Naima B. Robert – TMC The Dead Bedroom
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Let's, let's talk to this because there may be people who are
watching brothers sisters who are in, you know, this type of kind of
* desert marriage, if you like where, you know, one partner,
either in a situation where one partner who just wants it more
than the other, but they are still active, or they are actually more
or less inactive. And, you know, it's not something that they've
agreed on, it's not something that they're both mutually, you know,
fine with, you know, one partner wants it and the other doesn't,
let's, let's, let's say, let's, what do you what can we say to
people in that situation? What do you advise them to do? If they
find themselves in that situation?
Are we talking about regularly not wanting it, or every now and
again, not wanting it, you know, not wanting it regularly, like so
when I say like a dead bedroom. So this couple has been three, six
months, a year, two years without having *. One thing I always
say, and it's gonna sound really cliche, I'll start with a
disclaimer, I don't do couples therapy, because I don't speak to
men in trouble setting. And that's because to truly be vulnerable
with your therapist, you have to be and some Muslim ladies do see
male client, I'm just not one that just because I'm just like,
there's a lot there to do it.
The reason why I'm mentioning this is because it's it's a therapy
therapy therapy answer, because we usually very creative ways that
they can physically explore each other without even actually having
* if they don't want to have * with each other.
Some of the problems that came up recently was one of the ladies
were saying that, even if her husband makes her get her an
*, not through penetration. And then he is like, right, I'm
gonna roll over and go to sleep. She's still not happy with that.
She saying that she feels like he's still used by that, even
though his goal was to give her pleasure. So I'm like, it's
usually the other way around. Right? Oh, hold on.
Hold on. Wait, so he pleased you didn't get anything himself
necessarily, but he pleased you. But you feel used make that make
sense? What happened? Right? Yeah, I wish I could make it make sense.
Because it's really rooted in self worth. Right. So she's obviously
telling herself a story or a story. Yeah. And we all have these
self stories. I mean, you're a big talker of this, you know, yeah,
this Masha Allah, may Allah preserve you even just Allah.
Because the stories we tell ourselves of the loudest ones,
we're here every day, right? And if she's going to sleep feeling
now, this sounds even more cliche. Not enough for some reason, like,
why you just leaving me? Like, why does he not want to have * with
you saying, as opposed, right? Why is he just so me out type of
things? You can then go to sleep? Well, because it is the question
in her mind, why does he not want it? Is it that he doesn't want me?
He doesn't desire me? Why does he not desire me? Because all very
well, you know, me getting my piece. But why does he not want to
have his piece with me? Why does he not want me? Do you think that
that might be part of it? Yes. I definitely think that's part of
it. And for me, my advice would be free to work on yourself a little
bit about what how she values herself or her self worth is. And
I know like we'd like the coaching industry exploding and stuff like
that. It sounds really cliche, but the reason she doesn't have to do
it through coaching, she could do it too. So okay, the reason I'm
mentioning it is because we don't even realize, I won't say exactly
what it was we don't realize what for example, a parental statement
or an action from a parent in the formative years not to seven
actually leaves, like invisible imprint on us for the rest of our
lives. Right. And this doesn't mean we should all hate our
parents, which would resent them and that they're all toxic. No, I
actually believe most parents do the best that they could with the
tools they had insularity with you financially, emotionally, you
know, and if they didn't make the best choice for you for something
you needed at the time, it's okay to forgive them and accept that
you might need to work on some stuff yourself. Yeah. And that's
basically why so many women mashallah and it is great to see a
movement of this to be quite honest with you, and moving into a
place of personal development and you do a lot of work in this to
write writing and things. Because it really is important that we
lots of us were raised in a society where children are seen
and not heard, right. And that was like a common theme for a lot of
us
to be heard, and even hear your own truth back to yourself is
empowering in itself. It gives you permission to say actually, that's
not gonna be my truth anymore kind of shape or form and helps you
intellectually and cognitively breakthrough that right
So the reason I'm mentioning that is because when she is in a place,
if a woman can stand with a hand on her heart, in my opinion, and
say I know what I am, and I know what I'm not. And we had recently
over a lady was being slandered over something. And I'm sure that
was to do with some potential kind of like marriage opportunity.
I said, Put your hand on your heart, and take a deep breath. And
tell yourself you know, who you are and who you know.
And Allah knows who you are and who, you know,
take another three deep breaths, because there's not a thing that
person can say about you on this planet.
It will, you know, bereft you have any
new you know, or increase you in anything, you know, literally
everything down to reputation is with a lot every single second of
it. So can we forget, don't we, right? Because, like, social media
is so loud and all that kind of stuff. So the reason I'm
mentioning that is we've got lots of information constantly bombard
you know, as she may have seen or been told, at some point in her
journey, that, you know, husband is not interested in his wife, if
that and it's usually go to most women would presume that you're
having a really open conversation. And if it locks you in you your
big brown eyes and says, I love you. And I'm just, I'm just washed
out right now. I want to make sure you get what you need is a very
different exchange to, you know, I'm just sought you out, and then
I'm gonna roll over and fall asleep because I feel like I've
ticked the box.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, no, it makes sense. And I think something else that
comes up for me is something that I'm really big on, which is
reframing. Because like you said, we're all telling ourselves
stories all the time. And obviously, in this case, she's
telling herself a story that makes her feel frustrated and angry and
resentful of him. Right. And that whatever that story is, whether
the story is that I'm just a checkbox for him. He doesn't want
me you know, I'm not good enough, or, you know, he's this and that,
and that, or he always does the visit, or whatever it is. The
story isn't helping to,
to make good sense of the situation, because you can always
assume good or assume bad. And in this case, if she's angry with
him, I'm assuming that she's making, you know, it's a bad
assumption. Okay, so she's feeling some kind of way.
But like, sorry, on that point, yeah. Instill kiss her. Tell her
he loves her. And is she happy? Is she ready to rest? Now there are
things that you can say. He can say. He can say, but he's not the
client? No, no. And he's not the one we're talking to. So Mike, my
focus is always on. What can the person I'm speaking to do to make
this situation better for herself? Obviously, she, she, I would think
that if you can, if a person can reframe because it's for me, it's
the frame for me is Alhamdulillah, he cares enough about me to at
least take care of me. You know what I mean? Right? Because he
could not. And for me, that is that's the that's the fact of the
matter is that he could not he could just say, I'm not in the
mood, and just rollover without doing anything, and then go to
sleep. And plenty of men, I'm sure would do that. So for me that the
frame that is helpful to me, if I'm in that situation is this guy
cares about, but he must care about me, because he's not even
getting anything out of this and yet, and still, he is still taking
care of my needs. Alhamdulillah let me cuddle him. Let me make him
see that. I appreciate him. I'm grateful. And I you know, I want
to be close to him. And that's it. That would be one way for me. I
think that the reframing would is brilliant, what you said there
because I never did coaching training, but I seem to have this
knack for being able to reframe things with gratitude, but not in
like a toxic positivity kind of way. And never give people
positive affirmations that they don't already own timing is a
ground that I don't go to it's not what I do is I sit with the raw
What is it right now. And when we clear that, let's just say it how
it you know, and sometimes that you know, doesn't include things
that you would expect most women to say and that's great, because
it's coming out somewhere in a controlled space where it's safe.
The reason I'm mentioning that is because
when you just mentioned that then about gratitude, which is like a
law no I needed that today.
Everything I wanted
it is what I needed.
And if you are rolling over for Allah, you know, Oh Allah for you
I live in I die is what we should be
rolling over until that fellow right.
It's about you know, having these wonderful exchanges and trying to
fall asleep with a heart with
Zero rancor in it right? Is the goal. I'm digressing a bit of
spirits are there, but it's like an act of God. And it's true and
no, it is true. And I think, you know, I think if that person that
man if he she was able to, to be in that space of like you said, I
got what I needed today, thank you all I hamdulillah and and hugged
him and thanked him. Then, at another point, maybe she could say
something like what you said, you know, I would really love it. If
after we could have a cuddle before you go to see, you know
what I mean? And in in that space, he's not in a defensive, but what
more do you want? You're never satisfied kind of thing. Because
he knows that she does appreciate his effort. She sees that he's
trying, she appreciates that she was grateful. And this is just a
tweak. I don't know. No, it's true. And it's definitely, I'm
sure there are some people out there listening to this, you may
well give that exact thing ago because, you know, physical
fulfillment for a woman is a really important thing. And we
pretend walking around veiled like we do that. I used to work with
the non Muslim colleagues in public service. And we used to say
things to me like the women, especially, how could you kind of
do that? Because I used to make it very safe for people to ask me the
questions I get asked every else why any question is scared to ask
anybody else.
And they used to say things like, how would you feel about being
part of a religion where you're gonna get curse? Basically, if you
say no to your husband, you've just got you've just got to be on
top for him all the time. And I said, Do you know something that
you might not be as familiar with is that my husband is not really
supposed to approach me unless his intention is to satisfy my needs
first.
Before his own and if he hasn't got the energy unless he made me
feel used. He's not supposed to approach me at all. Oh, no, I
know, that's not a wajib it's not an obligation it is. But
nonetheless, for the people who love the sinner as much as they
love the obligatory acts, they will make that an active
intention, right, I do have a verb so to speak of a sunnah instead of
one that's just spoken about. Their jaws used to be on the floor
like seriously and so I'm like trying to break down and debunk
the stereotypes of Muslim women about things and you know, some
people you've set us up for why you can't talk about that to non
Muslims and I used to think that was our here
yeah, I'm saying it to women it will mean
and I'm just sharing that with you because they need to do is just
like do a Google search and it's all there because hamdulillah
everything in the deen is wild that you know it's open. It's
there, Masha, Allah, Allah