Yasir Qadhi – Can My Brother Be A Wali for Marriage if My Father is Unjust – Ask Shaykh YQ #244

			A brother writes to us from New Jersey, that he has an elder sister who has been trying to get
married for many years. She is now in her 30s. And for whatever reason, no suitable candidate has
come in the past. However,
		

			she has gotten to know somebody at work. And they have spoken to one another and developed a liking.
And now he has proposed for her hand, our brother emails and says this is the problem, that he seems
like a good candidate, he's seems to be a good Muslim, however, his father and her father, their
brother and sister, his father, is not allowing this marriage to take place, because the brother
who's proposing is from another ethnicity, and he says, my mother, and I think this brother is a
good candidate, but our father is adamant that he doesn't want to marry outside his ethnicity. And
also, he says that he doesn't like the fact that his daughter found this man on her own through
		

			work. He finds this to be Islamically awkward, and he would rather that they go through family and
friends. So he's saying the question is, in this case, may I disobeyed my father, the brother is
asking me, may I go against my father's wishes and take over the world? The Wilaya become the Wali
for my sister, she's my older sister, May I become the Wali and have this marriage take place?
		

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			Now, this is a very, very sensitive question. And before I begin, I would like to state I am
speaking in generic terms, I'm not speaking to you to your brother in New Jersey or to any specific
case, I'm speaking in generic terms for informational purposes only. I am not. And I never give
specific verdicts about family situations and scenarios via this q&a. How can I when it is
Islamically not allowed for anybody to pronounce a verdict on a particular family situation without
listening to both sides? So whenever there's two people involved, you have your father saying
something you have your sister saying something right, I don't know for sure I'm hearing from you
		

			through your email, how can I pronounce your verdict without listening to the both of them.
Therefore, the goal of my q&a today is to educate and to increase awareness and to have more
information that will give you options so that you can then check with people in your locality and
aroma and scholars directly that you are in touch with, and then see what is the best course of
option. Also, I would like to state to that I have given a much longer q&a about the necessity for
having a woody in a marriage. And I encourage you to listen to that q&a. In fact, may I even suggest
you pause the video right here and now go Google on YouTube somewhere, it's on this channel on the
		

			same channel that does a woman need a body for marriage. And I go over the three main opinions, I
will not go over those three opinions in a lot of detail today with their evidence is because I have
done that in a previous lecture. And I have said there are three primary opinions historically
speaking, the first of them is that and this is the default of the three methods. The majority of
the three methods the humbly shafr is and Moloch is the default position within these three is that
Awali is required in all scenarios. And the Wali has the ultimate right of veto, if he doesn't want
the marriage to take place, then the marriage will not take place regardless of if it is a
		

			previously unmarried or if it is a widow or divorce. See this is the default position. That's
position number one, position number two, which is a position found in the humbly school in the shop
for your school, we find some people that have said this. As for the medic, I'm not sure so I don't
want to my memory is failing me now. So I don't want to say but I I think it is also found in the
mighty cube but it is not the default. And that is that a previously unmarried lady, her what he has
the ultimate right of veto. However, a married lady who has now divorced or widowed, she may then
marry with a worldly but the way it becomes a technicality. So in both scenarios, there's already
		

			however, for the one who has been married, and then she's divorced or widowed, the Woody is
basically a formality and if the what he agrees fine, if not, she finds another Woody, she finds a
cousin or brother or an uncle and she says okay, you do my marriage. So, she then really becomes the
one in charge of her marriage and then it becomes a technicality. So there is already for the
divorced or the widowed but in reality she appoints that
		

			And so it's just a formality. This is the second opinion. And the third opinion, which is the
default of the Hanafi school is that a adult lady abala does not need a way regardless of whether
she's previously unmarried, or she is widowed or divorced in all scenarios, she does not need a
family and she may do her own marriage, or she may appoint a Wali. And if God doesn't like the one
she's getting, she may get another one. He said, In other words, for the Hanafi is that it is a
formality in any situation. And so if she appoints one good, if not, she may directly do the
marriage herself. And just like she does every business transaction herself, so she can do this. And
		

			I went over all of the evidences, this is not the time to get into this. And I said, in my humble
opinion, based upon my study, and it's a study that is not just a few hours, this is a subject that
every one of us who is a student of knowledge or a scholar, we spend years thinking about going over
the evidences, the position that I adopted is the second one, which is that a previously unmarried
lady, she does require her What is approval to get married, and divorced or widowed lady that only
becomes a technicality and just a formality. And if her father, brother likes the one that she wants
to get married to find, if not, she may find another person and use that person as the Wali. Now, by
		

			the way, I'd like to state that that response that I gave, it has proven to be one of my most
contentious responses in terms of the feedback that I get from the viewers. It's not my most
controversial that must be the it's The Hawthorn Sergei which generated Allah who I know what he
generated. But that's a whole different point. Let me go not go down that tangent. But this response
generated a lot of emails from many sisters who were frustrated my answer, and they did not
appreciate my position. And one of them said, and I quote here, that she writes that she's generally
very impressed with my research and my practicality and taking into account the times that we live
		

			in. However, she was sorely disappointed that for this particular question, it appears that I did
not take reality into account. And she says, and I quote, The women of our generation are far more
knowledgeable than the women of previous generations, and we need to rethink through this ruling. So
the long and short of it is
		

			this particular scenario where our sister is being denied a marriage, because her father does not
like the ethnicity of the the person proposing.
		

			I say to this, that, even though my opinion is the same, and by the way to answer the other concern
that I'm not taking technicalities, or I'm not taking realities into account and whatnot, I say that
My dear sister or sisters were emailing me. We take culture into account where the shedding allows
us to take culture into account. We cannot take culture and simply negate the text of the Quran and
Sunnah. cultural
		

			realities are one of the sources but not the ultimate source. And one of the principles, the maxims
of fifth says, under uniform Oh, heck come that culture shall be given ultimate authority, but our
scholars say ultimate authority, where the Shetty allows it to have ultimate authority. And there's
no question that when it comes to this issue, the three methods other than the Hanafi de interpret a
large set of a hadith in a particular manner. Our Prophet says, some said Hadith in Bukhari and
Muslim that the widowed or divorced lady shall not be married until she gives the command that I
want to be married to this man. And the single lady, the bigger the unmarried lady, I should say,
		

			not the single the previous the unmarried, the virgin lady, she must be asked permission. They said
O Messenger of Allah, she is shy. In those days women would be shy, they wouldn't say yes, I married
this man. So the profitsystem said her silence is her consent. Now this hadith in Bukhari and Muslim
and there are so many other Hadith as well. So my point is that the notion of taking culture into
account you're all correct in this regard, but we cannot ignore explicit commandments of the Quran
and Sunnah. Culture cannot be used to override and veto the Quran and Sunnah. And with utmost
humility, and I'm willing to be corrected here. The claim that women of our generation are different
		

			than previous generations, and so we should rethink through it seems a bit a bit of a stretch if you
ask me. Because what if one were to say, and I speak as a man here? What if one were to say that the
men of our generation are in some ways I'm speaking generically and not every single man, generally
speaking, so many men are worse than so many?
		

			of the previous generation, and they're willing to take advantage in a way that previous generations
would not. You see, the psychological purpose of the body is to act as checks and balances. Because
by nature, a woman is more innocent and trusting I'm sorry to be stereotypical, stereotypical, we
live in a time and place where anything you say about any gender is viewed as sexist or misogynistic
or whatnot, you can no longer even talk about the gender differences, okay? Well, you not wanting to
talk about it as not change the reality. And generally speaking, men are more interested in one
particular thing. And that is the intimacy aspect. And they're willing to get it generally speaking,
		

			in ways that might not be the most ethical, whereas women want the love and they want the protection
and they want that relationship with the man that is more than just the the the intimacy and so they
might be more trusting and innocent. So if the man acts in a decent manner, uses the right words,
she might be swayed into thinking, okay, you know what, let me give him a little bit so that our
bond is solidified. And this is where the body comes in, because the body can understand the man and
the man who's interested in the woman as well, when he knows there's a body involved, even this
person will act in a different manner. And by the way, for all of you who are going to email me
		

			saying that I'm stereotyping before you email me speak to sisters who have been involved in Muslim
matrimonial websites, okay? Speak to 20 3050 100 of them and get their feedback. What do they think
of the men of our times and how honest and truthful they are, the purpose of the Wali is to act as
checks and balances. That's what it is. It's not that we are impugning the sister for not being
		

			fully capable. We are saying that when you bring the willie onto the picture, then the man who is
serious the suitor will autumn you will just by having a woody I swear to you will eliminate 90% of
the filth 90% Then you sift through the 10% that come to the table you say okay, now, let us see. So
I stand by what I say that generally speaking and the Shetty is based on generalities, there's
always exceptions, generally speaking, what he is meant to protect the woman's interest and to bring
the best person to the table. And therefore, due to the explicit nature of these a hadith I
personally with utmost respect to my Hanafi brethren and I know their evidences and I know their
		

			arguments and counter arguments. This debate has been going on for 1400 years between the various
motherhood with utmost respect because of the nature of these a hadith. I am with the majority,
however, the majority with the exception and that is the adult lady who is divorced or widowed. As I
said, the body does not have veto power. This is not the position that I hold based upon the a
hadith in this regard. And I say with utmost humility and with gentleness to our sisters who don't
like this position with utmost humility. Well, I'm not being sarcastic or facetious. Please listen
to me. I hope inshallah you are married soon. I hope Allah blesses you with sons and daughters. A
		

			time will come in shallow to other when you will have a young daughter, and that daughter will
become a teenager and that teen you will become 1920 21 years old. When that happens. I want you to
remember what I'm saying now, would you like that your 19 year old daughter and she is valuable?
She's out there. She's 19 She's not a child, even though 19 is not fully adult? Would you like this
19 year old comes home one day and says, Oh, I found a boy at my local cafe. You know, he is you
know, the darling of the Romeo of my dreams? Does he have a job? Oh, he's gonna work such that he
understands me like nobody else. Why are you worried about money? Did you have education? Oh, he's a
		

			visionary. Just wait until you have a daughter. And then you ask yourself this this issue? Would you
want your daughter you know to believe any man that comes up to her and talk about marriage? Or
would you want some checks and balances in this regard? So I'm quoting you one scenario, which is
let's say a 19 year old shelter lady who doesn't understand men, you're quoting me the opposite,
which is an educated lady who understands men 3540 years old, whatever situation is different, which
is why I say very clearly, the default rule remains the same and that is an unmarried lady
previously unmarried, keep on saying unmarried, previously unmarried virgin lady requires her wadis
		

			permission. However, listen to this now now we come to your answer. Every rule has exceptions. And
these exceptions can be put into place by those who are qualified to do so. So if the what he acts
like a checks and balances for the suture and for his daughter, the government the Islamic court
will act as checks and balances for the body. So there is an authority above the body that can take
the body status away and give it to somebody else. But it's not going to come from the lady who
herself is in love and probably cannot see, you know, beyond what the relationship she's in. And
it's not going to come from the family members because there are a vested interest and also it's
		

			going to cause a lot of tensions rather it
		

			We'll come from a third party. So in an Islamic land, this lady would have gone to the court of law
and said, I have been waiting for good suitor for 1015 years, nobody has come. Now this man has
come. And my father is saying no, for reasons that I think are petty, then the court will look into
it, and then decide we don't have a quarter in America, what do we do, you will go to a trusted
share of your community. And I say this, and please don't read in some type of racism. I'm just
being brutally honest here. Try to find the share of your own ethnicity, just because most likely
your family and your father will listen to that person with more respect. That's the only reason we
		

			need to be practical here. I'm not trying to bring in the race card, I'm trying to be practical
solution that bring in somebody who understands your situation and predicament and understands the
language of your father language, not just actual language, but the psychological language of your
father. And then listen to this, try to work with and through your Father, don't just jump over him.
Let me give you what you if you were in my community in East Plano, Islamic center and epic, you
know, what I would do, I would call the brother make sure that you are at he is as he says, he's a
decent man, I would call the sister make sure that everything is fine and legit, I would call you
		

			make sure you are all in agreement to your mother and everybody, then I would call your father and I
would speak to him as a man to a man in person to a person try to convince him don't just threaten
him try to convince him Yeah, he you know, you have to you know, fear Allah, your daughter is not
going to find a suitable husband, what are you going to do if nobody else comes, you work with him,
you try to put soft pressure, hard pressure, emotional pressure, the daughter should also put some
pressure the son should put pressure you work within the system, you don't just throw it away and
say hello, as you're not going to be my Woody, there are repercussions, social repercussions that
		

			are going to happen, you might break up the family. For this reason, my dear brother in Islam, don't
just say my father is not gonna be the body try to work within and on him and through him soften him
up, even if he grudgingly says yes. Hamdulillah He has said yes. And the story, okay. You say to
him, whatever needs to be said Now in case he is adamant. And if this situation were, as you
describe it saying big if I don't know, if really it was, as you described, me personally, if you
came in my community, and everything checked that, yes, the brother is definitely a suitable partner
in many Islamic ways, and whatnot, and everything seems to be fine. Then me personally, if your
		

			father was absolutely adamant, I would say humbly to your father, you may get angry at me, but I
feel that you are doing loom to your daughter, and I will give the Wilaya to your son, you must go
to a third party. Why? Because your father will be angry at me for a long period of time, may Allah
protect me from any type of any, you know, anger or whatnot, but that's going to happen. But we
don't want them to get angry at you, your son, you're the son, we don't want him to get angry at
you, you have to take you have to understand long term, inshallah Your father will cool down one
day, but if you went against him, he might never forgive you. Whereas if you say, it's not my fault,
		

			the chef who did it, let him be angry at me or the chef of your community, because I'm not a family
member, let him say, oh, that person, even if he never talks to me, again, I don't want him to not
talk to you. Again, you understand this point here, my dear brothers, sisters that are involved in
these things. Understand this is a long term issue. Marriages are big issues, not trivial issues.
And that's why what he is different. With most respect to that I'd have that says no woody for the
sisters because she can buy and sell buying and selling as a one off trading transaction. Marriage
is a communal societal family event. And that is why the Shediac requires a worry for the woman
		

			because what's going to happen in the divorce, she's going to come back to the wedding, she's going
to come back to the Father. So a marriage is a very different type of scenario. And therefore, if
the father is absolutely adamant in this regard, I would work with him. And I would soften and
threaten and harsh and whatnot using different ways to do so go through cousins go through uncles
and relatives try to get him to change. And if he still doesn't change, well, then a chef of your
community, a person who is a part of your community that can speak to all of the parties concerned,
he should look into this issue. And if he realizes because in the end of the day, your father
		

			wanting somebody of the same ethnicity is a halal request per se, but when it is impeding on the
rights of your sister, and we have a crises going on of spinsterhood. We know this it is not just a
problem. It is a crisis. It is one of the biggest problems of our American Muslim community. Dare I
say to the best of my knowledge, Western Muslims overall, we are facing a crisis of marriage that
there the pool of illegible good bachelor's is much smaller than the pool of eligible good sisters.
For some reason. We don't have a lot of men who are intelligent and good mannered and good Dean and
good jobs whereas we have lots of sisters were intelligent and good, modern good
		

			In good jobs, we have a lot of them. Why this is the case is beyond the scope of this talk and will
lie this is definitely I think we need to address in our communities need to work on this. And there
are many reasons, by the way, and by the way, it's not just a one way street. To be brutally honest
here. Yes, a lot of it has to do with the brothers. But a lot of it has to do with the cultures
we're living in, and the rise of various isms out there that emasculate
		

			what it means to be a man, I'm being very brutally honest here. And also, by the way, let me get
into trouble for saying this. But it needs to be said, the most obvious Islamic solution
unfortunately, seems to be completely ignored, even though so many Islamic marriages, meaning
society is allowing so many different types of marriage permutations and gender permutations, the
most obvious and normal and natural answer no one, it is not even being discussed. So until all of
you decide to understand that for the bottom benefit of the OMA, we need to return to this reality
that once upon a time was the norm in many lands, we are facing such a crisis right now. And until
		

			we collectively decide that it is permissible and not politically incorrect, until we do that, all
of the sisters are going to have to collectively do what they can May Allah make it easy for you.
But that needs to be said very bluntly. Nonetheless, my point being
		

			the issue of spinsterhood is indeed a problematic one. And the fact that as you yourself said,
You're waiting for so long for a good brother to come. Now that you have found one, I think that it
is too petty, for your father to deny a marriage just because of ethnicity. And as for the notion of
them, liking each other from work SubhanAllah. Again, this is where I think culture doesn't need to
play a role. So what if that happens, as long as they kept it halal? There's nothing wrong with
having emotions and wanting to get married, it is only natural it will happen. And from the Syrah,
we learn that our mother Khadija rhodiola, whiner, she was the one who felt that the processing was
		

			a good candidate, and she was the one who indirectly facilitated the proposal, there is nothing
wrong. And your father needs to be told this gently, but firmly and bluntly that there's nothing
wrong, as long as everything was kept good. There's no sin. And even if it wasn't kept fully good,
may Allah forgive them. But that should not invalidate the marriage later on. Yeah, and that the
marriage is the marriage afterwards. So the point being that, given the reality of spinsterhood, and
given that your sister, you're saying, she's now reached an age where she might not have children,
if she doesn't get married now and you don't know when the next person is going to come, I think
		

			this is definitely a legitimate excuse to get an exception for the rule. It doesn't negate the rule,
every rule has exceptions, the rule is a previously unmarried lady requires her father's or her
primary body as approval. And in case that is not given, she should respect that until the person is
found that meets all the criteria. However, if the body is being unjust or foolish or petty, then go
to a higher authority and in the lands that we live in that hierarchy authority is going to be
respected, the most respected share of the community so that nobody can impugn this person, a person
who is respected and preferably have the same ethnicity as you are, so that he can know best how to
		

			deal with the culture that that you're coming from. And it is permissible in this case, if the share
feels so because again, to conclude on this point, I am not saying your particular situation because
I cannot verify I am saying if what you say is correct, and that can only be verified by somebody
who speaks to all the parties concerned. I personally would not have a problem taking away the wily
the Wilaya of a person in this case and handing it over to somebody else such as you in this case,
but that can only be done by somebody who knows the situation personally and the end ALLAH SubhanA
wa Tada knows best. Zach moolah, who later on was Salam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh