Yasir Qadhi – Advice & Tips On How To Raise Children In This Land
AI: Summary ©
The importance of showing love and trust in relationships is emphasized, along with the need for equalizing gifts to ensure rights and interests for parents. The speaker emphasizes the importance of avoiding negative language and following the path of the Prophet, as well as avoiding tension and the default of the story of the brothers of "time. Consent to following the path of the Prophet is also emphasized.
AI: Summary ©
One of the most important questions that we
all get asked is
advice and tips about how to raise our
children in this land. How do we do
tarbia of our children? How do we protect
our children from the influences around? And as
I have said many times that the Quran
and sunnah did not give us detailed specifications
because this is something that changes from time
to place to culture. But we find general
guidelines. We find broad principles.
So today, insha'Allah,
we want to look at Surah Yusuf and
the story of Yusuf, because the story of
Yusuf and Surah Yusuf, it is all about
family dynamics. It's all about father and son
and siblings and drama and and and boycotting
and getting angry and doing things you shouldn't
do and reconciliation.
So today, we're gonna very quickly look at
Surah Yusuf and extract from Surah Yusuf 10
benefits, 10
tarabawi
or relationship benefits about family
relations.
How should we deal with family? And how,
especially
father son, or mother daughter, how should we
look at the benefits we can derive from
Surah Yusuf? And of course, many more can
be given, but we'll stick with 10 for
today. The first of these lessons from Surah
Yusuf,
we notice throughout the entire story
the underlying sentiment of the strong love and
the bond
between
Yaqub
and between all of his children.
There is an underlying
strong motif
that the family is held together by love.
And the father is addressing his son, You
boonay, and the son is talking to the
father, You abati. And even when the other
brothers do what they do, the father does
not expel and boycott them. There is an
entire
sentiment of love underpinning the this the family
of Yaqub alayhis salaam. And this shows us
that one of the most important
secret ingredients
to keep your family together is to demonstrate,
and to have, and to show that genuine
love,
empathy, and love will gain you more than
strictness and harshness.
So the general rule, and of course, Allah
mentions in the Quran that when it comes
to families, when it comes to spouses, which
the family begins with, Allah is the one
who has put love and tenderness between you.
So even before there are children, there is
love and tenderness. So then what's gonna happen
after the whole family should have Mawaddah and
rahma? So this is the first of the
10. The second lesson that we learn from,
the story of Yaqub and Yusuf alayhis salam
is that Yusuf
feels such a relationship with Yaqub
that he can go to his father
and confide a secret.
He can go to his father and say,
You Abati, something happened. I want you to
know about it. And so we find in
here a relationship
that has trust in it. And that is
essential
if you want your children to be able
to grow up and practice Islam.
Your children must be able to come to
you and tell you something that is troubling
them, something that is bothering them. You Yusuf
saw something. He didn't know what to do.
In our generation,
many of that generation would go to their
friends, go to social media, go to other
people, but Yusuf went to his father, which
indicates what? He had a relationship with his
father
that could allow him to confide, could allow
him to open up, and to tell him
the issues he's facing. And this is a
very, very key factor in a healthy father
son or mother daughter or even mother son
or father daughter relationship.
There must be an openness
and a trust, and that is something that
if you don't have it with your son
or daughter, then imagine
when they're in trouble, when an issue happens,
if they're not gonna come to you, who
are they gonna go to? So you have
to develop that type of relationship
that they're able to confide in you, like
Yusuf goes to his father and confides. So
this is the second point that we learn.
And of course, how you achieve that trust,
how you achieve that confidence, that is something
nobody can teach you, because it changes from
person to person. It changes from father to
son and mother to daughter, but the point
is you must put it in your mind.
You must develop that your young son or
daughter, at this stage, Yusuf is probably 8,
9 years old, and
he is able to go to other people,
but he knows he can go to his
father. How did that trust come? You have
to put it in your mind that my
son or daughter should be able to confide
in me. Because when they don't confide in
you, the brothers of Yaqoob,
the brothers of Yusuf did not confide in
Yaqoob. You see what happens. When you're gonna
go behind your father's back, then you're in
trouble, and it's a general generally a dangerous
path. But when you come to your father
or your mother, and you have that strength
and relationship,
then generally the parent will give you solid
advice. So this is second benefit we learn
from the story of Yusuf and Yaqub. The
third benefit we learn, and this is obvious
and we all understand this, is that
the importance
of not giving your children an excuse
to be jealous of another child,
the importance of the parents
not practicing favoritism.
And this is a major problem in our
culture.
Major problem in the modern Muslim culture, that
the favorite child is known to the other
siblings. In this story,
they knew Yusuf was favorite, but not because
of something tangible.
Simply, they could sense the emotion. You can't
control
and everybody knows this is the favorite one,
and all of your attention, and all of
your resources, and all of your wealth and
money, and private tuition, and best university, the
favorite one, And then the other ones you
neglect. And subhanAllah,
children are looking for such an excuse, and
it's going to be harmful and detrimental.
Oh parents, you have to make sure that
outwardly,
there is nothing that can be detected. As
for inwardly, that's between you and Allah. But
outwardly,
nothing should be able to be detected, and
especially
between sons and daughters.
Inheritance is something else. Gifts have to be
equal. Don't make qiyas of inheritance upon gifts.
If you give your son a $100 gift,
you should give your daughter a $100 gift
as well. Because equality in children
in the in this world has nothing to
do with inheritance. Inheritance is a different thing
altogether.
As for this world, then you have to
be equal. Now obviously, what you gift is
gonna be different. No problem. But the expensiveness,
the amount that you're gifting, there should be
a relative
similar. Now obviously, another issue comes. What if
one of the child is 18 and the
other is 7 years old? You cannot give
the same. Understandable.
But you have to put it in mind,
what I gave to the 18 year old.
When the 7 year old becomes 18, I
have to give something similar like that. So
you have to put this in mind so
that there's no sense of, oh, so my
brother got this, my sister got this, but
when I needed it, my parents didn't do
this. You don't realize, oh, parents, the resentment
that develops in a child's heart. And in
the story of Yaqob alayhis salaam, in fact,
that resentment wasn't even
physical,
It was emotional, and yet still they sensed
it, and that resentment developed. What if they
could pinpoint and say, look at what he's
giving to Yusuf. How much worse it would
have gotten? So point number 3, the importance
of being equal with your children in demonstrating
care, in demonstrating
tuition, in demonstrating
education,
in demonstrating
taking care of their needs. When you give
one of them a car, by the time
the other one gets to that age, that
person should also get a car, or else
they're gonna feel, hold on, this is not
fair. You as a parent have to make
sure there is equality in this regard. And
by the way, this is explicit in the
hadith of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam.
A man came, he had a favorite son,
and he gave a gift of a slave
to his son. The prophet sallallahu alaihi wa
sallam said, did you give your other children
a same gift? He goes, no, I didn't.
So the Prophet said, I cannot bear witness
to zulum. I cannot bear witness. Go away
from me. I cannot bear witness to this.
You are in my presence, I have to
speak out. I cannot bear witness that you
are mistreating the other children by preferencing 1
over the others. This is an authentic adiit
and sahibuqari. So we learned this from the
story as well. Point number 4.
Point number 4, And this is an interesting
point. It's not necessarily a positive. It's not
necessarily a negative.
Children
are generally
smarter than what we give them credit for,
and children
typically
can easily outwit their parents.
We see this in the story of Yaqub.
They knew
every point to to pinpoint.
They knew Yaqub was worried about Yusuf. They
knew Yaqub didn't like that Yusuf and his
brother are not friends together as much, so
they used that as an excuse, and they
said, dear father, you're gonna stop us from
playing with our brother Yusuf? We're gonna be
more friendly.
We're gonna be closer together. They knew their
father was worried about some problem happening. So
don't worry.
We're going to protect him. And they set
up the stage. They delayed until after Maghrib,
after sunset, so that worry begins. And they
come with the whole story concocted and prepared.
Right? And these are teenagers,
and this is the reality.
Our teenagers know social media and computers and
technology
way better than us, and we are left
in the dark, and they are already light
years ahead of us. Similarly, it's human nature
that because this child is yours, you changed
his diapers. Now when the child becomes 15
or 17, you still think that child is
a baby. No.
Learn from the story of Yaqum. Give your
children credit.
Usually,
your children know how to outwit you better
than you know, and so be a little
bit more conscious in this regard, and this
is the reality, because psychologically,
you're still looking at them as babies, but
they're not babies. They're now young men and
women, and they are far more culturally savvy,
and far more computer savvy than you are.
So keep this point in mind. We learned
it from the from the benefit of the
story of Yusuf and Yaqub. But my next
point addresses the children. You might be able
to deceive intellectually,
but you cannot deceive emotionally,
because Yaqob
knew something was wrong.
Yaqob couldn't
pinpoint,
he's trying, but he knows in his heart,
You have done something. Right? And when Binyamin
didn't come back, he said as well, you
have done the same thing you did when
Yusuf did. You're doing another makr. You're doing
another trickery. I don't know the trickery, but
I know you guys have tricked me. So,
oh, children,
don't underestimate
the intuition of your parents. Your parents might
not know the culture as well as you
do. They might not understand all of the
lingo, and you can deceive them, and you
you pretend you're going somewhere else or not,
but a mother's intuition and a father's
intuition is something that is far more powerful
than reason and logic. So be careful about
this because Yaqub saw through his children, even
though they presented all the evidence in front
of him. So this is another point that
we learn, and that is the, the the,
5th point. The 6th point that we learn
we benefit from this story, it's a very
profound one.
Wallahi, when I think about this, it's for
me, it's one of the most emotional ones.
Wallahi, honestly, it's so perplexing
in some ways.
Yaqub
knows
his own sons
have done something
to harm Yusuf.
Can you imagine
the pain the father would feel?
Yaqob knows
that
Yusuf is now lost or maybe even dead
or whatever.
And who's responsible?
The very people that are around him.
And there is tension.
You can tell in the story.
The brothers come back and they say, for
how long will you remember Yusuf? Until you
go senile? Until you go mad? Come on,
get over him. And the father says, I'm
not even talking to you. I'm not complaining
to you. I'm complaining to Allah. And Yaqub
cries and cries till he goes blind.
There's clearly tension.
How could there not be? But
he never cut them off.
He never boycotted them. He never said, get
away from me, because he hoped and hoped
and hoped he would recuperate all of them
back, and he did.
And this shows us the default.
And I know this is a sensitive topic,
but we learn from this. The default. There
are always exceptions.
May Allah protect all of us.
If a son or daughter does something wrong,
learn from this story.
We have again this cultural issue. I'm not
gonna talk to you again. Khalas don't come
to this house.
Whatever your child has done,
insha Allah guaranteed
he didn't abduct another child and sell him
into slavery.
Okay?
Whatever your child has done, he didn't tie
his hands and throw him into a well,
and then when a caravan came, sold him
for a few measly tirhams, come on, calm
down. Whatever your son or daughter has done,
it is not worse than what the brothers
of Yusuf did to Yusuf. And yet, the
Prophet Yaqub,
the Prophet Yaqub,
knowing his children have done something, and there
is tension. You're not gonna ignore it. There
is tension, but he realizes,
I have to keep these children
because I want them to come back. I
want them to repent. I want them to
be guided. And did they not repent in
the end of the story? So the default,
and I stand by what I say. Yes,
there might be exceptions here and there, but
the default, O Muslim parent, if your son
or daughter goes down the path of ignorance,
the path of darkness, the path of sin,
the path of evil,
the default, you don't cut off from them.
There should be some tawluk and relationship. There
should be some presence in their life because
you want them to come back like Yaqub
wanted his children to come back. So this
is the, 6th, point that we learn. The
7th point that we learn, and it goes
back to, the second point, but again, I
wanna develop it, and and to make it
underscore
it more more explicitly,
is that we learn from the story that
jealousy
jealousy
is much easier
amongst blood relatives than amongst strangers,
and jealousy
becomes more powerful
amongst family than amongst strangers.
We learned this from the story of Yusuf
and his brothers. Who amongst you is burning
with jealousy because of Bill Gates and his
billions?
Nobody.
Because of any multi billionaire. But, no, it's
there. But may Allah protect us if your
cousin becomes a multimillionaire.
Shaitan's gonna come to you. Who is he
to become like this?
If your brother, your sister. So be extra
careful with family,
because family is where jealousy becomes exponential.
Ironically, it is what it is, siblings, especially
brothers and sisters.
So learn from the story of Yusuf, and
be on extra guard, extra precaution, because our
Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam said, I warn you
of being jealous, because jealousy
destroys
your good deeds like a fire destroys twigs
and branches. Jealousy in your heart will make
you a bad person. You will act in
an evil manner. You will do something haram.
You won't even realize it's haram. It was
jealousy
that caused the brothers of Yusuf to go
so depraved, they literally took a 7 year
old, tied him up, threw him in a
well, sold him into slavery. Their own blood
brothers, they became blinded with jealousy. You don't
wanna be like the brothers of Yusuf. In
order to not be like that, you have
to monitor your heart, especially
with your family.
Most importantly, with your siblings and your cousins
and your extended family, have a pure heart
and follow Yusuf, who had a pure heart,
and don't follow the brothers of Yusuf. We
learn from this story that jealousy within family,
it catches on very quickly, and it becomes
very powerful very quickly. And
you have to be extra careful for within
family. So this is point number 7. Point
number 8, we learned from this story
that you will only keep a family together
if you are on the forgiving end.
The story has constant forgiveness in it.
Family is family. And if they come to
you and they apologize, then immediately forgive. The
brothers apologize to Yusuf, and they say, wainkunna
lakhatayeen,
that Allah chose you over us. You are
better than us. And Yusuf said, latathreebaalaykum
yawm yafirullah hulakum. There is no blame on
you today. Allah shall forgive you. The brothers
go back and they beg their father, halleluya
abana astaghfirnaduma
innakunakhhateen
kala sofa astaghfirluqmrabi.
Oh, our fathers, please forgive us. We made
a mistake. Immediately, Yaqob says, I will ask
Allah to forgive you. Immediately,
Yusuf and Yaqob,
immediately
forgive, forgive, forgive. So be like Yusuf, be
like Yaqub. Yes, your family is gonna hurt
you. Yes, your brother and sister is gonna
say nasty things. Yes, wallahi, your immediate family
is gonna cause the most pain, but you
wanna be like Yusuf and Yaqob, and forgive
as much as you can so that you
become the better person. Our Prophet sallallahu alaihi
wa sallam said, know that the one who
forgives, Allah increases him in honor. The one
who forgives your Izzah is increased up. So
follow the path of Yusuf, and follow the
path of the father of Yusuf in forgiving
those that have harmed you. The 9th lesson
that we learned is one of the easiest
ways to console your anger
is what Yusuf says. His brothers sold him
into slavery, and when they come and they
apologize,
subhanAllah, this is amazing.
Yusuf does not blame the brothers.
Yusuf blames shaitan.
Mimbaadi an nazarash shaitaanubayni
wa bayna ikhwati.
And by blaming shaitaan,
it becomes so much easier to forgive your
siblings and those around you. Realize,
shaitan
wants nothing more than to see your family
break apart. This is one of the goals
of shaitan. He wants to shatter the family
unit. He wants to make brother hate brother,
sister hate sister, father and mother have a
fight between the children. Shaitan loves this. We
know shaitan loves this. So when you see
such a problem in your own family,
rather than immediately blame your family,
follow Yusuf
and say,
shaytan did this.
Shaitaan did this. Now you realize it. Let's
come back together and kick shaitan out of
the picture. Mimbaadi an nazarash shaitanu
bayni wa bayna ikhwati.
Yusuf did not even blame his brothers.
He blamed shaitan,
even though it wasn't shaitan that tied him
up. It wasn't shaitan that sold him into
slavery. It was his brothers. So we learn
a tactic from Surah Yusuf, and that is
realize
anytime something like this happens, in your heart
say, my uncle is saying this, my aunt
is saying this, my cousin is saying this.
It's not them. They're good people. This is
shaitan putting waswasa into them. Shaitan attempting to
do this. And actually, this is not imaginary.
It is true and it is real. Shaitan,
as our prophet salallahu alaihi wa sallam said,
one of the biggest goals of shaitan is
to destroy the family, and we learned this
from the story. The 10th and final point,
and again, much more can be said, but
because of time. The 10th and final point.
In all of this, one thing stands out
more than anything else, and that is,
Yaqoobs,
Akhlaq, and Iman.
Yaqobs,
sabr, and tawakkul
eventually
translated into all of his children following his
path.
You want your children to be pious?
You must begin with yourself.
You want your children to love Allah and
His Messenger?
Look at yourself before you look at them.
Look at your own akhlaq.
Look at your own manners. Look at your
own ibadah.
Yaqob is the role model here. And eventually
all of his children
followed his path.
This is the number one mechanism
to preserve Islam and iman, and to preserve
the love of Allah amongst your children.
It's not by admonishing.
It's not by rebuking, it's not by raising
your voice and putting punishments. No.
The number one mechanism,
example.
Lead by example.
You become the person you want your son
or daughter to be. And we see in
the story of Yaqub that, in fact, in
his case, all the time and anecdotally, the
majority of the time, the majority of the
time, the children will follow the path of
the parents. And that's exactly what Allah says.
Pure soil and land gives pure fruits, and
evil soil and land gives evil fruits. When
the soil is pure, when the when the
seed is pure, what's gonna happen? Pure fruit
is gonna come. So you
concentrate
more on yourself than on your child,
and I know that's difficult. You concentrate more
on your own relationship with your spouse than
your own child, because when the child sees
you and your spouse, the mother and father,
the child sees the love and the care,
the child sees the akhlaq and the ibadah,
this will automatically
be absorbed into his or her life, and
we learned this from the story of Yaqub
alayhis salam. May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala allow
us to continue to benefit from the story
and allow us to have strong and united
families. May Allah protect our children and their
children after them. May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
allow iman to remain firm in their hearts
until their progeny till the day of judgment.