Naima B. Robert – Marriage Advice for Muslims Entitlement, Expectations and Emotions LIVE
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the challenges women face when bringing up children, including integrity and integrity gaps, and emphasize the need for emotional regulation, balancing expectations with reality, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. They stress the importance of finding a father figure, finding a partner, finding a woman who is receptive to being coached, finding a balance between love and humility, and avoiding weight management and healthy lifestyle. They also emphasize the need for personal accountability and acknowledging one's own actions to make better choices. The speakers outline their goal of reaching 500,000 subscribers and emphasize the importance of models and models in healthy living and healthy eating. They plan to conduct a Zoom call for unmarried sisters and transition to a super chat and announcement for the next week.
AI: Summary ©
I just want to get my wine in
for a little minute, guys.
Everyone. Welcome to the live stream. Assalamu alaikum,
brother Nasik.
How are you?
Guys, let us know how Upsound is, please.
It might be off.
It might not be.
Wow. We've got
we've
got Saudi Arabia in the house. We've
got
Guinea, Konakri.
I've been there
before. We got Ghana in the house as
well.
Guys. How are you all doing tonight? Let
us know in the chat how you are
doing.
Whether it's been a good week
and whether you were here live last week
or last night or if this is your
first time. Let us know in the chat.
Make sure you give the video a thumbs
up as you come in. Badanassu, how has
your week been?
Very good. Productive.
Just like I like it.
Yes. Good. Masha'Allah. Talk to us about the
integrity
gap. Notice this has been a theme this
week. This integrity and the integrity gap. What's
all that about?
Yeah. Before we're gonna get there though, we
have to start first with with you. How
was your show last night?
It was brilliant.
Yeah. It was brilliant.
You're great, and you're brilliant.
Okay. Brilliant is brilliant.
It is. It is. Talk to me. How
was it? It was really, really good. We
had,
a wide variety of guests come on,
people's brothers, sisters,
people speaking from a mother's perspective, from a
son's perspective, from a husband's perspective. It was
it was really good. And,
guys, if you weren't there last night, then
basically on Wednesday nights, I come on live.
We have a live call in show, and
there's a topic that we address each week.
Last night, it was mothers raising men.
And we were just looking at some of
the pitfalls that mothers can fall into when
they're bringing up boys and bringing up their
sons,
and the impact that that can have and
how to avoid making those types of mistakes.
And really what I loved about yesterday's conversation
was just how
how open everybody is when they come on,
how respectfully,
everybody interacts with everyone else.
You know, people really share
a lot of good stuff,
and we we we really were able to
unearth
a lot of important points.
And,
so far the comments for people who've watched
the replay have shown that people benefited. So.
Yeah. It was good.
How did the sisters take it?
Because I'm interested in in in if that
if they were open to
that perspective,
right, that
they can't do it all.
That wasn't really the tone, actually Okay. At
all. No. Okay. We weren't talking about that.
It was actually based on a post,
that a man had written when he was
talking to men. It's actually addressed to men
mainly,
talking about how
as a as a man,
some men have not had the opportunity
to separate truly from their mothers
because some mothers basically
smother their sons. Right?
Especially single mothers or mothers who are in
unhappy marriages. So that kind of segued into
whole son husbands and mama's boys and that
kind of thing. But that they tend to
not allow their sons to to break away.
Right? And he was just saying how that
breaking away
is a fundamental part of your formation as
a young man.
And, if you never had the opportunity to
do that, it will show up in your
marriage in this way, this way, and that
way. So it was more about looking at
the the codependency
that can be found in relationships between the
mothers and the sons.
There was a brother, Masha'allah, who came on
from a from a husband's perspective. He also
came on, like, from a father and a
stepfather perspective,
And we were talking about how difficult it
can be dealing with teenage boys when you're
a woman on your own and what teenage
boys need. And it was it was really
good.
It was really, really good. Really,
insightful, thoughtful,
and a lot of, yeah, a lot of
good stuff was shared. The chat was amazing.
Like, everybody in the chat was so connected
and so,
you know, really paying attention and and, you
know, making good points in the chat. I
think part of what makes these lives amazing
is the contribution from the comments, contribution from
the chat, so I love it. I'm doing
that. Yeah.
No. That's a that's a needed topic. That's
a that's a definitely a needed topic and
something that needs to be addressed. I know
for me, I was raised by a single
mother,
and I I greatly,
benefited from the men that came in,
to my life at different points in time.
Yeah. I I I was blessed that,
various men, they may not have stayed long.
Right? It may have been for example, was
a a high school,
teacher, English teacher.
For one point, it was a college professor.
Right?
Or a police officer at one point in
time. So these men came in, and
they served their purpose. Yeah. They they gave
me a bit of guidance, a jewel that
I needed at that moment to correct
and avoid maybe certain pitfalls,
and then they left. Right? So I I
I got what I needed from them.
Mhmm.
But I was very much blessed with that
because my father, fortunately, taught me everything not
to do.
Mhmm. And dealing with the emotions that are
connected with seeing
model for you what not to do,
I think for me, it it allowed me
to be receptive to
men that came in
and showed me an alternative.
Right?
And, plus, making the mistakes on my own.
Right? So making a number of mistakes in
life early at life. And I think that's
one of the things of not having a
a father figure in your life.
You fall early.
And so you learn early that the stove
is hot.
Right? And so you can keep touching it,
but it's gonna be hot. It's gonna be
painful. So I think by the time I
hit my teenage years,
I was receptive to,
alternative views, alternative perspectives
because I had had enough years of realizing
the pain of touching the stove. Right? Mhmm.
Mhmm.
And I think that's why later on in
life when
I learned about CBT, I was very much
receptive to it because at the core of
CBT,
and for those listening cognitive behavior therapy at
CBT,
at the core of CBT is this this
premise that we all have a hypothesis,
right, when an event happens.
And it's up for us to test out
that hypothesis,
I e, to test out our thinking.
And so what my younger years had taught
me was
my initial perception when something happens,
my knee jerk reaction, my habitual thinking,
and that of my peers
may not be
optimal. It may not be best. It may
not be helpful.
And so then when I found CBT, it
was
learning a systematic way
to challenge my initial thinking.
Right? So I fell in love with the
model
initially because I had had the history, the
years of
learning that
my way isn't always the best way.
Mhmm. It is now because it's the males
perspective, which is always the right perspective. But
I learned early though
that You guys can click off now if
you like. No. No. That's gonna bring them
all in. All the masculine has come over
there. I'm bringing that I'm I'm trying to
get that Masculina energy in here, liven up
the chat, spicing it up. So what I
learned early though is
my initial,
thoughts would come to my mind. Right? The
perception that I have and then the evaluation
I make isn't necessarily
optimal. It's not helpful.
Not always.
And so with that being said, I I
found a model that gave me a formula,
a systematic way to challenge myself.
Right? And so I think that that is
one of the reason why I fell in
love with the model, but one of the
reasons why
I think I've I I would like to
think I've helped people with the model is
because I've seen it in my own life.
Right?
It it was born out of
it was born out of not having a
father.
Mhmm.
Right? And so at a early age learning
that I needed to think about my thinking.
And when you when you study CBT, that's
a recurring
mantra that you will hear.
Right? It's think about your thinking.
Mhmm. Right? And I tell clients all the
time, when you experience an intense emotion,
that's a red flag for you to think
about your thinking.
So whenever you have a uncomfortable emotion or
you find yourself you woken up and you're
not ready to get out of bed and
it's 15 minutes past, 30 minutes past, you
know you're gonna be late for work or
wherever you need to be, but you still
can't seem to get up and get out
of bed,
you know you're borderline,
sad, depressed,
then that's those are all experiences and emotions
for you to think about your thinking.
What are you telling yourself about yourself
or about others or about life conditions?
And oftentimes and this is something you and
I have talked about. Oftentimes, there's also what
are you saying about your Lord?
Right? That conversation that you that you're having
about
how you how your Lord must view you.
Right, in order to create these conditions for
you.
Right.
So, yeah, single coming. So for those parents,
for those mothers that are raising,
single,
raising a son,
it's possible.
It's possible, except that you're not gonna be
perfect at it. It's gonna be challenges,
But, you know, your sons can learn from
that.
Right?
At
least that that was my perspective. That was
my experience. But but I I will also
acknowledge, I I lost a lot of friends
in the process
who were also raised by single mothers.
And they had, you know, more challenging
existence,
and
their more challenging consequences
to some of the choices,
that they made in life,
and are still making in life.
Yeah. It was actually interesting because one of
the,
one of the things that came out of
our discussion yesterday was
that
one of the pitfalls of being raised by
a mother on her own without any men
around is that you
her instinct is to not allow you to
learn those lessons.
Her instinct for many is to protect you
from the lessons, right? Is to cushion your
fall, is to make excuses, excuses, is to
protect you and to cuddle you.
Which is why we ended up having a
conversation about, you know,
boys who grow up feminized
or who grow up weak basically because
their mother's instinct is to keep them safe.
Their mother's instinct is to not allow them
to face consequences.
She doesn't wanna see them sad, she doesn't
wanna see them unhappy. She, you know, she
it feels bad to her
to make him take the blame, take consequences
like a father would. Right? Because the father's
gonna tell you, suck it up.
Most moms don't say that. Most moms would
be like, you don't you don't wanna do
it right now? Okay. Let's see if we
can. You know what I mean? And there's
a negotiation and then there's like a, how
can I make this okay? That's the mother's
imperative. How can I make this okay for
my child? Fathers don't do that. I think
in general because most fathers say, but that's
not what he needs. He needs to feel
it. He needs to know it. He needs
to see it. He needs to he needs
to he needs to do the thing, basically.
As as a young man, as, you know,
a future
man,
he needs to be able well, he needs
to be tough, basically. He needs to to
to gain the competency,
to gain the strength that he will need
later on in life. Right? So, yeah, African
moms do true adventure media. Right? African moms
don't play.
Sorry. None of these apply to African moms.
Yeah. It's interesting because I I was in
my mind, I was saying my mother was
the exception. And maybe African American moms as
well. Maybe African American moms too. I think
there's something there.
With the
recurring
voice in my head, and and I would
always hear from my mother,
look. Don't do anything to go to jail
because you're gonna stay there,
which means
there are consequences to the choices you make
in life. And so don't make choices that
you're not willing to handle the consequences that
come with it.
Do you think she would have left you
in jail if you had?
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah. I I I think so. Because
and this is another piece this is another
piece that
I'm not sure if you guys talked about
is,
how do mothers handle
how do mothers handle
the
the breaking of the marriage,
the loss of the love for the husband,
and then how that is handled emotionally
and what that looks like in the relationship
to the son.
Yeah. We talked about we talked about in,
actually, in the case of yesterday,
we talked about,
women who are either have have, you know,
the relationship has broken down or it's dysfunctional,
and her turning her attention to her son.
The the love, the devotion, the care, the
comfort, the adoration
is channeled towards her perfect little man, her
golden boy, which again is in contrast to
the example that I think that you can
bring, which is that for for for some
single mothers,
you're not the golden boy.
You are like your father
or you're going to be like your father.
So it's interesting. Interesting how different people navigate
that. Because on the one hand, you have
those who are like, you know, this is
my
perfect son, and he's the only good one
out of all these men. And then for
other people,
he's the only good one out of all
these men. And then for other mothers, it's
like, no. You're just a man like the
rest of them unless I can do something
about that.
Yeah. And and or there's nothing I can
do about it. You're just gonna be like
your father. Okay. Okay. Right? So so the
continuum is there. Right?
And so with with that being said,
how does a young man and so this
is why it's important, and this speaks to
the conversation we had before about
previous generations. And, you know, I was saying
previous generations
did not have
the
emotional understanding and ability to regulate.
They more had they they had cultural pressures
that kept them in a certain box
versus the emotional regulation, and that's that's what
was demonstrated to our generation.
And so
that's another piece with this. You know? 1,
is there where's the emotional regulation in terms
of the type of
man that you chose to marry? That's 1.
And then 2, when that relationship is
experiencing
discomfort or
disturbance,
how do you handle that in terms of
emotional regulation? And then when it actually doesn't
work out and there's a divorce,
emotional regulation is also needed at that point
as well. Right? So this concept of learning
how to regulate your emotions is essential.
Because whatever phase your marriage or relationship is
in, even once it's over, and then your
relationship with your children, yourself and your children,
emotional regulation is critical.
And and and, you know, I I could
say this to my mother that I think
would would agree as well. I know she
would. Is that emotional regulation as we understand
it now as
She didn't have that, right, and nor did
I. Right? And so you have 2 people
trying to figure out,
you know, and navigate,
the reality of I look just like my
father. I have tendencies
like my father.
And so how does a woman deal with
that,
right,
when the relationship is over, the marriage is
over?
Right? So, yeah, it's it's it's a it's
a deep
conversation. It's a needed conversation. But, again, I
think the critical
piece with it,
and this probably is my bias here, is
emotional regulation is essential.
If you don't have it, it's gonna show
itself in your life. Mhmm.
Mhmm. And or it's gonna show itself in
the lives of your children.
Both. And
and I think we can agree and.
So guys, if you missed that yesterday, it's
on the channel. It's the Wednesday night live
stream. I think it's called mum mothers raising
men, an impossible feat, something like this.
So please do go ahead and watch that.
Give us your thoughts in the comments. And,
today,
our candid conversation
is, a response, I guess, or a discussion,
of something that we wanna share with you
guys. It's,
I think that this was a post or
a DM.
And,
Charla, when you guys hear it, you'll see
kind of where we're going with this. But
we are opening the call lines, so you
guys will be able to join the show
and, you know, jump in and share your
thoughts. Inshallah, I love when we do that.
It's so much fun.
So I wanna put that in the chat,
and you guys will be able to join
after we have kind of chopped it up
for a little bit. So would you like
to read or should I read?
If you can, if you don't mind. It's
come it's a woman's perspective, so they can
get in a woman's voice. So you can,
you know, add the adlibs and the tone
and all of that. You know? You can
As long as we don't have to hear
the male perspective, which is the right perspective,
again, for the rest of today's show, that's
cool with me.
Yeah. You
will.
Right.
So sis says,
if a husband
needs to request his wife to remain physically
fit,
then
I want all the bills paid.
I want to be a stay at home
mom,
wife, and homeschooling mother.
I want a gym membership.
For your information, women only gym memberships are
expensive.
Organic food,
a monthly allowance for my hair,
waxing,
eyebrow threading, nails, and a seasonal budget for
new clothes.
Of course, to maintain this fitness level, I
need him to watch our kids so I
can meal prep and do those 100 plus
crunches to keep my stomach flat.
He also must keep a 6 figure income
and never develop a dad bod.
So those are her demands,
and that is what she wants to see
happen if a husband
and let's remember what the initial statement was.
If a husband requests his wife to remain
physically fit, these are the conditions, people.
Okay? So if, brothers, you're on notice,
if you require your wife to be physically
fit, then you have to pay all the
bills.
You have to earn 6 figures.
You have to your wife has to be
a stay at home mom. She has to
have a female only gym membership.
You have to be buying organic food. You
have to be providing a monthly allowance for
hair waxing, eyebrow threading, nails, and new clothes.
And, you have to watch the kids so
that she can meal prep and you have
to not develop a dad bod.
Those are the conditions if you want your
wife to stay fit, not say you.
So, 1, I wanna give you credit because
I I think you really, like you you
you hit the the Masculina
energy on that with ad libs and, you
know I'm good with that. Yeah. Yeah. I
think you did. Yeah.
Yeah. Salute
to you.
You know, the first thing that comes to
mind is
and this is your fault
because I don't think,
you talk about this enough and you need
to, my perspective,
is
the denial of the wall. I
think
the the I am. I'm about to. I
I think
the denial of the wall is real, and
I think it is it permeates
through
these expectations,
I. E. These demands.
I I I think sisters
deny the fact
that they lose
leverage.
They lose
leverage
as they age.
And men do as well, but our wall
is much later
later in life.
And I think it's important for sisters to
understand
that. You don't have the leverage in your
thirties that you had in your early twenties
and late twenties.
So it's important that your expectations
for your husband
be tempered by that.
Now there's a number of ways in which
we can go by this, I think, also
in terms of your own health
and also remaining attractive to your husband.
But I think one of the critical things
that women must understand is the wall is
real.
Denying it doesn't make it,
not not real. It is real. You will
hit it.
And if you just want and this is
gonna be uncomfortable.
If you want just a a clear example
of it is, look at some of your
old pictures from 5, 10 years ago.
Look at the attention you were getting from
5 or 10 years ago.
And this also brings up another important point.
Sisters, I know this may be uncomfortable, but
it's what you need to hear.
There's a difference between
the
attention you get from a man
because he wants to
provide for you,
take care of you,
versus a man that just wants comfort.
Keep that in mind when you're on those
apps. You can get a lot of men
that swipe on you and click on your
profile
because they're interested in comfort.
It's not because they're interested
in commitment.
And that leverage you have for commitment,
it wanes,
especially when you get into your late twenties
and and and thirties.
What do you think?
Sister,
while it's true, when I look at my
pics, I've changed. Thank you for being honest,
sis.
Thank you for being honest.
And again, sis, just a quick point with
that, just so so that, you know,
sisters understand that I'm being balanced with this.
Look.
Your wall may be late twenties, early thirties,
and it can be the same thing for
brothers. But the reality is you guys want
resources. You want provision.
Our provision, our ability to provide
increases
if we're doing what we need to be
doing, and that's the type of man you
should be looking for. If we're doing what
we need to be doing,
we our money just increases.
Late thirties, forties, fifties,
sixties,
it increases.
So as long as we're still making money
and taking care of ourselves, even while exercising,
which we should be doing as men,
That's another conversation.
Then our wall is much later.
Men typically marry women,
first and foremost,
and I know the religious police are gonna
get me for this.
Yes. Religion is important,
but men look for beauty.
Many men look for
attractiveness.
Hence,
get in the gym.
I'm done.
For me, I didn't even think about the
wall,
because I have no idea how old this
sister is.
My issue is the entitlement.
My issue is the entitlement.
It is
the attitude.
It's the vibe.
Right? It's the
sassy
world. If you're gonna want that,
then I'm gonna need boom boom boom boom
boom. Right?
Not to mention the fact that the thing
that is being requested
is literally
to remain
physically
fit.
So what you're saying
is that unless your husband
is operating
at the top of his game, she said
6 figures, guys. She said 6 figures, and
she said he can't have a dad bod
either. And he has to keep her at
home inorganic food with all every all the
bills paid, including her own kind of upkeep,
etcetera,
right, and minds the kids and watch the
kids. Right? So, basically,
he has to do
everything that he possibly could be doing
in if he expects her to be physically
fit.
And my thing is,
is it that hard, sis?
Is it is it that hard to stay
fit?
Is it that much of a burden?
Is it that much of an expectation
that you get to demand this huge list
in return for what being physically fit? Come
on now.
Come on, man.
Come on. Come on, man. Don't bring us
that. This is some nonsense beef. Right? So
exactly. This is says it says, you know,
some of these conditions are hilarious. I mean,
the sister was probably joking and she was
she was exaggerating,
but
It's the attitude.
It's the attitude that men shouldn't have standards
My husband shouldn't have any expectations with me.
And if he does have an expectation,
he better be doing
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and all
of the things.
And that attitude of entitlement,
guys, I've said it before, and I'll say
it again, sisters.
This is across the board for Muslims anyway
because Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala invites us to
be humble, right, and to walk on the
earth with humility.
However, as a woman
and as a potential wife or even a
wife because there are wives who have the
same energy, right?
As a wife,
a sense of entitlement
gets you nowhere.
In fact, a sense of entitlement and this
attitude
pushes your husband away
because it is coming from a place of
arrogance
and pride and ingratitude.
The joke in this post aside
the audacity
To say that my husband having this one
request of me and didn't even say be
a size something It didn't even say not
put in it. Just said be physically fit
That you have the audacity
that if your husband makes this type of
request or he has that standard,
he has that as, you know, something that
he requires
that you have the audacity to say, oh,
really? It's like that? Okay then. Well, you
better be coming with all of the things.
It's it's unacceptable.
It's unacceptable
completely. And it it speaks to, again,
this,
idea that we've spoken about where modern women
are told that they are the prize
and that they are they are pretty much
perfect. Right? And that any man who is
with them is blessed,
is lucky,
unfortunately, I even that I even this that
I even that and I even this. And,
unfortunately,
I think
the reason why
a lot of the traditional
advice and especially the traditional Islamic advice,
the reason why it rubs sisters up the
wrong way,
I'm gonna be blatantly and brutally honest with
you guys.
The reason why we don't like to hear
about the rights of the husband
is because in the deed, it makes it
very clear
which side your bread is buttered.
It makes it very clear. And the way
your bread is buttered is not what society
tells you. Society is out here telling us
that men run after us, that men's job
is to please us, that we are the
prize, that we are on the pedestal,
that we are the the beautiful perfect thing
and men are just trying to figure it
out. Right?
And that basically our needs come first. That's
what society is telling us, Right?
That's what they show in the films. That's
what the music is based on. That's what
we are being taught by the environment around
us.
Unfortunately,
for us,
the dean makes it very clear
the hierarchy within the relationship.
And like I said, whose bread is buttered
and where?
And that is why a lot of that
advice,
it it stings
and it sticks in the throat.
What do you mean I need to treat
him like a king? Why? What's so great
about him? You know what I'm saying? What
do you mean that if Allah told
anyone to prostrate in front of anyone else
in this dunya, it would be the wife
to her husband? What do you mean? Why?
What's so great about him? What's he's just
doing his job. You see that attitude there?
If you do feel that, sis, and I
felt it before,
if we're feeling that, it's because we've dropped
the Kool Aid off this modern society,
and we're uncomfortable with the idea
that our husband has such a high ranking
in our lives and that their
pleasure with us and their approval of us
has as much weight with Allah That's
big, man.
That's big
and that's what nobody really wants to say.
Sisters want to carry on like we're equals.
Are we the same?
Well, yeah, I have to respect him, but
he has to respect me.
Oh, yeah. I have to obey him, but
he also has to listen to me. You
know, there's all of that kind of thing.
Okay. Yeah. Okay. I could but he has
to do it. This is where this post
for me, that's the energy that it's coming
with.
It's conditional.
It's conditional
obedience.
It's conditional pleasing of the husband. It's conditional
prioritizing of the husband's needs.
And in this example, obviously, it's completely, you
know, out of whack.
But sisters,
if we are doing that, we need to
check ourselves because
I fear
that our attitude to our husbands
will make us of the women mentioned in
the hadith who take up the majority of
the hellfire because of being ungrateful.
Nobody wants to hear the hadith. Right?
Nobody really wants to talk about that hadith.
Nobody really wants to mention it because, again,
it's another one of those that makes it
so uncomfortable
because we're used to seeing ourselves in a
certain way and Allah and his messenger are
saying,
Just just just like like come back down
to us,
recognize
what this man is and the place that
he has in your life and the place
he should have
in your life and in your priorities.
And if that makes you feel uncomfortable, you
need to check that.
Rant over.
Yeah. I think see, I think
let's look at the comments. So
we should say for ourselves.
Exactly. For
our own self esteem,
it makes you feel good.
Just a side note a side note.
I I understand where the system was going
with this, but just a side note, it
it's a
it's a point to to bring up when
it because I deal with emotional regulation.
I I want you all to be,
mindful
of self esteem.
Because self esteem
from the modality that I use is a
trap.
And the reason why I say it's a
trap is because, typically,
self esteem is viewed
and
practiced in a way that is conditioned based.
I venerate myself. I feel good about myself
when I meet this condition.
Right? So
when I go to the gym,
I feel good about myself.
When I miss going to the gym, I
don't feel good about myself.
So that attaches them. IE, your self esteem,
your self worth
is attached to conditions, what you do.
So whenever you're doing well, you're venerating yourself.
You feel good.
The problem is if you're gonna follow that
logic,
when you're not doing well, you're gonna bring
yourself down as well. So it's best to
separate
your worth, your value over here.
Right? And it's not something that you rate
or label.
And then over here is what you do.
It's skill sets.
So
for a sister that is overweight that needs
to get in shape,
it may be a thinking issue,
not necessarily what you're consuming issue.
It may be a time management issue, not
so much what you're consuming
and or all 3.
Right?
But those are all skill sets. You can
learn how to
question and challenge your thinking. You can learn
how to get better time management.
Right? But none of those skill sets need
to be attached to your worth.
Because,
again,
when you're there attached, whenever you're doing well,
you're gonna bring yourself up. Whenever you're doing
down in terms of not meeting your own
standard
or societal or community or parental
expectations,
you're gonna bring yourself down. So always keep
those separate,
And just look at what are the skill
sets I need to obtain and or enhance
to get the outcomes that I want. And
that has nothing to do with your worth.
Right?
Remember, worth is something separate.
Your value in the Muslim marriage market is
something else. Your value at your profession
is something else. It's not attached to your
worth. So you can perform poorly on the
job interview,
but still be a good person, still be
worthy.
Right? You can go through a divorce
and still be a worthy person.
You just have skill sets in terms of
the divorce that you need to enhance.
So just a a note about self esteem
to keep in mind.
I chose violence.
I don't want peace.
I don't care about that self esteem nonsense.
Okay.
No. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But for real
for real. Like, I hear where you're coming
from, and I appreciate it. Thank you so
much for being the honey in the situation.
As for me, I don't want peace. Right?
This this particular post that we looked at,
you know, it is this.
So a couple things.
A couple things. This this is a advertisement
for me.
Yeah. And so apologies.
I I missed the comments, and if we
can go back to them very quick. But
just one thing,
because you don't know this, but I I
know this. So the sister that made the
post, this is unfortunately, at that particular time,
a consistent kind of theme and mantra,
from her post.
And, unfortunately, the sister is 40.
Oh.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, no.
Yeah. And so and so
you know, the the the the, you know,
the thing about it is, this is why
I think for me, the natural
or the first response that came to my
mind was,
sis, you didn't hit the wall.
You you you can't talk slick like that.
You don't have that type of leverage.
The leverage. But the thing is, can I
just say, though, if it was a 20
year old with this type of mouth,
you better move away from I'm sorry to
say, guys? I'm gonna go into mother mode
here. You better stay away from my son.
Don't come here with that stink attitude. I
don't care whether you're 20 and gorgeous
and 40 and pass the wall. I don't
care. The attitude itself, this one here is
not acceptable as far as I'm concerned. And
any man
who
entertains
this type of energy,
he deserves everything he gets
because this is
cameo. This here wait a second. Can I
just say, this here, if a man says
yes to this,
simplord,
hashtag, hashtag simplord? That's it. You've created
a monster in this woman, and you're going
to be on the treadmill
trying to live up to her demands and
fulfill her needs
and basically tick off all the boxes on
her list for the rest of your life,
and you get you're gonna get what you
deserve. That's what I say.
So,
I I I hear you.
Caveat with that is
an older man with resources
may know how to test that
more than a younger man would.
And for him
Because, look, some men love drama.
So so this is what I mean,
and this is where the leverage comes in
because she has what some older men want,
which is youth and beauty.
So he may have a conversation or 2
with her to see, is this really what
she believes,
or is this just her regurgitating
what she's constantly heard?
Young and naive, she doesn't know.
A man with resources and experience will know
how the gift of gab, he'll know how
to have a conversation or 2 and see
and and decipher that.
But he will
allocate some time and energy to figuring that
out
because of the exchange for youth and beauty.
You'll give her the time. He'll he'll make
the time to see is it really as
bad as all that. He'll give her a
chance to prove, you know, kind of this.
Is it really like that? Whereas
But you 40, 35 plus, I ain't doing
that.
You know what I mean? Because you can't
exchange what he needs.
Right? You don't have it.
And that's, you know, that's the wall. And
hence, that's what that's why it came to
my mind is because if you
if you didn't hit the wall, you don't
have that leverage. And I think I think
I think this is a new concept for
Muslim women.
I think it's a
definitely a a huge
new concept. No? I disagree.
I disagree. And you know why?
Previous generations knew exactly what the war was
and what it looked like. Agreed
you got your aunties guys put it in
the chat. Y'all know what I'm talking about
the aunties the grandmother. When are you going
to find someone Ah, I'm sure getting old.
When are we going to see some grandbabies?
You know, it really that, you know, I
would say
15 years ago, 20 years ago, people would
have been on your case to say why
are you not married yet? Right? They knew
that there is a window and that there
is an optimal time and it's like at
a certain time we just lost that and
everybody's like
Study
get your masters
have your career,
and
then you'll find someone. It's okay. You still
have time. You're 35. You still have time.
You know what I'm saying? That's new. That
was never the case. Like,
I I wanna say even 15, 20 years
ago, it wasn't the case. That's a very
new thing. And, of course, you know, the
wall slaps. It hits hard. You know what
I'm saying? So now the women who were
told
you've got time
have hit the wall, and that's why they
realize that, oh, so those old fashioned aunties
that we thought were toxic, that we thought
were just trying to make us feel bad
about ourselves and trying to make us ashamed
they actually knew what they were talking about.
SubhanAllah.
And that that's kinda what I'm alluding to.
That acceptance that acceptance is new. I think
that acceptance is now is
is is happening.
Whereas before, it
didn't. And I think before, it was
societal pressure, cultural pressure that you adhered to
the wall
without really understanding,
right, what the wall was. Now I think,
you know, sisters are learning what the wall
is,
and accepting that reality. But, unfortunately,
a lot of them, they've passed it. I
saw a comment. A sister says, what does
age got to do with it?
I don't know whether it's a a joking
comment, a sarcastic comment, or is it actually
a genuine question. Sis, let us know in
the chat if this is a genuine question.
If it is,
more than happy to to explain and break
that down. Because seriously,
I I remember when I first had a
conversation and I I mentioned for the first
time publicly,
this issue of being older in the marriage
market. Right? Being older, being divorced, you know,
maybe sisters she's put on weight, etcetera. Right?
And I was accused
of being ageist,
ableist,
and I was called a misogynist.
Right? Got it all. All yeah. I got
I got I got the exact I got
the 3 bingo. You know, ageist, ableist, misogynist,
fatphobic
was another one, so I got 4, actually.
Right?
And
the the so so so there are some
people who have kind of drunk the Kool
Aid
and genuinely
do not think
that age is anything but a number
when it comes to marriage.
And that it should not make a difference
how old you are, how how you look,
your weight, your health, your marriage status, whether
you have kids or not, they genuinely
believe
that in a perfect world, it is possible
for none of these things to matter, that
they shouldn't matter, and a good man, a
real man
will not allow any of those factors to
influence his decision. That is a story they're
telling themselves. That's the story out there. So
if it's a genuine question, let's answer it
because there are people who genuinely feel like,
why are you guys talking about 35 year
olds? What's wrong with being 30 5 and
wanting to get married? What's wrong with being
a bit overweight or very overweight for that
matter? Some men like big women. Do you
know what I'm saying? So there is definitely
a case of people genuinely
confused. Like, what are you guys on about?
Like, since when was this a thing? The
sister So The sister is saying it's a
general it's it's a real Genuine question. Yeah.
Genuine question. She really wants to know. Yep.
Do you want me or you Oh, yeah.
No. You go ahead.
So, sis, the the reality is this. In
in in the Muslim marriage market, what men
are looking for
initially, is youth and and beauty, which is
why I've made a post before where where
in that I I said that the barista
at the local coffee
shop has just of a chance, a shot
at getting a capable
resourceful Muslim man
as the sister with the PhD,
if not more.
Because she's conditioned due to her work to
be agreeable.
Right?
To not be confrontational.
Right? So these are the things. And, obviously,
in most cases,
if she's hired to be a barista or
a waitress or something of that sort, she
probably is a bit of a looker. Right?
She's attractive,
not all, but most times.
Right?
And so with that being said,
she checks off a lot of the boxes.
She's attractive.
She's agreeable.
She's kind.
She's compliant.
Right?
So
What about the age, though? That's what she's
asking about. Right. So those factors are there.
And so the first variable, the attractiveness,
the reality is
women oftentimes
their youth and their beauty
is heightened.
It's at its peak
between 18 to 25,
preferably probably around 23, 24.
And so that starts to decline with age.
So that's why age
is so important.
One of the reasons. One of the reasons.
Right. And and so that's why I gave
you all of those things. Right? The attractiveness.
Right? The real.
Right? The kindness.
Right? Those those are all variables that men
look for. But one of the initial things
that men look for is attraction,
youth, and beauty.
Can I just add as well, sis, for
those of you who are not familiar with
this whole conversation?
Youth denotes the beauty
and the agreeableness
and the sense of
still having that innocence. And I want to
use innocence in the best way possible. Okay?
Because people can often twist that as well.
I was like, oh, you just want someone
who I can control. Right? Because that comes
out too.
But really, it's a case of somebody who
has only lived a small amount of life
and hasn't been burnt too many times,
hasn't had too many adventures or issues or
men or whatever the case may be
from the data that we're seeing is more
attractive to most men because
it's not gonna give them as much of
a headache. And I think we know because
as women,
as we get older, just as human beings
anyway, as we get older,
we become
more and more,
rigid.
Right? We become most of us. Okay? We
become more set in our ways.
The the better we know ourselves,
right? You know, that's why I always say
that it's it's ironic actually that sisters 35
plus
women 35 plus actually have a longer list
than women who are 22, 23, 24.
The reason they have a longer list is
because they've lived more.
They've had more experience.
They've been burnt more.
They've probably done more things. They are clearer
on exactly what they want, so they basically
end up kind of getting really precise on
what they're looking for. Right? Really super precise
on what they're looking for. And,
that means that the pool is it shrinks.
Right? It gets smaller because they're like, I
can't have a man who does this, and
I don't want a man who does that.
And he has to have this because in
the last relationship, he didn't. And then this
you know, so there's all of these variables.
Anyway,
coming back to the, to the original question.
The youth side of things impact the, the
agreeableness
and the beauty, but also
the fertility.
And we can't deny that.
For a man who wants to have a
family,
who wants to marry and have children,
a woman who is younger is undeniably,
in general,
more fertile and has more energy and a
longer period of time to have babies.
That's one of the reasons why all of
us where we came from,
Girls would get married late teens early 20s,
right? Because those societies
all valued having children and for most of
our societies
they valued having many children. And if you
wanna have many children, you need to be
you need to make the most of your
fertility window, basically. Right? So, sis,
an answer to your question,
you may look amazing at 40,
but your amazing at 40 is not comparable
to somebody's 22, even your own 22. Right?
And it's not just about how you look
on the surface because, mashaAllah, there are some
40 year olds who are extremely well kept.
But the reality is the biology doesn't lie.
We have fewer eggs. We're on our way
to menopause actually at that stage, and that
means something to a man who is looking
for a woman that he's gonna build a
family with. Now
If a man is not looking for a
woman to have many children with right if
he's mean not really interested in having kids
Maybe he's done that already or whatever
age may not be a factor for him,
certainly with regards to fertility. Right? He could
be open to an older sister because his
requirements have changed.
He may want a sister who's slightly older
because
for maybe for intellectual reasons or professional reasons
or emotional reasons or whatever. Right? But he
is, I would argue,
among the minority
of men
whose priorities are different.
Majority of men, first time marriage, they're looking
for someone who's going to be the mother
of their kids, and the younger woman will
always
win when compared with an older woman. It's
just biology.
Have I done justice to that, brother Nasrat?
And let me know in the chat, guys,
what your thoughts are.
No. I think you did, and I think
we got a great hashtag for the show,
biology don't lie.
You know what I mean? Yeah. So for
the sister, Ayesha,
feedback, what do you think about our response?
Right. I'm going through the chat here. Can
I see one other point one other point?
What they were saying in this about what
I said, men tend to prefer a younger
woman who can get into his frame. Right?
Who can be flexible
and who can
be flexible in this new surrounding, in his
home, in his frame. Whereas a woman who
gets older, she becomes set in her ways
and this can become challenging. And guys, listen.
I'm not gonna be as you know me
already right. I'm gonna keep it 100 with
you.
I am 45 but hamdulillah. I mean I'm
grateful for every year on this earth. There
is no way.
45? 45? 45.
It is 45. Thank you. Okay. Apologies. We're
not there yet. So for at 45,
my mindset,
my manners, my habits,
my my expectations,
nothing like I was when I got married
when I was 22.
Right? What I was able to cope with
at 22, what I thought was fun and
adventurous and cool at 22. Oh, yeah. Ain't
nobody got time for that. Like, no. You
know what I'm saying? And that's the reality,
right, that most of us
by the time you get to a certain
stage, you are set in your ways. And
it's difficult.
You can do it. You can unlearn things.
You can learn new things. You can choose
differently. Right? But it is a struggle.
If you're going to marry somebody at that
age and try to get into their frame,
it's it's it's like this. Right? And especially,
you know, for sisters who have been independent
for a long time have maybe been looking
after themselves for a while,
a man coming along,
Yanny,
it's tough. It's tough. So first time marriage
maybe wouldn't be the first choice, I think.
Everyone should get married, Yanny. We on this
channel, we stan early marriage. Okay? So that's
what we're doing.
Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. Definitely. And I and I
think one of the things for me, it's
that emotional piece.
It's that emotional regulation piece because the more
challenges and traumas that you've gone through and
heartaches that you've gone through in life, it
leaves its residue.
And if you are the typical woman, just
like the typical man, you haven't learned how
to regulate your emotions. And so as a
man who's put in work
to build up the capability
to have resources to be able to provide,
why would I take
the chance on someone who's had more challenges
in life
when I could easily take someone who's had
less
challenges,
less the opportunity
of there being more residual
emotional
damage there with an older sister is there
versus someone
who has less experience in life, who's been
more sheltered,
who is more coachable.
And I know that word sets off a
number of sisters,
but that's just the reality.
Men want women that are coachable.
If she's gaining on his team
and following his lead,
then
you want someone that's that's
receptive
to
being coached, being led.
But if you have a problem with the
leadership aspect and the husband being the leader,
then you're gonna have a whole, you know,
issue with this whole,
men wanting someone who's younger
and,
and more attractive.
Guys, I just wanna speak on this, please,
Inshallah, because my the chat is going absolutely
crazy.
So sis said, I know looks are important,
but shouldn't be the most important thing to
look for when looking for a wife. Look,
we know this, guys. Let's let's we're all
adults here. Okay? We're all adults here. Ain't
nobody wifeing you up in the in the
Muslim community anyway just because you look good.
Like, there's there's, like, other factors.
But
we
all know
when we have leverage.
We all know. Right? And every one of
you,
you probably have your own leverage. Right?
I may be, for example,
light skinned. Right?
If I'm in a society or a community
that favors
dark women,
I'm not gonna like that.
Look at brother Nasir. For those of you
who are asking, he's African American.
In African American culture in general nowadays, what
do they all say they're looking for? Tall,
dark, and handsome.
Right?
So I'm gonna take out of it because
he's a man and men don't tend to
do this. Right? But as women, we do.
Right?
The point is that
I even if I'm in a situation where
I'm at a disadvantage because of my skin
color, because I'm light and everybody wants dark,
It doesn't make sense for me to rage
against the fact that everybody wants a dark
system.
That's just not what I have in terms
of leverage. Right? There are communities where my
skin is preferred. Right? If I'm a woman
who wears in the car,
if I go to a community where brothers
are not checking for that, right, they they
they they don't wanna marry a sister who
wears in the car,
It doesn't make sense for me to attack
those brothers and say, but you should. You
should want a sister who wears nakar because
the fact is that they don't. And for
most of us, the reason that we
feel
some kind of way
about people's preferences
is because we know that we might not
be their preference in that area.
Right?
It's it's within us. We feel maybe I
don't have the looks.
Right? I don't compare well to this one
or that one. Right? I may not have
the fit body. I may not have, you
know, the the the level of religiosity, of
course, depending on, you know, the the marketplace
that you're in. Right?
But recognize that that's what's happening.
Recognize that what is happening is that you're
getting triggered
by this requirement
because you feel somehow that you don't fit
that. But remember that there's levels.
And when it comes to looks,
men, I think, will admit, right, that they
find a wide variety of women attractive.
Right? It's not just the whole so called
8, nines, and tens. Right? People will find
a broad range of women attractive.
So it isn't like there's one beauty standard
and all the men are for that one
beauty standard.
Brother, can you speak to this, please? Because
we we keep saying beauty and attractiveness.
But as a man and maybe the brothers
who are here as well, can you just
give that some nuance for the sisters in
the chat
and the sisters who are watching?
No. I I think I think
I think this the post prior to this
one speaks to it. It says,
y'all always talking about the younger women. What
about women who want companionship?
And I think that's an important point. I
think some men will
value
companionship,
right, with someone who's mature
intellectually
and emotionally.
Right? That's a level of companionship that a
man of resources and
a capable man will value.
That doesn't mean he's gonna marry you just
for that, but that's another thing that you
can have that you can double down on
or use
enhance
to bring to the table because you've lost
that other reality, I. E,
the youthfulness,
the beauty.
Right? You're still attractive, but you're not as
attractive and as beautiful as you were when
you were
18 through 23, 24.
So acknowledging
that
and finding out what are the other areas
that I can,
enhance
that men look for
versus trying to fight against it.
Right?
So I think that's the the route for
sisters who
because I see in the comments, a number
of sisters are saying, so what about us
who are older?
Right?
And
for you that are older,
what you do is you double down on
the other things that men may find attractive,
and that's what you need to,
to learn. Put your time and energy into
that.
Follow channels,
Lexus and Iemas, that are speaking about that.
What are those other things that I can
bring to the table
and not think that I am the table?
I wanna speak to this, this point, sister
Munaju Zaghl al Haylan.
Okay. So
the theory goes like this, guys. This is
just a theory.
We know we're far from the theory, but
the theory is this.
You grow up,
you you and your your brothers and sisters
are raised, okay, to fulfill the roles that
you will fulfill
in later on in life as women and
as men.
You get married young
to a good man, to a good woman
with the support of your families.
You have children.
The husband works
and does his best to provide for his
family. The woman looks after the children as
best she can.
The husband and wife
are committed to the institution that they've created
and they stay together. They see it through
to the end. Right? They see it through
for the sake of the next generation.
And then when that next generation reaches adulthood
and steps into their maturity, this cycle repeats
itself. And this time the children are available
later on to then take care of the
parents,
right? So they get married, they have children
and the grandparents
who are now grandparents,
they get to see the family continuing before
they return to Allah.
That's a theory.
Okay? That's
the the general timeline.
Obviously,
there has been
there have been breaches,
many, many breaches,
right, to that continuum.
1st is putting off marriage.
Another is having relationships outside of marriage before
marriage. Right?
Marrying later,
potentially marrying somebody, you know, the families or
maybe not as supportive or whatever the case
may be.
People quitting on their marriages.
Right?
The reason we have so many and I
think and and no. Wait. Wait. I wanna
say 2
things. Men not fulfilling their role,
women not fulfilling their role,
parents
not fulfilling their role and prioritizing
what their responsibility
is. What does that lead to? It leads
to broken homes. What do broken homes lead
to? They lead to single mothers and men
who've been divorced and children who will now
have, you know, parents who are separated. Right?
What does that lead to? That leads to
second marriages.
What is the likelihood of second marriages,
failing brother now? So what's the what's the
statistic again? 5 percent. It's it's, like, 75%.
Terrible. So 75%,
guys, yeah, on your second marriage. And this
is these are just statistics, guys. I don't
want anybody to get triggered or upset. This
is just
statistics. It's just data. It's just data for
us to be aware of. So we've broken
up that home.
We've broken apart those 2 families for whatever
reason, and now we have 2 single people
who have had who have baggage.
Those people with baggage go on to marry
somebody else, statistically,
75%
chance of them breaking up. Maybe they have
more children in that situation
but it doesn't work out. So now you
have a situation where that father has got
children with 2 different women who he has
left,
that woman has children from 2 different men
who are no longer in the picture, no
longer in the home.
And so the cycle continues the children grow
up seeing that they take whatever lessons they
take from that and we're out here on
these apps
having been married 2, 3, 4 times
children from several different men.
None of them are involved. Right? Or if
they're involved, it's it's in a cursory way
Families
can't get involved in these marriages anymore because
it's just too traumatic. Right? So when I
say that the breaches are there are several
breaches to how this is supposed to run
I hope you understand what I'm saying
It's okay. Alright. That's the problem that we
find ourselves in. We are in a less
than ideal situation.
What can we do to reverse this?
Reverse engineering guys.
Marry earlier,
prioritize finding a life partner
over
extended education
and even getting onto the property ladder and
all that stuff that they told us right?
Prioritize
a preparing your children for marriage. In fact,
this brother Nati, this is the timeline that
we're gonna teach from now on on this
platform.
A,
get your head sorted when it comes to
these issues for yourself as an adult. Get
clear
What is the priority?
Did I have the right priorities coming up
to this point? Have I got baggage? Let
me deal with it. No matter who you
are brother, sister, single, divorced, widowed, polygamous, monogamous.
I don't care.
Where are you at right now?
What are your ideas about men? What are
your ideas about women? What are your ideas
about the roles that we should be playing?
Right?
Can you take yourself to account for the
mistakes that you have made?
Can you make amends for the mistakes that
you've made? Can you make a decision to
move differently moving forward? That's for you. And
that's something every one of us can do
Next step,
teach the next generation.
Teach them better than you were taught.
Prepare your sons to be men.
Prepare your daughters to be women.
Teach them the correct priorities according to Allah's
Next stage find good
husbands and wives for your children. Marry them
as soon as they are capable and support
them in that
Constantly learning how to be in a relationship
how to how to nurture a relationship You
know what role you're supposed to play Getting
your children to focus on making sure that
they are doing what they're supposed to do.
Be there to support them. And then when
you're in that relationship as a kid, yeah,
you're you're the next step is those of
you who are in marriages right now, you
have a part to play.
Keep your homes intact.
Get the help you need to keep your
home intact
Whether it's counseling whether it's therapy whether it's
distance whether it's a second wife whether it's
moving to another country, try your best to
keep your homes intact.
Because all of these problems and the reason
why we cannot answer questions like this easily
is because it's been broken several times along
the way. It was never meant to be
like this
It was never meant to be like this.
And the thing is, if we
we know
divorce is allowed,
it's bound to happen. It happened during the
time of the prophets are seldom. Right? But
guaranteed,
if fathers were playing the role they're supposed
to play in their children's lives, even if
they are no longer with the mother
and If women were playing the role that
they're supposed to play as a wife, even
if he's not the father of your children
I think that the narrative on marrying so
called single mothers, I think it would change
because it didn't used to be like that.
A generation ago, people were not out here
saying don't be a stepdad. Brother Musmaster, do
you know what I'm talking about? Mhmm. Mhmm.
There was a time when being a stepdad
was an honorable thing. It was doable. Right
because you knew that your wife she's gonna
respect you regardless You're gonna be the man
of the house you came in there and
you were appreciated for the stuff that you
did There's no reason to say why we
cannot have that again. Right? But more importantly,
the fathers of those children
don't stop them from seeing their kids.
Don't take them to court and accuse them
of abuse so that you can get sole
custody again another breach
So the way that we are moving through
this modern society is creating problems that don't
have solutions
We have to unpick this one step at
a time if we're going to see a
change in the next generation and Allah knows
best I hope that I hope that I
don't know. What do you think about all
that?
No. You
you
you said everything that needed to be said.
Yeah. Nothing to add.
Nothing to add.
The cc, for example, says the same thing.
Right?
At the end of the day
at the end of the day,
we know as Muslim women, you're allowed to
work and have our own wealth. We know
this. You keep your work halal, you're allowed.
That's your money.
For many of you, if the father is
not stepping up and looking after the children,
you have to. Right?
So
my question is,
there are always brothers who are gonna marry
older women. I'm sorry to say, but it's
true. Right? Brothers, in general,
average men don't have the leverage to have
the woman that they want, especially if they
don't have the money. And guys, you can
come for me in the comments all you
like, but you all know. You know what
I'm talking about. If you don't have the
paper,
your options are limited. Because especially the most
desirable women, they want the guy with the
resources. They want the guy who can give
them the lifestyle, who can keep them in
the style to which they're come, you
know, accustomed and all of that. Right? So
there will always be
potentially good men. Yeah. I wanna say and
I believe this. I think brother Nasrud disagrees
with me on this, but I believe
there are good men out there. When I
say good, they are Muslim
and have good hearts.
They have the right intentions,
but they may not have the wallet size
that you're looking for.
They may not have the fully paid off
house. They may not be able to buy
you a car. They may not be able
to take you on holiday once a year
or however long it is.
Are you open to making a deal with
that guy? Can you make it work?
Because when you get to a stage where
you're older, you've got money, but you wanna
get married with your 1st marriage and you're,
like, 42,
Rob, it's done.
The chances of the traditional family is is
over.
So let it go.
I'm I am an advocate of sisters being
hyper realistic when it comes to what they
believe they can get.
But if you're 40, I remember hearing about
sisters who will be on the apps
at 42,
never been married subhanallah.
And she's out here saying I want a
husband
To have children with and start a family.
I'm looking from 40 to 50
And so
and and of course, she wants him to
even though she's a doctor or she's kind
of got her own place, she still wants
him to provide for her fully. He has
to be able to provide. He has to
be able to take her of his Islamic
responsibilities.
And it's like, sis,
you're not at that stage anymore.
Is it that important to you?
What do you what is what are you
prepared to sacrifice for?
Can you conceive of a man that would
be worth you being flexible for?
Is a relationship
worth it? Is a marriage worth it to
you? Will you die a virgin dying on
that hill? Is that cool for you?
Do you want to experience love and belonging
companionship
in your life? And are you prepared to
be flexible in order to get that? These
are questions you have to ask yourself. But
a lot of sisters are too proud, man.
By the time they get to 40 and
they've got their house and they've got their
money and they've done all their self work
and they're here. And they've got their house
and they've got their money and they've done
all their self work and their healing and
they're the best versions of themselves, they don't
have humility anymore.
They consider it settling.
I'm not gonna settle. I know who I
am. I know my worth. I'm not settling.
Oh, well And I know my I know
my truth. Yeah.
Oh,
that was a lot, guys.
That was a lot. It it it was
needed. And and so and and so I
agree with you, though, actually. There are definitely
great brothers out there who don't have the
resources.
Right?
And and I think some of them, though,
I think some of them, though, not all,
but some of them do suffer from the
same issues
that women do in terms of
choosing a woman that is out of the
the their standard, out of their their
their shooting too far up.
Right? So they need to lower the type
of woman that they're looking for.
Right? I think that becomes a problem for
some brothers as well. So if you don't
have the resources,
understand that you're not gonna be valued by
certain women who have resources.
Can you strike a deal with her? Sure.
But understand there's gonna be challenges because she's
marrying down. And oftentimes, women
don't like to marry down. I would say
majority of the times they don't.
So then you need to probably go, which
a lot of men are doing, is go
where you will be valued
and wanted.
So that may mean not finding a sister
in your locality,
which, again, a lot of brothers are doing,
even brothers that do have resources.
But this see, now see, this is the
other thing that's not being,
addressed here, though.
You know, when sisters say
when sisters say brothers won't marry someone who's
older,
it comes back to the point that I've
made a number of times.
A good number of you in terms of
sisters,
although, you know my broad understanding of what
a sister is.
Yes. That was shade. Yeah. We will not
go back to that this week. We're moving
forward
always onwards and upwards. Thank you very much.
Yeah. I know because you're still on that
mountain.
Yeah. 100%.
So,
back to the point before I was sidetracked
by
someone.
So what I what I want to say
is,
sisters, those of you that keep coming back
to this,
men don't want to marry older women,
a good number of you also have
this
fixation,
this obsession
with monogamy.
And that's the elephant in the room that
we're not talking about. Because a lot of
the sisters who are older
have this thing that they are too good
for monogamy. I mean, too good for polygyny.
And who told you that, sis?
So we can't we can't talk about tradition.
It's not the way of the prophet of
Islam and the companions and all that. We
can't say that Yeah. But not also acknowledge
that in the community,
they were taking care of the divorcees and
the widows.
One of the means by which they were
doing that was polygyny.
That is a missing piece. Thank you so
much. Guys, when we make the PowerPoint presentation
that kind of paints the picture that I
painted today, we have to add that. We
have to add
normalizing
polygyny
for ourselves first and foremost
and then for our children. Right?
And in the community,
allowing it to be an option for those
who wish to practice it upon here. Seriously,
the the the either,
podcast recording with the sisters from the outstanding
personal,
relationships,
coach Nazir's coach Nazir's wives.
And we were talking about this. And we
were talking about how
within the the narrative of the community,
we
have problematized
the institution of polygyny. Right?
We've problematized it. We've said that is the
reason
that sisters are not happy,
that, you know, brothers are kind of overstepping
the bounds, sisters are being exploited, children are
being traumatized, homes are being destroyed, people are
losing their childhood,
you know so much betrayal so much hurt
so much pain all of this with freaking
polygamy. Yeah,
that's the narrative.
Excuse me guys. Sorry.
Stop counting. Narrative.
That's the narrative.
Unfortunately,
the same things
can be said
of monogamous
marriages
because
guess what? It's human beings
involved in both of those institutions.
Right?
In a we know
of people who've been betrayed,
people who are unhappy,
people who had their hearts broken, children who've
been traumatized,
divorced,
you know, abuse, domestic violence, all of this
stuff. Most of it's happening in monogamous marriages,
guys. That's the reality. I remember coach Nadia
making this point, and I was like, wow,
that is such a good point. We
point at the institution of religion and say
that's the problem. But actually guys, we are
the problem. It is the people in the
institution
Behaving in ways that are not befitting.
That is the problem.
And if we were going to actually look
at, you know, how much whatever good or
bad happens in different institutions, I don't know
whether polygyny would actually come out as the
worst one because there are more people in
monogamy
who are having problems than there are in
polygyny just because there are more monogamous families.
Right? There are more monogamous people. So
to to your point and to add to
this matrix that we're creating
Getting a grip on our own ideas about
something that Allah
has made halal and has put barakah in.
Right?
Like this this whole thing of sisters, men,
women, whoever it is, yeah,
because of their own personal bias
justifying why polygamy was okay then, but it's
not okay now.
It was okay in a certain time, but
it's not okay anymore because, well, we've we've
evolved in it. Like, our society is so
much better now. We have so much more
respect now with all of this nonsense.
If Allah
saw fit to mention
in the Quran
that you may marry 2, 3, or 4,
And then, you know, if you cannot, then
you choose 1.
If you chose to mention it in the
Quran, do you not think that it's important?
Do you not think that Allah, Azza wa
Jal,
considered this institution
worthy of mentioning in his eternal book? Like,
seriously, how many things in the deen do
we do on on, you know, as a
as a as a matter of course, there's
not mention in the Quran at all.
Allah never mentions it in the Quran, but
we know because of the example of the
prophet,
etcetera. Right? Polygyny is mentioned in the Quran.
So for those of us who are trying
to wiggle out of it because we feel
ashamed or because we've got a personal
experience or because we have imbibed trauma from
other people who have been hurt in the
institution
We need to cleanse ourselves
Right?
Because just as you said,
not only working on our own attitudes towards
religion for ourselves
and
and normalizing it for our children and our
daughters and our sons. Right? Don't bring your
daughter up with the idea that if a
man loves her, he will never marry another
woman Don't do that to her
Don't teach her that she has to find
the one and she has to be the
only one and all of this stuff either
from your actions or from your speech Don't
do that to her
because it's not
fair. You're setting her up for potential disappointment.
Don't tell your son that he should be
happy with 1 woman. Right? Tell him to
be a good husband
to as many women as he is is
is capable of doing. Teach him how to
be a man. What is a man?
Not that simp from Hollywood. Trust me on
that.
Not that guy who's there running after his
wife and trying to placate her and trying
to make her everything, and she's his everything.
And if she doesn't if she's not happy
with him and he doesn't sleep, that's not
what the hadith says, bro.
Don't say that.
You raised your son to be a simp.
He's not going to be happy, and he's
not going to be that strong man who
can lead.
Because if he's following after his wife, maybe
because you you made him follow after you
as his mom,
and constantly be trying to get your approval
and your validation,
which is your role as a mom, guys,
and we talked about this on the on
the screen yesterday. Right?
If you are setting your son up in
a situation where he feels he's constantly performing
to get your validation,
your approval that mommy must be pleased with
him. You will make him into a weak
man
and His wife will have the whip hand
over him
And that's not what Allah Allah is that's
not acceptable, guys.
Not to say there shouldn't be love there.
Of course, they should. Look at the example
of the prophet sallallahu alaihi wasallam.
One of the most merciful,
and I would just say humble husbands that
we have example of.
Merciful,
loving, passionate,
all of the good stuff. Right? But he
was a man,
and he knew where his responsibilities
lay. And he knew which side his bread
was buttered, and he made sure his wives
knew as well. Like, he put them on
notice.
If you or your son cannot put his
wife on notice, if your daughter cannot accept
to be put on notice, we're gonna make
more problems for them.
So normalizing it within ourselves,
normalizing it within the Muslim community in general
and wives.
If your husband's only married to you
If you want to put in your contract
that he can't marry again unless he divorces
you you know what
Knock yourself out.
But if you are married,
my advice
is
know in the back of your mind that
it could happen,
that it could be a possibility,
know that at the end of the day,
he could exercise his right,
and don't get crazy.
Do not
stoop beneath your dignity as a Muslim woman
by acting crazy.
Because when your husband,
if he has
the the the the the the to come
to you and say,
babe,
this is what I wanna do.
And you say to him,
divorce me then.
I don't wanna be here. Well, fine then.
Go and do it then. I'm leaving. I'm
taking the kids. Don't you dare. You promise
me I don't want this. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. And you make his life a living
*.
1 of 2 things gonna happen.
He's gonna do it,
and you've ruptured what you guys built.
Right?
And you're gonna have to eat humble pie,
or he's gonna do it. He's not going
to do it.
But
in that situation,
you have emasculated
him. He's not gonna forgive you for that,
and you will not be able to forget
that.
And you may feel good in the moment.
You may feel great. I got what I
wanted. I got my way.
He wanted to do this thing. And I
was like, * no. You're not doing that.
And you know what? He didn't dare.
Listen to that.
Is that a man that you're gonna respect?
Is that a man that you're going to
lean
on? That you're going to rely on? That
you're going to follow?
*
no. You're not following him.
And that's that's the chop logic, sisters, right,
that we have to deal with. You may
want something,
but it's bad for you. And you may
dislike a thing, but there is good in
it for you. And I can't think of
an ayah in the Quran that is that
is just
it just hits the nail on the head
for so much of this stuff that we
talk about.
It could be that you dislike a thing,
but there is good in it for you.
And it could be that you like a
thing, and it's bad for you.
So the other thing is make the option
of honorable halal polygamy
make it an option on the table for
discussion, for conversation.
Because if you don't, you're either pushing something
under the carpet
and this whole conversation about secret wives, which
we've talked about here on other channels as
well
Why does a man take a secret wife?
Give me what do you think brother Nossa
firstly you can answer that and then you
guys in the chat in the comments
Answer me that question What are the reasons
why a man will not disclose to his
wife that he either wants to take a
second wife or he's going to or he
has done? What are the reasons? 1, 2,
3. Go.
So
a a number of points,
and it comes back to something that I
said before.
Sisters keep other sisters single.
And it's important that sisters, when you mention
that,
brothers don't like to marry older women, divorcees,
if that is true, if that is the
reality
for some brothers,
then you must acknowledge, if we're being logical,
the need that is there for polygyny.
That's just basic logic. That's rudimentary.
So
when other sisters,
those that are married
and those that just follow the crowd
are against polygyny. You're only hurting your own
options
if you are in a situation where you
become divorced.
So that's one thing. And or not even
divorced, but have not been married.
And I can tell you that
when I speak to sisters
who are in terrible marriages, marriages that need
to end in divorce,
and they're older,
they
still are against
polygyny
even when they're in their forties.
And, again, that's why earlier I mentioned
this lack of acknowledgment
of the wall.
When you understand that the wall is real,
it will allow you to move differently. Because
as you said earlier, biology doesn't lie.
So when you understand the world, you understand
that
externally,
you may look like you're in your late
twenties, but internally,
you're 40, ma. That's just it. That's reality.
So you have to accept that, and that
comes with accepting the wall.
And so
one of the things that I think we
need to have a very
important conversation on is this
knee jerk reaction, this
immature reaction
that a lot of sisters and some brothers
fall into this
because it's so widespread
is
this referring to brothers as cowards
if they take a wife in secret.
Mhmm.
Right?
So we can, on one hand, say that
we're concerned about the mental health and an
emotional well-being of brothers, of men.
But, also, then on the flip side, when
we don't get what we like from them
or they they exercise
options,
we then begin to engage in the dysfunctional
behavior of labeling
and rating them.
Right?
2 things.
Because that's unhealthy.
2 things. Ain't nobody ain't nobody care. Ain't
nobody care. Okay. Ain't nobody kid. Nobody cares.
Nobody cares.
And you choose violence.
No problem. I can take that. But then
on the other hand, don't try to tell
me that you're concerned about the mental wealth.
I mean, the mental health of men. Nobody
cares about mental health of men. I said
this from our first episode. It's just And
don't tell me don't tell me you brothers
to be vulnerable.
No. It's just talk. It's just talk. We
agreed this. Guys, we know that it's the
game is up, bruv. The game is up.
We now know that I want a man
who can be vulnerable. Brothers should be vulnerable.
It's just code.
It's just code for
listen to me
and,
validate my emotions. That's what it's code for.
Right? And and and maybe some emotional openness,
Shweta, but let's not get sidetracked because we're
on a we're on to a good thing
here. We're on to a very good thing
here. So
the point of of
the labeling
the labeling and just side note, this comment,
please make sure that we come back to
this secret wives or haram and that strict
Just address it right now. When we say
secret wives or private arrangements, what are we
talking about here?
So so
two things.
One,
why is a brother choosing a secret wife?
Or a secret or private as I would
prefer to use. Why is a brother and
a sister? Because let's also acknowledge
that these are 2 adults
choosing to keep their marriage private.
Why are they choosing to do that? And
see, I think when we don't ask that
deeper question,
which is
intellectually
dishonest,
it's because we don't wanna take ownership for
our own,
unhealthy
opinions
that we bleed out into the community
that then creates a community where people feel
as though they have to keep their marriage
private.
Yeah. Check this out. Check this comment out.
I agree with you 100%.
This for me
is an example of the narrative.
I think you have to know yourself well
because the drama from polygyny could very well
be the road to health. Okay. Are you
gonna say the same for are you gonna
say are you gonna say the same for
a marriage?
The drama that comes from a marriage?
The drama that comes from joining a new
family, the drama that comes from children, the
sacrifices that you have to make, the difficulty.
You gotta say the same thing about everything?
People and again,
it's not the institution.
It's the people.
Don't blame the institution for the way the
people are behaving. Of course, every situation
puts pressure on us. This is this dunya,
guys.
This dunya is the place of test and
examination.
And every situation that we get ourselves into
is gonna put pressure on us for for
for in different ways and for different outcomes.
So those of you who went to university,
right, and you studied something hard, yeah, like
medicine. I've got big respect for people who
study medicine. I could never do it.
But what did you sacrifice in order to
complete that degree?
Was it easy?
Was it pleasurable?
Was it fun all the time?
Did you lose sleep? Did you lose friends?
Right? Were you stressed out? Okay. Were you
were you were you in a in a
bad state emotionally physically mentally? Whatever. Did you
spend or rack up debt?
Did you have to forego a lot of
the things that other people were doing and
sacrifice in order to you for you to
have that MD on your name? Yes, you
did.
And the reason you did that is because
you believed it was worth it. It's the
same thing with children and child rearing and
childbearing. It's the same with marrying 1 man.
It's the same as marrying 2 women. It's
the same as taking care of your elderly
parents.
This dunya is a place of test and
examination.
Somebody put in the chat that,
was it monogamy
favors women or something? And I wanna say
to that,
it favors women who are married.
Obviously,
he was trying to make the point, I
think, that monogamy favors women over men. So
polygyny is more like it favors men more
men get more out of religion than they
than women do right? But the reality is
monogamy
favors
women who are married
women who have first wife status
or only wife status who have the privilege
of having someone
It's just like we talk about, you know,
tax rules or whatever the case may be
favors people who have money, obviously.
But does that mean that we don't ever
think about those who do not have that?
When you say that, you know, oh, like,
one of the things that came up in
the conversations today was people saying that, oh,
polygamy is all about the man and what
he wants.
Sorry. Did he not marry a woman?
Didn't he marry another woman? Isn't there now
another woman
who, masha'Allah,
has a husband,
who has companionship,
who has a halal outlet for her desires,
who has a protector, who has another adult
in her life, who cares and is looking
out for her. Sorry. Did did all of
that barakah not happen?
Mhmm. What? Because the first wife has got
her nose out of joint and she's vexed
about it? So so so none of the
other barakah counts because she's upset,
Because this is not what she wanted. Because
she didn't choose. Because she didn't agree. Because
she didn't want him to do that. So
all of the other barakah is discounted now.
Doesn't mean anything. Because my feelings were hurt
because he did this thing to me. I
don't I don't agree with this.
It's wrong, guys.
I remember somebody who wasn't Muslim who was
watching one of the videos talking about polygyny,
whatever. Right? And it was talking about this
this particular
experience of polygyny, which is the first wife's
kind of her what we're now calling trauma,
right, when her husband married.
And this person was very confused because they
were like, hold on.
Muslims all know
that a man in their religion is allowed
to marry up to 4 women.
So why do Muslim women get married and
expect monogamy?
Wouldn't it make more sense for them to
marry and expect that maybe
there will be somebody else if not 2
or 3 others because that's a part of
our dean and it's a part of our
culture and has been the culture for many
many years for in most of our communities.
Right? And to be honest, I could not
answer the question.
I could not answer the question because, well,
we can talk about society and changes and
everything. But if we're gonna be real about
this deen, guys, if we're gonna be sincere
to Allah and his messenger, we need to
unpack a lot of this stuff. We really
really do.
So let me just read off some of
these answers why people said why a husband
would not tell his wife. So we've got
he doesn't trust that she can handle it.
Sis says out of respect, he should mention
it.
Later says because she might go crazy on
him.
Oh,
from what I've seen, some men do it
because their wife is involved in shirk. Woah.
Okay.
Aisha says they don't tell their wife because
they don't fear Allah.
They don't fear Allah?
Maybe the wife doesn't fear Allah or maybe
the husband doesn't fear Allah. That's why he
doesn't tell her. I'm not sure. I think
it's I think it's important just to make
a quick note here before we go to
the next one. Please remember
the best of example,
the prophet
was not getting approval from his wives
before he took on another wife. Let's just
make that very clear.
Very clear. He was not seeking approval or
validation.
Yeah.
When he told me to this I wanna
speak to this point here. Brother says, the
reason a man does not disclose is because
she threatens to the family, the marriage, which
is what I mentioned earlier, which a man
wants to keep to maintain the family. Now
I know of a situation where a brother
had married quite young. He had several children
with his wife, but really him and his
wife, it was a mismatch. Right? We know
this happens, especially in an arranged situation. It's
a mismatch.
He did not feel fulfilled
with this wife on a lot of different
levels, but that's the mother of his children.
Right? So he's like, I I can't
leave her. I can't do this because
I personally am a full force.
What can I do?
And, of course, he knew that he had
the option of marrying again. But when he
discussed it with his wife, she was like,
absolutely
no way. If you do that, the kids
and I are gone. Right? So he's in
a situation where, as far as he's concerned,
I either stick it out with this with
the mother of my children and I sacrifice
myself and I deny myself something that is
halal and I'm unhappy
and it impacts my work, it impacts the
way I show up, it impacts my whole
life experience, right,
to keep her happy
and keep my family intact,
or I take the avenue that Allah has
allowed for me and I have another wife
on the side, do things Islamically, Yani. You've
got your witnesses. You do your nikah. You
have your mahar and everything. Right?
Just to take the pressure off this marriage.
Because if I stay in this marriage and
that's all I have, I will eventually divorce
her because I can't stay in this situation.
Right? So this was obviously his reading of
his situation.
But how many
women want to hear that?
How many of us?
And I I've said this before, and I'm
thinking I'm gonna keep saying it actually because
I really think it's a question that we
don't ask enough.
How many of
us are so sure that our husband is
satisfied
with us as a wife
that we in our heads think that he
has no reason to want anybody else.
No reason at all.
I don't know.
That's a question
that sisters need to ask,
but I think that entitlement,
that lack of humility
would not allow some, not all, but some
to ask that question. Because that's an important
question.
Because when you come from the Disney fantasy,
how can I not be enough? How can
how can my presence,
me being the table, not be sufficient for
any need that he may have?
Yeah. Right? And and you know the the
the interest he who is he to want
more than what I'm giving?
That's one. I think that you hit the
nail right on the head right there.
He's not all that.
He's got this this this this floor. Right?
He's not perfect.
Who is he to want more than I'm
already giving him? And that is not to
say that the sister's giving him all that
she could be giving him as a wife
because sisters
a brother mentioned that his wife,
said that she wants to lose weight for
him,
and he told her, you know, not to
bother. He loves her the way that she
is and that, you know, a husband who,
what did he say? That that men value
good wives and mothers. Right? Good moms. He
said specifically good moms. Right? And the thing
is while
I
I think that's a wonderful sentiment and I'm
sure that his wife feels very secure in
that relationship.
I think there can be a danger
of expecting
all men to have that same sentiment.
That because I have had his children,
he should not
have a standard for me. That he shouldn't
have expectations of me because can't he see
I'm busy
raising his kids? I'm busy having his kids.
And this could show up in, for example,
the amount of time and attention he gets,
how his needs are prioritized
within the home,
also intimate activity and private time,
not to mention, obviously, the physical aspect and
how you show up in that space.
But I I have a sneaking suspicion
that for many of us as sisters,
our identity within our families and
our identity as as as women within our
families is tied very much to our role
as mothers,
much more so than as wives.
So even though the dean teaches us to
ask ourselves,
how how does my husband feel about me?
Is he pleased with me? And to take
ourselves to account for that. Right? Because that's
what the hadith says. Mhmm. The woman came
to the prophet and she said, I do
this. I do that. I do that. And
he said, how are you with your husband?
And then she said, I serve him, and
I do not disobey him in anything. And
he said, good. Because look to him, for
he is your heaven, not your *. Right?
I don't think because of the society we
live in and all the stuff,
I don't think many of us actually
are real with ourselves
when it comes to the question of
how is my husband?
How does he really feel about me as
his wife, as his woman? Not as the
mother of his children,
not as the homemaker, not as the the
the community this and the auntie and the,
you know, the grand you know, the daughter-in-law
and all of that stuff, but as his
wife, as his woman in this space between
us. What do you think? Is this something
that's been on my mind for a while?
What do you think in the comments? And,
brother Nasu, what do you think of that?
Do you think I'm being unfair?
No. I don't think you're being unfair, and
I understand the sentiment of that brother. But
I would say to him if he was
working with me and asked me, yeah, tell
your wife you love her and you appreciate
her as
your wife and the mother of
your children,
a 100%,
but also buy her a treadmill.
Brothers, don't don't see, I don't know the
context, so I'll take it away from that
brother.
But don't set yourself up
to be
unattractive
to your wife
because that's kind of a spineless comment.
Right? That's a Simpish comment.
Right?
That's a man what I hear and, brother,
whoever you are who said that, I don't
know your situation. So, again, I'm taking this
away from you. I'm just looking at the
comment on surface. It may not apply to
you and your situation.
But what I hear is
the
unfortunate mantra that we
regurgitate of
happy wife, happy life.
So let me make comments to her that
will
appease,
and lead to her happiness
versus
the reality of,
nah, ma, you need to to stay in
shape. Yes. I love how you are with
our children,
but as my wife, I need you to
get on that treadmill.
And that that should be okay for him
to say, and that segues
into what we were discussing earlier in terms
of
why
what are some of the reasons why a
man and the woman he chooses, the other
adult,
would choose to keep the marriage, the second
marriage,
private
because he has evidence
that she is more than likely going to
respond in a manner
that's not healthy
for the family,
not healthy for herself,
nor healthy for our relationship.
And so that's why I was saying earlier
that this
perspective
of labeling
a man as a coward because he chooses
to keep
his second marriage or 3rd or 4th private
is intellectually
dishonest and emotionally immature.
More than likely, what has happened is
for the duration of your marriage, he's taken
assessment,
There's been a temperature check
on how you handle
not getting what you want,
how you handle
discomfort.
And so now when this issue has come
up,
he's made a logical
a logical
informed
choice
to keep it private
versus
telling
you because of the history of evidence that
he has.
Now you may not agree with that logical
choice,
but it can still be logical to him
based off of the evidence that he has
of how you will handle
discomfort.
So saying that he's a coward
is really a cop out
versus
having the humility
to say,
what have I shown him in our marriage
that would lead him to think
that the best option is to not tell
me.
Mhmm. See, that's accountability.
It's accountability
to find out my husband has chosen
to engage in a halal
marriage,
but kept it private from me.
What would make him
is there anything that I've done that has
demonstrated
to him
that he should do that?
Alright. I'm gonna give you the pushback that
everybody wants
on this particular issue. Right? Because I know
that, you know, if a clip of this
went out into the atmosphere,
the first thing would be, he should not
have done it. You are blaming the victim.
You are gaslighting,
and you're telling sisters it is their fault
that their husband went and took a wife
behind their back. How do you respond to
that?
So first and foremost, when you clip it,
just make sure you you direct them to
my Instagram, nasiralimn,
nasiralimn,
and on YouTube,
same first and last name. Follow a
brother. Like as well.
So what I would say is this. That's
not emotionally
sound logic.
Meaning,
the brother has to
accept
accountability
for his choice.
What I'm referring to is
the logic
behind the choice, how he got there,
And how he got there is an assessment
of the experience he's had with you throughout
the marriage.
Now
as I've always said,
the feeling is always valid.
Right? But the thinking that underpins emotions can
can can be accurate
or not.
And so his evaluation
may not be accurate,
but that doesn't mean it's not logical.
Meaning,
he's taken the evidence that he's seen from
you that demonstrates that you know what? She's
made this comment here that when her girlfriend's
husband
took a second wife, she praised her for
destroying the family
or throwing things Right. Or peck at the
kids and leaving.
Right?
She praised that. So that's evidence for him
that if I do the
same, regardless of who the sister is, how
she can be a asset to the family,
how she can be a asset to our
kids, how she can be a asset to
me,
she's still going to cause
a disturbance. She's still going to create drama
because throughout our marriage,
she's praised
the drama that other women have engaged in.
That's evidence.
So in the model, we always want to
challenge our thinking, our thoughts, our hypotheses that
we make about what's happening.
They're hypotheses about ourselves, others, and life conditions.
So we make a hypothesis.
We have to test it out. The one
of the one of the ways in which
you test it out is
you look for evidence.
What is the evidence
for
or against
what I'm thinking? What is the evidence
for
me choosing to have a private marriage, or
what is the evidence
against it?
So he's looking at the evidence that you've
given him throughout
the marriage.
Now later on, you guys can discuss that
if the way he evaluated
was healthy or not. But the point that
I'm making is
he's making an informed decision
based off actions you've taken.
The question that's the challenge for sisters
is this.
Are you willing
to do a self assessment
of yourself,
what you think, feel, say, and do
in relation to polygyny.
What have you shown your husband throughout the
duration of the marriage
is going to be your response.
Because if you've demonstrated,
it is an act, I would say,
generally speaking.
A general sense, I would say, it is
an act of concern that he is making
an informed decision, I e, he's looking at
how you responded
and then make an informed decision,
not a hasty decision.
What's a hasty decision is when you find
out that he has
a second, 3rd, or 4th wife, because we
can't have 4. When you find that out
and then you start causing drama,
that's not healthy for your kids to see.
That's not healthy for the relationship between you
and your husband.
That's hastiness.
What you are lacking is not making an
informed decision of saying, you know what? I
don't like the fact that he's taken a
second wife, but let me look at how
he has been as a husband up until
this point. Yeah. And here's the sober reality.
At my age and with these kids,
can I honestly get better?
If I went out on the market right
now,
can do I have the leverage
to get better than what I have right
now? Some of y'all need to stay at
home.
You know what?
What you have.
You know, I just say to You go
out on these streets,
Don't don't let don't let IG
and brothers looking at your pictures
get it twisted.
You got on these streets post 35 with
kids.
It's cold out there. It's a cold winter.
2 things.
One is I agree.
I wanna cosign on what brother Nasiv said
about,
you know, sisters,
wives,
initial wives being strategic.
Right? And I know her sister said to
you, she's a message for you to say,
please
please be merciful in your delivery. We are
emotional beings,
and how you say things matters, Yani Marish.
But what I wanna say
is,
although it can be very difficult, sisters,
to
regulate
those emotions, especially when it just feels like
it's taking over.
It's worth
putting in the time now
to just learn to recognize
the thinking
that is producing the emotion. So for example,
in this comment here, I think her reaction
is why he keeps it a secret. I
feel like many wives automatically think she's getting
number 2 because she's lacking in something or
because wife number 2 brings something, wife number
1 never will. So the first thing I
want to say about this is that this
is this is a thought. It's a story
that you're telling yourself. Right? He's getting the
second one because I'm lacking,
or this second wife is bringing something that
I never will. So the first thing is
that these are stories that you're choosing to
tell yourself, and they're gonna make you feel
a particular way. But then the other thing,
I want to lean into this.
Because what if it's a true story?
Right?
What if
you are lacking something?
Is that okay?
Is it okay
to not be perfect?
Is it not is it okay to not
be the 100%
full package?
Is it okay to accept that your husband
has needs that you cannot fulfill?
Can you be okay with that? That's the
first thing. And then in the case of
the second comment,
is it possible
that
another woman can bring something
of value
to your husband's life that you either cannot
or do not want to bring.
Is that possible?
And can you be okay with that?
Because if and I this is the advice
I give across the board.
If your husband is a good man and
if you all you guys have a stable
home, your relationship is is nanny normal, is
within the bounds of normal,
and it's a good place to be, Aslan.
Right?
Don't
you be the one
to break up that hunger?
That's if he marries again, whether he tells
you he wants to do it, whether he
does it and tells you after, whether you
find out, whatever the case may be,
please sisters,
do not be the one
to break up the home.
And, you may like it when I put
it this way. That's your house.
That's your marriage. That's 5, 10, 15 years
in. That's your kids that have a father
and a mother and a home together. Why
are you gonna give it up for someone
else?
Because another woman came in the picture, now
you have to, like, destroy everything. Why should
you do that? Sorry. This is a bit
territorial.
This is this is that first wife game.
Okay?
Give to first wives. Like,
why are you gonna just blow up everything
that you've built for the past 5, 10,
15 years? What? Because another woman came on
the scene? If he wanted to leave, he
would have left.
If he wanted to destroy your home, he
would have walked out. So that's clearly not
what he's trying to do. Right? And I'm
I'm giving brothers the benefit of the doubt
here because I know that some brothers be
wilding when it comes to this thing, but
I'm going to give brothers the benefit of
the doubt here that you're a responsible man
who cares about your wife and your kids.
And for whatever reason, you decided to marry
again.
If he wanted to destroy what you guys
have built, he would be moving very differently.
He would have left. He would have kicked
you out. He would have walked out. He
would have divorced you. So that's clearly not
what he's trying to achieve. Don't you be
the one to break things up. Do what
you need to do
in here
and in here
to work through this and see what it
is that Allah
has planned for you and your family,
your husband, and this this this set of
responsibilities
that is now
I wanna say Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has
given him more responsibility.
Right? Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has has opened
the door for him
to take on more responsibility and inshallah earn
more reward.
So now the game has changed. Right? Previously,
it was you were the main responsibility and
your children. That was the game. You both
knew it. You played by the rules. Now
Allah Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala has given him a
manah
of another woman and potentially her children. So
now the field of play has changed, but
you still have your role to play and
she has now her role to play. Play
your part.
Play your role in the game
so that you can win for doing your
wafid.
And Allah knows best.
And I think I think there's something to
be said, and I I don't think we
talk about I I I have not heard
this, and I can
I I I cannot think of a time,
and maybe you have because
you're you're a sister?
I have not heard a discussion around
the cost,
the cost spiritually,
the cost in terms of your
relationship with your lord and your faith
around being the first
and trying to
destroy
your husband's second marriage.
Because,
like,
any woman or any person that tries to
destroy destroy a marriage that calls a divorce,
we would view that as as haram. Like,
this is you don't do it.
But I really about it and shaytan. Shaytan
loves the the shayateen that does that come
between a man and his wife. It doesn't
say between a man and his only wife
or his first wife. It says a man
and his wife.
So that's a really good reminder, brother. I
hadn't even thought about that.
And and I I I can't I can't
speak for you, but I've never really heard
that conversation
in terms of sister, first wife. Look. I
I understand that it's not what you wanted,
but be mindful
of trying
to destroy that marriage
because there are repercussions
to that.
Right? We don't hear that conversation. Yeah. It's
true. It's true. No. Because the the conversation
is. And these are some of the things,
right, that we that we see in the
in the community. The conversation is
if she can't handle it, right, and if
the family breaks as a result, it's his
fault. Mhmm. Because he should not have ever
gone there in the first place. That's the
first thing. But then the other thing as
well is I think for you know, if
I'm just gonna speak on behalf of the
body of women,
it is the belief that if he really
loved me, he wouldn't
do
it. Speak to that.
Yeah. I I no. I I think it
I will speak to it from a man's
perspective, but I just think from
actually, let me think of it. Let me
approach it from
a counseling coaching perspective.
No. We want the male perspective because that's
the right perspective.
We want the male perspective here.
So my job is finished because I got
you to repeat it. So look.
It's that CBT, guys. It's Pavlov's dog. You
know, I'm just being conditioned here right now.
Now. This is grooming. Okay? So Katie didn't
know. There you go.
So what I what I would say is
and it speaks to what we've talked about
a number of times before and you mentioned
earlier, that's a narrative that you've told yourself.
Right?
And because you're telling yourself that narrative that
he does not love me, hence, he took
a second wife, That's a narrative. That's the
evaluation
you made after the perception of him getting
married. So you got the new information. Cultural
narrative. That's the cultural narrative. It's not even
an just an individual one. The cultural narrative,
if your husband loves you, he would never
do that to you.
So how do we you know? We
right. Right.
So we can choose what cultural narratives we
want to embrace. We do that every day.
Right? So we can choose that. And so
we we we expect
men to
make healthy choices,
so we also have to expect that women
will make healthy choices.
And
choosing not to follow that narrative,
that love can only look this way in
a marriage.
Right? That's unhealthy. That's not a helpful narrative.
It speaks to what we're talking about before
when you make this demand
that your spouse, your partner has to express
love,
his affection for you in a certain way.
And if it doesn't, then it doesn't count
as love. If it doesn't meet my love
language,
then it's not considered
as him expressing love to me.
Right?
And so I e, if he engages in
polygyny, then it's automatically
a indication that he doesn't love me. And
that's a narrative. And that narrative has to
be challenged.
And it's on the sister to do that.
Right? Because she creates that narrative.
And and a point a point to earlier
that you that you mentioned that I think
is very important,
It says is don't put that pressure on
yourself that you have to be everything
to your husband.
That that that's
unrealistic expectation.
That's that's very unrealistic,
and that's going to lead to emotional discomfort.
And it's probably going to lead you to
rating and labeling yourself,
which then will lead to self downing. And
then you fall into the rabbit hole of
anxiety
and or depression.
Anxiety that now I have him, how do
I keep him?
Right? Ain't nobody thinking about that. No. No.
No. No. No. No. Yeah. That's that that's
that Nobody cared about that.
That's that undercurrent
of a core belief
that's showing itself
in protective behavior, mate guarding.
Right? Right. The mate guarding is the external
action
that's underpinned though by that fear of losing.
Right? That anxiety of being alone.
Right?
And so I I would just say, sis,
don't don't put that pressure on yourself that
you have to,
be everything to your husband.
Because I think a healthy man
is not expecting for you to be everything
to him.
And, hence,
there may be another woman
that can provide things for him that he
doesn't necessarily expect you to provide.
Which in its own way is,
is merciful,
I think. Because being held to a standard
where you are expected to be
every woman and a 100%
in every way is that's pressure. That's, real,
real pressure,
Yeah. Yeah.
Especially as a man grows and and develops.
Right? He
what he may
value and be interested in at 25 may
not be the same thing he's interested in
at 35 or 40.
Right? And he can't demand of you to
be that
if that's not where you were at when
you both got married.
That call lines are open. Oh, yes. We
can't do it, brother. That call lines are
open.
I I look. Sister Leila, I think you
hit it on the head. It boils down
to
actually, can you read this, please?
Goes down to what brother Nasir said about
tolerance and emotional regulation
and accept Allah's decree number 1.
Okay.
Alright, guys.
The best perspective.
It's Nasiv's perspective, not the male perspective.
Okay.
Right, guys. Calls the lines are open. The
link is in the chat. Who wants to
join us? Man.
You can't just identify with whatever you wanna
identify without hearing. What is a man anyway?
Right. Whitney could not handle being every woman.
This is very true. Sad. Oh. Sad but
true.
And that that's a very good point. But,
so a couple of things that you mentioned
earlier that I wanted to speak to that,
I I I want to address.
One of them, when we're talking about
the drama, the comment that said the drama
of polygyny could be what leads to *.
And you made a very good point about
questioning
the drama of various things.
One of the things that I, as I
see as I work with sisters, is,
are you also holding that same that same
standard to
the drama of dating?
Right? Because so many are engaged in this
dating thing.
Right?
So what about the drama of that?
Just
a point. You can jump in on that
if you would.
I'm on my hill.
I'm on my hill. Okay.
Both them team there. Okay. So I may
not talk about it. May not chat about
it. Sister Joerrey is here to join us.
What have you got?
To both of you.
You guys raised a really really good point
on all the subjects
and I just there was one thing as
a as a father and a master said
sorry if I'm saying my name wrong.
I'm basically I'm a married. I'm in
mid
let's say 35 I think at the moment.
So there was a time when I really
wanted to get married young and then you
know I tried everything
I put in the work, I put in
the effort, but Allahu Alam, it just wasn't
in it for me. It just wasn't written
for me. So sometimes
sisters do try to to put in the
effort, but sometimes it's not just written for
them at the time. So that's one thing
we need to acknowledge that, you know, it's
not it's not your time just yet.
It's true. And one of the things was
when when I was to conduct the polygamy,
I was open to it, but one of
my conditions was
I would prefer he informed me before he
did it.
Mhmm. Because I didn't want the whole community
to be gossiping about what my husband is
doing behind my back.
Even if I if I'm upset or I
agree with it, I can't say no because
I like I like gave him the choice
and it's hello. And if he get married,
and as I used to say to my
mom, it would take the pressure off me.
Let's be honest. Let's be honest. Let's be
honest. When you're a mother, when you've got
kids, when you've got housework, when you've got
so much things, and sometimes you've the you
know, the husband comes, he's like, sit you
know, come on. Let's go. And, yeah, I'm
not in the mood tonight. Can you, you
know you can be I'm not in the
mood, but, you know, she might be in
the mood. Why don't you go visit her
tonight?
Outsource.
Outsource. Tell you. Well, you could've yes.
Outsource. Some of the best companies have become
successful.
Yes. Outsource.
Yes. Yes. Go ahead. You would outsource intimacy
with your husband. No.
No. No. Let's No.
No.
No. No. No. He might be in the
mood. He might have decided, but you're tired.
You're not in the mood. So I'm sorry.
Is Halal is is Halal is Halal fame
too, you know? Is Halal fame the same
as me? Yeah. Yeah.
I like it.
He he can get it from there, and,
you know, I get a night off. I
I have a really nice sleep sleep when
the kids wake me up in the morning.
Yeah. Yeah. And look. Look. All this is
is following tradition of Yeah. One of the
wives of the prophet
who gave her nights over to Aisha, if
I'm not mistaken.
Yes. So but that's what I mean. There's
a lot of good people tend to focus.
I my parents were in a monogamous marriage.
I mean, polygamy marriage.
And since my mom was like a second
wife.
So, Masha, they were really I I watched
them my parents been married, like, 40 years.
I've watched them. I've yeah.
And she married quite young. She was, like,
16 when she married. She had me 17.
So yeah. So
and I watched it, and I saw and
I saw how
it was working. How they were the how
the women were towards each other. How did
how they will behave towards each other. That
for me gave me, like, okay. That's the
right way to do it. Lot of people
tend to see the bad. Yes. And also
because women like, oh, he married oh, he's
married another one. What's wrong with you kind
of thing?
You know? Women can be the worst, you
know. Women can be Women are we are
all we are our worst enemies to our
sisters.
When we see a something going good for
a sister, right, saying, Masha'Allah,
we attacking her.
We we literally we we like, oh, like,
let's see. Maybe we see a sister who
going through, she's not married. So today's what's
wrong with her? Why does no one wanna
her marry her or whatnot? Maybe, you know,
she she might not be ready or just
didn't work. And like brother, brother Lou said,
some at a certain age, you do hit
a wall.
I'm not when I was 20
and early,
late teens, the the what I was getting,
the proposals, the people coming to my parents,
It's not as as it would.
You know? So let me ask you, sis.
So can I may I just ask you
just, like, if you don't mind?
Yeah. Because a lot of the time, I
know in the conversations about this sort of
outside of the Muslim community. Right? Yeah. There
will be women who will say, look. I'm
35.
I never found anyone. Right? It's been this
long, and I never found anybody suitable. And
a lot of the men push back on
that and say, hold on a minute.
I bet you did get decent proposals,
but you thought maybe there's another one coming.
Maybe there's a better one coming. Right? Or
for whatever reason, you didn't lock it down
when you did have decent proposals. Was that
the case with you, do you think, if
you're honest?
There there was quite a few that I
never actually gave a chance because I didn't
like
the the way they looked or the way
they acted. The character, I did not. There
was quite a few that came very close.
One of them, I we spoke my he
met my parents and everything. And when he
was ready, he just disappeared.
He ghosted me.
So and some,
so though I will be honest. There were
times when
people came, but I wasn't in the right
mindset. Right. I feel at that time, and
I'm like, listen. I'm sorry. I can't do
this right now. So yeah.
But the the I'm sure there was some
point where
I didn't my my my mom or my
dad came to me and said, this this
was I was like, no.
Straight away. Because I thought, like, oh, why
are they going through my parents or some
I don't know. I wasn't one of those
rebellious stages where I didn't wanna hear it,
to be honest. You know what? Hindsight. For
honesty. No. No. No. I appreciate your That
is big things. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I I
That's amazing.
Yeah. That's thank you so much for that.
Thank you so much for that. And you
know, sis, what you were saying about how
your parents were in a polygamous marriage for
14 years,
That impacts
your ideas about polygyny, doesn't it? And that's
what I was saying is that people base
their ideas about polygyny either on what they've
heard
or a negative experience that they've had. Right?
Or they've seen somebody else go through. But
it's not the institution.
Some people make it work. Some people make
it work beautifully because
40
years?
Yes.
Yeah. And sometimes people talk about how monogamy
is the best. It's sometimes it's not. I've
seen monogamy marriage
get destroyed for something little or because they
couldn't communicate properly or
like the one of the things I noticed,
I don't know if the other community, especially
in the Somali community.
I'm from Somalia, I think, you know.
When women get married and they start having
kids, they focus so much on being the
mother,
being the taking care of the household. They
forget be to be the wife.
So what I was saying
comes the husband becomes
3rd, 4th. Like, he's it's all about the
kids.
Right. It's all about the kids, and then
afterwards, the housework, and then it's the other
family members.
And then the husband become, like, the husband
who, basically.
So they don't have this
this outsource
outsource it.
Yeah.
But this is this is exactly what I
was saying because, you see, if if that
husband now decides to to to marry again,
I'm sure that there will be people within
his space that will say, how could he
do that to her? She's such a good
woman. Look at how she works for the
house. Look how dedicated she is, etcetera, etcetera.
But really what they're looking at is her
as a mother,
as a sister, as a daughter, you know,
as as somebody of age and benefit from.
Right? They're not looking at the benefit he
may not be getting from her because he's
a priority. Yeah. Yeah. Because
it's it's there's no time for as a
husband and wife anymore. There's no time just
for you without the kids and the house
or the rest of the family involved. There's
none of that because when you guys met
and you it was just you, you had
all that time, all that energy to put
into together. But now we don't have that.
And so maybe it might be easier on
both of you if you got a second
wife.
But people don't see it like that. People
see, like, oh, how I I I'm the
mother of his children. I went through all
this. I did this one. I did that.
How, yeah, how can you marry another woman?
Yeah. It's true. You're right, sis. Hang on.
Hang on. Yeah. It's It's true.
If I had the air horn, I would
put it off for you.
Yeah. Of course. So they're working.
There was the the the the text you
guys read or the DM or the Instagram.
And the you know, my wife has to
keep it tight.
That one, for me from what the woman
say was a bit much, to be honest.
But it would depend on where the what
what my husband was coming from. Have I,
you know, have I let myself go? Am
I not putting as much effort into my
appearance? Am I and he even says to
me that and say, look, darling. You know,
you're not you be you you it's kinda
like you're letting yourself go a bit.
I get but it has to come from
a place of
sensitivity.
Let's be honest. As a woman, we are
very sensitive about body and especially if you
have children, it's very hard to everything count
again.
You don't have as much energy because you're
going around after the kids and whatnot. So
it takes time. So for him to be
like, you know, to mention in a sensitive
way.
Yes. To say, like, you know, you let
yourself go. And he has to give How
would you okay. Give us a script. I'm
really curious about this. Give us a script.
Okay? And the girls, ladies in the chat,
in the comments, those watching afterwards,
if you
can think of
a way that your husband could share with
you
that he is no longer attracted to you.
Right? Because you've let yourself go, because whatever.
And and this is not fixed just to
wait. It could be that you don't brush
your hair anymore. Girls, you know this is
an issue. We know. Right? The sisters out
here not brushing their hair anymore, you know,
maybe not shaving, maybe the leg, the feet
have become crusty,
You know, just also that nothing needs to
come out of this conversation.
We're done for asthma. Go back.
We don't put Sorry for the Nasiv. We'll
bring you back when it gets less and
needs to vanish.
But
how could
your husband share with you
that he is his his attraction to you
has waned, that it's less than it was
before in a way that you could accept
it and and and be able to move
forward with it. Can you think of how
we could do that? And let us know
in the in the com in the comments,
and we wanna hear from you as well.
What do you think? Say it. No comparison.
Don't compare me to anyone else because that
would be really complex.
Be honest
and
then you do well.
Yes. It's I'd rather you were honest with
me and you came to
came to me in a way You're like,
let me be honest with you. And then
you just sugarcoated everything and for you to
feel some way. Okay.
So,
for you to No comparison
and be honest. Comparison. Mhmm. Be honest.
And
the wording
is very important. How you how you deliver
it. We need a script. We need a
script. What do you want? What are words
you want him to say?
Without criticizing. You can be like, darling, what's
going on with you? You have, you know,
you haven't been yourself.
I've I've noticed, you know, you haven't been
brushing your hair properly. You have are you,
like is something going on?
Is it, you know, is it is it
is the house? Is it the kids? You
know, you're not taking care of yourself.
You're not taking care of yourself. Is there
something going on that I don't know about?
Okay.
Would you like to is there anything you
you you want me to help you with?
Is there anything I can do to help
to put the pressure off you?
And then maybe you we I can he
can be like, listen. I was thinking, how
would you feel if we did an activity
together and we go running in the mornings
together?
Okay. But when So that's one way for
him to kind of be one way. Maybe
not as as as as forthright,
but you get hint. Uh-huh. You get the
hint. Yeah. And he's like, oh, he's like,
you know, would you like, you know I
can keep the kids to bed and just
take some really you know, take a bath,
you know, take a really, like, you know,
a bubble bath. Just That's if you haven't
been you haven't been showering regularly. It's like,
hey. Why don't you just have a bubble
bath?
Yeah. Why don't you why don't you take
time for yourself? You know, to put like,
you you do so much for us and
you do so much for the house, so
much for the kids. Why don't you take,
like, an hour to do things for yourself,
to do your hair, to do your makeup,
you know, to do yeah. To do self
care.
Yeah. You see the this is Simone has
this new idea. She says that you can
continue to do something.
Darling, I love that dress on you. You
deserve a break. Go to the salon. Hang
on with your friends. Buy her perfume. Compliment
her. So this is the script from these
sisters, but then Phoebe says, I don't need
him to say it nicely. He sees your
worst. It should be a marriage of honesty.
My husband and me are brutally honest all
the time. Okay. I didn't say I didn't
say nicely. I didn't say nicely. I said
the way he delivered. Some someone can deliver
something and the way it comes across. It
doesn't have to be nice. It can be
honest, brutal, but the delivery.
Because it's impossible how you deliver how you
deliver. How do we rate this one? Okay.
Brothers, can you put in the chat how
you would do it? This is great. Put
in the chat how you would communicate the
fact that you lost attraction to your significant
other, and we will give it a rating,
with sister Jewadia. Alright? So,
Sheikh Nessa says, this is his one, would
you like me to take care of the
kids so you can spend some time on
yourself?
Nice. What do we what do we give
that? What do we give that out of
10?
We give that an
8. An 8. Yeah. What about Eusez,
Tahia?
Assalamu alaikum.
And subhanallah, the sisters raised,
raised so many,
important issues.
Subhanallah, she's been vulnerable for
sharing.
Thank you. Have a
it's really really interesting because,
you know, on one hand,
we tell, sisters,
you need to be this perfect person. You
need to do everything that it takes to
be
everything for your husband. And we know that
men are not expecting that from us, but
this is what society has kind of put
on us. And then on the other hand,
they tell brothers, all you have to do
is have the money. Change the bag and
that will be enough. And obviously, we know
Islamically
that
that is not all it takes, for marriage.
Allah has made it clear, you know, how
an ideal marriage
would be. It would have affection. It would
have mercy. It would have tranquility.
SubhanAllah. And everyone in that marriage should be
working towards that SubhanAllah.
And if it means that a baba you're
going to have to learn how to communicate
to your wife, do that,
you know. I I always say to sisters
when when I have a conversation about marriage,
I say to them, the most important things
that I believe
to that the most important thing in a
marriage is commitment.
Because I believe that when you are committed,
you you what what commitment means, it means
that you do what it takes to make
the marriage work. Whether it's learning something, whether
it's unlearning something,
you do what it takes. Now getting back
to the like, remember
sister in the comments I did say before,
brother,
please be careful because,
I've been there, and I've said it in
the comments. You know? I've got triggered by
a Fitbit.
You know? I got triggered. So you're in
the Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold
on. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Let me get
this straight because I did see your comment,
I didn't put it up on screen, but
sorry. Let me just get it clear. So
he was talking about buying a treadmill, and
you were like, treadmill? What? I got triggered
by a Fitbit.
Tell us about that. Let's unpack that a
little bit. Brother Nasir is here, so we
can, you know, if you can you can
give me a So,
gonna start off the I did I didn't
wanna share this. I wanna share it anyway.
So I'm recently divorced,
and, all these issues,
were, about polygyny, I've experienced them. And now
I'm in a better place. I'm in a
place where I'm like, yes. I'm all for
polygyny. I haven't been like that. And this
is one of the points why I wanted
to come on on
on the in the studio and talk about
is that
when we,
when Allah left us and we are aware
of something
that we know something, we should remember that
this is a blessing from Allah.
We know something. It's not because you wanted
to know something.
The knowledge that but
all of us know,
is not because
we wanted to have this knowledge.
It's been chosen by Allah for us to
have that knowledge, and there is a purpose
for it. And now how we choose to
use that knowledge, we are going to be
accountable for that, to Panama. So I always
take time to appreciate. And I think I
mentioned it in the comments yesterday
that everything that I've gone through that is
painful
has taught me a lesson.
And I I I did not look at
anything in a negative way. I just say
Allah put me in that position for a
reason. And sometimes Allah put me in that
position because
Allah wanted me to learn first and foremost
because when you go through something,
what do you learn? You learn to to
be empathetic to those peep to people that
experiences
the same thing as you. Because I I
honestly believe that until someone goes through something,
the same thing
or a similar thing, they cannot empathize
with what you're going through. They can stick
with you,
but they cannot empathize because
however much they want to understand where you're
coming from, they might not have the capacity
to understand what you're going through. Now that
being said,
I remember when my husband first said to
me, my ex husband, when he said to
me, and I I want to put it
out there that the reason the reason why
we're not together is not because of Polygyny.
So I I wanna put that up. I
I I accepted it and I said
to him, you know what? If it's something
that you wanna exercise,
you know, way as far as even saying,
you know what? You wanna marry a friend
of mine? Fine. You can do that. But,
I I wanna talk about that as well,
but I'm gonna go through that as well.
So Hold on a second. Woah. Woah. Can
I just say, inshallah, we are going to
have a polygyny live stream? Okay? This is
not the polygyny live stream but we are
going to have one definitely inshallah.
So please hold that story for when we
do a polygyny live stream. But what what
I want I would love for you to
to share with us, if you got triggered
by the Fitbit,
what was it that triggered you? What was
happening? What was the thinking? What was the
meaning that you took from that? Just so
we can put it into context with what
we're talking about at the moment.
Okay. So picture loss. So to to
when I look back
to that moment
and I think about,
how I felt or
what it meant to me for him to
say that. Because it's not
it's not it's not a case of him
saying the truth that triggered me. It's the
way,
because it's the way, like, the previous sister,
I forgot her name, mentioned
that they the way women want to hear
things, you know. And,
it it and it's not even men. There's
the way men want to hear things. I
can say something. Be sincere to a man.
Be truthful to a man, and he will
take it in a offensive way. And I'm
not going out of my way to be
offensive to him that he would take it
in an offensive way. Similar to the system
that is a brother can be sincere, a
brother can be truthful,
but the way he say something
can can
hurt his feelings.
Because for me, my Right. Go ahead. Sorry.
Oh, it was the case that he he
before this, he had never said anything to
me about my weight or you know? So
now if you're buying
a a Fitbit, and it wasn't only a
Fitbit. It was, a weighing scale that tells
you everything. Your BMI Wow.
Okay. Now he would drop hint hints. Okay.
No. These were hint hints. Okay.
It
was one of those that you could connect
to an app and that app would suck.
You'll wait
and he added on his phone.
So, obviously,
me being a woman that is from the
west,
and I don't know if any other woman
would have found it offensive. I can only
speak from my own,
experiences.
But, you know, like, I'm thinking, okay. So
this is a bit old city, and where
is it coming from, and why are you
talking
my way?
And
why is it a problem? You know? And
obviously, now the the thinking I have now
I'm a bit more red pill now.
The feeling the the thinking I have
It's not the same thing I have before.
You know, I had before I I I
have the thinking of, you know, I accept
you the way you are. I accept you
me the way I am. You know?
So if he had said to you what
supernova he has put, you're letting yourself go,
babe. You need to work on yourself.
I would have said landed differently, what would
have happened? I'd be offended. I would have
said, I if he said to me,
and I said this to my husband, I
did have a conversation about it. And I
said, if you, you know,
I'm I'm I'll I'll stop for a while.
I remember, like, I had a conversation but
maybe it happened in my mind. I love
how long. So
but what I thought to myself is if
you woulda had more more,
a much greater success,
If it's a babe, let's let's go for
a walk together.
You know? Let's go,
for a jog together. You know, connect in.
And I did put that in your in
in the chat room. I said, you know,
this is something
I and I've also listened to,
some experts advising. Connect before you criticize.
You know? Because sometimes people are so quick
to criticize
that they haven't built that relationship.
You know? Where someone because for example, when
you have friends, but you're not gonna give,
advice to every friend that you have.
You will wait you will give advice to
that friend that you know you have that
kind of friendship with. So some managers, they
don't have that friendship.
And that's why when when
when something comes
when something is both up,
it's like it's a it's it's like, woah.
Like, I'm I'm I'm already dealing with the
things that I'm not getting from you, and
now dealing with this attack on me. Because
whenever someone says,
attacks you
or you feel attacked,
then natural thing what a human being should
do is to become defensive. And to okay.
I'm also good
at, communicating our
pain, communicating
our anger,
not our pain but our anger
rather than communicating
our mood.
So I wanna just jump in there, and
I want to to hopefully open up the
floor for brother Nasiv because I heard something,
and I'm sure you picked it up as
well, coach Nasiv, which is,
when you are attacked.
Right? And we're talking in a context of
a man saying or trying to communicate that
he would like you to get back in
shape or get back control of whatever it
is. Right? And you said when someone attacks
you, and then you change it to when
you feel attacked.
Brother Nelson, what is happening there when,
in a situation
like we're describing?
A husband expresses, however he does it, that
he would like you to get back on
in shape and you feel attacked or you
believe he's attacking you? What is going on
there psychologically?
So before I answer that, and I'll I'll
ask you to remind me of that question,
I think one of the things that that
we have to to remember is
emotions don't reign supreme.
How you feel is how you feel, but
you take ownership for how you feel. That
doesn't mean that it's gonna control the way
your husband is gonna lead the marriage.
This is why I said it last time,
and I said it that way intentionally
because I wanted
to shake sisters a little
so that it helps them to make the
adjustment
early
so that it doesn't lead to divorce
is the concept,
the truism,
fall in line.
Your husband getting you a Fitbit,
me buying a treadmill in my house
is setting a standard and letting you know
fall in line.
One of the expectations
is for you to stay in shape.
Now when that happens
and you choose to perceive it, you make
an evaluation
that says it means this about me and
he must not love me. Not saying that
this is what you said. I'm throwing in
potential narratives.
Or I'm not sufficient or I'm not enough,
and this is no man is this and
this and this. That's all the narrative that
you bring, the meaning that you bring to
a situation.
Hence, what you were saying in terms of
when you feel attacked.
You feel attacked because the thinking that underpins
that feeling of being attacked
is a narrative that you created.
So what I would suggest for sisters is
and, again, since this is not for you,
this is just in general,
Let's stop the cap.
The reality is any way that a brother
brings up to you
that your weight is becoming a problem,
more than likely, you're not going to like
it. And the reason why you're not going
to like it is you're creating a demand
on how it must be articulated.
Now to the point that you were saying,
sis, I actually agree with you. I think
one of the ways
and if you go to my Instagram, you'll
see the story in the city. Make sure
you follow it.
You'll see that I made a post last
night of being on the treadmill getting getting
2 miles in
last night.
Why? Because I told myself this is something
that I know I need to be doing
on a daily basis.
I need to get in 2 to 3
miles a day.
That's what I've said to myself I need
for my own health,
but that's also setting the example. So I
agree.
One of the best ways that a brother
can let his wife know
that she needs to be mindful of her
weight is by making sure that he demonstrates
in his own life that he's mindful of
his weight.
I think that should proceed
whatever he says to her.
And that should be the layer that's always
there that he is demonstrating
that his health,
his well-being,
his fitness is a priority
just like he's asking it for it to
be of me. That's the integrity gap, which
comes back to the question you asked at
the very beginning of the show. The integrity
gap is making sure you're closing
the distance between what you say and what
you do.
And so you can't be saying to your
wife that you need
to stay in shape,
but yet
you can't see your toes.
That's problematic.
Right? So
first, to answer the question, I believe brothers
should,
model what they want their wives to do,
and they should put money there. So buy
a treadmill, buy a Fitbit, buy whatever she
needs to make it convenient for her to
be able to stay in shape. But 2,
sisters, you gotta get out of your feelings.
Reality is how you feel is on you.
What is he articulating to you? That's what
you need to get from this.
This is a moment of leaning into logic
versus leaning into the emotion.
Because if he's telling me
through
trying to aid me by buying a tool
or something that I can use to help
me with my weight, he's also potentially conveying
to me that this is what he wants
from me. And why would you not want
to give him what he wants? Because
reality is
there's sisters outside that are willing to give
him what he wants.
Can I I want to bring,
Sidhuadia in? But before we do that, I
need to I I really want to jump
on this, Shana, if you guys don't mind.
Yeah? Sister was asking about, you know, whether
it's the effort that the husband is looking
for or is he looking for a particular
result. And then she said, what impact does
this have on children?
They pick up on these types of things,
their mother dieting, having poor self esteem, how
best to prevent negative influence on them. I
wanted to say for a second
here
that we need to
normalize
looking after
ourselves.
That should be normalized.
Right? What does that mean? Being active,
drinking water, reminder to myself first,
eating well,
watching what we eat, not gorging
on chips and biscuits and cake
Not ordering, you know, take away 3 times
a week eating greasy chips greasy pizza
burgers
chicken nuggets
not cooking
Not having salads,
right?
These things
we we have to
Okay.
Let me just pull myself together.
What having a healthy lifestyle is not a
negative thing. Right? Watching what you eat is
not a negative thing.
Why would children pick up on negativity because
their mother is careful about what she eats?
Only because of you, sis. And I'm not
saying this about the person who said this,
but that's on you.
If you have
worked yourself up into a state of anxiety,
right, and frustration
and and depression and and self loathing
due to your weight, that's on you.
You need to stop doing that.
And and making it seem as if,
you know, being encouraged to to eat well,
to lose weight, to get fit, to get
strong, whatever the case may be, is somehow
inviting you to unhealthy behaviors.
This
is it's chop logic, and it's probably some
kind of straw man or something. Yeah. It's
something. Okay. I don't even know, but it's
something. It is it's or red herring.
It's something.
And it's it's it's it's intellectually
dishonest.
Because if your husband, my husband
says to me, you know, I want us
to go vegan
for 3 months. Right?
Oh, vegan. Yeah. Okay. That's new, different. How
come? Let's let's talk about it. So then
he says, look, I've been looking into it
and these are the benefits blah blah blah
blah. Let's do it. Okay. I'm I'm I'm
falling in line. I'm on the program. Let's
do it. I'm going to look into how
can I make this amazing? What could be
great about this? What could I learn from
this experience?
And
guess what? My kids are going to pick
up on the fact that I'm excited about
taking better care of myself. I'm excited about
looking after my weight, about
getting healthier, about eating better food. Why should
your children pick up on low self esteem
and stuff like that as if the only
reason you work out and watch what you're
eating is because you hate yourself. Surely, it
should be because you love yourself. Again, it's
the story that we're telling ourselves. Right?
It's it's it's it's the story, and I
think that's really important.
It's important not to be telling yourself a
story that if I'm watching my weight, I'm
somehow doing something wrong. I'm I'm not accepting
myself as I am. You know, I'm putting
myself under an unnecessary and negative pressure. That
you're not
if we started eating according to the sunnah
like strictly according to the sunnah
trust and believe majority of us would have
to completely overhaul our current diets. And we
know this. Right? And no one would say
that, for example, filling a 3rd, 3rd, 3rd,
a third of food, a third of water,
and a third of air.
If you decided to do that, would you
think that, oh, I'm starving myself. I'm at
risk of anorexia.
You know, I've got some kind of mental
disorder because I'm not filling my stomach. No.
You wouldn't because you would see the benefit
of it, and you'll say, Bismillah, and you
would do it. So sisters again and brothers,
this is the work is here first.
If you are telling yourself that working out
is somehow demeaning
or is humiliating
or something you shouldn't have to do and
you're only doing it because of x, y,
and zed,
I don't have a lot of help. I
don't have a lot of hope for your
results. And, also,
if you don't feel good about it, change
the way you think about it because that's
what the problem is. The problem is not
the thing that you're doing. The thing that
you're doing is good. Right? It's a good
thing to be fit. It's a good thing
to be strong. And I you know, we
talked about this on the last live stream,
didn't we? SubhanAllah, I can't believe, though, we're
back here again. But in the last live
stream, we actually talked about this. Right? Which
is
I I I remember just a little story
time.
I remember when I was living in Egypt
and,
like, weight has never really been an issue,
but I never was into exercising. And when
I was a teenager, I wasn't really into
sports and stuff like that. I enjoyed the
cultural activities, the choir, and the debate, and
all of that. But there was a sister
here in in Egypt. She was a full
and
everything. Right?
But she was a theme with her workouts
She was an absolute beast and she used
to use youtube videos
and she worked out for at least half
an hour every day. And she was in
impeccable shape. I think she had 6 children,
but she loved it.
Right? She loved it. It was one of
those things that just gave her such a
rush.
She would cook in the morning
so that she could do her workout after
she came home from work. Like, it was
it was that important to her. It was
part of who she be. It became part
of her identity, I mean, us us then.
Right? But my point was, if you saw
her,
you would never expect that because you couldn't
see anything of her. She was completely covered.
Right? She was completely covered from head to
toe. She never took pictures or anything like
that,
but she had embraced
being strong
and fit and healthy and having energy and
sleeping well and looking good. She had embraced
that as a better
and it made all the difference, subhanAllah.
So really the thinking feeling connection, guys, we
keep talking about this is real.
How you think about things will impact
how you feel about them and then how
you perform and how you show up in
them, guys. So this issue of healthy eating
and the weight and the exercise,
it's an it we're making it an unnecessarily
triggering conversation.
It shouldn't be. Right? So anyway, I'm gonna
stop talking about that. What do you guys
think?
So I think I think
so,
Masha'Allah,
my family has been on a vegan diet,
even my daughter, for the past 5 years.
And
the year prior to that,
I,
I cut out dairy.
I cut out meat and chicken. It was
a gradual thing, not with the intention of
being vegan, but just health wise.
I knew I wasn't disciplined with the quote,
unquote moderation of those 3.
And then I never put pressure on my
wife to go to a vegan diet,
but I demonstrated for a year
the reality of being
mindful of what you consume
and making that connection between what you consume
and how you feel.
And she had seen
the evidence of that because she was obviously
sitting there with me,
when I would eat on a daily basis.
So my point is men should lead by
example,
and thus subsequently, we ended up going on
a vegan diet. And where why am I
bringing this up? 1,
the point of men should lead.
2,
I also remember, and we get it often
still,
We have this kind
of fixation
with
we can't say no to our kids when
it comes to what they eat.
So I don't give my daughter sugary drinks
and sodas and
cotton candy and
all of this stuff that we know is
not healthy
for our kids.
The reality is the uncomfortable reality is
we are the ones that set our children
on the path of addiction to sugar.
We do that.
But I can't tell you over
the years, the young life,
of my daughter, how many times when we've
been offered candy to give to our daughter,
which we don't do, or offered
fried foods that we don't give, where people
have just literally said we are depriving her.
And so it's just it's
it's asinine,
but it's a reflection
of
the mindset we have
in terms of the relation of
our health and what we consume.
It's like we just we are oftentimes
mindless.
So what I would encourage people to do
is just think about what you give your
children.
Honestly,
what are you allowing your children to consume
under the guise of you don't want to
deprive them?
Right?
And that's a model
that you are modeling the future eating habits
of your children. You're setting them on a
certain path.
And so coming back full circle to what
we were talking about,
I think it's 1 important for men to
lead. I think it's 2 for us to
be intellectually honest about what we consume.
And 3, sisters, you gotta get out of
your emotions on this one. You have to
take accountability.
If your husband is giving you a cue
that he wants you to be fit,
he wants you to and I know this
is gonna be uncomfortable,
shape up
and do it
and do it quick
because
he can find someone else.
Oh, okay.
Since the Tahia's back. Alright. Alright. Alright. We
were with you right until the end. Right,
Johnny? Yes.
Tell you why. Let me tell you why
I speak this way to sisters.
Sisters, I have love for you as your
brother.
But what you cannot deny is
you guys have been lied to
given those uncomfortable truths.
That's why you're in the situation you're in.
Because society and the Muslim community and from
the member, you keep getting those uncomfortable lies.
So then when someone does has a masculine
frame and energy
that's willing to stand on this square and
not accept less
is foreign to you.
But yet you don't understand because you're also
aroused and attracted to it.
So the uncomfortable truth is
you lose leverage with time because you hit
the wall.
Uncomfortable truth.
So when you come to a man that
is providing,
that is on his dean,
and he's there for you.
When he asks you to make certain adjustments,
don't push back.
And, again, before this is clipped, and if
it is clipped, make sure you lead people
to my Instagram to say all I mean.
Understand I'm talking about a healthy man. We're
not talking about some brother that's,
you know, not on his ding, spending his
night smoking shisha,
and hanging out with his friends coming in
all late. We're not talking about that type
of brother.
Right? I'm not asking you to lead someone
that's not I'm not asking you to follow
someone that's not even leading himself.
That's not what this is about.
We're talking about men that are literally practicing
their deen that's asking you
to tighten up.
You should not be asked why. You should
just tighten up.
No. He's he's he's my husband. He has
the right to ask me such as I
have the right to ask him if he
was the name of Go to, you know,
tighten up. So I had to get that
in there, didn't you say so?
No. Yeah. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Problem.
No. I believe
I believe
Sis, I love you, but I'm gonna I'm
gonna join in here. Go ahead. Go ahead,
Paul. The reason why it's your problem is
what you have to do is be strategic
with your husband.
That's what you need to do. Because if
not if not,
he has the leverage to exercise options.
Okay. No. It's okay because This this goes
back to this this goes back it's okay.
So let's
I can feel the energy.
What I was saying this is what I
was saying earlier. No. What I was saying
earlier was that
the the remember I was I was saying
that a lot of the stuff that we
understand from the dean,
actually, it doesn't sit well with us because
it's in direct conflict with what we've been
told about our own worth and our own
everything and our place within our husband's hearts.
So I think I think that's one of
the reasons why there is, like, this visceral
reaction. But, guys, I I know this is
fun, but I really wanna bring sister Zuleika
in because she was what she she brought
Mashaella a lot of the points about the
working out you've mentioned about disorders. Let's let's
go, sis. What what did you wanna say?
Well, can everyone hear me? It's like yeah.
Well, thanks so much. I'll be brief because
I I'm conscious of all the time.
That that we can discuss this. But,
what I meant I think there was a
bit of a misunderstanding what I meant. I
100% agree with everyone if they they
I think I believe in, like, autonomy. Everyone
should
have control over their own health, over their
own,
their own fitness.
All all things are extremely important, you know.
And I'm sure from nutritionist to fitness experts,
everyone it's all out there. There's data. There's
research about it, about ways to have live
long, healthy lives.
For the majority of people who don't have
disabilities or illnesses that are of no fault
of their own. But we know we know
that that's the fact. What I meant was
that,
as you ever as probably everyone knows, a
major issue for young people, I'm talking about
Gen z
people,
up to the age of 80.
Eating disorders are is particularly in young girls
are shooting up record numbers.
Most health systems don't have the capacity to
to kind of deal with that demand for
treatment for these young girls.
And it's linked to social media. We know
it. We know Jonathan Hyde, the psychologist,
always talks about how TikTok, Instagram, these kind
of things are really
fueling
a a a serious mental health problem among
young people. Yeah. With epidemic, which is which
is, by the way, they eat. And eating
disorders are
complex things. They they they're they're complex psychological
disorders.
But we know that,
also in the research and this is quite
interesting, interesting, actually, and I think it would
be wonderful
for one day to see, on your,
on your shirt, Naima. So I may be
talking to some Muslim psych, psychologists, therapists who
deal with young Muslims with eating disorders. Because
young young Muslims, people from ethnic minority,
poor poor treatment for them,
and bad diagnosis, bad results to help them
these young girls with really poor,
outcomes on constellating disorders.
But we know that children
as as as children are
very good at picking up things.
Even things that are not explicit, they are
very good at picking up
behaviors,
with their parents. And
as we were as we've been discussing,
somebody saying, that they would like their spouse
to maybe take more care when it comes
to their fitness,
to be more like them, to try and
encourage them. Because I think it's encouragement mainly
that you're that that we're kind of asking
for and encourage someone
to do things that are beneficial for them.
That
is put that aside, there's also how we,
as individuals, deal with
real self esteem problems when it comes to
weight. Whether it is real,
whether someone is really overweight,
and that you could say that that self
esteem
that low self esteem is as a result
of that. But self esteem for people that
are not really overweight even. People who just
don't like their parents and their bodies. But
we know children pick up on these things
and they notice when their parents are not
or their mother, for example, is not eating
dinner with them,
is constantly
making comments about particular foods, about their body.
Statements like, I hate myself today or or
I hate my look or I feel so
fat. These are statements and and there's there's
a lot of psychological research,
on this,
on on particularly in pediatric
psychology on understanding what what impact does this
have on children.
And the and the the the data was
actually quite stark when you think about it.
It's quite depressing because it's it seems like
the smallest thing. How can,
the way we see ourselves, which we have
every right to be able to
to have this criticism of ourselves.
How on earth could that affect a child?
And it was like, go ahead.
No. No. No. I please finish your your
your sentence. I'll I'll drop it off to
it. It's thinking but but so sometimes it's
people are are not aware that
behaviors that are almost
not are almost not they're not very conscious
behaviors.
That everyday behavior is about something as everyday
as daily as food.
How that impacts a child and the data
shows those children have a much greater risk
of suffering from eating disorders.
And that's the worry. Yeah. That's the worry.
Yeah. That's the point that I
bring it up earlier in terms of we
model for our children
healthy eating and healthy exercise and healthy living.
Yeah. Because what you're what you're describing is
not healthy.
Right? Not A a woman woman who is
who is, like, depriving herself in the way
that you described,
who is, you know, criticizing her body,
complaining about her body. That's not healthy. Right?
That's not a healthy body. Right? So No.
It's not a 100%. And but, what I
mean is that it might not be very
it might not even be very obvious behaviors.
But
it the point is that for some some
reason, children are able to pick up on
this quite well.
And this maybe has something to do also
with the school behavior. Schools are peers,
peers bullying the fat kid, for example.
When
these it's the the
the environment the home environment. It's not that
you need to shelter children with certain things.
Of course, you need to treat your child
that it's not like it's maybe you shouldn't
have sweets every day. No. Your teeth will
rot. But putting the emphasis on weight on
a child,
is not directly done necessarily directly to them.
But it's also how we as adults act
around them
about certain things.
And that's what it that's what I was
just trying to share that that that I
think that's a really that was a really
interesting research paper. And there's other research papers
about that,
that affects particular mothers. So mothers, dieting mothers,
how that influences
the perception of children with their own body,
as they grow up as well. And and
this is if you remember in last week's
live, this is why I said to the
sister very directly, look. Yeah. You are you
you are at home.
And in between changing you know, taking the
clothes out of laundry, I want you to
drop down and do 10 knee push ups.
You model for your kids
healthy living.
You don't need a gym at home. How
you choose
to live
can represent to your kids what is healthy
living, healthy choices, a healthy mindset, which attaches
to what I said earlier, which is the
problem of self esteem.
We keep teaching children about this concept of
self esteem,
But, essentially, sis, what you have just articulated
or what I'm taking from that is
my worth
is attached.
I either condition
is my weight,
my body,
my shape.
How I feel and think about this is
connected to my worth. I e, when I'm
consistent with,
hitting the scale, the number I want when
I'm on the treadmill, when I'm doing well,
I think highly of myself.
My kids see that. When I'm not hitting
the scale like I want to, I'm not
hitting the gym like I want to, I'm
not fitting into the dress that I want,
I think less of myself. I'm depressed and
struggling to get out of bed. My kids
see that. It's a thinking problem, and that
thinking problem has
actions associated
which our kids pick up on.
Yeah. That's what I'm taking on. No. Yeah.
I I see what you mean. I see
what you mean. I would slightly push back
on that because I do understand what you
the the connections you're making.
But,
the slight pushback I would have is
kind of interrogating a bit more
how
how the how worth
when it comes to it. So I personally
I've I can say this from a privileged
position because I'm I'm not overweight and I
haven't
genetics, which usually plays on with it. My
family, my siblings, it's not usually an issue.
It's never really been an issue for us.
But I can understand how some people who
are,
who fixate on their weight on the scale,
even when it has never necessarily been,
something that has just they have it hasn't
been as a result of some weight gain.
That for a long time since adolescence, since
teenage years, they've just been on the chubbier
side or slightly overweight.
Or, after,
we know that there's difficult moments in people's
lives can also,
result in weight gain. So I'm saying that
it's not always
it's not always to to blame as as
something as simple as someone not moving enough
or someone not eating enough. There are
example when I think about it, when everyone
says, oh, pandemic, weight gain, and during the
pandemic when people when people were unhappy having
to be locked out locked up at home
and unable to go out and do things
like that.
People
go through
different
weight fluctuations in their life and,
going from a to b, so the weight
unhappy weight at which they're at and then
b being the the weight goal.
That is a that
going from a to b is is in
in and of itself difficult. We know that
95% of diets
fail because
it's not a simple,
it's quite difficult without getting to the new
sort of nutrition and nutritional science behind this.
But what I'm trying to say is that,
how do we,
how do we ensure that people are
are happy or satisfied
with themselves or their lives.
But during that, not always thinking, oh, eventually
when I lose weight, I'll be happy. Or
when I lose weight. That's a thinking problem.
That's
a thinking problem. Yeah. That's a thinking problem.
Right. And and so again, as someone who's
young
look. If you look at kids,
kids can their parents can give them everything
It's not until they get the idea from
somewhere, whether it's at home or at school,
that there is something wrong with that.
And then how as a young mind
perceives and evaluates
that begins the problem. Again, this is why
I'm saying it's a thinking problem. And the
same thing with diets. Most diets fail because
it is a thinking problem.
If you talk to most,
you know, fitness experts, it's not really so
much what you choose to do in terms
of the gym.
It's the thinking you have that allows you
to be consistent
with going to the gym to do whatever
workout you wanna do. It's the thinking you
have that allows you to be consistent with
whatever diet you choose.
Right? But, again, the thinking problem that allows
us to comfort eat, which then breaks the
diet.
Comfort eat within leads us to not want
to go to gym and lay on the
couch and watch Netflix,
not chill, but Netflix instead of going to
the gym.
Thinking problem.
I I think that's the point
that I'm saying. Yeah. I I hear what
you're I hear what you're saying, sister Zuleika.
I think I'm I'm I'm feeling a bit
catchy, I think, because
it's
the unfortunate thing
one of the unfortunate things about
this the world we live in today
is that we think that we knows or
we know
that we that we we know so much
more about everything than we used to. Right?
That can be a blessing and a curse.
Because what I find happens is
when
we make a case
for a standard,
there's always it feels like to me, and
I could be wrong. Please give me pushback
if you guys feel that I'm I'm I'm
out of pocket here.
But when there's a standard presented,
there's often
someone
making a case for why that standard is
unfair,
Why that standard is is is is harmful.
Why that standard is prejudiced against this group
or that group. Right? And that's problematic for
me because
if we're going to say that
because some people feel this way or because
some people present that way or because some
people, you know, experience this situation in this
this this way, this standard is not something
that should should remain,
then we have no standards. Right? That's that's
what I feel that p and and human
beings
tend to take the easy way most of
the time. Right?
If I can get an excuse
for why I shouldn't be on the treadmill
or I shouldn't be in the gym or
I should not have 3 cupcakes in a
row,
I'm gonna take that excuse. And where I
see it, for example, is
whenever we mention about weight gain,
what do we hear first and foremost? Right?
Or or losing weight? Let's just let's keep
it clear to losing weight. Whenever we talk
about losing weight, what are some of the
comments that you always get back? Well, what
about those with thyroid issues?
What about those with an eating disorder?
Right?
And and those
those those exceptions
are being brought in order to weaken
the rule. Right? And the majority of people
should be living by the rule. Right? The
majority of people can live by the rule.
Right? Of course, there are exceptions, but those
exceptions
should not be brought in order to weaken
the rule. So, sis, for example, you've brought
some really interesting research with regards to eating
disorders in children,
But we have been talking this whole time
about sisters being in shape and being healthy
and strong and fit. But it kind of
muddies the waters now when we start to
problematize
women looking after themselves and being healthy and
being, you know, kind of in control of
their diet. And we problematize that by bringing
in the idea that but if your children
see you doing that, that may damage them
and then will lead for them to have
eating disorders later on. I don't know. That's
No. No. Honestly, that's that's that's how it's
changing. That it's it's muddying the water. It's
like, okay. Children have what's that got to
do with what we're talking about? No. But
I think it yeah. I know I know
what you mean. You're probably thinking it it
it would complicate it,
the point, that you and everyone else is
trying to say. What I really meant by
it was
that I think it is an it's an
issue that may that for many people is
a sort of black and white issue. There's
no nuance in it. There's no because if
we are really talking about western society, this
is sort of our perceptions of
of, of weight to make gain. It's is
this is kind of it would I'm talking
we're referring to what it's like to be
in western countries whether it's the UK, America,
or whatever.
And what I'm saying is that
we know that there's a problem out there,
and eating disorders are a massive issue that,
as I said,
disproportionately
affect
BAME,
Muslim
young people, when it comes to poor outcomes
of treatment.
And also within
social,
sort of
cultural stigma around it as well.
I was referring to
the specific points of that because I I
think it is an interesting question. I think
it's an it's an interesting problem. How do
how as adults do
there's something that seems harmless in people,
and it seems harmless and very personal, almost
like it shouldn't affect anyone, and it doesn't
affect anyone.
What what
what is the influence and the impact of
that on chill on children, you know? But
just I was just saying that you might
think it's irrelevant, but I think it is
kind of irrelevant.
It is a relevant problem because,
as I said, it's it seems like something,
a personal critique, a thing that will only
affect you.
But,
I think it has wider implications as well.
So,
I think that's we can agree to this
real quick. But, it's really interesting to
patience. Thank you. I think thank you. Was
to jump in. Thanks so much for that.
I would like to jump in, brother Nasir.
One minute, please. Actually actually, actually, I'm picking
up in a minute. Actually, hold on. Hold
on. Hold on. Let's be clear. Actually, you
can wait one second. So,
what I would say, sis, is that point
that you're making
is the modeling, and I think that's an
important point to remember. Right? You model to
your kids.
Right?
And if it's going to be healthy or
not.
Sister, you can join in now.
Okay. Thank you, brother and sister. But sister,
the thing you talk about dieting and mom,
if you let's forget dieting because dieting is
always,
you set yourself for failure. Let's say healthy
lifestyle.
Like, let have you can turn into a
family attitude. You can help you can get
the children to cook with your healthy,
like, healthy foods. Have, like, healthy snacks. Make
it like a whole family thing rather than
just mom eating differently. Everybody eats the same.
Everybody is the same. You have healthy meals,
you prepare it together as family. You teach
it when you're preparing, get the children involved
so they know what's going on to their
food.
So they realize it and they see it,
and then that will give them idea. So
let's say I'm at home doing an YouTube
exercise video. I'm like, guys, come join me.
So make it like something fun for them
to do, and they it builds up.
It gives them something to do. So they're
not just saying mom
Yeah. I'm so struggling with this concept. I'm
I'm really it's it's making me mad. I'm
I'm actually mad.
I'm really mad
because I'm thinking of
of of of people that I've known, myself
and and friends of mine, again,
who have active lifestyles and eat in a
healthy balanced way,
from a place of love and self care.
Right? Yeah. And I'm 1 and I'm looking
at it from their children's perspective. Just as
you were saying, sister Joadia. Right? I have
a friend of mine who she she walks
a certain number of miles every week. Right?
It's just it's and her children learn to
walk with her because they were very young,
but she should take them on these walks
in the countryside. And that's that's just what
they do. That's how they live.
So to for someone to
study
or
or anything to say that
people making healthy choices
is damaging their children psychologically.
I just I can't. Like, if they have
no. No. No. I mean, it's That's not
what I'm saying. And then that's not what
I'm saying. Or maybe damaging them by accident.
You know what I mean? I think that's
a bit yeah. There's a misunderstanding.
Just I'll briefly say,
that's not what I meant and that's not
what the research says. It says that behaviors
so when you have a goal and you
fixate on a goal to lose weight, for
majority of people, that has to kind of
you have to,
sort of take on quite it's quite a
challenging role, which means you have to restrict
what you eat. So health that's what I'm
saying. Healthy living healthy, moving doesn't make somebody,
a very slim slim slim person. It it
it doesn't you can still be overweight
and still be eating healthily and still be
moving a lot. It's just the way your
body is, the way you've as I said,
from adolescence, you can still just be a
chubby or consider an overweight person.
But when you are undergoing the goal of
when you're trying to pursue the goal of
major weight loss, it means major restriction of
your diet, of what you eat. Mhmm. Also
being very strict with that, which means it,
of course, takes over your daily life. It
takes over everything you eat. You have to
be at the back of your pockets. Make
sure you're, locking your calories into your foot
bit, your steps, your movement, how many calories
you're moving. So that of itself, that behavior,
okay,
is known to be possibly harmful
to children if they are if they see
that.
I wish I could send you the papers
because they're very interesting. No. I ain't gonna
read it. They're super, super interesting. Can't read
that. And it comes yeah. And it comes
and it comes from a specific it's specifically
not all children, but children who are predisposed
to eating disorders and children who predisposed
to disordered eating. That's it. Right. And that
that that small small small that it seems
small, but that small percentage of kids that
are predisposed to that is growing because of
the times modern society is now on this
one. Growing. I agree with you, but it's
not growing because, you know, their mothers are
becoming more health conscious. Right? It's social media.
The social media and the peers and the
environment around them. And I would argue
that, you know, for girls and again, I
don't I haven't read the science. So I'm
not gonna argue with the science, but I'm
sure there will be a correlation between
the eating disorders
and the girls or whoever the children's exposure
to certain social media and their peers. Because
we know when they get to the to
the teenage years, it's
it's it's the it's the peer group and
social media that shapes them. Right? It's very
important. Of it is is is taken from
parents because they're hardly paying attention to us
most of the time anyway. But anyway, with
be that as it may, it's something to
pay attention to and be aware of in
the sense that we, sisters, and I I
feel that this is something that we can
benefit from.
If you are going to
take a decision to go on a health
journey, whether it's weight loss, whether it's becoming
fit, becoming strong, whatever the case may be,
be aware as brother Nasir was saying of
your thinking about it,
your intention
with it, and how you are modeling it
because your children will pick up on that.
Right? So if you're, like, eating healthily, but
you can't stand it. Right? And they can
see that you hate the fact that you're
doing this. Right? And it's that I have
to energy. For sure, they're gonna make unhealthy
association between what you're doing and them. Supernova
has ordered donner and chips. His donner and
chips is here. He says good night to
everybody.
So that was helpful.
But, but, you know, so so but but
but again, going back to the personal accountability,
for sure,
we certainly on this channel,
this is a big deal for us
is us being empowered
to take responsibility
for ourselves,
to be accountable for our own actions, for
our attitude, for our thinking
so that we can
show up differently so that we can make
better choices.
And and, you know, the fact that since
you mentioned that this is not your problem,
you've not had, you know, struggles with weight,
etcetera. And I find it
kind of ironic because I I noticed that
a lot
is people who don't have the issue, right,
that we're talking about. You see what I
was saying about how there is like, a
rule, and then people want to give pushback
against the rule, the standard and say, yes,
but it doesn't apply to everyone. What about
these people? What about those people? I find
that the people who are pushing for an
exception to the rule or to bend the
rule, they don't even need to break the
rule. Like, they're not the ones with thyroid
issues. They're not the ones with with eating
disorders. It's it they're speaking on behalf of,
in their mind, those with thyroid issues and
those with eating disorders, but using someone else's
example
in order to make the rule something that
is not applicable and then it's like I
said, I feel it just muddies the waters,
right? It just muddies the waters. But anyway,
that's my personal opinion
and everybody is free to disagree.
But, sister, I think we'd have to wrap
it up.
Thank you so much,
And for popping on, for sharing that.
It's
just a little bit more. Did we get
an answer to
what
is the way for a husband to
respond Be honest.
To encourage a wife? Sorry, sis. Go ahead.
Be honest
upfront.
No, sis. No. No. No. No. No. No.
No. That was not the final answer.
No. The final answer was no. The final
answer was we he had to say it.
Okay. So no hinting?
No hinting. No. Say it. Tell me.
The This is Joanne. You said Yeah. Be
upfront and honest. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry. In
the comments, we've had people saying it's better
if he sends her to the spa,
sends her to the salon, says he'll look
after the kids, sends her off to the
gym, buys her some new clothes. If I
remember, buy her some makeup. Okay. These were
these were some of the, some of the
suggestions. But,
it was so fun having you. You must
come again.
Oh, oh, so sorry. I cut the sister
off. My
so sorry about that.
My my my only my only concern with
that, although I I I think there was
some good points brought up, my only concern
with that is,
a wife can understandably
interpret that a different way.
Right? So he he got me a spa
day,
and he said he's gonna watch the kids
while I go to the spa.
That can be interpreted as he realizes how
much I I work at the home and
with the kids and I need a break.
Right? That could be some of that was
some of the wording as well. Like, you
you look like you've been you need a
break. You know, you've been doing so much
for the family. Go and take care of
yourself. So that was a suggestion. But that
doesn't that does that's different than saying,
I love you, but you need to lose
some weight.
Right? Yes. Those those are 2 separate things.
She may not make the connection that he
wants to give me a spa day because
he wants me also to walk a few
laps around the mall before I go into
the spa
or that I need to do that. Yeah.
Well, Bibi and her husband are brutally honest.
She asks him how she looks, and she
expects him to be honest. And she says,
my husband and I do health and body
checks together with each other all the time.
We are each other's mirrors. Okay. Brother Talha
says, say it upfront to her, but it's
not for his ego, but for the pleasure
of Allah, for the pleasure of God.
Exactly. Just be upfront and tell her the
truth, but politely.
And brother Youssef says, this is the reason
why the white lie is allowed in Islam
brothers You don't have to be honest all
the time
then Tranquility says us women cannot demand that
men communicate like women that's going too far
Rahma and Hikma, but be honest.
And Bibi says as a woman, we need
to understand that our men are visual creatures.
Oh,
I love it.
This is great. Okay. Yeah.
It's done well. We need to I think
we need to come back, though, maybe next
week,
and we need to really
revisit this polygyny conversation,
because I I think we didn't
finish it. Yeah. We
stopped. Yeah. Went on a
a a different
needed tangent.
Mhmm. But I think it's important conversation for
us to have because, again, I think,
you know, I had a conversation with some
young brothers
this week, and
they are of the mindset that one wife
is better than more.
And my pushback to them was
within the Muslim community, we can't afford to
have that mindset.
Oh,
okay. Okay. Okay. Let's pause it right there
because that can be our segue into next
week.
Can we afford
monogamy
in the Muslim community?
Is it still an option? Should it be
an option? Should polygamy be the default? Let's
see. Let's see. Let's see. Kuda the tyrant
wants delusional single women to stop complaining about
polygamy. And he's been saying that for the
whole week. So I,
he's been commenting that all week. So I
had to put that there inshallah.
But, yes, guys. So next Thursday, candid conversations.
Let's talk about polygyny, guys. Alright?
I like that questioning, though.
I I think that should be the question
for our show next week. Right? Everybody send
it out to your friends.
Chime
in. Can the Ooma, can we as a
Ooma afford,
Manabe?
I'm gonna put a poll up guys on
the channel
to say,
to say to ask
all the unmarried sisters in my community.
Right? Y'all have to answer. Okay? This is
gonna be a question for all the unmarried
sisters
in the community
and you need to answer these questions about
polygyny polygamy,
right? And so look out for the post
in my, in my community tab. We wanna
take a poll from you guys and see
what your thoughts are InshaAllah.
I've got some questions that are brewing. So
I'm gonna put those out
because there's lots of opinions on this issue.
So we're definitely gonna unpack it. We'll do
a call in as well. Let's have some
brothers on next week as well like we
did the week before.
And, yeah, let's let's let's turn it up.
Peria says no. This is her sister, I
think. Say it straight up. No salon. No
go to the spa while I take care
of the kids. Some of us won't get
the connection. And if you're slow like me,
you'll think he's just being extra nice.
Exactly. See? That's what
I don't know.
Subha Allahu. Okay. So, Halas, we, we we
we did some good work today, guys, and
I think we had a good time about
it as well. So with that, I think
we're going to bid you good night.
We'll see you next week.
Next Thursday, candid conversations, same bat time, same
bat channel. And don't forget to join for
Wednesday's livestream. We are going to be talking
about * and Muslim women
dealing with the addicts and with the addictions.
Okay? So don't miss that. Be there or
be square as I like to say and
make sure that you tell all your friends
about this stream if you have not subscribed
to the channel
what are you waiting for?
Make sure you subscribe. We're on our way
to 50,000 subscribers.
If we could get there by the end
of the year, I will be
absolutely over the moon, Insha'Allah.
Like the video. Make sure you leave a
comment because it helps with the algorithm, and
make sure you follow brother Nasir
Nasir Al Amin on his channel. Now, brother
Nasir, let's do a temperature check. Okay? How
many subscribers do you have right now? Do
you know? Because we need to see that
number going up. I don't. I think it's
in the 2 100. I think I am
going to check now. I think it's 200
something.
If you guys have already subscribed to brother
Nasiv, can you please put
subscribed in the chat?
Oh,
319.
390. So we wanna get it to 500.
Alright? So that's the next goal, guys. 500.
If you've already subscribed to subscribed to brother
Nasr, then please put subscribed in the chat.
Let me quickly grab the link so that
I can put it in the chat now
if you haven't subscribed,
because there's content on there that he puts
on there that is not here.
So you'll wanna make sure that you catch
that Insha'Allah,
especially if you like his straight talking style
and the,
the uncomfortables.
Tell them can you tell the the viewers
what they can expect expect on your channel,
Charlotte? Because I know that it's still evolving
and growing and inshallah, it's gonna blow up,
but what what should they expect on your
channel?
Yeah. So expect expect some of the uncomfortable
truths that I share here, but, also, my
training is in counseling and social work.
And my work that I do is with
Muslim brothers and sisters,
and coaching in terms of their emotional regulation
and their marriages.
So that's what I do, and that's the
work that I share online
on IG under my name, Nasir Al Amin,
as well as on YouTube.
The IG,
has more of my content, but I'm gradually
putting that on the u on YouTube as
well.
So that's what you'll find. You'll find,
perspectives
from the modality that I use, CBT,
and how that relates to,
the brothers and sisters that I I work
with. And, sisters, I would say
that you will find content
that is,
geared towards you because the majority of my
client base are Muslim women.
So you will find,
information that's relative to you.
Thank you very much. By the use of
jacala pay, guys, there were no super chats
today. I'm sad. And as I learn it,
no super chats, no super thanks, no nothing.
Is is that what we're doing now? Yeah.
We come out here, look after you guys
for 3 and a half hours. Y'all can't
even buy us a coffee. Really? Is that
how we're doing? Okay. Alright. I'm gonna remember
that. Okay. I am going to remember that.
And, next time, if you guys want me
to do any accents
or you want me to throw down any
of that London talk, I'm only going to
do it when there's a super chat or
a super thanks involved. How's that? Yes? So
one one thing. I I I'm glad that
you mentioned here the buy me a coffee
for you and I. I appreciate that. But
just for clarity, since we're at the end
of the show,
what is nose out of joint?
What is that?
You said this. Is this a a a
a UK thing? It's a UK thing. Yes.
It's in the UK thing, and it just
means, like, being upset by something. Being put
out.
Out meaning put off. No. No. Put out
is,
is, yeah, being annoyed.
Your nose out of joint is annoyed, offended,
that kind of thing, that kind of energy.
Okay. Who said this? You
said it. You would when we were talking.
Yeah. No. No. Earlier it's early. I made
note of it because I I never heard
it before. Nose out of joint.
Yeah.
Nose out of joint is, annoyed.
Alright, guys. Woof.
We will, Inshallah, next week, have a very
special announcement for you guys as well, won't
we? Mhmm.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you guys gotta tune
in. There's a lot going on next week.
Yes. Yes. Definitely. We'll see you guys the
evening,
And, Peria says, is our presence not enough?
Girl.
Girl.
You know that we love you and we
appreciate all of you and
I say this every week, but it's worth
saying again.
This is the best
live chat on YouTube. Sorry to say. Right?
I have been on live streams in the
Muslim community. Put it in the chat in
the comments, guys, if you agree that this
is the best live chat,
like, the the best
chat in live stream
on the on the YouTube for the Muslims
at the moment. I'm sorry. I've been on
other people's livestreams.
I know how crazy the chat can get.
I know how
off topic the chat can be. I know
how toxic the chat can be sometimes.
I know how people can stop fighting and
getting crazy in the chat, not paying any
attention to what's actually happening on the screen.
Our livestream
chats
are beautiful on this channel.
And it is a testimony to you guys
and your sincerity
and your intentions and your the caliber of
people that come to this stream. So I
appreciate you guys. We don't need moderators.
We don't need people going crazy and like
banning people and everything. It's beautiful. And that's
because of you guys. So hats off to
you. That's why we will do it. We
will continue to do it for free. But
if you want the accents, you ask to
pray for that.
Okay.
Awesome. Thank you, sister c man, for the
200 k e s supercharge.
It's okay.
So what's the accent? What's do I have
to do an accent now?
What's it gonna be? You can you can
request anything, and I'll try my best.
Yes. It's good when we can be productive
and share best practices. So, Siman,
you can ask for the closing address in
the accent that you want. Inshallah, I will
do that for you, and I will try
my best. So please, sister Seaman, since you
gave the super chat, you get to say
what accent I use to close off the
show. Please just let me know in the
chat so we can close off the show
Insha'Allah.
And if sister Seaman doesn't wanna give it,
Leila says Nigerian. So, Seaman, if you want
me to do something other than Nigerian, you
need to speak now or forever hold your
peace. Okay?
Counting down in 5,
4.
I didn't know about this accident thing that
you do.
32
1. Oh, so we're ending it now. Sir,
thank you so much. You have all been
so good. We have had the most
wonderful time.
Thank you, hon. We will see you next
weekend. Don't miss it. We are going to
be here next Wednesday at next Thursday. So
we'll see you there at 9 o'clock UK
time for now.