Naima B. Robert – Part 1 Successful Wives What do Muslim Men Want
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As it's all brothers. And so this is
going to be interesting, I think.
Inshallah,
maybe in live streamed now.
And as soon as I can just make
sure that that's happening
and we'll pop over
and do the needful on our side
guys,
give your
your thoughts in the chat.
You know how it's been for you.
What are you taking away?
You know, if we were at an event
together and this was all happening,
what would you be taking
cement in your own homes, in your own
relationships?
In that, I would love to know
what you think
you are taking from this,
from this, this 3 days that we've been
together inshallah. Can everybody hear me? Is my
volume okay?
Let me know, please inshallah.
And let me let our panelists come up
Musa and esteem is that Musa and Subuka
just confirm, please inshallah. If it is
sometimes I hear we've got brother Syed is
here,
Got you brother. Assalamu alaikum.
And so far, that's it. Musa, just let
me know in the chat if that's super.
Yes. Almatullah Anam says my husband and I
are on.
He's very interested in hearing from these brothers.
Excellent. Excellent. Good, good, good.
Alhamdulillah.
Good job. Yeah.
I like the fact that people are attending
with, with their husbands. Masha'Allah.
Very, very cool.
I haven't got,
heard from brother Musa yet. I'm not sure
whether that is you, brother father brother Musa.
Oh, okay.
Okay. Hello. Okay.
Alright. So we'll give everybody a few minutes,
the brothers, who are on the panel. Of
course, we can't do the panel without them,
so we need to wait for them to
to come.
But,
they'll be here very soon. But, I'm sorry
guys. This chat is dead.
Sorry to say it's not acceptable.
You know this. You know how we do.
So let me know in the chat and
on YouTube as well in the chat.
Let me know
what you are taking
home from these 3 days that we
Alright. Masha'Allah. They're coming in.
So Isra Umar says,
learning that managing my nafs is key
and,
be content with Allah's plan for you. Oh,
that's big. That's really, really big. It's really,
really big. Masha'Allah. Preaching your appreciating your blessings.
Yes.
Definitely. Living intentionally
100%.
Right. I'm gonna give my panelists
the, co hosting guys so that you'll be
able to inshallah put your,
put your videos on. And, we've got a
couple of brothers that have messaged to say
that they're on their way. So let's just
give them a moment
and let me give my panelists the ability
to put their, their cameras on.
Brothers,
it's wonderful to have you here with us.
Just so you know,
the Egyptian weather has been really bad, and
it has impacted the Internet
really, really severely.
As a result, I've been kicked off the
panel several times.
So what I've asked all my wonderful speakers
is I make them cohosts. And
if it goes
south and I'm kicked off, please just continue
because you know what we're here to talk
about inshaAllah.
So inshaAllah ta'ala, don't the show must go
on.
The sisters who are in the VIP, whoever's
there in VIP, please look after our guests.
Okay. Because you know already how it can
go sometimes,
please look after them.
You know, if the you know, just look
after them inshallah. Alright? And,
I think we should be okay, Beifnila.
So,
let's see what else we've got here.
We've got, living intentionally. Yes. Sarah says it's
a garmenting. Yes. I like that. It is.
It's so is. Fatima says I need to
revisit everything to really hone in on the
gems received. Tremendous learning journey. I love it.
Sarah says, I think that sums it up.
Masha'Allah. Zainab says, please let us have access
to these recordings for a bit longer. Well,
VIPs, you will have access to all the
recordings for life.
And for everybody on YouTube, they'll be up
for the rest of the week as they
are now, like, as live streams.
And then we're going to chop them up
and just make them more pallet more,
more digestible because a 4 hour stream is
a bit of a big ask, You know,
like a 2 hour video, 3 hour, 4
hour video. It's a bit much. So, we'll
be cutting them up, but we'll leave them
up there for a good week inshallah to
just let the views
just let people keep sharing those links inshallah.
Right. Let me just look through and see
if I've got any of my other guests
here. Yes. There's brother Nasir There
we go.
You can unmute, and we can,
can,
yeah. How are things going? Alaykum.
Alhamdulillah. I've been following the program.
Very interesting, very beneficial.
Looking forward to this, interaction.
Where are you at the moment?
I'm not in a as a tropical place
as, brother Saeed.
I'm in,
I'm I'm in Hounslow,
London. The best part the the the jewel
in the crown of West London, Hounslow.
Okay. This is called sarcasm, but.
Alright. So,
I think we are good to go inshallah,
brother.
If you want, I can't see you yet.
Brother Adeem is on his way, and inshallah,
I think we'll get started, if that's okay,
because I think that we will need time
anyway for everybody to get to say their
piece. And I will just keep an eye
on when the other brothers come in,
to just make sure that I get them
onto the panel, inshallah. So,
before I start the recording,
in fact,
yeah, before I start the recording, I would
just like to thank everyone of you for
for taking time out,
and, you know, coming to take part in
this panel.
We've had an amazing 3 days already.
And I'm happy to say
that it's been a really safe space for
for marriage.
And what I mean by that, it's been
a very marriage positive space Yeah. Which means
that we've not had
any mail
bashing, which is refreshing.
It's been very it's been really
focused on and I think the sisters who
are here, those who've been watching, I think
you can agree it's been a very positive
space even when we've been discussing difficult topics.
Because one of the things that, you know,
we're based on
here is that, you
know, men, women, we're a team.
Muslim men need Muslim women. Muslim women, we
need Muslim men. We need men who are
men. We need women who are women. We
need really for the collective to be, you
know, to be strong, to be grounded,
to be connected to Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala
and to work together upon Birru Wa Taqwa
really to make that ta'awon. So that's been
the basis mashAllah of our conversation so far.
And alhamdulillah, you know, it's it's it's been,
you know, a really, really wholesome space, masha'Allah.
You can see from the from the chat,
what people
are saying. So I'm gonna come off, camera
so that I can give the floor to
the brothers, and I'm just, making sure that
everybody is in here
who is supposed to be in here. Brother
Nasir is here, I think he needs co
host. Okay, Bismillah.
Okay, so, yeah, Mashallah,
Anam said that's exactly what I loved about
the show the most no Muslim brother bashing,
which is lovely.
Marriage positive space. Boom. Yes.
This is teamwork. Khadija says, I think most
of the women involved in the conference are
not feminists but are mature and see the
value in men.
Yes. Very true. And
I am very proud of everybody.
Alhamdulillah.
Brother
Nasir, you should be okay to do your
camera now and brother Adeem as well. Just
let me know if you're having any tech
issues on your end. It should be okay
now, though.
Abid says
for Islam. Yes.
We have Alhamdulillah.
The best Deen. Alhamdulillah.
Okay.
Right.
Alhamdulillah.
Cool.
I was gonna wait for brother Adeem to
come on,
and, there we go.
Brother Adeem is on the move.
Need to unmute, brother.
Need to unmute.
There we go. There we go. Assalamu alaikum,
guys. How are you all?
Okay, guys. I am going to start the
recording. I'm gonna get off the video, and
I'm gonna give you guys the floor. Inshallah.
So.
Bismillah.
Welcome to the final
panel in the Secrets of Successful
Wives Conference.
This is our very first all male panel
for the weekend, and one of the things
that I have been
very heartened by is how much of a
positive space this has been over the past
3 days.
Even when we've been discussing tip typically difficult
issues such as polygyny, such as divorce, such
as custody,
we as sisters have managed to maintain
a marriage positive space. And I think that
that's the way forward for us as Muslims,
the understanding that the Muslim sisters need them
some brothers, and the brothers need the sisters.
We need men to be men, we need
women to be women, and all of us
need to become more grounded,
stronger, you know, more
focused on akhirah, more committed to what we're
here to do.
And
if we can as individuals, if one of
us enact that and do that,
insha'Allah, we will start to build much stronger
homes, much stronger families, and insha'Allah, this will
impact the next generation.
Okay. So
the reason I brought a panel of men,
which was a subject of great controversy
when we started, advertising it, masha'Allah,
because people felt, why are we asking men?
You know, why what have men got to
do with this? This is a women's conference,
you know, what's, you know, who we tired
of listening to men.
And
I specifically knew that certain elements in the
community would feel that way, but I think
that we are all now
on the same page with regards to the
fact that this work of building a strong
marriage or even the work of being a
good wife
is not possible without the input of men.
Because,
you know, if a wife is providing a
service, it is to someone. Right? If a
wife is performing a role, it is in
relation to someone and that someone is a
husband and that husband happens to be a
man. So I thought that it would be
a good idea
to have brothers from different backgrounds,
different ages, different parts of the world to
really, I guess, come and school us sisters.
So the question that I put to the
panel,
which is, you know, really, I just want
you to guys to just run with it.
Firstly, I'd love for you to just introduce
yourself, to tell us your name, maybe your
marital status, age, whatever, and that's it. We
that's all you're only here for that. We
we want to know about, you know, your
your perspective as, you know, prospective husband, husband,
ex husband, whatever it is.
And then the the central question really is,
what do
Muslim men want?
What do husbands or prospective husbands wish
that wives knew?
And that is all that we're gonna talk
about today. So, Insha'Allah, I'll hand over to
you to just introduce yourselves and then
just take it away, Insha'Allah.
Thank you very much, everyone. Welcome to the
panel.
Amazing program here, and, it's a pleasure to
be involved. And thank you so much for
for for doing this program as well.
I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna need you
guys to run with it. Yeah.
So, I'm gonna get started, Michelle. So my
name is, because I'm on the top right
hand corner on
the. So my name is, Mario Tucker.
I graduated from Islam University of Medina in
2008.
And what's relevant to this discussion is that
I got married
pretty much
my second year after I became Muslim. So
I became Muslim in 1997,
98, and I became and I got married
about the a year and a half after
that in, I think, 99,
and I've been married, to the same woman
since then. So now it's, like, it's over
20 years, and, father of 8 kids.
I've been dealing with a lot of,
marital issues,
over the decades.
Sounds weird saying over decades. I know I
don't I don't wanna get out, but,
and,
hopefully, I'll be able to to add some
value to this discussion inshallah and giving people
an advice about how to, I guess, what
to expect for those who are not married,
what to expect in a marriage, and how
to keep 1,
when you're in 1.
I also, I guess, recognize that not every
marriage is worth keeping, I guess. That's so
self happy to be aware of.
That's just my my my. So the guy
to my right is Mohammed Maddox, a name
name girlfriend.
Yeah.
So my name is Mohammed Malik.
Essentially,
I'm a my my full time is working
in startups. Right? So but I also have,
I'm a cofounder of Islamic Education Company.
The focus is really those people that are
struggling with with the dean, you know, trying
to get productive productive and try to be
a bridge
to the and the, you know, classical scholars
and, yeah, focusing on those struggles and seekers.
And I don't know where to go,
and through Instagram and other places, we engage
them.
And and I guess my experience in terms
of the, you know, the context of this
conference,
may
Allah reward you all for attending and taking
the active effort in order to establish what
I believe
is each brick, of this Ummah is a
nuclear family. That's what that's what my belief
is, and trying to strengthen that brick
for for the sake of Allah
will result in a much stronger,
And my experience essentially, I I was married,
many years ago, maybe 2014.
Yeah. 2014 or around about 2014. And I've
been I've been single. I'm currently single.
And I've been on the look. I'm a
single brother that's been on the look for
about a year and a half on and
off. And a lot of surprising things that
I've come across that that maybe we can
elaborate on. That is almost an eye into
the current state,
of of of of Muslim sisters, right, and
particularly Muslims as well in in general.
And so one thing, you know, I think
what the most succinct thing that I've come
across, right,
in terms of what do men want is
a dua from one of the salaf, the
the pious predecessors. His name was Mohammed,
Ibrahim Hussein,
and he made the dua Allah,
Allah
either
and somebody that I, you know, tell tell
tell them to do something, and they do
it.
And somebody that would look after my rights
when I'm not there. So that that was
one one thing I wanna say
as well.
And
who who's next? Whoever wants to jump in
in terms of the introduction, please feel free
to.
My name is Saeed Takuma,
married to Mariam Laymo.
We've been married since 1991.
We celebrated our 30th anniversary,
September
last year.
We've been blessed with 2 boys,
both,
university,
level right now. They're all in school.
Maheem and I have been, into counseling,
my husbands and wives for over 20 years.
And, the demand got so high, we couldn't
continue on a 1 on 1 basis,
especially premarital counseling.
And that led us to come up with
the idea of establishing
the premarital master class under the Mariam De
Moa marriage academy.
And that's been going on. And since it
was, established, I think we've had over 16,000
people who have registered for the program,
We are working to, break it down to,
local languages
and to broadcast it on radio
across,
the country.
We have had, participants from all over the
world.
And,
our main goal objective
is to see
how we can impart
our 30 years experience
going up and, going through the peaks and
valleys, you know, the minefields and so on
and so forth,
and help marriage couples, newlyweds,
to avoid what we went through,
hopefully, much sooner than we did. It took
us 6 years to find a solution.
We got mine 91, and that led us
to holding off even having started a family
until,
1997.
So, that's why we're I'm here today.
I thank, Naima Roberts, sister Naima Roberts for
coming up with this, program.
And Inshallah, by the time we're done with
all the brothers in this panel, we'll be
able to impart a lot of information, a
lot of knowledge and wisdom
to the brothers and sisters out there to
help
build, stronger families, more stable homes, and hopefully
bring down the level of numbers of divorce.
Thank you very much for having me.
So if I can, where I'm from, we
say beauty before age, so I have to
let my brother, Adim, go before me.
That's very kind of you, Nasim, but you
never know. I might be a lot older
than you, bro. Hey. But the beauty is
clear.
Great to be with with peers.
But, brother Mohammed Malik, what you were saying
earlier is, is very, very true, and that's
what everybody wants, every every human, men, women,
and I'm sure it's the same with with
all of God's creation. It's the it's a
sekul, it's a peace within within within our
hearts.
My name is Adeem Eunice, and I'm the
I'm the founder of a dating app, previously
a website called single Muslim dot com,
and I'm on the line this year, 2022.
We've been going for 22 years as well.
We set up we set up in
1999,
2000, so I was in the dial up
age.
And I guess the reason I set up
the website was from for myself.
I'll I'll let I'll let I kind of
realize that. It was something that I was
in denial with for many, many years, but,
you know, they said the,
necessity, the is the mother of all actions,
and I I was in need to find
a wife.
A lot of my
peers at that age were going back to
what their what was their family homes, their
kind of country of origins, for example, Pakistan,
Bangladesh,
India, whatever it was, and having arranged marriages,
back in 2,000, 2 thou up to 2,005.
So it was it was a need of
the whole generation. So my experience today is
is from myself, but also from
the nearly 4,000,000 members that we have on
the website,
over a 100 100,000 managers that we have
as well.
I myself worked,
found success on single Muslim dot com. I
was mine for 13 years, Alhamdulillah,
4 beautiful children. And, yeah. So I'll
be part in some of my my kind
of
experiences as well. So I don't know if
you're if Mohammed, brother Malik, if you're still
looking, get get yourself on single Muslim, man.
K? We need some very articulate, good looking
brother like yourself on there. Exactly. I forgot
to mention in my introduction that currently,
my face is on a bill on billboards
across,
in London and Manchester and Birmingham.
Findmalika
wife dot com. That's that's one of the
major things I forgot to mention. So, yeah,
that that's one of the tongue in cheek
things I'm currently doing as a singleton, inshallah,
trying to make it trying to spread my
my net as much as possible. So inshallah,
check out find malika wife dot com. That's
me. And you and and Malik's Malik's not
found the wife?
No. No. That's it. No.
Without the with with the bill This is
this is your moment.
This is this is your moment. Okay?
Okay. You've been you've been told now. He's
dropped it.
He's on billboard. His papers.
So, Nasir Al Amin, I am a behavioral
coach,
a cognitive behavioral coach. My background is in,
social work and psychology.
Graduated from Columbia University in New York.
And I work with
Muslims
in the UK, US,
and,
and the states as well. States, UK,
collegue. Yeah.
Mainly, mainly,
sisters
actually. So 95% of my client base are
Muslim sisters.
I tell a joke, which is something I
think that
if we have time, we can elaborate on
as brothers
that,
when sisters sent smoke, they get help.
But
when
brothers, we wait until the remote that we
have in our hand is on fire
before we get help. Right? And so that
has been the reality with the work that
I do.
Presently married,
previous
maybe something else.
Another experience that I bring to this,
a beautiful marriage right now, previously married for
2 years. And I made a conscious decision
at the beginning of that marriage. Once I
realized that it was rocky, I made a
very conscious emotional decision
to not have children.
And that's a part that I would,
mentioned to all brothers and sisters.
When you get into the beginning of the
marriage,
have yourself grounded emotionally,
and mentally so that you can make a
sound decision
on when to
have to. Right. And just the status of
the marriage. Right.
And, wonderful
sister, just, you know, it wasn't a good
fit.
May Allah reward her wherever she's at and
what's going on. But,
few years later, got remarried,
and,
I took those lessons learned
into my next vetting process
and was very and so my brother, Mohammed,
you don't need to hear this from me,
but if I can part this to my
brother, because you look, you won't be a
boy. So I mean, I just, look, I
don't know if you're gonna get one at
a time or 2, but we won't go
there right now because we have, you know,
this isn't the chat. But what I will
say is one of the things that I,
I was very adamant about is
I took the time after my divorce
to process that, and
I adjusted my vetting process
and was very clear about what I wanted,
and I was not willing to venture,
from my standard.
And so 2 things that
were clear is I was very adamant with
my wife
to make sure that she wasn't trying to
lead.
I told myself I'm not getting married to
any woman that wants to lead. And I
repeatedly
asked that question. Are you trying to run
the, wear the pants? Are you trying to
be the pilot of this thing?
Are you willing to get on this program
that I have? If not, how did you
not great system, but you're not for me.
And another thing, subcategory of that is homeschooling.
Personally, I'm an advocate of homeschooling. I did
not want a a woman in my life
that wasn't willing to leave her career. Once
children came in, in the equation,
I attribute that to the thing that for
me is the most important thing.
And I'm biased as someone who's trained in,
in, in psychology,
but I think that happened because of
being grounded emotionally.
Right? I didn't make an emotional decision when
it came to getting married. I made a
logic a logical decision.
It wasn't, it wasn't that emotion wasn't there,
but it was balanced.
Right. I led with logic, not with emotion.
So,
look, my brother, Mohammed,
you don't need it,
but I hope that 2¢ help. And anybody
else,
in the chat, I hope that helps. So
I think I described or explained
who I am.
I hope.
Yeah. I'm happy with that.
And everybody. I think we've got a feel
for the room.
So let's, let's dive into this. What's the
name of if you're okay with it, then
we're good.
Yeah.
No. The really the the we've talked a
lot this weekend about how to be a
wife,
how to be with your husband, how to
charm your husband,
you know, how to resolve,
difficulties with your husband. You know, we've talked
about submission. We've talked about leadership. We've talked
about roles. We've actually had some really honest
conversations,
and I'm grateful,
so grateful
that my sisters got to see examples of
women, mashallah,
who are in the public eye,
who are on social media. We know who
they are, mashallah,
and we admire them. They're very successful. They're
working in the community. They're doing fantastic work.
But to hear those sisters
explain the dynamics of their home
and how they are with their husband
and the respect that they give him and
just the the the way that they are
as wives,
I think was so important because
no one will know unless you tell them.
You know, all they see is you famous
and everyone can see you and doing well
and everything like that, and there's a man
somewhere in the background.
But to hear those same women actually breaking
it down for the sisters and being very
humble,
and and and really just saying to the
sisters, no, no, no, no. Look, in my
home, this is how it is. And I
love to to cook. I love to ask
my husband's opinion. You know, just things that
are not
common in today's society. So I think that
we were really blessed to get that that
viewpoint
from the sisters.
But I want to turn it now. It's
it's you guys' turn
to, to really
just let's start talking about, you know, what
is it that you know, a Muslim husband
is looking for from his wife?
What do you wish more women knew that
their husband needs from them or wants from
them? Because that's the
that is the the crux of this conversation.
Assalamu alaykum,
sister Naima. Is it okay if I start?
Please. Yes.
Okay.
Just a little bit about my background.
I am a product of a polygamy. And,
through the years of my father's,
in his life, he's been he was married
to about 7 different women.
I grew up in
what one would describe another very stable
polygamous experience.
I witnessed divorces. I witnessed fights between the
wives.
And from an early age, I started asking
myself
what kind of a family I would like
to have. I certainly didn't want to reexperience
what I saw growing up.
Alhamdulillah, I also happen to have had to
have had a father
who was liberal,
and he invited
questions from us. I was curious. And I
would ask him certain relationships he's had with
his relation how he's relating to some of
his wives or all of his wives, actually.
And I was curious, and I would ask,
is that religious, or is that culture and
tradition?
My father was very humble, very honest, and
he would just smile and say, son,
that is tradition
or that is culture.
I would ask him, is that acceptable?
He would correctly say, no. It isn't.
So and I would go ahead and say,
you don't expect me to do the same
thing, and he would say, no. Do not
do what I did.
So very early in my
life,
I was taught
about
the fallibility
of human beings.
My father never had the power distance relationship
that is common,
in our society at those, periods.
So and I understood that he wasn't perfect,
and he made mistakes.
Very earlier on, I was also a mediator.
I would, intervene when the wives were fighting
because I had the benefit
of being taken away from my biological mother
and was raised by my stepmother, who was,
at the time, unable to have a child.
So I had a bond with my biological
mother, and I had a bond with my
stepmother.
So I'll be going in between, not just
between the 2 of them, between any 4
wives that were
present at the time.
So earlier on, it was about asking the
right questions
as how do I go about having
a good
family?
How do I
get the right wife?
And
what that led me to is actually what
is marriage?
Because what I grew up seeing, I didn't
find it
as
acceptable.
The women were very open with me,
and I discussed this with sister Naima. They
would call me aside and tell and complain
about what is wrong with the marriage. I
was the eldest child of a family of
26 kids.
So not only was I the eldest
looking after the kids, the younger ones, the
siblings, and making sure they behave accordingly.
I'm also the one putting out the fire
when there was a disagreement between the husband
and the wives and even between the wives
themselves.
So that got me very, very curious as
to
asking the questions that would make that would
protect me or guarantee that I don't have
a repeat
of what I witnessed
growing up.
And, you know, marriage is about 2 unique
individuals coming together
to complement each other.
People who are god conscious, god fearing,
and guiding and encouraging each other to get
closer to Allah.
Now if Allah is first in everything that
we do,
what I told myself is
then let those guiding principles as stipulated in
the holy Quran and according to sunnah prophet
Muhammad
on how husbands and wives ought to relate,
I need to be knowledgeable
about that, and I started studying that pretty
early.
Now
in Northern Nigeria,
and the reason why this is particularly important,
this is the name of that you're raising
this, is
women
are not really
held in high regard.
They are relegated to almost second class citizens
without a voice,
without even no presence. They're not consulted.
Even when one man is getting married to
a second or third wife, he doesn't better
know. She'll maybe find out the day off.
And when you study
those guidelines and stipulations, when Rasool Assad said
the best among you are those who are
best to their wives, and I'm the best
amongst you,
you start to realize it's not about me
being the man. No.
Yes.
We are a degree above them.
But Arsula also talked about kindness,
and he talked about the
blessings
in smiling even to a stranger, to a
neighbor. You know? And when men don't take
all of that into consideration,
and when Rasoolah also said the best charity
is the one one does in the home
of taking care
of his wife and family,
That got me thinking,
and then that got me studying.
And I remember when I was caught in
Mariam,
between
1988 1990, which was when I first saw
her. We courted for 3 years.
The first thing I did was teaching Muriel
about her rights and responsibilities. Now that tends
to freak people out.
When you teach about their rights and responsibilities,
when
you do that, and you are both
knowledgeable in the deen.
The blessings,
the rewards that one gets
from the wife are immeasurable.
So the other thing is
to grow together
as husband and wife
to elevate the woman
to where you are, to be able to
have a conversation,
intellectual
conversation
with the woman that you're married to,
to plan your future together, to be the
cheerleader, to be the most supportive
husband you could possibly be
in all ramifications.
So the the the real question to me
about what we want is, do we know
what we want? That's number 1. Number
2, is it what we want or what
we should want?
There's a difference.
If one is culturally bent
to replicate what they grew up with, not
following the guidelines as stipulated in the Quran,
the sunnah prophet Muhammad
then there's gonna be a problem.
Because marriage, as we all know, is on
obligation. Right? It's a highly encouraged sunnah.
But the moment one embarks into it
and gets into it, now fulfilling those rights
and responsibilities
becomes an obligation.
And the fear that a lot of people
have that, that, okay, you might be giving
the women a lot of rights and they
may be demanding their rights, Wallahi doesn't happen.
An educated woman who understands the benefits,
the rewards
in following the husband as the leader and
in giving as much as she can
in supporting that husband
will never be the one to question the
husband about her rights because they're already being
given to her by the husband. The husband
is knowledgeable,
understands the importance of it, and understands that
that relationship
getting that relationship
right is an act of Ibadah. It's not
a buffet.
It's not about picking and choosing what you
want or what you don't want.
Fulfilling those rights are an obligation on both
the husband
and the wife. And I felt
it was my responsibility not only to know,
but to educate my wife
in understanding those rights and responsibilities.
I don't recall
in the 30 years plus
that Marima and I have been married as
she's ever once
asked me
to fulfill
a right
of hers.
She could gently remind me because of her
fear
not to offend Allah.
So that to me are the qualities
that I want. But what I want is
based on what I'm expected
to act to want from my wife
based on those teachings
of Allah and Rasool Allah
That's my guidance.
Not culture, not tradition.
And like I said, my background was highly
influential
in pushing me along those lines. So I'm
considered a bit of an, I wouldn't say,
an aberration maybe in our culture because
I don't follow tradition.
The only tradition I follow is one that
reinforces
the faith.
Anything that deviates
that also,
in any way derides or affects the right
of the wife
that limits her rights
in any way, shape, or form I run
away from. Because ultimately,
whether I impress the family,
the friends,
or whoever,
I will answer to Allah.
And as long as we both recognize
that fulfilling those rights, I don't have to
demand them, but I am just fulfilling those
responsibilities,
fulfilling, giving making sure I live up to
those responsibilities.
We do it correctly, and that's why my
brother mentioned
being garments, being sutura for each other.
My wife and I are constantly looking out
to make sure we do not offend Allah.
Allah is first in everything that we do.
And whatever my re demands or requirements or
desires are, we make sure we stay within
the bounds
of what is halal, what is permissible.
That's all I have to say right now
at this moment. I may add some more
later.
Okay. I've I've been made a host because
it's obviously, you know, in Egypt, the the
weather isn't that great. I think sister Naima
might have dropped off. But
that lived experience that you have,
It's incredible to come, you know, with that,
you know,
so many
you you you felt it firsthand, right, with
with this polygamous arrangement
continue to strengthen your relationship based on Allah.
I remember this this diagram, beautiful diagram of
a triangle. At the very top is Allah
and and on the sides are the right
the the husband and the wife. And the
closer they are to Allah
the closer
they are together.
And,
one thing I I I want to inshallah,
I want to ask, brother,
a a a a a team if possible.
Right? Succinctly, if you can, inshallah.
What is what what are those things What
are those things from your own experience
and from, you know, maybe some of the
anecdotal experiences of those people that have
map you you been matched together through single
Muslim.
It would would be great to hear from
you, brother Adeem, if possible. What are those
anecdotes and from your yourself? What are the
key traits, in a woman to look for?
Brother Malik, I can't get over the fact
that you're on billboards up and down the
country.
I can't I cannot get over that.
The most random thing. Website was desperate, bro.
That that was that was that was that
was desperate, man. But you appreciate you taking
the biscuit you taking the biscuit in a
good way. Well, I give you everything and
and more. Okay. Very much. From me, I
think brother Saidu, that was that was amazing
in terms of your your lived experiences, what
brother Malik said. I think it's phenomenal your
experience and what you've done and how you
you took the mantle and how you took
the reins and, you know, you you you
seem
very, very, very wise kind of, from a
young age.
And I'd I'd like to just kinda touch
upon the point of what you said earlier
in terms of
what brothers want and what brothers need.
You know, I think what we want, everybody
wants beauty. Everybody wants somebody who's gonna be
stunning, be amazing, be gorgeous, you know, just
be like, wow. Oh my god. That, you
know, like and, you know, be able to
talk well and be able to be nice
to us. But what we what we need
as humans and what what I often see
again, you know, from my experience of personal
experience as well as that of of the
the countless thousands of people that have been
married and, you know, 100 of 1000 people
have come together from the website,
is that, you know, we men need somebody
who's that gonna who's gonna stabilize us as
well.
You know, men need somebody who's gonna challenges.
Men men need somebody who's gonna really kind
of, you know, talk to us in the
way of keeping keeping us grounded. You know,
question us and saying to us, you know,
where where have you been? Have you actually
been there? Have you not been there? I'm
taking those responsibilities as well. You know, like,
if you
if you have too much of a a
freedom or too much of a an open
relationship,
then it it it it seems to be
like you're not you're not interdependent. You're kind
of independent. And if you're independent, you're living
your own life.
That's not the way it's supposed to be
either. You know, like you said, you know,
it's it's it's far too often used as
garments, but what does that actually mean as
garments? You know, you gotta you gotta think
about that and you gotta really believe that.
And and I think again, you know, like,
Muslims
again, the the experience from the business perspective
is that Muslims, whatever they do, however liberal
they are, however, you know, they they might
be whatever they might be doing, you know,
when they come back and they they have
that we all, you know, we all have
that God feelingness inside us, and we want
to, you
know, do the best that we can for
this world and the and the hereafter.
And we all want that kind of, you
know, succoon, as you mentioned, Malik, earlier. And
we all want, you know, we want we
want what's good for us in both lives.
And I find that a lot of people,
regardless of their faith or regardless of how
how practicing that they are, when it comes
to finding a marriage partner, Muslims will come
back and want somebody who's who's who's who's
Muslim.
You know, people do want people who have
got the same interest, somebody who can they
they can take comments, somebody who can they
can, you know, they can take the Jannah
with it, or or or who can guide
them to Jannah, and And that's something that
we often hear,
and that's different. That interpretation is different to
different people
and what that means. But I think, you
know, ultimately, we what what we do want,
think what what I what I've always wanted,
I think what I feel like, you know,
we we want somebody who who we can
and and you're very, very well articulated earlier.
Somebody we can trust with our possessions when
I'm when we're not there, somebody you can
love us, somebody you can support us, somebody
you can feed us, somebody you can massage
us, somebody you can treat us like little
babies and just just care for us, really.
And and I think, you
know, what you know, going back to
my earlier self and kind of, like,
earlier
experiences of, you know, sticking together and and
keep getting married, I think, is
maybe it's because I run a dating a
Muslim dating website. I don't know, but getting
married is easy for me. I think it's
it's very, very easy, you know, finding somebody
who's compatible. I've got the roundabout compatibilities and
getting married. Boom. You know what? You know
what?
Staying married is a challenging part, staying married
is a challenging part. And I think
all human beings, no matter who we are,
all human beings need respect.
You know, we just wanna feel respect, and
we wanna feel loved. I mean, the main
thing, you know, men want to feel at
that respect. Of course, we want love, but
women wanna feel more loved in from my
perspective. Of course, we wanna be respected as
well.
We're in this dunya together.
So, yes, it's for the individuals,
but it's it's about the bigger picture as
well, how you how you make somebody feel
with their parents, how do you make somebody
feel in that environment as a as a
sister, as a daughter, as a friend. You
know? So they just wanna be comfortable and
be able to be the best version of
themselves. And same with the guys, you know,
you you you you're able to
you you know, if you're if you're dedicated
to you as as entrepreneurs, fellow entrepreneur, Malik,
you know, you wanna be able to do
your entrepreneurial thing, but you wanna be able
you know,
I think, you know, you wanna be able
to steal that person's heart as well. And
how do you steal that person's heart? You
know, by by being good to them and
making making somebody like, I want you I
want to I want you to be my
interest. I want you to be my thinking.
I wanna be at work, and I wanna
be thinking. I wanna go home. I desperately
wanna go home for that peace and comfort
and love. And when I'm at home, I
just think, you know, I want a lot
to I would like this to be forever.
I know this is not gonna be forever,
but I just, you know, y'all like, can
this be forever? So, you know, again, it
goes back up just just basics about just
just being happiness and just being peaceful and
being tranquil, and I think that's that's the
key. If you have that and you have
that inside you,
even if you have a small bit of
that inside you, you're gonna keep going back
there and you wanna go back there and
you're attracted to that and you fight for
it. It's just when you don't have that,
that you think, you know, is it is
it worth it? Is it is it even
worth my time?
So that's, yeah.
Because I feel like there was a few
You asked for a few particular. Apologies. That
was not articulate whatsoever. That's beautiful. That's beautiful.
Adeem, you know, there there were a few
moments sorry. There was a few moments there
where there was almost a trigger response from
me. Right? When you said,
to be challenged, I thought the first thing
came to my mind was perhaps the most
attractive trait that I've come across in women
during courting and over the last year when
speaking to women. Potentially, even those sisters who
I wouldn't be attracted to, who may be
a little bit out of shape, maybe older
than me. The most attractive thing is agreeableness,
Like a natural agreeableness
that comes
thus by your aura. The fact that they
can see that this is a man. This
is a person who is maybe,
I hope Allah allows me to be this
person, a person of his word. And they
would
know, you know, they would immediately
have this softness to them. Right? And you
but then you mentioned stabilize, and I like
that word more, the groundedness.
And then also had the immediate response to
when you said
men, you know, treat your men like like
a baby. I said, this is the opposite
of of of what we are, but
it's true.
Right? Would put his, his head on the
lap of, his his, his wives,
you know, our our mothers.
And in a way, that nurturing, that caring
thing is is is almost like a motherly
motherly trait.
So, brother brother Nasir, in terms of this,
in the leadership quality that you mentioned, right,
somebody that doesn't
lead, where's the balance there then? As as,
brother Adim mentioned, to be challenged you know,
to to challenge,
the man, but then then there's the other
aspect of not leading. Right? So where where's
that balance,
brother Nasr, if you if you don't mind,
or and anybody that inshallah would like to
jump in. So so I so
I'll I'll a brief comment, and then I'll
I'll adjust the other point.
So I think the good thing about this
is you have a number of different brothers
that have a number of different perspectives. I
don't wanna be challenged,
period.
I'm internally challenged with the
heaviness of the responsibility
of
I have to be the leader of this
thing. And if it goes wrong, if this
sink I mean, if this ship sinks,
it's on me.
Like, all accountability is on me.
However,
agreeing with my beautiful brother, Adim,
like, I have brothers who who who want
that that kinda that dance,
that challenge. Right? So I just that's just
not me. The person that's just not me.
I'm I'm a brother where that I have
a plan. I need to have tunnel vision.
I need you to just get on board.
You play your role, but let me do
this.
And the other part about for me when
it about not being challenged is
I'm trusting myself enough in the vetting process
that I am gonna ask my my wife
questions because I believe that I made the
right decision, that she's smart enough. She's savvy
enough
to give me those,
thoughts that maybe I didn't come up with.
Right? I I it was a question that
was posed the other day in a group
where it says, how do you know you
want an argument?
And my response is,
I don't entertain arguments. And it, there should,
there doesn't need to be an argument.
If you both are respecting each other,
there's disagreements, there's discussions for sure,
but arguments,
that's just not acceptable. I I I don't
give my time or attention or energy to
arguments. And I can say in my marriage,
haven't had one.
I can honestly say,
I
pray the Lord and and continue this.
I haven't had a disagreement with my wife
that I'm ashamed that my daughter saw,
not one.
And that's because not a test, a testament
to me, it's to my wife as well,
that we both keep this first thing for
in the forefront. We're both servants of the
law. There's a certain model of respect,
diction, tone that's going to happen.
So that segues me into,
for me, the the answer to the other
part.
What I,
myself,
circle,
what we want sisters to know is know
your baggage.
Know the baggage that you're bringing in this
marriage.
Baggage, what I, say this very briefly so
I can be concise is I look at
baggage 2 ways,
check-in baggage, carry on baggage.
Right?
Carry on baggage is it's light. You can
maneuver, move through the airport with ease.
And, actually, your man can carry both his
and yours to follow me. It's not a
thing. You could he'll even be the gentleman
for you, be suave, have be dapper, and
put it up for you in the overhead
for you.
That's the carry on. The check-in weighs down
the plane. It's heavy. It's embarrassing. You gotta
go through it if you overpack. You didn't
put any time or attention into it. You
just stuffed it. You were hasty.
You were acting off of the emotion of,
I wanna get on this flight. I'm gonna
go to Aruba,
Montego Bay, or wherever you're going. I don't
I don't know. Aruba,
whatever.
So the difference is check-in baggage versus carry
on baggage.
Know what you're carrying into this relationship. And,
sisters, that'll also help you know what you're
looking for. Because you don't want a brother
that has
check-in baggage. You want a brother that has
put in time and energy
into packing and unpacking what he doesn't need
to bring into this relationship.
Right?
So what is baggage, though?
Baggage and so I use the word bagging
so you baggage so you know you have
the visual. But really baggage is just the
meanings that we we develop
from the events that we've had in life.
Right? So whatever experiences we have is the
event, then it's the perception and the evaluation
we make, that becomes the meanings that we
carry along with us throughout life. Right? The
past is the past. It's over. But those
meanings that you develop, that you chose to
have
about what this event means about you,
about your lord,
about others, is what you carry into the
next experience.
So as a brother, what I want you
to do is know what those meanings are.
And this segues into the other thing. So
how do you know
what those meanings are? You need to know
a modality.
You need to have some type of structured,
cognitive,
emotional
modality that teaches you how to understand your
thinking, your feeling, and your acting.
My bias here, I use CBT, particularly REBT,
but there's a plethora of them.
Knowing how to regulate your emotions
is what we need.
Not for you not to have emotions. That's
your asset.
Lead with it, but know how to regulate
it.
And so by knowing how to regulate it,
and it's possible,
How do you know it's possible? And this
is the response I gave to that question
about no arguments, is because when you're in
the job, you give that emotional regulation to
your boss.
So
when you're in my house, you're gonna have
that same emotional regulation,
or you're just not gonna get my time
and attention. We can have this conversation later
when you're in the right space emotionally.
What you have to say may be completely
valid
and right. I can be wrong,
but what is not going to happen is
it's not going to happen with a certain
tone addiction.
How do you regulate that tone addiction
by understanding your thinking and your emotions?
So you start with the baggage, know the
baggage, but really what I'm saying is knowing
the meanings. How do you know the meanings?
You know, the meanings by having some understanding
of a modality
and understanding a modality
then teaches you your deficiencies. And we all
have it. We're all fallible human beings,
you know, by a laws design, we're fallible
human beings. We're gonna make mistakes.
You know, your your deficiencies,
That's
true
self awareness.
So I took you backwards, but really what
I want to get to is I want
you to have self awareness.
Because if you have self awareness and not
this cliche
trendy, it's my truth stuff.
No.
You can do that, but that's me for
somebody else.
What I need is self awareness that's grounded
in the modality
that has something tangible.
Right? Because then I know that you know
how to work on it. I don't need
you to be perfect, but I need you
to work on your baggage and you know
how to work on your baggage because you
went through a modality. You own a modality.
And
you can go through a psychiatrist, psychologist, coach.
You can go to anyone that has a
modality,
and they can teach that to you. So
for me, the answer is, I want self
awareness,
but I want self awareness that's grounded in
something.
And when I say something, I mean, a
modality. That that's what
it's not that you wanna have baggage,
but you gotta have that you gotta have
that carry on baggage, not that check-in baggage.
That's that that
and sisters, this is a point I made.
I'll stop with this so I can act
like I was concise.
Sisters,
when you don't understand
a modality,
you're likely
to
make choices
of who you're going to marry or who
you're gonna give your time to, because it
may not even get to marriage.
You make choices based off emotions.
Any emotional attachment
will lead you to overlook the red flags
that are glaringly
obvious. Right?
You know you
need Dole,
Ahmed, who's the leader of or the manager,
which you're entertained by Khalid from copies.
Right? You're ignoring those red flags, right, of
Khalid from copy room, but you are interested
in Ahmed, right, the manager. Right. I mean,
you should be interested in him. Right. But
you're ignoring red flags because you got the
attachment to call it.
Attachments.
Emotional attachments
can be addressed if you have a modality.
If you have a modality,
it'll allow you to make a sound decision.
Emotional attachments
lead you to neglect
the glaring red flags that are there.
So that's for brothers as well, but that
that's what I would say.
No no modality so that you have
real tangible self awareness,
not that
Kardashian
self awareness.
Pardon me for the,
mention
of
There's one one quote,
beautifully put and I can't stress this self
awareness enough. Carl Jung, he said that until
you you make the subconscious
conscious,
It will it, it will lead you, and
and
you call it faith.
So, essentially, this you you attract the same
people, that same toxicity. And we've seen it
in the workplace. We've seen,
sisters who who've experienced a certain type of
man, attract the same man and again and
again. Right? It's it's because of that lack
of self self
awareness and not making the subconscious conscious to
realize what is it that I'm thinking? What
are those patterns that, you know, that I've
con consistently falling into? SubhanAllah. So so is
this the name of Zaida.
Let you take over the the host, rights.
Please leave me off hosting. I'm good with
being off hosting.
I just wanted to
distill what, brother Nasr was saying. And I
think emotional regulation
and self awareness,
these are topics that have come up several
times over the weekend when it comes to
being a wife.
So jazakalokeyron
for that.
I wanna hear what brother Mawi has said,
because we've got a lot and anyone's taking
notes
and
is going
anything on socials,
you know, please tag us all because everybody
here has, has given something for others to
agree
on, on everything here, right? Because it's not
just because you're a man, you see things
a particular way, but everybody is coming to
this, answer or to this question
from
their vantage point if you like.
So brother Saeed,
he's explained to us where he's coming
from
because he's come
from
a background of chaotic polygamy,
you know, culture,
ruling over religion, etcetera. So his his perspective
and viewpoint is is is very much grounded
in that or coming from that same with
obviously brother Nasir, who is, you know, in
in this in the CBT space. And, you
know, he this is he's a counselor. This
is the work that he does. Adim, you've
come from your own lived experience as well,
you know, as somebody who has been, you
know, super, super busy and focused on your
career. And so the things that you mentioned,
they, they, they are, you know, they apply
to you and brother Mohammad as well. So
I'm going to go to brother Muawiyah now,
but I'd love to hear after we've had
a chance to kind of go do the
round table.
I'd love to hear whether we can distill
certain things that are common to everyone.
Like everybody agrees that, yeah, as a husband
in a more general sense,
this is what husbands in general,
looking for
or need, etcetera,
after we've all given our personal
perspective.