Yasir Qadhi – Ask Shaykh YQ #76 – I discovered my spouse had a relationship before marriage, what should I do

			The second question that we have some very difficult questions from heinola brother, ie from
Vancouver, he mentioned that he knows of a couple that was happily married for a few years. And a
few years have gone by since the marriage, then the husband discovers that his wife had some type of
an Islamic relationship, you know, with another person before marriage, you get the point what I'm
trying to say here, now, the husband is devastated and heartbroken. He doesn't know if he can
continue. And he's asking that is the marriage valid, knowing that she had a previous relationship,
and then the * has performed? And now what advice you know, would I give him?
		

			One?
		

			out of seven? Me in?
		

			No, he lay him first.
		

			So this is a very difficult emotional question. At the same time, we have to be very clear here. As
for the validity of the Nika as for the concept that the nikka was correct or incorrect, dear
brother, please don't go there at all. There is no question that the nikka was valid. Whatever sins
were done at a previous point in one's life, it doesn't affect the validity of any guy, then it got
contract has its own conditions. And as long as those conditions were met, which inshallah they were
because you were saying is, you know, you you were married for many years. So I'm assuming that
again, everything was made them out of the though the witnesses everything was done there. So, if
		

			there was a wrong relationship in the past, that has nothing to do with the validity of the niqab.
So, please don't let your bond whisper to you and make something you know, different in this regard
than it is valid. Now. The question a number of questions arise, the the one of the questions that
arises is that in hindsight, in hindsight, should a partner who has had an undisclosed relationship
and of course, you understand what I mean here, and to be explicit, because it is a sensitive
question, I mean, that a person has actually engaged in Zina and done something that is completely
beyond a major sin. Obviously, as for minor sins, these are not things that should be told to
		

			anybody, and who amongst us has not committed minor Sins of flirtation or whatnot, this is something
that you know, it is something that not to justify, but again, this is human nature, that things
happen of this of this nature and to to make this a major issue, to have feelings for somebody or
whatnot, then you this is something we should ignore completely. However, in this case, there was an
actual physical relationship with another person. And now the husband discovers this so many years
later that in the past, you know, his wife had had this type of relationship. So the question now,
in hindsight, should she have told her husband to be before the marriage or the other way around?
		

			Suppose it was the husband who had had a relationship with a lady and now he is proposing to a
sister, the sister is pious she's been you know, Mashallah protecting herself for marriage, but he
has fallen short, should he confess his sins? Should he go tell her or, again both ways gender is
irrelevant. By the way your brothers and sisters gender, in this case is irrelevant. The sin is the
sin, the sin of the man the sin of the woman, it is exactly the same, this issue of Xena is equally
reprehensible upon a man and upon a woman in this particular case, the question I'm getting has it
that the female you know how to relationship but in reality, it doesn't matter which gender had a
		

			relationship should either of these partners have confessed to the other and the response might
shock you, but in reality, we say if there has been genuine repentance, then no, you should not tell
the person necessarily it is not a requirement, but you may choose to do so you may opt to do. So,
the prerogative is up to you as the individual that if you feel that it is in your best interest to
to to inform your partner to be you may gently hint at it without being explicit and then see if
your partner wants to take that and press you further. So for example, if such a situation arises,
you may say that look, I want to be very clear here that I have done things in the past that I
		

			regret. And I asked for less forgiveness for and you can be honest to say and I would rather not say
them explicitly leave it at that. Now your partner to be says, I want to know tell me, it's up to
you. You can say I don't want to tell you and you know, it's up to you know, whether you want to
propose or not. Or you can confess and say okay, if you're insisting I want to tell you, but with
the caveat that I've repented to Allah subhanho wa Taala so
		

			The general rule dear Muslim, or Muslim, when you've committed a sin, and you've repented from that
sin, you cover it up, you don't go tell other people about it, you don't go and expose the sin to
other people, it's a private sin between you and Allah, you did something wrong, you regret it,
repent to Allah, there are certain timings where it might be beneficial to say something to
somebody, and that's your own situation, you know. So she did not necessarily do anything wrong by
not telling you of her past if she had completely repented. So whether she should have said it or
not, it's up to her and she did not do something wrong by by, by necessarily by covering it up. But
		

			she could have told you and it's a two way street, you know, the man would have also said to his
wife to be if he had done something of this nature, it is up to them. Now.
		

			Another point before I move on, is that I've said this, a lot of times when I give lectures to to
younger audiences, college aged, you know, young men and women or even teenagers these days, and
I've said to them, you know, you guys need to think long and hard about playing around about these
types of relationships, because they will come back to haunt you. It's not easy, getting married
with baggage behind you, it's not easy, it will scar you every single how long relationship that you
have every single relationship that crosses the red line. And again, there are things like to have
feelings for somebody, this is completely highlighted, if we don't act upon it to have a crush, we
		

			call the job, you know, you you imagine, I wish I could marry this person. I mean, this is human
nature, if you didn't have this, maybe something's wrong with you, that's completely valid, that's
innocent, you don't have to act upon it. You don't have to tell anybody about it. You know, to go a
little bit more than this and do minor sins, you know, this is not good and healthy. And you know,
May Allah forgive if anything like that has happened, but definitely, to cross the red line and to
actually engage in Xena Warrior to be law, you are scoring yourself, and you will have repercussions
in your own life. And I say this to every young man and young woman and everybody out there, that
		

			this is not a light matter that you are going to potentially harm the relationship that is going to
be for the father of your child with the father of your children, the mother of your children, your
life partner is going to be harmed because of what you did as a 2021 year old, 22 year old. So it's
not trivial. And save and protect yourself for your partner, it will be better for you, and it will
be better for your partner as well. And the love and the joy and the happiness that comes when two
people have protected themselves for each other, and the happiness that they discover and the joys
and the intimacy and the love that happens between two people that have discovered each other's love
		

			and not been with other partners. That is a totally separate level. And that is the Islamic goal.
That is the Islamic point of view. So my honest advice to all young men and women is that it's not
just a question of some tense, some fun, some, you know, a few weeks or even some hours that we that
we love, just fun. And that said no, it is a lifelong repercussion. And we see this in this question
here. So how long do we have here? A couple that apparently everything is going fine. Everything is
fine, you know, happy marriage, the wording used in the question is that we had a happy marriage.
And then this discovery is made. And now everything comes shattering down, save yourselves the
		

			hassle of being put in such an awkward situation. And don't do that. So that's another piece of
advice here. Now, the other advice the the brother says that, what should he do now, like he feels
as if his whole world is shattered now because obviously he feels betrayed. Now.
		

			First thing that we need to do is that nobody can make this decision other than you. It's a very
difficult decision. And really, you have to think long and hard. I ask and advise you to practice
the harp and then to ask your immediate, you know, those who know about this or if nobody else
knows, by the way, then don't tell anybody because you're your partner has done a sin that nobody
knows then it's not your job to go and expose that sin to anybody else. Anybody else. If you feel
you must, you know, get advice from one or two people whom you very much trust, try to be generic,
even if they will understand say what would you do if you found out that your spouse Don't say I
		

			found out because there is no need to expose the sins of anybody else. Now she is your wife. There
is an extra layer of protection due upon you that there is no need to go to anybody else. So my
advice is you don't even tell anybody else. But if you must get advice then speak generically and
don't speak specifically. And we all understand when you speak generically the person will
understand but you have not done specifically mentioned your wife by by name but praise the harp and
do is the Shara as I've said in many, many lectures now in the end of the day dear brother or your
sister if is another
		

			The way around because again, it's a two way street here.
		

			Nobody can force you to remain or to leave. This is a general rule. Marriage is not like a binding
contract on either party, even, you know, a man or a woman for any reason, if there's a legitimate
reason, they may work to dissolve the marriage, you know, no doubt for humanity is easier in Islamic
faith. But even in a lady can dissolve the marriage if she really wants to, she's not satisfied
completely. And she really, you know, for whatever reason, and in this case, she would have a
legitimate reason as well that if she felt betrayed or whatnot, that her husband had done this, and
she had, you know, protected herself, she would have a legitimate case to say, Look, I don't I feel
		

			uncomfortable, etc. And that's her prerogative. So nobody can force a person to remain in a
marriage, they don't want to at the same time, at the same time, you yourself have said, from your
own email, you were saying that it was a happy marriage until this discovery was made. Now, I don't
know the details, but I'm assuming that the discovery happened by accident by chance that something
must have come up. And you know, whatever it came out, it wasn't something that, you know, that was
persistent right. Now, obviously, it goes without saying, by the way, it goes without saying that if
either partner discovers that the the their partner is currently engaged in these types of things,
		

			or they have contact with a previous partner, and they're still texting and you know, doing indecent
messages and or even more than this, that is a whole different issue. And I'm not discussing that
issue at all that issue without a doubt, it is much more problematic. And the default in that case,
might be a divorce, the default might actually be a divorce in that meaning that you should think
primarily of divorce and then see why you should not divorce by conducting your confronting your
partner, and just being honest, saying, Look, I've discovered this and that so that we're not even
discussing, according to your email, it appears to me this is a past incident, it happened eight,
		

			nine years ago, now you've been married, like six, seven years, right? It happened way before the
marriage before she knew before anything, and she was involved with somebody. And now that person
has nothing to do in her life. And you've discovered this, by whatever reason, however, it was
discovered, it was discovered. Now, as I said, Nobody can force you to remain at the same time, dear
brother, you yourself have said that the marriage was good and happy. And if it is pretty clear to
you that your wife has repented, your wife has moved on, then there is no doubt that the better
thing for you is also to accept that repentance if Allah is gonna forgive her inshallah, which you
		

			will if she's renting, then why can't you and find it in your heart to move on, and to forgive and
to forget, and to cover up that is really the the better thing to do? And I'm asking you a blunt
question to your brother in Islam, that are you 100%, innocent before you accuse anybody, have you
done nothing in your life that you regret. Imagine if your wife or anybody held you to a mistake
that you did 10 years ago, imagine it for the rest of your life. Every time something happened, you
walked into the doors of a employment or whatnot, and they said, Oh, I remember that mistake you did
when you were you know, 1819 How would you feel you're gonna say, I know I made a mistake. I'm
		

			sorry, I moved on. Well, like you would like to be forgiven for a mistake. also forgive others that
are again, underline this bold, italicize it for those that are genuinely repentant. A past mistake.
Again, we are not talking about a persistent current mistake, that is something else altogether.
We're talking about something that happened a long time ago. And clearly it looks like to me that
you know, she has moved on she has repented, she's turned over a new leaf. And if she has
demonstrated that she is repentant, and she is no longer you know, you know, like this, then why go
back and bring this up you as well forgive. And also let me also tell you something, dear brother in
		

			Islam, that this incident that you've discovered, in reality, it could be something that is an
opportunity to make your marriage very, very strong, and to solidify your marriage. How so? And I
know some of you are going to be shocked How so? So Pamela, your wife, no doubt, you know, she feels
you know, guilty for what she has done. She feels vulnerable. She feels that she has committed a
mistake and she has committed a mistake. Now. What is your good response? If your response is to
accept her with her past mistakes, and to give her another chance? What you are doing is that you
are accepting her with her past mistake and you're validating you're making her feel that she has
		

			another chance and she knows she has that chance and she's inshallah not going to mess up in shallow
data. You are empowering her. You're telling her you know what, you know I'm not perfect. You're not
perfect. You know you
		

			Had a mistake and I'm sure I have some mistakes as well. Let's make this work together what you're
doing is that you will believe it or not increase the love that she has for you the respect that she
has for you, and she will insha Allah tada inshallah, I don't know, either of you. I'm just assuming
this is human psychology, every decent person will feel this way that if you give them a chance, if
they made a mistake, you give them a chance, they're going to work, double the effort, they're going
to work even harder to make sure that they don't disappoint you, it is likely that because of this,
your marriage might actually take a turn for the better because your wife now has been empowered by
		

			you. You have come to her she was vulnerable and instead of turning your back you validated you
embraced You said you know what? We made a mistake you made a mistake but let's you know be use of
here use of it his salon when he said to his brother's not that the bionic woman you're really what
the brothers of use of did to use of is worse than this, you know, relationship. They tried to
murder their brother, they threw their brother into the wall, they sold him into slavery. Can you
imagine a seven year old kid and they threw him into the work? Can you imagine that? And yet, when
the end of the story happens, what does use of say, the three by the Kuma Leone, there is no sin on
		

			you today, Allah she'll forgive you. If you can forgive his kidnappers that are his brothers, and
can forgive those who sold him into slavery. And forgive forgive those who threw him into a well
insha Allah me and you can forgive someone, you know, our partners if they have done something wrong
in a past life. It's not even right now. And again, I stress I'm not talking about right now, if
this were right now, it's a whole different scenario. And then different situations applies. But
this is something in the past. So my advice to your brother is that nobody can force you to remain.
But at the same time, I asked you to be the better person now I asked you to find it in your heart
		

			to forgive, to move on with the condition that your partner has repented. And there is no contact
with this person. Again, I stress if there has been constant contact and messages and emotional even
if it's emotional support with this person. This is a red flag. And honestly, I don't like to say
this, but in such a situation the default would be to divorce unless there is extenuating
circumstances that she or he can explain otherwise, no, the but if it's something that happened long
time ago, and there's been complete cut off and she has repented, etc, etc. Then the better thing to
do in shallow to Allah would be to forgive and to turn over a new leaf and to ask a less forgiveness
		

			for her and to show her that really you are giving her another chance and the both of you inshallah
we'll work on that. And by the way, again, I stress this question posed to me was a lady that had
done the sin. In reality, the same situation is the opposite. If the lady had discovered her husband
had a friendship in the past that cross the red lines, that relationship with a lady the same things
that I've said here would apply to her as well in this regard in this regard, the sin of either
gender is the same and the feeling of you know, pain, you know, is the same between the both of
them, so they have the option and I would recommend both partners. If they're able to forgive
		

			something of the past and move on, then they should do that and a lot subhana wa tada knows best.