Naima B. Robert – TMC Full Episode 4 Polygamy @outstandingpersonalrelationshi Muslim Plural Marriage
AI: Summary ©
The speakers emphasize the benefits of expanding family and being a good father to teach others, including finding a "hasn't been true" situation to build on and finding a partner who is true to oneself. They stress the importance of privacy in relationships and avoiding negative consequences, and emphasize the need for privacy and empowerment through social media platforms. The future of the modern day is discussed as a whole, and the importance of working together is emphasized. The speakers encourage listeners to use their social media platforms to empower and equip those who are interested in finding the right person to work with.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah salam alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh Welcome
to another marriage conversation with your sister name be Robert. I
am so excited today to welcome one of my favorite families in the
dunya and that is Coach Nazir and his two beautiful wives Mashallah.
Coach Fatima and coach Nyla guys As Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa
barakato.
We've been here before Alhamdulillah numerous times it's
always wonderful to sit with you and I guess to soak in your vibe
really mashallah Tabata Carla, tell us a little bit about you
know your family dynamic for those who are not familiar with you tell
us how you came to be the family that you are today
Well,
what happened initially it was when I was a teenager I saw this
lady this girl
freshman year high school now I was like I'm gonna marry her. So
five years later we hit them becoming married after all a lot
of stuff occurred and ended up accepting this is this is at our
Christian high school by the way Wow All right, so we both
Christian at the time I saw our doesn't girlfriend at the time we
were together we were apart all kinds of stuff like that. I
started studying Islam and used to hurt she became Muslim we
recognize that we have to do better and we got here we were
young I was 19 years old at the time wow. And so we were married
started our family to want to change our entire lives lives and
lifestyles to be Christian of course being Muslim having this
whole new thing changed our name and grew family at securement at
the time so they 50 years and six children and then COVID-19 came
I was hoping I must
give I was not pursuing and looking to practice religion I
wanted to you know that's always the dream I've got a whole bunch
of money to over seven all these things long story short the
circumstances didn't permit themselves and I talked with her
while killed and stuff like that regarding Lizzie wasn't sure about
it and so on but
and getting an end up marrying coach so I can fix it again,
Adrienne, and we had a we had a son and then we had our youngest
son with Coach batsman who had two more so
you want to do the math.
Too many children as well as I have 10 biological children and I
have three postpartum knives seven and then she has two children
already who are now my son and daughter so now our entire family
system.
Three of us could be 12 children ever made to coach Phasma for 26
years now.
Wow
that's a nice nutshell. I like that nutshell. That's that's
really really good. Mashallah. So you guys are rolling 15 Deep
martial America, Allah amazing.
I love it. I love it. Alright, so Okay, let's just dive right into
it. Okay, because I know that people who are here
of course, they're gonna be looking at you guys thinking, Oh,
wow, this is goals, right? Because Masha Allah, or some people are
like, Oh, worst nightmare. Oh, my goodness. My man did ever Oh, no,
it couldn't be me. So
I would love to hear from each one of you. For the people who are the
for the viewers, for the listeners. From your vantage point
in this dynamic, what have you experienced as the benefits of
this family that you have built? I guess we can start with with with
that one, the head of the family, I guess coaching her there? What
would you say have been the benefits of polygyny for you?
Well, first, it has to be a caveat to because for your viewers and
everybody who was watching, you have to recognize we are in our
what I call the Chapter 11
Chapter 11. So we wouldn't be having this conversation chapter
1234 And five.
So it looks good now because we put in the work. So we do have to
make that caveat. Because if this goes, then you have to recognize
there's a whole period of time and you know, when you're writing a
book or seeing a good movie or something, there's the ups, the
downs, the pitfalls, the plot the triumphs and the tragedies that go
along with it. Okay, so, what that means, when it comes to the
benefits of political benefits of the ambassador, asking me as an
individual, one is that it requires that a man become more,
okay. You have to be above average, or at least strive to
once if you have that ambition to be
Some more. All right, if you feel you got your goal, you made it as
escaped. And that's you have nowhere to go from there. But
more so as a man that says, I want to expand my family because my
philosophy, I adapted it through profit centers
for my life philosophy. And he said, he talked about in
paraphrase in English, the three things that bother you, basically,
after you die, your book is those three things that can still
benefit you after death. All right, the rights is chosen. And
the key word is being righteous chosen. And so I wanted to anchor
that in for future generations that I wouldn't meet until the
sharp I don't want
someone to
want to change our names, it changed our lives, we want to
change generations. So that's one way then of course, it's up for
God. Beneficial knowledge lead. So that's how I live. So one of the
things is that it allowed me to become more of the man expand my
family, to be able to teach them things that I never knew, versus
giving them the things, the material things.
So
hold on a second, oh, boy. Let's have that again. That say it
again, for the other people in the back. Just drop that one more
time. I love that, please, please share that. Again. It requires me
to give them the things that I never knew.
Versus teaching them the things I never knew versus giving them the
things of the material thing. And I never had. So that's what
actually changes generations by being able to change that mindset
and give them something better, which is the sound, which is
sweet. We all three of us came from cover to the sun. So we
understand the stage and the smell and the build of it to get this
thing of the slime. And it's so sweet. So we wanted to make sure
we had that. And I wanted to make sure it goes to for next
generations, it will polygyny it can do that because you have a
bigger family emergency a bigger leader. And you know, that's some
of the basic benefits right there. But also as a man, I feel is one
of the most natural forms of marriage. Okay, so, you know,
you're not in knowing the history. I mean, Dr. Nancy Cartwright wrote
a book called public baths. And she talked about the transition to
come how monogamy is put out for and it's only been for the last
couple of centuries. So being when I talk about It's an ancient
solution to a modern day problem. It really is because as a man, you
know, there are things that we do, and we're different from what. So
looking at our own history, being providers and protectors, and
being able to exert personal power, what I call the three P's,
it's inherent upon us, if you want to strive to become a bigger man
and better and lead a society that requires you to become a man of
value, who lives by your values that requires you to do King
stuff, you know, even if it's only going home, because you still have
to answer to a lot. You know, that's some of the benefits I see
from there. Just on a lower level.
That's a pretty high low level.
hamdulillah Al Hamdulillah. i One of the things that just I mean,
obviously, it's it's,
it's
it's a different take on it, I think, because very often, when
polygyny is spoken about, you know, in our kind of modern day,
Muslim culture, it's horror stories, right? It's horror
stories. It's I've from where I'm sitting, a lot of shaming of men
and shaming of women who don't mind being a second, third, fourth
wife. You know, there's a lot of emphasis on the negatives is also
a lot of emphasis on the pain of the first wife, I think, and I
think the experience of the first wife has kind of given precedence
in the culture in the in the narrative. So I'd love to speak to
that sis in Sharla, if you could share with us not to say, because
I know that we've talked before, and I will share the footage,
actually. And I will link it in the description, when you talked
about your own journey, coming to terms with you know, with this new
dynamic, so I know that it's not all sunshine and roses. But I'd
love it if you you know, as the as the original wife you've been
married for at the time, 15 years, was it? What would you say have
been the benefits of polygyny for you? Oh, for me, let me see. It
allowed me to to understand the potential of who coach Nivea could
become and who I can, wow. Had to understand that he wasn't the
ninth grade 14 year old admits way back in the day, and to evolve and
I was a part of his timeline. He was a part of my timeline. And I
didn't get a say in who else was going to be on a timeline. So I
end up seeing girls through polygyny. And that means becoming
closer with Allah. So polygyny about me to I was focused on a
love and not enough and I had to learn through polygyny that
At I need to grow and I needed him to be removed to a certain degree
so that I can do that. So and then he needed to do that. Not only
needed to do that, and she'll speak on that herself. And I
always say that the beauty about the three of us is that we have
the ability to tell our own experience through polygyny. And
that's the power of OPR is that there's three of us. Oh, no,
there's gonna be rollovers are
submitted in my mind, no, no, no, I'm not it was just me and him.
But I wasn't a full week. Okay, gonna want to practice all areas
of Islam. I said, Well, why would he come along.
And I just want to practice these things. And it just leave that to
the side that to me is a fool's errand to think that. So for me,
it's about time for me to be there for my daughters who are growing
and developing. And they needed to have more deeper conversations
with me as I have four daughters, and we're going to start, that's a
lot of girls. But I learned that I needed to become more available so
that they can be elevated within those two, because it was not easy
for not just the three of us, but the children.
So educate them and refocus my energy, oh my lord matter, because
if I didn't do that enough, then I was gonna lose my way. And this
would never came the past was all about evolution, it was all about
empowerment, it was all about having enough time to reconnect
with a lot. It's part of our test, this was always going to be I
don't think it's something that was man made or manufactured, but
Allah always knew. So this was always going to be this way. So to
swim in the river of denial was not
so beneficial in that way, where we focused me and my children.
Wow, that's
really, really deep. Just I could love him for that. And like lots
of food for thought, because I think the majority of viewers if
they're married, they probably will be the only wife for the
first wife. May I ask? Did your feelings towards him change?
Because I know a lot of sisters feel like, if my husband did that,
X Y, Zed, what was your experience? Come on Z.
Hi, this is based on.
My feelings changed in that I was afraid for him. I was afraid for
him because I was concerned whether or not you'd be able to do
it long term. And then with that, me too.
I can't you know, I didn't think I had to understand that we all had
a responsibility to the success of polygyny, including me not wasn't
my job to destroy it, or try to write because it was going to
stand on his own. But I didn't want to create chaos in my own
life. So I understand that things are going to change for him, which
means things are going to change for us all all of us, everyone
that was involved in knowing that this world did not support him.
That scares me, because I'm like, Who's he gonna go to? If there's
an issue if he needs guidance, because the leadership clearly is
not being that so I was concerned about his journey, and would they
be able to uplift him and help our family? And I didn't have much
confidence in that. So I think if we were in a situation or in a
country that embraced Him in order to help him in order to help our
leadership, our family's leadership, our families, ma'am,
then I would have been like okay, cool, I get it. I don't like it.
Stan, standards respected. So you don't always have to like
everything, but you must respect it. Especially when you're Muslim,
especially in Islam. I see so many Muslims being so disrespectful and
divisive when it comes to political and makes their pain
because they make it about the three of us and what Coach Nivea
did and all this stuff. So I said Oh, keep saying what he did say he
got married again. It's because when you start saying what someone
did, then you put a negative connotation to it. I don't like
that. So that was my thing. You're disrespecting Allah. And you're
disrespecting the Sunnah that are sort of a slap
in that we angered me, but I was I was mostly just concerned about
leadership. And I'm like, What is he doing? Because you don't have
that I thought was with someone that qualified so
does that clock in and so I'm assuming you remained friends.
Alhamdulillah um, did it
Yeah, okay, so Masha Allah says, you came into this situation and I
know Masha Allah, a lot of, you know, a lot of the viewers either
maybe have been in that situation or maybe thinking or who would
that person be? So for you, as the subsequent wife coming in, you had
two children of your own, what would you say have been the
benefits of this dynamic of polygyny for you?
I think, like, a lot of work, double growth, growth, I think was
the biggest thing, biggest benefit. And it's a continual
process of growth of growing, learning, learning people
learning, personalities, different things. So growth is high.
Now, personally, silly.
Thing situation.
My mentality was this
big family, I would become the person I don't like, I noticed. So
you know,
we have my family was blended, when I grew up, not
practical.
That was a whole other story.
With, you know, married to someone who's married.
It was the difference I had. And I live with that. Mike, the joy of
togetherness and family and things like that. And that's what I saw,
in my mind initially.
Talk about that.
For so the growth and clarity, not just because sometimes I can look
at it and I said, Okay, well, I can insert is, you know, naive in
it, because of what I saw when I come.
But I don't think so I don't look at as naive I looked at as
I'm hopeful.
Also, like
two sides of the same coin, Yanni two sides of the same coin,
which I because in my mind, I saw where we are, I saw that. So this
is not something that
is a journey. So it's a journey is is growth is learned. And to me
that is a
beautiful benefit of political period, whether it's, you know,
our story, or anyone else's, if you're willing to grow, if you're
willing to learn, if you're willing to take yourself out of
the equation where it's just only about your feelings, or wants, or
desires, those type of things, then you open your mind and open
your heart and open yourself up to learn more and growing more and
being well rounded. Instead of seeing something as a one sided
type of thing. So yeah, growth was the biggest benefit of beautiful
families is additional benefits.
And I did come from
I came from being a single parent twice around. However, those who
are a little bit familiar with the story channel, I was raised by a
single mother who was raised by a single mother so that was a that
was new to me. I wasn't the person that was yeah, let me go seek and
searching for a husband type of thing. Because seriously, that was
really what do you knew
I'm a woman, I can take care of it. I can take care of this.
However, when you grow and you mature and you realize that that's
not what it's supposed to be about when you want to share your trials
with people you want to, you know, have companionship, we want to do
that and do that the right way. marriages have hearts, you know,
and I've had a failed,
failed monogamous marriage to be real.
So it wasn't about whether or not originally it was about if this is
a right fit. This is something that works if there's something
that can't grow, if this you know if the leadership is there.
Five, to find that and to build on that or to grow with that what we
are right now it's just
everything, always comments in a way, way. Chapter 123.
Chapter 11 is worth it.
Maybe it's been chapter 910 11 have been worth it.
I have a question for you this because you mentioned that you
grew up with a single mom, and obviously you have had your own
single moms
experience, which, you know, we're familiar with that dynamic in the
West, it's kind of like, okay, I'll just take care of things, you
know, this is what we do. Right? We're strong, we, you know, we can
deal with it. Was it difficult for you to, to submit to? Look, look,
look at the face?
Not to you
know, I use that what is it? It's a trigger word you see around
here. So I say the word submit, but was it easy for you to accept
the leadership of, you know, Coach Nazir, and kind of be a part of
this particular hole? Or what was that journey? Like for you? The
word that's a beautiful word, we have to stop looking at it as
something negative. I agree.
I agree. Yes.
Yes.
Talk to it.
And I think that is one of the lines that, you know, we were said
that a lot of young girls are bad because,
you know, make sure your education and right and this or whatever,
I'm thinking that you have to go to university, you have to go to
all this other stuff, not thinking that your education is all around
you. You can you can choose and you can grow and you can learn
from everything around. So getting a lot of the natural stuff on the
backburner, which is, you know, having a family or getting
married, having a family and growing as a unit that, you know,
it messes people up in that that framework, and that's what
happened to me. Like I had this thought in my mind at 14
Seriously, I remember telling my mom asking, Can I just have a kid
you know, or whatever, keep them in to the curve. Like that was
a steep? That's what I saw.
Yeah, I guess you could
it's a possibility. I mean, it's an option, right? And she's
thinking it's an option, okay. You can do it. Go and
when you grow that you deal with it, you deal with it in real life
is hard. You know, again, you want these other things but when you
want to raise well rounded children, it's hard to do that on
your own by yourself. In my studio, kind of Kiyosaki Rich Dad
Poor Dad, I say he has more information from time
to
travel.
So being able to
being able to really think about it and be truthful about it and
honest about it. Yeah, I can be stubborn, I can have my can go, I
can do that and say, Well, I can do this, I know how to do this.
But when you're by yourself and reflecting on what you want your
life to look like what you want your family to look like, you
know, that is a whole lot better when somebody else or other people
have your back and
lightens that Oh,
no, oh, you get all of this because you came from being single
and all this other stuff, I still could have done it. So continue, I
wasn't destitute. The thing is, is that you got to realize what you
want in your life, and how you want to, to have and what you want
your legacy
to the children,
our children have, so they're so far ahead. You have so much
privilege and we are remind them about the privilege that they
have, all the time because of the dynamic that they have three
loving parents, and siblings and everything like that, that went
through ups and downs to live with through the trials. And
tribulations. We have not
we have not hit we don't hide the negative from them. Because you
know, like with the UPS coming down, of course the sunshine comes
away with these different things that were kept with what how we
give them information. Because of that, they are lightyears ahead of
a lot of people and a lot they're lightyears ahead of us when I said
earlier about giving them and providing them the knowledge and
the growth that we didn't have to so it's just a beautiful thing.
Once you get out of your own way and coming back saying that well I
can do this I can do that. And it kind of almost does serve your
purpose type of thing. Because I've done I've it was in that
mentality to like okay, what you
This may have served its purpose, you know, the specific purpose
that I want for you. Is that what you're going to do when you
deliver your demo? I noticed that in a lot of our comments too, when
they should diminish it like this and they should have about this
right? It's like you want control over everything is
the same easy the SEC?
Or what are you willing to give? Or give up their return?
Oh, I love it. I love it. MashAllah handling lectures? I can
no hate on guys. Okay, so for families who are currently
thinking about growing the family, you know, marrying again, for
people who are in polygynous marriages right now, what would
you say as a collective are some things to remember whether it from
whoever's point of view, whether it's the man who's contemplating
it, whether it's the wife who is seeing her husband, or having a
conversation with her husband about this? Or the the other woman
who is you know, considering entering that family, or families
who are, you know, already in that situation? What are some things
that they should remember things to bear in mind? Well, here's the
thing, one of the reasons we formed, it started outstanding
personal relationship.com. And our YouTube channel is to provide
those resources that we didn't have, you know, when we look to
our spiritual leaders, whether it be the man, everything else, they
can tell us the fit of marriage, they can tell us that do do this,
do that type stuff and what must be there? Well, that's it. When it
comes to the emotional maturation, we don't get that we get some
basic ID, which do have wisdom, but you have to seek it out
yourself. It's not something that's okay. So one of the things
is to understand that there are many different dynamics. So that's
why I like it. First of all, is to our YouTube channel to see well
over 100 videos, coming from many different things that you would
not really go find YouTube that has billions of hours of video,
you will come across have never seen it never heard of talked
about just really on a different level. So one, understand that
there are many different dynamics to also understand that the man is
the one who listen.
Okay, he's the one. I'm wise don't practice religion, yet. We are
part of a polygynous dynamic, but I'm the one who actually
practices. So the wisdom they'll tell you shortly what's in mind,
what some of their messed up is already know, what is it man? A
couple of different things. One is that right now, a lot of the
things you'll hear inside is so woman female centric, that your
masculinity is now toxic. Being a man or being a B, or being
assertive or being aggressive when time needs to be it's like we want
you to just simply be a woman with peace.
That's not how we are, then are differently women.
And a normal man with 10 times and testosterone level of women isn't
normal, man, that's just normal, we have to understand what's real.
So two things to keep in mind is one is to have the conversation.
Be open enough to discuss it, have the conversation and be open up to
receive the conversation. And also let brothers know they say Okay,
have a conversation. Well, how do I start it? I'm gonna do it. Let's
blame it on us.
Party is third. You heard it, guys. Okay, you heard coaching of
the year. If you want to have a conversation about polygyny,
you're not sure how to broach it with the wife. Just blame coaching
and coaching Island.
This is real simple. Here's your life. Scrolling on YouTube.
And this covers polygyny. Once you think about how to watch,
you sit back and go, Oh.
Well, we coach them it means
you have like an onboarding playlist,
to the videos to watch to have the conversation. He's not even though
he might be interested despite what
you talked about your life and
you gotta open up the conversation, right?
You'll take it, it's okay. That's, that's That's your job.
How did it
Okay, so I'm Hold on. I just want to just dig a little bit deeper
here because
I hear you on the kind of the female centric, current dynamic.
And again, I think that the you know, the conversation in the
public space amongst Muslims is very first wife centric, actually,
very emotional and first wife centric. There's a narrative about
polygyny that centers on the first wife's experience. And I know that
from hearing men speak it
It's almost as if there isn't clear conversation and honest
conversation about polygyny in terms of the benefits and the
well, I don't know, what's the opposite of a benefit? I guess the
costs the benefits and costs, okay, so you know what it will
take from you. And also what you will gain from it. Right. So
there's, you know, the the narrative about Yeah, yeah, yeah,
get another one, bro. Yeah, in it. Yeah. It's kind of like locker
room type of.
It's kind of like locker room type of joshing type of, you know, like
bigging you up. Yeah, yeah, the big man, big man. But sometimes
the conversation isn't actually a very honest conversation about,
dude, this is actually going to take x, y, and Zed from you as the
man. You think that there is that lack of kind of honest. Look, let
me let me lay it all out for you. Do you think that's happening? Or
is it just kind of what I'm seeing? Well, here's the thing,
though. See, we're talking about polygyny, as though as some type
of weird thing, polygyny is simply a form of marriage. So if you're
talking to someone who's single, Never married, clearly that
you're talking about monogamy, there will be some changes here,
right? There will be some expectations, there can be some
adjustments, there will be some growth needed. And by the way,
most of them fail.
Right? So are we saying, Hey, are we having that same conversation
with
our men also leading the way and let them know they say, okay,
cool. Go ahead, get hitched, do anything, figure it out, do the
trial and error, because that's all that's really left with
religion. So it shouldn't be restricted to polygyny. The
challenge is this. If you're not only talking about marriage and
trying to win and be good at marriage anyway, and we're not in
the first marriage. Yeah.
That's because you did that. And then you're going to recognize it
may have other doors open to you. Should you want to practice
religion? Yeah. It's funny because women are like, Okay, this except
for that, that I'm gonna roll the dice over here with this, you
know,
but our main letting it note, well, first of all, the most
successful polygynous marriages that we are Willow, keep things
quiet. And they keep it quiet, they don't want to be
outside pressure, they don't need to open a door for say, time to
come in. We know that. Okay, cool. We're good. We had a safe space,
we're good enough. And he's gonna want to go we you know, overcome a
lot of things and a lot of growth. Do we go ahead and put out
information that can help people kind of reverse engineer what we
did with outstanding person relationships? And do that? Or do
we just succeed quietly, do our thing like, discuss the political
stuff?
weigh the options, okay, well, this will be beneficial knowledge
that weighs heavy force on your
right. So in the Prophet reception, I'm also said that the
best people are those who help the most people.
I'm like, You know what, we can actually do something right now
with technology that our ancestors never have the ability to be true.
We can be around our great great, great grandchildren to see where
they came from, like, every few gray hairs they come in, but they
still see me decades, centuries. So after I'm gone, our blade may
be in a better person or whatever, I don't know. I don't have that
option. I don't even know my great, great, great grandfather.
So we had to weigh those. And we came to decision this. Let's write
this book, just for him his company. Let's help people out.
Let's give in, you know what my whole high res opinion that's our
take?
On the conversation being had, really, our Imams discussing it?
Not much. And if St. John's number one needs to break up the family,
what about the person that stands in the way of uniting dependents,
that can somehow relate to the same end goal at the same time as
because our people, our leaders, it's Oh, no, it's against the law
here. Or I might practice it, but I'm not going to do it, somebody
else at the basket, or they put it these barriers or something team
allows it marriages have to do that doesn't mean monogamy does
have to do in these years. And in Islam, there are two forms. And we
should be thinking this politically, just as we teach it
over here woman on equality marriage. The problem is that we
don't have the resources. So we chose to become that resource. We
have to invest a lot in ourselves to get to that point. But the
problem is I got a bone to pick y'all had a bone to pick but those
were the leaders and community leaders and community which you
oftentimes have to do. And people are complaining women in
particular first wives in general. Well, I you know, please okay, but
I support it when it's done right? You don't say I support marriage
when it's done right.
She doesn't ask me and she said, you know, you want some eat?
Clothes, this cook right?
We a problem. But if we were to go to learn how to do things, right,
how to increase our emotional intelligence, our financial IQ,
how to be able to communicate more effectively
We're at a loss. So no of the conversations are not being had.
That's one of the reasons we were out. And that's the reason we also
talk more about polygyny than just traditional marriage. We talk
about monogamy in base place. But the reason is polygyny. Because it
doesn't get a spear airplay.
It's interesting Subhanallah that you say that because, you know, I
agree with you there is definitely
that, again, the cultural narrative is that in general
polygyny is done badly. It's done wrong. It's it's oppressive to
women not necessarily oppressive. It's exploitative. Actually, it's
not the oppression, it's that women get exploited, that men
don't give them their rights or that men are just basically just
playing with this thing. Yeah.
And I guess what you're saying is, well, that happens in monogamy,
too, which we know to be the case.
But also, because polygyny is is almost seen as like the sort of
the shameful cousin of monogamy. You know, it's like, yeah, yeah,
we know that. It's allowed but like you said, it's the but isn't
it? In the Quran, it says, You may ended up but you know, and I
guess, like you said it would if it's done right then or if he's
got the financial means, or what do you know, there's caveats,
right? There's caveats.
But because of that, it isn't something that we can talk about
openly. And it isn't something that people can learn about and
actually get good at because there's just not enough
information on how to manage it. So panel like this, you know, what
you said, Coach Fatima, what you said about, you know, knowing that
your husband wanted to practice as much of the deen as possible. It
reminds me of a question that somebody who was, you know,
studying Islam at the time and looking into Islam, and came
across some conversations about polygyny that were, you know, very
negative and again, sort of first wife experience century.
And, and this this person's question was, if polygyny is a
part of Islam, as is a part of you know, what is halal? It's part of
your legacy. It's part of our heritage. You know, our Prophet
SAW Selim had how many wives, right? It's known from the Muslims
that we do this right all around the world. If a Muslim woman
marries a Muslim man, why does she assume that he will not marry
again? Why does it not make more sense for her to actually assume
that he will marry again, because polygyny is, is a thing? And I
didn't have an answer for that. But you know, it's it talks to
what you were saying
about our mindset, and kind of how we even see our husband as our
risk, right? He's mine. This is my boo, this is my situation. Our
timeline is linked forever and ever. And that is how it's gonna
be SubhanAllah. The drama The saga, I know, I've heard it all
before. The thing is, is that it seems I blame a lot of these
Princess, a universe where there's a princess and the Prince and just
salmon a go off into the sunset, the West has perfected this idea
of women, and he's going to come save you and it's just your preps,
and he's come in and it's just you and it's just YouTube in the
world. We don't allow any Disney Princess crack when they were
little.
Because they didn't need anybody to come rescue them, they can do
it on their own. However, however, if you have the right husband,
then you can just you know, reach these sometimes together. But we
didn't put that in their head and they remembered our oldest
daughter she said to me, she said I'm so glad you're an avid and let
us watch those things. Because now as a married woman she understands
as both of you got help in the success of your marriage you both
responsible for that. Right? You're both responsible for your
own self care. So these things like these movies and the cartoons
where they're very get indoctrinated with this crap. So
that's what it is. It's what you have to learn a lot of this stuff
is toxic. They want to talk about how this toxic probably been a
toxic and subsequent attacks. No, let's talk about what put this
plant this planted the seed in your head that this mind thing.
So you say mine in America in the West to save time, but then
supposed to share with me, but it's mine. That's crazy to me. You
know. So when we do that we have to as Muslims, we have to learn so
much of this dunya that has been indoctrinated into our little boys
and little girls and then we just take them you just grow with it.
Like it's the truth like these people have not lied for us, lie
to us for centuries. You got to take with somebody who has a
colonial mindset and try to wrap Islam around it. Don't worry. I
just did a video called Get
Whether, again, whether you're going to stay or not, when are you
going to grow? And what are you going to do? It's up to you what
you're going to do. But don't expect it to be successful. In
polygyny, when you don't want to even work when you don't even want
to try. You don't even want to try it. Because see, then, if you try
it, and you'll go, Okay, well, I'm helping or making this easy. Like,
that's a problem. That's a problem. People say, I don't want
to make it easy. I've heard that before. I've heard that before. I
have. I've heard that before. Don't you want to make it easy for
them? Because I'll tell you one thing. It's not just being a
spouse, you got to show up as someone's friend in that marriage
some time. So it for example, of coaching IDEA says, well, this
person is sick, or I'm needed here. I don't start going well,
this is my night and you can't go to the hospital isn't this falls
on my neck?
This is this, you know what, this is the thing this print shop and
say, You know what, I understand that and you go handle what you
got to handle it let me know where I can help. Right, not this. You
know, first of all, last time I checked, people did not own time,
because we did, I would have more and have written with brown eyes.
To fix that all the way up. We don't own that. And we want to
think we own the people because I tell the sisters coach down I've
coached about this too, we want to face and some more stuff. If you
could stop or make or own that you would have stopped him from
getting married, you put it out of his head.
But you don't have the attribute but you want it
to have to say no, you can't an ounce my night and Oh, would you
go broke anyway, I made it so much stuff being said, there is is
reaching to the point where some of these things being said this
suspicion, that accusation, the name calling is haram for you. And
they need to understand the power of that and watch that mouse. When
you say some you wish you hadn't said that you they won't let you
apologize for one thing about burning up in bridges. And I've
said it all the time, you got to cross over him sometimes. So it's
wise not even burn them up in the first place. So you never know
you're gonna need
to shut up after this last point.
I remember I was having one of the worst days it was the anniversary
of my father's death. Because now we have a family circle. We talk
about all these different things that are family to me. And it was
one of the worst days because that's the day where it all starts
washing down and go, Oh, why don't have a dad. Oh, he died. He's
gone. And the kids are still talking to you about because it's
the anniversary and she broke a circle in Hungary. So you never
know you're gonna need to see in year one, you're gonna
I'm not gonna let her
talk to her. So whatever. But then you see the growth? You see that?
So all those kids I got in a husband I have we have we share
me. Then who broke the circle first? She didn't. He did. Right?
Because he caught the photo because he was
in the moment you go, okay. See that you have to be careful what
comes out of your mouth, because you're making, you don't even
realize it. So you never know you gotta read some shooter is my
point. Okay?
So go spot them as thing to remember is what your mouth
number one thing that means people to speak. We noticed that tongue
this thing in here is the number one thing to get. We actually knew
that emotionally versus intellectually, we would likely be
a lot more silent in wrap that thing up a little bit more. But
the problem is they can't see it. They can't see the punishment yet.
They can't see where it's distorting their their judgment.
If they could put their hands on it. If it was tangible, then they
might be slightly more careful because nothing has around them
that they can see. But they shouldn't have faith in the
unseen, right? You don't remember that first and foremost,
especially initial wives or
rescue for around the house. But I feel this way. I don't even know
about how you feel is what the Lord says you can have which you
can have. And when the messenger Salallahu Alaihe Salam says,
that's important. We can't bypass that or look over that or
disrespected. But there's so much disrespect to the Muslim community
over something that is so simple and clear. To be history is the
problem. I asked this one sister she was like, Well, I don't know.
I don't think I can handle that. You don't
I have to give a person a prayer. Well, I mean, he should. Oh my Oh,
so Right. Oh, no, right. She dug that hole right there. Oh gosh,
wow.
You don't feel free, but you're gonna lose,
you're gonna lose
Supanova I think we need to take a minute of silence for everybody
who just had to, like, just get told about themselves? No, because
I think, you know, you know, I think for for many of us who've
done a lot of personal growth work, right? We understand the
importance of regulating your emotions, right? Being in touch
with your emotions is I think one level, knowing how to regulate
your emotions. And almost you know, you're in that state,
choosing your emotional state and actively working on being in a
particular emotional space and state.
As you were talking, I'm able to kind of put myself in everyone's
shoes. I think it's must be the author in me. Right. But I know
the compulsion that we maybe as women, as initial wives have to
control the situation. You can.
That's the worst part. I think, I think, aside from the emotional
side, or Oh, my husband, I thought it was going to be this way. It's
a lot of things. Actually, if I can just pontificate for a second,
I think,
you know, but because of what you mentioned, what we grew up with
the stories that we were told the stories that we kind of, you know,
absorbed from the environment, the stories, we told ourselves, the
stories our parents told us, our expectation is that it will be I
will get married, I will have children with this man. And that's
it. That is our life.
That's it that's their happily ever after. And that's where the
story ends. So already, we already have an expectation. And I always
say, you know, the gap between expectation and reality, you know,
the size of that gap is what breeds the frustration and the
disappointment and the unhappiness, right? Because if you
expect it to be just the two of you forever and ever soulmates,
etc, then this is a huge breach of that contract that you make. It's
like a violation. It is what it is we get lined up with this stuff.
You think of 90s music with the begging and pleading my daughter
she actually teased me about Joe to see I'm that old but no, no,
no, no, no, we do not this Joe to see on this channel. No, no, no,
no, no. She was like, it's so dramatic. And I told her she's 24
I said, Well, you know, we weren't gonna give the cookie up so
easily. So they had the bag. So this, they don't beg anymore.
They do all that stuff. Because it's because we weren't gonna just
jump down and get it. Yeah, he went Oh, she said that his central
up throne. Oh, my goal is set us up. Because it's just me, you
know? Because that's what we understand. Now that love is
right. Love is how they speak in the songs love is I can't live
without you. I love is you are my everything. You are my world. You
know, I'm nothing without you. What is it? Without your baby? I'm
all over the hedge.
Right.
So yeah, it is in but that's part of the doctrine nation. That's
part of the mind, my mind ain't sharing it because you didn't beg
the rights. You're on your knees, right? And a lot of people that
are from that time remember that and you still want it, even if
they become Muslim.
That's the standard. I'm gonna control this whole narrative
because that is what was dumped in our laps that we were given a
power there, but it's a setup. It's such a setup, because then
you have to think about you don't own anybody's life though. We
think we are part of each other's lives. But we're not each other's
life. That's the part that makes me upset when sisters don't you
know, that's my husband. Yes, booboo, he's your husband.
Absolutely. And it might be somebody else's has to be too
careful. Because you don't get to control it. I don't want to
control it. Because if I could control his life, then I'd say
okay, if we can control somebody's existence, then we'd love them so
much. When we really let them die down. We'd let them go. And I'm
like, it wouldn't be so easy to let someone go and I've loved them
this month. That would be hard for me to do. And we'd sit there and
watch them wither away before we let them go, but you can't leave
me. But Allah is in control. He gives me breaks that eat break
Step relationships ever will we will we have enough self control
to just break the relationship forever?
I don't know about
you when you say that it was making me think of say that the
initial stages, it wasn't what you wanted, wasn't wasn't what you
signed up for, right? Like most women in the West, in modern day,
I'd say most women do not sign up for a marriage thinking there'll
be another one or two or three later on down the line. Right. So
Okay, fair enough. But as you were talking, I wondered, if you had
had your wish, in that early stage, if you could have changed
it, if you could have said, this is not happening. He is not
married to coach Nyla.
And you could have, as you were saying, you know, you had the
control, you had the power to change it.
Look at everything that wouldn't have happened. Like this, this
reality that you have all of it, the growth, the man, the family,
the children, the relationship between the three of you, the
business, the coaching, the teaching, the impact, right, the
legacy, none of it would have happened, if you had had your way
in your little like lizard brain and thinking.
And I wonder how many of us think of that, you know, I could be
blocking Monica, my blessing.
Go ahead, says, because it's really interesting that you say
that too. And,
of course, I feel like sometimes I'm around to kind of
waste that. People don't hear a bit more
voices than me putting yourself down. It's a big voice mashallah
that people don't get that. Out of those things, too. We have to
wonder if we had our way of saying, No, I want her to be
happy. So let me fall back and divorce. Wow.
Because I went through that a number of times, I'm like, you
know, what, if I feel like I'm hurting somebody, or breaking
somebody's marriage up, I'm doing things because I was the narrative
that was around me. That's what society was saying that
was like, no one, don't be that person. I don't want people to
look at me as that person. So why don't I just step back?
Go back to being a single parent join and things
like that?
Open the door. It's like, okay, when you do this, you did that. I
remember, a comment came through. And it said, it was sort of, I
think, a different woman. But she said,
why don't you go find a family that want to take you instead of,
you know?
Like, how about
the husband, and we want to get married? But initial wife was, she
just was not having it. But people were common. It was like, was she
not happy with your wife? Would you find a family that will take
you away? I'm like, to work.
Second, why some production agency does not have.
So when it comes to it, it's like, you know, we've had our things
too. It's just not heard about it. Because yeah, talking about it,
because people don't want to hear it.
But when it does come out, they're like, Oh, I never thought of it
that way. You mean? Yeah. Like, wait.
It's funny. Yeah, exactly. You're Subhanallah You're so right.
You're so right. And I think, you know, this speaks to, you know,
like the first wife centric narrative, right? That the second
one, like, whatever she goes through, who cares? Why she chose
that, you know, even the husband as well actually doesn't matter
how much he struggles, he should struggle, he chose it, that's your
fault. They have to deal with it now. You know, and, you know, as
as as questionnaire as you said, you know, she's human, you're
human, you know, you're, you're all human beings on this journey,
right? And I think what you said, Coach Nyla, about, you know, as a
second wife, or as a subsequent wife, when things may not be going
as smoothly as you'd like, even you yourself feeling. Maybe I
caused this and maybe I should just remove myself, you know, from
the situation and let them go back to how they were before they were
happy before I came along. And I think this really speaks to one of
the
one of the central messages of this whole marriage conversation
series, which is,
marriages succeed when we have the right intention, and we commit it
I think it's the commitment piece that is becoming eroded in today's
society.
For a feeling the in marriage for a look for a vibe for the good
times, and you know, I think that somewhere along the way the
message was lost, maybe it's the boomers, we can blame them. But
the message was lost that the marriage works when you commit.
Because when you commit, even if you have a difficult chapter 1234
If you stick with it, and you keep working at it, you will get a
shift in chapter five, and then six and seven, and eight, up until
Chapter 20, you could be going back and forth. But the point is,
you'll get to chapter 20, if you commit, whereas nowadays, I feel,
you know, the messaging is if it's not working,
choose you
choose yourself, Brian, you know,
you know, one of the things that you said is, is very important,
because he kind of goes along with the model with coaching, right?
Because I'm
that guy
to coast.
You know, coast now theater, I'm gonna go to healthy conditions
together. Because it starts here, you have to have that mindset. The
challenge comes when you say commit is to commit to the work to
me,
you know, understanding that you might be the problem, do my thing.
And we look at ourselves as the problem. First, we have to accept
accountability.
That's very important to just like, we're doing the work, like
most novices all the time, success only comes before work in the
dictionary.
When you look at beliefs, and I was thinking, as you were speaking
with someone, the first wife centric model, and says the ECB
has so much pain, if you think about Velcro, the upper right is
like our beliefs. We read these things and ideas from movies, and
people and parents are teaching their loved ones, communities and
their vehicle comes in and sticks in really, really tight, really
strong, right, with no empirical data to really support it just
people's opinions or feelings or thoughts or whatever we come
across, right. But when something because a child has had pulled it
apart, it's not a bandaid is therefore strong. But then you
start seeing a different form of marriage, oh, my god, now it's
happened to me and all my beliefs, and all these things have to pull
it apart to see reality. That can be really painful. Yeah. But we're
adults, we have to have conversations, we have to admit
our flaws. If we aren't where we are, we must do that. If you don't
even fill it in in everything. So you can absolutely be in a
polygynous marriage, or one makes more good. Another might be
struggling. Number one, my daughter brings a divorce. And
otherwise, if you have four, right, because each of them are
individually. And one of the stepping. I was talking with my
wife recently, because we're coming out with some different
trainings that we're doing in 2022. And depending on when the
hottest washes might already be. But when you see us, you'll see
three of us right? When you look at us really don't know that
there's actually seven different spheres going on. All right, I'm
coaching I do, coach, Coach, neither, we have our own
individual sales, not only individual identities, not all
individual authenticity, best circles, if you will, right
priests fears. Now coach that's been on over 26 years ago for Miss
Thurman, between us this kind of shared marital identity, and that
share your thoughts, ideas, concepts, written unwritten, all
that stuff. They're right.
11 years ago, after we kind of appear, you know, like I'm just
thinking animation.
So now we have this, you know, identity, these ideas and
thoughts, concepts and beliefs about each other, and what
marriage should be right. So that's the sixth, then they also
have one also as
polar like, I'm not talking to them going and no one ever, or
could be friends or at least we're working toward it. So there are
seven different identities that are operating just with the three
of us. The sooner we're able to recognize a disassociated little
bit to understand these things, we can work on ourselves to have that
growth because it's
working on ourselves become better if I'm working on me to become
better in different areas of my life and communication and
leadership and finances automatically become better in all
these different areas for everybody. In my parenting for
clients were all of this stuff. They become better for people that
they coaching, doing counseling, all it is. So when you say coming
to that work,
you can't beat that. We have to only
actually can control
Why 100% I love that. I love that but a couple of feet. Okay, so
what, let me let me let's narrow it. What is one thing that you
would advise
Is polygynous families to avoid either as members of a polygynous
family or just as a family as a whole? One thing to avoid
all those comparisons syndrome on the marriage?
I like that. Yeah, I think one of the major things is allowing
everyone voting involved in who they need to become, is a big one
for me. Because sometimes we want room to evolve, but we don't allow
for anyone else. And that's a big problem. Huge. You don't allow the
husband, the CO wife or children, your buddy yourself enough space
to learn and make mistakes, because you're gonna make them and
learn from
people's hands. That always bothered me, because then you form
a pattern. All these patterns get formed and then you look up there,
it's over kids hates you. Yeah, maybe it's just a wreck. So just
avoid stopping someone else's evolution.
Mashallah.
I will say,
avoid
being weak.
Avoid being weak, it's easy to be weak. Take the cowardly road or,
you know, be wanting to feel uncomfortable and practice
avoidance, avoid, deal with
avoid addresses on demand on demand.
Go ahead, move forward directly do what you got to do but avoid
weakness, right? Because weakness is a choice. You can be courageous
and fail at something, would you still respect that? But don't be
weak and succeed at something they still don't respect. So what?
I really like that, I wonder, I've said before, and maybe coach
Nylund Fatima can
corroborate this. But with the
insecurities sometimes that can come out between the women, either
the initial wife or the subsequent wife, exactly, as Coach Snyder
said, is the comparison, isn't it? You know, I'm not, you know, we
haven't been married as long as them or we don't have as many
children or, you know, she knows him better, or she's the new hot
thing, whatever the case may be. And I've always found it to be
very useful for each wife to play her. What's the word? know, when
you have people in a game, Krishna, you know, this, like
you've people to get paid position. That's it.
To play your position, right? Because every one of you has her
own unique strengths in this situation. And her probably her
own unique connection as well with the husband, right? And her home
has its own dynamic that is unique, and it's you know, special
to her and whatever she's creating on her end of things. And when
sisters have brought this up, I've always said sort of, you know,
play your position, play to your strengths. Don't compare what you
have and what you've got going on with, you know, your co wife,
because all that will happen is you're gonna feel like you're
lacking somehow. But the reality is that you have strengths and she
has strengths. You've got great stuff going for you as she does,
right. Play your position. Do you think that's good advice to give
to co wives? I think is a great.
I think it's great advice. This is a funny thing. You said that
because Cochabamba has its history and everything like that, I think
was like okay, well,
instead of figuring out how I can communicate with him in a way I'm
not sure we have this way. So maybe he uses this committee
to see these different things and find your position, knowing what
works for you. And
it this is the interesting thing. What is done for me, has even
allowed me at times because I know certain strengths of hers and how
she can get through to him on certain things. I didn't actually
go to her and say, you know, what did I do?
answers you might like
and it's really cool. It was like, isn't it it's not there's still
the line in the mirrors but it's still succeeding as a unit
succeeding as a team, where it's like, okay, we want to win all
around the board. So if I'm having some issues and communicating some
type of wants needs or something like that, and I know that she can
do it, or she can kind of like you know, wait, you know, there's a
trigger wherever you use that
because we have a relationship together, you know, a big yawn we
have a fracture
Yeah
okay, yeah, go.
Because he is an INTJ
Hee has a whole bunch of other stuff going on, he may be totally
oblivious. So what I was feeling when I say, hey, like, you're
right. But then another voice got like, yeah, you know, this is, you
know, this is the feeling this is what a feeling this is what a
feeling person feels right?
To take away from that, like he doesn't have feelings because
because he definitely hasn't. It's just, it's more of a logical
standpoint. So being able to have that. And I remember listening to
one of the interviews he did with wonder brothers and it was like,
do your wives get together kind of like ganging up on you being with
that's what it sounds like to me. There's a tag team going on here.
But we don't it's more of a you know, we can work together and
that's the thing where we even talk about CO lives that the other
sphere that you're talking about having that what you wanted
together with want to know each other or not, is so much benefit
in doing that for the whole family dynamic. Yeah, and so when we talk
about outstanding personal relationships, not okay
relationship nice relationships, outstanding personal
relationships, you want to make sure that if that's what you're
striving to have, I'm just trying to think you want to do that all
around the board and of course, there's talked about before is
working with yourself so because you've done the work I go to my
komak without feeling like well I don't want to hurt you know
knowing how honorable like
yesteryear
just pretty much you know hey we want to win and we want to see
each other witness each other succeed and then once you have
that mindset that shift in my shift
well before that you will definitely see so many benefits
and privileges and they totally outweigh the negative that people
are trying to put out there allowing huh
Masha Allah Tala kala guys, listen, as always, it's just been
such such a pleasure to just be in your space and spend time with you
and you know, hear your words of wisdom, Masha, Allah, what would
you think? Or would you say is the future of polygyny, then, in our
modern day in our modern Muslim society, like what's the what's
the what is the future hold?
You reminds me of a story, that question I should imagine the
story, I'm going to be brief with it. But there was a guy, he was a
track star named Benjamin.
And when he was wandering in the mid 1900s, his goal was to beat
the four minute mile, nobody had ever done it before, we scored a
four minute mile and people thought it was crazy. There were
actual cardiologist saying that if a human being was able to run
quicker than a four minute mile that hardly slowed a cardiologist
licensed.
So all this stuff going on, and he had to go to bat, and people
thought he was crazy until he wasn't getting beat.
Now, he beat it. Now all of a sudden, it opened up the belief
that other people can do it. So we're gonna follow the ethic of
about 58 or 59, people that were hundreds in their 1000s. Now high
school track, guys,
the four minute mile, now, there's a problems with the bar, if you
really want to make this track to surpass what has to happen to
somebody has to be on that track field, somebody has to run and
beat that four minute mile and go in and help people understand that
negative news spreads 30 times passing positive news. So if all
you hear are horror stories,
turn on the news. negative news is going to sail you're not going to
get my charities, all the celebrations all the good stuff.
You're not going to hear about that. But you're going to hear
about negative stuff because it gets a negative reaction from you.
And it sells more. And in the case of publicity, it sales more that
you shouldn't be doing. Even though it's noble, it's honorable
when you are working to win. So we believe that you know what
outstanding relationships and what we're doing well, let's talk for
listening on sensor that we can get information out, you can
empower and equip those who are interested in it, or those who are
curious enough to start to go in when, you know, so we know the
impact that we are making. We're grateful for that and the
blessings that come along with that. But we believe in the future
polygyny should be honored instead of a whole lot more than the
future of same * marriage. We seem to get a lot more agreement
unfortunately, amongst our community.
Bless
You two, three or four?
That's deep.
And I think on that note in sha Allah, we can we can wrap up tell
us of course, we heard you have a YouTube channel and guys
everything will be linked in the description in sha Allah, tons of
amazing content on the YouTube channel. How else can you can
people work with you or learn from you guys?
Oh, we all three of us offer coaching counseling so you can
visit for details. And Coach fatima.com For more about my
coaching and counseling coach.com The coaching
me.com You can reach all of us there, you know, yeah, questions
want to remain anonymous. We've got some Facebook groups, we do
have a number of different support systems and things in place. So
that's where you can reach us. Google has outstanding personal
relationships. And we look forward to again empowering more people
sharing our voice and also in recognizing that future
generations that come from this dozen children that we have.
They will also be able to get the same information it may benefit
them in our extended families when that time zones show so there
isn't in love may Allah bless your family as it grows, it's an OMA
already, inshallah is going to be an even bigger amount and the next
generation comes along and Sharla this as long as we're invited to
the cookout, it's fine.
But, you know, it's always a pleasure to sit with you guys just
like hello Hayden's so much for your generosity and, you know, for
the courage that it must have taken as I'm sure it does take to
show up like this in this space because as you've said, you know,
it's not a popular conversation. It's an uncomfortable
conversation. So for you as a family to make this decision to
put yourself out there and have the uncomfortable conversations.
It's extremely admirable and may Allah bless you and reward you for
all the work and you know everyone you get to impact along the way
mashallah guys you heard it here first you know what you need to do
you know you need to like the video you know, you need to
subscribe to the channel so that you can continue watching these
marriage conversations and tell us in the comments what you took from
this exchange with my wonderful guests this this particular time
around and inshallah we're back again, isn't it Allah guys is I
can I could look here thank you so much for being here was Salam
alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh