Umm Jamaal ud-Din – Raising Your Children with a Strong Islamic Identity
AI: Summary ©
The importance of protecting children from harm is emphasized in Islam, especially during school age. The speaker emphasizes the need to prioritize one's own children and to nurture their minds and hearts to achieve their potential. The importance of learning and teaching the Bible to protect children from deviation and build strong emotional connections to it is emphasized, along with the need to be gentle and balanced in one's fears of current threats and be an example oneself. The importance of positive parenting techniques and community and environment for children to be resilient and resilient is emphasized.
AI: Summary ©
O praise of Allah, we praise him. We
thank him. We ask him for his help.
We ask him for his forgiveness.
We seek refuge from the evil of ourselves
and the evil of our actions. Whoever is
guided by Allah, then no 1 can misguide
them and whoever is misguided, then no 1
can guide them except for.
I've been witness that,
there is no god worthy of worship except
Allah,
and I be witness that Muhammad
is his final messenger.
First of all, my dear sisters,
I just want to say to the beautiful
sisters here at the UMA for inviting me
and it's always a pleasure and honor to
join you and the beautiful sister Hood here.
May Allah bless you all, inshallah.
And may Allah accept from all of us.
So my dear sisters, the topic that
we wanna speak about today is the topic
on raising children with a strong identity.
Alright. Because this is a topic a lot
of people are really concerned about this
at this time especially at this time.
And, you know, 1 of the the biggest
fears
that
you find
many parents obviously have at this time that
we're living in is, you know,
how do I
protect my child, you know, from all of
the deviated
lifestyles and agendas that are being propagated
and that, you know, we find ourselves
being surrounded with, Right? You know, how and
how can I raise my child to have
a strong Islamic identity? This is the question
that a lot of people, you know, they're
much more concerned about that these days
alhamdulillah. So just to mention first is that,
you know, we need to realize that the
risk of children becoming deviated
has actually always been there.
I mean, even the term of,
that
own child did not even
accept
the message. Right?
But even if we go back 20 or
30 years ago,
there's always been that risk
of your child leaving Islam.
It's that's always been existing.
There's always been that risk that your child
could, you know, fall into or
go and have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
There's always been that risk that your child
could become addicted to drugs. Right? And the
list goes on. There's always been these dangers.
Right? It's just that with this latest threat,
which, you know, people are really
getting woken up by actually,
you know, the LGBT
agenda.
Right?
This is actually causing people to wake up
and realize
just how dangerous things can get if we
don't give enough priority
to the way we raise our children.
Now I never forget
how concerned and worried I was
the you know, when the the time came
for my old oldest son to start school,
you know, because I've I've done my best
raising him in the home the first
5 years, and I never forget the 1st
day going to school and very concerned
how will he be influenced by other kids
or the environment, and I went through that,
you know? And I'm sure a lot of
the sisters in the room, they also experience
the same fear.
Alright?
But
from the immense blessing of Allah
after going through, let's say, countless struggles
and lots of efforts,
you know, enabled,
you know, myself and my husband
to raise
our children to have a strong identity. And,
like, pretty much they're all adults now. So
I've got 5 kids
and the last one's
17.
May Allah protect all of our children.
But I'm I'm here to say that we
should not lose hope. If you look around
the community there are many many examples of
of of young, you know, youth who've been
raised in Australia and they're very, you know,
strong in holding on to their identity. Okay?
So we shouldn't feel like we shouldn't lose
hope
and despair and think that, you know, how
am I gonna manage that? You know, how
can that be done?
So that's why I'm here today,
you know, to you know, basically, I wanna
share with you what are some of the
most important things
that you need to focus on if you
wanna be successful
in raising your children in these times
despite the odds and despite whatever
various genders
our children face.
Okay?
So no doubt there's so much that needs
to be covered
with regards to this topic,
and it's very hard to obviously condense it
all into 1 hour. I'm sure you can
appreciate that. But I'm going to, you know,
stick to
sharing 6 important
pieces of advice
that I feel
these advice no. These things in particular helped
me after the help of Allah,
you know, to raise my children and these
are things also that I observed
and learned from other parents,
you know, who had
managed to successfully raise their children.
So let's start off with the first 1.
The first 1 is
obviously
Anil Khalisa. Right? The the
sincere the sincere intention.
So first of all, my dearest sisters, you
know, when blesses
you
with a child,
your first and foremost goal
needs to be to raise your child to
be a righteous child.
If you look at the the prophets and
messengers when they would make dua in the
Quran,
they would ask for not
just
not just not just offspring, but the righteous
offspring. Right?
So you need to have that intention, but
then you need to keep reminding yourself of
that intention all throughout. It's not just good
enough at the beginning when you first have
the baby. It needs to be continual for
your child's life that that's your intention. And
you're always making dua and asking Allah,
you know, to make them into the from
the salihim.
Alright? And you're working towards that. Right? Taking
the steps to try to enable that to
also happen.
Now 1 of the biggest mistakes
and causes for kids to become misguided when
they get older
is due to parents
basically having raised
their children haphazardly
without a goal
for what they're working towards. Right? We saw
that in many, many cases. Right? So we
have to realize that in the past, the
world was much more simple,
and it was a lot easier to get
away with just having kids,
letting them play in the street. You know?
You don't know what they're really doing. You
don't know who they're really with.
You didn't have to put a lot of
effort
into,
you know,
not as much effort, you know, into trying
to do efforts to keep them steadfast
because you have the society around you
to support your.
Like, we're talking about especially, like, in Muslim
countries. Well, that hasn't really happened in Australia,
I don't think.
But, like, in Muslim countries, if you're in
a Muslim country and you had sort of,
like, the you know, they've got the practice
all around them and stuff like that, and
there wasn't all this Internet exposure back then.
It was just a simple
basically Islamic lifestyle
and, you know, so you had that around
them and they would just learn from their
environment. Right?
But now we need a time and we
live in a place as well
where you can't afford to be, you know,
you can't afford not to be
fully focused
on how you raise your children,
and you need to even
pre think
about everything you expose them to.
Right? And you need to ask yourself
how that thing,
that device, that movie, that book, whatever,
might negativity
not might negatively
affect them in the long run.
Okay? So everything every decision you make as
you bring your children up, you need to
think, okay. If I let them do this
now,
what are the potential side effects or negative
effects that could happen in the future if
I was to introduce that now? You understand?
You need to be thinking about that all
the time.
If we look in the Quran,
Allahu Ta'ala, he says,
So Allah says in the Quran, He says,
O you who believe,
save yourselves
and your families
from the fire which its fuel is of
mankind and stones.
So
how do we save our children? Allah is
telling us to save ourselves
and save our children. We can say the
way you save your children
is through the Islamic
It's
through which means the way to bring up
your children,
but especially
the talbir to Islamia. Right? The Islamic talbir.
Now 1 of the worst things
that a person can do is raise their
child
paying attention to all of their dunya and
material needs,
and they neglect
the most important need
of giving them the guidance
of Al Islam and the guidance of the.
And this is what we found a lot
of people they fall into.
Like, where you find they're so concerned with
giving their their kids the best holidays,
the best clothes.
You know, they focus on on education. You
know, what, like, nothing wrong with having ambitions
for our children. Okay? Like, I want my
kid to be a doctor, engineer. There's nothing
wrong with that at all, but
not at the expense of their ding. And
that's a lot of people fell into that.
You know? And it's about, you know, it's
like any of you have been to Islamic
school,
you know what I'm talking about. It's all
bragging like, I want my son to be
my son got the highest marks, my My
son's gonna be the doctor. You know, all
this is just unfortunately, people fall into that.
It's a fit now that people fall into
through their children. Right?
And sports too. You know, my kid runs
the fastest, all this. Right?
But they end up what happens is they're
so focused on these things.
They end up neglecting
and focusing on giving their children the vital
tools they need
to help them survive the waves of fitna
that they're gonna face in this life.
Subhanallah, Allahu Ta'ala in the Quran says,
Allah said, do not kill your children
due to poverty.
Right?
But,
did we ever think
about
the fact that not giving your children the
examined foundation
that they need
in order to remain resilient against the vigna
of our times
is a form of killing your child spiritually.
We never thought about that before. Right?
And even Allah
that letting you, you know, letting,
can be even worse than killing.
Right? So is a very huge thing because,
I mean, you know, a child falls into
like, especially if it's, like, major disbelief, for
example,
then that's
like that's their eternity gone.
You know? It's not even just in this
life. It's the eternity is gone. Right? So
it's it's very important that when
blesses us with a child that we don't
lose sight
of the most important goal in raising our
children, which is to raise them to be
to be righteous,
and especially in today's society, which is so
filled with.
And this is why also, especially
during the child raising years,
you need to be very careful not to
become so busy with other pursuits.
You're getting distracted with other pursuits, right, that
we end up neglecting this number 1 priority.
So this is something that,
like,
kind of showed me an example of this
before I even got into dawah, like, years
years back when I was just in my
doing my first degree at Macquarie University, actually.
And,
there was 1 there was 1 particular woman
in our community who were very, very active,
and sadly,
not only you to Islam myself but,
you know, basically, I saw like her daughter
was outside and she was just she it
was like she didn't even care about this
at all. You know? No no sign of
Islam really on her. She was just mixing
with guys at uni and she just it
like, I couldn't even tell I wouldn't even
known even,
you know, if I didn't know that was
her daughter, I wouldn't I would you know,
I was shocked. Let's just say like that.
Right? And I know that she was very
busy. She was always outside. Like, she was
always really busy. You know? And even though,
you know, it's something good to be involved
with Dawa,
but I did make a promise to myself
at that point,
a personal promise,
you know, but, you know, not to sacrifice
my priorities
to my family in case of dawah. Like,
even though dawah is very, very important and
it's, masha'Allah, a very rewardable,
you know, you know, a very rewardable,
act for us to do,
but
we should never let ourselves become so heavily
involved outside of the home that it leads
to the neglect of the family. And this
is not just for women. This is even
for men. They I have seen that too.
It's not and I'm not just criticizing women
because I have seen that happen as well
where, unfortunately, there were, you know, some, you
know, brothers very, very busy, maybe their businesses,
their work, things like that. And sadly, their
kids,
especially, you know, boys, especially when they get
to teenagers, they need they need the direction.
You know? Generally, they need they need the
involvement, you know, and that wasn't there unfortunately.
You know?
So
all I'm showing you is that we do
need to make priorities for for our children.
Okay? And in the Quran, he shows us
these priorities. He he shows us how to
put our priorities in order when he tells
us, yeah,
save yourselves
and your family. Like, you're gonna be asked
about yourself first
and then secondly your family. So this is
why we have to put that as our
first priority.
Alright. Then we come to the second
advice
which is
our goal
should be trying to help your children to
become motivated
from within.
Okay? So when you have a child, your
main goal should be trying to focus on
motivating your child
to be motivated
from within so that when they grow up
and become increasingly
exposed to society through entering uni,
through entering the workforce,
that they hold fast to their Islamic principles
and identity.
They don't need you there
constantly reminding them because eventually they get to
a point where they are motivated
from within.
That's the goal.
Okay?
So the main way to do that
is focusing on nurturing the the iman
in their hearts,
especially from when they're very young.
Right? You start from when they're very young,
you need to be focusing on nurturing the
iman in the heart.
And this is why the foundation
is
of a child's life, like, we could describe
the foundational years of a child's life
roughly 5 or 7, the first 5 or
7 years.
They are so important,
and
you know, your main focus needs to be
on developing their awareness of Allah.
Right? This is what our main focus and
filling their hearts with love for Allah and
really knowing Allah, depending on Allah, all of
these things. We wanna try to develop powerful
positive emotional connections
with them and Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala. Just
a quick example of that, like,
no every child at that age,
their whole world is their mother and father.
All right?
Their mother, their parents
is the most that is their whole world
at that age. So when you connect that
back to Allah and and tell them when
there are only 2 or 3, you tell
them who created mama? Do you love mama?
Yes, I love mama, you know. Who created
mama?
And then they don't know you say, Allah,
Allah gave you mama, Allah blessed you with
mama, like, you understand like this. This is
what makes them
build that connection, and when they start to
realize that everything I love in this world
and everything
that's beautiful, like, who created that beautiful sunset?
Look at that beautiful sunset tonight. Do you
know who created that sunset? That was Allah
who created that beautiful sunset. Right? So the
child grows up connecting all that back to
Allah
and so they can see there's really positive,
you know,
emotions and connections
between
them and a lost count of.
Okay. So that's 1 way to connect the
children in that way. Right? Connecting different things,
different scenarios,
different things you see,
especially visual things.
Then another 1 is, you know, 1 of
the reasons why I wanted my children to
memorize the Quran
was to
protect them from deviation.
Like a lot of times the Quran says
That this Quran
deals,
sorry. It guides
to that which is upright. Like, everything in
this Quran
guides to what is upright
and what is the heart and what is
the truth.
So
by by putting Quran in their heart,
okay? As long as they understand it, it's
what you're teaching the understanding as I'll come
to, but putting the Quran in the heart
is like to me that was like an
antidote.
You know, I saw it as an antidote.
You know, Allah has given us this antidote.
Right? And there is a hadith that says
that the 1 who does not have any
Quran in their hearts is
like the deserted house,
like the empty house. What is the hadith?
What do we know about the deserted house
from the other ahadith?
The deserted house the shaitan can easily come
into work because there's no 1 living there.
Right? So this is the same thing. When
we don't have Quran in our hearts,
it it makes us more susceptible
to shaitan deviating us and all of these
things. Right? So having the Quran in the
heart is like I felt that's giving my
children
resilience
and,
like, you know, giving them like an antidote,
let's say, you know, to to what they're
gonna be exposed to in the future.
Now, of course, it's not just about
making them memorize or trying to get them
to memorize the Quran because
there's a lot we can say on these
things. Right? They forgot
disclaimers and things like but let's just say
that when you're teaching that Quran as well,
you give it with the explanation
in a way that they can understand on
their level.
Right? So you you you need sometimes you
need to, was it called? Is
it called?
Yeah. Animates. Anyways. Animate
like, give the animation of the meanings of
the.
That's because look. The Quran is filled with
aqidah. Right? Aqidah like creed. Like, it's it's
showing you it's giving you the outlook
on life. It's giving you the understanding of
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
It's putting everything into place for them and
giving them the understanding from the Islamic lens.
It gives you the understanding from the Islamic
lens.
That's the power of the Quran. You're raising
them with that and you're teaching them in
an animated form
like you know, by your explanations
of what these mean in general. We're not
going into the deep or anything like that.
We're just talking about in general what are
these
means so that they've got a a basic
understanding. Okay?
Now
I'm not gonna just talk about small children
because we need to everyone's worried about their
older children as well. Right?
So
you have to realize exactly what I just
said. Really honestly,
what I a 100% believe is the Quran
is our antidote
to all of these problems we're having.
Okay?
Now when it comes to say the LGBT
agenda,
we have to understand
Allah
knew this would happen.
Alright? Nothing can happen
except by the will of Allah.
Alright? So this was written to happen, Allah
knew it was always gonna happen,
and therefore, Allah did not leave us with
that which we can't you know, he did,
you know, he did not leave us except
that he gave us
that which we can protect ourselves and family
with. Right?
So
what I found useful when I was raising
my children,
when they get to a certain age. Obviously,
it's gonna be age specific. Okay?
I will come to this in a minute,
but you don't need to expose your children
before their time. You don't start teaching a
2 year old, let's go through the ayats
of common looks. You don't need
to do that.
What you do is when they get to
an a certain age which you'll know from
the questions they start asking you,
that's when it's time
to get out the Quran and give an
education about it. Okay? So for example, like
for example,
what I did is when when my when
my son, for example, was
reaching
puberty,
I knew that when a child yeah. When
a when a boy reaches puberty, this is
an ageist to start looking at He's gonna
start being attracted to girls. He's gonna start
feeling attracted to women.
He needs to learn to lower his gaze.
He needs to protect his chastity just like
a girl has to protect protect
her chastity,
so does a male have to protect their
chastity. Right?
So what did I what what my way
of dealing with that was,
for example, I'm going to memorize suit Yusuf.
Right? Memorize with Yusuf, go through with Yusuf,
explain what did Yusuf do with regards to
protecting his chastity from a woman who tried
to seduce him.
Right? And he chose Allah over falling into
that sin.
And similarly,
when my my daughter or even my son
when they got to the age where I
knew that they're gonna be gonna they're gonna
scout like they got to you say he's
7,
I knew there's gonna be * education
in school.
Put your narrative in there.
My kids are going to summit school, I
do, but even if they go to Islamic
school they still get exposed to things and
that's just the reality of life.
Okay? If you live in Pakistan now I
can guarantee
you there is an internet that they can
get every exposure to so there is really
no escape anymore
it doesn't matter where you live it's very
hard you know you can basically as
sorry to quote a movie but you can
run but you can't hide. That's the that's
the way I look at it. Okay? That's
the reality.
And
like so for example I got my kids
to memorize certain ayat or or not necessarily
memorize but just to read over the verses
in Surabakara.
Like they talk about that for example, the
verses on menstruation.
You know, okay? And that's how you can
educate your son because the boys also have
questions like
they might notice their sis is not praying
or their mom's not praying or something like
that. So you get out here, son. Get
out the get out the chapter 2 of
sort of bukara.
Let's go through these verses and have a
talk.
Okay?
So this is how
we open up dialogue between ourselves and children
and put the narrative. We put our Islamic
narrative instead of leaving the narrative
for
someone else, maybe even someone who doesn't share
our Islamic faith to
to implant their narrative into their minds. Okay?
Similarly, we can do this with the story
of Omalut, for example. Right?
Anyway, so that I'm just trying to show
you some examples
of how we we build up their identity
from within. Another
some other important things, things like very simple
things,
sharing, you know, mention like
re
say the stories of the prophets before going
to sleep.
Now don't the best thing is I'll tell
you something. The best thing is not to
actually get the books and read from the
book. It sounds a little bit boring to
a little kid. Okay?
They need you to you read the book
first. This is your homework. You read the
book first. I'm sorry about the book. You
read the story first,
like the story of you serve or part
of the story that you wanna read tonight
you talk about tonight
or no. Okay? You read the story and
then you come and put it in your
own words.
You say it in your own words and
you say it on the level that you
know your child's on. If they're 3, they
need it in a very
simplistic way, a very exciting way,
but it's up to you to make it
relatable.
Okay? So this is how you put up
their identity
through these things and making them feel connected,
and they wanna know more about the Quran.
Can you tell me some more stories from
the Quran tonight, mama? You know, that's how
they're gonna feel. Another thing that we had,
we were very blessed, I have to say,
in my kid's generation, especially the first 3.
We had a lot of Islamic cartoons back
then. They they do have English ones now,
but back then we had actually Arabic ones
which were amazing.
So many different Arabic cartoons,
and they really had a lot of really
strong Islamic themes in them. And the kids
not only got the benefit of learning Arabic,
listening to Arabic, but they even got the,
you know, Islamic identity through those
cartoons.
Besides that,
we need to focus on developing
positive connections to Islam
to you know, our children need to we
need to develop positive connections between our children
and Islam in general. Right?
So 1 1 thing I mentioned is
and everything I'm saying has got so much
more to say, but I'm just trying to
give you headlines. Okay?
So
when you're looking at your child, especially of
the young child, the main thing you should
be focusing on is what we call
which means
encouragement.
The main thing you focus on is positivity
and encouragement, not harshness, not, you know, not
on this, on that, you know, not,
you know, making them get so scared, and
they're gonna go to * if they don't
do this. You know? Not that. Okay?
And if you look at this 1,
this 1 old or this 1
statement that's attributed to some of the or
some of the, you know, scholars of the
past. Basically,
that
play with them
for 7 years,
then train them for 7 years, and then
be their friend for the next 7.
It's very wise advice,
so come along. So if you think about
that, it really helps you understand what you
should be doing because, you know, by the
time that they reach 7, you need to
start teaching them and train them to pray,
for example. Right?
Okay.
1 thing I wanna mention here is that
it's very important that we don't go to
the opposite extreme
of becoming overstrict
and over rigid in
of our children
as a knee jerk reaction
to the fear we have with these current
agendas.
That's been 1 of my concerns personally because
I've seen lots of Muslim parents do this
in the past with other things and I
am very worried that they can repeat this
with the threat of these current agendas. Right?
Because we've got the up I mentioned to
you the first type where they're just very
they're just way too complacent
and now we've got the other side where
they just become too rigid and over stripped.
So I I just want to mention that
I have seen people, you know, who took
the very rigid method
in raising their children
over the years.
And very sadly, in many cases, I'm sad
to say that they actually ended up pushing
their kids away from Islam
and some left.
And that's that's the reality, unfortunately. That's the
sad that's very sad. So we need to
go to the guidance of the prophet sallallahu
alaihi wa sallam. He
instructed us and told us that generally that
that gentleness
is not in something except it beautifies it.
And it's not removed from something except it
makes it ugly.
Okay? So if you want your children to
love Islam and you want them to love
their deen,
it's through being gentle that's gonna make them
it's gonna be beautified to them. Their demons
become beautified to them. But when you become
harsh, you take the overstrict approach,
that's when it becomes harsh and hard and
these things, and this is what we don't
want. Okay? And even in the Quran, Allah
says
that if you were harsh hearted, if you
dealt with them in a harsh hearted way,
they would run away from you.
Okay?
So this is why it's important to be
balanced
in our fears of the current threats.
Right? We need to be aware.
Definitely, we need to be aware. We need
to be going into,
you know, raising our children with our eyes
wide open, even eyes in the back of
your head, literally.
Right? But and, you know, and take the
appropriate measures,
but don't let your feet cause you to
overreact.
And due to that, you end up turning
your kids off Islam as a result. That's
what we don't want. We don't wanna
think we're doing something good, but we actually
end up leading to the exact thing we
were trying to run from.
Also, my dear sisters, your goal should be
guiding your children
to want to be internally
motivated to practice
their Islam as I said before,
not raising them in a way that they're
really only practicing their Islam in order to
please you as their parent.
Okay? We don't want them
to grow up
only practicing their Islam out of pleasing you
as their parents.
So that the minute you turn your back,
they're doing the exact opposite of what you
taught them.
I remember the irony is upon when I
first converted to Islam, I started going to
wear the hijab, and I was scared to
put it on in front of my parents.
So I used to go to the train
station
to put it on before I go on
the train.
And you know what I used to see?
I'm sure you also that
too. Some of the Muslim girls
coming back on the train,
putting their hijab back on after they've been
out to go home with their hijab for
their parents. So I was in the opposite
of what they were doing. The irony. Right?
But what what is a lot of that
majority of the time where that stems from
is,
you know, is that
it look. People tried their best in the
past. I don't wanna judge because we have
to understand the knowledge we have today is
very different than the knowledge
of a lot of your parents. So just
please also be a little bit compassionate
when thinking about how things work.
They didn't necessarily have the knowledge or ability,
you know, and so that's why, unfortunately, everything
was just translating to haram haram haram, and
most people just thought that all this language
is just everything's haram.
And so they have a very positive connection
with Islam nor with a lost of a
month after due to that. Right? So they
were only wearing hijab because their parent told
them not because they had any understanding of
what they're wearing it for or, you know,
any conscious of wanting to strive for.
It was you understand? It was just just
merely pleased their parent and scared their parent's
gonna hit them if they don't if they
come home with no hijab, basically. Right?
So
this is what can happen when you take
the overrigid approach
where you end up teaching your your kids,
you know, to fear you,
and they only do things out of guilt
due to, you know, basically your being
primarily based
upon punishment.
So we want to focus on
showing them the benefit
of why
they need to do those things. Right? That's
how they become internally motivated to wanna do
them. When they understand why, what the benefit
they're gonna get and also connecting them back
to a loss of pranthal. Like, I remember
there was 1 story about 1 scholar whenever
his, you know,
child would leave the home,
he would say, you know,
he would tell him fear a lot wherever
you are.
You know, fear a lot wherever you are.
So because
and know that Allah can see you wherever
you are. So even if I'm not with
you, just remember that Allah can see you.
And I used to sometimes remind my kids
of that when they would go to the
house. I would tell you, just remember that
Allah is always with you. He can see
everything. So remember, if if I'm not with
you, Allah sees you.
Develop that in their heart because then they
brought with consciousness of Allah watching them, and
it's not about
my mom and dad can't see me now.
It's about Allah can see me, so this
is much more motivating.
And we come to the third point which
is being an example yourself.
Now when none of us are perfect, but
we have to strive to try to rectify
ourselves. And 1 of the blessings I do
find about children
is they
make you start really stepping your act up,
you could say. Like, I know I had
my you know, I'm sure most of you
went through that, like, you wanna be able
to be all over the place if we
do Islam, but when you had the baby,
it's like, oh my god. I'm gonna start
getting my my act together because my kids
get a copy of everything I do. They're
gonna they're gonna imitate me and so you
start thinking I better start reading some multibay
slam, I better I better start practicing a
bit better because otherwise they're gonna be doing
what I do, you know?
But yeah. So be an example
yourself. You need to work on yourself
and being sincere with your children is very,
very important. I talk to your children from
your heart, be absolutely sincere.
It's so important you do what you say.
You follow through what you say,
and stick to your words.
Be a person of your word. Teach them
that
Islam is about being a person
who sticks to their words.
Okay? And even Allah said in the Quran,
It's most hated to Allah and detestable to
Allah that you say what you don't do
may not protect us from it.
Okay? So this this is something that builds
integrity, you know, like when you stick to
your words,
your children,
they build trust in you and they
you you become their example and cup too,
but if you if you don't stick to
your words, it's like you're telling them 1
thing, but mom, you do the opposite.
Dad, you do the opposite.
You know? Like, don't tell me when something
when you do the opposite.
So you need to as much as possible,
you should be practicing what you preach,
walk the talk. You know? Walk the talk.
So, like, for example, like, you you know,
praying your prayers on time, you can't be
telling your child, pray your prayers on time,
but you don't pray your prayers on time.
Like, how much are you showing your enthusiasm
to pray your prayers? You know, they're gonna
copy off your basically, your habits.
So with kids, if you go and study
any book that's about children and upbringing,
no action speaks way louder than that words.
Besides that,
you
know, also
be a leader for your children by demonstrating
your own
your own pride of your deed,
your own confidence
in your deed.
Again, they learn far more
from what you do than what you say.
So for example, when it comes to praying
outside, like, it's prayer time,
you go and find somewhere to pray and
you don't, you know, like Allah
says,
They don't fear the blame of the blameless.
Like, you you do the you you have
the Islamic,
how can I say that? Islam.
You know you know what I'm trying to
say? You have the honor, like, you feel
the honor of Islam and you don't feel,
oh, embarrassed. Oh, non Muslims are gonna see
us praying right now. No. You teach them
that we
we, alhamdulillah,
we go. When it's time to pray, we
pray, and our prayer is a dua. Our
prayer is a dua. When they see our
family
praying in this place far away from maybe
they've never even seen a Muslim pray before.
That's a dua, and we we're showing them
that as Muslims, we're remembering Allah all the
time. You know, we're we're not living this
materialistic secular life that has no purpose, you
know, and no goal.
And, you know, speaking up when Islam is
defamed,
speaking up, showing that you stand up for,
you stand up for justice,
and, you know, that you're confident
to give someone, for example.
You know, you proudly speak about your dean.
Things like that. That's all. They, you know,
they are silently watching your actions. That's what
I'm trying to say. You are silently giving
them
their understanding of the sonic identity.
K?
Another thing that's important for us as parents,
especially in this day and age,
is seek knowledge as much as you can
so that you become
an authority that your children respect.
Like, when you have that knowledge, your children
actually turn to you and they respect you.
They know they can't pull the eye they
can't pull the wool over your eyes. You
know what I'm trying to say because you
know what? You know you're a teen. They
can't just try to, you know let's say
can't slam to this mom. No? No. Because
this and this, you know?
Okay. Another very important point. This is all
point 3, mind you. It's all point 3
because it's all got to do with motivating
your children from within. This is this is
a big topic.
Anyway,
so also pay attention. This is very important.
Pay attention to your home.
Pay attention to your home. Look around your
home. Is your home
giving your children
the understanding
of the difference between Islam
and not having Islam?
Like, when I look at this home, does
it remind me of a Muslim household,
of an Islamic environment,
or is it a home that there's really
not much difference between this environment and any
other I was talking about Muslim's house that
doesn't have any faith.
There's not really any big difference between our
houses. You know what I'm trying to say,
sisters? So
why is that so important?
So that when your children are outside
mixing and seeing, like, society, how it is
and,
you know,
the the
the the the guy the the lifestyle without
guidance,
when they walk into their home, they feel
they can they can notice the difference.
You're showing them the hat and the button
visually that this is the difference. There's peace
in this household,
You know?
1 of my philosophies actually
was
because we don't have any true Islamic environment
in this day and age,
and I will come talk about that in
a little while. I've got my own commentary
on that to make. Because we in reality
do not really have any true Islamic environment
in the world today.
Okay? That's the sad reality.
The best we can do is create what
I call a greenhouse.
Well, I I consider it like a a
greenhouse. Okay? So
what that means is
what do you do when you have plants
that,
you know, they have their natural environment,
but
the environment's very,
like, it's very severe on them. You have
to try to replicate
the right environment for them to thrive.
Yes or no?
Yes. This is what we have to be
thinking about in raising our children the same
thing. As much as possible, we need to
replicate
the type of environment,
like, an Islamic environment that they're gonna thrive
in as much as possible. Okay? And
and yeah. So to do that,
you need to be conscious of what you
have in your home
because
when you have in your home, when you
have things that's gonna weaken them,
you know, due to what they see like
the type of movies that you let them
watch,
the the books you let them read,
the music, things like that. That's all desensitizing
them.
Okay? That's desensitizing them and they can't see
the difference between
like the guidance
and this guidance. So there needs to be
a difference. Right?
So realize that
being exposed to being exposed to,
you know, corruption
is something that
it has an effect on the heart and
it desensitizes
over time.
So what we wanna try to do is
especially when they're little, you try to create
that greenhouse. Of course, over time, just like
you do with a plant,
once it's come to a certain point in
the greenhouse,
you now have to it has to now
start getting used to being out in the
environment in the wild,
and it's gonna slowly get used to that.
It's gonna have to slowly adapt to that.
But the thing is you've you've made it
you've
you've
developed it to be strong to a certain
level. You know? And this is what we
we try to aim towards doing with our
kids as much as possible. Right? You develop
them. Like I said, towards doing with our
kids as much as possible. Right? You develop
them, like, so slowly they get exposed. Whether
you like her or not, sisters,
they're gonna get exposed,
but we want them we tried to we
tried to delay the exposure,
you know, and until it's necessary.
You know, not not early
exposure. We try
to delay it so that by the time
they are exposed,
they are built from within their their iman
system.
Their identity system is built within,
and they are resilient enough. And believe
me believe me, if inshallah you've really focused
on the foundational years, I can tell you
that I know with, you know, with my
own experience,
by the time my kids were 4 or
5, I could say they had their head
on their shoulders.
Really, you could hear it. They would say,
like, if they saw something, I would have
been there. You know what I mean? Like,
that would, and that's something too. You should
also show reactions. If you see something, and
by the
way, I actually learned
this from a very, masha'allah, amazing family that
Allah blessed me to know when I was
in Saudi Arabia who they had 9 children
all memorized the Quran
and they were very, very stuck to their
despite
and the Saudi Arabia is a whole different
story. I think I've lived there. I know
how it is.
Just because you're living in Saudi Arabia doesn't
mean you're gonna be successful in bringing your
children. Let me just say that. But they
had managed to do so, but I'm just
telling you 1 of the things I noticed,
they had taught their kids about,
you know, having a reaction, not just being
passive. Like, unfortunately, a lot of unfortunately, I've
seen it happen too many times
from from Muslims who we know that that's
other for iman, actually. That's that's from the
weakest iman, not to hate a munkar.
That they just actually go along with munkar
and they don't
like, they see a scene, they see an
evil, and they just go along with it
and support it even. Instead of actually
having a reaction, you should show your children
that this is not, this is, something Allah
does not love. He he hates it or
he does not like it. This is not
from our iman. This is not from,
you know, what is, you know, what Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala, you know,
has commanded for. Right? It's something that leads
to the fire,
for example. So by your reaction, you're teaching
them also
how to, you know, hate the in their
hearts as well. Right?
Alright. So that's that okay. So we come
to the the 4th point, which is
maintaining a strong emotional connection to your child.
This is so important. Right?
Maintaining a strong emotional connection to your child.
So it's it's really important
to be close to your children.
As I said before, it's not like in
the past where you you just don't you
simply do not have that society around you.
Right? You don't have the society around you
to support your children.
Okay?
And,
you know,
over the years I mean, like, all the
time, actually, I get I get those
unfortunate unfortunate
phone calls or messages
telling me things like, you know,
my daughter is refusing to pray. My daughter
doesn't wanna wear hijab. Things like this. You
know?
And even worse stories. That's that's the least
of it. Even worse ones. You know?
A lot of the time, if you go
into it, my dear sisters,
you find that the parent doesn't have a
very good relationship with their son or daughter
especially in the teenage years.
Right?
Now, of course, no 1 is perfect. Right?
None of us are perfect, and we all
I think now we're starting to become more
educated and understand that,
you know, sometimes we often we've learned
our
from our parents,
and that's and sometimes, you know, they talk
about trauma being passed down. I mean, the
the negative
techniques
that your parents might have done with you,
and then you pass them on to your
children. You know what I'm trying to say?
So we need to realize that if our
relationship
with our kids is mainly consisting of criticism
and blaming and putting them down and comparing
them to others,
it's a good idea
to speak to, like,
a psychologist or counselor, like a Muslim psychologist
or counselor
on how you can improve your relationship.
Right? And and and your communication
techniques to try to strengthen
the bond between you and your daughter or
your
son.
And sometimes it can it can actually be
the way you're dealing with your children that
is pushing them away. And and that's why
actually, believe it or not, when I have
people come to me with these things, we
have to look at the bigger picture
because they tell me, oh, can you talk
to my daughter? You know,
something really I can't go into just in
case, you know, there are some really major
crisis that unfortunately some parents go through. Can
you please talk to my daughter? Like, an
example, my daughter's
moved out of home with she's gone off.
She's run off with her boyfriend. They're living
together, you know, who's not Muslim, whatever. You
know, that's an example. Right?
Can you talk to my daughter, they say
to me. You know?
In light of everything I've told you,
a lot of the time, unfortunately,
you know, there hasn't been that
that that foundation to start off with, and
now they've unfortunately
unfortunately,
they're facing a lot of the consequences of
that.
And
and if you ask them, I often what
I do is I actually say, how's your
relationship with your daughter? When they tell me
my daughter's run away or my daughter's
you know, why did you not just I
don't wanna blame people because people don't really
realize what they're doing often. They're they're doing
it out of they think they're doing the
right thing, but they just maybe lack skills.
So that's what I'm saying to you. If
you feel that your relationship is strained with
your child,
it's really wise
to you know? And if you feel that
your relationship is based mainly on blaming criticism,
put downs,
and, you know, lacking communication.
Okay? Like, your daughter doesn't wanna open up
to you. Your son doesn't wanna open up
to you. They don't like talking to you.
They don't like being around you, things like
that.
That's where I would go and get professional
advice. You can use that professional advice to
enhance your relationship.
Now
it's not necessary to actually go and read
hundreds of books on parenting. I'll be quite
honest. It's not actually that necessary to go
read hundreds of books on parenting.
Let me say this, that kids need basic
things.
So because a lot of people when they're
starting out, they get really worried and overwhelmed
and all this, like, it's your first baby
just overwhelmed with information,
read this book, read that book. Let me
tell you,
when it comes down to it, there are
some very basic core things that kids need,
and that is basically
love,
genuine love, and feeling loved.
Right?
Feeling like they're genuinely cared for.
Patience,
a lot of patience, patience. Like, I can't
even begin to tell you how much patience
you need. Anyone who's got adult kids
will know how much patience you need to
have a child. Okay?
And also, connection.
Connection.
Okay? That is so important. Right?
Now I only really read I'll be honest
with you and everything's from a lot of
course, but, like, I only really read 1
book, which I thought was great. Great. It
really has everything in it, and it you
know, it's 1 by Steve Beadleff, I think
his name is. He has a really good
book. I think it was raising boys,
and it really just centers around
positive
parenting. It's you know, we can really use,
these techniques
because if you have a look
at the of
the prophet
that's exactly how he was with children. Now
you gotta ask yourself why wasn't the children
had so much love for the Rasool?
Why?
He had a beautiful way of dealing with
them, you know, and this is what we
want. We want our children, you know, to
really
not feel threatened by us to, you know,
feel safe to come and tell us their
secrets,
to share with us, to be close to
them. Do you understand?
And to really feel that we are a
resort in their life that they can come
back to and confide in. And then we
look at, for example, just what Anas
said about the
He said that, you know, I served the
for 10 years.
He never even once said to me, oof,
like out of, you know, showing impatience
and never blamed me by saying, why did
you do so and so, or why didn't
you do so and so? Right Now here's
the result. I admit that, and I'm not
gonna come and say to you that I
never said similar to to my kids or
that I didn't yell at my kids or
that I didn't sometimes say, why didn't you
do this or why didn't you do that?
I I was not, you know, on that
level, but let me say this.
If the majority
of your parenting is positive
and the most of the time you're working
towards that, and every now and again you
slip up, it's not gonna be something that's
gonna majorly affect your children.
Okay? It's it's what you do over time
consistently that makes the difference.
Alright, sisters?
So
things like
highlighting their focus on highlighting their positives to
them, like because, you know, you have that
child that say,
you know, you're you've all we've all got
this child that, oh, he does really well.
He gets all the good marks. He listens
to everything you say. And then number 2,
if he's a boy, it's like usually
he's very restless, doesn't sit still, he loves
football. I don't know. Like, they're not gonna
be the same sisters. That's the reality.
But you know what? That second child's got
a big heart.
That second child's kind.
He isn't maybe have the same, you know,
intellectual
kind of capacity as the first child, for
example, but he's got the kindness. He's got
the big heart. He's loving. So you've got
a riff and this especially for girls. Let
me tell you,
a sad thing about girls.
If you ask a lot of girls, I'll
tell you this is and this is even
for women, and I'm sorry, like, if I
trigger anyone here, may let me make it
easy for everyone, but we're trying to undo,
you know, we're trying to undo a lot
of the, miss you know, mistakes that we
made in the past. You know? But basically,
if you ask a lot of girls, even
if they're at the age of 13,
what is lovable about yourself,
or what do you like about yourself?
Do you know a lot of girls can't
tell you the answer to that?
If you're asking what's your positives, what would
you say are your top 5 positives?
A lot of girls can't answer that question.
That's not good.
It's it's that's where they that's what helps
them to have lack of self esteem because
they actually don't see that they've got anything
good about them. I've literally had people contact
me in the past and tell me there's
nothing good about me. I hate myself. There's
actually nothing good about me. They told me
that.
And so we have to understand that we
need to reflect back.
It's so important we reflect back to our
kids what we love about them. You know
what I love about you, Habibi?
You're this or. You know, I love this
about you.
You know what I mean? Like, focus on
that because, you know, especially, like, let me
tell you. I did fell into this too.
I fell into this too. Right? Especially the
girls. Okay. Just please, you have to try
it for yourself.
Wait till your daughter turns 13, everybody.
13 to 15.
Okay? Put your hand up if you ever
had a 13 to 15 year old. Yes.
So you know what I'm talking about. Alright?
So this is the time where you're gonna
have a lot of arguments with your daughter.
Alright? This is where you really, like, you've
gotta be careful because
they're gonna try you out, you know,
but you have to not do not lose,
sisters. Do not lose your positivity.
It's very hard not to. You have to
look after yourself well, but don't fall into
constantly criticizing them. It does not help them.
Okay?
They, you know, they need to hear what
they're doing right, what you love about them,
try to keep that up because that's what's
gonna turn them around turn them around eventually.
If you keep that up,
you know, just ride the tide. I was
I was telling her this to the other
day because
she was about to go through that with
her daughter.
I told her it's basically called ride the
tide.
Okay? You just need to ride the tide.
You know the age.
Okay?
So
we need to realize that in order for
our kids to be resilient
against the environment we live in,
it's so important that our kids feel really
loved and emotionally secure.
And that's why if there is a toxic
family environment
due to marital problems,
and and everyone's got some problems. I'm not
saying I'm talking about you're not talking about
major problems. Right? And kids being exposed to,
say, emotional abuse, things like that,
then it's it's really important we seek help
in order to avoid the negative effects
that can come on the children as a
result of that. Right?
Okay. And then the 5th point, and I'm
really finished inshallah.
So the 5th point is the importance of
community and environment, and you're gonna find this
as your kids get older. There's only a
certain amount of time that the kids are
very influenced by their parents and the the
family, but then once they reach around about,
you know, 12, 13, they're starting to look
outwards.
So this is where, you know, we are
so blessed. Honestly, we're so blessed in Australia.
We're so blessed in Sydney in particular
to have 1 of the best communities as
far as
so many supportive networks. Like we have so
many, you know, activities
and centers now which we did not have.
If you go back to 20, 30 years
ago, we did not have this. So we
have a lot more infrastructure today. Not saying
we haven't got more improvement to make, but
we have a lot more available now to
support, you know, to have that environment
to mix in and to,
you know, the basically a support network around
you.
And,
you know, as your kids get older,
you're gonna come to know how much you're
gonna need this, and you're gonna appreciate having
that community around you. Like, I know myself,
like, because, like, everyone, like, we were living
right in the middle of practically Lakemba. We
we did, but practically Lakemba, so everyone kind
of knew our family. We knew we always
attending the masjid, so everyone knows us for
the masjid.
My kids would go anywhere and they knew
everyone knew the masjid, so they couldn't really
get away with doing too much. And And
I'm sure,
sons have the same thing, you know, like
where
they really can't get away with doing too
much because everybody knows them, and and it's
just having that, you know, support network around
you, you know, having the aunties, the uncles,
all of that, you know, around them.
Okay. I'm gonna finish off, and then if
you want, we can talk even about the
subject of Hijra because I did try that
as well, but I won't talk about it
right now just because we're gonna finish off.
But let me finish off by saying
that the last point is, you know, you
need to seek constant help from Allah
You know, ultimately, this is a reality. We
can have the best
in the world. You could have read thousands
of book
on thousands of book on child reading. Right?
But ultimately, all success can only come from
Allah's This is what we have to realize.
Right? So this is why,
especially when you're in your sajda,
you know, always make that dua,
you know, for right for your children to
be righteous
and to that Allah makes them from amongst
even the leaders from amongst the, the beautiful
the beautiful dua, which says
So this this dua is,
oh, Allah bestow upon us
from our spouses
and our children
those which bring coolness to our eyes
and make them leaders for.
Make them leaders for those who have taqwa
and
consciousness and be weary of Allah.
So finally, my dear sisters realized
that whatever is happening,
it's all part of the plan of Allah's
virgin,
and we don't know what will come out
of it. But 1 thing I'm already seeing
personally
is people are waking up and realizing
they can no longer be complacent about raising
children like they used to.
And to be honest,
when I look at the upcoming generations of,
I actually believe that far more people are
now raising their their children upon the Quran,
sending them to Islamic schools
and classes and Islamic classes
than than ever before. You know, I see.
It's actually.
I I really have a lot of hope
for the upcoming,
generation. May Allah protect all of us and
protect our children. May Allah make all of
our children
from the saliheen
and make them a means to make du'a
for us insha'Allah
after we leave this life a legacy
and you know may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
raise us in the levels of Jannah due
to due to the dua of our children
and then asking for forgiveness for us when
we live this life.
May it may it protect us all.