it, we don't even think about it, I'll give you a
simple example. We don't value our health until it's taken away. We don't value the fact we don't
have a headache until we have a headache. We don't value the fact how easy it is for us to be
walking around until my foot or your foot is a problem, we have to then go and crutches, we don't
value what we have, until it's taken away. So our profit cells, hello, loads of them said, Let no
person only look at the negatives of his or her spouse. If for every negative, there will be
		

			positive, look at those positives as well. So this is a second way that we can reconcile marital
dispute, there is no doubt that your spouse has certain things that are irritating for you. Just
like you have things that are irritating for your spouse, rather than concentrate on that list of
negatives, take a step back and say, okay, what's the positives? Perhaps one spouse might be, I
don't know, maybe a little bit complaining about one issue. Okay, let's look at some of the
positives. Maybe that spouse is really good. As a parent, maybe that spouse is good in dealing with
the tantrums of the children, and you're not good that good at dealing with the town, some of the
		

			children, maybe one spouse spends a lot of money or wants to spend a lot of money, but at the same
time that spouse is very loving to the partner. So whatever the negative is, our Profit System said,
Don't just concentrate on the negative, let no person despise let no male that Hadith is actually
explicit men versus momina. And of course, the context means the husband versus the wife. And of
course, the opposite applies the wife versus the husband, let no husband despise his wife. If there
are certain things he doesn't like, surely there must be things that are pleasing about her that
he's not looking at. He's taking for granted, he's ignoring. So don't do that. Make sure you look at
		

			the positive before you jump to the negative. So this is the second point that we have the third
point so once we've come to the that we're giving various points number one, no marriage is without
strife. The perfect marriage is gonna have strife as our profit system had. Number two, no one
should concentrate on the negatives. They're also positive or that's actually number three. Sorry,
number one was both parties are not perfect. Sorry at this point number three, point number four.
		

			One of the most optimistic verses in the whole Quran about marriage is the following. Allah says in
the Quran
		

			in Uri the Islam you are filthy La Habana Houma. This should be in my humble opinion, memorized by
both partners before they get married. It is the most optimistic verse when it comes to marriage in
the Koran. What is it translate as Allah is talking about husband and wife fighting husband wife
having a issue between them, if the both of them want to be reconciled, if the both of them want to
solve the argument, if the both of them want to overcome the problem, a law will bring about a
solution to their problem, this sort of thing. Nyssa read it. It's such a positive verse in the
Quran. Allah is promising we all know we all know that. Allah wants us to preserve our marriages.
		

			shavon wants us to break them off. We know this, that our Prophet says himself the worst Helen in
the eyes of Allah is Allah. It's Helen but it is the worst halaal are the most despised. halaal
Allah Allah and Allah tala nobody, Allah doesn't like enough. shaitaan likes Allah, you know this
right? chiffon rejoices one product takes place. So Allah is saying, look, husband and wife, if you
want to stay married, and you want to overcome your problems, Allah is promising. I will bring about
a solution. You are a law who obey Noma between the two of them, a law will bring about that Sophia.
And Sophia clear means reconciliation between the two. It is impossible if husband and wife won the
		

			marriage to last for the sake of a law obviously, it's understood, right? You want to be married and
you have a lot on your mind that we want to please a lot and we want to bring about a solution.
Allah is saying I will bring about a solution. Now obviously, if one of the two doesn't want to
remain married, well then we
		

			What can be done, then we'll come to that point in a while. But here's the point for this one.
		

			If both parties are sincere, they will find a solution Alhamdulillah that should be the best source
of optimism. Okay, next point, I'm not keeping track of numbers or whatever it is the next point.
		

			I will our Prophet Sall Allahu alayhi wa sallam warned us when one of you is angry, let him not
speak. This Hadith is in the context of between friends, how much more so between spouses. When you
have an argument, stay quiet. You don't need to say anything. You don't need to solve the argument
when you're angry. Anger is not the time to solve the argument. Rather, solve the argument when you
and your partner the spouses have calmed down, I will process them give us advice. When one of you
gets angry standing up, sit down, sitting lie down. Whenever one of you gets angry, say I will be
live in a town or a gym. When one of you gets angry, go do will do when one of you gets angry, be
		

			quiet. This is a hadith when one of you gets angry, Leah Scott, let him be quiet. Don't speak when
you're angry. By the way. Same applies to WhatsApp and text messages and writing emails do not do
that when you're angry, calm down. And especially husbands, husbands in particular, Allah has given
us more of a responsibility, because
		

			the Torah is in the right of the husband. And in the state of anger of the husband says something
that will they will later regret it is the husband that has that privilege with privilege comes
responsibility. So even if the wife is saying things in anger, all that she says cannot break the
bonds of marriage. But if the husband is provoked, and the husband says something, rubella, then
they're going to come ask him for a fatwa. And I said this year and what do I do know Quiet, quiet.
Even if the woman is speaking, let her speak. You have to maintain your dignity. You have to
maintain your anger until your anger calms down, then discuss what needs to be discussed. No problem
		

			once the anger calms down. also realize my dear brothers and sisters, Allah created men and women
differently. Each one has their their strengths and their weaknesses. And of the weaknesses that
perhaps the woman has is that words hurt them more than they hurt the husband. So whatever your wife
says, maybe you will forgive and forget in a day or a week. But as we all know, one word you say
shall be memorized for all of eternity, and be brought back and regurgitated Oh, seven years, three
months and two days ago, you said this. This is the way Allah created them. They have their
strengths, we have our strengths, they have the weaknesses, we have our weaknesses of their
		

			weaknesses, words hurt them more than they hurt us. So therefore, be careful. And don't say when
you're angry. This is one of the ways to solve the marriage don't say anything, when our profit
system was angry, as Irish and others say they could see it from his expression. They couldn't hear
it because he didn't speak, they could see it that his eyebrows would become furrowed, they would
know he's angry, but they wouldn't hear it because he would keep his tongue in check. So this is
another point of trove of reconciling our scholars mentioned, speech is like an arrow that you
shoot, once you shoot it, you cannot bring it back. So be careful what arrows you should, if you
		

			keep it inside, you're not shooting the arrow, you're fine. No matter how angry you are, no one's
gonna get angry at you for being angry. But everyone will get angry at you for what you said in the
state of anger. So do not attempt to solve the problem when you are angry, even if the other partner
is angry. And the same advice for our sisters as well that in case your husband is in a state that
they're just angry, angry, angry, then maintain the dignity and try your best to until the situation
calms down and then attempt to solve the problem. Also, some of the things that our psychologists
and counselors and therapists mentioned is that one and this is something we find from the theater
		

			as well, that one chooses the right time and place to bring up the issues of the past to try to
solve them. Not every time and place is more Nasim, and you know what time is best? And what
situation is best, you know, what is the best way to bring up and what is the best time to bring up
something to be solved? And this is something that cannot be taught. It's human nature, be wise,
when do you want to solve this issue and realize husbands and wives, the goal is not to win the
argument. The goal is to preserve the marriage. The goal is not to win one argument. The goal is to
preserve the marriage and sometimes one party will quote unquote
		

			lose an argument, but win over the hearts of the other partner, while llahi that is a victory, that
is a victory if you lose one argument, but you gain the love of your spouse, this is a victory for
you and the children. Do not let your ego destroy your children's lives. Do not let your ego
permanently harm you. Marriages given take marriage is all about compromise. It's all about
compromise. And sometimes you have to compromise and sometimes your partner has to compromise. And
each marriage situation is different, who compromises an ideal situation. 5050. But realistically,
we know that doesn't happen. Some personalities are stronger than others, okay, that's the way Allah
		

			created. Your goal is not the pleasure of the partner. It is the pleasure of Allah subhana wa Tada.
Which brings us to the next point. If both partners have a law in the picture, then in sha Allah, in
sha Allah, there can be reconciliation. But if they remove Allah from the picture, then their egos
become big, because you see, when you both love a lot, when you both want to strive to reach Allah,
then your egos will be kept in check, Allahu Akbar, then my ego and her ego, Allahu Akbar, then us
getting involved without trying to please Allah. And that is why having a righteous spouse,
generally speaking, generally speaking, brings about a better marriage. It's a general rule. There
		

			are always exceptions. In this regard, generally speaking, a righteous spouse brings them a better
marriage. Why not? Because not just because righteousness automatically translates into better
o'clock? No, there's a bigger reason. And that is when the both of you are closer to Allah, then
your values, your goals are aligned together, and your egos are put in check. So the both of you are
willing to compromise, not for your sake or her sake, for the sake of the one up there. And that is
why when the believing man and woman when they are both conscious of Allah, they're willing to
compromise more in this, you know what, Allah will reward me, that attitude alone will reward me It
		

			solves so many problems of marriage, okay, I'll lose this argument in your heart to say, I'll lose
this argument, I'll just ignore this and move on for the sake of my life for the sake of my
children, and Allah will bless. And Allah will bless us. And Allah, Allah will make it better for
you. Also one of the things our psychologists mentioned. And it's a very simple point, when you sit
down to resolve the issue and problem, obviously, communicate in explicit phrases, this is something
that a lot of times, perhaps husbands and perhaps wives, they don't do. A lot of times, we'll make
assumptions we read in media, we read in something that doesn't necessarily exist. So before we even
		

			try to solve the problem, we need to state the problem in simple terms, from our perspective, a lot
of times the spouse is not fully aware of the severity of the problem of the nature of the problem,
and they're making an assumption and the other partner feels you already know what's wrong. No,
don't make that assumption. Maybe the other partner does not know what is wrong. So you need to
state the problem in simple language, also, our our therapists say, when you say the problem, do not
use accusative language, rather speak in the first person, this is a simple trick of psychology. Do
not say you did this to me. Because automatically when you say you, then the second person becomes
		

			in the defensive, never accused when you're stating the problem. Rather speak in the first person.
When you speak in the first person, automatically. You're taking the finger out of the other you
say, for example, I felt very hurt when this occurred. When you might have said this, don't say you
said this, and You embarrassed me No, say I felt embarrassed when you said this changes the whole
narrative because now you're trying to show your side of the story in your language rather than
accusing you come out as the one who's explaining what happened and maybe just maybe your partner
your spouse didn't understand the severity didn't understand the emotional issue. So when you say I
		

			rather than you, this solves a lot of problems as well and you speak in the first person and you use
gentle language as we all know from our professor someone he said that oh I Isha. Oh, Isha
gentleness, always beautifies everything. And harshness always makes everything ugly. When you
speak, gently explain. Explain your point. And then listen back and forth and realize in most
scenarios in most scenarios, it's not 100% right one partner 0%, right. The other partner No, in
most scenarios, it's 70.
		

			30 6040 there's a little bit of back and forth. So we need to understand the other side and then
attempt to work together in this and final points as well before we finish off, never underestimate
the power of law. Never underestimate the power of law. If we're supposed to make drying the Quran
for people that are not even related to us, Aloma Olive Bay, Nakuru Bina the Muslim Ummah, Allah
bring us together, we're supposed to make dua for strangers of the oma, our love, don't make our
hearts disunited. We make this to offer generic strangers how much more so for our spouses how much
more so for our marriages, do not underestimate the power of the app when no one is listening to
		

			you. Raise your hands up to Allah, Allah will listen to you and say, Oh Allah, soften my heart and
the heart of my spouse and make us come together, make dua to Allah, our Prophet sallallahu alayhi
wa sallam said, The heart is between the two fingers of a law, he changes it however he wants. A law
can change the hearts of anyone. And perhaps maybe it is your heart that is hard, and you're not
seeing it. So make dua to Allah, Oh Allah soften my heart and the heart of my spouse so that we come
back together. And then how many points let's say two points left. And this is actually a detailed
class, I have a detailed class I have taught online and whatnot, it's not available on YouTube, I've
		

			talked a lot in class about marriage and whatnot, will mention two other points. If the situation is
not solved internally, then the Quran mentions another step. The Quran mentions another step, that
suppose it is a very big issue, it is really causing disunity in the family and the two of you
polite discussion calmly using eye language when both of you are calm, it doesn't solve it, then
what do you do, Allah has given us in the Quran, to hacker moment, Allah, He will hack a moment
earlier, the two of them should decide, each one reaches out to somebody that they both look up to a
cousin, an uncle, a relative, a family friend, each one has one on their side, each one has one that
		

			they're more sympathetic to, right. So the wife might have a brother, she might have a cousin, she
might have a family friend that knows her since she was a child, say I'm gonna invite uncle so and
so. And then the other brother says, You know what, I'm gonna invite our family friend, somebody
that knows the both of them, but they know one side more than the other, so that each side feels I'm
getting my partner, I'm getting my teammates, right, and then bring in the both of them. And then
they open up and they say this is what happened. And in this case, they're allowed to say anything
about the other, you know, partner that they think needs to be said, and Allah azza wa jal mentioned
		

			in this context, that if they really want reconciliation, even though it comes after this, but the
verse is broad enough to apply to any situation, if they really want reconciliation, Allah will
bring about reconciliation. Bringing in a third party is something that opens our horizons all too
often, we are totally blinded by our worldview, when a friend comes in, and he says, Hey, bro, you
really, you went too far, you shouldn't have done that. Then, even though our wife was saying that
for a year, you went too far, when our friend says that you say, Oh, I guess I guess my wife was
right, our ego will not accept it from the wife. But when the friend says it, then we might accept
		

			it. Or the same with the wife that we are saying we are saying when her friend says when her cousin
says she might say, okay, maybe my husband was right, I'm sorry, this is the point of bringing in
the external party, because all too often, our egos blind us, if even this does not work. And the
two parties, the two judges that come and by the way, these judges don't have to be PhDs in Sharia,
they're family, friends with wisdom, their relatives that have lived life more than you simple as
that they just know the situation, you know that they can be a neutral third party, they don't have
to have a lot of knowledge of zero. This is just family, friends or relatives that you trust for
		

			their wisdom. That's all that it is. And we all know people like this that can help us out. If these
two come together, and they say, You know what? irreconcilable differences between the husband and
wife are not on the same wavelength. And the husband wife prays that harder and they think that
maybe it's not best for them to continue. Then and only then the final situation which Allah says in
the Quran, either you hold on to the marriage with your son, or you let go with your son, there
should be no bitterness, no anger, no cursing, no, no reason to go to court and Sue each other.
Allah is saying in the Quran, if you live together, live together and if you cannot, then part in
		

			axon and Allah will take care of both of you. This is in the Quran, that Allah will take care of the
both of you. And this is something that we need to also be very clear about.
		

			Some of the greatest Sahaba their marriages ended in divorce.
		

			The stigma that we have given to divorce frankly it is an Islamic It is true that we don't aim for
divorce divorce is like the fire exit you see these exits here. We don't want to use them we never
use them, but do they exist? Yes. So when the need arises, then we know the exit is there. So we
need to stop stigmatizing. If divorces done properly, some of the greatest Sahaba Abdullah zubayr
and a smart sorry Zubaydah and a smart bit abubaker zubayr. One of the 10 promise genda. And a smart
the sister of Arusha, the daughter of Abu Bakar. Is anybody gonna say either of them were bad in
their email? Of course not. You can have the best team on the best taqwa. And the marriage doesn't
		

			work out. I mean, Subhan Allah to Mottaki? Are they always best to friends? to people praying for
budget every day? Are they going to be best friends? friendship. Marriage is something different
than taqwa and a man. You can have him or you can have Taqwa. And sometimes the marriage doesn't
work. So it doesn't mean that if a divorce takes place, that they are evil people with Ebola, they
are not righteous. No, the stigma needs to go as well. The stigma of divorce, especially upon the
lady, this is an Islamic they in in the time of the Sahaba, there was no stigma of a divorce lady.
Most of our mothers were divorces other than Arusha, as we know, all of them were divorces other
		

			than our Asia, if divorce had a stigma, do you think our profit system would marry all of the women
who married were divorced? These are widows, then no, there is no stigma. We are the ones who place
it and we say, Oh, she must have done something not at all. Sometimes it's his fault. Sometimes it's
hurt. And most of the time islamically it should be no one's fault. They just didn't get along, had
done a lot. And they went their separate ways. And that's something we should be publicly state
because divorce has become a taboo topic. And people never not only talk about it, they don't even
know how to do it. And inshallah one day, someday, I will give an entire about divorce, even though
		

			I don't want to. But why? Because just like when you go on the plane, and they give you those
safety, the safety check, right? The safety check, instructions, whatnot, why? I have over a million
and a half miles on planes. I have never once had to use those rules. And I pray that Allah never
asked ever causes me to use them. But should I ever say I don't want to hear those rules when I got
on the plane? No, we need to know what for our safety. When we don't know what law, the law
something happens, what's going to happen? It might be a case of life and death. Same goes for
divorce. People are suffered a lot giant when it comes to divorce. They don't know anything. And
		

			because it's a taboo and nobody says anything, when they need to do it. They do it incorrectly. And
then they go when they come chef, I did this shift I did that. Yeah, he divorce is never done in
haste, never the way you plan for marriage. If you need to divorce, you need to plan 10 times more
for the divorce as much as you plan for the marriage. This is the laws of Islam. Divorce is not
meant to be given in haste. And that is why we will talk about the procedures of divorce inshallah
one day, but if it needs to be done, there is a procedure, there is a methodology there is fixed
that is associated with it. And the person husband and wife should sit down with the shift and go
		

			over the procedure for divorce, and neither party should be made to feel guilty. If everything was
done in accordance with Islam, that exit is there. It is not something that we should aim for when
we enter a marriage. But we should know it is there for a wisdom that Allah has placed as for these
are some generic advice that we have. And again, I reiterate my dear brothers and sisters, husbands
and wives, marriage is all about compromise. Each partner must compromise for the greater good. Each
partner must sometimes lose an argument to win the marriage and that is a far bigger victory than a
minor issue back and forth. Each partner needs to prioritize what is the bigger issue? What are the
		

			things I can get by with and ignore and what are the things I need to discuss with my partner so
that we can live a better marriage insha Allah who to either those that are sincere, those that make
dua to Allah, those that really want Islam, Allah promises I will bring about Islam May Allah bless
me and you and all of us with bless it and good marriages and May Allah subhana wa tada guide us to
the best role model in our prophets Allah Selim and the marriages with our mothers after that 100
out have been either mean was said Amara Kamala como la
		

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