Naima B. Robert – Part 2 Successful Wives What do Men Want
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Assalamu alaikum, everyone. My apologies.
I think Mohammed gave me hosting. So when
I came off my phone,
to try and switch over to another device,
it, kicked everybody off. It closed down the
entire webinar.
My apologies.
Please everyone know this,
I made a decision
earlier on today. I said Insha'Allah,
when we do Secrets of Successful Wives
2022,
InshaAllah,
we are going to have a tech team
on board. And the tech team are the
ones who are going to set up the
the meetings and the webinars
and the streaming and everything insha'Allah.
And I will not do it all on
my own
because, yeah, it's it's not the best solution.
SubhanAllah. May Allah make it easy. Thank you
so much for all your,
for your patience, everybody. My apologies.
Right. Let's get everybody back where they're supposed
to be.
Miss Miller.
Right.
Okay. Let me know if you guys are
here, if everybody's okay. Yeah. Muawe is here.
Brother Nasir, yes.
Brother Mohammed. Yes.
Great. Great. Great.
Right. Saba, you're so sweet. You're doing so
well hosting and with the tech, sis.
We're just trying. My apologies, brothers.
I think the hosting was put to me
on a particular
blah, whatever. It doesn't matter. Assalamu alaikum, everybody
on YouTube. I will wait for you to
join us again because you probably were kicked
off on your end.
So
I
will
bring,
hopefully, brother Adeen will be able to come
back on.
But, anyway,
as I keep saying, I've been saying all
weekend the show must go on.
So let's, let's keep it moving. Let's keep
it rolling. We are live on YouTube, I
believe. Let me just check, make sure that
we are. Yes. We are. Alhamdulillah. And everybody's
there doing their thing.
So such a great space over there on
YouTube, masha'Allah. It's amazing.
Okay.
Let's start the recording again.
Oh, no. It's recording again. Alhamdulillah. Okay. Thank
you, Zoom. That's good stuff. Okay.
Alright, brothers. Please, take it away. Mawia, you
were going to give us spill the tea
on what these brothers want. Come on.
Dave. So, I mean, what I was about
to say before we cut off, what I
was about to say was,
generally speaking,
a a marriage only works when a
certain mindset is put into place, when a
certain
framework is laid down and everyone's on board.
And
we know that men have rights, and women
have rights.
Now a woman's right over her husband,
primarily,
the most important one, is that she's looked
after both
financially in terms of her being provided her
clothing, her food, her,
accommodation, and whatnot. That's a that's that's a
a huge amount of rights, or that's a
huge right, you could say, or collection of
rights given to the woman.
And
at no point or at at no stage
in that agreement
is is she required
to
to partake or or to take part in
in that
in the the maintenance and the looking after
of the family.
So, essentially, for a man, that's a that's
a huge responsibility.
He has to make sure
that everyone
is
looked after and that he's providing
that that that service, that right, and keeping
everyone,
you know, looked after.
Now that being the case,
doing that, succeeding in doing that is very
difficult. No one's gonna no one's gonna deny
that the rat race is called the rat
race for a reason.
You have to go you have to get
up at a certain time. You have to
go meet certain people. We have to talk
to people we don't not like talking to.
You have to engage. People don't engage in
web. You have to you have to put
us put aside your hunger and wait for
lunchtime or maybe even skip lunchtime to there's
a lot of things you have to do
just to fulfill
that
one right. And there are many other rights
we have, but that's just one the one
of them.
So if one was to ask what does
a man want,
he wants to make that life, that road
easy.
That's it.
As in if he has to go out
every day
and provide for his family,
the last thing he wants to do is
to come home and continue the nonsense,
continue the the the headache, continue the argument,
Continue the
struggles. The the the struggles is outdoors, not
indoors.
And if anything, that will probably be
at the the the the the the forefront
of of what a man is really concerned
with. And I've heard a brother said some
of the things in this in this panel.
It's the things about what woman looking after,
his his assets, when he's away, that kind
of stuff. I mean, that's essentially meaning when
when when when when you hear statements and
phrases like a man looks after once a
woman who looks after his family and his
estate when he's out. What I what I
essentially is saying,
when I go out
and I'm in that stressful world called planet
Earth,
I don't want to also have to worry
about what's at home.
I want to put aside
that concern
and put aside that worries
and focus on that one task. I think
I think Robin Nelson mentioned that issue of
focus. I want to focus
on that game
of earning the risk. That's that's my game.
I don't want to focus on anything else.
I wanna come home. I wanna put that
focus aside. I wanna be reminded of that.
I wanna continue with that. I want to
end that struggle. I wanna have I wanna
have I wanna have a 2 lives, the
life of struggle and a life of ease.
And I think this
I think
if a woman
wants to be in a happy marriage,
she needs to understand
what he must do
for her. He has no say in it.
He if he wants to do nothing at
all, no one's gonna blame her. No one's
gonna criticize her. No one's gonna say anything
bad against her. But if he's not doing
what he's possibly doing, then we'll be saying,
brother,
what are you doing?
Why you're looking out looking after your wife?
Why not why not maintaining the fort, you
could say?
So that being the case,
this is where sometimes,
I would say
friction
may begin
at the home,
especially when the person has been out on
a stressful day, and they come home with
more stress.
So I would say to sisters, they need
to focus on on ask themselves, what do
you really want
from the marriage?
And I don't mean I want someone who
makes me feel this and makes me feel
that and blah blah blah. All these things
about the feelings. It's nice. It's important. But
a marriage is not about a long term
perpetual happiness.
It's about building something. It's about struggle. What
do you really want from your life, from
the marriage?
And if you ask yourself that question and
you say to yourself, this is what I
want,
the next question I would say you need
to ask yourself is, what am I willing
to do to get that?
And I find I find a lot a
lot of times when I get phone calls
from from sisters who have their their their
struggles,
they have a long list of things that
they're not getting.
But when they ask them, what are you
willing to do to get it?
A lot of them are not willing to
do that.
And what I mean by that is the
sacrifice. I'm not saying it's only brothers. Brothers
have the same same thing same questions that
ask themselves. Why are you, brother, willing to
do to get get get what you wanna
have the marriage? But we're here. We're talking
about one side. We're talking about what the
men want, and women are asking, what do
you want? So the question is, sisters, to
yourself,
what are you willing to do
to get a happy home?
Because at this at the end of the
day, if a man is saying, I want
if if you want this from me, this
is what I want from you, you have
to be willing to give.
And that made me if your husband, like,
laughing, brother, not so much for laughing, he
had a very good approach, and I think
that approach came after some level of maturity.
When I got married, I was I got
married at 19. So I wasn't asking those
questions. He was asking. I was asking one
question. When is the marriage? When is Inika?
And that was my only question.
But I think when you mature, you you
start having more focus
as to what you want in life. I
wanna go here. I wanna go there. When
you're young, you're like, wherever I go, I'm
in. Where wherever the wind takes me,
But when you're when you're a bit more
mature and more focused, you're like, okay. I
know where I wanna go. I know my
my my my my,
my my what what I want to achieve
in life, and this is how I want
to get it.
So one has to be,
clear
in their mind about what they want from
their marriage and what are they willing to
do to achieve it. So let me bring
this let me try to make make this
practical, and I don't make this too long.
So
there was one particular case that I was
dealing with. The the the the the marriage
that I was advised that is is to
prove a lot. But
one of the issues that kept to come
up in their marriage was that it was
there was constant fighting, constant arguing. He said
something. She didn't respond because it was silly.
It was it was obnoxious. It was arrogant.
It was this, and she had a issue
with the way he spoke to her and
this and the other and so so so.
So I just said to the sister,
okay.
Have you tried not saying anything? And then
he's being rude and obnoxious. Have you tried
just
not saying anything? Or maybe give him a
hug and say I love you. He's being
rude, and your response to him is I
love you. I mean, have you tried that?
Why should I do that? I have my
respect. I have this. I have that.
And that response,
I had to I had to educate and
sister said, look, sister.
What are you willing to do to get
what you want? You keep on saying, why
should I have to?
But this is the issue.
Most Muslims, and this is I hope this
will be the most important thing everyone takes
from what I say. Most Muslims don't realize
that none of us deserve anything.
Listen carefully.
There is nothing you could say I deserve
x y zed.
If you are given it, Alhamdulillah.
It's a blessing from Allah.
And if you're not given it to Sabr
Nasbir al Allah, we we have Sabr. We
have Sabr.
And this is this is this is this
if you don't have that at your core,
I don't see much much much room for
success in a long term marriage. If you
think that marriage is only about getting what
you want,
then you've not understood what marriage is really
like.
Marriage is about
sacrifice.
Marriage is about patience.
You may not get exactly what you want.
You may not get the 15 kids you
wanted to have,
but the question is, what are you willing
to do to fulfill the rights of Allah?
I bring back to and I'll ask a
draw upon what brother,
Sayedul mentioned about this issue of of of
Islam.
If you don't have Islam
as your criterion,
as your as your
yardstick,
then I can't see how you can ever
come together up on anything and or come
to or agree upon anything. How can you
possibly? Because at the end of the day,
most of what we argue about in our
homes
is all subjective things.
And I and I and there's one interesting
thing I came across. That was one non
Muslim, but it was a very important point.
It's about and I I think Marshall and
Nasser probably expanded a bit bit more about
this because into psychology.
Most attributes
have a dual personality to them.
Meaning,
in some perspective,
it's really annoying.
In other same perspective, the same attribute
is really useful. Mhmm. And I mentioned this
to this to Niman before. Being punctual,
some of them might really appreciate being punctual.
Masha'Allah is personally punctual and and, you know,
it's always on time. It's always delivering when
he says it as he wants it. Masha'Allah.
But to someone else, that's an annoyance. It's
like, bro, can I give me a break?
Every you you you're you're always on my
case. Like, 5 minutes late, and you're always
on my case having it. So the same
attribute of being punctual,
to some people it's a good thing, and
to other people it's a bad thing. And
what we have to realize is that there
is no perfect attribute.
Every single characteristic of your husband or of
your wife
has a positive side and has a negative
side. And most cases in marriages
is more about perspective. How have you interpreted
that,
behavior?
How have you responded
to that behavior? So just to draw a
conclusion about the issue of what do men
want.
Again, all all our community say, to be
honest, is that,
I mean, I I'm I'm I'm advising women
here because it feels if it feels in
the room of men, obviously, it's something else,
but I'm advising a room of women. I
would say to women, you need to actually
focus
that when your husband comes home,
what does it what what is needed to
happen to make him smile?
Maybe he might be doing dishes, and maybe
you hate doing the dishes. But if it
makes him smile, is it worth it?
Maybe having the kids put to bed nice
and washed and head done and and clothes
pressed. If that's what makes him happy,
is that worth is doing that thing worth
having a happy home?
This is the questions he needs to ask
yourself realistically.
And tell and tap in at home, he
tells him, find out what he wants. Don't
say don't ask him, by the way. Don't
say, what do you want? I'm saying that.
But I'm saying tap into the things that
makes him happy. Do certain things, see his
response, and that because every man is different.
And then once you've found the thing that
makes him happy, even though it might not
be something that you like doing,
if it's something that makes him happy, question
now is, is it worth doing a thing
than a happy home? And I think, we
can in a dialogue, we'll have more conversation
about about that inshallah, about other things.
The the the thing that comes to mind
is the the
the. Right? Somebody that can be the tranquility
for me at home while I, as a
man, I'm going about my day to day
slaying the proverbial dragon outside,
doing a madness,
breaking my back. I don't wanna come home
to something which is going to increase and
exacerbate
that tension.
All a man really wants, and and this
is the message, Insha'Allah, I want to give
to as well, is just to lay his
head on your lap and feel that sense
of tranquility.
And and, maybe you can elaborate as to
why why was HAWA created for Adam as
in
Right?
As in so that so that Adam
can can can feel that sense of tranquility,
ease as What what I found sorry. What
I found about this issue of the is
that generally speaking,
if a woman makes her husband happy,
his happiness makes her happy.
It's a mutual thing. And this what happens
a
that's what one interesting interesting thing in the
Arabic language is that the the word for
wife is actually the same word for a
husband.
I know we say the word as husband
and
as a wife, but, ironically, in the Arabic
language, the word in the feminine
in the books of inheritance because you have
to distinguish between the male, the husband, and
the wife. But
the the question is, okay, why is the
same word
used for a husband and used for wife
is because the word
means a pair.
Husband and wife are not supposed to be
opposite people, and,
you could say,
puzzle pieces that don't fit. You're supposed to
be one picture, one image.
You, your wife, your children, you're supposed to
build an image.
Was to come together and coalesce
and build an image.
This is how it has it has to
be. So when it comes to a has
when a husband is happy,
she will be happy. When she is happy,
he'll be happy. So both sides, the husband
and wife have to actually make effort to
make the other side happy. But like I
said, the question now is what are you
willing to do to achieve that? And I
think, unfortunately, sometimes on both ends, husband and
wife, some of us, we get a bit
of our ego. And it's like, no. Why
should I do this when they're not doing
that for me? But, bruv,
even even though she's got any nerves, even
though he's got any nerves, what I willing
to do or even forgive
to achieve happiness. I willing to to let
go of certain things to achieve happiness. And
that is that is I mean, at the
end of the day, just to just to
just to conclude,
any successful marriage that's been on that's been
on for a while, the the most important
thing that was any person will say to
you to me, if I'm married for long,
they would say, look.
Marriage is one continuous
struggle,
and you have to make it work. If
you the the moment it stops happening, the
moment that my marriage ends is when you
decide
to end it. Listen carefully. A marriage ends
only when you decided to end.
But you can also decide to continue it.
You can also decide to make it work.
You can make that you can make that
decision. I can decide to myself. I'm gonna
make this work.
But as I as I say,
Is that say in America? By hook or
crook?
Can I add a point Yeah? Yeah. Go
for it. Go for it. So a couple
of points came to mind. And so exactly.
When you say interpretations
from the from the lens of,
hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I have
to stop.
Mohammed, I I think you were going to
go. Are you good if I if I
stop? You, please, please.
Please. You're good. Because I I again, I
believe in beauty before age, and you know
I'm old enough. I haven't seen I haven't
seen a more dapper, brother. I'm not even
exaggerating that he may lost. I'm really preserving
My dapperness has never my dapperness has never
got me on a billboard. So you you
salute to you,
my brother salute. So quick, quick points,
what came to my mind. So
from, from a lens, from a lens of
a modality, interpretations
are those things.
Event happens, you perceive it. You and I
may perceive it, the same, but the evaluation
we both make, the interpretation we both make
of that situation
can be totally different.
And so that's the thing that we all
have control over and need to need to
take personal responsibility over. We take personal responsibility
over the thoughts that we have,
right? The event we can't control, Allah says
he's gonna test us. That is gonna happen.
So you don't have control over that, but
you do have control over those interpretations.
And so this point that you brought up
in that example about the sister saying,
I have my respect.
For me, when I hear that, that's that
first line in it. And that second sentence
that may not be said is, and this
is a form of him disrespecting me, and
he and I'm not gonna let him disrespect
me.
Versus,
I have my respect, and the other line
is,
and he's a fallible human being, and this
is his expression of fallibility.
This is his expression of not having control
over his emotion.
Doesn't excuse it,
but you can see
one one interpretation,
one self talk is gonna lead to you
being angry, and thus, I have to show
him. The other is gonna lead to you
just being maybe irritated with your husband and
thus responding
in a different way.
Again, that all comes back to you controlling
the interpretation
you make. One last point, because I want
to be concise. I want Mohammed to be
able to say that I was concise.
So early when I was saying knowing your
deficiencies,
that helps you know what you can do,
and thus
that thus, that helps you understand what you're
willing to do because you know your capacity.
Right? So, again, we come back to
for me, when I, when I hear what
my brother's saying, for me, it comes back
to you have to have that self awareness.
You have to know your capacity, what you
can do, what you can do, and thus
what you're willing to do.
So so go ahead go ahead. I thought
my thought brother say Brother say to come
in.
I want to, just pick up where brother
Dasar left off in his early presentation
about
what we
men want in our wives.
But I want to go to a particular
hadith
where Sula Salaam
said, the man is like the shepherd
of his flock.
Whatever direction he goes, they follow.
In an ideal world, we will all get
ready made wives.
It isn't usually the case.
Over 20 years of counseling,
when brother Naso talked about checking your baggage,
during courtship,
we always present both men and women
the best sides of our character
or even our experiences.
But one thing we should always remember is
that we are the sum of our experiences.
And if we have
unresolved issues
and we take them into the marriage,
that's where true love steps in
because
many of us go in damaged.
Many of us.
In a previous discussion I had
with
sister Neiman,
I shared the story of my
experiencing
sexual abuse
from another boy or older boy.
Now
many women
also have that baggage.
It took me almost
10 years
to tell my wife
that I've had that experience.
Fortunately for me,
I didn't allow it
to make me into a victim,
and
I didn't perpetrate the same disgusting
thing on others.
But
when women come in with that baggage,
that's where men step up
and try to help them heal.
And in the process,
they get over it
because some come in with a lot of
anger
because of unresolved issues of which you had
no party
to. You were not involved.
But once in a while, those unresolved issues
have a way of rearing their ugly heads
and causing chaos
in a marriage.
Now when brother Naso talked about self awareness,
among the things we teach
people that come to us
is we tell them we're going to embark
on a journey of self discovery,
a journey into the self.
And we ask them to
have a column.
1 is strengths,
attributes, 1 is challenges, and weaknesses.
And one of the things
that that does, and we say be honest
because it's not about right or wrong. It's
just about truth.
And when you're having problems in a marriage
and you are honest about it. Some things
a woman can't tell me she'll discuss with
Mariam, and that is what we we we
make that disclaimer
because of maybe the embarrassment.
But what we try to do,
and I urge everybody to do that, is
to just
a self a a a journey into the
self.
When you know you're not perfect, brothers and
sisters, you're
more accommodating of the other person's shortcomings.
Because I think brother Nasr also said that,
that we're not perfect.
And
said
the most disliked people in the eyes of
Allah are those who are most argumentative.
So, again,
applies to both brothers and sisters.
When there's a disagreement,
calm down. Just say, what is it that
I'm after?
Is it massaging my ego,
or is it to have peace and harmony
in the home?
Because the home is supposed to be a
place of solace for both husband and wife.
Not just one person, both husband and wife.
And as long as both of us are
looking in that direction and that's why I
went I started with the man being the
shepherd of his flock.
Is you guide
as a.
You're responsible.
You guide.
You set the rules, not in a very
hard fast way,
but according to the guidelines as stipulated in
the holy Quran and the sunnah of prophet
Muhammad Sallallahu alaihi wasallam. Because satisfying
those rights, meeting those rights is an act
of Ibadah. It's not about my ego. I
tell people
when I go out to work, it doesn't
matter what title I'm holding,
managing director, chairman, director general, whatever.
Once I get to the gate of my
home, I hang my ego out on the
gate. I don't come into the house with
it.
Why? It's a place of peace,
and I don't come in with an attitude
and neither does my wife meet me with
an attitude.
But the more I always say something about
coming home
and getting peace.
And so did brother Malik.
My father-in-law taught my wife that 30 minutes,
an hour to 30 minutes before I come
back from work,
she tidies the house.
She takes a shower.
She puts on some makeup.
And the moment she hears me approaching the
door, she actually meets me at the door
and opens the door
with a smile and would first and foremost
ask me, how was your day?
Now whatever baggage
I had coming into the house,
That just sorts of melts away.
But I wanna say something about
what we should commit to,
and in exchange,
we expect that also from our spouse. That
is to commit to help
to support each other's development spiritually,
physically, emotionally,
intellectually,
socially, and in service to humanity.
There has to be something bigger than both
of us.
No. And all this
is done
as we fulfill each other's needs, wants, and
fantasies.
But when I talked about the gamut, the
sutra,
it's about when
a wife or husband
errs,
you will make excuses for them. For Sula
said they were made out of one of
our ribs, and he said the rib isn't
straight.
It's curved. It's bent.
When when you try to force to straighten
it out, it will break.
So we keep that in mind that the
way we are wired is different from the
way the women are wired,
and we lead.
We are the leaders.
And among the rights of the husband
is what one of the brothers said he
expects
the wife to do. It's already stipulated
to protect your property.
Among those rights also is not to allow
anybody into the home that you disapprove of.
That is your home.
That's also the rights of the husband.
But brother Moaiya says something that I tend
to I smile because I tend to tell
people.
When you line them up, when you compare
them,
the rights of the husband
and the rights of the wife, believe you
me, you're tempted to say, I think they
have more rights than we do.
You look at it carefully,
and you're like, my goodness. Because he mentioned
some of them.
And these are areas where we need to
be very careful.
It's not the ego. I know culture has
a lot of influence, but ultimately, like I
said in the beginning,
we're not gonna be judged based on culture.
We're gonna be judged based on the guidelines
as stipulated
in the holy Quran and the sunnah prophet
Muhammad.
But the Nasr says something about interpretation.
Yes. It's a wide range.
You could understand it one way. Some could
understand another.
The only caution is we make sure we
don't step out of bounds,
and we end up on the side that
is wrong. And that's why we're cautious.
And that's why in many in all matters
that we deal with,
we approach it with a gentle,
soft, and moderate approach
so that, Insha'Allah,
when we come to manage
our responsibilities
as heads
of the household.
But the Nasr, without a doubt, that is
an area that need not be debated upon.
That is the right that Allah has entrusted
in men.
So there's no
situation where the woman wears the pants. It's
just Islamically
not gonna happen.
But
respect in leadership is earned.
The man has to earn that respect. How
does he do that by being knowledgeable?
By acting according to those teachers,
by leading by example,
by teaching
those lessons
patiently,
and by being as supportive
as he can be
when they are unable
to check that baggage.
So those responsibilities
just you know,
societies, I think I lived in the states
for 22 years.
I left this country when I was,
I believe,
19.
I didn't come back till I was 41.
And 10 of those 20 years,
I was living there with Mariam as my
wife.
So
throughout
our life in the states,
with all the things Abu Dhabi talked about,
the rat race and so on and so
forth.
I did my best not to deviate
from those rights and responsibilities.
I taught them. I did the best I
could. And like he said, you cannot do
it a 100%.
But but, you know, all actions are just
the calling intentions, and Allah knows what's in
our hearts.
And in his mercy
and understanding
of the wife because I had I have
a wife
who knows those rights like the back of
a hand.
And wallahi,
every opportunity
Mariam has
to relieve me
of those rights, she jumps on it because
it is a source of reward,
immense reward
for her. So there's no competition. If there's
a competition
in my home,
it is competing in who gets the most
rewards from Allah.
That's the main areas we compete about.
But when we argue,
when we
argue, Mariam
reads my my mind, reads my mood,
and even when she wants to raise an
issue,
she takes time to see how was my
husband's day.
And then she would say,
this may not be the right time.
I'll let him calm down,
and then I'll raise the issue. So if
I've had a rough day, very difficult day,
and she has some issues that she wants
to bring to my attention, she's very, very
considerate
of being mindful of my mood, and she's
not there to add problems. So she waits.
When the situation comes down and I'm okay
and I'm happy, she says,
I want to make an appointment to discuss
something with you in a very polite manner.
And I know there's something bothering my wife.
She doesn't come with a high tone, with
disrespectful tone, demanding this or that. And then
I say, okay.
I prepare myself. No. It's gonna be a
difficult conversation.
And I
also check myself in saying,
it's gonna be tough.
You make sure
you have your Teflon coat on so that
whatever she throws in your direction doesn't upset
you. Yours is to filter out any annoying
choice of words used
and just get to
the meat of the discussion. What is the
problem?
And that's how we've been doing it
for over 24 years.
So,
sorry for taking so long, but I just
wanted to, you know, touch upon what brother
Nasir said, whether whether Moaiya said,
and to concur with certain things. And,
thank you very much.
Can I just jump tonight may I just
jump in here actually, brother? JazakAllah Khair and
all of you for, listen, just the gems.
But, sister Madi, we've had several panels with
her over the weekend, and she actually told
us about,
making an appointment to fight.
And, she said to us that she she
asks you to make an appointment to fight,
quote, unquote, you know, to to to go
through something. Right?
And she said,
she holds whatever the thought is until you
find time in your schedule
to to have this conversation.
And she said sometimes it takes him 3
days.
But then when we have that conversation, you
know, he gives me his attention and we
have the conversation. And I said to her,
Maryam, I actually think your husband is play
is putting game on you.
Because the fact that he's giving you 3
days,
you know, to kind of calm down and
just, you know, center your
self before you have the conversation. I think
there's a bit of psychology there. I heard
I heard where you said that, and I
chuckled.
And the truth of the matter is when
you seem when I take those number of
days,
I'm trying to deal with some of the
crisis,
I have in me. And it will not
all go well,
not dealing with that to then start another
discussion.
So,
I never game Mariam. She's too intelligent for
that.
And at the end of the day, sister
Naima,
when you play games
with your spouse,
even if she's she's not onto it,
Allah is,
and Allah will not be pleased with you.
So in everything that Marima and I
do to discuss,
we do not ever forget
to put Allah first.
We are open to him,
And,
manipulation of that nature, I study a bit
of psychology, so I know what you were
referring to. But Mariam is the first to
tell you that I don't do that. I'm
a straight shooter.
And sometimes I'm trying to deal with
something she said before that I hadn't dealt
with.
And I'm afraid if it raised again, I
might lose
focus, and we may not arrive at
an amicable solution that, mutually beneficial.
So I I I deal with those things.
I deal with them 1 by 1. I
kinda make a mental list, and I say,
check 1, check 2, check 3, check 4.
Okay. Everything's fine. Let's sit down and take
and have this discussion. Sometimes it's just a
day. Sometimes,
like she said, 3 days.
But at the end of the day, one
asks oneself,
what is it you're trying to attain?
It is to resolve a misunderstanding.
Each person wants to be understood.
At the end of the day, that's what
we all wish for. I just want to
be understood.
And if that's the objective,
then we should be mindful of how we
express ourselves to each other and how we
listen.
Among the things we do is we teach
both effective listening and effective communication.
Choices of words.
No. I can't do right now is the
same as no. You know, I don't care
to do it for you right now. But
the meaning, the impacts are different.
So we careful,
and I tell people articulate your thoughts.
As you articulate your thought, you're articulating your
speech.
So it comes out right. It comes out
properly
with consideration, with compassion, and with respect.
And when we talk about respect,
if the man
loves respect,
he should also extend respect.
And what does that mean? Just talk politely
with your to your spouse. Just be considerate.
Just be compassionate. Be understanding.
And,
so in answer to that question, I was
hoping for an opportunity to actually address it.
No. I wasn't gaming her sister, Naima. I
wasn't at all. Oh, I apologize. I apologize.
No. I no. It's easily misunderstood because I
remember having a discussion
with, a brother from Egypt.
You know him. I think it's it's Mohammed
Saad. I'm I'm trying to remember. And he
was in Nigeria to give a lecture, and
we were discussing
polygamy.
And I remember, Mariam,
I was counseling somebody who was about to
get married. And I was urging this gentleman
to just tell his first wife that he
is getting married to a second wife. And
he'll say, no. I'm not gonna do that.
You're just being so European, so American. And
so and I'm saying, no. It's just courtesy.
It's just respect.
And so as we were counseling that gentleman,
Mariam said, do you know when you respect
your wife and you treat her well?
She might be the one to even ask
you to marry a second wife? And she
wanted to say, I almost asked Sayeed to
marry a second wife. That blew me away
because we'd been married, like, 25 years that
time. And I looked at my name in
shock because she's never told me.
And I was like, who? And she said,
no. I'm not telling you. She's already married.
So
we were discussing this Muhammad Saleh. And,
I was just telling this story to Muhammad
Saleh. And I said, you know, Muhammad, I
called Mariam aside, and I told her,
Mariam,
if you
are asking me to marry a second wife,
she'll be she'll be like a spectator in
this marriage because of what we've been able
to build over the years.
And then I can look at Mariam across
the room. I will start laughing because we
can communicate without actually talking to one another,
another. And she can I can send a
joke across the room without saying a word
to Maria? So I said
and I remember telling this before Muhammed Salah,
and he just looked at me and said,
oh, brother. That's such a good line. And,
you know, he gave me a hug. No.
Like,
No, brother. I'm not. That wasn't an act.
That was genuine. I was being honest.
So I'm telling you this story to say
it's you didn't you didn't do anything wrong.
It's easy it's easy to misunderstand
these things. So
Alhamdulillah.
And brother, you had your hand up, I
think.
Yes. I just wanted to just just to,
just hone in one key point that Nasiv
mentioned
about the issue
of of interpretation.
That is that is,
I would say probably one of the most
important
things one has to learn in a marriage.
And the reason I say learn is because
I've said this to many people. When I
put when you get married, especially for the
first time, obviously, when you get married,
no one
was born with the knowledge of how to
be a good husband or a good wife.
Yeah. I mean, you might learn
the rights and whatnot, but it doesn't make
you a good husband or good wife. Just
like how might learn what it takes to
be a doctor and and about medicine, but
it doesn't make you a good doctor. So,
in a marriage,
you have to
learn
on the job,
literally speaking. You have to learn on the
job, what it takes to be good wife,
what it takes to be good husband. And
that understanding,
if you just slot that understanding
into your interpretation
of of events,
it should make you you should make your
the the the path of
success easier.
Why?
Because when your husband messes up, when your
wife messes up, you know,
well,
we're both new at this thing. It's gonna
take time. And we both have both have
to learn. And like I said to you
before when I had this previous discussion,
a husband and a wife are like 2
stones.
And when you live together, you're rubbing together.
It takes time for the face of the
2 stones to become smooth
Therefore, the friction is less. It takes time.
You're not gonna you're not you're not you're
not born to fit. There's no such thing
as the perfect fit or a soulmate. This
all of that stuff is nonsense. You have
to make time
to to grow together, and that's why at
least
at least,
I'll say, 7 to 10 years is about
a rough rough amount of time to to
say where just to say whether or not
you can even begin
to work together. I think even in psychology,
they say that every 10 years, essentially, as
a personality, you change from one person to
another person. It takes a long time for
you to absorb your life,
absorb the experiences,
and and you put that into how you
are and become.
And that means
10 years living with this woman, living with
this man, you learn
how to behave
together or together. And this is why I
think I want I want to to to
to draw upon what or there's a question
in the in the q and a. Is
it too way to to to draw into
that now, Sysna?
Or whoever's hosting it today? Because the only
question here is I'm sorry. Say that again?
Yeah. I I just I just noticed there
was a question in the q and a,
which which kinda ties into what I was
saying. I was I was wondering if you
can address it now as I was doing
a question and question q and a and
Go for it. The question was how how
to know when a relationship
is not going anywhere. I went to call
it quits.
And, when I read that, I thought to
myself,
I think this is a wrong perspective.
What does it mean to go anywhere?
A marriage is about building a bill a
building a legacy.
Building a legacy takes time. I mean I
mean, if you if you really think about
it, a lot of the things of the
past, buildings, like even like massive cathedrals and
massages and bridges. These of these projects in
the past took generations.
That means the guy
who built who laid the first brick for
this building or put the first foundations for
this bridge
knew
he would never see it finished,
but yet he dedicated his life to building
this thing.
If we look at a marriage and a
family like that, we are building something. We
may not even see the fruits of it
in our lives. Absolutely. But we know we're
trying to build something bigger. So it's having
a question of how I know it's not
gonna go nowhere. What does that really mean?
You may never see it go anywhere. It
may it may manifest itself years down the
line. I have no idea how it happens.
And listen. Listen. Listen. I'm sure everyone
everyone
in in this listening to this conversation has
had
certain people in their lives. Maybe they kind
of just washed it into their lives and
washed it out.
But maybe they said something to you, made
one comment to you, and did one thing
to you that changed everything
about who you was or or how you
behave in certain certain scenarios.
Maybe that's the only thing
that has to happen that you to to
get the I mean, I mean, it might
be being a Muslim.
I I've learned about Islam.
Used to give doubt to Islam even. Before
I was Muslim, by the way, I used
to give doubt to Islam.
Before.
I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but that was
the case. I took I used to give
doubt to Islam. I was a Muslim.
And then one day,
one guy called Zeeshan, I don't know who
he was, I met him.
And he said to me, you hypocrite.
He's saying Islam, Islam, Islam, and then you're
eating pork.
And he walked off.
Well, I hate before that before the event,
I didn't know this guy. After he said
that, I never met him again. But that
statement
forced me psychologically to go to the.
Just one one statement
that changed my life forever.
So maybe you think, oh, my marriage is
not going anywhere, it's doing anything. But maybe
there's something that's communist in in the in
the parts that you have no idea it's
gonna manifest
would change the the the the the the
the, the the future of yourself,
your husband, your family. Even the. Imagine
imagine this nonsense
idiot husband that you're with that you you
can't you can't stand to look at his
face
for whatever reason.
And then you had with this situation, you
had children, and
your child is the.
I mean, it could have it could be
the case. Are you telling me it's impossible?
Are you telling me are you telling me
that your husband has to be the of
Allah for your life and everything's company to
be to be to be successful? No. It's
about building something
for the future. So what that means, what
I'm trying to what I'm trying to get
at now is
you don't have to have a perfect marriage
to have a successful one. Listen carefully.
You don't have to have
a perfect marriage
to have a successful one. You can have
a successful marriage where you are looked after,
he is looked after. You have I mean,
that this is the thing. Most people don't
even realize what it actually is to be
single, to go back out into the into
into the world, but look for that perfect
perfection.
You you you're laughing.
I I and and I'll conclude and I'll
stop here because I don't let all of
us talk. There's one particular sister
I was speaking to a couple months ago,
and she literally said to me,
said, oh, she said, oh, my husband, he's
this and the other. He's got bipolar. He's
this and he's that. And all those all
the complaints. I said, yeah, my sister, I
mean,
how is he with the kids? He's the
best husband I can I can I can
wish for for the kids? I mean, does
he provide free my husband's working all the
time. I hardly even see him.
So, sister,
what's going on?
Are you really considering because you're considering the
ending the marriage. Are you really considering ending
the marriage?
Taking your children away from that
for the possibility
of finding someone better?
You may even find someone even worse,
but you're willing to end something which you
know is good
for the possibility of something that may come
that's good.
And this is something this is what I'm
saying. At the end of the day, when
it comes to when it comes to the
dunya,
we have to recognize why are we here.
We are here to worship
Allah and to build something for the future,
for the even. For the.
And, again, I don't I don't wanna go
on on, but it's one last point. The
one sister came to our center, and she
mentioned to me,
since I've become Muslim, my life has been
difficult. It's been hard. It's in this trial
after that trial. I'm I have issues with
my family and hijab and blah blah blah.
Why is why is this as soon as
I become Muslim, life is so difficult?
As I said, sister, do you reckon Islam
is here to make your life happy?
Islam is here to make you go to
Jannah.
This this dunya is not here to this
is not Jannah.
Dunya is not jannah.
Dunya is trials.
It's the janitor to the kuffar. It's the
jannah of the kuffar, and it's a situa
for the Muslim. It's the prison for the
Muslim.
Expect difficulty.
Expect hardship. And that means every step of
your marriage is gonna be hardship. It's gonna
be tears. But you know
if you choose to make it work, you're
gonna make the effort to make it work.
And I don't wanna go on more. I'll
I'll let our brothers have had get more
feedback.
I just like to say, jazakallahu khairan, as
you can see in the the chat is
on fire with breach and hear, hear, and
yes, and SubhanAllah.
And,
you know,
just a bit of a brag moment here.
Almost everyone on this panel
is a guest on the marriage conversation show,
by the way, guys. So if you liked
what these brothers were saying, make sure that
you watch the episode that they come on
on the marriage conversation,
because they they'd say so much more of
what they have been sharing today, mashaAllah. And
I think
just amazing, amazing insights,
from all the panellists, mashaAllah. Now there's a
question here that I really feel is, is
very, very important one, because I think it's
a very common concern that a lot of
sisters have. And that is, sister said, how
can we increase our respect for our husbands?
There's a part of me that looks down
on him if I'm completely honest.
This kind of ties in with your point
brother Muawiya about the husband not being everything
that you wanted him to be. Okay. Whether
it's earning enough, whether it's looking good enough,
whether it's having as much, you know, status
or gravitas in the community, or, you know,
not being as hands on
enough as a father, whatever it is
in your mind, you have an ideal. Right?
Most women and most of us,
we
have
a deal
of
who
the our
husband
should
be who we want him to be.
So I'm just I think the connection is
quite weak because
It's normal. The connection is quite weak.
With
I'll just you know. I'll just take that
question and start off. Feeling of looking down
on him and with the ideal that we
have.
So it's just the name. I think the
connection is breaking up, so I'll take that.
I think the question was around
literally, the word is hypergamy. Right? When the
hypergamy is not being being satisfied.
Catch any of that? So I was Yeah.
I mean, I've got it in the end.
It was just coming in slow. I've got
the question. Is the question direct to I
got it too. Yeah.
So
I
just don't know. I think maybe she's broken,
but, essentially, it's it's a good. In
in this global,
you know, global sexual marketplace we that we're
living in where, you know, all it takes
is a connection,
Internet connection to see
the top 10% of men everywhere. How is
that affecting the sisters?
Obviously, you got the bulk of the question.
Any any brother,
please.
I mean,
the issue of looking down upon, upon anyone,
really,
I would say, and no offense intended, that
this is a this is a problem with
the sister.
Reason being
is because,
as prophet Saeed mentioned,
we all have failings. There's no such thing
as a perfect person. I mean, I may
be good at ice skating, but I'm terrible
at basketball. I mean, we're not good at
everything.
It's not possible to say that one person
is is good at everything. So if a
person looks down upon someone,
I I would say that maybe they're not
looking at the other person's positives.
And that essentially is is, I would say,
at the root cause of almost all marriage,
difficulties or complications is that both parties, whoever
whoever is involved,
fails to recognize the good that the other
party has. Even if it's something as simple
as, you know,
for example, there's,
the idea of just just just thinking about
a sister.
Husband is fully insured in this, that, and
the other. But if you ask sister, do
you ever have to worry about your your
electricity being cut off or your phone bill
being cut off or your or your water
being cut off? I mean, are you ever
worried about being homeless or being hungry in
another day?
The these are
huge
blessings and virtues that one can't overlook. Yeah.
Maybe your husband is not half of the
Quran. Maybe he doesn't do all the sunnah
that you've got him to do, But there's
plenty of other things that he does. So
just like in the hadith and
where he mentioned that for the man to
the man, actually, that if you if you
find something,
a fault in your wife,
you might find other things that she is
good at, or that's all things that that
impress you or that that that makes you
feel happy about her. And that's that is
I think that keep bringing back the issue
and also mention about framing.
You need to frame things
correctly.
He's not good at this. What is he
what is he good at? Or
or he's not good at this thing
now. What can I do to help him
get good at good at it? That's why
another thing another way of looking at it.
Maybe he's not good at something. What can
I do to support him and encourage him
and help him to get better at this
thing you think he needs to be good
at? I mean, maybe that's just why we
look when we're looking at it. I don't
know. But, I mean, I think the idea
of of of,
how a person feels about someone I think
we we as human beings are more in
control of our our
our what we think than we than we
give ourselves credit for,
especially, like, because I'm like even actually some
of the arguments.
And one time it was a lot it's
years back now, but the other one time
I had other I had a click moment
in my head. When I see when I
used to get, you know, you know, in
those moments where you think, oh, I wanna
be right in this argument. I want I
I wanna I wanna make my case. I
wanna have an I wanna have this argument,
win this argument. And I thought to myself
one day,
is it worth it?
And if I win the argument, so what?
How has my marriage increased?
If I made a point, and I've and
I've submit and I've made my wife agree
with me,
so what? I mean, how how how has
my life increased anyway? It hasn't. And that's
what I've I learned in my own marriage
is, like, I don't have to prove prove
a point. I can just get along. The
point is to be happy, not to be
in arguments. And that was a that that
actually was a conscious decision. It wasn't something
that anything around me changed. It was something
I changed about myself. I changed my perception
and decided
it wasn't important. And maybe maybe that's the
case that everyone is doing. You need to
decide, are the things you think is important
that important?
But, yeah, I mean, I I think bravo
bravo say it and us have got the
the hands of let them say each other
other things.
Yes. I I just wanted to say,
oftentimes,
we have to
but the I agree with a lot of
what you've said, but we have to find
out what it is that the man is
doing that's causing the disrespect.
Is he not fulfilling promises he made?
Is he not praying his 5 daily prayers?
Is he not fasting during the month of
Ramadan?
You know, there there are multitude of
reasons that could make a woman not respect
her husband.
And like I said earlier, respect has to
be earned. It's not automatic.
Just because you're the husband doesn't mean you're
or you will automatically
get respect if you don't live up to
those responsibilities
that the husband ought to do. And like
I said, in those cases where he's unable
to meet certain responsibilities, it's a matter of
discussion.
I'm having challenges in meeting this and that.
You're open. You're you're sincere. You're honest.
And,
let's discuss it. How can you assist me,
in in in in in meeting these obligations?
And I remember when Mariam would cook because
when we went into
marriage, I told Mariam among her responsibilities, there's
nothing there's no verse. There's no hadith
that talks about cooking, and Buddha Mawi also
made allusions to that point.
And I did 70%
of the cooking in the home.
I had a formula. It worked. I would
cook a lot of meals. I'll freeze them
immediately, and we take them out and eat.
And when those are done and I had
a timetable.
Saturdays, I cooked for Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.
Wednesday evening, I cooked for Thursday.
And Friday Saturday, I take her out. Friday,
we go watch a movie or something like
that. You know? So I had it down
pat. It wasn't difficult.
But when Mariam
would do something
that I, by my understanding
of the religion,
is not a responsibility
of hers,
I will say, Mariam,
make the intention. Make the nia that you're
gonna be doing something
in the form of sadaqah to me.
So we had an understanding,
and it was really not difficult. You know?
Like brother Muawe talked about winning an argument.
You know? I mean, what's the objective? You
want a wife as a loser?
Is that the objective? I win every argument.
She's subservient to me. She doesn't argue with
me. I get my way every time. I
mean, you you kinda ask yourself,
is that the kind of environment I want
in my home
where I win every argument, I win every
debate
because I'm the man.
Now what does that give you? Maybe it
may make you feel good, but what does
it do to your wife?
And if we are to be the kindest
to them,
and prophet Muhammad
said, I'm the best amongst you because I'm
the one who's kindest to my wives,
and he's our role model.
Why don't we make that the objective? And
back to the issue of respect.
In one aspect,
but Huawei is right.
Unless
those failures or those things he's not meeting
up with
within his responsibility
and he's not fulfilling them without justification,
without reason, without logic,
then he is really inviting that disrespect upon
himself.
But if it's something different that comes with
challenges of the economy or, you know, circumstances,
then you say, honey, let's sit down and
talk about this. I'm supposed to be doing
this, but I'm having challenges here and there.
There's nothing wrong in discussing, and this is
where the sutura aspect comes in.
The wife would come in and help the
husband without anybody in the whole world knowing
about it. She is his garment. Nobody knows
that he's not the one doing this thing,
that she's the one doing it just between
husband and wife. Nobody else should know about
that. That's the aspect of the sutra.
You cover him and he covers you.
So it's important we understand this and the
sisters understand this and that when a person
comes out of a background
of, I'm sorry to use this, egotistical men,
And we have a lot of that in
Africa.
And they're too proud to even admit they're
having problems meeting up with their responsibilities.
And rather than just having that conversation with
the wife, they just ignore those responsibilities,
forgetting the fact that they're not just ignoring
their wives.
They are offending a lot
because those duties, like I said, it's not
a buffet. You don't pick and choose. Those
are obligations.
And we have that
incidences. We have a lot of those incidences
in in Africa and Nigeria.
A lot of the counseling that we do,
men have dropped
their roles and responsibilities
and are making women carry the burden, and
it's causing a lot of disrespect in the
community.
And we are really, really having difficulty
in making men understand.
Even when there are challenges,
have a conversation.
Just have a conversation.
Thank you very much.
I think sister Naima's connection probably has gone
down. There's one thing I wanted to add,
Inshallah Fai from me, from my perspective,
in terms of this looking down upon upon
your husband. Right? The question I wanna ask
is why
what is it that you're looking at? What
is it that you're comparing? What is that
bar that you've set in your mind which
has caused you to look down,
upon your husband? Because for the first time
in history,
we all we need is an Internet connection.
Right? You could be in the Sahara Desert,
and you have the ability to see men
who you you would you would, you know,
these sisters would never even could dream of
even meeting. Right? Men who are rolling around
in Rolls Royces,
who have abs and, you know, able to
have beautiful recitation of Quran all combined in
these individuals.
And somehow that normalizes that in the mind,
of of many sisters. Whether whether you you
like it or not, the fact that you're
seeing these things, which is obviously not halal
for you as well, then the then the,
you know,
then the halal for you, it becomes less
attractive. Your current husband that you have there
is a blessing as the brothers mentioned. What
if we were to see our our spouses
as as a blessing from Allah rather than
something that we you know, is is a
right upon us? There there are quite a
few questions
in the chat. And That'd be great to
a quick point.
So so like I said in the very
beginning, Jordan, my client base are, Muslim sisters,
UK, Canada, and the states.
And yes, I completely agree.
We have to if the brother is taking
care of the the requirements, fundamentals,
and that should be the priority,
but let's take it to an maybe a
more,
a different level.
It is hard to respect to respect some
brothers who are sitting around, you know, pot
belly playing video games all day, smoking cigarettes.
Yes. Not active. Have no ambition,
no confidence,
no swag,
no finesse,
nothing.
I mean, that's a drop
that's a draw marriage.
Yes.
Right. So I I definitely, I agree
that
make if your husband is securing the foundation,
like the requirements, yes. Sis, hold that man.
Like that's,
he's a winner,
but brothers, we gotta go beyond that.
Like
I I tell like, I I on on
my Instagram, I posted look.
This you gotta you gotta 2 rule, like,
2 movements.
You you shouldn't go pass your wife 2
times without touching her in some time in
some type of way.
Somewhere on her body, you need to be
touching her, kissing her, hugging her or something,
looking at her. You need to have some
type of finesse
in this day and age, you just can't
have some dry marriage.
And so I think, I think
when I hear that thing of respect,
I do understand that some sisters,
don't acknowledge
the core things, the the requirements
that a husband does,
present that are are are critical.
Right? They neglect that. They don't see it.
They just,
benefit from that,
means that he provides.
But I also know a number of sisters
who are with men, who are just,
they they
practicing Muslims
that are lazy,
that have no drive, no ambition, no no
gravitas, no nothing. It's just I go in,
clock in, come home, sit down. Where's the
food? Like nothing. It's like, I, it, I,
where it would be hard. I can understand,
especially listening to some of my clients,
why it is hard to have
or build
on the respect
and just to gently.
So, like I said, in the very beginning,
diverse panel, obviously diverse men, diverse interest.
I would personally kinda see respect a little
bit differently.
Personally, respect needs to be there from day
1.
You get the evidence for why you are
respecting me that builds
as we as we continue through the marriage,
but you have to respect me from the
jump.
If not, you shouldn't have married,
and I shouldn't have married you.
Because my vetting process,
I should have known that there was something
in you, something in your experiences
that are leading you to have a challenge
with respecting a man and respecting authority from
a man.
I ain't got time for that.
Personally, I don't.
I'm trained in counseling, but I'm I want
to be your husband. And that to me
is
checking baggage.
I want carry on baggage. I'm willing to
help with certain things, but that's too heavy
of a load for the direction that I
need to go.
Right? And each brother's different. Each brother's different.
They come to a marriage with different things,
different aspirations,
but respect needs to be there from the
jump.
As you live with me, see how I
move,
see that I fulfill
obligations.
I live up to my word.
I practice my faith. Then you get more
of the supporting evidence for why you respecting
me from the beginning.
But if you don't respect me from the
beginning, then this is gonna be a short
marriage.
But, Vanessa, there's 2 questions for you,
in the chat.
First is if you could define respect.
And then the second is,
what is the logical perspective to take? What's
the logical approach to marriage? So the first
one, define respect, if you could do that.
Is that okay? So a general answer, I
would say, for defining respect is
a general answer.
I would say would be
that your, your, your
thinking, your feeling and your acting
is alignment is in alignment with
your goals, your values, and your purpose. And
that is expressed in how you treat your,
spouse
and how you treat the marriage.
That to me would be respect.
But that also brings apart the question of
the mutual responsibility
that you guys have had conversations about goals
and where this marriage is going. What do
you wanna get out of this?
Right.
So that that would be my true, right,
alignment alignment with goals, values, and purpose, and
that that that should move towards how you
treat your spouse.
When there's ever any discrepancy between
how you treat your husband and your goal
of how you want to treat your husband,
then there's a issue there, and that needs
to be addressed.
What was the other question?
Yeah. The other one is regarding how to
approach marriage, as you said, from a logical
perspective. Right? So taking away
emotions,
from from the kind of decision making and
and and how you approach,
whether court courtship or whether that's the actual
kind of marriage data that yeah. So you
mentioned this, I think, in in brief about
being logical in your in your approach.
Yeah. So that I think that's that's the
part of of having a modality, having something
that you you under you have some type
of formula by which
you
assess
your thoughts about the marriage.
Right? That to me is logical. I don't
I'm not in any way saying
that sisters should numb their emotions or not
have their emotions,
but you have to have some type of
way to
to understand the thoughts that you're having and
the feelings that you're having and being able
to determine if those thoughts and emotions are
helpful or unhelpful,
Meaning, do they do they,
do they align with the direction you want
to go with your life, or do they
immobilize you and you're not able to go
in
right? Right? It's not that you negate the
emotions.
So I have this emotion.
Is it constructive? Is it helpful? And how
do you assess that?
That's what I mean by having a system
and having a structure.
That hints whatever modality you choose,
having a modality that allows you to have
a formula
to assess your thinking,
your feeling, and your acting, not just off
of the fad or the trend or how
you feel.
There's a few questions here. So I would
like to hear from you as well, but
if there's questions for for Nasir, the the
question is,
actually, if if if you find that this
the the spouse is there on different pages
completely in terms of understanding modality,
What what's the advice advice there? This is
one of the questions that was was asked.
What is the advice there that you find
that these 2 I mean, said Mahawiyah mentioned
about the the pieces. Right? The coalescing.
So in in in respect to modality being
completely different,
it feels like you're on 2 different pages.
What what is the advice there? I think
there's a difference between marital dissatisfaction
and marital disturbance.
Right?
And dissatisfaction,
for example, is I can be irritated. I
can be annoyed.
I can, you, you know, I can function
in this marriage towards my own goals and
the goals of this marriage.
Right.
But when that when that is when you're
unable
to work towards certain goals for yourself, for
the marriage and the kids,
I I think I think that's when it
becomes problematic, and the children need to be
prioritized.
Children need to be prioritized.
If you're in a situation where in that
you cannot
function together in a healthy way in front
of your children, I'm an advocate that you
can have a broken home while still being
married.
Right? So the children need to be prioritized.
But what but what I have not found
what I have not found is I have
not found a sit
majority of the cases I find is that
both
both people doing the work, learning the modality,
being sound in it,
typically, though those situations
get better.
The times when it's hard for a situation
to get better is when it's one when
it's one-sided. Only one person is doing the
work, whether it be the brother or,
or the sister. Right? Or they both start
doing the work at different times. Right? But
when they're both working on each other, typically
those situations get better.
But again, the litmus test, I think,
to answer the question in very concise way,
I hope in being concise,
is
one priority is the children,
2, the goals of the marriage, and then
your own personal goals.
I think, you know, I think those those
3 need to be,
in the consideration.
I hope that answered.
Yeah. Just can you can you hear me?
Can you can you guys hear me? Yes.
Yes. I just wanna jump in here, just
for context inshallah because I think what I'm
seeing,
as I've been having, you know, these podcasts,
conversations with different people about marriage and even
the other talks that we've had this weekend,
There's, there are levels to this.
There's the highest level
of connection
of iman of, you know, reaching your potential
as a as a couple, as a as
a family,
as a unit,
you know, reaching that that space of synergy,
you know, where you understand each other, you
get each other on the same page, you're
moving in the same direction, mashallah.
And that's a high level.
One could say the highest level.
And we have people here, Masha'Allah, who have
experienced that, who are on their way to
that, and who who know that this is
their reality, Masha'Allah Tabarakallah.
Then you have
ordinary people,
ordinary
relationships,
ups and downs,
you know, some similarities, some differences.
It's average.
Right? And I know that when I had
the conversations with Muawiyah, for example,
we talked a lot about
baselines
and just
distilling everything down to the basics. Yeah. It
doesn't have to be that high level for
it to be good. Like you said, it
doesn't have to be a perfect marriage for
it to be successful.
So you've got that middle range, and I
think a lot of sisters find themselves in
that middle range. And then you've got the
base you know, the the the the lowest
level where there's toxicity, there's abuse, there's, you
know, there's violence. You know, they
can't gang, and we all know about those
scenarios as well. And I think what I'd
like to remind everybody as we listen to
these brothers and we listen to the sisters
and we hear about these different,
mindsets when it comes to our marriages
is
take what makes sense for your situation.
Because while there is a lot to aim
for mashallah
in the highest levels and we know people
who live that mashallah tabarakallah, we have living
examples.
We also have examples of people who
it's not that high level, you know, it's
not everybody on their peak state and everybody
at their peak performance.
It's like more like brother Maweu was saying,
forget about that. Forget about this. Forget about
that. Like, what's important? Focus on what's important.
Like like, get
really
get re strip it down to the basics.
Strip it down to the basics of why
you're together,
what this work is all about and can
you make it happen? Because I know that
I'm, I'm watching the chats, I'm reading, and
I know that when we hear about these
high level
conversations, these high level relationships, on the one
hand, it can be very inspiring.
But for a woman whose husband, for example,
is not listening to those conversations,
who does not want to have those conversations,
he's just an ordinary guy.
He's just an average guy. He's doing his
best. He's he's fallible. He makes mistakes, but
he's there for her. Right?
Those sisters also mustn't look at their husband
and say, why can't you be more like
that? I want us to have a relationship
like they do or like they do because
then we're falling into the same trap as
as what there is kind of on social
media and everything. So I think having this
variety of brothers here, I hope insha'Allah
that sisters
as she had this can understand that it
can be good at any of these levels
as long as you're trying.
It can be a worthwhile marriage
at any of these levels. As long as
you're trying for the sake of Allah.
If you're trying for the sake of Allah
it will never be lost. It will never
be lost even if you know, masha'Allah, you
don't have a brother Saeed who does the
cooking, for example.
You know, even if
even if you don't have a brother Nasser
who is like, you know, strict vegan and
eats clean and, you know, keeps everything in
shape, you know, even if you don't have
any of these examples in your life,
if you have someone
like brother Muawiya was saying, who, you know,
at the end of the day, you guys
are in it together. You're a team. It's
not perfect, but you know what you're doing
together and you know the purpose and you
can make it work,
then please sisters don't feel like you're missing
out or like don't start wishing that you
had a different situation. The whole point of
this whole conference was for you to be
able to see the good in what you
have,
to cherish the good in what you have,
and maybe even look at that man differently
and start to see
the Barakah that is coming through him
and be grateful to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
because of this man that has put in
your life who for most of us he's
just an average guy and that's okay. So
I just wanted to kind
of insert that in there, inshallah,
to give some context. But, yeah, if we
can we can round up unless we've got
some more questions, Mohammed.
I I just wanted to add I just
wanted to add a little bit to what
brother Nasir said and brother Muawiyah said
and also what you said, sister Naima.
Yes. I've been married 30 years,
but like we've told you so many times,
for those 1st 6 years,
we didn't think we're gonna pull it through.
We didn't think we're going to make it.
And
when we talk about modalities,
about what they should be, I mean, we
all want
to be in a relationship where we protect
and look out for each other's interests,
emotionally, a a place an environment that's emotionally
and physically safe.
Together, build a nurturing, a loving, and safe
home,
and a climate and culture
where each thrives
and,
achieves,
the highest calling.
It's not
a marriage is like building a home. I
think the most important thing is if the
foundation
is solid,
then you keep working on it. Like brother
Muawiyah said, there's no perfect marriage.
After 30 years of marriage, sister,
Mariam and I are still a work in
progress.
We have our rough days. We have our,
you know
you know,
sad days. We have our down days.
But what
we have set our mind is when brother
Nasir said, what do you want to get
out of it?
And once the 2 of you understand that,
and you know you're in it for life,
You're committed
in this relationship for life.
You work on it, both of you, knowing
each one of you isn't perfect.
Each one of you is fallible.
I think the most important thing, whether it's
an average, we're not talking about the toxic,
the violent marriages.
But there was a time in our marriage
when I was average. I'm not you know?
I was the one of those guys you're
talking about.
But Mariam
had the key.
She just one day sat down
and said, please tell me
what it is I'm doing wrong that you
don't like.
What did it what is it that I'm
doing right that you like me to continue,
and what is it I'm not doing that
you like me to start doing?
That was profound.
The only thing she said, I beg you,
please be kind
and merciful
in your criticism.
Now
I felt good
at the beginning
of dispensing that information.
But towards the end of it, I felt
really nervous because I felt it is only
fair to give her the same,
opportunity
to critique me the same way.
Now once we started doing that, sister Naima,
it has continued.
It hasn't stopped
because we know
we're not perfect.
So both of us are working towards
improving
ourselves.
So even the average Joe that we're talking
about,
if there is
10, 15,
20, 25 percent good in this person,
believe you me, in time,
together, in partnership
with his wife, they can raise themselves to
70, 80, 90, even 99%
if Allah wills.
So
I'm not saying
take it as it is. No. Try your
best to work on improving it because that's
what life is all about.
We are all on a quest
to try as Muslims
to emulate prophet Muhammad
as best as we can.
It's a continuous quest.
We will do this till we die, and
we may not attain perfection. Nobody will actually
attain perfection till we die. And we know
it is out of Allah's Rahmah that we
get to go to Jannah, not because of
the work, the deeds, and so on and
so forth. So when you have that in
mind,
and you have someone
who gives you pleasure, who gives you peace,
who give who brings smiles on your face,
who puts food in your mouth and so
on as a partner, whether it is the
husband earning or it is the wife cooking
and maintaining the household,
You owe it to one another to see
how best you can improve this relationship.
You just don't give up. Not the husband,
not the wife. So this message is to
everybody,
men and women.
You don't bring you don't have a relationship
with someone that you want to hate
or despise
or disrespect.
When we keep talking about respect, it is
a right of both husbands and wives. Each
one is obligated to give the other respect.
But like I said earlier,
do you earn the respect? Have you earned
the respect?
So please,
I'm I am disagreeing a little bit with
you, sister Naima, that, no, you shouldn't just
accept stethoscope.
I mean, things as they are. Work on
it and tell the spouse,
I want us to be better.
What can I do to be better? Tell
me.
Very rarely,
very rarely will a human being be given
that opportunity
and not reflect and say, well,
perhaps I should ask her too. What do
I need to do to be better?
Thank you.
To panel, I'm blown away really by,
everything that's been shared today and also all
the comments in the VIP lounge and in
YouTube.
And I think if, you know, if it
was possible, we could probably stay until Fajr
just answering questions because so many questions have
come in.
So maybe inshallah, if you're gracious enough to
grant us another audience, maybe after this, we
will,
be able to just do a live q
and a, and just go live on YouTube
and just, you know, just just answer, sister's
questions.
I'm very, very pleased.
There is a big call for a message
from brother Nasir. I don't know whether you
want to do that now or you wanna
do on your Instagram to get people to
go over there,
and actually follow you on Instagram and go
live. But they said that there's a message
for sisters who are 40 plus. Shall we
send them to Instagram, or do you wanna
give them what they're waiting for now?
The gentleman the gentleman in in me is
gonna
say, I'm gonna follow your lead, and I
guess we'll go to Instagram.
Masha'Allah, guys. Instagram, Nasir Al Amin. It's it
just search that up. It will come and
maybe in within half an hour the brother
will be there on instagram to give you
the message that you're all waiting for. So
do not delay Get over there InshaAllah Ta'ala.
My dear brothers and sisters,
it is time for us to wrap up.
It's been an
amazing 3 days, masha'Allah.
And, I'm I'm so so humbled and and
grateful
for the opportunity to to to host something
like this, to sit in on these conversations,
to be a part of these conversations.
As I said before
this is just the beginning of these conversations.
Alhamdulillah,
we launched Marriage Conversation with Naima B. Robert
yesterday with our interview with Mufti Mank And
we have my sister Mariam Lemu and her
dear husband.
And in the next episode, which launches next
week inshallah,
brother Muawiyah
he's got an episode brother Nasser has an
episode brother Muhammad's coming and many other sisters
and brothers as well. Masha'Allah
who, you know, are sharing really just honest,
open, thoughts about all things to do with
marriage. So with that,
this brings us to the end, subhanAllah, of
our time together but inshallah it's only the
beginning. So I want to thank every single
one of you. Firstly I thank
Allah for making this possible.
I thank all of the speakers that I'm
privileged to know and that when I ask
them for things they say yes.
Mashallah Tabarakallah.
And all of you who were given this
opportunity
and seized it with both hands and made
the most of this experience.
Not to mention thanking my team who have
been running around like crazy, and also my
poor children who have not had a mother
all weekend. So may Allah bless them and
reward them with the very best of spouses
and may he bless every single one of
you in your marriages and may he bless
you with
beautiful, healthy, believing children who then go to
marry beautiful, believing, healthy adults, and then have
more children as brother Muawiyah said, an obscene
number of children. You have to catch his
episode to hear him talking about that And
Insha'Allah,
may you all live
to break the fast with your grandchildren.
And may we have may we be a
means for khair for those around us and
for our families and for our extended families
and for generations coming forward.
Instagram. Nasir Al Amin. Instagram, guys. Go now.
Brother Saeed. My pleasure. Brother Muhammad Thank you
very much. Brother Muhammad was just there quiet,
just listening, just listening.
When when the brothers that are here with
experience, then you have to. You have to,
you know, dominate dominate the listening inshallah.
Okay.
Thank you so much, brothers.
Good night, YouTube.
I'll see you on Instagram as well. Right.
Assalamu
alaikum.