Nouman Ali Khan – Marriage & Family Dynamics- Giving Space – Q&A
AI: Summary ©
The speaker discusses the importance of having a positive marriage relationship and being surrounding the person you love when troubleshooting. They also mention the difficulties of marriage and the importance of having a positive mindset to manage life. The speaker provides resources for finding a partner and finding the right time to pursue a marriage relationship.
AI: Summary ©
If you think this is a good idea,
I've given you my advice, that's the most
I can do.
After that, you have to make a choice.
And whatever choice you make, I will support
you.
And if this choice ends up being bad,
then I will never bring up.
Hey, remember I told you not to?
Ugly or good doesn't matter, but you have
to put it all out.
Because you need that from your spouse, and
your spouse needs that from you.
We have to shepherd our children, but then
we cannot engineer our children.
I'd like
to ask that, giving space, meaning that giving
the chance and be around the person you
love to fail.
When they fail, and they have failure, and
then they hit rock bottom.
Is that giving space, meaning like not giving
them what they want, but be always surrounding
them when they have troubles?
Yes, yes, and if you see that they're
headed towards failure, part of your honesty is,
I think you're headed towards failure.
But this is a choice you have to
make, and whether or not you succeed, I
just want you to know that I will
support you.
And I'm, because Allah has given you the
right to try.
So I'm not going to take that right
from you.
I'll take this even personal, if my daughter
said she wants to marry some young man,
right?
Then I will say, let me talk to
him, let me talk to the family, I'll
give my opinion.
I think this is a good decision, I
think it's a bad decision.
But at the end of the day, my
daughter's an adult, isn't she?
So I'm going to say, you have to
make this choice.
If you think this is a good idea,
I've given you my advice, that's the most
I can do.
After that, you have to make a choice.
And whatever choice you make, I will support
you.
And if this choice ends up being bad,
then I will never bring up, hey, I
remember I told you not to?
I will still support you, and you will
never hear criticism from my mouth.
This is me giving her space.
So she feels safe that she can make
that choice, no matter what.
Right?
This is not giving license to do the
wrong thing.
But it's definitely license to try things.
Right?
And that's something we have to do.
Human beings would never have made the innovations
we've made.
We're sitting, I'm using a microphone, this LCD
screen, you know, the clothes we're wearing.
All of this is a product of innovation.
Of human beings trying and failing at new
things.
We're all beneficiaries of that constantly.
So who are we to stop it from
happening?
Right?
Yes, of course.
Welcome, welcome.
Thank you.
I'd like to ask, you already mentioned in
the previous lecture on YouTube, in Surah Ar
-Rum, verse 21, to find a right partner
is the part that also gives us...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I saw that in
Turkey, yeah.
And within a marriage life, there's also a
dynamics, like what you mentioned on the stage,
the dynamics and the space, like when is
the right time to be in space, and
when to take the space, and sometimes we
prefer not to share the space with our
partner.
Instead, we share it with our friends.
And could you please elaborate the peace definition
that you mentioned?
So I think that the marriage relationship is
the most difficult relationship of all.
And the most important relationship of all.
Because of it, a person will rise, because
of it, a person will fall.
Right?
So, I think between you and your spouse,
you have to have the most difficult, honest,
open conversations about yourself, and about your needs
in space.
Ugly or good doesn't matter, but you have
to put it all out.
Because you need that from your spouse, and
your spouse needs that from you.
And that's, it's not an easy thing, it's
a process.
You have to, it takes time to get
there.
But every marriage should try to get there.
Because without it, you're going to be suffocating
inside.
Even friends cannot fill that space.
They can only fill a little bit.
Allah designed the spouse to really truly fill
that space.
You know?
When you talk about space, I think about
parenting to our child.
Sometimes, as a parent, we try to give
the best thing for our child, right?
Yes, yes.
But what do you think about realistic thing
and optimistic thing?
We don't know what happen with our child
in future, but we know something.
Hey child, this is good and this is
bad.
Right.
And what do you think about optimistic thinking
and...
You see, like Yaqub is a prophet, right?
And his sons are not coming out very
good.
Yes.
So, he's a pretty good parent.
We have to do our part.
We have to shepherd our children.
But then, we cannot engineer our children.
Right?
At the end of the day, once we
show them right and wrong, even Allah doesn't
force.
Allah says, Either grateful or ungrateful.
That's up to you.
So, if Allah, the ultimate authority is giving
that room, I have to do my best
to guide my child.
But after that, when they get to a
certain point, they have to make their own
choices.
Even the Rasul Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam told his
daughter, You have to have your own taqwa.
I won't help you on Judgment Day.
I can't.
Right?
So, that's the mentality we should have.
For reading these surahs in depth with us,
at bayyinatv.com under the deeper look section.