Suzy Ismail – #29. AlHakam. The Judge.

Salam aleikum, it's nice to see you again as we continue to bring

the divine into the daily by understanding how we can

incorporate the characteristics of the 99 names of Allah subhanaw

taala into our daily lives, to improve our relationships with our

spouse and with our children. So the name that we're going to

discuss today is Al Hakim, which means the judge, we know that

Allah subhanaw taala is the most fair of all judges, the Most

Merciful of all judges, the most compassionate of all judges, yet

we as human beings, when we begin to judge, particularly our spouse,

or our children, we find that that form of judging can often be very

unfair. And we do this constantly on a daily basis. Often judging

our spouse may arise from our own insecurities. It may arise from a

place where we have experienced in our own childhoods, or in our own

families, an atmosphere of criticism, you know, there's the

common complaint that we'll often hear from youth in our counseling

center, where they may say, you know, I get a 95 on my test, and

yet I go home, and my parents will say, why didn't you get 100. And

although for many of us growing up, this may have been a method of

encouragement or a method, a system where parents were trying

to push us to do better, in reality, the outcome of that can

cause a great deal of damage to the psyche. And what winds up

happening is, we may implement that same form of criticism, in

the form of judging consistently with our spouse, or with our

children. And so we've talked in the past about how we need to

remember that when we point one finger like this, at some one,

there are three fingers that are pointing back towards us. And

that's an incredibly important element to keep in mind, when we

find ourselves falling into the pitfall of judging. So if we are

constantly criticizing our spouse, so for example, a husband who was

constantly telling the wife, you know, why did you cook this? I

don't like this. Why did you dress like this? I don't like the way

you're dressing. Why are you picking up the child in this way?

Why are you speaking in this way? Why are you doing this, if it's

constantly negative judging, this can also take a huge toll on the

relationship. And vice versa, if the wife kind of escalates or

several jokes all of the time about the idea of nagging. But if

that concept of nagging is actually rooted in a form of

unfair judgment, then that can also take a huge toll on the

relationship, if the wife is constantly pointing out flaws in

the husband's interactions, you know, why did you say this? Why

did you act this way? When my family came over? Why did you

interact with our friends in this way? Why did you make this

statement at work? Why did you do this with the laundry? Why did you

do this in terms of the cooking or the cleaning, and that constant

judgment can lead to someone wanting to shut down emotionally,

and not being able to connect with anyone, we find this reciprocated

in our children as well. If a child wants to come into the

kitchen, for example, and help immediately, many of us, you know,

as moms will react and say, Well, no, I don't want you to make a

mess, you're just going to mess things up, you're going to wind up

having more work to do. This in itself is also a form of judgment.

Now, we're not only critical with our spouse, and with our children,

but we're often very judgmental of each other as well. And this is a

huge flaw in our own math, where we find ourselves pointing fingers

at one another, and assuming the worst rather than the best. And

we're reminded by the Rasulullah, sallAllahu, alayhi wasallam. And

also in the Quran, that the best of us is the one who is able to

maintain in our hearts, no sort of rancor that we do not carry that

feeling of ill will towards our brothers and sisters in Islam,

because we are reminded that the best of us is the ones that are

best to our brothers and sisters that want for our brothers and

sisters, what we want for ourselves. So whether you're a mom

who is caught in the debate of staying at home is better than

working or working is better than staying at home. Whether you're a

father who was caught in the situation of being judgemental

about a friend's car or friend's lifestyle of friends, children,

whether you're a parent who tends to compare and judge children.

Recall that this is not for us to do that Allah subhanaw taala is Al

hakam. He is the fairest of all judges and does not for us to

judge one another. We should look internally and focus on ourselves

and how we can improve ourselves rather than constantly judging

others, whether that's our spouse, our children, or our friends, does

a Komodo hire. And I look forward to speaking to you again in our

next episode as we continue to bring the divine into the daily as

salaam alaikum.