Yasir Qadhi – Navigating Marital Conflicts

			Today is hotter than shallow, be a little bit more. on the lighter side, even though it is still an
important topic. I was reading the other day that the average married couple in this country has
around 19 disputes per month.
		

			19 per month. Now, by disputes, we don't mean major arguments we mean conflict of interest having to
discuss having to negotiate, right. So 19 per month, which means if a day goes by without an
argument, that's your lucky day at Hamdulillah. Right? You have done one every two days and
Hamdulillah. So, today's brief, hotter, actually, some practical advice about how to navigate this
reality of life. In fact, if you think about it, how can you not disagree when you're living with
your life partner day in and day out? Those of you that are single, you have to realize that real
married life is beyond the honeymoon phase, right? Real married life has its back and forth and ups
		

			and downs. And there's so much to benefit about how to minimize conflict resolution. And before I
begin just some brief notes, a lot of people think that we're going to find explicit advice in the
Quran and Sunnah about how to navigate marriage conflicts. And the fact of the matter is that the
Quran and Sunnah comes with generic advice. It doesn't come with specific advice. Allah says in the
Quran, why should only be Maroof treat your spouses with kindness, the way that you should treat
them out of here, the way that society thinks is good to treat them. And the prophecies and I'm
reminded men to be conscious of Allah have Taqwa of Allah and fear Allah with regards to their wives
		

			the process I'm told the wives that whoever whichever lady pleases her Lord by her warship and
pleases her husband by her surficial enter agenda. So this is generic advice. The Quran and Sunnah
does not give specific detailed conflict resolution between husband and wife. Why? Because how
resolving a conflict between a husband wife is something that is very culturally sensitive, it
changes from time to place to era and even to couple what might work in one household will not work
in the next one. Therefore, the Quran doesn't come without which changes from time to place, it
comes with generic advice, be good, treat them with kindness, this is generic. As for specifics, it
		

			should be left to the time and culture which leads me to my second point.
		

			This society in particular, and Western world overall, as we are aware, it has reached so many
pinnacles in knowledge. We know this when it comes to technology, science, engineering, but also
when it comes to human emotions and psychology and marital conflict, and dealing with resolutions
within marriage, there is no doubt that this society has studied the human psyche more than any
other society. And we as Muslims should benefit as long as it was within our paradigm. And I find it
interesting that we have no problems benefiting from this society, in every technological field,
every scientific achievement, every medical achievement, but when it comes to so much of the
		

			humanities, we find as if we don't want to take anything from them. No, we should have the Islamic
filter, no doubt, we have the Islamic filter, we take the good and we discard the the stuff that is
not beneficial. And more than almost 14 years ago, 15 years ago, when I was much younger, there was
no white in my hair back then, I taught a very detailed class online which was very successful at
the time about marital bliss. And it became a best seller back then. So many people 1000s of people
took the class I think it's still being offered somewhere online. So when that class became a
success, I decided I have to do it better and better. I did it actually three times. And in order to
		

			prepare for that class, I read over 35 best selling books about marital bliss. This is back in the
day over 35 The Top New York Times bestsellers I read them and then I Islam besides them
		

			I took the good and I eliminated the bad and the classes online but I want to just summarize for
today's Katerra three specific points of advice about how to resolve marital conflict very pragmatic
insha Allah Allah and very useful point number one, the number one cause of marital conflict. The
number one cause is listen to this expectations that one party assumes the other party does not
meet. This is the number one cause one party the husband or the wife assumes the other party is
going to do something there is an expectation. I expect this whether it is time, whether it is
financial management, whether it is quality, you know
		

			A time being spent with the spouse, whether it's intimacy, whatever it might be, one of the two
partners assumes that the other is going to provide this and the other partner does not provide. So
this is the number one source of tension and conflict. Okay, so then we begin to resolve this
conflict with my first point here. And that is, all too often, the other party is either unaware of
the fact you need something, or is unaware of the severity of how much you need it. In other words,
the problem is one of the two sides assumes the other understands, one of the two sides has not
communicated the expectations or hinted in a way that the other side doesn't understand how much the
		

			expectation is required. Therefore, the frustration comes, quite frankly, number one, cause lack of
understanding, the one party really didn't know that the other one really wanted quality time, or
financial management or being home at this particular you know, time for dinner with the kids or
intimacy live, whatever it might be, that needs to be communicated. So the first mechanism of
conflict resolution is Frank communication of expectations, Frank communication that is there any
way we can do this, whatever it might be, or I would like this to be a part of our regular routine,
I want us to be home and have dinner with the kids, I want the finances every month, whatever it
		

			might be, the other party needs to be told that this is expected of them. And the language has to be
very clear, crystal clear. Again, one of the biggest problems is that we hint and we assume the
other party will understand those of you who are not married, I'll tell you from now, don't assume
if you speak in vague language that even your life partner will actually understand no, it must be
laid down literally with explicit directions. So this is the first point is that the expectations
need to be made clear. And the fact of what is required? Or what is one tip, or what is desired
needs to be put and the level of how much you desire it because again, how much is something
		

			irritating you when you don't get it? Right? How much is something really going to make you
irritated that needs to be expressed and conveyed? This is the first point. The second point? The
second point? Is that how you communicate this need. And the language you use has to be very, very
clear as well. What do I mean by this? When you sit down with your spouse to communicate this, you
have to avoid making your spouse on the defensive immediately. The goal is not to blame. The goal is
not to shame, the goal is not to put your spouse in defense mode, the goal is to win the heart over
so that you get what you want, right. And in order to do that, you need to choose the right time,
		

			the right place the right language, you need to be extra calm, because you have to realize this is
conflict resolution. The minute you bring up something awkward, it is human instinct, the other
person will go into survival mode, defense mode, the other person will immediately become defensive,
you need to be prepared for this and act calm. It's human nature. So when you bring up what is the
what is the issue? This is point number two point number one, you have to bring it up point number
two, the language time and place, don't bring it up when they come home tired and they're not in the
mood for it. Don't bring it up right after you've had another fight? No, the mood has to be right.
		

			The timing has to be right. The language has to be right. And also even how you express one of the
ways that a lot of psychology books mentioned is that try phrasing everything in the personal rather
than the second person. Don't say you rather begin with I try to think how you're going to phrase
it. You come home late all the time. You don't do the chores, you if you do like this automatically.
You're becoming the other person will become defensive. Flip it around. Okay. I feel neglected when
you don't do the chores. Flip it around, okay, I feel hurt. When something happens. When you do
that, then automatically you've lessened the poking. You don't Facebook Poke, we don't want to poke.
		

			We don't want to do that you need to win the heart over. So point number two language and even
adjectives try to soften the adjectives so that you're not making your your partner your spouse
become irritated or agitated. This is a very key point to win the heart over and make sure when you
bring up the topic, you are the one that's going to be more patient because it's human nature for
the person to react a little bit emotionally and you want as we said to win the heart and not to win
that particular battle. And the third and final point
		

			Three simple points. The third and final point
		

			be prepared to compromise. Everybody knows marriage is compromise marriages compromise your your two
people living together for many years, many decades, each party has to compromise for the other. So,
when you come to the table of negotiation, when you come to the table of conflict resolution, you
demand I want this you will say it politely you say I need this, I cannot have you ignore all of
your chores, I cannot have you come home late every single day, whatever it might be, right, the
other party now has to be willing to negotiate and you have to be willing to negotiate as well.
Simple example, suppose, you know, a wife is frustrated that her husband comes home late every
		

			single weekday, you know, you never have food with us, we make food for you. The kids are here. And
you always say, oh, there's a business meeting whatnot, and you come home late, perhaps the husband
says, oh, but right now my company's in a serious situation. I really need to do this. I cannot
afford to come home. He's gonna have to compromise and say, You know what, I can't come home on the
weekdays. But I'll make it up to you on the weekend. Let's do something, what not? The point is
whatever the Ask might be, if you don't get it for a legitimate reason, be prepared to negotiate
both sides. It has to be the case. And of course, this is quite explicit from the Quran. In URI that
		

			is law one if they both are willing to compromise if they want an Islam, What is Islam? Islam means
you negotiate a peace treaty in unity, that is law one, if the both husband and wife want to come
together and negotiate whatever their terms might be, Allah will bring about Tofik between them. You
are filthy Allahu Bina, Houma. This is a promise from Allah, I say this every time I give hotbar
talk about marriage, that we Muslims, we should thank Allah that He's given us the secret weapon.
What is the secret weapon, it is in the Quran. The secret weapon is if both husband and wife come to
the negotiating table with sincerity, Allah has promised they're going to have the negotiation and
		

			succeed. This is the Promise of Allah in UD, that is law. And that is the key if the both of them
want Islam. This is a promise in the Quran. If the both of them want Islam, Islam means bring, patch
things up, bring the compromise have the peace treaty, if the both of them want the surah Allah will
bring about the Sona between them. And this is quite explicit, therefore. And it is in the context
of negotiation, the context of the husband saying something the wife saying something. And as we
said, both parties need to understand perhaps what you want, you will not get but that your spouse
will offer you something else, and there must be an offering of something else, or else the marriage
		

			is not going to succeed. And I want to conclude with mentioning three books that I strongly
recommend. These are the most popular bestsellers, New York Times for the last 1015 years. They're
all written by, you know people that are not religious, or at least the books are not religious. So
understand there might be some things we don't fully agree with. But by and large 99% of these
books, they're very generic, very good, very useful, and number one cliched, but if you haven't read
it, you must read it and especially people in this audience who are you know, haven't really done
any type of psychology this book is extremely beneficial. And that is men are from Mars, Women are
		

			from Venus, right? Believe me, I know everybody makes fun of it is jokes cliched. But if you haven't
read this book, then you really do need to read it. It's an eye opener really helps you understand
the psychology of men and women and the men is not the man is not like the woman. Book number two,
again, very popular. It's been on the New York Times bestseller for Allah knows how many years the
five languages of love by Gary Chapman, I strongly encourage you to read this book. And I have given
a lecture the five languages of love from the Islamic perspective. I took Gary Chapman's book, and I
added basically Quran and Hadith for every example because I found them these five languages that he
		

			mentioned, you find them in the Syrah, you find them in the Quran, they're very Islamic. So I gave I
gave a lectures online but read the book, the original book is obviously much more detailed my
lectures 35 minutes. So that's not the full, you know, details. And then the final book I recommend,
is also one of the most highest recommended books by Dr. Emerson called Love and respect, love and
respect by Dr. Emerson, love and respect. The thesis of the book is very simple, that if a man shows
love to his wife, then the wife will automatically respect her husband. And if the wife respects her
husband, then the man will automatically love her. It's a cycle. So if the woman understands what
		

			the man needs most to be validated is respect. By respect. We don't mean blind authority read the
book, it explains what does respect mean? There has to be a trust there has to be a confidence the
wife gives the man that I trust you're going to make the best decision I know you have our best
interests at heart. There cannot be disparaging belittling, putting down or else the husband will
not give the love back when
		

			A man is respected, he gives the wife love when the wife is loved, she gives the husband respect. So
he got he has written and he is a marriage counselor for 35 years, he has done 10s of 1000s of
therapies. And so he has summarized what his findings are very, very good book. Now, all of this was
a brief summary. And of course, one of the reasons I'm talking about this right now is because we
are having an entire day conference, which we're very excited about, As you're all aware of on the
first of October. This conference, as you're aware has multiple trucks for all of you. Those of you
that are still single, you have the entire day for you guys. Michelle, that's about a cola all of
		

			you guys yes, you can stop turning red and blue and childless friend for you Inshallah, to Allah so
okay, you can blush hear from her all the way till and Aisha will be for the brothers gonna be here
the sisters are going to be over there. We're inviting speakers in and these are therapists,
marriage counselors, advice before you get married, then we have at the same time for the married
couples, how to better your marriage and one of them is going to be how to navigate marital
conflicts. That is a registered course Alhamdulillah we're almost sold out there's only space for 10
more people so it's already sold out. If you are interested, then please talk to one of our
		

			volunteers for married couples, both husband wife have to come and that's going to take place
upstairs and then after salata Alicia for the singles who are interested to mingle in a halal
manner, then they can register for the matrimonial inshallah Tada and and Hamdulillah we have, I
believe more than 50 already registered but inshallah we want to cap it out at 100. So we still have
you know, good number of spots left so any single brothers single sister who's or if you have a
cousin you have somebody who's looking to get married, tell them about the conference and again, the
email is going to be sent out that is a special registration and we require every person to bring
		

			one of their guardians one of the parents or an older brother somebody unless there is a legitimate
reason you email why Otherwise everybody who comes has to bring one at least one Guardian even the
brothers we want them to bring at least somebody because we want to make sure you are serious and
this is a professional thing that is going to take place after South Asia both of those are
registered the marriage Council and the after Isha will be registered the daytime is all free and
shall the first of October is going to be all of Saturday to Xochimilco to Santa Monica. Allahu
Baraka in
		

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