Naima B. Robert – Secrets of Successful Wives conference Show Up for your Marriage!
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AI: Transcript ©
So as many of us have
made dua for a spouse
and maybe some of us are still making
dua for a spouse but so many of
us have made dua for a spouse.
But
the reality
of having that spouse
is maybe different to what we were imagining.
Right? Maybe
there is more hard work involved, maybe there's
more sacrifice involved,
Maybe there are difficulties and challenges that we
had not anticipated.
And maybe to be honest, we just get
bored. We thought it was gonna be more
exciting than it is. We think it we,
you know, it was gonna be more romantic
than it is, that if there's gonna be
more stuff going on and we realize that,
oh,
being a wife is is is is a
job. It's it's work. Right? So
what can happen is that even though we
made so much dua, we were so hopeful,
we had so many dreams and expectations,
once we get the thing that we wanted,
we become complacent.
And that is actually the
really the complacency
is the main
thing that shows up when we are no
longer
showing up
because to show up
is to become
present,
to be mindful,
to bring your full self
to whatever role it is you're playing. That's
what showing up means.
It's
not sleepwalking.
It's not,
you know, kind of just
coasting,
or just doing the bare minimum
or just zoning out and just doing your
duties and doing the checklist. That is the
opposite of showing up. And how many of
us,
find ourselves doing that once we're in the
marriage?
It may take us a few weeks, maybe
some months, maybe a year, but a lot
of us end up sleepwalking through our marriages.
So
today, really the gist of my conversation that
I want to have with you is how
to show
up in your marriage.
How to show up in your marriage. How
to show up for your marriage. How to
show up as a spouse. And if you're
familiar with the whole, you know, show up,
how showing up works, then you will know
that there are 6 steps.
And the first step in the the the
6 steps to showing up is being intentional.
Being intentional.
Subhanallah.
Subhanallah.
Subhanallah.
The difference
that
purifying your intention makes,
we already know that a pure intention can
change
an ordinary
daily mundane act into an act of.
The prophet
said
that,
verily actions are by intention.
Now many of us
we got married with the intention
to complete what?
Half hour deen. Right? We got married with
the intention to please Allah.
We got married with the intention to to
to to raise a Muslim family, to have
an Islamic home, you know, to become better
Muslims, to you know, we had all these
intentions
when we were looking to get married, but
the thing that happens is
once we're in the marriage, once the work
of the marriage comes, you know, becomes a
reality,
it can be
easy to lose sight of those intentions that
we had at one point. It can be
very easy because we just get used to
it or we just you know, we slide
into a routine.
And how many of us
have done something for our spouse or something
to invest in our marriage
and taken them just taken a beat
to be intentional
with it.
This thing that I'm doing,
this cup of tea that I'm making,
this, forgiveness that I'm giving. Right? This kind
word that I'm saying,
this bill that I'm paying, whatever it is,
How many of us have taken a moment
to just
remember that this is for Allah
That this is an investment in your akhirah.
Guys, I can't
stress to you
how important
it is to remember that you, we, every
one of us Muslims, no matter who we
are, born Muslim revert, You know, you know,
black, white, yellow, blue, purple,
whether we live in Abuja, whether we live
in Jakarta, whether we live in New York,
or we live in Johannesburg or London or
Cairo,
every single one of us, rich or poor,
whatever,
we have the power
to be intentional
in our lives.
We have that power.
We can choose it, and we can choose
it again and again and again. It is
free.
It is free for us.
We don't need more money.
We don't need more knowledge.
We don't need more time. We don't need
anything
external
for us to get really
intentional
with our
lives in general and our relationships in particular.
If every one of us every one of
us,
may Allah make this a witness for me
and not against me and every single one
of you that hears this. If we, every
single one of us could make a commitment
to say, I will
give I will take care of this amana.
Who whoever it is, your husband, your wife,
your children, your parents, whoever it is, I
will take care of this amana
because it's something I owe to Allah Subhanahu
Wa Ta'ala.
I will take care of this amana for
his sake
seeking his face, seeking his pleasure.
I'm not doing it for validation.
I'm not doing it for praise. I'm not
doing it for gratitude from the people or
thanks or a payback later or anything like
that.
I am doing this from my heart because
I love Allah
and he has blessed me with this thing.
Blessed me with this thing that others cry
for,
that others are still crying for,
that others are wondering whether they will ever
have this in their lives.
I have been blessed with this thing.
I have been blessed with this person,
with this parent, with this spouse, with this
child, whatever it is.
I was blessed. Allah chose me.
And Allah doesn't choose every single person. How
many brothers do we know out there unmarried?
How many sisters out there unmarried,
crying,
wondering will it will it ever happen for
me?
Will I ever find someone? Will I ever
get someone to commit to me? Will I
ever have somebody in my life to love
me and care for me and make me
safe and protect me and do all of
that? Will I ever or will I walk
this earth alone?
Will I walk this earth alone? Will I
die on my own? Will I live in
my parents house forever? SubhanAllah.
Will I live by myself in my flat
and, you know, just, like, make pot noodles
and domi and stuff like that forever?
There are so many. I can't we don't
have data. I don't have data.
So I can't tell you
how many thousands, tens of thousands, 100, 1,000,
millions of people in the world out there
are wishing for someone in their lives, somebody
who
is for them,
emotionally, physically, financially, all of the things. Yeah.
Wishing for someone who could be for them.
So with that in mind
with that in mind,
if you are one of those people who
has been
thus blessed,
I want you to make a decision today.
I want you to make a decision today
to love for the sake of Allah.
Do it for him.
Be intentional
as a wife.
Be intentional as a spouse.
This advice is for all men and women.
This is not a woman's only advice. This
applies to men too.
Be intentional.
Because no matter what happens,
if you do
the labor of love that it takes to
care for your spouse,
to make sure they're okay, to look after
them, to give them their rights,
that will be recorded for you.
It will be written on your record.
It is an investment,
sisters.
It's an investment in your akhira.
Not only, of course, do you see the
benefits of it in this life. K. Inshallah,
you see the benefits in this life. Right?
Not just you personally, but, you know, your
husband and what your children see, etcetera.
Not only do you get the benefit in
this life,
but you'll get it in akhira as well.
So the first step to showing up as
a wife, as a spouse, is to be
intentional.
I want every one of you inshallah to
let me know in the comments, in the
chat,
if you think that you can make a
decision today
to be intentional.
Let me know. Give me a yes in
the chat or in the comments if you
can be intentional.
I don't take this person for granted.
Even with their faults and their flaws, we
know none of us are perfect.
We all have our mistakes, some are more
than others, some are better than others,
but if you have someone in your life
that you can be grateful for,
be grateful for them.
And remember as well that they are a
man.
They're on loan.
They are
on loan.
You don't own them.
If Allah takes
them back,
it's over.
It's
over.
You cannot do anything more for them. They
are not in need of you anymore.
Once they return to Allah,
they are not in need of you anymore
except to make dua for them. You don't
have to make them cups of tea anymore.
You don't have to rub their back. You
don't have to do anything.
So do it now.
Earn the reward through your spouse while you
still can.
And let this be a reminder to every
single one of you that that spouse
is a manna. And Allah
put you guys together for a purpose, for
a reason. It was not it was not,
you know, something random, something coincidental, something in
which there is no purpose
inshallah inshallah, the 2 of you,
there is something that you need to gain
from each other. There is something that you
need to to build together. There's something that
you need to learn from each other inshallah.
So may Allah bless all of you with
good
with good relationships that are healthy and allow
you to grow closer to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala. So the first is to be intentional.
2nd,
to be positive.
Positive,
ladies
and gents,
we,
every one of us, we are in need
of
having a positive attitude towards the role of
being a wife.
Because when we have a positive attitude,
it impacts the way that we feel, the
way that we act, the way that we
speak, and it shows that we expect good
from Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
If you believe that you can never achieve
happiness in this role or that you will
never be able to fulfill this role, the
chances are that you will not.
But at least have.
Have a good thought of Allah.
Be positive,
especially for those of you who are looking
to get married or you're at marriageable age
or you've just started out in your marriage.
I know. Trust me. I know the horror
stories.
We've all heard them.
And sometimes I think we hear them too
much
because what we need to do ourselves is
be positive and have a good thought of
Allah. That Allah
is gonna give me a good person who
inshallah is going to be what I need.
Now I did not say what you want.
I said what you need. I hope you
understand the difference between those 2. But, insha
Allah,
having a positive outlook. And sisters and brothers,
please remember that the next generation are watching
us and they're listening to us.
So those of you who are in positive
relationships where you're, you know, you're making it
work,
please pass this on to your children and
your nephews and your nieces. The next generation
needs to hear wholesome stories.
They need positive role models when it comes
to marriage. They need to see people putting
in the work, forgiving each other, being patient,
being kind, being generous.
They need to see marriages working,
and they need to hear
positive stories about real marriage.
We owe that inshallah to ourselves and to
the next generation inshallah.
Give me a yes in the chat or
in the comments if that makes sense in
any shape, size, or form inshallah.
So number 2 is to be positive.
Because, guys, the reality is
and this is when I say all of
this, I am
saying it all,
acknowledging that there are extremes. Right? There are
some relationships that are toxic, that are absolutely
you know, these 2 should not be together.
Okay? But I'm operating on the basis that
most people have fairly average relationships, right, with
ups and downs, with good things and bad
things. So
my invitation to you
is to go in with a positive mindset
and do number 3,
which is to cultivate gratitude.
To cultivate
gratitude.
Again, this is related to being positive. But
I would say that for many of us,
the reason we feel unhappy and disappointed and
frustrated
is because we are focusing on the wrong
things.
Again, it's a general statement.
If it applies to you, please take it
on board because as wives,
we know that we've been warned
like this is not this is not a
joke.
We've been warned about being ungrateful.
And we've been actually the prophet
spoke about, you know, women who are ungrateful
to their husbands.
So if we find
that we're focusing on the negatives in our
relationship and we're looking at what our husband
doesn't do and what he's not good at
and what he you know, he's disappointed us
in this area and that area and this
area. My dear sister,
I would invite you to take a step
back
and spend some time looking
at what is going well.
What is he doing?
What is he bringing to the table? What
is the benefit of your relationship? You know,
what is he great at? Even if it's
not the things that you're looking for, what
is it that he has with him? What
are the positives
of your marriage, of your relationship?
Where
how could this be great?
And one of the ways that I have
seen so many sisters turn their marriages around
just on their own or up in here
is to decide to be grateful.
To decide to be grateful.
This again goes back to what we talked
about earlier about, you know, so many people
out there who don't have a spouse, who
don't have a husband, who are crying and
wondering whether there will ever happen to them.
You know, this is what I was saying
because when we have the thing that we
wanted,
unfortunately, as human beings,
we become ungrateful. We take it for granted.
And that's one thing that I can say
is taking for granted will just will destroy
your marriage. And and it this is it
works both ways. A woman who is taken
for granted and not appreciated, she loses her
spark. And a man who is not appreciated
and not taken for grant sorry. A man
who is not appreciated and is taken for
granted, he loses the desire to stand for
you.
He loses the desire to be what you
need him to be. He loses the desire
to look after and protect and make sure
you're okay because he sees that I can
never please this woman.
I can never please her, she's never satisfied.
I did this, I did that, I'm trying
to do this, I'm always doing that but
she's always got something else. There's always something
else. There's a problem
there's a problem here. There's a problem there.
And the reason that we are seeing those
problems is because we are not focusing on
the good that he's doing. Instead, in our
heads, all we can think about is what
he hasn't done,
what he's not doing, what he's not good
at. I don't know. We're getting the comparison
from somewhere.
Either it's a comparison with the that image
of the ideal in our heads. Maybe we
read a book. Maybe we saw a post
on Instagram. But in our head now, we
are comparing our husbands
to something else, and we're finding him lacking.
But
none of us would love for this to
be done to us. None of us. We
want our husbands to see us as we
are and and be appreciative.
Some of them are great at that, some
of them not so good. So we'll talk
about that another time. Right? But
This is the one you have.
This is the one you have.
And if it's decent,
if it's average,
if it's normal,
it's good enough.
In fact, average is perfect.
And I've said this before,
and I'll keep saying it.
The ideal in our heads is a fantasy.
It's not reality.
It's just a fantasy.
And,
you know, comparing
a real person
to a fantasy
It's a recipe for disaster.
Comparing
a husband who lives with you, who you
know intimately,
with your friend's husband,
who you only see
giving gifts and taking her on holiday,
not a good idea.
Comparing the husband that is here with you
in your house and who you know intimately
with pictures of people on social media,
recipe for disaster.
Because the fantasy in your head is not
real,
The image you have of your friend's husband
is not the full picture,
and the pictures on social media and in
the movies and in the songs
are
not real.
So love
the one you're with.
Cherish the one you're with.
Cultivate
gratitude
every single day. Because if you can feel
the gratitude to Allah
first and foremost
and then to him
and tell him thank you.
I appreciate you.
May Allah bless you.
I feel so blessed that Allah gave you
to me as a husband.
I love it when you do this. I
love it when you do that. I love
to see you with our children. I'm proud
to be the mother of your children. I'm
so happy that we are creating this family
together
and making dua for him.
Oh, any man who is watching this,
just
comment how you would feel if your wife
spoke to you in this way from a
place of sincerity.
And those sisters,
you sisters who are listening,
find it in your heart to be able
to express gratitude to your husband today. Send
them a text
right
now. Send him a text to say I
appreciate you, babe. Habibi,
I love you.
Yeah. Whatever it is.
Trust me. The results you'll see
from the gratitude,
Allah says if you are grateful, I will
increase you in.
So we can never be grateful enough.
And because the grass is from Allah because
remember guys at this whatever risk we get,
whether it is wealth, whether it is children,
whether it is love, whether it's care, protection,
etcetera, it's all from Allah aslam. It's all
from Allah
fundamentally
that gratitude is to Allah
And if Allah
has chosen
this person to bring you this khayr, love
him up.
Come on now.
Show him that you care, that you see
him. You see how hard he's trying.
You appreciate his efforts.
And if the brothers are listening,
wallahi, this advice is for you as well.
Your wife wants to be appreciated. She wants
to be seen.
She wants she's happy to do the work.
She's happy to make the sacrifice.
She's happy to do that for you and
for the children. All she asks is that
you see it
and that you appreciate it and you make
her feel
appreciated.
So the advice most of the advice that
you will hear over this weekend, even though
it's secrets of successful wives,
majority of this,
it applies both ways because human beings are
human beings, Aslam. Anyway, let me keep it
going.
So number 3 was cultivate gratitude. Number through
4 is have courage.
Alright? Now why do I say have courage,
guys? Why am I saying have courage? Because
this is a long term commitment.
This is a marathon. It's not a sprint.
There will be times when you hate his
guts.
There will be times when you wanna tear
him limb from limb. There'll be times when
you wanna move out of the house, when
you wanna change the locks, when you wanna
send him an ugly text, when you wanna
say to him leave me, don't touch me.
There will come those times.
There is no couple that you have seen
together for 10, 15, 20 years, even 5
years that have not been through some stuff.
Give me a yes in the chat if
you know what say true in the chat
if you know what I'm talking about.
The amazing thing is
for almost all those couples, right, when they
went through that trial, maybe the trials,
some somebody could have been justified to say,
you know what? Just leave it.
Just just leave it. It's too much. Like,
come on.
Right?
And maybe they themselves felt, you know what?
I can't I can't do this anymore. I
cannot.
Right? I'm done.
Maybe they felt like that.
The reason that
they are looking back on those challenges
today
from a place of
safety, security, you know, understanding,
wisdom, and all of that,
having been married 10, 15, 20 years,
it's because they didn't give up.
They did not give up.
They didn't
shut up shop when they wanted to. They
didn't walk away when it felt like that
was the only thing that they could do.
They didn't. That's why they're still together. No.
This is just a crazy thing. Right? It's
like
Hollywood and all of the nonsense
makes us think that if people have been
together for 10, 15 years, it's because they
never had problems.
But if you look at the people in
your life who have been together, and I
know certainly it's the case for me, for
every single one of my friends,
there was a time in that marriage when
they could have easily walked away and felt
completely justified.
The fact that they made it through
and saw the other side of it. And
when I say that almost the promised land,
that time when the trials inshallah be behind
you,
the nonsense is behind you, you know, the
uh-uh is behind you, is because they had
that courage to say no we're gonna go
in again.
We're gonna go back in and we're gonna
try again and we're not gonna give up
and we're gonna keep fighting for this.
Why?
Because this matters.
And even though I hate your guts right
now, you matter to me.
And our children matter to me. And this
family matters to me so even though I
could just you right now,
I'm not going anywhere.
I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here. I'm
gonna stay in the game and we're gonna
work it out.
And
if
you do that for the sake of Allah,
he will bless you.
He will bless you with the ease
because he
promised
it.
Verily
with hardship comes ease.
Right?
But if we give up at the hardship,
we don't get to see that ease.
Give me a boom
in the comments in the chat
because it's true.
If we give up
and if we punk out
and we run away
when the times are are tough, and we're
having arguments, we're not seeing eye to eye,
whatever the case may be. Right? When times
are tough,
we punk out. We don't get to see
the ease.
We just we just we just exchange it
for another set of hardships and then we
have to go through those hardships
and see a different kind of ease somewhere
else. Hamdulillah.
May Allah bless us all with courage, courage
and fortitude and commitment inshallah.
Now number 5,
embracing flow.
What does embracing flow as a wife mean?
Again, this is tied to the previous point.
Understanding
that our relationship
will ebb and flow. There will be times
when we are completely aligned
and on the same page and in love,
And there will be times of
distance,
separation
even,
living
in separate planets. Right?
Sometimes this happens as a result of children.
It can happen when, you know, work situations
change.
If one of you moves, if you make
Hajjar, for example, which has happened to many
of the people that I know where the
wife takes the children and they settle in
a Muslim country and the husband
you would have had when you were newlyweds,
right, or when you were all living together.
So understanding that relationships
go through ups and downs and this is
normal.
And sometimes
life demands
that you
have to have less time,
have less focus. Right? That you kind of
maybe are not as connected as you like.
Right? That you, you know, the the the
the that you that you see that
things are not the way you'd love for
them to be.
Understand that certain parts of life
are, you know, are are basically
will require
something different from you? So I'll give you
an example.
The 2 of you married.
You're both fairly young.
Maybe your husband has started a new job,
but because his job is a 9 to
5, it's normal. You get to see him.
He comes home every day. Masha'Allah, you made
the dinner and, you know, you play wifey
and you have you know, enjoy your time,
together as a husband and wife and, you
know, it's it's all very romantic and very
beautiful and you love it. Okay? Now
anything could change.
For example, if you
fall pregnant and you have a difficulty with
the birth with the with the with the
pregnancy. Right? So for example, you're having morning
sickness, so you don't feel great. Alright? You're
not able to cook the way that you
used to cook. You're not able to have
as much energy as you used to have.
For example,
that's a time
when now your husband has to adjust.
Similarly,
if he gets a promotion at work or
he leaves that job to go to, start
his own business and now he's working these
really long hours. So he can't come home
early to have dinner with you like he
used to. Again, there's an adjustment that's needed
there. Right? This is what I mean by
embracing flow. When the 2 of you are
young and you're still building your family,
Yanny, those days are tough. Anybody who has
had young children
earlier on in their marriage, they know those
times forget date night. Okay? Just stop. Alright?
Nobody's out here talking about date night and,
you know, you know, kind of, you know,
keeping the flame alive and all that kind
of thing. In fact, probably sisters are trying
not to keep the flame alive, but they
they have got other things on their minds.
But my point is
this is just a part of the ebb
and flow of the relationship.
Okay?
It's not something to get too anxious about,
too concerned about, you know, start to think,
well,
what does this mean? You know, where are
we going? You know, like, you know, I
feel like we're not don't get in your
feelings about it. I think that's what I
want to say. Don't get in your feelings.
Oh, now that he's started this business, I
feel like I'm not a priority anymore, like
I hardly see him and sort of giving
a lot of
emotional energy into that, it helps to just
sit back and say, this is the season
that we're in.
It's like when you get older and, for
example, your parents are not well. Yeah. His
parents fall ill. Your parents fall ill, and
there's a season where your focus is them.
Maybe they move in with you. Right? So
now you the 2 of you again, your
relationship is not gonna be the same because
now your parents are with you, maybe they
need your care, they need your attention, your
focus is on them. So he or your
husband will have to adjust just like your
children have to adjust.
This is the flow that I'm talking about.
Yeah? That the the seasons that our relationships
go through. So embrace that.
Understand that that's a part a normal part
of life and embrace it Insha Allah.
And then the last thing I want to
say before I hand over to our next
speaker
is number 6, and that is
be you.
This is something for my sisters. Alright? Especially
for you.
Right?
Sometimes when we come into a marriage and
we have
so much, zeal to be a good wife,
we
tend to lose ourselves slightly because we're thinking
I wanna make my husband happy, I wanna
do this, I wanna do that. Now for
sure,
you should do that.
But also remember that he married you because
there was something special about you that he
enjoyed.
And you can be yourself,
the best version of yourself as a wife.
So if you are a playful, cheerful person,
hopefully, you married somebody who likes the fact
that you're playful and cheerful. Right? So keep
hold of that.
If you're a very intelligent sister, educated sister,
hopefully, he he saw that about you and
he liked that about you. So don't feel
that you have to erase your personality
just to be a good wife
because we'll be talking a lot more about
the qualities of a good wife. And you'll
see that
while there are some personal characteristics, some character
traits that make excellent wives,
when it comes to personalities, they
enjoy it.
You know? Enjoy it. Enjoy being a wife
the way that you are. Bring yourself to
the table.
For those of you who got lost, who's
thinking,
you know, who got married the Islamic way,
one of want to get married the Islamic
way, the Sunnah way, what I would say
is
try to give
the
intended,
a taste of your personality.
Okay?
Don't pretend to be someone you're not.
Okay? Don't say things that are not true
about yourself. Okay? If you're a bubbly person,
it's better that he knows that you're bubbly,
he likes that or he doesn't like it,
then you pretend that you're not bubbly, he
marries you, and then he realizes that you're
actually crazy.
Okay? And then he doesn't like it and
now you have to suppress a part of
yourself. Okay? It's not a great idea.
These personality
traits, again, like I said, you could be
a very serious person.
Right?
I shouldn't say that all sisters are just
bubbly and and playful, etcetera, because there are
some sisters who are very serious.
Right? If you are a serious minded person,
be serious minded so that he knows that
this is what I'm taking on because for
some men, serious minded is like, yes. That's
exactly what I want. You know? Like I
said, we will be talking about other things
that I will say
lean into those when you're having these conversations
for marriage. But as for your personality,
don't try and be someone else. Don't try
and be his mom.
Don't try and be his sister. Don't try
and be your mom. You know?
Be the wife that he needs you to
be as yourself
and have fun with it.
And that really, ladies and gentlemen,
my dear sisters and brothers,
these are the 6 things that I wanted
to go over. So I'm gonna go over
them again to summarize inshallah before we pass
it on. 1st is to be intentional.
This is to show up as a wife,
showing up as a spouse, showing up in
your marriage, to be intentional,
to be positive,
to cultivate gratitude,
to have courage, to embrace flow and to
be yourself.
And I pray that Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
makes this beneficial for everybody who listened.
I pray that he blesses us with the
very best of spouses,
enables us to be the very best of
spouses and allows us to complete half our
deen in a way that is pleasing to
him,
And
our next speaker
is sister Mariam Lim. So we're gonna take
a quick break and then we'll be back
with sister Maryam. So if you need to
go out, you need to take some water,
you need to take some tea, whatever you
need to do,
go ahead and do that inshallah.
We'll see you back here in about 5
minutes. Inshallah.