Naima B. Robert – Secrets of Successful Wives conference What Do Muslim Men Want
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the importance of women in society, particularly in regards to marriage. They share their past experiences with premarital masterclass programs and desire to get married again. They also discuss the challenges of single marriages and the importance of finding a partner who is compatible with their values and interests. The speakers stress the need for men to have respect for women and be loved and respected, as it is crucial for finding a marriage partner. They also emphasize the importance of understanding one's emotions and behavior in order to regulate them and avoid mistakes. The potential for a webinar is also mentioned.
AI: Summary ©
Bismillah wa salatu salam ala Rasulillah Salam alaykum
Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh. Welcome to the final panel in the
secrets of successful wives conference. This is our very first
all male panel for the weekend. And one of the things that I have
been very heartened by is how much of a positive space this has been
over the past three days. Even when we've been discussing
typically difficult issues such as polygyny, such as divorce such as
custody, we, our sisters have managed to maintain a marriage
positive space. And I think that that's the way forward for us as
Muslims, the understanding that the Muslim sisters need them, some
brothers and the brothers need the sisters, we need men to be men
need women to be women. And all of us need to become more grounded,
stronger, you know, more focused on Africa, more committed to what
we're here to do. And be in the law, if we can, as individuals
risk one of us enact that and do that, in sha Allah, we will start
to build much stronger homes, much stronger families, and inshallah
this will impact the next generation. So the reason I
brought a panel of men, which was a subject of great controversy,
when we started advertising it, Mashallah. Because people felt why
are we asking men? You know, why are the men got to do with this,
this is a women's conference, you know, what's, you know, we tired
of listening to men, and I specifically knew that certain
elements in the community would feel that way. But I think that we
are all now on the same page with regards to the fact that this work
of building a strong marriage or even the work of being a good
wife, is not possible without the input of men. Because, you know,
if a wife is providing a service, it is to someone, right? If a wife
is performing a role, it is in relation to someone and that
someone is a husband, and that husband happens to be a man. So I
thought that it would be a good idea to have brothers from
different backgrounds, different ages, different parts of the
world, to really, I guess, come in school are sisters. So the
question that I put to the panel, which is, you know, really, I just
want you to guys to just run with it. Firstly, I'd love for you to
just introduce yourself, tell us your name, maybe your marital
status, age, whatever. And that's it. We that's all you only hear
that we want to know about, you know, your your perspective, as
you know, prospective Husband, husband, ex husband, whatever it
is.
And then the the central question really is, what do Muslim men
want? What do husbands or prospective husbands wish that
wives knew? And that is all that we're going to talk about today.
So Inshallah, I'll hand over to you to just introduce yourselves
and then
take it away. Insha Allah, just clock in and say, Mr. Layton,
thank you very much, everyone. Welcome to the panel, Alico Salam
where
Allah
Thank you very much for inviting us.
Zak Kamala Harris, just an
amazing program here. And it's a pleasure to be involved. And thank
you so much for doing this program as well.
I'm
so excited to share so my name is because I'm gonna top right hand
corner I want to start from the beginning. So my name is Mara
Tucker.
I graduate from the University of Medina 2008. And what is relevant
to this discussion is that I got married pretty much my second
year, so I became Muslim. So I became Muslim in 1997 98. And I
became one I got married about a year and a half after that, in I
think, 99. And I've been married to the same woman since then. So
now it's like as our 20 years, and Father eight kids Alhamdulillah.
I've been dealing with a lot of marital issues
over the decades. Sounds weird, seen over decades along the old
path
and the humble line. Hopefully, I'll be able to add some value to
this discussion to Charlotte and given people and the C hen advice
about how to, I guess what to expect for those who are not
married or what to expect in a marriage and how to keep on
when you're in one. And also, I guess recognize that not every
marriage is worth keeping. I guess that's also something to be aware
of.
That's as much my my Kadima. So the guy to my right, is Muhammad
Maddox in government publishes a lot of cattle. So, hey, I colonics
so Slava, liquid slobberknocker talks about I'm doing a little
slow to slow my laughs were less so my name is Muhammad Malik.
Essentially, I'm a my full time is
working in startups, right. So but I also have, I'm a co founder of a
summit education company. The focus is really those people that
are struggling with the dean, you know, trying to get productive,
productive and try to be a bridge insha Allah to the Allamah and
the, you know, classical scholars Insha Allah, and yeah, focusing on
those strugglers and seekers in China and I don't know where to
go, and through Instagram and other places we engage them. And I
guess my experience in terms of the you know, the context of this
conference, may Allah Subhana Allah reward you all, for
attending and taking the active effort in order to establish what
I believe is handler each brick of this OMA is a nuclear family.
That's what that's what my belief is. And so I've tried to
strengthen that brick Shala for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala
will result in a much stronger OMA Viet Allah to Allah. And my
experience, essentially, I was married many years ago, maybe 2014
to the 14 or about 2014 and palaces and I've been I've been
single, I'm currently single. And I've been on the look as a single
brother that's been on the look for about a year and a half on and
off. And a lot of surprising things that I've come across
Subhanallah that inshallah maybe we can I elaborate on that is
almost an AI into the current state of Muslim sisters, right,
and particularly Muslims as well and in general.
And so one thing you know, I think, what the most succinct
thing that I've come across, right, in terms of what do men
want is a dua from one of the side of the pious predecessors. His
name was Mohammed, Al Hussein, and he made the DUA, Hola. Hola. Hola.
Hola. Hola. Hola. Mirzakhani Murata and so so Ronnie, even as
somebody that I look at, and I feel sorry for a few consentement
what to do any either a mark to somebody that I you know, tell
tell tell them to do something and they do it. What's funny either to
somebody that would look after my rights when I'm not there. So that
was one. One thing I wanted to inshallah say as well in the
latter
part of Africa Coleman who's next Michelle, whoever wants to jump in
in terms of the introduction, please feel free to
Assalamu alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh.
My name is Eid, Takoma married to Merriam layman. We've been married
since 1991. We celebrated our 30th anniversary, September last year.
We've been blessed with two boys. Both university level right now
they're all in school. My mom and I have been into counseling, my
husbands and wives for over 20 years. And the demand got so high.
We couldn't continue on a one on one basis, especially premarital
counseling. And that led us to come up with the idea of
establishing the premarital masterclass under the Merriam
Limor major Academy. And that's been going on. And since it was
established, I think we've had over 16,000 people who have
registered for the program Alhamdulillah we are working to
break it down to local languages and to broadcast it on radio
across the country. We have had participants from all over the
world. And our main goal objective is to see how we can impart our 30
years experience going up and going through the peaks and
valleys you know the minefields and so on and so forth, and help
marriage couples newlyweds to avoid what we went through,
hopefully much sooner than we did. It took us six years to find a
solution. We got my 91 and that led us to hold enough even having
started a family until 1997. So that's why we am here today. I
thank Mr. Robert Roberts for coming up with this program. And
Inshallah, by the time we're done with all the brothers in this
panel, we'll be able to impart a lot of information, a lot of
knowledge and wisdom to the brothers and sisters out there to
help build stronger families more stable homes and hopefully bring
down the level of numbers of divorce Shala Thank you very much
for having me.
So if I can where I'm from we say beauty before age, so I have to
let my brother Dean go before me.
That's very carried. I said, Well, you never know I might be a lot
older than you
is clear.
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Just like the last
system name or for the for the opportunity to to address the
conference and it's great to be with with peers. What were the
Mohammed Malik what you were saying earlier is is very very
true and that's what everybody wants every every human men women
and I'm sure it's the same with with all of God's creation is that
is a circle.
When is the peace within within within our hearts? My name is
Adeem Yunus and I'm the I'm the founder of dating app, previously
a website called single muslim.com. And 109 this year
2022, we've been going for 22 years as well we set up we set up
in 1999 2000. So that was in the dial of age. And I guess the
reason I set up the website was from for myself
a little later, kind of realize that it was something that was in
denial with for many, many years. But you know, they said the
necessity that is the mother of all actions, and I was in need to
find a wife. A lot of my peers at that age, were going back to what
their what was their family homes, their kind of country of origins,
for example, Pakistan, Bangladesh, India, whatever, it wasn't having
arranged marriages back in 2000 to 2005. So it was it was a need of
the whole generation. So my experience today's is from myself,
but also from the nearly 4 million members that we have on the
website, over 100 100,000 managers that we have as well. I myself
found success on single muslim.com I was married for 13 years for
hamdulillah four beautiful children and yeah, so inshallah
we'll be parting some of my my kind of experiences as well. So I
don't know if you're if Muhammad Malik if you're still looking to
get get yourself on single Muslim men. We need some very articulate
and good looking really like yourself on there. Zack, a
Lafayette, I forgot to mention in my introduction that currently, my
face is on a boob and on billboards across London and
Manchester in Birmingham. I find Malika weft.com That's that's one
of the major things I forgot to mention. So yeah, that's one of
the tongue in cheek things I'm currently doing as a single turn
and shut up. I tried to make it tried to spread my net as much as
possible. So inside to check out fine. Mallika, web.com. Let's meet
Malik Malik is off on the wife
this is your moment.
Moment. Okay, you've been been told now he's dropped it handed
in.
He's on Billboard's He's famous.
So let's see. I mean, I am a behavioral coach, cognitive
behavioral coach. My background is in social work in psychology,
graduated from Columbia University in New York. And I work with
Muslims and UK, US and
and the states as well states UK kilij. Yeah.
Mainly mainly sisters, actually. So 95% of my client base are
Muslim sisters, I tell a joke, which is something I think that
if we have time, we can elaborate on his brothers, that
when sisters since smoke, they get help. But when brothers we wait
until the remote that we have in our hand is on fire before we get
help, right. And so that has been the reality with the work that I
do. Hyundai Hyundai that are presently married, previous, maybe
something else.
Another experience that I've introduced, handy land a beautiful
marriage right now, previously married for two years.
And I made a conscious decision at the beginning of that marriage,
once I realized that it was Rocky, I made a very conscious emotional
decision to not have children. And that's a part that I would mention
to all brothers and sisters, when you get into the beginning of a
marriage.
Have yourself grounded emotionally, and mentally so that
you can make a sound decision on winter.
Right? And just the status of the marriage, right?
And hamdulillah Hello, wonderful sister. It just wasn't a good fit.
May Allah reward her wherever she does, what's going on. But
hamdulillah a few years later, got remarried, and Hamdulillah.
I took those lessons learned
into my next vetting process.
And was very and so my brother Muhammad, you don't need to hit it
from me. But if I can impart this to my brother, because you won't
be able to go and see. I mean, I just I don't know if you're gonna
get one at a time or two. But we won't go there right now because
we just this isn't a chat. But what I will say is one of the
things that I was very adamant about is I took the time out of my
divorce to process that and I adjusted my vetting process and
was very clear about what I wanted. And I was not willing to
venture from my standard. And so two things that
We're clear is, I was very adamant with my wife to make sure that she
wasn't trying to lead. I told myself I'm not getting married to
any woman that wants to lead. And I repeatedly asked that question.
Are you trying to run it wear the pants? Are you trying to be the
pilot of this thing? Are you willing to get on this program
that I have, if not handy, not great system, but you're not for
me. And another thing subcategory of that is homeschooling.
Personally, I'm an advocate of homeschooling. I did not want a
woman in my life that wasn't willing to leave her career once
children came in the equation. I attribute that to the thing that,
for me is the most important thing. And I'm biased as someone
who's trained in psychology, but I think that happened because of
being grounded emotionally. Right? I didn't make any emotional
decision when it came to getting married. I made a logic logical
decision. It wasn't it wasn't that emotion wasn't there. But it was
balanced. Right? I led with logic not with emotion. So
my brother Muhammad, you don't need it. But I hope that two cents
help and anybody else in the chat I hope that helps. So I think I
described or explained who I am.
I hope
Yeah, I'm happy with that just like an arcade and everybody I
think we've got a feel for the room. So let's let's dive into the
nameless you okay with it. And we're good. Have dinner. Yeah.
hamdulillah Hamdulillah. Now, the really the we've talked a lot this
weekend, about how to be a wife, how to be with your husband, how
to charm your husband, you know, how to resolve difficulties with
your husband, you know, we've talked about submission, we've
talked about leadership, we've talked about roles, we've actually
had some really honest conversations. And I'm grateful,
so grateful that my sisters got to see examples of women mashallah
who are in the public eye, who are on social media, we know who they
are, Mashallah. And we admire them, they're very successful,
they're working in the community, they're doing fantastic work, but
to hear those sisters explain the dynamics of their home and how
they are with their husband and the respect that they give him and
just the way that they are as wives I think was so important
because no one will know unless you tell them you know, all they
see is you famous and everyone can see you and doing well and
everything like that and there's a man somewhere in the background,
but to hear those same women actually breaking it down for the
sisters and being very humble and and and really just saying to the
sisters No, no, no look in my home. This is how it is. And I
love to to cook I love to ask my husband's opinion, you know, just
things that are not common in today's society. So I think that
we were really blessed to get that that viewpoint from the sisters,
but I want to turn it now it's your guys's turn to really just
let's start talking about you know, what is it that you know, a
Muslim husband is looking for from his wife? What do you wish more
women knew that their husband needs from them or wants from
them? Because that's the that is the the crux of this conversation.
Salaam Alaikum sister Naima, it's okay. If I start ease. Yes. Okay.
Just a little bit about my background. I am a product of a
polygamy. And through the years of my father's in his life, he has
been he was married to about seven different women. I grew up in what
one would describe another very stable, polygamous experience. I
witnessed divorces witnessed fights between the wives. And from
an early age, I started asking myself what kind of a family I
would like to have. I certainly didn't want to re experience what
I saw growing up of Hamdulillah. I also happen to have had to have
had a father who was liberal. And he invited
questions from us. I was curious now to ask him certain
relationships he's had with his relationship, how he's related to
some of his wives, all of his wives, actually. And I was
curious, and I would ask, is that religious or is that culture and
tradition? My father was very humble, very honest. And he would
just smile and say, Son, that is tradition, or that is culture. And
we'll ask him, Is that acceptable?
He would correctly say, No, it is. So
and I will go ahead and say You don't expect me to do the same
thing. And he'll say no, do not do what I did. So very early in my
life, I was taught about the fallibility of human beings. My
father never had the power distance relationship that is
common in our society at those periods. So and I understood that
he wasn't perfect, and he made mistakes.
Very early on, I was also a mediator, I would intervene when
the wives were fighting, because I had the benefit of being taken
away from my biological mother, and was raised by my stepmother
who was at the time unable to have a child. So I had a bond with my
biological mother and I had a bond with my stepfather. So I'll be
going in between not just between the two of them between any four
wives that will present at the time. So earlier on, it was about
asking the right questions, as how do I go about having a good
family? How do I get the right wife. And what that led me to is
actually, what is marriage.
Because what I grew up, seeing, I didn't find it
as acceptable.
The women were very open with me. And I discussed this with Sister
Naima, they would call me aside and tell and complain about what
is wrong with the match as the eldest child of a family of 26
kids. So not only was I, the eldest, looking after the kids,
the younger ones, the siblings and making sure they behave
accordingly, I will also the one putting out the fire when there
was a disagreement between the husband and the wife and even
between the wives themselves. So that got me very, very curious as
to asking the questions that would make that would protect me over
guarantee that I don't have a repeat of what I witnessed growing
up. And, you know, marriage is about to unique individuals coming
together, to complement each other people who will God conscious God
fearing and guiding and encouraging each other, to get
closer to Allah. Now, if Allah is first in everything that we do,
what I told myself is that let those guiding principles are
stipulated in the Holy Quran. And according to sunnah Prophet
Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, on how husbands and wives ought to
relate. I need to be knowledgeable about that. And I started studying
that pretty early now in northern Nigeria. And the reason why this
is particularly important, is this a name that you're raising this is
women are not really held in high regard. They are relegated to
almost second class citizens
without voice without even know presence. They're not consulted.
Even when one man is getting married to a second or third wife,
he doesn't matter. No, she may be find out the day off. And when you
study those guidelines and stipulations, when as soon as
Alison said the best among the others who are best to their
wives, and and the best amongst you, you start to realize it's not
about me, being the man, no, yes, we are a degree above them. But as
we'll also talk about kindness, and he talked about the blessings
in smiling, even to a stranger to a neighbor, you know, and when men
don't take all that into consideration, and when we're Sula
also said the best charity is the one one does in the home of taking
care of his wife and family.
That got me thinking.
And then that got me studying. And I remember when I was caught in
Mariam,
between 1988 and 1990, which was when I first saw her, we caught it
for three years.
The first thing I did was teaching Mary about her rights and
responsibilities that tends to freak people out. When you teach
about the rights and responsibilities well, like when
you do that, and you are both knowledgeable in the deed,
the blessings, the rewards that one gets from the wife are
immeasurable. So the other thing is, to grow together as husband
and wife, to elevate the woman to where you are, to be able to have
a conversation, intellectual conversation with the woman that
you're married to, to plan your future together to be the
cheerleader to be the most supportive husband you could
possibly be in all ramifications.
So the the real question to me about what we want is, do we know
what we want? That's number one. Number two, is it what we want or
what we should want?
There is a difference. If one is culturally bent to replicate what
they grew up with not following the guidelines as stipulated in
the Quran, sunnah Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, then there's
going to be a problem.
Because marriage, as we all know, is not an obligation, right? It's
highly encouraged sunnah. But the moment one embarks into it, and
gets into it. Now fulfilling those rights and responsibilities
becomes an obligation. And the fear that a lot of people have
that okay, you might be given the women a lot of rights, and they
may be demanding their rights. While it doesn't happen. And
educated woman who understands the benefits, the rewards in following
the husband as the leader and given as much as she can, in
supporting that husband, will never be the one to question the
husband about her rights, because they're already being given to her
by the husband, the husband is knowledgeable, understands the
importance of it, and understands that that relationship, getting
that relationship right is an act of ibadah. It's not a buffet. It's
about picking and choosing what you want or what you don't want,
fulfilling those rights and obligation on both the husband and
the wife. And I felt it was my responsibility not only to know,
but to educate my wife in understanding those rights and
responsibilities. I don't recall in the 30 years plus, that moment
I've been married, she's ever once asked me
to fulfill a right of hers, she could gently remind me because of
her fear, not to offend Allah. So that to me, are the qualities that
I want but what I want is based on what I'm expected, to, to want
from my wife, based on those teachings of Allah, Allah Rasool
allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and that's my guidance, not
culture, not tradition. And like I said, my background was highly
influential in pushing me along those lines. So I'm considered a
bit of an, I wouldn't say, an aberration may be in our culture,
because I don't follow tradition. The only tradition I follow is one
that reinforces the faith, anything that deviates,
that also in any way derives or affects the rights of the wife,
that limits her rights in any way, shape, or form I run away from
because ultimately, whether I impress the family, the friends,
or whoever, I will answer to Allah. And as long as we both
recognized that fulfilling those rights, I don't have to demand
them. But I am just fulfilling those responsibilities fulfilling
given making sure I live up to those responsibilities. We do it
correctly and that's when my brother mentioned being garments
being suitable for each other. My wife and I constantly looking at
to make sure we do not offend Allah. Allah is first in
everything that we do. And whatever my demands or
requirements or desires are, we make sure we stay within the
bounds of what is allowed what is permissible. That's all I have to
say right this moment and they add some more later ation. There's a
lot of hidden okay, I've been made a host because it's obviously you
know, in Egypt, the weather isn't that great? I think just the name
I might have dropped off but there's like a little homeless
Pamela that lived experience that you have at Eastside it's
incredible to come with that Masha Allah so many you felt it
firsthand right with this polygamous arrangement I'm Asha
Allah may Allah subhanaw taala continue to strengthen your
relationship based on Allah I remember this this diagram
beautiful diagram of a triangle at the very top of Allah subhanaw
taala and on the sides are the rights of the husband and the wife
and the closer they are to Allah subhanaw taala the closer they are
together and one thing I want to mention I want to ask per
diem if possible, right succinctly if you can Inshallah, what is what
are those things and what are those things from your own
experience? And from you know, maybe some of the anecdotal
experiences of those people that Masha Allah have mapped you've
been matched together through single Muslim?
It would be great to hear from you. Diem if possible in sha
Allah, what are those anecdotes from your selfish Allah? What are
the key traits in a woman to look for? Well, the man like I can't
get over the fact that you're on Billboard's around the country. I
cannot get over
the most random website was desperate.
Desperate desperation you take the biscuit you taking the biscuit in
a good way. Well, I give you everything and more
issue from me, I think Brother side that that was that was
amazing in terms of your, your lived experiences what Brother
Malik said, I think it's phenomenal your experience and
what you've done and how you you took the mantle and how you took
the reins. And, you know, mashallah, you You seem very,
very, very wise, kind of from a young age. And I'd like to just
kind of touch upon the point of what you said earlier in terms of
what brothers want and what brothers need. You know, I think
what we want, everybody wants beauty, everybody wants somebody
who's gonna be stunning, be amazing, be gorgeous, you know,
just be like, Wow, oh, my God, you know, like, and, you know, be able
to talk well, and be able to be nice to us. Well, what we what we
need as humans, and what we often see, again, you know, from my
experience of personal experience, as well as that of, of the
countless 1000s of people that have been married, and, you know,
100,000 people have come together from the website, is that, you
know, we men need somebody's stabilizers as well. You know, men
need somebody who's gonna challenges men, men need somebody
who's gonna really kind of, you know, talk to us in a way of
keeping them keeping us grounded, you know, question as an Santos,
you know, where have you been? have you actually been there? Have
you not been there, and taking those responsibilities as well,
you know, like, if you, if you have too much of a freedom or too
much of an open relationship, then it seems to be like, you're not,
you're not interdependent, you're kind of independent, and if you're
independent, you live in your own life. That's not the way it's
supposed to be either. You know, like you said, you know, it's far
too often uses garments, but what does that actually mean? As
garments, you know, you've got to, you've got to think about that,
and you've got to really believe that, and, and I think
Alhamdulillah, again, you know, like Muslims, again, the
experience from the business perspective is that Muslims are,
whatever they do, however liberal They are, however, you know, they
might be whatever they might be doing, in when they come back, and
that they have that we all, you know, we all have, that God
feeding us inside is, and we want to, you know, do the best that we
can for this world, and the world and the Hereafter. And we all want
that kind of, you know, sukoon, as you mentioned, Malik earlier, and
we all want, you know, we want, we want what's good for us in both
lives. And I find that a lot of people, regardless of their faith,
or regardless of how, how practicing they are, when it comes
to finding the marriage partner, Muslims will come back and what
wants somebody who was was Muslim, you know, people do want people
who have got the same interests where you can, they can take
comments where you can, they can, you know, they can take the agenda
with him, or who can guide them to general. And that's something that
we often hear. And that's different, that interpretation is
different to different people. And what that means, but I think, you
know, ultimately, we what we do want, I think what what I what
I've always wanted, I think what I feel that, you know, we want
somebody who we can, and you very, very well articulated earlier,
somebody we can trust with our possessions when I'm when we're
not there, somebody can love us, somebody can support us, somebody
who can feed us somebody can massage or somebody can treat us
like babies just care for us, really. And I think you know,
what, you know, going back to my earlier self and kind of like
earlier experiences of, you know, sticking together and keep getting
married, I think is maybe it's because they're on a dating Muslim
dating website. I don't know. But getting married is easy. For me, I
think it's very, very easy, you know, finding somebody who's
compatible, I've got the roundabout compatibilities and
getting married, boom, you know, we're staying married is a
challenging part. Staying marriages is challenging your
part. And I think all human beings, no matter who we are, all
human beings need respect. You know, we just want to feel
respect, and we want to feel loved. I mean, the main thing, you
know, men want to feel it that respect, of course, we want love,
but women want to feel more loved. And from my perspective, of
course, they want to be respected as well. We're in this dunya
together. So yes, it's for the individuals. But it's about the
bigger picture as well, how you how you make somebody feel with
their parents, how do you make somebody feel in that environment
as a, as a sister, as a daughter, as a friend, you know, so that you
want to be comfortable and be able to be the best version of
themselves. And same with the guys, you know, you you're able
to, you know, if you're if you're dedicated to as, as entrepreneurs,
fellow entrepreneurs, Malik, you know, you want to be able to do
your entrepreneurial thing, but you want to be able to, you know,
I think, you know, you want to be able to steal that person's heart
as well. And how do you steal that person's heart, you know, by being
good to them, and making making somebody, like, I want you I want
to, I want you to be my interest, I want you to be my thing. I want
to be at work and I want to be thinking I want to go home, I
desperately want to go home without peace and comfort and love
and when I'm at home I just think you know I want Allah to I would
like this to be forever I know it's not going to be forever but I
just you know ya Allah can this be forever? So you know, again, it
goes back to just just basics about just just being happiness
it's been peaceful and being tranquil and I think that's,
that's the key. If you have that and you have that inside you
even if you have a small bit of that inside you you're gonna keep
going back then you want to go back then you're attracted to that
and you'll fight for it. It's just when you don't have that. They
think you know he's
Is it worth it? Is it even worth my time? So that's Yeah.
There was
your
apologies that was not
you know, there were a few moments. Sorry. There was a few
moments there. Were there was almost a trigger response from me
right when you said to be challenged, I thought the first
thing came to my mind was perhaps the most attractive trait that
I've come across a woman during courting and over the last year
when speaking to a woman, potentially even those sisters who
I wouldn't be attracted to who maybe a little out of shape, maybe
older than me, the most attractive thing is agreeableness, how to
look like a natural agreeableness that comes best by your aura, the
fact that they can see that this is a man, this is a person who has
maybe Insha Allah, Allah subhanaw taala allows me to be this person,
a person of his word, and they would know they would immediately
have this softness to them, right. And in but then you mentioned
stabilize, and I liked that word with the groundedness. And then
also had an immediate response to when you said, Men, treat your men
like a baby. I said Subhanallah This is the opposite of what we
are parked. Hanalei is true, right? We saw her Salam would put
his his head on the lap of his, his wives, our mothers panela and
in a way that nurturing that caring thing, it's almost like a
motherly, motherly trait. Inshallah. Brother, we're an asset
in terms of this in the leadership quality that you mentioned, right,
somebody that doesn't lead, where's the balance there, then as
as brother Dean mentioned, to be challenged, to challenge the man.
But then then there's the other aspects of not leading. Right, so
where's that balance? Vanessa, if you don't mind? Oh, and anybody
that inshallah would like to jump in? So so so I have a brief
comment, and then I'll adjust the other point.
So I think the good thing about this is you have a number of
different brothers that have a number of different perspectives.
I don't want to be challenged, period. I mean, internally
challenged with the heaviness of the responsibility of I have to be
the leader of this thing. And if it goes wrong, if this sink, I
mean, if this ship sinks,
it's on me. Like all accountability is on me, however,
a green with my beautiful brother, a dean, like I have brothers who
want that, that kind of that dance, that challenge, right? So I
just, that's just not me, person, that's just me. I'm a brother word
that I have a plan. I need to have tunnel vision. I need you to just
get on board, you play your role. But let me do this. And the other
part about for me when it's about not being challenged is
I'm trusting myself enough in the vetting process that I am going to
ask my my wife questions because I believe that I made the right
decision that she's smart enough, she's savvy enough to give me
those thoughts that maybe I didn't come up with. But I it was a
question that was posed the other day in a group where it says how
do you know you want an argument? And my response is
I don't entertain arguments. And this this it doesn't need to be an
argument. If you both are respecting each other. There's
disagreements there's discussions for sure.
But arguments that's just not acceptable. I don't give my time
or attention or energy to arguments and I can say in my
marriage hamdulillah I'm going to mashallah haven't had one.
It I can honestly say mashallah, mashallah I prayed a lot in
continuous. I haven't had a disagreement with my wife, that
I'm ashamed that my daughter saw, not one. And that's because
Navitas a testament to me and my wife as well, that we both keep
this first thing for in the forefront. We're both servants of
Allah, there's a certain amount of respect, diction tone is going to
happen. So that segues me into for me that the answer to the other
part
what I myself circle
what we want sisters to know is know your baggage
know the baggage that you bring in in this marriage
baggage what I say just very briefly so I can be concise as I
look at baggage two ways check in baggage carry on baggage right?
Carry on baggage is it's like you can maneuver move through the
airport with ease and actually get man can carry both his and yours
the following means it's not a thing you could he'll even be the
gentleman for you be suave, have be dapper and put it up for you in
the overhead for you.
That's the carry on. The check in weighs down to playing it
Heavy, it's embarrassing. You got to go through it if you overpack.
You didn't put any time or attention into it, you just stuff
that you were hasty.
You were acting off of the emotion of, I want to get on this flight,
I'm gonna go to a Ruby Montego Bay or wherever you go, I don't know,
wherever. So the difference is checking baggage versus carry on
baggage. Know what you're carrying into this relationship, and
systems that also help you know what you're looking for. Because
you don't want a brother that has checking baggage. You want a
brother that is putting time and energy into packing and unpacking
what he doesn't need to bring into this relationship. Right. So what
is baggage, though? baggage, so I use the word bagging, so your
baggage, so you know, you have the visual, but really baggage is just
the meanings that we we develop from the events that we've had in
life. Right. So what I've experienced that we have is the
event, then is the perception and the evaluation we make, that
becomes the meanings that we carry along with us throughout life.
Right, the past is the past, it's over. But those meanings that you
develop, that you chose to have about what this event means about
you, about your Lord about others, is what you carry into the next
experience. So as a brother, what I want you to do is know what
those meanings are. And this segues into the other thing. So
how do you know what those meanings are? You need to know one
modality, you need to have some type of structured, cognitive
emotional modality that teaches you how to understand your
thinking, your feeling and your acting. My biases, I use CBT,
particularly our abt, but there's a plethora of them. Knowing how to
regulate your emotions is what we need. Not for you not to have
emotions, that's your acid, lead with it, but know how to regulate
it. And so by knowing how to regulate it, and it's possible,
how do you know as possible, and this is the response I gave to
that question about no arguments is because when you are in the
job, you give that emotional regulation to your boss. So when
you are in my house, you can have that same emotional regulation, or
you're just not gonna get my time and attention. We can have this
conversation later. When you're in the right space, emotionally, what
you have to say may be completely valid, and right, I can be wrong.
But what is not going to happen, it is not going to happen with a
certain tone and diction. How do you regulate that tongue
addiction, but understanding your thinking and your emotions? So you
start with the baggage No, the bag if it really what I'm saying is
knowing the meanings? How do you know the meanings, you know, the
meanings by having some understanding of a modality. And
understanding the modality then teaches you your deficiencies. And
we all have, we're all fallible human beings. You know, by a laws
design, we're fallible human beings, we're gonna make mistakes,
you know, your your deficiencies. That's true self awareness. So I
took you backwards. But really what I want to get to is, I want
you to have self awareness.
Because if you have self awareness, and not this cliche,
trendy, it's my true stuff. No, you can do that. But that's me for
somebody else. When I need to self awareness that's grounded in a
modality that has something tangible, right? Because then I
know that you know how to work on it, I don't need you to be
perfect. But I need you to work on your baggage, and you know how to
work on your budget. Because you went through a modality, you own a
modality.
And you can go to a psychiatrist, psychologist, Coach, you can go to
anyone that has a modality, and they can teach that to you. So for
me to answer is I want to self awareness. But I want self
awareness that's grounded in something. And when I say
something, I mean, a modality, that that's what it's not that you
won't have baggage. But you got to have that data have a carry on
baggage now that check in baggage. That's that that insistence, this
is a point I made. I'll start with this so that I can act like I was
concise says this, when you don't understand a modality.
You're likely to make choices of who you're going to marry or who
you're going to give your time to, because it may not even get to
marriage. You make choices based off emotions, and emotional
attachment will lead you to overlook the red flags that are
glaringly obvious. Right? You know, you need dole Achmed, who's
the leader of or the manager, but you're entertained by Colin from
copies, right? You
Ignore knows where flags right of colleague from copy room, but you
are interested in right the manager, right but you should be
interested in him. Right but you ignore red flags did you get the
attachment to college
attachments emotional attachments can be addressed if you have a
modality. If you have a modality, it allow you to make a sound
decision. emotional attachments lead you to neglect the glaring
red flags that are there. So that's for brothers as well. But
that that's what I would say, no doubt no one modality so that you
have real tangible self awareness. Not that Kardash and self
awareness. Pardon me for the mention of
Allah there's one one quote, okay, NASA does that beautifully. And I
can't stress this self awareness enough. Carl Jung you said that
until
you make the subconscious conscious, it will, it will lead
you and and you call it fate. So essentially this you attract the
same people that same toxicity and we've seen it in the workplace
we've seen sisters who've experienced a certain type of man
attract the same man and again and again, right it's because of that
lack of self self awareness and not making the subconscious
conscious to realize what is it that I'm thinking what are those
patterns that I'm you know, that I'm consistently falling into?
Sources The name is here does that gonna let you take over the the
host rights and shut Allah
please leave me off hosting, I'm good with being off hosting. I
just wanted to distill what Brother Nasser was saying. And I
think emotional regulation, and self awareness. These are topics
that have come up several times over the weekend when it comes to
being a wife. So just like Hello, Kate. And for that.
I want to hear what Brother Ma we said, because we've got a lot and
it's in anyone's taking notes.
Anything on socials, you know, please tag us all, because
everybody here has has given something for others to agree on,
on everything here. Right? Because it's not just because you're a
man, you see things a particular way. But everybody is coming to
this answer to this question from their vantage point, if you like.
So Brother Saeed is explained to us where he's coming from, because
he's come from a background of chaotic polygamy, you know,
culture, ruling over religion, etc. So his, his perspective and
viewpoint is, is very much grounded in that or coming from
that same with, obviously, brother Nasser, who is, you know, in this
in the CBT space, and you know, he this is he is a counselor, as a
worker, he does a Diem, you've come from your own lived
experience, as well, you know, as somebody who has been, you know,
super, super busy and focused on your career. And so the things
that you mentioned, they, you know, they apply to you and
Brother Mohammed as well. So, I'm going to go to Panama area now.
But I'd love to hear after we've had a chance to kind of go do the
round table. I'd love to hear whether we can distill certain
things that are common to everyone. Like everybody agrees
that yeah, as a husband in a more general sense. This is what
husbands in general, looking for or need, etc, after we've all
given our personal perspective
there was never an introduction. So I mean, I honestly think