Shadee Elmasry – NBF 126 The Proper Way to Get Married
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Rasulullah who are early he was talking to human Well, I welcome
everybody to the Safina study nothing but facts live stream, in
which we are today talking about marriage, the right way to find
the right one is the title of or the proper way to get married as
the title of the episode. And
we're talking today about Melinda, because Melinda is an organization
that I think they do things the right way, in that they try to
connect people by examining they're looking at their files or
looking at their profiles, and trying to see who matches with
who. And then they connect each other to one another. So they'll
basically take your permission first, say this is a match. Do you
have permission that we put you in touch? Okay. And then if you give
that permission, then Masha Allah Who and sada has joined, if I wish
he could come and hang out with this.
If you if you give that permission, then
they'll connect you to now this episode or this
segment of our of our of our live stream today is about well, what
do I do after I've been
after I've been connected? If I've been connected now, what do I do.
And here we have to talk about three stages that I feel are
extremely important for everyone to understand and to think about.
The first stage
is vision. Right? So when you meet somebody, for the for the first
time, when someone tells you, this is a match. Now we're going to
talk about the content. First, we're gonna talk about the methods
later. Alright, we'll talk about the methods methods of meeting
later. The first thing you need to talk about his vision of life. So
do you and this other person have the same beliefs about life? And
Dean beliefs? How to live these major things? These major things?
I would say? Are
these major things I would say, are, they've got to be like, they
can't be more than 10. These are the non negotiables. These are
also the things that you would divorce over, right? For example,
I mean, we're Muslim, someone said, Oh, my left Islam, or I'm
not doing this anymore. Or, of course, no one does that. But you
go slowly, people do slowly drop off, they slowly drop off. Right?
And that's a big test. But hypothetically, but that's your,
your non negotiables of life. Do you believe the same things? Do
you, for example, want to live in the same country? Right town and
state is negotiable. But at least the same continent? The same? Oh,
I want to make hijra, I want to live in Malaysia. No, I want to
stay here in in Delaware. It's gonna be it's your these are non
negotiables. Right? These are things that
you're not compatible at all. So this is the first thing is to talk
about the vision. And people should talk about, well, what is
how do you live your life? Right? What is your understanding of
right and wrong? Where do you derive it from? What's your
methodology of learning that something's right or something's
wrong? Right? When we have kids, how are we going to raise them up
on what are we going to raise them? What is going to be the
source of our right and wrong? What do we believe about the
purpose of life?
So these are, these are all the most important things, and you
should not talk about anything else. That first initial meeting
between people should not be about anything else. Alright, just what
what I like to call vision, vision of life and afterlife. Right?
That's all it should be.
Second thing
that needs to happen, if that goes well, okay, we're both on the same
page in what we believe about a lot about Dean and about life. And
essentially, the fundamentals of life, like I want to raise my kids
upon this, I don't wanna raise my kids here, there, et cetera.
Okay, so the second thing is now the, the method or the mission. So
when you look at an organization, there's a vision statement is the
long range the beliefs of the organization, the purpose of the
organization, then the mission statement is like, how are we
going to get this done? So the mission statement may be Well,
four years medical school first, that'd be like, that's how I'm
going to execute my vision. My vision of life requires me to be a
doctor. All right, that four years of medical school now we're
talking about?
I might not want to be done with that. I might not wait around for
that. Right? Or it may be your mission statement. Your mission
may be? Well, we're going to I'm going to study first. I'm going to
take two years abroad of study, right, I'm going to live here we
agree with that. That's the vision but I'm going to study two years
abroad first, I'll tell you where things just get lost is when these
things are all out of order. Okay, so when you're having that first
initial meeting, there is no point to go any further than division.
And once that's done now, how do we plan to execute this this way
of life? Alright.
And there you talk about well, okay, how do we want to school?
The kids? We want to have kids, how do we want to school? Like, we
already know what we believe they should end up as, right. But now
how do we get there? See all this, this is where there should there
has to be negotiation and there has to be flexibility in mission,
like, how are we planning to do this? There has to be flexibility
with this. And there has to be an ability to negotiate. And you may
not get every single thing that you want in the mission. Get in,
you're in the second phase of things, which is how do we execute
this vision of life? And now, once you come to an agreement, say,
let's say Okay, listen, I want to study two years before I start,
regular life. She says, I really wanted to start making her life
now. Alright, fun. How's this?
We'll cut it down to one year. And then the next summer, the next two
summers, we'll go. So you made a deal. You make deals. And the way
to make a deal is never to argue over one thing. You got to put
five things on the table. Right? If you're arguing over what, no,
why is that if you're arguing over one thing, there has to be a
loser, right? If it's like a tug of war, are we going to do this
yes or no, that means there has to be a loser in this. So you want to
eliminate that. No one wants to feel like like they've lost
something. So what do you do is you put Okay, well, well, you also
want three things, I want these three things. If I'm going to give
up half of this, then maybe I wasn't really comfortable with the
portion of that. So you end up with a package, everyone ends up
with a package that they're satisfied with. That's the right
way to make a negotiation in anything. Now, you don't ever
argue over one thing. So, for example, in business, they're
arguing over the price, they have to bring in a second or third
factor to bring it in. So that even whatever wherever we go on
the price, someone's going to get something extra, so that they
don't feel like they've lost something. And that's how you
negotiate that second phase of things where it's how are we going
to execute this, we believe in the same thing.
We, we want to live essentially, that this type of life, how do we
do it is all up for negotiation. I call this like the the mission.
Alright, or the methods of execution of this vision
statement. Now the third thing, alright, the third thing that
happens now, once you agree on these two, you get engaged. That's
it. What else do you need?
And you start talking about the last phase is the details. Tie.
It's it's not tying the knot. It's not marriage right away, but it's
engaged. Now I'll tell you why. I believe that engagement is
something important. Because
when you talk about this last thing is like now we're talking
about the fine details. So when,
right? When would this marriage actually take place? Okay, now
we're talking about the immediate details while I'm graduating, I
got an internship, this that in the other blah, blah, blah, you
talk the details, and then
you set a plan for when the marriage takes place.
And the first thing is you said is an engagement. Now, is it
engagement? Some people have this misnomer that it's not allowed in
Islam? Well, that's not true. That's not the case. Right? If
it's not allowed in Islam, how did say that? How does the prophets I
send them spoke about that you do not do hits upon the mitzvah of
Leia have two molecules pretty ugly. That means when two people
are very close to marriage to the point that
they have agreed to marry but they're not married yet. No one
just says, Okay, let's agree to marry and the marry right away,
there has to be a lag time, right? Like we agreed to marry, okay,
when are we going to actually get married? That's engagement, so
you've agreed to marry. So now nobody can come in. It's haram for
someone to swoop in, even when they're getting close. And in
their talks, is haram for somebody to swoop in. Okay, and cents and
steal the wife. So this
issue of engagement also occurred was set not even as a default. So
there was talk about marriage, and then they were engaged for about a
year until the marriage actually occurred afterwards. So it's
precedent in and as permitted, engagement is precedent and
permitted and all it is, is an agreement that we will marry at a
later date. And that way that removes her from receiving other
proposals.
So now
when you agree on an engagement, we are now asked what is the
function of this engagement and what do people do? Well by the
city, nothing changes in an engagement. When people when two
people get engaged, they
they're still there's there's nothing different about them in
the Cydia, so they still can't be alone with each other or be
touching each other.
So the function of this engagement is now you start having more
meetings with the families, maybe even some extended families, and
you have multiple meetings and layers of the onion start coming
off. Now you start to get a very good idea of what this family is
like. Most people marry into families write you very rarely
someone just by himself, you're always connected with people, like
no one comes out of nowhere. So you start getting to know those
the extra connections, maybe in the beginning, you're only getting
to know the families, right?
Family, by the way, and getting to know the family is also part of
certain your vision and your mission, in the sense that there
may be a non negotiable with the family. Like I'm not going to
marry someone whose dad is an avid devil worshiper. Right? Or an
avowed you know, Satanist, I don't care what he is. I'm not getting
involved with that family period discussion. Oh, if I get if I may
meet the perfect person. But I realized that their mom has a gin.
And she oops, and oops, this is over. It's done with all right. I
don't care who you are. There's non negotiables. There's certain
things I don't get involved in my life with. Okay, may Allah protect
us from all that stuff. But that's the idea that the idea of the
essential family, the mom, dad, maybe even brother and sister,
okay, is part of each of these discussions. And so the
engagement, you start peeling off the onions by having family
visits, group visits, more visits. So one of the functions of this
and it's not to be pessimistic is that people always hide stuff.
People hide stuff, everyone hide something, nobody's nobody's
perfect. And we shouldn't be hiding our sins. But sometimes,
maybe a temper will come out. stinginess won't come out. And
something could grow. If an engagement is nine months, let's
say.
It can grow.
Like quality like he was at the restaurant, he's like looking at
the bill. Right?
Then he's like asking me to split it. Then the next time around, we
were going to order we ordered a rack of lamb. And he got upset
because it's expensive. And every time we talk, look at some $45.
And what do you stinginess, right? It comes out. It comes out in
social gatherings, when you could keep meeting. And it's not just in
Genesis other things, right?
Other things about their past may have just pop out, right? Allah
you give time for Allah to reveal things. And that's really what
happens, just by having regular meetings, your family goes to
visit them, their family goes to visit you, right? You go out to
eat, and go, and
you start discovering things about each other. Nine months, you can't
fake nine months. Right? Do your truth will come out eventually.
And that's the frunk function and purpose of an engagement. Okay,
let's take a look at what some of the other pointers here that we
wanted to discuss.
This, this three part now hit OK. If we've, if we've covered the
three parts, the three phases that will go from strangers to
marriage. So the first phase is that immediate attraction and
general ballpark, there's an attraction and we're in the
general ballpark.
Second phase is the vision. Do we view life and existence in the
same way?
That's that's really the first meeting second meeting,
or second series of meetings? Is the the mission, how are we going
to execute this life that we want to live?
Third one is the final details and getting engaged
in the engagement, that's where you start working on the
on the wedding? Where are we going to get married? What's the what's
the, what's your what is what our finances gonna look like for the
first year of marriage?
How much is this going to cost? Who are we inviting? All that
stuff? You do that while you're engaged?
Now, the next segment, you put a line there, because that's all
content and theory. Now, we talked about physically, how do you do
this?
Physically how you do this? Well, Melinda is offering you a service
of that first domino, that you and this other person are in the same
ballpark.
Once permission is given for the files to share, you also see their
pictures. And I think in one day should probably send more than one
picture, right? I don't know if there's the option of that in the
application, but you probably should because
people need to see you know what? different units see different
angles just send you your best picture that you touched up on all
your your your apps, and then the guy realizes, okay, I got skipped.
So you have to be honest with these things. So ballpark
and basic attraction is in that first, that's what my wind is
doing for you. Now what now once more does that for you, the next
thing that you do when you interact, I'll tell you what not
to do. What you don't want to do is get very close with the person
and start messaging and start talking about absolutely
insignificant things. And you just falling in love, when you haven't
even discussed the major things yet. And brought in what
what they call the, the stakeholders, there are
stakeholders in every marriage.
In most cases, someone was asking about a convert even amongst
converts, you think like their parent family, and he doesn't care
about them. I mean, Orion, your convert your you can just go get
married, you got to tell your mom and dad, right? I mean, they're
going to be involved to a degree, they may be involved to this
degree and other cultural, their parents will be involved to this
degree, right? So they're going to be involved in some way, shape and
form. So the stakeholders have to be involved. Okay, so there's no
point in going head over heels with somebody and the stakeholders
that in your family. They don't agree with this in the first
place. All right, you're bringing us someone from another culture,
and we can't take this, I'm too old for this. Bring me someone at
least from our region of the world. Your parent may say that,
right? So that's all part of the vision. So the first thing that
you want to do is have these broad meetings and you don't want to
just start messaging each other, and start falling in love and
start talking about, you know,
like peripheral things, right? I remember one time went to a
meeting in Connecticut. Now Connecticut ism is it's pretty
miskeen. Right? You don't ever want to live in Connecticut, the
only reason you'd go there is I don't know, he got accepted at
Yale or something. Right.
But when I was in Connecticut, and Marin, there was a meeting, and
that meeting had was to start the first semester of the town, down
of Maryland did not have a mosque, they needed to start a mosque. So
they were at the meeting. And I'm telling you, I'm not kidding, just
regular people, about seven people showed up. One guy was the CEO.
Me. And like five other guys, I'm telling you, by the end of the
meeting, you know, what we were discussing? We were discussing
whether or not in our, in the Islamic school that we have, we're
going to be busing people. And which bus service will we use? And
how many routes? Like we don't even have the masjid yet. Right?
It's like, how did we go so far? To some detail, that's not even
going to happen anytime soon? Right. So
nothing was discussed about well, what is the purpose of this
message? Is it going to have a set offbeat? Is it going to have a set
message? What is the what is the purpose of this thing? None of
that was discussed. We went straight to well, we have a
message then we're going to build Islamic school. Are we okay? Are
we going to bust the kids? And I'm telling not kidding you. A debate
broke out whether we're going to bust the kids or parents have to
bring their kids. We don't even have a masjid let alone the
school. Right. So this is there was a CEO there. He was shaking
his head. This is a joke, right? So I'll tell you what many people
do. They start chit chatting about the little peripheral cute things
of life and they fall in love with each other. You haven't even
discussed the vision yet. Right? Having discussed the vision.
So do not go that route of just messaging, being cute with each
other, and then either falling in love or being awkward. Because a
lot of people move through texts or email, things get awkward
quick, I would say Your first step is to get out of the digital and
into the flesh. Meaning
you start you arrange a meeting, like if you're both compatible,
you see that you're both having attraction and a ballpark
compatibility, why not meet? Now, the meeting should be not alone.
And it should be involved some of the stakeholders, like for
example, he comes with his mom and visits you and your mom, right? Or
him and his mom and dad, they come and visit you. All right?
With your mom and your family, whatever it is, get out. So the
first thing I would say get out of the digital, get into the flesh.
Right? Get into the flesh right away. So that's what I would
that's, that would be my first piece of advice on that type of
interaction. Because once you get into digitally communicating, the
amount of the percent error that you can create is so high, like
the chances of a mistake of a misunderstanding happening becomes
very high.
Right? And I think we've all had an odd experience of like just
someone not answering and I think we all have experienced where
we're just so tired and we can't answer right? Like, there can be
times or I'm looking at a text and here's a message for all my
friends and anyone who messaged me here, right?
I'll tell you the amount of times that I see a message
So I wish I could answer but I'm just gonna die right now my eyes
are gonna fall out from screentime, I have to sleep,
right? And I see the person near wake up the next day.
Okay, and that message has been pushed down, right? It's been
pushed down, I didn't even see it, I didn't see that they messaged
again or something like that, and you just emergencies happen,
things happen, you totally forget. So the amount of accidental
misunderstandings in the digital, so with you, is so hot. So my
advice to you is if MOA dot matches you up, get out of the
digital as soon as possible and get in the flesh and bring the
stakeholders and talk vision only. Now, if someone is not mature
enough to do that they're not mature enough to be a husband or a
wife. Right? If you're not mature enough, you're not really ready.
If you're not mature enough to say, Okay, well guess well, let's
just and by the way, it doesn't have to be just a one on one. It
can be something a little bit looser than that. It can be like
three families are there for families, are there a bunch of
people that are there? And it's not like okay, let's sit down and
talk. How do you want to live your life? No, it could just be a
feeler. Right? It could be a little bit of an extension, let's
say an extension, you filed for an extension on the ballpark
attraction
phase of things, right? That that precondition, that's a
precondition, right? The ballpark attraction phase of things. Are we
in the same ballpark? And do we have any attraction?
That part of things, you can extend it with face to face? So
another thing is that there are gatherings in misogyny? Is your
family going? Yes, my family is going we can meet there. And you
just you go with with somebody and you see us with somebody, and you
just exchange paths. So you physically see one another you
physically chitchat with the parents, and you've extended
the attraction or ballpark phase of things. Right, my is what I'm
saying. Making sense. Okay, good.
Yeah, like a very soft touch. I personally don't understand how
people dive into marriage. I think it's easier said than done. Yeah,
like to, you know, invite three families to your house. Just seems
like it's on paper. It sounds realistic, but like, well execute.
What if we say for example, let's say,
hypothetically, there's a guy who wants to get married, and my wife
tells them, hey, you match up with this sister? Where's this sister
from? Mocha? She's from Connecticut. So alright, in the
loaner gym, but fine. If she's good enough, then we'll go up
there, then who do I know somewhere in the middle, right or
somewhere? That
can invite us both. Right? And there can be a couple people
there. And it's not that I'm going to see it note. It's an
invitation. She'll just happen to be there. Right? It doesn't have
to be something complex. It doesn't have to be like a lamb is
cooked. No, just like coffee and tea. Right? Coffee and tea. You go
and you bring a cheesecake. She brings a chocolate cake and
everyone chit chats and eats and you have she happens to be there.
Right? And you see if what mawatha produce for you was something that
is is
is worth your while. Okay. So it seems okay, traveling light. I
don't know if this girl or or guy but I think she's a girl. She says
girls don't just want to meet guys for just because they seem like a
good potential. Keep going at a scroll.
Oh, it's a long discussion. It's a narrative. Okay.
All right. Well, I'm sharing you my perspective on how things go,
and how things should go. Okay.
All right. When you say speak about vision and not other things.
Can you give example from Dean? Right, Dean matters of Dean? Where
do you want to live? What kind of family is culture? What kind of
culture? Do you see yourself living?
what fields do you want to live in? Did you want to work? Do you
do live? Do you work? For example, maybe someone doesn't want to
marry a surgeon? Maybe someone doesn't want to marry? I don't
know what? Like, generally, I don't want to marry someone with a
small income but say, yeah, like I was poor growing up. I don't want
to marry someone who's
a very moralistic sixth grade teacher. Right? Because not going
to make a lot of money. But he has morals. Great, great guy, but he
wants to teach sixth grade. No, I was poor growing up
hypothetically. So I don't want to go there. Again. I don't want to
go in the life of poverty. Give me someone who's like an engineer, a
lawyer or an accountant. That's what I'm saying base. The main
most, most important things I don't want to be poor again. I
don't want to be from some bizarre sect. I don't want to make Hijra
out of the United States. Basic things like that. That's the
vision. So you can extend in the flesh we're back in this issue of
the first thing I think you should do is get out of the digital and
into the flesh to extend that period and confirm that we are
have attraction and we are ballpark right. Uh,
I have a match. Once that's confirmed now, in that very soft
setting, which not much has to be said, just check out their
personality, a little discussions, then you go into the discussion on
the vision now physically, how do you do that? The way that a lot of
people do it is that may, let's say the families can have a
dinner. And then afterwards, you go and maybe sit off to another
room and another room, you and her, and maybe people swing by
bring tea, so that you're not closed off. This is how they do it
all over the world. Right. Okay, even Sheikh
Abdel Hamid Al Mubarak, he says this, how they do it in Saudi, the
families go visit each other, you all have dinner, so you're all
getting to see each other. Okay, seeing your chemistry that you
will have, then the to go off to a side area where they're within
earshot. They're definitely there's no closed door there. And
they talk. But you got to know what you're going to talk about.
That's where we talk about the vision.
The vision really should not take a long time. Like if I asked you
what is Apple do apples, a tech company, right? Google is tech in
and marketing, advertising. That's what they are, right? Like it's
division should not take a long time. Attraction, also really
should not take a long time. But there is no set limit on how many
meetings you need to have for these 123. Same thing, vision,
maybe 123. But eventually, then you have to move on. But this is
the way you meet next time she her family that comes to your house,
right and do the same thing. And you're gonna keep doing that back
and forth. Right until the vision and the mission are done with now
the details, you arrange the details. And that's, you know, one
of the going to be the happiest day for you, right? Because
Colosse we've we've, we have good chemistry, we believe in the same
things. And the way in which we want to execute this is we've
we've agreed, right? That we're going to do this, for example,
someone says I want to go study abroad. We both want to live in
America, but I want to study abroad. Okay, fine. How many years
limit? Three year limit? And then promise me we come back here call
us we have a deal. Right? There's a deal. So you the middle one that
mission? It's all negotiations. Then finally, once you get
engaged, remember the engagement doesn't change anything. But now
you're planning the actual details. All right, of how the
marriage is gonna go.
All right, let's open up this form. Here. There's a form.
Maybe people want to put in their questions privately.
Alright, read it off to me.
All right. If someone doesn't want to meet, sometimes they can see
from the conversation online that this person isn't serious yet.
Maybe they're trying to figure them out until they meet. Girls
don't just want to meet guys for just because they seem like a good
potential. How many people are you going to meet?
Like, there are a lot of comments and questions in in that. So
that's why I say getting out of the digital. That's the first
question if this person is serious, right? Because if this
person put up like a picture of them that was not authentic, like
their best absolute best picture where you look like totally
someone totally different, right?
He's not gonna want to meet in person. I'm telling you, the
moment you take it out of the digital and into the flesh, you
eliminate all that silliness. And all those people who are frauds
and fakes. They're not going to want to do that. They're not going
to want to go there.
Okay. And also, I think it was within
this message, maybe they're trying to figure them out until they
meet, but like, we were just talking before the stream, like
trying to read someone through a text is No, don't go there. It's a
disaster. It's a total disaster. And I'll tell you, what else is
that extension? That the extension of are they ballpark? Are they in
the ballpark? And of attractiveness and, and
compatibility?
Just showing up in the same building being in the same
building Crossing Paths exchanging two three words, right?
That's like enough sometimes, right? Just to see, are we even in
the same ballpark here? Right. But once you are, and now you're both,
you both know that you're both thinking about this, then you
really should organize a proper meeting, right? With the
stakeholders. Right? It's always suspicious when someone is a lone
person. There's no human being that's a lone person. Got to have
like, okay, so you got to have someone in your life
and it's always more comforting when someone comes with
stakeholders, like like a lot of times in the community
When we when we deal with the community, one of the biggest
things is if somebody's like, around and hanging around the
community, but they have, there's no reference to this person. Hey,
does anyone know their dad? Does anyone know their mom? Does anyone
know their sister? Are you like an FBI spy or something? Right? Like,
there's got to be someone in your life. People who are not serious,
they will not bring their stakeholders, right. Or there's
some issue with them in the past or skeletons in the past? Because
we're not talking about a generation of immigrants. Oh,
yeah. My, my mom says hello, right from Pakistan or from Egypt? No,
that's, we don't have that anymore. Like we have that, of
course. But the what we're talking about here is mostly second
generation Muslims whose parents live here. So if that person is
serious, he's going to show you about his life tell you about his
life. So he has family.
So I think that, that it's so important that
that aspect of the family or the stakeholders or the friends, even
guys who truly don't have anybody, they bring their Imam they bring
their friend, they bring in older mentor type of person, or, or just
a friend, right? And then they always have an explanation. You
didn't sprout from a tree, right? You got to have some roots
somewhere. And I'm telling you, I wouldn't really trust somebody
with no roots.
I'm not even saying what kind of roots like no roots. How do you
not have roots like you gotta have some?
Your chef, you're just a narration that came out of nowhere, right?
And we can't trust you. Because if things go bad, where do we go?
Where does where does the poor girl go? If things go bad, it can
be opposite to right.
All right, what else we got?
How do you handle a difficult child who is selfish and verbally
abusive, to the point where the parent wants to disown the child
who was 18 years old?
It's kind of irrelevant. It's not irrelevant, but 18 years old, if
it's a boy send them out to work and live on his own.
Getting families to be open enough to meet.
That's why I said that's part of the vision. Right? Now you can
have a traditional Egyptian family.
They will they'll they will maybe accepts some other Arab culture,
right? Don't go and bring them someone so far away, you should
know what are the non negotiables. And someone who then comes and
tells you hey, listen, I really like to get along. But my parents
just they've always told me don't bring anyone but a Palestinian in
the house, then why are you stringing her along? Right? You
strung her along. And that's why the order of this thing, this
thing has to be done logically. You keep stringing these people
along, and then telling them something you knew all along that
this is not possible. Right? So that's where your mawatha
application has to be really honest. It has to be really
honest, and very, very specific. Very specific, and very honest.
Otherwise, you string people along, and then people get scarred
and they get feel like, all these guys are a waste of time, right?
Because as soon as something that the this thing gets serious. He's
got some excuse, right? So you don't want to go that route.
Ibrahim is looking for you to tell him how to know he's attracted to
somebody?
How do I know if I'm attracted to somebody? How do you know that
food tastes good? How do you know that a shirt looks nice? How do
you know that a house is the one that you want a car is the one
that you want. That's the physical attraction. The other attraction
is going to be Bye.
Bye.
Meeting personality. And that's why these meetings are important.
There's not the old days where people almost are like, maybe they
didn't care about these things. I don't know, maybe they did. Who
knows. But
we should have, we should have, you should have multiple meanings
to see what kind of person this is. And that's why I'm saying when
you bring someone in, that you bring somebody into the picture
that is in a social setting, that extension of the ballpark and
attraction phase, right. And you see them in the social setting,
you hear what they're talking about here, the conversation, it
gives you an idea of whether or not this person's personalities is
even something I'd even
be interested in.
Today's questions are all about marriage, and there's a Google
form.
Okay, let me get access to this Google form. And let me get into
the Google Form because there are some private questions. So here we
go.
Let's open up the Google Form. And these are all valid questions.
No one gets everything they're looking for. What are some things
to compromise and things not to settle? Don't compromise on of
course you're not going to
compromise on dean. And you're not going to compromise on ways of
raising your children.
Those are two things you're not going to compromise on.
Okay,
keep going.
Okay, so somebody's interested in a practicing physician, but they
have an issue with her touching male patients.
Is this allowed?
Well, firstly, it's not a non negotiable, that's not a non
negotiable. These things are always changing. People are
wearing gloves, people change jobs, people. I mean, I don't
think that that's that that is a discussion, that's for sure.
Right? There's no doubt that it's a discussion. But it's not a non
negotiable. Trust me.
Like, that's not the first thing that you're going to bring up.
So you need to be told by experience, what is negotiable.
What's non negotiable, right? She's not going to work touching
patients all day. Do you think these patients are good looking
people? This is not the ER over here, right? This is not er,
right? Where I don't know what the ER is from my day. Hospital filled
with models, right.
George Clooney and all these people, right? So you go to a
buzzing hospital like this? Hey, where are the good looking people?
No one's here, right? It's not like the shows. So that's why I'm
telling you, you may have 100% of point that you don't want to touch
on guys. But just
have an idea that when they do, they're not really the touching is
very minimal, even when it does take place. Right. And it all goes
about which what kind of physician they are. Right? And
what kind of physician are they? And what is the degree of this?
You know, that makes sense. Read that to me.
We have been on that. Patients are gross, man. I love a trusted
brother.
Yeah, I mean, so So wait a second, you confirming what you said,
which is the guy is saying my wife is a doctor, right? Or this
woman's diabetes? A doctor? No, no, I'll tell you what's off the
table. Male gynecologist off the table completely. If that's what
he's talking about, or she's talking about? Yeah, I'm with you.
Male gynecologist, you have no you have problems, right. Why did you
go in this phase? And what are you looking at all day long? Yeah,
she's right about that when it comes to that. If it's a male
gynecologist, if we're talking about a female pediatrician,
you know, different.
Okay, keep going. While I pull up, I'm trying to pull up this thing
for some reason i Is it for a third person to intrude an
engagement. If the couple's marriage is being forced upon his
engagement part of his Is there any evidence is needed to deal
with the prophesy centum said if two people are close in a business
deal, in a marriage, in any negotiation, the third person may
not come in. If they're close,
close, who determines close now? Right.
It's something that you know, when you see it, type of thing, where
you know it when you see that these people are they keep
talking, we all know they're talking, everyone knows they're
talking now, are you telling me that she ran to you and say no,
I'm being forced into this marriage? Right. That's something
far off I think it might allow them but
that's a that's a special case. I am I might be like thinking about
the wrong thing. But on Sunday I am CGP denture Yeah. So for me,
like begin his talk by saying Who here knows how many times the
problems I was having was engaged? Is that what he said? He did? I
said 30 times 30 times.
30 times?
Yeah. Oh, they're asking for the deal of getting engaged. Oh, that.
Okay. I thought the deal that you can't get well, the Prophet
himself says, lie October Hadoken, Malika tiaki. You don't try to get
engaged on an engagement that he's already in. Right? So that the
wouldn't be such a hadith. If that wasn't the case.
Next question while I pull this up
if someone is missing a parents, are they capable of doing the
father's job in the marriage process? Or should I
try to seek help from another male relative.
If someone has so this question is about Willa, right?
If a sister doesn't have a father then it goes to let's say her her
father's brother. Or her older brother. Like her uncle or brother
are grandparents it goes up the father's into the father's family
the next closest father
next question
is it guys hey, something to compromise on or not? It feels
shallow but it's not shallow at all. No.
It that is something that it's totally
you know, one of those things that could be a non negotiable
it's not shallow at all. I'm still trying to pull up this thing.
Cheap. Okay, what is someone's trying to get a no get to know a
convert? Can you give some advice on how you would ask about her? If
no one knows her?
Shoes.
Nobody knows her
well
that's a tough question. We're gonna you're gonna have to find
some there's got to be somebody that she knows. Right? And you
there's got to be some associates that she has. Like, like, how did
you meet her? First of all right? Let's say I saw her in the masjid.
Okay, well, there are other women in the masjid. Right? Did you see
her walking out with somebody? You get to know them through that.
Now, if it's something digital, then good luck with that, to be
honest with you. Oh, I met a beautiful convert from the
internet. If she will talk to her then have someone talk to her
having another sister talk to her. Have another sister say Hey,
listen. There's somebody who's interested in you. That's an
option. Right? And see where she where she goes with that.
Okay
Subhan Allah.
Go.
Exposing body or disclosing body insecurities to someone that
you're trying to get to know from marriage out of fear that like
after marriage happens that it will be displeasing?
Not yet, though, that you do that maybe
in the middle of the discussions, you don't do that right away. Like
let's say somebody's got like a very bad something bad on their
body. Right? Is that what they're talking about? Like I got like a
bad
scrape or something that doesn't look nice or something like that.
To the degree that it would affect a marriage, you would bring it
either forward or backwards. So for example, if it's major, right,
if it's major, you have to bring it forward. If it's minor, bring
it backwards. The only thing that is really a game changer is that,
that the act, the sexual act itself cannot be fulfilled. That's
which that's a game changer in terms of the video itself. But
other less than that is relative, right? Like, for example, I have a
tone that looks terrible, hypothetically. When do I tell
this person that? No, that's you can have advisors help you gauge?
What's the level of this? What's up.
Eczema? What how much eczema, there can be Eczema is like 50% of
the body. That can be eczema, that's like a small amount. There
is also your hands on your face everyone sees right? So we can see
that at least it doesn't reflect that.
All these things can be you'd have to gauge it, and eventually bring
it up here questions from the forum.
How do you even meet someone? Well, this is the purpose of
Melinda.
That's one of the purposes but the other way how do you physically
meet somebody is
through misogyny. That's one of the purposes or through any
Islamic event. One of the purpose of these events is brings people
who have the same beliefs together.
Is it Islamically okay for a sister to remain single for the
rest of her life after being divorced from an abusive marriage.
It is permissive permissible so long as she understands that's
just her choice, personal choice rather than a religious belief
that it's better religiously, that this is a superior path, spiritual
path. That is that belief is a better but otherwise, it's fine.
You don't no one's marriage is not an obligation upon you belief that
it's better than being single, in general, is an obligation because
that's the way the
Often PSP upon
what are some permissible ways to court in today's age? Okay, good
question. So that's what I'm saying that we've, I think we've
mentioned that, in terms of the courtship element is the visits
back and forth. But these visits back and forth. Remember this the
phases of things, the first phases? Are we even ballpark and
have any attraction? The second is discussion of the vision. The
third is discussion of the mission, which is how do we plan
to execute? So I would say by See, after we see that ballpark,
attractiveness, compatibility is there. There has to be an explicit
statement, some somewhere that I would like to, you know, maybe we
can get to meet to see if there's any potential for marriage here.
Like that's got to come out eventually.
And then you just have visits back and forth. No one's committed.
That's not a proposal. That's not a proposal. The proposal only
comes after vision and details and the mission have been discussed.
Then when the guy is like, yeah, pretty much we're
we got all these things lined up. Now you Okay, here's another
thing. We never talked about this, the guy has to be
the go getter. Now, yes, it is possible in the shittier that the
woman proposes to the men, there's totally nothing wrong with that,
right.
But he's got to be the go getter. He has to propose now he has to
have confidence. This is going to work. He can't be shaky. A lot of
guys are shaky. Let me tell you something.
You sort of like just kicked in and you just kicked. I don't know
what the expression is. Right? You just poked a bear? Because you
just got reminded me right now. This question just reminded me.
Okay. There's a lot of guys who are shaky, they lack confidence.
And they're, they're taking the girl along, right? And they're
having discussions and then they're talking about you cute
little videos, but there's never like a crisp. Are we talking about
marriage? Right? What are we going to discuss what needs to be done?
And once the guy feels confident? Now he's got to go for it. Okay.
And if she's not confident, he's got to make her confident, right?
Give her confidence. Well, what are you worried about? I'll fix
it, we'll make a deal. Once you have when you have one person
who's going, it's much easier for the other person to feel that
confidence and work. But when the guys are shaking, I'm telling you
brothers, if you're shaky if you have confidence issues, the
confidence issue can be resolved by following logic. Trust me, it
can be resolved by following logic. What?
Better club?
So follow logic in this an only ask one question at a time and you
go in a series of yeses and noes.
Is the person physically attracted? Are you presently
attracted this person? Yes or no?
Meaning? Would you turn away from them?
If if you see their face? Oh, I can't even look at them. If the
answer is no, then move on. Don't even bother. Don't even waste your
time. If the answer is yes, then move on to the next question. Good
outline your non negotiables she outlines her non negotiables
vision? Or is there anything that clashes No, move on to the next
thing. So confidence is not something that you're just born
with? No confidence is something you can develop it by, by by ask
yourself, What am I doing here? One step at a time.
Okay, next question.
What are the most important qualities to look for in a spouse,
Dean and attractiveness
and character?
That's what you're gonna have.
What are some key questions subjects, people who are courting
should work out before deciding to get married. So we covered most of
most of these already. We set the vision and then the
the mission
a man says I wouldn't marry a woman with an Instagram or Tiktok
account.
Don't go too far. It's about what's on the account. Okay. Don't
go too far with this stuff. Right? Because we are living in a world
today that if you want to narrow things more than it's already
narrow, how many millions how many million Muslims are in America or
England? Let's say if they're probably Molyneux people are from
America. You think they're not gonna have an Instagram account or
a tick tock account? I have friends with a tick tock tick
tock, tick tock counts, adults, males guys. But what are they
looking at? Right? That's the question and what are they
posting? That's really what you should be asking. Right. So a girl
obsessed with her image and she keeps posting it fine. I agree
with that. Right. I agree with that. This is very annoying, and
it disgusts me that a 10,000 guys are looking at her fine. I totally
agree.
10,000 Who has 10,000 followers? That's fine. Right? But cut them
out. Cut that out.
If that's part of your vision, that's a non negotiable, no
problem. But just don't say that they can't have an account. Right?
That's too much.
I just want to live simply. And temperament is best for
phlegmatic, I can't remember what these terms mean phlegmatic, just
just bring me the actual bring me those terms that people use. Oh,
here's another one. astrological signs. Don't go there. Right?
Don't go to astrological signs. Like, oh, this person is a Taurus,
I can only marry a Gemini. Right? Don't go there. It's there are too
many exceptions to the rules.
He so he wants someone boring. And emotional.
Yeah, if you're unemotional, and you're a calm person, then you
should not marry a woman who wants to excitement.
Okay.
You, you don't want to know you, she's gonna get upset, and you're
not going to understand her.
I want to be a student of knowledge overseas, you put that
in your it's, that's not You're not going to live. If you're not
if you don't want if you want to be a student overseas and come
back. That's something to be discussed in the second meeting.
Not in the vision in the mission. Okay, you don't bring that right
away. You bring out the end result? What is the end result of
what this this new company that we're forming? What is the end
result? The end result is that we're going to be living in a nice
community. We're going to have this job, we're going to be
practicing this deen and we're having this faith and we're gonna
raise kids in this manner. Right? That's the end result. That's the
vision. Once you agree on that vision, now you start talking
about the the
details and say, okay, part of that is I need to study for two
years abroad, we're going to live abroad for the first three years.
Okay, then you can discuss the years, someone is asking a good
question, what is the meaning of opposites attract? So, I believe
that beliefs have to be the same temperament can be a little bit
different, but not polar opposites. So you cannot have
somebody that is totally stoic and somebody is totally active.
That but you can have a little bit of opposites in temperament.
Little bit opposites in temperament. Can't have somebody
who loves things to be like really clean, another person is really
sloppy. Right? So the two opposites too much opposites in
temperament are no good.
Right, if you can lift the image up a little bit.
Okay, good.
All right. So the things that are temporary, they should not be
brought forward in the vision statement. In your vision. When
discussion with with a person you really need to discuss. What is
the end result that we see here? What's the end goal that we see?
Are public settings considered being alone? No public setting is
not Kalwa. But you are opening yourself up to accusations. So for
example, can I meet a girl at a coffee shop? You are not in Fellow
at the coffee shop. It's not clear what but it's also not appropriate
because you open the door for people to say things about you.
There should always be some some other person or family member
check out who mentioned something interesting. Yeah, let's hear
about kava Hello being any place where intimacy can take place. So
like theoretically, oh, so theoretically, if you're not
within earshot at a coffee shop that is like, or if you go to a
park like yeah, sometimes I record these people are laying on the
ground and Starbucks or whatever. Weird stuff. Yep. So it could be
hallway hallway stuff. Yeah.
Read that to me, please.
How much money should a man have Before seeking a spouse? How much
money should you have to have before you seek a spouse you
should ask the question of what kind of living arrangement is she
accustomed to?
And is she willing to go for at the very least and apartment and
food and car and clothes? Okay, at the very least what it's what she
agrees to to.
Alright, so the public, it can be considered alone if intimacy could
take place in speech even
good
advice for those that are burnt out by the process.
I've been to so many marriage events, but I haven't found
anyone. Family are no longer looking for me. They're
disappointed.
Okay, first of all.
I'm going to bring him in two aspects. First of all,
If we keep failing at something, maybe we're doing something wrong.
So I hope that you're not doing the same coming with the same
attitude all the time. Because maybe you're bringing details and
bringing them way above, were things that you should be
flexible about.
That may be one of the things that you you need, right? Because if
you've keep failing at something, maybe I need to change something.
If I keep failing at something, right.
And you're feeling burnt out? Well, no, the question is, on on
any feeling of burnt out or despair, this simply the question
of how bad do you want it? That's the question. No one persists upon
something except eventually they're going to succeed. How do
you deal with when guys and the guy mother
rejects a girl because she wears hijab? Move on? It's not a good
family to be around? No offense to those people.
It's causing delays in marriage for girls aged 25 and above. Maybe
you're not hanging around the right community.
Right. There are communities where you're respected for that.
Okay.
Go to communities of knowledge, you need to find schewe in their
communities, people who have who have a respect for knowledge and
respect for piety and devotion, and faith? Can you discuss about
financial stability of the guy and the girl.
So the guy has to cover
the basic expenses of life. And now I know that life is the
inflation and things are getting pretty expensive. Okay.
And there may be there are a lot of two income households. But in
theory interest in general, the guide covers the basic expenses,
and certain things that are not basic necessities of life based
upon how she used to live, or perhaps she can just buy that
stuff herself, or it's just not a necessity, or he could buy it as a
gift if he can. But he's got to cover the basic fundamentals.
That's really the most important point,
the roof over our head, the food that's on the table, right? The
clothes on our backs, and the schools maybe, right? That's,
those are the fundamentals. If a guy covers that, then he's
fulfilled his duty. And any generosity is only going to make
your life better. It's going to make your married life better.
When you're generous, and you pay more. It's why it is important to
pay attention in school. Because you need to make a buck. If
schooling is not all schooling,
ends up earning you money. Usually medical education will end up
earning you $1 It education will end up earning you money. Right?
My eight says when people say marriage is half of a man, why is
marriage emphasized over all other concepts we have in Islam because
marriage will. Number one, it's the human being is created to
love. A man is created to love a woman and woman is love created to
love a man the first creation of Allah subhanaw taala for Satan
Adam was its husband and wife. That's the first relationship.
Right? That's the first relationship. Humans love it.
Human beings love it.
I'm worried but the next generation, right? They seem like
they don't get this concept. That man loves woman woman loves men.
Right?
But that is like the fitrah for blessed.
Since the time of man, we wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case.
Right? We would have been extinct. And it's not just physically
loves, loves their company loves everything about them. Okay, but
so, I mean, that's the what was the question again? Yeah, so So
now, it's half of Imen from from the aspect of becoming thankful.
Having gratitude seeing that Allah Tada brought you this great good,
because from this marriage will come so much risk, which includes
wealth, which includes children, which includes the removal of
sadnesses happens by having a big family, right, having an even if
you're sad about something, if you have a big family, like, you're
going to be too busy to really dwell on it. Something's going the
waters always moving, when you have a big family. Secondly, the
opposite, you're going to be tested.
Having a woman
having a man having children is a test for you. Right? And your
character is going to be tested. In your marriage. When your
character is tested, you come up with better qualities. Right?
When you have these better qualities than that's where it's
happy man now for the first time
teaching a new kid how to pray, right? That couldn't happen
without marriage, having somebody with my husband, having somebody
with wife, etc, etc. You would not have to have somebody if you go
home and the whole house is yours, right? You don't have to have
sober.
You don't have to have patience. You don't have to share. You don't
have to help somebody
and et cetera, et cetera. Right. So
what are the apps websites for people with our background? Fat
practicing Muslim to so of MOA dot orgy
that's what we're promoting here because I like the fact that they
it's not like a shop, a web surfing type of thing where you
just looking at pictures all the time. So if awesome, I'll just put
that in there for you. And bi c.org backslash Melinda. Okay, I
see if you've joined, fill out the form of elf I'm going to fill out
for you I'm
not sure if this was asked earlier as I joined late, but what is your
opinion on a decent reasonable much to ask in today's time, it's
between five and 25, depending on the wealth of the families can be
five up to 25. And if you're millionaires, it could be 50k.
Right? If millionaires are marrying millionaires, 50k is not
even a lot of money, right? But 5k, for example,
seven to 10, all of up to 15. Up to 25 is all within what I would
consider middle class from lower middle class to upper middle
class. Right? And then those who are who are who have more money
than that,
then you're going to go up to 50k. The question is, yeah, what if
somebody
wants to? So is it fair to base them off of salary? As it's fair,
it's fair, it's fair you and also like, what is the background of
the kid to if a boy comes, and he's coming from a modest family,
and the girl's dad owns five restaurants and 10 gas stations,
so he earns about 100k? a month of
after all expenses? So for 100k A month $50,000 money? He doesn't
even know what's the big deal? Right? But for a guy whose annual
his dad annually earned 100k annually, asking 12k is 15k is a
lot. Right. So it depends on the salary, the background of the
voice side. So is there like a percentage guideline, then? No,
it's a percentage type of thing. Yeah, it's like a percentage. But
it's also like we asked around, and we just hear like, you just
hear so and so is my 105k 10k 15k. And it on my head can be paid over
time. So it can be 5k Now, and then 1k. Paid, you know, for three
years, that's 8k, that's a decent model. Right? For a regular, like
a good job. That's a decent one.
I don't believe personally in the market is the delayed model. So
the this is the mod 5k. Now, and if you divorce 20k. That's not
good. It's a bit out in the medical school. Right?
Living with in laws. Me personally, that would be a bit
risky, because it's not unless you've lived with it before. So
here's here's the rule of thumb.
You don't want to do something in marriage that you've never done
before. Right?
Because you have no reference point on how to do it. So in
marriage, you get a, let's say your daughter has she lived with
an extended family in the house. If she has, and she's seen her
brother's family lived downstairs, her brother and sister in law
lived downstairs, the grandma lives upstairs, then the idea for
her to live in the in laws may not be foreign idea. You see how it's
all relative? So relative to your background? So if the if a girl
grew up with that, she grew up with living with this, this is the
same question. And this is not have to do with my blood because
they're not in this line of business. But in polygamy in
multiple marriages. When people ask, what is the ruling, and they
want to corner you? They say the ruling is permissibility Would you
let your daughter do it? No. Because I have no reference point
for her. Right? There's no reference point for her like she's
gonna go become a second wife. Right?
Or she's the first and that guy takes us another wife. What
reference point does she have to come to, to ask for advice? So I'm
not going to experiment with my own daughter. Right? In the same
that's the idea. So the religious ruling is one thing, the practical
applicability is a whole nother thing. And the practical
applicability is something that you need to have some kind of a
basis. So if a girl grows up and she's her,
or her grandma's upstairs, her other grandpa's downstairs and the
her brothers and his wife are downstairs in the basement, right?
And there's people coming into the house all the time, then it might
not be a deal breaker. But if you have another type of family where
nobody comes in and lives with the family, and it's just the nuclear
family and that's it. They've they barely have guests. That's going
to be too much for her to go live now with an inlaw and it's not
going to be
The healthy way to go about things because it's, it's a whole, it's
you have now the husband life is new. And now the inlaw life,
that's a whole nother thing. So you're bringing too much on the
table at one time. So that's my answer to that is that it's really
an issue of what people are used to.
How long should the courting process be? I don't see that. It's
more than 567 meetings as needed. We're not like non believers that
have to know absolutely everything. And they even sleep
with each other before even knowing marriage. Like I asked
myself, like, what's the point of getting married then? Right? We're
not like that, that you have to know everything in and out. You
just you need to know these fundamentals. But why? Because we
believe ALLAH is going to help us after that. In marriage. wotja
Allah Bina como Adorama, Allah placed it there, why you did
things, right, I don't see 456 meetings, seven meetings, you're
going to know if I want to get engaged with this person or not?
Right?
Certain things you will never know. You're never going to know
what he looks like without a shirt on. And you will never know what
she looks like, without her hijab, you just have to that's just a
fact of life in our the way we live. Okay.
You're never going to know what's going to be like to spend all
night with them, like hanging up. It's not something that's it's
part of the way we live. So, but the engagement period can be three
months to a year, even, it should not be more than a year, I don't
think.
And it shouldn't be, it's pointless to be less than a month
or two. Right? So let's say two, three months, up to 10 910 12
months. That's where, as we said earlier, the onion peel of
personality start coming out. And you may find rot, and which case
you return it to the store, right? You return this person and you
break the engagement and nothing happened like you weren't married.
So like you're married and divorced. People think the
engagement, you're gonna really be happy about it. The engagement.
Once you see that a problem developed in the engagement, as
opposed to after marriage.
How much parental advice should be taken in terms of marriage? It
depends again, are you marrying as a 20 year old 21 year old out of
college? Or are you 35 years old, and you already have your own life
going? Right and you're mature and you're developed? Okay.
So again, it depends on your age. Some people need more hand holding
than others in your 20s, you might need some handling towards the end
of your 20s. And in your 30s you might be on your own by 40
hulless. If some people get married at 40 as a second marriage
or otherwise, right, maybe it's the
maybe it's the first time they're getting married, but they tend to
be pretty much more mature. And they don't need as much hand
holding. Now what if the parents disagree? The question says, but
the couple is good. How should one go about this? Disagree upon what?
Disagree upon the actual essence of the marriage?
Or some details in the marriage? If it's the essence of the
marriage, I don't like to go there. Personally.
I personally do not like to go there. You did not want the
mother. Any of either mom, or moral either mom. Because their
their pain is more worth something with Allah subhanaw taala. She
raised you. Right? And you don't want that for the dad either. To
see the dad for the girl, right? You don't want this. If a dad
disagrees with his son about a marriage, it's still bad, right?
It's not so bad, right? But it's still bad. So I would not want to
go if the parents are totally against a marriage. That's why I
said, have your heads, you know, put your head on right first, and
bring in the stakeholders early in before you get attached to the
person. Bring the parents early in to the picture. Before you get
attached. How many times I can tell you, a guy and a girl are
attached to each other and then the parents come in. Now by
Sharia, a man does not need his mom's permission to marry.
He does not need his dad's permission to marry. Right? By
Sharia. We've complicated a little things a little bit more, but the
way we live today, it's not like the old days where people are
marrying divorce marriage just like
was not a humongous thing.
Right to the point that we'd have to have meetings and meetings and
meetings and meetings No, but today it is like that.
So, I would not want to go there where your parents are not pleased
with the marriage. They can disagree on deep on the detail
portion of things not the essential vision element of
things.
All right. How much is Takata should you do is Takara is should
be done regularly. Maybe with every Sona you make the double
intention. My sunnah of marketing is a staccato my son offended is
istikhara my son of that is a staccato however
you're also have action
You have action? Right? If the door of action is open that is
Allah's answer, the door of action.
I want to marry someone I keep praying and praying and praying,
you think that the door of action is open, go talk to them. Go talk
to the mom, go talk to the dad, talk to the sister send your
sister to talk to her sister. The door of action is open. If the
door of action is open, then it's not the position isn't prayer.
Right? Prayer is not your your your Avenue action is your Avenue.
Right?
So take action.
Alright, how do you ask forgiveness from the other person
for mistakes you made during the marriage process that led to
ending the marriage discussion? That's terrible.
That's true.
I think that you always have to have hope that things can change
as bleakest things may be a failed marriage attempt at one point. But
if it's really still in your heart, then you keep going for it.
If it's in your heart, it's there for a reason. And if it's headed
and it's fine, keep going for it. Maybe you could wait a little bit
and try get tell them listen, I made mistakes, but I'm very
sincere about this. I want this to happen. She may be touched by
that.
What major questions to ask when getting to know someone? We
mentioned those already. It's going to be Dean
financial area that you're in. If you're in education, it's one
thing if you're in the oil business, it's going to be another
thing. So Dean finances character, and then looks and then how you
want to raise the kids.
How you want to raise the kids and finances This is humongous things.
Right? Dean? philosophy, politics, maybe these days? What kind of
politics? I'm a chef eight, but I'm woke. No.
No, thank you. Good.
How would we know if a girl I want to marry is on their Deen? Again,
no one sprouted from the ground. People are surrounded. Does she
have friends?
Does she have a social media account?
People reflect their their likes and dislikes on those accounts,
their beliefs, they reflect them on those accounts. She's got to
have friends. You have family? Right? You ask around references
like a job. What did Dino say here?
Do you know? He's Medicube. But he got fatawa from Kevin on the spot.
Marriage that Inc.
Just getting there? What are non negotiables besides Dean financial
way of living can be a non negotiable. Depending on your
background. It's always easy to go up. But it's not easy to go down.
Okay, so that may be culture maybe like an immigrant, for example,
that may be off like the cultures won't match.
Looks, height and weight. These can be non negotiables. There's
nothing wrong about these being non negotiables. Good.
How do we raise the kids? I want to put my kids in a certain type
of school. You know, there's a school out there that believes in
fairies. They teach about it. It's very like all the Hollywood guys
are in this. They have one here. Have you ever heard you've never
heard of this company?
You ever heard? There is a school? I can't remember what they call
this type of school. But they actually believe in fairies.
Right? And like Will Smith sends his kids there? And they're now
spreading? They have I think they have one here in New Jersey, too.
Right?
Minnesota? Yeah, right. So yeah, what do they mean? Are they trying
to say angels? But anyway? Like? Like, how do you want to raise
your kids? Where do you want to send them to school? So these are
all parts of the non negotiables? My opinion, because they're you
don't want to go those fights are terrible. How do we assess and
judge character integrity, loyalty and faith of a person? That's that
you do all that by asking around, but also the engagement period,
right? The engagement period is really important, because you get
to peel. Right? Parts of the onion off.
What if your family doesn't chaperone during the courtship
process, they would be in the know that I am seeing someone but they
only want me to bring him when he is ready to propose
you can get somebody else.
For example, maybe one of your friends has a brother. So that's
two people there, right? Or maybe an elder maybe an older sister,
and her husband can be involved in the picture. Right? So you start
now reaching to the next layer to the community.
How do you have a conversation about sexual expectations during
the courtship process without crossing the line? Well, the city,
the Imams can do that for you. Okay, and educating the community
that sexual expectation is a very important part of marriage.
There's no such thing as a marriage that where you go in with
the intent not to
to have any sexual relations that be are absurd and ridiculous.
There have to be there has to be a sexual component as part of
marriage. Okay, what are the expectations after the fact that
the barebone basics that sexual * is part of life? And
it should be done regularly? And it should no one should be closing
the door. Now, if you have anything beyond that, that's not
appropriate to talk about. Right? Like, I want you to do this
exactly. Or that exactly. That's not appropriate. And, and that's
something that you may have to earn that in the marriage, right?
If that's something that's on your mind, and you want her to do
something like that, you may have to earn that. But that's not
something that you have discussion about.
All right, I think we reached the end of the questions.
Which one read that to me?
Can you get a friend to be a chaperone? It depends. But if
it's, for example, someone older and mature and respected then yes.
But if it's just another guy, or another, just another girl the
note then it's like more of a Hangout session, especially if the
couples are young. If the couples are in their 40s, which could
possibly happen, then maybe yes, you could say because they're a
little bit more mature. And there's some more maturity there
than Yes, maybe.
Can you ask about someone's past? You can not ask about their past
sins, you can ask about anything that
you can ask, you can ask about anything that would affect you.
For example, do you have any STDs? Do you have any diseases? Or is
your credit score your well, you should ask that the willie of a
girl should ask these questions, your credit rating, your your your
health report, we can't marry my daughter to you, then I realized
afterwards you come and tell me your back is so bad, you can never
work. Right? I should have known that in the beginning. Because
your maintenance is part of the deal here. Right? You're working
as part of the deal? Or that you're,
for example, maybe he doesn't have sexual attraction to women like
that. I mean, you can't really ask that question. But that's
something that I mentioned never go into that. And there are guys
who don't have they suffer a problem. They don't have sexual
attraction to women, but yet their parents expect them to marry.
That's a problem. Right? So the mom keeps pushing him to marry.
He's not attracted to women.
You think I'm joking, but I get these calls, you know, maybe once
a year. You cannot experiment with a woman say okay, marry, and then
you'll you'll know that's that will be completed. Vish. And
that's the type of fraud. So that's not acceptable. You can ask
about things that will have a direct impact your credit rating
does have an impact your debt, how much debt do you have your when he
can ask that question does have a direct impact on the finances of
the family? Diseases?
A record right. That's a fair question from a wedding. Do you
have a record right? Like for example, is your license going to
be suspended on the next ticket that's going to be a major
inconvenience to the family right now? Maybe the deaths not a non
negotiable but it might tell us what kind of person you are to
Okay. How many tickets does it take to get a suspended license
suspended
Ryan wouldn't know so he's a good candidate for marriage license is
not suspended good
I think we covered everything right let's see let's give it one
more second and then we move to our dot for Wednesday.
What a crucial questions to ask a man while vetting for marriage his
friends ask around his friends ask because it have your Will he
should ask about his finances and his credit so we don't want some
floozy type of guy.
You want to make sure that you know what his friends look like.
What is his relationship with his fit his mom, because that's the
first woman in his life, right? So if he respects her and he honors
her he has some Taqwa. Who will do the same thing with you should at
least and sometimes the mothers are smothering for the boys. This
is a big problem.
The moms smother the boys and they they get too involved. That kind
of mother in law you should ask. Ask around right there you are
choosing the mother laws are very important.
It's very important. The mother in law
right. So some mother in laws have a reputation some women have a
reputation. They're like their they control their the son's life.
Top to bottom. This is
Something you should know about. Right? Cold feet before the final
yes for marriage. How do we handle that nervousness, you ask a lot to
calm your heart. If this is something good for me calm my
heart. I've done everything that I believe is right. Okay, now I
asked you to come my heart
phase a data by okay, this is the last question we'll take because
it relates now we're going to segue now into the next portion of
our program. The MOA element of this program has now come to an
end. Thank you very much for Hessen
and Hannah Somani.
Who are the managers and founders of Muda. Again, this is the
organization that we're promoting for, for people to sign up with
their applications. All right, it's just an application that you
fill out an application, it's a form you fill online.
It will though, you put all your details, everything that you're
going for, they will then see what other applications they have. If
they find someone, then they'll take permission, take your
permission to send you your your contact information to this
person, right, and vice versa. And if you both agree, then they send
you a mutual email. And then you take it from here. The whole point
of this talk was to show you to give you some ideas of things you
can do ways in which you can take it from here. We'll take it from
here how do I take it from here? That's what this whole talk was
about. Okay. All right. If you want to support this live stream,
give us some some [email protected] backslash Safina society that's
how you can support this live stream Furthermore, we have
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From from these classes today Sheikh osemele will teach chef a
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and he will teach
Joe how to heat let's see that beautiful chef a picture there
Metzen Evie Shuja on ArcView dot o RG go there don't miss it and then
copy that for Johanna to toe heat. This is one of the best classes
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now we turn to our vicar and our word that we recite which is the
has been noticed little enamel had dad followed by the dryer why do
we do this on Wednesday because Satan a jab at him and Abdullah
narrated that the messenger of allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam
during the Battle of 100, in which the Muslims were colorless, they
were really struggling. He made an intensive dua
on Monday, and he did not get an answer. He made an intense dua on
Tuesday, he did not get an answer. So for all those people who are
not getting answers to their prayers, even the messenger of
allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam Allah teach us made him be
persistent. On the third day, he made an intense draw and the sign
of Java came to him.
That doesn't mean the answer came right away. But that's the sign
that he will get an answer that came to him.
And so Javed Ahmed Abdullah used to say that that was between Dover
and Austin on a Wednesday, so I considered that now a time of job
and used to always make dua on that time. And you would see the
answer to their dua his while and now that location where the
prophet did that is called mustard fat. And on this ombre trip, we're
going to do that we're going to go there, and I made sure that we're
there on Wednesday to where they're on Wednesday, and we're
gonna that's the last
thing we're going to do in Medina. It's going to be on the fourth day
we're going to go too much in effect on Wednesday and make drop
between Dawn and Austin.
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