Suleiman Hani – Reviving Family Traits #10
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AI: Transcript ©
So today, inshallah ta'ala, we are talking
about the family traits with a finale of
sorts.
And as we wrap up all these principles
and these traits that are mentioned by many
scholars by researchers from a number of different
resources, what we'll do inshallah ta'ala at
the end is we'll ask the practical question,
which is what are some examples that we
can all implement some examples, some activities that
every Muslim family should strive for, and apply
in a manner that is contextually suitable for
them.
So every family has its own dynamics, its
own situations, its own matters.
So we'll see how to apply inshallah ta
'ala.
And for that portion, for the last part,
inshallah ta'ala, we have actually my beloved
brother and guest tonight with us, Dr. Muhannad
Hakeem.
So he'll be joining us for some insights
inshallah ta'ala for that section.
Barakallah feekum.
Bismillah walhamdulillah wa salatu wasalamu ala rasoolillah wa
ala alihi wa sahbihi wa man wala.
We covered up to this point, all of
the different traits that we could, as a
summary, the individual traits that you want to
revive as a means of reviving goodness in
the world, as a means of benefiting the
ummah.
We moved on to the family characteristics.
We spoke about even those who are not
married, what are some of the things they
should keep in mind.
We spoke about the harmony between the husband
and the wife, both before marriage and during
marriage as an investment in terms of their
worldview.
We spoke as well about the importance of
recognizing the traits that Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala emphasized in the Quran for families, for
the husband and the wife, for example.
We spoke about muqadda and rahma, the unconditional
mercy that is ever present, even when there
are difficulties in a marriage.
And then lastly, what we want to cover
today, inshallah ta'ala, is the topic of
tarbiyah, the topic of parenting from several angles
inshallah.
The first is to emphasize once again, and
I'll go through these as a recap.
I know some of the lectures we covered
these before.
There is no greater sadaqah jariyah for most
people in this world.
There is no greater source of additional rewards
and benefit and ripple effects until the end
of times.
Obviously, we have three examples mentioned in the
famous hadith.
But one of the greatest examples that many
people are tested with and blessed with is
to have a child.
Not everyone is tested with that, not everyone
is blessed with that.
And in fact, if you look at just
the example of the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam,
you'll find Ummul Mumineen Aisha radiallahu anha, she
did not have any children.
And yet she is the most prolific female
narrator of hadith.
The sahaba used to go to her after
the Prophet salallahu alayhi wasalam passed away.
And Abu Musa al-Ashari radiallahu anha, he
said, we did not go to her with
a single question that we did not know,
except that she had an answer for it.
So her legacy was different than, for example,
Asmaa bint Abi Bakr radiallahu anhuma.
And so just because we are emphasizing today,
this angle of parenting, and the responsibility of
parenting and all of the different things that
parents can keep in mind, does not mean
that other people are missing something in their
journey towards Allah.
Everyone has their own test, their own contextualization
they can take from these reminders, inshallah.
This is one of many responsibilities.
First and foremost, the most pivotal thing, the
most important thing, there is nothing that starts
before this in the thought of having a
child for Muslims than to assume and desire
and strive for ensuring that that child loves
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala and is loved
by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
That that child knows that their very souls
that are now born into bodies in this
world, their very souls testified to the reality
that there is one God a long time
ago.
And it is the father and the mother's
responsibility to ensure that they are giving that
child everything that nurtures that fitrah, everything that
brings that fitrah, the natural disposition back to
where it was before.
That you testified, you know there is one
God.
Now the question of why and how is
the ongoing journey of parenting.
This is the pivotal aspect of raising a
Muslim child.
And oftentimes many parents think let's have children
for the sake of continuing our lineage.
For other people, it's the thought that I
want to have a child so I can
give my love.
For other people, it's a thought I want
to have a child so they can have
a good degree or a good career.
Some parents actually expressed in one of the
circles that we had.
A parent said initially before he started practicing
Islam properly or fully according to him.
He said initially his thought was I want
to have a child for a very selfish
reason.
I want to have a child so that
they will take care of me when I'm
older.
Now there's nothing wrong with that inherently.
But he said that was the only reason
that he wanted a child initially.
It wasn't that I want to raise a
good Muslim that revives khair in the Ummah.
I want to raise a Muslim that is
very strong, that benefits the world.
I want to raise a Muslim and I
also do want a sadaqah jariah.
So there are multiple possible intentions but they
cannot be complete from the Islamic perspective if
the initial primary intention is not I want
this child to be pleasing to Allah subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
That is the goal at the end of
the day.
Save yourselves and your families from the fire.
It's a command from Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala.
We ask Allah to allow us to fulfill
this command.
Allahumma ameen.
Of course there are people with way more
life experience than me here but I think
everyone who has seen any aspect of parenting
even for just a year or two as
a guardian, as a sibling, as a parent
yourself recognize that it is one of the
most exhausting ongoing acts of worship in this
world.
But one of the scholars, one of my
teachers, he actually once said he said if
you think about all the different streams of
sadaqah if you especially think investment wise and
you're trying to think financially what's good for
your akhira, he said that stream of one
righteous child outweighs all types of worldly things
that people spend way more time on.
And so if you recognize the goodness of
having a righteous child and what Allah offers
in return like reunion with your children in
Jannah, the goodness that comes from them, you
will be rewarded if they pass down any
goodness to their descendants and their descendants and
their descendants.
Imagine until the end of times all the
reward that you're getting.
And so when you think about this he
says as do many scholars Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala's generosity is explicitly clear in many
different things this is one of them.
To have a child that you raise upon
Islam, you do your best with, is one
of the greatest acts of worship.
Of course with this we say any ideology
and any philosophy in the world that wages
war against the idea of a family from
our perspective as Muslims or the presence of
a father or a mother, any ideology, any
worldview, any movement, whether it's past or present
or in the future, that wages war, wages
war how?
Sometimes it's not explicit, sometimes it's by devaluing
the presence of an active and present mother
or father.
Any ideology that does this is not in
agreement with Islam because Allah subhanahu wa ta
'ala emphasizes the role of parents.
The sahaba learned from the Prophet sallallahu alaihi
wasallam how important it is to be present
and compassionate and loving and so there is
nothing that replaces the one who is able
to in their family dynamics to be present,
the mother and the father.
There's nothing that can replace that.
There's nothing that is more valuable than that
and we ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
to us to fulfill this amanah.
I gave an example in the previous session,
we are together virtually, example of just one
person in the Qur'an, Luqman alayhi salam.
The example of just if you read the
Madani Mus'haf, an entire page of the
surah is just advice, different types of advices.
If you take a single one of these
verses of the Qur'an you will find
you can expound upon it with literally weeks
of lectures on each topic, every principle.
But what does this show us?
Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala honors someone by
the name of Luqman alayhi salam.
Some scholars say he's a very righteous man,
some scholars say maybe he was a prophet,
but all of them agree that he's mentioned
in the Qur'an for a reason and
one of the highlights of the surah is
the advice of Luqman alayhi salam, the principles
that he taught.
So if you look at what it means
to be a child you find, وَبِالْوَالِدَيْنِ إِحْسَنَةً,
we covered this already, to your parents be
honorable.
But if you want to see what it
means to be a good parent, you look
at the example of Luqman alayhi salam.
He's mentioned in a timeless revelation that all
Muslims have to recite until the end of
times, referencing his legacy alayhi salam and one
of the highlights is his role as a
father, his role in terms of advice.
So we learn a lot just from that
one example and how Allah raises your status
and your honor because of your fulfillment of
that religious obligation that your children have upon
you.
A third thing that we mention as a
principle is to treat children and to teach
them as well, to treat them as human
beings with the whole in mind.
The whole in what way?
That they are both souls and bodies.
We are souls created by Allah but we
are also paired with the bodies Allah gave
us temporarily in this world and it is
important therefore to emphasize to our children as
they grow with every age, the things that
the soul needs.
Why does your soul need to be nourished?
What are symptoms your soul is struggling, that
you're suffering with something?
The same way if the body is struggling
and they complain to their mom or their
dad, you take care of them, you give
them something, you help them out, you make
them feel better.
If there's some pain, you will notice yourself
feeling a certain way, talking about that pain.
So likewise, teaching them what it means to
have this body and the soul, this means
that at a certain age eventually, it is
the parent's responsibility first, the mother and the
father.
From the Islamic perspective, it is the parent's
responsibility to teach that child about their body
and what they will experience in their bodies
and what happens when they reach the age
of accountability, the age of puberty.
It is the parent's responsibility to make sure
that they are taught this information, whether they
have a teacher or somebody else, but it's
the parent's responsibility to teach your children that
as Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
gave you a soul and you are responsible
religiously, from that angle, you are responsible to
take care of the body.
These are things the body may experience in
this world, they are not filthy things, but
you can channel certain desires in a manner
that is pleasing to Allah.
If this is not addressed by the parents
and culturally the child takes from the parent
that this is something you can't address, it's
too sensitive or it's a filthy thing to
even talk about, they may start to actually
internalize problematic things and these things will show
up when they are adults, these things will
show up when they are married, these things
will show up later on in life.
So teaching them what it means to have
a soul, how do you take care of
it, what it means to have a body,
how do you take care of it, every
age that they go through, again appropriate for
that age of course.
The fourth principle is that of moderation, teaching
them not to become extreme in anything that
they do.
And extreme here not in the sense of
extremism and violence, no we're talking about any
type of extremism, that they are not going
far above and beyond and transgressing and this
can happen even with acts of worship, sometimes
children or when they get to the age
of 12, 13, 14, they're teenagers, they're developing
their identity, sometimes if they have like a
mentor or a group or something, you'll notice
if they become practicing very quickly, sometimes they
will think in their minds that doing something
is good and in fact it may be
problematic.
If adults made this mistake, then children can
too.
If the three adults, the three extremists who
made the mistake and said, I will pray
all night and not sleep, I will never
get married, I will fast every single day
of the year, the three men and the
Prophet ﷺ warned against this and he said,
I pray and I sleep, I fast and
some days I don't fast and I get
married, whoever strays from my sunnah, these teachings
is not following me, meaning this is not
Islam.
There is a transgression that can happen in
various ways.
Some scholars say from a psychological lens, this
also means teaching children not to become extreme
in their emotions, but that's not always an
easy thing to strike, especially if their parents
are not modeling it.
So according to a number of psychologists, one
of the most important aspects of moderation, emotionally
speaking, is to teach them what it means
to love their parents, to love friends for
the sake of Allah and not to transgress,
not to become extremely attached to the extent
that they are now affected, there's a detrimental
effect on them if something happens to that
friendship, as is the case for many children,
fluctuations in those relationships or somebody moves or
whatever it may be, that they are taught
what it means to have healthy friendship and
healthy companionship as well.
The fifth principle is, and related to the
last one, is to teach them how important
it is to recognize that Allah created every
single one of us with different personalities, but
this does not mean that we enable a
defective or negative trait.
What is a defective or negative trait?
We're people say, that's just the way I
am.
And what they actually mean is, I can't
change.
But what they are justifying is perhaps something
problematic, like they are lashing out and abusing
people saying, Oh, I know I can't restrain
my anger, I can't do anything about my
anger.
No, for some sahaba, their unique advice was
hold your anger, restrain your anger.
For other sahaba that came to the Prophet
for advice, he gave them advice unique to
them.
And likewise, the scholars say, of course, not
every child is the same and you can't
live through your children either.
And so you may have personality traits.
If we're talking about general personality traits, we
cannot assume that the first child and the
second and third are all going to be
exactly the same.
Some will excel in some areas and struggle
in others.
And it is the parents responsibilities to conceal
the weaknesses of their children and to help
them overcome them, not to embarrass them or
humiliate them or make them feel bad because
their sibling is doing this or doing that,
but rather trying to find the right way
in their language, in a way that they
relate to in that culture, in that era
that will help them to overcome the weaknesses
that they may have while not embarrassing them
or destroying their self esteem.
And it's something we have to keep in
mind.
May Allah protect us and our children.
The sixth principle is the importance of teaching
them the how of changing the habits that
they have, teaching them how important it is
that Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
gave you the ability, if you struggle and
you incline towards anger, and that's the way
you've been for many years, it doesn't mean
you don't have the responsibility to restrain yourself,
the reward might be better for you, greater,
that you restrain yourself might be a greater
reward for you than somebody who does not
struggle with a short temper.
But it's still required.
It's still something that we teach them the
how, how do you overcome this?
How do you overcome this specific issue you're
struggling with?
Rather than just criticizing, they are being given
solutions, they are being supported by their parents,
especially in the formative years of development.
And of course, the last principle, before we
delve into the next chapter, the last principle
is that of sabr, there is nothing greater
than gentleness and perseverance in anyone, in any
believer.
And that starts with the parents.
A lot of people in this country, and
I'm going to be very blunt here, a
lot of youth who struggle with their iman,
in this country and in this era, with
all that's going on of social media, all
the different things people are connected to that
their parents have no idea about, not just
here, but around the world, but especially here,
a lot of the struggles many youth have
in high school years that are hidden, that
come to surface in the college years or
onwards later on.
A lot of the struggles and disconnection they
have from faith is because of something bad
that their parents did in the name of
Islam.
And it was maybe cultural, it was maybe
a personality thing, it was maybe has nothing
to do with culture or religion.
It was just a shortcoming from the parents.
And sometimes it's disguised as Islam.
The problem with this is that some people
will make additional mistakes in justifying disconnecting from
Allah because of their families.
They will use that as an excuse.
And that's not an excuse.
The best thing that I heard in one
of the faith counseling session that I did
a few years back, a college student, basically
they said she left Islam, she has all
these problems, intellectual issues.
I'm like, I wonder what these intellectual questions
are.
I always wonder before talking to someone, what
was the issue?
Her father was so abusive.
Her father is extremely abusive.
And I asked for examples just to make
sure abuse is defined.
What exactly is abuse?
No, it's very, very abusive.
But then what's the worst part?
It was in the name of Islam.
The abuse was covered with what?
This is Islam.
And so for her, she's justifying certain things.
But now what happened here?
She said, I don't know who said I
left Islam.
I absolutely do not believe that what he
did has anything to do with Islam.
I know this.
So sometimes people will use this as an
excuse because of their weaknesses, or their shahawat,
or the trick of shaitan in a vulnerable
moment.
To say, okay, Muslims treated me badly, or
my parents treated me badly, and so they
disconnect.
But you know how to distinguish.
You should know that Islam says one thing
and Muslims do other things at times.
That if someone is doing something in the
name of Islam, and the religion is not
calling for this, you cannot use that as
a reason not to get closer to Allah.
Who are you going to blame on the
Day of Judgment?
Because once you reach the age of adulthood,
and you have choices to make, yes, some
choices will be more difficult.
Yes, there's no room for abuse in Islam.
There's no room for injustice.
And on the Day of Judgment, there is
a severe accountability.
And in this world, we are all, every
one of us, responsible to strive.
When we see an injustice to intervene, to
stop it, to change the situation for the
better.
It may be a relative, a local community
member, a family member.
We are required to help wherever we can.
At the same time, we have choices to
make.
And that's what Allah will hold us accountable
for.
What choice did you make?
You may have been wronged by a Muslim
or a non-Muslim.
Someone who goes to the masjid, someone doesn't
go to the masjid.
The point is, the question is, what did
you do?
And so this is a reminder for parents
and a reminder for every one of us
about the choices that we make.
I shared something very quickly at the end
of the virtual session that we had last
week.
And someone asked if I could recap just
the points very quickly.
I shared one thing and I left the
other thing for today.
And that's where we'll have Dr. Mohandad joining
us inshallah.
So what I shared last week, I'll go
through it very quickly.
What was it titled?
It was positive traits, positive traits that you
see in Muslim parenting.
These are taken from a number of experts
and scholars, researchers in parenting and psychology and
other areas of family dynamics.
And so I'll go through these very quickly
inshallah especially for those who are maybe taking
notes or maybe benefiting from the audio.
Number one is listening, receptive and active listening.
Receptiveness here is for the children to know
that their parents are actually present, that their
parents actually care what they are saying.
In the era of smartphones, unfortunately we have
to emphasize this more than any other era,
that parents are actually listening.
Now one of the studies found, a number
of psychologists told us, this is from their
practice, so it's not my area, but a
number of psychologists told us there's an even,
there's an even greater emphasis when it comes
to daughters, daughters in particular getting the attention
of their fathers, how important this is in
terms of that relationship.
It doesn't mean that it's not important for
sons or the mothers and the other children,
but it's just something they found in some
of their work and some of their studies.
So receptive listening from the parents.
Number two is making dua for them and
in front of them, not just behind their
backs.
And so unfortunately in many cultures, in the
Arabic culture as well, sometimes when children mess
up or they disobey their parents or they
made, they actually did something really messed up,
the parents will insult them or they'll make
dua against them to their faces, not behind
their back.
They'll make dua against them.
And so this becomes a cultural thing and
it becomes carried on and there's a cycle.
You see that it's carried on from the
parents or the children to their children to
their children, not realizing that sometimes the things
that we've normalized are actually problematic.
Make dua for your children, make dua for
them in front of them, not just behind
their backs.
A lot of children don't know how much
dua their parents make for them.
Number three, and by the way, this last
advice is an advice that applies to everyone
in the family.
Generally be someone who frequently makes dua for
others as they are talking to you, interacting
with you, texting you.
May Allah bless you, may Allah accept from
you.
Somebody got you a cup of water, may
Allah grant you the water of Jannah, may
Allah grant you this, the hold of the
Prophet.
Make dua for them as much as you
can, especially for their guidance and their character.
Number three is to treat children equally.
I think this is a given, like this
is known, but the reality is we still
have situations today where many people complain that
the parents treated one child in a very
different way, in a favorable way, and they
mistreated the other children.
This causes problems between them, the children, and
between the child and the parent.
And it actually, in a number of surveys,
it led to estrangement, cutting off of family
ties.
Obviously that's not justifiable, but neither is injustice
between one's children.
Somebody asked, does this mean I have to
give my 15 year old the same thing
I'm giving to my two year old?
No, it does not.
Something equitable for them, and that's where equity
comes in rather than equality.
The fourth is teaching children positive habits in
everything.
Like, you know, like the weirdest thing, I
always give this example, is when you see
like a five-year-old, I don't know
if there are any five-year-olds here,
five-year-old like a smartphone, and they're
walking around, and I'm like at the masjid,
I'm like, whose phone is that?
Oh, this is my phone.
Where did you get the phone from?
Baba gave it to me.
Is this your phone or Baba's phone?
This is my phone.
You look at the phone, and they're playing
games, they're opening up the internet, they're accessing
all these things.
I'm like, are you sure Baba gave you
this phone?
Like, is anybody in the masjid missing a
phone?
No, this child has an actual phone, and
the internet is open.
It's a very odd thing, because I think
we all recognize that this is very obvious,
but with every age, like a car, you
wouldn't give a car to a five-year
-old.
Giving a smartphone with open internet access is
worse than giving them a car.
It's much, much worse, because you could be
completely destroying their akhirah, exposing them to some
of the worst things on every social media
platform.
And so with every age, what they're given
of responsibility, they are taught by their parents,
this is how you use it responsibly.
And in the early years, the formative years,
there is way more supervision than in later
years.
And that's just the building of trust early
on.
One of the psychologists, Muslim psychologists, gave this
example.
She said a lot of girls go through
an age where they want to experiment with
makeup.
This is a common thing.
And so mothers, for example, might teach their
daughters, what is the Islamic ruling on makeup?
When are you allowed to use it?
How do you use it?
One can use it at home.
Rather than just saying no altogether, don't ever
touch it, don't ever use it, let them
figure out how to use it within kind
of like a sandbox, to use I guess
the IT term to within a safe environment.
This is the time to use it.
I have no idea why I use an
IT term.
I think I saw a couple IT brothers
here and I just threw that out.
Number five is to reason with the child.
One of the psychologists that we were speaking
to, they said oftentimes when parents get so
used to in their culture, like it's just
yes or no.
Right?
That's it.
Like you grew up and if your parents
said no, it's no, there's no like complication.
There's no philosophy.
There's nothing weird about no.
But we're in an era and sometimes in
cultures, where there needs to be reasoning at
a certain age.
And so they say sometimes give them, if
there's possibility, give them other options.
Give them something else.
We can't watch this thing right now.
But you know what?
Maybe we can watch something else later on,
if you do such and such and such.
Or, you know, reason with them with regards
to what it may be, but they have
to know the parents have the final executive
order.
Number six is to consult with them.
One of the things that they found in
a number of studies is children feel more
connected to their parents, more validation, more support.
Even if the parents don't follow the child's
preference in something that affects the entire family,
they like to know that their parents ask,
what do you think about this?
And of course, while you ask, it doesn't
mean that we will do what every single
person wants.
Now one child, I remember this in Hanapa,
one child blurt out while we were talking,
they blurted out and said, my parents are
constantly asking me, what do you think about
this and never taking anything that I say.
So I don't like that.
They said to the parents, like if you're
just going to ask for the sake of
asking, that's not what we intend by this.
Hear their perspective.
Maybe there's something interesting, something useful, interact with
it.
But of course, sometimes the children are offering
bizarre suggestions, so it may not apply.
Number seven is positive reinforcement.
There are a number of books and publications
about what this is.
In other words, a child returns home from
school and the mother hugs the child.
A child returns home from school with a
report card and the father hugs the child
instead of criticizing.
So letting them know that when they did
good, they did good.
A lot of people grew up in families
where the only time they hear from parents
is when the children have done really bad.
Why do you get an A-?
I've been getting 4.0s for the last
12 years.
It's my first A-.
Did anyone get an A in your class?
One person got an A.
Why was it not you?
And so like everything of good that they've
done, it's like it doesn't exist.
So they feel they can never meet the
expectations of parents.
Those who are laughing, I assume you relate
to this in some way.
I'm kidding.
So it's really important even from the side
perspective to explicitly communicate that.
And you find that in the time of
the Prophet ﷺ, culturally, some of the Arab,
some of the Arab, not all, thought that
for a father, for example, to express anything
of compassion and mercy is weird.
So, oh no, I've never shown mercy to
or kissed the forehead of any of my
children, one man said.
No, this mercy is actually a good thing
to communicate.
Some of the sahaba never told each other
as friends that I love you for the
sake of Allah.
And the Prophet ﷺ told the sahabi, go
and tell him you love him for the
sake of Allah.
So the communication of something that you find
positive is something that is even more crucial
in the family structure than anything else.
So communicate explicitly with your family members.
Now sometimes we say this and some people
say it's difficult for me.
I can't express emotion.
It's something that some people have to work
to overcome as an act of worship.
Think of it as an act of worship
inshallah.
Number eight is the respect we expect children
to learn amongst themselves and with their parents
actually is modeled by the parents.
So if their parents frequently use certain language,
children will follow.
If they see the mother and the father
interacting with respect, thank you and may Allah
reward you, may Allah bless you, please, like
these kinds of words obviously in every language,
every culture, these types of examples are modeled
and more impactful in the modeling than the
command.
So children see their parents with them and
with each other and this impacts them sometimes
more than what they say.
Number nine is to be consistent.
One odd thing that a psychologist said is
the inconsistent parenting where sometimes the father or
the mother, they're advocating for something for like
a year or two and then suddenly they
flip.
There's a completely different strategy methodology and nobody
like knew what changed or when.
So the family starts to feel a little
unstable, like the mood, the dynamics, the expectations.
It's not consistent parenting.
It's not consistent communication.
It's not consistency in anything.
The consistency helps the children psychologically.
Number 10 is to be involved in their
lives.
One of the worst things is when children
feel that their parents are invested in everything
outside of the home, in the news, in
other people, but not in the children.
And so as they are talking to their
parents and trying to communicate with them, get
their attention, it's just not there.
It's not present.
Number 11, we mentioned before sabr, patience and
perseverance, gentleness.
We learned from the Prophet ﷺ.
A lot of people say, like when it
comes to family dynamics, they say, well, this
is not what it is in my culture.
But if you want the ultimate role model,
you look to the Prophet ﷺ.
He never hit his family members.
He was so compassionate.
When he was present, they loved to be
around him.
He was not a source of like, some
people they say when like the mother comes
over, the father comes home, it's like everything
is bad.
Everyone's on edge.
Everyone's on eggshells.
Everyone's afraid.
It's very tense.
And when they leave, everyone feels relieved.
No, it's the opposite.
When the Prophet ﷺ was there, they felt
happier.
They love to be in his presence ﷺ.
Number 12 and the last two points here
is to build trust.
A lot of people say, stop telling children
what to do.
Just let them build trust and make mistakes.
And that's very irresponsible because at young ages,
they will make some mistakes that are very
damaging.
So it has to be built gradually.
And this means that for many children, their
smartphones are still turned into their parents rooms
up to the age of 16 and 17,
18 in our own communities here and other
places as well.
And the children understand why.
I mean, they're not children anymore.
They're, they're young men and women.
But they understand why they're on the same
page.
And they built that trust over the years.
And of course, a crucial point here, if
a child betrays the trust of the parent,
like you find out, oh my god, you
found a loophole.
I had this like this device or the
supervision, you found a way around it.
Most children will look for ways around it.
Most children are experts at finding ways around
like every loophole.
So teach them how to redeem themselves from
those struggles.
One of the funniest things I heard in
a halaqah, a father was telling us how
like how he was with his children.
He's like, man, these kids, I like I,
he's in IT.
He's like, I know everything about IT and
cybersecurity and how to block everything.
And they still find ways to get around
every single thing that we do.
And these are Muslim kids, they memorize the
Quran, they go to Islamic school, why are
they always looking for ways around every barrier?
And then somebody asked him one of the
brothers like, did you never like do that
in your life as a kid?
He stopped for a while.
And he's like, Oh, man, I used to
look for every loophole.
I used to look for excuses.
I used to hide things from him.
He's like SubhanAllah, like I'm looking at my
children.
The application is different.
The viewpoint is very different.
The technology is different.
But the practice is similar.
Teaching them transparently.
That you have to be willing to talk
to me about these things, you have to
be willing to talk about the prevent preventative
measures, the why are they there, instead of
looking for ways around it, you have to
really buy in, find out why these measures
are in place.
One of the best conversations I heard between
like two family members, not mine, but two
family members was talking about a device that
a 12 year old had, this device basically
had like some software on it, everything was
supervised, limited time, all that stuff.
And the the parent was asking the father
was asking the daughter, like, do you fully
understand like, why exactly this is in place?
Like, why is why is this so important?
Like, I need to know that you understand.
So they would talk about it frequently.
What are some of the potential issues you
see in your classmates or other people who
don't have any monitoring whatsoever?
What does it tell you about their parents
concern for them as well?
If like you see a 10 year old
in your class, and they have open access,
and they're looking up by doing schools, Islamic
schools everywhere else, they're on devices, and they're
looking up everything haram and on every single
app, like, it's like, why?
Why are we acting like it's not there?
It's so prevalent.
And so these children, when they are constantly
taught by their parents to talk about the
issues, the negative issues, the consequences, they feel
like they are buying into this preventative measure.
And that as long as you're transparent with
me, we'll continue to develop this relationship and
give you more and more accessibility to things
as you show your responsibility, because adults, adults,
if they are not responsible with the internet,
what about developing teenagers and children, may Allah
protect us and our youth.
And the last point, of course, be very,
very affectionate.
Be very loving, especially in this day and
age when a lot of people have people
around them, but they feel more lonely than
ever.
Be very present, very, very loving with your
children, very communicative as well.
And know that this mercy, even if it's
difficult to express is one of the most
protective measures for people in their personalities and
their identities.
And this is something we take from the
Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and how he was
with old and young, with family and with
community members.
Like who, who in the community could be
walking somewhere and young children could take him
by the hand and walk him in the
opposite direction, even though he's running, he's busy
running the entire ummah.
Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam, Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam
is very, very affectionate.
So showing the people that are around you
that you love them and care for them
and cherish them, especially children, might protect them
from looking for that affection somewhere else.
May Allah Subh'anaHu Wa Ta-A'la
protect us and our children.
Allahumma Ameen.
What we'll do as we delve into this
next chapter, we're going to go through the
opposite list, the negative things that we want
to avoid.
InshaAllah ta'ala, I want to actually invite
our dear brother, Dr. Muhannad Hakim, for this
session to join me, bismillah ta'ala.
And maybe as we go through some of
these points, he can share some perspectives as
well and some facets of the discussion.
InshaAllah ta'ala, as we go through this,
we'll conclude with a practical chapter, which is
what are some things every Muslim family should
strive to have in their day-to-day
and week-to-week experiences, inshaAllah ta'ala.
Dr. Muhannad, if you could join us, barakallahu
fikum.
Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
Dr. Muhannad, by the way, needs no introduction.
An older brother, a slightly older brother, alhamdulillah,
Rabbi Ameen, a community member, and he moved
to Lebanon, back to Lebanon where his parents
are and family is, alhamdulillah, and shares a
lot of his experiences online.
And I hope some of you are able
to follow his publications and his writings because
I personally benefited a lot from it.
Alhamdulillah, Rabbi Ameen, we've had a lot of
community members benefit as well.
And also, of course, this topic of parents
and family, things like that.
Actually, Dr. Muhannad is writing on this topic
and he's taught it many times, so I
think this will be very timely and relevant,
inshaAllah ta'ala.
If you want to share anything before we
start, Sheikh.
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu.
Astaghfirullah, don't say that.
Allah bless you, Sheikh Suleiman.
I just wanted a few pointers.
The first pointer is that sometimes children could
be our biggest test in life.
When Allah, Subhanahu wa ta'ala says in
the Quran, وَعْلَمُوا أَنَّ مَا أَنْوَالُكُمْ وَأَوْلَادُكُمْ فِتْنًا
وَأَنَّ اللَّهَ عِنْدَهُ أَزْرًا عَظِيمًا And know that
your wealth and your children are nothing but
a fitna, a test.
SubhanAllah, kids and children are a test whether
we get married or we don't get married.
They are a test whether we are blessed
with children or we're not blessed with children.
They are fitna whether they, SubhanAllah, survive us
or don't survive us.
Prophet Muhammad, salallahu alayhi wa sallam, his zikr
fitna is that he buried most of his
children in his own life, SubhanAllah.
And some of them died at a young
age.
We know we have one family here in
this community who were tested with this test.
Not all of us are tested with the
same test, SubhanAllah.
And we remember we make dua for the
deceased child.
May Allah bless the family, the father and
the mother, InshaAllah ta'ala, with the reward
of Al-Firdaws.
And remember that, SubhanAllah, ash-shiddu al-nasi
bala'ahna al-anbiya'a thumma al-amthala
fal-amthal.
Those who are tested the most are the
prophets.
And then those who are not alike, then
those who are alike.
So, SubhanAllah, when we're talking about this, those
of us who were tested with different tests,
such as lack of children or maybe disobedient
children, sorry, I'm coming with all kinds of
what I call bad news.
They are not bad news.
They are different news.
Again, it's a different test.
If somebody of us have children, it does
not mean their test is different, SubhanAllah.
We had also last week, two young men
died in our community.
One of them was 9, one of them
was 25.
You hear all these stories, and we have
to understand, remember that our presence in this
life, this life is all fitna.
And it's just one fitna over the other,
one type of test over the other.
That was something that I just always remember
this.
And I always, when I started doing life
coaching recently, and one of my clients, he
lost his iman completely because he thought that
when he was going through a divorce, he
thought that he would lose custody over his
daughter, and he loved that daughter literally to
death.
So his iman was based around that.
If he would pray in the past, this
can create emotional attachment to the daughter.
And when he thought, when he assumed that
the salat or the dua is not working,
he lost his iman completely.
So we had to ask him, what is
your definition of this life?
Do you think this life is jannah?
As Sheikh Rahman mentioned, the only real reunion
between family, children, and parents is in jannah.
But before that, some of us could be
tested with the test of Ismail, the test
of Ibrahim, the test of Ismail.
So let's keep that in mind.
Let's remind ourselves that we don't own our
children.
We don't own our children.
And subhanAllah, something strange about this life, the
more we detach from something, the more Allah
fixes that for us.
Like we will live a better life if
we prepare for that.
We will live a more fulfilling life if
we understand that our marriage will be a
better marriage if we understand that if we
don't have this over-attachment with our spouse
in an abnormal way, subhanAllah.
So if you understand this, subhanAllah, I think
many things about parenting, if we understand we
don't own them, then we realize, after all,
if I've done my best and my kids
are still, subhanAllah, going the wrong path, then
I've done my best, I cannot control them.
I don't control the outcome, I just have
to focus on the process.
So that was my only comment.
Although, mashAllah, there's a lot of interesting points,
Sheikh, that you have made.
InshAllah, we'll leave it maybe to the other
actionable items.
JazakAllah khairan, Sheikh.
Here's what we'll do.
I'm going to go through the list of
ten things, according to researchers, parenting experts, obviously
from the Islamic lens here, that are problematic,
negative things.
And so, this way, if we find these
negative things prevalent in our practices or cultures,
we can be more wary, inshAllah ta'ala.
So I'll go through, for example, the first
three.
Very quickly, I'm going to ask Dr. Muhanna
as well, if he has some insights on
perspective and angle of story.
By the way, Dr. Muhanna didn't know I
was going to ask him for this.
So this is like raw, inshAllah ta'ala,
feedback and thoughts, bismillah ta'ala.
The first, according to a number of researchers,
a number of studies, is actually excessive screaming
and yelling at children.
Excessive screaming and yelling at children sometimes makes
the parents feel better, because it's a matter
of authority and control.
But actually, it's not been proven to be
more positive for children in their development over
time.
It's not been proven to be more positive.
It actually increases the stress of the parents,
and especially children at a very young age.
We're not talking about just the concept of
raising one's voice.
We're talking about excessive screaming and yelling that
is very common in some places.
Related to this, number two is hitting.
From the Islamic perspective, we say this many
times, and then somebody brings up the same
hadith every single time.
It's the hadith of salah.
You say, wow, I thought we were supposed
to beat our children.
Who said beat?
How do we translate these terms with the
context and everything else and say beat?
It's like when people take the ayah from
Surah An-Nisa.
We thought Muslims are supposed to beat their
wives.
What are you talking about?
The Prophet, salallahu alayhi wasalam, did he ever
do that?
He was literally, he was defined as what?
A walking example, a reflection of the Qur
'an.
Did he ever hit his wives or his
children, salallahu alayhi wasalam?
He did not.
And the Prophet, alayhi salatu wasalam, exemplified everything
of the Qur'anic teachings, by the way.
All morality of goodness, the Prophet, salallahu alayhi
wasalam, had it.
And Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, testified to
that.
وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَى خُلُقٍ عَظِيمٍ So when people say
this, they misunderstand.
There's a very important point when it comes
to salah here.
The children are being taught in that culture
as well.
Keep this in mind.
They're being taught to pray, way before they
are required to pray.
They're being taught how to pray.
And also, I'm just emphasizing this as I
have for all my previous sessions.
Teaching the what, the fiqh, the how, is
important.
But if it's not combined with the why,
why do we worship Allah?
The aqeedah, the worldview from a young age,
people get very confused.
And I don't mean confused because you weren't
clear in how to pray.
I mean confused because later on when they
run into questions that are very prevalent in
this society, questions that in fact this society
encourages people to ask, the skepticism that is
very prevalent, the postmodernism, the watering down of
truths as all equally valid.
So if there's no aqeedah, if there's no
why, and I mean here is just the
basic concept of aqeedah, oneness of God, the
attributes and names of Allah, nothing complicated, no
movement based, nothing manhaj based.
It's very straightforward.
Who is your Lord?
Why did He create you?
Why are we here?
Why do we pray?
What's the importance of salah?
Why on earth are the parents telling the
child to pray on time, five times every
day?
So knowing the why is as crucial.
As for hitting and beating and all of
this, it's not mentioned in any hadith.
The only hadith that mentions disciplining a child
with something physical is the hadith about salah.
And most scholars say there has never been
an indication that this is the type of
hitting that is more than emotional than physical.
Meaning there is no such thing as beating
someone, bruising someone, punching someone.
And also this was very common in Arabia
in terms of the discipline of children.
And this was not just common by the
way.
This was reformation for what they used to
do to children.
This reformed what people actually did to their
family members.
And the third related to what I had
mentioned before is ignoring.
Completely neglecting the presence of the child.
The child is looking for attention and as
many parents say to people with younger children,
you know sometimes the child wants all your
attention when they're like very, very young.
But as they get older and older and
older and older, a day will come in
which you'll feel like they don't want any
attention from you whatsoever.
So cherish the time in which they do
desire attention.
Be present, be very there for them.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala protect
our children and protect us and guide us
as well.
Allahumma ameen.
Allah sheikh.
Sometimes we hear the same hadith and we
focus on the act or the fact of
we can beat our children.
But we forget for example the idea that
Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alaihi wasallam is giving us
important milestones in the life of a child
which is 7 years old and 10 years
old.
So one thing that we did with our
kids is that we don't celebrate birthdays.
I'm not saying celebrating is haram.
That's another thing.
But we don't celebrate.
We celebrate achievements.
We don't celebrate birthdays.
With the exception of the 7th birthday and
the 10th birthday.
And that's what we call it the Salahbration.
That's a joke.
It's a Salahbration, Salah party.
And technically, so we're celebrating that Abdurrahman, now
you're 7.
So now you're in an age where we
have to remind you about Salah.
Allahu Akbar.
And then it's all themed about Salah.
And so we try to make a big
deal out of it.
So subhanallah, it's the same hadith.
Somebody could use this as an excuse that
yeah, I can hit him or her if
they don't pray.
I can hit him or her if they
don't, and then we can extrapolate to other
things.
So the idea also about hitting at age
10, technically imagine the parent who never commanded
their children to do any Salah.
And imagine how many times that parent should
remind their children about Salah.
So between ages 7 to 10.
You have 3 years, right, if you do
the math.
And then you have 5 Salawat per day.
Multiply this by 365.
Multiply this by 3.
Imagine how many times this parent should remind
their child in a very nice way, without
any abuse, without making Salah unappealing to them.
So if that parent really did all of
these reminders, thousands of reminders, and then that
child did not comply, then you can maybe
escalate.
But most of us really take shortcuts.
Most of us really have another agenda in
the name of the hadith.
Subhanallah.
The last thing I want to share, and
this may sound as disagreeing with Sheikh Suleiman,
every house, we have our non-negotiables.
Like our children, if they decide not to
wake up for school, then the real parent
will become a parent.
That's another Amr Joub.
So all of us, we have our non
-negotiables.
Kids don't get to brush their teeth or
not brush their teeth.
We don't, by the way, teach them why
they brush their teeth.
We tell them, you have to do it.
So all of us have a series of
commands.
And what the hadith is telling us, Salat
is one of them.
Salat is non-negotiable.
Of course, we teach the why, and we
reason, and we take them to halaqas, Islamic
classes, what have you.
But also, I think the hadith is showing
us that a Muslim household is disciplined by
nature.
We have five anchors in the day.
And the Muslim household does not start at
the time to go to school or time
to catch the bus or what have you.
Yes, homework is important.
Going to school is important.
But Salat comes first.
So that was just the comment.
Although, mashallah, there's a lot.
That was a lot of Amr Joubs, right?
I wasn't ready for that.
Number four is fighting in front of children.
Fighting in front of children.
Obviously, I think this should be obvious, but
at times it's not.
According to a number of studies and a
number of psychologists, when parents fight in front
of their children, especially when it becomes heated,
for many children, in these studies, in these
surveys as well, for many children, their mind
jumps to worst-case scenario.
Their mind jumps to something much worse than
what the parents understand is happening.
And so fighting in front of the children
is not a healthy thing.
And even from the Islamic perspective, it's not
seen as a wise thing, that there's a
lot of tension.
So they don't see mawadda and rahma, they
see the opposite of this.
And so, obviously, this requires some restraint.
If there's a heated situation, that the mother
and the father know to talk in private.
The husband knows to talk to the wife
somewhere else about this situation.
Sometimes that's difficult.
Sometimes you don't have that space.
Sometimes you don't have that time.
But this is something that is important to
keep in mind when it comes to the
impact on the children.
Number five is not supporting the children.
Again, we emphasize this many times.
Here, specifically in the teenage years, not supporting
them to discuss the decisions that they are
trying to make.
Now, some people say, no, I'm more authoritarian,
and I want my children to be very,
very disciplined.
And you know what?
They might come out with really good scores
and grades and get a great career and
do well in their memorization school and all
that.
Alhamdulillah.
But sometimes teaching them how to make choices
and how to have alternatives may help them
in their actual decision-making.
Because if they make a mistake with something
small that's supervised and controlled, you can then
advise.
This is why I wasn't recommending it, but
you chose that option, for example.
Again, something that is permissible here.
The sixth is, generally speaking, is anger.
The strong one.
The strong one is not the one who
can just win every wrestling match.
So even if you're like 29-0 in
a professional fighting sport or wrestling or whatever
it may be, if you're the greatest in
the boxing ring, it doesn't really matter here.
Prophet ﷺ is defining the strong man.
Obviously, when we talk about strength here, yes,
the hadith was about specifically the concept, the
analogy of wrestling.
This applies to the anger that a man
or a woman may have.
The strong person is the one who controls
himself or herself when they are angry.
They think before they speak.
I gave the example of Imam Ahmad, rahim
Allah.
Somebody said to him when they heard that
he did not argue with his wife for
40 years.
This is after she passed away.
40 years, you never got into a fight.
Like a fight, obviously, you'd have to define
what is a fight in your family.
Every marriage is different.
So some people like a very light back
and forth is like a fight.
Some people, a fight is like physical.
Allah ﷻ protect all the families and guide
us all to the best of actions.
How did you never fight for 40 years?
He said, when I was angry, she was
quiet.
When she was angry, I was quiet.
Now, we're like, okay, is that realistic to
do for 40 years?
Conflict resolution is its own mastery.
Conflict resolution is something that impacts every relationship.
And it's something, honestly, if you struggle with
anger and relationships, whether family or others, I
highly encourage you and advise you to invest
time in this.
Think of it this way.
It's something you need for the rest of
your life.
But the study aspect, the initial study is
a few hours.
The initial study is a few courses.
The initial study for some people may be
therapy, may be anger management.
But it's something you invest in now that
you'll benefit from for decades, inshallah ta'ala.
So this is something to keep in mind
when it comes to anger.
And the seventh point and the last one
I'll mention now and then hand it back
to Dr. Muhannad is being excessively negative.
I'm not just talking about criticism.
Criticism for some people in some cultures is
the default for the parents.
And for some cultures, like one other brother
says, it's the default for the father to
be the critical one.
I'm like, what does that mean?
Like you guys play good cop, bad cop
with your kids?
Like the mom is always nice, the dad
is always evil.
How does that work?
And for some people, it's the opposite.
That's the other way around.
Okay, jazakallah khair, now we know.
So the interesting thing is the question of
why this happens.
Some people say it's because of a sense
of control.
Some psychologists say it's a sense of control
and authority and expectation.
And of course the parent is not, this
is not a malicious thing.
We're talking about a parent whose thought is
what I want the best for my son
and daughter.
And if I'm not strict on them, if
I don't criticize their shortcomings, they are not
going to work harder.
They're not going to be better.
But here's where sometimes there is a cultural
shift from one city to the other, from
one country to the next, that in some
countries, a child grows up in a different
environment than their parents, or in the same
country but with evolving cultural trends and values
and technology, and they may completely misunderstand where
the parent is coming from.
Because to them, that criticism is a destruction
of their self-esteem.
To them, that criticism is like you're just
constantly putting them down.
They are never good enough for you.
The Prophet ﷺ did not make people feel
like they weren't good enough, by the way,
even when they had shortcomings.
And I'm not talking about religious obligations.
But it was mentioned in one hadith by
Zayd r.a, and the Prophet ﷺ never
asked him why he didn't do something.
We may find that to be shocking.
Like a husband and wife may say, Oh,
why did you do this?
Or why didn't you do that?
To the child, why did you do this?
Why did you not do that?
It's a very common thing.
The Prophet's ﷺ emotional intelligence was on another
level.
In fact, that is the bar, that is
the litmus test for people to study and
understand emotional intelligence.
So when it comes to criticism, a lot
of people, especially teenagers, a lot of people
don't like to be criticized because it's seen
and perceived psychologically as a subtle form of
control.
I'm not good enough as I am.
I'm never good enough because I'm always criticized.
So essentially, there's no sense of completion.
My identity is not free or complete.
Everything I do is a problem.
And this is very problematic for their mental
health.
This is problematic in the household.
And so a lot of psychologists emphasize some
parents try to control their teenagers with the
way that they feel.
They tell them, feel this way.
That doesn't just change an emotion.
They tell them, behave this way.
That doesn't immediately change a habit you're convinced
of.
Or they try to control how they think,
their thought process.
So when we talk about criticism, we distinguish
in Islam between criticism and giving advice, and
giving advice, of course, includes parents giving advice
to their children.
And so this may be like one mother,
she said in a previous lecture, she said,
I used to criticize my daughter all the
time for how she dressed, and I realized
I was just approaching this in a very
harsh way.
I started telling her, I like your options,
but let's go shop for something different together,
and I'll show you what some better options
are.
I started explaining some of the details of
why she was criticizing previously some of the
things.
Now, some people may see this and say,
that's so ultra-sensitive, you're raising sensitive kids.
We are living in a sensitive time.
We are living in a sensitive culture.
So whether or not we like it or
we grew up in it does not affect
how others are perceiving it.
It's like the languages of love.
You may say, I hate receiving gifts.
Your spouse loves receiving gifts, and so you
want them to be happy.
It's not about you, it's about them.
You're doing something for them.
So the same goes for parenting here.
Showing them your concern is a starting point.
What does that mean, just to clarify one
more time?
And I know we're all on the same
page, but these have to be clarified so
there's no misunderstanding in what I'm saying as
well.
Showing them that the reason I'm saying what
I'm about to say is, I really love
you and I care for you.
When it starts with that flattery and that
expression of concern and love, not only will
it impact the child's receptiveness, but also it
may change the way the parents are about
to deliver the message.
This is coming from a place of concern.
This is coming from a place of protectiveness.
And this is why if someone's child does
something bad in public, and the parents get
angry, and then tell the child later at
home, you embarrassed us in front of the
people.
The son and daughter think, what, you just
care about what the people say.
You care about what people are perceiving.
You don't actually care about me.
Like based on what you're saying, you feel
embarrassed for you.
Not because I did something right or wrong.
So emphasizing here, I care about you.
And obviously following through with action.
Sometimes remembering the formula some psychologists say, an
excessive amount of criticism, an excessive amount for
many years, can lead to an excessive amount
of rebellion.
It's not justified, but it's sometimes the byproduct
of it.
So we're understanding where it may be coming
from.
May Allah protect us and our children.
Allahumma ameen.
I'll hand it to Dr. Mohamed to share
some thoughts as well.
So I did the math, assuming that kids
will have an argument with their parents six
times a day.
So we have five daily prayers.
Imagine how many arguments if we have six
arguments per day.
In my household, we do way more than
six.
So I stopped counting.
We need a math teacher.
So anyway, so the math, this will be
around 2200 arguments every year.
So imagine when our kids, let's say, when
they are in the tamiz, like seven, up
to 17, 18, imagine how many arguments they
are having always.
So arguments are part of life.
I don't know about Imam Ahmad bin Hanbal,
but arguments are part of life.
And we have to remember that technically, I
know it's easier said than done, but I
always try to remind myself that my kid
is a mirror of me.
That's why most of our kids look like
us.
So they will model the way I am
arguing with them.
So in a sense, it's like you get
what you pay for.
You get what you invest for.
So you either pay for it now or
later.
So I try to reason.
I try sometimes to be firm.
Sometimes I yell.
It gets maybe not to the extent Suleyman
goes.
But I always try to remind myself that,
subhanallah, I am planting all of this in
my child.
Another way that helped me a lot, and
that's part of our productive Muslim mindset, we
call it, okay, how can we minimize the
reasons?
How can we control our emotions?
If you try to control the actions of
not arguing, this won't help.
Maybe it's better to go deeper and look
at maybe the emotions or the mindset that
we look and see the word through.
I'm going to leave you with this, which
is called the gardener mindset.
So there's two ways.
There's the gardener parent and the carpenter parent.
Let's start with the easy model.
The carpenter parent or the engineer parent.
No offense to any engineers out there.
But the parent who's trying to over-engineer
their kid's future.
They specify that my kid has to go
through this school.
This is how I want my son or
daughter to be.
They are carpenters in a sense.
A carpenter who's trying to design a table,
a chair, a closet, they have clear definitions
of success.
That's how success looks like.
If that table or chair is one inch
more or less, or different specs, what's going
to happen?
Useless.
You send it to a liquidation store or
what have you.
A carpenter has a clear definition of success,
and they get agitated if there's no quality
control or what have you.
That's a carpenter.
When it comes to life, to anything that
relates to human beings, being a carpenter, you're
setting yourself up for disappointment.
Because your expectations are very unrealistic.
Instead, we talk about gardener parents.
There's a book actually about this.
The gardener parent will plant the seeds, will
make sure that the seed is planted in
the right soil.
They understand the environment.
They understand that there should be watering the
seed, taking out the weed, making sure that
there's sunlight.
You can draw the analogies about all of
this.
But at the end of the day, the
gardener understands that the fruit of that seed
is in the hands of Allah.
That's why we see that most of those
who live in rural areas are more connected
to God.
So in a sense, a gardener understands that
it's Allah who brings the fruits of our
work.
So every seed that we sow, we have
to understand it's Allah.
So sometimes a gardener parent, a parent who's
connected to Allah, has to really let go,
again, of that carpenter mindset.
Because many times when I behave as a
carpenter, I'm telling you my kids can tell
it, can see, can notice.
And all of us are trained sometimes, are
again modeling whatever happened from our parents.
And that's why the key word here I
heard today from some of our teachers is
self-awareness.
Try to be aware, not only for my
actions, what was happening in my mind when
I was saying, when I was expecting.
Again, wallahi, yajama'a, Sheikh Suleiman shared a
lot of insights on the behavior, but the
behavior starts with a mindset.
It starts with goggles that we see the
world.
If we are trying to see our kids
in a certain way and we are over
-engineering their life, wallahi, we will disappoint, they
will disappoint us because there's a lot of
expectations.
Instead, let's look at them as we're planting
the right seeds.
And by the way, the gardener focuses on
the process, not on the outcome.
Process, not outcome, inshallah.
And at the end of the day, Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala, they are in this
test as much as we are in this
test.
It's not that we have figured it out.
We are also a work in progress.
We're still, subhanallah, working on ourselves.
So I hope that this makes sense.
I ask Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala to
help us all, inshallah ta'ala, plant the
right seeds of iman and faith and righteousness
in our children.
Jazakumullah khair, Sheikh.
And you want to make someone else?
Last two points, inshallah.
Okay, so the last point we said was
eight.
I know some people were taking notes on
their phones.
I just want to make sure I get
through.
Eight was public humiliation.
Number nine is comparing kids to each other.
Comparing kids frequently to each other actually creates
some problems between them and between them and
the parents as well.
Sometimes there's animosity that shows up later.
Number ten, and perhaps one of the most
important, is spoiling them.
Spoiling them.
And what's interesting about this, to summarize thousands
of pages of research, kids are very smart,
and especially at a certain age, they can
start to sense how much control they have
in that relationship with parents.
We know this, everyone knows this.
Whoever dealt with a child knows.
From a very young age, they can start
to know when they push their boundaries, how
much they can get out of mom and
dad.
And they know which parent to go to
for what issue.
So they'll go to the mother or the
father, and they'll go to the mother back,
and the father said this, are you sure
he said that?
So they know what they can demand.
What's interesting about this concept of spoiling, a
lot of parents feel like they don't want
to lose their children, or disappoint their children,
or feel like they're not loving enough to
their children, or they're not giving them something
that maybe they thought is an expectation or
something they are entitled to.
But what starts to happen, psychologists say over
time, is you start to become weaker as
a parent in a relationship.
Weaker not in the sense of you being
the parents, but you actually having full control
as a parent.
The child stops obeying the parent.
I'm not talking about a blind obedience.
But they stop respecting the parent as much.
They start controlling the parent more, and the
parent basically having that authority.
What's interesting here is this example.
A child goes to the mother or the
father, and they say, Mama, Baba, if I
do this assignment, or this chore, or this
ibadah, will you give me $20?
This is a common one, right?
Okay, everyone's like no.
Of course, Alhamdulillah, we're on the same page.
The parent should say, according to a number
of experts, the best response is, no, you're
not getting the money for something you have
to do.
It's something you have to do.
If you need $20 for something, we can
talk about what it is later on, and
I'll give you the money.
But it's not going to be tied to
something you must do.
Non-negotiable, it's something you have to do.
What's amazing here, is when the secular and
the religious are brought up.
Like secular, and I mean here like full
-time school.
Now, for many people, Alhamdulillah, they understand the
dangers of secularity, and how it's embedded in
the public education system, and how flawed public
education system is in general.
So, when the child says, or the child
cannot say, but if the child says, I
don't want to go to school anymore, like
for the rest of my life, you won't
take that seriously.
Nobody would.
What are you talking about?
You have to go to school.
You're in sixth grade.
You still have six more years before college.
It's non-negotiable.
We don't think twice about it.
It's like there isn't like, you know what,
let's reason, let's see.
It's non-negotiable.
You might explain to your child why, but
you will never twice think about like, is
there really another option?
Like they don't have to go to school
anymore after sixth grade.
It's not an option.
When the religious comes up, I don't want
to memorize Quran.
I don't want to go to halaqa.
I don't want to do this and that.
You know what, don't force this thing upon
them.
It is negotiable.
So, why is this negotiable and the other
is not?
As soon as something becomes negotiable, they start
to know what?
It's always going to be negotiable.
And if you backtrack later, it's seen as
an odd thing.
What do you mean?
You never forced me to go to this
program before.
I don't want to go to this program.
The reality is not, I'm not getting into
the details of the how and the why.
The reality is the authority that the parent
is exemplifying to the child is found through
these subtle everyday questions, these everyday examples.
And so, when you give the child something
that they are not actually entitled to, like
when you spoil a child, it doesn't actually
make them love the parents more.
And that's something a lot of parents don't
know.
It doesn't make the child love the parent
more.
They love the parent more for the thing
that the parent gave them and when the
parent prevents them from that thing in the
future, they will become angry, disobedient, and have
problems with their parents.
And we see this in a lot of
children who are extremely entitled and spoiled.
And so, when you give them, it is
based off of certain times, certain occasions, certain
guidelines, certain conditions, but it's not something they
are entitled to.
And we all recognize that an entitled child
is not good for the world.
An entitled child is not good for the
parents.
An entitled child is not good for the
ummah.
We're talking about reviving the ummah.
We want to raise children who understand self
-discipline, the benefit and blessing of hard work,
the benefit of working for something, of respecting
their parents, of also having kind of that
give and take after a certain age.
Wallahu ta'ala alam.
What I want to do because we want
to wrap up here.
I'm just going to mention five things very
quickly and ask Dr. Muhannad for his advice
as well.
What are some activities every Muslim family should
strive for?
Again, every family is different, different dynamics, different
age groups, different situations, there's sometimes single father,
single mothers, but general principles.
The first is to recognize that a child
cannot have Islamic tarbiyah in just one Islamic
school.
You cannot throw them in one halaqah and
say, fix my child.
You cannot wait until they are much older
and say, please, Dr. Muhannad, please, sheikh so
and so, my child is just completely straying
from Islam.
And then you ask, how many years have
you taught them of Islam?
And like, what do you mean years?
I just want them now to start going
to this halaqah.
I told them to pray.
I told them to wear hijab.
Is that not enough?
I told them who God is.
I can just worship Allah.
He's one.
We're not Christians, we're Muslims.
So, there weren't many things in terms of
literacy, in terms of proficiency.
A child goes through public education for 12
years.
They are according to the state standards, they
are completing all the core requirements for math,
geometry things requirement.
You have to study biology, you have to
take world history, you have to take American
history in this state, in this country.
But then you look at Islamic literacy, and
it's like first grade, second grade level.
It's because all they were given is like
Sunday school once like every few years when
the child wanted to go, when the parents
felt like there was time.
So, if they don't have much literacy in
it, it's something that will affect them later
on.
And in fact, they don't know.
They can't be responsible to make that choice
at a young age.
That's where the parents have to recognize this
amanah.
The second advice for practices of the parents
is to make sure that the parents are
role models inside the house, not just outside
the house.
And so, this means don't just drop them
off to the masjid for the halaq on
the program.
Go with them to the masjid.
This means don't just drop them off to
Quran programs and they never see you reading
Quran.
You know, some parents told us in this
community and other places, mashaAllah, the parents memorize
the Quran, and they review all the time.
But never once is that in front of
the children.
Because it's while the children are in school,
it's the only break that they have.
It's when they're asleep and the parents want
to pray qiyam.
So, like my children think I don't read
Quran.
So, it's good to show them in front
of them.
Like this is something I'm telling you to
do, but I'm also, I believe in it.
It's important.
The third is a family gathering.
And the gathering is not always educational.
It's social.
It's educational.
It's emotional.
It's building bonds.
It's tarbiyah.
It's playing.
Alhamdulillah.
So, it's basically the parents actually spending quality
time with their children, building those foundations.
I do believe personally in this era with
all the problems people struggle with intellectually and
philosophically and emotionally and temptation-wise, the parents
need to also be present when it comes
to the educational aspect.
Like they need to be invested in some
kind of family halaqah.
Some kind of weekly gathering, if not daily.
Some hadith that they study, some book that
they go through.
And there are some books that you'll hear
about today inshaAllah ta'ala as an example.
But I genuinely mean this is one of
the things that children take into their parenting
as they become parents.
And so, an example of this is أذكار
الصباح والمساء.
The morning and evening supplications when children are
taught at a young age, not only in
school but with their parents.
That these are things we have to do
as a family, or these are things you
have to learn.
They end up taking these practices inshaAllah ta
'ala into their own lives, into their own
practices as well.
And the last point that I will share
is fasting together, and making dua for one
another, forgiving one another, being compassionate as well.
There are many other things we can emphasize,
but I'll stop here for the sake of
time and ask Dr. Muhannad to share some
final advice inshaAllah.
So, I'm gonna just give you one image,
one image please that will summarize a lot
of what Shaykh Salman was mentioning.
So, we all in this community alhamdulillah, we
try to make Eid al-Adha and Eid
al-Fitr very special, with the intention that
our kids will not be impressed by, you
know, Christmas, Easter, Halloween, because hey, if there
is a strong alternative, why in the world
do they have to look for other non
-Muslim occasions?
And that alhamdulillah has been practiced.
I've seen in my kids, many of their
peers, they look forward, they love Eid al
-Adha, they love Eid al-Fitr, because we
make a big deal, we invest a lot
of money, we put our money where our
mouth is.
So, let's hold on to this thought for
a second, and let's remember another imagery.
All the slogans of the rainbow flag and
LGBTQ and all of these that are destroying
the unit of the family that our deen
endorses and calls for, all of these flags
and ideologies will do nothing if the family
is strong, if there's true love, if there's
true understanding of the roles of the father
and the mother, if there's true definition of
the genders, the male knows their responsibility, the
man knows his responsibility, the woman knows her
responsibility.
If we demonstrate, I'm not saying being a
perfect family, let's be honest, no family will
be perfect, no family will follow the book
as it can be followed.
However, the best protection for our kids' iman
and ideology and lifestyle is to show them
that, hey, there's no need for us to
adopt this, whereas, let's look at weak families,
families where there's a confusion in the role
between the husband and the wife.
There's a confusion, you know, the man is
not assuming their role or the woman is
not assuming her role.
Then expect rainbow flags to invade our homes
as Christmas trees are invading our homes because
we didn't do our part.
Because the best tahseen, the best protection, is
really, is not by the ideology.
People don't follow a lifestyle because, oh, it
sounds shiny or convincing.
It's really, it's deeper than that.
So let's make the intention that inshallah ta
'ala we're protecting the faith of our kids
by really investing.
And again, we're not talking about overnight fixing
all the problems.
Sometimes it takes the 1%.
It takes one small thing.
One small thing from, Sheikh Suleiman gave us
a toolbox.
Let's take one tool and start applying inshallah
ta'ala with the intention that we are
protecting the aqeedah and the iman and the
faith of our kids.
Jazakumullah khair wa barakallahu feekum.
Imagine the meeting on the day of judgment
as Dr. Muhammad mentioned earlier.
Imagine that meeting on the day of judgment.
Now there's no more parenting.
Now there are no more problems, no more
trials, no more exhaustion, no more hard work.
And the parents are the same age as
their children and their children and their children
and their children.
One of the things that made the sahaba
the happiest, amongst other things, was that verse
in Surah Al-Qur.
وَالَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَاتَّبَعْتُونَ ذُرِّيَّتُهُمْ بِإِيمَانٍ أَلْحَقْنَا بِين
ذُرِّيَّتًا Can you imagine how many brothers and
sisters, not just here, and our own families,
our ancestors and their ancestors.
How many people in Gaza?
How many children by the way who are
abandoned now?
How many children have been orphaned now?
Imagine their reunion with their families.
Imagine their reunion in the afterlife.
Imagine their reunion when the soul leaves the
body and the angels come down and they
welcome them.
But the believing souls meet them as well.
And they say, what happened to so and
so?
But the updates are much faster in Gaza.
The updates are much faster because of the
loss.
May Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala alleviate their
affairs and bring down His swift justice and
His mercy to our brothers and sisters in
every land and every place around the world.
Allahumma ameen.
May Allah guide us and guide others through
us and protect our families and make us
a means of goodness by no means.
It's what I shared today or in the
last few weeks.
Exhausted.
There's so much more information obviously.
There's so many thoughts that many of you
have that could be shared maybe in the
following sessions.
InshaAllah Ta'ala we could have a breakout
groups and discuss some of these things.
There are a lot of other angles to
this.
But these are just some summaries of many
different things.
And I emphasize this cannot happen, this last
aspect of Tarbiyah cannot happen if women don't
have access to education in Islam.
This can't happen if women are not learning
Islam.
We live in a place of Hamda where
that's not even a question.
In fact, I'll tell you from an organizational
perspective at Al-Maghrib, we have Mista'ah,
we have many organizations around this country doing
good work.
The majority of attendees in Islamic studies programs
and classes are almost always women.
And this is a good sign of the
revival of the Ummah from that angle.
Because who is going to raise that generation?
Who is going to raise the Ummah in
terms of the everyday experiences and sacrifices more
so than usually the mother?
Who is going to be present with Islamic
values more so than the mother?
So having access to Islamic education is a
big part of the revival of the Ummah.
And it is also Alhamdulillah a blessing that
when that freedom and privilege and accessibility is
there, that women are taking advantage of it.
May Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala accept from
our mothers and our sisters and our daughters
and our community members.
And may Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala guide
us and guide others through us.
Two quick announcements insha'Allah ta'ala.
The first, Dr. Mohamed Al-Hakim wants to
share a quick announcement insha'Allah ta'ala
because this is I think one of the
last few weeks that he is here for
this temporary visit.
I'm just selling, I have my book here.
It's called Hadiths.
Debuted and verified by Imam Suleiman.
He also graduated with a beautiful introduction which
masha'Allah ta'ala.
And so yeah, the author of this book
is the Prophet salallahu alayhi wa sallam.
That's for the Hadith but it's applied to
the community service and activism which I think
will be the topic or the theme of
the future talk.
So that's something that we'll prep you guys
for next time.
So I have copies here.
It's $15 for a copy.
And Sheikh Suleiman is doing an announcement for
his upcoming book which you can get a
preview on Quran Reflect.
But that was the seed, right?
Yes.
Okay.
Jazakumullahu khairan.
I was not planning to do this but
I had a copy in my car.
I'm not selling the book.
So if you're buying anything tonight, I want
you to buy Dr. Muhammad's book in the
back inshaAllah ta'ala.
Alhamdulillah, you're the first people that I'm announcing
this to.
I was working with a team of students
for the last few months on a new
publication.
One of many inshaAllah ta'ala to come.
It's the entirety of the Tadabbur and Tafseer
of Surah Al-Hadid.
And it goes through each ayah ayah by
ayah with discussion questions.
The objective is not to read Tafseer.
The objective is not analytical or linguistic Tafseer.
The objective is to master the Surah to
internalize the Quran.
And so with Surah Al-Hadid, a lot
of people ask me why some of my
own teachers said, you know, I taught a
lot of Surah in terms of Tafseer, why
this one?
There are others coming inshaAllah but Surah Al
-Hadid is so comprehensive.
It's so powerful and captivating.
It has Meccan elements and Medinan elements.
The first ayah to come down of the
Surah was actually a central ayah in terms
of the order.
أَلَمْ يَأْنِلِ الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَن تَخْشَعَ قُلُوبُهُمْ لِذِكْرِ
اللَّهِ وَمَنَزَمٍ حَقُّ Have those who believe, is
it not time for them basically to become
humbly submissive?
So Alhamdulillah, we worked really hard on this
book.
It just got approved yesterday.
So it's on Amazon as of like this
morning.
I did not announce anywhere at all.
So nobody knows it's there except you guys
now.
Nobody knows it's there.
And if you want inshaAllah to support this
work, it's 100% volunteer based and all
the profits go back into publishing more of
these books inshaAllah ta'ala.
We actually had an organization called Quran Reflect.
They have, for those familiar, they have the
entire Quran Reflections, Tadabbur from different scholars and
teachers that are very fine and sometimes students
of knowledge.
So initially this was a project, a class
that was taught in Ramadan.
Every ayah has basically 5 to 10 questions
you can discuss with your children, your family,
or for yourself.
At the end of the book, you will
find a mastery tracker, how to track your
mastery of the surah, memorizing, tadabbur, teaching others,
internalizing, as well as appendices on the virtues
of tasbih.
This surah is one of the musabihat.
So that chapter for you is one of
my favorites.
You get so much closer to doing tasbih
and internalizing it and finding the change in
your life through it.
So you are the first to know inshaAllah
ta'ala.
It is on Amazon.
I will be, or my team inshaAllah ta
'ala, will be helping make social media announcements
in the coming weeks.
If you want to support more of these
projects, inshaAllah ta'ala you can get a
copy on Amazon.
But on your way out, you can get
Dr. Muhammad's book as well.
The book is called The Iron Healing.
If you look up Tafsir Surah Al-Hadith.
You already found it?
That was fast.
MashaAllah.
Prime shipping.
MashaAllah.
Alright.
Jazakum Allah khayran to all of you.
BarakAllahu feekum.
We will see you for the next chapter
of this program, the third level, the societal
change that is required.
Jazakum Allah khayran.
Thank you for your patience today.
It's a little over, but it was a
blessed gathering.
Jazakum Allah khayran.
Dr. Muhammad Hakim.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.