Yasir Qadhi – Ask Shaykh YQ – Episode 52

			The second question today is a very difficult one.
		

			Sister says do not mention my name. So she is sister anonymous. She emails a long email, she says,
We always hear about the rights of the parents over and over and over again. How about the rights of
the children?
		

			And how about the rights of those children who have been abused by the parents, then she goes into a
lot of detail that I will not go into. She basically says that I'll skim over it that you know that
her father was abusive to the point that when she's around him, she gets anxiety attacks, she gets a
flashback she cannot breathe properly. Now she has moved on, she's living separate. And she is
saying that
		

			is it? Was it for me to visit to be a dutiful daughter? Or can I just make dua and let it be? What
is my obligation to have to serve him given that we have this past and she has some details of the
abuse? So this is the question.
		

			It is obvious that
		

			the sister has had a very traumatic childhood. And my question and my answer to it is not therapy or
counseling, it is not addressing the psychological issue, it is addressing the issue, I advise this
sister and anybody in that situation, that along with asking a chef and an Islamic person, also
consult with a therapist and a counselor, clearly reading her email, she has a lot of trauma, it's
called and she doesn't know how to unpack it. And chefs are not therapists, chefs are not
counselors, we can give you the we cannot give you therapy. And it is a mistake to come to any one
of us who has Islamic knowledge with issues that require therapy, unless the person has trained in
		

			therapy, and I have not trained to be a counselor. And we need to realize that
		

			abuse comes in many forms. In this particular case, it was physical and emotional. Physical abuse is
of course, hitting in a way that is obviously you know, beyond what is normal, not what is normal
varies from time to place to culture. When I grew up, it was much more common to hit. Before us it
was even more common to hit you know, and these days, you can go to jail for doing the same thing
that we would have happened maybe in the 80s. But it is something that is cultural, that how much is
abuse and how much discipline is something and our times people are shying away from any type of I'm
hitting, that's physical abuse means you do something that is traumatic physically, there is
		

			emotional abuse. By the way, these are five types of abuse, you should know them, there is emotional
abuse, what is emotional abuse, emotional abuse is you undermined the individual sense of esteem,
the individual's humanity, constantly criticizing diminishing name calling, why were you born,
you're a nuisance to me. Imagine if a parent says this, in this particular case, the sister mentions
her father would always say I wish you had never been born with Ebola with Ebola. This is like you
haven't killed the daughter physically, you're killing her emotionally, what type of father would
say this? What type of person would say this to a biological child of theirs that you wish you had
		

			known? I would have allowed with it. But just imagine that level right? constantly, any criticism
comes out. I wanted to avoid this and that whatever it is that is being said, this is emotional
abuse, where you're constantly diminishing, what's going to happen to a child being raised in that
type of environment, how will they feel. The third type of abuse is, of course, one of the worst
types that sexual abuse and we all know what that is. And the fourth type of abuse is economic
abuse, economic abuse is that a person of means and wealth does not spend of that means and wealth
on the family. When the family is not living a comfortable life. Even though the birth breadwinner
		

			has enough to know obviously, if he doesn't, then they're all suffering together. We're talking
about a stingy person, and this is Luna. All of these are five types of bodom. This is economic
abuse. And then the fifth is psychological abuse and psychological abuse is similar to emotional
except that over here, psychological abuse is fear of intimidation, it is a threatening, that
doesn't actually result in an actual physical, but a threat. If you do this, I'm going to burn you
if you do this. This is like psychological torture that is done to a person. So these are five
common types of abuse. And it must be said here, parents adults, learn to recognize these types of
		

			abuse and monitor in your immediate families. If somebody is abusing a child, within your own
family, who is going to protect that child other than the
		

			extended family Think about this. If you have somebody who is doing one of these types of abuse to a
young person, it is our job collectively to come in How else will this child be protected if it is
being abused in its own house, and it is your cousin, your brother, you're in law, whatever, it's
must be our job to monitor collectively, and then take the necessary steps, then perhaps we might
have an entire conference about this issue, because we need to teach the community how to recognize
abuse, what to do in the case of abuse, and in fact, some abuse according to the law, if you are
quiet, you will be prosecuted, according to the law of this country. And honestly, it's a good law,
		

			you cannot ignore some types of abuse and you see it in front of you, and you don't do anything
about it. We need to teach our community. So we need to be careful about recognizing these types of
abuse and parents, the sisters email, it really shattered my heart It really was traumatic to reach
you went into detail. You already heard some I'm not going to mention all of it, even though she
said you can mention the detail. But I'd rather not going to the point is that parents, we need to
be cognizant that our children also have hacked over us. They have a * over us. And if we
overstep that, if we cross the line, they can complain to a law on Judgement Day that my parents did
		

			boom. To me, being a parent doesn't mean you get away with anything. Being a parent means it comes
with responsibility. And we see now in the case of this daughter, that she is now an adult she's
left the household she is saying visiting my father makes me palpitate breathing hearted I'm an
attack What do you call the panic attack? visiting brings back all of that, I cannot even see him
because she obviously has the detail what is going on? And what is to be said in this case, what is
the ruling over here, this young lady has now grown up and her sense of self worth she has and
hamdulillah she's overcome to the point of of starting a life but now when she goes back she feels
		

			diminished. She feels deja vu all the way back. So response to her.
		

			Firstly, dear sister, before you get to the film, please go see a therapist and counselor and unpack
all of this trauma that you have I cannot help you there you need to go to an expert in this regard.
Secondly, when it comes from a fifth pay perspective, Allah subhana wa tada mentions in the Oregon
law you can live long enough San Illa was Haha, no soul is burdened with more than what it can bear.
And if there are circumstances where you start suffering, panic attacks or hyperventilating or
palpitating. Allah is not calling you to do something that is unreasonable and beyond your your
bearing capability. And our Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, law law while there are this is a
		

			principle of fick, there shall be no harm inflicted, nor shall be any harm given. This is a general
principle, no harming anybody. So if she is being harmed, psychologically, emotionally, and in this
case, her father was physically and emotionally abusive, physically, he would discipline to harsh
and emotionally she has these phrases in her mind ringing all the time, this is abuse. And in this
case, if she cannot overcome it, then she is only obliged to do a literal validate what she is
capable of doing. So if she is financially stable, and they need some money, she can send an amount,
indirectly, she doesn't have to go and hand it herself. pointers, there are still some duties, and
		

			the duties are diminished, in light of the boom that has happened to her. To the extent that if it
is such a harsh storm, that she is frightened for her life, there are no duties upon her. There are
parents that physically harm their children Subhanallah every once in a while we hear of a bizarre
case where a parent with a bit like kills their child, this happens, it's human nature and society,
it happens it's against the law, but we find this are you going to tell the child in this society or
sorry, in that circumstance, no, you still have to go? No. So listen to this rule. The more the
volume increases, the less the OIC are there, simple as that. The more volume has been done to you,
		

			the less it is diminished that you have to give back and you have to make a judgment call in your
own conscience in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And
		

			the Sharia does not burden you with more than what you can bear and that's why as we know in the
Quran, what he then molded to suit the the men patella, even that baby girl that is killed, the
father does not have the right to just kill this is and allow will call the parents to task for them
done to the children. So this is something both parties need to be aware of. As for the sister we
say to her that Allah has tested you to raise your ranks Be patient and also also
		

			please reach out
		

			to other family members, and try to get some type of intervention and reconciliation, have somebody
approach the father or whoever is the perpetrator, that is from the family, because you never know,
maybe he might be repentant now, and turn over a new leaf and ask for forgiveness, which is the
ideal situation, in which case, forgive for the sake of a law and you will be forgiven. Or maybe,
maybe he doesn't realize the severity of what he's done. And he's in his own clueless world. And he
doesn't understand why the doctor is treating so harshly. And he needs to be told No, you did these
mistakes or whatnot. Or maybe there is a perception issue, where she might have perceived something
		

			more than it was all of these are possibilities. She shouldn't just let it be, she should not be
satisfied with status quo. Don't just give up, go through cousins, uncles, aunts, the mother, if
she's still, you know, on the same side, or whatever, but try your best to see what can be done. And
don't just be satisfied with status quo. If it still doesn't work, and there is adamant or arrogance
or whatnot, lie You can leave alone, Epson Illa was Aha, and you are not obliged to do more than
what is necessary. And the same goes for parents that have been missing. I've had a number of cases
that come to me. And they say, for example, my father completely abandoned us when I was born. And
		

			he completely walked out of our lives. Now when I'm 3035 years old, he has rediscovered us, and now
he wants my money and whatnot, you know, and the brothers like, why should I? after he's done to my
mother, and it's obvious, there's a lot of anger over there. And the response is the same. As much
as lumas was done to you have the right to diminish, but there's always somehow always somehow,
because at the end of the day, it is your father or your mother. So you have to do what you can that
is reasonable to do. But there is no question that somebody who has done volume does not have the
same coke. As somebody who has been generous and kind. There's no question about this, blah, blah,
		

			well, other than the final thing that needs to be said in all of these scenarios is that
		

			make dua to Allah subhana wa Tada. Make Torah don't just let it go. Do our souls everything. Our
shediac teaches us that Allah is the one who brings hearts together. Allah is the one whom Allah
beaucoup. Allah is the one low on factor marfil are the Jimmy and ma left the bane of Palooza him
Allah, Allah, Allah beno. If you tried every way to bring reconciliation, you couldn't have done it.
If you spent the whole world's money you couldn't have brought them together, Allah azza wa jal
brought them together, you do not know what will happen. So don't be satisfied with status quo.
being satisfied with the status quo is not good. It might even be a sin. Try through your ASVAB and
		

			then through Allah xojo. Make dua to Allah to soften his heart Your heart tried to mend ways in this
dunya before the Acura and May Allah make it easy final point for all of us here, parents and
children.
		

			We both have an obligation to each other in this regard. And on Judgement Day, Allah tells us that
parents and children will run away from each other in the Quran. Literally, why will they run away
from each other? Why will they run away because of these
		

			on the Day of Judgment, the Father, the mother that has done volume to their own son or daughter,
when they see their son or daughter, they will run away because they will know today is the day that
will be responded to so any parent who is mistreating abusing or with a biller with a bill or a
child or the biller. Remember, that's what the Day of Judgment is for. And you and that child will
be in front of the court of a loss of a job and everything will be playing. You don't want that day
Do not Do not Do volume to people who cannot defend themselves. The Profit System warned us the
greatest boom is against the alpha. The people that cannot defend them the greatest boom that you
		

			can do is against those who cannot defend a child mistreating a child or vulnerable or physically
abusing sexually Oh the below to be law and be monitoring this this is one of those taboo topics we
don't like to talk about. But it is a cancer in all of our societies, not just ours is every we know
what happened in another faith tradition. When I tried to hide what happened we cannot do this. We
have to address this head on and that is why maybe inshallah soon maybe before after Ramadan, we're
going to have an entire seminar about abuse and recognizing abuse, understanding what constitutes
abuse, learning what are techniques we can deal with because we don't want this in our community or
		

			in any community want to be communities of compassion and love. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make all
of our families families of love and compassion and protect all of our children.
		

			drinan women and all innocent one had a shallow thought he will continue tomorrow in our How to have
somebody caught up
		

			in a feed
		

			Leah
		

			Leah