Yasir Qadhi – Ask Shaykh YQ #98 – Can a Husband Force Intimacy On His Spouse

			Next question and again, this is a sexually explicit one. So, you know, keep this point in mind. The
next question is,
		

			can a husband force his wife to engage in *?
		

			One
		

			out of seven
		

			Kobe league in?
		

			No he lay him first.
		

			The answer to this question unfortunately many men misunderstand the Hadith about, about sexual
rights, and they misuse and abuse it. And they understand from it that the man has unconditional
rights to engage in *. And this is simply not the case.
		

			There is a genre of Hadith and they are authentic, you cannot really deny them unless you deny
these. There's numerous a hadith almost to the point of between water water that have the rights of
the marital relations. And by the way, before I even quote is a hadith two brothers and sisters, no
marriage is going to flourish. If you are worried about what is the minimal bare minimal
requirements, it's not going to flourish. The shediac has come with law, marriage is based upon
love. Law and love are two separate things you have to understand this point the Sharia is giving
you the basic bare minimum requirements. But no marriage is going to function. If you look at the
		

			bare minimum requirements, a marriage needs more than law. And the sheriff is not there to teach you
a tickets and matters at least when it comes to the physical books. They're not their shoes, I
should say the physical books are not are not there to teach you a ticket surrenders the physical
books are books of law, and books of law are dry cut and paste rules. And so for example, it is law
that the man has to provide sustenance and food and drink and a roof over her head and clothing upon
the wife. It is a requirement. Even if he has an argument with her even if he's in a bad mood, even
if you know he is suffering anything else, no matter what happens. The man can never ever, ever
		

			deprive his wife of safety of the roof over her head. Unless, of course he doesn't have one that
that's the case. But I'm saying if he has wealth, then he is obliged by the surety to make sure that
his wife is living comfortably in accordance with the income that he has. He cannot just wake up and
say, Ah, I don't feel good. I had a bad argument with her. And I'm not going to give her food today.
No, it doesn't matter what argument has had doesn't matter what bad mood he is in, he is required to
provide his wife a level of living that is in accordance with the income that he has. Now, what is
then the flip side that the law says, and this is law, it's not a dab it's not any love. It's the
		

			law. What is the flip side if the man is required by law to make sure that his wife is fed and taken
care of and protected and safe in her house and she has her own place to live? If he is required to
do this, regardless of what else is happening in his life or how mental pressure he has or even if
they've had an argument, he cannot deprive her, you know of that in our process, some experts who
explicitly said that the right of the wife upon the husband is that, you know, he does not abandoned
her anywhere except in her own house. If he wants to leave and he's angry, he doesn't abandon her in
the middle of the street, he doesn't abandon her in a strange place. If he wants to walk away
		

			because he's so angry and cooled down and whatnot. The only place he can do that she's in the safety
of her house, he walks away in anger. In this case for a while he can come down No problem, he can
never abandon her in a strange place. Now, if the requirement is that upon demand, what is the flip
side? What must a woman do legally speaking, and this is where all of those ahaadeeth come that.
Again, let's be honest here. A lot of people are very uncomfortable that these are Hadith. And a lot
of our sisters and brothers they don't like even quoting these a hadith. But it is law it is not
love and law is separate. You need to understand these a hadith in the broader picture and
		

			philosophy of what the goal of these a hadith is there are multiple Hadith that when a man wants his
desire to be satisfied, and he calls his wife unless she has an excuse, she should respond that
unless she's genuinely sick or menses or you know, severe headache or whatever, or very tired
because of the long day whatever, if she has a legitimate excuse, that's between her and Allah
subhana wa Tada. If she does not have a legitimate excuse, then the Hadith are very clear that the
angels will get angry at her the angels will curse her that she is not fulfilling her wifely duties.
Now, these are authentic hadith nobody can deny them if they accept Hadith. And again as I said
		

			these a hadith are law what it means just like there are certain things the man must do, regardless
of how he feels he must provide for his wife. So there are certain things that the woman is required
to do by law. And the number one thing on that list is availability for * that when
		

			The husband does want to satisfy under Sharia has reviewed this is the shedding of Allah, the shed
era has viewed that the harm that might come for not satisfying a man's desire is worse than the
irritation or the nuisance upon the wife. So she should obey for the sake of Allah Subhana, WA Tada.
Now, all of these ahaadeeth they are between a woman and her Lord, if she refuses her husband, then
the repercussions are going to come upon her. And those repercussions include that the angels are
going to curse or the angels gonna make draw against her, whatever that might be. But notice, if a
woman decides that she is willing to face that wrath, that's between her and Allah and the husband
		

			has the right to criticize, the husband has the right to tell her this is not right. This is not
going to be a flourishing marriage. But he cannot do more than this. He cannot force himself on her
physically. And that's something that is from these ahaadeeth because the prophecy literally said,
if the husband tosses back and forth angry, then the angels are going to curse. He literally says
tosses back and forth. He didn't say I will do Billa he forces himself on her No, he is not allowed
to physically force himself on his wife, because that is going to be a type of harm and a type of
psychological torture and a type of inflicting of pain that is not befitting of human decency of
		

			karma. And our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said la Barrera well are there are there should
be no harming of others, nor should yourself be harmed, there should be no harming of others, and to
force yourself in this manner, in the most intimate of acts to force yourself. This is something
that there is no question. It is a psychological trauma. It is a physical trauma. It is a pain of
the body and the soul and the mind. And there is no way that this is something that is allowed in
our shittier Yes, the wife should not say no. But if for whatever, meaning if she doesn't have an
excuse, but if for whatever reason she does that, then she has to face the consequences with her
		

			Lord, and her husband has the right to speak up. And the Quran does give three steps which is the
famous versus Ruth and Lisa, which does definitely require another question and answer I'm not
trying to avoid that. But I don't want to go down on that verse now because that is a whole
different, you know, issue that we need to discuss, but the three steps that are mentioned sort of
the Nisa that
		

			the woman and the primary context of this verse is about a lady who constantly refuses to engage in
intimacy. That's the context of this verse. And that is the primary meaning of this verse if the
lady constantly refuses to be intimate with her husband, number one, Allah says advisor, advisor
fireable. hoonah, right. Tell her that this is a marriage is not going to flourish this way. I mean,
it's not fair. What do you expect me to do? Marriage has to be based on love You know, for a blue
Honda asked of her rights of the of Allah subhana wa Tada. Number two, leave her in her bed, so
abandoned her, you go to the bedroom to the living room, and you leave her in the bedroom, you make
		

			her understand that things are getting serious. The third thing that is mentioned in the Quran, my
philosophy or my photo is that in the cultures that we live in, this is an option A, B, or C, it's
not why'd you if you have to get to see my advice is jump over C and move to divorce then if it's
really not working, and it's not any, you're not able to get to the marital happiness, variable
hoonah why Judo hoonah and then in the society in the times in the cultures that we live in
resorting to option C is going to break the marriage, there is no point of option C, when it was
done in other societies, in times, it might have saved the marriage. In some cultures, option C
		

			might have saved the marriage, but in the cultures on time, what Western cultures in particular, I'm
not speaking of any other culture, but definitely the Western culture is that we are born and raised
in option C is going to completely break the marriage is not going to flourish. So if there is no
hope from option A and B, jump over option C, and then Miss Bismillah, the marriage is not working
out, it's not obligatory, to remain married. And so Allah will take care of each one of them and
find their happiness don't know, don't prolong the marriage when it's not working out. The point
being though, that even in these three options, even in these three, you are not allowed to force
		

			intimacy on your spouse. Think about that, right? Even in these three, there is no option of forcing
intimacy, you cannot force intimacy on your spouse. Rather, you encourage you entice and you remind
and then if it gets really bad, you you know lose sleep in the living room, or you leave the bedroom
for a while. And also arbitration and other things can be done of this nature. And as well as
sisters should realize that intimacy should never be used as a weapon in an argument because that is
something that is just going to go down a very negative route. Just like the husband should never
use these ahaadeeth as a club to beat his wife would like metaphorically beat his wife would like
		

			you know, don't do this or sola is gonna crush you or whatnot. No, these are. These are meant for
women for their email and taqwa. They're meant to incite their Eman taqwa. They're meant to cause
them to fear Allah
		

			Subhana wa Tada, women are reminded that they have a wifely duty in the eyes of a law, they have a
relationship with a law for the sake of a law, they should, you know, obey this one aspect of their
husband, that's something between them and a law, if they for whatever reason, choose to not do
that. There is no forcing of this act on the wife, it is something that will be considered a harm
and a sin because you are inflicting a pain and emotional trauma on another human being, and you're
not going to ever have a marriage flourish in this manner, and you are harming another Muslim, and
you are doing something that is not allowed. And this is something that is explicit in the book in
		

			the books of our focal hub. And as I said, the Quran and Sunnah clearly indicates this, because in
all of the evidences that I just quoted you nothing even indicated, there's going to be a forcing,
the man goes to sleep angry, why would it be angry because he's not forcing himself on his wife. So
he's irritated that he didn't have * with his wife. So the man is angry, he's not forcing himself
the same with the Quranic verse, the three options are there, none of them says force yourself on
your wife try try try you. You do you do emotional tactics and verbal and whatnot. If it doesn't
work, call us Let the marriage go. And the meaning prolong wise, if doesn't work, obviously, let the
		

			marriage go and the only Bismillah you're not, you know, you don't have to prolong a very difficult
situation. What I advise the couple as well, is that once tempers, you know, calm down, they should
discuss frankly, the feelings and emotions they have and seek counseling and therapy and seek
arbitration is so useful arbitration. And I conclude with reminding them of a simple verse in the
Quran, that Allah azza wa jal promises that if the two of them want reconciliation, that Allah will
bring reconciliation about between them and so follow disperse seek reconciliation, make dua to
Allah subhana wa Taala but it is not allowed to force yourself on your partner because that is going
		

			to be sinful and harmful, and a lot of Hannah without it knows best gerakan law said I'm willing to
lie about our culture.