Yasir Qadhi – The Truth About Gender Wars in Islam
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AI: Transcript ©
Without a doubt, each of the genders has
a long list of things that irritates them
about the opposite gender, understandably.
But the actual solution to the problem must
begin with the acknowledgement that both of us
are feeding into that negativity.
Alhamdulillah,
all praise is due to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala.
We praise him and we seek his help.
And we seek refuge in Allah from the
evil of our souls and the consequences of
our actions.
Whomever Allah guides, none can misguide.
And whoever is misguided cannot be guided except
with him.
I bear witness and I testify that there
is no God other than Allah
And I bear witness and I testify that
the prophet Muhammad salallahu alayhi wasalam
is the final prophet and the most perfect
worshiper of Allah.
As to what follows,
know all Muslims that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
has commanded us to be conscious of him
in the Quran
when he says,
Dear Muslims,
one of the most
sensitive
and difficult topics of our generation
and a topic that our whole society
and the current world and even our particular
demographics of the Muslim ummah
is constantly
struggling with
is the reality
of the tensions
between our men and our women, our brothers
and our sisters,
the reality of the so called gender wars
going on.
And these wars
reflect
the cultural changes
or shifts that have taken place over the
last century,
which has completely
changed
the role of men and women in public
society, and the role of husbands
and wives and fathers and mothers in private
society.
All of these changes
have reflected
on what exactly
does it mean to be an ideal father,
ideal mother, ideal husband, ideal wife. What exactly
is the role of a man and a
woman in public and private society?
And we see now,
especially in the last few years,
the rise of so many different trends and
movements
at odds with one another.
We have men's rights activism,
we have the red pill movement,
we have of course feminism,
we have anti feminism.
And this increased polarization
between the two genders
also reflects a generational divide.
Generally speaking,
our youngsters college level and that age have
very different views than our elders. And so
parents are discussing with their own children.
Maybe even in the same household,
the parents are trying to explain to their
own youngsters the reality and they find the
generational divide and they also find a gender
divide. Perhaps even in the same family, your
sons are talking one way and your own
daughters are speaking in a completely different way.
And this all demonstrates,
this divide
is something that we need to talk about
in a mature manner. Tensions are extremely
high and unfortunately
levels of emotionalism
compounded with this reality of cancel culture. If
anybody says one thing I disagree with, he
needs to be lambasted and canceled. Unfortunately
it has run completely berserk But I remind
myself and you that problems cannot be solved
with emotions
and problems cannot be solved with slogans.
We are dealing with a very complex issue
and even 1 khutba can only begin discussion.
How much can I say in 20 or
30 minutes when in reality
this requires many, many hours of discussion?
But still I say,
at least the conversation needs to begin.
And the premise that I appeal to both
genders
is
stop reading in and expecting your paradigm to
be validated.
We have a massive problem
when we can't even have a civil discussion.
Men are tense and women are tense. Each
one wants to hear which side will the
speaker take. If the speaker says something that
seems to validate the men's paradigm, they say,
yes, look this what I've been saying. And
the women label the speaker, oh he's a
misogynist, he's an anti feminist, he doesn't care
about women. And if the man speaker, in
this case the male speaker says something about
women's rights, immediately
men label this person, oh he's a sellout,
oh he's appeasing the women, oh he's a
soft feminist.
Brothers and sisters,
enough with the labels,
enough with simplistic
emotionalism,
we are dealing with very complex issues,
issues that are dividing the ummah.
Are we blind to the reality taking place?
Ask any person who is involved in the
community, the number of marriages breaking, the number
of divorces happening happening. Ask anybody of the
problems within our own community that we wanna
put under the rug and not talk about.
Every single leader across this country
is painfully aware that our communities
are suffering
because men and women cannot communicate with one
another, because they're not on the same wavelength
when it comes to marriages.
Families are being broken,
children are being deprived of 2 parents. There's
so many issues taking place in the courts
between the husband and wife, between child custody.
And even worse than this,
our youngsters, the next generation,
is genuinely
scared to get married.
They're traumatized because they see what is happening
in the generation above them. We have now
a new generation of 20 year olds. They
don't want to get married for a period
of time. Why? Because they have seen what
has happened in the generation before them. Oh
Muslims,
enough with emotionalism.
Stop worrying about who's right and wrong. And
I will tell you bluntly
both genders are at fault here.
Both genders have contributed to the problem here.
When both genders don't understand, they are a
part of the solution.
When both genders wanna get a scot free
pass, oh the problems are only coming from
the other side. No, I'm sorry. That's not
the way it works here. Each one of
the genders has fed in to the stereotypes
of the other and had it not been
for this reality,
this vicious loop,
this reality that sometimes
some men are acting in ways that are
not appropriate,
some men are acting in matters of injustice
towards women. And this provokes those women to
embrace aspects that are against our religion, aspects
of feminism, going to court when they don't
need to go to court because they say
you aren't solving the problem, so we have
to go here. So they go to that
extreme, when they go to that extreme other
men see that extreme and they become even
more alpha male, they become even more embracing
of a harsh version of masculinity.
I say bluntly
each of the 2 genders is feeding into
the other, neither one is totally innocent and
unless and until we understand this reality
and before we begin to point fingers,
let's look in the mirror. Before we begin
to worry about the other side, ask ourselves
what have I done to contribute to the
problem and what can I do to contribute
to the solution? So today insha Allahu Ta'ala
is the beginning of a number of khutba.
This isn't the only khutba gonna be given
on this topic. Today I want to begin
by raising 3 simple facts, raising the course
of the dialogue.
And I state that my goal here is
not to appease any one of the 2
genders. Wallahi, this is a topic no matter
who says what, they will get cancelled. No
matter what I say, one group will cancel
me for something, the other group will cancel
me for another. So I say I do
not care about the criticism of the critic,
I only fear the criticism of the Lord
Insha'Allah.
What I speak today will be from the
heart. It doesn't concern me what other groups
are gonna say. Even though I'm fully aware
the reality of the world we live in.
This Khutba will be dissected.
Every 5 seconds will be put on other
websites and other broadcast, and I will be
canceled by both sides and all sides and
neither sides. So be it. We have to
speak the truth regardless of the criticism of
the critic. The first point I want to
mention, all Muslims,
we take our morality,
our ethics, our laws from Allah
and not from the culture around us. We
take our ethics, our values, our laws from
the Quran, from the sunnah. Allah revealed to
us a book and Allah sent us a
prophet in order to guide us. And so
culture comes secondary, tertiary. Culture is not the
primary
source of law and understanding.
Culture is a secondary source. Yes. We know
this.
Culture comes in where the Sharia is silent.
But the Sharia,
the Quran, the Sunnah, this is our primary
lens,
everything else is secondary. And therefore before anybody
begins to speak about this subject, oh Muslim,
if you believe in Allah, do not begin
to speak about this subject based upon the
common culture.
First thing, go back to the Quran, go
back to the sunnah, go back to our
Sharia, and then understand
what is our religion stance on these issues
before you jump into the modern culture wars
that are taking place. And from our religion
much can be said here. The most obvious
is that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala has categorically
divided mankind into the 2 genders of male
and female. Allah Azzawajal mentions in the Quran,
Allah created the male and the female. Allah
says,
From mankind I divided male and female. Allah
says,
the male is not like the female. This
is a verse in the Quran, the male
is not like the female. We don't need
the Quran actually for this regard. Biology teaches
us this but
female is an identity. It doesn't matter what
they say. So we will bring in the
Quran, and we will bring in biology, and
we'll bring in every single
facet of life to say to us that,
yes, there are fundamental
differences
between men and women, biological differences,
physiological
differences, hormonal differences,
intellectual
differences,
emotional
differences.
At every single level of existence,
the man and the woman are different, and
every single study and every single survey shows
this, and there's nothing wrong with this. Allah
created the 2 genders differently.
And because he created the 2 genders differently,
it is not surprising that Allah Subhanahu Wa
Ta'ala gave the 2 of them different responsibilities.
Obviously,
when they are different at every level down
to the DNA, you can take a blood
sample and you can see whether it is
male or female. You can extract from the
dead bones of a body buried, and you
can tell whether this is male or female.
Down to the bone, down to the DNA,
there are differences. When there are differences at
that level, you don't think they're gonna be
manifested in the real level? They're not gonna
be manifested in society, in culture, in family?
Of course, it will be. So when men
and women are created
differently,
understandably,
their roles,
their functions,
their rights, their responsibilities
are also different. But the Quran and sunnah
has never ever claimed that one is better
than the other. No. They're different, and differences
should be respected and and and and embraced.
There is no competition. The both of them
are equally noble. The both of them are
equally human. The both of them have equally
been created to worship Allah and to enter
Jannah. Neither of the 2 is more noble
than the other And this is the explicit
testimony of the Quran and the Sunnah. Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala mentions
when our mothers came to the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam saying, You Rasulullah,
why doesn't Allah mention women more in the
Quran? Haven't we also migrated? Haven't we also
sacrificed? Haven't we also lost loved ones? And
so Allah revealed in the Quran,
Allah says I have responded to this and
I will say Allah will not cause the
good deeds of any of you to go
to waste, male or female.
The 2 of you are from each other.
The 2 of you are from each other,
meaning every male comes from a male and
female, and every female comes from a male
and female.
So any good deed a man does and
any good deed a woman does, they shall
get the equal rewards if all other factors
are the same. Gender does not privilege in
the eyes of Allah.
That is the ultimate equality. So this is
the first point that we learn from the
Sharia. Not surprisingly, therefore, men and women do
have general different roles. There's no surprise here
when Allah created them biologically different, emotionally different,
hormonally different, physiologically
different, then don't be surprised when there are
default roles. And these default roles, without a
doubt, are better suited to how Allah created
us. So the male, generally speaking, has the
role of protection,
of maintenance.
The male has the, generally speaking, the the
duty of maintaining, but the Arabic word is
of being responsible.
And the woman, the general default role is
to be nurturing,
is to be loving, is to be a
homemaker.
This is the reality
of the Quran and the sunnah and of
lived human history.
Anybody can be an engineer or doctor, male
or female, Anybody can be a CEO, male
or female. But only a woman can bring
life into this world, and nurture and love
that life with a love that only the
mother has. There is no competition.
Women have been created to be nurturing. Women
have been created that Allah has allowed them
to bring life into this world. What more
nobility can you want than this? And I
say that one of the biggest criticisms I
have of feminism
and of 3rd and 4th way feminism, one
of the biggest criticism I I have is
that they have made the notion of a
homemaker and a housewife to be something demeaning,
to be something looked down upon. There is
nothing more noble than giving birth and taking
care of that child. What can possibly be
more noble than bringing another life into this
world by Allah's permission? We men have no
competition in that regard, but unfortunately what feminism
has done is the very notion of a
woman being a homemaker, of woman being feminine,
it is looked down upon as if she's
not reached her full potential.
What greater potential is there then to give
birth and to nurture this child that you
have given birth to? And so without a
doubt, the sharia has come with ideals, and
these are the ideals. However, move on to
the next point here, and this is where
it gets a little bit confusing.
While there are ideal roles that, yes, the
man generally is the provider, is the maintainer,
is the protector, and the woman generally is
the nurturer,
these are general roles, but here is where
it gets awkward.
1st and foremost,
the Sharia,
because it means to be applied across the
world for all times and places,
did not bring a long list of chores,
of specifics.
The Sharia did not come with very minute
details about what does it mean that man
is?
What does it mean that man is responsible
for the maintenance and woman is responsible for
the nurturing? Allah didn't reveal the details. Why?
Because these details will change from time to
culture to place to society.
Therefore, there is an element of openness in
this regard that we can change and adapt
to, and this is where in this ambiguity
a lot of confusion arises. If you look
online, what are the biggest debates that modern
couples have, who's gonna cook the meals? Who's
gonna do the chores? Who's gonna take the
trash out? I have to tell you Allah
didn't reveal Quranic verses about this. And the
Sharia has come open ended. You will find
scholars in some generations, in some societies saying
the average class, middle class family, the husband
has to bring a servant for the wife.
But you know, in America, we cannot afford
servants, that's not the reality. Whereas in other
societies, middle class can't afford servants. And so
in that society, you have a famous scholar
in 7th century, you know Damascus, he has
a famous fatwa, you find it online that
the average household, the woman is not obligated
to cook and the husband has to provide
a a a a help to come and
cook. That's fine for that society. But in
the lands we live in, we cannot afford
for the average person. So then who will
do the cooking? Who will do the maintenance
of the household? The Sharia has left it
for the couples to decide. You cannot quote
one fatwa from a 7th century scholar. Another
scholar said, it is not allowed for the
husband to demand cooking from his wife. You
will find diversity here. Right? No one fatwa
from a scholar of the past will be
applicable to modern America, requires a different understanding
of the times of the places, and the
Sharia did not come with specifics. Let every
couple decide, let every couple come together and
say, it's it's a varied reality. Sometimes the
woman cannot because she's working, because whatever. In
this case, it's the situation might change. Another
reality
is that
not only does the Sharia allow for this,
but in fact, Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and
the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam
has explicitly
endorsed
cultural
relativity.
And this is demonstrated in many instances even
in the seerah. One of the most interesting,
and it raises, you know, some humor as
well when we mentioned the story, but apart
from the humor, one needs to be serious
in this regard that Umar ibn Khattab radiAllahu
an, he was accustomed to a certain type
of interaction with the women of Makkah, that
the women were more docile, the women were
more quiet. And when they migrated to Madinah,
then his wife became more responding, more rebuking,
more standing up and and and responding back
to Umar ibn Khattar radhiallahu
an, rebuking, more standing up and and and
responding back to Amr ibn Khattar radiAllahu an.
And so he complained to the prophet, you
Rasulullah,
don't you miss the days in Makkah when
our women were quiet and they didn't respond
back to us. Now we've come to Madinah,
these Ansari ladies have corrupted. He said they've
corrupted our women. Right? Now, yes, we find
the brothers find this a bit humorous. I
get this point here, but here's the more
serious point. The more serious point, who's right,
Mecca or Madinah?
The prophet
did not take sides here.
This requires a bit of maturity,
anthropology,
sociology,
cultural differences.
Mecca was more, if you like, rough. Madinah
was more urban and cultivated.
And the general rule, listen to me carefully,
when societies are more cultivated,
when there's more civic, you know, safety, when
there's more amenities,
gender roles will change. Gender roles will change.
And when society is more rough, when you
have to protect, when there's war going on,
all feminism will be forgotten when wars come
back here because men will have to protect
women. But there's nothing wrong with this.
Societies change. And in the current society we
live in, with technology,
with
amenities that we have, with the safety and
whatnot, don't be surprised men and women's roles
change. And it's not even if Makkah
and Madinah had different understandings of how a
wife should treat her husband,
And this is in the same time and
the same land. What do you think about
America in 2024?
So brothers in particular,
be broad minded and understand that Sharia
allows for a fine tuning. And I speak
bluntly to the young brothers here, don't imagine
that your understanding of how to treat a
woman which is based upon some abstract theory
is going to be the real understanding.
We find this rise of this this harsh
machoistic
culture. I find it terrifying,
the appeal of certain internet personalities,
the appeal of this version of harsh masculinity.
Oh brothers, allow me to be blunt, you
can't even enforce this version in your own
mother and sister and they're related to you.
Do you think you will enforce it on
your future wife? Wallahi, it's not gonna happen,
and wait till you have daughters. Just wait
till you have a 19 year old daughter
wanting to argue with you over your understanding
of how men and women should live. Wallahi,
oh brothers, if you maintain
this narrow minded understanding of the way to
be a true man is just to be
harsh, to not understand prophetic mercy, to not
understand women are equal creatures, equal human beings,
equal nobility.
If you think Islam teaches you just to
be machoistic,
then I'm sorry, you haven't understood Islam, and
you haven't understood biology. This is not how
the world works here. But the same can
be said of our sisters as well. Oh
sisters, understand
that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala blessed you with
privileges he didn't give our brothers. And of
those privileges is your femininity and your compassion.
Of the blessings Allah has given you, he's
made you a woman. And what a woman
brings to the table in marriage is not
what a man brings. Again, allow me to
be blunt here as somebody who has to
deal with divorces
every single day or second day in our
community. Even yesterday a major issue happened and
I had to deal with a family involved.
Somebody that has to deal with the level
of
unmarried sisters. We have a crisis. How many
women are not married? How many of our
qualified women, they're in their thirties, forties, and
they've never got married, and they're saying where
are all the men here? Sisters, allow me
to be blunt, and I know this is
so politically incorrect. I'm gonna get canceled a
100 times over. May Allah protect me.
Allah Azzawajal
created you as a woman. And what a
man wants as a woman is not her
degrees or her education. I'm not saying not
to get educated. Don't misunderstand me. But when
a man wants to get married,
he's not looking for a partner in his
company.
He's not looking for a partner in the
business. He wants a woman,
and a woman, a mother to his children.
He wants somebody that's a life partner. That's
what he's looking for. Please don't misunderstand
me. I'm not saying, of course, you should
be educated. No problem. You should have a
degree. Yes, indeed. Allah bless me with sons
and daughters. All of them are getting top
notch degrees right now. All of them are
getting educated. But I'm saying, you have to
understand, dear sisters,
that your value in the eyes of Allah
is not related to your degree, is not
related to what you bring to the table.
It is related to your piety and then
your
Your akhlaq
is what a brother will be interested in.
Your akhlaq, your femininity,
inner your inner beauty, this is what a
brother wants to see. And my humble advice
to you, oh, sisters, when you come of
marriageable age, do not delay your marriage for
the sake of the dunya. Do not delay
your marriage for the sake of this dunya.
When you get of marriageable age, then a
good brother
proposes, accept that. And this is a message
to the parents as well. Talk to any
of us seniors in the community.
How many mothers and fathers come to us
begging to find sutures for their daughters, and
their daughters are super qualified. Their daughters have
MDs and PhDs. Their daughters are great. But
as we all know, and I'm not I'm
sorry, but this is the blunt reality.
There is a time opportunity
in which women have the highest value. And
if they let that time go by, I'm
sorry to be blunt. Cancel me if you
will. Your cancellation doesn't change biology,
and it doesn't change the facts. And the
facts are women of a certain age have
the highest value when it comes to marriage
and potentiality.
And if you allow that age to go,
well, we face a spinsterhood problem. We face
this reality. Parents, listen to me carefully.
Yes, educate your daughters, but make sure they
have good husbands as well, and do not
prioritize
anything over a loving husband. The the sisters
of our times, wallahi, they want a loving
family more than they want advanced degrees in
education. And if you can do both, good
for you, no problem. But without a doubt,
priority is marriage, priority is children. For a
woman to have a loving husband, for a
woman to have a loving family and children,
this is the best blessing she can have
after Islam. So do not delay marriage on
either sides. All Muslims, I conclude the first
khutba by reminding all of us and especially
our youth that do not think of this
complex topic in simplistic terms. This is a
very deep and profound topic. Do not think
one slogan can solve all the problems. Remove
these labels. Remove the cancel culture. Remove the
emotionalism,
and then speak to your elders.
Young men, speak to your mothers and aunts
and older cousins. Get the woman's perspective. Young
women, speak to the elders in your community
as well. Life teaches you what books will
not teach you, and your grandmother has more
wisdom than all of the internet celebrities combined
because your grandmother has lived life, and she
has experience of real life unlike all of
the internet people who are giving you ideas
that are absolutely incorrect. Listen to your elders,
dialogue with those that have more knowledge than
you, and understand the world is a very
complex place. You're not gonna find simplistic answers
to these complex problems. And most importantly,
throughout all of this, raise your hands to
Allah and ask Allah to guide you in
this complex and difficult topic. Ask Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala to bless you with wisdom and
understanding. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala bless each
and every one of us within through the
Quran and may he make us of those
who is verses they understand and applies halal
and haram throughout our lifespan. Ask Allah's forgiveness.
You as well ask him for his
and the Rahman.
All praise is due to Allah, the one
and the unique.
He it is whom we worship, and it
is his blessings that we seek. He is
the lord of the oppressed, and he hears
the prayer of the weak. As to what
follows,
oh Muslims, I go back to my first
point here.
Without a doubt, each of the genders has
a long list of things that irritates them
about the opposite gender, understandably.
But the actual solution to the problem
must begin with the acknowledgment
that both of us are feeding into that
negativity.
Both genders,
wallahi, o brothers, if every one of you
acted in the prophetic manner, if every one
of you acted like a true gentleman, if
you truly embrace Islamic masculinity,
the bulk of our sisters would not have
to resort to their understandings of feminism.
But because we have failed, and because divorce
is rampant, and because abuse is rampant, and
because is rampant, and because there's so much
harm,
understandably
some of our sisters, many of our sisters
have misunderstood their religion and said and done
things they should not do. When they do
this, a new batch of youngsters sees that,
and in order to respond to those sisters,
they embrace a version of masculinity,
the alpha male masculinity, the red pill masculinity
that they think will solve the problems. But
both of these are feeding into each other
and neither will solve problems.
O Muslims, O brothers, O sisters, O men
and women, we are not enemies of each
other. Half the world is the opposite gender.
We need each other. We are together.
Believing men, believing women, the 2 of them
are supporters of each other. We are supporters.
We are not enemies of one another. We're
on the same team and that is the
team of marriage and the team of family.
Understand this point. If you're going to dehumanize
the other gender, if you're gonna constantly belittle,
if you're gonna constantly, you know, try to
make fun of them, what do you think
is gonna happen? It doesn't work that way.
Brothers and sisters, men and women, we are
not competing
against each other. We are in fact competing
against ourselves.
Each one of us, we are competing against
ourselves to see who is best in the
eyes of Allah. O Muslims, we need to
turn to Allah for help, not turn against
each other. And I say to women and
to men, our ultimate value, our ultimate worth
is not decided by our backgrounds,
by our ethnicities,
even by our gender that Allah has chosen
for us. Our ultimate nobility
is decided by our piety,
and piety, oh Muslims, has no gender.
Men and women can both be pious, and
ultimate nobility comes through piety and only piety.
O Muslims,
turn to Allah,
be pious,
understand the Islamic understanding of gender,
understand Islam has priority over culture,
understand culture has a role to play but
only after Islam and then most importantly
be open to learn, be open to dialogue,
be open to communication,
humble yourselves. You're only 19, 20, you don't
know everything about this world. Humble yourselves. You're
not married yet, you don't understand marriage, so
learn from those older than you. Speak to
those that have traversed this path, and understand
that your ultimate wisdom will come from Allah
and then from the elders of the community
and not from internet personalities that might
give you some nuggets of wisdom but that
is couched in much evil. That's not where
you learn from. Learn from the Quran and
learn from your elders and your community. May
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide us all to
that which he loves.