Naima B. Robert – The Intimacy Conversation Intimacy Killers and How to Tackle Them Haleh Banani
AI: Summary ©
AI: Transcript ©
Bismillah salam Wa alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh welcome
everyone to the next presentation in the intimacy conversation. We
have a very special guest a popular guest on this channel
Masha Allah Tabata Kala, we do love her. We love her energy, we
love her heart. We love her warmth, and her very practical
advice about marriage and all sorts of things psychological and
she is none other than sister Holly bananas summary quote, My
dear sister, welcome to the intimacy conversation Why likoma
Salam rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh just take a look here for that
warm greeting that was so sweet of you. And I love being on here. And
I love working with you mashallah, that hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen.
So, I'm, like I said, veterans of this channel, they know you from
Secrets of successful wives. But for those who are new, and we have
a lot of new people who've joined, tell them a little bit about you
the work that you do, and then let's jump into it with these
pillars. Let's go. And let's do it in sha Allah hamdulillah I've had
the privilege of being a faith based counselor since 1998. So
that's over 25 years my shot love working with the Muslim community
working out with 1000s of individuals across the globe. So I
get a rare glimpse of what the Muslims are experiencing the
difficulties that they face. And dealing with marriage has been an
area of expertise Hamdulillah, which we have, it has led us my
husband and I to make marriage programs. So we've done a
premarital program with a popular guests with Baba Ali, who was just
on Mashallah. And, you know, I teach the practical information,
he makes it very entertaining. We have the five pillars of marriage
program, which is, you know, giving you really the blueprint of
having a successful marriage, and there's a lot of focus on intimacy
and how to improve that. And the global support group helping women
become the best versions of themselves. Mashallah. And that is
transforming the lives of many, many women and 100 in law, so, I
can't wait to start this discussion. It is long overdue,
and is very critical for us to address these seven killers, the
seven killers of intimacy.
Okay, I Okay, are we doing it? I wasn't sure if we're doing it in
conversation style, or you just want me to go at it. Let me know
Sister.
All right. So what I am seeing what I have seen in doing this
works upon a lot is that there are so many preliminary steps, right?
In order to have good intimacy, many people see it. As you know,
setting the mood setting the mood is not just about lighting up some
candles and wearing something nice. It has to do with the
prerequisites, there has to be a prerequisite to having good
intimacy, right. So there are seven killers. And I've worked
with 1000s of people and help them overcome these obstacles. And it
has to do with first and foremost, finding out what these aren't a
case and mashallah they go from either being in the self study,
you know, in a * starved marriage, or you being totally
disconnected living as roommates or just like being unfulfilled or
feeling like it's a chore to having good, intimate
relationships. So how does that happen? There are definitely
things to keep in mind. First of all, there is a lack of positive
association to intimacy. Now, how does this happen? How many of you
were taught about intimacy? I'd like to know how many of you have
been taught that, you know, I have done a lot of, you know, workshops
and conferences with the youth. And most of them told me that they
have never had the talk. They're just like, could you give me the
talk right before I get married next week. So they don't have to
talk. We have not been educated. I know, my mom would turn beet red.
Anytime a topic like that came up. So what happens is that most
people are not educated in it. And then there's the fear tactic,
right? It's like, oh, my gosh, we need to raise children, you know,
women or girls who are chaste, and they stay away from that stuff. So
what did they use? A lot of the parents use the methodology of
scaring them. There are scare tactics to ensure chastity. How
many of you have that? Well, I did. And that is part of the
reason. I wanted to address this because I know that I didn't have
the tools I wasn't you know, given that talk, and I face certain
challenges and as I worked with couples and women from all across
the world, I'm like, Oh my gosh, okay, I wasn't alone. This is like
this is very prevalent. And so what happens is that this is
created
has created kind of, you know, we've had this androcentric
concept of *, right and the failure to recognize like female
sexual desires, right? So it is it has been introduced, like
* is pleasurable only for men or and it's a duty upon
women, this is kind of like the mentality that a lot of let's say
maybe our mothers, our grandmothers, maybe they have this
mindset. And so that's what they teach, and good women, right.
There's also that concept of good women with noble character, they
won't ask for it, right. And that it becomes almost shameful, if
this is something you desire. And sadly, there is also this
undertone of like, only prostitute would, you know, would enjoy
intimacy or would would wear certain outfits and would do
certain things. And so with that mindset, it's really difficult for
so many women, to,
for so many women to overcome all of these, you know, all of these
cultural baggage is and this is not Islamic at all. And this is
what's so important to realize is that this is not what Islam
teaches us. The Prophet sallallahu sallam said, he loved the and he
respected the women of the unsought because they're higher,
right? It was like they had to hire. But yet, they were not
afraid to talk about intimacy, ask questions about it. So that's
really important to realize that there are certain cultural norms
we have to overcome, I've had clients that, you know, they they
feel so dirty afterwards, some actually cry after intimacy,
because of these, this mentality, this has been pushed on them
SubhanAllah. And we have to also look at it you know, how many
people have been taught that, you know, this is your duty, it is a
chore. And if you don't do it, the angels are going to curse you, we
have to look at the psychology of duty versus desire, right? If
something is a duty, and if you feel like Oh, my God, if I don't
do it, you are you're going to feel less, you're going to feel
less motivated, right, and your heart is not going to be in it,
and you're not going to be engaging. And so in Islam, what we
need to realize is that the act of intimacy is pleasurable for men,
and pleasurable for women, right. And it's a duty of a wife as much
as it is the duty of the husband to please one another. So we need
to stop presenting it like that, you know, that hadith about the
the Prophet salallahu Salam saying that if a woman
you know, she prevents or holds back the intimacy, they will be
cursed. This was an intent, okay, the intent of the Hadith was to
not use intimacy as a form of manipulation, which I have seen.
I've seen some people, some women will use it and some men as well
as a way of manipulative so we want to make sure that we have to
adjust that cultural the misconceptions. Okay, so the first
killer was, what is the lack of positive association? It's bad,
it's shameful. It's haram to where certain things act certain ways.
So that is the first thing that we need to correct.
Sr, are you chiming in? Or is this I just want to know, what because
are we doing it as a conversation? Or should I go ahead? I want to be
able to give you the chance to chime in if you want to chime in.
All right, I think we're just doing it alright.
All right, then. The second thing is a lack of self esteem and body
image, you know, women have been suffering from whether it's low
self esteem or not having a strong body image for you know, for so
long. And it's gotten even worse with social media, because now,
you don't just compare yourself to the people that you're your
classmates or people you see friends and family. It is
everybody around the world. And so if you don't feel good about
yourself, or your body, you will not be interested. And you won't
be like, you won't find that appealing, you won't want to get
intimate because you have to realize that the sexiest thing is
confidence. That really is it's not about your size. It's not
about your shape. It's not about your looks. It's really about
feeling amazing about yourself what you have to offer. And when
someone when someone has that confidence, it really doesn't
matter whether they they fit that standard, right or that ideal
standard. So when when a person lacks self esteem, and it could be
from the men's side, right, a lot of men suffer from these issues as
well. They may not have like they may have gained weight and they
feel like you know what, I'm not
looking as good as before, and so that prevents them from wanting to
be intimate, right? So we need to make sure that our self esteem how
we feel about ourselves. And it's, it's interesting because yeah, as
I mentioned, the the five pillars of marriage, which is the marriage
program, we put a lot of psychology into this because it's
based on research, and it's based on results, right. And so we put
the fifth pillar, as soon as intimacy right, not the first
pillar, and I know that a lot of people like want to, like jump
right in and learn about the intimacy part. But it's like, you
know, what, there are stages. And it really reminds me of how, you
know, Allah in the Quran says that your, you know, your, your spouse
is a tilt to you, right? And, you know, you ponder that and you say,
like, what is what is that about, right? If it farmer, you know, it
can't just like plant the seed, you got to, you got to prepare
the, you got to prepare the soil, there's a lot of stages, before
you can plant the seed, and then like, expect fruits from it,
right. And so that is such a beautiful analogy that Allah uses,
saying that there are steps, prerequisites, things that we need
to know and things we need to do in order to have that. So you
know, with our the pillar one is all about, like, let's say,
improving yourself, your your self esteem, if you feel good about
yourself, about your body, about what you have to offer. If you're
in a good place emotionally, spiritually, psychologically,
guess what, you're going to shine, you aren't going to feel good
about yourself. And when you feel good about yourself, guess what
the people around you are going to admire you specially your spouse.
So number one is to work on yourself. So the second thing that
we talked about that is that the killer, right? The killer of
intimacy is when you don't feel good about yourself, when you
don't feel good about your body. When you feel like I'm too. I
don't know, some people think they're too skinny, or some people
think they're too fat, or they're too whatever it is, I know that
women struggle with their self image body image so much. And it
can lead to, you know, taking extreme measures of there's eating
disorders, or people starving themselves. And we don't want to
use that approach, we want to just look at our body as an Amana and
we want to take care of it. And we want to be at our best. And when
you're at your best guess what your spouse is going to notice.
And you are going to be able to feel good about yourself. Okay,
then the third thing that will kill that will kill intimacy is
this lack of friendship? Okay? So if you have a lack of friendship
and time together, let's say let's take the example of a of a couple,
they don't see each other, maybe they wake up at different times,
maybe the husband goes to work earlier, the wife wakes up, they
don't really spend time together at night, they each do their own
thing. Maybe they're on social media, they're watching different
shows, we can come they're not really they're not connecting,
right? So if you're not connecting with your spouse, if you're not
connecting on a daily basis, right, so I always tell my, the
couples I work with, you need daily connection, right? That
daily connection, where you meet up, what's going on what's
happening, you know, about their emotional state, you know, about
what problems they have, what stresses they have, I get
surprised when individuals they will tell me
that they haven't talked to their spouse for three weeks, three
weeks, and it's just unbelievable. That how this happens. So you stop
talking to your spouse, what's gonna happen, right? You're gonna
even if there's this, like, you know, there's a little bit of
distance, what happens over time, is that you feel like you're
living with a stranger, like this person, I don't even know them
anymore. Who are they? Because on a daily basis, we are changing. We
are evolving, right? We have new pressures, we have new goals, we
have new things that are happening in our lives. And if we're not
connecting and kind of like you know, connecting the dots sharing
and getting feedback, then we're gonna lose each other and when you
don't know who this person is, right? This is like getting
intimate with a stranger right? And if you don't have quality
time, and that's why that's so critical. And it is important to
find out what is you know, what are the love languages we know
about the five love languages and for many, many women it is quality
time right? And for men it's acts of service acts of service meaning
that all I'm going to work I'm providing I am you know, I got
your car fix. I you know, I did the I did the lawn I did the
whatever it is that you hung the pictures right
I am showing you I love you. Or it could be a man that says, You know
what? Acts of service I am providing I have opened up, you
know several clinics just to make more money so I can get you the
best vacations, the best homes. But what is that wife feeling on
loved? She feels unloved. I didn't want I didn't want the big house.
Well, I mean, it's nice, but I would prefer to have more time
with you, right? It's like, I want that connection. And many times
when that is not there, right? And the man can be baffled, right and
powerful. But I'm like giving her everything. I'm working 12 hours a
day, I've provided the best vacations the best home,
everything is top notch. What is she complaining about? It, it has
to do with? She's not getting your time, you are not asking about
her. You're not connecting. You're not showing empathy. How many
women how many of you watching feel like there's a lack of
empathy in your marriage? Just a show of hands? Just a little bit
of, you know, let's have a little feedback. So, you know,
individuals will not feel like they are completely alone. Right?
You find that? Most women are feeling like, you know, I just
don't feel I just don't feel understood. I don't feel like he
cares. I don't feel like they're showing there's any, any feelings
there? And how many men feel like, I work so hard. There's no
appreciation. It's as if like, Okay, fine. You worked. And
there's a there's a comedian. He actually talks about men's brain
versus woman's brain. I don't remember his name right now. But
it's so funny, because he talks about how we have a different
point system, right? We have a different point system, when a man
goes, and he works. And he puts in those, you know, eight to 10
hours, he gives himself 500 points, like I got 500 points,
right. But then what is the woman give to the man for working all
day? One point, right? And so what happens is that we have this
different, this different points system. And so there's a feeling
of not being loved, not feeling cared for not feeling appreciated.
And so when that happens, well, you know, you're not going to want
to be close to someone, you don't want to be intimate with someone
you're not close to. Right. So the showing of affection. It's so
amazing. What happens when couples start to show affection. Now,
something I tell, you know, I would tell you is that foreplay,
doesn't, doesn't begin five minutes before having physical
intimacy. It happens from the morning, it happens from how you
greet each other. It happens when you have the non sexual touch. It
is the caressing in our it is the hug is a compliment is that
quality time it's being there and saying, You know what, let me do
the dishes tonight, you're really tired. Let me put the kids to
sleep. Right. So all of that has to do with foreplay. And when when
a woman feels like oh my gosh, he's really he's, he is tuning
into me. He knows what you know what I what I need, he's there for
me, he's making my life easier, he's making me feel great, then
then the woman will open up to that to the intimacy now, for for
men. A lot of times, when they I have noticed that there are some
role reversals, there are some you know, with all that has happened
in our societies, and you find that many, many men are wanting
that emotional connection as much as the women, right. And I see
cases where the woman is not as interested, surprisingly, and
they're more into the act. So I'm seeing all lots of changes,
especially in this past decade. And you find that many men are
just like, you know, what, if if she's not showing an interest in
me, if she's not asking about my day, my work? I mean, I had one
client, he had to deal with, you know, he was a physician, and his
clients would they would die on him and he would get so he would
get so worked up and so sad. And you know, sometimes the women are
just completely disconnected. And I would say would you ever ask
about his work is like, No, I don't. I'm like, well, the man
needs to also feel appreciated, needs to feel respected. And when
he's respected and admired and appreciated, he is going to
naturally want to be intimate with you, right? So we got to look at
this relationship as like emotional deposit. When you make
emotional deposits. What ends up happening is that you open up it's
like, Oh, wow. Then what is it like? It's not
Like those individuals who met and they were courting, and there was
excitement and there was this friendship, right? When you have
that friendship, then you are open to the intimacy. So it's very
critical for us to make sure that we have that connection, that
emotional connection. Okay, so very quickly, the first one what
what was the first killer? The first killer was a lack of
positive association to intimacy, right? It's all that cultural
baggage, I would say cultural garbage, that has nothing to do
with the dean because we are told that you will be rewarded right?
At the Prophet sallallahu sallam said to the Sahaba, that you will
be rewarded when you do acts of intimacy, and they were surprised
like we're gonna be rewarded for this. It's like, yes, absolutely.
Because if you did it in the Haram, you would be punished, but
doing it in the halal and I have a joke with my, with my couples, and
I just say you know what it's like enjoy your halal meat, right? A
lot of times people are searching outside of their marriage, they're
trying to like, create that excitement, because it's just not
there at home. There's no flirting, there's no touching,
there's no interaction. So people get desperate, sadly, they get
desperate and the best of people, people who are religious, they're
my hardship as they are, you know, going to the mosque, they're doing
all that. If they are in a, you know, in a sexless marriage,
sadly, sadly, they may take route to just try to fulfill themselves.
And sometimes it's hard on ramps, right. So that was the baggage, we
know that we need to get rid of that cultural baggage. Second was
that lack of self esteem and body image, we got to work on
ourselves, we gotta, we gotta make sure that we feel good, we don't
have to be a certain size. And I'm not telling you to go out there
and you know, be look a certain way, but at least make effort to
be your best, right? As long as you're making some kind of effort,
then it is, you know, having this lack of friendship when you don't
have time together. And that is like something that I go in depth
about, like, how do you connect with your spouse? How do you make
them feel loved? How do you light them up? Have you ever woken up in
the morning and said, you know, what, how can I? How can I just
bring joy to my spouse? When I tell that to most people, they're
just like, why? Never thought about it? Right? But if you start
thinking about that, and thinking, you know, what were we doing
during our courting period? What was it that made us just like,
let's say very passionate for each other? Now, I know, there are some
people, maybe it was arranged marriage, maybe it was like, you
know, you didn't know the person. And it's like, you have to build
to it. And maybe it never existed. And I feel for you, I understand,
I know that a big population of the people I work with, it was a
range, it was, you know, oh, my, you know, our parents were
friends. And so this is a good match, right? And so, you may have
not experienced it in the past. But it is possible to experience
it now. Because once you start doing these things, so when I say
you know, let's recapture the courting period, and no, I didn't
really have a courting period, I know what you're talking about. I
wasn't in love. I wasn't even attracted. Right. So I get that.
But what I have seen is that when people start applying these
principles, when they start feeling good about themselves,
once they start making the emotional deposit, then what
happens is that the person will start opening up to it and they'll
start enjoying, they will have that friendship and they'll be
like, you know, what this person is actually, you know, they are my
source of comfort, they are my source of comfort. And this is how
a law intended marriage to be. Would you Alabang Netcom my word
that's on what Rama that Allah has put what between you that you
know, it is the mercy and compassion, right? And so it love,
love and compassion and mercy. So if you're not providing that for
your spouse, you're not fulfilling. You're not fulfilling
a you know, a commandment of like, what marriage is supposed to be
like does your spouse come to for for comfort? Does your spouse come
to you to feel a sense of relief? If you do that for your spouse, I
guarantee your physical intimacy will be better if you feel that
your spouse is there for you through the thick and thin A would
be like the Prophet salallahu Salam and a headteacher at the law
and her at the time when he was in such despair and devastation. He
didn't go to his other family members. He didn't go to his his
the Sahaba his friends, he went to his wife. He went to his wife
because she provided that support and I guarantee
If you provide that support to your spouse, if you're there like
that for your husband, if you were there like that for your wife, I
bet you that you're what we're shooting bed, right? I guarantee
that your marriage and your physical intimacy will be so much
more fulfilling, because that's the place you can be vulnerable
because it's the person that really gets you right. Now the
fourth and it's like, and it goes with this. So, first, we're
working on yourself, right? Second is that friendship? Third, what
something I had overlooked, is having that God consciousness,
right? When you're God conscious, you're not going to be, let's say
greedy. In physical intimacy, you're not going to be selfish,
you're going to be very God conscious and say, You know what?
I want to fulfill my spouse and have it as a means to getting
closer to Allah and earning Jana. Okay. And then it's, it's about,
you know, conflict resolution, the lack of conflict resolution is
what a lot of people, this is what gets them, right, because you
can't yell at your spouse during the day and then expect some
action at night, okay, it doesn't work that way. So when you're mad,
when you're sad, when you're neglected, when you're frustrated,
you're not going to want to be intimate, it's just common sense.
And it's surprising how people will not make that connection.
Okay? You just called him a loser. And then you want to be intimate
or you just yelled at her and said, You know, I don't care about
you or you're not attractive and then you want to be intimate,
doesn't work that way right. So you have to know how to resolve
your problems because look, problems are guaranteed, right?
Allah has promised us that he will test us well another Luhan Combi
che in mental health he will do anyone XM mental unworldly, well
foresee with Amara thought, were brushes saw bidding, Allah will
test you with loss with hunger, with all sorts of difficulties,
and Allah is giving glad tidings to the people who are patient. So
as life goes on, we are going to be tested, we're going to be
tested with our children with our money, with our relationships with
our marriage, and how you learn how to solve those problems. If
you don't get if you don't get it, if you don't know how to solve
problem, your marriage is going to suffer, it definitely is going to
suffer. So a good marriage is not one without conflict. It is one
who knows how to like if you know how to resolve the conflicts,
okay. So when you know how to resolve the conflict, and you have
an issue, and you're able to talk it through, and you get to a good
solution, right? You can want to be intimate with this person,
because it's not how can you expect your spouse who has just
been humiliated? Just been sometimes you've been physical
with them, okay? Not the good physical, right? It's like being
in a shaking your spouse or grabbing them or doing things like
that? How do you expect that person to become vulnerable to
you, and be intimate, right? It just doesn't make logical sense.
So we need to learn how to resolve those problems. And then the fifth
killer is a lack of safety. Right? When you don't feel emotionally
connected, when you don't feel safe, because a lot of times
safety you think, okay, physically like, Okay, someone that there's
no domestic violence, and May Allah help all of our, all the
people who are tuning in who may be suffering from this silently.
And I know there are women out there who are who are oppressed,
and there are men out there who are oppressed, and I and I pray
that Allah helps our brothers and sisters in those situations. And
the physical safety, that's one aspect of it, but there's also a
lack of emotional safety, right? It's this feeling of you're afraid
to be mocked, right? I had, I had some ladies told me that it would
they would dress up, the husband would just laugh at them, right?
Like how how degrading, right? You're making an attempt to
initiate to look good, and then the person mocks your body, right?
There might be this fear of rejection, like you're gonna take
that initiative, you're gonna put yourself on the line. And then the
person will be like, No, I don't want to write and it can go both
ways. It could be the woman it could be the man, what I'm seeing.
So many women suffer from not being sexually fulfilled, so many
of them and they are stuck because they can't really talk about and
that's why it's so amazing. What sister Nyima Roberts is doing in
having these very challenging conversations. I remember
Almost a decade ago, when I was first asked to talk about physical
intimacy took me one year of contemplation, doing a sahaja
talking to the shoe wondering, is this appropriate? Is this you
know, should we talk about it, and I got the green flag, yes, we need
this, because our marriages are suffering. And what I have seen is
that individuals, you know, the couples who they're in a *
starved marriage, they end up doing one of many things, it's
either they will, you know, they, they will cheat, and this happens,
or they will go a haram route, I don't even want to list all the
things that I have seen and hurts upon Allah. So what we need to do
is safeguard our marriage from infidelity. By having good
intimate relationship, it actually protects you from going into
haram. Okay. So that safety is making sure that you are not going
to be ridiculed, you're not going to be made fun of you're not going
to be rejected. Okay. And then it's about what is the next
killer, the lack of communication? You know, how many couples have
admitted that they never talked about intimacy? How do you expect
to be fulfilled? If you're not going to be giving any kind of
feedback if you don't talk about it, right? I mean, I have some
couples who actually can never get the message across that they are
interested, I have people who have to come up with code words. Now
I'm not, you know, if that's how it is, if you're that shy, and you
need to have that, as a method, I'm not knocking it, I actually
suggested to some people. And so some people will use, you know, I
would like some dessert tonight. And it's you know, it might be
surprising to you, but this is how it goes back to that the cultural
baggage, right? We shouldn't good good. Girls don't talk about this.
We shouldn't talk about a lot of men, if I'm embarrassed to talk
about it. Right? Well, I didn't know I thought you want I didn't
know you want it I wanted it's like so confusing. So it's a
matter of if you don't talk, how can you express to be expect to be
fulfilled? So I like to use an analogy. That is like, imagine if
a waiter comes to you and says, What would you like? And you're
like, guess, guess what? I mean? It's just It would be absurd,
right? And if you don't say, if you order, let's say the meal, and
you're very specific, the more specific you are, the more likely
it is that you'll get what you want. Right? So if you say, I
would like to have a steak medium rare, and I would like mashed
potatoes, a side of broccoli, I don't know, whatever it is, and
you order it, then guess what, it's more likely that you will get
it but if you're just like, oh, you know, I expect you to read my
mind, then we're going to be in trouble. Right? So another aspect
of this is the lack of education, right? Like that, that kills that
kills it? Because if you don't know, right, it's if you don't
know about intimacy, you are not giving the talk. I don't, you
know, I kid you not, I was giving a talk to the youth. And there
were about 100 of them like 50 Girls, 50, guys. And there was
such a misconception, right? A lot of the women, a lot of the girls
there were so overly protected. One the father even told them a
told her that if a guy touches you, that you will get pregnant
and sent her off to two public schools, right? And then there are
the guys and then they have seen and heard and done everything. So
you have like, this is just such a mismatch. And I literally had a
girl come up to us like I'm engaged, about to get married,
could you please give me the talk? Because I don't know. I don't know
what to do. I don't know what to expect. So you find that and a lot
of the men who have been exposed to *, they have very
unrealistic expectations. And they think that that is what you know,
a woman wants and it's, you know, the, the way I explained it to
them is kind of like someone watching a sci fi movie, and then
wanting to act out the sci fi movie, you know, it's just, it's
not accurate. And, and so it is so important to learn about intimacy,
you know, the way we're doing now, in from an Islamic perspective,
but a healthy Islamic perspective, not one that is jaded, not one
that is jaded. With all of this cultural baggage, we have to
realize that we got to rid ourselves of all of that negative
association. We got to feel good about who we are about ourselves
work on ourselves, right? And then make sure that we have that the
friendship, you know, you can't stop connecting
If your spouse, you can't stop caring, you can't think that you
can go through life with a person being their roommate, not sleeping
next to each other, not caring for each other not doing anything, and
then somehow magically have this like amazing, intimate
relationship, right? It's just not gonna happen. And if you don't
know how to resolve your conflict, if you go, and you're constantly
mad and frustrated, and sad, then what's going to happen is that
you're not going to want to be intimate, right? So we got to
build a safe haven, in our homes, the way Allah wanted for us to
have a place where we can put down our guards, we can be ourselves,
and we can feel comforted. We can feel loved, we can feel cared for,
we can feel that this is a place that I can just, you know, I can
be myself, and I'm going to be loved. And I'm going to be
accepted. And I'm going to be, you know, celebrate it. Imagine,
imagine being in a relationship like that, obviously, you're going
to want to be intimate with someone that really cares about
you and talk about it. I know, it's awkward, I know that there's
just that a lot of hangups and a lot of like taboo and i i love how
Sister Sister Nyima was saying she, you know, we're gonna talk
about intimacy, right. And I know it is a taboo, but we do need to
talk about it, we need to talk about as a community, we need to
talk about it with our spouse, if you don't talk about it, then
you're going to feel unfulfilled, right? Just remember, you can't
expect the waiter to guess what it is that you want to order,
specify. Okay? And, and then just, you know, we need to increase our
education, we need to do it in a, you know, in an Islamically
correct way, Inshallah, and I believe that, we need to have some
time for q&a. So I'm going to stop there and see
if Sr, Nyima if there are some questions that we need to answer,
just let me know in sha Allah, because I know that's what we had
discussed is to have like a little bit of time for the q&a. So please
let me know if there is oh, so here we go. Let me see in the
chat. All right. So even if a man does not instinctively feel the
desire to be empathetic, he should. He should think
strategically for the sake of having * that he should do this
daily soundboard exercise with his wife and practice active
listening. Is this correct? Yes. Even. Very good point. Okay. I'm
guessing this as a brother, okay. Yes, yes, yes. Okay. I was just
having a session yesterday, and the wife was complaining, oh, my,
my husband is not empathetic. I go, You know what I get it,
there's some people may not naturally be empathetic. And but
you learn to validate, validate the feelings, validating is not
the same as agreeing. Okay. So what I and women are really great
about this. And that's why we love talking to our girlfriends. We
talk about oh, like this happened to me, that happened. And then I
just like, oh, that must have been really painful. That must have
been so hard. Oh my god, right. And that's what we need. And it's
funny because, you know, as a counselor, I always I have my fix
that hat on. And I remember one of my girlfriends was talking about a
marriage issue that she had. And, you know, I was like, Okay, here's
what to do. 123. And this is like holiday, sometimes I just want to
vent.
So I'm like, okay, I get it. I'm just gonna sit and say how
terrible it is, or I feel bad for you. And that's, that's what it
is. And what are the things that, you know, my husband and I have
agreed to do? Because he always, you know, he has his hat fixed
that hat on, is that he'll ask he'll say, you know, do you want a
solution? And, you know, sometimes I want to say sometimes I don't
and sometimes I want to vet right? So let's see with the speaker,
please address the issue of men being seen as weak by their wives,
when they express vulnerability. Okay. Yeah, you know, I feel I
feel for the men because, you know, growing up, a lot of times,
they get mixed messages, right? So it's this, like, men don't cry and
be a big boy and you shouldn't show you know, stop crying and
stop sharing your feelings. And so they they have to kind of build
this armor, right? And then they go into a relationship. And
they're expected to be, uh, you know, very, very vulnerable,
right? And so it's hard so some men will just like not have it in
them to be expressive now, your situation
Is that when you are expressing yourself and being vulnerable, a
woman might see it as weakness? Well, I see it as, as a huge
source of strength when you are in touch with your feelings, but you
have to make sure you have to make sure that it doesn't, you know, go
to the other extreme, right? Because what I've seen is that
some men, you know, they are expressing themselves and they
are, you know, they're expressing themselves, they're sharing, which
is good, a healthy amount, right. But sometimes if it gets
excessive, some of my clients will say, you know, I feel like, I feel
like he doesn't act as as manly like, I want a leader, I want
someone, so you have to be very careful in balancing it out. You
want the strength, you want her to feel like, you know, she can rely
on you, you're strong and reliable and a leader, but at the same time
you show emotions. But if it's all about the emotions, and not enough
of the leadership, that's where it can go wrong. All right, let's
see. What else sister will you be covering how men have been through
childhood sexual abuse?
Later have intimacy issues, yet refuse to get therapy? How does a
wife tackle this? How does the wife tackle this? The earlier talk
brother Gabriel said * is haram. Now in a situation like
this, what is a sister to do, I'm sorry to hear that it. You know,
sexual abuse has a profound impact on, you know, on the person who
experiences that it can do one of two things. One, it can make the
person be extremely promiscuous, where, you know, I've had, I've
had clients who have been molested, and then so it makes
them and makes them actually
go outside of the marriage to have multiple partners. And so they
become very promiscuous because they were exposed to this at an
early stage in their lives, or it makes them disgusted, right? So I
have some clients that they don't, they don't even want to kiss, they
don't want to be touched every time they you know, they're
touched, you know, they cringe, they cringe. And so
if you, you know, as, as the woman, you're feeling that your
husband has gone through sexual abuse, and it's like, you know,
he's not addressing it, this is something that if it is really
critical for all of you, who are listening to this, and you've gone
through sexual abuse, don't think this is something Oh, I was five,
or I was 10. It doesn't, it doesn't matter. And if you're
struggling, right, because some people have that experience, and
then they overcome it, right? Because they worked on themselves,
they studied about it or whatever, they got counseling, right. But
other times you find that if you're having problems in your
marriage, and it's you know, it's intense, you need to get help and
you are able to get over it. Now for the woman who is saying, What
is she to do? You know, I'm not here to give any kind of fat was I
know that I did a
I did a segment with with a chef and they in their differences of
opinion and that's not my area to say what is halal or what is not
what I have known is that if it prevents you from the Haram then
then that is permissible not as like you know, pastime but as a
way of protecting yourself from going into the hot arm. So I pray
that Allah eases your situation. Are there any other questions?
Would?
Okay, I is that are there any other questions that we can
address?
So I want a call Monica, my sister does like a local hair for such a
wonderfully comprehensive talk. Mashallah, I've actually got some
questions here in the q&a. Have you had a chance to see them?
I see. I addressed the ones that I saw. Okay.
But oh, is it Are there more? Let me just scroll down. There's lots.
Lots, okay. Where, Why is this not moving? Let me see. Could you read
them to me? No, that's no problem. So here, this person said even if
a man does not instinctively feel the desire to be empathetic, he
should think strategically for the sake of having *, so that he
should do this daily soundboard exercise with his wife and
practice active listening. Is this correct? Yes, yes, it is correct.
And I did address it. I read this one. And I was talking about how
many men may lack that empathy. But if you do, if you do want to
have that intimate relationship, you do need to sit, listen, make
those emotional.
No deposits, whether you're like really feeling it or not, but it
really makes a difference when, when a woman feels heard and cared
for, she will open up physically, Mashallah. And this is exactly the
advice that we've been getting really across the board from
everyone. So those who are listening, please
take take heed, and Sister, please, can you let everyone know
where they can find you and what you have available for them? I
know you have so many amazing programs, Mashallah. And ways in
which you can help, you know, great variety of people, please do
tell us Inshallah, before we finish up? Sure, well, if you go
to holep unani.com. And if you can spell out my name, not everyone
mean, know how to spell it, but Holla banani.com. Under courses, I
have the marriage programs, which is five pillars of marriage, it's
very comprehensive, it'll give you all the it'll give you all the
tools
and the weapon, okay, so there are free material, my husband is
reminding me to give some of the, you know, just something as a gift
to all the listeners. So there's a webinar so as Hala banani.com
forward slash, free class, okay, free class. And that will
definitely give you a lot of tools help you along the way, right. And
then I have the mentorship program, which is the mindful
Hearts Academy that will rebuild you right, you know, what I talked
about as far as your self esteem feeling good about yourself. So
that mentorship program will definitely it'll transform the way
you feel about yourself so that you can just you can celebrate who
you are, and it will affect your spouse. And the premarital program
that I have with Baba Ali, which is called laugh and learn. And so
that one for those of you I know it's marriage season, and you want
to give a gift I really it's the best gift you can give is the you
know the gift of having a good marriage. So many people spend on
their on their wedding but not on their marriage. So in sha Allah, I
would be so happy and honored to be able to help you in this
journey. And if you're at the end of your rope, I always say give it
one last try in sha Allah. Oh my gosh, I absolutely love that. And
yes guys, that is an idea for the wedding season. Instead of giving
people more sets of plates of which they will have many why not
get them one of these amazing courses in Sharla so they can
truly invest in their marriage but in the law, just like hello hello
my dear sister as always is wonderful to have you we will send
your details out to the list and everybody who signed up in sha
Allah please please please we make dua for you and your family and
your whole household for Allah subhanaw taala to accept your
deeds and to allow you to continue to benefit the OMA. We love you We
appreciate you and inshallah we will see you again. Did you wait
yeah, I can just like a life errand for having me on and I
really admire the work that you're doing as sr 90 Ma Ma sha Allah,
I'm cheering for you anytime I see a new program and you are really,
really exerting yourself as such an example and setting up this
course but specifically this discussion about intimacy is so
powerful and so needed and you can imagine how much it will impact
you know the lives of so many people you probably can't imagine
that's what you're doing.
That's what we're hoping for CES design, and everybody else Good
night. We will see you again tomorrow inshallah we have some
more wonderful sessions coming up. Please don't forget to upgrade for
VIP if you want SR and Isa kissoon Private workshop. Sacred
seduction, you know you don't want to miss it. We'll see you on the
other side in sha Allah is located on Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi
Wabarakatuh