Naima B. Robert – Secrets of Successful Wives conference OG Wives give MAD advice!

Naima B. Robert
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The speakers emphasize the importance of finding one's own professional and happiness to elevate oneself and make small small mistakes to avoid negative consequences. They stress the need for women to be open-minded and not be a "red flag" in relationships, managing expectations and risk, and investing in oneself and one's character. The importance of growth and control for personal growth and development is emphasized, along with the need to invest in oneself and one's character, manage expectations and avoid damaging relationships, and avoid double-stuffing. The speakers express gratitude for the session and encourage others to participate, highlighting upcoming talks and a focus on building relationships with younger sisters.

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			Welcome
		
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			to the OG
		
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			wives panel
		
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			in the secrets of successful wives conference.
		
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			Now,
		
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			a lot of people may have heard this
		
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			term OG Wives and not really understood, you
		
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			know, what we're talking about. What is an
		
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			OG wife? Well, OG
		
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			obviously, it stands for original gangster, but Shala,
		
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			none of our wives are really gangsters.
		
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			But I use the term OG to say,
		
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			like, from the old school, from back in
		
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			the day. So I specifically reached out to
		
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			you and and invited sisters who've been married
		
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			for 10,
		
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			15, sometimes 20 years and plus,
		
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			to come on this panel and talk some
		
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			real talk.
		
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			And I did this for very selfish reasons.
		
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			And these selfish reasons are that
		
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			I, Insha'Allah,
		
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			believe
		
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			that it's necessary
		
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			for the sisters who have had the experience,
		
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			who have lived through the ups and downs
		
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			of marriage,
		
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			who have been, you know, on the journey
		
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			for a longer time
		
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			to be able to give advice
		
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			and to talk candidly
		
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			to the generations coming up.
		
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			I believe that there is a lot
		
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			of talk,
		
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			mainly online, we can say,
		
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			by all sorts of people about all sorts
		
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			of things. But the loudest voices I find
		
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			are the ones that have less experience,
		
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			and the, you know, the quieter voices are
		
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			the ones with more experience. And I think
		
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			that that's
		
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			I think that's wrong. I think that what
		
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			happens is we end up getting advice from
		
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			inexperienced people or from less experienced people. And
		
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			if there's anything that I've discovered or I've
		
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			learned on this journey when it comes to
		
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			marriage is that
		
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			there's a lot to learn from longevity.
		
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			It's easy to be happy
		
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			in the 1st 2, 3 years and, you
		
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			know, do a course or a program or,
		
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			like, you know, make an Instagram account or
		
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			whatever to show how happy we are at
		
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			you know, in year 2 or year 5
		
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			or even year 7.
		
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			But if you have been in the game
		
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			for 10, 15 years, you know, and you've
		
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			been through that process,
		
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			you really just have a different
		
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			lens and a very different perspective
		
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			on what makes a marriage work and what
		
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			makes marriage last. So that is really exactly
		
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			what we're here to talk about inshallah today.
		
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			So if I can just ask each of
		
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			you to introduce yourselves,
		
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			just tell us your name, what you do,
		
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			and how many years you've been married. And
		
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			then InshaAllah, we can get into the questions.
		
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			We'll start with you, sister Ruby, since you're
		
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			you're, like, kind of on my right.
		
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			Yes.
		
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			Abukna Al Rahim in the name of Allah.
		
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			Yeah.
		
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			I am Ruby Khosa. I'm the I am
		
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			the happy marriage coach.
		
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			I've been married for 11 years now.
		
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			Well, I have been married before,
		
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			had been divorced,
		
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			and then I got married a second time
		
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			after a long time.
		
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			So that's me.
		
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			Wonderful. What about you, sister Sarah?
		
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			Peace be upon you. Bismillah. Hello, everybody. Hope
		
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			you guys are okay.
		
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			Please say hello in the comments. Got any
		
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			questions, whatever, before I start, just please let
		
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			us know in the comments because I know
		
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			sister Naomi, just like me, would like to
		
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			have these as interactive as possible.
		
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			Yeah. My name is Sarah Saleh.
		
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			I am a mom to 4.
		
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			I've been married for we were trying to
		
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			work this out yesterday. I always get it
		
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			wrong. 16 16 years.
		
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			I am a
		
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			a online business consultant,
		
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			and, yeah, I'm really, really excited to be
		
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			here.
		
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			We had a really good Facebook live, didn't
		
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			we? We were speaking about this subject the
		
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			other day as well. So I've been really
		
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			excited to come on and hear everyone's thoughts
		
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			and just really get down to talking about
		
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			this because a lot of people don't really
		
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			speak about this stuff online, and especially myself.
		
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			Like you said, I've always been one of
		
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			the quiet voices, and the reason that
		
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			is, I'll be honest, it's probably a little
		
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			bit maybe paranoid, but an evil eye. When
		
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			I tell people about my marriage, people are
		
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			like, oh, you know, oh, good for you
		
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			kind of thing and things like that. So,
		
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			hopefully, I can give a positive aspect as
		
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			well.
		
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			What? We lost Naima? She gone? I think
		
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			she may have gone. Was it me? Yes.
		
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			I I was gone, and I'm back. Okay.
		
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			Omaisa, it's it's like a roller coaster. SubhanAllah.
		
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			I'm here and I'm out.
		
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			Scarlet Pimpernel.
		
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			Oma'issa,
		
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			what about you?
		
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			It's an honor to be here.
		
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			My name's,
		
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			Naima as well.
		
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			My name's Nikhia,
		
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			also known as Amarisah.
		
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			I'm actually a a hobby seller, but I've
		
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			actually been in Dower for over 20 years,
		
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			and especially in the community in supporting women.
		
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			And and,
		
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			I've
		
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			just been married 19 years. So, alhamdulillah, it's
		
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			It just flew by.
		
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			And Omaisa was determined not to be on
		
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			this panel. I just want you all to
		
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			know that she was like, I'm still learning,
		
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			mate. I'm not coming there to lecture anybody.
		
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			But I said no because we've spoken so
		
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			many times and, you know, obviously, we know
		
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			each other personally so I was like, no.
		
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			No. No. No. Because when you drop the
		
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			gems, you drop the gems. So inshallah, it's
		
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			not too much for you to inshallah be
		
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			able to share it with others as well.
		
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			Masha'Allah. Last but not least, sister Zainab Waladakpo.
		
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			Welcome. Assalamu Alaikum. Assalamu
		
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			Alaikum. Thank you for having me on here.
		
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			So,
		
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			I'm Zena Boladakpo, and
		
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			I live in Nigeria in the beautiful city
		
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			of Abuja. I'm a mom of 5,
		
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			and I've been married, alhamdulillah, for about 15
		
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			years.
		
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			However,
		
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			this is a second marriage. I was in
		
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			an earlier marriage, which was abusive, which I
		
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			walked out of, and then alhamdulillah,
		
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			so I've seen, like, both sides of,
		
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			you know, of a thing, and,
		
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			yeah, so I'm a transformative coach to,
		
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			Muslim women
		
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			and
		
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			the thing is I have been through so
		
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			much in my life that if I continued
		
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			with the introduction, we probably wouldn't finish before
		
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			the end of the hour. So I'm gonna
		
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			leave it at that initial. I would there'll
		
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			be points in time when I can share
		
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			what I went through that really impacted how
		
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			I was showing up in my marriage
		
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			and the journey to where I am now
		
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			where I can see, Alhamdulillah,
		
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			I I am in a happy marriage and
		
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			a thriving one that seems like it's just
		
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			even starting
		
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			out. SubhanAllah.
		
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			Yeah. I love that. Masha'Allah.
		
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			Wonderful. So we've got a real variety of
		
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			experiences here and I think there may even
		
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			be some points of, you know, that you
		
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			have in common as well. Masha'Allah.
		
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			Sounds like it on your journeys.
		
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			So okay.
		
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			Going to this point that, you know,
		
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			people who have been married for longer
		
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			have a different perspective,
		
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			right, on
		
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			what works, what doesn't work, etcetera. So my
		
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			first question to every each one of you
		
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			is could you name or describe or explain
		
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			three things
		
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			that make a marriage last long term?
		
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			What are your thoughts on that?
		
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			Yeah.
		
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			3 things.
		
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			I feel on the spot now, but I'm
		
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			gonna try.
		
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			I think
		
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			mutual understanding.
		
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			And when I say compromise,
		
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			I can't I don't mean compromise with a
		
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			negative
		
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			connotation.
		
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			I mean, compromise
		
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			certain things for your for your marriage, and
		
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			that doesn't necessarily have to be a negative
		
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			thing. So when people say I'm not compromising
		
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			you know, like you said, online, there's a
		
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			lot of things
		
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			that are being put on the media. Oh,
		
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			I want this. I'm a strong independent woman.
		
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			I deserve to have this, that, the other,
		
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			you know, all this sort of thing.
		
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			There has to be compromises sometimes.
		
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			And it it takes a lot to build
		
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			that, but that you can make that a
		
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			really good foundation for your marriage if you
		
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			kind of have a mutual understand and understand.
		
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			You know, your husband's gonna give things up
		
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			as well as you are. So it's not
		
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			just about a one way street. It's about
		
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			having that mutual understanding.
		
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			I think being able to be friends and
		
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			speak to your husband about literally anything,
		
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			really, like, being compatible
		
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			on that aspect,
		
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			I think is fine. You know, me and
		
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			my husband, we we've been married, what, you
		
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			know, like I said, 15, 16 years, and
		
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			we've we still sit up all night talking.
		
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			But, literally, we'll just sit talking all the
		
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			time. And he'll phone me from work, and
		
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			he'll be like, hi. What are you doing?
		
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			Like, literally. And
		
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			we've been married this long, and it's still
		
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			like that. So kind of keeping those things,
		
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			you know, what things are mutually in common,
		
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			and we kinda have grown together on that.
		
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			And, also, it's, yeah, it's it's kind of
		
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			not giving up at the first hurdles.
		
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			Not giving up. Like, not giving up. It
		
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			is hard. Sometimes life is hard.
		
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			Yeah. Life is hard. Marriage can be difficult.
		
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			I've been through so many different things in
		
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			my marriage. We've had,
		
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			you know, we've had different things,
		
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			you know, we wanted different things in life.
		
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			We've been through infertility.
		
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			We've been through, you know, my husband losing
		
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			his job. We've been through, you know, financial
		
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			things. We've been up and we've been down,
		
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			but we've always, always, always tried to make
		
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			it work, and we've never gone to sleep
		
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			on an argument ever.
		
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			We've always saw it.
		
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			I don't hold any grudges. I just get
		
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			away sometimes. So,
		
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			that's the 3 things that I can offer
		
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			that works for us.
		
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			And, you know, before I go to the
		
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			other sisters, just, you know, one of the
		
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			things that I'd like to just maybe touch
		
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			on is the idea that of, you you
		
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			know, people changing and growing in the marriage.
		
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			Right? Because I know that you you and
		
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			your husband were in one place and then,
		
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			you know, things changed in terms of lifestyle,
		
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			in terms of Dean, etcetera.
		
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			Can you maybe speak to that? Because some
		
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			a lot of people, especially now, you know,
		
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			where maybe the woman is on a journey,
		
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			maybe at one point, people were getting married
		
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			and then maybe the brother would become more
		
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			practicing. Right? Or he married somebody who wasn't
		
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			Muslim and he wasn't practicing, but then he
		
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			became practicing and then it became this shift.
		
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			And now as well, a lot of sisters
		
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			are, you know, maybe developing themselves and kind
		
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			of up leveling in terms of their professional
		
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			and career,
		
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			and that is in itself causing, you know,
		
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			like a change in the dynamic. Maybe if
		
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			you could just speak to that briefly, Insha'Allah,
		
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			how you manage that. I think not you're
		
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			not doing this alone.
		
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			When you're up leveling, you're up leveling together.
		
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			Whatever you're doing to up level yourself personally,
		
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			professionally, in your family, in your team, you're
		
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			up leveling together.
		
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			You are in this marriage together, and it's
		
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			not about him and me and this. It's
		
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			if you're gonna think about, you know, like
		
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			you said, starting a new profession, you wanna
		
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			do something, you wanna do a training course,
		
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			you wanna change profession, or you wanna start,
		
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			you know, touch like, for example, me, leaving
		
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			last week, about 3 weeks ago, I saw
		
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			some touch read class has been advertised, and
		
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			I said, I thought we're gonna do it.
		
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			I didn't go ahead and book them. I'm
		
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			gonna do tudwig class. I knew my husband
		
00:11:28 --> 00:11:29
			wouldn't mind, but I said to my husband,
		
00:11:29 --> 00:11:31
			he's in the morning cup. Yes. Look. I've
		
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			seen these TED week classes.
		
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			They're in the weekday. What do you think?
		
00:11:35 --> 00:11:36
			You know? And he was like, yeah. Great.
		
00:11:36 --> 00:11:38
			Go ahead. If he would have said, oh,
		
00:11:38 --> 00:11:39
			maybe start next week, and he would have
		
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			given me a a reason why or whatever,
		
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			it would have been fine because I know
		
00:11:44 --> 00:11:46
			he didn't mind. But it's like, I always
		
00:11:46 --> 00:11:48
			it okay. I I can say I even
		
00:11:48 --> 00:11:50
			sometimes ask his permission. I know I don't
		
00:11:50 --> 00:11:52
			have to ask his permission.
		
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			My husband has never stopped me doing anything
		
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			except pierce my nose.
		
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			Years ago, by the way. I was like,
		
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			why do you want my nose pierced? You
		
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			know, I think it looked nice. He's like,
		
00:12:04 --> 00:12:06
			please don't get nose pierced. But, yeah, you
		
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			know,
		
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			almost asked his permission. I say to him,
		
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			look. Do you mind if I do this,
		
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			or can I do this, or
		
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			is it okay? I'm thinking about doing something.
		
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			And, you know, we do these things together.
		
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			He's the same with him and his work.
		
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			You know, my husband's worked away a lot,
		
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			and he's always said to me when he
		
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			wants to do something different in his career
		
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			or he's got something that's happened at work
		
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			and he's got a big decision to make,
		
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			he says to me, is that okay? Like,
		
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			even a couple of weeks ago, he was
		
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			like, you know, I might have to go
		
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			to Ireland for a little bit and work
		
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			and stuff like that. I'm gonna try and
		
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			get over. I said, it's absolutely fine. If
		
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			you've gotta do that for you, you've gotta
		
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			do it. He hasn't just come home and
		
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			gone, it's work. I've gotta do this. You
		
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			know, we kinda speak about it together. So
		
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			I think that's where a lot of people
		
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			get it wrong. They don't they go off
		
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			on their own path, and that's fine if
		
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			you're finding it yourself. But make your husband
		
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			or your wife with you.
		
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			Say, you know, we're gonna go on this
		
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			path together. Let's try and do it together,
		
00:12:56 --> 00:12:58
			you know, even do things to get involved
		
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			with each other. You know, so if you're
		
00:12:59 --> 00:13:01
			on a spiritual journey
		
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			and you feel you're growing apart, it's because
		
00:13:03 --> 00:13:06
			maybe you're not kinda getting them involved. You're
		
00:13:06 --> 00:13:08
			not asking them to come with you on
		
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			that path. So, you know, it's just that,
		
00:13:10 --> 00:13:12
			again, that's just something for you guys to
		
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			think about. I liked when you said earlier
		
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			about, he says you don't wanna lecture people.
		
00:13:15 --> 00:13:17
			I'm not trying to I just wanna kinda
		
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			offer advice of what's worked for me. And
		
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			if you guys do resonate with that, please
		
00:13:22 --> 00:13:23
			do take that away and ask me any
		
00:13:23 --> 00:13:24
			questions you like as well.
		
00:13:27 --> 00:13:29
			Thank you so much. And I think this
		
00:13:29 --> 00:13:30
			issue of sort of being on journeys and
		
00:13:30 --> 00:13:32
			how the sister said he's not there yet,
		
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			I I would like to circle back to
		
00:13:34 --> 00:13:36
			that insha'Allah. But I would like each one
		
00:13:36 --> 00:13:38
			of you to answer the question about three
		
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			things that make a marriage last inshallah as
		
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			far as your experience is concerned.
		
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			Ruby, would you like to go next?
		
00:13:47 --> 00:13:48
			Okay. Yeah.
		
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			You know, when you said 3 things,
		
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			I said, oh, wow.
		
00:13:55 --> 00:13:56
			3? Only 3?
		
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			There's so many,
		
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			like, you know, successes. I could speak all
		
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			day about it.
		
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			But the biggest success
		
00:14:07 --> 00:14:08
			in my marriage,
		
00:14:09 --> 00:14:11
			and I have got a story to tell,
		
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			and I'm not sure whether we have time
		
00:14:12 --> 00:14:13
			for that today.
		
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			But the biggest success has been
		
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			to
		
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			understand
		
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			me.
		
00:14:25 --> 00:14:26
			Understand me.
		
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			Because so many times
		
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			that I
		
00:14:31 --> 00:14:32
			expected and wanted
		
00:14:33 --> 00:14:35
			for my husband to understand me. And that
		
00:14:35 --> 00:14:38
			used to really, really kill me because I
		
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			wanted him to understand me.
		
00:14:41 --> 00:14:42
			But only
		
00:14:42 --> 00:14:43
			when I
		
00:14:43 --> 00:14:44
			understood
		
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			myself,
		
00:14:48 --> 00:14:49
			that's when
		
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			my marriage changed.
		
00:14:53 --> 00:14:55
			It did not change before that.
		
00:14:57 --> 00:14:59
			I tried so hard,
		
00:14:59 --> 00:15:00
			so hard
		
00:15:01 --> 00:15:03
			before that to change it,
		
00:15:04 --> 00:15:05
			Trying
		
00:15:05 --> 00:15:08
			to get him to understand me.
		
00:15:08 --> 00:15:09
			Well, the tables are reversed.
		
00:15:12 --> 00:15:14
			I understand me.
		
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			And that
		
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			has been the transformation.
		
00:15:19 --> 00:15:20
			A real transformation
		
00:15:21 --> 00:15:22
			that happened
		
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			not because
		
00:15:25 --> 00:15:27
			I wanted him to change
		
00:15:28 --> 00:15:29
			and he changed,
		
00:15:29 --> 00:15:31
			and so my marriage transformed.
		
00:15:32 --> 00:15:32
			No.
		
00:15:34 --> 00:15:36
			Didn't do it like that.
		
00:15:37 --> 00:15:38
			I understood
		
00:15:38 --> 00:15:38
			me
		
00:15:39 --> 00:15:40
			and the transformation
		
00:15:41 --> 00:15:41
			that came,
		
00:15:42 --> 00:15:44
			came from within me.
		
00:15:46 --> 00:15:47
			It came from Allah.
		
00:15:49 --> 00:15:51
			It didn't come trying to get him to
		
00:15:51 --> 00:15:52
			change.
		
00:15:53 --> 00:15:55
			So my biggest success
		
00:15:57 --> 00:15:57
			was
		
00:15:59 --> 00:16:01
			the transformation from within.
		
00:16:02 --> 00:16:04
			And that was from Allah.
		
00:16:04 --> 00:16:06
			So I have to say that first.
		
00:16:08 --> 00:16:08
			And so
		
00:16:10 --> 00:16:13
			the way it happened was that I understood
		
00:16:13 --> 00:16:15
			the way I think.
		
00:16:17 --> 00:16:19
			I no longer think the way I used
		
00:16:19 --> 00:16:20
			to think before
		
00:16:21 --> 00:16:22
			about my husband.
		
00:16:23 --> 00:16:25
			And that was a real,
		
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			real change.
		
00:16:28 --> 00:16:30
			And rather than say change,
		
00:16:31 --> 00:16:32
			I'd like to
		
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			say awakening
		
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			because awakening
		
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			is permanent.
		
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			It's my consciousness,
		
00:16:43 --> 00:16:43
			my taqwa,
		
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			the Allah,
		
00:16:45 --> 00:16:46
			the Allah that
		
00:16:47 --> 00:16:48
			changed.
		
00:16:48 --> 00:16:51
			Like, I woke. I woke up.
		
00:16:51 --> 00:16:54
			And that was a gift and a blessing
		
00:16:54 --> 00:16:55
			from the almighty.
		
00:16:56 --> 00:16:58
			It doesn't just come.
		
00:16:58 --> 00:16:59
			It's like
		
00:16:59 --> 00:17:02
			I wanted I wanted it so bad.
		
00:17:03 --> 00:17:04
			And so
		
00:17:05 --> 00:17:06
			that was the biggest,
		
00:17:08 --> 00:17:09
			transformation
		
00:17:09 --> 00:17:10
			that came from within,
		
00:17:11 --> 00:17:14
			and I woke up to see it. I
		
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			woke up to see
		
00:17:16 --> 00:17:17
			the way I was thinking
		
00:17:17 --> 00:17:19
			about my husband.
		
00:17:20 --> 00:17:21
			And
		
00:17:21 --> 00:17:22
			when that happened,
		
00:17:24 --> 00:17:27
			I found the greatness in me,
		
00:17:28 --> 00:17:29
			in who I was.
		
00:17:31 --> 00:17:34
			And before I used to feel broke and
		
00:17:34 --> 00:17:37
			upset and I need fixing and I need
		
00:17:37 --> 00:17:38
			improving.
		
00:17:38 --> 00:17:40
			I need to do this and I need
		
00:17:40 --> 00:17:42
			to do that. And I I absolutely
		
00:17:42 --> 00:17:43
			devote
		
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			the whole of
		
00:17:46 --> 00:17:47
			Facebook and
		
00:17:47 --> 00:17:50
			Google and every book you can think of
		
00:17:50 --> 00:17:52
			and I did everything.
		
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			Everything.
		
00:17:55 --> 00:17:55
			And so
		
00:17:57 --> 00:17:58
			when I understood
		
00:17:59 --> 00:18:00
			the way I think,
		
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			my
		
00:18:04 --> 00:18:05
			everything changed
		
00:18:05 --> 00:18:06
			from,
		
00:18:07 --> 00:18:08
			being very loving,
		
00:18:10 --> 00:18:11
			very giving,
		
00:18:13 --> 00:18:13
			very,
		
00:18:15 --> 00:18:15
			forgiving
		
00:18:16 --> 00:18:17
			to myself first
		
00:18:20 --> 00:18:20
			and
		
00:18:21 --> 00:18:21
			grateful
		
00:18:22 --> 00:18:23
			gratitude
		
00:18:24 --> 00:18:26
			just fell from my lips.
		
00:18:26 --> 00:18:29
			I didn't have to do gratitude journals,
		
00:18:29 --> 00:18:30
			which I used to do.
		
00:18:32 --> 00:18:32
			Now
		
00:18:33 --> 00:18:34
			gratitude just
		
00:18:35 --> 00:18:35
			falls
		
00:18:36 --> 00:18:37
			from my lips
		
00:18:38 --> 00:18:39
			to the divine,
		
00:18:40 --> 00:18:43
			and I I it it can come anytime.
		
00:18:44 --> 00:18:45
			I don't know how I don't have to
		
00:18:45 --> 00:18:47
			make it. I don't have to be sitting
		
00:18:47 --> 00:18:49
			here. Oh my god. I've gotta be grateful.
		
00:18:49 --> 00:18:50
			I've gotta be grateful. No.
		
00:18:52 --> 00:18:52
			Allah
		
00:18:53 --> 00:18:54
			brings that
		
00:18:54 --> 00:18:55
			gratitude
		
00:18:56 --> 00:18:57
			through his wisdom,
		
00:18:58 --> 00:18:58
			through
		
00:18:59 --> 00:19:01
			my mind in the moment
		
00:19:01 --> 00:19:02
			because gratitude
		
00:19:03 --> 00:19:03
			is
		
00:19:04 --> 00:19:05
			in the moment.
		
00:19:07 --> 00:19:08
			So the success
		
00:19:10 --> 00:19:11
			blew my mind.
		
00:19:12 --> 00:19:15
			I did not expect it the way it
		
00:19:15 --> 00:19:15
			came.
		
00:19:17 --> 00:19:19
			I did not. I really did not.
		
00:19:21 --> 00:19:22
			It it's it's like
		
00:19:23 --> 00:19:25
			I I was searching for truth.
		
00:19:27 --> 00:19:28
			I really was all my life.
		
00:19:29 --> 00:19:31
			I searched for it. I searched for it.
		
00:19:31 --> 00:19:34
			And I've written a poem on it and
		
00:19:34 --> 00:19:35
			if you'd want me to share it I
		
00:19:36 --> 00:19:37
			I I
		
00:19:37 --> 00:19:37
			can
		
00:19:39 --> 00:19:42
			whenever you feel that there is time on
		
00:19:42 --> 00:19:42
			this,
		
00:19:43 --> 00:19:44
			but I want to give time
		
00:19:44 --> 00:19:45
			for the assistance.
		
00:19:48 --> 00:19:49
			That's so beautiful.
		
00:19:49 --> 00:19:52
			So would you say that the for you,
		
00:19:52 --> 00:19:54
			the you know, one of those things that
		
00:19:54 --> 00:19:56
			leads to the longevity in marriage is knowing
		
00:19:56 --> 00:19:57
			yourself
		
00:19:57 --> 00:20:00
			and just becoming aware of yourself and and
		
00:20:01 --> 00:20:02
			who you really are.
		
00:20:03 --> 00:20:04
			When I
		
00:20:05 --> 00:20:07
			was on the journey to know me, guess
		
00:20:07 --> 00:20:08
			what?
		
00:20:09 --> 00:20:10
			I knew a lot.
		
00:20:12 --> 00:20:15
			The one who knows his Lord
		
00:20:16 --> 00:20:16
			knows
		
00:20:17 --> 00:20:17
			himself.
		
00:20:20 --> 00:20:22
			The one who knows themselves
		
00:20:23 --> 00:20:24
			knows God.
		
00:20:26 --> 00:20:27
			And that
		
00:20:28 --> 00:20:29
			was so beautiful.
		
00:20:29 --> 00:20:32
			I cried and I cried and I cried,
		
00:20:32 --> 00:20:33
			my tears was
		
00:20:34 --> 00:20:34
			a gratitude.
		
00:20:35 --> 00:20:37
			I cried for days
		
00:20:37 --> 00:20:39
			because I've searched for it all my life
		
00:20:40 --> 00:20:42
			And here I was. I thought oh, my
		
00:20:42 --> 00:20:43
			God.
		
00:20:44 --> 00:20:44
			You Allah,
		
00:20:46 --> 00:20:48
			you have given me
		
00:20:48 --> 00:20:50
			something that I never expected
		
00:20:51 --> 00:20:53
			even though I prayed for it.
		
00:20:53 --> 00:20:56
			I prayed and prayed and prayed, but it
		
00:20:56 --> 00:20:59
			didn't come when I wanted it.
		
00:21:00 --> 00:21:00
			It came
		
00:21:01 --> 00:21:01
			when
		
00:21:02 --> 00:21:04
			he wanted me to see
		
00:21:04 --> 00:21:05
			the truth.
		
00:21:06 --> 00:21:07
			It came from him.
		
00:21:08 --> 00:21:09
			SubhanAllah.
		
00:21:09 --> 00:21:10
			SubhanAllah.
		
00:21:11 --> 00:21:13
			JazakAllah Khayr for sharing that with us,
		
00:21:14 --> 00:21:16
			you know people in the chat are you
		
00:21:16 --> 00:21:19
			know obviously it's resonating what you're saying mashaAllah
		
00:21:19 --> 00:21:19
			fantastic.
		
00:21:21 --> 00:21:23
			Omayesa, what would you say are the 3
		
00:21:23 --> 00:21:26
			things that lead to a marriage lasting? Allahumabarik.
		
00:21:27 --> 00:21:28
			Masha'Allah. So powerful. Yes.
		
00:21:32 --> 00:21:34
			I need you to unmute, inshallah.
		
00:21:41 --> 00:21:42
			You can hear me now. Right? Yes. We
		
00:21:42 --> 00:21:43
			can.
		
00:21:43 --> 00:21:45
			So I was saying I think perseverance is
		
00:21:45 --> 00:21:47
			one word that comes to mind. You know,
		
00:21:47 --> 00:21:49
			is having Saba,
		
00:21:49 --> 00:21:52
			with one another. You know? It's, I think
		
00:21:52 --> 00:21:54
			one of the things as well is that
		
00:21:54 --> 00:21:57
			whenever we do something, we should make our
		
00:21:57 --> 00:21:59
			intentions first for Allah.
		
00:21:59 --> 00:22:01
			If we're going to do something to please
		
00:22:01 --> 00:22:02
			our husbands,
		
00:22:02 --> 00:22:05
			we should solidify our intentions first and make
		
00:22:05 --> 00:22:06
			it for Allah
		
00:22:07 --> 00:22:08
			because
		
00:22:08 --> 00:22:10
			we have expectations. And
		
00:22:10 --> 00:22:12
			this is another thing, you know. It's it's
		
00:22:12 --> 00:22:14
			it's difficult to
		
00:22:16 --> 00:22:19
			do things or serve someone and then have
		
00:22:19 --> 00:22:21
			expectations as well. You know?
		
00:22:21 --> 00:22:22
			It's important that
		
00:22:23 --> 00:22:25
			expectations is something that causes pain. That's what
		
00:22:25 --> 00:22:28
			I think. Because they they might they may
		
00:22:28 --> 00:22:30
			not they may not appreciate what you've done.
		
00:22:30 --> 00:22:31
			They may not,
		
00:22:33 --> 00:22:34
			give you the reaction that you may want.
		
00:22:35 --> 00:22:36
			I think,
		
00:22:36 --> 00:22:39
			sometimes we expect to them to love us
		
00:22:39 --> 00:22:39
			how we
		
00:22:40 --> 00:22:41
			love them.
		
00:22:41 --> 00:22:43
			So I think if I'm going to give
		
00:22:43 --> 00:22:45
			an advice, I'd say, first of all, whatever
		
00:22:45 --> 00:22:47
			action you do, do it first for the
		
00:22:47 --> 00:22:48
			sake of Allah.
		
00:22:49 --> 00:22:50
			Solidify it because
		
00:22:51 --> 00:22:52
			however it is received,
		
00:22:53 --> 00:22:55
			if your intention is good, then your reward
		
00:22:55 --> 00:22:56
			is with Allah.
		
00:22:57 --> 00:22:59
			Sometimes you may feel disappointed.
		
00:23:00 --> 00:23:02
			I remember, you know, it might be that
		
00:23:02 --> 00:23:04
			you serve them and you want something from
		
00:23:04 --> 00:23:05
			them
		
00:23:05 --> 00:23:07
			of reaction, and they may not have reacted
		
00:23:07 --> 00:23:09
			the way you want. But if you do
		
00:23:09 --> 00:23:09
			things
		
00:23:10 --> 00:23:11
			for the sake of Allah,
		
00:23:12 --> 00:23:14
			no good deeds are left, are lost in
		
00:23:14 --> 00:23:15
			the sight of Allah.
		
00:23:16 --> 00:23:17
			So another thing I was saying is, obviously,
		
00:23:17 --> 00:23:19
			it comes down to, like, love languages as
		
00:23:19 --> 00:23:21
			well. You know, they say, like, the 5
		
00:23:21 --> 00:23:22
			love love languages.
		
00:23:23 --> 00:23:26
			Sometimes we tend to love people or love
		
00:23:26 --> 00:23:28
			love our spouses, love our husbands the way
		
00:23:28 --> 00:23:29
			that
		
00:23:29 --> 00:23:30
			we feel
		
00:23:31 --> 00:23:32
			we need to be loved.
		
00:23:32 --> 00:23:34
			It's important to love them how
		
00:23:35 --> 00:23:36
			what their needs are. We're all needy.
		
00:23:37 --> 00:23:38
			We're all needy when it comes down to
		
00:23:38 --> 00:23:39
			marriage.
		
00:23:39 --> 00:23:41
			We all have needs that need to be
		
00:23:41 --> 00:23:42
			fulfilled whether they're emotional
		
00:23:43 --> 00:23:44
			or whatever it is.
		
00:23:45 --> 00:23:47
			So give how
		
00:23:47 --> 00:23:49
			give how they they
		
00:23:50 --> 00:23:54
			fulfill their needs, how they they need it
		
00:23:54 --> 00:23:55
			fulfilled really.
		
00:23:55 --> 00:23:57
			You know, not necessarily how we would.
		
00:23:58 --> 00:23:58
			And then
		
00:24:00 --> 00:24:02
			not to kind of expect what we want,
		
00:24:03 --> 00:24:04
			love according to them.
		
00:24:07 --> 00:24:08
			There might be certain things that,
		
00:24:09 --> 00:24:11
			I might not necessarily like. I might not
		
00:24:11 --> 00:24:13
			be flattened by flattered by,
		
00:24:15 --> 00:24:17
			you know, an item of clothing, for instance.
		
00:24:17 --> 00:24:20
			But your partner might. Right? I might not
		
00:24:20 --> 00:24:20
			be
		
00:24:21 --> 00:24:22
			flattered by,
		
00:24:23 --> 00:24:25
			my a a night out in a fancy
		
00:24:25 --> 00:24:27
			restaurant. I might just be like, yeah, you
		
00:24:27 --> 00:24:29
			know, just give me time. That's more important.
		
00:24:29 --> 00:24:31
			So I think it's important to understand one
		
00:24:31 --> 00:24:31
			another
		
00:24:32 --> 00:24:34
			and to love them according to their
		
00:24:35 --> 00:24:37
			kind of, you know, needs.
		
00:24:39 --> 00:24:41
			They're not us. Their giving is different,
		
00:24:42 --> 00:24:42
			which is why,
		
00:24:43 --> 00:24:45
			we should look and see what he or
		
00:24:45 --> 00:24:47
			she needs. In our case, obviously, what our
		
00:24:47 --> 00:24:48
			husbands need
		
00:24:48 --> 00:24:50
			and how can we fulfill their needs.
		
00:24:52 --> 00:24:53
			I think that's,
		
00:24:54 --> 00:24:54
			you know,
		
00:24:55 --> 00:24:57
			one of the things I would say is,
		
00:24:57 --> 00:25:00
			you know, like I said, solidify your intentions
		
00:25:01 --> 00:25:02
			and make our actions really
		
00:25:03 --> 00:25:05
			invested with a lot of that dialogue.
		
00:25:06 --> 00:25:07
			I would say,
		
00:25:09 --> 00:25:10
			another one I would say is
		
00:25:11 --> 00:25:13
			spending time.
		
00:25:13 --> 00:25:14
			You know, sometimes,
		
00:25:14 --> 00:25:17
			like for me, I've got 6 kids.
		
00:25:17 --> 00:25:19
			Over time, you forget to
		
00:25:20 --> 00:25:21
			have time
		
00:25:22 --> 00:25:22
			alone
		
00:25:23 --> 00:25:24
			outside of the bedroom.
		
00:25:25 --> 00:25:28
			You know, it tends to be, you know,
		
00:25:28 --> 00:25:31
			talking, I think, just mainly about what to
		
00:25:31 --> 00:25:34
			buy in the house or kids or communication
		
00:25:34 --> 00:25:36
			just end up being about the running of
		
00:25:36 --> 00:25:37
			the home.
		
00:25:38 --> 00:25:40
			So I think it's really important to have
		
00:25:40 --> 00:25:41
			time set aside,
		
00:25:42 --> 00:25:43
			and you're involved in activity,
		
00:25:44 --> 00:25:45
			both for a walk.
		
00:25:46 --> 00:25:46
			For me,
		
00:25:47 --> 00:25:49
			cycling is very big at the moment. I'm
		
00:25:49 --> 00:25:51
			a cycling instructor. Many of the sisters know,
		
00:25:52 --> 00:25:54
			from me from Cycle Sisters as well.
		
00:25:54 --> 00:25:55
			So,
		
00:25:56 --> 00:25:58
			you know, my husband's an ardent cyclist as
		
00:25:58 --> 00:26:01
			well. So we go and cycle together,
		
00:26:01 --> 00:26:02
			and this is something that,
		
00:26:02 --> 00:26:03
			a lot of sisters,
		
00:26:04 --> 00:26:05
			have started to do now
		
00:26:06 --> 00:26:07
			in the evenings.
		
00:26:07 --> 00:26:07
			Maybe
		
00:26:08 --> 00:26:10
			if they've got older children, they could go
		
00:26:10 --> 00:26:12
			go for a cycle, go for a walk,
		
00:26:12 --> 00:26:14
			go for a drive, go for a coffee
		
00:26:14 --> 00:26:15
			on the weekends.
		
00:26:17 --> 00:26:18
			I think it's really important.
		
00:26:19 --> 00:26:21
			I can give so much, actually.
		
00:26:21 --> 00:26:22
			But,
		
00:26:23 --> 00:26:25
			let's give a chance to others to contribute,
		
00:26:25 --> 00:26:27
			inshallah. I know we've got quite a few.
		
00:26:28 --> 00:26:29
			Yeah. I mean, this is one of the
		
00:26:29 --> 00:26:32
			reasons why I said, I said only three
		
00:26:32 --> 00:26:35
			reasons because it's really hard actually to
		
00:26:35 --> 00:26:37
			to to pin it down, isn't it? But
		
00:26:37 --> 00:26:38
			sometimes when we have to pin it down,
		
00:26:39 --> 00:26:40
			we have to come with our very best
		
00:26:40 --> 00:26:43
			points, masha'Allah. Sister Zaina, what say you? What
		
00:26:43 --> 00:26:45
			are the three things that make a marriage
		
00:26:45 --> 00:26:46
			last
		
00:26:47 --> 00:26:48
			in your opinion?
		
00:26:50 --> 00:26:50
			Yeah.
		
00:26:51 --> 00:26:51
			Okay.
		
00:27:04 --> 00:27:07
			Before I go into answering the question, I
		
00:27:07 --> 00:27:08
			want to give a bit of context
		
00:27:09 --> 00:27:11
			to what my answer will be.
		
00:27:12 --> 00:27:13
			And it is that
		
00:27:14 --> 00:27:15
			I have been in 2 marriages.
		
00:27:16 --> 00:27:19
			One was abusive, and, alhamdulillah, I was able
		
00:27:19 --> 00:27:20
			to get out of it
		
00:27:20 --> 00:27:21
			very early.
		
00:27:22 --> 00:27:24
			And this marriage would have been in for
		
00:27:24 --> 00:27:26
			over 15 years, and alhamdulillah.
		
00:27:27 --> 00:27:29
			When I came into this marriage,
		
00:27:31 --> 00:27:32
			I did my
		
00:27:32 --> 00:27:33
			homework
		
00:27:33 --> 00:27:35
			before I agreed to marry my husband.
		
00:27:37 --> 00:27:38
			So I came into a marriage.
		
00:27:40 --> 00:27:43
			I wasn't really expecting problems, and at hand,
		
00:27:43 --> 00:27:45
			like I say, I've had major problems. And
		
00:27:45 --> 00:27:46
			that is because
		
00:27:47 --> 00:27:49
			contrasting with where I was coming from, where
		
00:27:49 --> 00:27:50
			I had experienced before.
		
00:27:53 --> 00:27:54
			I don't I mean, it's, like,
		
00:27:55 --> 00:27:57
			what would they I don't think there's anything
		
00:27:59 --> 00:28:00
			that can be done again.
		
00:28:01 --> 00:28:02
			So long as I had done my homework,
		
00:28:02 --> 00:28:04
			I knew that this person is not this
		
00:28:04 --> 00:28:06
			kind of person I married before. So it's
		
00:28:06 --> 00:28:07
			like
		
00:28:07 --> 00:28:09
			I'm in this place, like,
		
00:28:09 --> 00:28:11
			is like it's already, like, beautiful
		
00:28:12 --> 00:28:14
			before I even get in.
		
00:28:15 --> 00:28:15
			So
		
00:28:16 --> 00:28:18
			it was okay. I didn't think the marriage
		
00:28:18 --> 00:28:19
			was gonna be a problem.
		
00:28:19 --> 00:28:22
			What happened was I came into the marriage
		
00:28:23 --> 00:28:25
			being a problem for me.
		
00:28:29 --> 00:28:29
			So
		
00:28:30 --> 00:28:31
			the three things
		
00:28:32 --> 00:28:33
			that
		
00:28:35 --> 00:28:36
			I believe would
		
00:28:37 --> 00:28:39
			make a marriage work,
		
00:28:40 --> 00:28:41
			first is
		
00:28:43 --> 00:28:44
			you understanding
		
00:28:45 --> 00:28:45
			that
		
00:28:47 --> 00:28:47
			marriage
		
00:28:48 --> 00:28:49
			is a creation.
		
00:28:53 --> 00:28:56
			It's like a work of art.
		
00:29:00 --> 00:29:01
			You put in love,
		
00:29:04 --> 00:29:04
			dedication.
		
00:29:05 --> 00:29:07
			There's a lot of exploration.
		
00:29:07 --> 00:29:08
			There's a lot of experimentation.
		
00:29:09 --> 00:29:11
			A work of art. You're wanting to create
		
00:29:11 --> 00:29:12
			a masterpiece.
		
00:29:12 --> 00:29:14
			You don't go into it. You don't
		
00:29:15 --> 00:29:16
			in that process,
		
00:29:17 --> 00:29:17
			rush yourself
		
00:29:18 --> 00:29:20
			or judge yourself
		
00:29:20 --> 00:29:22
			or beat yourself up,
		
00:29:23 --> 00:29:24
			because that's what art is,
		
00:29:25 --> 00:29:27
			it's a process to enjoy.
		
00:29:28 --> 00:29:30
			So being able to understand that it is
		
00:29:30 --> 00:29:33
			a creation, it's something you create, it's co
		
00:29:33 --> 00:29:33
			created.
		
00:29:35 --> 00:29:37
			So what it means is that if it's
		
00:29:37 --> 00:29:38
			a cocreation,
		
00:29:39 --> 00:29:40
			that means
		
00:29:41 --> 00:29:43
			that whatever each of the part
		
00:29:46 --> 00:29:48
			is bringing to the marriage
		
00:29:51 --> 00:29:52
			is what creates
		
00:29:53 --> 00:29:56
			whether it's whatever my own part part what
		
00:29:56 --> 00:29:57
			I was bringing into the marriage
		
00:29:58 --> 00:30:00
			was me feeling I was a problem, living
		
00:30:00 --> 00:30:02
			in the state of being a problem for
		
00:30:02 --> 00:30:02
			me.
		
00:30:03 --> 00:30:04
			Before we got married,
		
00:30:04 --> 00:30:05
			because I
		
00:30:06 --> 00:30:08
			had a very serious anger issue
		
00:30:09 --> 00:30:11
			which if there is a I might go
		
00:30:11 --> 00:30:13
			into the genesis but might not be relevant.
		
00:30:14 --> 00:30:16
			However, I remember that there was a time
		
00:30:16 --> 00:30:19
			before we got married that I, wanted to
		
00:30:19 --> 00:30:22
			talk to wanted to talk to. I I
		
00:30:22 --> 00:30:23
			went I had a a meet up with
		
00:30:23 --> 00:30:24
			my,
		
00:30:24 --> 00:30:27
			before then then I was he was asking
		
00:30:27 --> 00:30:28
			to marry me and all that, and then
		
00:30:28 --> 00:30:30
			he didn't come up on time. I was
		
00:30:30 --> 00:30:31
			mad.
		
00:30:32 --> 00:30:34
			Like, I told his friend that I really
		
00:30:34 --> 00:30:37
			like, you know when somebody blows up?
		
00:30:37 --> 00:30:39
			I was upset, I was like a keg
		
00:30:39 --> 00:30:42
			of gumbo, I blew up. I just basically
		
00:30:43 --> 00:30:45
			spewed onto this friend of his.
		
00:30:45 --> 00:30:47
			Of course, I didn't like it, but that
		
00:30:47 --> 00:30:49
			was what I was showing up then.
		
00:30:50 --> 00:30:52
			He still married me,
		
00:30:53 --> 00:30:54
			so I don't know what he saw anyway.
		
00:30:54 --> 00:30:56
			I, I asked him,
		
00:30:57 --> 00:30:58
			I asked, I've asked him after that and
		
00:30:58 --> 00:31:00
			said, I mean, but why did you marry
		
00:31:00 --> 00:31:02
			me when you knew I had all this
		
00:31:02 --> 00:31:02
			stuff?
		
00:31:03 --> 00:31:05
			He was like, well I just knew that,
		
00:31:05 --> 00:31:07
			if you get angry to that point, I
		
00:31:07 --> 00:31:09
			mean, I just need to just douse a
		
00:31:09 --> 00:31:10
			lot of cold water on
		
00:31:10 --> 00:31:12
			so you'll be fine. I knew I could
		
00:31:12 --> 00:31:13
			handle it,
		
00:31:14 --> 00:31:14
			so that
		
00:31:18 --> 00:31:20
			was what he brought into the marriage, but
		
00:31:20 --> 00:31:22
			on my own part I had an experience
		
00:31:22 --> 00:31:25
			in life where I came from being sexually
		
00:31:25 --> 00:31:27
			abused at 9 years old, by the time
		
00:31:27 --> 00:31:28
			I was 11 years old I was exposed
		
00:31:28 --> 00:31:30
			repeatedly to explicit material
		
00:31:31 --> 00:31:33
			which basically messed up my head because we
		
00:31:33 --> 00:31:34
			know that's what * does,
		
00:31:35 --> 00:31:36
			and then I was so I just basically
		
00:31:36 --> 00:31:39
			had no self confidence, almost no sense of
		
00:31:39 --> 00:31:39
			self worth,
		
00:31:41 --> 00:31:43
			self esteem, 0 basically.
		
00:31:43 --> 00:31:45
			I went through life like that, I was
		
00:31:45 --> 00:31:47
			angry at the world and all that, went
		
00:31:47 --> 00:31:47
			into
		
00:31:48 --> 00:31:50
			an abusive marriage. I mean, I basically walked
		
00:31:50 --> 00:31:52
			into it eyes wide open, so that was
		
00:31:52 --> 00:31:54
			so I had all that baggage, so I
		
00:31:54 --> 00:31:56
			was in the marriage with it.
		
00:31:56 --> 00:31:57
			But
		
00:31:58 --> 00:32:00
			when so, the marriage was fine.
		
00:32:01 --> 00:32:03
			Alhamdulillah, I was okay.
		
00:32:04 --> 00:32:05
			But, I wasn't okay.
		
00:32:06 --> 00:32:07
			So I couldn't experience
		
00:32:08 --> 00:32:10
			the fact that I was in a marriage
		
00:32:10 --> 00:32:12
			that wasn't troubled like many others.
		
00:32:14 --> 00:32:16
			I was basically suffering
		
00:32:16 --> 00:32:19
			in a marriage that should be okay, that
		
00:32:19 --> 00:32:22
			is really okay. So what happened is,
		
00:32:22 --> 00:32:24
			of course, I wanted to fix myself, I
		
00:32:24 --> 00:32:27
			was broken, I did so much personal development
		
00:32:27 --> 00:32:28
			work, all kinds of stuff.
		
00:32:29 --> 00:32:32
			I spent 1,000 of dollars on personal development
		
00:32:32 --> 00:32:33
			trying to fix myself
		
00:32:34 --> 00:32:36
			and, alhamdulillah, I got to the point where
		
00:32:36 --> 00:32:38
			I was able to understand how the mind
		
00:32:38 --> 00:32:41
			works and how we create our own experiences,
		
00:32:42 --> 00:32:43
			and that helped me
		
00:32:43 --> 00:32:46
			drop off all these baggage.
		
00:32:46 --> 00:32:47
			That was when
		
00:32:48 --> 00:32:50
			I started to see that
		
00:32:50 --> 00:32:52
			this marriage could be a masterpiece.
		
00:32:54 --> 00:32:57
			So, that second point is the fact that
		
00:32:57 --> 00:32:58
			we need to
		
00:33:00 --> 00:33:01
			see yourself
		
00:33:01 --> 00:33:04
			in the mirror for how you're showing up.
		
00:33:05 --> 00:33:06
			It's not about judgment.
		
00:33:07 --> 00:33:08
			It is
		
00:33:09 --> 00:33:10
			compassion.
		
00:33:11 --> 00:33:13
			So for me, that was the one thing
		
00:33:14 --> 00:33:15
			that I'd see
		
00:33:16 --> 00:33:17
			changed
		
00:33:18 --> 00:33:18
			the game.
		
00:33:19 --> 00:33:21
			Being compassionate with myself through everything
		
00:33:22 --> 00:33:24
			that I had experienced in life and how
		
00:33:24 --> 00:33:24
			I was seeing it,
		
00:33:25 --> 00:33:27
			and then bringing that compassion to my husband.
		
00:33:27 --> 00:33:29
			Because, of course, I mean, yeah, he's a
		
00:33:29 --> 00:33:31
			great guy, but he's not perfect either.
		
00:33:32 --> 00:33:32
			But
		
00:33:33 --> 00:33:34
			living with compassion,
		
00:33:35 --> 00:33:36
			seeing through compassion.
		
00:33:38 --> 00:33:39
			And the third one
		
00:33:40 --> 00:33:42
			is seeking for help,
		
00:33:44 --> 00:33:46
			seeking Allah's help.
		
00:33:47 --> 00:33:48
			And I know that was what took me
		
00:33:48 --> 00:33:51
			to that transformation that I experienced because
		
00:33:51 --> 00:33:52
			one of
		
00:33:53 --> 00:33:54
			my biggest duas
		
00:33:54 --> 00:33:55
			was
		
00:33:57 --> 00:33:58
			Yajabar
		
00:33:59 --> 00:33:59
			Uchburini,
		
00:34:01 --> 00:34:03
			because that was how I felt, I was,
		
00:34:03 --> 00:34:04
			I felt broken.
		
00:34:04 --> 00:34:06
			Even though I had everything going on for
		
00:34:06 --> 00:34:08
			me, I had beautiful kids. I had a
		
00:34:08 --> 00:34:10
			great career. I had everything on the outside,
		
00:34:10 --> 00:34:12
			success boxes ticked, but I wasn't
		
00:34:13 --> 00:34:14
			okay on the inside.
		
00:34:14 --> 00:34:17
			I asked Allah for help and Allah helped
		
00:34:17 --> 00:34:17
			me.
		
00:34:19 --> 00:34:21
			I could go on and on, but then,
		
00:34:21 --> 00:34:24
			because the beauty of Al Jabbar is the
		
00:34:24 --> 00:34:27
			fact that the way he mends a broken
		
00:34:27 --> 00:34:27
			bone
		
00:34:28 --> 00:34:30
			is how he mends you, But it doesn't
		
00:34:30 --> 00:34:32
			mean you mend all at once.
		
00:34:33 --> 00:34:35
			You mend in faces,
		
00:34:36 --> 00:34:38
			and that was experience I had. And at
		
00:34:38 --> 00:34:40
			this point in time I can see I
		
00:34:40 --> 00:34:42
			have gotten to, I mean, I've experienced that,
		
00:34:42 --> 00:34:44
			I know there's, there's no peak, there's a
		
00:34:44 --> 00:34:47
			long, there's more to go. I've gotten to
		
00:34:47 --> 00:34:50
			this point where in the creation of my
		
00:34:50 --> 00:34:50
			marriage
		
00:34:50 --> 00:34:52
			I make naughty do ours.
		
00:34:53 --> 00:34:54
			There's this one I'm going to share it's
		
00:34:54 --> 00:34:55
			like yeah
		
00:34:55 --> 00:34:57
			this is what I made recently because a
		
00:34:57 --> 00:34:59
			lot of like things are fine but yeah
		
00:34:59 --> 00:35:01
			it can be more fun I say that
		
00:35:01 --> 00:35:02
			Allah
		
00:35:03 --> 00:35:06
			let's have doing intimacy let's have multiple orgies
		
00:35:06 --> 00:35:07
			so that I can praise you.
		
00:35:07 --> 00:35:09
			That's kind of the ones I make now
		
00:35:09 --> 00:35:10
			just for fun
		
00:35:11 --> 00:35:13
			but I take action as well.
		
00:35:14 --> 00:35:16
			The other part of seeking help is seek
		
00:35:16 --> 00:35:17
			professional help
		
00:35:18 --> 00:35:19
			for you
		
00:35:20 --> 00:35:22
			Because I struggle all through this myself,
		
00:35:23 --> 00:35:23
			thinking
		
00:35:24 --> 00:35:26
			I don't have to tell anyone, but asking
		
00:35:26 --> 00:35:29
			for help from Allah and then from people
		
00:35:29 --> 00:35:30
			helped put me
		
00:35:31 --> 00:35:33
			where I was able to experience that
		
00:35:34 --> 00:35:35
			transformation
		
00:35:36 --> 00:35:36
			from within.
		
00:35:37 --> 00:35:38
			It wasn't about the things I was doing
		
00:35:38 --> 00:35:41
			outside because I did everything, everything we did
		
00:35:41 --> 00:35:43
			as wise, learn to make makeup, I hate
		
00:35:43 --> 00:35:44
			makeup, but I learned to do makeup and
		
00:35:44 --> 00:35:46
			stuff but that didn't
		
00:35:46 --> 00:35:49
			help. The change, just like sister Ruby said,
		
00:35:49 --> 00:35:50
			it happened within.
		
00:35:51 --> 00:35:53
			So right now the co creation of this
		
00:35:53 --> 00:35:54
			marriage is
		
00:35:55 --> 00:35:56
			more fun.
		
00:35:56 --> 00:35:58
			So even when anything goes wrong, yeah, but
		
00:35:58 --> 00:36:00
			experience a lot of things, financial sector, everything,
		
00:36:00 --> 00:36:02
			but then that is what it is
		
00:36:03 --> 00:36:03
			and
		
00:36:03 --> 00:36:05
			the experience of it is different.
		
00:36:06 --> 00:36:07
			So I gotta, I think I need to
		
00:36:07 --> 00:36:09
			stop now so I don't like take up
		
00:36:09 --> 00:36:10
			the whole time,
		
00:36:14 --> 00:36:14
			Inshallah.
		
00:36:15 --> 00:36:15
			Just
		
00:36:16 --> 00:36:17
			a really
		
00:36:17 --> 00:36:20
			a really a really, really moving account mashallah,
		
00:36:20 --> 00:36:21
			very soothing.
		
00:36:22 --> 00:36:22
			And,
		
00:36:22 --> 00:36:25
			you know, you mentioned something right at the
		
00:36:25 --> 00:36:26
			end where you said
		
00:36:26 --> 00:36:27
			it's not the circumstances,
		
00:36:28 --> 00:36:29
			because
		
00:36:30 --> 00:36:33
			and everyone, I think, on this panel can
		
00:36:33 --> 00:36:34
			attest to the fact that
		
00:36:35 --> 00:36:38
			any couple that's been together for over 2
		
00:36:38 --> 00:36:41
			years, 3 years, into 5, 7, 9, you
		
00:36:41 --> 00:36:42
			know, 10,
		
00:36:43 --> 00:36:44
			12, etcetera,
		
00:36:45 --> 00:36:46
			have been through some trials.
		
00:36:47 --> 00:36:49
			And the thing is, this is this life.
		
00:36:49 --> 00:36:52
			Isn't it? This life this this dunya is
		
00:36:52 --> 00:36:54
			a place of test and examination.
		
00:36:55 --> 00:36:56
			So whether the test is,
		
00:36:57 --> 00:36:57
			you know,
		
00:36:58 --> 00:37:00
			in laws or or or or, you know,
		
00:37:00 --> 00:37:03
			elderly relatives or, you know, your mother getting
		
00:37:03 --> 00:37:05
			sick or, you know, like we had today,
		
00:37:05 --> 00:37:05
			infertility,
		
00:37:06 --> 00:37:08
			you know, or having many children at once
		
00:37:08 --> 00:37:11
			and struggling their financial situations, health worries,
		
00:37:12 --> 00:37:14
			you know, things to do with other people
		
00:37:14 --> 00:37:16
			around us, you know, moving countries, living apart,
		
00:37:16 --> 00:37:19
			all of these different things that many of
		
00:37:19 --> 00:37:20
			us have dealt with.
		
00:37:20 --> 00:37:22
			What I I think the message that I
		
00:37:22 --> 00:37:24
			would like to make sure that we convey
		
00:37:24 --> 00:37:26
			to everybody who's listening,
		
00:37:26 --> 00:37:28
			especially the unmarried ones,
		
00:37:29 --> 00:37:29
			is that
		
00:37:30 --> 00:37:33
			life will throw you curve balls regardless.
		
00:37:34 --> 00:37:34
			Okay.
		
00:37:35 --> 00:37:37
			It's not just, oh, you're married therefore life
		
00:37:37 --> 00:37:39
			is tough. You know, because we're all here.
		
00:37:39 --> 00:37:41
			We're talking about marriage and we're talking about
		
00:37:41 --> 00:37:43
			ups and downs. The reality is that life
		
00:37:43 --> 00:37:46
			is like that. It's simply a different a
		
00:37:46 --> 00:37:49
			different form of those challenges and those tests
		
00:37:49 --> 00:37:51
			and those trials. And we
		
00:37:51 --> 00:37:53
			know, we know for a surety that those
		
00:37:53 --> 00:37:55
			tests and trials are not here to break
		
00:37:55 --> 00:37:58
			us rather they are here to elevate us
		
00:37:58 --> 00:38:00
			and make us better versions of ourselves. And
		
00:38:00 --> 00:38:03
			Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala puts barakah in those
		
00:38:03 --> 00:38:03
			tests.
		
00:38:03 --> 00:38:05
			So I love the fact that you mentioned
		
00:38:05 --> 00:38:07
			you know we've been through this we've been
		
00:38:07 --> 00:38:08
			through that we've been through this and everyone
		
00:38:08 --> 00:38:10
			on this panel I know that you can
		
00:38:10 --> 00:38:12
			say the exact same thing I could say
		
00:38:12 --> 00:38:14
			the same thing as well. Anyone else probably
		
00:38:14 --> 00:38:16
			who's married can say the same thing.
		
00:38:17 --> 00:38:18
			The difference is
		
00:38:18 --> 00:38:18
			our
		
00:38:19 --> 00:38:21
			experience of that, maybe in the moment because
		
00:38:21 --> 00:38:24
			of where we were emotionally, but also
		
00:38:24 --> 00:38:26
			our memory of that.
		
00:38:27 --> 00:38:28
			Because things happen.
		
00:38:29 --> 00:38:31
			We process those things and we understand them
		
00:38:31 --> 00:38:33
			in a particular way and therefore we feel
		
00:38:33 --> 00:38:36
			a particular way about them and that's in
		
00:38:36 --> 00:38:39
			the moment. But then 1, 2, 3 years
		
00:38:39 --> 00:38:39
			later,
		
00:38:40 --> 00:38:42
			when you think back on it, subhanAllah.
		
00:38:43 --> 00:38:45
			It's it's a different ballgame. Right? I mean
		
00:38:45 --> 00:38:47
			guys, what do you think? I mean, I
		
00:38:47 --> 00:38:48
			think that when you look back on some
		
00:38:48 --> 00:38:50
			of those tests and those trials that you
		
00:38:50 --> 00:38:52
			may have gone through, you know, whether it
		
00:38:52 --> 00:38:54
			was, like I said, all the different things
		
00:38:54 --> 00:38:56
			that people go through when they're doing life
		
00:38:56 --> 00:38:57
			as a family.
		
00:38:58 --> 00:39:00
			Maybe in that moment, in that time, it
		
00:39:00 --> 00:39:03
			was so tough. It was so challenging. It
		
00:39:03 --> 00:39:05
			was, you know, maybe the worst experience of
		
00:39:05 --> 00:39:06
			your life. And then
		
00:39:07 --> 00:39:08
			a year, 2, 3 years later,
		
00:39:09 --> 00:39:11
			you look back and you say, you know
		
00:39:11 --> 00:39:13
			what? That, that made us, you know, or
		
00:39:13 --> 00:39:15
			that, that made us closer
		
00:39:15 --> 00:39:18
			or I really gained respect for you in
		
00:39:18 --> 00:39:21
			that moment, you know, or I realized I
		
00:39:21 --> 00:39:23
			could trust you in that moment when we
		
00:39:23 --> 00:39:24
			were in that trial.
		
00:39:25 --> 00:39:26
			What do you guys think about that? Would
		
00:39:26 --> 00:39:28
			you say that that's that that's true? Because
		
00:39:28 --> 00:39:30
			that's certainly been my experience of of marriage,
		
00:39:30 --> 00:39:32
			you know, for the long term.
		
00:39:36 --> 00:39:37
			Yeah. Definitely.
		
00:39:39 --> 00:39:40
			We do
		
00:39:40 --> 00:39:42
			like you said, there are so many trials
		
00:39:42 --> 00:39:43
			in life,
		
00:39:44 --> 00:39:47
			and we often sometimes we blame people,
		
00:39:47 --> 00:39:49
			and we say, why is this happening to
		
00:39:49 --> 00:39:51
			me? We lose our dean, or we start
		
00:39:51 --> 00:39:54
			blaming our partner. We blame our in laws,
		
00:39:54 --> 00:39:55
			everybody else.
		
00:39:56 --> 00:39:57
			But,
		
00:39:57 --> 00:39:58
			like, some of the things, like, I've we
		
00:39:59 --> 00:40:00
			me and my husband went free fertility
		
00:40:00 --> 00:40:02
			the first 5 years of our marriage, and
		
00:40:03 --> 00:40:05
			now I have the love for 4 children.
		
00:40:05 --> 00:40:07
			I've just had a long surprise long, long
		
00:40:07 --> 00:40:08
			baby.
		
00:40:09 --> 00:40:11
			You know, I'm on the fucking thing
		
00:40:11 --> 00:40:13
			of those times, and it was difficult.
		
00:40:14 --> 00:40:16
			It was really difficult going through that and
		
00:40:16 --> 00:40:18
			tests and hospitals and, you know, it must
		
00:40:18 --> 00:40:19
			be very difficult for my husband as well.
		
00:40:19 --> 00:40:22
			Like, we often forget about the other person's
		
00:40:22 --> 00:40:24
			feelings of how they are, especially
		
00:40:24 --> 00:40:26
			when there's a lot of things when we
		
00:40:26 --> 00:40:27
			are kind of wrapped up in our own
		
00:40:28 --> 00:40:29
			difficulties.
		
00:40:29 --> 00:40:31
			We kind of we forget. And, again, what
		
00:40:31 --> 00:40:33
			the other system mentioned about reaching out and
		
00:40:33 --> 00:40:35
			getting help, it's not just about getting help
		
00:40:35 --> 00:40:37
			from outside your marriage. It's about getting help
		
00:40:37 --> 00:40:38
			from your partner
		
00:40:38 --> 00:40:39
			as well.
		
00:40:39 --> 00:40:41
			And, you know, asking them,
		
00:40:41 --> 00:40:43
			you know, I need help.
		
00:40:44 --> 00:40:46
			You know? If they because sometimes
		
00:40:46 --> 00:40:49
			we we especially as women, we can walk
		
00:40:49 --> 00:40:51
			around in a mood all day, and our
		
00:40:51 --> 00:40:53
			husband's some the search sometimes is such so
		
00:40:53 --> 00:40:54
			so simple.
		
00:40:55 --> 00:40:56
			I think I saw a Mimi the other
		
00:40:56 --> 00:40:57
			day. It was a woman. She wrote this
		
00:40:57 --> 00:40:59
			big long text about, oh, my husband was
		
00:40:59 --> 00:41:00
			really quiet in the car, and I think
		
00:41:00 --> 00:41:02
			he's gonna finish me. And it was what
		
00:41:02 --> 00:41:04
			he was thinking was is there was something
		
00:41:04 --> 00:41:06
			wrong with his motorbike. It was like you
		
00:41:06 --> 00:41:07
			know? So we kinda misunderstanding
		
00:41:08 --> 00:41:09
			the marriage as well.
		
00:41:13 --> 00:41:14
			Yeah. 100%,
		
00:41:14 --> 00:41:15
			subhanAllah.
		
00:41:15 --> 00:41:17
			Okay. So I had another question for everybody
		
00:41:17 --> 00:41:19
			which, you know, inshallah, I'd love for you
		
00:41:19 --> 00:41:21
			to answer as candidly as possible.
		
00:41:22 --> 00:41:23
			Even if it's a bit cringe,
		
00:41:24 --> 00:41:25
			but I would like to know from every
		
00:41:25 --> 00:41:28
			one of you, what is one like really
		
00:41:29 --> 00:41:31
			big mistake you made early on? Like what
		
00:41:31 --> 00:41:33
			were you doing early on
		
00:41:33 --> 00:41:35
			that may have been sabotaging
		
00:41:35 --> 00:41:38
			and your marriage and that may have actually
		
00:41:38 --> 00:41:40
			sabotaged your marriage if you hadn't
		
00:41:40 --> 00:41:42
			stopped doing it or changed what you were
		
00:41:42 --> 00:41:43
			doing? What are your thought?
		
00:41:49 --> 00:41:51
			You'll need to unmute,
		
00:41:52 --> 00:41:54
			Somebody has to speak.
		
00:41:54 --> 00:41:55
			I'll speak again.
		
00:41:56 --> 00:41:57
			I think he was trying to be too
		
00:41:57 --> 00:41:58
			independent
		
00:41:59 --> 00:41:59
			Yeah.
		
00:42:00 --> 00:42:02
			Which I know a lot of this is
		
00:42:02 --> 00:42:04
			probably gonna go totally against the grain of
		
00:42:04 --> 00:42:07
			every single kind of narrative that is out
		
00:42:07 --> 00:42:09
			there at the moment. You know, we have
		
00:42:09 --> 00:42:11
			to be look at the, you know, the
		
00:42:11 --> 00:42:12
			example of the leader,
		
00:42:13 --> 00:42:15
			She was a businesswoman. She was strong. She
		
00:42:15 --> 00:42:17
			was divorcee and all that sort of thing.
		
00:42:17 --> 00:42:17
			But,
		
00:42:18 --> 00:42:19
			yes, that's amazing.
		
00:42:20 --> 00:42:21
			She was an amazing woman, but
		
00:42:22 --> 00:42:24
			I was trying to be too independent. And,
		
00:42:24 --> 00:42:26
			obviously, that was coming from a personal experience
		
00:42:26 --> 00:42:26
			because
		
00:42:26 --> 00:42:28
			I wasn't even on my own for a
		
00:42:28 --> 00:42:28
			long time.
		
00:42:30 --> 00:42:32
			I was my independent person. I had a
		
00:42:32 --> 00:42:34
			job. I had this and had that, And
		
00:42:34 --> 00:42:35
			I was trying to kinda hang on to
		
00:42:35 --> 00:42:37
			that. Again, it goes back to the being
		
00:42:37 --> 00:42:39
			trying to I was trying to be in
		
00:42:39 --> 00:42:40
			a partnership.
		
00:42:41 --> 00:42:42
			And I I wasn't sorry. I wasn't trying
		
00:42:42 --> 00:42:44
			to be in a partnership. I was still
		
00:42:44 --> 00:42:45
			you know, that was me and I want
		
00:42:45 --> 00:42:47
			my own life kind of thing. But you
		
00:42:47 --> 00:42:48
			have to kind of adjust.
		
00:42:49 --> 00:42:51
			And, again, I'll go back to what I
		
00:42:51 --> 00:42:54
			said earlier, the compromise thing. And it's not
		
00:42:54 --> 00:42:57
			making compromises in a negative way.
		
00:42:57 --> 00:42:59
			It's, it's more than a mutual understanding as
		
00:42:59 --> 00:43:02
			well. It's sometimes giving up a couple of
		
00:43:02 --> 00:43:03
			things that you like
		
00:43:04 --> 00:43:06
			for the sake of your marriage or a
		
00:43:06 --> 00:43:07
			couple of things that
		
00:43:08 --> 00:43:09
			you think, okay. Fine. This is you know,
		
00:43:09 --> 00:43:11
			it can be anything. It can be like
		
00:43:12 --> 00:43:14
			going out with your friends too much. It
		
00:43:14 --> 00:43:14
			can
		
00:43:15 --> 00:43:17
			be working long hours in a certain job.
		
00:43:17 --> 00:43:18
			It can be
		
00:43:18 --> 00:43:20
			so many different things, not being able to
		
00:43:20 --> 00:43:22
			cook or your husband not being able to
		
00:43:22 --> 00:43:23
			cook, and you want him to cook more
		
00:43:23 --> 00:43:25
			or he wants you to cook more. There
		
00:43:25 --> 00:43:26
			are so many different little things.
		
00:43:27 --> 00:43:29
			You know? If you don't cook, learn how
		
00:43:29 --> 00:43:29
			to cook.
		
00:43:30 --> 00:43:31
			If you
		
00:43:31 --> 00:43:33
			there's a job that you want, but you're
		
00:43:33 --> 00:43:35
			gonna be working long hours
		
00:43:36 --> 00:43:37
			and you're not gonna be at home, that's
		
00:43:37 --> 00:43:39
			gonna affect your marriage.
		
00:43:40 --> 00:43:42
			Yeah. These little things, it will affect your
		
00:43:42 --> 00:43:44
			marriage. If you're gonna be out long hours,
		
00:43:44 --> 00:43:46
			it will affect your marriage. No matter what
		
00:43:46 --> 00:43:47
			anyone else says,
		
00:43:47 --> 00:43:49
			At these days, you know, obviously, we in
		
00:43:49 --> 00:43:51
			the western world, 2 people do have to
		
00:43:51 --> 00:43:52
			work a lot of the time. Alhamdulillah.
		
00:43:52 --> 00:43:53
			I've been blessed that
		
00:43:54 --> 00:43:56
			I I've been I have been a, you
		
00:43:56 --> 00:43:58
			know, a housewife and a homemaker.
		
00:43:59 --> 00:44:01
			But, you know, there are things that sometimes
		
00:44:01 --> 00:44:02
			you do have to give up. And at
		
00:44:02 --> 00:44:04
			the time, it can feel really difficult, and
		
00:44:04 --> 00:44:07
			you can sometimes have other people whispering away
		
00:44:07 --> 00:44:08
			and say, oh, what are you doing that
		
00:44:08 --> 00:44:10
			for? You're this. You you deserve more and
		
00:44:10 --> 00:44:13
			all this kind of thing. But it's not
		
00:44:13 --> 00:44:15
			necessarily a negative thing because in a a
		
00:44:15 --> 00:44:16
			year or so time, you think, why was
		
00:44:16 --> 00:44:18
			I being so trivial or trivial of that
		
00:44:18 --> 00:44:21
			small thing about me wanting to work long
		
00:44:21 --> 00:44:23
			hours and work away or do a job
		
00:44:23 --> 00:44:25
			that I thought was gonna fulfill me, but
		
00:44:25 --> 00:44:27
			it wasn't fulfilling my marriage.
		
00:44:27 --> 00:44:30
			It's kind of having the full trying to
		
00:44:30 --> 00:44:31
			have a bit of foresight for that as
		
00:44:31 --> 00:44:32
			well.
		
00:44:32 --> 00:44:34
			And, again, I am quite a traditional person.
		
00:44:35 --> 00:44:37
			I am a traditional person in the sense
		
00:44:37 --> 00:44:39
			where I do I am at home. I
		
00:44:39 --> 00:44:41
			do kind of the cooking, and I look
		
00:44:41 --> 00:44:43
			after the children. My husband does, alhamdulillah. He
		
00:44:43 --> 00:44:45
			does, but he works full time. And I
		
00:44:45 --> 00:44:47
			don't expect him to come home and do
		
00:44:48 --> 00:44:49
			the housework and the cooking and the cleaning
		
00:44:49 --> 00:44:51
			and look after the kids. We all do
		
00:44:51 --> 00:44:52
			that when my husband comes home and throw
		
00:44:52 --> 00:44:54
			the bag at him and run off to
		
00:44:54 --> 00:44:56
			the toilet and things like that. But, you
		
00:44:56 --> 00:44:58
			know, I am a traditional person in that
		
00:44:58 --> 00:44:59
			sense, and I think
		
00:45:00 --> 00:45:03
			that's probably gonna be very, very surprising to
		
00:45:03 --> 00:45:04
			a lot of people because a lot of
		
00:45:04 --> 00:45:06
			people see me. They see me. I'm visible
		
00:45:07 --> 00:45:08
			online. I'm outspoken.
		
00:45:09 --> 00:45:11
			You know, I do what I wanna do.
		
00:45:11 --> 00:45:12
			I do a lot of things online, but
		
00:45:12 --> 00:45:14
			that's because I've got the support of my
		
00:45:14 --> 00:45:16
			husband as well. But, you know, I am
		
00:45:16 --> 00:45:18
			traditional in the sense of the way that
		
00:45:18 --> 00:45:21
			our marriage is set up. And where where
		
00:45:21 --> 00:45:23
			maybe that has been a success factor for
		
00:45:23 --> 00:45:24
			me. I think I saw in the chat
		
00:45:24 --> 00:45:25
			that somebody said,
		
00:45:26 --> 00:45:28
			they've they they shared an online link in
		
00:45:28 --> 00:45:29
			regards
		
00:45:30 --> 00:45:32
			to people being able to live separate lives
		
00:45:32 --> 00:45:35
			when they're married. Now that's absolutely fine, but
		
00:45:35 --> 00:45:36
			both partners
		
00:45:36 --> 00:45:38
			need to be on the same wavelength.
		
00:45:38 --> 00:45:41
			And I guarantee you from experience, I've also
		
00:45:41 --> 00:45:43
			worked in sister support in revert
		
00:45:43 --> 00:45:45
			support in the revert support project for three
		
00:45:45 --> 00:45:47
			and a half years with, a must did
		
00:45:47 --> 00:45:47
			in Reading.
		
00:45:48 --> 00:45:50
			And I guarantee you, there's always gonna be
		
00:45:50 --> 00:45:51
			one party that wants more,
		
00:45:52 --> 00:45:54
			that wants more of an emotional connection, that
		
00:45:54 --> 00:45:56
			doesn't wanna go on the holiday on their
		
00:45:56 --> 00:45:57
			own. They want their partner, and their partner
		
00:45:57 --> 00:45:58
			might be wanting to go out
		
00:45:59 --> 00:46:01
			with their friends and all that sort of
		
00:46:01 --> 00:46:02
			thing, but, you know, maybe that guy has
		
00:46:02 --> 00:46:04
			to give that up for his wife. You
		
00:46:04 --> 00:46:06
			know, it it takes too. So,
		
00:46:07 --> 00:46:09
			yeah, that's just my little take on it.
		
00:46:11 --> 00:46:13
			Anybody want to jump in with that mistake
		
00:46:13 --> 00:46:15
			that they made or a response to what
		
00:46:15 --> 00:46:17
			Sara, because you said a lot girl. She's
		
00:46:17 --> 00:46:19
			gone on. She's like, okay, I'm out. But
		
00:46:19 --> 00:46:21
			she said a lot. Guys, tell me in
		
00:46:21 --> 00:46:22
			the chat. What are you saying? Are you
		
00:46:22 --> 00:46:24
			like, yes. Oh, she by the way, she's
		
00:46:24 --> 00:46:26
			team Naima. You saw that. Right? Right? You
		
00:46:26 --> 00:46:28
			saw that. You guys don't know what team
		
00:46:28 --> 00:46:30
			Naima, team Mariam is. It's about cooking and
		
00:46:30 --> 00:46:32
			who should be doing the cooking. But anyway,
		
00:46:32 --> 00:46:34
			never mind. We're not gonna bring the drama.
		
00:46:34 --> 00:46:35
			What do you think, Zainab? You look like
		
00:46:35 --> 00:46:38
			you wanna jump in. Yeah. I wanna jump
		
00:46:38 --> 00:46:40
			in because there's something I did early on
		
00:46:40 --> 00:46:42
			in my marriage that now I just wanna
		
00:46:42 --> 00:46:43
			like, oh my God.
		
00:46:44 --> 00:46:44
			Okay. I,
		
00:46:46 --> 00:46:48
			yeah, I always like bringing this in.
		
00:46:50 --> 00:46:51
			It's the fact that
		
00:46:51 --> 00:46:52
			I
		
00:46:52 --> 00:46:53
			actually
		
00:46:55 --> 00:46:56
			run away from intimacy,
		
00:46:57 --> 00:46:59
			like I would literally like almost if I
		
00:46:59 --> 00:47:01
			had a walk in wardrobe I would lock
		
00:47:01 --> 00:47:03
			myself up and and I'm, I'm sure, I
		
00:47:03 --> 00:47:05
			know this was from my history of having,
		
00:47:06 --> 00:47:08
			sexual related trauma and all that,
		
00:47:08 --> 00:47:09
			but then since
		
00:47:10 --> 00:47:12
			that that I know now is a big
		
00:47:12 --> 00:47:12
			disservice.
		
00:47:13 --> 00:47:15
			If you're doing that, girl, stop.
		
00:47:15 --> 00:47:18
			Be because it had the the bedroom actually
		
00:47:18 --> 00:47:19
			is your superpower,
		
00:47:19 --> 00:47:22
			seriously, and not just for your husband, for
		
00:47:22 --> 00:47:22
			yourself.
		
00:47:23 --> 00:47:24
			That is
		
00:47:25 --> 00:47:26
			that's that's just it.
		
00:47:26 --> 00:47:28
			Do not run away from the bedroom affairs,
		
00:47:29 --> 00:47:30
			as in I
		
00:47:30 --> 00:47:31
			did, like, I would run
		
00:47:32 --> 00:47:34
			and we talk about it now and all
		
00:47:34 --> 00:47:38
			that but it's it's it's it's different now.
		
00:47:38 --> 00:47:41
			I mean, I mean, that one
		
00:47:42 --> 00:47:44
			well, yes. Then those then it's also about
		
00:47:45 --> 00:47:46
			the
		
00:47:47 --> 00:47:48
			having expectations.
		
00:47:48 --> 00:47:50
			I mean, this is a very big one.
		
00:47:50 --> 00:47:50
			Having expectations
		
00:47:52 --> 00:47:53
			having expectations
		
00:47:53 --> 00:47:54
			is
		
00:47:55 --> 00:47:55
			wow.
		
00:47:56 --> 00:47:59
			It's like you create this. This has to
		
00:47:59 --> 00:48:02
			happen in this exact manner at this exact
		
00:48:02 --> 00:48:02
			time,
		
00:48:03 --> 00:48:04
			etcetera and then what happens?
		
00:48:05 --> 00:48:06
			It doesn't? I get disappointed.
		
00:48:08 --> 00:48:10
			So this is something I did over and
		
00:48:10 --> 00:48:12
			over and over and over again and this
		
00:48:12 --> 00:48:13
			wasn't just expectations
		
00:48:13 --> 00:48:14
			for my husband.
		
00:48:15 --> 00:48:16
			Also expectations
		
00:48:16 --> 00:48:19
			for me. I should be doing things this
		
00:48:19 --> 00:48:22
			way. I should be doing things that way.
		
00:48:22 --> 00:48:23
			If I don't,
		
00:48:23 --> 00:48:23
			then
		
00:48:24 --> 00:48:26
			it's this and this and this, and I'm
		
00:48:26 --> 00:48:29
			building stories and creating unnecessary psychological suffering for
		
00:48:29 --> 00:48:30
			myself and all that,
		
00:48:31 --> 00:48:32
			so that itself,
		
00:48:32 --> 00:48:34
			you know, and also expecting, you know, the
		
00:48:34 --> 00:48:36
			in laws to do this, or they shouldn't
		
00:48:36 --> 00:48:38
			be doing this and all that. The world,
		
00:48:38 --> 00:48:40
			what we create with expectations,
		
00:48:42 --> 00:48:44
			subhanAllah, if we're able to let it go,
		
00:48:45 --> 00:48:46
			we'd have more peace because
		
00:48:47 --> 00:48:50
			I can't guarantee I will do something that
		
00:48:50 --> 00:48:52
			I see I want to do.
		
00:48:53 --> 00:48:55
			I can only say I'm gonna make effort,
		
00:48:55 --> 00:48:57
			but I can't guarantee that I'll be doing
		
00:48:57 --> 00:48:58
			as a result. Sometimes I say I'm gonna
		
00:48:58 --> 00:48:59
			do something, and I'm not able to do
		
00:48:59 --> 00:49:01
			it because something happens. So how can I
		
00:49:01 --> 00:49:03
			expect somebody else to be able to do
		
00:49:03 --> 00:49:05
			something in a certain way all the time?
		
00:49:05 --> 00:49:05
			I mean
		
00:49:06 --> 00:49:07
			so I I did that for
		
00:49:08 --> 00:49:09
			for a very, very long time.
		
00:49:10 --> 00:49:11
			Yeah. So I think that's those are 2
		
00:49:11 --> 00:49:13
			things. And the third one, yes, I always
		
00:49:13 --> 00:49:15
			like saying this, compassion.
		
00:49:16 --> 00:49:18
			I was not compassionate with myself
		
00:49:19 --> 00:49:19
			at all.
		
00:49:20 --> 00:49:23
			If we know how powerful compassion is,
		
00:49:24 --> 00:49:26
			how powerful it is
		
00:49:27 --> 00:49:29
			for ourselves. And I've experienced this in my
		
00:49:29 --> 00:49:30
			life.
		
00:49:31 --> 00:49:33
			It's a game changer, really.
		
00:49:33 --> 00:49:35
			It is a game changer. So I'll leave
		
00:49:35 --> 00:49:36
			it at that.
		
00:49:38 --> 00:49:39
			I love that. Masha'Allah. And,
		
00:49:40 --> 00:49:43
			yeah, Like you said, ladies, if you're running
		
00:49:43 --> 00:49:45
			away from the bedroom affairs,
		
00:49:45 --> 00:49:47
			stop doing that. We will talk about that
		
00:49:47 --> 00:49:50
			another time. That is the topic of another
		
00:49:50 --> 00:49:52
			conference inshallah in March.
		
00:49:52 --> 00:49:54
			So, yeah. Mark your calendars inshallah.
		
00:49:54 --> 00:49:57
			Ruby, what mistakes did you make early on?
		
00:49:57 --> 00:49:59
			What's one mistake that you made early on
		
00:49:59 --> 00:50:01
			that could have sabotaged everything?
		
00:50:02 --> 00:50:03
			I have got loads.
		
00:50:04 --> 00:50:06
			You have to pick just one and see
		
00:50:06 --> 00:50:08
			how pivotal it was.
		
00:50:10 --> 00:50:10
			Okay.
		
00:50:10 --> 00:50:13
			Just one. Okay. The biggest mistake
		
00:50:13 --> 00:50:15
			the biggest biggest mistake
		
00:50:16 --> 00:50:16
			was
		
00:50:18 --> 00:50:19
			blaming
		
00:50:19 --> 00:50:21
			him for the way I felt.
		
00:50:23 --> 00:50:25
			Blaming him for the way I felt.
		
00:50:28 --> 00:50:28
			And that
		
00:50:29 --> 00:50:30
			just killed my marriage.
		
00:50:31 --> 00:50:34
			That really sabotaged it
		
00:50:35 --> 00:50:36
			because I was in rage,
		
00:50:37 --> 00:50:40
			I was screaming, I was shouting,
		
00:50:40 --> 00:50:41
			I was angry.
		
00:50:42 --> 00:50:46
			You're wanting him to stop his behavior, whatever
		
00:50:46 --> 00:50:48
			he what I wanted him to do.
		
00:50:49 --> 00:50:52
			And it could be trivial things like cleaning
		
00:50:52 --> 00:50:54
			the car or something or whatever,
		
00:50:55 --> 00:50:58
			and it just used to drive me crazy.
		
00:50:59 --> 00:51:02
			It really drive me crazy. And so I,
		
00:51:03 --> 00:51:03
			the mistake
		
00:51:04 --> 00:51:06
			that over and over and over and over
		
00:51:06 --> 00:51:07
			again
		
00:51:08 --> 00:51:08
			was
		
00:51:09 --> 00:51:10
			blaming him for the way I felt.
		
00:51:11 --> 00:51:12
			And like I've said earlier,
		
00:51:13 --> 00:51:15
			only when I
		
00:51:15 --> 00:51:17
			understood the way I think,
		
00:51:21 --> 00:51:21
			it disappeared
		
00:51:23 --> 00:51:25
			in a moment. Mhmm. Moment.
		
00:51:26 --> 00:51:26
			Not
		
00:51:27 --> 00:51:30
			months of therapy and counseling and all that
		
00:51:30 --> 00:51:31
			kind of thing. No.
		
00:51:32 --> 00:51:33
			It it was
		
00:51:34 --> 00:51:36
			straight away. It's almost like a spell is
		
00:51:36 --> 00:51:38
			broken, isn't it? When you have that kind
		
00:51:38 --> 00:51:38
			of
		
00:51:39 --> 00:51:41
			moment, When you realize, for example, in your
		
00:51:41 --> 00:51:42
			case,
		
00:51:42 --> 00:51:44
			when you realize it's not him, it's me.
		
00:51:44 --> 00:51:47
			Or it's not that, it's this. Or it's
		
00:51:47 --> 00:51:49
			not gonna come from there, it's coming from
		
00:51:49 --> 00:51:50
			here. It's like
		
00:51:51 --> 00:51:52
			It's like reverse.
		
00:51:53 --> 00:51:53
			Yep. Because,
		
00:51:57 --> 00:51:57
			the
		
00:51:57 --> 00:51:58
			when I understood
		
00:52:01 --> 00:52:02
			where my feelings came from,
		
00:52:04 --> 00:52:06
			Oh my god. That just changed everything because
		
00:52:06 --> 00:52:07
			Yes. Because
		
00:52:08 --> 00:52:10
			now I understood, wow. I've been blaming him
		
00:52:10 --> 00:52:13
			the way I'm feeling all the time. I've
		
00:52:13 --> 00:52:14
			been blaming him.
		
00:52:14 --> 00:52:15
			And
		
00:52:15 --> 00:52:17
			even when he is angry or he is
		
00:52:17 --> 00:52:19
			in the mood or whatever, I know
		
00:52:20 --> 00:52:21
			that
		
00:52:22 --> 00:52:24
			his feeling has got nothing to do with
		
00:52:24 --> 00:52:26
			me either, so is boss.
		
00:52:27 --> 00:52:28
			It's like before, it's like
		
00:52:29 --> 00:52:30
			mistake was
		
00:52:30 --> 00:52:33
			throwing bullets at each other. Bullet, bullet, bullet,
		
00:52:33 --> 00:52:34
			bullet, bullet.
		
00:52:34 --> 00:52:36
			Now, no. There's no bullets.
		
00:52:36 --> 00:52:38
			I went through a year where I was
		
00:52:38 --> 00:52:41
			having argues and battles, like, nearly every day,
		
00:52:41 --> 00:52:42
			weekly.
		
00:52:43 --> 00:52:43
			Can you imagine
		
00:52:44 --> 00:52:46
			one argument in a whole year?
		
00:52:47 --> 00:52:49
			Wow. A whole year.
		
00:52:51 --> 00:52:52
			Who doesn't want that?
		
00:52:53 --> 00:52:55
			Yeah. Who doesn't want an argument?
		
00:52:57 --> 00:52:58
			Honestly.
		
00:52:58 --> 00:52:59
			And this
		
00:52:59 --> 00:53:01
			was so huge,
		
00:53:01 --> 00:53:03
			and this was so beautiful
		
00:53:04 --> 00:53:04
			that
		
00:53:05 --> 00:53:07
			the mistake was obviously, like you say, 1,
		
00:53:07 --> 00:53:10
			but there's so many, is that marriage just
		
00:53:10 --> 00:53:11
			doesn't require hard work.
		
00:53:12 --> 00:53:13
			It is effortless,
		
00:53:14 --> 00:53:15
			Effortless.
		
00:53:16 --> 00:53:16
			And effortless
		
00:53:17 --> 00:53:19
			only comes from the divine.
		
00:53:20 --> 00:53:21
			It comes from within.
		
00:53:22 --> 00:53:24
			There's nothing to do.
		
00:53:24 --> 00:53:25
			And you think, wow.
		
00:53:26 --> 00:53:27
			Wow.
		
00:53:28 --> 00:53:31
			I wanna shout this to the world.
		
00:53:32 --> 00:53:34
			I wanna shout this to every single wife.
		
00:53:35 --> 00:53:36
			You know?
		
00:53:37 --> 00:53:37
			And
		
00:53:38 --> 00:53:39
			this is why I'm here.
		
00:53:40 --> 00:53:42
			This is why I'm on this journey.
		
00:53:42 --> 00:53:44
			I'm sharing my mistakes,
		
00:53:45 --> 00:53:47
			you know, which is so important,
		
00:53:48 --> 00:53:51
			you know, to prevent other wives from making
		
00:53:51 --> 00:53:51
			the same mistake.
		
00:53:54 --> 00:53:56
			100%. And this is the whole point of
		
00:53:56 --> 00:53:57
			this, you know, and masha'Allah
		
00:53:57 --> 00:53:59
			says to Ruby as you said and, you
		
00:53:59 --> 00:54:00
			know, as you can see in the chat,
		
00:54:00 --> 00:54:02
			I think, you know, very few of us
		
00:54:02 --> 00:54:03
			have
		
00:54:04 --> 00:54:05
			had honest conversations
		
00:54:05 --> 00:54:06
			with older
		
00:54:07 --> 00:54:09
			wives. Right? Often with our friends and our
		
00:54:09 --> 00:54:12
			peers. Yeah. Okay. We might talk honestly and
		
00:54:12 --> 00:54:15
			maybe we talk honestly, but to hear from
		
00:54:15 --> 00:54:17
			someone who's been in the game longer,
		
00:54:17 --> 00:54:19
			you know, who's been married longer, many of
		
00:54:19 --> 00:54:21
			our mothers maybe didn't speak to us honestly
		
00:54:21 --> 00:54:24
			candidly and you know break things down for
		
00:54:24 --> 00:54:25
			us. Aunties
		
00:54:25 --> 00:54:27
			maybe they're not the best either because sometimes
		
00:54:27 --> 00:54:29
			the advice aunties be given
		
00:54:29 --> 00:54:31
			you know, it's a bit
		
00:54:31 --> 00:54:34
			it's a little bit maybe not, maybe yeah.
		
00:54:34 --> 00:54:36
			Anyway, I will say less about that. Oh,
		
00:54:36 --> 00:54:38
			Maisa, what say you, my dear? This mistakes
		
00:54:38 --> 00:54:40
			that you made one mistake that you made
		
00:54:40 --> 00:54:42
			early on that could have wrecked the whole
		
00:54:42 --> 00:54:43
			show.
		
00:54:44 --> 00:54:46
			I think I'm still kind of,
		
00:54:47 --> 00:54:49
			in that process, you know, still learning and
		
00:54:49 --> 00:54:51
			still adjusting. I think
		
00:54:51 --> 00:54:54
			marriage is just like parenting goes through different
		
00:54:54 --> 00:54:56
			phases, you know. When you're
		
00:54:57 --> 00:54:59
			single and you're together, and then you just
		
00:54:59 --> 00:55:00
			get married and you're in that honeymoon period,
		
00:55:01 --> 00:55:03
			then when they there's children. There's always different
		
00:55:03 --> 00:55:05
			challenges that bring out a different
		
00:55:05 --> 00:55:08
			different challenges. Different phases bring out different challenges,
		
00:55:08 --> 00:55:10
			different tests, and then how you would, you
		
00:55:10 --> 00:55:12
			know, respond to that is really important. I
		
00:55:12 --> 00:55:15
			think it's something sometimes ongoing as well. It's
		
00:55:15 --> 00:55:16
			it's it's a learning, and we develop. And
		
00:55:16 --> 00:55:17
			then as we mature,
		
00:55:18 --> 00:55:20
			as we go through different stages within ourselves,
		
00:55:20 --> 00:55:20
			and then
		
00:55:21 --> 00:55:24
			now, you know, in our forties plus, hormonally
		
00:55:25 --> 00:55:25
			as well,
		
00:55:26 --> 00:55:28
			there's always different challenges. And I think for
		
00:55:28 --> 00:55:30
			me, that's why I said I'm still in
		
00:55:30 --> 00:55:32
			the game. You know? I'm still learning. I'm
		
00:55:32 --> 00:55:33
			not quite like,
		
00:55:33 --> 00:55:35
			sister Ruby where I couldn't say I've only
		
00:55:35 --> 00:55:36
			had one argument
		
00:55:36 --> 00:55:38
			in a year, Allahumabarik.
		
00:55:39 --> 00:55:40
			I would say though,
		
00:55:41 --> 00:55:41
			I wish,
		
00:55:42 --> 00:55:44
			there's so many things actually that are coming
		
00:55:44 --> 00:55:44
			to my head.
		
00:55:45 --> 00:55:46
			One is that I wish that I was
		
00:55:46 --> 00:55:47
			more domesticated,
		
00:55:48 --> 00:55:50
			and a bit more grounded because
		
00:55:51 --> 00:55:53
			I'm the 4th daughter with older siblings. There's
		
00:55:53 --> 00:55:56
			6 of us, so I'm number 5, and
		
00:55:56 --> 00:55:57
			I got away with a lot.
		
00:55:58 --> 00:56:00
			And so for me, I was involved in
		
00:56:00 --> 00:56:03
			Dawah, going to talks, going to events, going
		
00:56:03 --> 00:56:05
			to different kind of projects, and
		
00:56:06 --> 00:56:08
			mom just supported me in that. And I
		
00:56:08 --> 00:56:10
			never really got involved in a lot of
		
00:56:10 --> 00:56:10
			housework.
		
00:56:11 --> 00:56:12
			The sisters kind of did that.
		
00:56:13 --> 00:56:15
			And so when I got married,
		
00:56:15 --> 00:56:17
			yeah, I think it would have been better
		
00:56:17 --> 00:56:19
			if I'd had been a bit more domesticated,
		
00:56:19 --> 00:56:20
			a little bit more organized.
		
00:56:22 --> 00:56:23
			But,
		
00:56:23 --> 00:56:25
			you know, my husband cooks and he's always
		
00:56:25 --> 00:56:26
			supported me,
		
00:56:26 --> 00:56:28
			and he's good like that. My in laws,
		
00:56:29 --> 00:56:31
			they're mega organized, and I've learned lots and
		
00:56:31 --> 00:56:32
			lots from
		
00:56:32 --> 00:56:33
			them.
		
00:56:34 --> 00:56:36
			But I definitely think that what if I
		
00:56:36 --> 00:56:37
			could say,
		
00:56:37 --> 00:56:39
			another 2 things. 1 was that 1 was
		
00:56:39 --> 00:56:42
			that I wish that I'd learnt to respect
		
00:56:42 --> 00:56:44
			my husband in according to his
		
00:56:45 --> 00:56:47
			the reject over me, his kind of station
		
00:56:48 --> 00:56:50
			that he has over me. I I think
		
00:56:50 --> 00:56:51
			I went into marriage,
		
00:56:53 --> 00:56:55
			like, he's like my buddy. He's my friend,
		
00:56:55 --> 00:56:57
			which, I'm delighted, like, you know, you go
		
00:56:57 --> 00:56:57
			to
		
00:56:58 --> 00:57:00
			talks together, you go to parks together, you
		
00:57:00 --> 00:57:03
			go to holidays together, you do activities together,
		
00:57:03 --> 00:57:05
			you enjoy each other's company as a partner.
		
00:57:05 --> 00:57:07
			But I think I saw him as my
		
00:57:07 --> 00:57:08
			neutral equal.
		
00:57:09 --> 00:57:10
			And
		
00:57:10 --> 00:57:12
			when he would say something, I think I'd
		
00:57:13 --> 00:57:14
			and I still probably do
		
00:57:14 --> 00:57:16
			is challenge it
		
00:57:16 --> 00:57:18
			rather than accept certain things.
		
00:57:19 --> 00:57:21
			And I'd always want an answer, a a
		
00:57:21 --> 00:57:23
			justification, but why? You know, why can't we
		
00:57:23 --> 00:57:25
			go here? But why can't we do this?
		
00:57:25 --> 00:57:27
			But I don't understand. And I think sometimes
		
00:57:28 --> 00:57:31
			that creates unnecessary conflict as well, and I
		
00:57:31 --> 00:57:32
			think, you know, you have to choose your
		
00:57:32 --> 00:57:33
			battles. You know?
		
00:57:35 --> 00:57:36
			And I think that that it's not to
		
00:57:36 --> 00:57:38
			say I'll just be completely you know, don't
		
00:57:38 --> 00:57:40
			have a voice, be voiceless. I'm not saying
		
00:57:40 --> 00:57:43
			that, but I'm saying don't nitpick either, you
		
00:57:43 --> 00:57:43
			know,
		
00:57:44 --> 00:57:45
			like, you have an opinion, you have thing,
		
00:57:45 --> 00:57:47
			but I think I kind of was
		
00:57:48 --> 00:57:50
			yeah. Just want you get an explanation for
		
00:57:50 --> 00:57:50
			everything,
		
00:57:52 --> 00:57:54
			and not kind of respecting him for his
		
00:57:54 --> 00:57:57
			decisions that he's making. And obviously you are
		
00:57:57 --> 00:57:58
			argumentative,
		
00:57:58 --> 00:57:59
			Omayesa?
		
00:57:59 --> 00:58:00
			You're argumentative.
		
00:58:00 --> 00:58:02
			You know, it's a weakness, you know. He
		
00:58:02 --> 00:58:02
			but
		
00:58:03 --> 00:58:05
			that's another thing is that remember I was
		
00:58:05 --> 00:58:06
			saying to you, we were saying this on
		
00:58:06 --> 00:58:07
			the chat as well, is that
		
00:58:08 --> 00:58:10
			rather than listening to understand
		
00:58:10 --> 00:58:12
			in marriage, we sometimes
		
00:58:12 --> 00:58:14
			just listen to respond.
		
00:58:14 --> 00:58:16
			Because if something has been said to us,
		
00:58:16 --> 00:58:18
			we then sometimes feel like it's an attack
		
00:58:18 --> 00:58:20
			on us. And it's like
		
00:58:21 --> 00:58:23
			and we have to keep justifying our actions
		
00:58:23 --> 00:58:24
			or our decisions.
		
00:58:25 --> 00:58:26
			Sometimes it's good to just
		
00:58:27 --> 00:58:28
			refrain from the response.
		
00:58:29 --> 00:58:30
			Take in what the other person is trying
		
00:58:30 --> 00:58:31
			to say to you,
		
00:58:32 --> 00:58:35
			and acknowledge them, value them, respect them. And
		
00:58:35 --> 00:58:37
			I think that these are some of the
		
00:58:37 --> 00:58:39
			key things that I'm still trying to learn.
		
00:58:40 --> 00:58:41
			SubhanAllah.
		
00:58:41 --> 00:58:43
			You know you know, thank you so much
		
00:58:43 --> 00:58:45
			for being honest. You know that you've touched
		
00:58:45 --> 00:58:46
			on a topic that
		
00:58:46 --> 00:58:49
			I I think I'd like us to address.
		
00:58:50 --> 00:58:52
			It's it's this is for me what I've
		
00:58:52 --> 00:58:54
			noticed is like the new taboos.
		
00:58:55 --> 00:58:57
			Right? Even in the Muslim community.
		
00:58:57 --> 00:58:59
			Whereas at one point in time,
		
00:59:00 --> 00:59:01
			all the talks
		
00:59:01 --> 00:59:03
			were 2 sisters
		
00:59:03 --> 00:59:04
			about
		
00:59:04 --> 00:59:07
			what? Obey your husband. Right? At one point
		
00:59:07 --> 00:59:09
			in time, like, that was what you knew
		
00:59:09 --> 00:59:11
			and I'm sure people have grown up in
		
00:59:11 --> 00:59:14
			times where it was, you know, ingrained drummed
		
00:59:14 --> 00:59:16
			into you. You know, that's your husband. You
		
00:59:16 --> 00:59:18
			respect him. You obey him at one point
		
00:59:18 --> 00:59:20
			in time. And I think the Now you're
		
00:59:20 --> 00:59:23
			not, isn't it? Yeah. Right. It's not obedience
		
00:59:23 --> 00:59:24
			to him. It's obedience to Allah.
		
00:59:25 --> 00:59:27
			All of the things. Right? All of the
		
00:59:27 --> 00:59:28
			things. Now,
		
00:59:28 --> 00:59:30
			and I think what's interesting actually,
		
00:59:31 --> 00:59:33
			yesterday in one of the talks,
		
00:59:33 --> 00:59:35
			sister said sister Haile said,
		
00:59:36 --> 00:59:39
			what would you say if your husband said
		
00:59:39 --> 00:59:41
			to you, go and make me some dinner?
		
00:59:42 --> 00:59:43
			You would and she was saying it in
		
00:59:43 --> 00:59:46
			the sense of you should have a halak
		
00:59:46 --> 00:59:47
			with your husband when you want him to
		
00:59:47 --> 00:59:49
			do something. Right? You should be sweet and
		
00:59:49 --> 00:59:52
			pleasant and ask him nicely. So in order
		
00:59:52 --> 00:59:54
			to illustrate that point, she said, well, how
		
00:59:54 --> 00:59:56
			would you feel if your husband just said
		
00:59:56 --> 00:59:57
			to you, get me a a cup of
		
00:59:57 --> 01:00:00
			tea. Yeah. Or make me a drink. Right?
		
01:00:00 --> 01:00:02
			And the sisters in the chat were like,
		
01:00:02 --> 01:00:04
			I tell him to go make it himself.
		
01:00:04 --> 01:00:06
			Oh. He's not talking to me like that.
		
01:00:06 --> 01:00:07
			You know, like who do you think you're
		
01:00:07 --> 01:00:10
			talking to? Which I found very interesting.
		
01:00:11 --> 01:00:12
			And of course it was a moment of
		
01:00:12 --> 01:00:13
			levity
		
01:00:13 --> 01:00:14
			and I don't mean to be a party
		
01:00:14 --> 01:00:15
			pooper.
		
01:00:15 --> 01:00:17
			But I I really, again,
		
01:00:18 --> 01:00:19
			wanting to keep things balanced,
		
01:00:20 --> 01:00:23
			We don't talk about respecting the husband
		
01:00:24 --> 01:00:24
			anymore,
		
01:00:25 --> 01:00:27
			because we don't really talk about respecting men
		
01:00:27 --> 01:00:29
			anymore in society. Okay? Just let me know
		
01:00:29 --> 01:00:31
			in the chat if if I'm off base
		
01:00:31 --> 01:00:32
			on this.
		
01:00:33 --> 01:00:35
			But it's coming down to that what I
		
01:00:35 --> 01:00:36
			what I said when you said what are
		
01:00:36 --> 01:00:37
			the prices. One of the ones that I
		
01:00:37 --> 01:00:39
			said is solidifying your intention.
		
01:00:39 --> 01:00:41
			When you do something for Allah, regardless of
		
01:00:41 --> 01:00:43
			how he is, you know, regardless of what
		
01:00:43 --> 01:00:44
			response you want,
		
01:00:45 --> 01:00:46
			you do it for Allah,
		
01:00:46 --> 01:00:49
			Allah will open up ways for you.
		
01:00:49 --> 01:00:52
			But if you're gonna be, like, oh, conditioning
		
01:00:52 --> 01:00:53
			it, oh, I don't like the way he
		
01:00:53 --> 01:00:55
			spoke to me. I don't like the way
		
01:00:55 --> 01:00:55
			he asked me.
		
01:00:56 --> 01:00:58
			If we keep taking our actions back first
		
01:00:58 --> 01:00:59
			to Allah, obviously, no one wants to be
		
01:00:59 --> 01:01:01
			spoken down to. No one wants to be
		
01:01:01 --> 01:01:02
			disrespected.
		
01:01:03 --> 01:01:05
			But this is also the game changer.
		
01:01:05 --> 01:01:07
			That are you the one who's gonna take
		
01:01:07 --> 01:01:08
			the first step to do a khair for
		
01:01:08 --> 01:01:10
			one another, do a khidban for one another,
		
01:01:10 --> 01:01:14
			exercising that kindness towards who? Someone who's fulfilling
		
01:01:14 --> 01:01:15
			half your deen.
		
01:01:15 --> 01:01:18
			And then the other half, prophet said, is
		
01:01:18 --> 01:01:20
			patience. So be patient with maybe the way
		
01:01:20 --> 01:01:21
			he spoke to you, but it's that
		
01:01:23 --> 01:01:23
			repels
		
01:01:24 --> 01:01:26
			bad with good. This is what Allah subhanahu
		
01:01:26 --> 01:01:28
			wa ta'ala has told us.
		
01:01:29 --> 01:01:30
			You know, the sister said in the chat
		
01:01:30 --> 01:01:33
			actually, she said that, you know, these that
		
01:01:33 --> 01:01:35
			type of thing. And again, just let's not
		
01:01:35 --> 01:01:36
			get it twist.
		
01:01:37 --> 01:01:38
			I'm not saying that that is the correct
		
01:01:38 --> 01:01:40
			way to speak to a spouse. And in
		
01:01:40 --> 01:01:41
			fact, that was the point of the example,
		
01:01:42 --> 01:01:43
			was that you wouldn't look for someone to
		
01:01:43 --> 01:01:45
			speak to you that way. However,
		
01:01:45 --> 01:01:47
			I found the response of the sisters interesting
		
01:01:47 --> 01:01:48
			because
		
01:01:49 --> 01:01:51
			in our society in general,
		
01:01:52 --> 01:01:54
			respecting and again, this is West. Okay? Because
		
01:01:54 --> 01:01:56
			I know we have a lot of sisters
		
01:01:56 --> 01:01:57
			here from Nigeria, from the continent
		
01:01:58 --> 01:01:59
			where it is probably not the case that
		
01:01:59 --> 01:02:00
			this doesn't apply
		
01:02:01 --> 01:02:03
			in that society. But certainly in the west,
		
01:02:04 --> 01:02:06
			the idea of respecting men
		
01:02:06 --> 01:02:08
			is just not a thing. In fact, men
		
01:02:08 --> 01:02:11
			are there to be disrespected and to be
		
01:02:11 --> 01:02:13
			talked down upon and made fun of, etcetera.
		
01:02:14 --> 01:02:16
			And obedience to the husband.
		
01:02:17 --> 01:02:17
			Sorry.
		
01:02:17 --> 01:02:19
			It's not sexy.
		
01:02:19 --> 01:02:21
			Right? It's not cool. Like, nobody wants to
		
01:02:21 --> 01:02:24
			talk about that. Right? Right, Zainab. What's up?
		
01:02:28 --> 01:02:29
			But but
		
01:02:30 --> 01:02:32
			and while it's not the most pleasant thing
		
01:02:32 --> 01:02:34
			to talk about, it's not the most kind
		
01:02:34 --> 01:02:36
			of, you know, uplifting or whatever empowering thing
		
01:02:36 --> 01:02:37
			to talk about.
		
01:02:38 --> 01:02:40
			If we are going to speak about this
		
01:02:40 --> 01:02:43
			this role as an act of Ibadah,
		
01:02:44 --> 01:02:47
			we know that Ibadah, act of Ibadah are
		
01:02:47 --> 01:02:49
			the 2 conditions for them to be accepted.
		
01:02:49 --> 01:02:51
			Right? The first is that they're done sincerely
		
01:02:51 --> 01:02:53
			for the sake of Allah and the second
		
01:02:53 --> 01:02:55
			that they're done in the way that it
		
01:02:55 --> 01:02:57
			should be done according to the Quran and
		
01:02:57 --> 01:02:58
			Sunnah.
		
01:02:58 --> 01:02:59
			So
		
01:02:59 --> 01:03:02
			it's not befitting for us as believers
		
01:03:02 --> 01:03:04
			to pretend
		
01:03:04 --> 01:03:06
			as if we don't have to obey our
		
01:03:06 --> 01:03:07
			husbands.
		
01:03:07 --> 01:03:08
			It just doesn't for me, it just doesn't
		
01:03:08 --> 01:03:10
			make sense. Right? Zaina, what do you think
		
01:03:10 --> 01:03:11
			about that?
		
01:03:12 --> 01:03:13
			Absolutely.
		
01:03:14 --> 01:03:15
			You know, till today,
		
01:03:16 --> 01:03:17
			and not because I have to,
		
01:03:18 --> 01:03:20
			I will still ask for permission. There's this
		
01:03:20 --> 01:03:24
			various hangouts happening on 3rd. Right? Like, have
		
01:03:24 --> 01:03:26
			whole day with my friends and stuff like
		
01:03:26 --> 01:03:28
			that. I still would ask him.
		
01:03:28 --> 01:03:30
			Can I have do I have permission to
		
01:03:30 --> 01:03:30
			go?
		
01:03:31 --> 01:03:32
			Not because
		
01:03:34 --> 01:03:36
			I think he would say no or yes
		
01:03:36 --> 01:03:37
			or whatever, but to
		
01:03:38 --> 01:03:40
			put him on that place of that pedestal
		
01:03:41 --> 01:03:41
			that
		
01:03:41 --> 01:03:44
			I submit to you. So it's and this
		
01:03:44 --> 01:03:45
			is a shared understanding
		
01:03:46 --> 01:03:48
			among the parties. It's not about
		
01:03:48 --> 01:03:50
			it's not a battle. It's not
		
01:03:51 --> 01:03:52
			it's not a battle.
		
01:03:53 --> 01:03:55
			I remember one of the very first things
		
01:03:55 --> 01:03:57
			I did on this time, earlier on it's
		
01:03:57 --> 01:03:59
			it's not I'm shocked I did it.
		
01:04:00 --> 01:04:01
			Here, we also are
		
01:04:01 --> 01:04:02
			westernized
		
01:04:02 --> 01:04:04
			as it were. Yes. I'm in Nigeria, but
		
01:04:04 --> 01:04:07
			still, I mean, we call I called him
		
01:04:07 --> 01:04:10
			my name, but culturally here, you don't you
		
01:04:10 --> 01:04:12
			you shouldn't call your husband by his first
		
01:04:12 --> 01:04:14
			name. Right? I did, But at some point,
		
01:04:14 --> 01:04:16
			just occurred to me that, okay.
		
01:04:16 --> 01:04:18
			I do not call people with respect titles.
		
01:04:19 --> 01:04:20
			That's another story on its own. It has
		
01:04:20 --> 01:04:22
			to do with the whatever happened in the
		
01:04:22 --> 01:04:24
			past. So I struggle, but I just decided
		
01:04:24 --> 01:04:27
			to call him with that respect title. I
		
01:04:27 --> 01:04:29
			stopped calling him by his first name. The
		
01:04:29 --> 01:04:30
			day he did it, he looked at me,
		
01:04:30 --> 01:04:31
			and I saw something shift.
		
01:04:33 --> 01:04:34
			That's what happens
		
01:04:35 --> 01:04:37
			men are that's how they've been created,
		
01:04:38 --> 01:04:40
			they need to see the respect, respect, the
		
01:04:40 --> 01:04:43
			obedience, the submission, but submission doesn't mean
		
01:04:44 --> 01:04:46
			being trampled on. No.
		
01:04:47 --> 01:04:49
			It's it's just you can't have 2 captains
		
01:04:49 --> 01:04:49
			in a
		
01:04:51 --> 01:04:52
			boat. That's it.
		
01:04:53 --> 01:04:53
			Speak.
		
01:04:54 --> 01:04:56
			Speak, sis. I want you to speak with
		
01:04:56 --> 01:04:59
			your lovely honey voice. Tell the sisters.
		
01:05:00 --> 01:05:02
			She took care of this.
		
01:05:03 --> 01:05:06
			Much love. Back. And, you know, that is
		
01:05:06 --> 01:05:09
			how to show up powerfully as a wife.
		
01:05:10 --> 01:05:11
			Stepping back, let them steer.
		
01:05:12 --> 01:05:15
			But you do your thing at the background.
		
01:05:15 --> 01:05:16
			You do your
		
01:05:16 --> 01:05:17
			thing.
		
01:05:17 --> 01:05:19
			It's that's reality.
		
01:05:19 --> 01:05:22
			So I still ask him, oh, I wanna
		
01:05:22 --> 01:05:25
			go to, like, I, I traveled, like I
		
01:05:25 --> 01:05:26
			came to see my mom
		
01:05:26 --> 01:05:29
			and he has to house sit, like, for
		
01:05:29 --> 01:05:31
			a couple of days. I still asked permission
		
01:05:31 --> 01:05:32
			to come.
		
01:05:32 --> 01:05:33
			It was it's
		
01:05:34 --> 01:05:36
			I didn't even it's like I just
		
01:05:37 --> 01:05:37
			asked permission,
		
01:05:38 --> 01:05:39
			not because
		
01:05:40 --> 01:05:41
			just for that reason.
		
01:05:42 --> 01:05:43
			Submission.
		
01:05:43 --> 01:05:45
			Let them feel that
		
01:05:45 --> 01:05:46
			you submit,
		
01:05:47 --> 01:05:48
			and it's a beautiful thing.
		
01:05:49 --> 01:05:50
			It is actually.
		
01:05:52 --> 01:05:54
			Sister says here submission is
		
01:05:55 --> 01:05:57
			sister says here submission is a bit of
		
01:05:57 --> 01:05:59
			a game to okay. Also, check this out.
		
01:06:00 --> 01:06:02
			Submission is a bit of a game to
		
01:06:02 --> 01:06:03
			massage his ego.
		
01:06:05 --> 01:06:07
			So this is saying that it's it's it's
		
01:06:07 --> 01:06:09
			a bit of a game to massage his
		
01:06:09 --> 01:06:11
			ego and keep the peace.
		
01:06:12 --> 01:06:13
			I Really.
		
01:06:15 --> 01:06:18
			I think I think that it's that okay.
		
01:06:18 --> 01:06:20
			Okay. Let's take a few steps back.
		
01:06:20 --> 01:06:22
			Yeah. Can we agree
		
01:06:23 --> 01:06:23
			that
		
01:06:24 --> 01:06:26
			and again and that you know what? If
		
01:06:26 --> 01:06:27
			I may add here,
		
01:06:28 --> 01:06:30
			I you for me,
		
01:06:30 --> 01:06:33
			submission was a trigger word. Right?
		
01:06:33 --> 01:06:35
			Nobody could say,
		
01:06:35 --> 01:06:37
			oh, wife, submit to her husband. Certainly, my
		
01:06:37 --> 01:06:39
			husband never used that language with me because
		
01:06:39 --> 01:06:41
			he knew I couldn't take it. Right? I
		
01:06:41 --> 01:06:42
			came from a feminist background,
		
01:06:43 --> 01:06:45
			you know, and, you know, in that paradigm,
		
01:06:46 --> 01:06:48
			you can't use words like that. They have
		
01:06:48 --> 01:06:50
			so many connotations. Masha'Allah. Even the sisters are
		
01:06:50 --> 01:06:53
			mentioning, you know, of being trampled on, of
		
01:06:53 --> 01:06:53
			being oppressed,
		
01:06:54 --> 01:06:56
			of having no voice, you know, and all
		
01:06:56 --> 01:06:58
			of that that baggage that comes with the
		
01:06:58 --> 01:06:59
			word.
		
01:06:59 --> 01:07:01
			Right? So I had that baggage. And I
		
01:07:01 --> 01:07:02
			think a lot of sisters do have that
		
01:07:02 --> 01:07:04
			baggage because when we check the chat, when
		
01:07:04 --> 01:07:06
			we see the comments on this video over
		
01:07:06 --> 01:07:08
			the next few days, for sure, there's gonna
		
01:07:08 --> 01:07:11
			be people who feel uncomfortable with this conversation.
		
01:07:11 --> 01:07:13
			But it's okay inshallah. It's okay.
		
01:07:13 --> 01:07:15
			What I've come to understand and what I
		
01:07:15 --> 01:07:17
			didn't realize, I thought
		
01:07:17 --> 01:07:19
			that the brothers who talk about, you know,
		
01:07:19 --> 01:07:22
			men leading and, you know, wives submitting to
		
01:07:22 --> 01:07:23
			their husbands, I thought they were all male
		
01:07:23 --> 01:07:24
			chauvinists.
		
01:07:25 --> 01:07:28
			Straight up. I thought they were male chauvinists.
		
01:07:28 --> 01:07:30
			I thought they had issues. I thought they
		
01:07:30 --> 01:07:32
			were traditionalists. Like this is not Islam. It's
		
01:07:32 --> 01:07:34
			just culture and all of this stuff.
		
01:07:34 --> 01:07:35
			Come to find
		
01:07:36 --> 01:07:37
			out that
		
01:07:37 --> 01:07:38
			men,
		
01:07:38 --> 01:07:41
			and not just Muslim men, but men who
		
01:07:41 --> 01:07:42
			are masculine
		
01:07:42 --> 01:07:43
			and who are leaders,
		
01:07:44 --> 01:07:45
			love
		
01:07:45 --> 01:07:46
			a submissive woman.
		
01:07:47 --> 01:07:50
			They crave that because when a woman submits,
		
01:07:50 --> 01:07:53
			it shows to them that she trusts them
		
01:07:53 --> 01:07:53
			to lead.
		
01:07:54 --> 01:07:55
			She can be in her feminine.
		
01:07:56 --> 01:07:58
			He can be in his masculine. Right? Now
		
01:07:58 --> 01:07:59
			again,
		
01:07:59 --> 01:08:02
			we're gonna have exceptions to everything. And of
		
01:08:02 --> 01:08:04
			course, we know that in today's day and
		
01:08:04 --> 01:08:05
			age, so many of the roles are kind
		
01:08:05 --> 01:08:07
			of reversed and switch, you know, swapped around
		
01:08:07 --> 01:08:10
			and sisters are working. Women are providing and
		
01:08:10 --> 01:08:12
			becoming breadwinners and men are the I know
		
01:08:12 --> 01:08:13
			there's all of that,
		
01:08:14 --> 01:08:15
			but I think fundamentally
		
01:08:15 --> 01:08:18
			there is still that need in the man
		
01:08:18 --> 01:08:21
			for kawam and to to feel like his
		
01:08:21 --> 01:08:21
			wife
		
01:08:22 --> 01:08:25
			respects him and trusts him enough to to
		
01:08:25 --> 01:08:27
			let go and let him
		
01:08:27 --> 01:08:29
			steal the ship like you said, sis.
		
01:08:30 --> 01:08:33
			And you know, sometimes it's hard. I know
		
01:08:33 --> 01:08:35
			sisters who for example, the husband isn't great
		
01:08:35 --> 01:08:36
			with money.
		
01:08:36 --> 01:08:39
			Right? He's, he's just not great with money.
		
01:08:39 --> 01:08:40
			He's not wealthy.
		
01:08:40 --> 01:08:42
			You know, when he gets money, he uses
		
01:08:42 --> 01:08:44
			it in foolish ways. He doesn't keep track
		
01:08:44 --> 01:08:46
			of it. And so she was trying to
		
01:08:46 --> 01:08:49
			micromanage the situation for years.
		
01:08:49 --> 01:08:51
			And and it was a source of contention
		
01:08:51 --> 01:08:52
			in their marriage because
		
01:08:53 --> 01:08:56
			she was trying to control an area that
		
01:08:56 --> 01:08:58
			she felt he should be, you know, taking
		
01:08:58 --> 01:09:00
			care of. And so she felt resentment, frustration,
		
01:09:00 --> 01:09:02
			and everything. And then I said to her,
		
01:09:02 --> 01:09:03
			do you think that he will let you
		
01:09:03 --> 01:09:04
			guys starve?
		
01:09:04 --> 01:09:06
			She said, no. No. I don't think he
		
01:09:06 --> 01:09:08
			would. So I said, so why don't you
		
01:09:08 --> 01:09:08
			let him
		
01:09:09 --> 01:09:11
			take control of, like, let him have the
		
01:09:11 --> 01:09:14
			banking app. You erase it from your phone.
		
01:09:14 --> 01:09:14
			Give him
		
01:09:15 --> 01:09:17
			just give him permission to lead on this.
		
01:09:18 --> 01:09:19
			She couldn't do it. She couldn't do it.
		
01:09:19 --> 01:09:21
			She couldn't do it because she was scared
		
01:09:21 --> 01:09:23
			because she did not trust that he would
		
01:09:23 --> 01:09:25
			be able to look after him and be
		
01:09:25 --> 01:09:27
			who she needed him to be.
		
01:09:27 --> 01:09:29
			In the end, Alhamdulillah,
		
01:09:30 --> 01:09:32
			she decided, you know what? This headache is
		
01:09:32 --> 01:09:35
			too much and it's, it's changing things between
		
01:09:35 --> 01:09:35
			us.
		
01:09:36 --> 01:09:38
			I I don't want this responsibility anymore. I'm
		
01:09:38 --> 01:09:40
			a let you take care of it.
		
01:09:40 --> 01:09:41
			She let him have the app.
		
01:09:42 --> 01:09:43
			He sorted it out.
		
01:09:44 --> 01:09:46
			He sorted it out and now that's just
		
01:09:46 --> 01:09:48
			not it. Now that is not an issue
		
01:09:48 --> 01:09:50
			between them anymore. But anyway, let's
		
01:09:51 --> 01:09:52
			let's let's go back to the submission of
		
01:09:52 --> 01:09:53
			the lens thing.
		
01:09:54 --> 01:09:55
			Go on, Lisa.
		
01:09:56 --> 01:09:58
			I said, is that is that a control
		
01:09:58 --> 01:10:00
			thing? You know, women like to be in
		
01:10:00 --> 01:10:00
			control.
		
01:10:01 --> 01:10:01
			Yeah.
		
01:10:02 --> 01:10:02
			Yes.
		
01:10:02 --> 01:10:05
			We do. And I think that's what this
		
01:10:05 --> 01:10:07
			is what I hear the brothers saying
		
01:10:07 --> 01:10:08
			again and again
		
01:10:08 --> 01:10:11
			that this is where the power struggles come
		
01:10:11 --> 01:10:13
			in because the sister wants to be in
		
01:10:13 --> 01:10:15
			control. She wants to control. She wants to
		
01:10:16 --> 01:10:18
			to dictate how things are done when things
		
01:10:18 --> 01:10:21
			are done and have it her way as
		
01:10:21 --> 01:10:23
			well and and just be in control of
		
01:10:23 --> 01:10:25
			this whole thing and it's it's what her
		
01:10:25 --> 01:10:27
			sister Haile was saying yesterday is that if
		
01:10:27 --> 01:10:30
			you are she what did she say yesterday?
		
01:10:30 --> 01:10:30
			She said,
		
01:10:31 --> 01:10:34
			don't challenge your husband to an arm wrestle.
		
01:10:35 --> 01:10:37
			If you challenge your husband to an arm
		
01:10:37 --> 01:10:40
			wrestle, he's gonna drop you and that will
		
01:10:40 --> 01:10:43
			be that. Like that's not the way to
		
01:10:43 --> 01:10:45
			deal with your husband to try and go
		
01:10:45 --> 01:10:47
			head to head with him and try and
		
01:10:47 --> 01:10:49
			beat him down because the likelihood is that
		
01:10:49 --> 01:10:52
			you're going to lose. And if you win
		
01:10:53 --> 01:10:55
			results are even worse because, Zaynab, go on.
		
01:10:55 --> 01:10:56
			Speak to it, girl.
		
01:11:00 --> 01:11:02
			Yeah. She was on mute.
		
01:11:02 --> 01:11:03
			Yeah.
		
01:11:04 --> 01:11:05
			No. You you that's good. I just said
		
01:11:05 --> 01:11:07
			I'm agreeing with you as in there's no
		
01:11:07 --> 01:11:08
			point.
		
01:11:09 --> 01:11:10
			That thing about the control,
		
01:11:11 --> 01:11:13
			I I get it. I was that woman
		
01:11:15 --> 01:11:17
			who wanted to control. And that financial thing,
		
01:11:18 --> 01:11:20
			my husband is a risk taker. He's in
		
01:11:20 --> 01:11:22
			business for himself. He takes risk. He could
		
01:11:22 --> 01:11:24
			take it every single dime we have and
		
01:11:24 --> 01:11:26
			go put it on one investment,
		
01:11:26 --> 01:11:28
			and we probably don't even have food in
		
01:11:28 --> 01:11:29
			the house.
		
01:11:29 --> 01:11:30
			But the same thing,
		
01:11:31 --> 01:11:32
			I wanted to control
		
01:11:33 --> 01:11:36
			because I had my own money story issues.
		
01:11:36 --> 01:11:36
			Right?
		
01:11:37 --> 01:11:40
			So I'd put in my own money into
		
01:11:40 --> 01:11:41
			the house. He didn't ask me.
		
01:11:42 --> 01:11:43
			So that's another thing we do. We take
		
01:11:43 --> 01:11:44
			on responsibility
		
01:11:45 --> 01:11:46
			their responsibility
		
01:11:46 --> 01:11:49
			even when they don't ask. That was
		
01:11:49 --> 01:11:51
			one of the biggest mistakes I made for
		
01:11:51 --> 01:11:52
			many years.
		
01:11:53 --> 01:11:54
			But when I let it go,
		
01:11:57 --> 01:11:59
			he took on his thing.
		
01:11:59 --> 01:12:00
			He didn't ask for help in the 1st
		
01:12:00 --> 01:12:01
			place,
		
01:12:01 --> 01:12:04
			but I I I gave the help, and
		
01:12:04 --> 01:12:06
			that's a mistake that I made. But,
		
01:12:07 --> 01:12:09
			I mean, that's just agreeing with you.
		
01:12:09 --> 01:12:11
			We don't need the control.
		
01:12:11 --> 01:12:14
			When we let it go, we can enjoy
		
01:12:14 --> 01:12:15
			the marriage more.
		
01:12:15 --> 01:12:16
			Seriously.
		
01:12:20 --> 01:12:22
			It's as the sister said, you know, is,
		
01:12:22 --> 01:12:24
			this, sorry. Ruby, would you like to chime
		
01:12:24 --> 01:12:25
			in? Yes.
		
01:12:26 --> 01:12:28
			Yeah. I just wanna say something about this
		
01:12:28 --> 01:12:29
			control.
		
01:12:30 --> 01:12:32
			And I myself have worked with women over
		
01:12:32 --> 01:12:33
			the last 20 years
		
01:12:34 --> 01:12:35
			in domestic abuse.
		
01:12:36 --> 01:12:39
			And power and control is one of the
		
01:12:39 --> 01:12:40
			biggest things that,
		
01:12:41 --> 01:12:43
			is the underlying reason for,
		
01:12:45 --> 01:12:45
			drastic
		
01:12:46 --> 01:12:46
			abuse.
		
01:12:47 --> 01:12:49
			Now but what happens is that
		
01:12:52 --> 01:12:53
			the control thing,
		
01:12:56 --> 01:12:59
			is something that sometimes we think we are
		
01:12:59 --> 01:13:00
			not
		
01:13:01 --> 01:13:03
			trying to control. Oh, I'm just trying to
		
01:13:04 --> 01:13:06
			I'm this very loving, kind wife, and and,
		
01:13:06 --> 01:13:09
			you know, I I'm not controlling my husband.
		
01:13:10 --> 01:13:11
			But guess what?
		
01:13:13 --> 01:13:14
			I thought
		
01:13:15 --> 01:13:17
			I was that wife
		
01:13:17 --> 01:13:19
			who was not
		
01:13:19 --> 01:13:21
			trying to control her husband
		
01:13:21 --> 01:13:22
			and
		
01:13:23 --> 01:13:26
			but it came as a shock
		
01:13:26 --> 01:13:29
			because you don't see it until you consciously
		
01:13:30 --> 01:13:31
			understand
		
01:13:32 --> 01:13:33
			how
		
01:13:33 --> 01:13:34
			we think.
		
01:13:35 --> 01:13:36
			Then,
		
01:13:37 --> 01:13:38
			oh my God I saw
		
01:13:40 --> 01:13:41
			that my ego
		
01:13:42 --> 01:13:43
			wanting to be right
		
01:13:43 --> 01:13:45
			and wanting to have control
		
01:13:46 --> 01:13:47
			was in
		
01:13:48 --> 01:13:48
			real operation.
		
01:13:49 --> 01:13:50
			Real operation.
		
01:13:52 --> 01:13:53
			And this was
		
01:13:54 --> 01:13:56
			a shock to be honest because I thought,
		
01:13:56 --> 01:13:58
			well I'm not that kind of person.
		
01:13:58 --> 01:13:59
			But guess what?
		
01:14:01 --> 01:14:02
			I'm underneath.
		
01:14:02 --> 01:14:04
			That's exactly what I was.
		
01:14:05 --> 01:14:07
			And that kind of went
		
01:14:08 --> 01:14:08
			because
		
01:14:10 --> 01:14:11
			it's
		
01:14:12 --> 01:14:14
			control that I didn't see.
		
01:14:14 --> 01:14:15
			It's such a
		
01:14:16 --> 01:14:18
			clever clever one because you you think you're
		
01:14:18 --> 01:14:20
			not, but really
		
01:14:20 --> 01:14:21
			deep down,
		
01:14:22 --> 01:14:23
			you are trying to control.
		
01:14:23 --> 01:14:26
			But only on your when you understand yourself,
		
01:14:26 --> 01:14:28
			like I've just been going on about this
		
01:14:28 --> 01:14:31
			understanding self is powerful.
		
01:14:32 --> 01:14:33
			It's absolutely powerful
		
01:14:33 --> 01:14:34
			because
		
01:14:34 --> 01:14:35
			now
		
01:14:35 --> 01:14:36
			I'm not wanting
		
01:14:37 --> 01:14:38
			to always be right
		
01:14:39 --> 01:14:41
			even though I will speak the truth in
		
01:14:41 --> 01:14:44
			what I think is right or my opinion
		
01:14:44 --> 01:14:45
			and it matters
		
01:14:46 --> 01:14:48
			in in what I want to say.
		
01:14:49 --> 01:14:52
			But it's not trying to have a a
		
01:14:52 --> 01:14:56
			battle of who's right and who's wrong anymore,
		
01:14:57 --> 01:14:59
			as she used to be.
		
01:15:00 --> 01:15:01
			I love that.
		
01:15:01 --> 01:15:02
			And, you know,
		
01:15:03 --> 01:15:06
			obviously, sisters, you know, we know that there
		
01:15:06 --> 01:15:08
			are men who don't take care of their
		
01:15:08 --> 01:15:08
			responsibilities.
		
01:15:09 --> 01:15:12
			We know, unfortunately, that this is a fact.
		
01:15:13 --> 01:15:15
			So again, as I've been saying,
		
01:15:15 --> 01:15:17
			you know, if this applies to you, you
		
01:15:17 --> 01:15:20
			will know. You'll hear yourself, you know. You'll
		
01:15:20 --> 01:15:22
			you'll be able to hear and identify, oh,
		
01:15:22 --> 01:15:24
			yeah. That's me and that's my
		
01:15:24 --> 01:15:26
			husband. If it's not, you know, and if
		
01:15:26 --> 01:15:28
			you're in a situation where, you know, the
		
01:15:28 --> 01:15:30
			the husband is not taking the responsibility and
		
01:15:30 --> 01:15:32
			you are doing everything,
		
01:15:32 --> 01:15:34
			then obviously it's a different dynamic. And so
		
01:15:34 --> 01:15:36
			what we're saying about submitting maybe
		
01:15:37 --> 01:15:38
			may not apply to you, subhanAllah.
		
01:15:40 --> 01:15:43
			So, you know, sisters who, you know, are
		
01:15:43 --> 01:15:44
			don't have the you know, have to take
		
01:15:44 --> 01:15:45
			control
		
01:15:45 --> 01:15:47
			due to being single parent or being in
		
01:15:47 --> 01:15:49
			an abusive relationship or not getting the help
		
01:15:49 --> 01:15:51
			while the children are, you know, with you,
		
01:15:51 --> 01:15:53
			it doesn't we're not talking about that. We're
		
01:15:53 --> 01:15:55
			talking about, I guess, just, you know, average,
		
01:15:56 --> 01:15:58
			you know, male dynamics,
		
01:15:59 --> 01:15:59
			subhanAllah.
		
01:16:01 --> 01:16:03
			Wow. We've said a lot. And we said,
		
01:16:03 --> 01:16:05
			did you want to jump in before we
		
01:16:05 --> 01:16:06
			go on to some of the questions?
		
01:16:09 --> 01:16:10
			You know what? Sometimes I forget that I'm
		
01:16:10 --> 01:16:12
			actually on the panel because I'm just sitting
		
01:16:12 --> 01:16:15
			here taking in the gems and just I
		
01:16:15 --> 01:16:17
			feel like I've because I've been watching
		
01:16:17 --> 01:16:19
			it since yesterday. I just feel like I'm
		
01:16:19 --> 01:16:20
			just watching the
		
01:16:21 --> 01:16:24
			yeah. So I'm just I'm just taking Soaking
		
01:16:24 --> 01:16:26
			in. Just soaking it in.
		
01:16:27 --> 01:16:28
			Sarah, you had your hand up.
		
01:16:30 --> 01:16:31
			Yeah.
		
01:16:31 --> 01:16:33
			Just before I say anything, I did like
		
01:16:33 --> 01:16:35
			I just wanted to reiterate what you said.
		
01:16:35 --> 01:16:37
			When we're talking about
		
01:16:37 --> 01:16:40
			submission, and obviously, I spoke a lot a
		
01:16:40 --> 01:16:42
			bit about this when I first introduced myself
		
01:16:42 --> 01:16:43
			and spoke about
		
01:16:44 --> 01:16:45
			letting our husbands take control
		
01:16:46 --> 01:16:48
			and, you know, being a bit
		
01:16:48 --> 01:16:49
			and obeying our husbands.
		
01:16:50 --> 01:16:52
			There are exception. Don't get me wrong. And,
		
01:16:52 --> 01:16:55
			actually, unfortunately, a lot of the time when
		
01:16:55 --> 01:16:55
			we're online
		
01:16:56 --> 01:16:57
			or we hear we hear the we hear
		
01:16:57 --> 01:16:58
			a lot of the bad stories.
		
01:16:59 --> 01:17:01
			So when we talk when we say you
		
01:17:01 --> 01:17:02
			have to obey your husband, there are gonna
		
01:17:02 --> 01:17:04
			be a lot of women that watch these
		
01:17:04 --> 01:17:06
			videos or hear the war speaking about, like,
		
01:17:06 --> 01:17:08
			no way. My husband does this, and I'm,
		
01:17:08 --> 01:17:10
			you know, traveling. What if this? What if
		
01:17:10 --> 01:17:12
			that? What if this? What if that?
		
01:17:13 --> 01:17:15
			We're talking about earth skies in a marriage,
		
01:17:15 --> 01:17:16
			speaking about
		
01:17:17 --> 01:17:19
			what what we do in in our relationship
		
01:17:19 --> 01:17:21
			to what works, like you said, for the
		
01:17:21 --> 01:17:23
			average marriage or something when there's a bit
		
01:17:23 --> 01:17:25
			of an unbalance. And when we speak about
		
01:17:25 --> 01:17:27
			control or being
		
01:17:27 --> 01:17:30
			submitted, we have to think about
		
01:17:30 --> 01:17:32
			what are we losing
		
01:17:33 --> 01:17:35
			by letting our husband take control?
		
01:17:35 --> 01:17:37
			What are we losing
		
01:17:37 --> 01:17:39
			by making our husband a drink?
		
01:17:39 --> 01:17:41
			My husband all those those times will be
		
01:17:41 --> 01:17:43
			sat with your tail and go, oh, should
		
01:17:43 --> 01:17:44
			we have a cup of tea? And I
		
01:17:44 --> 01:17:45
			go, oh, yeah. Kind of. I wouldn't even
		
01:17:45 --> 01:17:47
			say, oh, I'll go make one.
		
01:17:47 --> 01:17:50
			What am I losing by getting up or
		
01:17:50 --> 01:17:52
			making my husband some food or making him
		
01:17:52 --> 01:17:55
			a drink? But I'm gaining so much. And
		
01:17:55 --> 01:17:57
			in regards to one of us wanting to
		
01:17:57 --> 01:18:00
			control things and, you know, nagging and wanting
		
01:18:00 --> 01:18:03
			everything our way, that comes back to us,
		
01:18:03 --> 01:18:04
			not to
		
01:18:04 --> 01:18:07
			the actual, you know, the actual thing of
		
01:18:07 --> 01:18:09
			obeying your husband or being a specific wife
		
01:18:10 --> 01:18:12
			because that's our mindset. So you need to
		
01:18:12 --> 01:18:14
			think about if you're thinking if you feel
		
01:18:14 --> 01:18:15
			a bit triggered or you feel a bit
		
01:18:16 --> 01:18:18
			Yep. Taken back by the way that we're
		
01:18:18 --> 01:18:21
			speaking and we're using words like submissive because
		
01:18:21 --> 01:18:23
			it has again, like I said, compromise. Compromise
		
01:18:23 --> 01:18:26
			has got a very negative connotation. It probably
		
01:18:26 --> 01:18:28
			has got that meaning, but when I say
		
01:18:28 --> 01:18:29
			compromise, it is a submissive
		
01:18:30 --> 01:18:31
			related to that.
		
01:18:31 --> 01:18:33
			And we like I said, we just need
		
01:18:33 --> 01:18:34
			to think about
		
01:18:35 --> 01:18:37
			where we are in our marriage. What is
		
01:18:37 --> 01:18:38
			our role in our marriage? What is our
		
01:18:38 --> 01:18:41
			husband's role? If he if your husband is
		
01:18:41 --> 01:18:43
			fulfilling his role in the marriage and he's
		
01:18:43 --> 01:18:44
			providing for you and things like that, and
		
01:18:44 --> 01:18:46
			I know I get it in our west
		
01:18:46 --> 01:18:48
			in this world, Westernwood, a lot of people
		
01:18:48 --> 01:18:49
			have to work 2 jobs.
		
01:18:49 --> 01:18:50
			But we have to go back to the
		
01:18:50 --> 01:18:53
			point is we shouldn't be getting married if
		
01:18:53 --> 01:18:55
			we can't afford to. And that's probably gonna
		
01:18:55 --> 01:18:57
			be a lot of people that can say,
		
01:18:57 --> 01:18:58
			what? But,
		
01:18:58 --> 01:19:00
			you know, why are you being talking to
		
01:19:00 --> 01:19:02
			your marriage if our rights not gonna be
		
01:19:03 --> 01:19:03
			fulfilled.
		
01:19:04 --> 01:19:06
			And, yeah, I got married young. I didn't
		
01:19:06 --> 01:19:08
			even think about anything like that, finances and
		
01:19:08 --> 01:19:10
			all that sort of stuff. My husband just
		
01:19:10 --> 01:19:12
			said, I'll look after you. Don't worry. You
		
01:19:12 --> 01:19:13
			know, all this kind of thing when when,
		
01:19:13 --> 01:19:15
			you know, we we were looking about thinking
		
01:19:15 --> 01:19:17
			about getting married and all that sort of
		
01:19:17 --> 01:19:19
			thing. So it's just, again, thinking about
		
01:19:19 --> 01:19:20
			us.
		
01:19:21 --> 01:19:22
			What is your role? Who are you? What
		
01:19:22 --> 01:19:24
			is your role as a wife? What is
		
01:19:24 --> 01:19:26
			your role as a mother? Because they these
		
01:19:26 --> 01:19:27
			are all connected.
		
01:19:27 --> 01:19:30
			What is it that he wants as well
		
01:19:30 --> 01:19:31
			as what you want?
		
01:19:32 --> 01:19:34
			And are you gonna be losing something so
		
01:19:34 --> 01:19:37
			bad? You won't and, again, when I say,
		
01:19:37 --> 01:19:39
			you know, compromise, I'm not talking about losing
		
01:19:39 --> 01:19:41
			your identity because that's a completely different subject
		
01:19:41 --> 01:19:42
			and something
		
01:19:42 --> 01:19:44
			that I did.
		
01:19:44 --> 01:19:46
			You can keep your identity and be a
		
01:19:46 --> 01:19:48
			submissive wife. You can keep your independence
		
01:19:48 --> 01:19:50
			and be a submissive wife, and let let
		
01:19:50 --> 01:19:52
			go some of the control as well.
		
01:19:53 --> 01:19:55
			I wanna just thank you so much for
		
01:19:55 --> 01:19:57
			that, Sarah. And I just wanna just
		
01:19:57 --> 01:20:00
			just jump in here to say as well
		
01:20:00 --> 01:20:00
			that
		
01:20:01 --> 01:20:04
			for many of us, I think, you know,
		
01:20:04 --> 01:20:05
			I can say certainly for myself,
		
01:20:06 --> 01:20:08
			you know, the type of programming that we
		
01:20:08 --> 01:20:10
			have, many of us are unaware of it.
		
01:20:10 --> 01:20:12
			So if your husband does ask you to
		
01:20:12 --> 01:20:14
			get him a drink, for example,
		
01:20:14 --> 01:20:15
			it's a request.
		
01:20:16 --> 01:20:17
			Now
		
01:20:18 --> 01:20:19
			some people.
		
01:20:19 --> 01:20:20
			Yeah, sure.
		
01:20:20 --> 01:20:22
			Go and do it. Love it. Yeah. You
		
01:20:22 --> 01:20:24
			know what? I'm thinking a tea would be
		
01:20:24 --> 01:20:25
			nice as well. I'll go get it. I'll
		
01:20:25 --> 01:20:28
			go get it for someone else. Again, it's
		
01:20:28 --> 01:20:28
			that perception.
		
01:20:29 --> 01:20:31
			It's that understanding. What is being triggered?
		
01:20:32 --> 01:20:34
			What do you think I am? A glorified
		
01:20:34 --> 01:20:36
			maid? What do you think I am? Just
		
01:20:36 --> 01:20:37
			here to serve you? And, and the thing
		
01:20:37 --> 01:20:39
			is sisters, let's keep it a buck because,
		
01:20:40 --> 01:20:42
			when I, when we having even comments in
		
01:20:42 --> 01:20:44
			here and in the youtube and just in
		
01:20:44 --> 01:20:46
			general on social media, this whole thing of
		
01:20:46 --> 01:20:47
			a glorified
		
01:20:47 --> 01:20:48
			maid,
		
01:20:48 --> 01:20:51
			we need to stop with that. Okay. We
		
01:20:51 --> 01:20:52
			need to stop with that because
		
01:20:53 --> 01:20:55
			these are messages that we've taken from the
		
01:20:55 --> 01:20:56
			society
		
01:20:56 --> 01:20:57
			that certain
		
01:20:58 --> 01:20:59
			acts of service
		
01:20:59 --> 01:21:02
			are below us, are beneath us, that we
		
01:21:02 --> 01:21:03
			are better than that.
		
01:21:04 --> 01:21:06
			Whatever, for whatever reason, because
		
01:21:06 --> 01:21:08
			you know, we're educated or because we, we
		
01:21:08 --> 01:21:10
			have careers or this or that. We are
		
01:21:10 --> 01:21:13
			too good to serve. We're too good to
		
01:21:13 --> 01:21:15
			serve in laws. We're too good to serve
		
01:21:15 --> 01:21:17
			our husband. We're too good to stay home
		
01:21:17 --> 01:21:20
			and raise children because society has told us
		
01:21:20 --> 01:21:21
			that those tasks
		
01:21:22 --> 01:21:22
			are menial
		
01:21:23 --> 01:21:24
			and are not worthy
		
01:21:24 --> 01:21:26
			and other tasks,
		
01:21:26 --> 01:21:29
			masculine tasks, money making tasks
		
01:21:29 --> 01:21:32
			are of a higher value and are of
		
01:21:32 --> 01:21:34
			more value and that's really what is worthy
		
01:21:34 --> 01:21:37
			of respect. And I think that that's firstly
		
01:21:37 --> 01:21:38
			from our Dean
		
01:21:39 --> 01:21:42
			Lee not the case because we know as
		
01:21:42 --> 01:21:44
			you guys are each of you have said
		
01:21:44 --> 01:21:45
			in your own way,
		
01:21:45 --> 01:21:47
			everything that we do in these relationships
		
01:21:48 --> 01:21:49
			is an act of
		
01:21:50 --> 01:21:51
			the. We make intention,
		
01:21:51 --> 01:21:53
			we get reward for it. Whether it's
		
01:21:54 --> 01:21:54
			paying a bill,
		
01:21:55 --> 01:21:56
			making cup of tea,
		
01:21:57 --> 01:21:59
			weaning a child, you know, supporting the start
		
01:21:59 --> 01:22:02
			of business, whatever it is, this is all
		
01:22:02 --> 01:22:04
			a bada. And if it's done, like Omasa
		
01:22:04 --> 01:22:07
			was saying for the sake of Allah, what
		
01:22:07 --> 01:22:08
			will you lose?
		
01:22:08 --> 01:22:10
			What will you lose? Can I just say
		
01:22:10 --> 01:22:12
			here as well, I'm just listening to you
		
01:22:12 --> 01:22:15
			guys talk about submission? Right? And
		
01:22:15 --> 01:22:18
			trigger word, submission. But I think it comes
		
01:22:18 --> 01:22:20
			down to our battle with our own nuffs
		
01:22:20 --> 01:22:20
			as well,
		
01:22:21 --> 01:22:22
			you know, and and it comes down to
		
01:22:22 --> 01:22:24
			what the things that we enjoy. So you
		
01:22:24 --> 01:22:27
			might have that serving the the tea issue,
		
01:22:27 --> 01:22:29
			but I think it's also obedience
		
01:22:30 --> 01:22:31
			comes into for me,
		
01:22:32 --> 01:22:34
			my battle has been where it's things that
		
01:22:34 --> 01:22:35
			I want to do,
		
01:22:36 --> 01:22:37
			things that I enjoy doing,
		
01:22:38 --> 01:22:39
			and
		
01:22:39 --> 01:22:42
			certain things that he doesn't think it's appropriate.
		
01:22:42 --> 01:22:43
			For instance,
		
01:22:43 --> 01:22:45
			maybe staying out too late if a sister
		
01:22:45 --> 01:22:46
			has a,
		
01:22:46 --> 01:22:48
			you know, a get together and it goes
		
01:22:48 --> 01:22:51
			out like crazy hours. You know? Some sisters,
		
01:22:51 --> 01:22:54
			husbands may think it's okay because they're as
		
01:22:54 --> 01:22:57
			long as you're driving safe, you're with sisters,
		
01:22:58 --> 01:23:00
			you know, your environment is generally okay. I'm
		
01:23:00 --> 01:23:02
			just giving an example. Things that you may
		
01:23:02 --> 01:23:05
			have done as the norm, pre marriage,
		
01:23:05 --> 01:23:07
			and then you get married and and and
		
01:23:07 --> 01:23:08
			they were good things. They were fun. They
		
01:23:08 --> 01:23:09
			were sisterhood.
		
01:23:10 --> 01:23:12
			They were your me time. But then now
		
01:23:12 --> 01:23:13
			he's objecting it.
		
01:23:14 --> 01:23:15
			It's gonna be like
		
01:23:16 --> 01:23:18
			sometimes it could be why are you taking
		
01:23:18 --> 01:23:19
			away something that I enjoy,
		
01:23:20 --> 01:23:21
			1.
		
01:23:21 --> 01:23:21
			2,
		
01:23:22 --> 01:23:23
			he'll say, look. Do your thing. Do it
		
01:23:23 --> 01:23:25
			during the day. I'm just giving you an
		
01:23:25 --> 01:23:26
			example. You know?
		
01:23:26 --> 01:23:28
			But I don't want you out at late.
		
01:23:28 --> 01:23:30
			I have friends as well whose whose husband
		
01:23:30 --> 01:23:31
			say, I don't want you out after makhrib,
		
01:23:31 --> 01:23:33
			you know. So
		
01:23:33 --> 01:23:35
			but they were used to going out after
		
01:23:35 --> 01:23:37
			makhrib before, for instance.
		
01:23:37 --> 01:23:39
			It's this thing where it's the bitter pill
		
01:23:39 --> 01:23:41
			to swallow sometimes as well. And then we
		
01:23:41 --> 01:23:43
			but but but so and so is going,
		
01:23:43 --> 01:23:45
			but so and so's husband's allowing it. And
		
01:23:45 --> 01:23:47
			I think also here, when it comes down
		
01:23:47 --> 01:23:49
			to submission, one thing I want to bring
		
01:23:49 --> 01:23:51
			in is it's very important that we have
		
01:23:51 --> 01:23:52
			a support network.
		
01:23:53 --> 01:23:55
			And it's not just a support network. When
		
01:23:55 --> 01:23:56
			times are tough,
		
01:23:57 --> 01:23:59
			a good friend to talk to or someone
		
01:23:59 --> 01:24:00
			to go to who would
		
01:24:02 --> 01:24:03
			give you good advice. Not what you wanna
		
01:24:03 --> 01:24:06
			hear, what you should hear. There's a difference.
		
01:24:06 --> 01:24:06
			Right?
		
01:24:07 --> 01:24:09
			But you should also have friends who won't
		
01:24:09 --> 01:24:11
			mock you due to your submission,
		
01:24:12 --> 01:24:14
			you know, not make your situation worse. If
		
01:24:14 --> 01:24:16
			you turn around and say to your friend,
		
01:24:16 --> 01:24:18
			you know, my husband said I can't come.
		
01:24:18 --> 01:24:20
			You know, I went to a gathering last
		
01:24:20 --> 01:24:22
			week. He doesn't want me going out again
		
01:24:22 --> 01:24:23
			this weekend.
		
01:24:23 --> 01:24:26
			He's saying no. You know? He just said
		
01:24:26 --> 01:24:28
			no. You know, I you can't go. I'm
		
01:24:28 --> 01:24:29
			just saying.
		
01:24:30 --> 01:24:32
			I'm not saying that he's saying you can't
		
01:24:32 --> 01:24:33
			go at all. He's saying, well, you've had,
		
01:24:33 --> 01:24:35
			like, 3 gatherings this week already and now
		
01:24:35 --> 01:24:37
			another one on the weekend. You know?
		
01:24:38 --> 01:24:40
			Just example. Right?
		
01:24:41 --> 01:24:43
			And then the sisters are like, yeah, but
		
01:24:43 --> 01:24:44
			tell your husband,
		
01:24:44 --> 01:24:45
			like, you know,
		
01:24:46 --> 01:24:47
			they were other sisters.
		
01:24:47 --> 01:24:49
			You know, what about us? You know, give
		
01:24:49 --> 01:24:51
			us our time. You know, give us,
		
01:24:52 --> 01:24:54
			you know, if you went with other sisters
		
01:24:54 --> 01:24:55
			or you did whatever, why are you gonna
		
01:24:55 --> 01:24:57
			miss out? Gathering's not gonna be the same
		
01:24:57 --> 01:24:59
			without you, you know.
		
01:25:00 --> 01:25:01
			Oh, you're missing out. And all of this
		
01:25:01 --> 01:25:03
			stuff they egg you on in in a
		
01:25:03 --> 01:25:05
			way where you feel like you're missing out.
		
01:25:06 --> 01:25:08
			But you're trying to please your husband at
		
01:25:08 --> 01:25:10
			the same time that your friends and girlfriends
		
01:25:10 --> 01:25:12
			and your homies are custom pussy you out.
		
01:25:12 --> 01:25:13
			It's not healthy.
		
01:25:14 --> 01:25:15
			It's not good. And then you feel, like,
		
01:25:15 --> 01:25:18
			resentment towards him saying and then afterwards, they'll
		
01:25:18 --> 01:25:20
			send you pictures of the food. They'll tell
		
01:25:20 --> 01:25:22
			you pictures of what they did.
		
01:25:22 --> 01:25:24
			And then they're like, you missed out, girlfriend.
		
01:25:24 --> 01:25:25
			You missed out. You just stayed at home.
		
01:25:25 --> 01:25:27
			What did you do? You know? And it's
		
01:25:28 --> 01:25:29
			Don't tell them what you did when you
		
01:25:29 --> 01:25:31
			stayed home. You just don't tell them. Let
		
01:25:31 --> 01:25:33
			them stay with their pictures.
		
01:25:33 --> 01:25:36
			No. That's good. But, you know yeah. It
		
01:25:36 --> 01:25:38
			it creates an unhealthy environment. I think sisters
		
01:25:38 --> 01:25:40
			sometimes do this to one another as well.
		
01:25:40 --> 01:25:42
			I'm just saying sisters should be careful as
		
01:25:42 --> 01:25:44
			well. If a sister says my husband said
		
01:25:45 --> 01:25:45
			no,
		
01:25:45 --> 01:25:48
			don't encourage the sister to challenge her husband
		
01:25:48 --> 01:25:50
			because I see that culture quite a lot
		
01:25:50 --> 01:25:52
			as well. Like, you know, sometimes it could
		
01:25:52 --> 01:25:54
			be go and work your magic, you know,
		
01:25:54 --> 01:25:55
			see.
		
01:25:55 --> 01:25:57
			But sometimes the sister has to judge her
		
01:25:57 --> 01:25:58
			situation herself.
		
01:25:59 --> 01:26:00
			She says she can't come out.
		
01:26:01 --> 01:26:03
			Leave it, mom. You don't know what's going
		
01:26:03 --> 01:26:04
			on in these 4 walls.
		
01:26:05 --> 01:26:07
			So It's like, you know, Amisa, as you
		
01:26:07 --> 01:26:08
			said no. No. No. It's I I get
		
01:26:08 --> 01:26:10
			it. And I think even for for for
		
01:26:10 --> 01:26:11
			me, like, I you know, I'm sure I've
		
01:26:11 --> 01:26:13
			been there. I'm sure we've all been there.
		
01:26:13 --> 01:26:15
			Right? We're like, oh, why is he giving
		
01:26:15 --> 01:26:17
			her a hard time? Oh, he's so difficult.
		
01:26:17 --> 01:26:19
			Right? You know, because there's good Muslim husbands
		
01:26:19 --> 01:26:21
			and there's bad Muslim husbands. Right? The good
		
01:26:21 --> 01:26:23
			ones are the nice easy ones that let
		
01:26:23 --> 01:26:24
			you do whatever you like. The bad ones
		
01:26:24 --> 01:26:26
			are the ones who've actually got something to
		
01:26:26 --> 01:26:28
			say about things, you know. This is a
		
01:26:28 --> 01:26:30
			joke. And then I had a with it's
		
01:26:30 --> 01:26:32
			on in one of the interviews for the
		
01:26:32 --> 01:26:35
			marriage conversation. But anyway, I think even us
		
01:26:35 --> 01:26:36
			as sisters as you said,
		
01:26:37 --> 01:26:38
			respecting
		
01:26:38 --> 01:26:39
			your husband.
		
01:26:40 --> 01:26:42
			So for example, when we were putting the
		
01:26:42 --> 01:26:44
			posters for this together, I asked you for
		
01:26:44 --> 01:26:46
			a picture and I said, do you want
		
01:26:46 --> 01:26:48
			to have a picture on the poster? And,
		
01:26:48 --> 01:26:49
			you know, do you want to have it
		
01:26:49 --> 01:26:51
			with niqab or not? Because in because I
		
01:26:51 --> 01:26:53
			know you and I'm thinking to myself,
		
01:26:53 --> 01:26:55
			I, you know, I don't know whether
		
01:26:56 --> 01:26:58
			family is cool with that or not. And
		
01:26:58 --> 01:27:00
			if the family hadn't been cool, I'm saying
		
01:27:00 --> 01:27:02
			the family like the brothers do. But if
		
01:27:02 --> 01:27:03
			your husband hadn't been cool, if he had
		
01:27:03 --> 01:27:05
			been like, you know, I don't really want
		
01:27:05 --> 01:27:06
			you out there like that. I'd be like,
		
01:27:06 --> 01:27:08
			okay. Cool. No problem. That's, you know, we
		
01:27:08 --> 01:27:10
			don't we can work without that.
		
01:27:10 --> 01:27:12
			And I think that,
		
01:27:12 --> 01:27:14
			like I said, it could be certainly a
		
01:27:14 --> 01:27:16
			western thing. It could be that in other
		
01:27:16 --> 01:27:18
			parts of the world that's a given. But
		
01:27:18 --> 01:27:20
			certainly in our communities is the way they're
		
01:27:20 --> 01:27:20
			shifting.
		
01:27:21 --> 01:27:23
			It's kinda like, nah, nah, nah, they'll be
		
01:27:23 --> 01:27:26
			fine or whatever. But, subhanallah, it's the there's
		
01:27:26 --> 01:27:28
			a lot a lot to say on this
		
01:27:28 --> 01:27:28
			topic.
		
01:27:30 --> 01:27:31
			Parting advice.
		
01:27:31 --> 01:27:33
			Well, no. No. Actually, no. Not parting advice.
		
01:27:33 --> 01:27:35
			We've got good questions here.
		
01:27:35 --> 01:27:37
			Wait a minute. These are some very, very
		
01:27:37 --> 01:27:38
			good questions, and we need to answer some
		
01:27:38 --> 01:27:39
			of them.
		
01:27:40 --> 01:27:42
			This is very interesting, and I wanna hear
		
01:27:42 --> 01:27:45
			everybody's views on this. Sister says,
		
01:27:45 --> 01:27:48
			we have, I to have a relationship
		
01:27:48 --> 01:27:51
			where we have stuff to share even when
		
01:27:51 --> 01:27:52
			it's trivial is lovely.
		
01:27:53 --> 01:27:56
			However, my prospective spouse keeps saying he has
		
01:27:56 --> 01:27:58
			nothing to say and he makes me feel
		
01:27:58 --> 01:28:01
			kind of lonely. Should this be a red
		
01:28:01 --> 01:28:01
			flag?
		
01:28:04 --> 01:28:05
			Yes. If yes.
		
01:28:05 --> 01:28:08
			Why? No. If no, why not?
		
01:28:09 --> 01:28:11
			So it seems like they don't have much
		
01:28:11 --> 01:28:13
			to in common or much to talk about
		
01:28:13 --> 01:28:15
			and she's she wants a relationship where they've
		
01:28:15 --> 01:28:18
			got stuff to talk about, I guess.
		
01:28:18 --> 01:28:19
			Red flag? Yes? No?
		
01:28:21 --> 01:28:23
			Personally, from my own
		
01:28:23 --> 01:28:24
			perspective,
		
01:28:27 --> 01:28:29
			Personally, from my own perspective,
		
01:28:30 --> 01:28:33
			you need to have that spark
		
01:28:33 --> 01:28:35
			in in that relationship and be on the
		
01:28:35 --> 01:28:36
			same kind of intellectual level to
		
01:28:44 --> 01:28:46
			It might be that he's just a bit
		
01:28:46 --> 01:28:46
			shy.
		
01:28:47 --> 01:28:49
			It might be that. He might be just
		
01:28:49 --> 01:28:51
			nervous. He might be shy. You gotta remember,
		
01:28:51 --> 01:28:54
			before you get married, obviously, I'm a read,
		
01:28:54 --> 01:28:54
			but
		
01:28:56 --> 01:28:56
			you,
		
01:28:57 --> 01:28:58
			especially, you know, in culture
		
01:28:59 --> 01:29:01
			or being told not to speak to men.
		
01:29:01 --> 01:29:02
			And then all of a sudden, you got
		
01:29:02 --> 01:29:05
			married 1, and you've gotta talk to
		
01:29:05 --> 01:29:07
			us. And then it's like, what? And then
		
01:29:07 --> 01:29:09
			a lot of lady That's a good point,
		
01:29:09 --> 01:29:10
			sis.
		
01:29:15 --> 01:29:16
			This is me
		
01:29:16 --> 01:29:19
			of perspective that I'm coming into Muslim the
		
01:29:19 --> 01:29:20
			Muslim faith
		
01:29:21 --> 01:29:22
			and, you know, in my in my 20.
		
01:29:23 --> 01:29:25
			And it's like, you know and and it's
		
01:29:25 --> 01:29:27
			like, can you imagine not being speaking to
		
01:29:27 --> 01:29:28
			someone that all of a sudden you've got
		
01:29:28 --> 01:29:30
			this girl talking to you and she's like,
		
01:29:30 --> 01:29:31
			oh, I'm doing my nails and seeing my
		
01:29:31 --> 01:29:33
			friends. And because a lot of girls, when
		
01:29:33 --> 01:29:35
			you're in your early twenties, you you've got
		
01:29:35 --> 01:29:37
			so much to talk about as well. And
		
01:29:37 --> 01:29:39
			if you're you've got this idea in your
		
01:29:39 --> 01:29:40
			head that you probably even
		
01:29:40 --> 01:29:44
			sometimes, I'm young girls that that have made
		
01:29:44 --> 01:29:46
			books, and they've taken cuttings about what their
		
01:29:46 --> 01:29:48
			wedding's gonna look like, what their marriage is
		
01:29:48 --> 01:29:50
			gonna be like, and they're gonna do this
		
01:29:50 --> 01:29:51
			traveling and have all this fun with their
		
01:29:51 --> 01:29:52
			husband.
		
01:29:52 --> 01:29:54
			And then when they're up to talk to
		
01:29:54 --> 01:29:56
			someone, the guy just freezes up.
		
01:29:57 --> 01:29:58
			Am I saying the wrong thing? Am I
		
01:29:58 --> 01:30:00
			saying the bad thing? You know?
		
01:30:00 --> 01:30:02
			So I would try and price it out
		
01:30:02 --> 01:30:04
			a little bit more. I wouldn't necessarily say
		
01:30:04 --> 01:30:06
			it's a red flag at the start.
		
01:30:06 --> 01:30:08
			It may be a red flag in the
		
01:30:08 --> 01:30:09
			sense of you might not be compatible,
		
01:30:10 --> 01:30:12
			but I wouldn't say it's not someone you
		
01:30:12 --> 01:30:14
			can't get married to. I would just keep
		
01:30:14 --> 01:30:15
			that in mind
		
01:30:15 --> 01:30:17
			that they could be just a bit shy
		
01:30:18 --> 01:30:19
			or not really sure what to say or
		
01:30:19 --> 01:30:21
			how to converse with you or they're still
		
01:30:21 --> 01:30:23
			trying to keep their hair. They're trying, you
		
01:30:23 --> 01:30:25
			know, they're trying to keep that boundary still.
		
01:30:25 --> 01:30:28
			Married or is it No. It's a perspective.
		
01:30:28 --> 01:30:29
			It's a perspective
		
01:30:30 --> 01:30:30
			spouse.
		
01:30:32 --> 01:30:34
			What's what say you, rapid fire?
		
01:30:35 --> 01:30:37
			For me, I I think that that, you
		
01:30:37 --> 01:30:39
			know, I really feel that brothers and sisters
		
01:30:39 --> 01:30:40
			should meet
		
01:30:41 --> 01:30:43
			and have a meeting because,
		
01:30:44 --> 01:30:46
			you know, you you get a sense of
		
01:30:46 --> 01:30:46
			chemistry,
		
01:30:47 --> 01:30:47
			you know.
		
01:30:48 --> 01:30:49
			And even if there's not a lot of
		
01:30:49 --> 01:30:51
			dialogue, you can just see if they're if
		
01:30:51 --> 01:30:53
			you're bouncing off one another.
		
01:30:53 --> 01:30:56
			And if he's not talking, maybe it's he's
		
01:30:56 --> 01:30:59
			not quite, like, sister Sarah saying, interested in
		
01:30:59 --> 01:31:01
			or doesn't know how to respond to what
		
01:31:01 --> 01:31:03
			you have to say because of what you're
		
01:31:03 --> 01:31:05
			speaking about. But maybe try and I would
		
01:31:05 --> 01:31:07
			say ask him about his interests
		
01:31:07 --> 01:31:10
			and the things that his hobbies or his
		
01:31:10 --> 01:31:13
			pastimes, and maybe that will get him kind
		
01:31:13 --> 01:31:14
			of talking in a little bit more comfortable.
		
01:31:16 --> 01:31:18
			I think also women in general have a
		
01:31:18 --> 01:31:21
			more confidence in this area or they've done
		
01:31:21 --> 01:31:24
			more thinking about it. Right? So when they
		
01:31:24 --> 01:31:27
			go into a marriage conversation, they've got like
		
01:31:27 --> 01:31:28
			a whole list of questions
		
01:31:29 --> 01:31:31
			and so many boxes they wanna tick and
		
01:31:31 --> 01:31:33
			things they wanna make sure make sure make
		
01:31:33 --> 01:31:34
			sure. And a lot of the time the
		
01:31:34 --> 01:31:36
			brothers haven't really given it that much thought.
		
01:31:36 --> 01:31:37
			They just like, if I like her, I
		
01:31:37 --> 01:31:39
			like her, ain't it? Who was Aynav? What
		
01:31:39 --> 01:31:40
			do you think? Should is this a red
		
01:31:40 --> 01:31:42
			flag? Is this something she should look out
		
01:31:42 --> 01:31:42
			for?
		
01:31:43 --> 01:31:44
			Or, you know, or is it an absolute
		
01:31:44 --> 01:31:46
			no? Just forget it.
		
01:31:50 --> 01:31:53
			For me, I look at it as
		
01:31:53 --> 01:31:55
			an opportunity for exploration.
		
01:31:57 --> 01:31:58
			Right?
		
01:31:59 --> 01:32:00
			And exploration
		
01:32:01 --> 01:32:04
			and I'm deliberate about using that word exploration
		
01:32:04 --> 01:32:04
			because
		
01:32:06 --> 01:32:08
			exploration doesn't come from a place of judgment.
		
01:32:09 --> 01:32:10
			Because
		
01:32:10 --> 01:32:13
			if I'm looking at this person as doesn't
		
01:32:13 --> 01:32:15
			like talking, he doesn't say anything, whatever,
		
01:32:15 --> 01:32:17
			there is He doesn't tick that box. He
		
01:32:17 --> 01:32:19
			doesn't tick that box of mine. There could
		
01:32:19 --> 01:32:21
			Yeah. There could be some judgment there. So
		
01:32:21 --> 01:32:23
			if I were to set aside the judgment
		
01:32:23 --> 01:32:25
			and come from a place of curiosity
		
01:32:26 --> 01:32:28
			so it's still a prospectus part. So that
		
01:32:28 --> 01:32:31
			means there's still exploration going on. So
		
01:32:32 --> 01:32:32
			curiosity.
		
01:32:34 --> 01:32:36
			There's hardly anyone who can avoid,
		
01:32:38 --> 01:32:39
			you know, interested
		
01:32:39 --> 01:32:40
			questions.
		
01:32:41 --> 01:32:42
			Mhmm.
		
01:32:43 --> 01:32:45
			You know? Because that's where curiosity leads to
		
01:32:46 --> 01:32:48
			interested questions. It's not like an interview, you
		
01:32:48 --> 01:32:49
			know?
		
01:32:50 --> 01:32:51
			It's really about
		
01:32:51 --> 01:32:52
			being interested
		
01:32:53 --> 01:32:54
			in whatever about
		
01:32:55 --> 01:32:56
			this person's life,
		
01:32:56 --> 01:32:58
			and it's possible
		
01:32:59 --> 01:33:01
			to see what's going on. And then to
		
01:33:01 --> 01:33:02
			actually even find out
		
01:33:02 --> 01:33:04
			and maybe even see why they're not
		
01:33:05 --> 01:33:07
			willing to so share. It's not like, oh,
		
01:33:07 --> 01:33:09
			I want us to talk. Let's talk. We
		
01:33:09 --> 01:33:10
			it it can happen that way. It's really
		
01:33:10 --> 01:33:12
			about being curious
		
01:33:12 --> 01:33:14
			and all that. So I don't see that
		
01:33:14 --> 01:33:16
			as a red flag. I see it as
		
01:33:16 --> 01:33:16
			an opportunity
		
01:33:17 --> 01:33:19
			for, you know, genuine curious
		
01:33:20 --> 01:33:23
			exploration, and then you can actually see
		
01:33:23 --> 01:33:25
			what would happen out of there.
		
01:33:26 --> 01:33:28
			So sisters mentioned that the red flag is
		
01:33:28 --> 01:33:30
			not the fact that he can't converse,
		
01:33:31 --> 01:33:33
			the lonely feeling. And I I'd like to
		
01:33:33 --> 01:33:34
			speak to that if possible.
		
01:33:39 --> 01:33:40
			Okay. Let let let let let let sister
		
01:33:40 --> 01:33:43
			Ruby go. That that Sister Ruby, go ahead.
		
01:33:43 --> 01:33:44
			What say you what say you to this?
		
01:33:44 --> 01:33:46
			There too. Yeah. There's something there.
		
01:33:47 --> 01:33:49
			I wanted to just sort
		
01:33:49 --> 01:33:49
			of,
		
01:33:50 --> 01:33:54
			reply to the, red flag as the lonely
		
01:33:54 --> 01:33:54
			feeling,
		
01:33:54 --> 01:33:57
			And I would say that's 100% true.
		
01:33:58 --> 01:33:59
			Because
		
01:34:01 --> 01:34:02
			wives can be lonely
		
01:34:04 --> 01:34:06
			or if you're not married yet, you can
		
01:34:06 --> 01:34:08
			have you could be lonely in a family.
		
01:34:08 --> 01:34:10
			You can have people around you, and you
		
01:34:10 --> 01:34:11
			can still feel lonely.
		
01:34:12 --> 01:34:14
			So the feeling
		
01:34:14 --> 01:34:15
			of loneliness
		
01:34:16 --> 01:34:19
			does not come from
		
01:34:19 --> 01:34:20
			people.
		
01:34:22 --> 01:34:22
			It doesn't.
		
01:34:24 --> 01:34:25
			The feeling
		
01:34:25 --> 01:34:26
			of loneliness
		
01:34:27 --> 01:34:29
			comes from a place called thought.
		
01:34:31 --> 01:34:31
			You're having
		
01:34:32 --> 01:34:32
			a thought
		
01:34:33 --> 01:34:37
			that you're thinking that you are feeling lonely
		
01:34:38 --> 01:34:41
			because of this guy not saying anything.
		
01:34:42 --> 01:34:43
			No. No. No. No. No.
		
01:34:43 --> 01:34:44
			No.
		
01:34:44 --> 01:34:46
			This guy might have all sorts on his
		
01:34:46 --> 01:34:47
			mind.
		
01:34:47 --> 01:34:48
			Okay?
		
01:34:48 --> 01:34:50
			You know? He he his his mind is
		
01:34:50 --> 01:34:52
			busy elsewhere maybe.
		
01:34:53 --> 01:34:56
			But that feeling of our loneliness,
		
01:34:58 --> 01:34:59
			it is not coming from here.
		
01:35:01 --> 01:35:03
			100% wrong. And when we see that,
		
01:35:04 --> 01:35:05
			then
		
01:35:06 --> 01:35:07
			we get out of our own way
		
01:35:09 --> 01:35:09
			first,
		
01:35:10 --> 01:35:11
			and then we have a connection.
		
01:35:12 --> 01:35:14
			And that's where the conversation starts.
		
01:35:16 --> 01:35:18
			I love that. I love that. And
		
01:35:19 --> 01:35:20
			subhanAllah, just the
		
01:35:21 --> 01:35:23
			the the bit that I wanted to kind
		
01:35:23 --> 01:35:24
			of just alert
		
01:35:25 --> 01:35:27
			whoever feels this way too is
		
01:35:28 --> 01:35:29
			just be aware
		
01:35:29 --> 01:35:33
			that as sister Ruby said, whatever you are
		
01:35:33 --> 01:35:36
			thinking about what's happening is what's impacting the
		
01:35:36 --> 01:35:38
			way you feel. Right? It's your thoughts that
		
01:35:38 --> 01:35:40
			create the feelings and the emotions.
		
01:35:40 --> 01:35:41
			So for example,
		
01:35:42 --> 01:35:44
			when we have expectations,
		
01:35:44 --> 01:35:48
			for example, of the zing a dazing. Okay.
		
01:35:48 --> 01:35:49
			If you guys know what the zing a
		
01:35:49 --> 01:35:51
			dazing is, it's like that lightning chemistry when
		
01:35:51 --> 01:35:53
			you, you know you look in someone's eyes
		
01:35:53 --> 01:35:54
			and you know
		
01:35:55 --> 01:35:58
			he's the one. Right? Or you know you
		
01:35:58 --> 01:36:00
			you've met your soul mate and he just
		
01:36:00 --> 01:36:02
			gets you. You know, like he just understands
		
01:36:03 --> 01:36:05
			me, right? All of that stuff that we
		
01:36:05 --> 01:36:07
			read about and we hear in the songs
		
01:36:07 --> 01:36:07
			and everything.
		
01:36:09 --> 01:36:12
			If you are looking for that feeling,
		
01:36:14 --> 01:36:15
			you may,
		
01:36:15 --> 01:36:16
			a,
		
01:36:17 --> 01:36:21
			miss red flags because you're so invested in
		
01:36:21 --> 01:36:23
			chasing a feeling, whatever that feeling is, the
		
01:36:23 --> 01:36:26
			feeling of not feeling lonely, the feeling of
		
01:36:26 --> 01:36:28
			being desired, the feeling of being wanted, the
		
01:36:28 --> 01:36:32
			feeling of being seen, all of these feelings,
		
01:36:32 --> 01:36:34
			when we're chasing those feelings, it can lead
		
01:36:34 --> 01:36:37
			us to ignore real red flags. Okay? Like
		
01:36:37 --> 01:36:40
			real red flags, flaws in someone's character.
		
01:36:41 --> 01:36:41
			Clear incompatibility.
		
01:36:42 --> 01:36:45
			Right? Clearly not being on the same page.
		
01:36:45 --> 01:36:47
			Clear, you know, wrong intentions and all of
		
01:36:47 --> 01:36:49
			that kind of thing. So sisters,
		
01:36:49 --> 01:36:52
			just a word of advice, be very careful
		
01:36:52 --> 01:36:53
			of chasing feelings,
		
01:36:54 --> 01:36:56
			okay, when you going into looking for a
		
01:36:56 --> 01:36:58
			a spouse. Because, subhanAllah,
		
01:36:59 --> 01:37:01
			if there's anything that I've learned, you know,
		
01:37:01 --> 01:37:04
			over the years and mashallah from all my
		
01:37:04 --> 01:37:06
			wonderful sisters and other sisters who've been in
		
01:37:06 --> 01:37:08
			20 almost 30 year marriages,
		
01:37:09 --> 01:37:09
			is that
		
01:37:10 --> 01:37:11
			feelings change.
		
01:37:12 --> 01:37:14
			Emotions go up and down and emotions are
		
01:37:14 --> 01:37:18
			constantly changing all around us. And the the
		
01:37:18 --> 01:37:19
			feelings and the emotions,
		
01:37:19 --> 01:37:21
			they are not the things that keep you
		
01:37:21 --> 01:37:24
			going. They're not the things that, you know,
		
01:37:24 --> 01:37:27
			that that that make anything last. It's the
		
01:37:27 --> 01:37:30
			intention. It's the commitment. It's the dedication. It's
		
01:37:30 --> 01:37:32
			the loyalty. It's the hard work. And all
		
01:37:32 --> 01:37:34
			of that stuff is not feelings. It's it's
		
01:37:34 --> 01:37:35
			a decision, right?
		
01:37:35 --> 01:37:36
			So the first thing I would say is
		
01:37:36 --> 01:37:39
			that don't chase feelings. And the second thing
		
01:37:39 --> 01:37:40
			I would say is
		
01:37:41 --> 01:37:42
			don't expect
		
01:37:42 --> 01:37:44
			to get all of the things that you
		
01:37:44 --> 01:37:45
			think
		
01:37:45 --> 01:37:48
			is is what a normal, you know, interaction
		
01:37:48 --> 01:37:49
			is like the spark,
		
01:37:49 --> 01:37:51
			like the feeling of being seen or all
		
01:37:51 --> 01:37:54
			of these things. Don't expect all of those
		
01:37:54 --> 01:37:55
			when you first meet someone.
		
01:37:57 --> 01:37:58
			If you don't, those things,
		
01:37:59 --> 01:38:00
			all of a sudden you're disappointed.
		
01:38:01 --> 01:38:03
			You think this is not the one, you
		
01:38:03 --> 01:38:05
			know, there's, there's a, you know, it's, it's
		
01:38:05 --> 01:38:07
			not right. It's not right. But really what
		
01:38:07 --> 01:38:09
			we should be doing, and I wanna give
		
01:38:09 --> 01:38:11
			game to my young sisters, especially in this
		
01:38:11 --> 01:38:13
			this who are just going into marriage.
		
01:38:13 --> 01:38:16
			Get clear on what the marriage is about,
		
01:38:16 --> 01:38:17
			what marriage is about,
		
01:38:18 --> 01:38:19
			what you want to build,
		
01:38:20 --> 01:38:22
			what kind of person you want to build
		
01:38:22 --> 01:38:24
			with. Not the laundry list,
		
01:38:24 --> 01:38:27
			but the bare basics, the foundation,
		
01:38:28 --> 01:38:30
			right? What kind of life do you want
		
01:38:30 --> 01:38:31
			to live? What is it you want to
		
01:38:31 --> 01:38:33
			go to Allah with And what kind of
		
01:38:33 --> 01:38:35
			man do you want to build that with?
		
01:38:35 --> 01:38:38
			And use that as your as your as
		
01:38:38 --> 01:38:40
			your kind of checklist rather than all the
		
01:38:40 --> 01:38:44
			the the romantic fairy tale fantasy stuff.
		
01:38:44 --> 01:38:47
			The real stuff that makes a difference in
		
01:38:47 --> 01:38:48
			the long term because a feeling is a
		
01:38:48 --> 01:38:51
			feeling and trust me that feeling can dissipate
		
01:38:51 --> 01:38:52
			within 3 months.
		
01:38:52 --> 01:38:55
			Right? And, and the feeling can come within
		
01:38:55 --> 01:38:56
			3 months as well. Right?
		
01:38:57 --> 01:38:59
			So I'm not saying you marry somebody who
		
01:38:59 --> 01:39:02
			you've got zero feelings for and there's no
		
01:39:02 --> 01:39:04
			spark whatsoever and you don't get along. Of
		
01:39:04 --> 01:39:06
			course not. But don't make the spark the
		
01:39:06 --> 01:39:07
			deciding factor.
		
01:39:08 --> 01:39:11
			Don't make the desire the deciding factor. Don't
		
01:39:11 --> 01:39:13
			make the zinger the zinger the deciding factor
		
01:39:13 --> 01:39:16
			because this is big work that you're embarking
		
01:39:16 --> 01:39:18
			on and you want to make sure you're
		
01:39:18 --> 01:39:19
			with someone solid,
		
01:39:20 --> 01:39:20
			respectable,
		
01:39:21 --> 01:39:22
			dependable, committed.
		
01:39:23 --> 01:39:24
			That's the person that you want to commit
		
01:39:24 --> 01:39:27
			to. And inshallah to Allah, remember that love,
		
01:39:27 --> 01:39:29
			the hearts are between the fingers of ar
		
01:39:29 --> 01:39:29
			Rahman,
		
01:39:29 --> 01:39:31
			you know, and allah puts that love between
		
01:39:31 --> 01:39:33
			us, you know, that he is the source
		
01:39:33 --> 01:39:34
			of that love. SubhanAllah.
		
01:39:35 --> 01:39:36
			Sorry. If anybody wants to jump on that,
		
01:39:36 --> 01:39:38
			we can and then if not, we'll go
		
01:39:38 --> 01:39:39
			on to the next question. Sorry. I just
		
01:39:39 --> 01:39:40
			wanted to just insert that in there.
		
01:39:41 --> 01:39:42
			With regards
		
01:39:43 --> 01:39:45
			to the list that you were saying, you
		
01:39:45 --> 01:39:47
			know, you need to know where you're compromising
		
01:39:47 --> 01:39:49
			in that as well. You know. If conversation
		
01:39:50 --> 01:39:50
			and,
		
01:39:51 --> 01:39:53
			you know, one is is that person generally
		
01:39:53 --> 01:39:55
			quite quiet as well? White personality.
		
01:39:57 --> 01:39:58
			My sister was saying to me yesterday, she
		
01:39:58 --> 01:40:00
			has a friend who's been married, like,
		
01:40:01 --> 01:40:02
			25, 30 years,
		
01:40:04 --> 01:40:05
			but her husband is very quiet,
		
01:40:06 --> 01:40:08
			very quiet. But they've got a good connection.
		
01:40:08 --> 01:40:09
			They've got a good marriage.
		
01:40:09 --> 01:40:11
			They've got good understanding. And her, his wife
		
01:40:12 --> 01:40:14
			I mean, the sister, she's very outspoken. She's
		
01:40:14 --> 01:40:17
			that's her personal personality and that's his personality.
		
01:40:18 --> 01:40:20
			And she's sometimes people they're all laughing, you
		
01:40:20 --> 01:40:22
			know, where do they converse because he's just
		
01:40:22 --> 01:40:24
			such a quiet guy.
		
01:40:24 --> 01:40:26
			But they have their
		
01:40:27 --> 01:40:29
			they they know what they're invested in, and
		
01:40:29 --> 01:40:30
			I think this is something that's quite key
		
01:40:30 --> 01:40:33
			as well is that marriage is an investment,
		
01:40:34 --> 01:40:36
			you know, and you work for it. It's
		
01:40:36 --> 01:40:37
			not just the red carpet or a bed
		
01:40:37 --> 01:40:39
			of roses that just magically appears and says,
		
01:40:39 --> 01:40:41
			right, here we go, and this prince charming
		
01:40:41 --> 01:40:44
			is there. There's gonna be give and take.
		
01:40:44 --> 01:40:45
			So you have to see what other deal
		
01:40:45 --> 01:40:49
			breakers, what other must haves, what's really important
		
01:40:49 --> 01:40:51
			for you for you. And I think this
		
01:40:51 --> 01:40:53
			was something that's really important is that we
		
01:40:53 --> 01:40:54
			and I think some of the sisters were
		
01:40:54 --> 01:40:56
			saying here as well is finding themselves. If
		
01:40:56 --> 01:40:59
			you know who you are and what you
		
01:40:59 --> 01:40:59
			need,
		
01:41:00 --> 01:41:02
			then it's easier to know
		
01:41:02 --> 01:41:03
			what you're looking for.
		
01:41:04 --> 01:41:06
			What are the must haves? What are the
		
01:41:06 --> 01:41:06
			compromises?
		
01:41:07 --> 01:41:09
			And sometimes Allah brings certain people to you
		
01:41:09 --> 01:41:10
			that you think,
		
01:41:11 --> 01:41:13
			nah. This one's not right. But sometime Allah
		
01:41:14 --> 01:41:16
			up not sometime. Obviously, Allah knows best.
		
01:41:17 --> 01:41:19
			Sometimes we think that something's bad, but there's
		
01:41:19 --> 01:41:20
			good in it.
		
01:41:20 --> 01:41:22
			So we have to look what's the main
		
01:41:22 --> 01:41:25
			picture here. The guy who's on deen, he's
		
01:41:25 --> 01:41:25
			praying,
		
01:41:26 --> 01:41:27
			these are like,
		
01:41:28 --> 01:41:30
			no, I'm not gonna compromise on this. He's,
		
01:41:31 --> 01:41:32
			financially stable,
		
01:41:34 --> 01:41:35
			and then it might just be, okay, dude,
		
01:41:35 --> 01:41:37
			it's a little bit quiet. But you have
		
01:41:37 --> 01:41:39
			to understand yourself first. Can you be with
		
01:41:39 --> 01:41:41
			someone who's not really responding?
		
01:41:43 --> 01:41:45
			And I think that that's what you have
		
01:41:45 --> 01:41:46
			to see is when you have the conversation,
		
01:41:46 --> 01:41:49
			see what what his expectations are, what's his
		
01:41:49 --> 01:41:51
			long term goals in the marriage,
		
01:41:51 --> 01:41:53
			how much is he gonna be invested in
		
01:41:53 --> 01:41:55
			it with you, and I do you have
		
01:41:55 --> 01:41:56
			common goals?
		
01:41:57 --> 01:41:59
			Maybe he's someone who doesn't wanna home educate,
		
01:41:59 --> 01:42:00
			you know, but this is something you're very
		
01:42:00 --> 01:42:03
			passionate about. You know? So understand what what
		
01:42:03 --> 01:42:04
			you want,
		
01:42:05 --> 01:42:06
			and I think that will kind of give
		
01:42:06 --> 01:42:07
			you a lot of clarity, but you're not
		
01:42:07 --> 01:42:09
			gonna get the complete package.
		
01:42:09 --> 01:42:11
			No matter how much you
		
01:42:11 --> 01:42:14
			create it in your head, that sometimes creating
		
01:42:14 --> 01:42:16
			false expectations for yourself as well.
		
01:42:19 --> 01:42:19
			100%.
		
01:42:21 --> 01:42:22
			I would like one of you to answer
		
01:42:22 --> 01:42:25
			this very important question if you can,
		
01:42:25 --> 01:42:26
			and that is
		
01:42:26 --> 01:42:29
			explaining the notion of marriage being half one's
		
01:42:29 --> 01:42:29
			deen.
		
01:42:32 --> 01:42:34
			So this has been one thing that when
		
01:42:34 --> 01:42:35
			I think about it, I want to hold
		
01:42:35 --> 01:42:37
			on to my marriage despite the hardship.
		
01:42:38 --> 01:42:40
			Anybody feel equipped to answer this?
		
01:42:41 --> 01:42:44
			If not, we'll move it to another day.
		
01:42:44 --> 01:42:46
			But does anybody feel equipped to answer this?
		
01:42:46 --> 01:42:48
			You just need like an Emmy answer
		
01:42:48 --> 01:42:50
			because the marriage being half your dean is
		
01:42:50 --> 01:42:52
			quite quite a a deep statement.
		
01:42:54 --> 01:42:57
			I I can speak from on that matter
		
01:42:57 --> 01:42:58
			from my perspective.
		
01:43:03 --> 01:43:04
			We are always,
		
01:43:04 --> 01:43:07
			like you said beautifully, just just,
		
01:43:08 --> 01:43:10
			few minutes ago, that we are chasing a
		
01:43:10 --> 01:43:10
			feeling.
		
01:43:11 --> 01:43:13
			We're always chasing a feeling.
		
01:43:13 --> 01:43:15
			We're always wanting to feel happy.
		
01:43:16 --> 01:43:18
			And a lot of the times I hear
		
01:43:18 --> 01:43:19
			conversations
		
01:43:19 --> 01:43:21
			even from scholars saying, oh, you've got to
		
01:43:21 --> 01:43:23
			make each other
		
01:43:23 --> 01:43:24
			happy.
		
01:43:26 --> 01:43:28
			Make each other happy.
		
01:43:29 --> 01:43:29
			Well,
		
01:43:30 --> 01:43:32
			that that puts a lot of burden on
		
01:43:32 --> 01:43:33
			you.
		
01:43:33 --> 01:43:35
			Like, you are responsible for making somebody else
		
01:43:35 --> 01:43:36
			happy.
		
01:43:37 --> 01:43:39
			Like and then when you don't feel happy,
		
01:43:39 --> 01:43:41
			you think, oh, it's your fault.
		
01:43:41 --> 01:43:43
			You're the reason that I'm not happy.
		
01:43:44 --> 01:43:45
			But on the other side,
		
01:43:46 --> 01:43:50
			we all know where happiness comes from. That's
		
01:43:50 --> 01:43:51
			the almighty.
		
01:43:51 --> 01:43:54
			Love, happiness does not come from people.
		
01:43:55 --> 01:43:59
			And this is a myth that people think
		
01:43:59 --> 01:44:01
			that they're going into a marriage
		
01:44:02 --> 01:44:03
			accepting,
		
01:44:04 --> 01:44:04
			wanting,
		
01:44:05 --> 01:44:05
			feeling
		
01:44:05 --> 01:44:06
			happy,
		
01:44:06 --> 01:44:08
			love, whatever feeling.
		
01:44:09 --> 01:44:11
			So marriage, half your deen
		
01:44:12 --> 01:44:15
			is knowing who you really are,
		
01:44:16 --> 01:44:17
			is knowing
		
01:44:18 --> 01:44:18
			within,
		
01:44:20 --> 01:44:21
			is knowing yourself.
		
01:44:22 --> 01:44:24
			And if you know yourself
		
01:44:26 --> 01:44:28
			within from within,
		
01:44:28 --> 01:44:30
			you are already halfway there.
		
01:44:31 --> 01:44:34
			You are halfway already there. And the rest
		
01:44:34 --> 01:44:37
			of the half, obviously, all the practical stuff
		
01:44:37 --> 01:44:38
			that you do,
		
01:44:38 --> 01:44:40
			supporting each other, doing everything
		
01:44:41 --> 01:44:42
			that is a barber,
		
01:44:42 --> 01:44:45
			everything that you want to do as a
		
01:44:45 --> 01:44:48
			team, everything, all that's there. But before you
		
01:44:48 --> 01:44:51
			go into a marriage, marriage is half your
		
01:44:51 --> 01:44:51
			deen,
		
01:44:52 --> 01:44:53
			is
		
01:44:53 --> 01:44:54
			knowing
		
01:44:55 --> 01:44:55
			yourself.
		
01:44:58 --> 01:45:00
			It's knowing yourself before you go into a
		
01:45:00 --> 01:45:03
			marriage, And when you get into the marriage,
		
01:45:03 --> 01:45:06
			wow. Wow. Because I wish I had known
		
01:45:06 --> 01:45:07
			that
		
01:45:07 --> 01:45:09
			before I got married.
		
01:45:10 --> 01:45:11
			Honestly,
		
01:45:12 --> 01:45:13
			that that is
		
01:45:13 --> 01:45:16
			the game changer. That is the whole
		
01:45:18 --> 01:45:19
			the the,
		
01:45:20 --> 01:45:22
			what someone say is, like, what everybody's looking
		
01:45:22 --> 01:45:23
			for.
		
01:45:31 --> 01:45:32
			Yep. Yep. 100%,
		
01:45:33 --> 01:45:35
			the importance of knowing yourself. Yes, Zane. Have
		
01:45:35 --> 01:45:36
			you had your hand?
		
01:45:38 --> 01:45:40
			Yeah. I wanted to add to
		
01:45:41 --> 01:45:44
			what Srubhi said to respond to that question.
		
01:45:45 --> 01:45:47
			The moment the the first marriage was in,
		
01:45:48 --> 01:45:51
			the moment I realized the reason why I
		
01:45:51 --> 01:45:53
			was able to make the decision to leave
		
01:45:53 --> 01:45:54
			the marriage
		
01:45:54 --> 01:45:56
			was when I realized that
		
01:45:57 --> 01:45:58
			I could get to Jannah,
		
01:45:59 --> 01:45:59
			inshallah,
		
01:46:00 --> 01:46:02
			even if I was not married.
		
01:46:05 --> 01:46:06
			That's what I wanted to say.
		
01:46:09 --> 01:46:11
			Interesting that you say that, SubhanAllah, ladim.
		
01:46:12 --> 01:46:13
			Because I wonder
		
01:46:14 --> 01:46:15
			how many of us
		
01:46:16 --> 01:46:17
			who are
		
01:46:18 --> 01:46:19
			not as happy
		
01:46:20 --> 01:46:22
			as we'd like to be since this is,
		
01:46:22 --> 01:46:25
			you know, we're not as happy, satisfied as
		
01:46:25 --> 01:46:27
			we'd like to be for whatever reason.
		
01:46:28 --> 01:46:28
			I wonder if
		
01:46:29 --> 01:46:30
			I have a friend
		
01:46:31 --> 01:46:31
			and her husband,
		
01:46:32 --> 01:46:32
			remarried.
		
01:46:33 --> 01:46:35
			It was very, very hard for her. And
		
01:46:35 --> 01:46:38
			she she she's still working through it, I
		
01:46:38 --> 01:46:41
			think. But she had a baseline.
		
01:46:41 --> 01:46:43
			Right. And this was her baseline. If it
		
01:46:43 --> 01:46:45
			makes sense for you, alhamdulillah, take it. You
		
01:46:45 --> 01:46:47
			know, sister Zaynah, what you said is is
		
01:46:47 --> 01:46:49
			really really powerful. Mashallah.
		
01:46:49 --> 01:46:50
			But she just said,
		
01:46:51 --> 01:46:53
			as long as I can worship Allah,
		
01:46:53 --> 01:46:55
			I'm keeping my family together.
		
01:46:55 --> 01:46:58
			As long as I'm okay here and I'm
		
01:46:58 --> 01:47:01
			okay here to continue worshiping Allah
		
01:47:01 --> 01:47:05
			and nothing in this situation stops me. Either
		
01:47:05 --> 01:47:05
			emotionally,
		
01:47:06 --> 01:47:07
			mentally, spiritually or physically.
		
01:47:08 --> 01:47:10
			Nothing stopping me from worshiping Allah and being
		
01:47:10 --> 01:47:12
			the best version of myself.
		
01:47:12 --> 01:47:14
			I will not break my home. I'm not
		
01:47:14 --> 01:47:16
			I'm not going to give up on, you
		
01:47:16 --> 01:47:18
			know, what we've built. Alhamdulillah. So that was
		
01:47:18 --> 01:47:18
			her baseline.
		
01:47:19 --> 01:47:21
			And I thought that that was a really
		
01:47:22 --> 01:47:24
			I found that very admirable actually.
		
01:47:25 --> 01:47:26
			Because as you said, most of us are
		
01:47:26 --> 01:47:27
			chasing a feeling.
		
01:47:28 --> 01:47:30
			And there's a question here about a spouse
		
01:47:30 --> 01:47:32
			who is reluctant to grow.
		
01:47:33 --> 01:47:33
			Okay.
		
01:47:34 --> 01:47:34
			Meaning
		
01:47:35 --> 01:47:35
			personal development,
		
01:47:36 --> 01:47:38
			spiritual, mental, physical.
		
01:47:38 --> 01:47:41
			So in this case, the husband doesn't stop
		
01:47:41 --> 01:47:44
			her but over time their interests have diverged.
		
01:47:45 --> 01:47:47
			It's a huge issue that we keep seeing
		
01:47:47 --> 01:47:49
			again and again in the community.
		
01:47:50 --> 01:47:51
			I've talked about it a lot, but I
		
01:47:51 --> 01:47:54
			would love to know maybe in our this
		
01:47:54 --> 01:47:55
			can be our last question.
		
01:47:56 --> 01:47:58
			You know, would your answer be to that
		
01:47:58 --> 01:47:58
			sister?
		
01:48:01 --> 01:48:03
			Spouse doesn't want to take do the the
		
01:48:03 --> 01:48:05
			personal development work. He's not interested. He doesn't
		
01:48:05 --> 01:48:08
			stop her, but he himself is not interested.
		
01:48:08 --> 01:48:11
			And so now their interests have diverged. So,
		
01:48:11 --> 01:48:12
			obviously, as far as she's concerned, this is
		
01:48:12 --> 01:48:14
			a problem. What do you guys say to
		
01:48:17 --> 01:48:18
			Zainab,
		
01:48:18 --> 01:48:19
			I see you.
		
01:48:23 --> 01:48:25
			My husband doesn't do personal development.
		
01:48:26 --> 01:48:27
			Preach it.
		
01:48:29 --> 01:48:29
			He doesn't.
		
01:48:33 --> 01:48:34
			And personal
		
01:48:35 --> 01:48:35
			development
		
01:48:36 --> 01:48:37
			is
		
01:48:37 --> 01:48:39
			our generation. Right?
		
01:48:40 --> 01:48:42
			Mhmm. In the past,
		
01:48:43 --> 01:48:44
			didn't we have
		
01:48:45 --> 01:48:47
			people who transformed?
		
01:48:49 --> 01:48:50
			There wasn't personal
		
01:48:51 --> 01:48:51
			development.
		
01:48:54 --> 01:48:55
			So
		
01:48:56 --> 01:48:59
			just like we shouldn't should ourselves into I
		
01:48:59 --> 01:49:01
			should be growing, I should be transforming,
		
01:49:01 --> 01:49:04
			I shouldn't be here, I should have grown,
		
01:49:04 --> 01:49:06
			We shouldn't be shooting our husbands.
		
01:49:09 --> 01:49:10
			Then the other thing,
		
01:49:11 --> 01:49:12
			which seems to have flown out of my
		
01:49:12 --> 01:49:14
			head, that I was gonna say, okay. Now
		
01:49:14 --> 01:49:15
			I remember is that
		
01:49:17 --> 01:49:19
			transformation comes from Allah
		
01:49:20 --> 01:49:22
			at his time,
		
01:49:23 --> 01:49:24
			and that's it.
		
01:49:24 --> 01:49:25
			It's not in your hands.
		
01:49:33 --> 01:49:35
			Just dropped the mic.
		
01:49:37 --> 01:49:38
			Oh, but, Issa, what do you say to
		
01:49:38 --> 01:49:39
			that?
		
01:49:42 --> 01:49:44
			Well, what can be said after that? You
		
01:49:44 --> 01:49:44
			know,
		
01:49:44 --> 01:49:47
			I think it's a beautiful thing that everyone's
		
01:49:47 --> 01:49:49
			on their journey, and character
		
01:49:50 --> 01:49:50
			building,
		
01:49:52 --> 01:49:54
			actions speak louder than words.
		
01:49:54 --> 01:49:56
			You keep developing yourself,
		
01:49:57 --> 01:49:58
			investing in yourself,
		
01:49:58 --> 01:50:00
			keep trying to nurture yourself
		
01:50:01 --> 01:50:02
			in your deen, in your iman,
		
01:50:03 --> 01:50:06
			and in your love and obedience to him,
		
01:50:09 --> 01:50:10
			that's that's
		
01:50:10 --> 01:50:13
			he will learn because why? Because you will
		
01:50:13 --> 01:50:16
			then become the company of Musk around him.
		
01:50:16 --> 01:50:18
			You know? If you are
		
01:50:18 --> 01:50:20
			husband and wife, you know, they say be
		
01:50:20 --> 01:50:22
			careful of your company, you know, because you'll
		
01:50:22 --> 01:50:25
			rub off onto each other. So even though
		
01:50:25 --> 01:50:27
			he may not be invested,
		
01:50:27 --> 01:50:29
			but he's not preventing you from something,
		
01:50:30 --> 01:50:32
			he is then still benefiting from your beautiful
		
01:50:32 --> 01:50:33
			fragrance
		
01:50:33 --> 01:50:34
			of your character.
		
01:50:37 --> 01:50:39
			That you the person said I was not
		
01:50:39 --> 01:50:42
			sent except for what? Perfecting the character.
		
01:50:42 --> 01:50:44
			So investing in character building
		
01:50:45 --> 01:50:47
			and investing in your own personal development,
		
01:50:48 --> 01:50:49
			this is a noble thing. This is a
		
01:50:49 --> 01:50:52
			it's from the dean. But we can't if
		
01:50:52 --> 01:50:54
			we're on a journey, we can't then
		
01:50:54 --> 01:50:57
			expect them to be on the same thing.
		
01:50:58 --> 01:51:00
			The fact that he's not preventing you from,
		
01:51:01 --> 01:51:03
			your own personal development, It's a beautiful thing.
		
01:51:03 --> 01:51:04
			Alhamdulillah.
		
01:51:04 --> 01:51:07
			He's on his journey and you're on yours.
		
01:51:07 --> 01:51:10
			And he is going at his pace. You're
		
01:51:10 --> 01:51:11
			going at yours.
		
01:51:12 --> 01:51:14
			And and and and this is how Allah
		
01:51:14 --> 01:51:16
			has created us at different
		
01:51:16 --> 01:51:18
			levels. Not everyone could be an alim, Not
		
01:51:18 --> 01:51:20
			everyone could be a scholar. Not everyone could
		
01:51:20 --> 01:51:22
			be a sports person. Not everyone could be
		
01:51:22 --> 01:51:24
			a well, I was gonna say writer, but
		
01:51:24 --> 01:51:26
			I wouldn't say that one because
		
01:51:27 --> 01:51:28
			someone's saying this.
		
01:51:28 --> 01:51:29
			As we know,
		
01:51:30 --> 01:51:33
			Narima says there's a writer within everyone.
		
01:51:33 --> 01:51:33
			But,
		
01:51:34 --> 01:51:36
			you know, so we have been designed for
		
01:51:36 --> 01:51:38
			different things. So he may not be so
		
01:51:38 --> 01:51:41
			invested in his own personal development that there'll
		
01:51:41 --> 01:51:43
			be another hair in him. And this is
		
01:51:43 --> 01:51:44
			the advice of the prophet
		
01:51:45 --> 01:51:47
			that if there's something you dislike
		
01:51:47 --> 01:51:48
			within your partner
		
01:51:49 --> 01:51:50
			or your spouse,
		
01:51:51 --> 01:51:52
			not spouse as in as in your wife
		
01:51:52 --> 01:51:55
			who's addressing the Sahaba here, then look to
		
01:51:55 --> 01:51:56
			something better.
		
01:51:56 --> 01:51:57
			Allah
		
01:51:57 --> 01:52:00
			hasn't made us 100% bad, you know. We
		
01:52:00 --> 01:52:03
			are Muslim. We have heard in us. Allah
		
01:52:04 --> 01:52:07
			saw our hearts and saw heard in us
		
01:52:07 --> 01:52:09
			that he guided us over much of mankind.
		
01:52:10 --> 01:52:13
			Subhanallah. This alone is a niyama. The Allah
		
01:52:14 --> 01:52:16
			has seen something in him by making him
		
01:52:16 --> 01:52:17
			Muslim
		
01:52:18 --> 01:52:21
			That given him the blessing of hidayah and
		
01:52:21 --> 01:52:21
			guidance.
		
01:52:22 --> 01:52:23
			So let us also look to the good
		
01:52:23 --> 01:52:25
			and try and bring out the good,
		
01:52:27 --> 01:52:29
			and celebrate it and appreciate it.
		
01:52:34 --> 01:52:36
			I think you're on mute, Naima.
		
01:52:37 --> 01:52:38
			I know you're talking because you do the
		
01:52:38 --> 01:52:41
			hand like that. Yes. The hands came out.
		
01:52:41 --> 01:52:43
			The hand? No. I mean, I I feel
		
01:52:43 --> 01:52:45
			I feel very strongly about this.
		
01:52:45 --> 01:52:47
			And the reason I do is because I
		
01:52:47 --> 01:52:48
			know how
		
01:52:48 --> 01:52:52
			your own perception of as sister Zainab said,
		
01:52:52 --> 01:52:55
			you know, you should want to do x
		
01:52:55 --> 01:52:57
			y zed. Right? We should want to do.
		
01:52:57 --> 01:52:59
			And I'm sure there are husbands who will
		
01:52:59 --> 01:53:01
			listen to this whose wives have said to
		
01:53:01 --> 01:53:03
			them, but don't you want to be better?
		
01:53:03 --> 01:53:05
			Don't you want to improve?
		
01:53:05 --> 01:53:08
			We should. As muslims, we should. We should.
		
01:53:08 --> 01:53:10
			Right? And sometimes it's an Islamic thing. A
		
01:53:10 --> 01:53:11
			lot of the time it's not an Islamic
		
01:53:11 --> 01:53:12
			thing if we're honest.
		
01:53:13 --> 01:53:15
			I mean these types of questions
		
01:53:16 --> 01:53:17
			and again, I could be
		
01:53:18 --> 01:53:20
			wrong. Happy to be corrected if I am,
		
01:53:20 --> 01:53:22
			but I'm not seeing these types of questions
		
01:53:22 --> 01:53:24
			coming from people who are studying deen
		
01:53:25 --> 01:53:27
			or doing heft of Quran. I'm not seeing
		
01:53:27 --> 01:53:30
			that. I'm seeing it from people who are
		
01:53:30 --> 01:53:32
			studying other things. Right? Maybe physical,
		
01:53:33 --> 01:53:36
			you know, up leveling physically, up leveling professionally.
		
01:53:36 --> 01:53:39
			Okay. Maybe confidence, maybe public speaking, maybe any
		
01:53:39 --> 01:53:41
			of the other things. Right? The other things
		
01:53:41 --> 01:53:42
			that we can, you know, we call personal
		
01:53:42 --> 01:53:45
			development. You know, whatever it is. So so
		
01:53:45 --> 01:53:46
			what I want to say firstly, there's a
		
01:53:46 --> 01:53:48
			couple of things. There's one is that your
		
01:53:48 --> 01:53:49
			journey is your journey.
		
01:53:50 --> 01:53:52
			And it Alhamdulillah, it's a niyam that you
		
01:53:52 --> 01:53:54
			have the the the the
		
01:53:54 --> 01:53:55
			the drive
		
01:53:56 --> 01:53:57
			and the space,
		
01:53:58 --> 01:53:58
			the the headspace
		
01:53:59 --> 01:54:00
			to go on that journey. Alhamdulillah.
		
01:54:01 --> 01:54:03
			That's a blessing because a lot of people
		
01:54:03 --> 01:54:05
			don't have the drive and a lot of
		
01:54:05 --> 01:54:06
			people don't have the headspace.
		
01:54:06 --> 01:54:09
			Either because they have too much responsibility or
		
01:54:09 --> 01:54:10
			they're taking care of too much, too many
		
01:54:10 --> 01:54:11
			other commitments.
		
01:54:11 --> 01:54:13
			They can't even begin to think of investing
		
01:54:13 --> 01:54:15
			in themselves and, you know, and and taking
		
01:54:15 --> 01:54:17
			programs and going for courses and stuff like
		
01:54:17 --> 01:54:20
			that. So already you, mashaAllah, you're privileged and
		
01:54:20 --> 01:54:21
			you're blessed.
		
01:54:22 --> 01:54:23
			The second thing I'd like to address is
		
01:54:23 --> 01:54:26
			this issue of our interests have diverged.
		
01:54:27 --> 01:54:28
			I'm sorry.
		
01:54:29 --> 01:54:30
			So what?
		
01:54:31 --> 01:54:33
			So you're reading Tony Robbins
		
01:54:33 --> 01:54:34
			and he doesn't read?
		
01:54:36 --> 01:54:37
			What's the big deal?
		
01:54:37 --> 01:54:41
			You too are not buddies, yeah? You're not
		
01:54:41 --> 01:54:43
			buddies who have to have the same hobbies
		
01:54:43 --> 01:54:46
			and enjoy listening to the same lectures. It's
		
01:54:46 --> 01:54:47
			cool if you do,
		
01:54:48 --> 01:54:51
			but your work together is much much more
		
01:54:51 --> 01:54:52
			important than that.
		
01:54:53 --> 01:54:54
			You, your interests
		
01:54:55 --> 01:54:56
			are,
		
01:54:56 --> 01:54:58
			each other and your children and your family.
		
01:54:58 --> 01:54:59
			Okay.
		
01:54:59 --> 01:55:02
			And that's it. Anything else is a bonus.
		
01:55:02 --> 01:55:03
			Okay. I'm gonna just this is how I
		
01:55:03 --> 01:55:06
			see it and why I keep saying guys
		
01:55:06 --> 01:55:07
			lower the expectations,
		
01:55:08 --> 01:55:10
			lower the expectations
		
01:55:10 --> 01:55:11
			because if we have
		
01:55:12 --> 01:55:12
			more realistic
		
01:55:13 --> 01:55:14
			expectations,
		
01:55:14 --> 01:55:16
			and in fact, I shouldn't say lower them,
		
01:55:16 --> 01:55:17
			manage them,
		
01:55:18 --> 01:55:18
			manage them,
		
01:55:20 --> 01:55:20
			right?
		
01:55:21 --> 01:55:22
			Manage the expectations
		
01:55:23 --> 01:55:24
			because it's those expectations
		
01:55:25 --> 01:55:26
			again and again, we're hearing
		
01:55:27 --> 01:55:28
			single speaker
		
01:55:28 --> 01:55:30
			can think. Our high expectations
		
01:55:30 --> 01:55:31
			are destroying
		
01:55:32 --> 01:55:35
			us, destroying our marriages and when our marriage
		
01:55:36 --> 01:55:36
			just
		
01:55:36 --> 01:55:39
			the family is destroyed and it's, you know,
		
01:55:39 --> 01:55:41
			and I've I'm going to keep saying this
		
01:55:42 --> 01:55:43
			again and again.
		
01:55:43 --> 01:55:46
			When you decide that you've had enough of
		
01:55:46 --> 01:55:46
			your husband,
		
01:55:47 --> 01:55:48
			when you decide that, you know what,
		
01:55:49 --> 01:55:51
			I deserve more or I can't deal with
		
01:55:51 --> 01:55:53
			this anymore or like it's too much and,
		
01:55:53 --> 01:55:54
			and when you give up,
		
01:55:55 --> 01:55:56
			and we're not talking about extreme cases here
		
01:55:56 --> 01:55:59
			again, I have to preface this, but if
		
01:55:59 --> 01:56:00
			you check out,
		
01:56:01 --> 01:56:02
			you may find that on the other end
		
01:56:02 --> 01:56:04
			of your checking out, you feel so much
		
01:56:04 --> 01:56:07
			lighter. You feel so much better because now
		
01:56:07 --> 01:56:09
			you're not struggling anymore. You're not fighting. You're
		
01:56:09 --> 01:56:11
			not dealing with all of that la la
		
01:56:11 --> 01:56:12
			la la. However,
		
01:56:14 --> 01:56:16
			that's not where the story ends.
		
01:56:17 --> 01:56:19
			It's not happily ever after from that point
		
01:56:19 --> 01:56:21
			because when you break up a marriage,
		
01:56:22 --> 01:56:24
			it's not just you free of your husband,
		
01:56:25 --> 01:56:26
			your children,
		
01:56:26 --> 01:56:29
			your ex, who is now your ex, your
		
01:56:29 --> 01:56:31
			in laws, who were previously your in laws,
		
01:56:31 --> 01:56:32
			your family,
		
01:56:32 --> 01:56:36
			the whole ecosystem that was built around your
		
01:56:36 --> 01:56:36
			marriage
		
01:56:36 --> 01:56:39
			and this, this home that you built,
		
01:56:39 --> 01:56:39
			halas
		
01:56:41 --> 01:56:42
			everyone suffers.
		
01:56:42 --> 01:56:45
			So sisters, when I say, yeah, we can't
		
01:56:45 --> 01:56:47
			afford to take the cavalier approach
		
01:56:48 --> 01:56:50
			to to to marriage and divorce that these
		
01:56:50 --> 01:56:51
			people out here do.
		
01:56:51 --> 01:56:52
			Because at the moment,
		
01:56:53 --> 01:56:55
			it's perfectly reasonable for a woman to have
		
01:56:55 --> 01:56:57
			an epiphany phase and say, oh,
		
01:56:58 --> 01:56:59
			you know I need more. I'm going to
		
01:56:59 --> 01:57:01
			travel to India. I want a divorce.
		
01:57:02 --> 01:57:04
			Who who's seen eat pray love? Okay. Who
		
01:57:04 --> 01:57:07
			knows this story. Right? This story of a
		
01:57:07 --> 01:57:09
			woman waking up one day looking in the
		
01:57:09 --> 01:57:10
			mirror and saying,
		
01:57:11 --> 01:57:13
			I deserve more. Or I never thought my
		
01:57:13 --> 01:57:15
			life would turn out this way. I need
		
01:57:15 --> 01:57:16
			to go and find myself. Oh
		
01:57:17 --> 01:57:19
			really? It's supposed to be this hero's journey.
		
01:57:19 --> 01:57:22
			This wonderful narrative of a woman's empowerment and
		
01:57:22 --> 01:57:24
			her liberation and all of this stuff.
		
01:57:24 --> 01:57:27
			They don't show what really happens.
		
01:57:27 --> 01:57:29
			They don't show what happens to the husband
		
01:57:29 --> 01:57:31
			who's been ditched for no reason except that
		
01:57:31 --> 01:57:32
			he was boring,
		
01:57:33 --> 01:57:33
			right?
		
01:57:34 --> 01:57:36
			Except that he, Halas said, he couldn't give
		
01:57:36 --> 01:57:38
			her the lifestyle that she feels she deserves
		
01:57:38 --> 01:57:40
			or whatever or that he just didn't turn
		
01:57:40 --> 01:57:41
			out to be her fantasy. That's how he's
		
01:57:41 --> 01:57:43
			been ditched now by it. See you. And
		
01:57:43 --> 01:57:44
			then the children.
		
01:57:45 --> 01:57:47
			The children who no longer have their father
		
01:57:47 --> 01:57:49
			in their life full time, right? And we
		
01:57:49 --> 01:57:52
			can talk about co parenting and we can
		
01:57:52 --> 01:57:54
			talk about all that but you guys know
		
01:57:54 --> 01:57:55
			let's not fool ourselves.
		
01:57:55 --> 01:57:58
			When Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala explained to us
		
01:57:58 --> 01:58:00
			and showed us that divorce, yes it's allowed
		
01:58:00 --> 01:58:01
			but it's hated.
		
01:58:02 --> 01:58:03
			It's not because
		
01:58:03 --> 01:58:05
			every man and woman are gonna be happy
		
01:58:05 --> 01:58:08
			together. It's because of the compound effect of
		
01:58:08 --> 01:58:11
			breaking that union that came together for a
		
01:58:11 --> 01:58:13
			higher purpose to complete half their deen and
		
01:58:13 --> 01:58:15
			to build the next generation of Muslims.
		
01:58:16 --> 01:58:18
			So let's not get like,
		
01:58:18 --> 01:58:19
			let's not,
		
01:58:20 --> 01:58:22
			let's not fall into the traps
		
01:58:22 --> 01:58:25
			that are being set for us everywhere to
		
01:58:25 --> 01:58:27
			say divorce is easy. You know, it's a
		
01:58:27 --> 01:58:29
			it's a freedom for you. And you know,
		
01:58:29 --> 01:58:31
			at the end of the day, like, life
		
01:58:31 --> 01:58:34
			is better and all of this kind of
		
01:58:36 --> 01:58:39
			is like this so much as goes with
		
01:58:39 --> 01:58:41
			that. It's a decision you never want to
		
01:58:41 --> 01:58:43
			take lightly. It's something that you never want
		
01:58:43 --> 01:58:47
			to take for a superficial reasons. Or dunya
		
01:58:47 --> 01:58:49
			wii reasons, you know, that have really nothing
		
01:58:49 --> 01:58:51
			to do with akhira and nothing to do
		
01:58:51 --> 01:58:52
			with the reason that you 2 got together
		
01:58:52 --> 01:58:54
			in the first place. I'm sorry guys. If
		
01:58:54 --> 01:58:56
			I come off like an, an angry old
		
01:58:56 --> 01:58:59
			auntie it's because I'm upset. You
		
01:59:00 --> 01:59:01
			know, and I and I want,
		
01:59:01 --> 01:59:04
			I want us to be to wake up
		
01:59:04 --> 01:59:05
			and not get tricked
		
01:59:06 --> 01:59:07
			into making a decision
		
01:59:08 --> 01:59:09
			that we one day regret.
		
01:59:10 --> 01:59:11
			Because once you've made that decision
		
01:59:12 --> 01:59:15
			and a year later, someone asks you about
		
01:59:15 --> 01:59:17
			like, you think it was the right thing
		
01:59:17 --> 01:59:19
			though? Of course your pride will say, Alhamdulillah,
		
01:59:20 --> 01:59:21
			you know everything is from Allah.
		
01:59:36 --> 01:59:37
			Have we lost connection?
		
01:59:40 --> 01:59:41
			Okay. I think that's I think
		
01:59:43 --> 01:59:44
			yeah. I think
		
01:59:45 --> 01:59:46
			I think she's,
		
01:59:47 --> 01:59:47
			she's
		
01:59:48 --> 01:59:48
			she's
		
01:59:49 --> 01:59:51
			She's frozen with her hands on up.
		
01:59:51 --> 01:59:52
			Yeah.
		
01:59:53 --> 01:59:54
			Yeah. I think one thing I'd I'd like
		
01:59:54 --> 01:59:56
			to add to that the same.
		
01:59:56 --> 01:59:57
			Okay.
		
01:59:58 --> 01:59:59
			Yeah. I know.
		
01:59:59 --> 02:00:01
			We can let's just carry on because I
		
02:00:01 --> 02:00:02
			think we've all got things we can add
		
02:00:02 --> 02:00:03
			to that at the end anyway.
		
02:00:04 --> 02:00:06
			One one thing I'd like to
		
02:00:07 --> 02:00:08
			to add to that is and I think
		
02:00:08 --> 02:00:09
			this is okay.
		
02:00:10 --> 02:00:12
			This thing about getting a divorce,
		
02:00:12 --> 02:00:13
			what she was saying,
		
02:00:14 --> 02:00:16
			about it's not something that should be jumped
		
02:00:16 --> 02:00:18
			into. Yes. I know I did one, but
		
02:00:18 --> 02:00:20
			I still don't I have lots of women
		
02:00:20 --> 02:00:22
			come to me to say, I want to
		
02:00:22 --> 02:00:24
			divorce my husband, da da, all that.
		
02:00:25 --> 02:00:27
			Then I never say, yeah. Go ahead and
		
02:00:27 --> 02:00:27
			divorce
		
02:00:28 --> 02:00:29
			because
		
02:00:30 --> 02:00:31
			I did it. Yes. But it doesn't mean
		
02:00:31 --> 02:00:33
			that is the right thing for everyone.
		
02:00:34 --> 02:00:37
			Someone I work with someone who was in
		
02:00:37 --> 02:00:37
			a marriage
		
02:00:38 --> 02:00:40
			where she had left the marriage three times,
		
02:00:40 --> 02:00:42
			basically. Like, she left, came back, left, came
		
02:00:42 --> 02:00:43
			back, and all that.
		
02:00:49 --> 02:00:52
			And after the conversations together,
		
02:00:52 --> 02:00:55
			she said she's seen her own parts in
		
02:00:55 --> 02:00:58
			the whole dynamics and what she was how
		
02:00:58 --> 02:01:00
			she was showing up that wasn't creating a
		
02:01:00 --> 02:01:02
			marriage that would work, that wasn't creating the
		
02:01:02 --> 02:01:03
			marriage she wanted.
		
02:01:03 --> 02:01:05
			And then she said to me, I want
		
02:01:05 --> 02:01:07
			this marriage to work. The reason I mentioned
		
02:01:07 --> 02:01:10
			this example is because she's someone who is
		
02:01:10 --> 02:01:12
			financially basically running the house.
		
02:01:12 --> 02:01:14
			So what it means is that
		
02:01:14 --> 02:01:16
			it's not the circumstances.
		
02:01:26 --> 02:01:27
			Of the marriage,
		
02:01:28 --> 02:01:30
			but how you are within and how you're
		
02:01:30 --> 02:01:32
			showing in the marriage. So, yes, yeah, that's
		
02:01:32 --> 02:01:34
			what everybody's doing. And the other thing is
		
02:01:34 --> 02:01:36
			that looking for more, that more is an
		
02:01:36 --> 02:01:37
			illusion.
		
02:01:37 --> 02:01:39
			There isn't any more
		
02:01:40 --> 02:01:40
			anywhere.
		
02:01:42 --> 02:01:44
			Everything you need is within.
		
02:01:45 --> 02:01:47
			And, yeah, that's what I wanted to add
		
02:01:47 --> 02:01:49
			to what she's I'm still here, miss.
		
02:01:50 --> 02:01:51
			On the on the on the the
		
02:01:51 --> 02:01:52
			question development
		
02:01:53 --> 02:01:55
			and specific on the question, obviously, I don't
		
02:01:55 --> 02:01:58
			know the context around it. It said,
		
02:01:59 --> 02:02:00
			I didn't
		
02:02:00 --> 02:02:03
			get the feeling that there was anything going
		
02:02:03 --> 02:02:04
			on behind
		
02:02:04 --> 02:02:06
			it, but it was just a sister that
		
02:02:06 --> 02:02:06
			started
		
02:02:07 --> 02:02:08
			wanting to grow herself
		
02:02:09 --> 02:02:10
			profession
		
02:02:10 --> 02:02:13
			in all aspects of her life. Obviously, I've
		
02:02:13 --> 02:02:15
			said earlier on in the conversation in regards
		
02:02:15 --> 02:02:16
			to bringing your husband on board if you're
		
02:02:16 --> 02:02:19
			doing something, but she's no she's they've noted
		
02:02:19 --> 02:02:22
			there that her husband is supportive of what
		
02:02:22 --> 02:02:22
			she's doing
		
02:02:24 --> 02:02:25
			in her growth.
		
02:02:27 --> 02:02:29
			And to me, that is one of the
		
02:02:29 --> 02:02:30
			best things you can have because you could
		
02:02:30 --> 02:02:31
			have a husband there that's like, I don't
		
02:02:31 --> 02:02:32
			wanna do it. I don't wanna
		
02:02:35 --> 02:02:35
			do it. Maybe he's got his own reason.
		
02:02:35 --> 02:02:36
			So, like, sister Nymah said, you know, he
		
02:02:36 --> 02:02:38
			could be worked. He I don't looks like
		
02:02:38 --> 02:02:40
			we don't have the context around context around
		
02:02:40 --> 02:02:40
			it. But
		
02:02:41 --> 02:02:43
			when you say growth,
		
02:02:43 --> 02:02:45
			he doesn't want to grow.
		
02:02:45 --> 02:02:47
			Maybe he doesn't need to grow right now.
		
02:02:48 --> 02:02:48
			Maybe
		
02:02:49 --> 02:02:50
			that's not
		
02:02:50 --> 02:02:51
			his
		
02:02:51 --> 02:02:52
			path right
		
02:02:53 --> 02:02:54
			now.
		
02:02:54 --> 02:02:58
			And then this is physically, you know, scrutiny.
		
02:02:58 --> 02:02:59
			There are a lot of things. There are
		
02:02:59 --> 02:03:00
			a lot of
		
02:03:00 --> 02:03:01
			programs.
		
02:03:03 --> 02:03:04
			There's a lot of things
		
02:03:07 --> 02:03:07
			again
		
02:03:11 --> 02:03:12
			from the about,
		
02:03:13 --> 02:03:15
			you know, moving on.
		
02:03:17 --> 02:03:20
			Growing into different people and things like that.
		
02:03:20 --> 02:03:22
			So I think we need to look at
		
02:03:22 --> 02:03:24
			what what do you want him to grow
		
02:03:24 --> 02:03:24
			into?
		
02:03:27 --> 02:03:29
			What are you looking for him to grow
		
02:03:29 --> 02:03:29
			into?
		
02:03:32 --> 02:03:34
			Obviously, you're growing as a person. Maybe he's
		
02:03:34 --> 02:03:35
			not what do you want him to grow
		
02:03:35 --> 02:03:36
			into because you always did that. I want
		
02:03:36 --> 02:03:39
			him to grow mentally, physically. I wanna pay
		
02:03:39 --> 02:03:41
			the growth, but he doesn't wanna grow himself.
		
02:03:41 --> 02:03:43
			What's wrong with him at the moment? That's
		
02:03:43 --> 02:03:44
			what I mean. Maybe he's thinking, hang on
		
02:03:44 --> 02:03:46
			a second. I'm working. I'm doing this. I'm
		
02:03:46 --> 02:03:47
			doing that, and you want me to do
		
02:03:47 --> 02:03:49
			this as well. So it's like it's just
		
02:03:49 --> 02:03:52
			thinking about what the other person wants and
		
02:03:52 --> 02:03:53
			where they are at the moment.
		
02:03:56 --> 02:03:58
			It could also be that he's just comfortable
		
02:03:58 --> 02:03:59
			where he is. You know? He's just not
		
02:03:59 --> 02:04:01
			And he supports
		
02:04:01 --> 02:04:01
			me.
		
02:04:04 --> 02:04:04
			Yeah.
		
02:04:05 --> 02:04:07
			He's not on that And I think it
		
02:04:07 --> 02:04:08
			speaks to that that same thing that we
		
02:04:08 --> 02:04:11
			were talking about about wanting to control our
		
02:04:11 --> 02:04:11
			husbands
		
02:04:12 --> 02:04:14
			and feeling like we need to pull them
		
02:04:14 --> 02:04:16
			up. We need to raise them. We need
		
02:04:16 --> 02:04:19
			to bring them up to our standard, our
		
02:04:19 --> 02:04:19
			level.
		
02:04:20 --> 02:04:22
			And, yeah, I mean, from a man's point
		
02:04:22 --> 02:04:24
			of view, to be honest, I can imagine
		
02:04:24 --> 02:04:25
			it being so off putting,
		
02:04:26 --> 02:04:28
			if that's how it's received, you know. It
		
02:04:28 --> 02:04:30
			could not be received that way. It could
		
02:04:30 --> 02:04:32
			be that you have that that relationship where
		
02:04:32 --> 02:04:34
			you guys, you know, that's just how you
		
02:04:34 --> 02:04:35
			how you roll.
		
02:04:35 --> 02:04:36
			But anyway,
		
02:04:38 --> 02:04:39
			ladies, you know, we could probably go on
		
02:04:39 --> 02:04:40
			for an hour or 2.
		
02:04:42 --> 02:04:45
			But, it has been just absolutely fantastic.
		
02:04:46 --> 02:04:49
			Oh, I've enjoyed this session so much.
		
02:04:50 --> 02:04:50
			Sister Sara,
		
02:04:51 --> 02:04:54
			Isa, Zaynah, Ruby. It's our first time together.
		
02:04:55 --> 02:04:56
			Many of us, it's our first time kind
		
02:04:56 --> 02:04:58
			of seeing and meeting each other, but I
		
02:04:58 --> 02:04:59
			just feel
		
02:04:59 --> 02:05:00
			just so
		
02:05:00 --> 02:05:01
			much so much
		
02:05:02 --> 02:05:03
			groundedness
		
02:05:03 --> 02:05:07
			on this panel. So I really appreciate every
		
02:05:07 --> 02:05:09
			single one of you for taking the time
		
02:05:09 --> 02:05:10
			to come out and share with our younger
		
02:05:10 --> 02:05:12
			sisters. I pray this is not the last
		
02:05:12 --> 02:05:14
			time. I know it's not gonna be the
		
02:05:14 --> 02:05:16
			last time, insha'Allah, even if some have to
		
02:05:16 --> 02:05:18
			be dragged kicking and streaming,
		
02:05:19 --> 02:05:21
			kicking and screaming to the stream inshallah
		
02:05:22 --> 02:05:22
			but
		
02:05:23 --> 02:05:25
			may allah bless every single one of you
		
02:05:25 --> 02:05:27
			in your all your affairs. Fidunya wa fil
		
02:05:27 --> 02:05:31
			akhirah bless your marriages, give you another 10,
		
02:05:31 --> 02:05:33
			15, 20, 30 years
		
02:05:36 --> 02:05:38
			And may you open the fast with your
		
02:05:38 --> 02:05:39
			grandchildren.
		
02:05:41 --> 02:05:43
			And everybody who's here, thank you so much
		
02:05:43 --> 02:05:45
			for rocking with us.
		
02:05:46 --> 02:05:48
			It's been a great evening. Thank you so
		
02:05:48 --> 02:05:51
			much for your attention today. Make sure that
		
02:05:51 --> 02:05:52
			you let other people know about this. We
		
02:05:52 --> 02:05:54
			have a whole day of talks again tomorrow
		
02:05:55 --> 02:05:55
			and Insha'Allah,
		
02:05:56 --> 02:05:58
			we wanna see you guys there.