Naima B. Robert – Roles in an Islamic Marriage, Advice to Muslim Women and Reverts LIVESTREAM
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This will allow salatu salam ala Rasulillah Allah Allah here, Sammy
Manuela. So today, we have a whole day event looking at the secrets
of successful wives. And my session is going to be looking at
the Islamic roles in marriages. Now, when we look at marriage in
Islam, there are certain things that we need to bear in mind. One
important point is that marriage is essentially about two people
coming together to worship Allah subhanaw taala in a
better way.
So one
thing that we have to bear in mind is to worship Allah Subhan Allah
in the best possible way. We have to cooperate and
look at why we are in the marriage in the first place.
And one of the things that Allah subhanaw taala talks about when he
mentioned marriage in the Quran is that is to get to people to find
tranquility in each other later, schooner la ha. So this aspect of
finding
Zykina finding peace and tranquility is one of the purpose
of marriage. And for us to achieve that,
there has to be some
active participation in fulfilling roles and responsibility. Now,
when we look at the Western culture, Western society, there's
a lot of emphasis on people seeking rights, their rights, so
that they are not shortchanged in any way. However, in Islam, when
we look at
people's duty, we focus a lot on responsibility more than the
rights.
And it's because when we look at responsibility is something that
you can change you can have control over. Whereas rights are
usually that which you seek from other people, which you don't
really have much control of. However, responsibility is
something that you can
actively create a change in how you take responsibility towards
your husband, or towards your wife, or towards your children or
towards your parents, or towards a job that you are held responsible
for. So in our dean, a lot of focus is put into our
responsibility more than
emphasizing on the rights. So we need to have a change of mindset
when it comes down to marriage. When entering the bond of
marriage, we have to be mindful of this is a relationship where there
is a lot of responsibility. So we go in with this attitude that we
have to make sure that we are doing what we are responsible for
this marriage to make it work. So as a woman, we have to ensure that
we have this understanding that okay, this is a stage in my life,
where I will be a wife. So what does it mean to be a wife in
Islam? And what are the roles that I'm going to be playing as a wife,
because all of these things would have an impact in the way we set
the tone for our marriage or the foundation of our marriage. And
this is not because we are trying to be slave to the husband No.
Rather, when we look at our deen, there are certain things that we
know we have to be obligated in doing. For example, when we become
at the age of, say, puberty, we realize that there are certain
responsibility that we have as a Muslim. So that means we pray our
five daily prayers, we fast in the month of Ramadan, and we observe
the hijab
that's a responsibility towards Allah subhanaw taala that we owe,
then there are certain responsibility that we have, if we
start earning, so we pay this occur, or we pay, you know,
whatever is due on our money. If you possess jewelry, we try to
calculate the two and a half percent, so that we can give in
soccer. So these are the responsibilities that we have over
the amount of money that we possess. Similarly, when we get
married, as a wife, as a husband, we have certain responsibility.
And we have to be mindful that these responsibilities are
fulfilled to the best of our ability.
So when we look at marriage, Islamic marriage, there are
certain responsibility. So let's look at the responsibility of the
man. And then we can look at the responsibility of the woman, the
husband and the wife. And of course, both parties have to be
active in fulfilling each other's responsibility only then the
marriage will work to the best of its ability and it will become
successful and it will give what is meant to give which is peace,
tranquility, and a sense of belonging.
So the husband,
number one priority for him to fulfill his responsibility is to
provide for his wife. And this is something that I think often we
don't put an emphasis on. When we are looking for marriage or when a
person presents himself for marriage. We have to be mindful.
Okay, how is he going to be
provide for his wife, how is he going to provide for his family.
And this is something that is very important from the onset, there is
this idea that some community have that, oh, you know, he will become
responsible when he gets married. No, he has to show a sense of
maturity and responsibility.
Before he embarks on marriage, so that he can, he can fend for
himself, and he can prove that he is able to take responsibility
himself and also for a person or for his wife.
financial responsibility lies on the husband, for him to provide
and this is something that is basic, and it's very important and
he has to be stressed from the onset, he is, must be should be
the breadwinner, the provider.
Number one for the woman, she has to have that idea that okay, I am
going to be embarking on a stage of my life where I'm going to be
the wife. So therefore, what does that mean? That means I'm going to
be supporting my husband. And that means by serving Him, and here, I
understand there is this negative connotation with regards to the
word serving or service. But if you look at it Pigma
is service and hikma is an act of love, and an act of care. And that
essentially, is what the woman is supposed to do. Because the role
of the woman is that she is the one who's going to be creating the
foundation for the Family Hub, the home, and she must have often
possess these qualities that will be conducive to rearing a family
and a
what's that word? A community, which is you know, her children,
the future generation. So her having that quality of serving and
caring and nurturing is something that is in our tradition, because
what did the masala lesson say? He said, marry the woman who is
fertile, and loving will do it and valued per ton and loving wife,
these two qualities I mentioned. Because when a woman is loving,
her love and her care would help to bring about a caring family and
a loving family, a connected family. That's the culture that we
want Islamic family to be raised upon love, care and compassion. If
she has that, she would pass that on. And Wynwood meaning a woman
who's fertile so she will have children, children who will
increase the amount of Muhammad salallahu Alaihe Salam. So these
two qualities are mentioned. So a woman's responsibility is that she
is serving her husband, she is serving the family. And those two
qualities they they work hand in hand. So he is serving financially
providing for the family and the woman the wife is serving the
needs of the family. So together, they are like a team team who are
working to
create a very harmonious family setup. When we see those two
things, absent from a Islamic family, that's when we see
problems and troubles. That's when we see chaos because everything
that Allah subhanaw taala orders us to do is there to benefit us
also benefit the wider society. But it's when we don't comply with
what Allah subhanaw taala wants us to do. That's when we see troubles
and difficulties and chaos. Now, of course, you will find in
certain marriages that one party is not doing enough or one party
is doing too much. And that's when there is an imbalance and that's
when there is a problem. However, we have to always be mindful that
sometimes there will be some
say shortcomings, but as long as we are trying to maintain the
responsibility to the best of our ability. So that there is this
concept of living in harmony like what Allah subhanaw taala says Why
should guna will not have to live with each other in goodness. And
part of living with each other in goodness is to understand each
other's needs and to help support and to cooperate to the best of
our ability. Now, now my if you want to ask
Get any questions you can show love, because I'm sure there are
certain points that you wanted to
tease out from the discussion.
You then.
Okay, I'm not sure if name is there or not. But to move on, one
of the points that I wanted to add is that
when we look at marriage, we have certain ideas about how we want
the marriage to be. However, sometimes it's important to
understand from the other party, what the expectations are, so that
we can understand better how they want the marriage to
work, or there are certain things say, for example, men may want
their wives to do so understanding what their husband wants them to
do, would help them to better deliver with regards to the
expectation. Similarly, if the wife feels that there are certain
things that a husband needs to know about her, or there are
certain certain sensitive issues that, you know, she she, you know,
has, then it's important for her to communicate that to her
husband, so her husband knows, and he's mindful not to say things or
do things that will upset her because ultimately, it's important
that both parties try to understand each other, so they can
fulfill each other's responsibility to the best of
their ability. Now, one of the things that we find in the seat of
the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam,
how he paid attention to the way I showed the Allahu on her was once
he said to her that you know, I know when you are angry with me,
and I know when you are pleased with me. So I showed the Allahu
and she said, how how is that here? Rasool Allah salAllahu
Alaihe Salam Islam, the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, when you
are
when you are not happy with me, like when you're annoyed with me,
you say but by by the Lord of Ibrahim.
But when you are happy with me, when you're pleased with me, you
say no, but by the Lord of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi salam,
so just by her usage of
his name, or leaving his name out, the Prophet sallallahu can tell
how he is feeling or whether she's upset with him or not. So here you
can see how the Prophet salallahu is paying so much attention to the
language to the way she's using the language. It's just one
difference. And that is, in some situation was a no by the road of
Muhammad salallahu Salam, and another time she will say no, but
no, but by the Lord of Ibrahim. So here, he noticed how there was a
change. So with that, he can tell how she's feeling. And this is
interesting, because between husband and wife, it's inevitable,
you will have ups and downs. No couples can say that we never
argue we never have, you know, disagreements, it's just
inevitable with any relationship, there will be differences.
However, it's how we manage the differences. So here you see how
the Prophet salallahu alayhi salam, he noticed how she omitted
his name. And when he narrated that to her, she agreed she said
yes, that is true. And then she said, I don't do anything except
just leave your name out, meaning you can see that she is expressing
that she is not happy, but in a very gentle way just by leaving
his name out SubhanAllah. So here, we take lesson and that is
sometime there will be there will there will be a situation where
you may fall out with your husband or he may do something that may
upset you. However, it's how you respond, how you how you behave,
that will say a lot about how your marriage is. So here. We take this
example of a shot of the Aloha and see how sometimes when husbands do
certain things, you may not be happy about it, but it's how you
carry on and how you deal with his or the differences. So that's one
aspect that we can bear in mind. Insha Allah, another aspect is
that between a husband and wife, there will be times where you
would you know need to get
engage in things that makes you feel
joy or makes you feel at ease. And it's important to find your
interest so that you can retain your individuality and your
interest because what tends to happen when women get married,
from my observation, I have seen that they tend to lose themselves,
thinking that this will help their marriage but in reality, it
actually harms their marriage. Why because they no longer know who
they are. And then they build up a resentment that is not healthy.
One thing I would advise this to ensure is when you get married, of
course, you're getting used to have this new relationship,
fulfilling the responsibility, but always, always retain something
that helps you to find yourself. So your interests, your hobbies,
or
whatever gives you joy. So if that means meeting your friend for a
cup of coffee, if that means going to the gym, if that means reading
a book, uninterrupted, if that means you go for long walks your
thing, the thing that makes you feel at home with yourself, where
you feel your authentic self, it's important to retain that why. So
that when you have like, say, troubles or differences or
difficulties, you can go back and retreat back into what makes you
you what makes you feel your true self. And this is very important.
Why because
everyone needs to have their sense of self, so that you can carry on
and fulfill the roles that you adopt through life. So the roles
of being a wife, the roles of being a mother, a daughter in law,
a sister, whatever roles that you assume, it's important that you
retain your own true self identity so that whenever you are
overwhelmed with all these different roles, you can come back
to yourself. And that's something that it's healthy for us to retain
so that we can ensure Allah fulfill the responsibilities of
being a wife, because that can sometimes become quite stressful
and overwhelming at many, many times. So it's important to retain
that.
Another thing that
while we were looking at Islam, a marriage that we must talk about,
and that is the intimate aspect of the marriage, one of the things
that often people overlook is when they're having problem, seeing
what's happening in the bedroom, that's something that we often
don't want to talk about, or feel shy to address. However, this is
something that many times is the main reason or one of the causes,
that creates problem in the marriage. So making sure now, the
husband and wife prioritize the intimate relationship. And by that
I mean, the the actual intimacy, the the physical interaction in
the bedroom area is taking care of, and that is something that we
have to prioritize, because that's one area that you cannot,
what can I say you cannot outsource you cannot, you know,
leave it to others to take care of this is something that you have to
ensure that you are taking care of to the best of your ability. And
if there are problems, if there are issues, then you have to
address it, no point, brushing it under the carpet, because it's not
going to go away. In fact, in some situations, it gets really worse.
So making sure that is priority is panela.
Once the companions were sitting with the Prophet salallahu Alaihe
Salam, and then the Prophet SAW Allah loves him and said, was
addressing them and saying to them, that when one of you fulfill
his needs with his wife, then there is charity. Now the
Companions do a astonished no surprise, they said yeah surah
Allah, we satisfy ourselves with our wives, and then there is you
know, you know, meaning like we get pleasure from from this act,
and then there is reward, then the Prophet sallallahu sallam said
yes, if you want to do the same action, in a haram haram way,
there will be punishment. So therefore, because you've done it
in a permissible way, in a legitimate way, there is reward.
So here you can see
about when a husband and wife are being intimate with each other,
this is an act of charity. When you look at the concept of
charity, what do you understand
sadaqa or charity, in essence is giving something to someone in, in
order to fulfill the needs. So think about it, that desire to be
intimate, is a need, sometimes is the need of the husband, sometimes
it's the need of the wife. So when one fulfills the need, it's like
giving in charity. So having this concept helps women and men to be
generous in that area, because there will be times where you may
not feel up to it, or you may feel tired, or you may feel not in the
mood. But when you look at it like this, this is an act of charity,
this is a responsibility that I have towards my spouse, then that
concept helps to deliver to the best of your ability. So again, it
goes back to this whole concept of Wallace ponder what the law says
with regards to marriage, why should one in the roof live with
each other in goodness, and this is this is like the guiding
principle, the idea of being in marriage is so that we are
worshipping Allah subhanaw taala in the best possible way. And in
order for us to do that, we have to cooperate and we have to
understand each other and we have to fulfill responsibility that we
have towards each other, only then there will be peace, tranquility,
and discomfort that we'll find for for for ourselves in this
relationship. Now Subhanallah this relationship Allah subhanaw taala
gave an example in the Quran as a laborers who now laborers to look
more intimately Basler Han. Now when you think about a garment,
what comes to mind, a garment has certain purpose.
The basic purpose of a garment is to cover up, then we have garments
that we wear to beautify us, then we have garments that
covers our shame, then we have garments, the purpose of it is
that it keeps us comfort, it keeps us comfortable, and gives us
comfort. In wintertime, it's winter in in Britain, you you wear
certain garments to shield you from the cold, harsh, bitter
weather. Similarly, I spouse, they are described as a garment. And a
garment has all of these qualities it covers it protects it
beautifies it, you know, covers our private parts. And it makes us
comfortable certain garments that we were some people they prefer
wearing cotton. Why? Because maybe they have sensitive skin. So for
that reason, they choose to wear cotton so they feel comfortable,
it prevents them from feeling itchy or discomfort on the skin
because of the sensitive skin that they have. So they would choose to
wear certain type of material cotton. So all of these qualities
we have with regards to the garment that we wear. Similarly,
our spouse is supposed to be fulfilling all these different
roles as our spouse, just like the garment. Now, often, when we look
at this concept of this idea of our spouse being a garment, we
focus our attention on is he been the garment that I desire, but
very often we overlook, what about what about myself? How am I so
common to him? Do I cover his shame? Do I? Again, it's that
whole idea of looking at responsibility more than focusing
on the rights because it's easy to focus on the rights. Why? Because
it's something that we demand we want we expect from others. But
you can't control you don't have any power to affect change in the
rights because essentially, it's up to the other person. However,
when we look at responsibility, we have direct control, we can create
a change immediately. You can think okay, I'm going to be a bit
more responsible when it comes down to seven. I'm going to be a
bit more responsible when it comes to complying with
What he wants me to do. So you can create a change immediately. And
this is,
if you like, the game changer in marriage, when you want certain
things to change for better is to have that idea that I will change
certain areas that I am responsible for, so that there is
a change in the relationship.
And what I mean is that, in a relationship, if you want certain
things to change, that change has to come from you. Why, because I'm
a great believer that behavior breeds behavior, meaning, if you
change your behavior, then you will see the response to your
change behavior will be different. And that difference will create a
change
in the relationship for the better. And I think one idea that
we often see is that people have this resistance to change if they
want certain positive changes in the relationship they would want
or expect the other person to change first. But in reality, it
doesn't happen. So the wise thing would be to create a chain within
yourself so that you can manage the change more effectively.
nyama Can you jump back on and Sharla asked me any questions if
you need any clarity, because I'm just rambling on it feels like you
know, I need to understand what questions you have so that I can
understand which which way to go.
Now am I here I am here just a colossal failure. Okay, thank you
so much for that really, really important reminder, masha Allah, I
know that many many people benefited from it. Let's get some
questions from the VIPs in sha Allah and also anybody on who's
watching online, please feel free to post your questions. We have a
bit of time before the next panel. The day is actually much more
packed than I thought it was. So Alhamdulillah we have another
session at
I think it's you guys as four o'clock. So let me check to see
any questions from the VIPs please inshallah do put them in the chat
and we will address them. But as far as I can see in the YouTube
everybody is very happy. They're just mashallah enjoying and
responding to what you've said, insha Allah so let me just check
through
I think people talked about what you said, were
having, being patient, even when upset and also the importance of
empathy on both sides. That was also appreciated, masha Allah.
So here's a question about the
SR, CSL she was talking about the Hadith about the woman who's the
woman who are loving and fertile. Right? When she says that the
understanding that she has from it is that you should choose the
woman who wants to have children who is inclined towards
motherhood, obviously, because the fertility is not in our hands, and
we don't know really, who is fertile. Would you agree with
that? Without understanding?
Of course, you know, what the system is saying is true, no one
knows who is you know, fertile. But, you know, the idea that, you
know, a woman, you know, she comes from a family where, you know, you
could see her parents, her aunts, you know, generally speaking, they
have children, you know, so that's a sign that, you know, she's from
that kind of background. So, the idea is that the woman you know,
would want to have children and he is you know, a loving nature to
So, when you see the way she interacts with other young you
know, people you can get to understanding her quality you
know, in terms of her maternal instincts. So, these qualities are
there to help us to choose people, women who will be willing to raise
a family and nurture the family and she would have the qualities
that will be suitable to bring up a family
and Allah knows best, masha Allah hamdulillah really good question
here, which I think is definitely worth having a conversation about
even if we can't answer the whole thing and that is talking about
the roles within a blended family.
Now this is like obviously there's Sharia implications right to being
married to having a stepmother step father situation. Also step
siblings. Do you feel like diving into
Got a little bit
I don't have a chat about it. I don't have a like direct, you
know, experience. However, my father, he got married to my mom
after his first wife passed away. So I have half brothers or
stepbrothers, however you want to call it and the way we interact is
pretty much like, okay, there are brothers, and you know, you have
that respect and, you know, kind of, you know, fair, and, you know,
obviously, it's different with, you know, like step brothers and
sisters and or half brothers and sisters. However, if you apply the
general rule of having respect for your elders and love and
compassion to young ones, then that principle helps to, you know,
navigate helps you to guide through any situation that you
come across.
Yeah, Mashallah. And I think, you know, with with the step parents
situation, I think what we would all advise is for you to have very
open and honest conversations about the expectations that you
have, or the hopes that you have, and this is for the men and the
women, is if you are going to marry somebody who has children,
or you yourself, have children, and you're considering marrying
somebody, have very, firstly, get your expectations in line with the
Sharia, that's the first thing, have realistic expectations. Don't
expect this new person to be the world and to bring the world and
to make the world you know, like 100%, everything that you've ever
wanted it to be, have realistic expectations about what you hope
to gain, but very importantly, what you are going to bring to the
marriage. I say this specifically for sisters who have children, you
need to really think hard about what you will be able to give this
man as a wife, not just what you need from him as a stepdad or a
husband. I don't know whether you've encountered this situation
at all, Sis, do you have any, any thoughts on this?
You know, I think generally speaking, you know, when it comes
down to any relationship, it's very important to understand what
your expectations are, and also what the other person can deliver.
Uh, you know, realistically, and then I think there will be less
disappointment and more of a satisfaction in the relationship,
what tends to happen is that we over expect, and then we have
under delivery. And that creates a lot of frustration, and that
creates a lot of resentment as well. So I think it's important to
have, you know, less expectation and more communication, so that
therefore, there's a lot more so gratitude in, you know, if you
expect less than your own, you're going to be surprised, but if yes,
a lot, then you you're up for disappointment, and even with your
own parents and own like, you know, say children, when you have
unrealistic expectation, there's always going to be disappointments
and hurt. So I think it's very important not to have that
expectation and have a sense of like, you know, clarity as to what
you what you would like, you know, and that is communication, and
then Inshallah, you know, if it's given, then, of course, you are
appreciative and you're grateful, because what tends to happen,
people stay silent when things are given, and they only complain and
things are not given. So, if we change the like, you know,
attention to appreciating whatever is given, and being patient when,
with when when there is a shortfall.
Yeah, 100%. And again, you know, going back to the the situation of
you know, marrying somebody and you have children or they have
children, that honest conversation about what do you need, right?
What's your baseline? Firstly, having that conversation with
yourself, you know, just say for example, you're a man, and you
have young children, you know, you're a widower, you're a
divorcee, whatever the case may be, you have young children,
what's your baseline, right? Your baseline could be that you know,
she doesn't have kids on her own, or that she has kids of her own or
that she's prepared to be a full time mother to your kids or that
she's you know, whatever it is that you have, you need to be
clear on that what is it that you need? And what is a nice to have?
Similarly, if you are a sister who has kids, what is it that you
need? And what's your baseline right everything else being a nice
to have so for example, if your children have or have a
relationship with their father, and he's you know, active in their
lives which we want to see more of and hope that that is the case for
him for the average. Then what you will require from your new husband
will be different to somebody whose children do not have a
father figure in their life at all right? If you at the moment are
have a job
and you are working and you're happy to continue to support your
children. What you require or may require from your husband as a
baseline and a new husband as a baseline is not going to be the
same as somebody who is struggling financially, somebody who cannot
look after her children, right, who is in need of financial
support and protection, again, different situations. And it's
worth having that conversation upfront, because don't assume
anything, I think when it comes to blended families, not assuming
anything, right off the bat really helps, because like you said, we
tend to have very high hopes and very high expectations and make a
lot of assumptions about what the other person understands from a
step parent relationship. And we just need to have honest
conversations to say, Okay, this is what I would like, but this is
my baseline, what do you see? What do you what are you happy to do?
What do you want to build? You know, what is it that you? How do
you see the situation playing out? And I think with sisters, my
advice would be asked the brother to tell you what he wants First,
don't come in saying I'm looking for a dad for my kids. I need a
man who's gonna fulfill his Islamic responsibilities. Because
guys, just so you know, the stepfather is not financially
responsible for his stepchildren, right? That's from Sharia. That's
not his duty. Of course, if he can, he will, you know, if he
wants to do he will, but it's not his duty. So, again, asking him,
well, how do you see this playing out? What role would you like to
play? Yeah, he says, I just want to be like an uncle to them. Or I
just want to treat them with respect. Or I would like to be
like a father figure, or I'd like to be the head of the household,
then you say, you can you can see what he's how he's seeing things.
And you can ask yourself, Am I prepared to get on board with that
or not? Is that going to work for my children? I or not? I don't
know, what do you think so, you know, one thing that I have to add
here is, I often when working with sisters in the community, advise
them and say that, you know, even if your marriage does not work
out, you still have to maintain a relationship with the Father,
because you're still going to be co parenting. And that's when now
when you have blended family, you can have a support network, so
that the child or the children are still having their biological
father have been had the responsibility towards them
financially, you know, so that makes it easier for one to like,
you know, progress into their life and not think about, okay, you
know what, this new man, he has to take all the responsibility,
because like you're saying, in Sharia, obviously, the
responsibility lies with the biological father to provide for
the children, if the setup is that the children are with the mother.
So I think it's very important, whatever, you know, life throws at
you, you still have to maintain that relationship so that it's
easier for you to co parent, your children that you have with the
Father. And I think that would, you know, give a lot of peace of
mind to the parents, the children, and the entirely blended family so
that everyone is still held responsible, despite the fact that
some marriages may have not worked, or you know, what or not.
So I think that whole idea of responsibility in marriages is
essential. Why? Because life will throw different, you know, say
obstacles, but if everyone is held responsible, then you know, the
function, you know, of the marriage is going to go smooth to
the best of his ability. Yeah, yeah. I agree. And I think just to
like to close this this question, I think that we as a community,
especially family members, need to make sure that we are keeping our
children, cousins, nephews nieces accountable. So if there has been
a breakup, and your your daughter is keeping her children from their
dad and his dad, that dad that they're sorry, had their dad and
their dad's family, or you have a son who hasn't seen his children
after the divorce and is not providing for them. You should
have something to say about that. Yeah, yeah, definitely. I couldn't
agree with this more, because what tends to happen, you know, that
whole, like, the positive pressure in the community is slowly
disappearing, because everyone's thinking like, I have to mind my
business. No, we have this thing in Islam where we know we have to
command good and forbid evil. And that is something that we have to
do on a personal level so that people, they are nudged into doing
the right thing, and sometimes that right thing would be
uncomfortable. But when we look at the bigger picture is better for
everyone better for the children better for the family better for
the community, you know, so I think it's important that we don't
get so caught up in our personal issues and grudges and our egos,
and we are sometimes told to do the right
thing you know and hear what you mentioned about accountability.
This comes from the idea of wanting to do, right by ALLAH
SubhanA wa Taala first and foremost, yeah 100% again guys is
the same, same refrain, which is keeping Allah subhanaw taala at
the,
at the center of everything, you know, at the center of everything,
as the source as the destination, everything done feasibility law,
everything done for the sake of Allah. And when it's done for the
sake of Allah, that's where the reward is that where it will never
be lost, where it will never not be acknowledged or accepted in sha
Allah, it will be accepted, but never not acknowledged, never not
repaid. So, yeah, we want to see that happening within blended
family situations as well as very much as possible.
On tell how, where can people find you Insha Allah, and how can they
get your help if they want it?
Well, I'm on Instagram, I have coaching service called head
coaching so you can access my service through there. Also, I
have a personal page underscore and tell her you can find me on
Instagram. If you're in London, East London, I hold a weekly
circle every Saturday in Whitechapel. 1030 to 1230 is for
mums and the daughters women it's been running for over a decade now
Mashallah. So we circle every morning and it's a fantastic space
for mothers to come with their young people. So you can do an
excellent, I love that. Okay, does that feel okay to um, tell her I'm
going to allow you to get back to your family in sha Allah.
Hopefully you'll be able to look in or listen in on the rest of the
sessions that are going on. But for now, may Allah accept all your
efforts. May He bless you and your family, and allow you to see the
fruits of all this wonderful information that you've been
sharing on your mukaiyama Evening Ledger's Hakalau. Hallo.
radiculopathy SonicWALL Tila Wiley comm Salam wa Rahmatullah who
better care to?
Right, guys? Let me know in the chat. What was your what were your
biggest takeaways? There was a question here that I'd like to
address. Inshallah, while I'm waiting for the next ladies to
come on to the panel. It's going to be another fire panel, I
believe. My shot a lot about a cola. And the question was how to
prepare yourself to have realistic expectations during the courtship.
Watch the videos on my channel, we've been talking a lot about
expectations, a lot about being realistic about
deciding what your baselines are deciding what you're, you know,
what is what are your non negotiables? And then kind of what
are your nice to haves, I think that's already a very good
starting point. But what I say to to, to all people who are looking
to get married, but especially my sisters is learn what it is about
you that would make a man want to marry you. Right? I'm gonna say
that again, learn what it is about you that would make a man wants to
marry you. What is it about you about who you are, how you are,
what you do, what you offer, you know, how you are in life, how you
navigate life,
what your skill sets are, what your abilities are, what is it
about you that would make a man want to be married to you, and
lean into that? Lean into that? I remember having a conversation
with a sister when I was in the UK, who was saying, you know, I've
got three young kids, I'm a divorcee. I can't see any man
wanting me because of ABCD. And we sat down and we had a conversation
and I said to her, you have a specific set of challenges. This
is true. Okay?
For whatever reason, these are challenges. Some people will see
these challenges and be like, No, I'm out. I can't deal with this
fun. You're not for them. But some people may see those challenges.
But if you know what value you actually bring along with those
challenges, you can now have a conversation. Because you're not
defined by your challenges. Everyone has challenges. None of
us is a 10 out of 10. None of us is perfect, right? Everybody has
something that's not ideal, because we're not perfect beings.
Whatever it is that you have, that's not ideal. What do you have
that is closer to ideal? What have you got in your favor? What
advantages do you have? What value do you have? What do you bring
specific to you? Right? Not as a woman, this is what I do know you
specifically. So in her case, for example, one of the things was
that her children are very well disciplined, and that she has a
lot of family support, which in her situation meant that she is
not looking for a man who will come in and discipline her kids.
So that particular aspect may not be as much of a challenge and also
because she had support
Her children will be able to stay with their grandmother, it meant
that she could have time to be spent one on one time with her
husband. Now, that might not be your situation, it could be that
you don't have any family support, in which case, that's your
challenge. And you need to think well, what do I have? For example,
you know, just simple things, but the things that men look for the
things that would make a man want to marry you. I hope that that
makes sense. Guys, let me know in the chat if it does, if it
doesn't, hopefully, it's useful. But yeah, I think I think
balancing you know, how the the believe the hearts of the
believers are between fear and hope. I think that when it comes
to marriage, I think our hearts should be between dreams and
reality, right? Optimism and realism. So you're between the
two, right? You're not so realistic, that you have no hope.
Right? And that you lose hope in the Mercy of Allah and that you
lose hope in, in in overcoming any of your circumstances. So you're
not so weighed down in the reality that it gets on top of you, and
makes you think that you know, it's done, there's no hope for
you. But conversely, you're not so full of optimism that you think
that anything is possible. Without any effort, and without making any
changes, anything could happen. Right? So you're like in a fantasy
world? So does that make sense? Guys? Let me know in the chat, if,
if that makes sense is that lands for anybody that being between
optimism and realism. And it's the same with our marriage, it's not
just when you're looking to get married, just with marriage in
general, be balanced between the realistic demands of marriage and
then the optimism in the beauty that can come and what Allah can
bring and the power of dua
let me know guys, my VIPs are very quiet today.
So please let me know guys in the VIPs in sha Allah, if that makes
any sense for you if that's useful, or if you have some
pushback, actually, which is also fine. Let me know what your
thoughts are. I'd love to know in sha Allah and I've got my next
ladies that I'm going to bring them into the room now in sha
Allah. Word Khalid
is it Oh, my Brahim who's on the panel?
I believe it is.
Just see now
Sorry, ladies, those of you who have come for the panel, please
can you just tell me in the chat because I'm not sure who you are.
So let me know insha Allah
and then I can I can upgrade you Bismillah
um, look man is one of them. Ah,
hey.
Alhamdulillah says how are you? Pleasure to be here Alhamdulillah
I am super excited to be here. Thank you so much for having us
here. So I can help you out with the panelists inshallah. Um, Look,
man, yes. She's a panelist, Maria. Yeah, she's also a panelist.
Do you see sister soul?
I saw a message from her but she popped off. I think I could have
saw that more saline. She's also and Oh, my Brahim from Ibrahim,
okay.
And is this okay?
This is the souls in the group Okay, so I think that's about it.
Right so we also supposed to be having Surah Surah Mohammed but
she hasn't responded yet. So inshallah she'll already Masha
Allah Hamdi
so it can everyone does o'clock and sisters if you're able to tilt
your phones so that it's not in portrait but it's in landscape
that say that was so much better yay why they come salon want to
welcome ladies Welcome Welcome. Welcome. Super excited about
today's session. So let me just let everybody know in YouTube
guys, please can you make sure you like the video? Subscribe to the
channel. We're on our way to 50k subscribers and you can help us
get there in sha Allah. You as you know we are going to be live
streaming literally for these three days. I think it's almost
nonstop today until the end of the day and then tomorrow is from the
morning to the night Sunday again morning to the night. So please
Firstly, make dua for all these wonderful brothers and sisters who
have taken time out to come and speak Mashallah. And then all the
brothers and sisters who are struggling to get married or who
are struggling in their marriages make dua for them to and then next
make dua for myself, your host and then like the video and subscribe
to the channel is free is easy. Bismillah do it. Okay ladies, what
I'm going to do in sha Allah is I'm going to start the video and
I'm going to ask you to
to firstly tell us what the sisters corner is about in the
most succinct way possible, and then a quick name drop of everyone
and then we're going to get into because we don't have a lot of
time and we have to stick to time and we've got lots to cover
inshallah. Okay, so I'm going to record now Bismillah
Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Welcome to the sisters
from the sisters corner.
Welcome, ladies. You're all here Ma sha Allah for the first time
all together, I think on my, on my panel. So that's wonderful. But I
would like to find out in sha Allah, who, what the sisters
corner is, and who each of you are. And then we're going to jump
into the topic of feminism, no, no feminism motto mother today,
feminists, feminine feminine traits, masculine traits, how
that's showing up in marriages. And I want to drill into the new
generation of Muslims, Muslim men and Muslim women and and how we
are navigating this current dynamic that we're in today of
basically everything being totally confused. So why do you want to
take it away and tell us who the sisters corner is? And then we'll
go round with everyone. Bismillah AR Rahman Rahim. First of all,
thank you so much for having us here today. cisternae mashallah,
you're doing great, great work. I'm sister wide and founder of the
sisters corner. And the sisters corner is basically a networking
organization and online networking organization that is focused on
reviving traditional Islamic values, and guiding women to
Islam. So I was inspired to create it, because I saw the lack of
proper Muslim representation for young Muslim women. And I thought
there's so many sisters who are doing such great work, but they're
doing it individually. And I thought, if I could bring all of
these sisters together, and we can work together
to guide the sisters, it would not only be much easier, but we'd be
we'd create a much stronger force because it's so easy to take down
and ritual so hard to take down, you know, a group of people, and
So alhamdulillah that's what this corner is. And I'm so happy to be
here.
And Who have we got with us here? Ladies, you want to say maybe your
name, your status? I don't know. Whatever you want to tell us about
yourself? Insha Allah really quickly, let's go around so we
know who you are. It sounds like I'm Alma Brahim.
I'm a homeschooling mom. And I've been involved in individual Dawa
like Cesar was said, and
yeah, I feel like I haven't really been it hasn't been that
impactful. So
as he survived he's doing great mashallah just like aloha and for
having me and part of your team sister.
Anytime, sentiment
sound like one of Motorola. It's on Salahuddin alias aka SR Sol. I
have recently joined the sisters corner. Because I have realized
that we shared so many views and they have enlightened me and I
will speak about it a bit later, about certain concept of but this
redefinition of masculinity and femininity not to be confused with
feminism. And I think many people make make the wrong obviously
definitions and yeah, so I'm extremely happy to be here. And it
feels so nice that we are able to talk about real topics for real
sisters living real life hamdulillah
the lump?
Sum Aleikum Beckstrom, my name is Maria I'm Maria thinks on
Instagram and
I'm inshallah just recently during the sisters corner, because I am
all about redefining what it means to be a wife, a mother, and a
Muslim woman. I came from like an opposite background. So I'm just,
I've just sort of started my own journey of learning more about
myself and
like changing things in myself and I just feel like a lot of people
are suffering maybe because they have the same issues and I'm all
about empowering other people too, and helping them change as well.
Mila McMahon?
Or Musa? Thank you, there she goes. Look, man, you're still
muted. mursaleen maybe.
Okay, okay.
Yeah, you're good. Can I go? Yes. Okay. Hey, so my goal My name is
I'm on the plan. I'm
30 years old. I'm a stay at home mom of four and a homeschooling
mom as well. And I am a wife of 1011 years 10 and a half years and
I'm cool wipes with the more saline here.
So yeah,
does that color
Okay, okay mousseline.
I said I'm on a comb everyone I'm
I'm mursaleen my handle is we're studying on Instagram. As you
know, as a look man just said I am her co wife of three months. It
was three months last week. hamdulillah Mashallah. Mashallah.
I'm also three months. I'm sorry, 30 years old. I'm actually
currently living with a milkman and our husband and her children.
And yeah, I'm just really excited to be here with you all.
hamdulillah fun times, Masha. Allah fun times. Okay, so let's,
for some context, obviously, I'm a different generation to you guys.
And when I was coming up, in the deen, things were probably a lot
more black and white than they are now. Right things much, much
simpler than they are now everyone kind of understood their roles in
the same way. We had, you know, fairly realistic expectations, I
think of marriage and of our husbands and of the lifestyles
that we could expect. Sometimes, expectations are actually even
lower.
But we didn't see then what we're seeing now, which is this huge gap
between what Muslims want and kind of what the Dean says, especially
when it comes to marriage? What do you think is happening? Especially
to the younger generation? So I'll say, I'll say late millennials,
and Gen Z, what would you say is going on?
One?
Okay, so, for me, I think there's a huge
blur within the gender roles, mainly because we have been taught
that we can do everything each, the other gender can be done. And
there is no longer pride within what we can do, what men can do as
men, so men don't have that pride anymore. Because of course, the
emasculation that has happened. But that's also, you know, we also
have that we don't have pride in our feminine roles anymore. And
society as a whole, is really pushing for the, you know,
especially particularly from the female perspective, for careers,
and not, not really giving any status to mothers and things to do
with, you know, with our femininity. And so a lot of women,
they, they don't want to get married, number one, also because
of the generational trauma. So a lot of a lot of marriages didn't,
you know, they weren't ideal, or, or anywhere near that, for that
matter of fact, and because of that, there's this fear of
marriage and fear of being trapped in that marriage. And that causes
a lot of women to not want to be married.
And, you know, it's a lot of it's a lot of factors that add to this,
I'd say definitely generational trauma for the woman. That's one
of the things I hear a lot of women who speak about, where their
idea
of being a woman being a wife, being a mother is so tainted and
destroyed because of what they saw their parents go through. And then
to add to that, you have the whole propaganda of getting women into
careers, and that feminist advice that you always hear going around,
you know, and so women find that that is, you know, that they make
that their goal. And then unfortunately, later on, they
realize in life later in life, how lonely it becomes, and how,
really,
the career and the corporate world will not give you what a family
can give you that love and satisfaction Subhanallah you know,
and I think the main issue here is that we are not giving the correct
solution to the sisters the solution that society today is
giving us is yeah, go get us career delay or marriage, you
gotta be financially independent, so on so forth. That is not the
solution. And the reason why it's not the solution is if we want to
fix the bad marriages that we saw happen to the generation that past
right, we need to go and see what is causing such problems in these
marriages. Right. And particularly in the over the last few decades.
We had we you know, we saw a whole lot of instability within the
society as a whole. There's so many different changes that have
happened over the last century. And it was like, you know, our
parents, for example, the reason why they would have gone through
or you know, a lot of instability, intention is because you had
feminism you had culture on the one side, a culture is a huge
factor, right and it's
stead of us solving the problem and teaching for example, men to,
you know, treat their wives with respect to provide to protect, to
be to be there for them and, you know, teaching wives to be, you
know, good and not to be, you know, manipulative or emasculated,
if that's even a word. But you get what I mean, instead of, you know,
going back to the actual root of the problem, society just comes
and says, No, the solution is go get a career. And then but is that
really the solution temporarily? Yes, it is. Because you know,
until you're 3035 40, you're all happy, you're independent, and
then, you know, it hits you that you want to you want to be a
mother, you want to have children, you know, and then you realize
that that that solution society gave you is not so much, you know,
a solution in the long term, and it doesn't give you that real
satisfaction.
Oh, hey, sister. So
I completely agree. And I think one of the major issues is the
fact first of all, for men, or for men's is to admit that we actually
have an issue. And we have to take this step back, and with a lot of
humility, and I always say like, subhanAllah unity is such the
answer to so many struggles that we have, it starts with a self
realization, like step. But wait a second, is that actually
benefiting me? Or is benefiting a capitalist system? Or is it
benefiting the most important people in my life, my children.
And I think we all had these little dreams when we were young,
like we wanted to have a career we wanted to be successful, because
we, we live in a society that defines success through money,
income, I don't know like Chanel bags, or Louis Vuitton, whatever
it is, and this is how the the definition were pushed down our
throat. And I will Llahi Subhanallah sister, Naima,
actually, this is how I met with the sister scorners. I had to
redefine what was masculinity, femininity, and this notion of
toxic masculinity. This is how women today are scared of men, we
have associated masculinity and toxic in the same word, then you
know what, very humbly, and very simply, I went and open a
dictionary. And I tried to define what was masculinity originally,
because things are very much changing. Those last years, and
even the definition, simple definition of as genders are
changing, and making people doubt even their own identity. And that
to women, they are the most amazing create jobs and Pamela,
and they try to everything that the society is pushing the woman
to be is against our own fitrah is again own happiness against home,
mental health, etc. Going back to the vacation when it comes to
masculine toxicity. And I was one of the sisters that I used to
think, yes, there was such a thing as masculine toxicity. Because
masculinity sometimes can be too much. It can be toxic, I'm like,
wait a second, let me go back to the dictionary. And define toxic
masculinity, sorry, masculinity is all the adjectives, all them are
gonna say, the benefits and all the beautiful things that define a
men, just like femininity, is all the things that define a woman,
they are good by nature, by definition, they can only be good,
you cannot be too much of a woman, like you cannot be too much of a
man. But we have been forced lately so much to disturb all
those definitions, that we are even hating the word masculinity,
when actually, the lack of masculinity and the lack of
femininity is actually one of the biggest cause of divorce today.
Men are not providers. Men are not protectors anymore. Men are not
carer anymore. When I mean caring. I mean emotionally. I mean,
spiritually, I mean, in every sense. And women are not feminine
anymore, because they are not allowed to be it is perceived as a
weakness. And we are asking them to be the man and to replace all
those gaps. Rather than Alexis the word said, going back to basis
learning meant teaching men to be men again, and women to be women
again, to be in tune with the Phaedra. And we wondering what
mental health is up to the roof and, and the struggle and the
depression in woman's because we are not in tune with our fitter.
And fitter is to be loved, protected provided for to be
Queens basically, and to be cared for. And we are going everything
that the society wants us to do goes against our motherhood, our
womanhood and our waffle. Why food if that's a term I just created,
and I just like Wonder like this is and that's what I agree with is
the word when I heard like there was no such a thing as masculine
toxicity. I was like, what would the sister say? No, of course
there is and then I had to humble myself and realize that was
actually true. And the only masculine toxicity is the one that
woman's are developing lately. This is toxic for them. Because
this is completely unbalanced with the fitrah. This is toxic to their
own self. It's, it's killing them from the inside. And this is the
only for me today. And I'm saying I'm from a very humble student
like position, because I've realized that recently that the
only masculine toxicity is dormant that we women, develop be as a
different mechanism because of the absence of father because of
transgenerational trauma. Because I'm Nigerian, and because maybe of
French Islamophobia, whatever I have, I have developed. And for
me, it was a self realization for myself, like, a self realization
that I have, maybe I am maybe the masculine toxic person here,
because I have like, routed my energy too much into that energy
that should have been like feminine, but I wasn't allowed to
be feminine. I wasn't in a situation when I could just be
myself just be protected. Just be careful. Yeah, and just be
provided for and that has Yeah, subhanAllah that's all the notion
that I want to talk about today. And, and from a very humble
perspective, from a new learner again, and again, and Hamdulillah.
Wow, Subhan Allah says, I've never heard this toxic masculinity
explained in this way. And it is very, very profound. What? And
anyway, I'm not gonna talk too much, because, you know, but it's,
well, I mean, guys, just give me a thumbs up if you agree with her,
right? Just give me a thumbs up if you agree that the masculine
because obviously, we have masculine and feminine, we all
have aspects of it, right. So the masculine that is in us, and that
is being trained up and fortified by the education system by, you
know, school, university, you know, the whole the whole system,
right?
The drive to succeed, to compete to win to make stuff happen to be,
you know, as masculine as possible. You know, in the end,
like you said, it shows up in so many different ways, physically,
emotionally, psychologically destructive. And not only that,
but also in the impacts decisions. I'm trying to make sense of this,
because this is the first time I'm hearing it. When we're in our
masculine. We operate in a way that repels masculine men.
It attracts feminine men that we are disgusted by. So now our
relationships don't work. Right. And now men are trash, right?
Because, well, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm the AlphaBay.
Like, it's these guys that can't handle it. And they're insecure.
And that this and that. I'm the boss, babe. Yeah, right. Exactly.
So So there's so there's that aspect, there's also the aspect of
of feeling like you have to make everything happen yourself,
otherwise it doesn't count. So if I didn't earn the 10, the 50, the
100k a month, it doesn't count. Like if my husband earns it. That
doesn't count because I didn't do it. You know, if there's a house
that's bought, but I didn't buy it, or I didn't put in or that was
not my house. It doesn't count. Right, my my achievements, which
are masculine achievements, they are important to me, and they are
more important to me than supporting a man for sure. They're
more important to me than starting a family for sure. Because this is
my worth. This is how I get to stand tall in the world, as men
do. But not only that, it encourages us to make decisions
that impact on us later down the line. Because of hypergamy. Right
now you've you've made the pool shrink, because now you're you're
you're overqualified, you're overqualified and under qualified,
that's the crazy thing. You're overqualified, right? Because you
you make too much money, your lifestyle is too lavish and no man
is good enough as far as you're concerned, because they're not as
successful as you as at what blah, blah, blah. But you're under
qualified now because you're older, as a woman as a, as a woman
as a wife. Exactly. You're you are overqualified as a man and
underqualified as a woman. It's like that thing that women. Gray.
Right? It's like women become she became the man she wanted to
marry. Right? That that sort of thing that they say, but also,
like you said, by the time you get to the stage where you wake up and
your biology is calling you, it's for some people, it's too late.
Now you're at a real disadvantage, right? So all that masculine that
you are operating in, it impacts yourself, your psyche, your whole
psyche, your relationships, you weren't able to keep them. And
then you get to a stage where the femininity is pushing and say,
hey, hey, hey, I'm still here. And now it's too late to kind of make
the kind of decisions that you maybe would have made if you had
all the options open. I don't know.
Okay.
That's a lot
Okay, so but how responsible are Muslims, especially Muslim women?
And I'm going to say Muslim men too, because I do be seeing them
online. How responsible are Muslims? For Islam rising? What is
happening right now in the community when it comes to the
push against masculinity and the push for feminism? How, how much
are Muslims involved in that?
My issue is I'm going to very speak quickly, because I'm sure
other sisters have to say on that. And I will repeat again that one
of the massive issues not only have we must related woman, but we
have victimized them as well. And we have moved from them and the
sense of responsibility. And you really took me years I'm saying
that from a place from a divorces sisters, single mothers that have
experienced so much for and needed that self reflection, to put
myself not only blaming demands like oh, yeah, he did he did
things where he did, and he will answer to Allah isn't sure about
it. But that's the excuses not to become better human being better
Muslimah that a woman better like mothers? No. And it was through
this journey of self reflection and self realization. I'm saying
that that toxic masculinity when I redefined it, that was a week ago,
system,
like a long time ago. And I'm saying that because sometimes our
ego, like, you know, the little notice that we have a quick
judgment is, is rushing us and is not something the ego is not
allowing us to learn more. And you know, like and question, my
definition, question that what is a mental? Yeah, actually everyone
today.
He cares what a man is. Everybody's confused about what a
woman is right now. Exactly. But that's why I say like, subhanAllah
again, and again, that's one of the main secrets of changes and
progression. It's the humility and the self accountability. And woman
needs to get out of that victim chair. And this is the real
empowerment, this is real strong woman, when they are able to sit
back get out of this victim chair and say, Okay, actually, there are
certain things I can do. I can relearn. And I can like change
within me to better like, even like just sharing just the sisters
corner you on your own angle and every single sisters here. Or even
the watchers, like they can change your perspective by accepting the
need to relearn things. Yeah, it takes a lot of humility. It does.
It does. mursaleen you're in.
Hi. Hi. So my, to answer your question, I wouldn't really say
that the Muslims or Islam rising, but rather shoehorning the
feminist narrative into Islam. So because there's nothing Islamic
about it, there's nothing to Islam the size, you know about the
feminist narrative. And
I think Muslims have gradually normalized
it this narrative, they've normalized, this degeneracy that's
happening in our society today. And it rings very true to the
Hadith of the Prophet, slice alum where he mentions that the
Muslims, the people of Israel, Omar going to be
following the Christians and Jews into the hole of a lizard, like
doing whatever they're doing the doing whatever the golfers are
doing, like mimicking them so much, that they won't even know
they won't even realize that they're following them into the
hole of a lizard. And I think that's also how shaitan works. He
gradually very slowly desensitizes and normalizes what is haram and
what is you know, innovation and now we have this like mixture of
like, what is definitely not Islam that Muslims are perpetuating and
using,
like the feminist narrative, like no, no, go deep hog. I would say
you pug I'd say you probably want examples made. Okay, so this
mursaleen Can I give you and I want to give everyone who has
something, a chance to share something you've heard or seen
online that fits this description, Islam being shoehorned into the
feminist narrative, for example, go ahead. Okay. So this idea of
divorce, right, where women and women have sort of found a way to
find loopholes to just divorce their husbands or like to ask for
a hula
and
the reasons that are given for Cola or even like, the ways that
they are attaining a hula is extremely problematic because if
you if you want the true like fit
To have Islam it's it's a woman cannot divorce her husband, only a
husband can divorce her, his wife. And so today we have women who
want to leave their husbands going to like some random ie mom, and
asking him to just break the marriage without any consent or
any discussion. And I think
majority of women like to use the extreme examples that all like,
you know, she was really abused. But I see many examples of women
just divorcing their husbands because they feel like it. They
just don't want to deal with the hardships of their marriage that
aren't really hardships. They think they can better.
Excuse me. They think they can do better. Yeah, they think they can
do better. Or, you know, like, they're not happy financially or
whatever reason there is. It's not not expectations. Yeah, it's not
meeting her expectations. It's not meeting her expectations. Yeah.
And so this, so I see a lot of Muslims doing like fatwa shopping,
or like, they'll shop for any mom that lives like, you know,
convenient for their situation. And that's just very, like, I
mean, if you think about it, there's so many differences of
opinions. But is that really Islamic? Like? Why is it possible
for somebody to go out and like, look for what
fits their desires, like look, look for a solution that only fits
their desires, and not what's right in the eyes of in the sight
of Allah.
So an example is just this this divorce and marriages, this family
court system, that is like extremely broken. Okay. All right,
who else has got an example of something that they've seen? I'd
like to add to this when I met that woman today, they're getting
married Islamic way. They want everything, all the rights and
more, and they're getting divorced or far away. They want to take
everything that the Western government, let them take, they
will just take it.
You know, even if they got hola they have to give back to my head.
And they don't even consider that. How are they taking anything? I
don't get it. How is that happening?
System? Yeah. Oh, I see over. They take child support. They take half
of whatever he has. And this is deaf. Wow. Yeah. So Pamela, I
didn't know I wasn't aware that that was happening. I wasn't aware
that that was happening. Wow. Okay, go ahead. Anybody else got
an example? Go ahead. So
to answer your question, Sister Naima, I blame the simple Imams,
the Compassionate Imams that they are just, they think that they can
bring more youth to the to the deen by just watering down the
religion and saying, yes, Islam is just that feminism. promessa was
the most feminist person and they just want to bring they think
they're going to bring more people to Islam by just
compromising.
What they need to do is they need to be Imams, they need to be
leaders, and they need to lead by the by the religion of Islam, you
know?
Yeah. Yeah, that's, that's 100% I think if we want to summarize the
whole question into one part who allowed this to happen? I would
definitely say it is the the scholars, especially in the West,
because they represent us, and they are highly influenced by the
surroundings. And I would say it is then who are sugarcoating Islam
and trying to take I mean, how many times have you heard a
scholar say Islam as the most feminist religion? I'm like, no,
no, like, first of all.
First of all, they're giving credit to feminism for something
that Islam already gave us long ago. That's number one. Number
two, there are many things to do with feminism that directly
contradict Islam. And it's just not it's not just feminism, right?
It's adopting Western traditions and values, and sort of taking
Islam and defining it by Western terms. That's what they're doing.
And really, Islam is perfect in of itself. We don't need the West to
kind of define Islam for us. We know what Islam is. Right? And I
think that's the that's the main problem. We have allowed
out first of all, the representatives of the some of the
scholars in the west, to come and say these type of things and come
and say it's all right, you know, for example, you know what it is?
They've made a marriage seem like it's the most unnecessary thing,
particularly in the West, just like a western society has made
marriage a very unnecessary thing and that's how you know you
have degeneracy and you know casual hookups and things like
that spread like wildfire, because people have been told you really
don't need, you know, you don't need marriage and all the hardship
and commitment that comes with, you know. And so
in the same way from the, from the Islamic perspective and what you
see in the Muslim community, it's not all just go and get a hookup
No, they've changed our, our ideas and our goals and purpose in life,
to a capitalistic one, where it's like, no, you need to focus on
going to school, getting an education, getting a job, a
career, everything of monetary value. And generally that's what
society has done to us humans, where our value used to be and how
righteous we are in Islam. That's basically what it is, you know,
today, it's in how much money you can make or what type of, you
know, status that you have in society. The Muslims have also
adopted that, you know, and because of that, we're allowing
all of the degeneracy that it comes with to infiltrate our
communities, we are busy telling them that certain aspects
marriage, for example, is very important part of, of Islam in the
Hadith, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa salam says that it is
half of your deen. But now it seemed like something you can just
you can just do it later on in life, you know, for focus on your
career, that is the most important thing in your life. And then you
have to think of, you know, you have to think, as a Muslim. What
is Allah really going to ask you about? You know, people don't I
mean, how many how many times do you hear I mean, it's ingrained
from high school. You know, how many times you hear oh, no, I'm
not fasting, this Ramadan, I have exams. So from you are young, you
are being trained to compromise your Deen in order to go, you
know, for the world the pursuit, and then you go into college, you
take a loan, that's Riba. But who cares? Because you have to have
some some social status some money, because that's what society
assigns value to SubhanAllah. And so definitely the representatives
of Islam, the scholars of Islam, sugarcoating, you know, for
example, you can't speak about the Euro today, a scholar cannot speak
about leader today, because society will say you're a
possessive, insecure, man, if you have beta, you know, and scholars,
Where are the scholars who are busy saying, No, Muslim men don't
listen to that, you have to have a Euro, you don't be a day youth,
you won't enter Jannah if you're the youth, Where are the scholars
who are saying that, they're not saying that because number one,
they're scared of the West, they're scared of being shut down.
You know, and, and that fear is gets passed down to the people who
look up to these colors. If we didn't have that fear, even the
West would be afraid to impose it on us. But when the West put
restrictions on us, and because of that fear, we sit down and we we
conform to that, right? Then what happens, it just gets worse and
worse and worse. And they control us more and more. But if we took a
stand, and we made it clear to the west, these are our values, we're
going to stand by these values, there's nothing you can do about
it. The West would have respected that.
I just want to jump in and share some of the comments from the chat
and then look man, you're up next inshallah. So sis says what I've
seen is some Muslim women delaying marriage because they want a PhD
or wants a good job. While that will do very little to help them
in the akhira. She says hamdulillah she doesn't feel that
way. And also I know of some teenage Muslim girls who have
boyfriends and I think it might be a lack of education of the deen.
Despite attending an Islamic school, the most necessary topics
that these young women need to hear and learn aren't being taught
really well. I'm not buying what say you.
To answer the previous question about them. My my, what I've
noticed and observed of feminism within Islam, is that question I'm
answering.
Yes. Okay, so I've noticed many things, but two came to my head
immediately. And the first one is an example is the issue of
traveling without a motorhome. So today, you'll see all of these
sort of like Muslim women retreats, where women are
traveling overseas, and they're spending, you know, 1000s are
going on a plane without any husband or mom or anything and
they're just, you know, they're their sisters and them are just
walking the nights and some city life thing and they're just trying
to do some soul searching, finding myself again and women
empowerment. But that has nothing to do with Islam. You know, they
think they're going on some kind of spiritual retreats and find
their souls and to get closer to Allah but they're actually just
doing the exact opposite because the only way to get closer to
Allah is through obedience to Allah and His deen and women are
just clearly not allowed if you've read the Hadith you're not allowed
to travel without a maharam. You know, I forgot exactly the the
limitation but especially not like overseas on a plane and like, you
know, in the middle of the night, you're just going out some city
life and going to some restaurants. That's definitely not
allowed.
In Islam, and the second thing that I've noticed, that, um,
feminism seeping into the Muslim community is that Islam really
emphasizes that a wife has to obey her husband. And so if your
husband tells you to do something, you have to comply to him. And you
have to respect him, and you have to do what he asked you to do. And
the similar sense that a child must obey the mom. And Allah says
in the Quran that you can't even say off to your mother, if your
mother asked you to do something, you can't even say us. And women
and wives are supposed to respect their husband in a similar way,
the same way that men are supposed to respect the Imam, the police,
you know, the Hadith say that, even if you know, he strikes your
back and protect your wealth, you have to still obey Him. So
similarly, even if your husband, you know, does, it's not the man
you want him to be, you still have to obey Him. And that's obedience
to Allah to obey your husband, even if you don't necessarily
agree with saying, So I noticed today that if women you know, if
you talk about obeying your husband, society is going to try
to make it seem like that's a controlling act, and a man should
not be like that, and should not tell his wife what to do. But I
disagree that Islam is not does not say that. Islam says that men
should be men, and that they have a right to tell their woman what
to do. And they are the women are underneath their control and
underneath their maintenance and jurisdiction. So those are the two
things that I've talked about.
Does that feel okay? And that's a lot.
You said a lot right there. Okay. So I've got I've got, there's not
pushback. But I have a challenge for you guys. Right? Because I
hear exactly what you're saying about like keeping it real, and
not skimping and not trying to sugarcoat at cetera, I get it.
What would you say to your children or to your younger
sister, right? Because I know for some people, for some people, what
you're saying is like, yeah, that's on point. That's Dean. For
other people. It just,
it just sounds crazy. It sounds awful. It sounds like Well, why
would I sign up for that?
How do you deal with that, then I would just say, you know, this is
the dunya. Dunya is not supposed to be a place of leisure and font
and all that stuff. I mean, that's, that's what the dunya is,
but that's for the dunya for someone for a customer mentality.
This dunya for a true believer for a Muslim is striving. It's
sacrifice. It's, it's it's a test. It's trials. So yeah, maybe you're
not gonna have as much fun as you could have if you were not obeying
Allah, but this life is about obedience. So you got to choose,
do you want to obey Allah? Do you love Allah enough to obey him and
want to obey Him, and to make those sacrifices and she's put in
that work. And so also just don't, don't read the stories of the
Sahaba go through the stories of their wives and how much sacrifice
they went through and what they did. And in comparison, if you
look at society today, and you look at who your role models are
supposed to be, you feel ashamed, you don't want to you want to be
like the prophets, you want to be like the Sahaba, you want to be
like their wives. So I would just say,
pick who your role models are, and read about them and study the
team, and don't care about what society says, Can I just add to my
own look, mine is saying, Yes, please. I feel like this all
starts at a much more fundamental level.
As in, it starts really when we're being brought up by our parents.
And I feel like with the older generation, because of the
struggles that they went through, basically, goals for us as
children was for us to get educated and for us to become
independent, to have our own jobs and not to have to rely on anybody
or struggle in the way that they did. And I think that this really,
perhaps damages us on a subconscious level, especially as
women. And I know that I definitely feel like it affected
me in that, obviously, my fitrah as a woman is to be a certain way.
So I have all these qualities, like nurturing and looking after
and taking care and being loving, but then the pursuit of life, that
is the path that I take because of the way that you know, my parents
wanted me to take Hamdulillah I took that path. It was governor of
a law but I just feel like I went through the education system, I
got a degree I got a job I started working, I became very
independent. I didn't really experience a man I didn't feel the
need for a man to look after me. And so I despite my fear of being
that of a woman, I became tainted with all these masculine traits
and I say tainted because I do feel that it does taint the female
personality. And then by the time I got married, I did want to get
married, you know, just for companionship, but then, slowly I
started realizing that actually, there's traits inside of me, that
needed changing because they weren't working with my husband.
So where he needed me to be not I don't know if I agree with this
notion of
operating in one's masculine operating in one's feminine, and
switching off and switching between on. I just feel like it
affects things in different ways. So for example, if I was working,
and then I feel like people say, if you're at work, you're
operating in your masculine, when you come home, you switch off,
operate in your feminine, and then you know, you will have the
balance. But then I just think there's also this other issue of
if I, well, if I'm working, then that brings other issues, because
then I think, well, you know, if, say, for example, if something
happened, it would be like, Well, hold on, I can earn my own money,
I don't do I need you to really be earning the money. And where Islam
basically placed the man as a protector and the provider for a
woman, I don't think it's as easy as saying, as sometimes, you know,
the woman can operate in her masculine, and sometimes she can
operate in her feminine. So when you're at work, you're bringing
your masculine, and when you're at home with your husband operating
your feminine, I think it's very difficult to just operate, it's
very easy to say that, but to actually practically do it, I just
I don't think it's that easy. And also, I think these kinds of
things also bring like a power struggle in a relationship, where
the woman may feel like, I can do everything for myself, and I've
done everything till now for myself, and do I really need you,
and I feel like this is contributing to maybe marriages
being less long lived as previously they were because
previously, you know, without a doubt, the woman needed the man
more because she was literally relying on him to provide for her,
whereas now the woman can get it all herself. And I think that re
education needs to happen to maybe the older generation as well, as
well as the upcoming generation so that we don't instill these kind
of values into our children. Because otherwise, it's just, it's
just gonna be a vicious circle. And it's really important for
sisters to in their marriages to realize when you have, like, if
you have masculine traits to realize them, because for sure, I
mean, I'm gonna talk about myself, because I can only take myself to
account but there was definitely times when I feel like
it's things like at the start of the marriage, when like a being my
husband, where, you know, for maybe 26 years of my life
previously, that was when I had got married, I hadn't had to
answer to anyone, and I'm a husband saying, Well, no, if
you're going out and about, I need to know about it, I want you to do
this, I don't want you to do that. And you do feel kind of something
inside, you're like, Oh, really like why. And obviously, that's
not how we as Muslim women should be we believe that we have to obey
our husbands.
But I think it's, despite us knowing though, that that our
characters and our personalities become tainted with these
masculine traits, like ego and arrogance, that we need to check
to make sure that our homes are healthy, because
I don't think our homes can flourish. That's not the case. So
Pamela Marie, I just want to thank you for for sharing that. Because
a lot of people have actually said that, that really resonates with
their experience. Now, we don't have long ladies, because the next
speaker is starting in seven minutes. But what I want to let's,
let's hone in on that, you know, some solutions, obviously, as I
said, in the previous session, Gen X parents, our kids are coming
into adulthood now, there's work that we can do, okay? There's
obviously the next generation who are going to be having families or
have young children now, they can make a difference, okay, to the
next generation. And obviously speaking to the young people who
are the Gen Z's and stuff like that, you know, having these
conversations is really important. But I do think, again, what is
coming out from everybody is for men to learn how to or relearn how
boys to learn how to be men, and girls to learn how to be women in
the Islamic sense, right? So we're understanding our roles as Muslim
men and women. And we are learning how to do that. And for some of
you, you are educated, it's done now, like you can't undo that, you
know, you may have a fantastic career, you can't undo that you've
had the programming, you can't undo it. But you can unlearn
certain concepts that help you to see things differently. And you
can you can control your behavior, right, you can control your own
behavior, you can actually change the way that you operate like you
did. Maria within the marriage, right? You can change that you
don't have to live according to that blueprint. According to how
you were programmed, many people are on here. Sister soul said
three weeks ago, she didn't know this stuff. Your people's minds
can shift their minds can change, their mindsets can change. So I
think it's important to continue having these conversations,
engaging people in conversation and giving people that permission
to to ask the questions. Right and and helping young people to
understand that everything that you see out there that's that's
not quite it. There is another perspective and this is an Islamic
perspective, and this is what it looks like and this is something
you will want to think about and
Maybe think about it now rather than when you're 35. Because by
then it may be, you may be down a particular road that's not taking
you to where you want to go. Let me have a Mursaleen. And then what
I did Sharla before we have to wrap up the evening love.
Okay, thank you, sister nema. I just wanted to add, that there's,
there's sometimes we look at the situation. And we think that the
solution is so simple, like, oh, men need to be better at being men
and women need to be better at being women, but there's so many
variables, and one of the issues that I see is the exponential
growth of technology and the access to technology, and how we
are living far more comfortably than we did before. Like, we have
everything at our fingertips, you know, like, it's, it's, um, it's
hard to describe it, because it's such a grand
issue. But the main culprit, I believe, is rebar. And I believe
that especially in the West, it's more prevalent, you can see it,
but it's, it's like a massive Ponzi scheme that we're living in
and like the, the growth of technology, right, and then the,
the way that this technology creates new jobs, the way that
this technology creates, like all of these different
categories of degeneracy, like we have the film industries, and then
we have like all of these
education systems, we have, like new career paths, like this whole
idea that you are like the marketing director of like some
random tech company like that wouldn't have existed without this
crazy growth of technology that came out of this. That came out of
Ribba. And that's why a lot of women today are able to even, you
know, say that they want to work because
they, they're comfortable.
That, yeah, there's so much at their disposal. It's like they're
not doing like women were not working back when most jobs were
very lazy, labor intensive, like now a woman can work as like a
cashier, you know, that's like, five minutes away from her house,
or she can even work from home, right? So when I was living in New
York, I live in West Virginia now, but I was living in New York, and
I was working at this healthcare organization as a tech, I was an
IT department, and I was working nine to five. And
that was my life, I was living on my own. And I was, you know,
taking the train to work taking the train back. And I always felt
inside that like, even if you want to live a life that's Islamic, I
don't think it's possible because of the bubble that we're in. And
the Gen Z kids are already it's like, even if they have even if we
think that we can't undo the education, even if they don't get
an education, they're born into this bubble. And I think the main
issue is technology and having too much access to technology,
especially when it comes to children. So I just wanted to add
that and we'll come on, we were very careful about what we expose
the children to, especially when it comes to technology. And that
might be a solution or a part of a solution. 100% Butter coffee. I
remember him and then what and then sorry, guys, we have to we
have to wrap up. Yes, I wanted to answer your last question about
what I would advise my daughters.
Yeah, you know, I
am a homeschooling mom and my daughter's are 15 and 13 right
now. And I always tell them that what you need to do is you need to
go back to the basics like why are we here you need we need to just
think about having Taqwa. We are not here to live a lavish life, we
are here to
prepare to pack as much good deeds as we can in this in this small
period of time that we have. And
and the best way to do that is to prepare ourselves to be a good
wife and a good mother.
And add something just before we wrap up. The fact that if we
encourage our daughters to the true fundamentalist right that
they have not the right that feminists are trying to develop,
but the fundamentalist right to be defended to be provided to be
treated like queens. There is no woman that will say like, I don't
want to be a queen, I don't want to be loved. And I and I will
operate my daughter's look for a man with good skills as much as
you look for studies and a career.
Look, focus on the main thing that you look for, what is it that you
need in the men that acquired all the qualities, a lot more than
what you're looking for, because this is the best investment that
you're going to do in your life. That's why I say to my own
daughters, sister, so what I actually tell my daughters is that
you need to see what a man wants, and what a Muslim man needs. And
you need to put those qualities now, that can that can be right, I
tell them that you need to know what is his rice upon your neck,
because that is what Allah is going to ask him and what our
daughters need as well, because that's the message we had when
we're younger, that was detrimental. It needs to go away.
Yeah, you know what I do agree, I do agree. And just to quickly wrap
up, it can go both ways. That's why when we raising our children,
we raised them, both the men and women with within their fitrah.
And you will see they will attract the right person. For them. A good
man who has a leader is not going to go for a woman who does a
beverage, you know, so that's why it goes it goes both ways. And I
think that's really the the essence is to raise our children
upon the fitrah because they themselves are going to go out
into the society and if their filter is intact, they will see it
for themselves. And we have all seen it when we got in touch with
our Petra every single one of us he has upon Allah, we have seen
it, we went up there and we realized what was wrong with
society. And I think that's the greatest thing we can do for our
children, as well as to for us to be the correct example for them.
If they see problems within our marriages, and within our
relationships within our with our husbands, you think they're going
to go and they're going to see a good idea about that. No. So for
us to be the good a good example for us to take accountability of
ourselves.
And then for us to teach them the right way and to make sure that
their filter is maintained so that even when they go out into the
society, they will pull themselves they will be able to differentiate
between the wrong and the right. And so thank you all for being
here. Thank you so much sister NEMA for for having us here. Does
that come a little higher and that's the sisters corner guys on
Instagram and anywhere else.
You can find us on YouTube and on telegram just search the sisters
corner official does that hello hello and thank you so much
sisters Salaam Alaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh
got two okay and the stream continues people the stream
continues and we will be going for the rest of the night basically
inshallah thank you so much sisters as salam Wa alaykum lovely
to have you on board may Allah bless you all in your marriages if
you're married, and if you're not married, may Allah subhanaw taala
give you a spouse who is the coolness of your eyes in sha Allah
Allah
Allah Hamdulillah this is really really great because I've seen in
the in the chat mashallah the YouTube chat is is is going like
great you know, it's great guns hamdulillah VIPs lovely to have
you in here with us, masha Allah. Again, it's as I said at the
beginning, it's really
it's a journey for for for a person like me when I'm putting
together a conference like this, just the different angles that we
can come from the different aspects that we can look at, you
know, the different views that we can entertain you know, the
different thoughts or ideas that we can consider. So, super excited
to have had that conversation. I do think that that that if there
had been like a standalone podcast, it would have been a
three hour podcast because when we touched on this topic last year if
you guys remember the stream just went on forever. So I'm afraid
everybody I have to keep them more or less to an hour because we've
just got so many talks back to back you know, mashallah So
alhamdulillah on my next Our next speaker is Alia on Ryan and she
will be speaking about how reverts can get married. Those of you who
were here earlier, Masha, Allah, you were were treated to her
really thought provoking talk on
our relationship with Allah subhanaw taala being the
foundation of our marriage or marriage as being true foundation
of our marriages, and judging by the comments in the YouTube and in
the VIPs it was very, very much well received. Mashallah, so, Ali,
are you ready? Just give me a yes in the chat if you are Samaniego.
What a come Salam wa Rahmatullah that might help. Yes. Doesn't make
Hamdulillah you ready to take over? Yeah, my screen is shallow.
Okay. If you share the screen only when you need it. Because
otherwise in YouTube, they don't see you. Okay, that's fine.
Inshallah. I think you need to enable participant screensharing
Oh, do I hold on. You did not have the permission.
Wrong.
Oh
Oh you were able to do it before yeah it's not allowed now
says hostess a disabled participant screensharing MSC
okay.
Yeah, this should be okay now. Yeah good. All right, let me start
the recording give you a little intro and bombs away
the Smilla Salam Alaikum everyone welcome to the next session in the
secrets of successful marriage conference 2022 into 2023
Hamdulillah. Our next session is with Sister Alia aamra Yan, who is
the founder of solace, one of the presenters from Honest Tea talk
and author of the forthcoming book Ramadan reflections, which you
guys need to all go and preorder for pre order goodies right away,
Sister Alia Zakopane, for joining us, what again, you're going to be
talking to us about guidance for reverts who want to get married,
so please do take it away, inshallah. Okay, well, you can
sell our offer to Allah and Hamdulillah. It's great to be back
here again, and speaking about a little bit of a different topic
this afternoon. And that is as Nyima,
introduced, it's about reverse. It's about reverse, and their
journey in getting married. Now,
before I begin, and I actually have a lovely PowerPoint to share
with you, because there's going to be a lot of information. So you
know, if you haven't got a cup of hot something, then do get one
like I have because what I'm about to share is very important. It's
very detailed, and I want every single viewer to take this
information to your friends, family and community whether you
are a revert or not. So I hope that everyone can sign up to that,
an action that before the end of today in sha Allah. So, as my
introduce me, I am the co founder and CEO of a registered UK charity
called solace. And we basically deal with all the not so good
stuff that comes with or that follows, should I say,
a sister taking her shahada, and not and I'll speak about solace in
a little bit more detail later on. But as a revert myself as a revert
myself, looking back at my early years, thinking back to the
experiences of other revert friends that I've had,
the journey in getting married as a revert has its complications.
And as a charity. Unfortunately, and very, very sadly, we have come
across sisters who have approached us for support in a very, very
broken state. And the large majority, we actually looked at
the data and it's about 80% of our cases. The reason for them coming
to us broken almost on the verge of actually leaving Islam is as a
result of the marriages or the process of getting married.
And I don't know how else to say this, but the pure ugliness that
they have experienced. So we as a charity, we acknowledge that we
looked at their needs, we looked at what needs to change so that we
are not just on the receiving end of broken souls, but rather, we
develop something that will prevent that from happening. So
I'm very, very excited to present that to you. I'm just going to
share my screen. Nightmare. Can you just tell me if everyone can
see that, please?
All good. Fantastic. So
a story. I'm going to take you back to
2011. Now solace.
Solace launched its services solace began operating as an
organization initially in January 2011. And we became a registered
charity.
About a year later. Now, right at the beginning, I actually remember
one of the first cases that we received, and it was of a reverse
sister who had been Muslim, a few weeks, so she was very, very new
to the deen. And here she was a very new Muslim contacting
us at solace for support. And to this day, and we've had 1000s and
1000s of applications, and we've supported 1000s of sisters. And
although we're a UK, registered charity, we provide our one to one
support service for sisters internationally as well. But I
remembered this particular story. And maybe it's because maybe
partly because it was one of the first, but also, I just thought,
This is why I set up solace. This is why solace had to become a
reality. So this sister a few weeks after taking her shahada
got married.
And
after the new car had been conducted, after the wedding
contracts had been conducted,
she was taken to an industrial site, where her husband asked her
to consummate the marriage.
Now, I actually have to stop the screen because I realized that you
can't see me this is a very, very important story. Let me just stop
the screen share. Now, I want you to imagine this,
a wedding contract, a wedding contract, that is a contract
between the wife, the husband and a lot as origin is conducted. And
then this very new revert sister is taken by her husband, okay, to
an industrial site, where he asked her to consummate the marriage.
And there were lots and lots of reasons behind that. But I don't
want to go into detail to protect to protect your sister's identity.
Now, this story really struck a chord with me, particularly,
because I just thought, I can only imagine the excitement, the zeal,
the passion that this new river sister had,
in taking her shahada, the fact that she, you know, now entered
the beautiful fold of Islam and then to perhaps come across a
brother or be suggested a good brother from a good community who
was Masha Allah practicing only for her dreams to be completely
shattered. And not only were her marital dreams shattered by this
experience, but because she was so new and so fresh in her faith in
her Deen. This had a negative effect on her faith and almost
Subhan Allah
almost contributed towards her leaving her Deen.
Now, this is one this is one of many this is a story of a new
river as I have to mention that Solace is not just for the very,
very new Muslims. Solace is for all river sisters in difficulty.
Regardless of how long they've been Muslim two weeks or 20 years,
we don't mind because we recognize that the issues and the
difficulties that revert sisters encounter can sometimes and often
actually manifest years down the line.
Now
we have countless countless sisters, countless sisters coming
to us with
doubts in their faith with psychological problems and sisters
very, very sadly, who have been victims of domestic violence. And
the common trend, the common factor behind all of this is that
these sisters, the sisters have entered into these marriages
without the proper support behind them. Now I'm not saying that
every reverse sister enters into a negative marriage or every sister
marries an abusive husband. No, not at all. There are many, many
reverse sisters mashallah who go on to lead very, very
fulfilling marriages, happy marriages, and we ask Allah azza
wa jal to bless all of us with that, I mean,
but the sad reality is that reverse sisters within the Muslim
community are one of the most vulnerable
parts of the community because they do not have that family
backing behind them. So what what has Sollis done, what have we done
to counter this? Let me bring back the PowerPoint.
So before I start on that, actually, so as I mentioned, we
help reverse sisters in difficulty and support them beyond the
Shahada. We are a registered charity and we have been around
for 12 years and Hamdulillah we have a range of services, the
service that I'm going to be speaking about today
is related to marriage, as you'll come to know in Sharla. But we
have the one to one support service where a reverse sister who
is currently going through difficulties is assigned a trained
support worker who provides her with a person centered
support plan and supports her as she moves through it. We have a
will writing service for reverse Sisters, we support single mothers
and many more other things, business support,
training that there's that there are lots of things that we do and
handler but you can go to the website to find out more.
But obviously, today, this you know, I'm delivering this in
relation to the topic, which is secrets of a successful marriage.
So what does that mean for Riva sister Well, as I kind of shared a
story with you to,
to portray what the problem is. But let me go into a little bit
more detail about that. So upon taking their shahada, many reverse
sisters in the community and this has this has been this has been
taking place for years. I mean, I've been Muslim 23 years I know
Naima has been Muslim, 25 years and nine mm, I'm not sure. If you
know, if you go right back to the beginning, you'll probably
remember that, you know, it's almost as though as soon as you
take your shahada, there are brothers, you know, brothers and
sisters that immediately say, to come up, you know, it's time to
get married, you know, literally sometimes on the day taking the
shahada sometimes, you know, within days, weeks, but they're
certainly and things have not changed. Unfortunately, things
have not changed. The sister is new to her faith, she's she's new,
she needs to be protected. She needs to be educated, she needs to
be guided supported, that foundation of faith needs to be
established way before she invites someone into her life, you know,
marriage, in and of itself has its challenges but to to go into a
marriage immediately upon taking your faith having transitioned
from one identity into another and the challenges that come with that
I mean, as a marriage to that it's it's it's a problem. So
unfortunately many sisters many reports he says I'm sure the
community Masha Allah are very sincere they they want the sister
to have this kind of Muslim family and her own Muslim family will
start with a marriage. But as I mentioned, she needs that time to
establish her faith, her relationship with Allah azza wa
jal before entering a marriage. Another problem is that a large
number of remote sisters in fact, I would say the vast majority do
not have a Muslim father, or a Muslim family to act on their
behalf throughout the Islamic marriage process. Our dean is
absolutely perfect. Our dean is perfect. And we you know, we know
that a a woman, you know, is accompanied throughout the process
throughout the marriage process by her lead, she is supported by her
her Willie. And unfortunately for the vast majority of reverse
sisters, they don't have that Muslim father to take on that
role, they do not have the Muslim family to you know, to do the
checks to sit with the family of the of the prospective pout
spouse. So, this is also very problematic, it means that the
Revert sister has to take on that role herself, she needs to do the
checks or she enlists the help of the community or a local Imam, but
unfortunately, and we've seen this at solace, time and time again,
that the Imam is is just overwhelmed and stretched with the
number of Riva sisters under his wing. And so the job that he does,
is is unfortunately done with you know, the leftovers of his time.
Which means that it's not as thorough as a Muslim father would
do.
Many reverse sisters do not have the knowledge and write support
upon coming into Islam.
So what does this led to? It's led to very sadly, many river sisters
falling prey to predatory behavior from some Muslim men in the
community.
So Subhan Allah, I, I do not I have so many stories and this this
is actually sad that I actually have so many stories that I'm
struggling to choose which one to share with you.
And that actually really upsets me really, really does upset me.
There was a sister, who was obviously promised the world who
thought that she was marrying a practicing brother
who in fact, members of the masjid that this brother attended vouch
for his character and his deen and his faith and so on?
Only to
only to marry this brother or stuff what Allah and for him to
pronounce divorce upon her a few days later. Now you tell me and
actually I would like to ask this question to the VIP room members
as well as the YouTube community. Now this can happen with anyone
Yes, but would this would this brother, would this brother dare
to do such a thing? If there was a Muslim father behind that sister
if there was an entire Muslim family brothers, uncles, cousins,
father or grandfather behind that sister? Would they do this is
actual question I would like you to answer please.
They think twice so I can see that in the VIP room. They would think
twice. They certainly would
probably know
Nyima anyone from YouTube.
It takes a few seconds for them to hear you. Sorry, there's a delay.
No problem.
But no, you won't
know because yeah, no, because the family would protect the woman. I
can see that in the VIP room.
Someone is yes, I lift it says it's possible to say no, who would
not?
Okay, thank you.
So
going back, we are tired at solace. Not tired of supporting
our sisters we will never be isn't Ellerbee be tired.
We are tired of our sisters falling prey to this type of
predatory behavior. We are tired of it.
It's led to the appointment of a Willie. So a male guardian, which
replaces the role that her father should have been Muslim would that
we would that he would have taken.
Who has no time to vet the brother, as would normally be
conducted by Muslim Father and to be honest with you, if you think
about it quite logically.
You have this sense of investment when something is precious to you.
So when a where Lee is appointed his investment, he's not as
invested as if, you know, as he would be if it was his daughter or
his sister. Right? Particularly if the Willie is an Imam, and his you
know is you know, masha Allah aiming to support a large number
of sisters, he's not going to have the time to vet the brother that
you know, in the way that he should be vetted. It's also led to
confusion regarding the Islamic process of marriage. Oh, I
remember another system, whose Subhan Allah had met a
who had met a brother and the brother said that all she needs to
ask for her masa is one penny. And so her Maha was one penny, he
advised her, it just has to be something. So one penny and that
was her Maha. And she thought that this is what this is. This is what
Allah said, This is what Islam says this is the value that Islam
gives to the Muslim woman Subhanallah so it has led to a lot
of confusion,
a lot of kind of misrepresentation. And this
obviously creates a lot of problems.
high divorce rate amongst reverse sisters Subhanallah a very, very
high divorce rate which we hope the evening Allah will come down
should this service that we have launched really, really take off
within the community in the UK and we hope to take it worldwide in
sha Allah. It's led to unhappy and sometimes abusive marriages,
broken families and homes. You know, when we talk about
revert sisters and divorce, you know, we tend not to talk about
the children the children are witnessing their broken, depressed
unhappy mother. The children you know are
affected by the the actions of
of the Mother, the Father, the broken marriage and so on.
It's also led to feeling lonely on this search for a husband. How
many sisters have come to solace saying, I don't even know what to
do. I don't know how to do this, like I knew or I just don't know
what the process is, Should I do this? Can I do this? Should I not
do this?
And, you know, we've had many river sisters come to us and
express that they just feel unsupported and alone, you know,
they've they've approached their local masjid. And they've said,
you know, I want to get married, I just don't know where to start.
And the masjid has no time for them or, you know, so and so in
the community, you know, says yeah, I'll ask my friends or I
lost my husband to ask his friends and, and then they forgotten. So,
as you can see here, my dear brothers and sisters, the problems
lead to further problems. And so what have we done as a team and
this has actually been an idea for many, many years, but Allah azza
wa jal knew that certain new members of staff had to come on
board at solace, Masha, Allah, may Allah bless them to finally bring
this to reality. And I am very pleased to present to you the
solace in marriage solution, the solace in marriage service, which
is a holistic service for Riva sisters and brothers who may want
to marry them.
So the
the five stages of the surface now before I go into this, because
it's going to be a lot of detail.
Can I just check that everyone is still with me, I always I like I
like anything I talk about, like, I like it to be interactive, I
very much feed off the audience. So I just want to make sure that
everyone is good, so everyone is fine. And you're all hearing what
I'm saying.
VIP room? Yep, handling that and handling that.
Everyone's good on YouTube. Hamdulillah. Okay, so it's a five
stage service stage one is the pre Marriage Course, where we aim to
educate. Stage two is the matching stage where we look at
compatibility. Stage three is the willie panel, where we vet, the
potential spouse, stage four is the Nikkor walima. And that's all
about inclusion, and I'll explain what that is shortly. Insha Allah
and stage five is in marriage support, and we want to work
towards helping the couple to sustain but isn't it Allah the
love connection and mercy that they started their marriage with?
So how does it work? So you apply via the website, Solace uk.org
forward slash marriage, I believe the link will be put up in the
description. Later on, inshallah you apply via the website. So both
the Revert sister and the brother applies via the website, they
complete an a pre application
form, and then those applications are vetted. Now, throughout this
process, we have some automated parts of the solace in marriage
service. But what I love about the way in which the team has designed
this service is that there is a there is a human eye at every
stage. So it's not enough that you know, your kind of
map, you know, there's an automated match or you know,
you're it's just a ticking box exercise, no, at every stage,
there is a human eye looking out for any red flags because
remember, we are a charity for revert Sisters, we want to
safeguard you, we want to protect you, we want to support you, we
want to educate you. So applications that come in are
vetted and successful applicants move on to the next stage. And the
next stage is that both the brothers and the sisters attend a
five day pre marriage course they must this is compulsory, they must
attend this course in order to move on to the next stage, which
is the matching parts. So they have to completely like they have
to complete successfully. The full five day course is delivered by an
experienced facilitator. And there are a it's very interactive, the
there's an array of of topics that will be covered. And it's not you
know, it's not your kind of
Traditional pre Marriage Course it's kind of textbook and these
are the rights of the husband. And these are the rights of the wife.
And you can do this and you can't do this no, this is very much
it's, it's a course, that is healing. It's a course that forces
with love with compassion forces the participants to really look
within themselves, and to really attach everything they're learning
to their relationship with Allah subhanaw taala. So through this,
the the participants are given an an in depth understanding of what
marriage means, yes, the rights and responsibilities are looked
at. But they're also provided with skills to reflect, to heal, and to
recognize whether they are ready for marriage, and what it takes to
sustain a healthy marriage. So the brothers will be completing the
course with a male facilitator, the sisters will be completing a
course with a female facilitator. And then once they have
successfully completed the course, they move on to stage two. And
that's where now with two with the with the brother and the sister
have been completed this intense and yet
beautiful course in the law,
they are now ready to be matched. But they go into this matching
stage, knowing that the only people that they will they may be
matched with have gone through the same course that they have. So
they know that they are they've gone through the application stage
and the application stage is quite thorough, they've gone through the
you know, the application stage has been checked, they have
attended the five day course. So they know that, you know, the
people that are that have now entered the actual marriage
database are, you know, people that you know, are people that are
serious people that have educated themselves people that have
reflective people that have you not taken steps to to, you know,
to be ready for this stage? So, they complete both the brothers
and the sisters complete a matching questionnaire designed to
answer what are you looking for in a marriage? And what are you
looking for in a spouse.
And
after this application, they're entered into the database, and you
know, the brother, the sister, they're matched based on their
criteria.
And then participants are provided with profiles of the match.
successfully matched individuals then go on to the next stage, if
there are no matches, then participants are given the option
to wait for the next round. And there are a number of rounds that
they can be offered.
So what happens then, once you're matched with someone? Well, what
happens is, and this is for me, for me, the highlight of this
service, because this is where most marriages or rather, let me
correct myself, this is where most revert sisters encounter problems,
it's at this stage, so someone is perhaps presented to them, but
they don't they don't have the Muslim Finally, they don't have
the Muslim backing, to do all the work necessary to ensure that this
is actually someone suitable to marry. So we have a Willie panel.
So rather than one person and obviously during the actual Nikkor
contracts, you know, there'll be one you know, one man acting as
Willie for the sister, but in terms of the actual vetting
and meetings and so on. What solace has done is we have created
a panel which consists of a mixture of sisters and brothers,
who are acting as the sisters, Father, family, throughout the
process of vetting and checking and so on.
Now, this panel have has been selected very, very carefully by
the team. They have an in depth understanding of marriage in the
Quran and Sunnah they have
Yeah, I would say an in depth definitely an in depth
understanding of the challenges that a reverse sister
will encounter in her life. They have the tools to assess the
brother as well as the sister now let's let's be clear here this
process although yes, we are a charity for Riva sisters. We also
recognize that sisters can be be the problem as well. So the willie
panel is also not only vetting the brother, but also
pointing out anything that the sister may need to work on, and
may need to consider, as she continues to,
you know, go through this, this journey of finding a spouse. So
that when the panel will be interviewing the, the, you know,
the brother and the sister, there'll be tasked with
evaluations, there'll be scheduling meetings, there'll be
assessing suitability, they will be doing all the checks, the
vetting, reviewing references, and they will be present and
facilitate meetings of the individuals, ensuring that
everyone in particular the river system, but certainly everyone is
safe and supported and protected throughout the journey. So no
longer is the sister alone. No longer is a sister frustrated,
because, you know, the local Imam doesn't have time, the longer is a
sister, even though I'm asking, I'm wondering, where on earth am I
gonna get away from, we have an entire panel, a panel that is
standing behind the sister wanting her to enter into a healthy
marriage, that will bring her much fulfillment and will aid her in
her pursuit to return her soul back to Allah in its best possible
state.
So then,
sorry, let me go back.
Let's say that the sister starts meeting having meetings and she
doesn't, you know, she doesn't or the brother doesn't want to
continue, then she goes back to her previous match to the next
brother. And then the process continues.
But we're hoping we're hoping with the fact that
the matching questioner is actually very, very thorough, and
the fact that they attended the pre Marriage Course, and with the
support from the willie panel, aspects of the solace in marriage
service, that the evening law,
we'll find some brothers and sisters who actually want to take
the next step, and that stage four of the service, and that is, you
know, the actual Nikka and walima, with solace, support for non
Muslim family and friends. Now, this, this stage,
may not be required by some participants, they may, they may
feel that they want to opt out from stage three, they've, you
know, they have found their spouse, they're happy or handler,
they want to get married. And they, you know, they'll, they'll
do all the preparation themselves. But what we also recognize and
see, this is the thing, solace Alhamdulillah started off with
myself, and I'm a revert. So I understand the challenges and
needs I've experienced that myself. But most of the solace
team are in fact, reverse. So when we were planning this service, we
we've planned it from, you know, from knowledge from experience,
from an understanding from a place of compassion, because we because
the majority of the team are reverse. So what we recognize is
that there have been revert sisters who have gotten married
without their non Muslim family present, because they were told
that their non Muslim family shouldn't be there. We've had
revert sisters who have had their non Muslim family and friends
present, and there was no preparation at all. And
subhanAllah have to stop the slide. I remember attending the
wedding of a revert friend, and her non Muslim family were there
and I was actually just choked up by the fact that they were there,
you know, this was this was going back years ago.
And I remember the NiCad, the Imam starting and it was in Arabic.
And the Arabic went on and on and on.
And then there was a very, very short
summary slash translation, if you can call it that, of, you know,
the kind of hutzpah that he gave before before the contract. And
and suddenly, before the family knew it, the sister was married.
And I remember looking at the faces of the members of this
sisters family, and my heart I like I think my toes curled my
heart
just felt so tight and constricted because I just thought, why is it
that no one explained to them the process beforehand, they just
looked horrified. They couldn't believe that this was it. No one
had explained the how Anika is conducted
What's done, you know who's involved, they were in another
room, you know, the, you know, the husband was in another room, the
man was in another room and either, you know, there was no
preparation, there was no education. So what we've done is
we have
provided another service within the solace in marriage service.
And that is that we will provide support for non Muslim family and
friends, where we will involve them in the planning of the new
Canada will Lima where we will educate them. What what a new cat
is, what a walima is, you know what happens? And because we
believe at solace, that it's very, very important to involve your non
Muslim family in your life as a Muslim, particularly when it comes
to marriage.
You know, many, many years ago, a few decades ago, you know, the
narrative was, well, they're non Muslim, so they don't need to be a
part of it, they won't understand. You don't need them. Islamically.
So don't involve them. No. At solace, we very, very much
encourage river sisters to involve their non Muslim family in the
marriage, and why not, and why not. So that's one aspect of this
stage, stage four. The other aspect is that we also recognize
that that many reverse sisters may be ostracized by their non Muslim
family, they may not have
the the privilege and honor of having their non Muslim family
present at their wedding. Again, so many river sisters that come to
us, unfortunately, no longer in touch with their non Muslim family
due to their reversion their family have cut them out of their
lives. And so we recognize that they may need support, they may
need financial support for their wedding. And so we have a
financial assistance form that river sisters can
complete so that we can celebrate their special day they can
celebrate their special day they can enjoy their special day.
Again, we don't want to hear about cases of reverse sisters marrying
in a grubby dark basement room. No, we don't want that. And so
that's why we have provided this fight kind of financial
assistance, so that she you know, she may not have her family, she
may not have the funds. But this this beautiful step that she's
about to take for the sake of her Lord, is one that she will look
back on, she'll smile, and she'll remember. And so that's why we
have also included this as part of the service.
And then the fifth stage of the service is the in marriage
support. So
insha Allah nila, the couples Edrick were educated stage one,
they were matched stage two, stage three, they got married and
perhaps had that non Muslim family support or financial support.
And then we all here
whereby we recognize that the first year of marriage is often
the hardest. It's the most challenging to imperfect people
with all of their flaws coming together. And so we have designed
a first year of marriage support package where evaluations are
conducted with a married couple at 06. At the 06 and 12 month mark,
marriage counseling is available. And it's a package that's designed
to equip the couple with tools skills and techniques to improve
their communication to maintain romance and intimacy to enable
them to deal with conflict and conflict will most definitely
occur in a healthy manner. And to continue, but if Nila by Allah's
permission, their marriage in a beautiful and healthy way for the
sake of their Lord. So this is a this is a first year of marriage.
Part of the service. Now, this service is open to all reverse
Sisters
is open to all reverse sisters, whether you've never been married
before, whether you have been married, divorced, widowed,
whether you have children don't have children, it doesn't matter.
As long as you're currently not married. It's for you. And it's
open to all brothers as well.
So let me just
wrap this up and I'm going to take some questions in sha Allah
Due to.
So applicant applications are open, and we have
a closing date of the 25th of January, this is the website, I
advise you to, you know, spend some time looking at this, this
page of the website, read through all of the information, it's all
very, very clear, very clear. Everything has been has been
included and explained
on that page, and then just take 15 minutes of your time to
complete the application. So Solace uk.org, forward slash
marriage.
And like I said, right at the beginning, I want every single
person who comes to watch this and listen to me speak, go and spread
the word about this service, this is needed. I know I went through
the problems I went through what it leads to, this is needed for
our reverse sisters in the community. So please share this
link with all reverse sisters and all brothers who are looking to
get married and actually, you know,
you know, want to be to be safeguarded to or want to be
married to someone who's gone through certain steps themselves.
So you will need this link to be shared with brothers and with
reverse sisters in sha Allah.
And that wraps it up what I have included here on the final slide
are the details of solace. do support us, support us by
volunteering support us by donating
you know, we're on you know, most of the social media sites. So
please do support our work in any way that you can. And I know that
I've gone through a lot of information. So I would like to
open the floor for questions inshallah.
Well, first and foremost, I love this quote from the YouTuber crew,
which is this is legendary Masha Allah
hamdulillahi rabbil Alameen says if you can stop sharing, that will
be good. fix myself as well. There'll be also a good thing,
right?
Firstly, there was a lot and may I also say that I'm triggered, okay.
And I feel personally attacked because I got married in the
basement
and had my walima in like, an abandoned school building, but
it's okay. hamdulillah it was it was a good 17 years marriage. I am
sorry that you were triggered. Masha, Allah Alhamdulillah you are
married to someone who respected you. May Allah have mercy on him.
I mean, and unfortunately, not a lot of our sisters
who marry in a basement find themselves happily married
thereafter. Subhanallah No, this is not to make light of that at
all. Subhan Allah in fact, actually, the majority of
comments, certainly in YouTube are like Muslims need this, you know,
Muslims need this, specifically the training side.
And the other is the worldly side, right for people whose wellies
either absent or don't know how to be what is and somebody was saying
so a while will these need training on the job as well ease
panela there's so much that's lost, I think in the in the
intergenerational learning just by kind of observing, because we
didn't used to have to take courses for this kind of thing.
You know, we didn't used to have to sign up for, you know,
information from outside, it would be things you would just learn
growing up, but here you go. Yeah, that is what it is. All right. So
says is there any way to access only the premarital course for
those who would like to be trained as facilitators? Okay, so the pre
Ha, the pre Marriage Course is not for the purpose of training
facilitators. It's only for participants at this stage. But I
am glad that she asked that question because if a brother and
sister simply just wants to attend a pre Marriage Course and not go
on to the next stages, they can do so.
Okay, that may be that may be sufficient, that may be enough for
them, and they may want to go through the rest of the journey on
their own. That's fine. But we do say to the sisters, please try it.
Please try and stay with us.
But we recognize that some people may not want to. Okay, fair
enough. Also question about reverb brothers. One question was, you
know, does solace help reverb brothers? What's the answer to
that? The answer, unfortunately is no, we don't help reverb brothers.
When we started 12 years ago,
we had to start somewhere. And I remember when I when I had the
idea to set up solace and I spoke to
Someone have knowledge. He gave me golden advice. He said, do this
properly, do this professionally. Start with a specific remit. And
you will find yourself still doing what you're doing and more. In 10
years time and handler will surpass that by Allah's help and
permission. But we were if I know, I know looking at the the amount
of work that we're doing that if we were to have opened this up to
brothers at the beginning, there's no way that solace will be around
today. Can't do we do we want to absolutely we would love to have a
win for brothers. We need a committed team of brothers to join
our team to take that forward. So I hope it isn't in law in the
future. There will be a solace for revert brothers in difficulty as
one inshallah very very much needed. Okay, so next question is
second best thing? Can bond Muslims take the prime premarital
course? Or is it only for rivets? We have a waiting list for that.
So at the moment, the priority is for revert sisters, but we
actually do have a waiting list for that. And we have we have
actually received a large number of queries about whether whether a
born Muslim can attend the course. So we're looking into it, we're
looking into providing that now see that the thing is, I get this
question a lot from the community.
Where and I recognize this I recognize that a lot of the
services that we offer at solace would be absolutely beneficial for
non reverse as well. But at the moment as a as a registered
charity with specific charitable objectives we have to stick to our
remit, but we are actually potentially at some point looking
at expanding and having a project specifically for non rivets as
well so watch this space. MashAllah guys watch this space.
In the next five years, you're going to see something I'm sure
mashallah to
either hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen Okay, so sis says what
about revert brothers for this service? Would it be wise to pair
reverts together? Have you found that marriage is between reverts
are more stable than when one is born Muslim and the other is a
revert. What's your experience with this? I was asked this
question literally just a couple of days ago, so Wow. And there was
a long discussion about it. Um, I do not believe that the more
successful marriages are and this is not what from what I've seen. I
do not believe that a pairing of revert brother and reverse system
necessarily leads to a more successful marriage.
Yeah, not at all. I think a healthy
rather and a healthy system leads to a successful marriage. Fair
enough. Wherever the Yep, tend to. Yeah, whether over there. Yeah,
makes sense. Makes sense. Okay, um, I think that that covers that
question as well. Mashallah. So
having hustled done, right?
What do we make of brothers, Muslim men? I see them in my DMs I
see them in the comments saying, I'm looking for a revert Sr.
I want the men to answer if you know, anyone who's actively said I
want a revert Sr. Or if you yourself want a revert Sr. and for
you. If you've had I'm sure you've I know for a fact you've had men
calling you up and saying Do you have any rivets to marry? What's
the deal guys and sisters? I mean, I don't want us to like I said,
let's let's operate from custom gun. But what is up with Muslim
guys, Muslim men brothers saying I want a revert specifically.
Do you want me to respond? Let's go on a spectrum, shall we? From
the best of intentions to the worst? I don't. I don't want to
bash anyone. But like, Well, I'm not gonna bash anybody. I'm
actually going to be
Yeah, I'm going to be very honest with my response.
Okay, first of all, for 12 years, we have been inundated with this
type of request. And that's why I was smiling. In undated
consistently, wow. Yeah. emails, messages on social media phone
calls the lot. Yeah.
I think there is the notion that a reverse sister needs to be saved.
That's number one. So we're looking looking at the best kind
of intention and having positive than that, I think there are
brothers who actually
celebrate the fact that the Sister has come into Islam recognizes
that she may encounter challenges with her non Muslim family
recognizes that she needs support, which is true, which is all true.
It's true. Yeah. And it feels that them stepping into their lives
through marriage is going to solve all of that and she'll be a
stronger Muslim and she'll be protected and so on.
So that's one. That's the noble intention. There's there's that
nobility right.
Is that Is there also something about the you know, repeat most
born Muslims, I think perceive reverts new Muslims to be better
than born Muslims, that they are more committed, that they are more
practicing that they are more, they have more zeal for the deen.
Maybe there's some of that as well. Absolutely. That's going to
be the second my second next best intention is that, you know, they
they feel that Masha, Allah, you know, she, she, she left her
previous life. She made the sacrifice, she took this amazing
step of embracing Islam and, you know, reverse sisters, because of
that step, have stronger faith and they're more committed to their
deen and she's going to help me she's going to strengthen my
faith, she's going to be better for me. So again, there is there
is we've heard that as well.
Can I move to the not so good? Are there there preceded you in this
idea? They are already there in the chat? Bringing in all their
answers. Yes, go ahead. What's what would be some of the less
charitable reasons or reasons why you think that's a bit of a red
flag? I'm not really going to recommend anybody to you right
now. Okay. I'm just reminding everyone that I'm a revert myself.
So what I'm, what I'm sharing with you are things that we have heard
i This is not my view about myself or anyone else. Unfortunately.
Many brothers
How do I put this many brothers
look at reverts and in the light of the fact that they had a
previous life
that they are more experienced in the bedroom than say eight? Yes,
we've heard this
in the bedroom because they were non Muslim. I mean, you know, not
necessarily the case. So that's a huge generalization.
And so, intimacy wise, they're going to get a lot a lot more out
of it by marrying a revert, they're not marrying a revert.
We've had the, you know, subhanAllah the fact we had
brothers and this is really, you know, very very troubling brothers
who know that they can quite frankly, take the mick because the
sister doesn't have family backing. She's She's alone. You
know, we've had brothers who have seen reverse sisters to be loose
and easy. Yeah, I've got some comments here I want to share with
you so
one brother says that he thinks that that request is an
inferiority complex and I think that there maybe is something to
be said for especially white revert sisters being seen as like
coveted because they are maybe something that you've always liked
for example, like if you're like a young Asian lad growing up right
maybe you always liked the English girls but you know you're not
going to do that because haram right? But that's your taste
that's what you're into. So it could be that you know, a white
revert English revert, whatever that could be.
Some people put that down to inferiority complex or like, you
know, your colonial mindset or whatever. But I've got other
reasons here, because we usually go ahead, sorry, and I'ma I have
to interrupt you there Just on that point. Interestingly,
interestingly, we've had brothers who have said I would like to get
married to a revert
as long as she isn't black Wow, that's deep soprano Allah Okay. So
then one will do accept the black one interesting Yes, there is this
there is this fetish for white revert sisters and reverses some
net Solace is trying to challenge and if you look at anything that
we do, you know, we want the community to move away from this
generalization that rivets are only white no you have white
you have Asian revert sisters.
There is you know, we have had brothers that have said I want to
marry a revert sister as long as she's white. Wow. Okay, so that
that guys that may be a thing is certainly as a thing for some
people. One of the reasons I've heard is because we've it's
usually asked for lower dowries. They really feel the need to help
them learn and belong to a Muslim family. And this brother says a
sister who knows the deen and is familiar with her rights is
considered a threat to many brothers. Wow. So says I've heard
that they're more
likely to accept being secret wives because they don't know any
better. And that might fit in with your thing of a man maybe wanting
to marry a sister with that background for sexual variety
because I think you'll typically take her as a second third or
fourth, maybe not as a first right because yeah, and in fact in fact,
very very sadly we've had many cases of reverse sisters who have
been the second on second unknown wife
and you know, really, really struggling really really
struggling Subhanallah
All right. So you so Pamela okay.
I think that that that takes us to our guys. So okay. So in short
people if we will put the the these links in the description
okay, please there is a deadline 25th of January I understand. So
if you know you are a revert sister or you know, reverse
sisters because the applications are for the sisters right? Not for
the brothers.
They're for both Yes. Okay, we go out to brothers and reverse
sisters. Okay, so this service discriminates guys against
non revert women. Okay, non Riva women need not apply, discriminate
is a bit heavy and
this is specifically for revert sisters and all brothers who are
open to marrying or revert I guess. So please 25th of January
the link is it will be in the description in sha Allah. As you
can see, it is probably one of the most comprehensive services out
there. And I know that it's taking, you know, years to bring
this to fruition earlier. So I want to congratulate you and the
whole of the team behind this. It's not easy to put stuff like
this together or even just get everybody on the same page. So
seriously, genuinely May Allah subhanaw taala reward you for your
intention and allow this to be a source of fair I know a lot of
people who have you know matrimonial services I know a lot
of the the bosses and the the founders of all these different
matrimonials and I know that for so many of them just the thought
of their service, their website, their app, their event being the
origin of a Muslim family that is founded upon worshipping Allah and
the legacy that that leaves is just very, very, very, very
gratifying, masha Allah and may it weigh heavily in your scales. And
so I pray insha Allah that we have a conversation about this in a
year's time in five years time in 10 years time by which by that
time guys the service will be for everyone. There'll be one for
rivets there'll be one for this for that for that in sha Allah,
because success leaves clues right? Yes. So if this system if
you can get it to work, right, if you can get results from it, then
inshallah it will signpost away for others to replicate this. This
five part is a five part system system we hope please support
solace so that we can grow into an organization that provides
services for non reverse as well. So you know, for us insha Allah I
mean, I mean does that allow Hayden says thank you so much for
just you know, being part of this and for honoring us with your
presence insha Allah hopefully it will not be the last time but in
that I will see you on here again in sha Allah but thank you so
much. And may Allah bless all the good work that you're doing. I
mean, because I Calaca take care all right, so they can learn how
to lay or better cater, when it comes Hello to
all my good girl I am I have done the recording turned it on and
turned it off at the right time. How many love Alright guys. So so
so so how are we feeling? I think everybody needs to go and take a
stretch. Okay, get up, stretch. Okay, taking some deep breaths,
have some water, have some tea, have some coffee, put the kettle
on whatever you need to do because we were doing it tonight
mashallah, this live stream is going to be several hours long. So
I want you to keep rolling with us. I don't want you to go away
because I have my next guest in sha Allah who is already there in
the wings, waiting, masha Allah. She is Dr. Sharifah Carla under
Lucia and I first met her when we were paired to do the show up tour
in the UK in August. So those of you who were on the show up tour,
then you will remember that we were the dynamic duo that went
around the UK cities giving really really powerful realistic advice
to sisters all over all over the pretty much the south and middle
of England in sha Allah so she is going to be delivering a talk on
how to find a spouse so guys please a big warm welcome to Dr.
Shetty fan and this is her first time on my on my on this channel.
First time on this platform as well. So give her a big warm
welcome a big Salam
And insha Allah says let me know if you have any issues with your
anything that you have your mic and all of that kind of thing
should be okay to start video etc inshallah so whenever you're ready
and those of you who are watching on the YouTubes please insha Allah
I'm having a look at the video now. I'm seeing 36 likes and that
cannot be right no absolutely
why like I'm sorry, but I can't assist I just need to get these
people on YouTube in order hold on. Okay, can you give me five
minutes I'm having an issue. So just five minutes Yes, take your
time. Take your time. All right, let me check this now. 173 likes
guys 200 of you watching so can you guys like the video and
subscribe to the channel? Okay, subscribe the channel we're on
48,701 To get to 50k by New Year's inshallah by the first of January
so if you have not already subscribed go and subscribe now
while you wait for me you must subscribe because you know this
channel is hot this is a fire it is so good. So please, please
please please see we're not on thing we're not on stream yard
otherwise we'd be getting the super chats and everything but you
guys feel free. Feel free to drop the super chats and the super
badges and all of the good things over there and YouTube. I'm there
I'm watching you I'm paying attention to the chat inshallah.
right you ready sister Sharifa Dr. Shiva
let me know when you're ready inshallah.
Okay, so I want to see are we gonna get any super chats today
I've got my my I have my my usuals my usual suspects are actually
there in the chat right now. So I want to see if anybody is going to
put any super chats down guys feel free, feel free. We accept the
super chats we accept the dollars, the pounds and everything.
Hamdulillah. So Insha Allah, feel free to support the channel in any
way. And also, make sure that you subscribe to the channel and like
the video and share it.
This has been you ready to forgive me but no, I'm trying to sign in
from I'm on my phone right now. Okay, and I'm trying to sign in
front of the computer. Oh, okay. Is there are you Yeah, you?
Yes, but I need to. I need to sign out of this and then enter the
other. So if you give me that's okay. Just send me just send me a
chat when you're ready. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna chat to these
peeps out here. Thank you so much for the lateness. No worries. No
worries. Okay. VIPs. Let's talk. Let's talk. Let's talk. Let's
talk. What has stood out for you today. What has been thought
provoking? What did you hear that you hadn't heard before? Anything
that
touched you? Anything that impacted you? Anything that upset
you? You know, anything that you felt? No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm
not taking that. Talk to me.
Let's see where we're at. Let's take the temperature in the room
in sha Allah.
I can see people on YouTube of people going guys on YouTube. You
need to go and have some water and get some coffee on please and some
tea. All right, I will be banning people who cause problems in the
chat.
Yes, tikka says the work Solace is doing is incredible, Masha, Allah
Absolutely. Says I was really upset by the MaHA story, which was
the mother story.
The talk about obedience was eye opening. Ah, the little snippet,
mashallah, that was that was hamdulillah it had a very big
impact on the sisters that had did the workshop in London, Mashallah.
I was really
oh my god, one P for my heart. Yeah, Rob, those of you who are
around in the late 90s, early 2000s. You remember that stuff?
You remember that? Those days? And it's it's it's funny, isn't it?
It's
it's about having that balance.
And I think we got there at one point, and then the pendulum just
carried on swinging. And now we're going to try and swing it back.
But I guess pendulum swings, they tend to go to extremes, don't
they? So I think
the goal of these conversations and the goal of addressing these
issues is for everyone to take personal responsibility. society,
a society a society, right society is going to do what it's going to
do. Society is based on all sorts of things and even what we term
society is subjective, right? How do we really know what's happening
in the majority of homes?
We only know because of what we see on social media and that may
or may not be representative of the truth, right?
We don't know really how this group of people or that group of
people really feel because we can only go based on what some of them
Some say on social media, right? So it's not about what society is
doing this, therefore, this means X, Y and Zed for me in my life, we
need to take responsibility for how we show up. And that personal
accountability is always going to be,
inshallah hallmark of this channel, no matter what's
happening in the community, no matter what's happening in
society, we don't get to blame our shortcomings on what's happening
out there. I mean, you can, but all you're doing is abdicating
responsibility, and you're not helping the problem, right? You're
not being the solution, you are now part of the problem, because
now you're just blaming everyone else, right? The solution is to
take control of what you have control over. And that is the same
whether you are struggling to get married, whether you've been
through a bad marriage, whether you're raising children, whether
you're you know, in a in a in a second marriage, whether you're a
second wife, whether you're looking for a second wife, whether
you're navigating polygyny, or divorce, or blending or a new
marriage, or just having had children, whatever it is,
take
accountability of yourself, and take responsibility for what you
have control over in sha Allah. Hey says
let me know when you can unmute insha Allah.
With Baba Ali, he had to jump out guys, unfortunately. Very, very
sorry about all that.
It's okay. Hamdulillah. Have you got slides that you want to use?
Or is it just used? Do I do let me see if I can do that. Let me see
if it actually lets me open. Where would that be?
Whiteboard apps reactions record share screen. I need to open it.
Give me a second up. You are not going to believe I am very sorry.
I just came from the airport. Wow. Yeah. And we had a problem on the
road. And that's why I literally have just walked in the house. So
Panama says, oh, no, Lo, let's just take your time in Sharla.
Take your time, I'm going to read some comments in sha Allah. Take
your time with your slides. Okay. I'll read some comments here. So
raffia says, the obedience part was really eye opening.
And
society really does program us Yes, yes, it's doing its very
best. And for the most part, it's doing a very good job. So sis says
I'm trying to see how to teach my girls, because I come from a
traditional family. So it was more ingrained. But still, the push to
be educated was there.
And another sister says that the advice on how to balance between
work and spouse for family commitments is very beneficial,
definitely will need to listen again to absorb further I agree, I
agree. I think that's really, really important. Mashallah. And I
think since you know, when you said about the push to be
educated, I personally, I don't think that the solution is to
going back to a time when girls are not educated. Right. And I put
educated in in quotes.
I think maybe there's
some thinking about what education should be or what it should do.
And the results that we're looking for from that education. Right. I
think there's definitely some thinking we need to do there and
not be afraid to be countercultural, countercultural
in that sense. I mean, I for myself, I am not interested in in
my daughters being uneducated and ignorant, and all my sons marrying
an uneducated or ignorant woman. But what does that education mean?
Right, what is she educated in?
And what is she not educated in? Right? I think that the model for
the Muslim is that we seek knowledge, right, that we are a
people of seeking knowledge. Now, should that that knowledge? Should
it foundationally be the dean? Yes. But we know that it's not
that it's not limited to just the dean, we know that we are
encouraged to read and to pursue knowledge, etc. What do you want
that to look like for your daughters, or for your son's
future wives, for the mothers of your grandchildren? What kind of
an education should we be striving for? What should we be encouraging
them to shoot for to aim for? I think those are important
conversations that are a bit more nuanced, but we really, really do
need to have those conversations. So you said you grew up seeing the
auntie whose husband was abusive and she stuck by or the anti
married as a young lady and abandoned that family. So you
start to fear being mistreated and left so you tried to soften the
blow by being independent? Yes, there is definitely a fear there.
Says my parents pushed being a teacher or midwife, etc. Because
they're seen as more family friendly careers and could help in
raising children. I think there is definitely something to be
set for that in sha Allah. Okay, all right, are you ready says I'm
ready Alhamdulillah All right, so in short, no, no, that's fine.
That's fine Inshallah, just to be aware,
the the guys in YouTube only see that they're not going to see you
unless you're speaking so if you don't need the slide please stop
sharing and come on screen and then when you need the slide, come
back on inshallah because it's a better viewing experience for for
everybody. Okay, inshallah then let me open also the slide in
another
in another format there we go, so that I can also I can keep track
of where I am and what I'm seeing in sha Allah. All right, so in sha
Allah, we don't have to have the slides I can actually do this
without sharing the slide.
If the slides have information that people need to write down and
that kind of thing go for it but otherwise I you know, I think it's
mostly Quran and Hadith for me to know where I'm where I am in the
speech so I will just stop sharing No, stop
your screenshare sharing stop share. Okay, there we
introduce you I think a Salam is good to see you again, masha
Allah, let me stop the recording. Let's get this party started.
Bismillah Okay, so All right, this is midnight.
I shadow in La Ilaha illa Allah wa de la sharika. Lah, well as Shadow
anna Muhammad Abdullah, who are a solo Sama, Allahu Allah, he was
salam. Well, today we're going to be talking about is how to find a
spouse. And we want to be a little bit more proactive in terms of
this. So I want to start with the simple things, what is a good
spouse, if you're going to find a spouse, be it a male or a female,
if you you're a woman looking for a husband, you're a man looking
for a wife, there are certain things that you have to look for.
And there are certain things that are very important within who and
what you are choosing as a spouse. So the first thing of course, we
have the Hadith from Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that a
woman is married for her Deen her wealth and her beauty. And of
course, we know that on social, I said, I'm said that if you're
going to choose from one of these, what do we choose, we choose the
dean, this woman that you marry is going to be the mother of your
children. This man that you marry is going to be the father of your
children, this person is going to share their lives with you. And
Subhan Allah, this is a Hadith that is given form for basically
for men, but but Subhan, Allah, the scholars, they agree that this
is also something that we need to look for, as women in our
husbands. I remember years ago, a sister came to me and she was
talking about, you know, the helping and the choosing of a
husband and so forth. And she said to me, if this man doesn't fear
Allah for himself, What makes you think he's gonna fear a love for
you? So the most important characteristic that you need to
find in a husband? Isn't his wealth? Isn't his looks? Isn't his
intelligence. It is his Deen does this man, fear and love for
himself? The same thing with a man looking for a wife? Does this
woman fear Allah for herself? Because if she doesn't care about
her, Deen, if he doesn't care about his deen and saving their
own soul, and keeping them out of the Hellfire,
how are they going to treat you as a spouse? How are they going to
care about your children?
Now we're, we're on this life. We're in this dunya for one reason
and one reason only, and that's to worship Allah. Along the way,
there are things that are benefits for us. There are things that are
Subhan, Allah, happiness for us, there are things that are peace
for us, there are things that are good for us. And there's a lot of
trials, and marriage is one of those things that should be a way
of comfort as Allah subhanaw taala said that we are like a cover for
each other. We're supposed to be covers for each other. So how can
I be a cover for you or you be a cover for me? If we don't fear
Allah? If we don't believe in Allah, if we're not in this dunya
for the purpose of worshiping Allah, and making it to Jannah
that's it.
It doesn't matter. Nothing else matters.
fearing Allah loving Allah being with Allah, doing everything we
can to please
Unless opponent that Allah and making it through this prison that
is dunya to get to Allah Subhan Allah to Allah. So that very first
thing, the most important thing is when you are looking for a spouse,
make sure this person believes in Allah follows Allah to the best of
their ability, no such thing as a perfect person, we're not going to
find an angel to marry. But we can find someone that is doing
everything in their power to worship Allah and be with Allah
and be a good Muslim Subhan Allah The next thing that we want to
look at is this person may be one of the you know, as they said, A
man with a beard down to here or a woman with the face veil and a by
Eros, the bio or the gel pad that goes over the head and she's got
gloves and she's covered from head to toe.
But the character is bad. And I sort of lost I said, I'm said, if
someone was piety and character you are satisfied with comes to
you marry to him. If you do not do so there will be trials on the
earth and a great deal of deal of evil. Now, this is Rasul Allah, as
I said, I'm talking to men about giving their daughters away. But
the same thing occurs with giving your, your son away.
Make sure that the person, okay, they have Deen, they're praying,
they're fasting. they've memorized Quran, they have Deen, they're in
the masjid all the time. But they're characters that because
character and Deen aren't necessarily coinciding with each
other. They're not necessarily parallel. So ask yourself the
question. Look at this person, how is their character? I remember
years ago, I was interviewing someone I was getting to know
someone. And we were in a restaurant, me and this person, my
Wally, and actually a few other people, there was quite a few
people sitting there. But while we're sitting in the restaurant,
the waiter, I can't remember what exactly happened. But the guy
started yelling at the waiter. Now he had a long beard. And he was
known for being in the masjid. And he was, you know, he was
supposedly very religious and very good. But Subhan Allah, one of the
signs of the character of a human being isn't so much how they treat
the person they consider to be equal to them. How do they? How do
they treat those that they consider to be of a lesser class
of a left lesser level, intellectually, physically,
financially, class wise, etc. Look at the character of the person,
when we are going to go choose somebody for a marriage.
And I'll talk about this later as well. But think of it almost like
a job interview this person, you're going to hire them to be
your husband, you're going to hire them to be your wife, what would
you look for? If this was an actual position? That was a job
that you want to fill. So of course, character is very
important. And we need to get to know each other, well enough
Subhana Allah, we need to have a chance to communicate with each
other beforehand. And yes, it's easy to hide your flaws. And
honestly, truly, we're lucky. We're lucky my sisters and
brothers, until you're married, you don't know the person until
you are living together alone, just you and you and your husband,
you and your wife, you're not going to know them. But we have to
be as proactive as possible, we have to try to seek out the right
characteristics within the person. So of course, like I said, you
start with the dean, and then try to see the person's character. You
can try this through questions and questions alone is just not going
to do it, of course, because you have to interact, try to see that
person. And I guarantee you if it's if it's a one to three
meanings, and we're done, there's a good chance that they'll be able
to hide a lot of different things from you. So there are going to be
other things that I'm going to tell you that will help to, in sha
Allah get us a better, more rounded picture of the person that
we are looking at SubhanAllah. So yes, there's no guarantees. Yes,
you can't always see what the person is like and you're not
going to know until you're married. But you have to try to
seek out these things that are going to make it easier for you to
have a better chance of us
successful marriage. The next thing Rasulullah sallallahu sallam
said for the man to go and look at the woman. And many of the
scholars they say this is fathered others they say it's highly
recommended do not marry somebody without looking at them. Omar ibn
Khattab revelon Whom once said, do not force your young girls to
marry an ugly man, for they also love what you love. Even Aberdeen,
a famous thick, fat kid from the last century said, The woman
should choose a man whose religious, have good character
generous and have ample wealth, she should not marry an evildoer.
A person should not marry his young daughter to an old man, or
an ugly man, but he should marry to one who is similar to her
Subhanallah the man needs to be attracted to the woman that he
marries the woman also needs to be attracted to the man that she
marries. I noticed so many people, we compromise in this. And I'm not
saying that you go out and you find the most beautiful person
that you can that you go out and find the most handsome man that
you can. I'm saying that when you see this person, there is
attractive Ness, there is attraction, there is that kind of
desire between each other, that Subhan Allah Hamdulillah you do
have the ability to desire one another to like one another on a
physical level as well as the intellectual level, the religious
level, and all the other levels that we're going to need in order
to have a good, a good what do you call it a good relationship
together? Subhan Allah. So that's the third thing. Now the fourth
thing, and this is pertaining mostly to young people who are
getting married to those who have never been married before, and or
those that maybe they had been married before, but they're still
within a certain age range. And that is supposed to like Sam said,
Marry the loving friendly the childbearing for I shall outstrip
the other nations with your numbers on Yeoman Qiyamah. What is
this mean? We as Muslims are supposed to be having children it
is part of our deen to increase the Ummah, to have more children
not to be keeping our numbers down Subhan Allah. So Rasulullah
sallallahu Sallam is highly encouraging us to find other
partners that will increase the number of Muslims. Now does this
mean that those that are having trouble with fertility or those
that have reached an age where fertility is no longer an issue
within the idea of marriage, a man or a woman that are in their
40s 50s 60s perfectly fine, perfectly wonderful to get
married, but I still listen I sent him. He taught us that Islam is
not a religion, for people to stay single that the Muslims should not
be alone. You know this thing that we have within some of the
cultures of Muslims, that a woman, a woman's husband passes away, a
woman gets divorced. A woman has in any way shape or form a problem
in terms of having children and she she moves or she loses her
husband, her spouse, that she should stay until death, never to
marry again. This is wrong. This is not Islam and this increases
fitna. This increases problems in our OMA, you leave women in a
situation where they are Subhan Allah in fitna, in fitna, you can
have a woman who's 60 and 70, who still has the desire for marriage.
So I'm not talking about this. What I'm talking about is when
you're young, when you're in a time of fertility, that you
Subhanallah
try to increase the muscle when you're thinking of getting
married. You go for the man who is able to have children
in a normal way i don't i Now somebody came up with me once and
asked me the question, well, how do you know if they've never been
married? That they can have children or not? You go by the
norm. This person is 30 years old. Normally at 30. A man can
reproduce it a woman can reproduce. Neither one has been
married or they have been married and Subhanallah they you know you
they have not a
Um, they we don't know whether they can or cannot have children,
we, we assume or we from what we know of what they've taken in
terms of testing and so forth in their life or just the fact that
they're normal people, you make the assumption that they are
fertile. But increasing the nation is part of the reason for
marriage. So this is something that we need to take into,
into account. The next thing that we have is that Subhan Allah, for
men and for women, the scholars have stressed that the attribute
of virginity is important. Now, science has proven that when a
Virgin Mary's and especially when two virgins marry each other,
there is a stronger bond between them. So when a woman gets
married, and she's a virgin, she has a stronger bond to that man
who is her first, the same holds true for men, when a virgin man
marries, there is a stronger bond in that relationship. So this is
so Pamela, another thing that we should try if you have a young
virgin man find him a young virgin woman, if you have a young virgin
woman, marry her to a young virgin man, try to make the relationship
on an equal basis. So if you are a woman who is a virgin, look for a
virgin men, because this is going to increase the possibility of
your marriage becoming something that is long lasting and stronger
inshallah. And the same if you are a virgin man, you should try to
find a virgin woman Subhan Allah. So this is another attribute that
we should be looking for. So there's a question is,
how do you ask about virginity? We I thought we concealed sins and
told not to ask about this. You conceal your sins. However, you
are allowed to ask this question you are allowed to ask any
question that is concerning you, as a husband as a wife, now Subhan
Allah, if that person who you are marrying, is has committed a sin,
okay, then Subhan Allah, check to see if they have made Toba if they
committed the sin and may tell Well, this is different. But at
the same time, this is something that if you are a virgin, you have
the right to a virgin. And it is better for you in terms of
longevity, longevity of marriage in terms of the bond. And this is
something that the prophesy Selim encouraged. Now,
in general,
we make assumptions that the people are good, and they're
practicing and they are virgins. But if this is something important
to you, you have the right to ask. And I have to stress something
when it comes to marriage, there is no concealing. When it comes to
marriage, I want to marry this man, I need to know about this
man. This is important, because this man could be bringing me
diseases this man could be creating problems for me in the
future because and just recently, there was a situation where a girl
married a man and she did not know that he had just broken off a
relationship he was madly in love with the woman before and he she
ended up miserable. Because of this, we need to ask the
questions. And if a man lies, this is actually reason for a knowing a
marriage. The same with the woman the woman should be as honest as
possible. If the man asked her the question, she needs to answer it.
Now if he does not ask if he's not concerned with this question, then
100 Illa conceal your sins. But if you are asked directly you need to
answer directly. And as somebody looking for a spouse, if you are a
virgin and you want a virgin then you need to ask the question. This
is important Subhanallah when it comes to idea of molestation and
abuse
the scholars that I've that I've spoken to about this situation,
yes, the sister or the brother can withhold this information. This is
allowed to do because this is a crime
I'm against the person. However,
however, if you know that this coming out is going to create a
problem in the future, it's better to put all the cards on the table
to let it be known. Sisters and brothers when we don't reveal
something when we are asked specifically,
when we are told I want X, Y, and Z. And if we lie male or female,
if we line then what is going to happen is that down the road, this
is going to be a huge issue that may destroy the marriage. And
better to have it out in the open beforehand, so that you have a
chance from the beginning. Yes, we were honest with each other. We
know what's going on Subhanallah it says here, please get to help
and therapy and healing if you do have an issue of molestation of
abuse, of * of whatever it may be, may Allah subhanaw taala grant
us ease and get help. There is nothing wrong in Islam with that.
So now the next thing that we need to talk about is financial
stability. And this is specifically for the man. Men are
protectors and maintainers of women. And Allah has made one of
them excel over the other because they spend of their possessions to
support them.
I once did a video, and in this video was talking about the
woman's right to a dowry, the woman's right to check the man's
salary to know what is happening with this man in terms of how he's
going to be able to provide for her and her children. And I was
blasted by Muslim men who are like, Oh, she's a gold digger. She
just cares about money. She just wants a man who's this was that
was everything. No brothers,
the Muslim woman. When she gets married, she gives up control of
her life. She gives up financial stability. She gives up a lot for
the sake of Allah, because she has to obey this man and he's supposed
to take care of her. If she wants to sit at home, and take care of
her children, and one and have a man who takes care of everything,
he pays for the food, he pays for the clothes, he pays for the
house, he has to be able to do that Subhan Allah, this is what
Allah put upon the men and this woman is not a gold digger. May
Allah forgive the brothers who are saying this, this woman is not a
gold digger. This moment is a Muslim woman taking her rights.
Any man who expects to get married and wants his wife to help support
the family and to help support him, and to do his job for her for
him. This man is going against Allah and His messenger. He's
going against the commands of Allah. So brothers, when you are
getting ready for marriage, make sure that you're financially
stable. Sisters, when you are going to choose a husband make
sure that this man can take care of and will take care of you and
your children. Too often we have men who are getting married and
expecting the women to take care of themselves, or expecting the
woman to go on, on welfare, or expecting adding means for that
woman to live and her children to live without him providing it.
It is the responsibility of the man to pay for his family. So
before you go out to find a wife, make sure you have a way to take
care of that wife. And I don't mean that you have to take care of
her in you know, in the level of a prince and the level of a shake
and the level of somebody who's filthy rich, no.
But you have to be able to provide them. The woman should be able to
stay home and take care of her children she should not have to
work to support you and them.
That is not what Allah Subhan Allah Allah placed as the rights
placed as the responsibility placed upon the woman, the woman,
her responsibility is her home and her children and taking care of
her husband, not
going out and earning the money to take care of herself to take care
of her children and many times take care of her husband as well
Subhan Allah and if you decide that you want to get married,
brothers again, I'm telling you, make sure that you can afford to
do this
Subhan Allah
Alhamdulillah Bellamy, even Omar Katara, the one whom he said the
woman should choose a man who is religious, good character,
generous, and have ample wealth, not filthy rich, that can take
care of her. This is something that we as women should not feel
ashamed to ask a man to take care of us.
This should not even have to be an issue in any way, shape, or form.
So when you are looking for a husband, this is something you
need to watch out for. When a man is going for him to look for a
wife, he needs to make sure that he can take care of her. Now the
next thing is, there should be maturity, the man and the woman
should know what they are getting into marriage is not a game.
Marriage is not just the bedroom. Marriage is a huge commitment, it
is a lot of responsibility. And we must have the maturity to get into
this and we need to make sure question ourselves. Are we ready
for this? Are we ready to take this responsibility? So men and
women and when you are looking for a spouse, look to the maturity
level of the man look to the maturity level of the woman that
you are seeking as a spouse.
Now, the last thing I want to talk about in terms of what you are
looking for is compatibility.
Sit, talk, get to know each other.
There was one group that I was a man and a woman that I was helping
to facilitate between the two of them. And when they started
talking, they realized that they had absolutely nothing in common.
There's nothing wrong with starting to talk with somebody
getting to know them, figuring out that we don't have anything in
common yes, we're both Muslims. Yes, we both foot fear Allah. Yes,
we both pray. Yes, we follow the same flavor of Islam. Yes, we have
some similar traits in our Islamic characteristics. Yes, we both have
good character.
But we have nothing in common. We are not going to have something at
the end of the day that he and I she and I are sitting down and
we're talking and we you know having a normal conversation and
there's nothing to talk about.
Because that is also important within a marriage. So get to know
the person beforehand talk to them, see them see their reaction
in different situations. That's why I said like, you can you and
your you know if you're Wally is your father if you're Wally is the
Imam of the masjid whoever you have chosen hat or Allah has
chosen as your Wally if you are born a Muslim, or if you have,
like me, my older son is my is my Wally, because my parents are not
my my father is not a Muslim, I don't have anybody else except my
oldest son who is of age. So he has become my Wally. So if anybody
comes to ask for me, then my son is the one that will sit with me
and him. So I've had situations where I had gone to dinner with my
son, and, and a gentleman, a Muslim. And the three of us are
sitting there and talking. And I'm able to see this person in a
social situation. So I can see how do they act with the waiters? How
do they act with the people around them, and I can look out for any
kind of red flags, I can look out for character, and I can talk to
them and get to know them and see Subhan Allah and see that this
person is compatible with me or not. There's a question now, how
do we access if a young man any provider has a provider mentality,
if they're still young and studying,
there's ways to know, because that young man has sisters probably or
a mother or somebody around them. And I'm going to talk about that
also, within now, when I'm finished with compatibility, I'm
going to talk about actual steps the process, how to go about
finding out about this person. So in the actual process, let's start
with number one. Deeds are by intention. Make as clear
intention, I want to get married for the sake of Allah subhanaw
taala. I want to get married because Allah said that we should
be married, that we should be in couples that we should be in pairs
that we should not be alone, but I sort of thought I sell them. He
also taught us that being alone is not the way of a Muslim. We are
not supposed to be a
I'm celibate, we're not supposed to be alone. So make your
intention, I want to marry for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala.
Follow that with dua, ask Allah Subhana Allah for exactly what you
want. And do not, do not get impatient. Because when you're
supposed to get married, Allah will bring that person. And it may
be a year, it may be 10 years, it might be 30 years. Allah subhana,
Allah, if it's meant for you to marry will bring the person to you
just keep begging Allah, and don't lose patience with Allah, then we
have our preparation. And this is as a young man,
as a young woman, as an older man, as an older woman, it doesn't
matter where you are in your life stages. Are you prepared for
marriage? If you are a man? Do you have the financial ability to take
care of your family? Do you have the maturity level? Be honest with
yourself?
As a woman, do you have the emotional preparation? Do you have
the the physical preparation? Are you ready? Do you have emotional
and psychological preparation for marriage? Do you have the
knowledge? What is marriage in Islam? What are my rights? What
are my responsibilities, men and women, we all have to have this.
Once we have this kind of preparation,
I'm going to advise each and every one of you make a list. This is
what I expect from marriage. This is what I expect from my wife,
this is what I expect from my husband, this is what I expect
from myself within a marriage. Have this clear in your mind. So
that when you go out to seek a spouse, you know what you're
looking for. You're not going to accept just anybody because
they're Muslim.
have expectations. Know your deen Subhan Allah
create a list of questions that you can ask prospective people so
that you know I have my I have my list. This is what I'm expecting
in a marriage. I am a woman who wants to sit at home and take care
of my children. I don't want to work. But I want the ability to
work if I get bored. Or if I if I if I'm able to do it. This is my
expectation, let's say. So I need to find a man who wants to take
care of his wife wants to have the full financial burden that he's
supposed to have in front of Allah subhanaw taala, who wants to raise
children with me? Who wants who will not complain if as long as
all of the other condition being a wife are fulfilled, I get a job on
the side. If I'm not, if I have the time, if I have the ability,
if I feel that I need something, this is what I want. So this is
what I'm looking for. So you have to know, before the marriage, not
not in the middle of the marriage. It's like, oh, you know, when I
got married, I said I wanted to stay home. And now I'm, you know,
I think that staying home is not for me, or the man at the
beginning of the marriage is like, you know, I have no problem with
you going to work. And as soon as you get married, it's like, no,
you're not going to work. No, this is not going to work. We have to
be realistic.
And that is why I say leave it open a little bit. When you're
putting your expectation say should I change? I think I want
somebody that's flexible. And I think that's better. Or I am sure
that I never want to work and I want to make sure that my husband
never tells me I need you to go out and get a job. So think about
what are your expectations SubhanAllah.
And like I said before, treat this like a job hunt. You're looking
for a candidate for the job of husband, you're looking for a
candidate for the job of wife.
And don't be shine Subhan Allah when it comes to marriage, we have
to be able to ask the hard questions. We have to be able to
answer the hard questions. We have to know what we want and we have
to be able to ask for it look for it. Know
what we are putting ourselves into as a husband as a wife Subhanallah
so now you've got yourself prepared
Let's start putting out the word. Let's start putting ourselves out
there. Now how do you do that? Simple. First off, you got your
family, you got your friends, right? You've got your brother,
your mother, your father, your uncle's, your cousins, you've got
your friends, you got the people at the masjid. You have the at
the, at the school or at the university, there's a Muslim
Student Association, there's clubs where lots of Muslims are
involved. Get involved in those because that's where you're going
to find people who are your age, your basic, you know, group,
and you're gonna have the word out, I'm ready for marriage. Do
not be shy to go to your father, do not be shy to go to your
mother, anybody in your family that you can go to and say, Hey,
I'm ready for marriage. So that even if I am afraid to take to my
father, me as a woman, go to my father and say I want to get
married. I can go to my sister who's married, I can go to my
cousin who's married, I can go to a friend who knows my who's my
whose father is friends with my father. Find a way to get to
people to let them know so that your family knows that you're
ready for marriage. If you're from a non Muslim family, there are
sisters and brothers in the masjid, who are also searching for
spouses. Let it be known in the masjid. Join the Islamic clubs.
There are conferences for it for Muslims, there are conventions for
Muslims, join them, go there, put yourself in the mix. Get yourself
around other Muslims, let the word be known. And don't be shy about
it. Because it's so much better that you make it clear, I'm ready.
Then you end up in something that could end up being haram for you.
That can end up being dangerous for you Subhan Allah and do not do
things alone. I have no problem with the idea of the marriage
apps. But most of these apps they have a feature called the Wally
feature. Okay, so if you're going to do it, if you are a Muslim
woman from a Muslim family and you have a maharam, let your Mokum be
involved, never meet alone. If you are a Muslim man, don't put
yourself into that fitna. Don't meet alone. Do it with the
maharam. If you don't have a monogram, find someone who will
act as a Wally, okay. Also, there's such things as marriage
fairs, there are such things as marriage, CVS, have yourself a CV,
a marriage CV ready to go, especially men, because there's
always men asking, I tell them, give me your CV, and I'll see what
I can find if it's available, and SubhanAllah. Now, the last thing I
want to talk to you
well, actually, there's two things. Number one is this is
Takata. When you find the person and you're ready, and you think
this is the right one, make the istikhara. Now brothers and
sisters, is Takata does not mean that you're going to get married
and stay married until you die, is Takata means that Allah is going
to give you what's best for you. Now, later, and in the akhirah. So
maybe getting married to this person now having whatever
experience you have with them now, and then getting a divorce, or
that person dying, or something else happening, that you end up
not together forever, is the best thing for you. Is Takata means I'm
leaving it to you, Allah Subhan Allah Allah to make the decision
for me that it'd be best for me now and later. Subhan Allah, so
precautions and then questions and answers. Know what you want. Don't
be afraid to ask for what you want. And sisters and brothers
investigate. It is not haram to go to the mosque and ask about this
person to go to their job and ask about them to go to their family
and ask about them. And if somebody asked you about someone
for marriage, and you do know something bad about them,
if it's something that will affect the marriage,
if it is something that will affect the
being married to this person, then you need to tell them you need to
tell them what it is we're not supposed to hide anything. Yes, we
cover the sins of our brothers and sisters. But if there's something
important that needs to
we known that it's going to create a problem in the marriage later.
We must say it. Sisters, talk about the tough issues. Brothers
talk about the tough issues, finances, rights,
responsibilities, roles, children, family, everything that's going to
be important later. Trust your instincts and don't ignore the red
flags. And brothers and sisters
go in the front door.
If a brother is coming to a girl and she's He's telling her No, no,
let's get to know each other. And then later we'll talk to the
families were involved the families, that brother is not
using the front door, if a sister is going up to a brother without
her mom without somebody in between. She's not using the front
door. Let's keep it halau Okay, um, how do you approach a
potential spouse about going to premarital counseling and testing
straight up my sisters and brothers straight up? When you
have that meeting, and you're talking and you're, you're you're,
you're at a place where you're saying, Okay, I'm ready, I want to
get married. This is what I need. This is what I want. When you're
at that place. Brothers and sisters, if you want counseling,
you say it I need counseling, this has to be a part of what we're
going to do. This has to be something that is part of how
we're going to proceed. And if they say no, there's nothing wrong
with saying, Okay, I'm not into this. I'm not going to be going
forward with you. At any point until you are married. You can
always back out.
You can always back out. Do not be afraid. Because you need to make
sure brothers and sisters that this is the right person for your
future not just for your now. And Allah knows best. Okay, so Subhana
will they handed shadow when Leila was the cricket? What do we like?
So we have some questions, I believe and I sure that I have
missed some of them as I've been talking. So if there's something
that I've missed, Nyima,
can you I want to say just like hello Hayden. MashAllah another
first on on this platform, mashallah on this channel, but
because I've been on a speaking tour with you, I know your style.
And I knew that my, my viewers would really love your straight
talking approach, you have won yourself many fans.
Mashallah, just for you know, just saying it as it is, you know, with
no fear nor favor, right, it is what it is. And I think that your
advice was balanced, it was practical, it was realistic. And
hey, you got to make it do what to do. So, you know, insha Allah,
there's been lots and lots of commentary. And there are just a
few things that people have have kind of, you know, wanted to ask
about. But obviously, they're mainly discussing what the things
that you've been saying. So now, I think when, okay, do you have any
advice for people who are looking into subsequent marriages? Right,
because I think everything that you said, makes complete sense for
the virgins for the never been married, you know, for the
singles, no children, everything is quite simple for them, right?
Especially if you have a Wali, who's your dad, it's a much more
straightforward write, the expectations are much clearer.
Everyone's more or less on the same page. Have you in your
experience seen that those these conversations become a bit more
complicated after a few marriages? Or if you're going into a
polygynous situation? Or if you have children of your own? And
would you advise us to think, maybe slightly differently if we
are going into marriage in that in that situation? Or would you say,
Nope, same rules apply? Well, what's your opinion on that? Well,
everything in terms of the kind of man that you're gonna look for if
you're a sister looking into another marriage, that applies,
you need to have the good character you need to have the
deen you have to have compatibility. Well, now
like Salam said that not every marriage is based on love. So
sometimes you're going into a marriage because you need
companion you need that. You need the bed, you need the money, you
need the someone to help you with your kids, you need certain
things. So going into it realistically,
is also important. So if it's a remarriage, if you have kids, if
you have other factors that are important, well, then yes, you may
compromise some of the things but never
Ever, ever, ever, ever compromise deen and character, because those
two will come back to bite you. They will destroy a remarriage
they will destroy everything because you got a brother who you
know you're a woman and you're in need, and you don't have the
ability to take care of yourself and your kids easily. And you
marry a brother who's like, Yes, I'll take care of you. And then
you investigate because you have to investigate. I don't care how
many times you've been married, you have to investigate you
investigating, you find out that he was married to Sister x. And he
didn't take care of her. He was married to sister y, and he didn't
take care of her. And also take a look at if you're talking about
polygyny, I don't see a problem with a sister going into polygyny,
if she's fine with that,
if he's treating wife number one badly, I guarantee you he's going
to treat you badly. It's not hurtful actually, eventually,
eventually, you might not be straight away. But eventually
Yeah, yes. So I think I think why I asked this question is because
we've talked a lot on this channel about roles and responsibilities,
right. And we do the top the topic of subsequent marriages and step
parents and blending families also comes up quite a lot. Right? And
with that, the conversation about provision, right and about women
working and having their own and who's responsible, and what if he
doesn't have as much money as me and all of that? So I think, from
what I'm understanding from you, I think we're all agreed on this,
that the qualities that make you you know, have, like you said, a
person was good Dean and character. That's your baseline
guys. That's the baseline. You know, I keep saying make your
baseline Allah subhanaw taala. To baseline. And I think we can all
agree that that is the baseline, according to Allah subhanaw taala.
And it's, it's one of the as you said,
one of the biggest indicators that the marriage will be inshallah
Hey, is if he has good Deen a good character, right? Does that mean
you won't lie? Yeah. And you have to check them out. In other words,
you don't you don't go online, meet a brother, travel halfway
across the world don't know anything about him. That's not the
way to do it. You need to investigate. If you're a sister
who has found herself somehow connected to a brother in
Zimbabwe. And he might be a fabulous man. But get a hold of
somebody from Zimbabwe that you know, or somebody who you know,
who knows somebody you know? I know somebody who knows somebody.
That's what you need to do. You know, ask them to go there and
find out about him. Is he a good guy? Hey, wait, I kid you not
there's a there's a man in Kuwait. I swear by Allah. Two different
times. I get phone calls from two different women that are both from
out from from outside of Kuwait. They're they're foreigners from
Kuwait, Revert sisters who met him online. He's, he's religious and
he's teaching me my Deen. And you know, he's so good. He has done
this so many times he marries a girl brings her in, puts her in a
miserable situation. What's her almost like as a prisoner, that
they ended up running away from him? And I ended up with two of
them. And then I was like, how do you tell people about this?
Because these girls are not asking. But the brothers known
Subhanallah so find someone you know if he's in Zimbabwe. Sisters,
contact somebody. Anybody go to the masjid go everywhere and say,
Listen, I need somebody here in Zimbabwe. Yeah, I need somebody to
check out this man before I decide I want him or not. And the same
with the sisters. There are ladies all over the world who are like
yes, I'm a good woman marry me this, this and this. And they turn
out to be liars and cheaters and stealing the money of the men. So
Subhanallah investigate this is you don't just jump into a
marriage. The brother has to be known the sister has to be known.
Guys, I know it's not what you want to hear. I know it's not what
you want to hear. You want to hear about no strings easy, just you
know, like Fast and Furious. Guys. Like also I have to add something.
As a Western woman I'm a convert to Islam or revert to Islam.
I bring these preconceptions of me to love and marriage and you know,
it's all lovey dovey and we will we will survive together and we
will you know, we will live off of bread and water because we love
each other. This is not Islam. And there's nothing wrong with having
expectations from the man. There's nothing wrong with having
expectations from the woman. You know, I find that the Revert man
is much more able to get what he wants than we the Revert women who
have grown up in that
environment where you, you know what, like he just one of the
small things. I remember, I was once in the states getting ready
to get on an elevator. And it was like, you know, it was a kind of
deserted area. And I sat there and I was like, why am I thinking
about getting on this elevator? And there was a man there. You
know what I mean? Why am I thinking about getting on this
elevator? Why am I not thinking about protecting myself? I'm
actually thinking, This man is gonna think that I don't trust
him. I don't know this man.
Getting married the same thing. We have all these preconceived things
that we as Western women have grown up with. And most Western
women would be like, ah, you know, I can assume that he's bad. And
they'll get on the elevator. We Western women will say I can't I
can't go and investigate him. That's bad. Why would I
investigate the man that I'm going to marry? Why would I ask about
him? Why would I not trust him? Why? You know, he's a Muslim. It's
okay. No, we can't take these preconceived notions, you go to
the Muslim countries, before a man will marry his daughter to
anybody. That man has to go through the grinder. I actually
know of one family where they were looking up his tickets online. How
many tickets does he have? And they said,
You had too many driving tickets. He's like they're gonna be he's
gonna be driving my grandkids around Subhan Allah, I think is
worth remembering as well. I mean, and noting that guys in an ideal
scenario, this is not you, the sister doing all of this because I
think one of the biggest issues that we face at the moment in this
big marriage crisis, the situation is how women are basically having
to find someone for themselves without a Wali, without a walk
heel without backing and it's for many different reasons. I'm not
blaming anyone, but it is an issue. Right? It is an issue. It
is the reason why women are marrying unsuitable men because
maybe we got the fields maybe he said exactly what we needed to
hear maybe we just into him, you know, maybe we're just desperate
maybe we're just so lonely. Whatever the case may be. Many
women are marrying men that their father would not approve off of he
was involved right? That many women we do we you end up in a
situation that a any male relative that was caring and responsible
for you would not allow you to do that. So guys, that might be a
litmus test, especially because we have so many sisters who are
trying to find a husband without any support from their family or
any men around us try to use that as a litmus test, whatever the
arrangement that you are discussing whatever the man is
that you're considering, firstly, get your wali or kill involved or
find someone who can help you to vet this guy as the first thing.
And the second thing is the litmus test for you. And this is
something that I advise you know, for us to do with our daughters
and our relatives is what would my father say? What would my you
know? What would her father say? What would my father say? If I had
a male relative that knew his Deen right and knew what Allah subhanaw
taala requires and what marriage is supposed to be and knows me?
Would he give us the green light yes or no? And a lot of the time
you find the answer is actually he actually wouldn't he would be like
No What are you doing like are you kidding right now like what what
do you what did you know he would just be like slapping up and say
Wake up what do you you know? This is This is just This is silly.
This is dumb you know this you know this is a mistake. But
anyway,
I digress. Since everybody is is mashallah loving you. They said
you have to come back on the platform. You have to come back on
the channel. Please tell everyone where they can find you. I know
you're on Instagram you're on YouTube does give us the details
of how we can reach you. And then next panel come on insha Allah
give me a second and let me do a share screen. Okay.
And I'm going to
have Do I go down this okay, let me go down to the bottom
I have it all here. That's how you can follow me.
Can you see that? Yes, I can. hamdulillah she's like Hello,
Hayden. Why can Maya come? So I have the YouTube Sharifa Carlo on
unit Islander Lucia. I have the Twitter Islam Quran Allah
and then I have two Instagrams ones just a personal one. So this
Slavic one is from Quran Allah underscore Twitter and then
actually for Carlo under Lucia for Tik Tok. Wow, mashallah Tik Tok to
you are ahead of the curve
All right
all right so it's just like a local okay, we really thank you so
much for taking time out and also for jumping on the stream as soon
as you got in from the airport May Allah bless I'm
very thrilled that they got me here. It was like right on time so
I'm so grateful just like a local offenses and we'll see you next
time you're on the channel insha Allah have a fantastic evening of
Salaam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh Allah consider
right so Masha Allah hamdulillah hamdulillah guys all right,
Sharif, if you can give me back the screen inshallah. That will be
wonderful. Okay, guys, onwards and upwards, onwards and upwards.
Okay, so inshallah our next panel is the fire panel is one that
everybody has been waiting for, I'm sure all evening, and that is
our brothers panel. And our brothers are going to be speaking
about how a Muslim man prepares for marriage. Now, why is this
relevant? Well, we have brothers who are watching, so we want them
to benefit. We also have sisters who want to marry men.
So it's beneficial for them so that they can recognize when a
brother is prepared or preparing. We also have mothers and fathers
watching. This is for you. Can you help your son through this talk
and know what he needs to be able to prepare for marriage? I
certainly hope so. Insha Allah so I'm going to bring on my next
guests. Just bear with me in sha Allah. Let's see. Let's see. Let's
see. Let's see. Let's see. Let's see.
Let me bring in Brother Mohammed
is our celebrity for today Masha Allah.
We've got
a channel favorite, rather say Takuma is here as well. That's me.
And I've got
Shelby Hudson as well Masha Allah who also is a channel favorite and
was my first guest on the marriage conversation. So super, super
excited to have these brothers with us. Salaam Alaikum. Brother
Mohammed Salman Khan brothers as they call him, ma'am Showbie.
Brothers panel, obviously excited Masha Allah says I cannot qualify
for taking time out of your busy schedules and away from your
families to address us.
As I said, this talk in sha Allah
Bismillah I'm hoping that this conversation that you brothers
will lead will be something that our young brothers can learn from,
and that our older brothers can learn from the young sisters can
learn from other older sisters can learn from and that parents can
learn from this is a really big thing for me. Because I think that
if we can get it right as parents with bringing up the next
generation upon the correct way of of being married or preparing for
marriage, or seeing marriage, etc. We've saved them a lot of the
heavy lifting that we're having to do now as this generation in sha
Allah. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to come off the video,
I'm going to let you guys take over in sha Allah just if you want
to just introduce yourselves. I would like if you tell us who you
are, what you do and how long you've been married. Let's start
there in sha Allah just like hello Helen Bismillah taken away How
does a Muslim man prepare for marriage
choose me and who is going to be the Emir you guys have to choose.
I'll be I'll be I'll be a co panelist and Charlotte kind of
facilitator shots.
My dear brothers
and say it was almost full autonomy. I spoke to my blessing
the calf to you. So yeah, just a quick introduction. My name is
Mohammed Malik Al Hamdulillah was blessed to be a part of this last
year as Pamela this incredible conference that was so beneficial
mashallah Tyler we have incredible reviews. So a bit about me. I
guess I'm just kind of an you know, you can say in the
entrepreneurial startup space, and I've worked as a co founder of an
Islamic ed tech company called towards faith where we work
together with establish reveal as well we're struggling and I guess
my kind of, you know, introduction to this space was through working
with a few companies I've worked in first with with muzmatch now
called Moz. As their you can say bit of an ambassador for them. The
billboard guy that's me. And then after that, worked with salaams,
as well as well as Sana matches and a few other companies in
Between as well so hamdulillah I've worked with these incredible
companies, you know Muslim companies that are doing
incredible work in this space helping brothers and sisters get
married including with coaches and other people that have really lost
the name put me in touch with actually so we lost planet Allah
bless sister NEMA for the work that she's doing to genuinely help
people you know, find the right one and build themselves to find
the right person as well. So that's me in a nutshell. And over
to the Start should be Shala slowly quite a lot. Yeah, my name
is should be super honored to be part of this panel. Unfortunately,
last year, I couldn't join the CES NEMA kindly invited me in super
thrilled to be a part of the panelists here in sha Allah. So
yeah, with myself handle I've been married for a good couple of years
now. Maybe just over three years, I've got one year old daughter and
in law, and for the past six years, I've been working with the
new cat company, and as an imam. So we've actually officiated and
conducted more than I think we're on over as a team, maybe more than
600 Nick so when he's up and down the country abroad, as well, so
we've worked with hundreds of couples hamdulillah over the
years, I myself have maybe done half of those. So more than 300
and NICUs ceremonies and counting in Sharla. So yeah, it's been a
great journey. So I'm heavily involved in the marriage space,
day to day working with couples in my teaching, involvements, as
well, running seminars, on marriages, etc. So yeah, super
excited for the conversation today Inshallah, over to South.
America to My name is a Tacoma,
also known as Mariam Lim was husband.
We've been married for 31 years. We have a 25 year old and a 20
year old.
I am the Chairman of the Board of development initiative for West
Africa. We're involved in all sorts of social welfare, welfare
programs, misconceptions of Islam
by preventing violence against women. gifted child programs where
we have we have written scholarship program for girls and
unmarried men, I have been counseling couples, premarital
unmarried married couples for the last 20 years. So I'm coming in
with that background. And hopefully, we will pick up where
we left off last year. I want to commend versus the name robbers
like the other two brothers had done. I was on the panel with
Brother Mohammed last year and we had a very interesting exchange
and discussions and I look forward to something more productive this
year. Sister mentioned parents and all sorts of people that need to
be enrolled and insha Allah. I think you have the right group of
people that will deliver the message inshallah.
sha Allah is assistant I was obviously you know, back to back
stuff like last year and Scheffer say the mashallah just feedback.
It was incredible, like the feedback that we got for for the
advice that you gave, which is of course something that only comes
with experience and the years that you've mashallah Tyler, putting in
not only your own relationship, of course, the counseling that you've
done and you know, start should be the courses that you run with face
to face for Sharla Tyler that you absolutely incredible as well as
Charlottetown. And like, you know, the liquid gold as some of the
people should feel that it is. So I'll go to my more experienced
brothers for me as it's really been about two and a half months
now.
Of course, if you're gonna go
on here, handler, you know, so over to
newbie, absolutely via over two. And obviously, the journey has
been a long one. For me, you can say but Hamdulillah you know,
picked up a few things over the time. But I would love to go to
Chef say and I know it was such a bit as well after that to get your
thoughts on Yeah, how should our brothers prepare what's what's
what's your like? What's the first thoughts that come to your mind
chefs I?
First and foremost, our brother Muhammad is the sister talked
about.
It has to be Allah first knowing your deen
and that's where it should start. And then there are various verses
in the Quran that emphasize the importance of marriage. Even
though Rasulullah sallallahu sallam said it's a sunnah he
highly encourages it.
But the preparation what it takes and so many other sunnah Hadees
that came afterwards, when Azula Salah Salem is describing the role
of the husband and the father to the wife, and when you go to
certain desire when he talks about marriage and so many other suitors
in the Holy Quran that clearly emphasize the
importance of marriage not just to the husband and the wife, but to
the community and the OMA at large, to the extent that when one
goes to seek a wife or a suicide of salaam said, you can make a
woman or her beauty, her wealth, her genealogy, and her piety. But
he said, our up the face of the man who might is a woman other
than her piety in mud. And the reason why that is, is when you
embark on is to her, you ask Allah to guide you in making the right
choice that will be beneficial to you and the lady to both families,
yours and that older lady, and to the OMA at large, it's not just
about the two of you. It involves the OMA, so you want to be an
asset to society, then it then metamorphosize or transforms into
having children. And the implication of being right, the
right husband, the right wife, having the right foundation, the
right background, the right knowledge, the right spirituality,
understanding the restaurant responsibilities of each one, the
husband being the degree of the wife, being the leader, and the
teacher and the father and the lover and the confidant, all
rolled into one, you have to understand that. And then you
embark on this journey. And ultimately, the ultimate objective
is we meet in general.
So it's not the way we kind of romanticize it. As much as there
is love and romance and marriage is far more serious than that far,
much more deeper than that. And to understand the implication, the
long term implications when you do it, right. You raise the children,
right? There's a hadith courtesy, when in Jannah, Allah keeps
elevating your status as parents, why? Because you raise the
children, right? And they continue to pray for you because they are
good Muslims. So it's not just I saw I like I married and so on.
No, you have to think even after we're dead and go on what follows
us, I'll just like to,
say the love, I love that, quote, I want to own a t shirt with that
I saw I liked I married, I said, you know, I saw that. And I think
it's kind of just before we want to hear from our beloved status,
Mashallah. But what you mentioned over here just reminded me of how
the metaphysical reality we often focus on this physical reality of
getting heads getting very powerful and, you know, earning
your, you know, having a good level of earning,
taking, taking different paths, Bob, taking different means, you
know, having going on apps going to events, when we forget, what
you're saying is that you're about the metaphysical reality is at the
end of the day is risk. And one of the Imams, I think it was at the
bar, maybe some should be knows, but it's, he swore an oath by
Allah that a pious wife is nothing but a gift from Allah subhanaw
taala. So you can go and go to different events and all these
types of things. But unless Allah subhanaw taala decides to give to
you it, then it's, you know, you're never gonna get that type
of, maybe you find some sort of woman that maybe a month or two
salejaw is only, you know, also salamis, dunya, metab. This world
is just a fleeting thing, right? It's just a fleeting thing. And
the greatest thing in this dunya is to find how Omar autosol has
said, so we'll get into here. We'll start doing, shall we? Your
thoughts as well, Chatelet? I
think his mic is off.
Yeah.
Yes. Oh, I think there's Chautala feel free to maybe plug it back in
and out. It's good. It doesn't seem perfect.
To both of you for the intro, yeah. I think you know, it's such
an important place to start, because most of the time when we
when we begin with the discussions of preparation, right? I think
spiritual preparation is a must we have to start from there. And
Hamdulillah you know, with you both, you know, referring to those
verses in the Quran, you know, the the narration from the Sunnah.
That's that's where we start from, right? Because when you ask a
Muslim ultimately, why do you want to get married? Yes, you can say
companionship, love all of these things, right? But as Muslims,
ultimately everything that we do, whether it's our daily, a bar,
that our prayer act of acts of worship, charity, etc, we do it
for the sake of Allah. So why would marriage be any different?
You know, marriage is such an important life decision that
you're making. It's life changing, not just for one of you, but for
two of you, right? So you have to also start there in the same place
and say, Yes, I'm getting married for the sake of Allah. And this is
also as Muslims why we believe our even even our love is governed by
a higher being right? We don't believe in love just for the sake
of love. You know, like
Like the word propagates to be in a love of I got married because I
love this person. That's not actually enough. I mean,
psychologists and researchers, they've done the studies, right?
Love is not a strong enough basis and foundation for marriage if you
just marry purely for love, that's not enough, right? And that
marriage is not going to last. But our love is very different.
Because hopefully law right, you know, we love for the sake of
Allah. And when you love for the sake of God, a higher purpose,
that's very different to just loving something for the sake of
your desire. Because that love can, can can come and go, like,
like, Brother Mohammed use the term attack, you know, this
fleeting kind of enjoyment, it comes and goes, right. So yeah, I
think that's where we start from, we start from while you're getting
married, it's for the sake of Allah, like, this is not just a
life decision, a quick decisions that I'm making, because I just
want to make myself happy. No, you want to make a las Panatela happy,
right? You want to make your spouse happy, you want to make
yourself happy. That's where you start from. So I think getting
into that mindset, first and foremost, is very important. I
think once you've gotten yourself into that mindset mindset, where
you're on the path of the deen now, and you're on the path of
Allah, then everything else that comes, you know, all the other
reasons for getting married handler, those are all good, but
they're second, and the one
was going to be primary. So I think that it's important for us.
Just to just the point, I think sister name I mentioned in the
previous when I was eavesdropping in the previous stream about this
litmus test for sisters to think is this a brother that my father
would approve of routes going beyond this shadow? I know I was
Allah subhanaw taala says literally our ATM and it talked
about Isla hoho as Have you have you seen the one who used to have
taken their desires as the law as they got so if
none of another thing is to practice delayed gratification, so
there may be a sister who you're extremely attracted to Subhana
line absolutely head over heels. But is that good for you? She has
never been a to me are you mentioned about this sort of
slavery that can occur right? So this is maybe going into some some
territory a little bit controversial, but often some
brothers would say to you, that it's better not to marry a sister
who you're extremely, extremely attracted to or Bukka severe he
meant you know, he wanted his son to you know divorce from from from
his wife because of how she you know, his extreme love of her
prevented him from scholarly pursuits and other things. So you
have to really be Be careful here because you know, what such a bit
is mentioning over here about this extreme kind of, you know,
obsessive kind of focusing on your shower, this is not your one or to
practice delayed gratification looking beyond the surface looking
to that which is which has remained which remains after all
this has gone to Kerala so so often what we find this is just a
general experience a lot of brothers have mentioned to me, so
brothers that kind of overlook sisters who may not be extremely
attractive, perhaps you're overlooking the fact that they've
developed certain characteristic traits, which is often the case
with sisters who, whose for them that so many doors haven't been
opened just for the slightly more prettier sisters who for example,
they're the most popular just because of their looks like
they've had a lot of doors open for them, so they haven't had the
chance to develop. So brothers, I think one of the key things that
I've been told as always to kind of you know, develop that long
sightedness Is this a sister? It was Pamela one brother mentioned
today in the video, you look from the lens of is this woman? Or is
this the woman the one that will be the first school to my
children, right is this woman that can really be a mother to my
children rather than is assuming that's going to satisfy my desire.
This is of course a very important thing. But it's not the be all and
end all. So I love that you know, think long term and that that ties
into what we want brothers to be to get ready for marriage think
long term things strategy as well as Charlotte Allah. First Aid.
I want to pick up from where brother Shabbir said,
when we worship for the sake of Allah, when we marry, we're
supposed to also do that for the sake of Allah. And then touch upon
a little bit what the previous speaker talked about parents.
My experience came from my father's experience with the
marriages. He got into
that his lifetime who was married to seven women. And very early in
my upbringing, he would sit with me and explain the challenges he
was having as a husband. That was when I got the idea. See what was
going on. And I chose not to go through the same thing. But what
was important then was my father was at that stage praying for me.
For Allah to give me the right wife,
and so was my mother. And we would talk about the mistakes he made as
a house
Have them and would tell me not to repeat the same thing. So what I
started doing and I want the brothers to be used to listen
carefully about this is, I started asking myself how many of those
characteristics that were negative of my father that I inherited.
Now, that's tough to do to look at your Father, who, with all
humility, told you, I'm fallible, I'm not perfect, and I've made
mistakes. And I don't want you to make the same mistakes. So very
early, I want a quest to learn. What does it take to be a good
husband?
Throughout all that period, my father, mother, also pray, may
Allah bless you with a good wife. So two parents listening, as soon
as they are born, male or female, please stop praying to Allah to
give them good spouses, good wives and good husbands. Now, as I grew
older, I just kept asking myself, which of those qualities that are
not admirable, or inherited? What do I do to improve to change
myself? When we got as men looking for the right, lady? There are
right ladies who are also looking for the right men. It's not the
question of you finding the right woman. Are you the right man? Have
you taken a journey into the self, a journey of self discovery to
know who you are? And the moment you decide you discover those
challenges? None of us are perfect. We all have shortcomings.
What efforts are you making, to change yourself to improve
yourself, it's not possible to do it by yourself. So you're also
seeking Allah's help in being a better person. So there is a
spirituality, the seeking of knowledge, the understanding of
the self, and the pursuit, we will never attain perfection, but the
pursuit of constantly improving. And this is something that you do
on your own before you go out searching, you take care of
yourself first, before you go out searching. Now, my blessing was a
father who said, I'm like this, I'm like that I'm like this. And
he would joke and say, You know what, see, I see some of my
tendencies in you, you know, and you get scared, you're like,
really? What do I do about this, but if a father or even a mother
can give a child, this gift of life lessons, there is nothing I
found more valuable than my father admitted to me is fallibility and
his imperfection. And to warn me, don't be like me, it's tough. And
I don't think many of us will, will have the courage to be able
to dissect our parents and say, they are bad here. They are good
here. They're average there, you know, but once he opened that
door, I mean, I am still on a journey. I still am. And I'm
constantly looking to improve. Even after being my 31 years, I'm
still seeking knowledge, I'm still working to improve.
I'm so I'm so glad that you mentioned and touched on this
point, to be honest with you, because I think that's that's
again, you know, once we've discussed spiritual preparation,
it's literally all about self discovery. Too many people are
looking for, you know, the perfect and ideal spouse but not willing
to become the perfect ideal spouse themselves. Of course, there's no
such thing as perfection, but we got to try, right, we've got to
try to do the best that we can. And this is, again, an Islamic
concept of a son of being to the best level possible, reaching that
level of excellence. Right.
And I love this point of starting with yourself, because I think a
lot of young, especially young guys out there make this mistake
of just looking okay, we have a whole list, you know, subhanAllah
you look at the criteria, yes, the list, there's that 52 things that
they want immediately, right. And you know, they haven't they
haven't sat down, they haven't thought about it properly. They
just, this is what the world has given me, this is what I expect.
This is what you know, I just assumed that I'm going to
naturally get in a woman. And so finally, it's just so it's so
naive sometimes when you speak to some of these guys, and you have
to sit down with them. And you have to start with them. Well, you
know, what about you? And you mentioned the point of self
discovery right in again Maha Sabha so sometimes I think the
first starting point is just you yourself sitting down, taking some
time out, getting up a notepad if necessary. And just thinking like
all those bad traits that you might have one of those negative
traits, any bad habits, sit them out and and you know, put them to
one side and think, Is this something which, you know, my
other half that
Anybody would tolerate is that something which would work in a
marriage in a basic easy example might be the way you react to a
disagreement. It could be something so small, it doesn't
have to be it doesn't have to be an a full blown argument. It could
just be someone disagree with you on a tiny thing. Is Ronaldo better
is messy, better? Young guys understand this example. Right? So
how I've seen people get heated over this, you know, they can't
they can't understand. They can't take no, no, how dare you small
disagreement. So if that's you, and you can't, you can't, you
can't take a basic disagreement, you don't know how to handle it,
then that's something you've got to sit down with and think I need
help before I get married, because when you get married, you guys
know there's going to be lots of disagreements, right? I mean,
small things, major things, big things like decisions, there's
going to be, there's going to be huge, huge disagreements. So you
have to start from that as an example. And I think the point
that you should say those of you know, your parents, parents, your
close ones, those that know, the best, again, ask them, it's a very
uncomfortable conversation to have. But look at your very close
friends, family members, go to them and ask them, hey, you know,
what would you advise me, you know, teachers, mentors, guides,
etc, those who know you very well, don't just go to any random
person. Again, it's uncomfortable. So you've got to be ready to hear
the uncomfortable truths, right? If you're not ready for it, then
again, that might lead to a worse situation, right? It might even
break that relationship with that person. But be like, listen,
listen, I'm going to be in I'm going to be humble and sincere
enough to listen to what you have to say, for the next five minutes,
lay it down.
You know, they might, they might turn around and say X, Y, Zed, and
then you just got to, you got to digest that. And I think, okay, if
this person has pointed out, they know me, they've known me for the
last 30 years of my life, and that there must be something that there
must be some basis to it. So I think starting with that, starting
with yourself, your close ones, your teachers, taking that
feedback on board, and then fixing that and working towards that, and
Sharla it will be hugely, hugely useful for you going into a
marriage and relationship.
Convention. I think that's a really, really personal points you
both mentioned. What's so that's to me, was this idea of emotional
regulation is a person 800 We haven't got our brother on here.
But brother Nasir, I mean, I've definitely asked my Miss to check
him out. But you know, CBT talks about looking at your thoughts,
right and seeing not being reactionary because essentially a
one if you were to be a rock support for your family, a leader
really our job, our moon out in this, I haven't said to be mindful
because of the federal us peninsula has given the men over
the women. So are you able to be that rock that support that what
women really crave and need in a man in that masculine energy that
you bring in? And, you know, subhanAllah should be mentioned
about you know, and you both mentioned about how we want we
have this list, you know, we want you know, what is pretty much a
traditional wife, right? Somebody who's soft, feminine, submissive,
but are you working on being a traditional man? Are you working
to being that provider, that protector, being you know, a
leader in your family? Do you have those things, it's not a one way,
one way thing whereby you can get all you want in a place. It's just
not, you know, this instant gratification economy, it doesn't
apply to marriage at all. And what was mentioned about kind of this
has to be one full circle, you know, take an audit of yourself. I
think one really good tool that I lost by there's all ages, whether
you're 10, to you know, 3550 Wherever you are, wheel of life is
a really, really good tool. So if you just Google wheel of life, and
you can split it up how you like, I often do kind of, you know,
where's my Deen was my Quran? Where's my Quran? Where's my
Salawat where am I with my Noah Phil? You know that famous Hadith
you know that about the hub of Allah subhanaw taala that is the
fatwa eight that's the number one thing that you have to pattern
with your wife and children were to see that my my father, he's
delaying his Salah Do you want your children you and your wife to
follow suit on amount of stars he mentioned that the you know, your
wife and your kids they often teach you more than what you can
teach them they like a constant CCTV, whereby they're following
what you're doing if they take if they see a weakness in you and
your salawat and you add cada Saba That's karma sir. They will follow
suit they will also be weak with the lemon verdict so what I love
what you brought both you Masha Allah Tala My dear brothers
mentioned about taking the real audit hard look and also going to
those friends sent a survey those those close to you so that from
from the root word, truthful, those real brothers that don't
dust in your face but are really truthful and give you constructive
criticism. Say okay, please, please advise me my brother, if
you really love me for the sake of Allah. We've either journey
together we've either went to school together, we are the traded
together. You know me well. So tell me what are those things that
I need to work on? And work on those in sha Allah think of those
as liquid gold and solid tantalizing place for you so you
can be a better husband and inshallah to Allah, a better
father and in the future better grandfather Charlottetown as well.
I just wanted to continue along that path, which is once you've
taken the audit, like brother Muhammad is saying and also really
Shabbir also emphasize, then you have to have the honesty,
sincerity, courage, and ability to accept and take ownership, not
sweep it under the rug,
and then start working on it. Now this is before you met a lady
before you met anybody before you've been introduced to anybody.
When I was introduced to Marian, and for three years, that's what I
did. I mean, I hadn't committed. But we were talking. And I
realized I had a lot of skeletons in the cupboard. And I realized at
that time, I was honest with myself at that stage, I wouldn't
have made a good husband. I just knew it. My concern was, What
right did I have to take an innocent woman from her home and
subjected her to my shortcomings? That will be the most self
centered, selfish and caring thing I could do? While I'm professing
love.
So it's a contradiction. So I said, Okay, what I need to do is
fix myself. And I've told this story several times. We got
married, we discussed a lot. And after the marriage brothers, I
realized I hadn't done much, I thought, I've done a lot, but I
had a lot of problems there. So the first decision I made was, I
told him, I said, I want to seek your indulgence, ask you that we
hold off having children until I am ready to be, you know, a good
father, I'm working on being a good husband, but I haven't gotten
there yet. So it's got a long story short, it took us six years
to get to that point. And before we had children, we planned how to
raise children before the children came for all the obvious reasons
that both of you have touched upon. But just to go back a little
bit. When I finally came out to marry Marian, her father had me
investigated by by five people, character, attitude, mannerisms,
how I talk to people, whether I'm superior to them, or inferior to
them, Do they smoke they drink, he even wanted to know that I wear
jewelry under law. I wasn't into any of that.
And then, after he was satisfied with the outcome of the
investigation, he said they should embark on Easter Hara, Maryam the
mother, may Allah have mercy on them Sheikh and they want a hijab,
actually, her brother nurudeen Muslim and some other scholars
that he trusted. So when I heard that I went back to my father and
I said, Oh, they're embarking on St. Hara. My father said social
weed, but we would add three days of fasting. That is to her. But
then he asked me a very critical question. He says, say eat if
Allah shows us that she is not the right one for you. Will you be
willing to walk away?
And because we are interested in Allah with this, I didn't even
hesitate. I said to my father. Absolutely. And that's how it
went. So when the sister that spoke before we came on, was
talking about investigation, investigate, investigate,
investigate, this is the one time where you are not committing a sin
when you're trying to find out about the character of somebody
you're about to embark on this lifetime journey with. So we
shouldn't be offended. I wasn't offended when I found out I was
being investigated. I was like, I hope to God and I know everything
I've done, and I think I will pass. And then when the is the
hurricane, of course, asked me to make the choice for me, make the
choice for me. And we all have to understand this. If we want
success truly from this world to the hereafter, we should put a
faith in Allah to guide us in making the right selection, you
will never lose, you will never lose. So I'll stop there. I don't
know brother sugar has something to say if I had
Salam Alaikum May I just interject for a second inshallah? Because my
apologies. One issue that's come up so many times in over the last
year on the channel is the issue of men leading men being in their
masculine, how that impacts the dynamic when a man is not capable
of leading how that impacts the dynamic within the home, etc. Also
men wanting to lead but finding that women don't want to be led.
So I'm curious to know, can how can a young man develop the right
leadership qualities in order for just as brother said he'd said to
be able to step into that role with confidence? And I'm thinking
we've talked about the the sort of personal, is there anything he can
do to actually sort of develop those qualities to practice and
also get his money right because I want to talk
About the money side as well, I want to make sure that we don't
leave that. But what do you got? What are your thoughts?
Sure, maybe I'll just mention a few quick quick points as a shout
out, I would love to hear what the brothers saying. But one thing
that kept coming in my mind when you when you're talking about that
is how can a brother cultivate this? I think I'm very biased
here. But jujitsu is an incredible, incredible sports.
Brazilian jujitsu and specifically specifically for many Muslim
brothers are doing this is incredible, you know, to have a
lot if I don't have a sister, but if I had a sister, I would make
sure that I'm gonna get making her getting her married to a brother
that can you know, protect himself at least you know, that is all
right in sha Allah Tala, you know, that's able to kind of look after
himself. And I think, you know, self defense, in particular,
Brazilian jujitsu. There's this brotherhood that you get handler,
and this ability to kind of like take lead, take the action, and
there's so many other things that you can do, of course, and the key
thing is stepping out of your comfort zone, right? Whether
that's public speaking, being an incredible speaker, like the
brothers over here in Chinatown and doing something outside of
your comfort zone, every week, at least some other say every day, do
something, do a workout, do some sort of, you know, be cold
showers, hit workout that is very difficult. On the lungs, it just
it just builds this ion kind of mindset, right? So you know that
you're preparing yourself in sha Allah Allah for adversity and
adversity doesn't feel that bad at Charlottetown. So you're the one
that people can rely upon. And you are in your masculine essentially,
what is your masculine you are there to kind of protect provide,
you are there Charlotte, Tara to look after your loved ones, the
sha Allah. So these are some of the things that came to my mind in
terms of money. It's very, very important for our young brothers
to focus on a particular subjects that are vocational. So something
that would land you in actual kind of career, but also not limit
yourself to a nine to five years. So so let's say you're studying,
you've have something in your mind, that fulfills a golden
ratio, right? Something that sorry, the golden formula, which
is, you're good at it.
You know, the world needs it. And this is something that you can
kind of, essentially make money from three things, right? Buddies
there, the world needs, and you're good at it. It could be anything.
It could be, you know, radiography, by the way, which is
a government funded degree in the UK where it could be whatever it
is, you know, accounting and finance leads to a career I'm not
in favor myself, I've got going for a career that you know, of
going for a subject, studying that doesn't lead to anything, right.
So that's, that's one thing. But then the second thing is to then
aim higher Sharla Tyler, I want our brothers to be you know, sort
of said if you want gender ask fulfill those, right? And it said
brother should be spoke about. So what is doing something that is
impactful? Again, I'll keep using the example of our brother should
be of mashallah to Allah. He's set up Nikka CO, helped so many people
get married to Pamela. And on top of that, you know, Faith space, as
well as trial attire. And these are things that are self
sustaining, they're not looking for any handouts. These are these
are projects, these are companies that are running, and that are
kind of self sustaining and have an impact. And my head on my
heart, I think the only way for us to have impact is through
entrepreneurship, through setting up companies like like our start
shipping, and of course, chefs who are doing so don't limit us have a
career have that drop that nine to five, but also from that five to
nine after the after your job on the weekends. Focus on some sort
of a side hustle Well, I'm not gonna say too much. I'm gonna say
this, you know, take a look at the podcast called Side Hustle that
way Sharla to Allah, you're really building yourself up for success
allowing yourself to spend time with your family and allow
yourself to spend time with Bella Bella LM seeking knowledge and
really benefiting that on that having that focus as both brothers
are saying beyond yourself. First you draw a circle around yourself
a ring around yourself, then around you and your parents and
then you draw a ring around you and your your wife, your children
and then you draw inshallah to Allah we can draw, you know,
bigger and bigger rings until we looking after our community than
we are looking after our entire Ummah Inshallah, to Allah. So this
is the kind of the long term vision that we should all aspire
to as young brothers that make it to get married inshallah and over
to our brothers, Simon Schama Talon.
A Hamdulillah. Brother Muhammad has addressed issues to do those
who I believe adults, either on the verge of going into university
or in it or out, and skills acquisition intrapreneurship is
critical. But I want to take it a step back. When we look at the
responsibilities of parents to children, we talk about good
character, and sound, useful education, be it Islamic and
second. Among the things we're supposed to do for our kids is
also teach them financial literacy, both male and female.
Understanding how to make money understanding how to build wealth,
distinguishing between a
Need one are not being carried away by commercialism and
marketing of, you know, that's happening out there, not to be
carried away and be confused and distracted by that. I remember
telling myself, my wife will never be a matching shoe and handbag.
And I have no basis. Fashion is something that my wife doesn't
follow. And we discussed it in great length, where that doesn't
control her life. She is not hooked on fashion, she's not
addicted to fashion, she just wears what's right, what's
acceptable and morally Islamically acceptable. And she defines a
roadmap. So these are some of the things that are important from the
home, when they are children, to start teaching them early, the
importance of responsibility as men and as women, these skills are
not to be taught to just men alone, women are also to be taught
these skills, financial independence is something that we
hear I mean, we look at ourselves, and Hadith God, Allah, you know,
and we can see a wealthy woman who might or Salah Sadio Salam, and
even employed him. So it's not about say, putting the man
superior when it comes to earning a livelihood over the women. But
yes, because of that status that Allah gave us as heads of
households, we do have that responsible responsibility of
catering to the family. But parents right now should
understand they have an important role to play in preparing their
children, both male and female, and adjusting to the real world
what what Brother Muhammad is saying about, you know, classic
education, the chemistry is the mathematics, the algebra, I mean,
physics, biology, of course, we need those in schools. But when
you go into the social sciences, there's so many degrees, another
one, earn your livelihood. So let's be more practical, in
guiding career guidance for our children in directing them in the
right path, so that they are ready. And they can use whether
their hands their intellect, you know, to earn a livelihood, I live
in America for 21 years. And one of the most interesting things I
observed was when you meet blue collar workers, we didn't go to
college, they went to trade, school, vocational schools, and so
on. They were making money, more money than those of us who went to
university, you know, because of the skills they have in building
and so many other things. So we need to be, we shift from the
classic old idea of knowledge of education, to a more realistic
one, because of the way the world has changed. So that they are
ready to meet up with their responsibilities as husbands and
as files.
Excellent points, I'm just going to add very quickly, especially if
we're talking to the younger kind of group of men now, part of this
generation, maybe perhaps looking to get married. I think Brother
Muhammad touched on it really is
experimentation, I think it's so important, they're getting
yourself out of your comfort zone. As they say, in Arabic, you know,
Phil Halaqaat, Valcartier, you know, in movements, there's more
blessings, right? So the more movement you make, the more you're
out of your comfort zone, you're gonna gain a lot more from that.
So when it comes to getting married, when it comes to them
being you know, the man of the household, right? You're not
someone who is just so accustomed to being comfortable, right?
Because the more comfortable you are, you know, adversity strikes,
you're not going to handle it well.
You know, in life, and we know how Volatile Life can be, if anything
changes in life slightly. You have to learn how to adjust. And if you
haven't experimented and done things, especially in your younger
years, this is what Allah gave us those younger years, right? I
mean, there's a reason why our Prophet Mohammed sideslip was
granted revelation at the age of 40. Because anything before that
was just a build up of his character and who he was, if he
was granted revelation, and we say this with all due respect, because
he is, you know, sort of like similar. But if he was granted
revelation at the age of 2025, they wouldn't have been as
effective we know this, right? But age of 40 prime age mashallah, you
know, lots of experience lots of experimenting from the business
world, to being a shepherd, you know, already a father already a
husband, already, someone who's known in this community, already,
someone who's experienced even on the battlefield as well. He's
experienced different things. And he wasn't just someone who sat
there and was comfortable. He was not a stranger to adversity. He
was someone who's been through all of that. So my message, I guess,
for the younger folk now, is don't get too comfortable. I think
there's just this comfort zone that a lot of us are in which
which ties in with the whole aspect of preparing for marriage
or even maturity as well. Because what really helps with maturity,
not just emotional maturity, physical maturity, spiritual
maturity, all of these areas right is the more experience and the
more exposure you've had the
even just to live so life, so you know, get involved, like I said,
you know, most of the brothers have already mentioned, don't just
go down the comfortable route of, okay, I'm just gonna go to college
with the bare minimum, go to university to the bare minimum
graduate and just get the bare minimum done in that time in those
prime years that you have, right volunteer, start a side hustle,
get involved in something fitness in all of these things, select
Sharla, by your even, let's just say mid 20s, late 20s, you've got
an array of experience, you've really tried different things out,
you're not comfortable and you've tried. So I think that's one thing
that a lot of younger folk aren't as accustomed to today, they're
becoming a lot more comfortable. So definitely experiment, try
things and Shala when it comes to, you know, when it comes to the
time for marriage,
you will realize all of those years of experience, it might not
be a lot, but even those 345 years of experience will really help
inshallah. So that was just the point. You want to dimension. Can
I Can I ask a quick question to both of you. When we when we talk
about this generation,
this generation seems to have a sense of entitlement.
And that's a big worry. Now, who is responsible for this?
Because
we're talking about men becoming men to lead households. And I
think we like digressed a little bit when the financial issue came
up. And I think Brother Mohammed answered that when he talked about
jujitsu, and so on and so forth. And my worry is we have young men
today, because as parents, we give them everything.
We don't make them go through what you just talked about, whether
should be or we don't. And because for some reason, we felt that when
because we didn't get, we want to live our lives vicariously through
our children, in the process damaging them, because we're not
helping them by giving them everything, we should actually
hold it back. And I would like I would like parents to really,
really take a step back and see what they are doing what we're all
doing. Are we doing the right thing? Are we preparing our
children really to become independent, self sufficient
leaders of households? Or are we creating a dependency system that
keeps landing them in divorces, because the women are expecting
certain things from them. But in what we call love, we
overcompensate. And then we have the in the state of my way, we end
up finding our selves, having the husband or wife living with us,
we're paying, they're making their car payments, where we're paying
their student loans. We're doing all these things, and we think
it's okay, but we are causing damage. And then what kind of
parents are they going to be? Yeah, you know, I'm just throwing
this up. So I don't know what your brother's
some some immediate thoughts that come to my mind. I mean, there's,
there's, there's so many different things, whether it's even, you
know, the contribution of social media and instant gratification, I
think, I think we all agree, is a huge thing. We're not going to go
into that right now. self sufficiency is a huge is a huge
one, you know, the term that you mentioned chef's aid, something
that a lot of kids today, they don't have a sense of they don't
have any sense of self sufficiency is probably you know, when I, when
I moved out of my home, had to go and study seven, eight years, you
know, not I'm not saying my father left me, he helped me. But he also
taught me that sense of, you're out there in the real world now,
my son go and make it work. And I had to find ways and make it work,
right. Whereas today, it will be no, you know, the rent the house,
the food, you know, everything is there, and you're just wrapped in
this bubble. SubhanAllah. Right. So there's no sense of like,
adversity, no sense of difficulty. And we know difficulty is what
shapes that person. So I think, definitely, I think parents have a
huge, you know, huge role to play in this, right? Social media has
has a role to play. The the kids themselves, of course, have a role
to play, we can't take away responsibility, self
accountability from them, because they also need to realize,
unfortunately, not just gonna, you're not always going to get a
prize for last place, you know,
you're not going to get a prize all the time. But for third place,
you know, sometimes you're just going to lose in life, you can't
get something just, you can't always get a tap on the pat on the
back. So I think there's that mindset as well. Now, even if I
fail, I want to gain something from it. You know, in nowadays,
it's like, even if someone feels that we've made huge mistakes,
they can still post about that failure on LinkedIn and get a
million likes on that same post and people will be like, you know,
what, you're so brave for for admitting your failures. Okay, I
agree with that to some extent, but then now the person feels good
about failing. You know, I mean, so, all of these things, I feel
like you know, but I think self sufficiency is is definitely a big
one that we should talk about you
Really,
both I think the thing that came to my mind was a saying so there
was during the zenith of one of the, I think, was ambassador,
caliphate before they went tumbling down. It was essentially,
there was a saying that our love has killed our son. Right. So to
the extent that the next talent that was to be appointed, was
loved so much, it was almost his cognitive choking, he wasn't able
to, you know, fight on the battlefield. He wasn't able to be
a statesman, he didn't know anything about the economy because
he was loved too much. So this idea of killing your children,
particularly your sons, right, so, our brother, Americans, Allah, He
mentioned something really, really personally he said, you know, men,
I like muscle, whereas women are like skin men are men to go
through more of these kind of adversities to build themselves
are the women that you know, you protect, there's a level of
protecting them. And subhanAllah There's that famous saying, of
course, that good time, good times lead to weak men, weak men leads
to bad times And subhanAllah, one of the worst times our Alma faced
was the fitna during early for the Allah ones time, and he said, he
came to the pulpit, you know, giving a hutzpah, he said, we are
in time we were in need of leejohn a foreign men of action, right? So
this whole whole idea of coming out of your mind. And you do in
that audit, as we mentioned, equality that you look at what
what plate were you given? For some of us it is, you know,
parents that weren't there weren't emotion, there was no emotional
support and such for others, it was too much support. So you then
seek out those adversities. And what better than what was searched
for beer was talking about experimenting, having, because
that ties in perfectly with this idea of being detached, right. So
you're experimenting, you're using some of your time to to run a
project, and you're not too attached to it as well. And these
are the most so I run a program for entrepreneurs when they build
companies, FinTech companies, financial technology companies,
and the best performing entrepreneurs are those that are
detached from their company and have this level of detachment.
However, they are almost like a scientist and this this plays
really well into this idea of the man being you know, almost stoic
and Charlotte and somebody that doesn't complain too much. And he
follows it'd be it'd be cool but a salon like I said in the school,
but they were hosting me in Allah indeed the only complaint and only
grieve to Allah subhanaw taala and of course you need your brothers
there to you know to bounce off ideas sometimes you're going
through some difficulty you talk to them. Mental health is very
very important at the end of the day, not being that whinging
whining person but going out there and experimenting is panela and
then taking that time your youth you know take five before five
your youth before old age making sure that you're using what Allah
subhanaw taala has given you Allah Farah was said to have these you
know bounties Allah subhanaw taala has figured you know, given me
don't take advantage of and so your good health and your Farrar
as well your free time What are you doing with that? Are you
scrolling through Tik Tok? Are you worsening your dopamine receptors
and making them more you know, you're becoming an instant
gratification seeker? Or are you being that person that's able to
override those dopamine responses and becoming that person that is a
good well rounded Muslim and a good well rounded husband and a
shorter taller father as well. So panda large as I can, I'll fail
and I need to jump in because there's a very, I know our ladies
are coming in next first I just want to say a beat as I come along
halen brothers you've just packed so much benefit into literally the
short, not even an hour. So firstly, just like a little fade.
And I have a question because up to now we've had all sisters
panels and sisters, you know, talking, and we are of the opinion
that we should go back to encouraging early marriage. And so
as mothers, we are keen to marry our children off as young as
possible, however, as men as fathers, would you advise that for
your sons? Would you want your son to marry young? Or do you think
that that's an as a man, do you think that's not a good move? It's
better that he waves into the head that he does more of the work
you're talking about? What's your view on it? By the way, Assistant,
Eva? How are we defining young here
early 20s, late teens early 20s. So before 25 Definitely, but like
2122 23 that kind of age.
Even younger, some people were saying sorry, I must say that as
well. But yeah, I mean, say take that as you will.
And I
one of the things I found out during during during counseling is
maturity reaches people at different ages. We cannot just say
generally speaking, young man should get married at 20 or 20. I
had no clue who I was, and I wouldn't have made a good husband
not even 25 I
thing that hit around 27. But that's me, I it can be
generalized. Across the board, you will find people at 20, who are
more mature than someone to 35, you know, more intelligent, more
experienced in terms of like skills, and so on and so forth. So
I think it's an individual thing. But for the sisters,
I got married to Marian when she was 18.
My approach was at that stage, I wasn't only a husband, I was also
a teacher. what that entailed was, I had to have some of the maturity
that Brother Mohammed mentioned earlier on in this discussion, and
also the intellect to lead and guide and the patience to tolerate
certain behavior, that maturity wise wasn't up to my level. So
that was what I had to do. And I can understand her father,
Marion's Father, may Allah have mercy on him, felt because of the
way she was stubborn. And he told me quite honestly, she was as
stubborn as he was. She had to get married before she went to
university. And I saw where he was coming from. And taking on that
responsibility required me to attain certain level of intellect
of knowledge of patience, including humility, and so on, and
so forth.
So I hear the sisters, but I'm a bit concerned about the brothers,
because of the role Allah has designated for us as leaders of
the household, that it has to be on an individual basis, how mature
is the and so on and so forth. younger sisters getting married,
if you have the right husband, with the right mindset, with the
right level of spirituality, in our connection to Allah, positive
curiosity in learning and also teaching so they grow together. I
made it a point Mariam and I to grow together from the moment we
got married, she became a student, a wife, of course, a lover, but a
student, and everything I knew, you know, part of what caused our
fight was I was impatient. I felt she wasn't learning fast enough.
But that was the objective, but how quickly can I raise to my
level that we are as much as equals as possible, with my role
as the leader, as Allah has said, but I hear the sisters, and I
totally understand and empathize. And because of the way the world
is now, I really see their point. I don't know what the brothers
have to say. In that regard.
I completely agree with you. I think it is definitely case by
case. For me, you know, I always advise, especially young younger
men, I say, Look, if you're if you're three broad areas,
generally speaking, you need to look at number one is the personal
emotional maturity level. The second is the spiritual maturity
level. And the third is the financial maturity level. And
those to be honest with you are very broad, so I can't I can't
break them down financial maturity doesn't mean that you have a lot
of money. A person can have a lot of money, but still be financially
immature, as personal maturity does not mean that you're 30 years
old, does that does not guarantee I know a lot of 2829 year old men
who Subhanallah unfortunate I'm not very mature, because all they
know is video games and no sense of responsibility. So I think
those broad areas, if you can tick those boxes and say you're fairly
mature in those areas, then you then you know, you're, you're on a
good route, you're on the right, you know, on the road, to getting
to that level of being more prepared. I'm going to just
address one final point, if that's okay, which is I'm seeing it in
the comments a lot. And I hear it especially from a lot of young
men, university students, etc, which is, you know, get married
young, we need to get married young because there's a lot of
fitna out there, it's very difficult, etc, etc. And as much
as I agree with you, there is a lot of fitna out there, I just
want to mention a couple of important points here. Which is
that yes, you know, if you're in a position to get married, and
everybody quotes that famous had the into the process, and we said
yeah, I'm actually Shabaab, you know, oh, young men money Stoppa
men comb affiliate is always whoever has the ability, and
that's the key word here. Whoever has the ability to get married,
then let them get married. Everybody focuses on the first
part. Now the prophets I saw him said, Oh, young men, and then they
skip the middle part. And they say, yes, there's always get
married. So therefore, every young man could be married. Yes, not
necessarily. I mean, he said, if you have the means, and one of the
means is not just financial, but also the means physically,
emotionally, to get married, right. So I do agree there is a
lot of fitna out there, but a a when you get married fitna doesn't
disappear. Right? Yet further does not disappear off to get my
there's still a lot of kids out there be if you don't have any
level of self control.
No, no sense of restraint. And you think marriage is going to be a
quick fix to that, then that's another big mistake that you're
making. So I just wanted to add those important points. Because
yes, you can see this fitting out there. But isn't that the whole
purpose of fitna, and you know that fitna is supposed to be a
test? Yes, yeah. Of course it spits it out there. So I think
it's not just as easy as saying fitna marriage. I think we have
to, again, come back to the first thing that we mentioned guys,
audit work on yourself best. And that Sharla
said, you know, so again, Elon, NASA Bush, our teammate, nessa
number one, right so I feel for you also said, you know, the
greatest fitna is
Subhanallah, what should be mentioned, very, very personal.
It's my own lived experience, right?
And before I mentioned my lived experience, you'll remember Allah
has Allah He mentioned.
Dina says, the men, the advice is to be to be better or higher in
forcings, compared to your wife that your prospective spouse is to
be up in age, be greater in age be greater in height to be greater in
lineage and wealth as well. Right? So this is what modern data was in
all this kind of manosphere space, or the red pill space, or whatever
it is, personal development space, we call this hypergamy, right? In
inter gender dynamics, all that type of stuff. There's a very
simple thing, what I would say in my experience, like my first time
I was married, I was 20 years old. And I was hyped up on this idea of
kind of, you know, the ISO brothers. Everyone's like, you
know, exactly what that should be mentioned, is that you know, this
hadith Minister of Health, I mean, who, yeah, Bashar Al Shabaab, oh,
you young people, but it still applies. I mean, who can from you
who has the ability, we don't focus on that bit. So the ability
has to be there, emotional intelligence, emotional
regulation, your ability to be that rock to be that provider,
very, very important thing to have that have and I believe
personally, these four things what your mama Sally mentioned, as
though it's a very good barometer to tell you whether this is a good
match, although there may be those that may be marrying a woman who's
older than you, maybe some woman that's taller than you, who's got
more wealth than you may work. But this is a good barometer to have,
in your mind. I'm just saying to save you, that you know, to give
you a good idea, cuz that's somebody as well. So even in the
West Subhanallah I think data according to Tinder, you know,
it's stuff a lot of the tools tend to word is for women tend to match
men who are around about five years, their senior so even in the
West, we've got this idea of wanting to look up to your man. So
I would say to the young brothers, you know, either marry somebody
who's you know, what my sister and I are mentioned ready to go for a
younger woman who's perhaps you can lead in these regards, or, you
know, wait Sharla to Allah, until you have the ability, you have the
ability to provide and do all these things that will excel
should be said so, as eloquently as Hannah so six succinctly as
well, mashallah to Allah. So I want to touch on that beyond.
I actually don't want you to go anywhere, we don't want you to get
to go. We want to keep asking you questions. But one last thing. So
if your son comes to you, I can I get so the we were saying? It
depends. Obviously, there's no hard and fast rule. But there are
certain qualities that a young man would need to be developing or
have developed in order for him to basically not mess up.
Do you think that as parents we should be? And again, you see,
this is why I'm asking this question in this space, because a
mother's mother's prerogative is to protect and to nurture and to
to cuddle to a certain extent. So many mothers said, I would support
my son, if he came to me and he said, I want to marry this girl. I
would tell him, it's okay, we'll support you. Even if financially
he can't do everything, we'd say it's okay. We'll help you so that
the marriage can take place. Now, we were talking about this earlier
today. And we're saying the way that women mother and the way that
father's father is quite different, obviously, fathers are
more likely to push the son out of the nest, to tell him to figure it
out to say, Son, if you can't handle it, it's not happening.
What's your response? If your wife said, Look, our son miskeen, he
wants to get married. The girl is nice. I've vetted her. But you
know, he's not really there yet. Do you think that you would say
no, he needs to he needs to man up and get there, then we can talk?
Or do you feel that even the marriage itself could be a part of
his formation, a part of him actually, that jump that he needs
to make? And I know everyone's gonna have something different to
say, but I think as the fathers and as the men, I think it's
important for us to kind of get your views on this issue.
Okay, I got it because I have a 25 year old right now and we've been
talking about him getting married.
What I said earlier still applies parents to do their job in raising
this
Sons and even daughters correctly. But
what what we seem to be lacking as Muslims, a lot of premarital
counseling services. And Merriman, I worked on establishing one. And
it goes through so many things, even personality tests, and so on
and so forth. A lot of the things brother Muhammad and brother
Shabbir talked about. And it has like 72 videos ranging from three
to I think, like 30 minutes, and exercises and access to the likes
of Sheikh Omar Soleimani Muslim man, obviously a man Sheikh Mufti
Menk, and so many other scholars. So this program takes you through
how you do the personality test, you understand who you are. And we
talk about financial independence, and being responsible how you
handle anger, like, I think, Brother Mohammed, or whether sugar
talked about how you react to anger when you're challenged, and
so on, and so forth. We need brothers and sisters, to take
these premarital counseling courses. And to go through the
process, we've had situations a certain way, by the time they were
done both
the couple, you know, who were like looking to get married, they
went their separate ways. We've had situations where invitations
were sent out, this was set, the manager's council was canceled,
because realistically speaking, they realize it's not going to
work. I mean, you don't go into a marriage, trying to change
somebody, no, you have to understand their personalities and
how you're going to work together, to complement one another, and to
grow together and to learn and grow together to build a family
together to create your own unique culture. What What bothers me is
we're dealing with a lot of the kinds of cases you're talking
about now system name, where parents get the support, that
dependency doesn't stop. I know the case where even when the wife
is about to I cook potatoes, they appealed in his mother's house,
and then brought to her to cook. That's how bad the dependency got.
So when mothers want to do this a nurturer, they have to be careful,
they may be setting up their children for failure.
So, I mean, we have to find a balance between the nurturing and
the pushing of the Father's do, but a lot of guidance and seeking
seeking a guidance premarital counseling, and to talk to people
also who have had years and years of experience who have been up and
down, you know, peaks and valleys have had challenges and how they
overcame them. And to ask them, What would you have done
differently in your first second or third year, knowing what you
know, now 30 years down the road?
I'm going to stop here. And I think premarital counseling is
key, in addition to what parents would have prepared their kids for
before they get to that stage.
I think that's fair, I think if the if the boy, you know, is
making the effort to you know, take counseling and to train
himself up into shows that he's got some grasp of the
responsibilities, etc. I think that's that's fair. I think that's
phasing as a barometer to say, but are you really ready, though? What
what do you guys think before we close up in sha Allah? Does that
go ahead?
Yeah, 100% agreed, you know, in Arabic, that there's a saying, and
we hire to hire them in a large that prevention basically is
better than cure. And I think young couples today that they're
waiting for, you know, for things to get bad and rough. And then and
then they're trying to look for the cure the quick fix, whereas
exactly what should I say there's mentioned is the the premarital
counseling is the prevention in the first place, that knowledge
that you gain. And again, for young Muslim men as part of your
preparation for getting married, it is very essential to gain
knowledge. You know, we talked, we spoke about experimenting, using
your time wisely. And one of the things that you need to do in the
your early or prime years, rather, is to take in as much knowledge as
you can, and to humble yourself and to take in as much knowledge
as you can listen to the people around you observe, learn things,
pick things up. And we're not just talking about skills. And we're
not just talking about Islamic knowledge. By the way, I'm not
just saying Go and study the fit of marriage. If you study fit,
then that's it. You know, everything about marriage covers,
you know, one tiny aspect, it does not cover the practical elements
does not cover the day to day, you're not going to be sitting
there every day with your wife saying, Okay, I read and I studied
that this Imam said, you need to do this. And she's going to quote
another imam who says you should be doing this stuff. And then it
just goes round, right? It's just a it's just a bunch of legalities
that you're throwing at each other. So fifth is
is a good study that but other aspects of marriage of life or
finances, there's so many books written on finances, right? The
Psychology of money die with zero is a really interesting book that
I personally read this year. Right? And so on and so forth. So
reading, taking things in sitting with scholars, etc, etc, I think,
I think that is, you know, as a parent, you know, if your child
comes to you, I think it's very fair for you to turn around to
them and say, Okay, fine, you know, I can support you in this
decision of yours. But you need to prove to me that, you know, you're
ready to get married, right? And it's not enough for you to just
turn around. It wasn't enough for me to turn around to my parents
and just saying, Yes, I'm ready to get married. I had to prove to
them, I had to show it to them. Right. I remember someone, one of
my brothers once said to me, Look, you've got to show to them that
you're a man now. I'm the youngest of three brothers. So you're not
just you know, the baby anymore. Because they treat you like that
you've got to show that you're a man. And in my head at the time,
you know, I'm in my early 20s thinking, what does that mean? How
do I show that I'm a man, right? And there's little little things.
And as parents, you would know, right? It's small things that,
that reflect and demonstrate to the parent, okay, my child is not
just a child or a baby anymore. I think that's very fair thing for
the parent channel and say, prove to me them. And one of the ways
is, like we said, premarital counseling, learning, showing that
you've, you've taken the initiative yourself to go and land
at one small example out of many. Yeah.
Just a quick, quick point, as well, just from from my side, the
child's name I mentioned about this dynamic of how, you know, you
know, the, the, our, our sisters may be very supportive of
supporting their young sons to get married, right. But I think making
two points in one here that is very, very important to have that,
you know, male figure, either that, you know, if it's a single
mother, we're talking about, you know, there should be some sort of
a male figure there who's very close to your son, as able whether
you know, you're taller, taller, ideally, the father of the child
is able to ascertain what brothers should be at what stage should be
at. And so they were mentioning about these proof points, give me
those proof points. And he should have a very good close
relationship to that because let me be honest sisters, you may not
like to hear this, but you as a mother, you can't be both the
mother and the father. There always has to be and we often
quote or Imam Falon. You know, shiftless, whatever, had didn't
have a father just had the mother. There was always a fatherly figure
in the in the picture, whether that was an imam or a sheikh or
somebody like that. It's very essential if you're to read the
boy crisis panela it just highlights about the the crisis of
you know, young lads not having that fatherly figure, so, a
fatherly figure or a father will ascertain, I believe, with all due
respect, whether this young man has the proof points, to be able
to then inshallah to Allah when they provide for his his wife as
well and in sha Allah, you can even you know, do his thing setup
as a brother O'Brien is mentioned once that brother
was what he mentioned. They can show whereby you just you know,
you don't you don't own a car, but both are chilling at their parents
homes, right in order to kind of have that we've had examples like
that I went to school called elbowed today in front of we had
assisted the school, but how old were we maybe like 15 or something
like that she would already mashallah Tala married to a
brother arriva brother. So have a lot that showed and prove that you
had a plan. He had something that he was doing. He knew what he was
doing. And he was able to then get the trust of the father a
Charlotte Allah. And yeah, this is you know, Jonathan, there is
definitely a case we mentioned about fit. And I know brothers
living in London, or cities like that there's a lot of fitness
panela for our young brothers out there, you know, they playing
football, whatever they're doing. It's a very tempting Taos Hala,
where it's just a click away, right? It's, you know, it's
literally a click away. And so if you're in that scenario, analog,
and chill type of setup may be much, much better than falling
into the haram. But, you know, we're playing in Saudi Arabia, but
man is well aware of his own state. So that should be
communicated. And that's the key over here communication as well
with a child. Sometimes a child might just inflate this issue that
hold this sweatshirt and I was like, bro, where's the Fit number
we're talking about? You know, you're chilling at home most of
the time. I see. I see you just chilling by if it's the case, then
definitely Chautala sisters do support your young sons to get
married early in Sharla time if they can prove what the brothers
should be side of the truth as well. Does that color color hair
please May Allah bless every one of you. We really appreciate you
making the time to join us yet again and hopefully next year.
Inshallah we'll see you at the next conference. But even Allah
and may our last panel dial up, bless your families with every
fear and allow you to continue to be role models for your families
and allow you to impact other men and women out there.
Before we leave, I know that we have a surprise and that surprise
is that was there the seed as Hammond calls and shifts aid
Tacoma has a course. Masha Allah Tabata kala Yes. Am I right
brother Saeed? Yes, we have the premarital counseling and if the
viewers or audience will go to Meriam laemmle.com
fastest fingers would get a free course. And the password for it is
the EAD S A ID 10. So the fastest 10 fingers that will get to that
website will get it for free wherever they would come. And the
password is so easy. 10 first and three for every marital
counseling. That guys yes, I've seen the course it is extremely,
extremely comprehensive. Mashallah. So I've put the link in
the comments on YouTube on the chat on YouTube and in the chat on
Zoom guys, it's www dot Merriam lembu.com When you go to the
homepage just scroll down slightly you'll actually see the box that
says claim you know, the 10 spaces and it says yes is for brothers
and sisters. Yes, it's for married and unmarried. And the guys it's
so easy. The code is right there on the page. You don't even have
to remember what the code is it's right there on the homepage 10
fastest fingers grab it now while you can insha Allah and may Allah
bestie for all the work that you're doing does that come along
here and brothers
thank you so much for having us. Yes, more than welcome
Alhamdulillah Okay everyone, here we go in sha Allah let us keep it
moving. I have kept the sisters waiting and everybody take a deep
breath insha Allah take a deep breath so those of you who have
gone on to the website let us know once you have managed to get
through to see if those first 10 have managed to grab a free access
to the Merriam Lim was
pre marital training course in sha Allah
that was a lot Masha Allah so much to to process but we cannot we
cannot stop because we have our last talk of the night. And that
is we are even handed on this channel guys okay, we are even
handed we do not only speak to women who do not only speak to men
when speak to both because it will require both parties leveling up
in order to create the types of marriages that Allah smart Allah
is most pleased with right so for those of you i It's so interesting
to me slow ecosystem so how are you?
Well you can
check out some awesome ecosystem and learn more
because
this
guy's a handler HANDLER handler lovely to be here and glad that we
could catch you know the brother session as well and I listened to
all the tips and it's been an absolutely stellar start to the
conference on handler I'd like to apologize for keeping you waiting.
Last year when we did the brothers panel it went for two and a half
hours so
that today it was a condensed version Masha Allah, but I was I
was I follow the conference along in the chat in YouTube. And people
were saying, oh, you know, I didn't expect these brothers to
say what they're saying. And I want to just remind everyone of
the the ethos of this channel, and that is taking personal
responsibility, taking ourselves to account men and women. Okay,
this isn't a space where we blame others for our situation. It's not
a space, a space where women blame men. And it's not a space where I
will allow men to blame women. We're not playing a blame game. We
are here to learn, to grow, to evolve, to take responsibility for
ourselves and be accountable for ourselves so that we can improve
our situation in sha Allah. Okay, so of course, we just had a
conversation about how men can prepare for marriage and sisters.
What did you think of the advice and you managed to catch some of
it? I know Masha, Allah says Marian, your husband said that you
guys are looking for your son like you're having conversations about
him getting married now he's 25 I think right? Yes, Alhamdulillah
he's not yet ready to get married, he says but we're having a lot of
discussions and Alhamdulillah they spent a lot of time watching us
talk about marriage. So they've gotten the premarital and I gave
my son access to the course because I was like, when I created
my premarital course it was the two of you I had in mind. I wanted
to make sure if Allah if I don't live to see when you actually get
married, that I've died empty, that I've drained myself of every
last thing I would want
to share with you for you to know before you get married, so my
oldest son Alhamdulillah, has gone through the entire course even
went through my entire PowerPoint scripts, you know, that I used in
addition to watching the videos. So Alhamdulillah I think there
couldn't be anything that we've left out. But yes, that
conversation started.
May Allah put all the baraka in it and give them spouses of the
coolness of their eyes, this desire, your kids are not quite
there yet. Not quite there. But I think I'm very much even though
humbly, long, 10 years in, I still feel like day one. And I was
thinking back to when I wanted to get married, I wanted to get
married at 18. So when you were asking, you know, would you let
your child get married young, I'm very thankful for, you know, the
guidance of my parents and having them, you know, be very much part
of that process. Because even though I wanted to get married
early, I'm very happy that the people that were around me who
were the potentials, my parents were like, No, that's not what we
want for you.
Subhanallah because that would have been the wrong decision, to
be honest with you. I'm so humbled, I still got married
relatively early. I was 2122. But, you know, 18, perhaps I was ready,
perhaps, maybe I wasn't. But definitely the people who were
around this and reasons for wanting to get married, which the
brothers had mentioned the fitna that this that they would not have
lasted the test of time, if that makes sense. So I know the
situation is different for everyone. But you know, I
resonated a bit with, you know, what was shared at the end? Yeah,
no, I think so. I think there's definitely something to be said
for, you know, something that we've been talking about on this
channel is, you know, if you're getting married, to fulfilment to
fulfill a short term need, it's likely to be a short term
marriage. Would you agree with that? 100%.
Maria, what say you to that I know you're nodding vigorously.
One of the early topics I cover in my premarital course is get
married for the right reasons, a lot of people succumb to getting
married due to pressure either self inflicted, or pressure from
loved ones, or from people who just said, You know what your
biological clock is ticking, you need to get married, pronto, and
so on. And then you have people who get married because of wealth,
they get married, because they want to leave a toxic home
thinking it's going to be an escape, some get married, because
they want to run from fitna, they want to be in a halal relationship
and let the intimacy be legit. However, I say, You know what,
you're not gonna be being intimate, like rabbits for the
rest of your lives.
But there's gonna be more that you need, you know, a true
relationship involves more than just passion. And you know,
intimacy, there is so much more if you're looking for wealth.
I have a friend who I'm counseling, my husband and I are
counseling right now. And her husband literally is a
billionaire. And they are busking on the beach somewhere. But she
sent me a message complaining bitterly how, you know, some of
his friends have come all the way to their vacation destination to
have meetings with him. He's always on his phone, they don't
sleep till around 4am Because he's doing business with people on the
other end of the world. And she's like, well, there's no happiness,
I can have anything I want. I can travel anywhere I want, but I
don't have my husband. So and then some people want to have kids,
that's why they want to get married. And I was like, You know
what,
there is going to be so much more to that relationship, your child
deserves to see you too in love you to set the right example you
too happy. And if your focus is just on the child and just let me
get married, you may make the wrong choice and find this isn't
the right parent, for my child, you know, and you are going
through so much chaos, that you raise a dysfunctional child. And
at the end of the day, you're gonna have to answer to allow for
it. So there is so much more than just getting married, you know,
that one needs to put into place and I think amongst the things
that other speakers the men just shared is you need to be in order,
you know? Yes. Okay, so before we get onto that, let me press record
on this thing because now we're going to start off with shooting
ads. Okay, that was just the preamble.
selesa Welcome, everyone. Welcome to our final session of day one of
the secrets of successful marriage conference 2020 to 23. I am
blessed and honored to have my sister Maryam Limbo with us again.
Mashallah, we are blessed. And for the first time in this
conversation, sisters ahora from the unfree her network, does that
clock in and ladies for taking time out of your schedules to come
and talk to us about how Muslim women should prepare for marriage?
We just had a conversation with your husband and other brothers
about how young men should prepare. What is your guidance or
what is your advice for young women? How can they prepare for
marriage? We can all take you want to go first.
Hello, thank you so much, Auntie. This one I find a house so that's
awesome. I sort of love it. He was
Have you so much of mine? So thank you so much for having me byxis
And Hamdulillah, when we were having our pre conversation, just
now, I mentioned that I'm coming up to the 10 year mark of my
marriage. And so, you know, it's been a definitely been a season of
a lot of reflection for me personally. And as I also
mentioned, I feel like even though, you know, it's been 10
years, I still very much feel like a newlywed. And so you know, this
advice that, you know, I'm reflecting on is not only for
those who are preparing for marriage, but even those who are
in at any stage of marriage, particularly that early stages,
because 10 years seems like a long time. But I think that anybody who
has been married, can attest to the fact that it does not feel
like 10 years, it just goes by so quickly. Subhanallah and, you
know, yeah, so that's kind of like the preamble. In terms of
preparation for marriage, I was making notes. And, you know, I
think that the very first thing that sort of helped me in my
process of, of finding my spouse was being very clear on what I
wanted. But unfortunately, the process maybe or fortunately,
unfortunately, the process of you know, clarifying that list meant
that I had to have some experiences that were hit or miss,
essentially, I had to, you know, I had to tap turn down engagement, I
had to go through heartbreaks, I had to also experience life in a
way to be able to then determine and say, Actually, this is what I
really want. These are, these are, these are my non negotiables. This
I thought wasn't on because I'm six foot one, I'm very tall. So I
used to always think that be having someone taller than me was
a criteria until I met someone that I seriously considered
someone that was significantly shorter than me. And I realized,
oh, wait a second, this actually isn't a deal breaker. And so going
through that process, I think made it made it easy. No, I wouldn't
say easy for me, but I using that process, I was very clear on what
I wanted. And I think that you know, you need to go I went on a
on a customer development journey. During those years, I will say
between around like 18 and 21, when I got married those three
years, were really a lot of years of staff growth and personal
development for me, because I needed to get to know who I was as
a person. And through that process, get to know who my rep
was. And that helps me to then understand, okay, this is the type
of person that I want. So I think that that is my first point and
I'll leave it there. So we can have one scenario is to be very
clear on what you're looking for. But in order to get that clarity,
you need to know yourself and you need to know you're
absolutely beautifully put and actually that's also one of my
top, which is self awareness, personal growth, you need to be in
order many people say oh, you know, my marriage will complete me
or my spouse will complete me or when I get married, I'll be happy
and I was like, if they meet you in that state where you're broken
or you're a mess, and you know you are needy, you end up becoming a
burden on some unsuspecting innocent person who was looking
for hopefully happily ever after and the end up being a babysitter
to you. So I know definitely I'm with you on that. You mentioned
the rub Of course, your relationship with your Lord you
have to
find your center you know and have this balance and harmony in your
life and for me, I believe, you know, number one is Allah for us.
My dad raised me on that, um, hold on tight to Allah's rope, be God
fearing, but at the same time, be eager to please your Lord. And I
think for every human being every Muslim who gets married with those
two things, you know, afraid of offending Allah forces you to go
and find out okay, what's going on Please Allah, and what does Allah
definitely not want? And I swear, if more marriages had people come
into this union with that in mind, number one, what would please
Allah is know your rights and responsibilities, know your
obligations to one another because you are now going to go do your
homework. I often say it's so much easier to get married than to get
a driver's license. If you're going to get even a job, you have
to do some research on the company you're gonna work with, what are
what's the schedule of duty, what have others in that position, done
to succeed, you know, how do you climb up the corporate ladder, or
you know, at least get a promotion and impress your boss. But when it
comes to impressing our boss up there, we just go in blind, we
dive in in the deep end and then learn to swim afterwards. And
unfortunately, when there is so much at stake, Allah does not hold
us to account on whether we climbed up the corporate ladder in
our job in our careers, but he will hold us accountable for this
contract that we invoked him to be present and witness, you know, to
witness. Again, you wouldn't sign a contract with someone without
reading the nitty gritty fine lines and looking for the weasel
words in there. Yet we go in and go into an agreement in the
Presence of Allah as a witness a contract, and we know nothing
about it. My husband and I have counseled couples who've been
married up to 50
yours and Allah He, they don't know their rights and obligations
yet that's what Allah is going to ask us about when it comes to this
related relationship that we went into. So, for me, I think you
know, Allah first, me myself and I get yourself in order, these are
all important to do before you get married. Because if you are also
aware of Allah and conscious of Allah, you most likely look for
someone with those same qualities, who's eager to please his maker,
and that makes it so much easier because you're starting off
Inshallah, you know, on the right foundation, then for me, the third
is, you know, get yourself you know, self love, self care,
including health wise, physically, you know, get your routines in
place so that this person meets you in that state, you know, learn
to have boundaries, these are all things you also need to have
beforehand, have a healthy relationship with yourself. I have
a healthy relationship with your maker. And with Allah's creation,
I think I'll stop there and put a semicolon
I love that for the semicolon. Okay, so it does that color Cool,
okay. And I think mashallah, this has been the theme of today is,
you know, it being about Allah subhanaw taala, and US grounding
ourselves with our intention.
So there's a few things that I would like to address a sister,
Miriam, you you picked up on, you know, the we talked about, a woman
is married for four things, and we talked about this actually, in a
previous previous live or earlier on in the stream. And you'd
mentioned being in order, right, like you said, getting your
routines in place, okay. And I did a workshop in London, where it
was, it was called Understanding your value as a Muslim wife. So
understanding obviously, having cognition of and appreciating your
value in other what you bring, as a Muslim wife, race specific guys,
not your value as a human being not a value just as a woman, not
your value as a colleague, but as a Muslim wife. And we talked about
why people get married, what they're looking for. And we delved
into this hadith of a woman is married for four. And we went
through a process similar to what you were saying, sister Marian,
where I asked them to take themselves to do like an audit
almost, of how they stack up with regards to all four. And it was so
amazing, because, for example, okay, so a woman is married for
her beauty first one right? Now, a lot of people may not have grown
up being told that they were beautiful, right? And then
probably majority of people have not have just grown up, maybe not
being the top and the one everybody noticed, etc. But what I
said to the sisters was and I say this to my daughters, you at least
must be able to acknowledge what is unique and beautiful and good
about yourself. Right? And, and, and know how to play to your
strengths as a woman. So we're talking about in a feminine way
here, right? If you're elegant and tall, like sisters a Hara,
mashallah, you carry that, right? If you're small and petite, you
carry that, you know, if you have gorgeous dark skin, you carry
that, you know, if you've got curly hair, whatever it is, right?
We talked about and everybody in the workshop had to actually sit
and I gave them a good five minutes to think about their
looks. What they do to maintain their looks. So Face Body,
Fitness, Health, you know, how they dress, you know, how they
present themselves, you know, how they move. And by the end of that,
I think that there was a shift, right? Because firstly, they were
able to see, you know, a woman been married for her beauty as
more than just code does your face. Are you attractive, like
Instagram attractive? But what else do you have with you that a
man would appreciate and value? So we did the beauty, then the
wealth. And wealth was wonderful because people think, well, I
either have money or I don't. But there's more to it than that.
Because maybe you have money and that's great. But what a man would
value about his wife having some kind of financial literacy is you
know how to spend, you know how to save, you understand the value of
money, you understand how money works, you know, if you need to
budget you know how to do that. You know how to economize you
know, how to make money work for you. These are skills we can all
acquire. So, again, this is in, in the spirit of how can a woman
prepare for marriage? These are the things that I would tell
sisters to look at. How are you with money? Are you in debt? Are
you a careless spender? Because of now mashallah a lot of sisters do
have their own money and they'll get into like their 20s and they
are already earning. So taking yourself to account you know, have
you used your last three years of paychecks to buy bags and shoes,
Sister Maria, we were told that you're not a matching bag and
shoes.
Brothers, I told us that. What do you guys think? Well, firstly,
with regards to the beauty side of things, because I do think it's
important for us to address this from an Islamic holistic
perspective. Because if we don't address
So, that aspect of being a woman and being feminine then we leave
them to the internet and the standards from the internet etc.
And we ignore the guidance from this hadith, right? But what are
your thoughts on the beauty aspect first, then we can go to the
wealth.
So, one of the one of the things I had written down in terms of
preparing for marriage is like going to your gynecologist stand
in front of a mirror, without any clothes up, get in tune and in
touch with your body. Read Brother Habib, I found these books. Do you
know I mean, I think that it's very, very important for us to get
in touch with ourselves and to maintain that connection with
ourselves throughout throughout marriage. So self care, you know,
we always say self care is not selfish. You need to have your
routines you need to look after yourself, even for yourself. For
you, as a human being as a person. I think that it's so important.
Not just because you want to get married, if that makes sense. You
need to be in touch and in tune with your femininity and embrace
your body and know how your body works and know the things that you
know make you stressed and remove the stress and because all of
those things impact you impact you in marriage when that time comes.
So what are the things to do that make you relaxed? You know, is it
like a hot tub a hot bath or the bom bom? Is it the essential oils?
Is it giving yourself like a hand or foot massage before you go to
bed? Is it doing your hair sometimes for me just washing my
hair. It's like
those things we need to be very, very conscious and get into our
bodies. We need to move. We need to exercise we need to stretch we
need to get out in nature walk that we really, really really need
to connect with these bodies of art. Absolutely important.
Absolutely. So you had all of the hidden up your sleeve. Okay, girl,
I see you. I see you. Alright, so So let's slow it down a little
bit. Okay, so in terms of beauty, let's let's conflate beauty,
fitness, wellness, right? The package that you come with right?
As as a woman, your feminine beauty, your feminine health, your
feminine wellness, your feminine hygiene. Hello, Mr. Mani and what
do you think about all this? Oh, beautifully said sister Zara. When
I do my personal development courses, and it's an all girls,
all women kind of group. I keep emphasizing this, just know that
you are enough. Accept yourself in all your glory, even your scars,
there's a song I love your scars are beautiful. And I keep
emphasizing that you are crafted, molded every interview by divine
design. Allah does not make mistakes. So whether it's a
complexion, whether it's what social media may consider to be
flows or society may consider or pop culture may consider to be not
attractive. For me, I own my spare tire.
glory and splendor. I'm conscious of yes, this may not fit the bill.
But I am always working towards making sure I accept myself but
I'm a work in progress. Not that I bashed myself. I'm a bit self
deprecating. My husband always calls me but I do it with so much
humor. That's why I can say a spare tire you know, and as
well. But I have to say that I'm going to push back on that a
little bit because you've earned whatever spare tire you're talking
about. Okay? We don't believe that. It's there, guys. But you've
earned it right? You've been married? What? 3132 years
mashallah, you've had two children. So I think that you get
to have that. Whereas with we're talking about young women coming
up? I do think and this may be an unpopular opinion. But I do think
that there's there's a flavor online, which encourages people to
relax into their imperfections to an extent that is actually
detrimental. So things that are actually unhealthy people are so
Oh, no, like own it is all of you like girl, you this whole you are
enough. I think when it comes to our health, and when it comes to,
you know, preserving the manner of our bodies, and I'm going to speak
specifically about health and weight here. Because we know I
don't know what it's like in Nigeria, but certainly in you
know, in the West, Muslims, people of color, whatever you want to
call it, we have issues with obesity. We have issues with heart
disease, we have issues with diabetes big time, right? And we
have more children growing up obese as well from having terrible
diets or not being active enough. And these are things that will
have a detrimental effect on you just as a as an individual, but
also it impacts when you go into spaces where you're having
conversations for men write for for my for men, yes men, you know
for for marriage, and also having children bearing children running
a home running a family. So I it's almost like I feel every time
I hear the message of kind of accepting yourself and your flaws.
I almost want to say yes, but there are limits. And we as women
shouldn't tell ourselves a story that tells us that however you are
Sis, you're fine. It's like no, no. Are you actually fine? If you
like you say you go to the gynecologist or you go to the
doctor and you get your tests done, if they come back and say,
you need to lose weight, or there is an issue with this as an issue
with that says, deal with that first, rather than, like, you
know, dismissing it, and then going online and complaining that
why don't brothers marry big girls? I don't like that attitude,
which is kind of you know what I mean, going? Absolutely. No, I
think maybe how I phrased it, definitely, I am not one to say
just let yourself go. When I say scars. I mean, from divine design,
this is how you were born. You know, whatever it is, that's not
considered to be flawless. However, when it comes to even I
joke about the issue to do with weight, but I'm actually very
ruthless with myself, when it comes to weight. Sometimes, I
actually show off and brag to my husband that I can squat more than
he can I go on walks about four to five times a week, I definitely
know I have to because I tell people I look at food and I get I
get fat. So I'm just saying that before.
I've got a sweet tooth. So I constantly have to fight the
battle of the bulge and make sure I look good, because I want to
always look attractive for my spouse, I don't. And I'm very
sensitive about it. You know, this is something I got even my dad has
very sensitive about smells. So I keep telling girls, when I do
workshops with them, I wash my hair every two days. And even that
I think it's too long. You want to always be clean, clean, even
especially where the sun don't shine, be very conscious about
using as antiperspirants and deodorants and so on. Because it's
important that you're always feeling good. It's part of you
feeling good that you are clean, you take care of yourself, but you
want to make sure your spouse also is not finding you repulsive. My
husband and I have had to counsel
couples, where the husband bases speak to her, there's this fishy
smell coming from down below. And you've had the wife say I know
he's he has repulsive bad breath, and I just don't want him kissing
me, we've had to come in and intervene, because they're finding
it awkward and embarrassing to be the one to break the news to the
spouse. So we have to do the dirty work. So for me, I'm like you
gotta recognize also when I say on it on, but not embrace everything.
Definitely, if you have body odor, it's part of what I cover. In my
course, you have certain embarrassing things that are
awkward to talk about. Make sure you recognize you have a problem
and seek professional help. If that is what you need to do.
Sometimes there are home remedies. But other times you need to see a
professional to attend to those issues. So my dear Zara, who
mentioned see a gynecologist, please see a gynecologist and
address issues when it comes to health, be ruthless. Maintain
yourself, constantly work on being toned, to the best of your
ability, but fight my husband sees me fighting to really maintain
sometimes he only needs to start working out. And within three
weeks he is he sees the result. I kind of work my butt off for six
months before I start seeing progress. So
I know so but the key thing is for us to set that right example even
for our young ones coming up to see that we are doing it. And why
are we doing it, I'm doing it for myself first and foremost, because
my body has a right over me. But I'm also doing it to make sure my
husband finds me sexy. And that's wonderful. That's what we like,
that's what we want. And that's what our girls need to hear and
see. So, you know, those of us who have daughters, encouraging them
to be physically active, you know, as they get into their teen years,
encouraging them to look after, like you said the manner of their
bodies, it will benefit them mentally, it will benefit them
emotionally and it will benefit them physically just in their use.
And then the advantage for them when they go out and they're you
know, inshallah ready to get married. There are certain issues
that they won't have to deal with, right, there's certain things that
are not going to be a problem for them, which, you know, which which
they, you know, it's it's, it's a part of who they are. It's just
their norm. They grew up with it. They've been doing it in Sharla.
Yeah, they know that this is something this is just who I am.
This is what I do.
Zara, do you have something that you wanted to add into? Or should
we move to welfare, just in terms of the weight when I think that is
a delicate balance? For sure. Yeah. Because, you know, I would
say that, you know, I'm big burned and I struggle with weight and all
of that. And so, you know, you never want to be in a place where
we are just on a perpetual diet, perpetually fights. I think that
generally as women, we need to
change our mindset, and our relationship with our weight and
our body and our health. And we need to, you know, it's like
changing that identity from, to being someone that's active and,
you know, goes out and we're like, I'm an active. So for me, one of
my kind of identity switches I had to make was, I'm an athlete. And
that has really helped me with, you know, maintaining because it's
tough. Even after two kids, your your weight, my weight has gone up
and down. Since I got married, immediately, I got engaged, I just
relaxed I was on her. So I was actually done.
Four months after my introduction, then my wedding. So if you look at
my introduction to my wedding, I had bought at least five kilos,
because I just realized you can't fish that mass, what's happening
here. So that relationship in terms of like, you're not, you're
doing it, you're not doing it for someone, you can never go on this
weight loss journey for someone else it has to be for you. And you
need to change your identity, your mindset with regards to weight and
your relationship with food and discipline, and all of that good
stuff. So it's a balance. But I think the point that I wanted to
just make this as is that please make sure that even when you're
considering marrying someone, marry someone who is compassionate
to you with regard to how you look. And I think that what has
really helped me on my consulting is up and down, generally, my way
is that my husband is very clear that I love you either way. And I
think that having that compassion and that no pressure from your
spouse actually helps a lot, especially after you have kids.
And you've put on like 15 kilos, you do not want to have a partner
who's looking at you and be like, Who's that hippopotamus that I
married? Do you know? I mean, you don't want? Hopefully not
hopefully not. But I have to say, I have to say though, again,
you've earned the right to be a hippopotamus if potamus. You shall
be okay, in a way. Right. Jani, he already chose you. Right. And he
didn't ditch you four months later. Right? So obviously, he was
okay with it. But this because I'm thinking in the context of young
women who are not married who are not engaged, you don't have
anybody yet. And I don't think it's healthy to tell unmarried
women who haven't who haven't found someone yet that look for
someone who's compassionate with you in how you're, you're dealing
with your weight, etc. Because I think it's asking quite a lot
because a man is visual. If he likes the way you look, he likes
the way you look. And if he doesn't, he doesn't, you can't
almost guilt him into liking you because well, I'm on a weight loss
journey right now, which I have seen sister saying online, where
he needs to understand where I'm at. And he needs to have like Rama
on me. So he doesn't owe you anything says like, he doesn't
even know you like that, you know, there is not a relationship there.
So I do think that sisters need to just bear in mind that at the end
of the day, for everything that falls there is a catcher, right?
But it could be that the man who's happy with you at whatever weight
isn't the man that you want, and the man you really wanted, he
would prefer for you to be fit or healthy or strong or whatever. So
get fit and healthy and strong as much as you can that is in your
power because it's just one less thing you have to worry about.
That's what I that's what I see it as and it's an investment in your
future as well, in terms of your health.
Medium. Did you want to finish up on that? Oh, should we go to the
wealth part? We can go to the wealth. Yeah. Good points, though.
Excellent points. Yeah, lots of hard hitting points.
We've talked about spare tires and hippopotamuses and everything in
between mashallah, I love it. Alhamdulillah straight talk on the
channel, guys, subscribe if you haven't liked the video and share
it. Okay, so with the wealth, my my focus for women particularly,
was if you have money, and I don't know what you guys think about
this, right? Because we have been talking a lot today about the
man's role to protect and provide and to provide for his his wife
and his family. Now, what is your opinion? If a woman has wealth or
she earns a salary, or she's she's, she's inherited wealth,
whatever the case may be?
Do you think that she should keep that off the table? It's It's
nothing. We don't even talk about that. When she's on, you know,
having conversations about marriage or whatever, especially
when they're a little bit older, don't mean like a super young
woman. Should she in her mind, be thinking my wealth is my wealth?
It has nothing to do with what we're doing right here? Or do you
think that it's better for her to have the mindset that my wealth,
although it doesn't cover the basics and what's needed, it will
contribute to our lifestyle? I will be happy to for example, pay
for a holiday or buy extra things that I like or whatever. What do
you advise when it comes to the money piece? Do you think women
should just keep quiet keeps don't act like you don't have anything?
Or if they have something? Is that something that they should have at
least a mindset of this
Something that could just be a nice thing to have, or it could
help if it's needed, I don't know, what are your thoughts on it?
I, we've been dealing with so many issues where men are dropping the
ball when it comes to taking their full responsibility as husbands,
as the leader of the home, who's also responsible for the basic
necessities, you know, the shelter, the food, upkeep, and so
on. And the fact that under Sharia, the woman is even entitled
to an allowance that's mutually agreeable between them, this is
part of her right. So I think the conversation needs to start. And I
always tell people be careful getting married because of money.
But of course, money makes things quite, you know, less stressful.
Money is a huge source of conflict. So I don't think for a
woman upfront, she should start off by saying, you know, I'm
willing to contribute as the relationship progresses so that it
doesn't get taken for granted. Because what I have seen, what my
husband and I have been dealing with in so many cases recently is
the woman gets frustrated, because she's been handling
responsibilities that are not meant for her to bear from rent,
to school fees to food.
And it really makes things It ruins the relationship because she
loses respect, because you sense contempt when she talks about the
fact that she's carrying this burden. And at the end of the day,
she says, so who's the man of the house, and it brings resentment,
but it also brings disrespect to the husband. So for me, I think
it's important that the man takes full responsibility for what he's
supposed to do. And then follows the Sharia. When it comes to
coming up with something someone would say, Marian, you're
financially independent. I said, Yes, I am. But my husband and I
have always had our agreement when it comes to what does he take care
of? What are his responsibilities, he fulfills his responsibilities
as the man and the leader of the home, whatever extras I want to
contribute to the home, I never asked my husband, or the gases
finished in the gas cylinder or fuel has finished in the gym, he
gives me my allowance to do what I want to do that is mine, not for
upkeep, not for anything, anything I bring, I do and he always says
Marian make intention of sadaqa because it's not your
responsibility. And I do it wholeheartedly, I change light
bulbs, I don't need to ask him bring money for a light bulb, the
relationship becomes a symbiotic relationship as you solidify, you
know, you have a solid foundation. But that foundation has to be
established where everybody knows what are their roles, and they
play their part. I was very financially illiterate. In fact, I
was so financially bankrupt, and a bumbling idiot when it came to
money that I almost made him go bankrupt. I swear it was so bad.
And he was not financially independent. When we got married,
he was working a nine to five and living from paycheck to paycheck.
And I just got married, I was used to financial independence because
I was running my own business when I was in high school. So by the
time I got married, right after high school, I just went on a
shopping spree. And he made the biggest mistake of opening a joint
account. And I just spent I let Whoa, he asked me to balance the
books. And I was like, he said, budget and I was like, well,
that's like a four letter word in my vocabulary. But that's after we
were in the red and the bank had to call him was like, Oh, I mean,
yeah, it was really bad. And he's shared this story before. But, you
know, I think the woman has a role to play when she does have the
means and wants to maintain a certain lifestyle. Maybe she wants
the kids to be in a certain school where her husband can't really
afford on his own, to pay for them to be in that kind of school, for
instance, or she wants to have a certain kind of home. And she her
contribution is going to accord them that luxury that they want,
go ahead and bring and contribute. But let's make sure that no one
takes for granted certain things. So for me, that's just the key
thing. What I'm hearing there is give it some time, ladies. Yeah,
don't jump in with offers to help right away because I think even
from a man's point of view, I don't think that they appreciate
it. I think if if he's a man who's about himself, they often feel a
bit like why are you acting like I can't take care of this, you know,
and usually we mean well as well. We're like, you know, I'll help
it's, you know, it's fine. I don't mind and they may accept it, but I
think that there is there is like you said many of them there is a
there is a case for just stepping back and allowing him to be the
man and if you have the money fine, but don't bring it in right
from the start. Don't say oh, I'll start helping or I'll take care of
this. No, let him do what he's doing. Let the relationship be
built upon that basis. And then if later on you know you he's been
leading you know, you trust him.
The respect is there. If you decide, you know, there's that one
thing that I was thinking, you know, then offer it then and see
and see what happens. I think that makes sense. And I think when you
have children, again, I think it's a bit different, right? Because
it's that they're a shared responsibility in that sense. So I
don't know. What do you think? Yeah. So I, you know, I concur
with a lot of what has been said. And I would say, you know, to kind
of make it easier for people to remember, start, as you mean to
continue. And so especially at the beginning,
start in that stead, like, let your husband take the lead, but
also be willing and ready to live within his means. I think that
that's an important, that's a big one in the beginning. So if you
but also, if your husband is being
if you're you need to be upfront with your husband, in the very
beginning, in terms of, for example, an example that comes to
my mind is like in terms of
how did your husband meet you? Does that make sense? Like, in
what state did your husband meet you? So if, for example, in your
father's house, you had a driver, and you had this and you had that,
then when you get married, there are certain expectations, so those
things needs to be very clear upfront that, you know, this is
the standard that you met, can you maintain me at this level, and if
he cannot, then that conversation needs to needs to be had, if
you're willing to sacrifice and make compromises that you make
that of your own accord. But make that very clear from the
beginning, like you married this woman. And this is how she was
this is where she was living when you took her from her father's
house. And so you need to be ready to step up to the plate. If this
is the person that you want, if not the other women out there, you
can go out and get Hey, you guys going to say everything the father
is going to tell you? Why did you find my daughter had what does she
like? What was she eating? What was she driving? And so what is
happening here will have everything to say exactly that.
This is just the Nyima Autobahn has said, as a woman, it's that
balance between knowing your right
making sure you demand your right. But also being compassionate. And
coming into the demanding says less of the demanding yes of the
demanding.
Excellence receiving, okay. It's a balance, it's a balance and you
have to do you need to know who you're dealing with as well, as
well. So that's what I would say. Yeah, and I think systematic, um,
you mentioned about your lack of financial literacy, putting you
guys you know, almost bankrupting you, right. And I think that is
something that our young women can definitely work on before marriage
in order to prepare. And that is to understand, as I said, the
value of money, knowing how to budget giving themselves a budget,
right, knowing how to make smart choices when it comes to
purchases, right? Knowing how to invest dare I say, you know,
especially if they are earning because some of our girls
mashallah they'll be out here earning, okay. I would much rather
that if my daughter does, you know, have a well paid job before
she gets married, that she comes to them her marriage debt free,
for sure. Right, and having some assets behind her right? Just
because that's a good thing. And that was that her children's
inheritance as well at the end of the day, Mashallah. And if there's
any time I will develop and die like anything happens. She has the
skills, right, she has the knowledge to be able to manage
whatever it is that they have. And I think your husband has spoken
about this many and when he talked about him wanting to educate you
so that if Lakota, Allah, anything happened to him, you wouldn't be
able to continue to run your home. And you'd be able to to manage
your household. Even if he wasn't there without the biller. Do you
want to speak to that for a second before we move on to lineage?
Because it's a really interesting one? Yeah, financial literacy, I
think is really critical. It's one of the topics. I call it money
sense in my course, because I shared my story of like I said,
being a bumbling idiot and getting us in serious trouble. And it's
one of those wake up calls that I realized, when I looked back and
wanted to say, What should I cover? I want to cover the biggest
mistakes I made, and this was one of them to prevent pain and
anguish. Money already is a source of conflict, but I believe women,
young women, we have so many opportunities to learn skills
today from the tips of Africa, you know, I think we have no excuses.
We have no excuses and amazing opportunities where we can lie in
bed and still be financially you know, getting some kind of
multiple streams of income. So I always push young girls to say
learn skills, whether it's soap making, whether it's crafts,
whether it is public speaking, read and be able to help people,
whether it's counseling, whatever it may be, there are many gifts
Allah has given us multiple gifts start unwrapping them and using
modern technology today, to be able to
tap into what's readily available and start getting enough savings,
financial independence, so that you always have a fourth, you
know, something to fall back on. And I think like, so it has shed,
you know, he needed me to learn. And I learned the hard way. It was
hard. It was embarrassing and humiliating to have put the family
in that kind of situation. Alhamdulillah it was in our early
years, no kids. So the costs was not as high as when you do have
children. But for me, it I'm all for, learn to be financially
literate, literate, learn budgeting, learn to spend wisely,
and just know the difference between needs and wants, you know,
I always went to shops, and I saw things I didn't know I always
wanted, until
that's a very good way of putting it. So it's really bad. And I'm
still very spontaneous. But because I have my own financial
independence, the burden is not unsaid, you know. So I think
that's really an important thing. We have to be very financially
literate and consider it, especially if our spouse isn't,
you know, really wealthy enough to accommodate that. But even if they
are, yes, then wisely because there is so much more you can use
your money to even help others with, you know, so don't be
extravagant. Don't be wasteful. For me. I think that's disgusting.
Yeah, yeah. No, I think I'm glad you brought up that point, because
I did want to, to kind of just maybe touch on this point, that,
you know, the young ladies who are listening, and the moms who are
listening in Sharla, on behalf of their daughters, teach your
daughter not to be a gold digger. Sorry, teach her not to judge a
man by how much money he's willing to spend on her. Right? Because
that's the culture that we live in that that culture of, you know, if
he, you know, he ain't nothing if he didn't get you a Louis Vuitton
bag, you know, or he didn't buy you the whole Chanel collection,
or that kind of thing. You know, we want to embrace what the Dean
teaches, which is moderation, right, which is moderation, which
is economy. And, you know, wealthy just because somebody has money,
like you said, doesn't mean that they'll spend it all on you on
frivolous things, because there are many wealthy men who are very
careful with their money. And they're careful with their money
because they're smart, right? And if they refuse to buy you a whole
designer wardrobe, because they're investing in property, for
example, you as a young woman, you shouldn't get upset by that.
Rather, use your own money to buy the little luxury things. Or if
you get an allowance, save up your allowance and use that, you know,
and have that understanding, like you said the difference between
needs and wants. So much good stuff, so we could go on so many
tangents, but we won't. We're gonna stay the course inshallah.
And so
we need to
go and subscribe to the unfree how Muslim or wealth conference, we
just completed our second year. And subhanAllah we go into a lot
of detail about being an industrious Muslim woman about
holistic approaches on mindset so well, about balancing, you know,
our careers and businesses and our families and, and all of that good
stuff, passive income streams, which I think is so important for
Muslim women who are trying to build a home as well, and don't
necessarily want to be in the rat race of the nine to five. So
definitely go check that out in Sharla. Yeah, definitely. And, you
know, I'm sorry, I said, we're not going to go off on a tangent. But
this is also important. And I want to make this point because a lot
of our girls mashallah they are educated. And of course, they've
come up in a society where the career is the main focus. And
we're trying to have conversation with them about marriage. And
they're worried that they're going to, you know, when you when you're
in the workforce, and you're worried that you'll fall behind,
you know, that, Oh, if I get married, I'm going to fall behind.
If I have kids, I'm going to fall behind. And I think that it's
worth remembering that even if you marry fairly young and you have
children, you can always go back. You can always retrain, you can
always start something on the side. And women do all the time. I
think, you know, I think some brothers seem to have
I don't know this fairy tale idea about women who are housewives and
do so called nothing else, right?
There aren't many women like that, actually, I think even across the
world, because you know, back home for working class women, there's
no such thing as that. And the majority of people in the world
are working class. No working class woman sitting at home
waiting for her husband to provide she has to hustle, okay? She has
to have something she sells tomatoes. She takes in sewing. You
know, she tutors on the weekend. You know, she looks after
children, whatever the case may be. Certainly working class people
do not have the luxury of saying, you know, women should just stay
at home. They shouldn't be educated. They shouldn't know
anything. They shouldn't do anything because that that is
literally it's
it's a luxury idea that I hear Western men talking about
Sr. I don't know whether you're familiar with this. And if you
guys are familiar with what I'm talking about, let me know in the
comments, right. But you know how we keep talking about pendulum
swinging. So just as now there's this push for women to all go out
and work and all have careers and focus on careers. The pushback is
no, all women need to go back to not being educated at all, not
have any work, not even make any money and completely rely on their
husbands 100%. And I fear that this is actually one of those
luxury ideas. That is, it's, it sounds nice, it sounds like a
simple solution to a problem that you see. But it's actually not
practical for the majority of people in the world, especially
Muslims, because the majority of Muslims live in the so called
Third World, sister Miriam. What is the fate of a young woman who
does not complete her education in Nigeria? And she's from a working
class background? What is her trajectory? What is what is
possible for her and what is not possible for her?
Um, well, often it is she ends up being a stay at home mom. And you
know, is that I mean, that's the card that life has dealt her
practically that seems to be the common thread, I had the privilege
of going to speak in one of the public schools and I see a
privilege because my mum, when we first came to this particular
state in Mina, where we live, she was the principal of that school.
And this was in 1976. And it was the same school that invited me to
come and speak to 400 Girls, and I could not miss out on that
opportunity. Because the folks who invited me was an NGO said, these
girls right now, most of them, they don't expect them to
graduate. However, even if they graduate, they all they're worth
living towards is not to go to school, but to get married. And
when they get married, that's where they are. That's where
things end, you know, it stops with marriage. And, you know, just
service basically, obviously, it's also noble, when people choose to
say, You know what, I'm going to be a full time stay at home mom, I
respect people who have the choice, and they make the choice,
they're intentional. But for most of these girls, they don't have
marketable skills, if they leave school and just get married, and
they don't have other things that they can use to be able to be
financially independent. So they end up just, you know, going with
the flow, and that's it, that's where it stops, unfortunately. So
for, especially in the northern part of Nigeria, where we are,
where majority are Muslims, that becomes, you know, their reality.
I want to just from, from my, from my experience, poor women in
Zimbabwe, don't get to be stay at home moms, because your husband
cannot earn enough to keep the family, right. So. So you will
typically have to find something to do, you'll have to find some
way to make some money.
But like you said, if you don't have marketable skills, and you're
not Methodist, if you don't have marketable skills, and you're not
married, obviously, this is where women fall prey to being abused,
right fall prey to, you know, selling the only commodity that
they have, right? Whether that's attention or their bodies, or
whatever. So it kind of puts them in a very vulnerable position. If
they get married handler, they at least have that protection. But as
a family, they will be a poor family, because she doesn't have
skills, she will have to do some kind of work, but it's not going
to be work that brings in that much, right.
So I guess, what am I trying to say? What I'm saying is that
we should be ensuring that our Muslim girls have a high level of
Islamic education. And that should be that should be a given across
all communities, rich, poor, etc. And I do believe that we should be
investing in ensuring that the mothers that raise the next
generation, are capable of understanding and facing the
challenges of the next generation, intellectually. So even if they
don't work as a doctor or a teacher, we're going to need
those. We're going to need teachers, doctors, Judge,
gynecologist, sports teachers, you know, beauticians all of these
other things. We need them yeah, there's that's not going to go
away, guys. So whoever thinks that Muslim women are going to go back
to not having any skills and not being educated, like that's not
going to happen. But what we do need to make sure of is that we
are balanced in our approach to education and that it doesn't
divert our girls from the idea of being married and being a wife and
a mother and I think that's the that's the biggest trick that most
people are finding is a big problem with their daughters
because when they do well at school, they want to go to
university when they do well at university, they want to go into
work, and by the time they're in work
They're like, I don't think I want to get married. I'm quite good the
way I am, you know, and in the West, that's a big issue. So I
don't know what your what are your thoughts on this?
It's a tough one. Honestly, I think that's a tough one. I think
that it's something that even me, I'm relatively young, and I'm
still trying to figure out, I'm still trying to figure out and I
know that, you know, I've definitely put my career on the
back burner
for my home, and those that's having impacts in different ways.
It's honestly, it's a delicate balance. But I think that what I
would say is that as a woman, you need to be financially
independent, you need to be financially stable, you need to
have a source of income. Well, how am I financially independent as a
woman? Sorry, clarify what you mean by that. When I say
financially, I mean that you need to be able to have income that is
yours. That's what I feel you need to be able to have income that
this this money, I make this money, and I have I have ownership
over what I do with this money. So if I want to invest in this
property, or in this business, I can make that decision. You're not
in a place where you are dependent on somebody else for your
financial needs and decisions.
Okay, interesting.
And obviously, there's a balance there, because you're how does
that impact the Yeah, no, because I'm what I'm hearing is, that's,
that's kind of where we are, where That's where we're at, right, is
that girls want to be financially independent. But that is causing
problems when they're now looking to enter a marriage, that money is
becoming an issue of tension. So how do you resolve that tension?
If we're if you are saying that girls should be financially
independent, that means the years of university and however many
years of study before you even think about a relationship, and
obviously a certain lifestyle and level of wealth? Why do you think
that that's a good thing for them? When we're talking about preparing
them for marriage to be a wife? I'm curious, why you cannot be a
liability.
And
I honestly, I feel as though Wow, really? I yeah, I feel very.
How can you say that your husband spending on you? Is your a
liability?
There's a there's spending on on your upkeep on your basics. Yeah.
Well, he's then not responsible. For, for example, your parents,
your parents are now old, and you want to do something your parents
burden on him. You want to start a business, you want to invest in
this property. You can't all of that on him. I'm sorry, that
that's where
that's where the balance for me becomes unfair. You go after Wow.
So if you want
all of that go and work for it.
But it's a balance, because, you know, oftentimes women will find
that they had to put their careers on hold or on the backburner, like
I have, for example. Yeah. Which I'm not as financially independent
as I would have been if I decided that what put what Korea on hold,
no. So there is balance, it's not clear cut, black and white
sacrifices will need to be made. But there should be a baseline
level of this I'm doing for myself. And it's important to me
to do this for myself. And this, my role as a mom as a wife should
not impact my ability to have something of my own. Also, me
wanting something on my own should not impact my ability to be a good
wife and a good mother. So it's a delicate balance. And it requires
that delicate balance requires communication, it requires you to
understand that at the end of the day, you are partners in this and
each of you have different roles to play. It's it's very, very
multi level, multi layered,
emotional intelligence. That's why you need to educate yourself.
That's why you need to know your rights. That's why you need to
have the right mentors and support. That's why you need to go
to counseling if you need to go to counseling.
Marriage is not for the faint hearted. Oh my god. You know, the
problem with this is that I have people in the chat who are saying
y'all are making marriage seem so hard. Like what is the point of
this? Like, seriously, what are we doing all this for? And I just
feel like no, no, marriage is wonderful. Well, we're just
talking about the tough stuff right now. But I do I do think
that Zahara if you if you I mean firstly, I am not sure whether I'm
on board with encouraging young women to be financially
independent. I think that content was
maybe the most stable stable for me. I don't get triggered by that.
This is I'm content with.
I can throw away independent as you stay.
Mainly because you've explained it. Yeah, no, no, that makes
sense. No, no, no, no, no. Took a stables fine. literates fine. I
think you've explained it. And it's true, right? When you
explained it, it made sense because it was like, okay, yeah,
it's true. Like in my case, you know, my father, I'm responsible
for him. You know,
And there'll be things that you want to do that it's true. That's
not his responsibility, okay to finance to back to to pay for and
if he does it suck on his part, right? So I guess you're being
very realistic about it. It's like, okay, I'm not expecting you
to fund my whole lifestyle. But I think definitely having a
financial base or not having one. But knowing how you can have one
and having one if you need it. Or if you want to have when the kids
go to school, all that kind of thing, I think is always a good
fallback. Maria, will you be the arbiter between between us have we
made peace on this issue, you have made decent Zahra, the point you
made with regard to other you don't want to be a burden on your
spouse. So in other words, when you use the example, let's say of,
you know, family, for instance, you want to do things for other
people. It's not their job, it's not their responsibility. My
husband and I were counseling a couple, he actually counseled a
couple, I was just, I would share my thoughts when he gives me
feedback. And I remember them husband was saying, you know, I'm
the one who buys the, the mother of his wife, because they were the
marriage was on the rocks. And he's like, I'm the one who helps
them pay their bills. And the one who buys this for the husband, the
father, because he can't do the deed. And it even brought a lot of
disrespect to the wife, because he was the one who was doing helping
her family as well. That can lead to resentment as well. Yeah. And
in our culture here in Nigeria, you it's so easy to get freeloader
in laws, they would be more than happy, you know, to be to, for you
to take on their family responsibility that will just keep
popping kids like rabbits, and you be the one taking care of feeding
them. So for me, I think the point is desira, made with regard to
that part of having your own income, or your own, you know,
financial power is so that you do not become a burden and lose
respect in the sight of your spouse, because you are asking
them to do things that are not under Sharia part of their duties
to you.
Let's just be easygoing, and Sharla. Let's try to help each
other.
That's why it's a symbiotic relationship.
Online, my husband and I, we don't fight over money. We're very
conscious of money. Now. I've had to be you know, I slept the stupid
out of me to be aware that I need to be conscious, sensitive,
considerate, and, you know, so but we talk about money freely.
There's so much communication, you know, if there is a need, we
discuss it. And we weigh the pros and cons. So as your relationship
matures and ripens, you find it's a conversation thing is not a
negotiation thing, you know? Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. And I think I
think again, I think going back to your points, I think, okay, may I
say this? My advice is if a sister has her own already, right, and
she wants to marry a man who's prepared to fulfill his Islamic
responsibilities, the conversation pre marriage should be about her
responsibilities and how she's going to fulfill them, and his
responsibilities and how he's going to fulfill them. And things
like my money is my money, and I've got this money, and I'm not
doing that don't even mention it. I wouldn't even mention it, I
wouldn't even say it's important for me to just just gauge the
situation, right? Make sure that you understand the the wavelengths
that he's on in terms of, you know, look, you know, Islamically
this is what it is because it's what is right. A woman's wealth is
her own. It's her own to do with what she will write. But it's I
think, avoiding money becoming like, almost
like leverage that you have over him or something that you put over
him, especially in those early conversations, because he'll just
say, it's clear that you're good. You don't need me around Sia, and
we talked about this earlier on today, but yes, what did you want
to say? Says? I was just gonna say like, I think that it's important
to have candid conversations and not I think that you know, when we
get into that,
I don't say murky waters, but when you start, you know, advising
sisters to maybe like, play down their financial success. I think
that's also a bit of a dangerous place to be in because you want to
have a man that isn't threatened by your greatness. Oh, no, girl
You didn't come here on my channel and say that
oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That is your first time here.
If you are straight A's if you are first class if you are
since I feel sick, oh my god that had nothing to do with the
conversation about
Marriage nothing, you just walk. Okay, I just want to clarify it.
Because if you're saying that you're telling my sister to not
talk about her money and things like that, I want someone in the
chat please, to educate our sister here.
You to basically what I'm trying to say, sis is that you don't want
somebody who feels threatened? And if because if because you share, I
don't know your financial position or whatever brothers that Osia I'm
sorry, that's not on uses. And that's why I feel I don't feel
like sisters should feel bad for a man saying See, because they feel
uncomfortable with unless, unless you need to clarify what you said,
since that name, I think I need to clarify for you, I think I need to
clarify for you. And that what the point is this sisters shoot
themselves in the foot when they come to a conversation about
marriage, talking about their worldly and professional
accolades. Because a man is not interested in that he's not
marrying you for that. It's a nice to have. It's a cool, wow, you did
that nice. But that's not what attracts you to him or him to you.
And it's not what he's looking for in a wife. Now, of course, there
are always exceptions may not be what you're looking for. You might
be looking for somebody who is competent. Who's a go getter, who
is who can be that he does the first teacher for who can be the
role model for his children. Who know I mean, so they can you see,
can you see how your language has shifted. And that's fine. That's
that's important, though, because I'm saying this because I've heard
many coaches and speakers talk about how especially accomplished
professional women who see themselves as alphas, boss, babes,
as you said greatness and all of that they come with that energy to
a man, that is masculine energy, that is a break you up energy. And
that's not attractive to masculine men, most men feel like you sound
like you'd be hard to get along with love that he's threatened
just doesn't want to have to deal with that. And so, again, it's not
about lying. It's not about you know, kind of pretending that
you're not. But it's about making sure that you understand that
that's not the value you bring to the marriage is if it's about
work, if it's about how you manage your employees, if it's about how
much money you have, unless you're going to spend on the family.
What's that got to do with us? What's that got to do with him? He
wants to know, as a wife, I'm going to get what I need from you,
as a mother to my children, I'm going to get what I need from you,
as my partner on this journey through life, I'm going to get
what I need from you. And we return to Allah subhanaw taala
together, nothing about your degrees or your PhD or your money
informs that conversation. That's all I'm saying. And I'm saying
that because I do know that in the culture, we're encouraged to be
really like have a lot of bravado about, oh, if you can't stand my
greatness and all of that kind of thing. It's not helping us when it
comes to discussing things with men, because it just it's
masculine energy, you're coming at someone like this. Most minutes
like this. All right, yeah, I think what I think what I was just
like, I'm advocating for my fellow sisters who are full of masculine
energy, but can still tap into their feminine, that's why we
spoke about connecting with your body, part of connecting with your
body is connecting with your feminine energy. And getting into
that, especially if you have a very masculine role or personality
or, you know, you're fit, but as a female, your temperament sort of
thing. You know, I think that it's important for you to get into your
feminine I think that's important for you to find a spouse who
understands who you are and doesn't try and clip your wings,
but who you can also respect and you know, be feminine and be
vulnerable with that's and that takes a certain type of man it
takes a certain type of man for sure. What I would say is I would
not advise a sister who has natural masculine energy to feel
like she needs to dampen down her masculine energy in order to get a
husband I think that that that is
because how long are you going to pretend to not be who you are for
that is that I think that that would be a cause of issues in a
marriage if you have to change who you naturally are because you're
trying to be this who you're not so do you not think that the work
for that sister is to learn how to tap into her feminine because I
mean she can go be masculine all she likes and have any
conversation she wants in her masculine but she may not get the
result that she's looking for. So don't you think the work then is
on us who most of us were raised in a in our masculine right to
understand and tap back into that femininity like you were saying
because when it comes to being a wife, I'm sure sister money will
come in Sorry sister million there's all different going on
here. But we know there's so many I'm and I know right I'm so sorry.
But you know, I'm sure what from from you know from from again,
it's it's really interesting that we're having this conversation at
the end of the evening because earlier on today
So, we talked about this, and I wish you had been on that panel.
Actually, it would have been amazing to have you there. But
we're talking about can professionally successful women
make good wives? What are the challenges that they face? You
know, how does this lead to some mismatch in the marriage? And how
can they deal with that? And I think that very practical advice
was shared, it wasn't stopped being successful. It was
understanding that work and professional success in its
context and knowing how to take off that hat and become a wife,
but many of them, what do you think? What do you think about all
this? Do you think this is just nonsense that we're talking about
here? It doesn't make a difference if he loves you, Hollis. Like, if
you find that guy who is for it? What are your thoughts? No, I
think there are lots of qualities that are endearing qualities that
make us women, you know, better wife, so to speak, I discussed
with the lady that was I was trying to think how long ago,
about three years ago. And it was when I heard from the husband that
I truly understood that, you know, she was just coming on too strong.
She was too forceful, too aggressive when she speaks, and he
wanted someone to be more soft spoken. So as Sarah was saying,
you know, don't shrink because of somebody, I had to tell her that
you need to tone it down, because you're coming on too strong. He's
the man. And naturally, his fitrah is, you know, being more bold, but
he was actually a gentleman, I would describe him as a true
gentleman, because he was soft spoken. I don't know if I would
say he was in touch with his feminine side. But he was, you
know, classy and dignified. I think that, and I think he wanted
someone like that. And I think an aggressive woman who barks because
that's literally I use those words to tell her when you talk. I said,
I'm a woman, and I'm listening to you. And I can't imagine. I'm
watching I'm seeing you Yes, my sister woman, you know, but I
can't see how a man would find that to be an endearing quality
that will call him to you, you know, that will draw him to you.
You need to soften yourself. I said, probably your upbringing is
what molded you to be this way. Maybe that's how your mother
spoke. Because we often mirror what we grew up seeing, I say, but
it doesn't mean it's right. And you may not know if your father
was okay with it, you may never know how he truly felt whether he
just oh, well, that's also the cabinet life that has dealt me and
but I truly feel that we've been blessed with so many assets as
women, and we are the, you know, men to be softer, more gentle,
like, if my husband is hot. I know Allah has blessed me with natural
skills that I can use to calm him down, I could bet my eyelids at
him, I could just touch his hand. And I you know, I start to cool
down that fire. There are so many things. So I just literally put my
head on him, I find that physical contact, and I think it's one of
those gifts, Allah has put in us that we have the capability of
cooling down the fire. So for me, a woman who has more of, you know,
that masculine energy, I think she needs to be self aware and know is
that an endearing quality is my spouse actually attracted to that.
And if it is a source of friction, she needs to work on toning it
down. It doesn't mean she needs to shrink. But if you want your
marriage to work, you need to know what qualities like you say, which
had to do I put on like, for me, I'm a strong girl. And I am I can
be very aggressive. You know, in my you've learned how to do
Nigeria open I like we all have, you know, excuse my language
badass in us, you know, we can read out the eyeballs and raise
our voices and so on. But there's a time and a place for that. And I
never, I do it in jest with my husband, because we clown around a
lot. But I would never do it seriously with him. But he has
seen me do it with others. And he knows you know, what if that's
what you need to switch on to get a certain type of thing done. Go
ahead, but it doesn't belong in our home, in our culture, because
the other we need to maintain has to be regulated. And we need to
know certain tones of voice certain mannerisms we use when
speaking doesn't show respect, and we need to recognize that so
that's just my little opinion.
I love you Zara. I'm sorry. Sorry.
No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I caught you off guard and I'm
sorry that I overreacted. But maybe just to put my point kind of
to clarify in case there were any misconceptions. You know, a lot of
the time when we speak about
That energy is relating to our work is related to careers. It's
relating to school and things like that. And I think that one thing
that we need to realize as women, especially women who have that
energy outside, is, you know, your home is a sanctuary. If you see me
I say, like I'm reading a book or cool that's like a Yoruba phrase,
like somebody who like roofing the Bible, who was like always looking
after her husband, you know
about that,
you can't be that person and come to your relationship with your
family. And I think that that needs to be clear, but what I'm
trying to say
who even because your boss outside, even scared, please,
please, please come on be going. That's yeah, no, True. True, true.
Fair enough. No, fair enough.
You know, you put on that a sister Sister, Marian said you have to
happen. And that's where that emotion comes in. And that's where
you need to understand your rights and your roles and obligations as
well as to it. So you know, me says, you
know, hi, hi,
Ruth, a book, who is this? Tell us tell us about this character? This
this our, what's it called this archetype?
Basically, somebody who doesn't play around when it comes to a
husband, what he's eating, making sure he's okay. You know, making
sure he's happy. And I think that that's a very, it's very
important, like, I would always say, like I, you know, even up
until now, like, I, if my husband is upset with me, I can't be okay.
Does that make sense? If my husband, thank you, you also you
also have to go soon, don't you? Because there's a cut off. I
remember when sorry, I remember when we did the hijab conversation
about we talked about the rights of the husband. And you said, for
me, there's a cut off at a certain point, I think it was 10pm. I'm
coming. I'm going to bed at 10pm Because what am I still doing on
zoom at 10pm on my husband's going to bed, Judas on my against it, I
need to be it needs to be that balance, especially with your
work. And that needs to be that prioritization. And so my sister's
marriage is, takes a lot of hikma, a lot of wisdom and a lot of
understanding. It's not I'm trying to find the right word before
sister Naima jobs.
I'm gonna be quiet now. Trying to find find find the right words.
But I think that
don't let
I'm taking my words carefully. No, no, it's okay. You're okay,
you're, you're fine.
I think that I'm
at the very basic, you know, making sure that your home is a
sanctuary. That's something that's an you know, it's one of my
affirmation for me, you know, and that's why when you know, I want
my husband to come home to peace, this home is our sanctuary. So
when he has a very, very demanding job, very, when he comes home, you
don't want him to come home to fire, you want him to come home to
peace and tranquility. And that I feel is my role as the wife and as
the mother and as the homemaker and as a caretaker, to ensure that
this is an abode of peace, and love. So no matter how it's I
think that as I said, you can be a go getter, you can be this, you
can be that, but understand your role in the marriage. And be very
candid with your husband in terms of what he's looking for, and what
you're looking for. And all that is compatible with all of the
markers. Honestly, for me or I see all time men, you still a girl,
that is a go getter, bla bla bla, but time she might you're not
telling her don't go out. Don't just to me, I don't like that.
Because it's not fair enough.
You get into right? Yes. And that's why I said as a woman, be
very clear with who you are, what your aspirations are. But also
understand that if you are looking to build a home of peace and love,
you have to understand what that looks like. I know I mentioned
that as well that I've had to put my career on the back burner for
my home.
And that's an important decision and sacrifice that you need to be
you need to decide whether you are willing to make or not. And I feel
like that's perhaps where people get it wrong is that your career
career career and your career then is number one, it shouldn't be
number one, if that's your choice, then that's a choice you make. But
don't you kind of have your home as number one and careers. Number
one, it can't happen. It's not possible. Something has to give
something will have to give you another thing, but that doesn't
then mean that you are then a burden or totally dependent. You
can still do stuff and that's what you see me doing. I'm still doing
stuff. I'm still being industrious. I'm still using the
skills and the talents Allah subhanaw taala has given me to
ensure that I'm still it's not as much as what he would have been if
I was like, Hey, he's gotten single. Yes. Do we know this? If
we were single?
What would we have been doing by now? I don't know, Masters PhD, we
started a fortune 500 company, you know traveled the world in a in a
sailing ship? I don't know, whatever it is that the most and
take anything I said but then it's not the thing. And especially when
we speak about wealth, wealth isn't just financial, even the joy
of having a home that's a source of wealth. That's a bit
comparable, even. And I mentioned this,
even the fact that I can be in a position where my husband provides
and I didn't necessarily do that is a source of risk from Allah
subhanho wa taala. So is your risk is your risk of 100%? One?
Very new answers very.
Yes, don't overcomplicate it, because I've already got people
complaining in YouTube saying You're breaking my head right now.
We're talking about the next generation. Let's, let's let's be
honest with our daughters and our sons, okay, I want to say
daughters, especially because daughters at the moment are the
ones who are experiencing the most pressure to do other than being a
wife, right. So they, they are getting a lot of push from all
sides to not prioritize being a wife and a mother and to do other
things. So I think having that honest conversation to say, you
know, strive, study, you know, do you know, achieve your potential,
but never forget your ultimate. And this is This is advice I gave
to some girls that I met in London. And I said to them, you
know, the advice that we've been given from school is is skewed,
okay? It is one sided, because they tell you to focus on your
career, right? And that's the only thing they tell you to focus on
his career. But we know as Muslims that there's so much more to life
than just a job, right? There's your spiritual, so there's your
deen, there's your emotional health, which school doesn't talk
about. There's your physical wellness, health, fitness, etc,
that school hardly touches on. And then there's your your life
journey, right? There's the next milestone. And for majority of
human beings, that is starting a family school does not talk about
that at all, either. And school doesn't prepare you for that
either. So bearing that in mind, having those conversations with
our daughters to say, you know, insha, Allah, you're going to get
married. When you're a wife, I want you to remember this, when
you get married, I want you to do this. And and have that like, open
that up. So it's not all the conversation is about Steady,
steady, get a job. And not every conversation is about marriage,
Marriage Marriage, but at least within our conversations with our
children, we are providing them with a balance and an
understanding that when you're older, this is eventually where
you'll go. It's it's called preparing them for the next stage,
which a lot of us are finding very, very difficult to do at the
moment because we're thinking schools going to prepare them the
society is going to prepare them but it doesn't go on Monday. I'm
let's let's wrap up here in Sharla. Because I can see some
beautiful thoughts bubbling away in your head. Inshallah, what are
your we didn't even get halfway into this topic, but I think we
can try and wrap up in sha Allah, what are your thoughts?
Well, having had boys, just two boys and Hamdulillah, I was trying
to walk in the shoes of those who have had only girls or who have
girls. And you know, what advice if I were to have had girls? What
kind of things would I try to what seeds would I plant? And how would
I deal with what? You know the confusion of what pop culture?
What social media what society today is feeding our young girls
compared to what the Dean wants us to nurture, you know, and what
seeds we should plant in our children? I think, you know, for
me, I think of continuity, I think of succession, we are believers,
and obviously our kids will inherit from us. And every example
we give, you know is meant to be continued. Because that's often
the case. We copied and pasted a lot of what we witnessed, and our
children will most likely do that. So I need to make sure that in my
conversation if I had a girl, what kind of discussions would I have
with my daughter to say, what have you observed in me? Because it's
about the example I set, you know, and then what examples what would
you want to make sure that your children learn from you when you
do have them? I think yes, when they reach the right age where you
can have them start thinking that they are not just a girl, but they
are a mother of a nation. They are the first school of their children
you know what what do you see yourself? What kind of mother do
you see yourself becoming what are the most important values and
discuss the reality today that there is this movement out there
whether it's an LGTB movement btw movement, whether something
everyday
trans something movement, whether it is the feminist movement and
Have a discussion to say how do you think you would make sure that
your daughter's, or your children, whatever it is, don't find these
lines to be blurry. When you're looking at it through Islamic
goggles, you know, from an Islamic point of view, because this is
your role, you are representing Allah, and you are meant to leave
things better than the way even the Sahaba saw it. When Rasul
allah sallallahu, wasallam demonstrated. So how do we
continue this? How do we pass on the baton? How do you think is the
best way to pass on the baton? Because sometimes, we may be in
shock. I remember doing this exercise with my husband and my
children separately. And I asked my husband, you know, what, will
you never forget about me? What do you think are the greatest
contributions I've made to the relationship but when I asked the
kids separately, and I asked him, What would you never forget? What
lessons would you say mama has taught you that you will never
forget. And he was 11 when I did this exercise the first time with
him. And I was surprised that the things I thought he would never
forget were not even mentioned. So I needed to be more intentional
and more conscious of how I make sure that lesson enters and is
drummed in. And you know, it's one of the things that Alhamdulillah
25 years, you know, he's now 25 And we have a similar
conversation. He's saying it, and I say okay, Alhamdulillah. So we
do need to have be more intentional as mothers in our
conversation with our daughters, but with our children generally,
about the thing we want to make sure they understand well, they
are sensitive to and conscious about because there is this
subliminal undercurrent going on. And it's a you know, whether it's
through the algorithms on social media, or in everything they
watch, there is this message that is going in that is entering or
that they're being programmed and rewired. We need to make sure they
are immunized. But we need to also make sure that they are allergic
to certain things so that as soon as they get this alarm bells go
off in their head because I keep saying I'm worried about my
children's children.
So worried because as parents today, what we are trying we are
contending with is gonna look okay to them. You and I may be shocked
when we watch certain things on TV, but we realize our kids there
It's nothing. It's no big deal. They do it. Yeah, we do. So what
will their children do? So we do need to be so conscious and
sensitive and intentional about immunizing them and making sure
they know what should trigger from that. Yes, it should be in black
and white. It's becoming so blurry and fuzzy today, we need to still
make it black and white. They need to still be shocked at certain
things, you know, so for me that those are my thoughts. Let's take
Mashallah. And sisters. Can you teach a parenting course please.
That was so many gems, masha Allah. But yeah, 100% Zahra, what
are your closing thoughts? So I think that
there's a lot that hasn't been said. I think that was the
conversation. You know, part two. Yeah, went on a different tangent.
Think that
I'm trying to I'm trying to find which is the best closing closing
remark to make honestly. Especially with the conversation
that we had about the energies. I think that is very important,
especially in this world. Of Am I allowed to talk about feminism? I
don't know. Guys put in the chat. Is she allowed to talk about
feminism? Let me know in the chat. Is she allowed to say the F word?
What's the deal? Pierre says yes.
I am very, very afraid for the,
for the current feminist movement, which makes motherhood and looking
after your home and being a homemaker, which makes that seem
like it is not
a bakes that seem like the enemy.
And I think that one of the biggest issues that we're having
is the lack of balance, like you said, the pendulum
whereby, because of the abuses and the and the imbalances and the
oppressions, women now feel as though I'm going to be Miss
independence and stay in this place, stay in that masculine
energy and cannot, you know, find that balance. I think that that's
where a lot of issues are coming up, especially for our generation,
where the career and the home is a career is prioritized over the
home.
And I think that we need to come I think that end of the day with the
women are loosened, because what I find with a lot of us is that
because we're trying to have it all because we're
We're trying to build that successful career. And and we're
not then looking after our homes the way we should and we're having
tension back. Yep. And that's why for me, trying to find that
position where you, number one,
you understand that
marriage is a partnership.
And everybody has their roles and their responsibilities.
And I think that for us, for me, I would say that
I am my husband came into our marriage knowing that, you know,
for me, my priorities is my home is my children is looking after my
home.
Yes, you married this firecracker, industrious woman, I will support
you in that. But this is your main responsibility. The home and
everything that I do after that is secondary.
Bye. But it doesn't mean that I will not support you in doing
anything. It doesn't mean that all you then become is the homemaker.
And I think that that's an important clarification to make
with what I had said earlier. It's important to find, yes, sorry,
sorry, go on. Yeah, it's important for you to find a spouse and have
those conversations and be very honest with each other. Because
what you that what you end up with, and I think this is what I
was trying to clarify earlier, you don't want to be in a situation
where so many women are unhappy, because they feel feel like
they're perhaps not fulfilling their potential, perhaps as a
whole part of they've lost their identity in a marriage, you don't
want to be in that situation, because you pretended to be who
you were not. You need to be very clear, make sure there's a spouse
for you. I think that's the message I'm trying to say to our
sisters who are preparing for marriage, there's a spouse for
you. There is someone out there who can recognize and again, I
don't want to use the word greatness, okay? Because I think
that that just triggered a whole load of, you know, I say it from a
place of that can recognize the value in you as a person as a
human being. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, so this is
interesting. I want to I want to definitely dive into this because
our worth and value as human beings is not in question ever,
right? Because Allah subhanaw taala created us with intrinsic
worth. What we've been talking about over the last year is that a
human beings worse and a husband's worth are not the same. You don't
marry a man because he's an amazing human being. But he's
irresponsible. He has nothing to offer you. He has a terrible
relationship with his family. But he's, he's, he's a wonderful human
being right? You wouldn't marry a man like that. Because as a
husband, he has a job to do. There is a job description right? Now,
some aspects of the job description are negotiable. And
some are non negotiable, right?
You wouldn't compromise on the non negotiables, just because he has
value as a human being, and maybe someone out there finds him
valuable. And I don't think that we should say this to women,
either, that you as a human being you have value, therefore someone
will marry you know, the man who marries you as the man who
recognizes your value to him as a wife and to the home as a mother
and a homemaker. And whether it's you are because let's be frank,
guys, for some people. It's they're not able to provide
everything. That's a fact. Right? So there are plenty of families
that look for a working woman. We know this as well. People complain
about it, but it's true. There are families where they say no, she
has to have a degree. It's not I don't know whether this is big in
Africa so much, maybe it is actually Nigerians, everyone has a
degree. So you know, if you don't have a degree, then like, What are
you, but I digress. There are families, there are conversations
where your education will matter, because the family wants an
educated girl, or they want a girl who will work because they want
her to bring in money and put it into the household. Right? So
those are situations, we don't know how widespread that situation
is. Because in the Muslim community, we don't have data,
right? We don't know how common it is. We can only go on anecdotal
data based on see people like Maryam lemma, who's working with
couples, you know, and all the other people that we've spoken to.
However, the point is that
if you want to get married, you have to bring value as a wife, and
demonstrate potential value as a mother. That's it. And regardless
of anything else that you've got going on, whether you're an
athlete, whether you are an investment banker, whether you
speak 12 languages, that's all great. It's nice to have, it's
wonderful, well done you but as a wife, you have to know that you
can fulfill his needs as a wife and that you are ready to put in
the work to be a mother to his children and build a home with him
like you said. So I'm it's not a case of sit there saying to
people, I don't I don't. It sounds nice, but I don't think it's
helpful to tell people
There's a spouse for you know, there's a spouse for you if your
wife material period. It's like telling men there's a spouse for
you. How many men are there out there? How do you get DMS? sister
Miriam, do you get the DMS? I'm looking marriage. I'm looking
Muslim girl marriage, I will find me a wife. I will take anyone
divorced, widowed, even old woman, I get them all the time there are
so many men who cannot get married. Because for for everyone
that they've spoken to they're not husband material. Either. They
don't have any money. They've got no financial stability whatsoever.
Or they may be just don't maybe don't look the part I don't know
why they're struggling, right? I don't know what's going on. But my
point is to tell those men don't worry, you'll be fine. There's a
spouse for you. It's like no, if your husband material, a woman
will choose you. If your wife material or husband, a man will
choose you. Everything else is secondary. Everything else is for
you. And Masha Allah for you well done to you. That's your own work
in the world. But when you're a wife, that's your work. So that I
think that's that's the way that I would encourage sisters to see it.
It's not denying your value as a human being because at the end of
the day, there are people who will never get married. Do they not
have value in our community? Of course they do. There are women
who will never have children. Do they not have value? Because
they're not mothers? No, of course they have value. There are people
who are orphaned at a young age and live their whole lives alone,
worshipping Allah, do they not have value to Allah? subhanaw
taala? Of course they do. That's never the issue. But in these
conversations, we're talking specifically about one role that
you'll play. And that's wife, all the other roles daughter, sister,
friend, you know, Step mother, Sheriff, you know, boss,
colleague, whatever. Those are all other identities and other roles.
If we're talking about marriage, let's stay focused on the wife
part, because that's the part that society wants you to forget about.
Because it doesn't want you to focus on your wife role, doesn't
want you to to value your role or your position as a wife. As far as
society is concerned. It's not even a big deal for somebody to
get married. Like okay, if you have a big wedding, great. But
other than that, like the work of being a wife, what's the name that
you said, says, Ruth, okay.
You're not going to see people making like, you know, tic TOCs
and stuff like that, about being that you know about being that
woman. But probably even though your husband admires the woman you
are out in the world, His love and His heart is invested in Ruthie,
that Ruthie over there. She's the one who's catching his heart.
So the surrendered wife, and if you find that you're like me,
you're gonna get your firecracker. You're like, Ah, this fire energy
I come to bring you this fire to my home. I think this is an
amazing book. It's called the surrendered wife. And I think it
just gives you know a lot of practical tips in terms of like,
you know, dialing down that energy when it comes to your home and you
know, really tapping into your feminine and the same way brother
and somebody asked about Brother Habib or Kunduz book woman of
desire, I think again, very, very important for us, particularly
women who are naturally more energetic. You can really get into
their feminine side and ensure that they're bringing that soft
energy into their homes. You know, reading books and educating
yourself. I also have this Home Sweet Home from California, this
unclutter of course myself mom, beautiful before we got married, I
think it's very, very important for us to understand who we are
and I think that that really is my I think maybe my closing remark
is, understand who you are naturally understand how Allah
subhanaw taala has created you and do the work to be the person that
you want to be in terms of in your marriage, in your profession,
wherever you have to do the work, it's not going to come out of thin
air, you have to work at it. You have to know who you're married
to. And you have to be willing to make the necessary changes and
adjustments to make your home a home of love and peace and rathna
and afraid Allah subhanaw taala you know, grants or grants us
hikma grants, our spouses who we are compatible with and who love
us for who we are who we have to change ourselves in that way or
become other people or be a shell of who we are doubling down
that we are logged Ross's spouse.
If I had a husband, who was trying to taking you to the other
extreme, though, and that's not what we're saying, we're not
saying become a shell forget who you are. I've not said that. And
you yourself have said you are capable of switching hats. So what
I'm saying is he ladies how to switch hats if you want to have
even a semblance of having it all. I don't believe it
possible to habit all but even a bit of the habit all the trick you
need is to learn how to switch hat, which the hat exactly when
you want a boss where the boss hat
don't have to you don't have to throw a hat away. You can make
those switches and you with the with the person who Allah has made
decreed for you, it would work. Yes, I also you don't have to
throw hats away, you can hang hats up for a moment in time, you know,
for a period for a season, you can hang a hat up. Right? And I think
is, I think, you know, we, being a wife and doing the work of being a
wife is not something that naturally that necessarily comes
naturally to everyone. I liken it to motherhood, right. For many
women, there is a natural nurturing instinct, but not
everyone has that. You know, not everyone, for example, if you came
from a family, for example, where, you know, physical touch was not a
thing. You know, you were never told I love you, you know, and
just emotion wasn't expressed. You probably are not going to be a
very expressive Mother, you might mother in the same way that you
were mothered, right? So there's learning to be done. Okay, there's
growth, there's leaning into the uncomfortable, this daring to try
something new. We will do that with work, we'll do that with our
education, we should be prepared, I think to do that with our
spouses and with our children. Again, knowing how important those
roles are. And like you said, many I'm you know, this is legacy work.
You know, this is this is this is legacy work, right? This is this
is what will matter. 100 years from now, is what we invested now
in this next generation. Absolutely. I think while you were
both speaking, I was thinking about something my husband shared
in a talk that he gave once he's because you know, you both know
that in Nigeria, we're so stuck up on titles and you know, things
before and after our name, Professor, this chief that Mo and
engineer.
I've added everything I say nd Lea and
beyond just the PhDs were so stuck up on titles, my husband, there
was a time he had a position he was being called honorable. And
he's like the moment I set my eyes on the gate of the house, I hang
my ego outside, and I enter the house to be a husband. You find
unfortunately these days there's so much competition. Everyone is
you know, there's this flexing of muscles trying to show
intellectual superiority or financial superiority, spiritual
superiority, whatever kind of thing and unfortunately, I think
that's where this feminist thing is leading us to though it's been
going on forever. But you know, who are you trying to impress in a
relationship where it's meant to be a true partnership where you're
meant to be mates? You know, as Allah describes it in Serato, Rumi
has created for us mates and when you think my classmate, you know,
it's not about showing off, you know, but being buddies and
companions, so I think if we get this thing about all the feathers
in our caps out of our heads and, you know, become human, and
fulfill our roles and step into the shoes that have been designed,
divinely designed for us, I think we will now stop worrying about,
you know, having to prove anything, we don't need to prove
anything to our spouse. If we embrace that we need to prove to
ourselves that our character is the best of characters and we
continue to polish our knifes and upgrade our evolved from our
yesterday, we have these endearing qualities that our spouse will
constantly fall in love with. But like just yesterday, my husband
was looking at me and obviously you all know how many marriages
we've been married. And he was just, you know, weighing and
eyeing and saying I don't need to repeat them such beautiful things
to me. I remember calling his son, our youngest daughter and I was
like, rain is like so how's your husband treating you? That's what
my Has my son says to me. I was every morning. So how's your
husband treating you? Like I am? I don't know what to say, you know,
it's like what now? And that's like, you know, he was just
telling me how much he loved me how much he valued me and believe
it and he's like, Yeah, I wish that were my problem in life.
You know, I when I think of the words he says I just keep saying
Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah and I know it's not
an accident, it takes a lot of work to consciously keep upgrading
myself and keep on being beautiful to him whether it's the physical
beauty whether it's beauty and character, but for me, that's what
I keep working to outdo what it was he saw beautiful in me
yesterday and he has used words where librarian you are far more
beautiful to me than the 18 year old I'm married and I can't tell
you how grateful I am because it takes a
A lot of work and I I wear multiple hats I have so many roles
I feel but I still am so glad that I am the wife that he keeps
falling in love with over and over again and you know as he says
beyond what he ever expected beyond what he prayed for even and
I couldn't ask for a better husband than the one I have today
because he's just he keeps working on being the best husband for me
and I can't be more grateful and the best role model for our
children but that intentionality by both couples it's critical you
know, so as much as we prepare our girls we prepare our boys as
mothers we are responsible for creating monsters for somebody
else's daughter so we need to consciously make sure that because
I taught someone just yesterday Don't you dare talk down about a
woman or a girl me and my boys will lie they will come after you
they will be very aggressive in their tone and everything because
they grew up seeing a man defend women they grew up seeing a man
raise one a woman you know and be her support system and you know
push her and but yet it's it's all about mutual respect and given
take and both equally putting in. Masha Allah Subhan Allah may Allah
protect both of your marriages and all the marriages of everyone
who's watching. Guys if you are fascinated by sister Miriam's
description of her marriage, may I suggest that you watch her episode
with Brother side on the marriage conversation because they shared a
lot of their whole journey and if you would not believe that
since you were 18 when you married brother Sade, was he 30?
He was 20 He's 12 years older than me. I don't know, Matt, I think is
that not 20? Yes, yes, yes. I think so. Yes. 28 Mark, well, is
it
only the first thing Okay, so there was a 12 year age gap.
Marian was at Masha Allah and you guys fought nonstop for was it six
years? Almost six years? Yeah. Bad fights literally for me divorce
was on the table at that point. And like every day, so I don't
want I don't look forward to coming home to you. And I was
like, Yeah,
you guys need to watch the watch to have them watch the the podcast
we did together. And also watch system Williams talk in the last
secrets of successful wives conference, because it really for
me, it shows. It shows that this the love that you share with your
spouse is a gift from Allah subhanaw taala. Right. Allah is
the One who joins the hearts right, the fit the hearts are
between the fingers of other human. And sometimes you go
through some hardship. And in fact, often you'll find and what
I've certainly seen anybody who's been married for more than five
years, 10 years, 1520 years, they've been through ups and
downs. And that's what I keep saying to you know, the couples,
the younger couples are struggling right now. And they're struggling
with, you know, the things that you're talking about feeling
unseen, feeling unheard feeling like they're being stifled like
they're a shell of themselves. Like it's not what they expected.
And all of this and I keep, I keep the same message, guys, it's
constant. What are you doing it for? Who are you doing it for? And
what did you think this was going to be? You know, like, what fairy
tale did you think this was not to say that marriage isn't amazing.
So sister, Marian, thank you for dropping these love bombs. Because
we needed that in YouTube, everybody was going to bear right
over there. So it's, it's it's not it's only because we're talking
about challenges. That's why we're not in a feel good space and
celebrating how amazing marriage is. But to complete this. Go and
watch the movie Maryam limo and Sita comas video if you want to
know more about their story, but may I issue everyone a challenge?
This is something that I think will benefit especially our girls,
but also our boys. I'd like to see how many of you are prepared to
spend the next week few weeks expressing gratitude for your
spouse, and actually reflecting on how much you enjoy being married.
So what do I mean by that? Well, instead of taking sort of the
daily things for granted, like you guys, maybe you have a coffee
every morning, right? Instead of just taking it for granted that
you do that. Actually acknowledge that I really love the fact that
we do this, you know, if your husband has a particular thing
that he does that you like, acknowledge it. I love it when you
do such and such I love when you say such and such, and say it to
your kids. I love when Daddy does this. I'm so happy when Daddy and
I get to do that. Because what we don't want is our children growing
up thinking what some of the audience's thinking which is like
marriage sounds like a lot of hard work. Why would I do that? Why
would I put myself through that? Explain to your children,
demonstrate to your children but first and foremost, acknowledge
for yourselves the blessing
The blessings that are real in your lives because of your spouse.
Because of this man you're married to, because of this woman that
you're married to, and allow yourself firstly to acknowledge
it. And I'd love to see who can actually start a culture in their
home of appreciating their spouse to the kids. Let them see you
happy. Let them see you enjoying it? If you are enjoying it, if you
are happy, let them see you. You know and when things aren't great,
and you managed to sort it out, let them see you know, I mean over
masala Maryam, your children I've never seen you argue no, they have
right you are the one who had never seen your parents argue?
Exactly. No, I had to do what my parents missed out on sharing with
us because I never saw them fight. I went into marriage thinking you
don't fight. So we made sure the heroes have disagreements, but
we're not being disagreeable. So we don't fight it doesn't because
part of our code of conduct is it does not deteriorate always
maintained. Good other good respect. always maintained
courtesy and Alhamdulillah. It has allowed them to also learn about
conflict resolution because we talk about it. Yes, you will have
disagreements.
Because it says here I think the hard part is that our children see
non Muslims who are dating having so much fun, and then they come
home and sometimes what they see with mom and dad does not look
appealing. So the halal option looks unappealing. And the Haram
looks enticing. That's up to us guys. Again, taking responsibility
being accountable that's on us. Don't blame the media if you're
not even trying to portray anything to your kids or break
things down or explain anything. And I think just being more open
with them you know, like I know mashallah people who've been
married this their marriage is so solid that kids don't even
recognize it. You know what I mean? Like the kids are in a such
a stable home, they don't even recognize it. They just assume all
homes are like that. They it just plays in the background, you know,
and they don't really see the work that goes in or just the joy that
it brings and the sense of fulfillment that that their mother
feels or their father feels knowing that they've created this
home for their kids. So anyway, guys, those are my last words for
tonight system IDM systems, Rogers echolocate, and for coming. Thank
you so much. That was a very lively session. Anybody who wants
to know more about this feminine and masculine energy and Boss
Babes, etc. Go to one of our previous lives where we were
talking about successful women making good wives and how that can
be done. And may Allah bless all of you in sha Allah. We'll see you
again tomorrow. We start I think we kick off at 10am and Mariam,
you have a treat for us I believe. I hope it's still active because
people are saying that are they still are there still spots? Tell
us about it.
Okay, so so it gave away 10 tickets to my premarital
masterclass and not tickets to three attend slots and I'm about
to give 10 slots. So fastest fingers you go on my website
Marine limo.com And before I give the code which you need to type
in, you can also take advantage of 25% of the cost. If you go on and
register within the next couple of days. It expires on the first when
system the image event ends however fastest fingers 10 Lucky
people type in Mariam 10 And you've got in insha Allah to get
free access to my premarital masterclass May Allah bless you.
I'm so glad I read in the feedback that some have completed the
course and have found it to be amazing. That's been my prayer and
the love that is Monica and your good intentions. Yes, I mean, I
mean does that collaborator and guys if you have already if you
were one of the 10 that got in before everybody else, let us know
in the comments in sha Allah by the time it goes to comments I
think the 10 will be done but there are two guys there are two
there's one code which is brother say EADS code, it's on the same
page and the other code is sister Miriam's code. So if you missed
out on side one, just scroll down slightly. You will see sister
mediums one, grab it, grab it, grab it and make sure you
subscribe to the channel. We want to hit 50k Tomorrow, tell all your
friends what tell you what is it
tell your wives, tell your kids tell your family tell your
neighbors to come and join us on the YouTube channel tomorrow
inshallah we have a fantastic lineup for you, including Sheikh
Abdullah Heike and quick we've got Dr. Mohamed salah. We've got an
ISA kissoon on tomorrow. We've got a fantastic panel talking about,
you know the qualities of a Muslim wife and what we advise our
daughters we've got another brothers panel tomorrow. We've
just got so much going on from 10am all the way to around this
time in Charlotte. So I'll see you guys on the channel tomorrow.
Ladies Zachman law Halal Subhanak Allahumma Robina behind the
eyeshadow and La ilaha illa. And what's the Fluka one or two boo
like a Salam aleikum.
VIPs See you tomorrow in sha Allah and I'm very sorry that the code
didn't work.
Didn't work from admin that all the tickets are gone. So 20
tickets 2020 slots. That's why it didn't work. So then they need to
pay with a 25% discount. You can use the code for 25% off is that
right? Yeah. Okay, my last guy
Snoop Dogg