Safi Khan – Soul Food Healthy Space in Relationships
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the importance of healthy boundaries and friendships in personal life, emphasizing the need for clear boundaries and setting them in a way that makes for a healthy and safe environment. It is crucial to avoid harms and maintain a authentic mentality, while also avoiding sharing personal information and staying true to one's values. Publicizing one's sin for the benefit of others is a form of regret, and it is best to avoid sharing personal information and stay cautious during the pandemic.
AI: Summary ©
hear whether you're in college or you're studying at some level,
there's a lot of different kinds of components that will present
themselves to you when it comes to the winter break. And so one of
the topics that we thought was really beneficial is to discuss
the ideas of relationships, not, you know, just, you know, any
specific relationship or relationship as a whole. And the
topic specifically that we want to go over today was healthy speech
and relationships. And some of the thoughts on a sudden, Murphy
inshallah will elaborate on this a little bit. But you know, just
from being in college, all of us have gone through that college
phase in our lives, you start to understand that college kind of
presents an interesting, interesting challenge for people,
your lives are a little bit harder as you get older, right? And it's
harder to kind of handle those relationships as you get older. So
how do you establish that space in your relationships? How do you,
you know, in the, in the example of the prophets of salaam Are
there ways that you can spread your time evenly between yourself,
your family, your social obligations, whatever it may be
your community? And so all of those questions and those
conversations inshallah we aim to have today. And so we'll start off
with some other thoughts, and then a sudden working. And then as we
usually do on Thursdays, we'll do a q&a with all of us at the end.
And if anybody has any questions, we'll give you guys a cool kind of
link to follow on your browser where you can just kind of send an
anonymous questions if you're not comfortable asking a lot of right
now. So without further ado, we'll hand it off to Fatuma to get us
started and Sean level transition from there.
Sorry, can you guys hear me? Well?
Rubbish lovely Saturday, when so the family was looking at me,
certainly, the alcohol going broke musically.
So today, we're talking about relationships, we're talking about
the healthy boundaries have in relationships. And what's very
interesting is that a lot of times when the word relationship comes
up, I know like industrial 90% of you guys immediately went to
romantic relationships. And that is not the only type of
relationship that someone has. You have friends, you have family, you
have acquaintances, you have coworkers, you have, you know,
friends of friends, right. So there are different relationships,
and those different relationships have different responsibilities.
Okay. And those different responsibilities means that you
have to fulfill those responsibilities. Now, what
happens when you have say, for instance, a responsibility to your
parents. And maybe when you're in high school, when you're in middle
school, that responsibility to your parents, the way that it
manifests was you spending time with them, maybe doing the dishes,
maybe making sure you're doing your responsibilities in the
house, or whatever the case may be. That's kind of you had a
little bit more time. You know, you're on their schedule, they
picked you out, they dropped you off, they took you where you want
to where do you need it to go? You are on their schedule. And now
that you have your own schedule, you're kind of doing your own
thing. In college, you pick your own classes, and things of that
nature, you still have this responsibility. But now your time
availability or your time commitment is a little bit less.
And how would you manage that? Because you want to throw in now
that I have friends as well, people I want to spend time with.
So how do I manage all of these things? What's very interesting is
that as human beings, sometimes what we do, is that we think in a
way that's very unbalanced. And there's a companion of the Prophet
Muhammad Sallallahu sallam. His name is Abdullah been out of the
house. And I've been on iOS. He was somebody who was very pious,
he was very quiet. And he was spent a lot of time devoting
himself to alas Mungo. And what happened was that one day the
Prophet Muhammad salallahu Alaihe Salam came to him. And he asked
him, he said, Oh, Abdullah, and after the number of hours, he
replies, he says, he under civil law, and the process I'm told him,
he says, someone told me that you like the fast all day. And then
you pray or you stand in prayer all night. Okay. You like the fast
all the time, and you like to pray every single night. And Abdullah
bin Ahmed, our US reply to him, What do you guys think? He said,
Yeah, I like to, do you think he was like shy about it? No, he was
very actually proud about it. He's like, Yes, this is what I do.
Every single day. And I pray every single night.
So the Prophet says, He tells him Don't do that. The Apostle son
told him don't do that process. I said, No, you should not do that.
Is this something that's bad is praying bad? Is fasting bad? Why
the process some say no, don't do it. Well, the process on them turn
and advise until I've been on I've been on us, and he told him he
said
You should fast sometimes, and sometimes you don't. And then you
should pray in the night sometimes, and stem and not in the
night and prayer supplies. And sometimes we also sleep. And he
tells him This is because your body has a right over you, your
eyes have a right over you, and your wife and your family have a
right of you. And what this teaches us is the aspect of
balance in our lives. That there there's a time and a place for
everything. There's a time and a place for friends. There's a time
and a place for family, there's a time and a place for devotion to
Allah subhanaw taala. And there's a time and a place for eating
yourself. And you have to be good at playing Tetris with all of
these pieces, because it's not necessarily that they will all
line up. If I sat here and told you that if you made a schedule
every single day, I will spend time with my family from this time
to this time, spend time with my friends from this time, this time,
do my homework from this time, this time and give myself time and
pray. And it will work out perfectly. life's great,
everybody's happy. I will be the biggest liar in the world. Because
there are other aspects and factors that come in to your life.
It's like a big game of Tetris, where you're making things fit in
accordance to the time and in accordance to what's going on at
that moment for them to fit. We have the Prophet Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi salam. And we talked about him so much, because
he's our role model was fantastic. I kind of Canada complete as soon
as I hit
that you will find in the Messenger of Allah, a perfect
example, a role model. So you have that the Prophet Muhammad
sallallahu alayhi salam did not think he had a lot of free time.
He thought he was just chillin all the time. So rhetorical questions,
actual question. You cannot Yes, or No, it's very easy, good. No,
he did it. The process has not had a lot of free time. But the
proximal some prioritize and organize his time to get his
responsibilities done. That you don't have narration of the
process on his wife saying they felt neglected by him. And you
don't have narrations of the community member saying they felt
neglected by him or his friends.
In fact, you have the complete opposite, that there's entire
collections have a heavy, they talk about the mannerisms and the
way and the character of the processes.
And in one particular narration is one of the companions talks about
how the process was to people, and how long the process was with
somebody, or the process on you know, having responsibility to
somebody, he always fulfilled that responsibility. One. In two, when
he was with them, he was very much so present. He was very much so
there, he was attentive, he will turn to them, he will have a
conversation with them, he would talk to them. And they said that
it made them feel like they were the only person in the room.
Sometimes when we're really busy, and we're trying to make time for
people, that person can feel that we're making time for them. We're
talking to them, but we're looking at our phone, we're looking at our
watch, we're like, Oh, don't forget, I have to leave at exactly
445.
And so that time that you're spending with this person, sure,
it's time but it's not attention.
And so it's more stressful than it is actually fulfilling a
responsibility.
You have that the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam was sitting one
day, and a companion comes in from Sussan, he starts to ask the
process, a question. And this particular question you ask, no
one should ask it once they absolutely know the answer to it.
Okay, no one should ask them. Ask it unless you absolutely know the
answer to it.
So this companion because of how much time the process used to give
him and how close he felt to the process, and how beloved he felt
like the process, the most beloved way that the process I'm treated
him, he asked across the center, he's like, who's your favorite?
Yeah, for him, who is your favorite?
Would you ask for money? That question, if you are not confident
that they will say, you know, I'm not even asking that question, as
I'm confident because there's a little bit of doubt. There's a
little bit of doubt in my mind. There's a little bit of software
you're a little bit overconfident in this one.
But that's how beloved and how loving and how caring how
attentive the process of him was to this person. So he asked me who
do you like who's your favorite? And so when he asked him that,
then the process um says I'm working
for the law firm.
And the companions are your two best firm I get it like
Have you ever buddies you hang out? You probably have sleepovers
like I get it. Then he says after that first sorry the first person
said Was it
and then the Catania said, I get it, that's your life. You know,
that's your one if you guys that's you're married to her, you guys
live in the same policy house, I understand. So then after that, he
said, Okay, after her who, and the process I'm sent a boo Ha, her
father, Bakr, Siddiq.
And the complaints are okay, I get it, like you're married to a
daughter. And you know, you guys are best friends, like always. And
then he said after that, and the process, and we kept naming other
companions, because the guy kept inquiring. It wasn't the process,
almost like throwing everything his face, but they kept asking,
and then eventually, he gets the point. Okay, that, but what we
learn here is that within our relationship is so important for
us that the time that we are able to Allah, because it's not all the
time, but you'll be able to a lot a lot of time, with the time that
we're able to let the wills present with people.
That is how you actually create healthy boundaries and
relationships. Because you're maybe getting upset with your
parents, because they're requiring a lot of you. You're like, I just
spent time with you five seconds ago, and I've been in the house
all day. Sure you've been in the house all day. But are you
actually spending time with them? When they're having a conversation
with you? Are you talking to them? Are you on your phone?
Are you giving them that actual presence that they're they're
expecting from you?
So sometimes we're like, Man, this person's solo meeting, I was just
in a car with him for 45 minutes, what were you doing in the call
with that person for 45 minutes?
Was it just you're on your phone or doing something else or reading
something or doing this, and they're just driving, that's not
spending time.
So we have to understand that the way that things work in life is
that things are unknown. It's very rare. So today, you may have more
time next week, you
know, so when you make that carve out that time for people, when you
carve out the country, your family, your friends, the
acquaintances, whatever the case may be, then you do it in an
appropriate manner, and you make sure that you are present.
Another the second point that I wanted to make is that things are
not always only that there are times where it's possible for you
to do a whole lot for your family, or for your friends. It's
possible. But then when the Elanco semester comes, and it's time for
finals, do you know your own name? No, you're just buried in your
books.
And at that time is very important to communicate. I'm gonna
disappear for about a week, because I have finals. Well, I
promise I'll be back.
And we can spend some time together. And we can catch up.
You have in the life of the process on the different things
came at different times and things like
that there are times where he was just spinning it running the
community and inside of Medina, then there were times where he had
to go out to battle.
He didn't neglect his family, he didn't neglect.
But they just took on a different form at that time.
And sometimes us maintaining relationships with the people that
we need to maintain relationships with take on a different form,
depending upon what's going on in our life in that time. And that's
completely okay.
The last point that I wanted to make is when we talk about having
healthy boundaries with someone that we may not necessarily get
along with, or someone that we may not necessarily believe is a good
influence on us. Or someone who we may not necessarily agree with
their views or whatever the case may be.
This story of the Packman says, it really hits me because it gives me
an understanding of how I'm to deal with people.
So there's a time when a man comes in ask for permission to talk to
the pastor mountainside. So these are time hits home with Aisha.
And so when this man requested us to have a conversation with
departments or some
departments or some talks to actually be left aligned, and he
lets her know that this person is not the best person to be around.
So he asked her to basically go to the moon. So she goes to a
another. Now I should really want to learn how I can still hear
what's happening. So the man enters the process on gluten. He
talks him very kindly. They have their conversation is very short.
And then the guy
goes about this way.
I should really want to learn how it comes out of the room. And she
says she's confused. She's like, you just told me this guy's not
the best person. But you're talking to him like you guys are
like, you know, trying to like you're talking to him very timely.
And the Prophet Muhammad was all over them seven said, she
literally tells him he talked to him so softly. So she felt that
you spoke to him in a very, he says Lulu and lentil
that useful to him in a very soft manner, in a very lenient way.
And the process on replies to her he tells her, that actually the
worst person, what will make a person that the worst person is
the one who stops speaking to somebody because of that person's
indecency, meaning like, everybody deserves to be treated with
dignity and respect.
That is your abandon one responsibility in relationships
that you don't want no part of someone comes to you have a
conversation with you. You're not really fond of this person. Don't
go out your way to cuss them out.
Don't go out your way to be rude and disrespectful.
No, there is no need for that. Keep the conversation very short.
Keep it respectful and keep it.
That's what we learned from the process. So three things one,
recognize that sometimes you have to play Tetris with your life. And
if you're not good at Tetris, you might as well start getting it
down. Because that's the way life goes. That you have to play Tetris
with feel like sometimes things don't line up. And you have to
make time for people you have to make time for family you have to
make time for your responsibilities. To recognize one
is playing Tetris to recognize the importance of there's a time and a
place for everything, that there's a time for worship, there's a time
for family, there's a time for yourself, there's a time for
friends, and make sure you're very intentional about those times. And
number three, when you're when you're in the company of someone
that you may not want a relationship with that all that
the bare minimum responsibility that you have is to treat that
person with dignity and respect. Because there
is a plan for love not the hamburger no sugar
mess that little girl wanted to be.
So I can everybody
from the lounge salatu salam ala Rasulillah while earlier he was
having one of the most beautiful things about sun, there's so many
different amazing things. One of the most beautiful things is that
the sun truly gives you a guide or a guidance on how to navigate like
literally every situation.
Whether or not it's there is not the question but whether or not
we're able to sort of understand it is really the question. So this
topic of how to build and maintain healthy relationships is something
that believe it or not, but for Anna's full of like absolutely
full up, you have all these different stories of individuals
that have to navigate their relationships with their friends
and family. What are some that you can think of anybody?
What are some names of people on the on the email that they have
like family dynamics therapy?
You can you can leave your mouth covered.
Okay, good. The prophets Islam dealing with love and obey who was
one of his, one of his adversaries in Medina. Okay, good. Anybody
else?
You said very good. Right? So you said we have the story of Prophet
Yusuf with his brothers. And then on top of that, within that story,
you have the father with his son, so there's like layers, what else?
You have very good news and his son. I mean, that's like a
heartbreaking story of how one we knew literally telling his son
like Come with me. And his son saying, No, I have a I have a
better idea. I'm gonna go over there on top of that mountain,
I'll be safe. What else?
Who,
but I don't know his wife. I see. Yeah, right. The incredible man,
that story is amazing, dude. The story of asking for Alan's
incredible I mean, we're talking about you know, female role models
for everybody. But from, from the women man's Pamela, what a
powerful story. I mean, she literally sacrificed her life,
literally was, you know, sacrificed her life in that way.
Subhan Allah and Allah Allah promised her this amazing reward
and Paradise because it's just for conviction, man, like, unwavering,
so solid anybody else?
Good, Musa, has Mousavi said I'm his mother.
When she had to trust in Allah and put her son in a basket and sent
him down the river, that's crazy. Do you believe that? All these
dynamics of trust right with her young son anyone else? I think we
got like seven or eight already. Anybody else?
Nobody said the one that I'm going to talk about tonight.
Who
lives in his family whose daughter is what? Yet? That's another one.
I'm talking tonight about Ibrahim.
Ibrahim, I said I'm his father is an incredible story. And the
reason you know what, why does the Quran give us so many stories of
so many different dynamics and relationships? Well, it doesn't
cover every single specific possible relationship. That's not
possible, right? Because at the end of the day, it is a book that
has a beginning and an end. Okay, and as time goes on, there will
always be, you know, new scenarios with little wrinkles that are
different. But the Quran gives us principles that you can derive
from these stories. And whether or not you think you can, you can
actually apply those principles, flawlessly in your own life, and
there's so much benefit. We're going to talk about the story,
Ibrahim, I have set up this father tonight. And the reason why I
chose this story is because many of us, you know we have
friendships and we have different relationships that are still the
pots are mentioned. And in those friendships, ultimately, whether
or not you know, we remain in those relationships is our choice.
Right? So you can be friends with somebody, and then you can decide
not to be friends with them, you can kind of slowly move on but
with your family with your parents. In particular, that's not
a choice that you have, right? I mean, for the general rule is that
you're going to be your parents kid until forever, right. And of
course, there's exceptions, extreme exceptions, but we're not
going to talk about those. We're just talking about the general
rule. You are your father's son, your mother, son, or your father's
daughter, your mother daughter forever. No matter how big you get
them by how old you get, you're always going to be their baby.
That's just the way it is. And with every relationship, whether
it's parental, whether it's spouses, whether it's siblings,
there's always good times and bad times, there's always high and
low. And so the Quran, Allah subhanaw taala gives us the cert
Rahim is and how he dealt with what was inevitably a very
difficult conversation. What was that conversation, the
conversation was Ibrahim is, was given the charge of messenger
ship, he was chosen as in the Wii. And his father was heavily
involved in not just worshipping idols, but in actually rejecting
His prophet that his father and their people were actually
directly opposed to Abraham myosin. So how then, would Ibrahim
A son speak to his father? What kind of relationship boundary with
this create? Is it the case that if your father is not only
committing sherek, but it's like directly fighting against you,
that you would be able to speak to them in a way that is aggressive?
or raise your voice or curse at them? Maybe what's the threshold?
Right? What's the what's the protocol here? What's the edit?
And I think you'll be shocked actually, to find what you're
gonna him? I said, I'm does and how amazing he handles the
situation. And obviously, in that, you know, if a child with their
parents, whether it's father, mother, son or daughter, if that
is being demonstrated here, and that is the pinnacle of
relationships, then how then should we be dealing with the
people around us that are not at that level? Right. So it starts by
Ibrahim, I said Allah to Allah telling us and sort of marry him.
That is on early Abhi. He evety Lima time to do mellitus metal.
Well, I have zero, what are you using neon cache? That Oh, my
father and that ebbetts He is a is in the form of endearment. So it's
he's not saying Oh, my Oh, my dad or Oh, Dad. Yeah, maybe he's
saying, Yeah, Betty, which means My dear father, like it's almost
bringing him closer to so that level of intimacy that I'm not
speaking to you as like a stranger. I'm not yelling at you.
I'm not making you feel bad. I'm actually trying to have a
conversation with you. And then what he does, is he tries to
reason with his dad. Has anyone here ever tried to reason with
your parents?
If your parents aren't here, you can, you can not, don't worry,
we're not going to report back to them. You try to logic with them?
How many of you, you tried to reason with them and it just did
not work? But you thought you had your argument pretty well laid
out. Okay. And I always tell you know, especially college students
who are trying to convince their parents of something, it's not
always like a big deal, but something that reason sometimes
doesn't work. You have to appeal to the emotional side, right? But
he actually begins by telling his dad, like, Listen, this thing
you're worshiping. You might have to do melasma or why are you
worshiping to me that can't even hear you? Like, think about it?
logically, this thing can't hear you. You're You're uttering your
prayers with your tongue. And this stone in front of you can't hear
you. While you absolutely can't even see you. So it doesn't know
who's talking to it, it can't hear anything. And ultimately what
you'll need it. Yeah, it doesn't benefit you at all in the least
bit. So he's trying to start a conversation with his father
because they had a disagreement. So number one is this. In all
relationships, when there is some sort of conflict or tension,
you're going to feel it? It's almost always the wrong idea just
to let it stew and bruise.
Right, it's almost always the wrong idea, like ignoring kind of
being passive, like, okay, it'll solve itself, it'll resolve
itself. That doesn't mean that you have to be the opposite, like
super aggressive and come out guns blazing and try to like burn the
place down. That's also not the case. But to ignore something
that's definitely there that's being felt by both parties that
there needs to be resolution. The answer is not to ignore and to let
it get worse and greater and bigger of a problem. If it only
matters to them. It's a tough conversation, but he wants to
broach this conversation with his father. And so he tells him, what
is your logic and he's not speaking to him patronizing. By
the way, he's not trying to speak down his father. He's genuinely
asking him, what is it that causes you to devote yourself to this
thing that cannot help you? What is it he wants to know? And he
says to him again, he says, Yeah, Betty, in the Fajr, Ernie,
Menendez, the old me, man, I'm yet Tikka. Amazing. What is he trying
to say? says, Oh, my father, knowledge has come to me, which
has not come to you. I know in English, when you translate it
sounds a little bit disrespectful. But actually, in the Arabic
rhetoric, this is the really nice way of saying it. Right?
Basically, he's not trying to say, Oh, Dad, you're you're not smart,
or Oh, Daddy, you're an idiot, or Oh, Dad, you're really dumb. He's
not trying to say that he's actually trying to protect his
father from that. So he's saying it just so happen, that this
knowledge ended up with me. And it's not it didn't it didn't come
to you, meaning it's not your fault. It's not your fault that
you're not a prophet, but I'm not trying to blame you. You're not
trying. So what's he doing in this moment of tension of
confrontation? He's actually trying to remove the onus from his
dad. If you guys ever had like a debate or discussion or something,
where you disagreed with somebody like vehemently How hard is it be
honest? How hard is it to speak more in the passive form to remove
any blame from that person whatsoever? It's so difficult
because the nuts just wants to pin it on that person. Like like like
a tail on the donkey to the nuts just wants to be like you You made
that mistake. It was your fault it was businesses. But what Islam
teaches us what the prophets also taught us is that it's actually
our job to make excuses for the person it's actually our job to
try to find ways to kind of like remove the person from culpability
from guilt. So everyone here is anime is doing just that here.
He's telling his father Oh, Father, maybe the reason you're
doing this is because the knowledge that has come to me this
knowledge of Islam is why it hasn't come to you. So again, it's
when you translated might come across as a little bit
condescending but in the Arabic it's actually not. So he says what
tibia acne and because it often so yeah, follow me. I will lie to
you. I will be there for you. You don't have to do it on your own.
Follow me and I will take you to the even the straight path. Yeah,
Betty. Let's start with the shape on in the shale. Donna. Candidate
rock man yeah, I'll see ya. Oh, my father, my dear father, please do
not follow shirt on and notice he's not even telling his dad that
you are an obviously you're not saying you are a you know, a
sinful person. He's he's actually removing the sin away from his dad
two levels. So he's saying laptop with the shape on don't devote
yourself to shape on because why in the shape on a candidate
recommended also? Yeah. Because Shavon has taken Allah as the one
that he is going to be disobedient from? What is he saying? Obviously
his dad is being disobedient. He could have very quickly just said,
what? Oh my Father, don't be disobedient. That don't stop doing
this dad. Stop making these mistakes. But in order to protect
the dignity of his father, he blames it on shade lawn, and then
doesn't even say shaytaan is influencing you. But he says shade
on ultimately his job is to disobey Allah. And so what is in
between the lines as we say in English is the idea that if you
follow chef on and his job is to disobey Allah, then inevitably you
will also fall that way. See, this is the kind of perfect
added character that is just amazing, like, actually amazing
when you read it and you're like, what kind of thought, what kind of
strategy? What kind of heart must have been there to where he
actually says it like this? This is like playing chess dude.
Have you guys ever stopped when you're talking to somebody and you
have a disagreement, you're like, Let me gather my thoughts. So I
don't make a mistake. So I don't say something wrong. Have you guys
ever uttered something that you immediately wish you didn't say,
in the middle of a conversation, whether it's with your parents or
your friends, if you guys ever sent a text message to the wrong
person, you sent a text message about somebody to somebody,
and then you got to act, you got to make up something real.
Right? So all of that is to say that it actually when it comes to
developing these boundaries, okay, because we're still going to talk
about the boundaries here. We still haven't gotten there yet.
Relationships are very thoughtful things. relationships don't happen
to you. You actually build them.
You know, relationships don't just fall upon you and you have to deal
with it. No, you actually have to take your own time. You have to
think about it. You have to plan. I mean, just like people plan
where they're going to eat. Yesterday, I literally not joking,
spent one hour deciding where I was gonna get dinner for my
family. It was the worst. I hate that kind of stuff. It took so
long, we ended up getting pizza.
Right? And the reason why is because every I was literally
taking into account some people didn't want to have Desi food.
Some people didn't want to have this cuisine. Some people didn't,
because not because they don't like it, but because they had it
recently, right. So we were able to finally get but that you know,
as painful as that one hour was, can I tell you something everybody
loved the pizza.
They did. Why because thoughtfulness is always rewarded.
thoughtfulness is always rewarded when a person, if not by the
people, by Allah.
When a person takes care to manage their character and not be
destructive and toxic, it's always rewarded. Now, Ibrahim's father
spoiler alert, I don't want to ruin it for you, but he doesn't
end up listening. I'm sorry if I ruined it for you.
He doesn't end up listening. So his thoughtfulness technically is
not rewarded by his father but what is his thoughtfulness
rewarded by Allah tells us at the very end, we'll talk about it and
trauma. So then he says, Yeah, devotee in a thoughtful AVMS are
that woman or money that I fear listen to this man. Subhanallah he
doesn't say that God might punish you. He said, I fear that you must
suck up must say means to touch something very lightly. He says
I'm afraid that punishment might graze you know when you something
like you say like Grace, I'm afraid that it might barely grace
you.
Punishment from who not from God. Not from the one that is starting
with punishment. Right? Should you call not that from who a rough
man. So even when he's talking about potentially the consequence?
Oh, my father, I'm afraid that it might be possible that this
consequence from the Most Merciful might graze you see how he's
trying to protect his dad from any culpability any ownership of this
upon Allah. And he says that end Fetzer Kunis fifth, hakuna Alicia
Bani Walia. And you might end up after dedicating yourself to shave
on, you might end up his best friend, his companion, I don't
want you to go there. I don't want you to be duped. It's like you're
trying to convince your friend not to join a pyramid scheme. Right?
You're like, please don't no one laughs I'm afraid now. You're all
part of pyramid schemes. Right? Or it's not funny grow to legitimate
business. Okay, no, it is it's a genuine concern. But you can hear
the desperation brought his voice. Okay. What is his dad say? Allah,
rah, he won't enter an alley hottie. He says, Do you not have
any sort of desire or any motivation for my gods? Yeah,
Ibrahim. Ibrahim, you have no desire to take part in what we've
been doing our fathers, our forefathers, et cetera.
He says Then he says Lambton techie. Love Drummond NACA. He
says if you don't stop, I am going to do Roger some of you what's
Roger?
Stone something that will Germanica I'm going to take stones
and I'm going to pound you in the face with them.
I'm going to take rocks and I'm going to throw right at your head
point blank. I'm going to stone you so you get away from me. Okay,
what Giuliani Melia get far away from me, leave me alone forever.
For a long time. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see
you. I don't even want you to come across my face. So he's trying so
hard.
But his father just does not take the advice he tried. Now where how
many of us here if we were in this situation, man, I failed I tried
my best it didn't work. You know what next time I'm just gonna come
in there and smack the person across I'm just gonna go guns
blazing being nice doesn't work on all this kind of stuff right and
it's easy I'll be I'll be the first to tell you it's easy to go
that route because why it makes enough feel good like I don't want
to have to work hard if it's going to fail anyways Why not at least
you know get my anger out while I'm there. And you know where I
you know where this is the worst is with young children.
Anyone here had children? Hopefully not okay. Anyone here
have
like young cousins or young siblings? And you know like it's
dealing with the most irrational creatures on earth. This morning I
kid you not well law he this happened. This is not made up.
My son Musa. My daughter woke up. She was baffled. I go yeah, we'll
have Waffles. Waffles and doughnuts. I was like relaxed,
carb loaded. Okay. We're running a marathon tomorrow, relax. So we're
going on stairs, we make waffles. And my kids are eating waffles.
Blueberries on the side. Nice little paneled breakfast. And my
son Musa thinks it's really funny to eat food like a conveyer belt.
So he like puts his food there and he goes, and he doesn't know what
ends up happening. He bites his finger. Alright, because the
conveyor belt doesn't stop and time. He's still working on those
motor skills. So he bites his finger really bad. Imagine like I
don't know if you guys have heard of like that your tongue or your
cheek or where you where you don't realize it's gonna happen and you
bite it full force and it's pretty painful, right? Poor kids. He bit
his finger really hard.
I look over it just starts crying and screaming takes the waffles
flips them like an angry TV show that flips a look exploded
literally. Importantly, monitors like sandwiches like can I have
those like she wants whatever she sees. Musa runs to the floor dive
dramatic starts crying. Right? And here I am looking at him. I didn't
even have my coffee. I'm looking at him like you're crying and then
he was getting away from me everyone get away from me. I don't
want waffles anymore. I go you're upset because you bit your own
finger.
As I'm thinking my head like you're mad at me because you beat
your finger.
Well, how Why are you mad at anybody but yourself.
And I was gonna you know as as as it's like, 840 in the morning.
It's not like the the happiest time for me until I've had my
coffee. I was gonna be like Musa it's your fault, man.
Baba tells you to eat normally like a normal human being. Why do
you have to have a cartoon?
I was gonna just like a load on him. So then what did I do? I
remembered my friends is a child psychologist. He said whenever you
want to do that, sit down, get to their level, get face to face and
talk to them. Don't yell at them.
So I sat down, he was lying down. So I actually kind of lied on my
side. I said did you bite your finger Baba, he starts crying
more. Because whenever whenever kids do something that they hurt
themselves with never say it again. Because then they're
reliving the trauma. Also, don't show them the mirror. Because when
they see their face that we cry, they cry more.
So you put your finger bodily starts crying. It's like, well, I
know that hurt, didn't it? I said can I tell you a secret? What's
going to help? He was what I said. If we put ice on it. An ice pack?
Yes, I put an ice pack on my son's bitten finger. It did not help.
But mentally it did. What's the point of this? The point of this
is that when you want to unleash on somebody,
it's almost never the right idea.
99 out of 100 times, right? It's not going to work. So
but in this case, he was nice and it still didn't work. So now we're
kind of like, well, what should I do? Realize that when you lose
yourself to somebody else, and it doesn't, it doesn't take you're
actually losing a piece of yourself. But as long as you
maintain your character in that moment, you're actually preserving
yourself. Even if that person punches you right in the face. At
least you didn't lose yourself.
You said I'm saying Ibrahim Isilon could have been like you are a
Kaffir you are this this this this this God's gonna curse you that
and then his dad would have had what the same response? But who
wins in that conversation? Who wins Subhanallah So Ibrahim, I
said that his father says Get away from me. So then what did you say?
Oh, Allah said I'm gonna alayka he says, Oh, that Peace be upon you.
If this is the end of the road, this is the end of the road. So
I'm gonna alayka
still fuel laka I'm going to seek forgiveness for you. On your
behalf. I'm going to ask a lot of forgive you.
Self funeral like Robbie? In who can I be happy? Yeah. My Lord is
very good to me. He's so gracious to me. Maybe if I asked he will
forgive you on my behalf. And then he says well
silicone, rubber mats are their own and doing Allah, where there
will not be as a Kuno. Hakuna be there aren't you rubbish after a
year, he says that I will leave you, I will fulfill your requests,
whatever you like. And I'm also going to leave those that you are
praying towards this isn't me submitting. So this is the final
lesson that I want to take for you guys tonight before we take
questions to sha Allah. And that is what
Ibrahim did not lose his principle, while maintaining good
character. Sometimes we think it's a choice. In order for me to have
good relationships, I either have to be nice and concede. Or I have
to remain firm on my principle, and I can be a jerk.
Very rarely do you find people that say, I'm going to be super
nice, but I'm going to be principled.
You guys get what I'm saying. So we say okay, you know what, if I'm
nice to this person, part of me being nice is giving up my
principal and doing what I don't want to do. Because I don't want
to make them feel uncomfortable. I don't want to make them feel like
I'm judging them. I don't want to make them feel like they're wrong.
So I'm going to be nice to them. And you know what, that's a really
good thought. It's just not completely correct. The person
means well, it's just not completely correct. The other side
is also really bad, which is, this person is so far gone, they're so
wrong. I can't believe they would do this. I'm gonna just go all
out. I don't have to be nice to these people. I don't have to be
nice to them. I'm going to make sure that they know that they are
wrong. Ibrahim, I said I'm here. And if you look at the CEO of the
Prophet saw some teach us the middle ground, which is what you
can be absolutely the sweetest person while saying no, guys
growing up in college, I had friends who drank smoke party,
everything. And they would invite me I was cool. was
and I would just have to say no. And then they would be like, Why
come on? Like, it's just not my fingers. I'll see you guys
tomorrow. We'll play basketball tomorrow morning, when you're all
hungover. And I'll dunk on you. Alright, I'll cross you over
because you can't stop me. Literally, that was the
conversation. Or maybe it wasn't about the drinking, necessarily,
but they would go to gatherings places where I wasn't interested
in being because it went against my principles. They would go
somewhere and I knew that they were going to miss the prayer. And
I didn't want to go for whatever reason, right? For that reason. I
didn't tell them like guys.
You're gonna watch a movie, while shaitan is next to you.
While the angels curse you. Alright, throw him a little
reminder. Like, Hey, guys, just make sure you pray before you go.
Is it? Right or something like that? And I would always make
plans to follow up later. Why? Because we don't excommunicate
anybody in Islam. We don't tell people like I can't. I can't be
seen with you, which is like a very common Sunday school
teaching, by the way. Only hang around good people that's like the
Sunday like what does that mean? Do? We all have weaknesses?
Imagine if like, only hang around good people, like some other
parents were telling this kid like, don't hang around him. His
beards not fizzling.
Don't hang around her hurt. And you're like, I'm not a bad person.
And the parents are like, Yes, you are. And they tell their kid don't
ever hang around. That was me. By the way. In middle school, high
school parents used to tell their kids don't hang around a bit of
men.
They used to say that I actually heard it, it was incredibly
hurtful, actually left that whole community for multiple years. I
sort of ghosted them, I left them on red. For four years, I didn't
want to be near that community because I heard parents saying
that.
Right. And only when I got old enough to understand that it was
their problem, not mine, that I come back, and Subhanallah those
very same parents. I started studying Islam seriously and give
me a call to keep talking to my kids. Gee hmm. And so remember,
establishing healthy boundaries in your life. You don't have to
cancel somebody. You don't have to give up your principles and do
what they're doing. You also don't have to make them feel like
garbage. You can be who you are and maintain your principle, while
still having healthy boundaries, just like anybody Am I surrounded?
Oh, my father, this is this is what's important to me. He said,
Don't you want to take part in when I'm worshiping Ibrahim said
no. But I'll pray for you in sha Allah. And I'll hope that Allah
Allah will be merciful towards you on behalf of my prayers. Allah
Tada says to him,
that his reward Subhan Allah is reward after that. He says For
lunch, our Tesla home
warmer Yeah, we're doing them and doing it last when Ibrahim left
them and he
also left what they worship besides Allah. Why does Allah Tala
say that by the way, Ibrahim was never really tempted to worship
other than Allah. But it is very tempting to go with the flow,
isn't it? Right? Like when you have a whole group of people
telling you something, even if you don't want to do it, it's kind of
easy to stick there because you're like, so he goes when he brought
him and left them and what they were worshiping meaning what he
didn't even budge an inch man. He was principal. Okay.
He says Allah Allah says, what happened? Allah who is Ha ha,
well, yeah, Kuba. We gave him as hot and Yaku
as his progeny. Why? Because what better reward? Good Ibrahim I said
I'm received for being a good son than getting good. Sons.
Right? That's what I mean by you might not win that battle. But
Allah, Allah will give you your word. Later. You'll get it and
you'll know and you'll understand. Okay.
And then he says at the end, that what will happen on min Rama,
Tina, Madonna on Lisa and sit sytropin Ali. Yeah, he says that.
And we also granted all of them our mercy. And we gave them a
reputation of the highest honor, Ibrahim is that and think about
all the stories that we tell about him. When you maintain your
principle, despite the fact that you're being pushed one way or
another, Allah Tada will always maintain your honor dignity,
even later on.
After everything's said and done, you will never ever be a person of
questionable character. And that's really the most important thing.
You may not win that discussion you're having right there. When
you hold firm to your principle, and you're kind, but you're not
budging. You may not feel so good. In that moment, I'm not gonna lie
to you, you may not feel the best. But as your life goes forward, and
your days, keep counting, and you make your relationships that
really matter to you, and they count and they're there, you will
never have to look back and ask myself, why did I compromise my
values? My principles for that? Why did I sell myself short? We
asked the last performance audit to give us the ability to maintain
our own spiritual health and to have boundaries that protect us. I
mean,
if you guys have any questions, Inshallah, we'll take them now.
Just a reminder, everybody, please Insha Allah, make sure that you
keep that lovely mask on. I know your faces look so beautiful
behind them. But we just want to make sure that nobody gets sick
and trauma.
Okay, any questions? For anybody? I can pass the mic
question
any questions about anything?
Okay.
So
I guess like this isn't something that it's not related to
so when we share those things
so because you're exposing those things are
still gonna
chat.
Yeah, so the question is, like, everyone's sharing the horrible
music that they listen to.
And I don't mean that just phenom. I mean, actually, the quality of
music goes to do so bad. It's such garbage. Okay.
Yeah, so Okay. So, you know, everyone who posts and we talked
about this a little bit last week for the social media session, or
two weeks ago, right? Yeah, we should make a deal. So, yeah, I
mean, the reality is, like, whatever you share, whatever you
show, you know, there's two, there's two things that happen.
The first is that like, you're liable for whatever people see. So
I want you guys to think about that. Like when you click, like
retweet or share a favor or something, and there's like
questionable stuff on the other side of that. So the person you
know, you might think it's funny, but it's actually a little bit
crude or whatever. It's not exactly how to share like for
every person that sees that as a result of your sharing it like you
have to answer for that right.
So that's number one. So just be careful. You know what I mean?
Just think twice. Honestly, think twice before you share before you
lengthy with anything. The second thing is, that's why whenever I
watch a TV show, by the way, I always tell people, I don't know
if you heard me yesterday. I always tell people if
was a TV show I'll legit will say guys, there's some palm seeds in
it, you have to skip over those. Because I don't want to tell
people like, Hey, watch the show. And then there's like just
straight up, like lewd haram things. And people are like, what
kind of hervor? Is he? Started who? Like, you know what I mean?
I'm very clear about it. I'm like, No, there's problems. As soon as
you see it, please fast forward. Everyone's like, it's okay. I get
it. I'm not saying I'm like mean either, bro. I'm just telling you
like, on the day judgment, when I get asked you recommend it such
and such to this person? I'll say yeah, a lot. I specifically told
them watch the okay parts as soon as it gets hot on, because all
those sexy and by the way, add nothing to the plot. Everyone
here, you shouldn't be nodding, you should be saying, I don't
know, I don't watch them. That's what you should be saying.
They had nothing. There's actually an entire like website called keep
in mind.com. That gives you where the scenes happen, so you can skip
them. And everyone here is like, oh, that's kind of over the top.
I'm like looking at I don't want my eyes to burn and hellfire. It's
just a reality. It's just a reality. Like, it doesn't have
anything to the plot. It's literally done so that people will
get aroused. That's it, just get over it. Just move on to the next
thing. Right.
So that's number one is you have to take ownership over that if you
expose somebody or something, you know, Mandela faded fairly, right.
So if you point someone to good, you get the reward. But the
opposite is also true. When
you do that the person who points to bad also gets there or to the
left means to lead someone to something. Okay. Like from
deleting from evidence to push somebody that way. So that's
number one. Number two, is that yes, like, ultimately, if you have
a habit that you're not proud of, then you need to hide it. Right?
You need to hide it just like you hide other things you're not proud
of. If somebody's not proud of something you want to do it.
And so that's just and it's not like a bad thing. People are like,
Oh, well, I listened to it anyways, I have to be me. I have
to be my 100% authentic self. No, you don't actually, you really
don't. No one wants to see your 100% authentic self. Nobody does.
Think about it. If you were your 100% authentic self, you said
everything you thought, right? You did everything you want it to
whenever you want it to, you're talking to somebody and you're
like you're boring, like right in their face.
You would have no friends. Right? Part of being a good person is
actually hiding your weaknesses. That's a whole that's part and
parcel thing. I have weaknesses. You do too. Why do you think
lowering the gaze is something so important?
Why do you think in Islam, the Quran tells us about all the
bustle to lower one's gaze because Allah Allah knows that the
National wants to look at something that's attracted to it,
but you have to hide that. You have to you have to restrain
yourself, right? Allah, Allah says what it means to live and they
swallow their anger. It's part of your nature to be angry, but you
have to hide it. So hiding the vulnerable sensitive parts of you
is actually a good thing. It's actually something that shows that
you care. Second class, you get a great back and you failed. Nobody
who failed is like check it out. You know, like, slides it up.
Whenever you get a bad grade. I remember when I was in school,
like 40 years ago, you would bend if they broke the grade in the
corner, you would kind of like bend it over. Right? And you don't
want I did that a lot. You know, you didn't want people to see it.
And I was just humble. I got A's I don't want people to get
subconscious around me the genius. So that was a joke. So I
everyone's like, Is he really that arrogant? I would fold it right?
Because you don't want people to see it. Right? So that's the same
thing. So if you have a bad habit, right? If you have
something that you're you're sensitive about? Absolutely.
Please don't share it. It's fine. You don't have to. Plus your music
tastes really bad.
Because everything's
okay.
Any other questions?
Yes.
I'm not giving it to hear for any like indication. I'm just having a
general because I just talked for a long time.
So, certainly.
So a big thing that I've learned about boundaries is that I'll do
this not necessarily for other people.
Because you can't control people. So I could draw a line right here
and say no one crossed this line, but that I don't have any control
over whether or not someone crosses that line. So the way to
set boundaries that you've set in a manner that you're able to still
maintain something without it necessarily depending upon the
other person. So say for instance, for example, what are the
boundaries that you want?
So
it could be like I go see, or know, uncle.
Now, that is something, I don't want this person to have all the
information about my wife, that boundary setting mature doing is
going into the conversation, recognizing that this is something
that I don't want this person to pass through a line that I want
this person across, that you know that this person is good at
crossing lines, as opposed to you don't give them an opportunity.
Meaning that the conversation cycle, when, for example, you
start a conversation with how're you doing? How's things going with
you? Okay, can
you go back home like, so what's very important here is recognizing
that one cannot control people and to when you set your boundaries,
you do it in a manner that makes for you to be able to follow and
for you to be able to navigate and not necessarily dependent upon
others.
Yeah, that's a really, that's really a good question, especially
because of the fact that it's, you know, family, right. Sometimes
it's harder to kind of establish boundaries, and
you know, your own, just personal space with family sometimes. But,
you know, it's something that I feel that I've been taught along
the way of my life. And this is why I actually mentioned in the
beginning of the session itself, that life just continues to get
kind of more complex as you get older, because you understand
everybody a little bit better as you get older. And that's why
like, people call it like, like, the egotistical stage when you're
a kid, right? Like, everything will off from you. But as you get
older, you start to kind of understand from other people's
perspective, what life means and what you mean to them what they
mean to you. There was a really, and this is gonna be a short
answer. But I think, you know, in Sharla, hopefully, it helps you
guys to help me, there was a lesson from the likes of Prophet
that it really hit me a lot. When I learned
that there was a moment in the Ceylon where it was actually
starting to be cool for the first time to be Muslim. This is after
the conquest of Mecca.
And people were actually wanting to be listened to that time. And
so people came to Medina to like, seek the prophets guidance, like a
lot of people came, right, it was like an overflow of people coming
into Medina seeking to be around the Prophet and kind of, you know,
being in this company and learning from him and being around him. And
naturally, as one singular human being, you know, that you cannot
give every single 100% of who you are to people all the time,
because you have your own responsibilities in your own
personal life. And so what he did was really interesting is that,
you know, specific narrations that that you know, after the for
between gopher and Oscar, he would be with the people in this
community from us or some other include be at home with his
family, while grocery shop back in the community information,
everyone uses
authentic narration, okay.
But there was something really cool at the end, where they said
that when the Prophet Solomon was with them, he was with them. He
wasn't aware of this. And seems simple, but that's really
profound. Because I think a kind of a difficult decision to make
is, are you just going to be with people all the time and sacrifice
the quality of your presence? Or would you rather be with them
during moments where you can, either May, how many of us
honestly hang out with people just for the sake of just being there,
but you're not really there. You know, like, you're just, you're
just there to hang out. But everyone knows that you're not
really mentally there, you're just kind of just hanging, it's like a
physical being this is there, but you're not mentally sick. So one
of our teachers, you know, taught us profoundly that it's better to
be qualitatively present, and quantitatively present. You know,
and people can tell that I personally don't know much at all,
but I really appreciate if I get like five minutes with somebody,
when they're fully there with me, rather than like an hour of them's
on their phone and just tired of living on you know, and I think
that's a really important principle growing up is that your,
your quality of your companionship is much higher than how many
minutes you put in, you know, nowadays, the reason why I'm gonna
rob the whole Spotify, remember, like, I honestly like didn't
close.
What when, when I posted that what I got bothered by was like, not
just like, really the content because I posted that as a good
practice, and I'm really curious to listen to, but it astounded me
that they put like, oh, you listened to like Spotify for
14,000 minutes, you know, or like 30,000 minutes and there's some
ungodly numbers in there. But I was like, man, it's like, but how
much of that was passive listening?
You know, like, you're not gonna Cognizant when you're listening to
and that's why I kind of got in the conversation of like lyrics
like, if you have the lyrics in front of the injection, be
comfortable reading it. A lot of people don't even know the lyrics
of the song. There's a passive listening, right. So I think being
more aware of being more cognizant and being just really, really
proud
similar mentality is actually a really important thing. So that's
kind of a way
I will take one more if anyone's got anything if not, we will let
you back out into the frozen tundra.
Yeah?
So it's a good question. So what about what about publicizing your
sin for the benefit of other people? So in Islam, we have
rules, and we have exceptions. So the rule
is something that is universal, it's always generally follow. And
you do have some exceptions, for example, like you can't eat pork
with the exception, you're starving to death. And there's
that's the only thing available. And even then you only eat the
amount that you need to stay alive. You don't like, yeah, let
me get another BLT. You know, it's not it's not like that. So
translating that example.
You know, there might be some scenarios. And we do have some
examples of this. And these were, some of the companions when they
were gathered around each other, they would talk about the days of
like the idea with each other.
But we see some things Number one, we see that was never proud. So
almost, you know, he would cry. He was giant, huge, muscular, strong,
tough guy will just be weeping. Because he was so upset with
himself for what he did.
So that's rule number one, which is that if the case arises
exceptionally, where you think that perhaps maybe sharing
something, a mistake that you made, could be beneficial to
somebody who is either in that situation or is headed that way,
then you have to express this like deep contrition for it like this
super, super high level of regret. You know, the problem is, I think
a lot of people when they tell when they talk about mistakes that
they made, they talk about it in a way that's almost like borderline
bragging, right? Like, yeah, I used to, man, I was, you know,
this, and this and I used to date suffer a lot, right? But wow, you
know, it was really it, it's kind of like, almost go on and on about
it. And it's like, there needs to be a point of regret, right. And
if you don't feel that, then it's probably not good to share.
Because then it's not for the person, it's for yourself. The
second thing is that you don't need to share every detail. You
can kind of like, lightly, sort of gesture about something, right. So
you can say, you know, when I was your age, or last year, I was
actually in a very similar situation, you don't have to tell
them like, here's exactly what happened, right? Like, sit down,
buckle your seatbelt, let me tell you everything. You just say, Oh,
it wasn't a very similar situation. And this is how I
handled it. Right, just to kind of give yourself a little bit of a
general umbrella protection. And the third thing is that you would
not want to like announce it to a massive audience, it would be
almost like surgery be very targeted, very specific. Okay.
Those are the three things that the LMS say like when it comes to
exposing one's mistakes. That's basically the topic of the chapter
that you'll find in is like, how do you? What's the permissibility
of exposing one's mistakes? They would say it's only permissible if
there is some benefit to it. And then here are the rules for
benefit. Now what about those cases where you have like, you
know, people who, like go to conferences and give lectures to
1000 people about the mistakes they make, more often than not
those people their mistakes were already public anyways, so they're
not really exposing anything. They're more so trying to make
right what is already known more so more often than not I have yet
to attend a conference where a person who nobody had any idea who
that first
got up on stage was like, Alright guys, here's my here's my rap
sheet. Let me tell you, it was more so like, oh, this person used
to be this and then they, they changed but what they used to be
was already pretty much known in some capacity. So just be very
cautious. Be very careful. Make sure that there's no like weird
sense of pride that's associated with it, and inshallah you know,
whatever benefit you hope to achieve like May Allah reward you
for that Yeah.
Alright guys, it is always a pleasure to spend 30 minutes with
y'all just want to say it I know that the environment with COVID is
not the most normal or comfortable but it means a lot that you guys
have come and I hope and pray a lot of Tata accepts these from us
and drive safe stay warm. I think we have some
there's some some motions outside so don't all rush at once now
they're really good actually. Enjoy some samosas on the way home
in sha Allah be safe. If you need anyone to help walk you to your
car. Please walk in groups and then we also have some of the
brothers out front. Hey, come outside a smile on
I can help you get your car safely Patrick
Oh, and did you could stack the chairs against the wall just like
the sisters already?
That'd be great. Thank you guys