Saad Tasleem – Why I Don’t Do DMs and Private Messaging – Live Discussion

			Bismillah Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah wa ala alihi wa sahbihi women
WA, Salam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh we are back for a nother live session hadn't been
enough. I'm actually quite proud of myself. This is the third week in a row, that we've been
consistent with these live sessions. So it's good to be doing something consistently, online had the
love. So for those of you who are joining us live, I would love to hear where you're from, where
you're joining us from so in the chat, be sure to mention where you're joining us from. And also, I
do like to make these like a discussion. So I'm going to answer the question that is posed today.
		

			I'm going to give you my perspective on it, but I want to hear your perspective on it also. So any
comments, any questions? Drop them in the live chat and I'll try my best to address them in sha
Allah, Allah Allah. So we're going to keep it kind of light when keep it as a discussion in sha
Allah. So let's get started with today's prompt or today's question. So Emad from Sri Lanka, like
Allah here, it is good to have you here. How did he last saw you were one of the early people who
joined before the live stream started Marois from London. Oh, it was set on the luck. Good to have
you here from London. I always find a lot of people join from Europe from the UK. And I tried to
		

			make this one a little bit earlier. So we can have people I know there's people even in like
Pakistan and India in that part of the world who'd like to join in as well. So it's good to have
those two. So I try to make a little bit earlier today. And I'm going to try and vary the time.
		

			But it's going to be on Sundays in sha Allah. So hair from Dallas, and with Sutton's O'Hare, Anakin
was set off to La Saria from Bangladesh. MashAllah beautiful all across the world. It's good to have
all of you here, and I'm looking forward to this discussion. Can we ask any questions on any topic?
So in general, I like the questions to be related to the topic itself so we can have this
discussion. And as I mentioned, last time, I'm going to do a specific like open q&a, one of these
live sessions in sha Allah but for today's session, to try to keep it related to the topic so we can
have this discussion Xena from Kuwait Mashallah. Mazatlan, S S S. A, from Chicago from Chinatown,
		

			how they love Good to have you as well. hamdulillah All right. So why I don't do DMS and private
messaging? So this is a question that I actually get a lot of how Allah for what jersey? Good to
have you have a son from Sweden, honey love beautiful. So this is a question that I get quite a bit
actually, on my
		

			Instagram. I don't do DMS on my Twitter. I don't do I think they're called DMS as well, direct
messages. I don't do any type of private messaging on my Facebook, so on and so forth. So people
always ask, like, why can't we just message you and ask you a question. You know, like, someone's
dealing with something and they're like, you know, I need your advice. I'm like dealing with a
problem. And I need your advice on something like why can I just hit you up? Or someone has like a
fifth question like, is this hidden or not? Or is it okay to do this or not? Why can I just hit you
up and ask you a question directly? Why don't have access to like that, and Subhanallah I just right
		

			off the bat. Sometimes people you know, and I'm not really here to judge anyone's heart or anything
like that. But sometimes people will judge my heart and they would like, you know, you think you're
too good to like, respond to messages or something like that. Or, you know, like you think you're so
famous and you can't lie that is not it at all. I don't think I am above anyone, only Allah knows
our true values. How Allah may Allah protect us? That is not the reason. So I want to clarify my
reasons for doing so. A couple different reasons. I'll let me start off with probably
		

			I guess there's two main reasons. One of the reasons is that, I don't believe that answering
questions through private messaging is the best thing for me. So I want to first of all say that
this is a personal issue for me, it may or may not apply to other people. First of all, there's the
very big glaring issue and I can we can call it Subhanallah the elephant in the room of speaking to
someone of the opposite gender, who is not madam, right, who you're not madam to. And so that is the
natural outcome of it, you know, and and, you know, sometimes people say like, why can't you do
brothers only? Well, it's really hard to control that and say, like, Oh, I'm only going to answer
		

			questions from others. And that has other problems, which I'll get to in a bit. But in general,
right. So the issue one of the issues is, I don't want to be having private conversations.
		

			with someone that I'm not related to, for a number of reasons, but one of the big reasons is the
issue of Halawa. Now what is Halawa? Halwa is a concept in Islam which is basically means being
alone with someone who you're not home to. And we have many evidences for this one of the evidence
of this is the hadith of even Omar or the Allah and in which she said that the Prophet sallallahu
alayhi wa sallam said, yes Luhan Raju Loon, the Moroccan in Cana thoroughly feel mushy upon, he
said, sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that a man is not alone with a woman, except the third of them is
the she upon meaning they're never if they're alone, then the she upon will always accompany them in
		

			this hadith is sahih. Inshallah, Allah is mentioned in some Timothy if I'm not mistaken. So, you
know, a lot of times we interpret that and people see that and they're like, well, that's being
alone in a room or being alone physically alone with someone, which is correct, we're not supposed
to be physically isolated, with someone that we're not related to, in that way to protect ourselves
from the attacks of the chiffon. And a person may say, Well, I trust myself, you know, I know I'm
not gonna, like say anything bad, or I'm no, I'm not gonna be tempted and so on and so forth. Well,
that, you know, that's, that's a hard thing to really say, Subhan Allah, but even if a person has
		

			full confidence in themselves, the prophet civili send them actually, he tells us of the Shere Khan
because a person from themselves may not have a bad intention. But as the prophet satellite send
them said, that in the shaytaan, Yejide, middle in San Madrid dam that she upon flows, through human
beings, like the flowing of blood, and meaning, and so parcela elaborated on that. And he said, the
shift button can put a bad thought into your heart, right, so a person may not have a bad intention,
they themselves, you know, they may be talking to someone of the opposite gender, and they're, you
know, nothing, they're in their heart, and they went in with a very good intention. But Subhanallah,
		

			something creeps in from the ship bond. And then a person puts themselves in a position where, you
know, they have to really fight that desire or have to fight that temptation. And you may be able to
be victorious in that fight, and you may not and a lot only knows. So I choose to not put myself in
that position. And look, as I said, this applies to being alone with someone physically like in
person. But also a lot of times people forget that this also applies to being alone with someone in
a conversation. So private messaging, or like WhatsApp, or like messages and all that. That is also
a conversation. And that is also being alone with someone because there's no one else who has access
		

			to this conversation. So this is not a public conversation that is happening. This is a private
conversation that is happening. And so that issue of Halawa being alone with someone applies to our
conversations as well, whether it be on the telephone, whether it be you know, messaging, whether it
be direct message, even emails of how long I think we should be careful, even when it comes to
emails. And so for this reason, I don't want to open that door at all right? So Insha Allah, I have
a good intention. And I'm not judging anyone's intention, someone who may ask a question or send a
message, it's not my place to judge their intention Insha Allah, they have the best of intentions,
		

			and surely they need help, right. But the issue is, that is opening the door for something that very
much potential has the potential for leading to something which is haram or something which is
forbidden, let alone we live in the
		

			the me to era, right, the hashtag me to era where a lot of times have different interpretations of
the same conversation. And this is one of the problems with the homie too, one of the issues I
should say, that has come to light with the whole metoo era. And that is that you may have two
people who have different interpretations of the same incident. A person may say, Oh, I wasn't
flirting, I wouldn't mean anything by it. I was just having, I was just being nice. I was just being
polite. And the other person says, no, they're definitely flirting with me. Right? They were
definitely like, coming on to me, or they're definitely they were being improper with me, right? As
		

			a Muslim, we don't put ourselves in that situation to begin with, right? We don't put ourselves in a
situation where we would be isolated. We're now it's just you and them. And now it's your word
against their word, right? So we don't want to put ourselves in that position. I certainly don't
want to put myself in that position. And that's why I don't open that door. From from the get go. I
do have an email that is checked by someone. I have a bookings email, if you really want to get in
touch with me on my Facebook page on my Instagram page. On my Twitter, it's bookings at Syed
disclaim.com Very simple [email protected] If you want to really reach out to me, there's a third
		

			party who will read that email and and you know, discuss it with me or forward it to me or whatever
it may be. So I haven't completely cut off. That's one of the big issues right, so I would rather
protect myself
		

			And, and not put myself in that position. And over the years, you know, I've been online now for
		

			probably a decade now. And I, you know, as a panelist seemed like, a long time, but I have you know,
very quickly in very early on in my online presence I decided this, this is what it should be.
Because even in the beginning, you know, when I would receive those private messages, I was just
very uncomfortable with them even though you know, Inshallah, the person asking the question did not
have anything, no bad intention or anything like that. But it's just weird. To be alone in a
conversation with someone who you really don't know, or you know, there, you don't know, you don't,
you just don't know. So I'd rather take myself out of that situation. And I like to practice what I
		

			preach, I try my best, you know, to practice what I preach. I tell a lot of young brothers and
sisters, a lot of times fitness starts from that conversation, someone DMS you, you DM somebody
trying to slide into somebody's DMS or someone's trying to slide into your DMS, right? It's
sometimes it can start very innocently. And a lot of times I've seen cases where it's like, you
know, I'm just trying to talk to this person, even a person may say, for the sake of marriage,
right, I'm interested in this person, so I hit them up, you know, on Instagram or whatever. But that
doesn't always and a lot of times it does not work out? Well, subhanAllah, because a lot of times,
		

			you know, when that private conversation happens, we may be making an inquiry for marriage. But when
feelings get involved when a person gets attached, you know, turns into love and infatuation. And
then you know, marriage and stuff just become secondary, it's just out of the picture. And actually,
people end up getting hurt. You know, a lot of times, you know, I've seen sisters who, you know, get
hit up by a brother and brothers like, Oh, I just want I'm getting in touch with you, because I'm
interested in marriage. And then like, six months later, like, there's no, there's some talk of
marriage, but he was just trying to, like, you know, get to know or maybe like, whatever, right man,
		

			may Allah protect us. And so I tell young brothers and sisters, I'm gonna look, if you're interested
in somebody, get a third party, right to reach out to them, protect yourself, don't put yourself in
a position where you are alone with someone where the chiffon may have an influence on this
interaction, right? So I try to practice what I preach, and I try my best to for even in my personal
life, I try to apply that as much as possible to not be in a situation where those those isolated
conversations take place. That's number one. Number two, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this
as well, by the way, so in the chat. But the second issue for me is that, in my experience, when I
		

			have come across these questions that people ask, it's one of two types of questions. Either it's
let's take the easier one first, it's a fair question, right? So it needs a ruling. So it needs a
fair trial, right? They say, is this halal or not? Is this haram? What should I do in this
situation, so on and so forth? Well, one of the responsibilities of someone who's being asked a
question, who has been asked for a ruling is to know and understand the person that they are giving
the fat to? Or giving the answer to. And it is very difficult to do that in a online message or an
email, let alone in many of those cases, I would need much more information than what is being
		

			presented to me. And I don't want to give an under informed answer. Right? Even a person's culture
can make a difference in how that in how I would respond to that particular question, or what type
of answer would be given. This is something by the way I cover in detail in one of my seminars
called trends, we talked about how culture can affect if ruling in a certain culture something may
be considered acceptable and normal. In another culture, it may not be considered acceptable and
normal. So if a person is in this culture, the scholars in that culture may say, Yeah, it's fine. In
another culture, scholars may say, You know what, this is not. Okay. I'll give you an example of
		

			this. And I know this is gonna spur a lot of questions. Maybe we'll keep this for another, this
topic for another time. But the question of is a woman
		

			will keep men out of it for now is a woman allowed to get her nose pierced? Right?
		

			And I'd like to hear what you guys think about this first, what do you all think? Is it permissible
for a woman to get her nose pierced or not? Is it okay? Any thoughts? Any ideas? What do you all
think? Is it okay? Is not okay? The answer to this really depends a lot.
		

			Depends on the culture in certain cultures. A woman getting her nose pierced is very normal. As a
matter of fact, not only is it normal, it's it's not only acceptable, it's the norm. So in like
South Asia, for example, you know, Pakistan, India, those countries, if a woman has her nose
pierced, nobody thinks twice about it doesn't look odd, doesn't look weird or whatever, in other
cultures and maybe kind of weird for a woman to have her nose pierced in some Arab cultures.
		

			It's not normal women don't have their noses peers. So if the scholars over there asked, Should I
get my nose pierced scholars will will likely say, it's better not to do that, because that's not
normal in our society. On the other hand, in a different culture, it may not be a big deal for a
woman to have her nose pierced. So here's a case where culture makes a big difference. And I'm not
going to get into men having their ears pierced. Maybe this is a question we'll answer in another
live session. Inshallah, is it permissible for men to get their ears pierced? We'll leave that topic
for now. But that's number one. So it's a fifth question, even a fifth question. It's very difficult
		

			for me to answer just through a message. The second type of question is advice. Someone says, I need
your advice, right? I'm, for example, I'm having problems with my husband, I need your advice. I'm
having problems with my wife, I need your advice. I'm having problems with my in laws, I'm having
problems with my parents, I'm having problems with my children. Whatever issue, I'm having this
difficulty at work, I'm going through this with whatever in the Michigan, whatever the issue is, a
person says, I need advice.
		

			That is even more of a serious issue for me, even though the fifth questions are serious as well.
But that is even can become even more serious. Because I'm lacking even more information, I would
need even more information to answer that question. Because there's so much more than I would need
to know, I you know, in most cases, I would need to really understand what is happening here to give
advice, not only that, I would actually need to hear both sides of the story. Someone says I'm
having problems with my wife, right? I would say, Okay, let me hear your problems. And let me hear
your what your wife is saying as well. On top of that, it requires an extended back and forth.
		

			Right, which as I said, going back to point number one, the issue of having those private
conversations, it's just it's it's going to be very, very difficult. On top of that, I recommend and
I usually when I see questions like that, I very quickly see, look, this person doesn't need a quick
answer. They don't need me to say, hey, you know, what, just do this. What they actually need is
counseling. Right counseling means that they sit down with someone who can listen to them, who can
hear them who can understand their background, and who can counsel them. One of the things that
people don't realize a lot of times is that the Prophet civili seldom himself, he would actually
		

			counsel people, in a lot of cases, it wouldn't be that he would say, you know, what, do this, get
out of here and go, he would understand the person was asking the question, he would talk to them,
he would talk to them based off of who they are, I would understand that, and he would counsel them,
just like that young man. And I'm not gonna get into too much detail regarding this incident. But
just like that young man who came to the prophets, I send them and said, Make zinna halal for me
make it permissible for me to commit Zina. The rest of them didn't say It's haram, get out of here
leave. The process hadn't counseled him. He spoke to him. He said, you know, would you like this for
		

			your female relatives, he talked to him, he had a conversation with him. And that is what is
required in a lot of these cases. And I understand that sometimes people don't have access to
someone that they can call up or they can reach out to maybe they will have a local counselor
therapy, yes, you know, someone's at their counseling and therapy. In many of these cases, people
need therapy. And I know in our in our, a lot of times in certain cultures, there's a there's a
taboo, there's a stigma when it comes to getting therapy, when it comes to going seeking counseling.
It's looked down upon, but it is my opinion, and Allah knows best that we need to remove the stigma,
		

			right? That this shouldn't be a taboo issue, that counseling is actually part of our deem to get in.
But it should be counseling from someone who's qualified to give counseling. Many times people give
counseling are not qualified to give counseling, that's another topic for another time. But simply
ask, answering a question on a private message to me oftentimes can do more damage than good. So
those are some of my reasons why I don't do DMS why I don't do private messaging. And, and, you
know, I tend to stay away from that. And also, if it's really about learning, you know, to me,
learning should happen in a classroom environment in an environment where there can be some back and
		

			forth. Even environment like this, right? So I'm more open to discussing topics in this live
environment, because now you're here in the chat, you can ask your question, you have some some
clarification you need, we can discuss this issue, that can be a real conversation instead of just
one sided or one person just gives their side. And then you know, the other issue even often that
people say to me, like why don't you respond to comments online? Well, maybe that's a topic for
another time. And I don't know if I have a lot of time to get into that right now. But it's very
similar problem when it comes to comments. What do you do? Mother was asking, what do you do when
		

			people leave negative comments or trolling on your videos? My personal
		

			My personal way of dealing with this, and those few people who know me, they know this is how I deal
with it. Number one, I generally don't get into the comments. I actually, you know, and I hate to
say this, a lot of times, I don't read the comments, especially if there's like, a lot going on, I
won't read the comments. And I do have admins on my pages that will check the comments, make sure
it's nothing offensive, or nothing rude or nothing bad being said, and they'll filter out those
comments. And I've told my admins, if anyone is being rude, if anyone is using foul language, if
anyone is insulting people, delete their comment. And let them know at work, they do it multiple
		

			times, block them, like banned them from the page, I have no problem, no problem banning people from
my page, there are plenty of other plate places that they can go if they want to be negative, and
they want to be condescending, and rude and mean, that's not I don't want that on my page. So so
leave it
		

			generally, you know, I leave it to my admin to recognize trolling. And the best way to deal with a
troll is to not respond to them. What a troll is looking for is a response. That's what they want.
They want a reaction out of you. So the best thing we can do when someone does something that is not
to leave them be right. But if it is, like I said, if it's offensive, if it's rude if they are,
		

			you know, if it's if it's just bad, then that comment should be deleted, and the person should be
blocked or or removed from the page. So that's the way that's the way I deal with it. You know,
honestly, as I said, these type of issues should rather be covered in person, you know, to get rid
of that whole situation. So here said we would a conversation between a brother and a sister in
Islam in a public domain, with other people surrounding them also be considered halwa. Good
question.
		

			It really depends, right? So there's many and there's more detail to the issue of Honeywell, which
really should be studied in detail. And perhaps I actually do cover this in one of my classes, we do
go over the issue of color in more detail.
		

			But in general, if it is a public environment, and other people can hear what you're saying, and
then it's it would not be considered Halawa. One of the things that I would
		

			that I would tell you one of the disclaimers, I should say that I'll give, one of the things that
watch out for is that sometimes we can be in an environment where we are surrounded by other people,
but they don't care. And so it's almost as if we're alone. So I'll give an example of that someone
goes to a restaurant. And they're surrounded by other people, let's say they're in a, in a in a in a
non Muslim country, or in a country where
		

			they are they are which McCall it they're the Muslims on the minority, right? So it's non Muslims,
and you go to what you go to a non Muslim environment. And even if if the if the guy and girl are
saying like super flirt, like flirtatious things to one another, like super inappropriate stuff in
terms of Islamically inappropriate, the people weren't, wouldn't really care about it. And they may
not even really care to listen, that could be considered 100. Because now even though there's people
around them,
		

			a person does doesn't feel any type of shyness or shame in saying something which is Islamically
wrong. So that's something to watch out for. But in general, in general, a person should, in
general, yes. If we're surrounded by other people, and they can hear what we're saying, then that
would not be considered Halawa. And I often say, Look, if you're ever in doubt, ask a person of
knowledge. Right? Say like, Okay, this is happening. Do you think I should be here? Do you think I
should be in that environment? Or not?
		

			If there's a video on YouTube, and you leave an open message on the video, and there's a response to
that question where everyone can see that comment. Is that okay, yeah, so in general comments on
videos is a public environment, right? So this is everyone can see your comment, everyone can see
the reply. So that is not considered Kanwar. Right. So there's other people there. Inshallah? Giada.
That is not considered 101. It's a very good question. So public, this is considered a public domain
and public environment. That will be something which is okay. Well, Allahu Allah, darlin. Any other
questions or comments? I'm surprised people are quite understanding of my reasoning. Generally, I
		

			find it I've found a lot of pushback when I say like, I don't, I don't do DMS. I don't do private
messaging people. Like why not? But there's so much benefit and so on and so forth.
		

			But But yeah, that's my that's my reasoning. Someone said, what if? Or sorry, SSS, aka, I don't know
your name. But that's your screen name on here. What if you're working on something together? Look,
even if you're working on something together, it should not be a enclosed environment, right? So it
should not be an environment where it's like a private room and nobody else is there. And I
understand there are certain situations where it's out of our control. Those are exceptions. So for
example, you get onto the elevator and someone
		

			comes into the elevator, and you know, and you press the button and you're in the elevator with
someone. I mean, that's just that's the circumstance. That's the situation. There's nothing you can
really do about that. You're not going to like, be like stop the elevator, press the emergency
button and run out or whatever, you know and shout loud. This is, you know, like a 10 second ride or
eight second, whatever five second ride he just taught us like, that's what you can do if a duck a
llama still died, right? Have the Taqwa of Allah to the best of your ability.
		

			Right. So those are exceptions. But in general, whatever is in our capability, well, we have control
over we should try our best to
		

			you know, avoid that situation. Sata sr. Sata is like a login. Does that go? Okay? When will the
next open q&a be coming up? So generally, I try to do it every Sunday. So so last three weeks, every
Sunday, we'll be doing it around this time. If you're subscribed to my YouTube channel, make sure it
sounds weird for me to say this to Petalite because, you know, I had this thing about sounding like
a YouTuber, right? But I have to say this, so subscribe to the channel, hit the hit the bell button,
right that the alert. So you get an alert when these live sessions are taking place. I usually a few
days ahead of time I post the session, so you know what it's about. You know what time it is. And
		

			you can you can join in live inshallah. Tada. So, subscribe to the YouTube channel. And also share
this with others if you think others would benefit. And also, when this is over, I go and go back to
the comments as well. So if you have any suggestions of topics or particular questions that you
think we should discuss,
		

			on these live sessions, I'm open to it in sha Allah, any particular topics you want to talk about,
we can have a live discussion about it, that would be totally awesome. Emad said, speaking of Halawa
in the case of getting to know someone for marriage, can I ask for space when talking to a potential
to an extent where the Muslims can still hear us, but they're not right next to us? Yeah. So this,
this, this, in my opinion, and and Allah knows best would be an exception, right? So the exception
is, it's not really a true exception, because there's someone still there, even if they can't hear
you, right, you want to be open to express yourself, that is completely understandable.
		

			They can see you that will insha Allah to Allah be enough where a person is, is is is cautious, and
conscious of what they're saying. So even if they can't hear exactly what you're saying, in shallow
data, that is a that is an acceptable environment, especially if it's a case of marriage. And it's a
case of you know, they're right there you can see, like, let's even see the girl's father, or you
know, you can see their family, you're not going to start flirting or whatever, your love
protectors, right, you never know. But in general, a person will hopefully go down that route when
you know, the girl's father or brother or whatever sitting right there. Even though they can't hear
		

			you, this general person won't be hopefully tempted to do something like that. So that is in sha
Allah protecting oneself. And in that case, well, luck to Ireland. Very good question. What age do
you start teaching children about how to non Muharram. Look, the closer they get to puberty, because
that is the age where obviously their desires begin to become an issue. And it's also the age of
accountability. As they're getting close to the age deaf, this conversation should definitely take
place not only for the sake of like halal and haram, but also to protect our children from from
abuse. Because there are many cases, we have seen to Pamela. There's many cases of abuse, when
		

			children are not informed, right? And you know, especially young girls, you know, they may fall
victim because someone can can come from the perspective of Milla protector, sometimes it can be a
person in a position of leadership, it could be, you know, a public speaker or a person may Allah
protect is a person of knowledge, who says, you know, what, come I'll counsel you in private, you
know, or I'll teach you a quote on Mila protect us, right? I'll teach you put on in private, right?
This is something that we don't want to put our daughters, our children, even boys in this type of
situation where they're alone. So we need to teach our kids like, Look, don't be alone with someone
		

			that is not any someone who is you're related to or in that situation. So this is something we need
to have a common we thank you so much for bringing this up. We should definitely be having this
conversation with our children. Especially, you know, other issues of gender interaction touch, you
know, touch is one of those rules, right? We don't touch the opposite gender. And that should be
very clear for our children that no one is allowed to touch you. Right? It doesn't matter if
they're, they're a Koran teacher or whatever it be, this person should not be touching you in any
way right that touch should not be there. So these conversations should be happening the earlier the
		

			better. As we said, you know getting it fits
		

			If you know the age of puberty actually is too late, because they've already they're already they're
already into it. They're already into it.
		

			You know, so it should happen before the age of puberty. And obviously every child is different in
terms of their maturity. But this is something that we should be talking to them from an early age
will love them. Okay, I've hit the half an hour mark, I promised myself I want to make these live
sessions longer than half an hour, so I'm going to have to cut it off here. Thank you to everyone
for your wonderful questions and having this discussion with me. I look forward to seeing you next
Sunday in sha Allah, I will announce the time but as I said, if you're subscribed to my YouTube
channel, you'll get a notification. And you'll know exactly when these questions are. It's nice to
		

			see some of the regulars were able to join us because we can build a rapport and you'll get an idea
of how these go. And as I said, please share this with others and let them know about these live
sessions. And Allah has pointed out knows best I'll catch you in the next one in sha Allah take care
was set on what a cool Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh