Nouman Ali Khan – Islam and Dating

			So a lot of you aren't married,
		

			and you'd like to be.
		

			And so we're announcing No.
		

			No, and there's a lot of, you know,
		

			look, there are families that are very conservative. There are families that are not as conservative
you come from religious backgrounds. Some of you don't come from religious backgrounds. But the fact
that you're here in an audience like this one means that you care about Islam. And you, you even if
you want to get married, you'd like to do the right thing. Right? And maybe you're interested in
somebody, maybe you're already talking to them, maybe they're here with you. I don't know, you know,
but you're not married yet. So I wanted to actually, first of all accept a reality. The reality of
it is we're not living in righteous times. Right? The Muslims, unfortunately, are dating, they are
		

			going out to dinner, they are chatting it up late at night, whatever it is they're doing, and it's
it's happening, it's become a reality. And
		

			we have to deal with that reality. Our religion does not accept something that's wrong. And so I
can't endorse something that's wrong. No, we don't have the right to because this Deen is bigger
than us. Right? We are in submission to Allah's principles. But at the same time, there are
practical this Deen is also practical. Like it gives it doesn't give people idealistic solutions. It
gives them realistic solutions. There's the net every step I started studying this Deen and any
principle in this Deen I come away with this thing is so practical. It's so it's it takes into
consideration the realistic temptations of people, their tendencies, their temperaments, their
		

			situations, their difficulties, Allah did not send Islam to angels. He sent it to you and me. He
knows who he created. And he knew he knows who needs guidance, right? So if we are if you know,
there are audience members that are in this circumstance, some of you are parents, you know, your
sons and daughters are dating and you don't know what to do about it, and how to go about and you're
in this strange bind. And it's embarrassing to talk about, because who do you tell, you know, that
sort of thing? Or your you know, your daughter's insisting that she wants to marry this guy or your
son's Association? He wants to marry this girl or something like that. And she's not even Muslim.
		

			You know, that happens to or she's ready to accept Islam, but the mother says, haha, except,
		

			you know, nobody talks. You know, they don't know mothers Don't talk like that.
		

			Mothers hold a knife behind their back and say no, bring it over. When you're over. I'll give her
the Shahada.
		

			She'll be a Shaheed
		

			Can you act that motion? Or? Yes, I for camera, like, Yeah.
		

			It was not on the mountains.
		

			But anyway, what I wanted to ask you guys, because you guys are that, you know, I'm allergic to
fish. So that's why these two guys are here. So
		

			like, what do you do in situations like this guy wants to marry this girl, they've already been
talking or whatever, going out to dinner. And now they want to do the right thing. Right? Or they
want to get the family involved. They want to take good steps. Well, what did they do?
		

			help them out?
		

			Hope that one out over there. Look, he's shaking his head. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't see
you.
		

			Now I do I got up and left. Okay.
		

			Well, I mean, obviously, you got to just talk to people, right? So you're gonna have to at some
point, there's this bizarre delusion
		

			that a lot of times young people live in that, you know, like, somehow I can just proceed in this
manner forward. Without ever dealing with the situation at hand, you are going to have to find a way
to end up bringing your parents, your family into the situation, you're going to have to sit down
and talk to them. And one of the things I tell a lot of young people is, and I'm going to get to the
parents in a second, but I'm just speaking generally outside of any type of abnormality. You know,
most normal parents, like I said earlier in the lecture, they love their children more than they you
know, love life itself.
		

			So there's there's an there's a, it's not so much about what you're saying. It's how you say it. So
storming into your house and kind of saying, like, Hey, listen, this is what's happening. This is
who it is. And this is what's going to happen. There's a way that conversation is going to go in,
it's not going to go very well. And then there's another tone of the conversation where you sit down
and you kind of say that look.
		

			I want to be happy.
		

			And I want to find the right person. How long have you wanted to be happy?
		

			I want to find the right person. And the last thing I'd want to do is hurt you or offend you in any
way but
		

			I really feel like this is the right person for me, I want you to help me out here. Right? There's,
there's, there's a chance that
		

			there's a chance that that conversation might go a little bit better. But that brings me to the
other side of what he just demonstrated that there's another reality
		

			that your mom might be like, No mom,
		

			dad, parents are not perfect. And that's probably one of the biggest taboos that both taboo things
you can say, in the Muslim community, whether it be America or Singapore, right. Parents are not
perfect. Nobody wants to hear that. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So it's just the reality. And so that's
where what I'll tell young people is if you are trying to make things right, as you said, maybe you
did things wrong, but now you're trying to make them right. Or maybe Mashallah, you're one of those
young people who are trying to do things the right way from the very getgo. And your parents are not
being they're not perfect, and they're not being reasonable, then try to find some type of ally,
		

			right. But be careful not to kind of go at your own. But try to find some type of ally. And I have
plenty of personal situations, meaning very close family and friends, community members, students
and things like that, whose parents were not being reasonable. I can say with 100% confidence, these
young people, they were trying to do things the right way from the very getgo. They were being
right, they would come in correct. And the parents were not being reasonable. They instead of just
completely flying solo. They ended up trying to get some type of allies on their side. Maybe it was
an uncle, maybe it was a grandparent, maybe it was the mom of the community, maybe to somebody,
		

			right? Yeah, they did. I feel trying to get around. Like they didn't use you. I haven't used you. I
have, I have the most amazing stories. I had a mom throwing plates at me, I was like dodging plates.
		

			It was amazing.
		

			Cuz the moms like, okay, please tell him he can't marry her. And I said, Well,
		

			actually, I just didn't.
		

			I was like,
		

			I was like, I can't, I can't, I can't, it's completely valid for these two people to get married,
especially her father, you know, even from the fifth position that the one of the girl has to be
involved, her father is completely on board. I've spoken to him on the phone, he's completely down.
So he actually can and I even think should marry her. And that was she was like, I'll be right back,
she came back with plates. And she just started throwing plates at me to get out of my house. I
said, Okay.
		

			But uh, it's, you know, so that might be the reality where the parents are not being reasonable,
because parents aren't always perfect either. But in that situation, make sure you try to get some
type of allies on your side. And here comes a little bitter pill for young people. If you're not
able to get anybody that can see the your logic, you can't get anybody to see your side.
		

			Yeah, you're probably going things about the wrong way. So and one thing that I would say, and I
don't know if it's understood yet or not, but
		

			you don't wait a year to take your parents into confidence on these things. Either. You do it from
the get go. You do it from the get go, you don't go get emotionally attached to someone start going
about things the wrong way in a harem fashion in a way that a loss of we're not talking about
cultural norms. Now, see, here's the thing. Let's face it here that there is no way to know for a
fact what type of person you're going to marry until you actually married them. There is no way. And
in fact, you know, psychologically speaking, dating will not do you any favors, it's not going to
help you know that person more, it's going to help that person make a better impression on you not
		

			help you know them more. Because until you live with a person, there is no way to completely know
them. So that's something that is, you know, the degree of a loss panorama and things happen in
this. That's true, but let's face it collectively as a society, are we moving deeper into a marriage
crisis? Are we getting better because we've loosened restrictions and so on so forth? Right? Whether
it's the Muslim world or the Western world or what have you, because there were certain decency
thing, the cultural norms from a decency perspective, that were in place, even in the non Muslim
world and the secular world, and there is a crisis in every part of the world in this regard. So
		

			when it comes to the Islamic perspective, now we believe that a loss is the Turner of hearts right?
We understand that a loss of hands as the Turner of hearts don't think that you can disobey Allah
subhana wa Tada. Do things come with the intention that you will write it one day, and it last time
I was going to put back on your relationship?
		

			You're fooling yourself you're not gonna fool Allah subhanaw taala you are fooling yourself. Now
that
		

			There's a difference between two people and even the Shetty are makes a distinction here of two
people that started something wrong, and they generally make Toba and a lot of left ambiguous they
actually made Toba. They actually repented they actually. And it wasn't a Toba that was conditional
on me marrying this person. It was a Toba of like, wow, I did something How am I stuck that Allah,
let me now go and approach this right? It wasn't fine. Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. But I still need to
marry that person. And that's the only way that it's going to happen. You have to take them into
consideration from the very beginning. And when parents are unreasonable, I will say this as well.
		

			You learn this the hard way, sometimes very later on very much later in your life. But your parents
are not seasonal. The whole world will turn their backs on you before your parents turn your back on
their backs. And you will learn that the hard way, right many, many times in life with friends,
sometimes with spouses, with whoever it made with Misha with your teachers, with your closest
friends, you will find that other people will be seasonal at times, your parents will never be
seasonal, they will not even when your parents say I'm not going to talk to you because you've
decided to go forth with this, they don't really mean it. Right? They're saying that as a threat,
		

			hoping that you'll realize recognize the situation now, when parents are wrong when they're dead
wrong. And when they're standing in the way of something that is headed. Something that is
completely pure, something that's been pursued in the right way, then at that point, there is the
option in Islam to override them through a through a particular process. But even then you have to
ask yourself if it's worth it, even then if you have to ask yourself if it's worth it. So I have a
question for both of you. I have a hard question for both of you. Okay, there are people in the
audience in Sharla. They're not but there are people in the oma that are dating for a long time, a
		

			year, two years, three years.
		

			And the first advice that comes in my head is just get married doesn't matter who says what? Because
you're not you're clearly not going to let each other go in disagree. You don't I completely
disagree. That's setting them up. That's giving a temporary solution that will make them happy for
now. But their relationship is going to fall apart. Look, I do marriages and divorces I've been I
mean, I've been doing it for 10 years personally. And most of the time when when we gave in and said
okay, fine, just let them get married. They were divorced within three months, because they've
already gotten past all the rosy part of the relationship. What I would say instead is that you have
		

			to step back and see and find and seek rational advisors like chef of the Nasir said, that will let
you know if whether or not this is a good idea or not. And if it's a good idea, if the if the
fundamentals are there, and the foundations are there, and you can work through and so on so forth,
then it's better to make it's better for you not to make a long term mistake, something that's going
to damage you for the rest of your life just because you made a short term mistake, and it's going
to hurt you to get away from that mentor cache and the law or the law. When you leave something for
a loss. hindsight gives you something better than that. So look, if you've been in a relationship
		

			for a very long time, and you really feel bad you want to make Toba take a step back ask Allah
sincerely for forgiveness, then try to approach it rationally. seek advice from people whether or
not you think this can be a good marriage or not going forward. Don't try to just take the pill
that's going to make you feel good now and let you get married and then everything falls apart.
Because you did not marriage is a rational decision. Marriage is not an emotional decision. It is
supposed to be a rational decision. It's not supposed to be an emotional decision. So that's the
point here, you look for compatibility. What is the main reason that people fall apart? in
		

			relationships, compatibility, correct. Lack of compatibility. You look for compatibility, you can't
find that if I'm just gonna stop now, because
		

			I'm totally listening.
		

			You cast as you can determine whether or not a person is compatible, if the only thing you've seen
are roses and nice restaurants and sneaking off into movie theaters and having conversations where
half of the conversation is just fluff.
		

			No, it's determined. Yeah. Which which is when you're when you're in this situation, you're
basically blinded by your own emotions and what's going on. Right. So what you're saying is, like we
see this in any situation, you bring in a fresh set of eyes, you bring in a fresh, different
outsider's perspective. We know that in business all the time, you bring in a consultant who's not
in the company, right? Who can
		

			it's not, it's not but there are certain human realities, right in the human reality about when you
are in when you are in an experience when you are experiencing it at that moment. You just there
there are certain blinders that you have on, you're just not being able to see the big picture here.
Here's the thing. Here's why I disagree with both of you. And that I'm totally okay with disagreeing
with people I have learned to revel in disagreement.
		

			It is my desert.
		

			So how many marriages and divorces Have you done Oh,
		

			So anyway,
		

			I was I knew you when I used to eat the adult meal and used to get the Chucky cheese meal.
		

			Okay, so happy new
		

			year Happy Meal toy at McDonald's. And they used to look at a disguise a child.
		

			six foot six.
		

			Anyway, anyway.
		

			So what was I saying? Yes. So here's the thing, if there are people that are in, like a religiously
not sanctioned relationship they're dating. And I specifically mentioned they're involved in this
kind of relationship for years. My argument, my problem is that these people are emotionally
invested in each other. And they have spent quite a bit of time together. Right or wrong, they've
already done that. My personal problem is, why does some other men, why should this be some other
man's fault that his now wife has emotionally already invested herself in someone else who's not
going to leave her head anytime soon? And this is going to be a problem later, later on, like they
		

			almost almost like they deserve each other at this point. Like this is my thinking about this
problem. And maybe they don't get married fine. But at least they should be given the option to
pursue this. If you want to add the rational element to this, too. They were never black and white.
Why don't we agree that it's not black and white? That's shirt by case situation? Sure. It is a case
by case situation, but this this is the problem becomes with these families, they say, well, you can
marry anything you want not hurt.
		

			That's it? Well, no, that's still very much a possibility. And yeah, I don't disagree with you
there. What I think we're talking about two different issues. I think that as far as the family's
concerned, the family has to kind of resigned themselves to the reality at this point that these two
individuals are so emotionally vested into each other, that they're going to be useful, useless to
any other human being actually, they're gonna destroy somebody else's life. Yeah, that's right. No,
no. So I think from the family perspective, that's fine. I think what we're talking about is, those
two individuals themselves, they just have to understand that the premise, this amazingly solid
		

			foundation that they think that their relationship is built on is actually really flimsy and very
superficial. That's what we're just saying. So maybe you're saying that if they're going to fail,
you have to sometimes kind of let people fail to know that they made a mistake, how many people
actually end up marrying their first crushes or end up marrying the person that they thought was
going to be their, you know, Princeton signing armor, and that was going to be there, you know, how
many people end up actually going forth with that, marrying that and end up in happy marriages? It's
a very small portion of humanity, not just very turbulent relationships. And what happens is one of
		

			the things that Allah subhanaw taala tries to protect us from with the and I don't even want to call
them restrictions. Because obviously, if it is, yeah, and eba, the basis of all things, and it is
that it's permissible, unless it's proven to be how long, but one of the reasons why a loss prenta
directs us in this way, is that our interactions before marriage should be in a way that is as
rational as possible that that the position that we're taking that there that when we're deciding to
go into this life long commitments, the average divorce rate worldwide now is 48%. In America, it's
close to 60%.
		

			That is going to happen, it's inevitable there was divorce are skewed because like 50% of the
population doesn't even believe in marriage anymore. So only 50% of people get married and 60% of
them end up divorced. Right. So the numbers are actually catastrophic.
		

			To this and 20% go and then and then 10%, and then a lot of numbers.
		

			It's very natural. I was just doing math. Okay, but
		

			no, so you're talking about 3.2% of what
		

			I'm just saying. The reality is only 30% of people in America are married. That's it. That's so
there's the extreme of which we were taught was ideal Islam, which I've heard many times I've heard
and I'm sure you've heard this as well. Parents that will tell their children I married your mom
without even seeing her. Right you had or something? Or we did, or we or we you know, we didn't we
didn't even know each other and have the lot worked out but they're miserable and so on. Right?
There is a son of precedence here, the sooner
		

			the sooner precedence of this is people should people who want to get married, should talk to each
other. Not ask each other what your favorite color is, or what's your favorite song or, you know, do
you like long walks on the beach too and no, but like actually have serious conversations about
compatibility should actually sit down and discuss things
		

			Within a controlled environment where their emotions cannot get the best of them. And that's the
whole purpose of not allowing absolute absolute seclusion, because when you're in it, that's why I
lost contact. It's called the spider's web. And uncovered, right lost, penetrated describes as the
most flimsy of houses. When you're in a spider web, when you're caught. You're caught, you can't see
outside of it. It's the most flimsy of homes, but a bug that's caught inside of it. Right is not
getting out. Why? Because you can't see past it. You think that that's your reality, and you've
resigned yourself to that? And it's irresponsible for everyone to say, okay, fine, fine. Go ahead.
		

			Go ahead. Go ahead and ruin your life. No, it's something that because you're talking about parents
that stood in the way of something that was unjust, that they were not justified in doing so that's
where the mom comes in, or that's where someone comes in, or an ally comes in and says to the
parents, you need to chill, you need to calm down and handed at least it's a Muslim, at least to
someone that you know that at least they pursued each other for the right reasons. Yes, maybe
because of the circumstances, they they thought it would be an innocent phone call, they ended up
talking to many times, they ended up meeting a few times, and so on, so forth. But there was still
		

			some level of contents. And let me hold back for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. At that point,
you act as a facilitator. At that point, you act as a facilitator, but it's not black and white. And
at the end of the day, we need to understand that when we go through relationship after relationship
after relationship up, we're killing our own ability to have meaningful relationships. Allah does
not want that for us. It's not healthy for us to go through relationship after relationship after
relationship and be broken down over and over and over again, to where when we go into our seventh
or eighth relationship and say, This is the one we already are questioning. And we're already you
		

			know, we're already we already have this sense of paranoia that there's no way that it's going to
work out and we've already lost our own capacity to love. So try to pursue things as right as you
can. And then when people stand in the way in a wrong fashion, that's when you resort to those other
protocols. Now, if you are what what the reality if you've been in a relationship for a very long
time, the first thing you need to do is what?
		

			The first thing you need to do is disengage Toba, you need to ask Allah for forgiveness. The first
party you should be concerned with in anything that happens in your life as a Muslim as a believer
is what is the law think about this? What have I done to offend Allah subhana wa Tada. The first
thing you need to do is seek forgiveness. seek forgiveness sincerely from a loss of hundreds are no
matter what the outcome of the situation is a staff in a live messed up, Oh Allah, guide me to
what's best for me, I've messed up. Because then you you bring back the bottle cover loss of
hundreds out of the earshot that guidance from Allah subhanaw taala in your direction in life. But
		

			when you take that out of the equation, then it's always going to be you know, it's always going to
be risky, no matter what, but you make it so much more risky, and you're still not going to pursue a
path of Buttercup. I'm going to conclude this session with a draw that Allah allows all of the young
people here and the all the unmarried here, the blessing of a good, you know, permissible and
sustained and healthy and nurturing and happy marriage. And I pray that Allah azza wa jal gives, you
know, the parents happiness with them in the marriage of their children and the children happiness
in their marriage to each other and love provides them with race, righteous children that can carry
		

			the flag of Assam in the future, inshallah tada