Yasir Qadhi – Gender Wars The Truth
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AI: Transcript ©
Alhamdulillah,
All praise is due to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
We praise Him, and we seek His help.
And we seek refuge in Allah from the
evil of our souls and the consequences of
our actions.
Whomever Allah guides, none can misguide.
And whoever is misguided cannot be guided except
with Him.
I bear witness and I testify that there
is no God other than Allah, jala jalalahu.
And I bear witness and I testify
that the Prophet Muhammad salallahu alayhi wasalam
is the final Prophet and the most perfect
worshipper of Allah.
As to what follows,
know all Muslims that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
has commanded us to be conscious of him
in the Quran
when he says,
Dear Muslims,
one of the most
sensitive
and difficult topics of our generation,
and a topic that our whole society,
and the current world, and even our particular
demographics of the Muslim Ummah
is constantly struggling with
is the reality
of the tensions
between our men and our women, our brothers
and our sisters,
the reality of the so called gender wars
going on.
And these wars reflect
the cultural changes
or shifts that have taken place over the
last century,
which has completely
changed the role of men and women in
public society, and the role of husbands and
wives, and fathers and mothers in private society.
All of these changes
have reflected
on what exactly does it mean to be
an ideal father, ideal mother, ideal husband, ideal
wife. What exactly is the role of a
man and a woman in public and private
society?
And we see now,
especially in the last few years,
the rise of so many different trends and
movements
at odds with one another. We have men's
rights activism.
We have the red pill movement.
We have, of course, feminism.
We have anti feminism.
And this increased polarization
between the two genders
also reflects a generational divide.
Generally speaking,
our youngsters, college level and that age, have
very different views than our elders, and so
parents are discussing with their own children. Maybe
even in the same household,
the parents are trying to explain to their
own youngsters the reality, and they find a
generational divide, and they also find a gender
divide. Perhaps even in the same family, your
sons are talking one way, and your own
daughters are speaking in a completely different way.
And this all demonstrates,
this divide
is something that we need to talk about
in a mature manner. Tensions are extremely high,
and unfortunately
levels of emotionalism
compounded with this reality of cancel culture. If
anybody says one thing I disagree with, he
needs to be lambasted and canceled. Unfortunately,
it has run completely berserk. But I remind
myself and you that problems cannot be solved
with emotions,
and problems cannot be solved with slogans.
We are dealing with a very complex issue,
and even 1 khutba can only begin discussion.
How much can I say in 20 or
30 minutes when in reality this requires many,
many hours of discussion?
But still I say,
at least the conversation needs to begin.
And the premise that I appeal to both
genders
is
stop reading in and expecting your paradigm to
be validated.
We have a massive problem
when we can't even have a civil discussion.
Men are tense and women are tense. Each
one wants to hear which side will the
speaker take. If the speaker says something that
seems to validate the men's paradigm, they say,
yes. Look. This is what I've been saying.
And the women label the speaker, oh, he's
a misogynist,
he's an anti feminist, he doesn't care about
women. And if the man speaker, in this
case the male speaker, says something about women's
rights, immediately men label this person, oh, he's
a sellout. Oh, he's appeasing the women. Oh,
he's a soft feminist.
Brothers and sisters,
enough with the labels.
Enough with simplistic
emotionalism.
We are dealing with very complex issues,
issues that are dividing the ummah. Are we
blind to the reality taking place? Ask any
person who is involved in the community, the
number of marriages breaking, the number of divorces
happening,
ask anybody of the problems within our own
community that we wanna put under the rug
and not talk about. Every single leader across
this country
is painfully aware
that our communities
are suffering
because men and women cannot communicate with one
another, because they're not on the same wavelength
when it comes to marriages.
Families are being broken,
and children are being deprived of 2 parents.
There's so many issues taking place in the
courts, between the husband and wife, between child
custody,
and even worse than this,
our youngsters, the next generation,
is genuinely
scared to get married. They're traumatized because they
see what is happening in the generation above
them. We have now a new generation of
20 year olds. They don't want to get
married for a period of time. Why? Because
they have seen what has happened in the
generation before them. O Muslims,
enough with emotionalism.
Stop worrying about who's right and wrong, and
I will tell you bluntly,
both genders are at fault here.
Both genders have contributed to the problem here.
When both genders don't understand, they are a
part of the solution. When both genders wanna
get a scot free pass, oh, the problems
are only coming from the other side. No.
I'm sorry. That's not the way it works
here. Each one of the genders has fed
in to the stereotypes of the other. And
had it not been for this reality,
this vicious loop, this reality that sometimes
some men are acting in ways that are
not appropriate,
some men are acting in matters of dhul,
injustice towards women, and this provokes those women
to embrace aspects that are against our religion,
aspects of feminism, going to court when they
don't need to go to court, because they
say you aren't solving the problem, so we
have to go here. So they go to
that extreme. When they go to that extreme,
other men see that extreme, and they become
even more alpha male. They become even more
embracing of a harsh version of masculinity.
I say bluntly,
each of the 2 genders is feeding into
the other. Neither one is totally innocent. And
unless and until we understand this reality,
and before we begin to point fingers, let's
look in the mirror. Before we begin to
worry about the other side, ask ourselves, what
have I done to contribute to the problem,
and what can I do to contribute to
the solution? So today, insha'Allah,
is the beginning of a number of khutbas.
This isn't the only khutba gonna be given
on this topic. Today I want to begin
by raising 3 simple facts, raising the course
of the dialogue.
And I state that my goal here is
not to appease any one of the 2
genders. Wallahi, this is a topic. No matter
who says what, they will get canceled.
No matter what I say, one group will
cancel me for something, the other group will
cancel me for another. So I say, I
do not care about the criticism of the
critic. I only fear the criticism of the
Lord, Insha'Allah hu ta'ala. What I speak today
will be from the heart. It doesn't concern
me what other groups are gonna say, Even
though I'm fully aware the reality of the
world we live in, this khutba will be
dissected.
Every 5 seconds will be put on other
websites and other broadcast, and I will be
canceled by both sides, and all sides, and
neither sides. So be it. We have to
speak the truth, regardless of the criticism of
the critic. The first point I want to
mention, all Muslims,
we take our morality,
our ethics, our laws from
Allah
and not from the culture around us.
We take our ethics, our values, our laws
from the Quran, from the sunnah. Allah revealed
to us a book, and Allah sent us
a Prophet in order to guide us. And
so culture comes secondary, tertiary.
Culture is not the primary source of law
and understanding.
Culture is a secondary source. Yes. We know
this.
Culture comes in where the Sharia is silent.
But the Sharia, the Quran, the Sunnah, this
is our primary lens. Everything else is secondary.
And therefore,
before
anybody begins to speak about this subject, O
Muslim, if you believe in Allah, do not
begin to speak about this subject based upon
the common culture.
First thing, go back to the Quran, go
back to the sunnah, go back to our
shari'ah, and then understand
what is our religion stance on these issues
before you jump into the modern culture wars
that are taking place. And from our religion,
much can be said here. The most obvious
is that Allah has
categorically
divided mankind into the 2 genders of male
and female. Allah
mentions in the Quran,
Allah created the male and the female. Allah
says,
From man
The male is not like the female. This
is a verse in the Quran, the male
is not like the female. We don't need
the Quran actually for this regard. Biology teaches
us this, but unfortunately,
biology is being questioned, and we're being told
male and female are the same, and male
and female is an identity,
it doesn't matter what they say. So we
will bring in the Quran, and we will
bring in biology, and we'll bring in every
single facet of life to say to us
that, yes, there are fundamental
differences between men and women. Biological differences,
physiological
differences,
hormonal differences, intellectual differences,
differences,
emotional differences.
At every single level of existence,
the man and the woman are different, and
every single study, and every single survey shows
this, and there's nothing wrong with this. Allah
created the 2 genders differently.
And because he created the 2 genders differently,
it is not surprising
that Allah
gave the 2 of them different responsibilities.
Obviously,
when they are different at every level, down
to the DNA, you can take a blood
sample and you can see whether it is
male or female. You can extract from the
dead bones of a body buried, and you
can tell whether this is male or female.
Down to the bone, down to the DNA,
there are differences. When there are differences at
that level, you don't think they're gonna be
manifested in the real level? They're not gonna
be manifested in society, in culture, in family?
Of course it will be. So when men
and women are created differently,
understandably,
their roles,
their functions, their rights, their responsibilities
are also different. But the Quran and sunnah
has never ever claimed that one is better
than the other. No. They're different, and differences
should be respected and
embraced. There is no competition. The both of
them are equally noble. The both of them
are equally human. The both of them have
equally been created to worship Allah and to
enter Jannah. Neither of the 2 is more
noble than the other. And this is the
explicit testimony of the Quran and the sunnah.
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions,
when our mothers came to the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam saying, You Rasulullah,
why doesn't Allah mention women more in the
Quran? Haven't we also migrated? Haven't we also
sacrificed? Haven't we also lost loved ones? And
so Allah revealed in the Quran,
Allah says, I have responded to this, and
I will say,
Allah will not cause the good deeds of
any of you to go to waste, male
or female.
The 2 of you are from each other.
The 2 of you are from each other,
meaning every male comes from a male and
female, and every female comes from a male
and female.
So any good deed a man does, and
any good deed a woman does, they shall
get the equal rewards if all other factors
are the same.
Gender does not privilege in the eyes of
Allah.
That is the ultimate equality. So this is
the first point that we learn from the
Sharia. Not surprisingly, therefore, men and women do
have general different roles. There's no surprise here,
when Allah created them biologically different, emotionally different,
hormonally different, physiologically
different, then don't be surprised when there are
default roles.
And these default roles, without a doubt, are
better suited to how Allah created us. So
the male, generally speaking, has the role of
protection,
of maintenance.
The male has, generally speaking, the the duty
of maintaining,
the Arabic word is qiwaama, of being responsible.
And the woman, the general default role is
to be nurturing,
is to be loving, is to be a
homemaker.
This is the reality
of the Quran, and the sunnah, and of
lived human history.
Anybody can be an engineer or doctor, male
or female. Anybody can be a CEO, male
or female.
But only a woman can bring life into
this world, and nurture and love that life
with a love that only the mother has.
There is no competition.
Women have been created to be nurturing. Women
have been created that Allah has allowed them
to bring life into this world. What more
nobility can you want than this? And I
say that one of the biggest criticisms I
have of feminism, and of 3rd and 4th
wave feminism, one of the biggest criticism I
I have is that they have made the
notion of a homemaker
and a housewife to be something demeaning, to
be something looked down upon. There is nothing
more noble than giving birth and taking care
of that child. What can possibly be more
noble than bringing another life into this world
by Allah's permission? We men have no competition
in that regard, but unfortunately,
what feminism has done is the very notion
of a woman being a homemaker, of woman
being feminine, it is looked down upon as
if she's not reached her full potential.
What greater potential is there than to give
birth and to nurture this child that you
have given birth to? And so, without a
doubt, the sharia has come with ideals, and
these are the ideals.
However, move on to the next point here,
and this is where it gets a little
bit confusing.
While there are ideal roles, that, yes, the
man generally is the provider, is the maintainer,
is the protector, and the woman generally is
the nurturer, these are general roles, but here
is where it gets awkward.
1st and foremost,
the Sharia,
because it means to be applied across the
world, for all times and places,
did not bring a long list of chores,
of specifics.
The sharia did not come with very minute
details about what does it mean that man
is quiwama? What does it mean that man
is responsible
for the maintenance and woman is responsible for
the nurturing?
Allah didn't reveal the details. Why?
Because these details will change from time to
culture, to place, to society.
Therefore, there is an element of openness in
this regard that we can change and adapt
to, And this is where in this ambiguity,
a lot of confusion arises. If you look
online, one of the biggest debates that modern
couples have, who's gonna cook the meals? Who's
gonna do the chores? Who's gonna take the
trash out? I have to tell you, Allah
didn't reveal Quranic verses about this. And the
sharia has come open ended. You will find
scholars in some generations, in some societies saying,
the average class, middle class family, the husband
has to bring a servant for the wife.
But you know, in America, we cannot afford
servants, that's not the reality. Whereas in other
societies, middle class can't afford servants. And so
in that society, you have a famous scholar
in 7th century, you know, Damascus, he has
a famous fatwa, you find it online, that
the average household, the woman is not obligated
to cook, and the husband has to provide
a a a a help to come and
cook. That's fine for that society. But in
the lands we live in, we cannot afford
for the average person. So then who will
do the cooking? Who will do the maintenance
of the household? The sharia has left it
for the couples to decide. You cannot quote
one fatwa from a 7th century scholar. Another
scholar said, it is not allowed for the
husband to demand cooking from his wife. You
will find diversity here. Right? No one fatwa
from a scholar of the past will be
applicable to modern America, requires a different understanding
of the times of the places, and the
Sharia did not come with specifics.
Let every couple decide. Let every couple come
together and say, it's it's a varied reality.
Sometimes the woman cannot because she's working, because
whatever. In this case, it's the situation might
change. Another reality
is that
not only does the Sharia allow for this,
but in fact, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and
the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam has explicitly
endorsed
cultural
relativity.
And this is demonstrated in many instances, even
in the seerah. One of the most interesting,
and it raises, you know, some humor as
well when we mention the story, but apart
from the humor, one needs to be serious
in this regard, that Umar ibn Khattab radhiallahu
an, he was accustomed to a certain type
of interaction with the women of Makkah, that
the women were more docile, the women were
more quiet. And when they migrated to Madinah,
then his wife became more
responding, more rebuking, more standing up, and responding
back to Abu al Khattar radiAllahu An. And
so he complained to the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi
Wasallam, You Rasulullah,
don't you miss the days in Makkah when
our women were quiet, and they didn't respond
back to us? Now we've come to Madinah,
these Ansari ladies have corrupted, he said, they've
corrupted our women. Right? Now, yes, we find
the brothers find this a bit humorous. I
get this point here. But here's the more
serious point, the more serious point. Who's right,
Mecca or Madinah?
The Prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam did not
take sides here.
This requires a bit of maturity,
anthropology,
sociology,
cultural differences.
Makkah was more, if you like, rough. Madinah
was more urban and cultivated.
And the general rule, listen to me carefully,
when societies are more cultivated,
when there's more civic, you know, safety, when
there's more amenities,
gender roles will change. Gender roles will change.
And when society is more rough, when you
have to protect, when there's war going on,
all feminism will be forgotten when wars come
back here, because men will have to protect
women. But there's nothing wrong with this.
Societies change.
And in the current society we live in,
with technology,
with the advancement of all of the amenities
that we have, with the safety and whatnot,
don't be surprised
men and women's roles change. And it's not
even if Makkah and Madinah had different understandings
of how a wife should treat her husband,
And this is in the same time, in
the same land. What do you think about
America in 2024?
So brothers in particular,
be broad minded and understand that sharia
allows for a fine tuning. And I speak
bluntly to the young brothers here. Don't imagine
that your understanding of how to treat a
woman, which is based upon some abstract theory,
is going to be the real understanding.
We find this rise of this this harsh,
machoistic
culture. I find it terrifying,
the appeal of certain Internet personalities,
the appeal of this version of harsh masculinity.
Oh brothers, allow me to be blunt, you
can't even enforce this version in your own
mother and sister, and they're related to you.
Do you think you will enforce it on
your future wife? Wallahi, it's not gonna happen.
And wait till you have daughters. Just wait
till you have a 19 year old daughter
wanting to argue with you over your understanding
of how men and women should live. Wallahi,
o brothers, if you maintain
this narrow minded understanding
of the way to be a true man
is just to be harsh, to not understand
prophetic mercy, to not understand women are equal
creatures, equal human beings, equal nobility.
If you think Islam teaches you just to
be machoistic,
then I'm sorry, you haven't understood Islam, and
you haven't understood biology. This is not how
the world works here. But the same can
be said of our sisters as well. Oh
sisters, understand
that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala blessed you with
privileges He didn't give our brothers. And of
those privileges
is your femininity and your compassion. Of the
blessings Allah has given you, He's made you
a woman, and what a woman brings to
the table in marriage is not what a
man brings. Again, allow me to be blunt
here as somebody who has to deal with
divorces every single day or second day in
our community. Even yesterday, a major issue happened,
and I had to deal with a family
involved. Somebody that has to deal with the
level of
unmarried sisters. We have a crisis.
How many women are not married? How many
of our qualified women, they're in their thirties,
forties, and they've never got married, and they're
saying, where are all the men here? Sisters,
allow me to be blunt, and I know
this is so politically incorrect. I'm gonna get
canceled a 100 times over. May Allah protect
me.
Allah created
you as a woman. And what a man
wants as a woman is not her degrees
or her education. I'm not saying not to
get educated, don't misunderstand me. But when a
man wants to get married,
he's not looking for a partner in his
company.
He's not looking for a partner in the
business.
He wants a woman,
and a woman, a mother to his children.
He wants somebody that's a life partner. That's
what he's looking for. Please don't misunderstand me.
I'm not saying, of course, you should be
educated. No problem. You should have a degree.
Yes, indeed. Allah blessed me with sons and
daughters. All of them are getting top notch
degrees right now. All of them are getting
educated. But I'm saying, you have to understand,
dear sisters, that your value in the eyes
of Allah is not related to your degree.
It's not related to what you bring to
the table. It is related to your piety,
and then your akhlaq.
Your akhlaq is what a brother will be
interested in. Your akhlaq, your femininity,
your your inner beauty, this is what a
brother wants to see. And my humble advice
to you oh sisters, when you come of
marriageable age, do not delay your marriage for
the sake of the dunya. Do not delay
your marriage for the sake of this dunya.
When you get of marriageable age, then a
good brother
proposes, accept that. And this is a message
to the parents as well. Talk to any
of us seniors in the community.
How many mothers and fathers come to us
begging to find sutures for their daughters, and
their daughters are super qualified. Their daughters have
MDs and PhDs. Their daughters are great. But
as we all know, and I'm not I'm
sorry, but this is the blunt reality. There
is a time opportunity
in which women have the highest value, and
if they let that time go by, I'm
sorry to be blunt. Cancel me if you
will. Your cancellation doesn't change biology, and it
doesn't change the facts, and the facts are
women of a certain age have the highest
value when it comes to marriage and potentiality.
And if you allow that age to go,
well, we face a spinsterhood problem. We face
this reality.
Parents, listen to me carefully.
Yes, educate your daughters, but make sure they
have good husbands as well, and do not
prioritize
anything over a loving husband.
The sisters of our times, wallahi, they want
a loving family more than they want advanced
degrees and education. And if you can do
both, good for you, no problem. But without
a doubt, priority is marriage, priority is children.
For a woman to have a loving husband,
for a woman to have a loving family
and children, wallahi, this is the best blessing
she can have after Islam. So do not
delay marriage on either side. Oh Muslims, I
conclude the first khutba by reminding all of
us, and especially
our youth, that do not think of this
complex topic in simplistic terms. This is a
very deep and profound topic. Do not think
one slogan can solve all the problems.
Remove these labels. Remove the cancel culture. Remove
the emotionalism,
and then speak to your elders.
Young men, speak to your mothers and aunts
and older cousins. Get the woman's perspective. Young
women, speak to the elders in your community
as well. Life teaches you what books will
not teach you, and your grandmother
has more wisdom than all of the internet
celebrities combined, because your grandmother has lived life,
and she has experience of real life, unlike
all of the internet people who are giving
you ideas that are absolutely incorrect. Listen to
your elders, dialogue with those that have more
knowledge than you, and understand the world is
a very complex place. You're not gonna find
simplistic answers to these complex problems. And most
importantly,
throughout all of this, raise your hands to
Allah and ask Allah to guide you in
this complex and difficult topic. Ask Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala to bless you with wisdom and
understanding. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala bless each
and every one of us within through the
Quran, and may he make us of those
who is verses they understand
and applies halal and haram throughout our lifespan.
Ask Allah's forgiveness. You as well ask him
for his zaghafoor and the rahman.
Alhamdulillah.
All praise is due to Allah, the 1
and the unique. He it is whom we
worship, and it is His blessings that we
seek. He is the Lord of the oppressed,
and He hears the prayer of the weak.
As to what follows,
all Muslims, I go back to my first
point here.
Without a doubt, each of the genders has
a long list of things that irritates them
about the opposite gender, understandably.
But the actual solution to the problem
must begin with the acknowledgement
that both of us are feeding into that
negativity.
Both genders, wallahi, o brothers, if every one
of you acted in the prophetic manner, if
every one of you acted like a true
gentleman,
if you truly embrace Islamic masculinity,
the bulk of our sisters would not have
to resort to their understandings of feminism. But
because we have failed, and because divorce is
rampant, and because abuse is rampant, and because
zulum is rampant, and because there's so much
harm,
understandably,
some of our sisters, many of our sisters
have misunderstood their religion, and said and done
things they should not do. When they do
this, a new batch of youngsters sees that,
and in order to respond to those sisters,
they embrace a version of masculinity,
the alpha male masculinity, the red pill masculinity,
that they think will solve the problems.
But both of these are feeding into each
other, and neither will solve problems.
O Muslims, O brothers, O sisters, O men
and women, we are not enemies of each
other. Half the world is the opposite gender.
We need each other, we are together.
Believing men, believing women, the 2 of them
are supporters of each other. We are supporters,
we are not enemies of one another. We're
on the same team, and that is the
team of marriage and the team of family.
Understand this point. If you're going to dehumanize
the other gender, if you're gonna constantly belittle,
if you're gonna constantly, you know, try to
make fun of them, what do you think
is gonna happen? It doesn't work that way.
Brothers and sisters, men and women, we are
not competing against each other. We are, in
fact, competing against ourselves.
Each one of us, we are competing against
ourselves to see who is best in the
eyes of Allah. Oh Muslims, we need to
turn to Allah for help, not turn against
each other. And I say to women and
to men, our ultimate value, our ultimate worth
is not decided by our backgrounds,
by our ethnicities,
even by our gender that Allah has chosen
for us. Our ultimate nobility
is decided by our piety, and piety, oh
Muslims, has no gender. Men and women can
both be pious, and ultimate nobility comes through
piety and only piety.
O Muslims,
turn to Allah, be pious, understand the Islamic
understanding of gender, understand Islam has priority over
culture, understand culture has a role to play,
but only after Islam, and then most importantly,
be open to learn, be open to dialogue,
be open to communication,
humble yourselves. You're only 19, 20, you don't
know everything about this world, humble yourselves. You're
not married yet, you don't understand marriage, so
learn from those older than you. Speak to
those that have traversed this path, and understand
that your ultimate wisdom will come from Allah,
and then from the elders of the community,
and not from Internet personalities that might appear
to give you some nuggets of wisdom, but
that is couched in much evil. That's not
where you learn from. Learn from the Quran,
and learn from your elders in your community.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide us all
to that which he loves.
Assalamu alaykum. There will be a janazah after
the salah, so please remain, for that janazah,
brother Nasir Ali, inshaAllah. So please remain for
that.
If the brothers can make way inshallah for
the janaza to come in.
And the family members can also come to
the front inshallah.
The burial will be at Farmersville,
and we were just notified that, route from
78
is closed. So you have to go from
the other route. So when you go on
the GPS, it gives you 2 route, pick
up the 33 something. 75. Where the 3
Yeah.
75, then 380. 75, then 380. 308. 308.
308. Because there's a construction, it will be
closed till October.