Sarah Sultan – Trauma 08 How Can I Ever Get Past This

			Bismillah salatu salam ala Rasulillah Juana Le he was happy you are Manuela, and my bad Santa Monica
want to have a low Marketo. This is Sarah Sultan, here with European Institute. And today I want to
speak with you a little bit about one of the thoughts that tend to come up for us when we've been
through particularly difficult times in our lives. And we feel like our self esteem, our sense of
self worth, our identities are shaken. And that thought is how can I ever get past this, some people
might consider this thought to be a victim mentality, kind of thought. And I think that that's a
little bit of a of a very strong statement to hold it under that. But when we do think along the
		

			lines of how can I ever get past this, when we've been through a difficult situation we set
ourselves up for, for labeling ourselves as hopeless and helpless. And we don't want to do that
labeling is a cognitive distortion. And cognitive distortions are negative thought patterns that
tend to impact us in in harmful ways. Labeling is where we take one quality of a person and we
generalize it to the whole person. And we identify the entire person based on that one quality. And
so we often do that to ourselves. But we also often do that to other people in our lives. So for
example, somebody might see that her husband is becoming seems a little bit distant from her. And so
		

			she says to herself, I must be unlovable, right? You label she labels herself as unlovable, or
somebody's child doesn't do well, in their math class. And so they start to be very self critical
and say, If only I had spent more time with my child, then I'm a bad mother, or I'm a bad father
labeling themselves under this, this negative label as a whole person, when we can differentiate
between a problematic area in our life or a behavior versus generalizing that to our entire being,
then that's going to be a much healthier way of approaching the the conversation. This also really
applies to our spiritual health as well, in our relationship with Allah subhana data, a lot of times
		

			people will say things like, I'm just a bad Muslim, I'm beyond hope, I'm a sinner, right, labeling
themselves as a bad Muslim, or as a sinner, rather than labeling themselves as somebody who is
struggling in the way of Allah subhanaw taala, or somebody who is a repenter, who makes mistakes,
but yet still repent, solace Pattana, and tries to become closer to him. That label is something
that would be positive, a negative label, like I'm just a sinner, that leaves us with the idea that
we are powerless to change, because what we believe is that the problem isn't in what we're doing.
The problem is fundamentally within us as a person, because we've labeled ourselves in that way. And
		

			that's why this particular cognitive distortion can be really detrimental. So one thing to be self
aware of when it comes to the cognitive distortion of labeling is that no matter how much evidence
or how many external factors you find in your life, that prove against whatever label you've labeled
yourself with, it's never going to make any sense to you. Because it's embedded deep within you that
you have this negative belief about yourself. If you believe yourself to be a bad Muslim, then no
matter how many pages of Quran you're reading, or how many prayers you're praying, you're never
going to believe yourself to be getting closer to Allah subhanaw taala. Because you don't believe
		

			that's feasible for you, you feel powerless to change who you feel like you are. And so one thing to
be careful of is that within us, we have the capability of empowering either our inner critic,
meaning that voice in our minds that tries to push us to be better, but does it in a very cruel way
that actually prevents us from getting better, or the nurturing coach that also we have the power
of, of giving a voice to, which tries to push us forward to become better, but does it in a gentler
way. So the practical tip to keep in mind about this is how do I activate my nurturing coach versus
my inner critic is if you're asking yourself questions like, am I a good Muslim or a bad Muslim? Am
		

			I a good father or a bad father, good mother, bad mother, good or bad? Like these very, very strong
terms. If you're using these very strong terms, then transforming them to realize that nobody ever
completely fit falls under label constantly. Right? So asking yourself instead, what are my
strengths and weaknesses? What are the areas that I'm really good at in terms of raising my
children? And what are the areas that could use some improvement? What are the areas that I'm really
struggling to fulfill in terms of my worship with ls Pat data, and what are the areas that I'm doing
well in and that I can build upon? That's the difference between giving a voice to the critical
		

			voice in your head and using harsh words with yours
		

			out, and the gentler voice in your head that's going to try to propel you to be the best person that
you can be. If you'd like to learn more about the cognitive distortion of labeling, then make sure
to check out your pain Institute's new installment of the series Your Lord has not forsaken you