Yaser Birjas – When Love is Found at Home
AI: Summary ©
The conversation discusses the struggles of men in relationships and their families, emphasizing the importance of perfect marriage and family life. The "married love" concept is emphasized, along with the need for love and respect in achieving happiness. The "married love" concept is also discussed, with small changes made by parents leading to avoiding damaging their children by waiting until they are ready for marriage.
AI: Summary ©
Okay.
Salam aleikum to lavaca
handler bellami sallallahu wasallam Baraka Nabina Muhammad Allah Allah wa salatu salam, ala Sleeman kathira from Ahmedabad.
Before we discuss our topic for tonight, which is
when you find love at home, I just want to address the situation that happened
this Friday in New Zealand melas panna cotta, Allah have mercy on those who lost their lives during Salatu. Juma and milazzo. Virgil, accept them as Shahada and martyrs. May Allah Subhana that Miriam degenerated for those that are out of balance. I mean, there is no doubt it's how there's so much we could learn from this experience. The fact that it's it's a house of worship, the fact that it's a targeting the Muslim community. And we're not just single out this is just a series of many, many other events happen in the past few months. So I don't want them to people to think this is just you know, against the Muslims, when it comes to hate, hate doesn't recognize any faith, any color, any
ethnicity, nationality, nothing. It just makes everything flat. Hate is hate isn't evil, the way it is. I mentioned that in the hood. But today, I want to repeat that, once again, that this is supposed to unite us all together and shout out to Barack Obama. I don't want anyone to try to take you know, a political point on the incidents that happened there in New Zealand, it's for all of us to make dua for them and shout louder Allah for the community, unite our efforts to create a better environment for all of us. So once again, we ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to forgive those who lost their life they are obliged. I mean, ask Allah Subhana to elevate their status and ask Allah subhana
wa Taala to bring them in and for those that Allah Your Beloved, so Bismillah today, inshallah Allah we have a very special topic, when love is found at home. So let me ask a question before we begin with the subject to shallow data. How many of you are living Alhamdulillah a perfect family and the perfect marriage or life, raise your hand.
If you have a perfect marriage, perfect family life, raise your hand.
Because if you raise your hand, you're in the wrong place.
So when it comes to when it comes to family life, I suppose it's a it's a journey training on the job. You can never reach that level of perfection. Why because it's phase after phase after phase after phase, which means you're going to keep growing into the relationship in the light of our khattala. But love is very important is one of those important ingredients in relationship to make it successful, and make it in shallow data going, you know better but the question is, why do people struggle in their marital life? Why do people struggle and their family life? Not whether you're married or not? You have some struggle with your parents, with your siblings, probably, if you're
married handler with your spouse, and your children, you have some struggle. Now the question is why do we have these issues? Can anyone give me a guess?
Yes.
Because we're human beings, right? But why do you have troubles?
Okay, uh huh. So what do you think? What's the problem?
Which is?
So that's part of the test, right? So we struggle because part of the test system is what do you guys think? Yes.
communication problem, right. That's one way of looking at it. Uh, huh.
high expectations we expect a lot from each other. So
control when communication fails people to go try to control but there is one thing one thing that makes us all struggle, struggle as we tried to live our family life or marital life. What would that be?
Okay.
We're all we all right, but there is one thing that makes us all struggle. Yes. Finances? No, not necessarily. Some people are good wherever available for them.
different interests, okay.
Expect what what is the problem with expectations? What is the problem with that and I agree with you, it has to do with expense
dictation but what is the problem with expectations? Hmm?
vulnerabilities, they will just say, Okay, what is the problem with expectations? Your mom? Here's the answer to this. Why do people struggle whether it's one of the subject read to marriage, family life, my brothers and sisters, community, business, finances, all the stuff? Why do we struggle to have all these problems? Because we all strive to achieve one thing that is unachievable in this world. What is it?
Thank you.
Perfection. We trying to reach perfection. Okay, how do we try to reach perfection?
What are you trying to achieve?
When it comes to perfection? How are we trying to achieve perfection we're trying to look for? You know, when you go to work, what are you looking for? What do you try to raise children? What are you looking for when you get married? What are you looking for? When you want to have some private time with your spouse? what exactly you're looking for all of that we're looking for one thing, what is it? Happiness, okay, we'll talk about it.
Okay.
So you're telling me that I shouldn't be expecting satisfaction with my spouse, our delegate that to Allah azza wa jal,
but as the president right now, but if there is anything we are looking for, as we try to strive for perfection or live, we're looking for certainty.
We always look for certainty, you go to work, because you want to make you want to be sure that you have enough to survive for the next 10 years, probably, you get married, because you want to know that, you know, I'm gonna find my, you know, my spouse and start a family and do this and move forward in life and so on. When people do get married, and they start having issues, they, they start to communicate with communications failing, they start freaking out Why? Because the certainty of success is now fading away from them. So that's why everybody's looking for perfection, because it bring them certainty. But here's one secret about it. A lot of answers in the Quran, y will drop
back a hottie kuryakyn and you worship your Lord until you meet your certainty. What is the certainty or loss of habitat speaking about in this ayah? What do you guys think? death? But until then, what are you going to be dealing with?
uncertainty, so stop trying to achieve the impossible.
Perfection is not part of this world. It's part of the hereafter. So from this, let's talk about how can we bring live love in our life? And what does it mean to bring love into our life in shallow tobacco down into our homes, I'm going to share with you 10 points, I want to share with you 10 points related to the subject of love, whether it's between a husband, wife, between siblings, between parents and their children, and so on. So 10 points are hopefully will bring love home to you. Number one, when it comes to love. We need to learn what is the nature of love, they say, if there is one thing in this world, they say there is one thing in this world that causes nonsense to
make sense. What would it be a Gemma
should figure it out by now. If there is one thing in this world that causes nonsense to make all sense, what would it be love, because when you're in love, the impossible becomes possible. The right becomes wrong and the wrong becomes right. The green becomes red and the red becomes yellow. I don't know. The thing is that when you're a love, you're willing to believe everything just because your love, which means might not be the rational, right? I know some people might feel disappointed with that. But here's the thing about love. Yes, it's meant to be that way. Otherwise, otherwise, if people know for sure, every step on the way, guess what? No one take a move forward. See part of
actually the part of the journey of love. It's the uncertainty, the thrill of it, the thrill. And that's why every meeting every moment is actually very thrilling because now what you're expecting something fresh, something new, something that's something that and that's when people get married after a few years, what happens becomes boring, man.
Everything becomes predictable. So that's why you need to refresh it over and over again over and over again. We're going to talk about some shallow data. But the point is, we need to learn to keep it you know, alive, refreshing it. So if there is anything in this world that causes nonsense to make sense is actually love. Therefore, no matter how much you think that you understand it, you know what, it's still a secret. Which brings me to point number two. When it comes to love. They say that love is a mystery, but marriage is not. Is that clear? Love is amazing.
But marriage does not. Let me give an example here who can explain to me what love is a Gemma.
Okay, who can explain to me what marriage is?
Wow.
Let me ask another question How many of you are married? Raise your hand if you're married.
Until now we're gonna figure it out.
Right? So when it comes to love, it's a mystery. But marriage is not when it comes to love. People explain love as a personal experience. And this is how love is like a spiritual experience. You know, when people go to Hajj, and they come back, and you ask them, How was it? What do they say to you?
Most people go to Hajj when you ask them how it was, especially the first time when they are when you ask them, How was it? What did they tell you? Like, I can describe this for you by words, you have to go yourself, when it comes to love. Those are first the first time before the love and the second time and the third time and the 10th time every time you ask them. How was it? I can describe this to you by word, you have to fall in love yourself. Somehow it comes to love. It's a mystery. No one can explain what is it doing? Because it's a personal experience like spirituality. Once again, it's a very personal experience. But marriage is not. It's like math, one plus one equals two.
or physics, one plus one equals two, right? again. But really, it's like, it's like it's predictable. There are certain rules which serve to rule we call them the rules or the physics of marriage, the quantum dynamics of marriage, when you throw something up, what happens to religion
comes down, right? If you throw a ball against the wall, what happens to it, it bounces back. That's these are the natural rules of physics. There are lots of hurricanes, this one this universe, marriage has also rules. I didn't put these rules. Don't take me Don't blame me for him.
I didn't put these rules out there. But I discovered them. I started them just like math and physics when you learn math and geometry. And so we create beautiful things technology. But if we know now the rules of marriage, and we try to play the marriage the way we want it to be like if you're not a one plus one equals two, and you insist trying to make it three in your own way, because you don't like it to be one plus one equals two, then try it and see what happens with you, you're gonna mess it up completely. So we need to understand when it comes to marriage and love, love is a mystery. Marriage is not. I cannot describe love to you, you have to experience it. But marriage, I can
explain it to you.
There is always rules. These rules, you might say they're not fair. No one says it's fair. But you know what, these are the rules that we have to apply. And we have to understand them you play by play by the rules, you will have joy and happiness, you try to go against these rules. Good luck with that. Number three.
And by the way, just to give an idea how interesting love versus marriages, let's talk about love for a second over here. Now, once again, those who are married, raise your hands if you're married, similar.
Okay, put your hands down because I don't wanna embarrass anybody right now.
Don't answer the question. All right. Just keep it for yourself. How many of those who raise their hands are married to their first love in their life? Don't raise your hands. Okay.
Otherwise we're gonna get into troubles. But seriously, how many people you know how many people you know, in their real life, they're married to their first love.
Statistically speaking, they say that about one to 2% that's all one or 2% Why so because what was your first love is your mom.
Your first love was most likely on TV, right?
Like fall in love with an actress or actor, for instance, or your first real love probably was, you know, the girl across the street in the neighborhood. Or the boy in the you know, the Islamic school, the next door, the next class over there, or in Sunday school. These are called you called crush right? That's a form of love. However, people they fall in love and out of love and love out of love. And then at some point they decide to get married and then guess what happens upon Allah. Wow, they experience love again.
Maybe this person wasn't their first love, but it still can be experienced. And that's a secret about it. It's I don't know how it works. But Allah subhana wa Tada. It amazingly worked out that way. Which brings us to point number three. It's the last design. This is the last design. The last part says the sort of the room. Woman is he and Haleakala coming on Phu Kham as the Tuscan Villa, and among His Signs is this that he had created for you for yourself as much, which means your partner's your spouse, liters coo Li so that you might find peace and tranquility with them.
Did you guys hear that?
Allah said he created your spouse for us, you might find peace and tranquility with them. Whenever bring this ayah to people and I mentioned this statement to them, people, those who met they look at me goes like, Are you kidding me?
Like, where's that peace and joy? What are you talking about? I'm already married. I'm looking for it. Right? Well, here's the thing. Allah says, I'll give you peace and tranquility. But there are conditions he says, well, Jalla binaca mata Rama, and he plays between your hearts love and mercy. The two most important ingredients to have a successful marriage and a successful relationship, love and mercy, passion and compassion, my word data, Rama, you see some people, when they get married, or they want to start a relationship, they wanted to have it fully based on passion. Like if there is no passion, there is no meaning to this relationship, which is why a lot of people they oppose
what people call it arranged marriage. Now against I'm against energy magic was forceful, and people have no choice in saying yes or no into this relationship. But it was a matter of, you know, matching people like hey, we have this person for you. What do you think I'm just like, whatever you trust them to smell us go for it. Now that's okay. That's still okay. But once again, Allah subhanho wa Taala. He told us that you know, to most ingredients right now that we have.
So we have the love again, we have the passion, and compassion, love and mercy. Some people they want to get married, they want to look experienced passion, but that passion can be actually without compassion at all will be brutal. Love that is brutal, really. And that's why Buddha sometime they say I'm suffocating in this relationship. Why? Because there is obsession. And this obsession of love other people is completely the opposite. They don't have passion at all, but have so much compassion. What does that mean? means they're in the relationship Disability Law, that's all.
So you ask her why is still sticking around with this guy. After all what you said about him, she goes, Well, I feel sorry for him. He's so clumsy for living, he's not gonna survive. And today, I want to ask the guy Why are still in this relationship after what you've been saying about your spouse, he would say just for the kids.
So family is now running on fumes of compassion. But there is no fuel of passion at all. And the loss of happiness is enough. He Delica telecommuter for karoon. Indeed, there are signs in there for those who reflect. Now here's the interesting thing about this ayah Allah azza wa jal mentioned, this is sort of the room in the context of speaking about magnificent creations such as the heavens and the earth, of the creation of man from Earth from dirt, and then the thunder and the rain and the sky, and this and that, and the middle, he says, I create man and woman.
And an addition to that, it's the only the only verse in this context that begins by saying there are signs in here, and concludes by saying there are signs in here, which means a loss making this miracle at the beginning and at the end, which is actually if you look at it really seriously, if you look at it from a very, very objective and perspective, it's a miracle, complete, perfect strangers, perfect strangers completely, even if they were cousins, by the way, they're still strangers, and in a sense, but then these people when they bit when they're very strange, strange to each other still, when they get married, they are willing right now, to accept this person as the
most intimate partner for themselves. Like they're willing to bring to put themselves in full vulnerability for them. You know, you become vulnerable when you get married, because you know, you're physically vulnerable, emotionally, spiritually, all of that. And the more you accept and submit to each other, and that vulnerability, the more beautiful it is, but the more you resist, the harder it gets to have that harmony and peace with each other. So remember, these two important ingredients? What are the most important ingredients in relationship? What are they remember them? Love and hate? Right?
So what is it then? Love and Mercy, love and mercy or passion and compassion? It's not enough to love your spouse should have mercy on them. And it's not enough to do it VESA vilella should have some also personal interest in them. Otherwise, if you don't have these two things, then you're not going to have that promise from Allah azza wa jal to give you what? peace and tranquility work on it. Is it something we could learn? Absolutely. We're going to talk about this morning shout louder. Number four. When it comes to love, is it halal or haram? What do you guys think?
How many of you say love is haram? Raise your hand if you say love is haram.
anyone says hello.
Okay. How many of you say love is Helen, raise your hand
What are the other ones?
This is what you told me right?
So is love halal or haram?
Is it
there you go? That's a good question here what kind of love we're talking about? What do you ask the question is a very vague question ambiguous question. So when they say haram or halal just like Hey, wait a second, what are you talking about here? You see him everyone has him on him out loud on one of his beautiful books.
Total hammering of the dove, he said,
when it comes to love Shem it comes to love, you cannot say is halal or haram. Because it's in the heart and the hearts and the hand of Allah subhanho wa Taala. But the answer to this as well, he says, what you could call halal and haram or right and wrong is what the actions people take as a result of these emotions.
Sometimes people fall in love, you know, accidentally, is it possible? Is humanity possible? It's possible they call it love at first sight, right? So it can be accidental. And this is like, Oh my god, I think I'm gonna love. How did you know that? I don't know my temperature.
It's getting hot over here. Right? So holla. So eventually, yeah, somebody was accidental. But then some other people experienced love differently. Like they they get married to somebody that they haven't seen before. And Subhanallah at some point later in their life is like, I can't you know, separate from my spouse. I remember one time, I gave a talk on love. And then one brother came to me that was four years back. So right now maybe about 17 years. He goes, Chef, you know, you talked about love. And this and I want you to know that when I got married is when I got married. I got married through arranged marriage, I haven't seen my wife, you know that time until we got married
together. And we'd be married at the time. They were 13 years when they were married. He said we're married with for the past 13 years. We have three kids that handle a lot of blood. I mean, he goes, I can't even imagine a day without my wife. And I said as I calaca my love list. Imagine your family he says I just want you to share my story with people to let them know that it's possible.
Even if you don't know the person, but somehow you can build that love. And I know other people who've been dating halaal during for four years without explaining what it is but to venture to holiday for four years. Four years during college as a mom, they were dating like they call us Brother Mohammed for Irish and Ayesha Mohammed. But then the moment they got married, it didn't even last six months.
So what happened to that love for the past four years.
So when it comes again to love and marriage, remember, love is mystery, but marriage is not. And the last panel data, put the two ingredients for us love and mercy. On the same time we understand that it's helpful for you to fall in love with your spouse, what are we getting that from? You see Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam one day he was asked during the public colors a blah blah
blah he said color rasulillah men have been nasty like who's the most beloved person to you? Let me put the story for you in context okay. So understand where is this coming from? Imran Alas, was one of the Sahaba of the allowed Ron who's who embraced Islam late in his life. Like he came to Islam when it's seven, his three year seven which means right one year right before the conquest of Mecca. What was he doing in the past two years, he was fighting against the prophets of Allah Salah he was there against him and better and or hurt in conduct. He was there even standing against him and the Sahaba as he came to do aamra you know, the 600 year he was out there stopping them from coming to
Mecca. But after the treaty for davia, he kind of like something and been pondering himself and hadn't rallied. Then he became Muslim. He came to the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he gave his pledge. And then the Prophet sallallahu wasallam assigned him right away to lead a military expedition. Why so? Because he knew um, Ross was a general
and he's a brilliant military man. So what is where do we fit him in the military? So he gave him an expedition in which there were many people who were Muslims way before Imam Ross. Some people obviously they didn't like his leadership because why is he the leader? I mean, we have XYZ Muslim five years, 10 years this year and he is just became Muslim right now. The problem doesn't discriminate your Muslim colors we're done. We don't care about your past hamdulillah we move on. Let's move forward from there. So some people will kind of arguing about his leadership when he came back. He wanted just to finish this once and for all. So he asked the people he asked the people,
the professors and in public like why would the private select me above all of you who chose jasola? Tell them please, who was the most beloved person to you?
And the professor says I
like to speak about his wife is Ayesha amor was shocked is another minute or so not I'm not talking about this. Now I'm talking about men men who is the most beloved to he goes her father.
Some holla amor asked you questions his name didn't come in the list. He stopped asking the questions. You see we learn about the process or some something very interesting and unique.
When the professor of law Sam speaks to people and deals with people Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, he gives him his full attention that everybody felt he was a special person to the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. That's how we deal with people. We've talked about on the hobo Juma today that you know what the professor said was a people's person. He was a people's person, which means he just loves people genuinely, he loves he cared about people. So lalala was Allah. And that's why his relationship was amazing with everybody. Everybody thought the prophet SAW Allah prefer them over everybody else. So he would show the love and he never, he never hide salami never actually hid his
love for Ayesha. He even pronounced it publicly when he was asked, Who was the most beloved to you? And he said, I should be allowed Ilana. Okay, so even the Messenger of Allah the most righteous, fell in love. Wow. Religious people can also fall in love. Did you guys believe that? Like with this big beard machine comm you can fall in love. Yeah, what's wrong with that? Well, no matter how big your beard is, how fluffy your hijab is, it doesn't matter what comes to love. These are human feelings and sentiments. If you've been blessed with that, enjoy it to the maximum.
If you've been blessed with that, enjoy that love to the maximum in the most of course, halal way possible. Number five. Okay, so I understand this point right now. But what is the problem that Why? I thought I loved my husband when I married him. I thought I loved my wife when I married her. So
what's going on here? Why are we having a problem with this issue these days? So here's some false things or false, our se portrayals on perception of love. I want to share a few things with you and show number one, one of these false perceptions of love, love and images. When people want to get married, what is the first thing they look for in a spouse or drama? What is it?
You know, some guys they come to me and they say, can you please help me find someone for me? And I said, Of course Absolutely. What are you looking for? He was I'm looking for someone who's very religious. Mashallah. I said no, tell me the truth we're looking for.
He says, You know, I said, No, I don't tell me. So ago someone beautiful said okay, even with that, tell me what does it mean exactly. Define beauty for me? What is it? What's your standard? Somehow even with this, we have different standards. The point is, when it comes to love, and beauty people associate love with beauty. As a matter of fact, all the interesting kids stories that we learned about when we were kids, you know, the bedtime stories for children, all these, you know, Pika as they call them and Arabic and they all have the exact same standard. Like you see somebody and then what happens? You fall in love with it, like the pregnancy is a little girl who just falls in love
with her just Mashallah they get married and lived happily ever after. Like one of the most ridiculous stories I've ever actually read in my life journey. But it was sweet, though, is that there was this little girl she was born in a family and then a vulture cam snatched that little girl and her from her crib and flew all the way away into the mountains and that girl she grew up in the vultures nest for maybe, I don't know, 15 years, more or less, probably. So can you imagine she grew up in the vultures nest all these years. And then one day there was a prince who was going on a hunting trip. And he came by that mountain. He hears a voice he looks up he sees the most beautiful
face ever in his life. How are you kidding me?
A girl living in the mountains. The vultures nest for 15 years? How would she look like a drama?
How would she look like? Forget about that? What kind of language speaks
but suddenly he felt a love with her. And he couldn't resist that when he went back home. He couldn't eat his father saw that the king and he goes What's going on? I said that I've sold the most beautiful girl in my life. I want to marry her. And his father he launches into our army to go and look for her final handler they found her
and they brought her down. Probably I don't know if she resisted or not. But if he brought her down, then Mashallah they washed her off in all that stuff on her offer, and then they get married and they lived happily ever after. Do you guys believe this story? Because I know when you listen to just like, Oh, this is so cute. But that doesn't happen in real life or Gemma. Really? So what does that mean? When it comes to image and love? We have a sense of association between the image of love in our life but the question is why do people associate love with beauty? What do you guys think? What's the reason for that?
natural attraction but why do you associate images or the beauty with love?
So when you love somebody certain beautiful and if you hate them a certain moment, you see them ugly.
They're still beautiful.
Emotion emotions Okay, there's something else
What does beauty give us a sense of what what do we think about someone beautiful? I wish it was happiness.
But it's true we think of it as bringing us happiness but what is it then reality?
The problem with that is Yes, sir again. Excitement there is something else that makes people actually attracted to the beautiful image they say that the reason why people associate love with beauty because beauty in our mind as a sign of what
perfection you don't want to see a nice building What do you call What do you say when you see a nice new amazing Bell? What do you call it? Wow, beautiful you see a piece of piece of junk a car running around on the street and we look at what do you say? Wow, beautiful, right? Why do we just beautiful to describe something you know that is maybe not so beautiful. We were at perfection. So if the guy is handsome What does that mean? Mashallah. He's perfect. He's perfect. Hello? He doesn't speak English. Like who cares? I love him. Right? He's beautiful. Same thing with a girl. You know the guy says a beautiful girl that said she's the one How do you know that? She's beautiful. So what
she must be perfect. But yeah, I mean, look at this. Look at that. No one cares, because we associate perfection with beauty where this is coming from anyway. If it hasn't Rahim, Allah says it's coming from the Quran, where Allah subhanaw taala from the favelas referred to it in the Quran, saying and sort of the team
level incentive fee as an attack when which means Allah has created man in the best image, the most perfect image. Now the ultimate they argue who is most beautiful man ever created? Was it useful for other multicasting?
Use of right? Someone might say no, it's Adam. Because Allah said, Adam was the most beautiful. Okay, so what about use of use of had actually half of the beauty of Adam, that's what they say, eventually allocate as imperfect. And the most beautiful image in our perception, beauty also brings perfection to the relationship. Forget about that. Now, it's not an analysis. So what does it What does beauty then should mean to us? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You see something beautiful, you decide something beautiful wildlife becomes beautiful in every aspect of your life. That's it, no matter what, you know, you know, parents when they have little kids, whatever their
kids Drow. How do they describe that image? Oh, my God, beautiful. And guess what? They post this. And if we're in a frame, and they put the date on it, probably and then we put it maybe in a gallery somewhere to sell it for a million dollars. Why? Because in their mind is my kids drawing so it must be perfect, right? So because we love them so much. So that's why people associate love with beauty. That's a false perception. Remember that love is in the eye of the beholder. You decide this is this person is beautiful for me. There are flowers are beautiful for me, then that's it. They're beautiful no matter what. The second thing that people have as a wrong perception of love, is that
when it comes to loving each other, we have to match in almost everything. Like Listen, I love to watch football games, then my wife needs to watch football games with me. No, she doesn't. Yeah, well, I love go shopping for example. So to me instead of stereotypically, anybody, you know, I like to go shopping so my husband has to love shopping with me Who cares? does not necessarily have to match you in everything. Just because we get married. We doesn't have to dissolve our entity into this relationship. We share a lot together. But I still have my personal interest. I still have my personal interest to see the Prophet sallallahu Sallam he loved to do the hedges on Korea Malaysia
Gemma a lot. Right? every single night. Find me one single Hadith. Finally one single Hadith, where when the Prophet sallallahu wasallam was up doing tahajjud he was praying with him.
Finally, one single Hadith
would actually be when his brain
sleeping and his dibbler
and he would even poke her leg just you know, to pull her feet back to give him a space for us to shoot. So Allah was
born when the prophet SAW Sam passed away, she dedicated herself for abandoned worship. So what was she doing when she was bested in is that she was the most beloved to him no matter what his interest was in revert and this and that, but she wasn't in that much and she wasn't even a good cook.
That's what she said about herself. She said, You know what, I wasn't a bit of a cook Really? I mean hafsa was better cook than I am. So she admitted that. She said that sometimes. Even when the when the servant was asked about Ayesha, you know, she said, You know what else Allah Allah, she's she's amazing. The only thing I bothers me about her is that sometimes I leave her to take care of the dough and then she goes to sleep and the goat comes in is like there is no bread for us anymore.
So that's that's how she, you know, forgetful sometimes and so on. Still, the professor loved her so much. Remember, you don't have to match interest with each and everything. One last thing about false perception of love. Many people think that once you love somebody that love is for what the drama for eternity until the day of judgment, and that's why they always wish that they're going to get married in general. And that's when the spouses are like, rolling their eyes.
Like it's a it's a it's a eternity and forever. You know what love doesn't have to always be there forever. However,
the actions of love should continue no matter what
you might not, you know, reach that level of love for each other, but still, you need to continue showing the actions of love. You know,
the actions of just like brutal validation, Allah subhanho wa Taala did not ask us in the Quran to love our parents, he he ordered us to do what a jamaa sang, and barrel Walden being beautiful to your parents. Now, part of being beautiful to parents is to love them, though. But he didn't say to love your parents. Why? Because sometimes we have very tough relationship with our parents, right? I don't know my parents, maybe, right. But you still you've been ordered to show them the actions of love.
With being nice to them, kind to them beautiful to them, no matter what sometimes in relationship, you might not love your spouse the way you want. But you're going to have to act the actions of love as well. Number six, when it comes to the actions of love that brings us home, bring it home and share with us his marriage and happiness. How many of you guys got married to be happy? Raise your hand.
Okay.
You guys get married to be happy?
Shall I give you the bad news or the good news?
There's no good news. The bad news here. As you know, here's the thing about marriage and happiness.
Marriage does not are not supposed to bring you happiness.
I repeat, marriage does not make you happy. So what does it make you responsible? Happiness is your personal business. You can be happy single all your life. You can be happy, you know, married all your life, but my marriage is not that perfect, who cares? You can still be happy. happiness in itself. Why why people are struggling with happiness in marriage, because people they make happiness as a goal they're struggling to achieve. When in reality, you cannot put happiness as a goal. If you put happiness as a goal in the relationship, you will never be able to achieve it. Why? Here's the thing.
If this is your goal to be happy, right? Like you set a goal said if I can get here, I'll be the happiest person on earth. So what happens? You struggle and fight for the struggle and fires? Until you get here? How do you feel? Happy? Right? Then, after some time, when you're here, happy here. After some time, what do you see up here?
What do you see? happier?
So if you can be happier, what's wrong with happy? Oh my God, that's miserable now, and then you start right to be happier. You keep struggling again until you become happier, the moment you become happier, what do you see up here? Oh god, there's even a higher level so suddenly become miserable. You see, whenever you put happiness as a goal, it becomes a mirage, you will never be able to capture it. And it's gone going to be very stressful, I'm telling you from now. So what's what's happiness, then? Happiness is not a goal to achieve. It's a reward you receive.
Receiving For what? For achieving contentment. The more content you are, the happier you become. And when it comes to happiness in relationship, it's not really I know many people, they put their happiness dependent on their spouse. But actually, happiness is an individual thing. You can be happy in the most difficult situations in your life, and you're still smiling. Why? Because it's in the heart. I've seen people have seen kids, you know, in refugee camps, and they have big smile like I would pay millions of dollars to get it. And I've seen kids living here in America, and they come for counseling when they're still 12 and 13 years old. They're an item represent this depression
already acted upon Allah. Why? Because they're not happy or they have.
It doesn't bring them that sense of contentment. Same thing with marriage. If you cannot be individually happy, you cannot make someone else happy.
If you cannot be individually happy, you cannot make someone else happy. So work on your happiness in a way that is meaningful to you, but it's still reasonable and a healthy
And then you will see once you get there with the content Mashallah you will enjoy every moment of your life.
Number seven
love in order to achieve that sense of happiness, you have to understand that love is not a noun. It's a verb. And when you say it's a variable doesn't mean it's an action. It's an action. You see a lot of people when they talk about love, they think of it as a sentiment, which is static. It's whether there or not there anymore. So whether you have love, or you don't have it at all, who said that? Who made this rule?
Love is an action, which means it's dependent on your actions and what how you practice it. And if there's one thing that we should practice the most in order for us to achieve that sense of love. What is that agenda? If there's one thing you should achieve in your relationship with your spouse? To make it work very well? What would that be? What kind of actions we're talking about?
Respect
mercy.
Communication.
Trust
caring
anything else ladies? compromise? The guy start compromising already.
The sisters
How about we put all this together in one thing? What would you call it?
Have you heard of something called hostname? Hello. Good manners.
heard of that agenda before?
You see a lot of people they show their good manners outside of the house. What about in the house? Rather, I should come home because I just want to start behaving myself here.
While you behavior settles me to become Jani. Rowdy and loud. And wow. Some holla see hurstville Hello, good manners. If you if you use it at home, I guarantee you the happiest life you'll ever see. See, Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam when he was asked about his love and his manners, Allah Subhana pooran answered that were in the kilala. Hakuna demon did you earn a higher standard of character Mohammed? See Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam he was like everybody else. He has issued his family. He gets upset sometimes you get disappointed he gets sometimes you know his wife gets jealous sometimes. So he has all these issues. But still, he always he always held himself up to the
highest standard of character.
You know,
Professor Selim says Heroku Heroku nearly the best among you are those are the best of their families. And he practices at home sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you know some of the Sahaba they walked around the house of the Prophet Oscar has managed the flock they were asking the other sort of law. I mean, the wives How is rasulillah at home, whatever they're asking about His love and His manners at home. They were asking about his manners at home because like us human beings, we have double faced right we have the public face and the private face. Anyone Mashallah the public face is perfect as much as it's, you know, the private face anybody.
So there are no angels Al Hamdulillah.
So, the basic the basic fact that we have this double standard, sometimes we have the public face and the private face. Sula is sola, sola the Sahaba. They were wondering, is this as luck outdoors with everybody is the same thing as at home, the semi like outside? So they came and they asked the wives and I always tell the men you know, I challenge you. You know, if anyone comes to your wife and would ask her Hey, how's your husband at home? The guy maybe it would have heart attack problem.
And they hate they hate people to ask their kids Hey, how's your dad at home? Why? Because it's embarrassing sometimes. We're human beings After all, we have you know, this kind of double face. These people went to the prophets Allah salams house when they ask Eva Ghana Hello NaVi salado somehow was the flag of the prophet SAW some at home. I she gave a brilliant answer. She's just like, stop. Don't Don't waste your time asking the questions kind of hold on hold on. His manners was the Quran itself.
His manner the standard was the Quran itself, which means he doesn't fluctuate inside the house outside the house is the same. Now some of us might say or the ladies who say can you please teach my husband to be like that? Well, why don't you become Khadija and Ayesha First they will talk about Mohammed salado Salah
No, no, no, no, no. Stop that.
Help yourself, man.
I'm good. I'm speaking with confidence because my wife is here too. So don't worry about it.
The thing is Pamela it's once again. The prophet SAW Selim Islam and his manners were always the same publicly and privately how many of us can do that? It's it's difficult. It's hard. And that's why I say good manners would help us if I make a mistake.
At least with your good manners, you'll forgive me and we move on, we can move on, you know, has to be otherwise if you always think of it, you know to be like a like angels, then you're not going to enjoy life at all. Number eight. Number eight love
when it comes to love now they understand love is an action, okay? Somebody might say chef, I've been doing this all my life, it's not working. Still. I've done everything I can imagine, you know, for my wife to love me for my husband to love him, but it's not working. Here's the thing about love. that's point number eight. When it comes to showing love, you have to show it in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, not to you.
Is that clear? As your man
like what if it doesn't make any sense to me? Who cares? It makes sense to your spouse. You have to show love in a way that is meaningful to your spouse. How do I get to that point? You're gonna have to understand your spouse. It takes a while of practice you can make it happen and shallow della Sera Sorolla is awesome was brilliant. He said to Isla de la Cala la he in Nila Alamo Matata, Hakuna Anuradha Matata, Hakuna Yoruba. I know when you're happy with me, and when you're unhappy with me. She goes, how do you know that? He said to her when you're happy with me, you would say Kela horrible Mohammed no by the Lord of Mohammed. But when you're upset with me, you would say kelabra
boo, Brahim? No, by the Lord of Ibrahim. Like I'm not gonna mention her name, basically. Right. And so halala so the profit source and was able to understand that, to show you how brilliant was the Prophet sallallahu Sallam in that regard. One day, he was sitting after Saturday at home, and the seniors were playing with the swords. They would have a festivity in the masjid. So it was very actually sounds fun out there. And I should stop what she was doing. And she was kind of like trying to listen to what's going on out there. And the professors and he looks at he sees her and he goes,
should you watch?
Do you want to watch it? She goes, Yeah, he goes, Okay, so he stood up for herself. And it keeps standing. And she said she came behind his back to cover to be to hide behind and basically, because there was a window lit to the message you could see from there, and she had her chin on his shoulder.
I can imagine now Now she has her chin on his shoulder. sallallahu wasallam. Now a few things about that. She described she says God, Allah had my cheek was on his cheek. How does that look? Like? Can you guys try to imagine that right now? I know some people that are very rigid. They kind of imagined the prophets or something like that. Just like come on share. This is too embarrassing for me. Why? So the prophets Allah, Allah actually described what heard the Allah had my cheek was on his cheek. And when she when he's basically like, leaning his head towards her or the lawanna, to put his cheek on her cheek, and when they're standing in this position, could you even tell me where
her hand would be? Most likely she's, you know, she's holding them. Now, some people might say no stop for law, she would push her hands behind her back and
really,
eventually, the Prophet sallallahu sallam, he was standing for her. And she was watching and watching and watching and watching. As a typical man, he's watched for some time, it was the same thing again, just like I didn't. She goes, nope. He goes, Okay, keep watching. And after some time, are you done? Not yet? Not yet. Not until she finally she said, Okay, I'm done. And then they went away. Later on, when she was reading the story, she was saying, I swear, I had no interest in watching the seniors. I only wanted the other words to hear about his position for me.
That's all basically. But the point I wanted to make from the story is that the professor's understood his wife very well.
Do you understand your spouse as a man? That's the question. Can you guess? Is it possible? Are you trial and error? are you guys doing it? Right? See, sometimes all what you need to do is just ask your spouse, hey, how do you want me to express love to you.
So if your spouse tells you something, as long as Hello, and it sounds like weird, but it's still helpful. You know, maybe that's how they express love. That's what it was express love. And so karma, like sometimes, which is the word of the man who keeps saying, I'm doing all of this for you, like working from 5am until 10pm.
And he just says, I'm doing all this for you guys. Like you know, handler this life, you have the courage to drive in blah, blah, blah, all this you know, because of what we don't know. But here's the thing. No matter how much you tell your spouse that you're working away for them, they will only see you working away from them.
That's how they see. So Stop bragging about this issue because it doesn't count love for them. What would count love is that you have to understand to express love to respond in a way that's meaningful to your spouse like milk chocolate and dark chocolate. Okay, let's say the lady she loves dark chocolate and the guy Hello
Milk Chocolate every time he wants to give her something sweet he brings her What? Milk chocolate.
First time as a courtesy she's like, Oh, thank you. This is so sweet. Second time. Okay, thank you. Third time what's wrong with you? Right?
And then fourth fifth time just like Are you serious? And then suddenly start fighting over this issue and in his mind is like What's wrong with you? I'm bringing it in but the sweetest things in the market you know, it's the best Belgium milk chocolate you can imagine. Because but I love dark chocolate. No, you have to try this.
It's not our it's not the way you see it is the way your spouse will should see it actually. So remember, when you express love to your spouse, it has to be in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, not to yourself.
Number nine, the last two points of Charlottetown when it comes to love,
love does not mean you cannot disagree with your spouse. I repeat, Love does not mean you cannot disagree with your spouse. You see the prophets that a lot of them says in the hadith
of Habiba, Kahuna ma when you love someone loves them easy. Take it easy What do you love? As an akuna Basilica mama perhaps one day you might dislike them?
And he said what do you dislike someone take it easy, moderately. Because one day they might become you know the most beloved to you. Just don't be excessive in both both ends. That's not right. And the other Hadith the Prophet Allah Sam says God lafree como minim Amina a true believer which means speaking to the husband, a true believer would not detest and dislike or hate another believer speaker by the wife in Korean ha ha Lacan ajibola if you dislike something from her you like something else be balanced. It's not like you know completely hate versus love you might like like things dislike things, you don't have to agree on everything, allow some room for disagreement. I
wouldn't hurt should be okay, inshallah. As long as it's reasonable, and something halal should be fine in short on the last point here, which is something that so many people pay attention to when it comes to the subject of love.
We don't pay attention to this agenda because a lot of people that keep saying to me, you know, I need to add that I can make so can my wife can love me.
And I'm like, Yeah, I have some potions for you over here. Just mix them up and just drink this after Southern fraudulent Shall I make a lot of data with this kind of man and everything's gonna be perfect. I wish I had this magic wand in my in my in my office, keep giving it to people when they have problems. It doesn't work like this. You see. It's not me who brings the hearts together. It's not you for bringing the heart of your spouse to you. A lot of answers in the Koran were alive, but in a Palooza, it is he subhana wa Taala who brought their heart together? Low unfuck the metal out of the Jamie on my left abena palooka mala kin Allah Allah Sabina, if you would go to spend, if it
goes if you would go to spend all the treasures, all the treasures on this earth to bring their hearts together, you might not be able to do it because Allah is the one who brings the hearts together, which means Allah subhanaw taala brings the hearts of the people together with a lot of them.
As as you do your job, you need to do the work. And then make the DA and ask Allah subhanho wa Taala to make it easy for you to get together. A lot of people they spend so much energy in making the effort and forget that Allah subhanho wa Taala He is the one who makes these things happen. And some of us they just sit down there, they make a lot of dough. But they make no real effort to bring themselves closer to their spouse, you have to bring them both, you have to bring them both. And I mean by that you make the effort. And then you raise your hands and make the dog for Allah subhanho wa Taala you know, to bring the hearts together. As an action item I would like from all of you to
remember these 10 points which are number one quickly to go over this. Number one we say that when it comes to love, if there is anything that causes nonsense to make sense, is actually love. Therefore try to rationalize it. It's not just emotions, rationalize it. Number two, when it comes to love is a mystery. But marriage is not learn the rules of marriage. You have I don't like these rules of marriage. It's not about you. You have to play by the rules of marriage. If you don't like them, that's your problem. But you're gonna have to play by the rules of marriage and these are easy to learn. Number three, Allah subhana wa COVID admitted miracle. He made this miracle to place love
and mercy between our hearts. Therefore, enjoy this miracle. It's a perfect stranger that you live with right now suddenly becomes your most intimate person in this life. So make sure to enjoy the miracle number four. When it comes to love, it's Helen once you have a healthy relationship with your spouse, enjoy to the maximum and the most halal way possible. inshallah. Number five, avoid these false perceptions of love. Like if you see that one day you woke up and your spouse doesn't look as they used to be, you know, five years ago just like what happened to him.
Right? Well, he's five years older now. All right. So therefore you're going to have to understand the perception of love.
You know, in reality different than what people you know, have it on TV and so on. Number six,
marriage and happiness. Remember this when it comes to marriage supposed to make you responsible Happiness is your personal business no matter how what's what, what's your situation relationship. Number seven Love is an action. It's not just something you claim something, you have to prove it through action as well. And number eight, love, you need to love your spouse in a way that is meaningful to your spouse, not to yourself, even if it doesn't make any sense to you. But still, if it makes sense to your spouse, you do it number nine. Love does not mean you cannot you cannot disagree. It's okay to disagree on things. You still love each other and shoulders given take in the
relationship and compromise. And finally, always remember to ask Allah subhanho wa Taala always ask Allah to bring the hearts together, because he is the one who brings the hearts together. subhanho wa Taala. So therefore, as another final action item for you in shallow tala, I want you just to try tonight, to change one thing in your relationship, if there is one thing you could change in your relationship, what could it be? Think about it. I'm not going to give you anything in particular, because everybody has their own dynamic is different than others. If you think that you're working too much, hey, maybe you need to start coming one hour earlier. Probably. You know what, maybe I
need to spend more time doing helping the kids with homework so I can give my spouse a break, for example. Or maybe this or maybe that. I don't know, if there's one thing you could change in your relationship with your children with your spouse, something simple, not so big. What could it be think about it and make that change tonight and shallow data mill as part of bringing love and mercy into hearts your Brahmin Allahu taala Any questions? Yes, sir.
Now
parotta ion.
Absolutely, absolutely. I'm saying you make the drop. But the point is, who brings the hearts together allows surgeons so make that Robin I have Lana Minh as well as you know the reality Nakata ion, channel Matatini. Mama, make the DA ask Allah to make your spouse, the love of your heart and the comfort of your eyes and your heart in the dunya and dakka dakka dakka. Akiva and your mind Yes.
What's the difference between Peace and mercy? While Peace and mercy as a matter of fact, the ultimate they say that Peace and mercy. There are categories of love, even believe it or not, like there's a big spectrum for love. And there's peace in between and there's mercy as well. And parlour with mercy. You can find peace in Charlottetown. Now, yes, we're done. Okay, last question from the sister side this question best? Yes, go ahead.
Now, you're asking us about the rules for successful marriage.
That's a whole different game. But there's anything I would like to advise the parents when it comes to their youth and their children at home. And also the youth as well, by the way, is that I just want them to understand when they first fall in love with somebody, that doesn't mean five years down the road, they gotta still have the same feeling for them. And I always tell the people take it easy. When you're ready, you get married.
When you're ready, get married. So for them, I'll say wait until you're close to being ready for marriage. Only then start experiencing that love or exploring that love. Until then most of our children are influenced by what they see out there what they watch out there. And honestly No matter how much we try to make the highlight easy for them, if they're not ready for it can be detrimental. The high rate of divorce that we have in our communities because a lot of our young you know men and women they delve into relationship without being prepared for so we need to have the right preparation for them in Charlotte about a quarter but there's much more to it actually. discussion
on the laws of marriage we can talk about later in Charlotte on that, Melissa, I think we can have to wait for that anyway.
That's it. Okay.