Nouman Ali Khan – Cultural Barriers to Marriage

			So one aspect of that that I wanted to briefly touch on in this hotbar is getting our daughters
married. So this applies in any situation. But this is one thing that I wanted to touch touch with
you today is getting our daughters married. First and foremost, Allah says that the Sharia that he
gave us the law that he gave us, the purpose of it is to make our burden light you read, Allahu Li,
you have fever and gum, that Allah wants to lighten the burden from you. So cultural burdens,
cultural burdens can be very, very heavy, right? Like, for example, you have a family and you've got
three daughters, four daughters, and you have this cultural standard that the oldest daughter should
		

			get married first. Then the next one, then the next one. Then the next one, you created this
standard. Allah didn't reveal this standard, you have this standard, good for you. But then the
second daughter, not the fourth daughter, the second daughter is getting a proposal and a good
proposal. And you say no, no, no, you gotta wait. Because there's a line get back in line. Right?
And so when you do that, you you let's look at it from a Quran point of view. Something came that
was halal. And your daughter wanted it. She had the right to be married. And you denied her
something that was halal for her. Even the Prophet of Allah was told sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
		

			Lima to how to remove a handle Allah hulak Why do you make haram what Allah has made halal, like
even the Prophet wasn't allowed to do that in the in the smallest of things. This is not a small
thing. This is a life thing. And you can devastate somebody because they wanted to marry a person,
they had an emotional attachment, they had the thought of this is the right person for me. And you
deprive them from getting married, they end up getting married somewhere else, this person has, you
know, deep depression they have they have anger towards their parents, then they have anger towards
the religion, because now their parents told them you must obey your parents. This is why you cannot
		

			get married they use remember I told you they use parts of the religion. So they use parts of the
religion to beat up on this poor girl. And she can't have what what Allah has given us her the right
to have as an individual adult. And that's the next thing I want to say. When our daughters are
about to get married. They're not children. They are adults and adults are going to stand on their
own in front of Allah on Judgment Day, you are not going to come in front of your 28 year old
daughter and say Yola asked me the questions. She's, I'm actually no, she's she's answerable for
herself on Judgment Day. And if she committed a crime in this life model, if she cut a red light, or
		

			you know, if she if she stole money, she, you're not gonna stand in front of her, she has to answer
for herself in the court of law in this life. And in the court of Allah's law and judgment day,
she's an individual with personal responsibility. On top of all of that, especially for those of us
because the world is changing, right? Economies are changing. Many people like in my family, for
example, even it was hard to make ends meet, everybody worked, my mom worked, my dad worked my
sister's work if everybody had a job, because there was no way to survive. This is expensive. So
there are situations where we trust our daughters to go get a job. We trust our daughters to go to
		

			the university. We trust our daughters to earn a living for themselves to be out on their own,
you're not standing there at work next to her. You're not protecting her every second, she's taking
care of herself. She's carrying herself in a dignified way on you, and you trust her. So that same
daughter that you trust to go out into the world, the same daughter that you trust to get get her in
education, when that same doctor says I think this person may be a good choice for me for marriage.
Right? And you say, no, no, no, that's not how we do things in the tribe. That's not how we do
things in our village. We have we have a system in place. If your system was so great, what are you
		

			doing here?
		

			If your system worked, why didn't you raise your daughter in that old system, you recognize
something was missing, and you crossed an ocean and you put your children, I put my daughters into a
different culture, a different society, a multicultural, multi ethnic Society, an open society, and
now they're supposed to hold on to their Islam, which is tough enough. But on top of that, they need
to hold on to your village culture too. This is an imposition, this is a burden that you put on top
of them that Allah didn't put and that quote, what does it do in the end? At the end, we have to
understand what this does. A society that gets destroyed. A society that gets ruined is a society in
		

			which the door to Halal gets smaller and smaller, and the door to haram gets bigger and bigger. So
haram becomes easy and halal becomes difficult. When earning Halal money becomes difficult, then
that society is heading towards destruction. Well being in a halal relationship is difficult then
that society is heading towards destruction.
		

			This now the thing is the Israelites had done that to themselves. And Allah says when he gave them
the book well not run him Islam. Well as Allah, Allah let the Canada lay him, that Allah removed
from them their chains, and the fetters that used to be on them, meaning they were like imprisoned
by their own culture. They were making things so hard on themselves because of their self imposed
standards, that they were actually imprisoned and burdened and crushed by it. They were crushed by
it. I I'm remembering even I'm sure you have your own examples from your own cultures. But for
example, in some cultures, if you're going to have a wedding, it has to be a really lavish wedding.
		

			And if you're going to have a man that may have should be so big, that if somebody hears about it,
they fall off their chair. Right, otherwise, you know what, man, there's got to be some serious and
then on the other side are people that weaponize some random Athar and say, no, no, no, you should
just give a date. Or remember, have her memorize suit on the class that should be good enough man,
if she has Iman and Taqwa something ridiculous. This wasn't a matter of everyone like that. We
turned the religion into a joke, right? So either I'm gonna give her a KitKat bar for my head, or
		

			I'm going to give her four times my life savings. And you know, 30 years later, I still am not able
to pay them out, man. It's not a joke. Well, I took Nyssa Ducati in Latin, what we've done in our
cultures, is we've turned a man into a trophy, how much was it? How much was it? Like you wouldn't
when the wedding happens? So how much how much did you get? How much did you get? What's the amount
was the amount, or now when my daughter is getting married, we better have twice that amount. We
it's a it's a race for hierarchy, right? So we take something Allah has given that makes life easy.
And we've turned it into this way of putting social status and created even more difficulty. Now the
		

			guy that doesn't have $80,000 or $150,000, because he just graduated, just got his job. He He's
either got to agree to this, this marriage mortgage.
		

			Or he can get married. Or he'll agree to it with the intention that he's not going to pay it. But
it's just a number. Don't worry about it. How is it just a number, there's the word of Allah. You
can't just make a joke out of that. I'll just tell her later. You know, you love me, right? Can you
take a couple of zeros off? You know, like,
		

			this is what happens when the culture imposes standards that are so hard that they're humanly
impossible. They're unrealistic. And what do we associate with that we associate respect with it. If
you don't have a high number, if you don't have an unrealistic number than what respect Does your
family have? What Illa Hellraiser to, while he was really well, meaning, dignity, respect, that
comes from Allah belongs to Allah, it belongs to his messenger, it belongs to those who believe this
is we create these false standards of respect, and then we bury ourselves and we bury our daughters.
We bury them, you know, and then there are other situations.